Here is a list of f4sakndauter's favourite diary entries by other members:

i must just be empty by the-thinline comment:   "writing makes no medicine. / no music, no joy. / i'll spread the morose and the confusion / but having been bled dry / i'll sleep soundly tonight. / even without you at my side." can i help everyone? by the-thinline comment:   "i don't like to snoop/i only like to know/and i do nothing without permission./so i ask and i question/with curiosity/until i <I>know</I> i'm being an annoyance./i try to step back, step on my toes/so i apologize for when i don't./realizing i'm being selfish when i'm trying not to be/is a huge stomach ache.//...//and if it's asking too too much of you/then you can tell me so but,/i'm hurting to know-/and mind you it's the only important fact and fear to me now-/are you really considering, truly weighing/that you'll return to her?/if you say you're not, and even if you say you are,/i swear to god,/<I>swear to god,</I>/i'll stop my nonsense/i'll stop this oddity/because it's what it means to me./that i'm not fighting for something i want so badly/[and i care for you so dearly]/only to not have had a chance to begin with./and not have been let know that./i know you don't have time/i know that you've got troubles and work/so i've been patient and hoping to see/some sort of sign/but since i've only been wondering still/my mind got the best of me today./<I>i'm so sorry.</I>//the reason i'm most frightened is that,/from my experience,/secretive things mean terrible things./but i'm being silly, and i see it myself, and i hope/you can understand/that this may not be true for you and/you're just naturally a closed mouth person.//oh i'm so curious to know all about you/i pray that i have the time to/learn what comes with patience./and i beg of you, beg with seriousness and not pulling for pity/that this [idiocy on my part] doesn't change how things are.//i'm not used to people not telling me things, but i'm willing to learn." harder by aquietboy comment:   "where the young people are going, / i find i cannot join them, / for there passion exceeds their intellect/ / their courage..their compassion. / and it takes all i have to bite my tongue, / cause i would like to ask them, // in who's interest do you do the things you do? // i still meet strangers glances, / with a distance in my eyes. / it's not that i don't trust them, / i just don't like to be surprised. / their doors are always opened, / but they can't here what you say. / their too busy with their own lives, / and they just get swept a way. / ........... it's not that i don't love you, / it's just that i don't know you. / there's a difference between understanding, / and simply grabbing hold to / a women's aching body, / or a man's worn out shoulders. / in the meantime, let's go inside, / before it get's any colder. // you were poised to break the silence, / you were hovering above my body, / and i said that i still miss you, / but i'll never say i'm sorry. / if you think that this is hard, / you should see how i once worried. // that would make you shake like nothing else." little wonder by thefictions comment:   "one day i threw myself out of a window on a whim & on my way down i thought that maybe my heart wasn't in it. but where else would my heart be?" young by aquietboy comment:   "i swear to god, ...... when you see me young, ...... then you see me as i would like to be seen. .../... stay for a drink. ...... stay if you think, ...... there's something to be said for what binds and what links. .../... lend me your ear. ...... and while you're still hear, ...... i'll bless you with confidence, teach you what to fear. .../... keep you apart, ...... when your find that you start, ...... to feel less alone, then you'll find your heart. vision by aquietboy comment:   "there are those among us who will betray all/ ...... that they once held to be their dreams. ...... watch us march to the edge/ ...... with a gun to our heads/ ...... watch us barter for our lost humanity/" Amantium: canto the second by erato comment:   "In Paris, after the skirmish, your husband named me the finest knight living and told me that my courage would be my undoing. I told him that to retreat would be shame no true knight could endure when in truth, retreat is a shame no true lover could endure." flee by aquietboy comment:   "i wore through the ropes/ ....... by the skin of my teeth/ ....... and then found you again/ ....... but it brought no relief. .../... strange to think that we once shared the same fortune/ ....... a thirst for the truth/and a race to the bottom. .../... consider it this way, and consider it done/ ...... how the instinct defeats you ....... and leaves you tired and numb." Hieros Gamos by erato comment:   "Bare your breasts and open your legs, says Mother, shower upon earth your comeliness and offer no restraint. Free his body and you will find, in time, that you have bound his mind." prevailing winds by lovewarp comment:   "the prevailing winds all pointed / to something called moving on / but all I could ever dream of / was you, since you've been gone // the prevailing winds all pointed / to being to young to know / but we were not too young to die / when we woke up dead // and sometimes I hear someone saying / it's all in my head" The Star Strangled Banner by hugbug6s comment:   There's fallen SOUL-DIErs / Every where we turn / Far more than the number / Of shooting stars / Anger twisting truths / Hate killing life / I wonder where the ashes / Of broken stars go / I can't see through / The masses pushing back at me / I can't wonder how / 'll make it through / Red / White / Blue / Blood / Race / Bruises / Fury has you by the throat / The nation's waves of pain / From sea to dying sea / What's so wrong / With getting along / Do you still sing the anthem / With pride in your heart / Or anger for the freedom / The choice / The oppurtunity / Are we being cheated / Or decieved / Do you think our fathers / Expected utopia / America / They knew we'd have to fight / I wanted so much to be proud / Of a land of love and peace / My homeland / You've never felt so far away / The flags have never looked / So sad and distorted / A Hanging Star Strangled Banner on seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful april morning by darkstarliar comment:   Be. Moved. do not listen to everything that is said by almost ghosts by thefictions comment:   making my way through the cluttered streets i happened upon an old & dilapidated cathedral. the sun was setting & casting an unflattering view of the boarded up doors and broken windows where a multitude of cobwebs were forming.// there was a certain earthly charm that eminated from this place, and as soon as i noticed a crack in the wooden armor i was making my way into the inner cathedral, penetrating the dark & dusty exterior, however haphazardly.// these types of things are rare for a person of my intestinal fortitude, i was thinking as i dusted cobwebs off of my shoulder & hair, crawling on my hands & knees to something i had no idea of.// i stood up, waiting for my eyes to get acclimated to the dark. slowly, ever so slowly i could make things out. // there were many pews on either side of me, all seemingly coated with a light film of dust and dirt. i touched the one nearest to me and left a dirty fingerprint that i hoped would stay until the end of time. // ever so lightly i felt as if i were being watched. i couldn't make out anything else other than the few errant stones on the floor (conceivably tossed by young boys in a game to see who could break the most windows), and roofbeams that seemed to barely be holding up the ceiling. // and then i saw it; a person kneeling at the front of the cathedral, at what apparently might have been a altar.// slowly, ever so slowly my curiousity tugged at me & suddenly i found myself inching closer as to get a better view of who else was in this abandoned church with me. // i can hear this person sobbing softly, reverberating off the floor and ceiling and filling this empty home of god. i don't know why i still sit here watching this spectacle of grief & repentance; something compelled me to stay.// my eyes almost fully formed to the darkness now i can make out a cross on the foremost wall. i can make out a dusty footprint among a few others, each winding and scatterbrained enough to lead one to believe that they all came from different people from different times. // the sobbing was lulling me into a strange sort of sleep. my body was fully awake and aware of it's settings; i could feel the unforgiving wooden bench on my back, the cool breeze moving through the broken windows, the faraway sounds of car horns and other noises that cities make. but oddly enough my brain felt turned off, stangely distant from the rest of my body, and i felt like i was floating. my body was floating, i was sure of it.// when i opened my eyes again the sobbing person was moving towards the exit. i could distinctly hear the shuffling feet making their way closer to me. for some reason an uncertain panic overtook me; my blood seemed to freeze for a half second, my heart not beating but merely trying to escape from my chest. // the person stopped and looked directly at me. it was too dark and they were too far away for me to make out any distinction of what they looked like, let alone if it was male or female.// my heart froze this time. i couldn't move, couldn't breath, couldn't think. this person seemed to be staring right through me, through muscle & blood, bone & sinew, boring a hole through my chest. // after a certain amount of time passed the person cleared their throat and brusquely said to me, <I>"you can't bring them back, you know. no matter what you do. when they're gone, they're gone. what you love you must love now, because life is anything but constant. all you can do now is move on and try to forget."</I>// i sat there, not understanding how to take all of that in. and so the person moved past me, shuffling feet echoing in the large cathedral, finally blocking out what little light came in through the crack in the boards as they climbed their way out.// making my way out i turned around & took one more glance at the cathedral, breathing in the musty air. taking a step forward i inadvertantly kicked a rock. // i picked it up and heaved it as hard as i could towards the altar and listened to the loud echo that sounded like a car crash.// outside the cool night air and an ambushing by the sky & stars left me a little breathless. i made my way home & wondered out loud to each passerby if i was losing my mind.// at home i took off all my clothes, exhausted, & stepped into the shower. steam poured over the shower curtain, fogging the mirror completely in a matter of a minute & a half. // i stepped in, getting burnt & being burned and it's what i wanted & what i needed and i lay down in the bathtub, water pelting me like small pins, scraping my skin and i cried softly to myself, my cries echoing.// i said quietly to myself, <I>"if you want me to i will. i will. i will. i will."</I>// i turned the water off, got out of the shower, dried off and slipped into bed.// i thought, the next time i find a stone i'm going to throw it fucking harder & fell asleep while whispering <I>"hallelujah"</I>.// a little. by aquietboy comment:   'you can fool yourself, but you can't fool me.' 'i don't want to fool you. what good would that do me?' 'it might get me into bed....' 'thats not the objective.' 'good, cause its not going to happen.' 'whatever happened to imagination?' '.....why do you do this to me?' ---------------------------------------- a little is a lot/when its more then what you came with/and he realized what he'd got/when he realized in the same breath/that her hair still smelled sweet/after it had rained that/october afternoon/when the pain hit. my mom cried as she hugged me goodbye by thefictions comment:   as i walked to the car i cried. turning the key in the ignition i cried. turn signal i cried. crossing the bridge i cried. past the graveyard i cried. i watched the streets pass. the familiar houses, my headlights cut through them with an uneasy luster. i watched as my childhood disappeared. i was reminded of zach braff's small speech from garden state" (in which i will heavily paraphrase): "<I>...when you lost that sense of home, when you realize your childhood home isn't your home anymore. sometimes i think family is just a group of people missing the same imaginary place.</I>" and so i drove [home]? and they drive to their new [home]? and somewhere we both lose something. and gain something. so safe travels mo & paw. something sentimental. the great went by thefictions comment:   he said, "<I>i can feel it. somewhere in me something is growing & dying. it's like being stillborn & careless.</I>" she stopped applying the mascara to her right eye and said, "<I>i think what you mean to say is you love me.</I>" they both watched her apply the mascara slowly and meticulously. question by aquietboy comment:   this automn breaks its promises. and i have made a few. and you have felt the consequence/of placing trust in fools. and i have lived with recklessness/and i cannot sleep sober. and someone called me late last night/and asked if they could come over. // i made them swear that their two hands/would not graze my flesh. and she said "i'll go you better then that/i give you my word at last.' and i said, 'teach me something sweet/some ancient melody.' and she just lauged and shook her head/as her eyes poured into me. // we spoke through the keyhole of my door/her ear pressed against the wood/and she begged me to open up myself/and i truly wish i could. // but you see my darling/precious child/these walls have their own ears/and the secrets that they know of me/will spill out soon i fear. and though your hair smells sweet like rain/and though your eyes are warm/my heart lies several miles east/and there is no room in my arms. // for bitter, sweet, for shiver's we/traded wounded skin/and winter's coming fast this year/and automn cannot win. and you are more pale then you once were, and your bodies lithe and thin/and i am bored with old affairs/and i am tired of sin. For You by darkomen comment:   Such sweet songs I sing, when I sing them for you / And such sweet words I say, when I say them for you / My stories are endless, when I tell them for you // But you never smile, you never laugh, you never question / You only wait for more // And so I sing and so I say and so I tell / For you now, for you tomorrow, and for you forever. A Woman's Question by daze-of-rain comment:   Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing / Ever made by the Hand above?/ A woman�s heart, and a woman�s life --/ And a woman�s wonderful love.//Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing/ As a child might ask for a toy?/ Demanding what others have died to win,/ With the reckless dash of a boy.//You require your **food shall be always hot,/ Your socks and your shirt be whole;/ I require your heart to be true as God�s stars/ And as pure as His heaven your soul.//You require a cook for your **food/ I require a far greater thing;/ A seamstress you�re wanting for socks and shirts --/ I look for a man and a king.//A king for the beautiful realm called Home,/ And a man that his Maker, God,/ Shall look upon as He did on the first/ And say : �It is very good.�//Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,/ I may launch my all on its tide?/ A loving woman finds heaven or hell/ On the day she is made a bride.//I require all things that are grand and true,/ All things that a man should be;/ If you give this all, I would stake my life/ To be all you demand of me.//If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook/ You can hire and little to pay;/ But a woman�s heart and a woman�s life/ Are not to be won that way.// - Lena Lathrop "** I replaced mutton with foodas to make it a bit more modern than it actually is. Just to allow myself not to get too caught up on that as I re-read it." trendy (unlike trigonometry) by lightfallsup comment:   it seems to me that most of us are only trading emotional losses with each other. kill this thing by the-thinline comment:   /we may die from medication but at least we killed the pain// with all I am by candora comment:   with these lips / I adorn your flesh / with ecstasy // with these hands / I caress your skin / infinitely // with these eyes / I watch over you / protectively // with this heart / I love all of you / eternally // with this tongue / I bathe your flesh / passionately // with this trust / I give you / all of me // with this love / I seduce your heart / as you please // with this song / I beg you / on my knees // let me always be the one you come to / when you feel the need / let me always be the one you run to / when you want the seed / let me always be the one you cling to / when you start to bleed / let me always be the one you sing to / when you come to feed // all my energy is yours / heart and soul and all for free / everything I am is yours / I am for you / and my only wish is you will be for me / be for me, my love, my life, eternally // with these lips / I promise my soul / to you eternally // with these hands / I give you control / for all I'll ever be // with these eyes / I will look for you / to see all you can see // with this heart / I love all of you / beyond eternity // with all I am / I love all of you / infinitely // all my energy is yours / heart and soul and all for free / everything I am is yours / I am for you / and my only wish is you will be for me / be for me, my love, my life, eternally // with these lips / I promise love / eternally // with these hands / I promise love / eternally // with these eyes / I promise love / eternally // with this heart / I promise love / eternally // with this mind / I promise love / eternally // with this soul / I promise love / eternally // with all I am / I promise love / eternally // with all I am / I love you / eternally// if you could feel what I feel by candora comment:   if I told you how much I want to be loved tonight / desire would consume all space and time / if I could express it in any way / would you listen to this rhyme? //if I showed you how much I want to be loved tonight / desire would form a black hole around me / and who would dare to come in to try to / satisfy one so hungry // and if you knew how much I want to love you tonight / desire would be all that was left to know / stars and planets put on a private show / with energy just gods know // if you could feel what I feel / you'd know everything / moves in it's own space / with a song to sing / and if you could hear it / in spite of what's said / you might understand love / is more than can fit in your head / you might understand love / is more than you can do in bed / you might understand love / is every mouth being fed / every drop of blood bled / every tear every shed / love is overcoming every fear ever dread / love is beyond every word ever said // but if you could feel what I feel tonight / you'd know love is the one thing that has never been dead / love is the infinite power beyond where light has led I just want to know by candora comment:   Some people make it easy to fall in love with them... they're just so damn beautiful. " by aquietboy comment:   "in the hour of the sacred/when your need is the deepest/and you sing with your eyes shut/and your heart just stops beating/for one minute your perfect/and i'm barely breathing. for one day we can hold it all in." // "in the land of the native/where the ships are all docked/and we speak in the tongue/of the same ones we once mocked/we can melt into nothing/we can still feel the shocks/trembling through veins filled with longing." often. by aquietboy comment:   "this needs no explanation/i just want your company/i want a mirror for my weakness/and a voice to sing with me/i want a measure of forgiveness/i want to marry you by the sea/and sail away into a dangerous sunset" freedom by erato comment:   He asks whether we were intimate. Yes. No. It's more complicated than that. "I used to live inside him," I tell him. He laughs and says, "you are fascinating, fascinating, so very abstract. Tell me about this 'living inside'?" // I can't; closing my eyes, the emptiness of the room transforms and transports so I am there, standing across Ross on Fort Street Mall, looking at you turn and walk away with the fire of Apollo's chariot on your feet. My veins, arteries, capillaries, every tributary of life in my body constricts for a moment--I haven't words. "To the writer, to have no words is to have no blood," I say. a temporary matter & this blessed house by thefictions comment:   i was writing a story about a seed when it happened. // the windows were a touch foggy from the muggy rain that hadn�t faded since the morning. from my vantage point, justin and candace were lowering themselves off of the curb across the street and stepping towards the coffehouse i currently was sitting in, at a determinedly uninspired part of my story. // it wasn�t that it was unusual to see them here - actually this was where we all met, years back, when we were tender young pups - but it seemed that candace was stumbling a little bit. i would have my suspicions of her being drunk if it were not for it being two o�clock in the afternoon. // as they noisily entered the coffee shop, i thankfully thought to myself that i was at a standstill in my writing for today. i guessed that my editor would not be pleased that my manuscript would not be done in time for a second deadline. oh well. children�s books just don�t write themselves. // finally catching a glimpse of me, justin waved and candace mouthed a greeting, her usually dark brown hair looking a tad bit sunbleached. now that i mention it, justin seemed a little bit tanner than usual. apparently their vacation treated them kindly. // �mssr. marner, candace and I have a small item of news to share with you.� a much larger than usual shit eating grin spread across his face, his bleached teeth practically gleaming. // �yeah, youu sure can press the stops!� candace slurred, almost getting her point across, and then bursting into laughter. // �you�ll have to excuse her, but my fiancee is a little bit overjoyed that i finally caved. she got drunk in front of my parents, celebrating.� it sounded just like candace. // i offered the usual congratulations that one breaks out at these points in their adult life, the kind were the person giving the congratulations is alone and not entirely enthused with the news. not to say that i wasn�t happy for them; it just made the world seem that much smaller and lonely for me - but i wasn�t about to break the mood with my self pity. // �yeah, this here woman will soon become mrs. justin bauer. i�m so excited that i can�t even express it.� they both sat there, grinning like idiots while they told me all the details, how he proposed (taking her to the site of their first date and dropping to one knee), the hopeful date (six months from now) and the proposed place (the hayden hotel, downtown). my loneliness started to fade away as a result of their enthusiasm. // after two cups of coffee and about thirty minutes candace started to sober up. �i want to tell you about the dream i had last night, marner�. they had been calling me by my last name even since we met. // �it started with all of us having a conversation here, in this coffeeshop when we first met. it was some ungodly hour, back when they used to be open twenty four hours. well we all were walking out and justin here made a step onto the street without looking and was hit by a car. i can even remember the sound it made.� // justin coughed onto the back of his hand and seemed a little embarrassed that she was prattling on like this, but i�ve always been generally interested in other people�s dreams. // �i don�t know if you remember that i told you that my grandparents had their own farm. well i remember one day my grandpa said he was gonna go prepare dinner, so i said i would help. he seemed a little hesitant, but finally he agreed.� her eyes became really distant, and almost unnoticeable tears were plotting to form in the corners of her eyes. // �well he grabbed one of the chickens out of the pen and twisted it�s neck until it broke. i screamed, and ran back to the house. and that�s what it sounded like when justin got hit. i ran to him, but i woke up before i could reach him.� // she shook her head gently and stared into her coffee cup. we all fell silent and took our turns staring at unmoving objects. // candace cleared her throat and she offered this as an ending, �i woke up screaming, hysterical really. i think it spooked justin enough that he decided to propose.� a jab from justin, straight to her ribs. �jeez honey, i was just kidding!� // �well, we better be taking off. we still have to call her parents, which i�m sure they�ll be thrilled to hear. their only daughter, marrying a simple office worker.� an old grudge at their daughters choice of a suitor came back to the surface. // a manly pat on the back and a firm hug later, i sat back down and tried to resume my writing. // i was writing a story about a seed when it happened. rhythm by aquietboy comment:   what it is to be alive/ ...... for a moment/for a time. ...... listen to the subtle rhymes ...... and rhthyms of your breath. grace by aquietboy comment:   "and when i slept beside you, i barely breathed at all. your hair splashed the pillow, and you turned to face the wall. and i lay there quietly / (you looked so small) / you looked like something worth saving." no such ambivalences exist in the dakotas by lightfallsup comment:   "Happily, your author is not under contract to any of these muses who supply the reputable writers, and thus he has access to a considerable variety of sentences to spread and stretch from margin to margin as he relates the stories of our Thumbelina, of the ranch a douche bag built and -- O my children, cock your ears to this! -- of the clockworks and its Chink. For example: This sentence is made of lead (and a sentence of lead gives a reader an entirely different sensation from one made of magnesium). This sentence is made of yak wool. This sentence is made of sunlight and plums. This sentence is made of ice. This sentence is made from the blood of the poet. This sentence was made in Japan. This sentence glows in the dark. This sentence born with a caul. This sentence has a crush on Norman Mailer. This sentence is a wino and doesn't care who knows it. Like many italic sentences, this one has Mafia connections. This sentence is a double Cancer with Pisces rising. This sentence lost its mind searching for the perfect paragraph. This sentence refuses to be diagramed. This sentence ran off with an adverb clause. This sentence is 100 percent organic; it will not retain a facsimile of freshness like those sentences of Homer, Shakespeare, Goethe et al., which are loaded with preservatives. This sentence leaks. This sentence doesn't look Jewish... This sentence has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal saviour. This sentence ounce spit in a book reviewer's eye. This sentence can do the funky chicken. This sentence has seen too much and forgotten too little. This sentence is called "Speedoo" but its real name is Mr. Earl. This sentence may be pregnant, it missed its period This sentence suffered a split infinitive -- and survived. If this sentence had been a snake you'd have bitten it. This sentence went to jail with Clifford Irving. This sentence went to Woodstock. And this little sentence went wee wee wee all the way home. This sentence is proud to be a part of the team here at Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. This sentence is rather confounded by the whole damn thing." - tom robbins faith by candora comment:   so maybe I am destined /to live this life alone /to never know the lover /I can call all my own //and maybe I am lonely /but no longer afraid /for I've got me and I know /that means I've got it made //keep faith in yourself my child /keep faith in your dreams /keep faith in yourself or you /will never know what faith means //and I reach for new music /for someone else's words /for a voice that might reach me /you might think it's absurd //but I feel I am destined /to sing myself to sleep /if no one understands me /I may take it too deep //and maybe I won't wake up /but I'll enjoy the night /for I've got me and I know /that means I am alright //keep faith in yourself my child /keep faith in your dreams /keep faith in yourself or you /will never know what faith means defining bliss (in your eyes) by candora comment:   "I was born the day / you walked into my life / every day before was a prelude / to you in my life // I walked through storms never feeling the rain / I loved and lost never feeling the pain / it was just a game I played with my own brain / you might say I was a little insane // I was cured the day / you took hold of my hand / before any words I say / I know you understand // I gazed at the world before but I must have been blind / for I didn't see a thing that I wanted to find / now all I see is you and everything else is far behind / until you came to me I must have been out of my mind // now I feel in touch with god / when your heart touches mine / the answers to the universe / are in your eyes // now I feel more than alive / when your body touches mine / the reason I am here / is in your eyes // and when you sit on my lap / feel my hands cup your breasts / gently rock to and fro / knowing what's coming next // feel my breath on your neck / and the touch of my lips / and you turn round to kiss / mouth to mouth, hips to hips // and I look deep into your eyes / and see you deep in mine / and I know perfection comes / in moments this divine // anyone who is not me may never know what they miss / defining bliss / making love / was never just as beautiful as this" a song of degrees by thefictions comment:   i am sitting in my room and i have just finished reading james frey�s memoir �a million little pieces�, and seconds ago i just read something that should have made me cry, something that should have made me weep and cry and gnash my teeth and ask why of god and wonder what all of this struggle is for and all i can manage is to tear up and sit here typing these harmless little words while the fan blows, my body feels too hot, the zit on my shoulder bleeds and i sit here and i want things, i want to write my novel, i want to write my screenplay, i want to write a cd, i want to sing well, i want to quit my job, i want to be bigger, stronger, i want everything and i want nothing and i want to feel things again beyond a simple, unexpressed anger and frustration, i want to fail and fall and not blame everyone else, i want to be honest to myself and others, i want to be in love because it is the only thing to live for and i want to scream that love from the rooftops from the mountains from the skies and i want to die in her arms and i want to kiss her and try to save her when i know we aren�t the answer to every problem and i want the things that no one can give me and i want reality and i want fights and quarrels and pms and insecurity and jealousy and attitude and angry looks and having to sleep on the couch and honeymoons and kisses on the forehead and children and a family and a house and a good job and being able to provide for them and all their dreams and being the best man i can be and loving everyone around me and becoming one of the few and stay together for as long as we�re alive and looking at her gravestone and her looking at mine and we cry bitter tears because we�re sad and because we don�t know anything better and she lays flowers down on the ground and i drop one knee and say a little prayer like i believe it and we take our grief and stuff it down and the only way the pain subsides, the only way to go on is to remember how it was before, the warm summer days, the cold winter nights and the warmth, oh god! the warmth and the sleep and oh god! the sleep that comes and i want great things for everyone and i wish no harm on anyone and i want to feel that god is listening and i haven�t felt that for sometime, i want the ugly things to stay here and remind me how beautiful the beautiful things are and i want to cry and i can�t I can�t I can�t and i am sitting here sitting here and words come out and they go places and i don�t care and i will see her tomorrow and i will feel calm when i look in her eyes and i will control the sadness and deep dark depression when she mentions her boyfriend and i will make jokes and make her laugh and want to make her laugh for all of time just so i can see her smile and see her and look into the cool water that is her eyes and she looks in mine and understands the sorrow though neither of us say anything, but it�s there and we divert the subject and make jokes and crack each other up and my heart says <B>�YOU FUCKING PUSSY, TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER�</B> but my heart is under lock and seal and there is dry concrete and i say �heart you have no place here� and i am afraid to take a step afraid to commit afraid to lose her even though i don�t have her and i don�t really know her but she�s not all of the answers and no one is and nothing is and i know but i want to scream and I want to scream and i get my coffee and sit down and no one is the wiser and i watch myself grow older. the days pass and i grow older. one day things will work out. there are things to believe in, and i�m happy now and i�m trying to stay that way and it�s hard and it takes work and i am trying for myself and i will wake up tomorrow and try again. the sun will come up like it never went down and we will wake, oh! we all will wake and we will fight and we will claw and bite and scratch and we will win and we will lose and all that matters is we try. so i sit and I sit and I sit and I sit and wait and i will look in her eyes and she will know she will know! and one day i will listen to my heart and one day win or lose at least i will have begun. i am trying and when it happens i will scream our love to the heavens to the heavens to everyone to the skies to the ground to the air to my heart and she will ask if i am ready and i am. yes i am ready. "My love was too much like perfection so I had to cut it out." by the29th comment:   Suddenly she's thinking of how much easier it was to leave the last time. She had thought it would near kill her to give up what she thought was so special, the connections that seemed sewn in so close. And now, considering it again, she wonders if it was easy because she'd gotten free of it or because she had other threads waiting to tie herself in someplace new. .......... And taking time off, thinking of leaving yet again, pours the guilt over her. She isn't so foolish to believe that she couldn't be forgotten after less that no time at all. But other people's disappearances for better reasons than her own make her feel that she is being selfish yet again. .............. She finds herself silent for fear of saying something foolish, or worse, saying something foolish repetitively. ............. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, knife in hand, blood pooling from sources unknown. Eyeing the camera and holding out the dripping blade with fingers slick with gore. Saying haltingly, "My love was too much like perfection so I had to cut it out." ............. I'm painfully tired of my white-middle-american angst and depression. {If I were another generation I'd hate me too 'cause I already do.} ......... I can't stand the thought of paying good money to say "I'm sad all the time with no good reason," because the truth is I know the reason. But it would be like saying I'm sad because the sky is blue - my options would be to repudiate the sky, deal with sadness for stupidity's sake, or cut the cord/jump the cliff/fall until I find out what/where/if there is a bottom. ............. all the while my fear is that I'm only creating all of this. I've painted the pool to look deeper and when someone tries to jump in they're gonna crack their skull. Maybe I'm in it for the drama though the show is playing to a limited, anonymous audience. Fuck it, I'm tired of wondering. ......... There should be a switch to turn it off. I know you think I can. I feel slowest among the remedials, still trying to get the hang of these human emotions, trying to learn to use them as response not respond to them. ........... But the constant stream of the same two themes are lines on a highway I can't seem to exit. ......... I can't tell you that I dreamed of kissing you. Some long, involved epic story that culminated in a surprising kiss on the steps of some museum. But when I woke up I realized that I had nothing to offer. And pretending you could ever love me only makes me see that more. .......... And I can't tell you that I thought of taking a week off and driving to meet you because even as the escape fantasy flooded my brain there was a tiny dry corner that knew this was the only way it could ever work. If you call this working. ......... 'The lovesick troubadour,' she writes, 'stumbles in his curled-toe shoes and drags his mandolin behind him. He pulls his coat tighter against the rain and curses the romanticized times that made him. Courtly love is just another disease of the middle ages.' ............. I want more. I want better. I want to be more, be better, finally break out of the tired outline I've drawn. ............. But for now I'll settle for dreams manufactured by hollywood and escape fantasies made only as real as 90 minutes can ever be. I surrender to what I am. I capitulate, cave in, concede, consign, cry uncle, entrust, fall, fold, forego, give in, knuckle under, let go, quit, relinquish, submit, succumb, yield. ............. This is all I'll ever be. Dreams of the Unforgiven by amorrequiem comment:   I watched the words cut right through her. I watched my words empty the blood from her face, the tears from her eyes. I told her that I wished I could take that pain away�that I would give anything if I could take that hurt away. I told her that I knew what it felt like to �screw things up� and I wouldn�t wish that kind of subsequent pain on anyone. I told her I was sorry............. But I can�t take it away�can I? And here�s the real pisser�...............All of this brings me to a rather unfortunate, disturbing and (somewhat) selfish realization. Perhaps I left every friend I had back then no choice but to do exactly what they did to protect themselves�their hearts. Maybe I made it impossible for them to do anything but walk away. Maybe after all this time, I am no different than they were� just as scared�just as flawed.............. Maybe I got what I deserved�after all. mercy killings, bon appetite... by ghostofgor comment:   (note to self, wear an apron) noah for the new millennium by lightfallsup comment:   It's all about bitter laughter 41 by aquietboy comment:   then, you stretched out your arms. you poisened the ritual. you came into your own. a new day's resolution by lightfallsup comment:   "outside, it is raining. you know the sound when you hear it. the sound of water pounding on pavement, into flower beds, across fields, onto passing cars. when it happens, you think: "oh, it's raining." you think of leaving work and having to trudge through the puddles on the sidewalk, in the parking lot. you think of having to run to your car and from your car, into your house. // when i hear it, i think "oh, it's raining." and i think about what needs to be covered as i leave so that it will not be damaged. i think about driving through rush hour traffic, city cars moving slower than photosynthesis, the perils of getting home. i do not think of how wonderful it feels to shake your head about when it's soaked through with rain. i do not think about how nice it feels to have the sky dropping bits of water onto me as i pass from one dreary working world into another homelife world. i think: "oh, it's raining." // but why do i do that? when did i lose my awe for this world? it isn't that the world isn't awe-inspiring anymore, it's just that i've stopped bothering to look. // so today, as i listen to the rain pounding down from the sky that looms above, i will not think "oh, it's raining." i will think "holy fuck! water is falling out of the sky!" and try to remember just how crazy it is that it's true." ring finger to high e by trystero comment:   inspiration is a tricky thing, slippery to the grasp, invisible to the too observant eye, and horribly frustrating when it does not go with one's schedule. and yet it's wonderful. it provides feelings that are beyond any language ever known. that feeling, the feeling of creating something new and putting it out into the world is why i still get up in the morning, why i still breathe. i wondered why for such a long time. are you broken? by trystero comment:   "i have found out love is a lie we tell to pass the time", said the boy, with an air of bitterness in his voice. "as we all do", said the caterpillar, "but sometimes lies are for our own good. you shake uncontrollably, cry violently and are always miserable because there is no one to console because you're too intellectual and poetic to believe in the most pure aspect of any life. you're afraid of it. you say you want it, but yet you're too foolish to not give up. it's out there somewhere, you have to believe." the careful caterpillar left, climbed back up onto his lofty position and sighed. he couldn't tell who was lying more. the heart. by toosilent comment:   im handing you something precious/wrapped up in smiles and tears/its laced with hope and daydreams/and speckled with a few fears//its a little bruised and battered/and not the prettiest thing/but at times its simply beautiful/and so many songs it sings oh, fag... by heartracer comment:   ..this is exactly how I feel about you.. cry child by spit-tears comment:   "Cry child. or don't." "love is suicide" by entity- comment:   Love is pain. Tears by conundrum2u comment:   sometimes people think their best work is the worst... I'll never quite understand why Dead Time. by darrylzer0 comment:   It is nice to see that someone still has an understanding that far surpasses most. spit&hearts by heartracer comment:   some people swap spit, we stole and swapped hearts first. sing me a sad, sad song -- please! by greentealeaf comment:   today my heart screamed, "I AM FULL OF LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHO IS YET TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS LOVE THAT I HAVE!" // i said absolutely nothing in reply. as usual the sky was sympathetic enough: it rained a little, then it grew very dark -- i thought i was falling into a manhole but it was just a little bump in the road. // i am vaguely glad that i got home safely. Rock Hard Heart by dropsofyouth comment:   yes...it would be so easy to end it all.... ... by aquietboy comment:   "you have a remarkable aura of danger ./if i could just bend you backwards./if i could just make you break./feel the wet of your mouth/try to help me escape. its a tragedy darling/that we met too late. to design a way out of this country./if i could just feel you shivering,/if i could just watch you wake./run my hand down your back,/make you hunger to ache/for a breath in the silence/but theres too much at stake./and i promised myself i would spare her." i hate that i`m nothing when he`s around by gilberto comment:   "i`m not going to ask the questions that you want me to because i know where they lead." ~BBQ~ by banefulvenus comment:   "With no one to catch these tears..Wishing you were by my side...to calm all of my secret fears....make a molehill of a mountain...hoping it doesn't show...so much rushing through my brain...Deep down wanting to just let go...." after all by aquietboy comment:   "I guess we did it all on our own" tequilla by gilberto comment:   man: "well first theres your inhibition cells. they go pretty quickly after a few shots. then come your reasoning cells, and co-ordination cells. next are your memory cells. the ones that hold all those thoughts of loved ones gone by. those are tough little suckers to kill. but there the ones i`m after." My Emptiness by ash-n-embers comment:   "There's an emptyness inside / A void I seek to fill / It's tearing at my soul within / It's tearing at me still // This hole won't go away / This void is lined with pain / Whore! The voices scream at me / Though there's only one with which I've lain // This emptyness has swallowed me / This emptyness has spread / I no longer see the point / My sould is withered, my sould is dead // No meaning left to life / I swerve left off the road / Too late for me to see the love / The love they never showed" does she really exist? by gilberto comment:   "And most of all he wondered what is love What the hell is love" I wonder the same question my friend.... My name is June by erato comment:   "My name is June. I live without pattern, without continuity. It is said that it's impossible to coordinate my periphery, though he knows where all the natural resources can be found. It is said that it is impossible to contain me, to control me, though he knows there are moments when he owns me entirely." //deep by heartracer comment:   I can feel the throb of my body in these words a cage it falls into by thefictions comment:   i wave to him across the room and he notices and walks over to my table and sits down swiftly in the seat, turns to me and brazenly whispers "let me tell you a little story." ...........as he leans in closer i can smell the whiskey on his breath. i can see the stubble that is entrenched in his face. the subtle lines that are beginning to form on his brow. ........... "like any other story, it starts and ends with a girl. if not, the story's not worth telling". at this he offered a sneering laugh. "you understand what i mean boy?". another unchallenged laugh. ........... "well it was the summer of 76, back home on break from school. i was walking home from a friend's house on the hottest day of the year when i saw her, your mother that is. she was going door to door with some other man, selling something. so i stood there for a second, not able to pull my eyes away from her and she turned around and my god it was as if the angels were playing their harps just for me and her and the sun only shone for both of us and she smiled at me, smiled bright and firm and beautiful and i ran the block or so back home and waited for them to make their way to my house." ........... he shifts his weight, scratches his chin and then rests his right hand underneath his chin and stares at the table, not looking up at me, not looking me in the eyes. ........... a silence forms around us, small and showing signs of wear at first, but after two minutes it's resilience shows it's face. i stare out of the glass windows and out onto the street at all of the people walking and running and talking and burying their problems in their pockets with their hands. it starts to rain and some run, others open umbrellas and a few walk on like nothing is happening. ........... he clears his throat. ........... "she didn't come that day. or the next day for that matter. or even the next week. i was beginning to lose hope, thought i'd lost her forever." he chuckles at the irony. ........... "so, about a week later there's a knock on the door and instantly i know it's her. i don't know how i knew but i just did. my dad, your grandpa opened the door and you know how he was." he keeps on cracking himself up. ........... i ask, "dad why are you telling me this?" ........... staring at the table he seems to address the saltshaker more than me. ........... "i just thought you might want to know." ........... when i don't say anything he goes on. ........... "so i ran out to the street and ran to my other friend's house and stayed there until they came by his house." ........... "there was a soft knock which anyone could easily identify as feminine, and i opened the door. there she was, standing there, smiling, all teeth and glittering eyes. i stood my ground and couldn't help but stare. gawking, really." ........... "and do you know what she said? do you know what your mother said?" ........... i didn't answer; just stared. a little boy was crying as his balloon began to float towards the heavens. his mother was half carrying, half dragging him across the street. ........... "she asked me why i never smiled back at her. goddamn, how can you not fall in love with a woman like that?" he slapped the table and smiled. ........... i kept on staring. the balloon, was caught underneath a fire escape in the apartment building across the street. ........... the silence came back with a vengeance. taking turns staring at the floor and table i glared at this man that i came from. i tore a hole through him with my eyes, right through his chest, through his ribcage, through his heart, his the muscle and sinew, bones and blood vessels, and tore an exit wound in his back behind his shoulder blade. ........... i stand up, drop a few bucks for a tip and stand, staring down at the top of his head. he still doesn't look up at me, his own flesh and blood and i know this is the last time i will ever see him so i want to say something important, something that will break the cracks, something that will stay in his brain and stick there, if not for me or my brother but for my mother. ........... he starts to cry. slow sobs at first then heaving shakes and tears that have people staring at him. ........... i say "well dad..." and he's convulsing and crying so i walk outside into the rain and walk like i don't care and light up a cigarette and i begin to cry for everything that we lost and soon the rain and tears mix into something new and salty and i can't tell which is which anymore. ........... he lost his love. i lost a father, a childhood. in the long run i guess i sort of came out on top, but it sure didn't feel like it. ........... i make my way home and take a drag and understand that now i have nothing that resembles a family. ........... taking my dripping clothes and soaking wet shoes off in the doorway i pray to god and hope he's listening. i don't know if it's better for him or for me. ........... i now understand that my relationship with my father has set a precedent for all of my failed relationships with everyone else in my life. i can't tell which is which anymore and i don't know if i want to. ........... i sit in the hallway of my apartment and cry over the death of a man that isn't dead. ........... it was a small gesture. part I by aquietboy comment:   �but she didn't understand/that there was no blood on these hands.� part 2 by aquietboy comment:   �i dare you to rend me to pieces the next time/you feel the will or you find the way.� A Song for a Girl.... by aquietboy comment:   "wasn't supposed to be this way babe and I know you've got to go." whatamidoingineedtostopthisnow by aquietboy comment:   "by the way.......your still my favourite. not to take this too far. but i couldn't breath for half a minute today and all i thought of was you." thank you by toosilent comment:   "i know i couldnt do it without being taught to love and thats why i say thank you..." Hun...you are a much better girl than I am too be able to say this...I admire you very much. i love, i hate. by gilberto comment:   "i hate that i can`t let myself fall."....that's cause falling. always. hurts. expecially. when. you already. have a bruise. but we were broken and didn`t know it. by gilberto comment:   ..but we do know. that's why. it's all so hard. can anyone else relate to this? by gilberto comment:   more. than you. might ever. know.. a fallen fling by coldemotion comment:   ...this is me....all over again.... baby step and progression of time. by gilberto comment:   It is as if you stole my feelings...and took them as your own...though I don't know why anyone would want to do that... i love death by autumnal comment:   I wish to find him I do That girl by dropsofyouth comment:   �Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived to love. Once upon a time, that girl [was] me.� Changing by agentfatman comment:   ...your way with words... sometimes... a master of mine... desperate hours (the darkness) by mostlydead comment:   desperate hours / the darkness / and dying flowers / despair, confess / deeper depression / buried in doubt / fear it is hopeless / and no way out // tell me I did not leave all the passion behind / show me that my fantasy is not all in my mind / help me see that I have not forgotten how to feel / move with me until my memory becomes real // I have not had a stroke / and this is no joke / I am not that old / yet so cold / so cold // I have not gone insane / and this isn't a game / I have been defiled / just a child / oh child // what happened to the nights we ran free and wild / so wild letting go of the fear that they piled / on top of the places you hid all your dreams / was that just a dream as it somehow seems // crossing over / out of the womb / out of the childhood / out of the tomb / no longer a teen / not quite on my own / but I should have known better / the garden has grown // so why am I so tired all the time / and where has the play gone from my rhyme / and what happened to the feeling of being alive / has it all just become one long struggle to survive // I try to laugh it off / the emptiness inside / the unforgotten pain / the unforgiven pride / I give it all away / do no one gets too close / for no one wants to see / the heart of a ghost // I feel swallowed / I feel hollow / I feel jived / all my life I have waited for this moment / independence has come / so when do I arrive? I saw love. by afmp comment:   ...can one ever really know what another sees? I know not a song by afmp comment:   like I said....so different...yet saying my words...a common ground perhaps. My soul by afmp comment:   And we are her faithful servents It�s raining by afmp comment:   every girl an ember..and every guy should have undying Soul of a blue rose by afmp comment:   funny how somethings stick with us....like mine did in your words. It�s raining again by afmp comment:   the sky cries for us I wish I could cry. by afmp comment:   a piece of his soul Short Fiction. Needed a break. by proofrok comment:   Laughter is always food for the the soul restless meanderings by greentealeaf comment:   "trying to remember his intonation of the words i love you." fragments are all that's left by trystero comment:   I can't even begin to say why this one hits down deep. otherwise. I might start crying again. gotta watch myself by unresolved comment:   i was driving down elgin yesterday and i saw you walking down the street when i was stopped at the light. my heart nearly stopped. your hair was all brown. you were skinny as all hell. i cemented my eyes forward so i wouldn't catch your eye. i held onto the streeing wheel with white knuckles. i don't know if you saw me. i don't care. Changing by afmp comment:   why. do you say. this. can. be of. no. other.

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