dull & yesterday's entry
10.16.04 @ 11:27 am
Welcome to Dullsville. Population: me.
There are just 3 days until Tuesday, when I can get a profession opinion on the mess I've made of myself. Until then, I'm trying to fill my mind with thoughts and tasks that aren't deep and profound.
Aaron doesn't have a day off until Monday, which is coincidentally the day I start my classes at the college. I have two full days to get the house in working order, and what needs done would take at least 3 weeks to accomplish. This is good though. This will take my mind off things, as I'll be up to my eyeballs in domestic chores.
It's been really cold the past couple of days, and it makes me wish we'd put plastic over our windows while Aaron was on vacation. I could attempt to do that this weekend, but I'm afraid that I'd make a huge mess.
Instead of drawing this long boring entry out, I'm going to paste what I wrote in my paper journal last night and leave it at that.
If I had any doubt in my mind about getting therapy, it's disappeared now. Tonight just confirmed more than ever that I really do need therapy.
I should have never went to her (SIL's) house. I knew before I even went up there that it wasn't a good idea. And I went anyway, so I guess it's my own damn fault that I feel the way I do now. God, it hurts. It's a never ending throbbing pain right in my heart. I fucked up really bad. And I can't fix it. I can't make the pain go away.
I despise this shitty little trailor. I hate it with a passion. And the longer I'm forced to stay here the madder I get. This damn place is turning me into a raging monster that I can't control. The hostility leaves me very unpredicatable. I don't know when I'll be ready to punch the walls or slash myself to shreds. Every day here brings out something in me that I don't want brought out. More anger, more hurt, more sadness. And I just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away.