12:27 a.m. - 2016-07-30
So many thoughts
I wonder how much longer I would have gone on being unhappy because it seemed to be the right thing to do if I had never met Lars.
I don't think I necessarily love him, but I certainly do enjoy spending time with him. Was it like this in the beginning with Adam? Before we fucked each other up?
Lars makes me feel wanted without even trying. Adam keeps asking me how he can make me feel wanted. I feel like it's not something that can be taught. You either want me, and you express it appropriately, or you don't want me. There is no third option of me teaching you how to make me feel wanted. It's not hard to look into someone's eyes and say 'i want you'( without wanting to fuck them).
Lars propositioned me on Sunday. Told me that if I moved to Lismore he could take care of me until I got a job. This coming from a man going through the most bitter divorce I've ever encountered. It blew my mind. The gesture is just the most genuine offer I've ever had in my life. And if Lismore wasn't so fucking far away from everything that I love here in Sydney maybe I would have accepted.
Maybe it's our situations bringing us together. I really fear that our feelings are a transference of what we actually feel for our partners. He still loves his soon to be ex-wife, and I still love Adam. But due to the hurt associated with that love, we have found each other. And we are starting to feel that way about each other....i worry that our feelings aren't true.
But every time I hear from him I can't help but smile. He just makes me happy. He makes my heart happy...the way Adam used to before we started fucking each other off.
I had a date, I guess you would call it, with Adam tonight, and it was nice. We laughed. We talked. We drank. But it still felt somewhat strained. The ease with which we once spoke to each other has disappeared. I take that back, we have never spoken to each other easily. Always too embarrassed or nervous to come out with the truth. And now when we do, it's usually met with resentment. I explained a few things tonight hoping that being in public meant he wouldn't be a cunt and that seemed to worked. Or maybe he is finally growing up.
My problem these days is that I am happier when he is not around. It doesn't mean I don't WANT him around but when he is there is this aura of... anxiety. Anger. Hurt. There is no happy. We have a long way to go if we are to continue being a couple. I refuse to go back to our old ways. REFUSE.
I like the way Lars likes who I am without wanting to change me. He enjoys seeing me be happy even if that means I'm making a fool of myself. It's so refreshing. And it does make me want to run away with him. Even just to enjoy that feeling of freedom for one day.
I'm making a shit load of plans to travel with my friends which makes me happy. In the beginning I tried to invite Adam along, but now I know my trips are better off without him. That's the saddest thing in the world to say. He is my husband and I do not want to spend time with him.
I hope that as he continues to grow within himself we will somehow reconnect. It's the only way this will ever work. I do not want my life to be an unhappy one. I owe it to Lauren to have the best damn life ever, and right now it's feeling good.
I'm worried about letting Lars in too deeply. I'm worried about hurting him too. He seems to understand that I'm not his to have but he needs me in his life. I don't know how far I can push that. We have connected over the similar ways in which our respective partners have treated us. But to me that's not love. It's friendship. And it's deep.
It's such a shame that my life has come to this. I wish I had never married. Splitting up is so much easier when you haven't invested so much money into a wedding. and what do we have to show for our relationship/marriage? Nothing. I wanted to have Adam's child. I wanted it so badly I considered going off the pill while we were on our honeymoon. I don't know what stopped me from doing so but I'm so thankful I did. This would be so much harder if I was pregnant.
I noticed that Adam had started to wear his wedding ring again tonight. I wanted to ask him why. It feels that he is so much more optimistic about this working than I am. I can't stand the thought of wearing my ring or looking at our photos. My dress hanging up at the end of my bed sickens me.
I told Adam tonight that he has lost me. We had a bit of a fight via messages the other day (I came home from Splendour and was fucking depressed to be home. I hated Sydney. I hated work and I hated being home with him) and I told him that I wanted to run away so that I couldn't hurt anyone again or be hurt, and he cracked it at me. Told me I wasn't allowed to run away. Then went on about all the effort he has been putting in and how he wants to give up because it doesn't seem to be working. I guess I kind of affirmed that it wasn't. It's not enough to try for one day out of every 20. And then sook if I don't respond how you want me to. At the end of the day I'm still hurting. I never stopped. The tears have dried up but the pain is still there. And he still doesn't recognise that. I told him that he has to win me back or risk losing me. Put himself out there time and time again like I did for 10 fucking years and even then there are two options; I'll accept his effort and take him back or I won't. Either way he has to try. And if he doesn't want to try then he can just give up now and we'll give being friends a go. I think he understands that.
I enjoy being in this bed by myself.
