Sunday, Jun. 08, 2008 - 10:59 a.m.

I want to disengage. I told her I was interested, she said no. Our friendship was too close for me. I know how I am with women. I let them into my life and I get attached. For better or worse. She says that I have a problem with confidence, as if I do not know this. She wants me to be more confident, not for her but so I could find someone. She knows that I am lonely. She said I need to change my diet, work out, and basically change my appearance. Maybe she thinks that this will help m self image. I guess that is how little she knows me. I was not so upset that she was not interested in me as more than just a friend, but I was definitely hurt that she would say how great I am inside but that it was not enough for me to find someone. I have formed a pattern that stinks. I meet a girl that I like and I get to know them and eventually let them know me. I am not a one night stand guy. I do not think I could date a girl that I was not friends with. But when they know me that well, where I am ready, it seems that they are never the one. So this time, I was honest and then ready to disengage, because I knew how she felt. I knew we were leaning on each other too hard and that was getting to be too much for me. I told her I was going to pull back for her sake and mine before there was a problem. She said to take as long as I needed. She would be there when I was ready to resume our friendship.

And that is what I was doing. Thinking about her but now really worrying about things. She called me today. Wanted to know how I was. But I think that she really wanted to know if I was going to follow through on my promise to help her move next weekend. I try to follow through on my word, even if it is uncomfortable. She said I did not have to help load and unload, that I could go sit at the beach. She does not want me to aggravate my hernia. Interesting that she says I need to exercise but does not want me to lift things. Maybe she just needs the truck, and wants me to keep my distance. Or help me keep my distance. But then she wants me to call this week. I have no intention of calling. I have to think about whether or not to help next weekend. What I know is that I like to follow through on my word. I said I would help, but I also said I was disengaging.

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