badrainbow's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drowning The pain remains incessantly never ending but ebbing like a tide at times. Sometimes the tide stays in so long I think I may drown. You know when you're drowning you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. The instinct to not let any water in, is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head is exploding. Then when you Finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. "I'm Fine" You know if you don't count the not sleeping. the jumpiness Or the overwhelming crushing fear something bad is about to happen. It's what we repeat to ourselves and to everyone around us. That's what we have to say right? No one actually wants to know what we are really feeling or thinking. No, it's more than a feeling.... more than a thought. It's like a panic attack that doesn't pass because I am drowning. Hoping I can hold out to the very end because that intake of water is inevitable it's a reflex to get away from pain. Maybe you just hold off until that reflex kicks in so you have more time? more time to fight your way to the surface...more time in agonizing pain.... So the question you ask yourself is when it comes to survival isn't a little agony worth it? What if it just gets worse? It's agony now, but then it's just hell later on.With no end in sight. Fighting to hold on, fight the burning in my lungs is agony. It's hard for exhaustion not to over take. It's hard not to let that reflex kick in and make everything.... easy. Let it bring relief from the fire building in my lungs. With my daughters tiny hand in mine I always keep going though, even if it's just going through the motions. I could never allow my weakness to burden her life with pain. Any amount of agony is worth saving her a single tear. 10:54 p.m. - 2018-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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