2016-06-11 - 1:05 a.m.
I'm really starting to wonder what the fuck is going on. Who is this person? I have no idea who the hell he is anymore. For example, several times I have asked, what are the plans for the fourth of July. His response was typical each answered with I don't knows. So tonight he makes a rude sounding statement: "I'm going to trip on acid with everyone from work and blow shit up." Wow. A huge fucking wow. Thanks for asking me what I wanted to do, or even proceed like with any other plan, consult each other and find a medium. I have no intention to do that, let alone with any of those people. Thanks. Fucking thank you so much. The one holiday we always spend together is now a huge pissed on mess. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised since has done this twice before. He simply doesn't care about dick but himself... literally. So, I'm confused. Did I miss something? Am I walking around with a huge sign on my head that says hey don't worry about me I just want to be at home sad and alone with you not bothering to think about me? Is he having an affair with this stupid whore from work? Probably. He makes me sound like I'm an idiot for ever thinking that, but him always being on his phone when he never used to be says alot. Truth is that's how they do it. They say you're crazy for even thinking that, you force your head to agree although everything and the wind points to the opposite, and then you catch them fucking, you see their phone, or they leave you for them and usually end up marrying the whore infused cunt. Or all of it happens. Because that's how it is. Because now a days, that's how 'true love' bullshit work. It's all great for a few years if that, then they leave you for someone else and that person is their true love. That's the person they end up marrying. You want to know my engagement to marriage ratio so far?5-0. Five engagements and never married. And people wonder why I'm so depressed. People wonder why I don't trust. This is exactly why. Cause every single person I met makes all kinds of sweet talk and promises and pull the 'I'm different' card, and it blows up in my fucking face. No surprise, a bitter waste of time in my book. I don't know why I bother anymore. It's at that time. He's done moved on and I'm here alone reading between every single line of bullshit he's laying before my feet, only vaguely trying to cover up because he's starting to turn into a drunk drug addict. It's so fucking sad. So fucking disappointing. It's not good enough you fuck me over that you have to fuck yourself over? Or vice versa. What ever. What fucking ever. He hasn't touched me in almost two years I'm about dead. Kisses goodbye and hello have said goodbye, as did the random ones throughout the day. Hugs, god I have to beg for one. And the I love yous, simple reflexes. No single meaning to any of the words falling out of his lips. And if I try even asking for intimacy, all hell breaks loose. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around in a domestic partnership. Hmmm... interesting. The last one may have been a prick to the 500,000 th power but at least he meant everything he ever said and did to me. And the sex? Oh my god, that one could make me quiver in ways jumping in a frozen pond in winter couldn't even touch. But that's not me, I'm not going to rant on about how one is better than the other. They're two different people. No. I instead will sit here and sulk, keeping my mouth tight, eyes straight and head down. Because that is what I do. I keep going until the fuel tank in the relationship is completely on empty that its absolutely dead on the side of the road. Because I'm a fucking idiot. God's been smiting me since before I was born and hasn't taken a five minute break since. Thank goodness I'm wiccan.
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