messages to blueeyesblue:
(click here to add new message):

from polly-esther :
It was SO great to hear from you. I'm still reading! Here's my login if you want to catch up: user - callie; pw - cat. I'll check out your other one too. It's so funny, I got your note Friday night right before my night disappeared on me (rare night of vodka and benzos) and I was so happy to hear from you. Then the whole night got lost, and the next day I rediscovered your note, so it's like a gift that keeps on giving. :)
from nacwolin :
Long time no talk to...send me a note some time. Try nllamarre@facebook.com.
from vla :
I am worried about you. I know you said you can't do it because of your kids, but I am still worried. There seems to be too much desire there not to worry. You need to work on changing this for yourself and for your kids' sake. Like you said, they need you.
from nacwolin :
Popped in to see how you are doing - it's been quite a while since I read your posts! I don't blog much anymore (I write a lot at work, so I just don't feel like it when I get home), but you can find me at http://profile.typepad.com/nicolelamarre. Would love to hear from you.
from vla :
First of all, I'm so glad that baby is doing well! But I was thinking of this when I was reading your entry--I grew up with a mom with an eating disorder and it's one of the reasons I think I have an eating disorder. Maybe that could be motivation for doing better? M watches everything you do, and she will undoubtedly pick this stuff up from you. You don't want to pass that hell on to her. I have a lot of anger at my mom for not dealing with it, you know? And I worry about passing it on to my daughter, if I had one.
from nacwolin :
Congratulations!!!
from vla :
That was such an amazing story! I'm so glad Cash is OK. And I have to say, if *anyone* is going to deliver their own baby in a moving car, it is going to be you. :)
from vla :
She'd be completely fucked without you. She needs you.
from nacwolin :
Hadn't been here in a few months - I am sorry. If there is anything I can do, email me at nacwolin at gmail dot com. Or just email me anyway. I've missed you. ((((M))))
from vla :
Sorry, that last note was a little reactionary. But it's obviously not all your fault. Does he know what you've been through and why you have such an aversion to sex? I have a somewhat similar situation and talking about it with my bf helps. There are times when I just cannot be physical, and I know that's difficult for him. But I think it helps him to have a context for it, you know? That doesn't give your husband a pass to cheat, obviously. This is complicated though. Very, very difficult and I feel for you so much. I am struggling with the sexual intimacy stuff--only without the kids or marriage. If you're thinking about staying, go see a good therapist and tell him this stuff. Also, just cause I've read you for years and I don't think it can be said enough: you're an amazing mom. Happy Mother's Day.
from vla :
I'm so sorry. What a dick.
from nacwolin :
I do not regret one moment of being a stay at home mommy. Do I sometimes wish I had a degree? Sure. But those days of smelling sweet baby hair, of rocking them to sleep, of nursing them - of listening to their baby chatter...I am so glad it was me who experienced all those things and not a babysitter. They grow up so fast! Believe me, I know - K is almost 17!!! The path you've chosen, M? It's good - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - if it makes you happy, it's good.
from nacwolin :
I am not sure you read your notes anymore...haven't heard from you ages, and your old email doesn't work, of course. Anyway. Marriage. Some times we just have to make a decision to love, my friend. When the feelings aren't there, we just decide that we will, for better or for worse. After 20+ years, believe me, I've had days - weeks - months! - like that. It's been good, but it hasn't always been good, my friend. And that is where making a conscious decision despite what I felt had to be made. And somehow, someway, a happiness - a contentment - and yes, love - tiptoed in.
from toastcrumbs :
Hi, I haven't been to your diary in soooo very long. If you wouldn't mind giving me the password, I would love to read what has gone on in your life. You can e-mail to gorilladustdesigns@gmail.com (I used to be glitterkick on diaryland, but changed user names quite a while back). Take care.
from nacwolin :
Still reading, though I don't get here as much as I'd like. Would love to hear from you via email sometime...anyway, I like what you said back in early November: "Rebellion would be to be healthy and feel worthy at any weight." You are right, M. Love to you and that gorgeous girl!
from vla :
mar sounds like the sweetest little girl--very loving and very loved.
from maliger :
Hi, I guess I haven't visited your diary in over a year. How's it going? If you want you can let me in again, if I had the pw I don't know where it is in my emails. My new email addy is poetsespresso @ gmail.com
from nacwolin :
I am still reading - though I am playing catch up since our move. Send me a note at nacwolin@gmail.com. And do let me know if you start a new blog. I really like vox - you should check it out. (I am at http://nacwolin.vox.com)
from vla :
hey, I still read you! email me your new dl spot at vla_76@yahoo.com.
from polly-esther :
That sounds like it could be pretty cool. It would be a lot of hard work, but you're right, it could lead to bigger and better things...
from nacwolin :
I loved your post about Salma. Lovely. Sad, but so lovely. Do stay in touch with her - she sounds like balm to your soul. I too would love to hear from you, M. Email me, please. nacwolin at gmail dot com. I miss you too.
from nacwolin :
Just catching up on several of your last posts. The "mama"-"dada" thing made me laugh. K did that too, only the opposite. N did it just like Marley does. Too funny!
from nacwolin :
I am glad you are okay, and even though this awful thing happened, that it is helping you take your life back. You deserve to be happy and to have your baby back. I love you, my friend! Email me sometime: nacwolin at gmail dot com.
from polly-esther :
Oh M...something remarkably similar happened to me, yet I lack the courage to write about it. I feel like such a fraud...I should just do it. Fuck. I do love you lots.
from vla :
You are a ridiculously talented writer, M. I have thought all along while reading you that you should write a book! I think you are on the right track, thinking of something that can independently support you and your daughter. I know you have to work with your husband and his family right now, but I don't like the sound of it either... With how M is acting toward your MIL and everything... But it sounds like you're doing your best to keep it together until you can get out. I just want to say, you're amazing. Keep it up.
from vla :
it is good that you are going. you don't want to pass that hell onto her. that is something that scares me so much about having a daughter.
from nacwolin :
I am really glad to read that Lindy is helping you see things and figure things out. And for the record - seeing you with Mar that day told me that you ARE a good mom. Honest.
from nacwolin :
I am still reading, M. Send me a note: nacwolin at gmail dot com.
from vla :
I still read too.
from polly-esther :
I'm still reading...and I still love you...
from nacwolin :
I don't know if you are reading/able to read your notes, but I don't know how else to get in contact with you... Just wanted you to know that K was really underweight at 1 year. She weighed 17 lbs 4 oz and was 30 inches long. She's always been very low on the weight range chart - still is underweight. It doesn't mean something is wrong, especially since Mar is ahead in every other area (as was K). Email me at nacwolin@gmail.com so I have your new address. (((M & Mar)))
from nacwolin :
I wish there was something I could say to make you hear, and know, that you are amazing and deserve to be happy.
from nacwolin :
Call if you need anything, M. Seriously, anything. Do you still have my phone number? I tried to email you but it didn't go through. Email me at nacwolin@gmail.com. (((M))).
from polly-esther :
Oh, I am so, so, so sorry to hear all this. Hugs x a million. I love you.
from polly-esther :
Where are you?????
from polly-esther :
Oh jeez, I'm so sorry. I hope you and Matt can work things out. Damn cops...
from nacwolin :
I am not that far away. You know that. Call me if you need something. Seriously. An ear, a shoulder, a place to go. I will come and get you and Mar.
from vla :
sorry, m. this must be so hard. the good that can come from this is you getting some sort of help so you can be more present to your kid. I hope he does what he says and brings her back soon. I think you should document any physical stuff and get into some sort of outpatient. work on that stuff so when it comes down to who gets the kid, you have yourself a good case.
from nacwolin :
Arrested? And you already know I pray for you.
from polly-esther :
Again, what happened?
from vla :
thinking about you. hope everything is ok. I will say a prayer for you.
from polly-esther :
What happened?!
from nacwolin :
Please go to the doctor, M. I don't have to tell you that bleeding like that is not normal - please go. If for nothing else, for Mar. She needs her mommy to be well.
from nacwolin :
I am still reading, even if I don't post here anymore (my d-land diary). M, if one of your neighbors was sick, wouldn't you take them to the doctors? Wouldn't you insist? Please do that for yourself. I am sure one of them would go with you if you don't want to go alone. They adore you. Please go and find out what is wrong. Or call me and I will come up there and take you.
from polly-esther :
Silly, you don't have to tell me to read your diary. I did notice the difference -- shorter, less complex sentences -- but I don't necessarily think you're changing the way you write. You could be influenced by the pattern of speech that you hear your neighbors speak, but I would think it would take more than that to completely alter how you express yourself.
from miralogue :
what a great post. i think that's how a lot of new moms (and old moms) feel. my guess is that you'll throw as much passion at being a mom as backpacking through belize. and love it even more.
from polly-esther :
I look at M's photo blog pretty often and I love how she's wearing the duckie suit on her 6-month birthday! It's probably one of many outfits she wore that day, but still. :)
from nacwolin :
We found a baby bird (grackle) last year and it didn't make it either. From everything I read, we'd have had to stay up 24/7 to feed it; they eat around the clock. So try not to feel too bad - you all did a good thing, and the best that you could.
from miralogue :
i'm getting back into blogging. i have a public one now. i tried the old passwords but it didnt' work to get into yours. will you email me at katalogued at gmail dot com with it? i miss you!
from nacwolin :
Good to see an update from you - I was about to send you another note and/or try to call you.
from nacwolin :
She says it is "secret sadness." ... This really touched me, and made me want to cry. (((M))) - you and Mar are on my mind. I will get back to see you soon; and remember, my door is always open, and you are welcome to venture down this way anytime.
from nacwolin :
(((M))). Call me tomorrow (Wednesday) after 4 PM if you want to talk (I am working from 9-4).
from polly-esther :
Have fun with N tomorrow! Wish I could be there.
from nacwolin :
My kids didn't really like jar baby food either, except for the fruit, which you shouldn't introduce until you've intro-ed all the veggies. I made my own baby food. Steamed everything really well (sweet potatoes, butternut squash, carrots, green beans, and peas), then pureed it with some water in a food processer. Then I froze it in ice cube trays. You can then pop out a cube or two and warm up when you need it. I only kept jars on hand for when we were out and about. Well, except for fruit - I didn't make my own fruit baby food, save bananas, which I just mashed right on the spot when I gave those to them. Oh, and cereal - you are supposed to try rice first, but all three of mine hated it. I used oatmeal mixed with breast milk. LOL, I guess you didn't ask for this advice, but there you have it (grins sheepishly). One more thing - get the book "Feed Me, I'm Yours" - it has great baby feeding tips in it, including age appropriate foods.
from polly-esther :
I agree with N about the car seat thing. And it sounds like you have a little prodigy on your hands, which is no surprise. I enjoy hearing about M's progress.
from nacwolin :
I did that at least once, maybe more with our kids, M (not hooking them into the car seat OR not hooking car seat in. It happens to the best of us, honest. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. (((M&M)))
from polly-esther :
I didn't expect anyone to read that stuff, but I'm glad you did and decided to make the switch. I found that blog you mentioned and whoever runs it has serious anger issues. It's completely wrong for him to link to your photo blog like that. Just a really low blow. If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he quit? And if he doesn't work for that company, why bother blogging about it?
from nightlynews :
Hey! You're a full-time mommy now? Wow, I have a lot of reading and catching up to do! xo, J
from nacwolin :
If I remember correctly, P crawled (full-out) at 4 months, and then didn't walk till 13 months! Go figure. I think he just got so good at crawling, he didn't feel that he need to walk. Then of course, he went straight to running, and really hasn't stopped since :-).
from nacwolin :
You totally have the right to be LIVID. That is just SICK.
from polly-esther :
What the fuck?! That's so wrong.
from polly-esther :
Thanks. Dealing with the loss of my mother will get easier as time goes on...I think I'm doing pretty OK considering. My birthday was May 10, the day I rode with that guy Kyle. Happy belated birthday to you!
from nacwolin :
I hope you are feeling better - did you try the peroxide thing?
from polly-esther :
I feel bad. I understand what you're saying -- I should have set something up in advance. I still have something I'm going to mail you, so hopefully that will make things better! It's been sitting here for like a month. You'll get it this coming week.
from nacwolin :
I think it is cool to walk through graveyards - old ones with real headstones, that is. So does Rob, and so does my baby sis and her hubby. I will email you a cool entry my sis wrote with pics of a historical grave yard near DC. I think you will like it.
from polly-esther :
Please don't be serious! I hope you know I adore you. I wasn't online...I'm sorry. God I feel like shit now for ignoring the computer.
from polly-esther :
Happy birthday! I haven't been online since today so I didn't get your note in time. My dad's stuck in 1993, computer-wise, so logging on is frustrating. It was nice being unplugged for a few days, but I would have loved to have seen you and Marley! Argh.
from vla :
the last three lines. thanks.
from nacwolin :
Happy Birthday!
from nacwolin :
I went to the Camden aquarium with P's class in the fall - it is pretty cool. The penguins (outdoors) were my favorite. And I do want to get together, and I will email you (and send a note that I emailed) soon with some possible dates. I am scheduled to sub for 6 days in a row starting Tuesday, so it will probably be after that. Give that beautiful baby a big hug for me!
from nacwolin :
Hey girl, if you join www.vox.com (another blogging site I've been using), look me up (nacwolin.vox.com) and then I can send you a private message with my cell number (I am thinking you can't get email right now??). I am off all week - if you are up to it, we could meet up somewhere. My "biggest" plans for the week are the kids' Science projects (blech), but that shouldn't take forever :-). Or, if you get your email up and running, drop me a note, and I will send you my contact info.
from nacwolin :
Schedules at her age - not. Don't worry about it - feed her when she wants to be fed. There will be plenty of time for schedules. All my kids started scheduling themselves around 4-6 months (when they started solid foods), and even that wasn't a perfect science. That is one thing I HATE about daycare - the director is trying to get us to put the infants on an afternoon only naptime. I say, screw that - if they are tired, let 'em sleep! :-) (You are doing great, BTW!!)
from polly-esther :
M, I have something i want to send you. Could you please e-mail me your new address? 1@ws0n dot jenn1fer @t gm@i1 d0t c0m.
from nacwolin :
No offense taken. Daycare is a mixed blessing. When I am subbing in there, I do my best to give each baby individualized attention, but sometimes we do have to let one cry for a bit because we are all feeding or changing several others. It's hard. I am glad I was home with mine throughout infant- and toddlerhood.
from polly-esther :
That's sounds awesome! The best of luck to you!
from nacwolin :
For the next time she gets stuffed up - get some infant saline drops (just ask a pharmacist what/where to find them). Use a bit of that first, then the snarfler. Safe and effective (we use them in the daycare all the time). And hang in there, my friend - you are doing a great job and I have a feeling that when Marley is a little older and not as demanding, you will be able to find something fulfilling for you to do that will pay something too. (((M and Marley)))
from nacwolin :
You are kinder to me than I deserve! And I think you are doing a great job with Marley, btw :-). She'll warm up to M; and she will have him totally wrapped around her little finger.
from nacwolin :
More unsolicited mama advice :-). Re: sleeping with the baby. Did this with all of ours. More with the boys than K, though K slept on our chests on the sofa, etc. alot. A whole lot. As a matter of fact, that is how I put her to sleep at night up until my belly got too big with N inside (so, she was about a year-15 months old). Then we transitioned her to the going to sleep on her own in the crib. Point is, at Marley's age, letting her sleep with you all if fine, IMO. P slept with us a lot, probably because he was the baby. None of them sleep with us now - and all of them are EXCELLENT sleepers and have never had issues going to somewhere to spend the night. I think they've just always been secure - and I am thankful for that. Grandparents names: our kids use Meme and Pepe (french pronuc.), Grammie and Poppy, and MeeMee and PawPaw. I want to be called "Anya" when my day comes. It is Hungarian - a grandma "pet" name. My favorite grandma's parents came from a village near Budapest, so I find it nostalgic, nontraditional, and pretty :). Enough gab from me - next time, I will email :-D.
from vla :
I just have to say, I read all your entries. and you seem like an amazing mother to me. so attentive, m. you're doing a great job.
from toastcrumbs :
Hi, I used to read your diary all the time - my username used to be glitterkick way back before yesterday. You have a baby now it seems - congratulations! Anyhow, I'd love the password if you would like to give it to me - leave me a note, or e-mail, kkelley474@yahoo.com - thanks!
from drowningblue :
M! I'm locked out! I can't believe how much I've missed! I've been gone so long...please let me in? I've missed you!
from doublew :
Ugh... did I forget? Sorry. Just came back and its taking me a while to get everything up and running again. E-mail me at walt776(at)hotmail.com and I'll send you one. As J. said, I'm tossing it around like a whore. Also, congrats on the baby. I'm happy for you.
from nacwolin :
At about 3 weeks, babies have a growth spurt. The nurse like CRAZY and it seems you don't have enough. But it all balances out in a day or two, because since the baby is nursing so much, the milk production increases. Once that happens, her schedule will regulate again. If I remember right, this happens at about 3 months too. Get the book "The Art of Breast Feeding". It gets a bit radical halfway through but the chapters on the early days and weeks (and months) really helped me. Oh, and MOPS - mothers of preschoolers. Go to www.mops.org and you can look up a group close to you. They usually meet at a church, BUT they aren't strictly a religious-type of group. They do a lot of cool stuff. Might be worth a look.
from nacwolin :
It is totally normal to be ravenous while eating, more so even than when you were pregnant. :-) And check out www.associatedcontent.com and submit some articles - it doesn't pay alot, but sixweasels has made about $150 in a month.
from nacwolin :
Oh, I almost forgot. When I was in the hospital after having K, I remember dozing off for a while, then hearing my roommate's baby screaming. I laid there thinking, "why won't she take care of her baby?" I finally opened my eyes and it was MY BABY! I felt soooo bad. So, see, it can happen to any of us.
from nacwolin :
Aww, sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. You are just tired. You probably really needed that rest! M was there to take care of her, and as you said, he did fine.
from vla :
I am so happy for you, m. I kinda have no words... just so awesome. gives me hope?
from polly-esther :
M, I'm so happy that your eating habits are healthier and you realize you can't do that to yourself anymore. This mothering thing will be so good for you, and for her because you'll be (and are) great.
from nacwolin :
She is beautiful! What a little doll baby! And I love your pregnancy pic - you look so cute (I know, I know, you are thinking, yuck, but it's true, you look adorable).
from polly-esther :
Thanks for posting the pics! She's so precious and teeny tiny! I'm really happy for you guys. Congrats again. And I have to say that the resemblance between your Matt and mine is spooky.
from vla :
o, lovely.
from nacwolin :
Wow, M, you made me cry this morning. I am so happy for you. She sounds lovely. I know exactly what you mean about being in love...it's been a while, but how easy to recall and relive those feelings, those first moments and days of getting to know that little one and being a momma.
from nacwolin :
Yay! Congratulations!!! I love the name. And I can't wait to see pictures!! (((Momma and M@rley)))
from vla :
CONGRATULATIONS!! I was thinking about you last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!! I am so happy for you, m. aw. Just so happy. :)
from polly-esther :
CONGRATULATIONS! A little girl!! I love, love the name. Can't wait to see the pics. (((hugs))) Love ya M!
from doublew :
You ever have one of those friends who is a real self-absorbed asshole? He disappears for a long time, you don't hear a word from him, you move on with your life and, suddenly, one day he come a-knocking and says "howdy" like nothing has changed in the two years he has been away? That's me. Hell, don't know if you even remember me, but it is good to see you are still here on diaryland and keeping up the posting even as I disappeared (and a soon-to-be-mom -- I must admit that was a shock). I'm trying to reconnect with everyone I knew, and J. has talked me into updating my diary again. I have to keep the diary locked -- long story, but I was "outed" a while back -- but shoot me an e-mail at walt776@hotmail.com if you want the password. Sorry for the silence -- but you will be happy to know (or maybe not) that I haven't changed a bit.
from polly-esther :
Be sure to let everyone know what's going on when you can! I'm thinking about you...
from vla :
omg!
from nacwolin :
Praying for you and the little one - let us know how things are/went as soon as you are able!
from vla :
so, I don't think I have ever really had a love like that, or a connection like that with anyone--like yours with k. so. I think that speaks so much about your capacity for love and intamacey. you know? and says a lot about what kind of mother you will be able to be. I am sorry you lost that relationship with her though. It always makes me sad to read about that.
from polly-esther :
Yes, he's Italian. Yet another thing we have in common! Hey, when are you due?
from vla :
my grandma drank & smoked (a lot) through three pregnancies. and her babies were ok. just saying. I know, though. worries go way past that. I hear you. I would worry about similar things. The f'ed parts of me will not change just because I am a mom or wife someday, I know. That scares me. and keeps me in the place I am in some ways, I guess. I think you're going to be a good mom, m. I think you're going to surprise yourself in many ways.
from nacwolin :
Yeah, I think it is. And you know, almost always I've done something part time - either an in-home business or something while the kids are at school. I keep reminding myself that we have them with us for such a short time. I don't know how full-time working moms do it, honestly. It stresses me out way too much!
from nacwolin :
Your life as "you" doesn't have to end when the baby is born. Sure, it will be different. And you will have to work harder to have an identity beyond mother (and wife). But, you can and will. And you will be all the richer for it. It took me a few years to realize that and somedays it still feels that I am only defined by those two roles, BUT in my heart of hearts I know that I am so much more and those are simply two of the most important and fulfilling roles I get to play :-). And Rob and I are still planning and dreaming (La Jolla, CA for retirement - how's that for aiming high, LOL). And names...I like Iona a bit more than Ione. It's kind of like giving Ione a bit more (i.e., adding a different letter) to make it unique, to make it all hers. Just my two cents :-).
from polly-esther :
Yes, I am familiar with them, and ahem, may I point out it's spelled SHORTI. So yeah, I know them very well! :) And I love how Wawas now have keypad ordering systems so you don't have to talk to anyone. Now if only Wawas would open out here.
from polly-esther :
I never had the best relationship with my mother, and now that she's gone I'm trying really hard not to have regrets. Sometimes I'd think, "When she dies you'll feel really bad for not calling her on Easter" and that sort of thing. And I do. There were a lot of missed opportunities and disappointments on both of our parts. I know she read your diary. My mom read mine too, my paper diary. But despite all the baggage just keep in mind that your mom does love you despite the difficulties you have in your relationship.
from nacwolin :
Congrats on your merit bonus! :-)
from vla :
The way you write about The Bird makes me think about it--babies, having one inside of you, mothers, and that bond--in ways I have never thought about it before. Also, I am sorry you're out of touch with your friend.
from nacwolin :
Girl, I am not that far away. Let's get together sometime. Coffee or something. Or you and M could both come down. We can commisserate over pots and pans in the kitchen and the men can watch football. Whenever you are ready; there will always be an open invitation.
from polly-esther :
I watched that documentary too! NPR interviewed the filmmaker yesterday and the NYT had a review so I was curious. The Times review was scathing -- it said it portrayed this treatment center to be really ineffective and negative in their approach. I found it to be kind of boring at times. I was expecting it to be more compelling. None of the four women profiled were successful in their recovery either which was frustrating and sad.
from vla :
I don't think that's weird. any more weird than never being able to remember a time I didn't get myself off, so... yeah. ?? what's weird and what's not weird, you know? what's more fucked up. I don't know. I think you should get one though. ;)
from charisanne :
i have been reading you since the beginning...would like to continue! pls forward on a password to fromcharis@yahoo.com. thanks.
from rachelliz :
Me too for the pword! Rachelliz at diaryland dot com. Thanks!
from vla :
email me with new password, please. vla_76@yahoo.com.
from nacwolin :
I agree with vla and polly - don't disappear! Start a new one, some where else if need be (there are other free diary sites) and let us all know where you are. E-mail me at nacwolin at hotmail dot com.
from polly-esther :
That's horrible! My mom read my paper journals right before I moved out and I felt so violated. You just don't do that. But please don't go away -- you can change the password or start a new diary. I don't understand how she could get into your diary when it's password protected. Did you update from their computer or something? I'm sorry about your foot!
from vla :
WHAT? Oh My God. I WOULD FUCKING KILL MY MOM. How did she find it even? It's not like this has your real name on it... What the fuck. Well, you could always move to a new address and email us the link? vla_76@yahoo.com, if so. M! I would miss reading you so much... Please don't disapear. Also, so sorry about your foot. lordy. Thinking of you.
from nacwolin :
I was all belly with all three of mine. With Kay, I started out at 108 lbs at 5'8" and promptly began to LOSE more weight because I was puking all the time. So, it is definitely okay to be belly only. Seriously - try not to worry. Everyone carries differently. I didn't gain weight any where but the front, until toward the end when I put some on in my backside, but I think that was mostly for cushioning, LOL. And Parker was EXTREMELY active, from the beginning. I felt him kick REALLY early, and I could see his little limbs pushing on my belly all the time. So, it is definitely normal.
from polly-esther :
That's so lame that your editor said that to you about the kid being born in New Jersey! I was born there and I'm proud! Texas is a lot worse.
from nacwolin :
Ditto to what PE said. You do have a lot to live for, M - I wish you could see that.
from polly-esther :
It goes without saying that it's a good thing you didn't succeed. You know you have a good life. You will be a mother soon and you'll have someone else to live for because she will need you. Don't know what else to say but I wish you'd see how amazing you are, really. Don't do this again!!!!
from nacwolin :
I wish you could see/know how much you have to live for M. Rob's uncle just killed himself, the day before his youngest son's 18th birthday. Pretty messed up, and you know what? Pretty selfish too. I don't think I have to tell you I care. And sometimes caring means saying the hard things. That baby doesn't deserve what you are contemplating. If you can't live for anything else right now, live for her until you have the strength to live for you. Give her what you didn't have. That is what Rob is doing for our kids. And it is worth it.
from vla :
oh, m, you have someone else to live for now... to make it better for? you can make it different for this little girl. and it'd be pretty f'ed up if she grew up with a mom that offed herself, right? right. right.
from nacwolin :
Congrats! I was thinking about you the other day, and I thought, "I think M will have a girl." Thrilled for you, my friend!
from polly-esther :
How exciting! Congratulations on having a girl! (maybe.) It's so amazing how we've "known" each other for so long -- more than four years -- and it's so cool to see your life progressing. Vermont, Connecticut, NJ, Matt, marriage, now a baby. Wow.
from nacwolin :
If I haven't already said so, congratulations! I'd love to see pics, if you are comfortable sharing them with me (email me).
from vla :
oh, m, you totally did the right and the kind thing. what good would have come from freaking out on him, you know?
from vla :
I would be freaking out too... I hate being the center of attention at family party things. But it's going to be ok. lean on m.
from vla :
omy, you're getting married! I mean, I've known that for a while... but. wow. married! you're going to be a married woman! with a kid!! jumping out of planes. love you.
from nacwolin :
Had to lock up my journal. Email me if you want the username and password.
from vla :
I think that's kinda cool.
from nacwolin :
It is scary - contemplating the having of it. None of my kids wanted to come on their own, either; was late and induced every stinkin' time! But it was relatively quick, so I can't complain too much. You will be fine; I know I've said this before, but try not to worry. Easier said than done. And I think all first time moms have the same fears. Oh, and thanks for the kind words concerning my entry. Rob and I still have a good fight about once every 3 months - that was the night before my entry. But we find a way, and then we have a night on the deck like that one, and I know the silences (him), yelling (me), and frustrations (both) that inevitably come at times are worth it.
from nacwolin :
Oh. My. Gosh. With Kay I was SOOOO sick all the time the first 3-4 months. Morning, noon, night, it didn't matter. I started out underweight (108 at 5'8") and then I promptly lost like 4 more lbs, and so the doc had me eating 4 meals a day. WTF!? I said, "How in the world am I supposed to do that when it all comes right back up?" You know what was one of the only things that I could keep down consistently? Skittles. The regular flavor. They even have a bit of vitamin C in them, I think. Another thing that helped was keeping saltines by the bed and eating a few before I ever got up (before lifting my head from the pillow). Another tip - avoid citrus drinks, especially in the morning, and do not drink lemonade and eat popcorn. Bad, bad, bad tasting for the second time around, if you catch my drift. Eventually the puking passed. I am sure it will for you too. Oh, and they say raisin are good to nibble on too. Oh, yeah, one more thing (promise!) - don't let yourself get hungry. Eat little bits every hour or so. The times I got the sickest were when I waited too long before meals and then ate something. It always came back up again.
from vla :
also, I've heard so many mom stories like the one below, too. Babies are tough. Plus, I know my grandma did a lot of *bad* things during her pregnancy--drinking, smoking, not eating. The only issue was that the babies were under weight. So... Just be healthy now, m. Now that you know. That's all you can do. Take care.
from nacwolin :
M, sweetie, please try not to worry! A woman's body when pregnant is an amazing thing. The baby gets all the "good stuff" and if anyone is adversely affected, it tends to be the mom. I remember that I had laughing gas (filling) when I was pregnant and didn't know it with Nathan. I was so worried! You know, they asked me if I could be, I said no, then I thought well, I could be...but it was too late - they put me under and a week or so later I found out I was preganant. But he was just fine. Perfect. Hang in there, kiddo. O'll say it again - Please try not to worry.
from nacwolin :
Good to see an update - you've been in my thoughts and prayers. Come down this way and visit sometime soon, 'kay? Open invitation.
from nacwolin :
Wow! Don't leave us hanging - more details!!
from polly-esther :
You're kidding!!! I know you want kids, so congratulations! More info, please!
from vla :
holy shiiiiiiiiiiiit, girl. I have been thinking of you a lot. I hope this is great news for you! Seems like it is. Take care and UPDATE soon!!
from quixoticsub :
~hugs~ there isn't anything i can say to even minimize the sadness and despair you are feeling. You are not alone though, i will be thinking about you and hoping things get better very soon. victoria
from nacwolin :
It is good to read about you wanting to change things and being able to hear the birds singing. Praying for you.
from nacwolin :
I really like your entry about Toby. Sometimes time just doesn't really make us miss them less, does it?
from nacwolin :
Two things, and I guess you didn't really ask for advice, so I am sorry if I am overstepping my bounds, but I feel like I need to say this. 1. Stop writing the stuff for him. It's his job. Let him rise or fall on his own. I can understand wanting to help, but it sounds like you are in a catch-22 by doing so. Step back and let him do the work on his own for a while. 2. You all should pay rent and other utilities based on a percentage plan. If he makes more, he should pay more. When Rob and I had a roommate and we made more than him, we paid 2/3 and he paid 1/3. Same with utilities. Personal expenses we paid according to what we used. Just my two cents - treat it like a grocery store - take what you want and leave the rest. :-)
from nacwolin :
I am praying for you, my friend.
from polly-esther :
By "afraid," I mean how I'd be afraid to meet someone I really hold in high regard out of fear of saying the wrong thing, screwing up somehow, etc. It's a compliment!
from polly-esther :
I'm so sorry we didn't connect while i was in the Phila. area. I should have made plans with you before we went out because of the trouble I had getting online that I wrote about in my last entry...I should have gotten your phone number at least. The days that I spent out there went by so fast. I was also a little afraid to meet you. Let's try it again the next time I'm out there. I won't flake out this time.
from nacwolin :
January sounds lovely, my friend. The door is open. And if you decide you want to get together before 2005 rolls out of the way, just let me know - call me, email me, whatever works. Otherwise, looking forward to seeing you next month. :-) Merry Christmas!!!
from vla :
I locked up a little bit ago. email me for the password if you want at vla_76@yahoo.com.
from nacwolin :
I am not sure what happened to warrant your last entry, and I know to some it may seem weird to call these online relationships friendships, but I do consider you a friend. As different as we may seem to be, I connect with something in you, in your writing. And I hope in some small way (and as corny as it may sound) that you feel the same.
from captainron :
You finally have a job you are happy with and he thinks NOW is a good time to stop and have kids? How much help will a person who treats you like you are invisable, does nothing around the house and works 80 hours a week be with that?
from nacwolin :
You know, it is looking more and more like we will be moving up your way...I hope we'll be able to get together once in a while. And as to your "being seen" entry - I understand. Nothing profound to say, just simply that I've been there.
from sixweasels :
Your entry today almost had me in tears. "Being seen" as you say, even by those who love us, seems pretty damn near impossible when we aren't chasing the things the world seems to want people to chase. I have no advice, but I'm there with you.
from nacwolin :
I know I don't have to tell you that your friend's lover needs serious help. There's also a chance that he was molested - or some type of lines crossed - when he was a child. This is definitely not something he is just going to stop doing - it's already gone too far. There are 2 books out called "Every Man's Battle" (for married men) and "Every Young Man's Battle" (for single men) that may also be helpful; Rob has used them in classes and counseling.
from captainron :
You're gone and we naver even got the chance to have lunch... Oh well, good luck in the "Garden" State.
from nacwolin :
Beautiful entry today, my friend. Keep seeking, searching. He wants you to know He's there, and that He loves you, more than you can imagine. {{Hugs}}.
from glitterkick :
Hi, I had to temp lock my diary due to some random craziness. username=glitterkick, password=kickglitter. Very original, isn't it?
from miralogue :
the p-word's not working girlfriend. i felt like i had at yping disorder there for a minute, but i can spell chicken :)
from vla :
Hey, m, I donít know if you know this or not, but your password isnít working. I think because of all of the DL issues, you actually have to go back to the password forum and resubmit it in order to get it to work again. Anyway, are you supposed to get this horrible blizzard we are getting clobbered with right now? It sucks. I feel totally stuck. Housebound. I do not like that feeling. I guess it *is* pretty, but I am so over winter right now. bleh.
from tenebrousone :
Got your message. You should (hopefully) be getting an email with the requested information. If you don't, please let me know.
from nacwolin :
1/6 - tried to read your diary today but it is locked...are you okay??
from captainron :
Sorry about your friend, I;m sure she'll be fine. She's lucky to have you. We all are. Merry Christmas. Love, me
from polly-esther :
Dec. 22 -- I hope Susan will be OK. She's lucky to have such a caring friend. I've been meaning to tell you, you should check out b-jy-ce. She is in grad school in Vermont and in her current entry she has a pretty funny story about something that happened on campus. (for some reason I couldn't sign your guestbook.)
from captainron :
I don't get how you dying gets you to Paris or any of the other things you really want to do. You want to get even, starve HIM. Doing yourself harm just hurts you and those of us who care.
from chunkycow :
thanks for the recipe! lol, the BF is a self declared non-picky eater, so he ended up liking it....or maybe he was just humoring me. who knows. i actually came across your journal from nightlynews' journal and i was/am intrigued by your career and after reading a few of your older entries I'm hooked. lol, I sound like a crazed fan now.
from dollyllama :
No, I missed the dead prostitute! Shucks! I actually don't read newspapers and magazines all that much, so I wouldn't have seen it anyway. But I probably drove by the cop cars.
from fridayfilms :
Could you make a voodoo doll for the overfriendly-co-worker-who-flirts-mercilessly-with-your-boyfriend? Hi. I just found your diary through vla. I can relate to your workaholic boyfriend issues. I see mine for an hour a night each week. On weekends, he talks about work. He works in film, so this job will end eventually, though there's always the next job. Anyway, lots of good writing here and I'll continue to read.
from vla :
p.s., is there confusion here between V and v? I just looked in your guestbook...
from vla :
M, I didn't take that personally at all; I didn't even think of it, and wasn't referring to it in my last entry, if that's what you thought... Oh, but get this, I got heckled by some gross guy on a motorcycle last night. He yelled at me after I was already way past him over the roar of his (lame) bike: 'Hey, you should get some SUN!' Um, thanks, I'll take that into consideration. That I took personally, for some reason. Anyway. Hi. I'm off to read your update from last night right now.
from captainron :
Meg, you can email me at RonEXP35t@aol(removethis).com Thanks for the kind words. I'm a bit depressed right now, but plugging ahead. I don't have you email address anymore sine I wasn't able to save all that stuff from my files. It all happened so fast.. Any whay, hang in there lady, hopedylly better days are ahead for both of us.
from thintowin :
Aw, hon, I am sorry this turned out this way. Maybe he will realize it once you step out the door. No matter what happens, don't settle for less that you want. You're going to be successful and happy and you are going to have it all. If he wants to come along for the ride he better hurry before the train leaves the station!
from raven72d :
I want more than anything else to be remembered as part of a girl's life... To have *mattered* to her, to be a key story for her twenty years later...
from raven72d :
The story about your grandfather is sad and heartfelt and deeply intriguing. There are so many stories implicit in the things you wrote about...
from raven72d :
*Sigh*... West Haven, East Haven, Orange, Wallingford, Branford, Madison... It's been far too long since I've been there. But I'm glad you sent a note-- and I will be a regular reader of your diary.
from raven72d :
West Haven.... I remember West Haven, remember West Rock, remember driving out... You're on the courtroom beat? Crime stories make me glad that I only do civil cases. Torts and successions aren't exciting, but at least I don't get to see the bottom levels of humanity.
from captainron :
Welcome back, and keep the piano...
from nacwolin :
hey sweetie - are you okay? I noticed you are locked... drop me a note, okay?
from captainron :
You've gone private? :-(
from captainron :
Oh sure, you had time to update your profile, but still have that crappy non-comment next to my name. Whiiiiiiiine.......
from captainron :
If I were a writer, I'd want to work for somebody like you.
from miralogue :
so i tried to leave you a congratulatory note, but it wouldn't let me. i say if matt's into moving, take him up on it. it's okay for him to want to do things for you, you know. you'll kick serious ass at your job and give us weekly editors hope there are better things ahead...congratulations to you, darling
from rachelliz :
Hey M, I'm locking up for a little bit. Username Rachel, pword locked
from captainron :
Congrats on the new job. I knew you'd get it. Are you going to be working for the courant? It really doesn't (in my opinion) stack up to the Boston or even Providence papers so adding you can only help them. Good luck and happy holidays. Ron
from rachelliz :
No guestbook for me either. In any case, congrats on the job!
from nacwolin :
I haven't been able to leave a note in your GB for two days now... Anyway, dearest M, it is all going to work out! You are talented, a great reporter, a wonderful woman - the right job is there, sometimes we just have to wait a little, don't we? Hang in there, and hugs from MO!
from captainron :
M, There's only no hope when you decide not to let there be. You're pretty, smart and talented... and you know those things are true, you do, yet, what do you tell your self constantly? Just the opposite, no? Tell yourself you're no good often enough and you'll believe it. You can stand on your own two feet and you know it. You did before you met Matt, you will if you both decide to move on. BTW, you can't blame Boo for all this, she did something we all should do, she grew up. People can't spend life trapped as a twelve year olds. We're not emotionally or physically formed at that point yet. Sigh... as usual I've said too much. Good luck with the car. Happy Wednesday. Ron
from rachelliz :
You probably have two messages from me in the guestbook, but as far as I can see you have none. Anyway, I said this: I agree with Captain Ron. My first thought on reading about the raises is that maybe Matt feels weird about pushing for a raise for you since you live with him. Maybe it's more a reflection of your personal situation than his opinion of your professional worth. I agree though that the system is just against women. One advantage I guess of my freelancing is that I have been forced to negotiate for money nearly every time I accept a job (meaning 10 to 20 times a year), so I have learned. That doesn't mean I'm not sick every time I ask for more money though. Why don't people just offer what they're willing to pay? What's with the games? It's frustrating.
from rachelliz :
Gah guestbook is not working. So it's time you DO something! Eek I feel older and older. Most people never do anything I think. Good luck trying though.
from captainron :
You wrote "Another person can't make you happy." That's absolutely true, it's only when you learn to accept yourself that you can be happy. You also wrote: "But I always feel like everything is going on around this little cold core of truth -- that I am ugly and worthless and bad." But you know that isn't true.. You're beautiful and talented and caring. Everybody knows it, hell you know it. The voice that tells you other wise is WRONG and if it is wrong about those completely obvious things, than how can it be trusted on anything? God I hate people who abuse kids. They never realize the long lasting pain they cause and usually never even get blamed for it. The hmm, looking for a word thats not victims, because I know you hate that word, but hell here it fits, always end up blaming themselves. If I was somehow better, this never would have happened. Well you never could have been good enough to stop it, NEVER. It was never about you, and you deep down really know that. You had a safe haven once and you drove her away with just this kind of behavior. Is history repeating itself? DOn't push away the people who care, they are the answer, not the problem. You need to feel safe again, that will never happen alone. Lots of us care about you M... If you ever need to talk, you have my email address, drop me a number where you can be reached, or I'll give you one where you can reach me. You are a good person M, and the world needs more of them, not less. {{{{hugs}}}} Ron
from captainron :
You really are an incredible person. Yes, really... Stop it, you are.... Ron
from captainron :
Thanks for the note M... I understood your comments all too well. Now if I could only get you to change that damn non-comment in your profile about me.... grumble, grumble. Happy Hump day!
from mia-baby :
The poem represents my view of the changing of an anorexic's body. It is a continual renovation. The furnishing of the house represents the fact that in the end, when we are finished 'renovating', there will be nothing left of us...we renovate until we die. Leaving the house unfurnished equals that of a body without flesh, just a bony structure left standing. But no need to feel dumb...only the author of any piece of poetry really knows what their poem is about. Anyone else who claims to understand is lying through their ass! Love Gen
from mia-baby :
I know what you are trying to tell me, but it is so hard to deside. I just need to ask you one really stupid question that I just can't get my head around...what if i recover, but turn out really fat? I've been fed up to a BMI of 20...i can't *live* like that, i really can't. How can i accept being fat all my life? Love Gen
from mia-baby :
I've missed you!!! Sorry i haven't been keeping in touch...kinda busy ya know (that and i wasn't in contact with the internet). Anyways, write me. I wan't to hear all about you and Matt and your work and just you in general. Love Gen
from captainron :
Well (as usual) I left a nice long note in your guestbook and it got eaten. My life wrapped up in a cosmic hiccup. I'm an engineer, a good one who is no sitting at a dest trying to sell boats for a living because nobody wants to make stuff in America any more. Forced retrenchment, broght on by global conditions is not a way to choose a career. You on the other hand have lots of choices M. You are good at what you do.. No that isn't strong enough, you have the potential to be the BEST at what you do, and what you want to do. To have the talent and the opportunity is a rare gift. Don't waste it OK? You never know what the future holds of even if there will be a future for any of us. Take the chance, grab the brass ring.. Hmm, rambling thought, do people your age even know what a brass ring was? Do they have merry go rounds any more? Ah well...
from captainron :
Damn, sometimes you piss me off. You've beautiful, smart, got a great life and a great guy and a great job and all you want to do is whine about 10 freaking pounds and that makes you want to kill yourself? Sigh... I just had a friend die of cancer and another one has just months to live. You know what he was doing yesterday? Building a stone wall... He's feeling, hell, I'm not dead yet so get the most out of life that you can. Kind of puts it in perspective doesn't it? Nah, not really I bet. You almost weigh a 100. There can't be anything worse than that. (makes me want to barf).
from captainron :
It's kind of ironic that your life seems to be coming together so well, while your ED strives to take control. Perhaps you are allergic to happiness? I sure hope not, you do deserve to be happy M, you really do. Love is something worth living for. Love even makes it worth stopping the running.
from raven72d :
I saw you described as "one of the brains at D-Land", so I had to check out your diary. And, well, yes-- your entries are deliciously sardonic and fun. I'll be reading you often.
from carlita27016 :
alrighty now - where to start? ok - I LOVE the way you write, I read your latest entry and I fell in love (well not in LOVE).. but it totally drew me to your diary. WOW, I'm adding you to my list of favourites. You seem really kool. Anyway have a good one and hope to hear from ya. *Carly*
from jessmeagan :
Hey Blueeyesblue..awsome page and great discription of yourself...you sound a lot like me on my crued and just days. Do you like your job? Just wonderin cuz I was thinkin bout goin into that. Ight, well Give me a note back if ya get the chance..it's jessmeagan
from captainron :
Am I still on the shit list? Happy Thursday and good luck on the new job. You'll do great...
from jaggedmoon :
Hey, I can't believe you still have me on here. I have a livejournal now, you should visit. It's nothing fancy, not quite like what I did here. Just a different medium. It's good to see you're still our there kicking butt. http://www.livejournal.com/users/saepepeccamus
from poshgrrl :
hi i have a new site which you can jion if you want to go to http://poshgrrl.proboards13.com
from miralogue :
ok, so this is the third attempt at signing your guestbook and i'm getting really pissed off.(and it won't let me sign no matter what i do so you're getting a "note") one: hang in there for a few days and you'll be feeling more back to your old self. no one understands "fuck warmed over' more than me, so i feel your pain. take 800 mg of Advil (four) plus 400 mg of Midol (two pills). The advil kills more of the pain, and the Midol gets the other symptoms. It's not a cure-all but it sure does help. Make sure you eat something with it so you don't get sick or put a hole in your stomach. Saltines should do it. ( and eat. Itís good for you especially when you have your period. Iím serious.)I promise it's safe and works. And you're lucky if that's all the longer it lasts--three days? Mine lasts triple that when left to its own devices...which is why i'm on the pill permanently and constantly, so that in theory i don't get it (which is ONLY in theory). also, it's so interesting to see the parallels between boo and james. these relationships are a tough loss, but it's good to know this is something other people understand. the last entry i wrote about her is much more honest than the others, in the sense that it's more accurate about how I feel about her. it's almost as if i didn't want to say it, in case it was real. i don't know. the distance between us has become a distance where i can write about some negative things that really express what's really going on, if that makes sense. and lastly, thanks for the gbook messages . they make me so happy. and as usual, your writing kicks my writing's ass.
from deadinsanity :
Hey, thanks for the note... I noticed you too were gone for sometime. But, I didn't think you needed a "where are you" from me since you got enough of those.. But I did notice your absence when I finally checked in here. As for mirrors, I can't even reckognize myself when I look in one. I can't remember the last time I remember seeing ME. Def. warped mirrors. I haven't read in a few weeks.. but congrats on what's been happening that YOU like. : ) Merry Chirstmas and good luck with the upcoming holidays.
from nacwolin :
Where are you????
from deadinsanity :
Thank you for your note. You're the only one I've really had any communication with at d-land. And I always welcome your words. No need for REAL worry. I can't do anything permanent other than leaving scars. Yeah, I felt like I related to you a lot in some ways too. As for point 1: Yes, I know I have to go to a doctor. There's a cheap clinic place a few miles away <2 or 3 HOURS my public transportation!!> It's really difficult at work and just to watch TV, my brother is always telling me to turn it down. I need my ears back. I'm afraid of what these years of neglect have done - permanently. But I hope to go before the dreaded month of December. As for #2, yes, yes she did. I don't know if I wrote about it here, but I will make an entry for you about it.. what I remember hearing.. instead of telling the story here and taking up a ton of space. I wrote a fictionalized account for a high school paper. I titled it, "The Tragic Tale of the Boom-Boom Kid" or something like that. I wish I still had it. I don't know where it could be! I read your entry about your Aunt Sarah. And I remember you mentioning her before. That was something. Again, thank you for writing. Half the times, I doubt anyone reads.. it seems like I basically just ramble about nothing half the time anyway. I even get bored with myself. Anyway, I'll write in a few about my mom and her brother. I hope you're doing well with everything you have in front of you. Take care.
from wrongwayjane :
hey you. Just read an entry of yours, I am almost in shock. My "friends" treat me the same way, holding me out at arms length, and I really cannot relate to them, I end up spending most of my time alone in my apartment as well. I can totally relate about the dinner with the boss problem...I have an upcoming event at work where I will be expected to eat, and I really cannot refuse to go...such a panic moment. I have added you to my favorites, hope you don't mind. Take care JANE
from captainron :
You have so much talent. I'd give anything, well maybe not anything, but a lot to be able to write like you. You are an artist with words, I'm a mechanic, functional at best. You should consider writing a book. It doesn't matter about what, with the gift you have it would be wonderful. I've read every entry now. It took me three days of reading on breaks and lunch and when I should be doing something else. It's funny, we are very different people on the outside, but have a lot in common when it comes to the core stuff. Thank you for the chance to share a tiny bit of your life. I know, I'm weird, but I like you and I'm going to keep liking you, so there :-)~
from deadinsanity :
Thank you... for what you wrote me. That honestly made me cry. I DO want to keep her because it HAS been a 15 year friendship. But I have nothing to offer her now but suicidal wishes and a vague daydream to get better. I emailed her telling her I needed time to respond. I think I also asked her how many times within our friendship has she known me to be truly happy. I can't remember. Also.. I wanted to ask you, how did you finally solve the "older entries" problem you had? I noticed that my last 2 entries didn't show up on my list. Just hoping you could shed some light on what you did. I wish you the best.. through everything you have to go through. That's about the only thing I can say about that. Again, thank you.
from clean2202 :
Dear Blue: Thanks for your note and suggestion. I am new to Diaryland so am still getting the hang of things. Take care -- Clean
from invisibledon :
thanks for visiting
from deadinsanity :
Hallo. First, let me just say congrats with the whole moving and new job. I would love your abilities with everything home repair related. I'd just love the opportunity of moving.. actually, I have that as an option.. moving. From NY to North Carolina! I'm seriously thinking about it though. I've depleted this town of all it's resource. Plus it will give me a chance to avoid those who are avoiding me. No, I have never read, or heard of, "Sadacko and the 1000 paper cranes." I did a search for it and nothing came up. And as far as the baskets, which I learned how to make in 8th grade, it'd basically over under, over under... I think making that last basket was more about having something to do while I tried to get a tan for the first time this summer. : ) But I've always been good with those tedious tasks - 1000 cranes, baskets, organizing... I can't remember if I responded to the dog note.. but honestly, I'm glad I amused you.. I usually see my life as humorous.. something that should be on the Jerry Springer show. Freak family.. I had a conversation with an older cashier at the grocery store. He asked me if I was going back to school. When I told him I've been on a permanent medical leave.. for "mental health" reasons... he wished me well. I respected him and wished him a great day. Ok, I'm rambling.. sorry. I tend to do that drunk or not. Again, congrats for everything. I wish you the best of luck in all of your new situations.
from atsari :
Hey, congrats on the job and the pay! Nice. I thought of you earlier today before I'd ever read today's entries because our money ed was sick and I had to plan the financial pages. Lo and behold what do I stumble upon on the wire? The nuke sale. I wanted to write to you earlier, but I've been swamped. Try not to feel so bummed, but I can understand how you feel after having put so much energy into covering this for so long.
from atsari :
First off: Hiss instead of Hess, or better yet, Horatio (reversed, of course) is freakin' hysterical!!! Thanks for sharing that, making me laugh and not get so hung up on my own stupidity. (Side note: in a little way, venting on that was a way to avoid writing about spending close to 7 hours with J. yesterday. I haven't written about that yet.) Secondly: Weird. I messed around with my older entries page today too and finally fixed some bug I didn't even know was there until I tried to archive. Finally: your last entry... maybe so. I don't know. You say, "I'm not at all sure it's "right" and I don't want my lifestyle to affront people" and talk about the Bible. Wow. Doozy. Because I relate to you in not knowing if it really is right or wrong and what the Bible says (though keep in mind, so much of has been translated over and over through the ages... ever hear the joke about how the monk scribes messed up and wrote celibate instead of celibrate? -- extreme but it explains the point... also keep in mind, a lot of the Bible, esp the Old Test, is social doctrine of the time... all the same, I struggle.) The point is I DON'T KNOW. Parts of me say its wrong... but are those programmed, ingrained in my brain as much as the other kind of stigma I wrote about recently or are they real? I don't know and can't judge. I know many kick ass, beautiful gay people that have their shit together (morally, mentally, etc.) than a lot of straight people. Point: I can relate to your struggle (except for the part that I LOVE, perhaps even too much, men.) but who am I to say what's right or wrong? If you are, is that such a bad thing? Especially today? This is getting long, but my mind raced with thoughts while I read your entry. Until you got into the "feelings down there about girls part," I started wondering (forgive me if this is too blunt or rude) if part of your trouble with orgasms has to do with your body image. You write over and over again how you hate your body.. moreover, hate being in a body, period. Actually, it took me a long time to have one myself. It was always hard for me. J. gave me one, and this guy I've sort of hooked up with some recently... but before that, it was so difficult. I'm going to stop now. I'm rambling, but thanks for sharing.
from themoi :
Okay ... Here is a very basic template for your older entries, until you find one you like replace your current template with it: click on "Change your template" then on "click here to change how your older.html archive page looks." and replace the content of the textBox with the following: <HTML><HEAD><TITLE>blueeyesblue.diaryland.com</TITLE></HEAD> <BODY BGCOLOR="#09035C" TEXT="white" LINK="white" VLINK="white"> <P> <A HREF="http://blueeyesblue.signmyguestbook.com/"><IMG SRC="http://images.signmyguestbook.com/buttons/signmywhite.gif" WIDTH="180" HEIGHT="60" BORDER=1></A><BR> <A HREF="http://signmyguestbook.com/"><SMALL>powered by SignMyGuestbook.com</SMALL> </A></P> <TABLE WIDTH=750> <TD WIDTH=250 VALIGN=TOP> <CENTER> <IMG SRC="http://images.diaryland.com/templates/5/menu.gif" usemap="#menu" HEIGHT=137 WIDTH=145 BORDER="0"> <map name="menu"> <area shape="rect" coords="0,97,145,137" href="http://www.diaryland.com" target="_top" title="Get your own diary at DiaryLand.com!" alt="Get your own diary at DiaryLand.com!" > <area shape="rect" coords="0,65,145,97" href="mailto:blueeyesblue@diaryland.com" target="_top" title="contact me" alt="contact me" > <area shape="rect" coords="0,34,145,66" href="/older.html" target="_top" title="older entries" alt="older entries" > <area shape="rect" coords="0,0,145,34" href="/index.html" target="_top" title="newest entry" alt="newest entry" > </map> </TD> <TD WIDTH=500 VALIGN=TOP> %%older_entries%% <P><CENTER> <img src="http://images.diaryland.com/templates/5/menubar.gif" width="468" height="60" usemap="#menubar" border="0" > <map name="menubar"> <area shape="rect" coords="373,0,468,60" href="http://members.diaryland.com/profile.phtml?user=blueeyesblue" target="_top" title="about me - read my profile!" alt="about me - read my profile!" > <area shape="rect" coords="279,0,372,60" href="http://members.diaryland.com" target="_top" title="read other DiaryLand diaries!" alt="read other Diar yLand diaries!" > <area shape="rect" coords="185,0,278,60" href="http://members.diaryland.com/edit/mail2pal.phtml?user=blueeyesblue" target="_top" title="recommend my diary to a friend!" alt="recommend my diary to a friend!" > <area shape="rect" coords="0,0,184,60" href="http://www.diaryland.com" target="_top" title="Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!" alt="Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!" > </map></CENTER></P> </TD></TABLE> </BODY></HTML>
from atsari :
Hi, hon. Don't beat up on yourself too much about the Susan thing. I understand how you feel, but I'm sure you're way harder on yourself than any reactions she's likely to have. It's good you're going to lunch with her though.
from obsolescence :
bleh :(. getting to the natural weight is all too easy when one is all too intent on sabotaging themselves.. when one hates themselves so much they won't even allow themselves to live up to their own standards. thanks for writing.. i like what you have to say & i'll keep reading.
from made-again :
I'm still reading you...and realising that you are such a beautiful and unique person! College time will be there before you know it, girl! You'll do well...
from deadinsanity :
Hi there. I can't write much but you are right, these last 7 month have been a "dark winter" for me. Hopefully once the sun begins to peek out, I'll be able to take something positive away from all of this. But until then...
from atsari :
Wow, girl! What an amazing entry! You really can be so open here, even when it is (understandbly) difficult to be that way in the outside world. One thing I can relate with you 100 percent on: loving too damn hard. That needed no explanation for me, and the one you gave is the one I would have given myself. I'm still the idealist enough to believe it's a good quality to have, but now that I know how much heartache it can lead to, it's definitely a difficult quality to bear.
from nacwolin :
Hey you - you can e-mail me at Nacwolin@hotmail.com; I am able to check that one. I'd love to get that e-mail if you still can send it. The flood was actually at a remote location that serves our websites, etc., so no clean-up for me, just frustration!! As for the hard drive dying - just one of those things. Rob is working hard to get me up and running again!! Thanks for the nice note...it made MY night!
from nacwolin :
Just touching base...my computer is wounded; not sure when I will be up and running normal again. You are in my thoughts.
from neurotic-one :
I wonder what my neighbors think with me playing my cello? =>, like I'd give a rats behind. But the horn would drive me nuts, especially if they couldn't play it well.
from atsari :
Hey, thanks for relating and the congrats. Admittedly, despite the hastle I have to say I am sort of proud of myself. The poor army guy just got the full-force culmination of my day. I was so sick of being corrected. (On the fax I made a little handwritten note about WHISC being in the Web address title and I sent to copies. Like I said, maybe I do have an attitude problem.) --- P.S. Yeah, I shouldn't drink and drive. I know. Don't hesitate or feel bad about pointing such things out to me though. Even though it's shit I know, it doesn't hurt to be reminded and know people care.
from atsari :
I'd heard about the fires and how far you could see the effects. It amazed me, but it was hard to imagine what something like that would look like. Thanks for sharing! And, yes, I often feel like, while the me in reality isn't really too different from the me here, she is different all the same. I feel that, yes, I dump a lot of garbage here and it's such a small, small fraction of the whole of me (and usually the most depressing parts, the parts I need to vent about.)
from nacwolin :
Personally, I love reading your entries no matter what they are about, what the mood. You are open and honest and your writing kicks hiney! Write what YOU want, M; who cares what anyone else thinks (man, I need to preach THAT to myself).
from nacwolin :
Your story about the sweet little old lady and the ad made me laugh out loud! I could picture it all in my mind's eye, especially where she turned all sweet and grateful and was patting you. Tee-hee! Thanks for the chuckle!
from kateso :
Maybe someday, if I practice really hard and be a really good girl, I can be as good a writer as you.
from atsari :
I wrote in a recent entry about Cohen's "Suzanne." I didn't realize it was your favorite song. What a great song! Anyway, I've seen all sorts of freaky stuff at the paper but never someone coming in just to make a copy! Nuts! (P.S. I e-mailed you a bunch of stuff about the sage with J. and a link to his new gal's diary.)
from deadinsanity :
Hi there. Thanks, but there's no need to worry. I've just been putting all my time into fixing up my new computer. Aka trying to put everything from my old one onto this one. I forgot if I had left the house at all, nothing has really changed. But it has to - I only have $25 to my name right now and that'll be gone tomorrow <have to buy cigarettes>. Ok, I'm rambling, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that I'm fine.. as much as I can be. Thanks for your concern.
from evsdr :
Hello, Thanks for your lovely note. I've only just submitted that banner today by the way, so it's nice to know it actually, um, shows. It's late at night here now, but I would surely return to read your diary soon. Ciao~
from atsari :
I played around with my by-line once, but the most ever did was insert my middle initial. It started to look too long, even with just an initial, so I went back to just first and last. I kind of like the idea of your first initial and middle name, but a nickname could work too. Let me think on this. Thanks for sharing the story about Toby. It really was beautiful.
from nacwolin :
What a beautiful story about your grandma, Toby. Thank you for sharing that. ~N.
from atsari :
I would love for you to come down to where I live and slap him! Whoo hoo! No, some clarifications are perhaps in order though. 1) She wasn't my friend. I'd met her once or twice. From everything I've learned about her, she's not someone I'd want as a friend. (I found out, by the way, about there whole little sordid deal and the lies after she tried to contact him via IM but got me instead. I ran a search on her moniker -- blame the reporter -- and turned up a whole online diary. So while I discovered diaryland under less than pleasant circumstances, I've turned something icky into something positive for myself. (If you get really curious, I could e-mail you a link to her diary. I don't know your e-mail though. Polly-esther has the link. You could ask her.) 2)It's like he went nuts and completely changed. Before the whole deal with her, he was phenomenal to me. He really was. I'd been in shitty relationships before and this guy treated me so well. We talked about everything. Everyone thought we were a great couple. He battled a life-threatening condition last summer and while his body recovered it took a huge psychological toll on him. I don't know, but I think all of this shit could be a by product of that. He just changed 180 degrees. This is getting long. I'm not make excuses for him, but the background is a little more complicated than I might make it seem in my entries. Before I go, congratulations on finding all your credits will be accepted. That's great that you are so close to a degree. Go girl!
from nacwolin :
Great news about the school thing - I am really excited for you! I hope to go back myself in the fall of '03, when Parker starts kindergarten, but I will be pursuing a distance ed program, I think. Drop me a note sometime - you have been on my mind.
from atsari :
Hey. What I said in my last note and what I read in your last entry... I hope you don't think I judge you. I don't. (By the way, thanks for implying that my diary can give inspiration. Mostly I feel like I just vent about guys. I feel, like the friend that abandoned me said, whiny. So if something inspriational comes through, whoo! Anyway, thanks.) Back to the judging, I just get concerned that's all. I'm always concerned when people are too hard on themselves. My ex always tells me he hates himself. We all hate ourselves sometimes, though, I suppose. What's my point? With a hesitancy to say anything that would romanticize bulima, a hatred for the body is an age-old spiritual longing. We want to rise above. Out of. I don't know. I love your writing. I do. If you sometimes feel you're starting to hate having a d-land diary, please know that you'd be missed. Talking of inspiring, your way with words inspires me. Not to get all gushy 'n shit, but they do. What the hey? Thanks for sharing.
from polly-esther :
Advocacy journalism is all about the reporter being a crusader. As a reporter/editor extrordinaire, you weild more power than you realize. All reporters do, really.
from neurotic-one :
nothing wrong with being vindictive.
from atsari :
Hey. Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I want to compliment you, obviously. Your writing never ceases to amaze me. Its so clear and vivid. Plus clever. But I also want to say take care of yourself. Eat. Be merry. How's therapy going? (Subliminal: Seafood, mmmm, good.) Sorry. I just wish you all the best. On a lighter note, I loved your opening sentence about revisiting the scene of a crime. Plus, I laughed when I read it because I sort of went back to the scene of a crime myself today -- I was at the campsite where I lost my virginity drunk on the side of a mountain at 16. I guess I'd been there since but not in many, many years and not with so much lucidity.
from nacwolin :
Hi M~ We're back in town; it's taking me forever to catch up... Drop me a note sometime. Love ~N.
from killkessa :
hey there, i didn't know how else to reach you-- i just wanted to say that what you wrote in my guestbook about your friend was so on target in regards to my friend (who is in Cali as well).. one phone call about how much she misses me.. followed by months of nothings.. i've learned not to get my hopes up.. anyhow, I enjoy reading your diary. Glad we can relate. :) kessa
from deadinsanity :
Agoraphobia - abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or unescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places. The ironic thing is that last summer, I remember looking up information on it for my mother. It terrifies me how much I'm becoming just like her. And as much as I hate it, I can't fight to change it. I went outside tonight. I had to see my neighbor before she moved back to Korea. But it felt like a dream, unreal. I know I need to find a job.. with health insurance, not only for mental help, but also for my ears. I haven't been able to hear well for almost 2 years. I never went to a doctor to try to get my hearing back. Stupid, I know. 2 days ago while looking in the closet, I found this Youth Service Directory I got in high school. The cover says, "You are never alone." It has listings of Mental Health services and everything from Substance Abuse to Employment Services. Maybe I should take a look at it. Thank you for the offer to try to find some help for me. But, I think my first big goal should be to find a job. Then we'll see what happens after that.
from atsari :
Yeah, cows kill people where I live too. Your description of the rain was gorgeous.
from neurotic-one :
Dear Sweet Jesus, get a guestbook! Your entry was so funny, but I found the humor in things that Double D or is it W didn't mention........Your shopping at the discount stores because Fat Free was 10 cents cheaper and the mayo was 4 for a dollar.........ewwwww, honey, you should go to the Amish stores about here.....the mayo, they still sell mind you, is separated...oil on bottom and white at top! I'd vomit first! Hmmmmm....maybe not, I remember taking a field trip to Gettysburg and for my lunch I packed a cheese sandwich with Helmanns Mayo.....the mayo I found in my Mom's closet and used that. For years I had horror over the bacteria I consumed......I won't even think of why she had it in her closet.....but I read a Dear Abby article years ago where some woman wrote in that her MIL didn't refrigerate her mayo and Abby said it was ok, that she wouldn't die of botulism or something like that. At least that is what I gathered from the article!
from doublew :
They have you covering graduations now? Welcome to my hell. Although, I must admit, that has to be the funniest graduation incident I've heard about in a while. And you do the bar thing by yourself too? At least you have men buying you drinks. Save some money. I wouldn't. No offense. I would probably be the shy guy sipping his beer in the corner. You would be the blonde I mentioned the next day in my bar report, the one between the redhead in the miniskirt and the chain-smoking brunette. And I prefer the spelling "chromosone."
from deadinsanity :
I finally got to reading more of your entries. I think I wrote some of the same stuff earlier today. I've been awake for 40 hours now and I just wrote. Then, I read your short list of "issues," a lot the same. I too have finished the shrinks' sentences and other stuff. I guess because I too don't trust easily, if at all. You have so many accomplishments so far. Kudos for you. I think, wow she's only a year and a half older than me and look what she has to show for it.. even if you are pissed at your job now. The diversity of your skills.... Compared to that alone, I really do feel like "junk mail." But that's just one of my issues. I'm sorry I'm not coherent enough to say more. I wish you luck with you're job and everything else. Take care.
from atsari :
If you think you have plenty of credits they'd take, I say do it.
from atsari :
Hey. I'm about to read your latest posting, but before I did I just wanted to say thanks for the beautiful words you left in my guestbook. That meant a lot. Thank you.
from doublew :
Now I understand why you think miscarriage is such a terrible thing. I've already put my foot in my mouth, so I'm not going to pull my toes out now other to say I've never known someone close to me that's had one. Men "dumb as posts"? Well, to defend man-kind, let me say most women I know self-absorbed snobs more worried about the size of a guy's wallet than his heart. Why you think we drive those SUVs? Ha! I'm not trying to be an asshole, although I am that, just needed to defend the Y chromosone. Love that chromosone.
from nacwolin :
Sorry you had "a day" - hang in there, kid! You are an awesome spirit, and I am glad to "know" ya!!
from neurotic-one :
~Stands up and claps with gusto~ I totally agree with this comment you made in PollyEster's g.b. " I think that "affirmative action" is racism at its best." Doesn't the Minority's realize what a slap in the face it is them to have such a policy in place? Its as if they have come too the same conclusion as these so called Supremacy Groups that feel whites are the elitist of the world and they (the minority) have inferior intellegence in comparison.
from polly-esther :
It sounds like it went well. How often will you be going? I have my appt. next week.
from deadinsanity :
Thank you for listing me in your faves. I've been afraid to "commit" anyone to mine. Soon I'll actually be leaving my house. Scary, but I desperately need a job, so it must be done. What ever I do, will be mindless and draining, but there's no job opportunities that are appealing to me. I bookmarked the Writer's Marker site, I'll have to take a look at that. A few years ago I had a poem of mine published in a shopper's mag called Creations. I think they printed everything that was submitted. Still, it was exciting yet scary to see something of mine in print. Maybe I should try to do something with that. Thanks again for the encouragement.
from doublew :
I'm glad you went to see a shrink. Mine went well also, if you were wondering. I was pretty damn skeptical at first - I depise wishy-washy, feel-good people - but the visits with my therapist actually seem to work. Your life sounds like mine in a way: lonely, bad experiences in journalism, even something of an eating problem (although mine is no where near as bad as your's sounds). As for your message on the environment: Yes, I want to become an environmental reporter. Well, actually a science reporter. And like you, I'm pretty damn skeptical of the standard line that nuke power is bad, or genetically-engineered crops will destroy the enviroment. But get this, even as skeptical as I am, I still am an environmentalist - just another goddamned biased reporter twisting the facts and making people like George W. look bad. As for the miscarriage ó I told you I was an asshole.
from nacwolin :
Sounds like your first meeting went well; I am glad to hear that! I have been swamped, literally, (see my last entry), but it was good to take a break and read your latest entry.
from sixweasels :
I'm still having feefee images - do tell if you ever find out exactly what this means!
from atsari :
Hey, gal. Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad my last note gave encouragement. I wasn't trying to be harsh. I've just been concerned. That really wasn't my initial point of leaving a note now, though. I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your last entry on language and lingo. You had me sitting in the newsroom laughing out loud. (I'm glad no one asked what I was laughing about though... I don't want to share this whole Dland part of my life with co-workers.) As for the men trouble, well, I wish I could say I could relate, but I can't. Men either ONLY want to be my friend or ONLY want to fuck me. Anytime I've found anyone who wants to do both, they never stick around very long or turn out to be jerks. Ah, well. Keep writing. I always enjoy it.
from kateso :
thank you darling for your sweetness. sometimes i wonder how i'd make it without my dland pals to urge me along. i feel lucky to know you! and. baby sale: my mom always says "kate! lets' go buy a baby!" and. i love the term "jump" too. like i jumped it to page 3a or something. weee! journalism is fun!
from polly-esther :
Isn't this whole diaryland thing great? I feel the same way about everyone who said supportive things to me when I wrote about my problems with Matt. There's only one person who I know in "real life" who knows about all that stuff. You and others were so sweet to me, and made me see I'm not a failure. I hope you keep your diary for a long time. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you! 6/12/02 6:47 p.m.
from blueeyesblue :
In the message below, "irrrational" was supposed to be "rational" and "abnormally thin" "NOT abnormally thin." Sorry, it's been a long day. M
from blueeyesblue :
Atsari, I love the pull-quote. It's so easy, when you're an editor, to pull out the sentence that says everything in an article... and not so easy when it's your own life. And although I am not at all ready to be irrational (or "fat," read, "abnormally thin") it is wonderful to know that there are people out there in cyberspace who don't hate me for not being the image I project on a daily basis. You guys are really the impetus -- not my family and my casual friends or even my longtime close friends (who are obligated to love me) who gave me the courage to make the phone call. Thanks Nacwolin, Polly, DoubleW (you cutie), Atsari, Sixweasels, and all... M
from doublew :
If this helps, I'm seeing a shrink for the first time this Wednesday. Not the first time ever, but in at least 4 years. Depression and all that, you know. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, but I can't say its working. As far as the reporter bit: yeah, I feel that way everytime I go out on the town. Usually its kids, since I'm the education reporter. I remember one little kid screaming at his mom "It's the eagle-gazette guy! The eagle-gazette guy!" (My paper is the eagle-gazette). Actually, I've foudn being a reporter is kind of effective because a few people are actually scared of you. I've had one or two abuses of that power over the years.
from atsari :
I think you did the right thing. I'm distrustful too, but.... Please, don't get pissed about what I'm going to say... but this hit me hard: "I had everything -- I was headed for a great college, I was an athlete, a musician and an artist... God, all I needed for the perfect life to unroll before me was to be thinner." Think about that. Girl, it's like polly just said, 115 and 5'4" is not fat. I'm 5'3" and would be happy at 125. I'm not too far over that, and I think I wear what weight have I wear well (fortunately, it's mostly in my chest.) 125, according to my doc, is my ideal weight. Please don't think I'm a bitch. The thing that really pisses me off is every fashion magazine, every modern TV/movie star (what ever happened to our 140 lb. Marilyn Monroe?) I feel I'm being brutal, and if you hate me, so be it. I just really, really enjoy reading your writing ("...break out the super glue."... ???.... gal, that's great.) I think you've got too good a handle on things to let yourself die. You write. You work. You have outlets. But it does happen. Just take care of yourself, love. I'm sure there are plenty of us who'd miss you.
from polly-esther :
I'm just catching up on my diary reading and wanted to say hi. I read the first few sentences of your latest entry, and I think you did today is a good thing. You tell me therapy works if you want it to work. Do you want it to work? A few more thoughts -- you mentioned a while back that before your ED, you were about 115 lbs. For someone 5 ft. 4, that's not fat, my love. Finally, I'm happy that you reading about my relationship with my mother helped you understand your situation better...The similarities are odd... 6/10/02 9:48 p.m.
from nacwolin :
I think you are incredibly brave for making that phone call today. All steps don't have to be huge ones; sometimes it's the baby ones that count for more.
from kateso :
M- Skeet is target shooting, like with rifles and clay pigeons. My dad has been high gun of minnesota for a year now, and i'm sure he'll do it again (winner of state shooting tournament-the title they get.). He's fucking fantastic, despite the fact that he can't read tv guide without his bifocals. i think it's like blind people-he just senses it mentally.
from deadinsanity :
Wow, thank you so much for that note. I found it somewhat ironic that I actually took a small step towards writing today and tonight, I found your note. I made a list of titles for my life. I can see a story in each one. But, my zero self-worth / esteem prevent me from seeing even the smallest shred of talent within myself. Once in a blue moon, it manages to peek out and surprise me. Unfortunately, it quickly vanishes. And speaking of lists, I enjoyed your 100 list : ) I've become a list freak. And maybe, thanks to your kind words, I might actually do something with my list instead of just leaving it among the others. Thank you again.
from made-again :
I was just sort of randomly looking through others' diaries when I came upon yours...I just started my diary--not much there so far...
from kateso :
M- your message brought tears to my eyes. thank you. such kind words from someone i admire--you rock, too.
from nacwolin :
"you WILL make a difference and you DO in those you touch..." Your mom is right! Love to you... ~N
from made-again :
Hi, just wanted to leave a little note. I've read some of your diary. You're a great writer, and I plan to read more. I wish the best of luck to you in everything.
from nacwolin :
Your note to me today in my guestbook made me smile from ear to ear. Thank you, dear M, for your kind words!
from sixweasels :
There are SO many people out there with art in their souls - writers and photographers and music-makers, who never get the chance to share their gift. They end up frustrated, old and bitter, or at the very least just believing they are content with sharing their raw gifts with a few loved ones. You are doing a wonderful thing by providing an outlet for some of those people. This is the stuff that changes lives.
from kateso :
i read your entry, was prepared with a comment, and already people have said the same thing. i admire your skill in writing, your honesty, your unapologetic way of telling who you are. and it makes me like you so much. but i don't want you to hate yourself the way that you do-the way that it manifests itself in you. at the same time, when i read, i don't feel compelled to say "don't do that! let me help!" because i'm too busy being rendered breathless by your ability. but please take care of yourself, at the least i need you reading me to give me advice. ;) and i'd like you to feel healthy, too. in any case. thanks for sharing your words.
from sixweasels :
Nacwolin took the words out of my mouth (or would that be keyboard) about your entry today. What I thought of as I read about "Da Boss" was that this was a man who was surrounded by people and completely alone, and didn't really think of his attachment to you as being lecherous. Things are rarely as innocent as they seem on the surface, but they're often not as dark as people think either.
from doublew :
Mullet? Hell no! You don't want me to end up on J.'s site, do you? Don't answer that. And I loved the most recent entry. Not that there is anything to like about some of the experiences ou have been through, but you're honest and communicate it well. Someday I'll get back to writing real entries.
from nacwolin :
M~ Your entry about the family on the farm is beautiful, poignant, and even haunting. So many facets. There is so much I would like to say about it, but I am not sure this is the right place...
from sixweasels :
It doesn't make it better, but I wanted to tell you that you explain your feelings - the whys (or the "there are no concrete whys") of self-destructive tendencies, perhaps better than anyone I've ever seen try to say something similar. I hurt for you and feel for you, but am also awed by your strength and your gift for words. I wonder if most people who have as much insight as you do find therapy a sort of redundant exercise?
from nacwolin :
You latest entry really made me think, and hurt for you. For what its worth, and that might not be much, I am here if you need a sounding board. There probably isn't a thing I can do, but I feel compelled to tell you that. You can e-mail me at nacwolin@hotmail.com.
from atsari :
Hey, thanks for the message about the co-workers. It made me giggle, and I needed that. I hate to say stay away from booze altogether, but if you're alone and can't stop after a drink or two.... well, not to sound bitchy or naggy... but if that's the case booze is a bad idea. Not that I can really talk though. Be good to yourself. You've got too much talent to waste.
from doublew :
Stay away from the booze. I recognize the irony. The drunk leading the drunk. But the truth is the shit is not worth losing your life over. Not by a long shot. "Shot" isn't the right word for this situation, but you know what I mean. I'm tryin' to be helpful and I'm still a smartass. And you wonder why I'm single. Then again, no you don't.
from sixweasels :
I know what you mean about waking up and realizing you're lucky you did. It has been a while since I've done that, but I haven't forgotten the fear. Hope today is better.
from kateso :
uh, yeah, its also a really sick compulsion where i do fear asphyxiation, after all, it's the best way i express myself.....perfectionism is another sick compulsion i have...which i am sure you can appreciate---most writers can...right on, m. thank you for your kind words.
from sixweasels :
OK, you asked. A "floater" is when some not-so-considerate person leaves leftovers in the toilet - as in it all doesn't go down when they flush, and is just sort of "floating" there when you go to use the bathroom. One of the joys of working in a well-traveled building, I guess.
from atsari :
I haven't read your diary in a few days. I still haven't started the 100 list, but I wanted to say: 1) Hi. 2) I noticed you listed me in your favorite diaries. I really hope you didn't feel obligated to do that just because I listed you, but thanks all the same. 2) Re: "I fought the quark" -- this cracked me up. I can so relate. I had tears you had me laughing so hard. (Though at the time I know it was no laughing matter and I can feel your pain.) 3) I hope you get that press pass and can dance around with strangers, your notepad and camera; 4) Your entry about Memorial Day was beautiful. It really was. Thanks for writing that. I wish everyone would read it.
from polly-esther :
What you wrote to me was so flattering, because I feel the same way about you. And you're right, I do feel lost in the crowd when I'm with my family...About the bank robbery, I think I'll write an entry about it. I've been thinking about it since the incident at the ATM last weekend, but until you mentioned it, I didn't realize that both things happened at banks. I just thought about how I was a "victim" both times, although I hate the word "victim" because it sounds so pitiful. And if you do make it out to LV again, I hope you'd let me know.
from sixweasels :
I think my biggest D-land peeve is the guestbook freaks. The ones who leave messages like "Hi!" so they can have a link to their "cockroachesarecute.com" site or whatever in your guest book. Not diary links, just dumb stuff. Plucks my nerves because I'm an attention-craving Leo who gets all excited over a guest book entry only to find out someone wants me to visit their site and buy teddy bears or whatever. I want good reads, not sales pitches. Boy, I am a whiner today.
from kateso :
dude i'd so be your intern. i'm a huge fan. and delia's catalogue sells days of the week undies too, usually.
from blueeyesblue :
Thanks, Polly and Nacwolin!!! You made my day. (My mother told me they don't make them anymore. But she's still recovering from the fit I threw at 6 when I lost Thursday.) I shall have to check out N's suggestion -- I've never hear of it, BUT IF THE UNDIES EXIST I SHALL FIND THEM. -- The Crusader
from thintowin :
Thanks for the advice on the TMJ(?) thing. It is feeling better and I have been cracking the heck out of it. It actually seems to be in place again. Maybe it was just swollen? Who knows. Nice diary btw. :)
from nacwolin :
I loved reading your 100 list! And if you have Kohl's where you live, they used to carry those weekday undies that you talked about. Oh, and I am honored that you added me to your faves list. I love reading your journal - you are an amazingly gifted writer.
from polly-esther :
I have days of the week underwear. I used to wear them on the right days, but that didn't last long. I lost Thursday. I can't figure out how that could happen. It still perplexes me.
from polly-esther :
I'm sending you a big hug. I figure a "virtual" hug is better than a real one since you don't like to be touched, right? :) I'd be your intern if I could. But since i can't, I'll be your first groupie, your fan. You kick ass, really. DOn't be sad.
from kateso :
thanks for your very generous message about my story. i appreciate it; especially coming from someone's writing that i admire so much.
from sixweasels :
Pet leaches! I've never actually seen a leach, but I saw a movie with them in it once and had nightmares about them for a week. Oh, and just wanted to tell you I live my dream career vicarously through your journal entries!
from polly-esther :
Oooh...I love your note-sending idea. Now i just need to figure out her address...
from polly-esther :
I saw the note you left in atsari's diary. How dare you cheat on me! Just kidding. About the HTML/guestbook issue...On the me menu column to the left, under other stuff, it says "Add a guestbook." If I can do it, I know you definitely can figure it out.
from polly-esther :
Thanks for your message. I envy people who have normal parents. BTW, I keep thinking I wished I lived near you so I could work on the paper with you. Not that you need my help, since I don't know how to do much, but something about the way you talk about it makes me want to be a part of it.
from jaggedmoon :
Thanks, I'll try that. I've been going through motions that are similar. I sat out with friends last night after taking a long walk through one of Austin's natural areas. I've been drinking a lot of tea, probably eating too much chocolate. It looks silly on paper. He was a foreign exchange student, I knew he was leaving, I loved him anyway. Set myself up for hurt. But he was perfect for the time, the emotional state I was in. And there are so many ways to part that are so much worse. In a few days I'll be able to feel nothing but gratitude for the few weeks we had, but now... now is certainly the time for hot tea and silent reflection. Thank you for your understanding.
from atsari :
I agree with kateso. It's not a step down. I really liked what you had to say about community. I cover hard news (though I do lots of over types of stories too) but I do it at my hometown paper. People always ask why I don't move on because the pay here is notoriously bad, and much worse than a nearby newspaper in the city where I live (I commute into my hometown each day.) I may move on eventually, but this is where I grew up. It feels good to be working and writing here. As for the note you left me, thanks. I guess I got off-track a little with books. It's not about the books. I was searching for the right words. I don't want to say "intellectual elitism" but maybe that's it. What I was getting at with the nose in the book thing was less about the books and more about living in a world of theories. Lots of talk, but nothing really more than talk. An inability to see the day to day world for what it is because perceptions are so mired in scholastics. Does that make sense? Really, I'm more an academic at heart than a reporter. But I'm also a Libra, so balance is a theme of my life. The $30,000 a year elitism part... well, I guess that all boils down to where you went to school. Cheers!
from neurotic-one :
Whatever it is a person chooses to do, it should be done with faith and true conviction. Who cares if your not doing "hard news" and they feel superior to you. You are your own boss......you have control (at least in the areas your able to report from) over the thunderbolt of knowledge you bestow upon your readers. I personally think thats cool. At first, I thought, ugh...'a weekly shopper', what could be exciting about that, but then I thought about how you have the ability to influence, without having an editor removing portions of the news just to make it more sensational.
from kateso :
hey. i think what you're doing is great; not a waste, and not a "step down". you're covering your community, the whole point of journalism. and you're transforming a paper...of course there will be resistance...lots of people don't like change. but those of us who don't need people like you. so hang in there, and don't see leaving 'hard news' as a failure. you're doing what you're good at now, which is more important than daily news. reporters really can get such an inflated sense of self...
from atsari :
You didn't estrange me. That's for sure. I appreciate education, but it doesn't necessarily make people smarter. In fact, it can have the opposite effect. I love to read. Value books. But they can only teach so much. Walk around with your nose in a book too long, and you're going to go SPLAT right into a lamp post or something. Someone should quote you on your line about the populace being junk mail. Great stuff!
from polly-esther :
I feel the same way about education. I sucked at school, I hated it, but that doesn't mean I'm a moron. I know many people with graduate degrees who aren't particularly smart. A degree really doesn't mean anything. I know someone who's getting a PhD in journalism, but has never worked at a paper and has no idea what he's talking about. (I wonder if you hung out with this guy last night?) Most people are clueless about the function of the media, and we get blamed for all the evils in the world. Ignorance is so rampant...It pisses me OFF!
from nacwolin :
Dear M - thank you for your note. And I want you to know that as a "woman of faith" I would not frown upon you. My heart goes out to you...not in a condescending way; please don't take that statement as such. You strike me as a strong woman, yet down deep a little girl who just wants to be accepted (and yes, even loved) for who you are. And that is the part that I relate to, because I am much the same. The things that were done to you as a child, you didn't deserve that. Just in case no one has ever said so, you didn't! Take care.
from atsari :
Wow! Your diary continues to amaze me. I especially liked the part about the egg. Please don't ever quit writing! You're so good at it. I think I've become a regular reader of your diary now.
from neurotic-one :
Ah, can you tell I'm a wee bit obsessive? Any how I was reading about A.M. Squid and got to remembering about a column they 'use' to run in our small town newspaper. I can't remember the name of it, but people would either call in or send mail and it would be published. It was totally UN Letter's To The Editor because you didn't have to leave your name and it usually consisted of nit picky type complaints anywhere from your next door neighbor to the Mayor and City Government. I loved reading it and when they removed that column I stopped purchasing their paper because it just wasn't worth paying 50 cents for! Ah, remembered the name! Sound Off!!!!
from neurotic-one :
Geez, forgot......I'm so honored! You write for the here comes the sun......
from neurotic-one :
Wow! Your favorite book is the Giving Tree?!? I love that book.......I cry half way through it ALL THE TIME. My son always wants me to read that book so he can see me cry. My other favorite is The Velveteen Rabbit. When he becomes real I cry my heart out. But Vinnie doesn't quite understand why it is I'm crying. I'm sure when he is older and reading that book to his own children, it will then register with him why it was I cried. I wrote you an message, but it was sent back stating it was unable to deliver it. Hmmmmm... so now I'm left with no choice but to post it here. Although I was happy you had this forum available so I could let you know about my French. OMg! Don't think me queer, but I'm sucked into your diary! I love you. "The essence of M is that I see everything too vividly and feel it too hard. " I know exactly what you mean! By the way......I flunked French in College.......I missed 3 classes....we only met once a week......I went in, sat down and the Professor asked me a question.....in French of course....I riffed through my book, looked up with a smile and ask him if he wanted my response Formal or informal......he took me for the smart ass I was and said.....anyway you know how! I laughed and walked out of his class for good. But I do love the language.....I had 5 years of Latin and the only good it did me was make me good at the New York Time's crossword puzzle!
from atsari :
Hey, just read your last entry. Wow! I sort of felt like I was peering directly into your past, which would be awkward, except you invited me (us, whoever reads it) in. Kudos for telling your mom to do something for herself.
from atsari :
I'll echo polly-esther: girl, get a guestbook. By the way, I've got one too. The notes are fine and cool, but I find myself having to go back and forth between notes and my guestbook to find what people wrote to me. All the same, thanks for the note. It was good to hear from you. Can't remember if I've complimented you on your writing or not, yet? If not, let me do it now. I've meant too. I read what someone else just wrote about how passionately you write. You do. Keep up the good work.
from nacwolin :
I have been reading your journal (found it through sixweasels) and your writing is intense, passionate, and intriguing. Your life is so different from mine, yet I find myself drawn to your writing, as if I might have taken the same path under different circumstances. Keep writing - you have a gift.
from nacwolin :
I have been reading your journal (found it through sixweasels) and your writing is intense, passionate, and intriguing. Your life is so different from mine, yet I find myself drawn to your writing, as if I might have taken the same path under different circumstances. Keep writing - you have a gift.
from atsari :
Hey, me again. Bizarre! Did you ever figure out what caused your mouth to turn gray? I mean, I'm sure you were just sick of the whole ordeal and ready to move on. Personally, though, I'm of the type that can't stand to let a mystery go unsolved. What's frustrating is when they are unsolvable. By the way, I'm the Little Prince.
from atsari :
Hey, thanks for the note. I've been reading your diary some too. I like it. You're a good writer. Good news is it must've been the pizza because I feel a whole heck of a lot better today. Take care and keep writing, Atsari
from polly-esther :
Just finished reading your entry. Did you ever find out what was wrong? Sounds horrific!
from polly-esther :
I'm Curious George.
from polly-esther :
Girl, get a guestbook. Anyway, yeah, I hear your point. But look at it this way. Would it be wrong to arrest a black man for hitting on a white woman? Yes, of course. Just insert any oppressed group in there and you'll see how insane that law is. Gay, straight, Asian, whatever. We all deserve the right to be protected under the US Constitution! And by the way, you kick ass too. :)
from jaggedmoon :
Now that school's out I won't update very regularly. Just a shitty dial-up, AOL account at home which I am loathe to use often. Must say that only part of your last note was understandable with my rudimentary French, but thank you for doing it. I've been happily puzzling over it for a few days now. Abrupt jump to different topic. I've never understood eating disorders. But then, my mom was wise enough to instill a deep love of food, the preparation and eating of it if not the cleaning up after. There is so much joy to be had from a perfectly browned quiche or pasta that comes out al dente every time. It is an art, there for the honing. And appreciation, the training of the palate. But then, I suppose it's just a personal like or dislike. I can't enjoy the finer aspects of ball-centered sports or hardcore metal noise. Really, I don't know where I was going with this. Other than... well, I can understand your dislike for the methods used to produce the mass amounts of food this country presumes it needs. But there are options open that don't include dumping the whole food idea altogether, which I know you know. And so, to avoid becoming overly preachy and jamming my foot farther down my gullet, I'll stop here. Peace, love, and free-range eggs.
from polly-esther :
My god...36 pages and you never uesd Quark?! I think it would take me 36 hours to do one page. I never really learned either.
from hungerbites :
I've been a bit... distracted... lately and so haven't had the chance yet to respond to the note you left on my diary. In particular to the comment "If I was a recovering heroin addict and you were thinking of trying heroin, would you listen to me? ", as regards the eating disorder. To which I have to say not only "Are you really recovering?" because it seems doubtful from having read your diary, but also "Did you even read anything I wrote?". If you did read my diary properly you will see that your comment is not really of much relevance, which ought to be important to you considering your apparent wish to write. I am neither the person trying to recover from an eating disorder, nor the person thinking of starting one. I have an eating disorder, I am eating disordered and this has been the case for many years. Rethink our situations. If you were a recovering herion addict and I was a herion addict, would I listen to you? Of course not. I'd be too high on herion, as well you know. My diary is not there for the purpose of scaring you, and if it does so I suggest you (along with choosing to read something else) take a look at yourself and where your eating disorder and your thinking has taken you, rather than where mine is taking me. We do not actually share the same birthday - I was born on the 15th, you on the 14th. And not to worry, you sound like neither nutritionist or shrink.
from odalisk :
hello. I just read through a bit of your journal & really enjoyed it. If you are even half as tough as you sound you are probably made of leather....I'm impressed. I took a class a few years back that dealt with EDs, and although it may not be very useful to you (the class was called 'symbol and symptom' and it was about the development of writing more than anything else) the prof. had an interesting way of looking at EDs. She pointed out that EDs began appearing at about the same time that hysteria began to disappear which coincides just about exactly with the time when a lot of scientific discoveries about the mechanics of reproduction were taking place. Long ago, just before victorian era about, it was generally believed that women were excessively sexual and therefore dangerous whereas men were thought to be more cerebral. All of a sudden it turns out that women produce 1 egg a month and men are churning out sperm by the billion. Everybody had to revise their opinions; suddenly men were sexual & women frigid. Instead of trying to suppress the supposedly raging sexuality of western women (resulting in hysteria) women's sexuality began to be encouraged (resulting in anorexia/bulemia). Anyway, her analysis was much more complex & full-bodied but basically she tried to boil down EDs to a response to attempts to force or prod a woman's sexuality to go in a direction she doesn't want it to go. Anorexia, for example, eliminates secondary sexual characteristics: breasts, hips, menstruation. Anyway, I don't know if this strikes a chord with you, or sounds interesting or somehow on the ball, but maybe it will help you think or something. I've binged & vomited a couple of times, but never regularly, so although I can relate a real ED is pretty foreign to me. Cheers.
from polly-esther :
I want to say something about your latest entry, but I can't formulate anyting appropriate. I'm not judging you. But. Here's the deal: You aren't fat. Hopefully something inside you knows that. Thanks for the happy birthday wishes...Same to you too, by the way.
from judyg :
Hello, just thought I'd see what you write about in your diary since you took the time to read mine and leave me a message. Isn't it amazing the way we can read people's personal diaries? I never had anything like this when I was a kid or even your age. When I was your age I'd already worked in a nursing home, been a travelling nurse aide, gotten married, and had two babies. I always wanted to be a writer. Still do.
from polly-esther :
OK, you convinced me. I take it back!
from polly-esther :
An affair -- NOT a good idea. You can make the paper succeed w/o doing that.
from polly-esther :
So you liked the website? Yeah, it's pretty funny, if I do say so myself. I wrote all the captions and matt did the design. We both took the photos. But I'm bored with it now. I can't believe you never knew what mullets were! Well, you learned something new today.
from polly-esther :
I was wondering how it went today. Sounds hectic, but it sounds like you love what you're doing.
from kateso :
one: congratulations. two: you sound totally prepared and confident, and that's great. three: kick that girl's ass. four: what a great rant.
from kateso :
ha. i laugh in the face of PR. i'd only take an internship in PR if I had no other source of income... :) hey. i even wrote a story last semester for the daily paper in st. paul, and usually the pr dept here posts all articles about the university...and mine didn't get posted, despite the fact that it made front page. apparently, i wasn't rah-rah enough for them. hee hee hee....evil giggles...
from jaggedmoon :
You like My Side of the Mountain? I just saw that. I lived in that book. Aside from the Chronicles of Narnia, that was my absolute favorite growing up. That just added about two hundred acres to our common ground, because when I was young books were my best friends. Living in Paris sounds alluring, but I don't know how long I'd be able to. There are places in Southwest France that sound lovely, close enough to the countryside. As much as I enjoy the conveniences and bustle of city life, I'm really a country girl at heart. Open sky, big garden, sweet hay with the wire that stings when you throw the bale. If I could work on a horse farm there I'd be pretty content. For the moment.
from doublew :
Jesus! Why you have to go and do something like put me in you favorites list? It's terrible on my low self-esteem. And I can certainly throw those attempts at humility out the window. Just kidding! I'll return the favor, and not just because you put me on your list. Yes, I do read your diary regularly, although I rarely reply to it. Just the way I am. And about the "liberal" thing - yeah, I'm a liberal, but being New Age has nothing to do with it. Hell, that New Age shit, for all its craziness, isn't nearly as terrible at the "faith-healing" these conservatives do.
from jaggedmoon :
Thanks, I guess we have more in common than I thought, you enjoying farm labor and whatnot. I have a difficult time living without it. I'd gone without seeing a single horse for months when I first moved to Austin and nearly went out of my mind. Your writing style is interesting. Journalistic, but not entirely stripped. That may be because you're writing for yourself though. Hm. Any thoughts of reporting in France? Their style is completely different, loopy rather than clean. But I'm sure you know about that. And your trouble with Gopnik... it seems that you were looking for different things, you wanted different pieces of Paris. He wanted a clean, beautiful place to raise a family; you wanted the hidden, taboo part, the dangerous places that spin great stories. Makes perfect sense to me. Perhaps when you are his age you'll agree with him. And perhaps you won't. But if your professional work is half as good as your diary, it's only a matter of time.
from polly-esther :
I'm glad you liked my cover letter. Thanks! I think I'll play around with it and send it in a day or two. About your ethical dilemma...I see nothing wrong with getting info. from him, and feeding it to someone else. It would be really wrong to write it yourself, but you know that. But whether or not you should tell him what you're up to...that's up to you. It depends on whether or not you get real, usable info. from him to give to the editor to use in a story (like quotes)or if you are just seeking background info from him that wouldn't have direct attribution. Does that make sense?
from kateso :
i'm kicking your ass further in the right direction. i totally understand this stress business--i'm completely busy right now too, so i'm offering my support in the form of: will you marry me? just kidding! maybe it will brighten your day to know that i added you as a favorite, maybe it won't. but i love your stuff.
from polly-esther :
I'm digging the life story thing you got going...Somehow i found myself reading the diary of soon2bskinny. I never realized there are girls out there who are pro-anorexia. There's someone else who is ana4life or something like that...I started to write a guestbook message to one of them, but I knew it would be taken the wrong way. These girls think anorexia is some wonderful thing and don't seem to see any reason to modify their behavior. One of them has a whole page of quotes from the book "Wasted," about an anorexic/bulimic which I read. The book is about how her life became totally fucked up because of her eating disorders. And they're treating it like a study guide. I don't know... I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, I'm just a little shocked.
from polly-esther :
Ahhh...Small town politics. The general perception is that if a reporter is disliked by sources, the reporter is doing something right. I don't really agree with that. You can be liked and, more importantly, RESPECTED by sources even if you're slamming them (if it's deserved). So just because they like you doesn't mean you're "in" with them. I try to keep sources at an arm's length, professional only, because I've found things can get messy if they become friends. But that's just me. It sounds like you're getting chances to do some different stuff...Being busy is good, don't you think?
from kateso :
i wanted to let you know i really really enjoy your diary. i enjoy your frankness coupled with description. good stuff. :)
from kateso :
wow. thank you so much, paper's due tomorrow though, so...i found some stuff...not exactly what i was hoping for, but you make do. please do keep stopping by...that was an incredibly sweet offer. i know i'll be by to read as soon as this school stuff dies down...or i decide to procrastinate again...kicking myself in ass now....thankyou thankyou.
from polly-esther :
CONGRATS on your job! Maybe that will help you more than therapy or medication...I think try to imagine people naked too. Like you, it usually happens when I'm stuck someplace, like a courtroom, with lots of downtime. But then I can't get the visual out of my mind and it freaks me out when I'm talking to someone face to face and I'm picturing him orgasaming. My CyberSitter software probably will block that word out. It starts with an O. Anyway...a long long time ago, when I was stuck working weekends in Pennsylvania, I had to cover this thing at a farm called the Farm to Table tour. I'd never been on a farm before (and not since) but this was actually cool. I cant remember exactly what they did, but it was high tech genetic or biotech stuff. Before that, I never realized tourists went to farms.
from polly-esther :
I've felt that way too...Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to live it. Do you think you would benefit from therapy? You're right, anonimity is a good thing, but I have an insatiable curiosity about people I find intriuging. Doesn't everyone?
from jaggedmoon :
I sailed through Paris to the Moon. In fact, I've made the trip numerous times. His take on the interactions, the little things in everyday life are what I found the most interesting. I knew a Parisien and found much of him in those pages. I've only visited Paris once as part of a paternally-organized postcard tour through Europe, so I can't really say that I've been there. I loved what I saw though, and reading his book brought back the snippets I managed to collect. His writing style impressed me greatly, though being a young, impressionable ex-smallville-dwelling Texan, that's hardly a compliment. I don't know about having anything in common. I'm 19, living in Austin, attending UT as a Theatre and Dance major, considering a minor in print journalism. Or French. Or Classics. Truth is I've no idea, but some time to figure it out. Thanks for leaving the note, it's the first I've gotten from someone I didn't know already.
from oldhippie :
hey, blue... send me an email... i'm not sure i understood the note you left...
from doublew :
Right back at you. An "interesting social phenonmenon"? And yes, I spelled the last word wrong. Call them whatever. I guess I just know too many of them personally. I like the diary, by the way. At the risk of pissing you off, I'm drawn to others who bitch about life in general. I'm familar with the territory. And, good lord, don't smoke in bed. Not tobacco anyway.
from polly-esther :
My god...Be careful, girl. If anything happened to you, I'd never know. I'd just wonder why you stopped updating your journal. Good advice about keeping that stuff in the trunk. Why am I bummed, you ask? Mainly because i see things going on at work that I don't approve of, because I think my sense of ethics is stronger than my editors (the hearing i missed notwithstanding...)I think it's awesome that you quit b/c you saw bias in the editors. i wish i had the guts to do that, but I don't. I'll be moving soon, so I'll be leaving anyway, but that doesn't make it easier to get up every morning...
from polly-esther :
Hey, Thanks for the note in my guestbook. I'm hooked on your diary and I look forward to reading more! By the way...why don't you have a guestbook? I was going to e-mail you, but I guess you'll find this. I put you on my "favorites" list. Don't you feel honored?! Heh heh.
from wingsofgrace :
thanks for the compliments, but I don't live in vermont. the vermont ring is actually done by a friend of mine who doesn't have a gold membership (which allows a person to host a ring)-sorry for the confusion. I've never been to vermont and as in my story, the events took place in Indiana. :) Currently, I'm in Arizona.
from sexfiendgirl :
Hey there. You don't have to e-mail me to join the diaryring. You just click "join diaryring" and you're in! Just go to the diaryring list for my ring and join. It's really easy. If you're still having trouble leave me a note and I'll see what I can do to help! :)

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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