Whatever
December 19, 2007 - 11:36 p.m.
So I went to see my grandmother in the old folks care home tonight. As my mother and I walked out of the room, all my grandmother could say was, "Help me, help me." What the fuck? I swear on everything, I don't want to do that to my parents. I couldn't just do that. I was the most horrible hurtful thing ive ever seen. Euthinasia shold be legal.




Here and Now
December 05, 2007 - 8:39 p.m.
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season
Matchbox 20 - Mad Season

I never start an entry with lyrics, but I feel it necessary. The world has beat my ass for the past month, and the only way to escape I found out was a huge mistake. Now I hold broken pieces of my life along with broken pieces of personal property. When does it end?




Forgivness
December 01, 2007 - 7:15 p.m.
God forgive me for this sin I am about to commit. It's all in justice. He dug his own grave.




one year later
November 14, 2007 - 10:05 p.m.
It's quite wierd when you find yourself pointing fingers. You point out flaws only to discover you should be pointing fingers at yourself.




yes, what would you like?
November 04, 2006 - 11:44 a.m.
i miss when myself what what made me happy. no, really. myself. i feel now that im only happy if im around someone.

it used to be so much better. the middle and high school days. everything is just such bullshit now. nothing is genuine. people suck. you only had those friends. ive yet to find friends like my friends used to be. before i knew anyone but our little group..

it feels more like people knew nothing better than to be good, and i was naive to how pepople really can be. once you pick up on shit, it really just makes you what kind of person you are. your own knowledge is what can make you good or bad.




sadfjklasdfkjsdfklj
August 26, 2006 - 6:46 p.m.
I don't appreciate anything. Really though. I don't even know where to being to rant. I haven't let shit out in so long, I attempt to let everything out at once and it doesn't work.

As petty as your problems seem, they aren't. They are YOUR problems, so they are NOT petty. If something is a "problem" to me, then it IS to me. I'm sorry my problem doesn't fit your definiton of a "problem", but it's my deal so fuck off.

This thing can't even help me out anymore. I just have so much petty stress. I guess it's just my personality type that makes me this way. Over analyzing and assuming everything. It's a horrible quality, which only leads to more bad qualities.

Fuck everything.

To the Howard family, my heart goes out to you.




Professional Fuck-Up
July 12, 2006 - 11:43 p.m.
Umm. Well...

I'm finally 21. It's brought nothing more than a world of shit into my fucking brain. I know what I have to do, and I know what damage has been done.

When you are a certain way for so long, it's hard to fix it. It's hard to deal with situations that I know I would normally be upset over. It's hard to let things go. I know if I don't improve these things now, I'm going to be unhappy when I'm old.

Saying, "It's just the way I am" is never an excuse to just act in a way that upsets someone you are close to. Theres a line there, and I've crossed it too many times. For anyone you care about, there is a higher respect, not disrespect becuase you are comfortable with them.

I'm really going through a lot mentally right now. I let a lot of things bother me. I procrastinate. I've developed unhealthy social habits to where I'm put in situations, constantly feeling uncomfortable. I'm tense. I'm anxious. I'm a bundle of raw emotions.

The longer I stay firm with the right way to go about things, the easier it's going to get.

I've lost the number one person to help support me with this. It's harder to want to try now that I feel like I have no reason. At the same time, I feel like the ultimate goal of this change is to prove myself something better than I have been. Actually, I know that. It's just about proving myself to her.

I've ruined too much in the past to give up this potential last chance of someone who I think is perfect for me. You say that time and time again, but you never really feel it until you feel it. You can feel something like this. It's different. When you connect with someone on a level deeper than the ordinary person, you definately feel it, and it's definately different.

I hope and pray to whatever there may be..that this all works out.




Anger Management 101
March 30, 2006 - 10:08 a.m.
The hardest part of staying positive..is staying positive. People seem to just fuck my shit up, and I have pretty much three choices. I can either blow up, crawl inside myself and pout, or say, "whatever dude." The first and second have been my resort for I don't know how many years. The "whatever dude" is my new Hakuna Matata theory. It seems to be working well. It's just hard to stick to. Try it next time you're mad. Just say, "whatever dude..." You will feel better.




Disreguard
March 24, 2006 - 11:21 a.m.
I feel horrible. I feel like I'm alone in San Francisco. I feel like I'm looking for the first inviting smile. I just dont fucking feel right. It seems like I'm looking for something that isn't there. This dosen't even feel okay anymore.

A whole lot of other people have way more important problems than I do, but I don't give a fuck. This is MY shit, not anyone elses, so I don't fucking care about anyone.




When All I Needed Was the Truth
March 23, 2006 - 12:49 p.m.
I can't believe how fake everyone is. I just can't fucking believe it. Hypocrites. There when they want to be. There when they want something. Not there when you want just a yes or no. Never fucking there to help someone out. But it's expected of me, right?

It's okay in my book. So long as I can treat everyone with the same plain front. So long as I can see these traits in people. Alright as long as I can compose myself through the thick, and feel better about myself through the thin.

You know who you are.




Where I'm at Now
January 19, 2006 - 9:49 a.m.
I can't quite explain the things that have been running through my head. I'm starting to miss old shit. I'm getting sick of Fairfield, and sick of the people at my job. That's going to be anywhere I go, though. My head is all fucked up and in disarray. I never know what to think anymore. If I do figure it out, I have to question it. I don't know what the fuck has been wrong with me. It's almost too much to bear sometimes. It's difficult for me to accomplish everyday tasks witout some sort of anxiety. I feel like I'm losing it, and I can barely hold on. These next two weeks have to be a turning point.




Turning Point
December 05, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.
Either everyone misunderstands me, or I'm going crazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm an idiot when I know goddamn well I'm not. I pretty much feel like everyone is testing me. I don't know how much longer it's going to be before I explode on someone.




Baby, lets go..
November 21, 2005 - 9:27 a.m.
Things feel alright. I've seen a whole lot of people I never would have seen if things didn't change. I'm glad they did. So fucking glad.

It's nice to find something that you've been looking for. Nice to find something that has been running through your head forever.

I guess its nice to feel like myself again.

goddamn..




Oh fuck you..
November 07, 2005 - 3:03 p.m.
I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I learned a lot about people this weekend. I love it. These are the kinds of things that make me happy to be alive. They push away all the bullshit and bring some reality to everything. I can see clearly now..or something..




I need DP I need DP
October 07, 2005 - 7:03 p.m.
While I have a quick chance to write..

Parents are gone for the weekend. It's alright so far. First time my room has been tacked out.

Abby and I are on a break. I'm taking this worse than I should, though I won't show it. Not unless I talk about it. Maybe doing things to myself is why I get so unstable sometimes.

The band is awesome. Well, not really a band, but Andrew and I. We have a whole song, recorded on videocam. As it is, I think it sounds pretty good. Everyone who has heard it has pretty much given good feedback. We have a second song started, with PLENTY of ideas to make it full.

Im going to shower now.




In Memory
September 14, 2005 - 9:59 a.m.
A friend of mine died. Complete shit. He was such a good guy, this is totally unexpected. It's hard for me to believe, and I think I'm still in shock. I sit and I think sometimes, why am I sitting here eating, and he isn't? Why am I driving around, and he isn't? It makes me feel no good. I do believe there are people in this world that should have been there instead of him, like myself. When something like this happens to such a good person, im really makes you think why everything is so fucked up. We will all miss him, very much. May he rest in peace.

Before this, and even more after, I've been thinking of things I should focus on. I want my band, I want my photography, and I want everything to fucking work. It seems like you get up a little bit, and something knocks you down. Little setbacks kill me, and there have been many along the way. I let how my life at the moment is, affect my reaction to something. It's all a matter of making myself do it how it should be done.

Abby's brother gave me a plant; a Wandering Jew. It's doubled in size, and I'm actually suprised Iv'e cared for it as long as I have. Whenever I look at it though, I usually give it water.

I'm detailing my car today, at home. It's been awhile, but it needs to be done. That is my thing for today. I must leave now..




new view.
August 31, 2005 - 1:28 p.m.
Me me me. Let us see.

I switched my car insurance. I saved money, but I didn't go through Geico. Now I'm on my own policy, which is kind of cool. I've been working a whole lot, and making money money money. I can't complain, because I love my job and I love the people I work with. It's like a second family over there. I've learned a lot, which is one of the best things about my job.

I'm getting another tat on Saturday. I'm getting my parent's names, with the "birds" carrying a banner with the names on it. Mabye something behind it. I can't wait, though. Its the start of my sleeves. One of them at least. Andrew is going to get tatted, also. Abby will be there, and she can see a real tattoo artist, not some half ass, 40 year old demon wannabe.

I may give long hair another shot, but this time keep the shit groomed throughout the process. I think I can do it, its just making it through the shitty part. Grooming could possibly help, though.

We have roaches. Yes, roaches. Thanks to the dirty Mexicans next door, we now have roaches. We have lived here 12 years, roach free, but some dirty fucking Mexicans move in next door, and bring their roaches, and we have to suffer. It makes me want to put his baby in a clothes dryer.

Overall, things are on the up for me. I'm happy with Abby. My job is great. Andrew is cool. I've learned not to be bitter towards people doing better than me, because I know I'm happy with what I'm doing myself. As long as I make myself happy, no matter what I have or don't have, that's all that matters to me.




Calling Baton Rouge
July 28, 2005 - 6:59 p.m.
If I could drop everything, and leave to Louisiana, I would do it. I think if I could make it on my own, I would leave. It has to be only the most beautiful place on this earth. I promise.




halo_fourteen
July 16, 2005 - 7:25 p.m.
Everyone go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was amazing. I should have expected nothing less. Tim Burton is over the top and awesome, as usual. Johnny Depp is FUCKING amazing. That boy can do anything, I swear. Johnny Depp was his own character. He didn't try and bite off of Gene Wilder. That's all I have to say. If you want more, go see the shit.

Everything else is going fine. Work is great. Making lots of money, none of which is really mine yet becuase I fucked off so much in the months prior to going back to the wash. Things are starting to come together, though. Abby, Andrew, Phil and I got Six Flags passes. Gay part is they close at 8 every night except Saturdays, when they close at 9.

Abby and I have fixed things. It's not hard, and it should have been this way long ago. We're both just stupid. I couldn't ask for anyhting more.

There really isn't much more to my life right now. Sorry for the lack of updates. Fuck off if you don't like it.




Even though this might bruise you..
June 01, 2005 - 10:39 a.m.
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry..




Over again?
May 30, 2005 - 2:25 p.m.
This definatley hurts. I really haven't felt this shitty in forever. I wish I still had my Abby. The old Abby from a year ago. I wish I weren't the only one trying. I wish that she could want US as much as I do. I wish she weren't so stubborn. I'm just not okay with this. Part of me was okay with Ashlee leaving me. But not Abby. It hurts the most when I feel like I've been the best person I can be to her for the past 10 months, and I'm the one getting dumped. I hate solving our problems, and having 10 more pop up. Maybe this NEEDS to come to an end, but I don't feel inside that it is the time. I don't feel any change for her, it seems that shes the one telling me she doens't feel the same. There are a lot of reasons flying through my head as to why this happened, but I'm not making any assumptions.

I hate everyone who has something to stay. Can you please just stay the fuck out of something you know nothing about?

It hasn't even been 24 hours.

I still love you.

I only think of you as breaking my heart,
I'm tryin to keep it together but I'm fallin apart,
Feelin all out of my element,
Throwin things, cryin,
Tryin to figure out where the hell I went wrong,
The pain reflected in this song,
Isn't half of what I'm feelin inside.




Stay on Your Grind..
May 23, 2005 - 11:50 a.m.
Things are feeling right. I got promoted to Express Lube. It's quite a change, but it's by far better than ANY job I've ever had. So far anyway. I like it a lot. I'm at 8 an hour right now, but when I get certified, I get 9. When I'm done training, I'm going to be the only person at all three sites that is fully trained on everything. I feel so cool.

No matter what you do, make sure you're doing YOUR thing..no matter what it is you do, get it done.

automatic, systematic,
do what you do playa,
just keep that money on your mind..




See it There?
May 20, 2005 - 7:10 p.m.
I sort of feel like my life is leading up to one big breakdown. Sometimes you can only take so much.

It's really depressing how things don't mean quite as much as they did when I were younger. There are only so many things that can be "new" to you.




I Don't Need Friends.
May 19, 2005 - 11:59 a.m.
I've been putting this off for too long.

People know too much about Abby and I, even after I've taken the necessary steps to make sure people's noses aren't where they belong.

Apparently, our business is everyone elses. My efforts have failed. So this is how I'm gonna do..

FUCK Eric, FUCK Sean, FUCK Jared, FUCK Josh, and fuck you too if you want to be all in my shit.

Quit fuckin talking like you don't like drama, but all you do is get caught in it. Quit fuckin talkin like you don't do shit. I'm not fuckin stupid. Word spreds. Next time, be careful who the fuck you trust.




A Little Dust on the Bottle
May 09, 2005 - 2:37 p.m.
I'm having the worst time right now. I can't seem to get things to work with Abby. Anytime I say anything, she rips it apart. Everytime she says something to me, I get pissed. Everytime we make way to being the people we used to be, one of us misreads the other. I'm so stuck. Some say everything good has to come to an end. I myself say that I can do anything I put my mind to.

Everything else is perfect. There's nowere left to go but up. I just got hired at the car was again. I talked to the managers. They laid it out for me. If I want to get what I want, I need to stick with them. The managers. They said it. I could tell by how they were acting that it was one of those, follow-me-and-you'll-be-okay type things. I'm about to start a band, which is my main goal in life. I have the drive. I have what it takes to make myself something now.

All I want is my girlfriend. Without problems. I think that everything laid out on the table is too much at this point. Baby steps. I can do anything I put my mind to. You know I can.

At the bottom there ain't shit to loose and everything to gain




Yadidimean?
April 21, 2005 - 12:48 p.m.
So, I really do hate Ashlee Lester. The bitch keeps on running her fucking mouth to anyone that will listen to her. It's really a shame, when I did absolutley nothing to somebody, and they still talk shit. That bitch dumped me, and my attemts to get her back failed. Over a year ago. I have been done for so fucking long.

Who leaves annonymous comments? Who talks highschool freshmans about what bad people Abby and I are? Who breaks out car windows? Who dumped who? Oh yeah, the only thing she could seem to tell Abby, was "I dumped him! I'm over him!" Really? If you're so over me, you would grow up, and quit running your mouth about people you don't even talk to.

So, let me review the past nine months. In about September, I broke it to Ashlee that I don't want to be friends with her. That was it. This bitch goes crazy and starts making up lies to Abby about things I've supposedly done, just to get me into trouble. After that settles down, the bitch comes and leaves annonymous comments on Abby's livejournal, one of them being about how I cheated on everyone I've dated, yet, I still keep my mouth shut to her. Too bad the dumb bitch blew her cover, but won't admit it. Oh yeah, then she comes and breaks out my car window. Yeah, thats right, vandalism. Even I'm not stupid enough to pull some bullshit like that. Now she's back running her mouth to anyone that will listen.

Give it up, fat fuck. Just fucking give up.

For once, I can say that I am completely innocent. I haven't said one word to that bitch since I told her that I don't want to talk to her anymore. It's pretty hard for me to comprehend what the fuck she is doing, seeing as how I'm usually deserving of such actions.

The moral of this story, kids: Don't belive anything anyone tells you about anyone, becuase it may not be true.

To those who know me: Ask me if you have any doubt.

To everyone else: Don't talk shit unless you want to fight. Straight up.




Stop It
April 19, 2005 - 1:26 p.m.
Yadidimean I'm hotta den steam.

I hate my job.

I'm tryin for the wash, where I know how to bring in the skrill. I can run that fuckin place how I used to. I need it.




I Am Colorblind.
April 05, 2005 - 3:44 p.m.
MySpace is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to the internet.

I got a job.

I think I have to hide my fetti in the bush now.

Saturday is a celebration, bitches. Im going to try to put all sorts of illegal substances in my body. Yeah, go tell all your friends, like Taking Back Sunday, you fucking dykes.

Ah shit son.




Who Shot Ya?
April 24, 2005 - 1:05 a.m.
Well, I'm feeling better about pretty much everything in my life, which is a huge change. I need to be making money, and spending money to be happy, thats just how it goes for me. For almost a year, I've had nothing to spend. Not very fun at all.

I'm on an alright job lead. Can't say where, then I might get stalked again. It's an alright job, something I've done before. Chill as fuck. I like the idea.

One of the managers at my Mom's work co-owns an art gallery in Napa. My mom suggested printing some of my pictures on post cards, and selling them in the gallery. It's not for sure yet, but she is going to talk to the lady on Wednesday. The deal would be something like five cards, five envelopes. It wouldn't cost much to print, and I would probably make a whole lot more off it. Also, there could also be the option to sell my actual prints in the gallery. That would be a dream come true. Ah, I hope everything goes well.




Standing Ovation
April 01, 2005 - 2:04 a.m.
From now on, only what I want people to know. I shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Everyone that actually knows me, thank the people that don't know me, for knowing more about my own life than I do.

Nothing as of now. Just letting you know.

You, good sirs, can fuck off.




done done done
March 28, 2005 - 12:11 a.m.
im through with this shit. people love to run their fucking mouths. if you know me, you know me. let me know if you want the password to this.




New Style
March 25, 2005 - 7:27 p.m.
blog style on diaryland. just for you.




we're in this together
March 25, 2005 - 7:14 p.m.
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you




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