Let's Update...Shall We? (12 May 2007 - 8:16 p.m.)

Hello.

My name is Vbitch. Diaryland was my home during it's earlier years. 2002-2004 was a safe place for me. Since then I've been posting on and off under a new Blogger site...to tell you the truth, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.(I'm sure all you fans have just got a boner from that reference.)

When was young I remember my father telling me that the years go by faster and faster as you age. I never believed him until that terrible, pre-dawn morning he died. Now I know that he was right all along. He didn't even see his coming...

I started this blog way back when because I needed something more...I needed some nameless force telling
me what I was feeling was normal, that everything I has been feeling before was normal and that it would all be okay.

Since Diaryland I've actually regressed in most things. From the way I deal with people, to the tolerance I have for others. Everything that makes me a good person has all basically gone down the tubes.

Back in 2004 I asked myself...here in this very blog...if I had a conscience. After 3 years of searching I know the answer to that question.

No.

When I tell the story of my life it all seems so interesting and fun. In reality it has just been a pathetic attempt to impress, or to makes others happy. What does Mom want me to do? What did Dad want me to pursue? Who did they want me to be? On the outside I have been either extremely successful or just very lucky.

I may be Borderline, I may be Paranoid Schizophrenic, I may just be crazy. All that I know is that I've been making my life a living hell and blaming it on everyone else.

My Daddy is dead.

I have lost the one person who was on my side. I have been left to the wolves.

Attempts to let people into my sphere of vulnerably has failed horribly, all that I do is alienate the people I want to let in.

I have been living with someone for almost 3 years now and he is the best person I have ever met. He has made me a better women just through association...and I am killing him slowly with my poison. And all this time I thought I was a passionate person...not a poisonous one.

Go figure.

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