8:41 p.m. - 2015-05-19
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Maybe because it's springtime and I'm still surrounded with people being partnered with someone, my loneliness just amplifies.

Boyfriends or FWBs. I'm sorry dear roommate, but despite your acknowledgement that you can separate the two, I'm still worried about your attachment. But alas, you will not listen. Your stubbornness will deny it in front of us. It's fine.

I guess I just continue to feel the disconnection from others. Maybe I should remove Tinder for good, because it will not solve the lonely feeling situation.

Or are there those that still feel lonely despite having someone? Either way, nothing is solved.

Or I really need more single female friends for the occasional support and assurance. It still comes from me by the end of the day, but there's only so much I can do with everyone else in the house sticks to their partners.

1:31 a.m. - 2015-04-29
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I feel like some negative ball of energy that everyone is consciously avoiding.

It's not helping that a lot of the people I'm surrounded by are apathetic and have their priorities to worry about.

At this point, I don't know what's worth caring for and not. I just feel like some robot now who's doing stuff for the sake of getting stuff done rather than because I once upon a time cared and took genunine interest. And I'm probably tired of caring for the things no one else does anymore because... they have better things to care about.

This could all just be one angry ongoing dance. I don't know, and I don't have the energy to put too much attention to it. Actually, I don't.... know what I should care for. I think I'm hitting that negative slump.

There's always going to be people who don't care about your passions. It'll take some time, but you know, that's why you're there. You will care because they won't. But don't let that consume you. Obviously, it is right now.

6:13 p.m. - 2015-04-23
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It occurs to met that this past week I don't feel the most positive about myself. Why? I don't know where exactly to start.

Maybe it's my hormones making me go through mood swings. Shrug.
Maybe it's all the event planning stress from my two classes. One of the events is over, but I still have another one to go. And even then, I still need to catch up on that class. I don't think the professor views me favorably right now, but I can't do anything to make her think positively of me. Definitely not with bribery, but oh well. I'll just keep doing my work at this point.

I find myself getting impatient waiting for this one person's response, even though I know he's busy with his homework. Sigh, why can't I just find satisfaction in the form of, oh I don't know, not people?

This probably is a good time for me to get back into graphic design, but I haven't even gotten the chance to buy a laptop or the program itself anyway. How's that gonna happen when I barely have time for myself now?

Sigh. I think in some ways, I don't know how to prioritize anything anymore. I can safely say that I feel like a major letdown right now. The only sensible thing to do at this point is to wait until school ends now.

3:17 p.m. - 2015-02-27
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Slowly mellowing out. I think I'll slowly get all my priorities straightened out within today and tomorrow. But who knows? Maybe my laziness will kick in as well. I hope not.

Insecure cynic is back. Just another day to pass. There's a guy I've been talking to online, but that's only online. Who knows what it would be like in person? And well, we haven't consistently been talking to each other.

I don't know. In some ways I have learned that people who I am able to have very quick responses from tend to be the same people who fizzle out just as fast as they came. This probably motivates me to keep my guard up even further now. Well, not to make things complicated, of course. Not like it's insecurities, defense mechanisms, and fear kicking in. Nope. Not at all.

Slowly working on my paper that's due by tonight. I got quite a bit done, but we'll see how that goes and how much I can finish. I will finish it by tonight, that's for sure. That's my grade on the line, man!

Ok, not gonna lie, I did look him up earlier and we do have some mutual friends. Just as I suspected. Some of his interests are no surprise to me as well. Some things just... well, they don't exactly change, but some things are just not surprising and expected? I guess that's a better way to put it.

What is there for me to expect me anymore?

1:02 a.m. - 2015-02-22
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My roommate has a point. Why am I thinking long term? I just went on a date tonight, and I enjoyed it. It was very pleasant and it was a nice change from some of the other dates I've been on. I'm not sure if he would like to see me again, but you know what? That's ok. I'm slowly stepping away from the dating scene. I really need to focus on school anyway.

It was a first date with this guy and for some odd reason I kind of wondered if I feel like we would not mesh long term out of defense mechanism or my intuition, but it was weird I was thinking in those terms. This just goes to show that I am always looking for a relationship just not actively in a sense. Or well, not actively pursuing. But I guess that's what happens every time I have gone on a date: I consider the potential long term because of the vulnerability involved.

It goes to show that there are all kinds of people in life. I've definitely met my fair share. Nevertheless, they were all interesting experiences that I don't regret. At least for now I don't. I don't know what future will be.

5:07 p.m. - 2015-02-20
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It's been quite a week. I've felt overwhelming stress, and I'm skipping out on a usual activity because I'm slowly trying to catch up on my academics.

I don't really know what I want from myself right now at this point of time. Do I want to do well for myself, or am I trying to impress others? Do I even have a clear direction for myself?

One of the things that bothers me constantly is my loss of direction. Sure, I've narrowed down the career choices that I am more willing to pursue in the future, but I guess it's the younger generation problem of wanting to pick the best for myself and afraid of missing out on the other options. Similar to the hook up culture that people criticize about a lot, eh?

Speaking of which, I think it's stupid to proclaim that I'm not looking for a relationship ever. On my part, that's a big lie. I think I will always be looking for one, but I am just not actively looking for one as I was last year. And in some ways, I've always wanted one. I've just never found a guy that successfully fulfilled it (key word: successfully, because I never got with anyone). I guess in that way I'll just keep searching, just like my career.

Being lost is not the best experience, but it's not the worst either. I guess it depends how the individual interprets it. For me some days it is ok and then there are days when I would wish it away.

Maybe all I really need is to chill out and just relax.

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