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4:07 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 21, 2011
Help
I feel numb
Like I'm trapped in a bell jar
Much like Sylvia felt
Before she put her head in the oven
A few bottles of pills
Crawled up under a house to die
Doesn't sound that far off
When it takes so much to live
To be present in the moment
And open to the world
When my heart feels so closed
So distant the emotions exchanged
How much more do I give?

They say I have so far to go
Without knowing I've already crawled
All the way here
And how is it fair
To say I love you
When in the back of my head
I can't promise I will be here
To love you as long as you need
Or as long as we have dreamed

The guilt of leaving overwhelming
The burden of going back great
The knowing it will never be like it was
Too unbearable for me to contain

I become a zombie
Laying low, attempting to drift through
With someone around every corner
Trying to steer the wheel
Without truly knowing how I feel

Mask the anger, resentment of another life
With a soothing moment of apathy
A line up my nose and I am infinite
For five minutes
And manageable for the rest
I haven't given you my best
I know
But I'm not sure I have any left

All this time and nothing to show for
No life I have built for myself
Expecting something to come along and change it for the better
Fix it up nice for me
As I sit back and watch it pass
Seven days cycle through again
And I'm more alone than ever

Pathetic to take laughter to treat the symptoms
While ignoring the greater issue
Of me giving up entirely
I can't ask anyone to change
And I can't alter myself
So what do we do at a crossroads
When you don't know
And I don't care

I'm not ready to be honest with myself
To face everything I fear with an open mind
And open arms
To draw a line in the sand
And be available for the present
Just one more night
Just one more time
Just one more chance
To feel alive
Before I have to live a life
Which has no feeling at all

I am numb
Trapped in a bell jar
Exactly like Sylvia felt
Before she put her head in the oven
The only difference remains
That I may not be as brave
To pull the trigger

Where is the edge located
Just how far can I go
Before the world dismisses me
Turns its back and runs
Stares at me knowingly
So aware of all my faults
Judging me for my honest self
And seeing none of the lies I play out

So hard to accept that I am exactly
What they knew in their hearts to be
Born and bred for a life of nothing
Despite my once feverish ambition
All of that is gone now
The cans turn to can-nots.

It's been so long since I've acknowledged it
But it has never gone away
It lies in the shadows deep inside
Waiting for a peek of the truth
And out it slides to envelope me
Terrorize me and take me
A panic overwhelms me
And I can hardly breathe
So I fight for the few breaths I have
When the whole point is to have no breaths at all

You may be able to sympathize, yes
Go ahead and try
But nothing you can say to me
Face to face
At this moment
Can convince me that there is a future for me
Unless you can prove
There's more than this
Than I am perfectly apt
To pretend it doesn't matter
Whether I live or die
To blame everyone but myself
For what I have become
I don't count my choices
Or free-will as options
Only see what you handed me
The moment I pulled back
Stepped away
Turned my head
And ran like hell
Because I thought it'd be better
Somewhere far away
Without knowing that my mind follows me
Wherever I go
It was always there under my skin
The need and want and yearning
To feel infinite
To feel alive
Just now I find it
In short little bursts
In moments I pretend are passionate
And talk of dreams that I desire

I'm sorry
That I'm scared
and unable to be honest with myself
About the truth that I am
Exactly what I was made to be
With my head in the oven
And my heart in a bell jar
Wandering the streets with Sylvia
Right over my shoulder

9:19 a.m. - Thursday, May. 05, 2011
Uh huh
Oh yeah

10:47 p.m. - Sunday, Apr. 17, 2011
Paws
Of all the promises I could make
Which one would be the first you'd take
What would mean the most to you
Said in just the way you want me to

Could I begin my iteration
Reexamining your expectations
Until I find the smallest trace
Something missing that I can replace

Or should I easily confess
That behind this confusing mess
Is a woman so taken back
By the way you guide me to the track

One year later and I grab hold
To your hand and your soul
I hold on for the ride
Knowing you feel quite the same inside

Tangled your arms and legs with mine
Where I end and you begin I can't find
At this moment nothing else has meaning
Not sure what did it but you got me believing

My arms around your neck, fingers in your hair
I pull you down to give the kiss I have to share
With you deep inside of me
There's nothing else I want or need

Making love to you is so simple
I know every scar and every dimple
Yet every time I'm reminded of
The reasons why I continue to fall in love

Sweet kisses to my hands and up my shoulder
Pull the blanket up and over
Thrusting yourself inside of me
Knowing there's no better place to be

Whispering something dirty in my ear
A short secret for only me to hear
Leads to a moan so intense with flavor
That I'm worried we've woke the neighbors

Tell me again that you love me
So I can be grounded in my ecstasy
My heart may explode so violently
Only to leave behind a memory

After we have said our good-byes
I lay down and close my eyes
Thinking only of your fingers down below
Sliding along the places only you know

I have to catch my breath to remind
I'm alone and this is only in my mind
Suddenly I need my fix and reach to phone
So I can have you once again all alone

How lucky can a woman be
To have everything she wants and exactly what she needs
All wrapped in one perfect body of a man
That gives and gives everything he can

It's hard to fathom a whole year has gone
Difficult to think this is the ground we'd land upon
Moving forward as only friends
Taking our time to build a story with no end

I couldn't be more excited to dream
Of a future of possibilities
Slowly taking steps in my thoughts
Acting out the motions and results

But not to get ahead of myself I pause
Remembering to enjoy every moment under your paws
And you in mine, a beautiful victory
I want to always love you, a forever love for you and me.


 

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