4:26 p.m. - 2016-08-26
Works
Works

7:15 p.m. - 2006-10-05
The Fox and the Kitten... The End.
Better judgment was lost to the Kitten; she was wistfully following her heart down a dead end road. Seeing the red flags, hearing the voices pleading with her to reason, the Kitten boldly step into her own personal nightmare. Her fox wasn�t as capable as she had expected him to be. She found herself feeling an all too familiar feeling from the past, resentment. Every waking moment her Fox demanded her attention, suffocating the Kitten until it felt as if she was going to parish. She loved him still and was battling her intense flight response. The Fox had a few issues that would need to be dealt with, but he could be handled by the Kitten; love was all that was needed. Or was it?

The Kitten knew something wasn�t right and about the time her Fox hit her, she knew the end was inevitable, he had gone too far. As her Fox departed on his holiday, she began plans to leave. Day one, write sweet letter, everything is okay, Day two, write sweet letter, everything is fine, Day three, write semi-sweet letter, show signs of turmoil, Day four, cause hell, Day five, write break-up letter, Day six recover from vodka binge. This was pretty much how the Kitten planned it out, unexpectedly she found out devastating news that made it so easy for her to leave; her Fox had stepped out. The Kitten being the stubborn and hard headed girl that she was let him keep on stepping; she had no need for his sorry ass any longer. He crushed her heart so horrifically; she was unsure whether she would ever be the same.

The Kitten has been remaining strong and has decided to stop her games, for her heart just isn�t in it anymore. She can not seem to shake the feeling of impending doom and loneliness. The sun doesn�t shine as brightly and every breath seems to be an extreme effort. She has resigned herself to learning how to live again, and is taking this encounter with the Fox as a life lesson that once overcome will have helped prepare her for the next step in life. Fortunately for all involved, the Kitten has little aspiration to obtain retribution. She is convinced that Karma has caught up with her and has evened the score in the larger picture. The Fox will get his just rewards without aid from the Kitten, for she has no desire to provoke Karma ever again. Life as the Kitten knows it has made a hard turn in an all new and untraveled direction, leaving the Kitten uncertain and excited all at the same time. �Hey all, here I am. Here we go, life�s waiting to begin.�

The End.

10:19 a.m. - 2006-10-04
I WIN!
It has been entirely way too long since I have last written in here. So to make a long story short, I have been in love, engaged, separated, and forced to leave due to cheating manipulation, and outright disrespect.

I wake up today, my first day of relationship freedom, and I grab a strawberry Dr. Pepper from sonic. I sit down in front of my laptop to do my weekly homework assignments and I realize I�m humming. Not only that, but I�m not forcing the smile on my face, it has appeared naturally and is remaining throughout the morning. I take pride in my resilience and I try to feel something for everything that has happened and the only emotion I can grasp is relief. I feel a new sense of a lesson learned, overcome, and moved away from. Freedom is mine. Through all the shit I waded through in the last few months, I have shed no tears, but rather have held my head high and waged war on the hurricane of drama that had engulfed me. I have been beaten, but I walked away with no damage. I would even be brave enough to say that I feel I am stronger, more confident, and ready to take on the world. I have reached an emotional high and its euphoric effects are giving me a sense of immortality.

With all due respect for myself, I feel that I have played the fool very poorly. For fool me once shame on you, fool me twice�. Well that never will happen. I am a non-forgiving hardheaded woman with a determined spirit and love for all things balanced and right. No one can play me for a fool more than once. Those who doubt this have tried and they have been dropped like a bad habit. I am a mover and a go-getter, no one can stop me for long.

11:07 a.m. - 2006-08-31
Interesting
Dear Jessie,

Amid much astrological intensity (including the controversial reclassification last week of Pluto to a "dwarf" planet -- see below), serious Saturn and idealistic Neptune begin the first of three oppositions starting August 31, while Pluto gets ready to turn direct on September 4. The result? You are likely getting clearer and clearer about what you do and do not want in your personal relationships -- and the world is too.

Indeed, from the global to the personal, human beings have an unwitting tendency to cyclically nurture -- or damage -- their relationships; to attract friends as well as foes. The upcoming planetary shifts represent the perfect time to get a handle on this aspect of human nature, and rethink the instinct to ... well, not think about the effects your actions have on others

4:40 p.m. - 2006-08-09
The Fox and the Kitten...The Insanity Continues...
Both the Kitten and her Fox were in dire need of each other�s company. It was because of this desperation they sought any solution to this problem with the only stipulation being that they ended up in each other�s arms. There was no concern as to how irrational the solution was. The Kitten scurried off in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn to fetch her Fox. No where to take him, no where to go, she still had the uncontrollable urge, to see him. She needed to see him, feel him, and kiss him. Once together the Fox talked to his Kitten and both exchanged light conversation and �I missed you� filled the air. Both were complacent during the drive back, knowing that everything no matter how uncertain would be okay because they were together.

Early afternoon arrived with the Kitten and her Fox exhausted. Finding room wasn�t nearly has hard as the night before and both were eager to get into it. Upon arrival to the room, the Kitten was ready to crash onto the mattress and snooze, but this would have to wait. The Kitten left her Fox and began her journey through the work day, all the while longing to be in the arms of her Fox. She thought of him all day, how he would be sleeping, if he had read her words to him yet, had he gone out to eat yet and what the night would bring for them both.

The moment she had been anticipating all day finally arrived and the Kitten was ecstatic; she hurried over to pick-up her Fox and both of them headed out on an excursion full of friends and fun. The night rang true and the Kitten�s anxieties were immediately alleviated upon the acceptance of her friends. She knew everything would go off with flying colors, but the Kitten had let herself worry and stew about it anyway. The Fox was able to strut about his many talents and much to the delight of the company. Everyone was enchanted with him, and the Kitten could see envy rise in the eyes of a few. She relished the idea of finally having the one she wanted and knowing that everyone else wanted him too, but this was her Fox and she would be damned if she was going to let him go.

As the lights deemed the evening officially over, the Kitten and the Fox said their good-byes and ventured back out into the night. Both satisfied with the outcome of the events, both turned their thoughts to the festivities forthcoming. Eagerness filled the cool air and the Kitten listened to her Fox chat on about what everyone thought of him. She felt no guilt in her lack of attention, for her mind was contemplating much more exciting things.

Once inside the sanctuary of their space, the Fox leaned into kiss his Kitten. Excitedly the Kitten returned the kiss with equal passion, the rush of desire that his kiss sent through her left them both knowing, she was at his mercy and could do nothing to change it. The Fox loomed overhead, enticing her, kissing her, and loving her. She remained at ease with the situation and followed his lead, she was his and he knew it. As the moment drew near, the Kitten felt a scream well up inside her and she bit her lip. Her Fox continued to elicit certain indescribable feelings; her body shook with the intensity of it all. The unspeakable things her Fox could do, the surreal pleasure that seared through her, left her in a languid dazed state. This over stimulation of her senses left her dumbfounded; her Fox was capable of loving her into incoherency. The control he had over her now was overwhelming. The Kitten was worried over her heart, but knew that she would have to have a little faith in her Fox; for he was what she wanted and besides, it was too late to do anything about it now, she was in too deep.

To Be Continued�

3:27 p.m. - 2006-08-02
The Fox and the Kitten... The Sin Begins...
Her intelligent little Fox lured her to him; she couldn�t resist his undeniable charm and wit. With every mile marker she passed, her heart began to race with thoughts and expectations for the night. She pondered what would happen; or rather what did she want to happen? Nervous contemplations plagued the Kitten�s mind, what if he wasn�t what she was expecting; could she continue breathing if this turned out to be a complete utter disappointment? She was willing to risk it all, for deep down inside she knew her fox would be everything a more than she expected.

As the Kitten circled the corner and her fox loomed in the darkness of the front walk, her heart began to pound with anticipation. There he stood, sleek, sexy, and stunningly handsome. She didn�t know what to think, feel, or say� For once in her meager existence, the Kitten was speechless. The Fox�s smooth stride over to the Kitten seemed so natural that when he enveloped her in his tepid embrace, both of them released a pent up sigh of relief.

All the kitten�s dreams seemed to be coming true, at the mere sight of him she felt anxious and excited simultaneously. He leisurely leaned in for a kiss, and her stomach fluttered with eagerness; the moment she had spent so many sleepless nights envisioning was finally becoming a reality. The moment their lips touched, heat seared through her body, she felt as though the world around her had disappeared and all that was left was her Fox and herself. In an instant she knew her life would never be the same, she knew she would be forever attached to her Fox, for he now held her heart in the palm of his hand. Although slightly uneasy with trust, deep down the Kitten knew she wanted to give herself, her heart, life, and soul entirely to the Fox, forever.

Ravishing kisses from her Fox left the Kitten in awe and wonder; without hesitation she gave into the passion of the night, returning his fervor with mounting intensity. He was brave, bold, and wildly carefree in loving her, she felt beautiful, desired, and most importantly safe in his arms. The desire flared to uncontrollable heights with the Fox and the Kitten completely enthralled in each other�s embrace, until the breathtaking finale when their bodies heaved in chorus with each other, spilling their love.

Flooding her now were feelings of overwhelming freedom; knowing that she no longer needed to worry, life was beginning for her, and she was ready to start on this journey with him. Prevailing thoughts of the wonderful imminent excursion left her feeling eager to find the answers to all her curious questions she had about her Fox. She held her silence as the sun began to rise, knowing that she had a lifetime to find answers, and only this moment to enjoy him for the first time.

To be continued� will get the latest events in soon� the fox meets the friends and other steamy details�

3:24 p.m. - 2006-08-02
No Time To Say Hello, Good-bye... I'm Late, I'm Late, I'm Late
I know it has been forever since I have written, but do not be fooled, it is not because I haven't anything to say... Quite the opposite, I simply have not had time to say it. The Fox and the Kitten are going well.

I did something totally insane today. I called his bluff, I got everything in order, we will see what happens next time I see him.

1:47 p.m. - 2006-07-23
Work
Well my work shift has changed effective today. I work 3-11pm now... It sucks... have to go get ready. I miss my fox, he has been busy and I miss him already.

1:41 p.m. - 2006-07-23
Still the best match so far... how ironic
There are many different ways to communicate and the two of you seem to be on the same wavelength most of the time. In other words, your partner understands and responds well to your style and method of reasoning, thinking and expressing your thoughts and feelings. You can make yourselves understood the first time, without rehashing and reiterating endlessly. Of course, you won't agree on everything all of the time, but coming to agreement on issues important to you or perceiving what the other wants to communicate will be easier. Your styles of intelligence are also similar and your preferences for mental stimulation could be the same. You are likely interested in many of the same subjects or enjoy learning together. In fact, one the best features of your relationship is that you can say about each other, "You understand me, you really understand me. I can tell you anything." You can talk for hours and never get bored. There's simply a natural connection which will make the rest of your lives together -- and your inevitable challenges -- that much easier. Because, when you put your heads together, you're more likely to arrive at a solution you can both live with than either of you could separately.

12:16 p.m. - 2006-07-22
Crushing Expectations
Dear Jessie,
Here is your horoscope
for Saturday, July 22:

So you have a crush on an inappropriate person. It's really not a big deal! Beating yourself up about this is counterproductive. This is your way of exploring love in a way that lets you keep your distance.

It may be time to say good-bye to something that's been in your life for a very long time (too long, in fact). You're moving into an exciting new phase of life, and to make the journey all the more successful, you need to drop off some old baggage and lighten your load. Admit to yourself that you have limitations, and don't be embarrassed if you never reached that one thing you were working for. Let go of something that once inspired you, but is now only frustrating.

Now that is a little freaky!!! Man these horoscopes are right on nearly everyday. Scary, but at least I like this one. Open for any one to interpret and let me know what you think it means�. Please let me know.

Today I will write about expectations� I think it is important to discuss this topic because everyone has expectations and mostly because they cause a lot of anger and resentment in most everyone�s life. Expectations are standards or achievement levels you develop for the people around you. Expectation vary from person to person. For instance my expectations of my mother are completely different than my expectations of my boyfriend or friends for that matter. The worst thing about expectations is easy it is to get upset when they are not met. Most people will not talk about their expectations, they expect people to read their minds. This is the problem, this is where we all go wrong, especially us women. We can not expect people to know what we are thinking, we need to learn to ask for what we want, ie. �Honey, I would really like to go out to dinner and a movie, it has been forever since you have taken me out.� This lets the other person know what you want and why, without blaming or getting angry. Besides if you expectations are not being met and you refuse to ask for what you want or need, then you need to look at yourself because that is where the problem is.

11:30 a.m. - 2006-07-21
The Beginning of... The Fox and the Kitten, A Forbidden Story.
Okay everyone... my life is really a joke. I will be starting a new story tonight so stay posted. It will be called...

The Fox and the Kitten... we'll see who wins this round...

The Kitten in is feisty and fun...
The Fox is clever and sly...

Place your bets on this match. Here is the beginning...

There once was a Fox, who was so clever and sly, he thought he would try to bait the Kitten. At first the Fox couldn�t even make the Kitten bat an eye. She was stubborn and too preoccupied with her foolish games to turn her head. The Fox was relentless; his playful antics lured the Kitten into his reach. Curiosity drove her further until, before she knew it she was enchanted with her devious Fox. Conversing with him became an obsession for the Kitten; she could listen and talk for hours on end. Her nocturnal Fox was the same way, for the time being all feelings and thoughts were mutual. Both returned the others need for love and attention with equal fervor, quenching a thirst that had subsisted for countless years�

To be continued�

6:33 p.m. - 2006-07-20
Close to Perfect... How Ironic!

Jessie's Sun Conjunct Beautifully Confused's Pluto:

You draw out each other's deepest, hidden feelings, drives, needs, and ambitions. The uncovering of your inner needs and hopes is likely to cause both of you to undergo some major personality changes. You share a deep, inner bond; this is not a light or superficial relationship. You may go on a crusade together and jointly pursue shared interests with unusual intensity and dedication.

Beautifully Confused's Sun Opposition Jessie's Neptune:

There is a strong tendency to be unrealistic in your perceptions and expectations of each other. Bitter disappointments and a loss of trust and confidence in one another can arise. To prevent this from happening, you both must strive be scrupulously honest with each other, and refrain from "playing games", exaggerating or hiding things from one another. If handled positively, this astrological influence can inspire higher ideals and altruism in both of you.

Beautifully Confused's Sun Trine Jessie's Pluto:

Jessie helps Beautifully Confused achieve personal goals, activate Beautifully Confused's latent talents and strengths, and encourages and promotes Beautifully Confused's creative work and endeavors. You can be a very successful duo. However, Jessie can be more driving and ambitious for Beautifully Confused than Beautifully Confused is, like the "stage mother" who pushes her child to shine and to excel even when it is not the child's own aspiration. Jessie can have a profound influence on Beautifully Confused, most likely for the good, but possibly not. Subtle manipulation and domination on Jessie's part should be avoided.

Beautifully Confused's Sun Sextile Jessie's Mars:

Successful cooperation in achieving goals and accomplishing tasks is highlighted. You make an excellent working team and you are able to assist each other in achieving specific, concrete goals.

8:57 a.m. - 2006-07-20
Thoughts of Beautifully Confused...
I woke up and thought of you. I bet you were elated as those CKF resort doors closed for the last time behind you. You walked out to the car with your stuff all packed and resting on your shoulder. As you put your baggage in the trunk, you could smell the sweet scent of freedom and exhaust. You thought of your new future with every mile marker you passed, how things would be wonderful and life would be nothing but kitties and daisies, and occasionally you wondered what exactly that dead animal on the side of the road use to be. Way in the back of your mind you had a lingering thought, one so absolutely ghastly that you tried to heave it to the far reaches of you conscious. This appalling thought, although repressed, is still there waiting for you to acknowledge it. Every mile you drive is putting nothing but distance between you and the greatest person I know, umm me. I could babble on forever because that is what I do best, but I�m sure you have important things to do and people to see so I will cut this wee bit short. I only wanted to say one thing anyways� Pip Pip Cheerio!

5:49 p.m. - 2006-07-18
kansas sucks
Well, I am heading out for dinner and drinks with Hooker. Chad is in jail again and this time the bond is too high for Hooker to do the same old foolish thing of bailing him out. Anyways, work was interesting, I took the fall for a prank that was played this weekend. I did have a big role, but the threesome thing was not me, I bit my lip and kept my mouth shut. My boss told me to take this as a learning experience and the promotion is still mine. I will take the job for now, but as soon as school is done, I am leaving for the land of trees. I am finally going to control my own life no matter what my parents say. This is my life and I will live it. This will probably help me be less stressed. As for beautifully confused, he is suppose to contact me in a couple days. I don't know how I feel about this. When is this foolish little girl gonna learn? I need to get out of krazy kansas, where the people are mad? I let myself be sucked into the insanity. I did not guard myself as I should have, I need to grow a backbone and figure out what I want fast! I need a drink and Hooker is waiting... Maybe I am the Alcoholic, or is it a coincidence I need to self-medicate myself daily? For now I will blame it on krazy kansas. I am not capializing kansas anymore since it is no longer viewed as a state, it is a hole to hell, and holes are not proper, not that kansas ever was proper, but this is my way of telling kansas to F**K OFF, sorry for the world's longest run-on sentence...

Aufweidersein!

10:50 p.m. - 2006-07-17
Whatever
Well it was a depressing day. I knew this day would come and I am looking forward to putting it behind me. I hope my Beautifully Confused friend makes it okay. I hope he is happy in Hutch. I don't know what else to write. So many things left unsaid, so many feelings and thoughts in my head. Where are you now, are you comming back ever? If it were my way, you'd have stayed forever. Love listening to you play, don't ever go away? Miss you already and you're not even gone.

12:02 p.m. - 2006-07-17
Sad Day...
Getting ready for work, fun fun. Last day has arrived, I am extremely sad. I haven't said anything that I wanted to, but hopefully he knows. He is intuitive, I bet he knew before I did. Why did he have to be so perfect? Why did I have to feel this way about him? I would leave everything I have for a chance. There are other jobs and other opportunities. The only things important in life are my family and my happiness, and right now I truly feel that my happines lies with him. Oh well, I will chalk it all up to nothing more than a fleeting crush and let this slip by too. I always do this... Why can't he say something! I want to know how he feels.

10:37 p.m. - 2006-07-16
Beautifully Confused
Another day has gone, what will become of poor pitiful me? Urges, now renamed to Beautifully Confused is going to leave my life very soon, he is moving back to Hutchinson and will forever be gone from me. I miss him already and he hasn't left yet. Does he know that how I feel? Probably has an idea, but only because it is hard for me to hide my feelings. It is so much more than I expected. I love the fact that he brings out the best in me, it gives me hope of something wonderful in this world. I feel happy, yet lonely. Hopeful yet discouraged. Hopeful is the most important because some day I am going to be out sitting somewhere and Mr. Right/Perfect is going to find me. I will open my eyes and look up and he will be there, almost like magic he will appear right before my eyes... I just know so, atleast I hope for this.

No Send Letter...

Beautifully Confused,
You have made me desire more in life, you've brought about in me a transformation, I have hope because of you. I wish I could spend my life making you happy, loving you, and growing old with you. This would make me very happy, for once I don't think about me, I think about you. Embarking on a journey into forever with you, no matter how unattainable and improbable, would be my greatest adventure in life. I could never ask for anything more, this would be all I needed, simply you and as much time as I could possibly get. Do you feel this way? I ask myself this fifty times a day. I see signs that point to something, but what to do about it has left me puzzled. I wish I could come out and say these things to you, but I guess I am waiting for you to speak up. I fear I am a bit of a coward, since so much of my heart is invested in you. I hope your future is bright and the waters are calm. You deserve greatness and everything else. The world is yours for the taking and I know you will reach out and grab it. I love how you make me feel alive and sane.

Sincerely,
Jessie

5:13 a.m. - 2006-07-16
Urges Again
It's late, I'm just getting home. Dave wasn't out at the bar tonight... Which was probably for the best, considering he would have tried to talk to me, of that I am sure. I still have these awful feelings about Urges, tonight's strategy for dealing with them did not work. It was interesting though. He hints at certain things, but I keep thinking that it is all in my head. I think that it is too good to be true. I sent him an email to read, he will no doubt find it interesting especially since I sent it without thinking. That probably means it was the most honest he is going to hear from me.

12:45 p.m. - 2006-07-15
Dreams
Well the party was a crazy one... I will not go into detail. I am still having crazy dreams, this time I was saved from the bears! yeah that's right bears, and they were at my house! It is so nice that these scary dreams are no longer scary. I am being saved or rescued everytime. I don't know what this means, but my horoscope today says it's important that I find out. It is the same person saving me everythime, I wonder if that is what I need to pay attention to, or is it the person who is with me when it gets dangerous? I don't know. I will think on this. I am off to work.

Heres the horoscope...
Dear Jessie,
Here is your horoscope
for Saturday, July 15:

Listen to your dreams. Inspiration and guidance await, if you can only learn to interpret the signals your psyche is sending you. Your social life, especially, will benefit if you home in on your subconscious's messages.

7:07 p.m. - 2006-07-13
My Profile is complete
http://www.myspace.com/meshuggeneh22

I hope that mime picture is off of there by now... lol it was a funny pic.

2:16 p.m. - 2006-07-13
Yeayah!
Well the ladies have called and confirmed they will be by to drink with me (except Roxy...party pooper :)), I will not be lonely tonight. I called work, they already have Diane working, yeayah! The day is looking up every which way I turn. I took a two hour bath and sang at the top of my lungs... It was stress relieving. Now I am so relaxed, I am sitting in front of my computer in nothing but a towel. Lol silly me. I am off to get dressed...

12:02 p.m. - 2006-07-13
Totally Retarted
The day of the party has arrived. I am rested and ready to start in on the booze, that I haven't went to pick up yet. Work is calling me, I'm sure Rachel is sick or something, so I should have to give up my day off. That sounds fair, but on the other hand I could see my buddy if I go in. He would be there. The emails keep coming, why am I compelled to answer them? Why doesn't he just get on messenger?

I dreamt another dream about urges last night. Why can't I get him out of my head. Today is a good day for a party, isn't a party more than one? Well today is a good day to get totally retarted by myself then.

1:21 a.m. - 2006-07-13
Party of ONE!
I totally forgot. The folks are gone for a couple days... So tomorrow I am going to rock this bitch to the ground! I am going to turn the tunes up too loud, the lights down low, and I am going to dance 'til I fall and drink 'til I drop. I won't mind doing this alone, it will be good for me. My biggest choice at the moment is... what cds to put in and what do I want to drink? Hmm... vodka or beer? Vodka. Now that the drink has been chosen... Tunes... hmm... Let's start with some Blink, Green Day, Taking Back Sunday, AFI, Hinder, All American Rejects (the old stuff)... I can't dance to this, but I can jump and such... lol this will be amusing. I'm sure I will think of more. I am going to have one interesting party, I'll have to take pictures to post on myspace.

12:42 a.m. - 2006-07-13
Urges
I didn't do anything tonight. I didn't even take a drink. I feel there has to be something out there. Where it is I don't know. What it is, is still a mystery. I have hurt someone, but there is nothing I can do about it now. It is for the best anyhow. I spent hours chatting online, I haven't done that in a while. I met a person in a chat room, he seems to find me interesting. I must have an air about me that attracts people, why then am I so lonely? For what do I search for? What am I waiting for? These are questions I must know before I will be able to be happy. I wish I would have been just a friend from the beginning, because I miss you already, but I know friendship would be impossible for you. I can not be in a relationship, it is not for me.

I have feelings for someone unattainable, I am so confused right now, my typing probably makes no sense. I want the impossible, is that the basis of it's appeal? More than likely. Why would I want a Gemini anyway, that would never work. Still, I want and I dream for the one that can't be mine. I hurt someone because the guilt of these thoughts, it is awful. I can't think about someone else, when I am with another. That is why I had to end it all. Stop the insanity! So here I am listening to sad songs, sitting alone in my room without a soul to talk to. I need friends not lovers. All my friends are too busy with their lives and issues. I am so selfish, maybe I need counseling. Actually I know I do, but that will never happen. The only person who seems to understand me is just like me and he is unattainable. I guess being friends would be great too though. It sucks to know he will go to the arms of someone else. I will call this unattainable man... urges.

2:01 p.m. - 2006-07-12
I Think I Will
Today would be a good day to leave me alone. I am going to Hooker's house to chat. I don't even want to think about anything about us. I am at my wits end, and to be honest... I am surprised I've waited this long. I am emotionally confused. I am never satisfied, and I have a "what if" or two that I think about, but mostly it is never wanting what I have. I am always wanting something else and as soon as I get it, I become unsatisfied. Ring around the circle. Hold it right there, don't say a word. I hear a voice I've never heard calling my name, saying "this is the one. Oh, my goodness what have you done?" I could turn around and walk away saying "this is too good to be real." I could just do what I've done before, blame it all on the moon, say it's nothing more than the pull of the tide and it's gonna pass, even though something is telling me this time it's gonna last. I could close my eyes and just pretend I don't feel the way I feel, Oh Yes, I think I will.

1:43 p.m. - 2006-07-11
I don't have to be me 'til Friday!
I did not go to work today, as I am sick... sick of work. I wonder if my snuggles will find out and call me??? hmm... guess we'll see. I am off to lunch.

12:56 p.m. - 2006-07-08
Yeayah!
Well, the party was a blast, Kaity was her usual sweet self and Kylie actually ate! Chloe has gotten so big, I haven�t seen her in years. Mom wasn�t stressing as bad as normal, probably because she bought the chicken from Dillon�s rather than making it. Anywho� I really must be going it�s another Saturday at work. Assessments to be done and such� Tune of the day

Sometimes, I crave an old-fashioned adventure.
Yes, some time away from day to day to get ya.
Needed some kind of break,
Like a hammock in the shade.
I've got this spot where it don't get much better.
Yeah, it's cold, it gets hot; I don't worry 'bout the weather.
My private paradise don't fit the classifieds.
Vacation at my side every day and every night.

Hawaii's got big breaks; Michigan, Great Lakes;
Colorado snowflakes, Georgia peaches.
Louisiana hot food, New York attitude, Florida beaches.
Tennessee whiskey; Baby, are you with me?
Texas chili, Virginia pine.
It's hard to beat that California sunshine.
Baby, you're my favorite,
Favorite state of mind.

It feels just like I've died and gone to Heaven.
Your lips, your eyes, hell everything gets me revvin'.
You're fearless and you're fun; thirty flavors all in one.

4:00 a.m. - 2006-07-08
Wasting Your Time
Waste of time? I am incapable of loving someone to the fullest capacity. Why do men feel they need to break me? Make me do their bidding instead of doing mine, why when I order them around, they don�t realize they should just do what I say. Why am I viewed like a horse needing to be broken. They seem to think I need discipline or a strong man. Don�t they get it, I am already broken, that is the true problem. I need a soft hand, a patient one. And I hate questions. I will not explain, I do not care to justify or tell my story of why. I can�t, I refuse. Besides it seems obvious to me. I feel like it is written all over me, I feel like I can�t ever escape it, I wear it every day. It is a horrible reminder that never leaves me, it has tarnished everything I use to hold dear. It has ruined me, I can not let it go. I haven�t and I can�t tell a soul. Only one has come close to guessing and I wouldn�t admit it. To admit means to be victimized. It means surrender, it admits that someone has the power to control your thoughts and feelings, but in a way I�ve already let them control my life. I am hard, resilient and alive, I have won right? Even if to be these things and to run from hell means to be lonely forever? I still won, �cause I fronted like I was strong� when I really wanted to be weak. But I am ashamed of it all. Who really cares? I don�t, in fact I�ve let most of it go. Still the memory haunts me, and I find myself shuddering when my mind relapses into the past� This has made me who I am, and I think I love me.

You are wasting your time. It is inevitable that it will not work. I will leave or you will because I will run or you will get tired of breaking down the unbreakable walls. I am sorry for waiting this long. I didn't think the attatchment would be this stong so soon. It was fun, I will never forget you, but leave while you still can, before you are hurt more than you deserve. Good luck, and don't bother trying to help me, fix anything, or firgure out what's wrong. Give up.

Goodnight and Goodbye.

1:35 a.m. - 2006-07-07
Fact or Fiction?
�Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow is wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.�

-Old Eskimo proverb

I got my car back today. I could jump for joy. I noticed the sunroof looked like it had been used, and since it isn�t working I tried to open it� It opened! Now of course it doesn�t close, but hey� it gets fixed tomorrow.

Thought I saw a tear
Trying to face my fear
Flight or fight response
Slamming me in fifth gear
Safe now for today
Looking still for a way
To overcome this shit
And just be okay
I really want tell
All about my hell
But to take the time
Also means to dwell
I can not wait
�Til it�s too late
I need to confess
But will he berate

What�s up? I know, I know...drunken bumbling once again� HA HA..
So was that true
Or was it not?
I�m too drunk
So I forgot
I do not know
Where this will go
I hate this shit
So this is it

Goodnight!

1:40 a.m. - 2006-07-06
Longing 4 Sleep
"cock-a-doodle-do-me!"

He makes me feel impulsive, reckless
How did he fit the world into that kiss?
It's so intimidating, now I'm complicating
What should be simple is so frustrating.

I must have spent hours trying to write about what I feel or think today and that's all I have come up with... Not very creative, but true none-the-less. Finally after hours of beating my head against the wall, in my pitiful attempt to react to the last couple days, I have decided to take a stroll into the paper archives. The paper archives of poetry. I would never put in the stuff I did, it's way to incriminating. Here is some junk from back in the day

5/29/06

Just a friend

Once again I caused the end
Destined to be just a friend
Those who care are not for me
Those who are I won't let them be
Looking forward to living lonely
No one else just me only
Solitary I will be
'Til the Lord comes for me
Attempting change is no use
I think I crave this self-abuse
So I walk with head hanging low
Wanting to love but not willing to go
The extra mile required of me
My plastic smiles are meant to be
On my face forever and more
So all the world can look and adore
At the charade that I call me
My life is a joke everyone sees
Happiness is a state of mind
Fooling myself and yet I find
It's terribly easy for me to pretend
That I'm content just being a friend
Those who know me don't know me well
And they don't ask so I won't tell
All my thoughts, fears, and such
All the things I want so much
People pleasing I do best
But being me is a test
I don't even try I never will
Maybe someday but not until
Someone surfaces reaching out a hand
And lifts me up to take a stand
Against my defenses and walls I've built
Repairing my heart like a patchwork quilt
For it is shattered in tiny pieces
Less mendable as time increases
As the hour glass drains away
I know forever I will stay
In myself so all alone
With no one here to call my own
Silence is golden I know in the end
That I will be known only as just a friend.

1/1/05

Left here lonely silenced by no sound
Yet a peace of mind I have not found
A tired mind after a full nights sleep
Fighting the urge to break down and weep
Lost within myself on a mission to see
What amidst the rubble is the true me
Unanswered questions plague my mind
Scared of myself and the answers I'll find

No comment

October Scars. Exact date unknown

I know who you are and what you have done
You've left your scars, but you haven't won
I felt so helpless when you had me down
I was on my own pressed on the ground
I hate your ghostly touch that haunts my dreams
You're in every man I meet inescapable it seems
I'll never forgive you as long as I live
You took everything from me that I wouldn't give
Now every man will suffer for what you have done
Yeah, you've left some scars, but you haven't won

All the way back to 2001. Here we go...

Treat me like a toy
Really try and use me in every way you can
Never consider my feelings
Trust me I don't care
Oh, I really hate you

Well I am noticing a trend... appears I am crazy.

Back even further...

Wishful Thinking

You have beautiful eyes and neat healthy hair
A tall average body, a complexion that's fair.
You have a great sense of humor, never taken too far
The glass is half full, as optimistic as you are.
I feel so safe when you hold me near
Like I've nothing to hide and nothing to fear.
I wonder when I'll meet you, is it far away?
It could be years from now or later this day.

1998
People would think me crazy
If only they knew
I listen to John Denver
And sing along too.

The curling iron my mic
The bathroom my stage
I so act my shoe size,
And never my age.
There is like 100 more, each one a piece of the puzzle... I will finish tomorrow, I am finally tired.

11:07 p.m. - 2006-07-05
Accurate? Probably...
Jessie's Sun Square David's Mercury:

The ego is standing in the way of comprehension, causing you to tune the other out and resulting in confusion. You may have to repeat and explain yourselves, so while there may be much conversation, there is a lack of understanding between the two of you.

David's Sun Trine Jessie's Venus:

You are good friends because you like each other as well as love and support each other. You see each other as loving and beautiful. As a result, you love to be together. You support each other's artistic interests and talents and bring out the best in one another.

Jessie's Sun Square David's Saturn:

You each act like an authority figure with the other---and each resent and fear the other's authority. You each feel you are right. You are stoic, serious and unbending with each other. This is to cover up your fear.

Jessie's Sun Conjunct David's Uranus:

You trigger each other's individuality, inventiveness, desire for freedom and, in some cases, rebellion. Yours is an electric relationship---very exciting, unusual and unpredictable. You are psychically attuned to each other.

David's Sun Trine Jessie's Uranus:

You encourage each other's individuality, uniqueness and inventiveness by giving each other the space to be yourselves. You are non-possessive of one another and find the other fascinating. You can be in tune psychically.

David's Sun Square Jessie's Pluto:

There is a strong power play between the two of you. You each want to be in control and are threatened by the fear of losing the game, for it is an all-or-nothing, winner-take-all game. You do not trust the other and are always looking for the other's weak spots, at the same time you are protecting yourselves from attack.

Jessie's Sun Opposition David's Asc.:

You see yourselves in each other. This creates either the ability to put yourself in the other's place or a tug of war.

1:07 p.m. - 2006-07-04
The Lion and the Kitten... Returns...
The Kitten may never make it back into sanity, but the black waves of adversity that were beating at her shores have transformed into waters of turquoise tranquility. With the sun shining and the cool air rushing over her, the Kitten reflects of the night before, where she was in the arms of her Lion. Cunning, powerful, and yet so vulnerable, her Lion tried to make her feel comfortable, but it was apparently early on in the festivities this was not an attainable goal. He settled on a more realistic goal and the night moved forward.

Maybe someday things will happen for me� Patience is a virtue.

It is the 4th of July and I am working� fun, fun. I am starting to doubt previous thoughts I�ve had about something or someone. Either I am walling off myself again or I don�t care very much. Hmm� what to do.

10:26 a.m. - 2006-07-02
Who Cares?
Today is a sad day indeed. Lectures from Mom and Dad about student loans and living at home for eternity. Now they think I should stay until I have paid them off. I just can�t seem to get out of self-pittyville, it seems like all the signs are pointing me in circles. Mom and Dad, my car, my life in general, all these things are in shambles. They want me to stay at home, stop hanging out with my friends, and give them all of my paycheck so they can dump it on my student loans. Here we go again, I am going to get another part-time job, just so I can have cash that I won�t have time to spend, but it will make the time fly faster. Before I know it, I am going to be old and decrepit, living at home, unmarried, unwanted, and childless (this was a given). Then when my parents are gone, I will be even more pathetic than I am now, because I�ll be living at home talking to myself. Why is it that my dreams are so small and yet still so unattainable? I could really use a friend right now, I feel so sad and lonely. Sad thing is, everyone will probably laugh at me and think I over-dramatize everything, well guys it feels real to me.

1:29 a.m. - 2006-07-02
Resilience
Dave is still not here, where is everyone when I need them? I know that is selfish, but I get so tired of being alone when the sky falls on me� this is probably why I am the strongest person I know. I am left to my own defenses and I pull through every time. I am going to be less helpful to those around me, mostly because it has done me a lot of good not having support in times of trial. I have become self reliant and resilient. Good traits if you ask me.

11:45 p.m. - 2006-07-01
Having A Bad Day
What a day� Have you ever had a day were everything went wrong? Well today was my day. I hit a raccoon, a huge one� It must have been 30lbs! It broke my fog light, fucked up my undercarriage on my car and cracked my front bumper. Damn coon! Then as if my day hadn�t been bad enough, a lady has a seizure at work, the patients are freaking out when the paramedics arrive, and I get chided by my co-worker because he thinks he�s an MD. To make matters worse my car overheats before I get home, I start crying on the phone with my boyfriend who by this time in my ranting and raving must think I am completely insane. The first thought on my mind is drinking antifreeze since I have no way to get beer, because all my friends are sleeping or their phone is busy. I settle for walking to get beer. After tossing a few back and a couple shots later� I feel much better, but that doesn�t stop my Dad from giving me a midnight lecture in his skivvies about cars and how sometimes it�s a bitch. The day can only get better right? Well if you�re not me maybe, but since I am the living joke, the day can only get more ironic and crazy.

Okay, I am going to look at the positives of the day�

The lady at work did not die, and is just fine.
Dad is going to fix the fog light on my car.
I have beer, lots of it.
Dave will be here soon to pick me up.
Lillee is being an angel.
Bubba has moved out.

That�s all I got for positives, but at least it is a start.

Sometimes it gets real hard,
And I need some kind of output.
For input twice the size of my one inch mind.
So slap me on the hand.
Put it right back down my pants.
Turn me right around.
Kick me in the ass.

Well today I say sweet things,
But tomorrow,
I'll be making up excuses,
For my actions �cuz it's been so long,
Since I've been in love.
That special kind of feeling.
Guess my best excuse.
I'm on the wagon again.

11:11 a.m. - 2006-06-30
Wishing Minute... 11:11
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, June 30:

Who says you have to know everything? Who told you that you have to be perfect or no one will love you? It's time to identify those old judgmental voices and break the power they have over you. Don't blame. Move on. Why pressure yourself into taking it all in when grasping one small detail can be so rewarding? Right now you need to focus on one aspect of your life to see how you can improve it. Instead of focusing on your overall health, try just your teeth. Instead of focusing on making more money, try just saving one dollar a day. And instead of focusing on finding a true love, try just finding someone you can have a great conversation with. The best way to move forward is by taking one step at a time.
Okay that�s a little strange.

Woke up after a weird nights sleep, poor fluffs, I know I kicked her off the bed a few times. Not sure what I was dreaming about, but my muscles ache today so I know I was tossing and turning throughout the night. Anyways, �I think I like today, I think it�s good.� I woke up in a good mood; I am excited about going to work. There is a person in there that has probably missed me immensely. I can not wait to catch up with them.

Bubba leaves tomorrow; this is the highlight of my week. I will begin painting very soon� yeah yeah yeah! Can barely contain the excitement. Anyways, I am going to take a shower and get ready to face the remainder of the day. �Til later�

6:15 p.m. - 2006-06-29
The Kitten killed the Lion
She made up her mind, get while the getting was good. Impatiently waiting for things to be perfect, what was she thinking? Shouldn�t they be perfect already, isn�t it too soon to be this dissatisfied? She is fully sentient that fairy tales do not exist, still she can�t seem to shake the feeling that something similar to one exists for her, somewhere, with someone. Does this make her selfish? Should she just keep going along, when she knows that her Lion might never be able to quench her thirst for life and love. She can�t foresee herself settling for anything less than love or perfection. He proclaims his love for her over the phone, in messages, but never when he is looking at her. How is she suppose to believe any of that? Time is of the utmost importance right now, so completely valuable for her. She needs to take advantage of this time to figure out just what it is that has her so restless. Determination sets in; she has made up her mind to go on this quest of self-discovery, an expedition into her very being. Time alone, more time alone, all this has to lead to something. Surely she can live within her own skin all by herself without going crazy. Somehow she knows that she has already crossed the line into insanity, can she make it back?

This might be the last of the Lion and the Kitten� For the Kitten has forced the Lion to leave. I will be off to the movies tonight� not sure if I will watch Click, Lake House, or Superman. I haven�t been to the theatres in a long time and since I will never find anyone to take me I am going alone. I was headed out to eat alone, but my folks spared me the loneliness by inviting me to eat BBQ. I am a lonely girl, who is never happy and always searching for something. It might help if I knew what to look for.

12:00 p.m. - 2006-06-29
The Lion and the Kitten... tiffs and tantrums
Speaking to him was probably a mistake, but she couldn�t resist the urge. He was relentless in calling her and she was too uncertain to speak up. She knew she would be apprehensive in talking to him, too controlled by her qualms. She longed for their freedom, a freedom that couldn�t be obtained during these months. She desperately desired a life free of restraint, free of responsibility, a life he could never provide for her, possibly a life he couldn�t remember. The kitten within her was wild, reckless, and torn between what she wanted and what she had. The child in her needed to be nurtured, loved, and cared for; tragically there was no one available to do so. She desperately needed him to hold her, to let her know that everything would be okay, but the Lion with his loyal obligations couldn�t provide this for her. The Kitten was deserted with only herself to depend on; she would have to support herself once again. She frequently wondered if anything would ever change, would there finally come a day when she wouldn�t be left to her own defenses, a day when she could be weak, vulnerable, and loved, when she could stop worrying about herself and everyone and let someone else take care of it all. She snapped at her Lion on the phone, attempting to cast her ire in his face, but the Lion was cunning, he knew the tiff would pass; it was merely a matter of time before his Kitten realized the error of her ways. After hanging up the phone the Kitten chided herself for spitting such vicious words at her Lion, she was angry and had taken it out on her Lion. Remorse inevitably set in to consume the Kitten with guilt, when will she be able to control her temper? The Lion patiently waited for the proper amount of time to pass before he called her, intuitively knowing that she would calm herself down enough to hash out the issue. The solution, the Kitten was still unsure of, was it over? Probably not, guess we�ll see�

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