2004-02-19 :: 7:45 p.m.
yes, i've been away

but things have been busy and i'm looking for balance-- that sounds zen, doesn't it?

i don't know what, if anything i'm looking for. i'm just doing my life thing here, not so unhappy, not happier than a pig in shit.

even. calm.

it's a new place for me to be.

maybe i'm just tired tonight. maybe i just have too much going on. maybe i just don't give a fuck about the world spinning beyond my reach. maybe i'm too selfish or too busy or too something altogether.

my life seems boring, but i'm getting done all that needs to be done. i'm going to work and i'm teaching the kids the things that they're supposed to know, and there's some sort of plan to the way i'm doing it. the knowledge is being imparted to them in some sort of logical fashion. first, characters, then narrator, then points of view, then narrative time structures-- all the while talking about mechanical tool of fiction and different structural options available for storytelling.

i'm taking my medicine. i'm not flipping out like last semester, i'm not shutting down, i'm not depressed, i'm not manic.

i'm going to meetings-- more than i usually go to-- i've added one more to my regular meeting schedule. boredom? lonliness? just something to fill the awake time? don't know, but it beats shooting up.

i haven't seen my parents all that much lately. i just don't want to. my mother--------

and i'm lying to my father so it's hard to be around him and know i'm lying to him so it's best just not to go over there until i'm ready to tell him the truth.

i'm writing a lot-- not on this blog, but my writing, my manuscript, for goddard. doing my packet work-- hiding in it, maybe? pouring out everything i have, my chance to get published so close i can taste it, but so foreign i won't let myself believe that it will happen. litening to mariana's advice, comments, trying to figure out the rewrites to make it sharp, sharper, make it pop, cut, really dig into the reader-- really get at what i'm trying to say.

i'm loving vitamin-r. with all his flaws and all my fears we're hanging on to one another with the realization that we need one another too damn much to walk away. and we're both trying reslly hard to be good to one another and for the most part it's good-- i'm letting down the walls and watching his come down and we're meeting at that place that keeps us coming back to each other no matter how bad things have ever gotten between us. but am i just being young and naive to think that it can sustain us both-- that feeling of closeness and love and goodness? isn't self-destruction, self-sabotage so much stronger in the long run? because i get exhausted and i want to get in my car, my things packed, and run away from all of it, and i know he'll never follow.