Revival 2008-06-28 6:59 p.m.
I miss this journal. A lot.
It was the only one where I could let my thoughts loose and just say whatever I wanted. It was way more therapeutic that way. Livejournal, on the other hand, is very dramatic and I have to trip over myself not to offend someone. That and add in the fact that maybe 5% of the people that read it don't give two shits about me.
I'm depressed again, and have been since March.
I went to Virginia to visit with Megan primarily (since we hadn't spoke in like 3 years) and to see Brett, Jason, and Michael Piellucci. That part of the visit went well. However, I saw Brennan.
Saw isn't the right word. I did what I always do - become a tool for him - a means to an end. Except I could deal with that if that were true. I've had no problem dropping people in the past and never speaking to them again. I've never been able to do it with him.
Cut from Livejournal entry:
"I had fantasized about us meeting for a long time. But every time I fantasized about it, I pictured myself kicking his ass. Because he deserved it. I deserved my revenge.
That's not at all what happened. I was so nervous. Megan decided we should reconcile and we went to where he worked. He wasn't there. But he called while I was there and I was freaked the hell out. I left my number with the guy to give him so he'd call me if he wanted and I went along my business. No call, so I got drunk. And called him. From Megan's phone. I then proceeded to sob out how I'd been in love with him all this time and he must feel the same, I absolutely knew it. He was upset and acting weird b/c of all this shit that had happened to him for the past 4 years - which is legit stuff to be depressed about.
So as I got a little less drunk, I decided to go over to his house. Half ass drunk and driving in a snow storm. And where we used to live? Not the best of roads. But I went. I was an idiot.
Long story short, I went there and cried at him and told him how I felt. I told him that I could have any other guy I wanted but I only wanted him and was so sure that he must love me. And he said I only wanted him because I couldn't have him. Whatever. I don't like being challenged like that, and I basically had been asking him to make out with me all night. So I finally got up to leave, apologized and said "I won't let it happen again~" and then he sat down on the couch with me. He kind of teased at kissing me, so I went for it. Which is not my usual style, because I'm not aggressive. But at any rate, he went crazy anddddd we got naked and almost had sex. AND I FUCKING LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Not gonna lie.
AND THEN WHILE WE WERE MAKING OUT - OH AMANDA, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ME. I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE HAD SEX THE FIRST TIME WE EVER MADE OUT AT YOUR HOUSE~ I SHOULD'VE DONE IT~
LOLOLOLOL
I stayed up all that night lolz and then went to my hotel room where megan and her friend Cassandra were asleep ( I slipped out in the night~) , checked out, and went back to his house. I slept for a couple of hours and made out with him some more, where afterwards he proceeded to cry on me for 2 hours.
YOU WERE RIGHT AMANDA, I'M SPINELESS
I'LL NEVER BE AS STRONG AS YOU
I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU, YOU'RE PRETTY AND STRONG AND I'M NOT~
I HATE MYSELF, I'M AN AWFUL PERSON
We decided to have a friends with benefits type deal in the much later future, but then he went back on that - because he doesn't love me and I PRESSURED HIM INTO MAKING OUT WITH ME~. (Please, that little rat bastard was all over me - biting hard and ...very aggressive. So obviously, I'm to blame). He's been barely talking to me - just enough to keep me dangling. And pulling his victim bullshit.
Well, I didn't go there to make out with him. And I'm not going to be dangled along any further. I can fuck any number of guys right this second if I wanted to. Or I could date them. I want my fucking closure and I want my fucking answers without him being vague or avoidant. I have called his house TWICE this morning and he's still "asleep" even though he went to bed at like "midnight."
I'm getting my fucking closure. Because this just isn't working for me. I've tried to give him space and be patient and supportive and a friend, but he's throwing that shit back in my face.
He said he didn't want me to hate him or things to end up like they were before - THEN GROW A FUCKING SPINE, FAGGOT.
I did my part this time. "
And maybe two weeks after all this? He stopped talking to me. Again. And he won't answer when I call. I think the reason I am having such a hard time getting over him is because, for better or worse, I feel like he cares about me in some roundabout fucked up way. And I am in love with him. But is it unrequited love? I mean, when I think of unrequited love, I think of saying you're "in love" with someone who has never given you the time of day in an intimate sense or has expressed that emotion to you, which is not the case here.
The next day after that, I broke up with Nick. I just realized that I wasn't ready for a relationship.
And I realized that I hate Nick. He's obnoxious, annoying, fat, stubborn, and dumb. I don't know what I was thinking when I opened that can of worms, and I still can't figure it out. Usually I never regret the things I do, but that is the #1 thing on my list.
But back to Brennan. Unlike the last time this happened in 2004, I'm not nearly as fine with it as I was then. I just ignored it and went on with my life. I haven't been able to ignore it this time and it's just eating away at me slowly. I'm depressed. But what am I supposed to do? I don't like pills, I can't afford a therapist, and I have few friends who I can talk to about this.
I also lost that job I had in March. I was blind-sided by that, since they kept saying "you're doing a good job!" and then fired me on a Friday at the end of the month saying that they just didn't think I could handle all that they would need me to handle. Yet, I never got a chance to even TRY to handle anything, which is pure and total bullshit.
I just got another job a week and a half ago. It's a little weird, but it'll work out with my school schedule, assuming I get to go back to school (which I'm working really really hard to do).
I'm going to update later again tonight, because I'm really going to need it.
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