2016-02-09 - 9:20 a.m.
There once was a day I was happy, I think I was seven but it never really seemed like a happy one would think they would remember but then again nothing ever does. Something as amazing as holding hands with a girl for the first time. It seems like we all have those days where happy seems far away. The basic human condition. Some days are better than others. It seems like she has conqoured hers but as for mine, mine seems to far away to even see. so then we go about this giant ball chasing eachothers tails only to see the wisp of a blur as it disapears out of reach. Left gasping for breath trying to calm your heart as you try to get the will to keep running. My well has run dry. there is no magic cure. So here we go again into that long dark whole waiting to hit bottom but not know whether it will come or not. Oh to only hit bottom.
I long for the days of new. I want those long drives, those Songs on repeat, I long for your wide eyes of never before. You deserved better than I was able to give you. I told you I was a broken tragic soul and you thought you could save me. The truth is I never knew how to love, I was looking to you to teach me but you denied yourself the chance to step up out of loss for your true love. And I kept you away cuase I never wanted to hurt again. Thats ok, Im not hurt by it. I am more hurt that I did you so wrong and i never seen with my own eyes how bad I was hurting you. Delusional? Yes. Very. very very delusional.
From a young age I thought love was sex... Making love, its right there... But its not. Love is much more, much much more. Their are not very many things in this world I dont understand But emotion, especially mine, and love. They seem so illogical to me, so contrived, fake. And yet you built your whole life on that very concept, but to me it's just a concept. I thought I had love once but it never seemed it was but for that moment. Physical attraction is not love. Lust is physical attraction. Love is built over time, tears, and heartache. Love at first sight is an excuse for lust. There is no love in lust. That quick high of the right now, never for the tomorrow, very distructive. But there is something satisfying in destruction, hope. Hope of new or rebirth. But alas what is to be reborn is ussually worse than what was destroyed.
Humans have an innate instict for self preservation in our envirement. The will to survive. Yet most go about there interactions with other humans in a very distructive way. For that matter they are destructive to there envirement. so there we stand as destroyers, destroyers of men. One to the other and back again. We have no salvation from the destruction other than our own will. Will is harder to come by than most things. They say where there is a will there is a way. But the way is dark lonely and cold. if you give them a light they will find their way. But on the path of will there is no light. Only vast expanses of dark torturous monsters striving to pull you from the path. The mind of man has many demons.
I was never able to conqour my demons. Loves lost, or what I thought was love. OH SO WRONG. Where I learned my wrong ways...
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