messages to a-z-a:
(click here to add new message):

from dangerspouse :
I once read an interview with a famous athlete. He was talking about...well, basically what YOU are talking about here. He wanted to follow his passion, his talent, his dream. But the odds of making it as an athlete aren't great, and the thought of an insecure future weighed heavily on him. He discussed it with his father, who told him "Leap, and the net will appear". He did, and it did. Remember, atrophy isn't permanent. You'll get it back soon enough. Good luck. I hope you do this.
from dangerspouse :
ALMOND FLOUR MUFFINS!! I think on that basis alone I'm adding you to my Buddy List. Oh, and thanks for adding me to yours. You rock. Longer than your hair :)
from gyka :
I just found your blog .. I've taken an 8 year break from here .. well, started as a break and turned into an abandoned blog! Anyways, found yours in the recently updated and just wanted to say hi!!
from dangerspouse :
You write as beautifully as anyone here. Don't tell yourself otherwise. Hope the neck feels better soon - that must suck. And all the best in 2016 :)
from whystinger :
Ah, the great purge! I am going through that now. Clearing out the clutter to make room for change in one's life. Bravo!
from mixedup :
It's been almost a year :( I miss you! I hope you're doing well. <3
from asrael :
omg where in the world have you gone off to?
from mixedup :
Oh! You have to email me your new address! I'll send you a house warming present! I used an exclamation point on every sentence in this note!
from fullygrown :
understandable, and fair play. hope it works out well for you xx
from fullygrown :
understandable, and fair play. hope it works out well for you xx
from mixedup :
Oh! I have a card for you, but I thought it would be weird to randomly send you a card. Too bad, you're getting a randomly sent card. :)
from fullygrown :
Just thought I'd leave a message saying that I was on cipralex,and in my experience (and a few other people's) the stuff doesn't work. That might be why you're feeling a bit shit. xx
from mixedup :
I demand pictures of the pink hair! Glad you're back. &hearts
from notme2000 :
Hey, if you still read my diary the username is "reader" and password is just "password".
from mixedup :
Missed you. Glad you're alive and I'm hoping all will be well with your leg. Positive thoughts are being sent your way. &hearts
from zuzus-petals :
Aza - the vein thing is scary - my thoughts are with you.. that so sucks. Please be well. - Zuzu
from sheslikefire :
Sorry... but I thought it might amuse. much love. xxx Tagged! This is what you are supposed to do. Cut and paste if you decide to participate in the tagging game. Each player of this game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog.
from mixedup :
I cry every fucking time that horse sinks in the swamp. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. And, I even know it's coming and I try to prepare myself, but I still cry. I love that movie.
from zuzus-petals :
Regarding the money thing... well... what's your superior alternative? (I can't remember who describes money as "dead labor" - activity that happened in the past, complete void and devoid of present function - it's the record of something that occurred before.) I don't agree that you are valued by the number in your bank account. I don't believe that at all. I believe you are valued by the content of your character and when we shut our own number-obsessed eyes and start looking inward to examine THAT bank maybe we don't like what we see and we prefer this other system of net worth? Personally, I think you're beautiful and talented and afraid to live in accord with your deepest truths (and I don't believe that a will to leave the planet is your deeper truth - I think that sometimes seems like a fine exit strategy when you're walking the dark night of the soul...) Well, okay... I know you didn't ask my opinion.. but there it is anyways. Much love to you, Zuzu.
from mixedup :
I'm so glad you're alive and ok. Missed you.
from mixedup :
Hope you're having a wonderful time and that everything is going great with you. Miss you!
from mixedup :
Hope you're ok. I'm worried.
from mixedup :
Hope you're ok and doing well. :)
from zuzus-petals :
Yeah.. I guess Boulder sounds kinda right too... but maybe even a little too small yet
from zuzus-petals :
I type my entries in word and cut and paste so that shit don't happen...
from mixedup :
I just read the comments below, and if you ever want to travel to Colorado, I'll show you all the beautiful views and secret places. Now I can't remember what I came here to say, but oh well. :)
from zuzus-petals :
That's interesting... when I wrote "more likely San Francisco" I wrote that because it's a very, very small "big city" - more like a collection of villages - it's like this little vacation village, but it's a major US City, but it's only like ten square miles and spitting distance from miles and miles of preserve... less than a day's driving distance to skiing (Tahoe) or spectacular natural wonders (Yosemite and Big Sur.) People in places like New York and LA complain that they could drive for days and not get out of the City, that's just not the case with San Francisco. I've always thought Vancouver was beautiful - but still something of a sprawl. I think you'd do so well in a City.. at least for a few years - I think you'd feed so nicely off the creative energy. Anyways.. I do hope you travel. I get a sense that you'd unfold. Hope this all doesn't sound too much in-your-business. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Aza - I don't know if it makes any sense, but/and I've been reading your blog for awhile and I get the distinct feeling that you're in the wrong place on the planet. The relatively desolate landscape outside the store (re: the pics you sent the other day) don't mirror the vibrancy and excited imaginaton I read in your words. It seems to me you "should" be in a place like New York City, or more likely San Francisco - maybe Vancouver... I dunno.. it just seems like your landscape doesn't fit you quite right.. have you ever considered moving, or is this just sound off the wall? - Zuzu
from mixedup :
Crying does help, and I know I don't really know you, but I'm here if you need someone to vent to. I hope you start feeling better soon.
from asrael :
Happy New Year!
from mixedup :
Happy New Year, hope it's wonderful!
from zuzus-petals :
Happy New Year! Many happy returns! - Zuzu
from mixedup :
Me again. I just wanted to wish you Happy Birthday on your official birthday and hope that it kicks ass! :)
from mixedup :
LOVE the hair as usual. I wish you lived closer, I need some company, too. I've felt very lonely lately. Anywho, you'll be getting something in the mail soon but I've never been good with getting packages mailed on time, so forgive the lateness. Happy Birthday! :) *hugs*
from zuzus-petals :
hey... where're the pictures of the new hair?
from asrael :
There's some kind of gay orgy bar in this city if it counts? They give you a condom, lube, and a towel when you walk in. Seems bizarre to me.
from mixedup :
New step families suck. Period. If/when my father marries his girlfriend, I will not become insta-sis with those girls. But, I'm a bitch like that.
from mixedup :
I'm not really much of one to give advice, so I won't even try. Just know I love you and I know you'll be ok. And, you don't ever have to have children, and NO ONE should ever make you feel bad for that decision. If you need me, or anything, just let me know. *hugs*
from zuzus-petals :
Aza - I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're feeling so shitty. For myself, when I have a big fabulous salad, it's like I'm taking drugs - I feel high almost, it elevates my mood and puts things a little more right with the world. I think it's the rush of a gazillion vitamins tickling my cells, my body.... Anyway, I hope you don't die. I hope you make other choices. I hope you consider going to an NA meeting. When I was a girl, I felt a great deal - had a huge amount of compassion (empathy?) felt the pain of it. I calloused over time. At some point during the transition it felt "wrong" or "bad" - but really, growing is painful - that's why they call it "growing pains" - and I think now, in retrospect, it's part of developing wiser understandings about the nature of life and death. I won't be so bold as to say what those "wiser" understandings are. The most I can say is that we each find our own wisdom and cultivate it based on how and who we are through that growth - and there's not 'perfect' way to be and there is no failure, per se, there just is what is. While it's nearly true that you can do virtually anything, that there are reasons for hope (okay, give up on the whole astronaut fantasy... maybe) I think what you missed was that it is/was going to take more than snapping your fingers. You have culpability - it all comes down to you. You are smart and beautiful and insightful and talented and it comes down to you what you do about that. In terms of this whole issue of having children - I don't think that you're wrong in your thinking but/and I just encourage you to stay open to the possibility that you might continue to grow and change and see the world very differently over the course of your lovely long life - and maybe ten or fifteen years from now you'll see he glass half full and you might want to add something to it. Just stay open to the idea, the however remote possibility, that your thoughts about this might change. Don't change them now - being full of conviction is fine - just stay open to all of it. I am cheering for you. - Zuzu
from mixedup :
So, what day is your birthday..
from mixedup :
Me, too.
from mixedup :
I understand how you feel - more than you'll ever know. You're not alone feeling like this, and eventually we'll get better. If I find the answer, I'll be sure to share it with you. I think we should travel the globe together. As soon as I win the lottery, I'll send my private jet to pick you up.
from theicing :
awww i was missed? i feel warm and fuzzy now thanks luv
from mixedup :
That looks like a beautiful place to get married. I like the spikey/thorny pic best. Great fluke!
from zuzus-petals :
I grew up in a city, albeit a very "sub-urban" neighborhood in a city. When I was 17 I moved to a City - where I lived for about twenty years. I'm living in a small town (ALMOST rural) now (LOVING IT!) When I go into the City, any City, for work, I give filled with such a mournful sadness these days. I look at those pictures and it's interesting to hear you describe them as beautiful. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see it like that. It's all concrete and steel and glass where nature once was - and the nature is confined to the little holes in the cement where a little nature will be allowed to grow. And the people who own condos in those sky rises - they literally own a plot of sky - if their building were to burn to the ground they can say the own that little piece of airspace - not land, not a place where something could grow, but a spot in the air where birds are supposed to be allowed to fly through. It's all very heart breaking to me... -Zu
from robotheart :
i adore it. soooo pretty. and i like the light colors with the bits of blonde...sexy lady. and new hair always makes me wanna fuck. and consequently makes my man wanna...its the new look/ new lady mentality. bless their pointy little heads.
from sheslikefire :
You and your hair are so pretty. I'm jealous.
from zuzus-petals :
You are SUCH a hottie. I like the idea of black, but am lukewarm on pink streaks.. blue maybe, red, gold, white-white, but I'm not keen on pink, generally. - Zu
from mixedup :
LOVE the hair! If I was a lesbian I'd do you.
from asrael :
I would've went but it's only Axl, and have you seen him lately? He has dreads and he got fat. Sebastian Bach is opening for them until November. If he was there I'd have went.
from asrael :
G'N'R is coming here Dec 7 but the only person left is Axl. And Dizzy if you count him.
from asrael :
he says please do not vomit on his flamboyant shoes but i think he means thanks :D
from mixedup :
I want fake nipples.
from mixedup :
Crossing my fingers that you're barren. And I can't even IMAGINE going through a wedding with either of my parents; my sympathies.
from sheslikefire :
I blame the quality on the camera. It was one of those rare moments where my hands didn't act like a jelly fish. x
from mixedup :
Love the pictures! Though the last two made me sad, because I feel the same way, too.
from zuzus-petals :
I understand it. How they can make a vow and committment and then things change. I totally 'get' that. Unless you really talk through what that means to you and agree and figure it out, if one person is fighting to make it work and the other stop, or doesn't, or can't.. well... what do you do then? People used to have to marry for life mostly due to economic necessity, and it didn't matter if they changed dramatically, grew apart, etc. (I don't think people "fall" out of love, I think it starts as a gentle slipping and sliding and ends as a loud crashing bang... something that gathers momentum - and they both have to care enough to stop that from happening because the velocity can be staggering... - Zuzu
from inprivate :
Hey, it's absolutelife. This is my other diary (the one I use now) so I thought I'd just drop you a note and start reading you again! I'm really sorry about Winnie, I'm one of those people who seem to like animals better than people, so I feel your pain.
from sheslikefire :
That's so... not... I can't think of the words. However, I could only get about halfway through without bursting into tears. R.I.P winnie. xx
from mixedup :
:( That sucks, I'm sorry. I know she wasn't your dog, but it still hurts.
from mixedup :
Yay! Flowers and kittens and spiders. Oh my.
from zuzus-petals :
Way awesome cool! I wholly agree with your reflections about the reflections of the light on the needles... coolio! -Zu
from asrael :
It's not an OOPS dye job, you're really a FLAMES FAN! (death to camrose)
from sheslikefire :
It can be found... here! http://bakula.ytmnd.com/
from sheslikefire :
That's some amazing hair you've got there. And i'll have to back you up on the Scott Bakula thing. Best old man, ever. I have a song which goes "scott bakula-a-a... ne-ver played drac-u-laaaa". I thought you'd appreciate knowing it exsists.
from mixedup :
LOVE the hair! And it's ok to be a bit dorky sometimes. :)
from zuzus-petals :
Yup... wild turkeys! Totally awesome, eh?
from sheslikefire :
You know it makes sense. x
from zuzus-petals :
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything (cough, cough) but there is a fairly common depression that lingers for a week + after coming down off amphetamines. The longer one uses, the longer this depression lingers such that hard core addicts can sometimes dwell in that dark place for years in initial recovery. One of the reasons recitivism rates for that particular addiction is so high. And as for the work stuff - more power to you, sister.. solidarity. We can be demotivated, dismissed, uninspired (despired? dispired?) and surrounded by small-minded, petty, egocentric, assholes AND be underpaid ANYWHERE. If it's the way it's going to be, we may as well get paid more - because frankly, we can.. and it's not like one has to sell one's soul anymore than having to step into that acidic environment daily and have the good, bright, beautiful parts of us strangled. Okay... maybe I'm being a little dramatic... MAYBE.. but I'm all for a job search. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
OH man.. what a nasty, evil drug. If you could really just see it for what it is. When you think you're on top of the world, feeling like a million bucks, what you really are is an egomaniacal asshole - totally full of themselves, believing every action and reaction isn't what it is - eyerolling and toleration - but rather some form of adoration Trust me, it's not. And isn't the paranoia just lovely? It's ugly - it turns you into the worst of who you are, NOT the best - despite what you might "think" or "feel" in the moment. You are really way to beautiful and lovely and smart and engaging to ruin it with rank ugliness. I'm glad you're done with it. Evil, ugly, bad drug. I know of what I speak... (er... hmmm.. I guess I have an opinion about THAT one, eh?) - Zu
from razornotes00 :
Hooolie Dooolie! I came across your diary today and I freakin love it!! I haven't FINISHED reading it yet, but I will! Dude, I love it! ♥
from mixedup :
Yay! :)
from mixedup :
You ok? Hope you're having a wonderful weekend :)
from mixedup :
Yay! You're alive and well. I was getting worried.
from mixedup :
I'm sure Jewel is a lovely person with a lovely child, but do you really want to be around when she won't sleep and screams all night? Or not be able to do certain things in your own house because a child is around? Forgive me, I'm a little bitter about all my past roomates. Anyway, I think we're a bit alike, and we both prefer solitude and nice quiet alone time. :)
from dinosaurorgy :
You're welcome/thank you :D
from asrael :
I got my ribs cracked at the AFI concert on Friday. :D
from mixedup :
Kickass on the job front! You'll be rolling in cash soon :)
from dinosaurorgy :
My, what an interesting layout you have!
from mixedup :
Just got back, and notice you haven't updated lately. I hope you're ok.
from mixedup :
I wish you could come with me. You'd love the cheesy stops I have planned. I'll make sure to send you the tackiest postcards I can find. :)
from mixedup :
I love, love, love, love the photos! The sixth one gives me goosebumps. I LOVE it. :)
from darkenedhell :
i really don't understand why she did it but it says that there's more to come o__o;; i guess she's just another crazy old redneck that has nothing else better to do but gossip to everyone of another crazy redneck..sighses i can't wait to get out of ze country =.=;;
from theicing :
sorry about the emo sluts but they cant decorate my page no more,ive got them chained to my heater
from mixedup :
You're not a hippie, you shower. Right? :)
from stoner-girl :
give me your email address, mines origionalscrewy@hotmail.com - i'll set up a password and stuff
from sheslikefire :
You know what. I wish I knew you. <BR>Awesome.
from darkenedhell :
hahahaha!! i loves that shirt! its so damn true though o . o;; everytime i'd have to sit there and blow into the cartridges and by the time i get to play i was dizzy and had to lie down for ten minutes XP infact i still have my SNES and its still giving me the same effect >.< www.jinx.com is filled with nummy geekiness X3 laters!
from stoner-girl :
heya, ive got a new diary instead :) ive already added you recently to it lol im glad you like reading my stuff though, i never expect anyone to actually enjpy reading it
from mixedup :
Ok. I want photos of the venus flytrap. Please? I've never seen a real one, and every time I hear the name I think of Little Shop of Horrors. Yes, I'm a dork.
from asrael :
Is your notes page getting bombed by fricken n00bs? I can't keep up with the deleting that shit.
from city-trash :
Hey I'm new to diaryland, my names Monique. Ive just started reading your diary and i find it very interesting. Im going to add you as a fav, just tell me if u dont want to be one ok???
from mixedup :
Everytime you use the abbreviation FB I think of 'foreign body' because it's what I use that abbreviation for at the clinic. I suppose it's somewhat accurate in this situation as well...
from theicing :
its not an offer its a fucking order bitch now spread 'em!!!!
from sheslikefire :
When I was younger, and everyone else wanted to be a fireman or a mother, I wanted to be an egyptologist. I was an awesome kid. My friend went to egypt fairly recently too... She said it was 'coleslawesome'. The moral of this is... Egypt wins.
from theicing :
why.........wanna get cyber fisted?
from sheslikefire :
Awesome. I can do the tongue thing to. It's kinda like my party trick. My other party trick is getting drunk and falling over, which is nearly as impressive. x
from theicing :
right back at u babe :)
from mixedup :
The pig noise in the back of your throat - I do that, too. Except that's how I scratch the back of my throat, and it's really embarrasing if someone catches you. :|
from asrael :
Apparently the gig will be us Floyd jamming like that in front of a fuckload of stoners and Christians. Fun.
from asrael :
The band that actually has a gig setup plays Floyd type music. The guitarist starts normally, bass player joins then I start drumming and then the guitarist puts on his effects pedal and it gets all psychadelic and I usually start thinking about candy and staring out the window unaware of what I'm playing. I guess it's freestyle jamming, Floyd type of crap and the bass player sings words like beat poetry. I had a hard time not laughing but it was fun.
from asrael :
I was hotboxed enough and still didn't want to play it.
from stoner-girl :
hiya :D wow interesting dream! and oh yeah ive tagged you ;)
from asrael :
I'd rather play Everclear than Pink Floyd. Seriously, I don't like Floyd much at all, maybe I need to start getting high as fuck before practices with the rest of the band?
from asrael :
How am I doing, I don't know, crazy as usual. Got out of the job I hated so much and thinking of taking some time to be a rockstar before my next soul-crushing-post-college experience.
from asrael :
CHILDREN OF BODOM! You goin to any festivals this summer?
from mixedup :
Yay! She's flippin' adorable. I think they're all cute and would want them all (which of course is why I have 4 cats...) you can tell they're gonna love each other and cuddle lots. Damn it, now I want another kitten. I love the dandelion pics, and well, all of them really. Take more!
from zuzus-petals :
Tetris is beautiful!! Lovely pics, thanks for sharin them! - Zu
from mixedup :
I demand pictures of the new kitty.
from zuzus-petals :
Okay.. you just have to try Dryer's Popsicles. They're more expensive than the average brand.. but they're fabulous! Orange is tangerine, grape is made with REAL grapes. Sorry you're sick. I love the lights too.. I'm light-obsessed too... as you can, er.. tell?
from asrael :
birthday massacre was there a couple months ago. did you go see 'em?
from mixedup :
I got you a postcard from the exhibit today. (if you want it, it is rather gross. You'll love it!) Email me your address and I'll send it :)
from mixedup :
I'm not sure about Canada, but half of the things you stated, are in fact, illegal here. A quick anonymous call to the department of labor - or the canadian equivalent - would be fun and well deserved. How can they not pay you for time you're actually there - be it 20 minutes or one?! I'd be outraged. I AM outraged, and it's not even me!
from zuzus-petals :
I liked... your entry today! - Zu
from mixedup :
Yay! I hate tagging people cause I'm never sure if they want to do it or not, then I feel guilty, blah blah blah. I'm glad you did it! :)
from mixedup :
Ok. I've seen hundreds of them, but baby kitties always make me say, "awwwwwwwwww". Love the photos - take more! :)
from asrael :
http://www.pcplanets.com/video-42395-The-All-American-Rejects-Move-Along.shtml#
from asrael :
Everybody's hopeless, lost and fucked up. Or at least I am and I am everybody so nyah.
from zuzus-petals :
Maybe (just mayabe) that's not love you're feeling.
from mixedup :
"just change" God I fucking hate when people tell me that. I know it's like the blind leading the blind, but you'll be ok. We both will.
from zuzus-petals :
Very interesting. I think funerals/death beget all of our losses - recall past griefs that were grieved well and those that weren't. There's nothing "appropriate" or "inappropriate." The purpose of a funeral is a symbolic ritual intended for the living to use as a vehicle to work through grief and closure. It doesn't even matter if the grief and closure you're working through is for the person who died - it could be the grieving for a girl you once were. There is no right and wrong. Shed, cry, unblossom - it's what the moment is there for. Some people find the only permissions for this exist in these crafted events - others find them useful and pursue more solitary venues (a walk amongst trees or silent meditation.) Whatever you need - find it so you can feel it, grieve it and grow through it. Thoughts are with you. - Zuzu
from mixedup :
I'm like that with funerals, too. I'm not even slightly religious, nor have I been to a funeral of a close friend or family member, but I've cried at every one. I think it's just the realization that the people we love will eventually die, too. Or not - I'm just morbid I suppose.
from mixedup :
I hope you feel lots better when you wake up. :)
from asrael :
I love how when a girl tells a guy she's not interested he thinks she's she's playing hard to get and ends up being even more infatuated. F#cking creeps.
from sheslikefire :
I heart your hair... I was going to do that with a darker colour underneath. Alas, being at school prevents me. Again, pretty. x
from zuzus-petals :
it looks AMAZING, and I adore the spider. - Zu
from mixedup :
your hair is GORGEOUS!
from asrael :
"in the heart of Transylvania, in the vampire hall of fangya" I remember Duckula, he was a vegetarian!
from mixedup :
I love the pictures, your garden kicks ass. And, you have to LOVE catnip - it makes them so retarded.
from sheslikefire :
You have the most beautiful cat in the world. I love it so very much. x
from mixedup :
"whenever i build something up to be more than what it is, i suffer intense dissapointment. to avoid this hypothetical let down, i will often avoid confrontation until absolutely necessary, thereby increasing the anxiety surrounding the issue until it's been completely exaggerated inside my mind. often, to the point where facing my demons seems impossible. or, at the very least, extremely painful." That hit WAY too close to home. Just know you aren't alone.
from asrael :
I have no desire to set foot in my suite anymore. I want to spend all my time outside. I'm a reverse vampire and I crave the sun.
from mixedup :
You kick ass for being so healthy. You're my new role model.
from zuzus-petals :
WOW! That sounds awesome!!! YAY you! What a great experience! - Zuzu (I think I use too many of these: "!"!!!)
from mixedup :
You've made me crave watermelon damn you. I'm still totally proud of you for going 9 whole days. That's impressive.
from mixedup :
It sounds like you're kicking ass on this fast. I'm glad it'smaking you feel better!
from zuzus-petals :
How many days does the cleanse go on for? I think they would have put the picture in paper had it been a woman, but probably not a child. Death sells and it's all about selling papers and touting good circulation numbers for current and prospective advertisers. And the thing is is that it worked - I've never had cause to look at the Edmonton Sun - I didn't know it existed - and I spent a good half hour purusing it... all because of the photo.
from zuzus-petals :
i don't have the same sense of outrage about the image or the article... probably because in my neck of the world the press is even more egregious and I've become desensitized to the sturm and drum of it all. But putting that aside, I clicked on the link and read the article... how truly shocking, especially for a small town. I'm completely sucked in... how possibly could this have happened? Has there been any more info re: the identity of the victims? Were they local boys? How frequently do people even drive that stretch of road, I wonder...
from zuzus-petals :
Congrats on the on-going fast.. how long you continuing for? My friend, Cassie (I have a link to her blog from mine) is a healer and she does fasts and is currently on a hybrid raw food diet - That's my term, hybrid raw food... I think mostly she prefers to eat raw food but it's labor intensive so she adapts to fit her life/lifestyle... she's really great person to talk to about healthy food/living/being. give her a shout if you want! - Zu
from mixedup :
Ooooh. I hope it stays that way, I wanna see pictures. Have a good day at work!
from zuzus-petals :
Wow.. that's amaziing. How you describe your fast sounds a lot like it felt (and sometimes still feels) for me to quit smoking. I started craving nicotine/cigarettes intensely and everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, what I saw was people smoking and/or their lives revolving around smoking. I didn't really "see" the non-smokers. For the record, I don't own a television - to some degree because I think advertising is bad for us and I don't want to be assualted in my home with advertisements and commercialism (I think it breeds consumerism and addictions.) I LOVE food, don't get me wrong.. paticularly really "good" food (fast food does absolutely nothing for me.. at all.. in fact, it's negative happiness and it's not because I boycott fast food on some principal - it just doesn't taste good.. period.) But my life does not revolve around food. I eat two or three meals a day, and that's when the food is out. When it's not time for those meals, I don't have food in my face and I was taught, as a kid, not to 'snack' so there's wholly non-existent. ((Sometimes I see people working and they have chips or junk food by their side and they 'graze' constantly. I think it's just.. well.. wierd.)) There is so much 'stuff' around food politics - from whether or not what we eat is grown organically and locally to issues around body image, stuffing feelings, anorexia, etc. etc. unlike cigarettes, when people are using food in "addictive" or unhealthy ways, it's really not a great idea to "quit cold turkey" for the long-term. Food nurtures our lives - nothing gives me a better natural high than a big salad. When I'm depressed or stressed out, I know that one of the first things I can do to improve my emotional well-being is to pay better attention to my diet (I'll have a tendency to stop eating when I'm depressed) and I'll start feeling better. Establishing a healthy relationship with food is key. best of luck on this journey.
from mixedup :
Sounds like you're doing great on the fast! Unfortunately, I'm not going to start mine until next week. I have no willpower. I'm just going to do a broth and juice fast - no cayenne lemonade. It's amazing how good you feel when you fast. I love it. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.
from mixedup :
That cleanse sounds just like what I need. I think I'll do it with you. (Though slightly different.)
from zuzus-petals :
That's so funny... don't you think the tattoos are really part of the book's proverial cover? - Zu
from mixedup :
I know all too much how you feel. I have some xanax - want some? :) Also - the kid! You're nicer than I would've been.
from zuzus-petals :
Honey, I'm sorry you're having a fucked up time. Pleaes consider talking to your doctor about anti-anxiety drugs - or something.. anything. I hope you decide to live. - Zu
from mixedup :
Ahahaa. That's something I would do. Go scare the shit out of them.
from mixedup :
Holy shit, that scared me. How sad that she eats her creatures. I think that particular one is a girl - you should name her. Oh, and - WTF.
from mixedup :
Now I want fondue.
from zuzus-petals :
Firstly... can we say scary wierd!?! Secondly... I LOVE fondue!
from asrael :
I got it at Thrifty's. Last one! It was bleeping XS.
from sheslikefire :
Pretty hair! My hair is/has been very similar to that colour. It's hot. Some might even say trés bon. xx
from mixedup :
I LOVE your hair. And your shamrock. (Did that sound kind of dirty, or am I just a pervert?)
from darkenedhell :
your hair is so damn beautiful!! XD i love it!
from mixedup :
You look kinda evil. But, I like it! :)
from the-moo :
thank you so much for taking my survey and have a lovely week... it's monday morning I'm not awake yet.. imagine that I left a really witty warm lovely thank you!!! xxx
from mixedup :
Not selfish at all. I hope you get a good night's sleep.
from mixedup :
That completely explains the idiots and their pets at the vet clinic today; full moons and animals don't mix well. Do you at least have tomorrow (today) off?
from zuzus-petals :
He...or on second thought.. maybe it's all in my head.
from zuzus-petals :
Maybe with the different birth control you won't need the Celexa? I sometimes use Buspar - it makes me sleepy but I don't think it has to build up in my system so I can use it randomly when I 'need' it. While it's not listed as an antidepressant (it's for anxiety) I find it has a slight mood elevating quality that's "just enough" without a zombie effect. It might not be strong enough for "real" clinical depression (I'm not diagnosed with that.) I only mention it as an option to think about if the change in the birth control works but maybe "not enough." The thing with the Buspar that I find interesting is that it also makes me slightly more social - or rather, more comfortable in social settings. Likely it's also approved for social anxiety disorder, but I haven't read the lable.
from zuzus-petals :
I like that one too.. for me it's the red against the starkness.. and the sublte variations in the clouds too. You've posted a few pics of yourself - I'm having a hard time imagining you weighing 50 lbs more. Maybe because you're so beautiful (and no, I'm not hitting on you, that's just an "is") - Zu
from asrael :
I forgot to mention I'm not pregnant! Long story. :D
from zuzus-petals :
I find doctor visits incredibly more disturbing then say.. you know... life. I mean, I don't typically dread the rest of my life, knowing full well it's got a very defined beginning, middle and end. I live with a personal dread that the doctor just wants to fuck with the order of those things. - Zu
from mixedup :
I promise if I see a neon pink evil sign I will buy it for you as a housewarming gift. I hope you feel better soon; I hate anxiety and what it does. Hopefully the new pill will work its magic soon.
from darkenedhell :
aww! ^__^ thanks hee..its been a long time since i last got a note on here. sadly my gold membership is aboot to go away sometime soon this month, hopefully whenever i get a chance to renew it'll be back up and running fine, but for now its myspace XP ::hugs:: laters!
from mixedup :
Thanks for the kind words lately - they mean more than you know. Also, I have no idea how I'd deal with one of my parents getting married. You seem to be coping 10 times better than me. *Hugs*
from asrael :
"I told you the next time you get tonsilitis you'll need to have your tonsils removed." "Yeah, not gonna happen." :D
from zuzus-petals :
Glad you like the flowers - they were stunning in "real life" too! Cheers and have a great weekend. - Zu
from third-person :
I've had that internal debate over whether to take medicine as well. You're in my thoughts, a-z-a.
from asrael :
I'm the same way. If I'm sick enough to drag myself to the Dr I need medicine. However I never get antibiotics so I go to the local bar and buy a bunch instead...now that I think of it I don't have a use for the Dr anymore. Go Canada!
from zuzus-petals :
It seems to me that you should write a letter the HMO and/or the hospital administration and/or the head of the department of medicine you were seen in.. or something. Someone should catch some hell for the way you were treated... - Zu
from mixedup :
Eeep. If you were evil and lived in the US you could sue and never work again. I hope you're feeling better soon.
from zuzus-petals :
Sorry your valentines day sucks. Sounds like fuckboy doesn't bring much happiness/light/fun to your life. You can fuck anybody - and you can fuck someone who is kinder to you. Leave him entirely.. never speak with him again.. or.. you know... not. -Zu
from mixedup :
Happy Valentine's Day!
from asrael :
<33333
from mixedup :
Unfortunately, I know all to well how you're feeling. But, it's going to get better. It has to, right? You deserve to be happy. (And, thanks for the Jenga pictures - I'm in love!)
from zuzus-petals :
Thanks for your kind note. I love trolls! Please take more, more, more, more pictures of trolls! - Zuzu
from asrael :
I used a rockstar. How badass is that.
from mixedup :
Hope you're feeling better soon. And, I want pictures of Jenga...
from asrael :
neighbors* actually i went too far with the last guy and i'm kind of freaked out now....
from asrael :
i got hot neghbors too but i don't really hang out with them. they always ask to but i don't know. i guess i was a hermit. i've been spending too much time at the fucking bar and bringing guys home lately. now all i need is a girl friend (not girlfriend) to bitch to and i can start popping kids out.
from asrael :
do you use them as sex bracelets though? i didn't even know that's what they were when i used to wear them all over my arms.
from asrael :
I am so sick of this election shit. I want the liberals to go down.
from asrael :
"i'm standing completely still. life goes on, thundering past me at an alarming rate... and yet, i feel as if i'm a constant observer" Exactly what I feel. ♥
from flyakite :
Happy New Year!
from asrael :
so I was goin through my files and I found this: http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/vbed.jpg
from mixedup :
Hope you're doing great in the new apartment and enjoying the peace and quiet of living alone. I miss it.
from uridium15 :
i am officially a whore. and as such, it is my duty to inform you that i have relocated to this online residence: http://likeabirdonfire.pornoviolent.net. it feels like eating salmon, or something. :S
from asrael :
This month fucking sucks. How's the new apartment?
from flyakite :
Hope your birthday was a happy one.
from final137 :
Chaos is abstract..messy rooms are real things..hehe. Merry almost Christmas.
from mixedup :
Eeeep! I missed your birthday! I'm sorry! I hope you had a wonderful time.
from asrael :
Happy Birthday babe <3
from robotheart :
happy birthday deary.
from darkenedhell :
happy breaking from the womb day! XD
from flyakite :
Hope the move went ok and you are all settled by now.
from asrael :
because we're supposed to be the polite country, we'd never watch porn, the queen would faint!
from asrael :
http://www.alldumb.com/item/19045/
from mixedup :
Thanks for all the kind words. They've helped me smile and feel a little better. It's nice to know that someone understands.
from asrael :
i e-maileded. ♥
from flyakite :
Hope you feel better.
from asrael :
omg. I read that.
from flyakite :
I think maybe it's not the amount of sex you get, but the partner. Obviously he isn't the right one for you, if you're never really completely satisfied.
from asrael :
not saying this to be a bitch, but i think they changed the EPT so that you can find out within a few days of when your period would start, if you're pregnant. If that's possible for you. I haven't been reading enough to know about um, that. haha. If you join the babymakers I keel you.
from asrael :
:)))))))) ♥
from asrael :
mmmm i love the chinook. i could finally wear my leather again and have it swirl up around my fucking face and bat-attack me!
from asrael :
life is effing sucking major right about now.
from uridium15 :
laugh of the day (a christian review of saw ii): "...this was the most twisted, horrible movie!! I can say I liked the mystery aspect to it all, and it had great twists. But I sat there and was like would I watch this with Christ. There are not to many movies I see, that I can say Jesus would watch with me, but this movie was just gross. I knew it was going to be stupid and gory but watched it anyways. Stupidity of some of us!! Also the language was really heavy and just seemed to wear me out... Well I really can't say I recommend it to anyone at all! ...what made me feel dirty afterwards was that people would laugh in the film and then clapped at the end — just made me feel sick! I DON'T RECOMMEND IT AT ALL!!!" this review alone is grounds enough to watch the film and enjoy it just to spite christ. of course, knowing me i'll enjoy it anyway, because it's apparently tasteless and pointless - so i can relate. thanks for the insight... (=
from uridium15 :
this i can't resist... it sucked? i read "canada's #1 film" in the sun. but that's how it works, right? they come up with an interesting idea that gets people curious and then cop out. aussie's ain't no good at horror, it's a fact of life. them and those japanese. need to stick to comedy. what sucked about it, if you don't mind my asking?
from flyakite :
well.. at least one of us had a great nite.
from mixedup :
You realize that if you were american, it would be required that you sue...
from mixedup :
You HAVE to post pictures of your apartment. It sounds great.
from asrael :
are you staying fcking fogietown?
from mixedup :
YAY!
from darkenedhell :
i love the pics! your so pretty! XD
from asrael :
i want the arm done.
from mixedup :
HA! You had to put your favorites in alphabetical order, too. It's nice to know I'm not the only anal one. Sorry about the car, but brakes are a good thing. As for the other stuff, I can only say I relate...unfortunately.
from asrael :
But it's fixed! %hearts;
from asrael :
Sorry about your car babe, good luck :)
from asrael :
holy shit are you okay? Oy, want to hear a better story, this old lady where I'm from who didn't get her brakes fixed lost control of her car while she was going downhill and rear ended a haytruck, she died instantly. Only in this province.
from asrael :
oy. when do we get to hang out.
from robotheart :
i love your hair. you look so soft and pretty.
from asrael :
she's ok. :) ♥
from mixedup :
Oh! And, Happy Thanksgiving, you Canadian, you.
from mixedup :
Hope you're doing well. :)
from darkenedhell :
::gasp:: fucking awesome pics!!! i try so hard to get good enough pics of the sunrise here..but every morning its just so icky..so i mostly stick to sunsets, moonrises and moonsets :p laters!
from mixedup :
Good luck with the quinceanera. Or rather, good luck with the church thing. I'm the same way about them.
from missy-17 :
hey sometimes life is a living day in hell!!! (sorry if i affended you in any way shape or form) i liked your diary though it was pretty cool!!
from mixedup :
Awww. She was soooo cute. I'm sorry. Life does suck sometimes. :(
from darkenedhell :
oy! what a retarded bitch of a woman!!! i feel sorry for the kid, she probably has a complex and crap from that lady...>__>;;
from asrael :
After using a lighter to burn through the ties that were holding the gates together (they weren't letting any more people in), I was right in the front row for Twisted Sister.
from darkenedhell :
wow those are really beautiful pics!!
from asrael :
at least with more shifts you get more money right :) ♥
from asrael :
29th. A friday. I've no idea what day I'm going for the rides and stuff, but I only get sat and sun off anyway.
from asrael :
you've just got to scream (scream), and shout (shout), tear that sucka down. you just gotta say, HEY! ♥
from asrael :
i mean i'm not skipping work to see a band! i'm going to be sick but well enough to see Twisted Sister
from asrael :
let's go to klondike days. twisted sister is playing there for free and i'm going to skip work to see them.
from mixedup :
I think that medicated people are the norm, so if it works for you, stick with it. Screw 'normal' anyway. You seem to be happier, and that's all that matters. The zombie-ness wearing off yet?
from asrael :
how are you doing? ♥
from mixedup :
Sorry to hear about your Grandpa, he sounded like a great guy. My thoughts are with you.
from asrael :
I'm sorry for your loss babe. Stay strong. You've got one more angel watching over you now.
from mixedup :
Nothing wrong with sticking around for a little sex...
from blackcupcake :
Hi,love your taste in music,movies and I also love Christina Rossetti's poem "when Iam dead. I have it painted across my room.
from darkenedhell :
holy shit the baby is adorable!! man baby voodoo..sounds scary but yet satisfying..oh and by the way, the pretty purple and white flowers are spider mums, my mom used to have them grow around the old house. laters!
from darkenedhell :
hey cool. tell her i said congrats on the baby! --KiTTy
from darkenedhell :
hey, just a random person coming through. love your diary so i'll add ya. talk to ya laters! --KiTTy
from asrael :
I want a fucking chocolate milkshake. The Mc Donald's here doesn't have them. *pouts*
from mixedup :
Ok, I'm still worried.
from asrael :
I feel the same. I just want to fucking kill myself and not worry about debt, unemployment, uh-more debt, and this wonderful "future" i'm supposed to have. Fuck it all. I want out.
from mixedup :
I'm worried about you! I hope you're ok...
from mixedup :
I just yawned reading about you yawning. Now, I'm yawing typing it. And, it's NOON! No point really, I just thought it was funny.
from asrael :
had to change it *incase* someone wants to hire me. :D
from zemcomplex :
Uh-oh. You haven't written in 2 days and that usually means... oh no, say it isn't so....
from asrael :
I put valo talking in finnish on my answering machine. It's driving people mad.
from zemcomplex :
Sorry for the snappage. I realize you did very good yesterday and I should have applauded that instead of burbling about what might happen.
from zemcomplex :
Whether or not he calls, he doesn't care. Remember that.
from asrael :
I got an E-mail saying there was one Platinum package left ROWS 1 OR 2 for the Motley show in August. Four hundred U.S. Dollars. My god, it comes out right before Mother's Day and I don't have that kind of money. Sick.
from zemcomplex :
awesome.
from asrael :
shit SOAD was on SNL.
from asrael :
if it shows up at all, yeah.
from mixedup :
Not that it's any consolation, but I'm proud of you.
from third-person :
I'm still reading, and I still adore your entries. As soon as I finish with finals, I'll be updating a lot more.
from ghostofgor :
The world is full of selfish people. People who have tunnel vision and a mirror in their hands, so if they cant see it, it must not be important. Unfortunately there is no cure for stupidity, or assholes. We must simply deal with them the best we can without resorting to murder. Cuz thats when they pick on us. Best regards. Ghost
from zemcomplex :
I believe you can inch toward you goal with as little as 60. Hurry...
from zemcomplex :
Sorry. I meant to type "tape some confucious booty".
from zemcomplex :
Wow, the Big J's really pulling out the stops to keep you. "You could have left me... like everyone else..." AWWWWWWWW!
from uridium15 :
now that's as awesome as it comes. where did you get them? please don't say mexico, or else i'll never find myself in the possession of one. damn wal-mart should have a sombrero blowout or something...
from asrael :
don't remember if i gave this to you. this is how you hide your diary from google searches. put this line of code between your </head> and your <body> statement: <META NAME="ROBOTS" CONTENT="NOINDEX, NOFOLLOW">
from zemcomplex :
Want to bonk Jord on the head with a factual two-by-four? Tell him the Pope was a member of Hitler Youth for a while. And here's a link (one of many): http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2089-1572667,00.html
from uridium15 :
anytime, my good man. even though you're not a man. it's okay. i hope.
from zemcomplex :
So you had a nightmare where you keep returning to a place of danger and then escaping via a jump out the window and then returning and then escaping via a jump out a window and then returning and then escaping via a jump out a window? Yeh, that's a TOUGH one. I'll just be over here juggling if you have any questions...
from asrael :
I've gone crazy mad delirious. Come sing HIM songs with me.
from asrael :
♥ !
from asrael :
why are sixteen year old lesbians messaging me on msn all of a sudden?
from zemcomplex :
Ka-ching.
from zemcomplex :
I guess this means it's T minus 40 hours before Jord says he hates you again and you vow never to see him again! I can set a watch by you, my lovely....
from third-person :
Of course you can add me, and I'll do the same just as soon as I post my entry. Glad you think I'm a beautiful writer.
from third-person :
Been meaning to write and thank you for the comment you left in my notes. Much appreciated. Been scanning your journal, and I'll definitely return.
from asrael :
it wasn't that good. they didn't play Save Our Souls. they didn't play half the songs i fucking grew up to. Even Security, big guys with little cocks, fucking pushed me around all night for standing in the aisle and not at my seat. OOOOOH. They took away my camera too. Not that I didn't fucking crotch one. SUCK ME OFF MOTHERFUCKERS.
from zemcomplex :
Understandable, my dear friend. As David Bowie once mused, "There is no hell like an old hell...", meaning that unknown happiness sometimes pales against known misery. I remain an aza cheerleader.
from zemcomplex :
So... how many hours did it take from him hip-checking you until you in his bed again?
from asrael :
I haven't finished reading your latest couple of entries but holy crap. It's a good thing you're okay.
from asrael :
I wish I'd put the HARD RUBBER SPIKES on the boots. I really needed to kick more @ss than I did.
from asrael :
you did NOT see me there tonight...
from asrael :
Ready to rock VR. :)
from asrael :
http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/vbed.jpg
from asrael :
http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/villedick.jpg
from asrael :
I'm not bidding on it but, fuck it's cheaper than your $900 floor seats :)
from asrael :
holy shit babe check this out: http://cgi.ebay.ca/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=16122&item=6519286650&rd=1
from asrael :
I've never wanted to do the st. patty's day thing since I found out all they do is put green food coloring in the beer. I wonder wtf I thought was in it before that, diluted Lucky Charms?
from asrael :
I dreampt I was at the Crue concert and couldn't fucking see anything.
from asrael :
Hahaa I wrote mine before yours :p
from mixedup :
Today, I used the word asshat in conversation. And, I stopped and just thought, "Now where the hell did that come from?" And then I realized it was from you. Thanks. A bunch.
from asrael :
C?! What the hell kind of monster vibe do you have dude?
from asrael :
I have your tickets. =)
from zemcomplex :
Seems to me that Jord would know better than you that stress will inspire a seizure. He should have backed down and not reverted to a 2-year-old, if only for reasons of health. So, AZA, you can't be all THAT responsible, except for maybe not leaving an uncomfortable situation sooner. Just a thought.
from asrael :
We fucking rock babe. We'll get there somehow.
from asrael :
get this note in time *psychics* crue tickets (for 8.2) go on sale at 10 am friday the 4th. today.
from zemcomplex :
Got a prenup handy?
from asrael :
I always thought there was something really phallicly ironic about virgins in white wedding dresses.
from chickpea981 :
unfortunately, yes. $45 a pack. I don't have health insurance and I live near DC. That means I payout the ass for everything. If I lived in New York or LA it would be worse I'm sure. Yeah. Anyway, now it's cheaper.
from absolutelife :
WELL DONE LIL LADY! im proud to call you my daughter...i mean my buddy! seriously, good for you girl, i hope things start going better in that department, apart from the sex, looks like you have nooo trouble...
from asrael :
I tried to get you 4 tickets together right away but it put section 223 row 15 up and I thought fuck that, anything is better than the 200s.
from asrael :
there's also the ticket I didn't mean to purchase because the order fucked up: http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/fuckup.gif and one floor ticket if you want it.
from asrael :
info: http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/azatix1.gif info.
from asrael :
I've access to the Velvet Revolver internet presale, if you want me to get you tickets let me know by 10 AM Wednesday (feb. 16) morning. :)
from johnnyscaldo :
Ditto!
from asrael :
i ♥ you too =)
from asrael :
Happy ♥ Day
from mixedup :
Join the club.
from asrael :
Oh yeah, I can't give blood because I'm anemic.
from asrael :
Blood - The Americans Are Paid To Give It. Suckers.
from asrael :
I just made the i-love-fangs ring. I have no idea how it looks yet.
from asrael :
I had really bad fangs in high school that would stick out when I closed my mouth. I had major dental surgery to rearrange it, fuck do I regret it now.
from asrael :
Freaky. Hey I finally saw your picture. w00t.
from for-you-only :
Hiya! How ya doing?
from mixedup :
There's not really much I can say to make you feel better. But, just know I've been there. Loving someone, and not having that feeling returned...well, it's the worst thing in the world. But, you'll live through it. Trust me. Everything will eventually be better. You don't need someone that does that to your mind anyhow. You're better than that.
from markthehulk :
thanks for taking my little survey... your answers were highly good so you get bonus points. they don't count for much... but enjoy them nevertheless!
from asrael :
Last night i came up with the idea (or stole it from yours) to make Crüe Slut t-shirts for the crüe concert ♥
from johnnyscaldo :
Gentlemen schmentlemen. I only get attention when I'm a pig. It sucks, aza, and I hate it. Yea verily.
from asrael :
It's beautiful out today isn't it?
from asrael :
My brother was freaking out over his breakup thing so I stayed up singing to him. I did sleep for an hour though, I was too riled up Motley Crue to keep my eyes closed for longer.
from asrael :
I'm still up too. It's 3 am.
from asrael :
I'm sure we've all pondered Nebular rebirth :p
from for-you-only :
I read your survey answers for a survey, and you seem incredibly intelligent and on my same wave length. Let me introduce myself, I am Raederle, but I go by Pink. I think your cool, and I know virtually nothing about you. ~Pink
from asrael :
http://www.whispy.com/dream-interpretations.htm#anchor55578 Lucky you. I usually dream of vampires.
from asrael :
Did they at least buy you a shirt? All I wanted was a shirt, and to meet James. :(
from asrael :
I like stormchasing. ♠
from asrael :
You know what sucks cock. I just found out I had tickets to the show.
from asrael :
Oh yeah, and to totally make my day...this guy I've been talking to got tickets to the concert as birthday present, and after TWO SONGS by the first intro band he had his ribs cracked and was hauled to the Hospital. MISSING SLIPKNOT. If I was him I would've went back with a knife. Fuck that, if I was him I would have HAD a knife, who the hell wouldn't bring a knife to a Slipknot moshpit?
from asrael :
I'm happy to know another Knot fan missed the show. The tickets plain sold out and I wasn't in town when they went on sale...or I was busy with finals or something. I thought I would write Jim and get put on the guest list since I've been talking to him since high school. I knew where the after party was but fuck, I couldn't bring myself to go.
from asrael :
If you can't find a ticket, you can have my third one. Let me know, I'm only taking my mom. Section 102 Row 15, seat 21.
from asrael :
$88 bucks and shitty seats. I have an extra ticket (and the 3 tickets I got are seperate in seating), in Section 102, Row 15 I think. Probably a better view than the floor seats in Row 30. :(((((((( ♥ The Crue
from asrael :
Ohhhhh yeah, I got tickets to Motley Crue :D
from asrael :
We'll have to go as Himsluts to the concert (they'll come here sooner or later) and grab Valo's ass...
from johnnyscaldo :
1.5.2005. Well, that was insanely hot and well written. I am taking notes... :)
from johnnyscaldo :
If you ever want to compare shit-being-lobbed-your-way notes, do let me know. Might make for an amusing conversation or four. johnnyscaldo@hotmail.com. G'night.
from johnnyscaldo :
Hey AZA. Just had the opportunity to catch up on some of your entries and wanted to say hello. I loves notalptrixie, but I'm really edging away from the idea that things happen for a reason. I'd love to believe it, but I just don't see it. Ever. On that bright and sunny note :)... have a good one.
from absolutelife :
maybe the amount of how much the scars interfere with your life (even if it's just to do with clothing) will show you not to cut youself. I may not be one to talk, but from someone else's point of view, cutting yourself just seems damaging, like you're cutting into a part of yourself mentally too.
from notalptrixie :
It is definitely hard. But I really do know that this time my feelings were terribly hurt and this is the right thing to do. Suprisingly it has taken me as long as it has...but I give myself credit for doing it. It's been a long time coming. Don't worry...you'll just know when it's time. I think everything happens for a reason and happens at a specific time in life...and the time had come for my situation to end. sigh.
from absolutelife :
whoa, your dad lives in edmonton? (i read asrael's note) Maybe it's the same bastard (my dad and your dad, no offence). That is so weird, except it's probably two different edmonton's. Still. I would say more but I don't wanna insult your dad. Anyway, what I was gonna say is I think things do need to change between you and hubby, but I agree with what you said about finding out whether the problem is him or his epilepsy. It might be weird without him, but if you found someone else that you would actually be 'something' to, rather than the 'ex-girlfriend who is now a really good friend' it would be so healthy for you, you'd have a real relationship with someone who appreciated you. I hope things get better for you, maybe things will work out with him, but you can't look back on your early adulthood and just see the same 'fight-makeup-havesex' circle that you seem to have, you'd remember different guys, being in love, feeling special, having fun and not just doing the same things over and over for years and wondering how you tolerated it for so long.
from asrael :
from asrael :
Oh yeah and: http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/azabdaybelate.gif and http://asrael.diaryland.com/images/azarox.jpg
from asrael :
Happy FUCKING birthday Aza. I love you. I missed your birthday because I miss everyone's birthday, including my own. I'd send you hearts but the best I can do is three quarters of a cent...so here's that: ¢¾
from ghostofgor :
yes, there is something to be said about reciprocated oral sex. I perform oral on every girl Im with. For hours, no exxagreration. The last girl stated quite clearly " I think its wrong to put a dick in My mouth". No head for Me. Ive yet to get good head from anyone, but My tongue lashings are quite popular. Opposite ends of the spectrum, opposite people. Same problem. Sometimes life fucks you in the ass without asking first. But is it rape? Ni-ni.
from a-z-a :
...heheh...you have no idea how many times i've heard that...
from absolutelife :
I think that something needs to change between you and hubby (Jord), I mean it's not like I know anything about relationships that would help you but you can't just waste your life with someone where the relationship just goes in circles of fights and making up. Well done though, you're one of the only diaries that can actually keep me interested. About the studio, I'm getting a call this week and I'm just gonna go there, so we'll see. If I don't leave you a note very soon I probably got raped and murdered.
from asrael :
I like the last paragraph of the 'fuck me' entry. Completely true. We should put it in a personals ad and see what kind of creeps come out of the woodwork.
from chickpea981 :
thank you very much for your guestbook message. Glad you liked it. :)
from asrael :
Timmy Ho's? I bought a coffee from there a few days ago and maybe I was that delirius, but it tasted like silk. It was beautiful. And every coffee after that was pure shite. Maybe it's like a drug, the first one is the best but then you die trying to get that same first experience.
from asrael :
I'll write on the back of my jacket: free hot sex for Aza's dad! Then he'll be all, "Oh you know my daughter Aza." Then I'll kick his ass. But then I might have a lot of ass to kick knowing this fucked up city.
from asrael :
I live in edmonton, I can kick your dad's ass if you want.
from asrael :
Boring is right. I hang my illegally burned cd tracklisting doodles around the apartment. For awhile I'd burn entire metallica cd's and leave them around the city. Napster loves yoooooou.
from absolutelife :
Thanks, I read some of your diary too (what a fucked up world we live in), is the ex girlfriends name really Satan? Hilarious.
from mixedup :
Guys just like talking about other girls to get a reaction from us, to make us jealous. Stupid boys. Don't give him the pleasure.
from cdghost :
came a-cross your words and enjoyed them

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