2015-05-21 - 9:40 p.m.
Just had my colonoscopy this morning. I will say this – they put you out and you wake up and it’s all over. No pain from the procedure itself, but I’m still reeling from the effects of the prep. The results will be concluded in 2-days’ time, but the Doctor said he removed 2 small polyps that looked benign but he has sent them off to the lab to confirm.
Now, here’s where I talk about the prep. If you are squeamish, eating, or don’t want to hear about how the body reacts to the preparation for a colonoscopy, stop reading now. I use graphic language to describe what is happening and it’s not pleasant. Hence the warning.
So, for those of you still reading, here’s what the pre-procedure involves. Oh, and if you’ve never had one, I would recommend not getting put off by what I am about to tell you, but it is a PSA for your edification. You should have one done around the age of 50, especially for those of you that sit in a chair a lot at work. It can (I’ve been told) save your life. For those of you that HAVE had this done, you can sympathize like nobody’s business.
It starts with a benign –sounding couple of powders that are mixed into a container of water. I say “benign-sounding”, because the name “Movi-Prep” sounds almost peaceful, like you can relax and watch a movie. Nothing is further from the truth. It’s like a movie if you’ve sat through all 2 ½ hours of “Waterworld”. You start by eating no solid foods the entire day before your procedure. Jello is fine, coffee is fine, broths are fine, but no OJ, no red jello and no teas with red dyes in them.
My procedure was scheduled for 10am, so at 5PM the day before, you start the “flushing process” by mixing two giant packets of powder into a 16 oz. container until thoroughly dissolve and you drink 4 oz’s of the stuff. I don’t use salt in my foods, so to me it was a very salty limony-lime tasting kind of drink. Then you set the timer for 15 minutes and drink another 4 oz’s. 15 minutes later, another 4, then 15 minutes later, the last 4. THEN, you are supposed to re-fill the container with just water and drink all 16 oz’s by the time you go to bed.
Now, every body’s body will react differently. Some take a while to process, while others are affected quickly. Within seconds of finishing my last swallow, it hit. Kathy went through this late last year so she told me to be ready to run. I had my cell phone to play solitaire, so I was set. And I sat. And sat. And sat.
I will spare all the gory details because I can describe it simply as Montezuma’s Revenge, but on purpose. And with a purpose. It was brutal. And after a while, certain delicate tissues become inflamed and rapidly sensitive and horrifically painful. My legs started going numb because it was so frequent. I hoped for a quick break in the action to try to clean up and stand up and get some circulation going again.
I was thinking 4 things during this time. 1) I was getting my money’s worth out of this stuff. It was overly-efficient in its intended application; 2) Why is this a prescription? No one in their right mind would do this on purpose; 3) Who in their right mind would be the human volunteers to have this stuff tried out on them?; and lastly, 4) Who invented this stuff? How did they come up with this exact procedure? And besides the poor schmucks listed in #3, who were the researchers that had to hang around the #3 people and time everything and make all these observations and determine the correct formulas and procedures and observations and record the various stages listed on the side of the box and in the instruction packet from the doctor as to what to look for when you finally felt like it was safe to stand up for a moment?
I sat there for 35 minutes before I felt I could stand up for more than a minute. I blissfully got 1 minute. Then it was back down for another 15 minutes straight. I got a few minutes to stand up again. By this time I was getting cold, so I wondered if I could make it to my closet, find a long-sleeved t-shirt, and make it back in time. My closet was 5 steps away. I knew which drawer to look in which saved me the 5 extra critical seconds I needed, but then it was back down for a 20 minute session.
Did I dare try to walk all the way to the kitchen and get some Gatorade? I like to live on the edge, so I did manage to spend almost 5 minutes upright. I grabbed some cortisone salve to soothe the now raw bits and gingerly made my way back to the scene of the crime. It was slowing down. 45 minutes elapsed time to go in, 2 ½ hours before I felt I could spend a few minutes outside of the bathroom for any length of time.
About now I had my 5th thought of the evening. Why wasn’t a bidet or one of those Japanese toilets that squirt the warm, friendly water to clean you up prescribed with the powder, along with a cooling salve to apply to the raw tissues and a doughnut tube to sit on?
It was nearly 4 hours after I drank the first of the kool-aid that I felt I could relax for a bit. I got back to work and finished up at midnight and went to bed.
I had to set the alarm for 545am as I had to start the procedure of the powder in the water at 6am! Yes! I had to do it again!
I was awakened at 315am by extremely loud thunderstorms that finally tapered off at 5am. I got another quick nap, then it was back to the juice. This time, it didn’t seem as bad (nothing left to clean out?) and I was able to take a shower at 8am and not feel tied to the toilet.
Like I said, the procedure itself was painless as I was out, and the anesthesia wore off quickly. You are free to have anything you want immediately after, so I wanted Mexican but was over-ruled, so it was on to Churches for some fried chicken and fried okra. Hey, the Doctor said to keep up the fibre to reduce the diverculose pockets he found whilst spelunking.
Now, I don’t normally eat greasy foods, but I figured with me being completely cleaned out anyway, greasy foods could easily slide straight through. I was full and sleepy and took a nap after lunch, marveling at having fasted for 40 hours and been cleaned out completely and was still alive. I was awakened by the sound of thunder. Another storm? Nope. It was my stomach growling and gurgling so loudly, in my sleep it sounded like thunder.
I have concluded that in 56 years, two small benign polyps are great, especially since he removed them. They want me to come back in 3-5 years. I can’t see that happening. I cannot go through this again without that Japanese toilet and some good salve. I’d rather deal with the consequences.
Adios, cb
