4:07 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 21, 2011
Help
I feel numb Like I'm trapped in a bell jar Much like Sylvia felt Before she put her head in the oven A few bottles of pills Crawled up under a house to die Doesn't sound that far off When it takes so much to live To be present in the moment And open to the world When my heart feels so closed So distant the emotions exchanged How much more do I give? They say I have so far to go Without knowing I've already crawled All the way here And how is it fair To say I love you When in the back of my head I can't promise I will be here To love you as long as you need Or as long as we have dreamed The guilt of leaving overwhelming The burden of going back great The knowing it will never be like it was Too unbearable for me to contain I become a zombie Laying low, attempting to drift through With someone around every corner Trying to steer the wheel Without truly knowing how I feel Mask the anger, resentment of another life With a soothing moment of apathy A line up my nose and I am infinite For five minutes And manageable for the rest I haven't given you my best I know But I'm not sure I have any left All this time and nothing to show for No life I have built for myself Expecting something to come along and change it for the better Fix it up nice for me As I sit back and watch it pass Seven days cycle through again And I'm more alone than ever Pathetic to take laughter to treat the symptoms While ignoring the greater issue Of me giving up entirely I can't ask anyone to change And I can't alter myself So what do we do at a crossroads When you don't know And I don't care I'm not ready to be honest with myself To face everything I fear with an open mind And open arms To draw a line in the sand And be available for the present Just one more night Just one more time Just one more chance To feel alive Before I have to live a life Which has no feeling at all I am numb Trapped in a bell jar Exactly like Sylvia felt Before she put her head in the oven The only difference remains That I may not be as brave To pull the trigger Where is the edge located Just how far can I go Before the world dismisses me Turns its back and runs Stares at me knowingly So aware of all my faults Judging me for my honest self And seeing none of the lies I play out So hard to accept that I am exactly What they knew in their hearts to be Born and bred for a life of nothing Despite my once feverish ambition All of that is gone now The cans turn to can-nots. It's been so long since I've acknowledged it But it has never gone away It lies in the shadows deep inside Waiting for a peek of the truth And out it slides to envelope me Terrorize me and take me A panic overwhelms me And I can hardly breathe So I fight for the few breaths I have When the whole point is to have no breaths at all You may be able to sympathize, yes Go ahead and try But nothing you can say to me Face to face At this moment Can convince me that there is a future for me Unless you can prove There's more than this Than I am perfectly apt To pretend it doesn't matter Whether I live or die To blame everyone but myself For what I have become I don't count my choices Or free-will as options Only see what you handed me The moment I pulled back Stepped away Turned my head And ran like hell Because I thought it'd be better Somewhere far away Without knowing that my mind follows me Wherever I go It was always there under my skin The need and want and yearning To feel infinite To feel alive Just now I find it In short little bursts In moments I pretend are passionate And talk of dreams that I desire I'm sorry That I'm scared and unable to be honest with myself About the truth that I am Exactly what I was made to be With my head in the oven And my heart in a bell jar Wandering the streets with Sylvia Right over my shoulder
9:19 a.m. - Thursday, May. 05, 2011
Uh huh
Oh yeah
10:47 p.m. - Sunday, Apr. 17, 2011
Paws
Of all the promises I could make Which one would be the first you'd take What would mean the most to you Said in just the way you want me to Could I begin my iteration Reexamining your expectations Until I find the smallest trace Something missing that I can replace Or should I easily confess That behind this confusing mess Is a woman so taken back By the way you guide me to the track One year later and I grab hold To your hand and your soul I hold on for the ride Knowing you feel quite the same inside Tangled your arms and legs with mine Where I end and you begin I can't find At this moment nothing else has meaning Not sure what did it but you got me believing My arms around your neck, fingers in your hair I pull you down to give the kiss I have to share With you deep inside of me There's nothing else I want or need Making love to you is so simple I know every scar and every dimple Yet every time I'm reminded of The reasons why I continue to fall in love Sweet kisses to my hands and up my shoulder Pull the blanket up and over Thrusting yourself inside of me Knowing there's no better place to be Whispering something dirty in my ear A short secret for only me to hear Leads to a moan so intense with flavor That I'm worried we've woke the neighbors Tell me again that you love me So I can be grounded in my ecstasy My heart may explode so violently Only to leave behind a memory After we have said our good-byes I lay down and close my eyes Thinking only of your fingers down below Sliding along the places only you know I have to catch my breath to remind I'm alone and this is only in my mind Suddenly I need my fix and reach to phone So I can have you once again all alone How lucky can a woman be To have everything she wants and exactly what she needs All wrapped in one perfect body of a man That gives and gives everything he can It's hard to fathom a whole year has gone Difficult to think this is the ground we'd land upon Moving forward as only friends Taking our time to build a story with no end I couldn't be more excited to dream Of a future of possibilities Slowly taking steps in my thoughts Acting out the motions and results But not to get ahead of myself I pause Remembering to enjoy every moment under your paws And you in mine, a beautiful victory I want to always love you, a forever love for you and me.
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