2004-02-08 - 8:51 p.m.
The weekend was a pretty typical one, nothing major or exciting. I took N to the skatepark today, that was pretty cool. He is into all that.It gave me somtime to do alot of soul searching and self reflection. I thought back about going through my divorce and raising three children on my own, god those were some rough times espically in the beginning. I was doing it all on my own with no financial support or emotional support. I have no family to speak of close by, except my brother who has his own family. Those were some really hard times but I survived it, I really found out what I was made of. I had no choice my children depended on me. The turning point was the day, three years ago I had all I could take, I fell to the floor and just cried for over an hour. A was terrified and tried to call 911 but N would not let her. After that I somehow seemed stronger and things got better from there. Of course it was still rough times but it seemed easier. I dealt with it better, I was happy. Now somehow everything we went through almost seems like it was for what. Now I live here with J who the children and I love very much. I waited a year after dating to let him meet my children. I did not want them to love him and then something happen and us decide not to see each other. I did not want them hurt anymore. He loves us, it shows, you can feel it, we love him. So why am I so unhappy here, why do I let his mother upset my life so. I try very hard to ignore most of her doings, but now the children are saying things about her. I left my marriage so we could live a happy life, and now what have I done. We had a good thing going before moving here, I miss it. I miss my independence and my privacy. I want us to be a family,I want to be married to him, but not with her here. Not anymore. I used to believe we could be a family but she just has such a disregard for anyone else, I believe that a normal, healthy life is not very possible now. I need to think on this more. I need to read more of my a Thousand Paths to Happiness book. Small quotes to ponder.
