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Silliness - January 31, 2013
Beirut - November 14, 2011
Graduating - May 13, 2011
Ugh. Come on BGSU and or waitlists at PSU and VT - March 30, 2011
Bitterly - March 20, 2011

Silliness
January 31, 2013


Dear Joe,

Recently I've been feeling outrageously selfish for getting an MFA. I know I shouldn't and I know I'm not. But I do. My mom didn't get a job that she should have gotten, and I'm pretty sure it's because she's got a shitty attitude. I know she should just be able to take care of herself, but she's living outside of her means and she just can't do that forever. At least if I were making really money, like I did before, I could pay for my own car insurance. I worry, too, that she'll just grow to be a bitter old woman. She's the one that taught me to love everyone so much, and to be positive and work hard, and now when I talk to her about how awful everyone is at the Writing Center, she just says, "Well, Liz, that's because everyone in the world is awful and out to get you." I think she really believes that now, and that is one of the most heartbreaking things I can imagine.

Kenny's been sick on and off for a month, and I'm pretty sure it's because he's stressed out. He's had three interviews in the past week, and I am so afraid of what will happen if he doesn't get one of the jobs. He will be devastated--and I will be devastated. It's almost worst than when he had no interviews. Now we're just waiting to see if anything will happen. And the worst part is I can't really be sad about it around him. That would only hurt him more and make him think he needs to be doing something else. But he's doing everything that he can. So many of these entry level positions want 2-3 years experience. Even if they only pay 20-25k a year, which for this area can barely cover rent, though Kenny can't even get those jobs.

But anyway, I feel guilty because I wanted Kenny to come down here with me. I wanted him to quit his job and move. And I know he didn't have to--I know he wanted to be with me too, but 6 months ago he had a job, he had health insurance, he wasn't getting depressed and sick for weeks at a time. And I feel like this is my fault. Before, I was able to take care of the people around me. Now I feel like I can't.

Kenny will start his internship next week, which is good. I hope if these jobs don't lead to something that that will. I just wish, too, that Kenny had some sort of service experience. He's never had to waitress or sell clothes, and because of that he has no experience as such, and I'm afraid if he decides to start applying to those jobs that he won't get them either. I think he feels useless and he's not, but me telling him that is starting to mean less.

I guess I'm just generally overwhelmed with being an adult, or rather, with my perceived failings as an adult. And I'm scared for having to take care of Kenny when I feel just as sad and depressed. I want to take care of him, of course, I love him more than anything, but I just don't know how sometimes.

Anyway, sorry for this, I just needed to say it someone, and I knew you'd listen, because you always do.

All my affections,
Liz

Joseph: I read you email, and I feel for you, believe me, and I will respond to it later this afternoon -- in the meantime, know that I'm on your side and love you and Kenny very much.
Gotta run --
Sent at 12:43 PM on Thursday

An unrelated piece of information I would rather not expand upon:

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