11:05 p.m. - 2018-03-30
Just kill me.
I don't know what to say. My life sounds like some shitty depressed novella.
Meet great guy, have relationship with him. Turns out to be too close to my triggers, leave him. Two years later, try again. This time it goes well. Get engaged. Give him a pass to sleep with someone else because I trust him and the distance is hard on both of us. I find out I'm pregnant with our child, subsequently the day I find out I'm miscarrying our baby he tells me he got her pregnant. They have a son. He snapped on her mother, got her kicked out and now she lives with him. She has everything I've wanted for years now, and all she can say is that "I hope you two don't work out because I want a change with [him]". I feel so crushed, I just want to die. I want to bury myself in a hole and forget I exist. I've been engaged to this man for almost 3 years. And yet, in the span of less than a year she has a baby with him and she's living with him and she's sleeping beside him all night every night.
I want to walk away, but I'm afraid to start over. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm so sick of feeling this way and reopening wounds I thought I'd healed. I'm never good enough.
0700 - 2015-07-05
Can enough be enough already?
The one thing I miss about not being a mom-- being able to completely disengage from the world.. get my "me" time in.
Constant demands for my attention from everywhere, I feel like I'm losing who I am as a person because I have to be so much for others. My needs come second constantly and I'm burnt out, but no one cares. Nothing is good enough, I'm never enough, never doing enough.
Why is it that people can't just be happy with me? Why do I constantly have to change who I am, watch what I say. If I put my needs first for a change I'm "selfish", and "lazy".
I've been constantly sleep deprived for 4 years, I'm always trying to do things for others, and I feel like gravity is too much to deal with right now.
As I type this, I'm sitting at the park with Eli. We've been here for 5 minutes and he's demanded I play with him, talk to him, he's had to "show [me] this" at least 3 times. All I want is quiet and to not have to mom right now. Hense... park.
But whatever, I suck it up and ignore the fact I feel like I'm falling apart and just smile blankly and do what's expected of me, like I always do.
