I got a lot of living to do before I die And I ain't got time to waste"
2006-02-28 - 10:57 p.m.
Josh and I broke up last week. as in some space. then it's done. then not done. then together. then forever. everyone that i told kept saying, is this some kind of joke? what? i don't get it. you two are so happy. and we were. which just made it all the more difficult.
i always said to him that maybe we should have a breakup someday, to date other people so that we wouldn't wonder about it when it was too late. he always disagreed with me and said that i was the one. josh took it all the way last week for the first time. he told me he needed space, a break. which was something that he had never even mentioned as a fleeting thought. never. we had hung out every single day and he never expressed this. and it wasn't like we didn't know each other well or were afraid of saying something. i played it cool and was like, well if it's done, it's done. i'm not waiting around. and he looked at me and said, what can i say? i need my space.
everyone told me to keep my cool. i told myself to play it cold, play it like, it's your loss sir.
except that when it came down to it, when he said those words, i panicked. i freaked out. i started crying. bawling. i went hysterical, and cried so hard that the teardrops crusted over my eyelashes and it looked like i was wearing white mascara.
for the next few days, i was a total mess. i couldn't function. i just went hysterical and cried harder and more than i have ever done. i always heard that people cry a bit. eat some ice cream. me, well i've been upset before. i've had my heart stomped on a few times and done some stomping myself. but i never thought that i would lose total control over myself and my emotions like i did.
i didn't sleep. i looked at food and couldn't eat. i just stared at it knowing i would throw up if i took a bite. i started dialing people in my phone i would have never dreamed of talking to. and just going hysterical. i couldn't work. everytime i looked at a customer i started crying and i was waiting on people with evident tears dripping down my face. my parents were really concerned because i flipped out. it was completely out of character for me. but, it was so out of character for someone who never said a word of anything like that to just give up 2.5 years of not one bad time with someone that they planned their whole life with.
people told me that i was codependent, that being obsessed with someone would do this to you. his mother told me that it wasn't that. that it was evident that it was just the amount of love for him that i had. that it touched her how clear it was.
i think i had started to treat him like i would a good purse. a nice accessory that i carried around and was proud of. but something that wasn't that necessary-- something that didn't define me or make me who i was.
i'm not going to blame myself for our breakup. it was a lot of things that just randomly exploded. a somewhat midlife crisis that began in breaking up with me, going completely insane in various ways, getting back together with me and then buying a brand new motorcycle. i know, how completely random and insane. emphasis on that.
we got back together all in the same week. i was so excited to see him. the magic returned. my old roommate told me that we needed this. that we had never had any big issues that threatened our relationship. and we needed this to realize how much losing the other one would hurt.
josh told me yesterday night that this breakup made him realize how much i ment to him and how he knows that we were ment to be together. that we were two peas in a pod. that one just doesn't come without the other. and that he knows i'm the one.
i share all of these things because yes, this was a private thing that i don't feel i need to advertise. except that everyone that was around us knew and could see the torment that we both felt. and it's no secret.
i had started to take josh for granted. and i will never do that again.
i never realized the depth of my love for him. not when distance was between us or when we were sitting together. i always knew i loved him but i didn't realize that it wasn't disposable. that i couldn't just be without him.
i am forever in love with josh, and if he's the last person i'm with. well, i'll be more than happy.
"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."�
We are shaped and fashioned by what we love--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
i'll break your heart and move on to your next door neighbor..or best friend ;o)
clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat hoping somebody someday will do you like I did
2006-02-28 - 10:57 p.m. i always said to him that maybe we should have a breakup someday, to date other people so that we wouldn't wonder about it when it was too late. he always disagreed with me and said that i was the one. josh took it all the way last week for the first time. he told me he needed space, a break. which was something that he had never even mentioned as a fleeting thought. never. we had hung out every single day and he never expressed this. and it wasn't like we didn't know each other well or were afraid of saying something. i played it cool and was like, well if it's done, it's done. i'm not waiting around. and he looked at me and said, what can i say? i need my space. everyone told me to keep my cool. i told myself to play it cold, play it like, it's your loss sir. except that when it came down to it, when he said those words, i panicked. i freaked out. i started crying. bawling. i went hysterical, and cried so hard that the teardrops crusted over my eyelashes and it looked like i was wearing white mascara. for the next few days, i was a total mess. i couldn't function. i just went hysterical and cried harder and more than i have ever done. i always heard that people cry a bit. eat some ice cream. me, well i've been upset before. i've had my heart stomped on a few times and done some stomping myself. but i never thought that i would lose total control over myself and my emotions like i did. i didn't sleep. i looked at food and couldn't eat. i just stared at it knowing i would throw up if i took a bite. i started dialing people in my phone i would have never dreamed of talking to. and just going hysterical. i couldn't work. everytime i looked at a customer i started crying and i was waiting on people with evident tears dripping down my face. my parents were really concerned because i flipped out. it was completely out of character for me. but, it was so out of character for someone who never said a word of anything like that to just give up 2.5 years of not one bad time with someone that they planned their whole life with. people told me that i was codependent, that being obsessed with someone would do this to you. his mother told me that it wasn't that. that it was evident that it was just the amount of love for him that i had. that it touched her how clear it was. i think i had started to treat him like i would a good purse. a nice accessory that i carried around and was proud of. but something that wasn't that necessary-- something that didn't define me or make me who i was. i'm not going to blame myself for our breakup. it was a lot of things that just randomly exploded. a somewhat midlife crisis that began in breaking up with me, going completely insane in various ways, getting back together with me and then buying a brand new motorcycle. i know, how completely random and insane. emphasis on that. we got back together all in the same week. i was so excited to see him. the magic returned. my old roommate told me that we needed this. that we had never had any big issues that threatened our relationship. and we needed this to realize how much losing the other one would hurt. josh told me yesterday night that this breakup made him realize how much i ment to him and how he knows that we were ment to be together. that we were two peas in a pod. that one just doesn't come without the other. and that he knows i'm the one. i share all of these things because yes, this was a private thing that i don't feel i need to advertise. except that everyone that was around us knew and could see the torment that we both felt. and it's no secret. i had started to take josh for granted. and i will never do that again. i never realized the depth of my love for him. not when distance was between us or when we were sitting together. i always knew i loved him but i didn't realize that it wasn't disposable. that i couldn't just be without him. i am forever in love with josh, and if he's the last person i'm with. well, i'll be more than happy. "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." � We are shaped and fashioned by what we love--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe i'll break your heart and move on to your next door neighbor..or best friend ;o)clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat hoping somebody someday will do you like I did
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