10:50 am - Monday, Mar. 27, 2006
This world was not meant for such as I.
When someone you care about deeply, someone you're proud of in so many ways - for all they've done, all they do, all they stand for - and someone you respect and admire for all the right reasons, someone who's been a very valued friend judges you in the harshest light possible on "knowledge" that's completely incorrect and deems you a selfish whore, then tells you they did it on purpose... well, it really messes a person up.
I've been really messed up since October. I had been slipping towards being messed up prior to that, but had been managing to hold on. I couldn't after that. It was like... reaching out when you're drowning and someone handing you a couple of cinder blocks then pushing your head under the water. It destroyed me in ways I can't even begin to describe.
I'm still messed up. That conversation altered my reality in some rather drastic ways, and no good has come of it. Things have gotten rather bad, in fact. Bad in some rather irrepairable ways, too.
I haven't been online for more than a month. The second to the last time I was online, the person that messed me up so royally IMed me and spoke of wanting to restart their relationship with me, spoke of doing what was right, spoke of wanting my trust and friendship again, spoke of wanting to be someone I could trust and call friend again. I was wary and cautious. I was still hurt, but I gave the new email address I could be reached at anyway. I've never been one to turn my back on those that I've cared about when they come to me, no matter how deeply they've cut me. It's not in my nature, even at my most mistrusting moments. It's one of my biggest flaws.
Since that time, I've not heard a word from said person. Not one single email or note or... anything. At this point, I can only speculate the apology and proclamations were made without conviction and only made for their sake, doing "what's right" in word alone. Or maybe they were just bored and slumming. Why else would they lower their standards to speak to someone like me?
Having given up very nearly every remaining shred of self in the last six months, I've had a lot of time to think. And remember. I'm only human, and, as it's been pointed out more than once in the last year, I have my faults. Besides all of the faults people have been telling me about (apparently I'm a truly hideous person with no redeeming qualities whatsoever), I'm learning that caring and trusting are some of my biggest faults. And being human with all these faults, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I try not to regret too many of them because the mistakes serve a purpose, and if not for them, a lot of good would never have come about. But I do have my regrets. I regret that I'm not a good person. I regret that I'm not who or what my husband wants to spend any time at all with, no matter how hard I try to be, no matter how much I offer, no matter how much I compromise or give up. I regret not being a good mother, no matter how hard I try. And I'm starting to regret trusting the people I have trusted in the past. I don't want to do that again. It's not worth the pain, it's not worth... The temporary friendship and warmth I might possibly find aren't worth the pain of such bitter betrayal and condemnation when it comes. I don't want to be hurt like that again.
This world, I think, is not, nor ever was, meant for such as I.
take a look at my body
look at my hands
there's so much here
that I don't understand
your face saving promises
whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
as if I'm becoming untouchable
well contempt loves the silence
it thrives in the dark
with fine winding tendrils
that strangle the heart
they say that promises
sweeten the blow
but I don't need them
no, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
as if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
I'm the frost killing hour
the sweet turning sour
and untouchable
~Natalie Merchant (My Skin)
