messages to chakra-nadi:
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from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know. I was pretty sure it was something like that.
from i-am-jack :
I miss those cloves so much. The brown ones with the sugar paper? I had no idea you could buy them online legally. Not that I can have them anymore with my lungs, but that makes me happy that you can still get them, even if it is expensive. I am the same way with alarm clocks. The worst is waking up only minutes before it goes off. Like 2 or 3 minutes. I find that ring tones that sound like birds are the least stressful, it feels pretend natural, but there isn't a way to make having to get up and have an alarm not suck and be stressful.
from moodswing :
omg you get real cloves? I'm still trying to quit, and it's working off and on.. but the thought of real cloves is almost as much of a dream as those flavored camel's that came in a tin back in 2005
from i-am-jack :
Good luck with eating better. It really is a journey.
from i-am-jack :
It probably is, now that it's just another industry selling things to people that can pay the price. What really gets me is how your insurance (or lack of) controls what treatment and medications you can have. Why even make the cure if no one can afford it? If the pissy insurance companies won't cover it? It also really gets me when they so nice until they find out they don't take your insurance. It really is all about money.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry she treated you like that. It's bad enough she interrogated you like that, but with the door wide open,damn. She definitely broke the Hippa law. Oh the medical industry is definitely not our friend, especially if you are low income. It's not helping people anymore. I think things are backsliding and more and more. I think the life expectancy is going to start going down for everyone except the rich and the people with the best top shelf insurance.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry that you don't have a dimmer switch and aren't able to moderate. Sugar is especially hard, because of the way our brains are wired from the hunter gatherer days when it was scarce. Fats too. It really does suck that everything that we love, is bad for us. I used to eat almost all carbs and a lot of sugar. I miss it. I dream of binge eating. I used to binge on cereal pretty bad, as well as pasta and rice, and just over ate everything else I loved. I don't gain weight as fast as most people, I can get away with a lot there. But as you get older, it gets harder to lose and we have health problems to worry about. Hell if I could eat like I was a teenager/20 something again, I sure would. I suggest taking it slowly, even if takes a few years to lessen or eliminate certain foods from your diet. It's too much do it it all at once. It also really helps to have a cheat day each week. That way it's not like you can never have it again, and when you do, it tastes even better. That's one thing I noticed about dieting, it makes everything, even your every day food, taste better once you are not overstimulating sweet and salty all the time.
from moodswing :
What a fucking bizarre way to follow that up. I've never had anyone do that, except maybe a "are you sexually active/ what contraception do you use" separate question.
from i-am-jack :
Also as for losing weight, cutting sugar and refined white carbs, seems to work the fastest. Supposedly you only need to cut your regular calorie intake by 500 calories a day, to start losing weight.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry she put you through all those personal questions instead of just believing you. It's probably more that they are afraid of getting sued if someone like your old neighbor didn't know they were pregnant and the baby got harmed, so they ask every question they can think of. Still I can imagine that was pretty invasive, just for a foot X ray.
from i-am-jack :
I can imagine! He is living stream of consciousness and as you said a slam poet. I can see how it would be both fascinating and exhausting.
from i-am-jack :
Wow your friend is a trip.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I am sorry about your foot. That sounds excruciating. I hope they can do something for it. It sounds really bad. It's scary how fast foot stuff can escalate. That is fucked up about your friend telling you that. It sounds like you are his confessional and therapist. I wouldn't know what to say either. My sister was in the exact same boat as you for a long time. She had all these people that only used her for a therapist, every time they talked. Complete strangers at jobs and stuff would gravitate to her and use her for therapy. It was weird. Maybe you are also a therapy magnet.
from moodswing :
...more blanket
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the reassurance. I was starting to worry you were about ready to chuck everyone and everything, and I was part of the chaff. I knew it wasn't personal or only me, but I was afraid I had lost you as a friend. I read the email last night before going to bed. It made me feel better to hear from you at all, though it was worrisome and sad. You don't have to apologize for feeling how you feel.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. There are so many things that have died, it's been weighing on me too. Maybe you are going through a dark night of the soul.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are not adjusting/doing well. Everything really is fucked up and way too expensive. Even around here, the amount of people and entire families begging on corners has exploded. Some are just trying to hustle, but I see a lot of truly depressed, desperate people out there. Even in my dad's old neighborhood, there are now beggars and bag people walking around and it used to be like Mayberry almost. It's scary and sad. I just got lucky with my living situation too. Even if I wanted to leave it, there's nowhere I could afford to live that would be any better, just the same or worse neighborhood wise. I have been missing more "innocent" or at least less fucked up times too.
from i-am-jack :
Ha ha, damn!
from i-am-jack :
PS: That song is stuck in my head now! ;^D
from i-am-jack :
Ha ha, I love your painting. I think it's funny. Especially how Stepfordian and chipper she is, despite being all beat up and missing an eye, which by the way is creepy as hell the way you painted it. In a good way. I'm glad you didn't listen to the voices and just painted anyway.
from i-am-jack :
Your husband trying to help reminds me of when my friend was visiting. I had to tell him to just let me take care of things like the dishes, because I had a certain way of doing things. It drove me crazy and gave me anxiety when I would hear him in the other room, cleaning or doing something. He wants to help but is in a big bubble and doesn't put things back where they go or even seem to have any awareness.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that is a special kind of fucked up. It sounds like they were both fucked in the head and got their jollies vandalizing the place. That or they were total mental patients living in their own shit. That is way worse than I imagined when you said they trashed it, I was expecting the usual total trash renters level of destroyed. Why did they have to destroy a house like that and fuck over a nice person like that? They deserve to live in a moldy apartment crawling with bugs where nothing works in the worst part of town. They'd be happier than pigs in shit, but at least they couldn't make it any worse.
from i-am-jack :
I watched some of it when you sent it to me, but was getting motion sick from how they were moving the camera, so I never kept watching it. But it was really interesting. Some of those UE videos make me motion sick if they move the camera around too fast. Anyway, I do feel you, even though I wasn't there for the journey. That stuff makes me beyond soul crushingly angry. I would have to turn it off. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. People really don't give a shit about anything but money and themselves. I wonder why trash like that even moved in there if they didn't appreciate it and they don't even deserve some cheap bland austerity apartment.
from i-am-jack :
Wow you did a really good job on them! That's crazy that the heart took 6 hours but it came out really good.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I have been MIA, it has been a hell of a month and a few weeks. It's pretty much been the summer of trials and tribulations for me, and I am not in a good place. I love your T shirt art though. Did you draw the heart? The second one looks like a capybara and a tiger mixed. It's cute.
from i-am-jack :
I am right there with you. You can only keep your head and spirits above it all for so long until it takes you down.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, me too. Maybe she can snap me out of my funk a little. We are a two years apart but are like twins connection wise. We used to tell people we were.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. Me too. She will be here for a few weeks. I'm not the only one she's visiting, but she wants to see me, more than once if she can. It's been years. She moved to GA in 2017, maybe 2016.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. Sometimes they have family visit, but usually only for one day/night. I have no idea why they have been staying longer. They were outside fucking around still at 11pm. I put on my ear muffs for a couple hours and the second I took them off, they started again. The idea of finding a cabin or something sounds good, but you are probably right. This time of year it's probably all night beer and fireworks parties. And screaming kids. My sister is visiting most of this month, so I am not going anywhere. It's a thought though. I like your idea that it would be a good way for me to try out living in the country and being there alone at night.
from i-am-jack :
I swear, we summoned the screamons by talking about them. The house next door, the one right under my window, has been some kind of Lord of the Flies birthday bash the last two nights. I hope this isn't my life for the rest of the summer. I have no idea how long the extras will be staying, where they came from or why they only come out at night.
from i-am-jack :
Oh the kids on the other side of the house used to stand on their swings and just scream. They'd have contests, just scream together. They are all grown now, but people are so prolific around here there is always a fresh batch and it's only getting louder and louder over the years. Also the other kids taught the half feral girl how to scream and praised her for it. So yeah... I know even if I move somewhere quieter, there will always be trigger sounds from living here, for the rest of my life too.
from i-am-jack :
*a lot of typos Damn retrograde. And I was trying to be more careful.
from i-am-jack :
It's funny, I have been typing too fast and making or typos or just kind of incoherent mistakes too lately. Glad I'm not the only one. The funny thing is I didn't notice until you corrected it.
from i-am-jack :
My parents were pretty fucked up, but at least they did some things right. The whole "You'll thank me later" thing. I actually think things have come a long way since we were kids in that kids are actually seen as human beings and talking is part of discipline. Rather than fear me and respect me out of fear, you little shit head. However the total hands off approach so many around here have is wrong too. They just run wild and scream. I see little little kids running around with no parents in sight. The little girl next door seemed half feral and communicated in screeches and screams for a long time. She could talk a little, but no one encouraged her to use her words and she just loves screaming anyway. It's not my business, but at the same time, I am surrounded by it like a TV running in every room, all the time. I have been an old crank most of my life, but I am definitely sounding like one more and more and I am getting it, but wishing I didn't.
from i-am-jack :
Exactly. Once my sister let out a blood curdling scream when we were playing and my dad came running. He was pissed and said to never do that again and told us the story of the boy who cried wolf. Inside, my parents didn't put up with temper tantrums either and we got put in our rooms until we calmed down. Hell around here there is so much screaming and it's so normal no one would ever know if someone was hurt or being kidnapped. We really do raise our cats better than they raise their kids. And yeah being shot up in a car, doesn't sound like a good way to go.
from i-am-jack :
The parents tuning it out pisses me off. I realized I don't want to slap the kid, I want to punch the parents. Back when we were kids, that shit didn't fly. Parents actually raised their kids and didn't let them scream and do whatever they want. My ass would have been beaten if I acted like that. Now a days, once the kid isn't an infant anymore, it's hands off for the parents. People raise dogs better than kids. The parents around here are the worst. They are so irresponsible. You really should make the poem into spoken word. Ha ha, no thanks on the bank. Though if there was a way to hack the lottery, that would be tempting.
from i-am-jack :
Yes, our forever homes.
from i-am-jack :
My family used (and still uses) humor to deal with shit too. Well not my mom, but my dad, me and my siblings. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. That is the exact same shit that gets to me too. I admit I kind of laughed at the part where the kid just shut up and stopped screaming. I hate listening to them screaming into the void too, while their parents ignore them and don't care. I have yelled and screamed some pretty fucked up shit in the house and out the window too. So I totally get how it just breaks you down. You are past the point of it getting to you. They scream, you scream, I scream. Why the fuck not? Also I really liked your poem, that was intense. I'd love to hear that as spoken word slam poetry. It's kind of uncanny that not having any fun anymore has been on my mind a lot too. I hope you find a way to feel better.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope we can both get out of the dirty city.
from i-am-jack :
As for people caring, there are a few left, but we seem to be outnumbered and it's not easy being one of them when no one else gives a shit.
from i-am-jack :
I have never lived in the country and yet those kind of homesick songs get me every time, because I have felt that way since I can remember. I have this fantasy of driving off into the sunset, finally getting home, playing Country Roads Take Me Home, but it won't be sad because that's exactly what's happening.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah I found it. I think everyone on this site has left themself a note on accident. I know I have.
from i-am-jack :
I wouldn't put it past them to try. I don't blame you for not wanting to get too invested/attached. That's funny that you are "too scary". Hopefully they will think so and leave you alone.
from i-am-jack :
Some people just care too much/like/love too hard and that's us.
from chakra-nadi :
As far as the garden goes, it's just too bad, but I am taking the lesson I learned in Roch and trying to apply it forward, which is not to get too invested where I live, especially when it comes to nature and plants. My brother is going to "pay" for the landscaping, but it's really just money left to him from the estate to do work on the house, not his earned money. My dad was really good about things like that. Still, I asked and my brother said OK, so that was nice. I would hope that now that we live here and it's not sitting empty people wouldn't try to dig up plants right in front of me. But, weirder things have happened. Good thing I'm so scary, though, maybe that will keep people away. heh.
from i-am-jack :
Story of my life!
from i-am-jack :
It's probably for the best. Imagine if you put all this work in and they stole the plants again and anything else you didn't chain down. Even in my dad's old neighborhood, back when it was like Mayberry, someone stole my mom's wooden windmill and those things were expensive. My dad made a cement slab for the next one she bought and that one survived. He really didn't think that would be necessary but people are assholes.
from i-am-jack :
That's sad, but at the same time good that you are admitting that you are in over your head, and like you said, putting your energy somewhere else toward things you really want to do. That was nice of your brother to offer to pay to have it cleaned up, then at least you don't have to worry about the city and it will look at feel better. I have been feeling my age too and worry about my time running out too. I have a bad thumb on my left hand from detailing cars and mild arthritis in my hands now from years of the same kind of work. It really does suck that's the reason. They don't pay you enough for that.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad that you are settling into your new home and finding some peace. That's cool that you have your studio set up and have plenty of stuff to use. That must be a nice feeling to finally have space of your own. The journals are really cool. The flower head lady reminds me of the shadow box. Is that something you have always made, or is it a theme you are working with?
from i-am-jack :
That's funny about the laundry. I can understand why apartments, condos, etc wouldn't want people to do that, but I don't get why that is such a peeve of people's when it's in their own backyard. Everyone used to do that. It was pretty normal, but now it weirds people out and they get offended. And they really do pick and choose what they enforce. They go after the petty little stuff, but let everything and everyone else go hell. Here you get a ticket for parking in front of your own house on garbage day or having the cans out at the wrong time, but you can be as loud as you want.
from i-am-jack :
I'll let you know how the ear phone and ear plugs work when I get them. It really is not normal or good at all. Most people think I am exaggerating or just complaining until they come over and experience it for themselves. Part of me feels like if I can't beat them, join them. If I had the money, I'd love to get the worst best obnoxious exhaust on my beater truck. I'd tell the guy, make it sound like a weed wacker and I want the big Japanese fart can too. Then I would blast Polka at 3 or 4am, because Country isn't brash enough. And I am Polish enough. See I can be just as intrusive as you. What? That's *my* traditional music. I really hope the reversed hearing aids help me get some of my life back. They need to make a quiet aid, that you can adjust, like how hearing aids are "smarter" now.
from i-am-jack :
Wow your brother sounds *exactly* like my dad in that he acts like he wants a relationship with me and my siblings, but he can't not be a toxic asshole and absolutely refuses to change. I had to cut him off again after giving him another chance, because it was him or me. He was destroying my mental health and keeping me from moving forward. He kept trying to suck me back into the old toxic dynamics, like you just wrote about. So this time, I left him for good. He had his chance. My life is so much better without him in it. So I really do get it.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is really sad and fucked up about your brother. You tried. That's all you can do.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, I hope they help. They were rated for the shooting range, but you never know. I read that these in general can drown out industrial noise but not human voices. It has something to do with frequency. Maybe someone needs to make something entirely new just for this problem. Yeah when my friend from CA was here, he noticed it's either ambient noise or in your face noise. It hardly ever stops and when it does, you can't trust it even at 3am. Someone will jar you. My whole body used to jump, now usually just my leg jumps. It's weird when not being able to relax and jumping at loud sounds becomes perfectly normal. They stay up all night then get up at 8am and start. You might be interested in these too https://www.amazon.com/Anti-noise-Mushrooms-Protection-Comfortable-Environment/dp/B08NK2NGPF/ref=sr_1_8?dchild=1&keywords=ear+protection+for+quiet+sound&qid=1621123183&sr=8-8 It is very sad that I had to stop reading and writing in a paper journal, as well as meditating and anything that requires quiet.
from i-am-jack :
*Latvia
from i-am-jack :
Now that you mention it, I have seen them described as "multi use". The stupid thing is they started invading years ago and they still have not filled the vacant apartments upstairs. And they keep making more and more. Either no one wants them or no one can afford them. It all feels like a cheap, ugly, movie set. Facades rather than real buildings. No one lives there and no one seems to care about all the little pop up boutiques either. Even things people do like, still go under. I think one of the reasons the buildings are so faceless is they know nothing is going to last. Yeah that picture was funny to me, because what looks like a slum in Lativa I think, looks the same as what we have here that no one can afford the trendy rent on. I didn't even notice the laundry, but that wouldn't fly here, pun intended, with all the ordinances. Does anyone even hang their laundry outside anymore, other than blankets?
from i-am-jack :
The sad thing is they tore down the old steakhouse I worked at, that had apartments upstairs where the same people lived for years and years. That place was there before I was born. They tore down the real thing, that people actually liked and replaced it with shit no one wants. They seem to have missed the point of loft living or living over a cool old place.
from i-am-jack :
That's weird that your brother is a Cancer and he is like that. But then again, my old roomate/best friend is also a Cancer and definitely can be like that sometimes. And yes those buildings are truly cheap and depressing. They built a bunch of buildings here that are "luxury" living upstairs and pop up and die trendy shops and restaurants downstairs. They can not seem to get anyone to live upstairs for the life of them, and yet they keep building more and more of these awkward hybrid condo loft shopping center things.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the idea. I hope it helps too. I was thinking about getting something like this years ago, when I remembered the sound proof headphones I wore when I used an industrial chipper at an old job. Now those I could barely hear someone talking right in front of me. I have no idea what kind they were, but I am guessing I am not going to get that level of noise blocking, but I am sure it will be some relief. The ones I got were graded for using at the shooting range and wood working, so here's hoping. And yeah, it is sad that we have to wear things like this just to be comfortable in our own homes and survive another summer. Maybe if it works well enough I can start doing some things I had to give up, again, like reading a book in my own house.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. And I thought my brother was bad. He can definitely get like that, but even he knows when to stop. I don't suppose your brother is a Scorpio? They definitely are button pushers and can be really good at being really mean. My brother's a Scorpio. That's sad that he complains about nature sounds. He really is a McMansioner. They run the animals out of their homes then complain about any wild life left around the edges. Would he rather hear non stop police sirens, car alarms and asshole exhaust day and night? Thanks. Most of the time people really like my house/taste in stuff, but I have had a couple assholes or just funny comments. My brother actually loved how my apartment looks and said he wanted to trip here because it was already trippy. He also said it feels like one of those abandoned interiors, where the people just disappeared and left everything as it was. But he meant it in a good way. It's okay. My family is insane too. And yeah the corrugated metal does feel very island shack. I hate the big huge square boxes with plain square windows almost arranged like austere plaid. https://www.kathmanduandbeyond.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Karosta-Liepaja-Latvia.jpg You can't tell me this doesn't look like modern day "luxury living", big box shopping buildings down town and the projects.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the link. I was looking on Amazon yesterday and most of them are for kids. The ones that specifically say for autism, rather than just PPE anyway. A lot of the comments varied from adult women being able to wear them comfortably to them being too tight on little kids. They also had really varied reviews on how well they blocked noise. I found a pair that I liked in the recommendations that was for adults and had great reviews, so I ordered those as well as some "mushroom" ear plugs which look like ear buds you listen to music with but a little bigger and have a wire. Normal ear plugs freak me out but these look like they wouldn't get stuck in my ears so I gave them a try. Maybe worse comes to worse, I can layer them up on really bad days. Also I could probably sleep in the ear buds. All I know is I have to do something, it's officially summer to the idiots here and the noise is already ridiculous.
from i-am-jack :
Also where did you get your sound cancelling ear phones?
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry he was purposely being a dick and his comment made you feel bad. I'm guessing he is the kind of person who lives in a sterile, depressing McMansion or has the same lack of aesthetic because you can't even call it one. If it makes you feel better, my old best friend/roomate brought over some guy she was dating and he said it looked like we lived in our grandma's house with all her old stuff and he meant it in a bad way. She kind of laughed and said I was the one who decorated and kind of waited for me to go off on him. I was a lot angrier back then. I was just like "Thanks." Another time she was dating this stuffy professor and she brought me along on their dinner date as an intentional 3rd wheel. I chose the steakhouse I ended up working at and he kept snootily commenting it was so "old fashioned" over and over. Like it was ruining dinner or something. People can just be weird assholes. They are the ones to blame for all the modern very Soviet era reminiscent big block buildings taking over everything.
from i-am-jack :
"I am scary. And too honest. And too intense." Me too. That's one of the reasons we get along. That's funny about your brother saying your walls are scary. I have always really liked the pictures you've sent me of your house. I wouldn't call it scary, but it definitely has a strong energy. You have a very strong energy signature. Sometimes there is this creepy but in a good way element to it. Like how we were talking about how tarot cards were mysterious and kind of scary at first. It feels like that, but it has your own energy. Like the eye curtain you gave me. I love it. It somehow embodies both comfortable and that feeling at the same time. Maybe the word I am looking for is cosmic. You have a mysterious, powerful cosmic air about you. And it's a good thing.
from i-am-jack :
" Thinking of everything all at once, whether you want to or not" Damn that sounds like a lot to carry. And I only agree with ghosting in the absolute worst cases, like the person is abusive, toxic or dangerous. Also if they are such a total narcissist that they can't and won't hear you anyway. But most people don't fall into that category. I don't understand the idea of disposable "friends" and partners. Like fast fashion, but with people.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry you are being haunted by memories and thoughts of your friend. That's one of the reasons I call the Ghost that. That and being ghosted a few times. I strangely relate a little. Not to the part about marriage, divorce and stuff, but weird morality. That makes me sad that you don't feel like you deserve nice things or even just a comfortable home to live in, even if it's not fancy. It sounds like you are feeling restless, I remember wanting to seriously take off and go squat in a house and give it all up, because shit job land was making me question how much any of it was worth. It sounds like you are having your own questions about how much any of it is worth. The part about the clock is really well written as well as we all have the same destination in the end, even if we end up different places. My old roomate/best friend gave me a Fight Club clock that said "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." I love it, but it's way too freaky to hang up and watch tick away. She kind of agreed after giving it to me.
from i-am-jack :
The shadow box collage sounds really cool. I'd love to see pictures when it's done.
from i-am-jack :
That's his most famous book about his crazy childhood. It was also made into a movie. I haven't read that one yet, but have read Magical Thinking, Dry and This is How, his version of a self help book. Either in Dry or that one, he said that. I found Magical Thinking as a traveling book, when I worked at the hotel and couldn't put it down. My impression was he was an asshole, but somehow I liked him. By the end of the book, I wanted to read more of his books. He really is amazing and has a way of making you laugh and cry in the same book.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, it is a little harsh. I know there are people that think the same thing about me. I definitely still have some resentment toward her, but it is true. It took years to see it, but basically that was how my mom is, but she was/is a pill head. It's crazy because it took months for her to get sloppy with the alcohol problem. So I wasn't consciously drawn to it. I really hope your friends kids don't end up dating the same dynamics but they probably will at least once. That is both hopeful and really sad about your friend being such an inspired artist. Sad because the drugs come first. If only he could somehow switch that around. One of my favorite authors Augusten Burroughs, said he was close to drinking himself to death and accepted that fate, until somehow he decided that he couldn't write if he was dead. It was enough to save his life. But I don't think that's usually the case, sadly. With your friend's level of inspiration and resilience even, maybe there is hope. The really sad part is we live in a world that drives people to become like this. No one ever wanted to be an addict when they grew up.
from i-am-jack :
In the case of my ex, she didn't want to change and believed the world owed her. She was so mad at the cops because she drunk drove to the point of a suspended license, but they were the assholes for taking it away. Everyone and everything else was the problem, never her or her drinking. When I agreed to be friends only over the phone, as long as she did not call me drunk, she couldn't even do that. Not only did she call me drunk, but she was belligerent too. I said some pretty horrible things the last time we ever talked, rather yelled over each other. I lost it. I am so glad she can never call me again. But when she wasn't drunk, she was a really fun, funny, likable person who also had an amazing voice and wanted to get into music. It's a sad waste really.
from i-am-jack :
That is really sad about otherwise nice people's lives being ruined by addiction and them becoming lifers. It sounds like your old neighborhood was a real drug nest. When I was in WI, a coworker warned me about Fox Lake and said it seems nice passing through, but everyone there ends up on heroin. It's what they *do* there. Another friend here told me to stay away from this run down trailer park (I was that desperate to move out of my dad's) because it too was a heroin nest. Everyone ends up sucked in eventually. So yeah, there are communities of these lifers. I was thinking of my old alcoholic ex, the one I named Marla here. She is probably around 55 now, and probably hasn't changed. Every time she tried to get back in my life,every few years, she was the same beligerent entitled drunk, when her charming mask slipped. It took getting a new number to finally lose her.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry they are leaving you out of the loop with the funeral and I am sorry your friend is the way he is. It sounds like he's set in his ways. Also I feel like you took the a writer that doesn't write and an artist that doesn't make art, right out of my head! Seriously, I have been having those thoughts about myself, lately.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry about Swan and your husband's health. I know that waiting room feeling a little too well.
from i-am-jack :
That's kind of what I am worried about. I am definitely taking it easy and not over doing it.
from i-am-jack :
"Can't let other people's issues be my issues" I like that. I am glad you are okay. I am doing better each day, but it feels like one of those bugs that takes forever to shake. Which is crazy because most people are fine after and just have a sore arm for a while. I keep having headaches on the injection site side, and right now this feverish malaise and nausea just came over me. That's one way to keep me from hitting anything recreational or self medicating for a while. I am starting to wonder how long this is going to go on though.
from i-am-jack :
The worst of it is over with the shot, I am just really tired and don't have a lot of energy. I feel kind of light headed and this weird druggy tired, but I am tired of sleeping after doing so much of it the last few days.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know you are as okay as you can be. I am sorry you are going through this right as you seemed to be feeling a little better. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.
from i-am-jack :
I am looking forward to seeing the light switches. I always enjoy your art. Sorry I kind of disappeared, I got my Covid shot a few days ago and I am still tired and out of it. At least I got the one dose and don't have to do this again, but worse the second time. This is the one that's not supposed to make you sick. It didn't make my landlord or his buddy sick at all, but it for me.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you are okay. I am feeling the same except the part about the habits and I am not angry yet. It seems like it's spring and love is NOT in the air.
from i-am-jack :
Your last entry reminded me of the days when things weren't so fucked up. It was almost a throw back feeling. I'm glad you seem to be settling in and are making some art. The light switch covers sound cool. That's a cool idea. I'd like to see some pictures when the new ones are done.
from i-am-jack :
As for me, I am in a really weird place right now.
from i-am-jack :
That park has been here for years. All that happened before I moved in and I have been here since 2001. But back in my old neighborhood, they took out a whole block of homes because the flooding got so bad. There is a river between that subdivision and the backyards of my old block. I was pretty sure they were going to put up shitty new housing but they even took out the sidewalk and it's all grass, winding down to the park. It's eerie. People I knew growing up lived there. As far as I know it's a flood plain now. There is also a winding drive made of many parks near me that is historic but only exists because it floods too much to build on. That's one of the only ways land is protected from development it seems. Why do people have to suck so much?
from i-am-jack :
Exactly, people need homes. Why did they have to build it there? And they didn't even make it a good park. The whole thing really is pointless. Yeah greed is one of the deadly sins. But I think these days we have greed plus stupidity going on. It's pretty crazy that greed and hoarding come from the lack mindset or the fear of lack, yet the more these rich pigs have, the more their greed rages. It will never be enough. It also seems be intrinsic to human nature to not know when to stop and to keep going until we all go over a cliff.
from i-am-jack :
The thing about the park really is weird. I asked my landlord if the houses they tore down were empty or falling apart and he said no, people lived there. So they kicked them out and tore down their homes to build an ugly park no one likes. I guess they thought the kids would play there instead of in the street, but it didn't work. People lost their homes for nothing.
from i-am-jack :
That is just greedy and depressing. What most people don't know is these pipelines don't even supply the US. Most of it is for export. The whole thing makes no sense. We have oil but instead of using it we sell it and buy someone else's? And they are not exactly our friends. Yet people get all foaming at the mouth about closing or stopping pipelines. The only one it benefits are greedy rich assholes. The world would be better off if we never discovered oil or had any use for it. The world would be even better off without greed. If it wasn't oil it would be something else.
from i-am-jack :
No need to be sorry, it's the truth. There are stories of that happening in the city even. They took out an entire neighborhood, a community, to put in part of the freeway in Detroit. This was before I was born, but I saw it on PBS. On my own block, at the end they took out a row of several houses to put a crappy park in on a whim. It's the weirdest, lumpiest landlocked little crappy park. Mostly lumpy little hills. No one even used it for the longest time. Now it's mostly gaggles of moms having a picnic while they don't watch their kids run around. Meanwhile the kids still play in the street anyway.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah then there's that too. I have not thought or heard about it in a while, but you're right. They steal your land, don't give you shit for it, then destroy it. They really do own everything and us.
from i-am-jack :
I think it's not only being used to living in the city, but also we are wired to be pack animals and the reptilian brain's worst fear after death is being ostracized from the pack. As much as we want to get away from people, that is so hard wired into us. But at the same time, it isn't completely unfounded, because if you needed help and there wasn't any, it could end badly. The thing is I want to get far enough away that I am totally free. I don't want to live where they are going to start putting up McMansions and shit and I have to deal with the same shit I do here. Fireworks year round, loud bad exhaust, light pollution from everyone's fucking tactical grade house lights. I want to be able to walk outside and not feel like I am being stared at. I want to be able go outside naked if I want. But I would have to at least be reasonably near a place I could buy food and things. It might be hard to find just the right place then hope no one ruins it.
from i-am-jack :
Ha ha, it is funny, but it's the best way to describe how I sleep. I do yell, scream and see things in the middle of the night sometimes, but even when I am not, I probably sleep in every position some time in the night, except on my stomach. I sleep with my pillows upright, rather than from side to side, and every morning my pillow ends up, upside down, crumpled up into a ball. I have no idea why. I had to stop buying the cheap Target pillows, because they got ruined and wadded up so bad I had to throw them away.
from i-am-jack :
Even if I finally get my nowhere house, I will probably stay out of the woods at night. That's when all the spiders come out and you can't see their webs in the dark. I am honestly more afraid of the people, than the wild life. Maybe I have seen too many horror movies. No one can hear you scream. I am definitely not used to it. When I stayed upnorth with my bestie and her family, I couldn't believe how loud the silence was. When I tried to sleep the first night or two, I could feel my brain scanning for the usual sounds and signs of life and not finding them. Then wondering where did everyone go? They had a good amount of land and it was like we were on our own planet almost. I remember walking and thinking a bee was buzzing around my head and it was a fly several feet behind me! It was amazing and crazy. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes it's all so beautiful and feels like a dream, that I panic a little and have to remember this is everything I love, why panic? I am also afraid of my own mind and the idea that if I got hurt or had some kind of emergency, what would I do? I might not actually want to go as remote as I think I do.
from i-am-jack :
I probably would not be able to sleep in them either, I am a violent all over the place sleeper. It's interesting, the other day I was driving home and saw a lady walking, wearing what looked like these. They looked like red cloth. They might have been headphones for music, but they were probably these. I wouldn't have noticed probably if we weren't talking about them. Watch, I'll see them everywhere now. I'm sorry you are living in a red neck nightmare full of trash, both human and garbage, and that your childhood neighborhood went to hell. My old neighborhood is starting to get creepy and run down. I guess it's the life cycle of the suburbs. Death starts when property values drop low enough and the trash start moving in and taking over. My landlord told me this used to be a nice quiet neighborhood of Italian and Polish families. Now it's overrun by hood rats. It really is the strangest stupidest blend of red neck and hood culture, hence me calling them hood billies.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry about your neighbors too. Hell really is other people and even more the fact that it seems like you can not get away from them. I don't remember how I found that cheap land site, but I save it to check in on every now and then. Why not. They had an interesting on where the shit house came with the land, but it was in such rough shape they couldn't promise it would be there. I thought that was kind of funny, but also maybe that's how I will get my nowhere house some day. I was thinking I needed to get those truly deafening PPE ones. I wore them using a chipper for plastic car parts and I seriously couldn't hear a thing. But they are pretty heavy on your head and there's no way I could sleep in them. My neighbors come and go all day and night too. They seem to be especially active at night in the summer. Lucky me. That's horrible that you got a whole black bag full. DAMN. And I thought we had a trash problem here. That really is disgusting and worrying because that could start a bad rat problem. Maybe I can look into a solitary vacation this summer. It would give me a better idea if I would be able to handle it at night. I always imagine being happy and at peace during the day, but it being scary at night, being alone in nature with no one for miles.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I am sorry music has been ruined for you. But this is funny "It's like what an ape would create if you sat it in front of a drum machine." Around here it's still loud bad exhaust and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Even little grocery getter cars are jumping on the trend. It has basically ruined the car hobby for me, even though these assholes are the monkey music version of it and all they know is how to make it louder and more ghetto. When they blast their music, it's mostly over dramatic, bollywood circus dance music, occasionally meets booty music mixed in. Last summer one of the guys in the clown car house next door loved sitting in the driveway under my window blasting the stupidest shit at 3 or 4am for an hour or so. I don't want the only words I understand to be what sounds like a sampled porno where she gasps "Daddy!" I wish I wasn't serious. Music hasn't been ruined for me, in fact, it's all I have to cover the constant noise, but I really miss quiet and rides in the car are the only place to get it, so no radio. Do those headphones work? I have been wanting something like that. Also, this site might help? https://cheaplands.com/ And I know *exactly* what you mean by being the only one not allowed to make noise or get away with the same shit as everyone else. Story of my life. I have no idea how I am going to survive another summer either.
from i-am-jack :
I have been thinking about this too. I have always had my personal timeline in my head and revisit it a lot. Mostly the events that made my life go downhill or somehow I was never the same after and not for the good. It's too easy to do right now when the whole world is going through it and there realisticly is not any hope that the "new normal" will be anything like the old or even normal at all.
from i-am-jack :
Ok just making sure. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I got a bit ranty in your notes. I am just a bit heated about meds and psychiatrists after my experiences. The lady I have now is okay. She is not pushy at all, but also has this strange talking to a cop or detective quality about her that has me carefully choosing my words and how I frame things. I know it sounds out there, but I highly suspect my "birth control" theory. When I won my disability case, the judge told me there in the court room that I needed to stay in treatment to stay on disability. If I got manic and thought I was "cured" then I need to get back in treatment if I still need it as fast as I can. I am pretty sure meds are considered treatment. We really had to make a case for me taking such a low dose. Things are definitely not ideal with my med situation but this is probably as good as it gets, while I am on something. I am okay enough. Like I said, I just get heated about all this. It was both me being concerned and empathizing, as well as a bit of me getting up on my soap box. Thank you for listening and you have helped a lot just doing that, but also with natural healing stuff.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you can find one that isn't a pushy druglord and you can work out some kind of minimal medication that is tolerable and hopefully helpful. The physical side effects are worth it, to *them* because it isn't happening to *their* body. Very minimal effects that go away are tolerable like mild nausea or headaches but not massive weight gain, impotence, and lingering problems long after you quit are not. I have a theory that they purposely add the sexual side effects as crazy people birth control so they/we can't breed. It's in pretty much every single psych med but not things like cholesterol or diabetes meds. Coincidence? If they want people to stay on their meds, they need to fix this. Especially for people like you and me who are super sensitive to chemicals.
from i-am-jack :
I used to have a mini lap top mouse, but it was USB, with my first dinosaur of a lap top. That one didn't have a touch pad. When I got this computer, I decided to give the touch pad a try. It was really weird at first, but I got used to it. The only thing I don't like is there is no scrolling wheel, of course. Mice don't last long for me. The parts inside just erode away, rather than break. That's horrible that you have migraines now, because of Zoloft. I have had them since I was in high school. I would be pissed. Especially because they don't take them seriously at all and won't prescribe anything anymore. You probably dodged a bullet missing that appointment. It's fucked up how psych meds in particular have so many bad side effects, yet they either deny it or act like it's no big deal. Sometimes, you gotta break some eggs. Except it's your head. It really poison. The reason I stay on at least this minimum dose is I need it to keep my benefits. I know I could come off and say I am taking it,and I might do that eventually. I am also scared of the withdrawals and I remember what I was like pre-Seroquel and it wasn't good.
from i-am-jack :
The crazy thing is I am on a very low dose of Seroquel, to the point they ask if that's really all I want. But I have been on it so long, I am starting to see some side effects like the hand shaking or my fingers slowly moving from side to side on their own. I have also been noticing sometimes I blink several times in a row or have eye spasms where my eye involuntarily moves usually to the right several times really fast. All this stuff really is poison. I am still having head zaps from Paxil withdrawals and it is now 6 years later!
from i-am-jack :
Well I made sure I got a receipt and I have 30 days. The weird thing is, it's not doing it at all today so far. I'm still not sure if it's my hands, but I suspect it might be, but I am not sure why it wasn't a problem before. I have had shaky hands for the last few years and I am pretty sure it's the Seroquel. My asthma medication does it too, but I don't take that all the time. I have cut back on caffeine. I am guessing it's mostly the Seroquel and my nerves are just kind of shot. I have a bad nervous twitch in my right thumb that can get my whole hand going when I am really stressed out. I had it checked out and it is just a nervous twitch.
from i-am-jack :
Hey, I just got my computer back yesterday, but it's still not 100% fixed. I am not sure if I am going to take it back in or not. It's much better than it was, but the cursor has a twitch now. As soon as I got it home and booted it up, it was there and pretty bad. I called back and asked if they really checked it out before giving it back to me. They had me do a total restart and that temporarily fixed it, but it's doing it again today, just not as bad. I adjusted the mouse pad settings and it helped a little. I am actually wondering if it's picking up the shaking in my hands now. There is no way to turn down the general sensitivity. I might just get a plug in USB mouse. I am just tired, it's been a long month. But I did catch up on your entries when I was on yesterday. That's really sad how they are just getting mad at your friend, instead of getting him help. Here there used to be a program for homeless people, but they merged it with the prisoners that were being reintegrated into society program and I am not even sure that exists anymore.
from i-am-jack :
The weird but probably good thing is it's intermittent. I never know how long it is going to let me use it before it starts acting up.
from i-am-jack :
I am taking it to the shop Monday. I called and they said it sounds like I need a new keyboard and probably mother board. The damage was caused from it getting wet and now it kind of has brain damage, but is doesn't sound unfixable. He needs to see it to really know though. Yeah it has been extremely frustrating. I'm just glad I have everything backed up. It's been over a week since I have been able to get on and just relax.
from i-am-jack :
Also sorry if I am slower than usual with commenting, I am having computer problems. I have no idea if I am going to have to get a new one or if this will eventually go away. I spilled hand sanitizer on the keyboard a week ago and it's mostly back, but it has a some problems like the mouse pad stops working or it starts typing dashes into fields without me even touching the keyboard and starts freezing up. I am not sure if these quirks will go away like they do sometimes or if my computer is on its way out.
from i-am-jack :
I know you were being serious, but it made me grin,silent laugh imagining you getting rid of all the welcome stuff because people aren't. We are two young old cranks. The rug outside my door is just plain brown. It's a carpet sample and it has a good texture for rubbing snow or whatever off your shoes. No welcome sign for me either.
from i-am-jack :
It reminded me of Shrek. I said all I needed was a mushroom house in the swamp. She sounds cool in a people watching way. I joked that I would be the guy version of that. I'd be the dark, shady overgrown house at the end of the block that everyone was scared of.
from i-am-jack :
"In such ugly times, beauty is the ultimate protest." I really like that. I don't think you would be being a dick if you re-painted the sign and started using it again. He's the one being the inconsiderate dick. I found a sign stuck in the mud at an abandoned house. One side says "Welcome" the other says "Go Away". I washed it up and am saving it for when I have my own place. Now that would be a dick sign. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
I wore a mask too when I ripped out the last of the carpet and the air was burning my lungs through it. I had to open the window in that room and close the door for a few days. Of course the burning smell leaked out a bit. I got a little irritation, but luckily not sick from it. I hope you are able to rest and get your energy and immune system back up and get well soon.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are sick again. I hope the antibiotics help and don't mess anything else up too much. Working that hard in a nasty basement/house will definitely do it. I had chronic respiratory and sinus infections for years after ripping up the nasty carpet here. I did the whole house but the room I just did, because it didn't stink and didn't seem bad. I also went to the ER for asthma when I was working in the hoarder house in WI. Hopefully as you get the house cleaned up, you'll get sick less. I can tell a huge difference here with the last of the carpet gone.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you finally got it all moved in. Hopefully you and Pat can rest. I hope he's okay. That sucks about your washing machine. Hopefully you can get it repaired. My landlord said that's what having a house is like, it's always something.
from i-am-jack :
I finally crashed out today and just let myself sleep most of the day. Yeah if I have to go anywhere the next day, even if it's something I want to do, I can not sleep for shit. And I spoon out pretty fast. Anxiety and stress really rip up my body, that's for sure. I hope everything goes well with getting the studio moved in and you can finally rest for a while and do some art. You deserve a break after how hard you have been working.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, I feel much better today. I could have fell asleep standing against a wall yesterday. I had that wired over tired thing going on.I think I just needed to sleep and not have anywhere to go the next day. I am guessing we just sleep poorly, even if we get enough sleep sometimes. And stress does all kinds of shitty fun things to our bodies, even if we follow all the healthy rules. I'm glad you are feeling a little better.
from i-am-jack :
Maybe I can't relate to *everything* you are going through, but I can relate to a lot and that friends anxiety is one of those things. I tell myself it will pass too, but it can feel so real when you are in it. I hope you are feeling better. It's crazy I was washing my face and I have big old bags under my eyes, but I have been sleeping, just having to get up earlier for various things the last few days. I wasn't trying to make it about me, I just wanted to leave you a note despite being over tired for no good reason. But also explain, I am loopy.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you are feeling better since you wrote that. I just want you to know that I don't feel or think any of that about you. I am sorry I am bad with emails, but it's not because I don't like you or talking to you. I really value you as a long time online friend. I am sorry if I am not better at showing it. If it makes you feel better, I get anxiety then paranoid, then that horrible the shoe is going to drop any moment feeling about my friends too sometimes. I worry that people don't like me anymore. If this is disjointed, I'm sorry. I am really tired and spooned out from the last few days. I feel like I am running on no sleep despite getting enough. But I wanted to say something.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry. I really do understand. I call it people pollution. Like noise and light pollution. It's getting to me too.
from i-am-jack :
I feel you, just on a smaller, less ghetto level. But I feel you. It's pretty much 24/7 here too. It just got colder here and they are still drag racing up and down the streets and acting like it's summer. The house next to me, under my window, that I thought was a drug house, never sleeps. I get the same guilt you do, but the noise pollution just keeps getting worse. It used to be quiet in the winter, not anymore. I have not been able to read a book in my own house in about 5 years. I had to give up writing in paper journals too. I am always tensed up and waiting to be jolted by car horns, alarms, bad exhaust no matter what time it is. I am sorry you can not seem to escape from the dirty city. It really does take a toll.
from i-am-jack :
My landlord has a "new" landline and that is his main phone. He has a cheap cellphone that he only uses for emergencies. Wow he has no sense of humor. My siblings would have thought it was funny unless the sound was really bad and I kept doing it. I am hoping,thinking, that flip phones or some kind of super easy low tech phones will be around as long as we have old people. But once they all are gone and *we* are the old people now, I think we'll be screwed because they will assume we have had decades to get used to it and no one would even want a granny phone. Maybe one day we will both be crazy hermits, because our choices will be super high tech everything or nothing.
from i-am-jack :
That's hilarious that you were able to call someone's cellphone from a rotary phone. I'm surprised it worked. I feel the same way about the phone. I still have my original Obama phone from 2013 I think. For a free cheap little phone, it has been the most durable. It has survived so many accidents and been dropped so many times. It is starting to go a little, but do not want a smart phone. All the replacements are only smart phones and they will not activate a new old model. I found the phone I have now on Ebay, the number was clear (not stolen) and they wouldn't activate it. The site emphasized type your *new* phone's whatever number in. So I am in the same boat. I will have to either get a landline and a cheap track phone for taking with me in case of emergencies, or a find a flip phone. Maybe since I am on Medicare I can get an old person phone? I also what you mean by always hearing your phone. I have mine on vibrate and I still always think I am hearing a faint buzzing coming from the other room. It sounds crazy, but I swear cellphones give off some energy or frequency, I sleep better with mine off or in the other room. Technology is definitely a source of stress and anxiety for me.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I hope you get my package soon, but everything is backed up and most people haven't gotten things. I am just chilling and eating lots of cookies (something I don't overdo anymore). I called my mom and we talked for a long time. We got a decent snow fall and I have nowhere to go, which is a nice feeling. Hopefully you are having a peaceful day too.
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas!
from i-am-jack :
Damn that was some bad water. They handed out free water filters in Flint after the story went national,but I doubt they ever gave them replacement filters either. At least you got away from that, even if the water you have now isn't the greatest.
from i-am-jack :
It really is good. Only once in a while it smells a little bleachy. I know what you mean by oily water. My mom lived about 40 minutes upstate for a while and she had the worst water. It tasted like sweet lotion and had this weird slippery, oily texture. I have heard of "sweet water" but thought that was only the smell or something. I have no idea what was in it, but like you said it wasn't water anymore. She moves a lot, so it didn't last. Also I never lived there, only visited. If your water is greasy and stinks I wouldn't want to bathe in it either and would brush my teeth with bottled water. And yes, there should definitely be a rehab program for people moving back into a house after living on the streets. We had one here, but I think they merged it with the fresh from jail and parolees program. That's sad that there is nothing for your friend.
from i-am-jack :
I don't consciously have anything against the water here, though it does smell like bleach sometimes. Detroit water is actually really good (Not Flint!) To me, it smells good and tastes the best, better than bottled. I am used to whatever is in it. Then again, I also loved drinking from the hose as a kid and thought that magic rubbery taste was so good I wanted to make Koolaid with it. My parents didn't let me. I also love some smells that are kind of toxic, like certain kinds of vinyl. I love the smell of Comet and Clorox clean up with bleach. Yeah... I am weird. There is definitely a different feeling to natural wild water though. Sometimes I crave feeling it on my feet or want to get in a river or lake. Damn only twice a year!!? That is seriously 1700's hygiene right there. I joke that I am that 1700's fresh, but he really lives it. Unless he doesn't even bum bath, then people from the 1700's would be fresher. King Louis the XIV took one bath his whole life.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I am feeling a little better after finally getting clean and writing. I also got out a bit today. Youtube really is addicting and I know how it is designed to be, but it has really gotten out of control for me. It makes me feel better in that I am not alone way that you have experienced it too. I don't know if it is me or if they somehow upped the addiction factor, but I am definitely going to be extra mindful and limit my time and how I use it for a while. The thing about the tub is I actually really like it. It's an old clawfoot tub and after 20 years of living here, I have gotten used to the slower more relaxed experience of it. I like how it forces me to relax and it makes a great indoor "pool" in the summer. It's just that sometimes I develop this huge wall of anxiety around it and even a temporary phobia if it has been too long. It's weird. I'll probably write more about it. I really do need to do better though for my mental and physical health.
from i-am-jack :
That is seriously ridiculous, but it sounds like it's for the best. Sometimes stupid shit has to happen. Yeah if he had a seizure there, it's a lot safer if he is home with you. That sucks so much that you have to move it again though.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I am sorry you are going through all this. That is a total rip off, what is he paying for then? That really sucks that you have to move it all *again*.
from i-am-jack :
Happy Thanksgiving. That is cool that you found the box of pictures and in a way are spending Thanksgiving with them. It's also nice that you are the family archivist, even if you are not having kids. You care now. That is something. I'm sorry that no one has talked to you in weeks. My friends are all off in their own worlds too. It isn't personal, but it still gets lonely. At least in my sphere. I am sorry I have gone quiet too. I have really been losing time again. I could not believe it was 15 or 20 days since I had last written. See I can't even keep the number straight. Anyway I hope you had a good day today. As good as it can be.
from i-am-jack :
I honestly don't think anything is going to happen until there is a winner announced, then the shit is going to hit the fan. Somewhere. I just hope it doesn't happen near us. You especially have had more than enough of that shit for the rest of your life. The stupid thing is now that they have put the idea into people's heads, of course they are going to do it now and probably way worse. If everyone wasn't acting like a hurricane was coming, I don't think they would go as big. Now they pretty much have to give us a show. I am so sick of the shit show already. That is a pretty big shock to your system. I hope you adjust soon.
from i-am-jack :
It was so cold in the condemned house that we were working in our coats. We really wished we could turn the heat on. It probably would have blown mouse poop and bedding everywhere. And God know what else. I can not even imagine 80 years worth of dust, debris! Damn. Just cleaning up about 10 maybe 20 years of dust in that room is really shocking, just how much there is. I can't imagine what a few more decades would look like. That really is sad that they very likely had health problems because of it.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you have been run down and stress sick. I hope you feel better soon. I have been feeling shitty myself though more mental than physical, but damn my hands have been bothering me. I'm looking forward to getting my package, but no rush. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is just scary that it was that bad! I didn't think it could get that bad, despite seeing pictures of the insides of bad ventilation shafts. I didn't think about it actually blowing out. When I did the condemned hoarder house, we kept the heat off, even though it was winter. I think it was broken but it was probably that bad. Mice had stuffed the vent behind the couch with shredded paper, really packed it. Did you even run the heat until you got it fixed? I'd be scared to. That would be super disorienting, especially since you have seen it that way for so long.
from i-am-jack :
I don't really *like* any of them, but anything is better than the ass hat we have now. That's me being really nice. I keep stealing my landlord's line "I'd vote for a gym sock." If that was what was running against him.
from i-am-jack :
"And they need to just go with popular vote. That alone proves this whole thing is just a game." Yes exactly. I only found out about the whole electoral college shit a few years ago when my landlord told me. It's not like they talked about it in school. That and the Bush Gore incident was the end of my idealistic belief in the system.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I feel like I have to at least throw my drop in the ocean for whatever it's worth.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that's crazy. It had to be pretty bad if dust was coming out when the heat came on. I am glad you got that health hazard taken care of. That must make the whole house feel lighter and probably smell better. I know what you mean by erasing the past, when I moved some stuff that had not been moved since 2015, it felt like in a weird way, a tiny bit of time space had been frozen there even if just in or on that thing. And when I moved it, I got it unstuck or something. It was a journal so I didn't throw it out, just took it off the oven hood where it had been for years. But I still had the sense I was clearing time? It was both a good thing (that was a horrible year) but also strangely sad.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think you sound crazy. Ancestral problems are a real thing. In this case, it seems to have manifested as physical baggage. I hope having a higher purpose makes it easier in that it has a deeper meaning.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that is a long time to be at it. I can't imagine having to do a whole house, pretty much alone. The biggest I had to do was my sister's apartment, but I had her to help. No wonder you feel like you've been beaten with a bag of oranges. The next day I got the rest of the carpet out and started cleaning the floor underneath. That carpet was so nasty, that even wearing a good mask, it was making me gag a little and my throat was a little sore. It was scary to think I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor on that for a few years! I thought it was a lot cleaner than it was. It didn't stink until I opened it up, but damn it had to be making my breathing problems way worse. It was better than the rest of the carpeting I tore out years ago, but now I am really convinced even carpeting that seems okay is not and it's not the risk of carpet beetles. I took a day off yesterday just to really let my body rest and my mind too. My hands have been bothering me the most, they get stiff and sore. It's really easy to overdo it. I don't want to burn out and then not have the energy to finish. I'm sure I will feel better with that nasty carpet gone, maybe my asthma will improve.
from i-am-jack :
Tonight I finally got back in the hoarder room with a vengeance, I decided that the carpet needs to go. I don't want to wait for the carpet beetles to get worse. I read they can chew through plastic bags! I had to take half of the stuff out of the room and move other stuff around as I worked. I cut the carpet out in small sections and did the tacking strip. I did it a little at a time because removing tacking strip pisses me off, so if I only do a little at a time, it's more bearable and broken up by other things. Instead of leaving it all for last. I got more done than I expected. I want to keep going but my body is exhausted. I kind of over did it already physically. I took for granted I used to do that work all the time, but it's also been years and I am out of shape. Anyway, I'm glad you are making progress. At least you have a dining room an chairs now.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot and helped me get some more done today. We are each other's support group as we go through this. After a few times and having to move so many times, she went the total other way and became a minimalist. That really sucks about your brother, but it sounds like he is not much help anyway. That's weird and gross about the meat, but maybe he is so bad himself that it seemed good enough. Yeah I know the feeling. I call them nature trails and that's when it has really gotten bad.
from i-am-jack :
There is definitely something we can sense about it. One of my friend's mothers was always a clutterbug, but after her mother died and he moved out, it got really bad. She doesn't want anyone over anymore. She did just that. Buried herself in. Thanks, it really did. I have trouble not burying one side of the bed now with laundry and things. That didn't start until he passed. Getting mad and blaming comes with the territory I think. When I was working in that condemned hoarder house, we all started having mood swings and bouts of anger at the mess and the people. It was getting to us. And that wasn't even personal. I get angry and blame myself a lot as I go through it and have to focus on the work itself too. I also started getting annoyed with my sister when I helped with her place. She had this annoying habit of sweeping everything into bags, garbage and valuables mixed, then throwing them somewhere. Then she started putting bags like these inside other bags like this, sometimes three or five deep. I called them despair bags because I hated them so much and there were so many. I really was starting to get mad, but at least she made me laugh and started taking over with those.
from i-am-jack :
It really does feel lighter, like somehow you *feel* the clutter. Maybe you actually do, a lot of hoarders start after they lose someone they love. They literally fill the emptiness. I know I got worse fast after my cat died. I also realized with me it's a weird way of blocking out my territory. I actually was piling boxes around the edges of rooms for a while, years ago. It is such a weird thing we do as humans for so many reasons, even after it's making us anxious and unhappy, we keep doing it. I am sorry you inherited such a huge mess. I couldn't live like that either.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I am getting it done in short bursts, but at least it's happening. It really does cause anxiety to see clutter all the time. My sister who used to be a hoarder read that it's like having too many tabs open on the computer. We don't consciously think of everything we are looking at, but your brain is processing it. It makes sense. That's crazy about the junk drawer covering the floor and taking hours to go through. I know this sounds crazy, but if I clean up a drawer or something, it feels like the room is lighter now, even if everything looks the same when it's closed. Maybe it's a mental load off or maybe somehow we do physically sense our surroundings in a way we aren't usually aware of.
from i-am-jack :
Around here it's a cocktail of religion, culture and a lifetime of social conditioning that makes them have all these kids. They feel like they have to do it and what else is there anyway? Anyone who has their kids out of obligation doesn't really want them and will not make a good parent. My dad had us because his God told him to and he was awful to say the least. I think most people have it in their heads "that's just what you do." Damn you were surrounded! I'm glad you at least got away from that.
from i-am-jack :
And clutter really is harder to deal with than it should be. I have a theory that if it has been around for a really long time, your brain starts to see it as stationary. It causes anxiety on a many levels and you logically know it can be cleared away, but I think you start perceiving it as this mountain that is growing and taking over your space, maybe even your life. The pile on my dresser was starting to climb the wall! I wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at my cluttered dressers. When I took everything off the one dresser it covered about half of my bed! That's crazy. I also thought of how you said hoarders put things somewhere and then never move them again, not even to wash them. The stuff on the bottom layer of my dresser had not been touched or moved in years.
from i-am-jack :
At least you have a corner lot and a fence. I have a lot of schools around me and a day care center, but not right across the street. There is a lot of kids screaming and crying and cussing around here, since everyone has as many as they can then dump them all outside. They don't really care what they do or where they go, as long as they leave the parents alone. It's sad really. So many of the adults confide in my landlord that they can't stand their kids. One guy even said he hated his kids. I joke that I never had any, but I get to have everyone else's and deal with their bad life choices.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that really sucks. Sounds like they are total stupid trash. The only reason I knew my neighbors were driving for Uber and Lyft was I saw the stickers in the front windows for a while. Not anymore though. They have like 5 cars for that one house and go through them like nothing. They trash them. The Indian Summer is making everyone act like a bunch of idiots here too. I'm glad your house is coming along. I did some cleaning yesterday, still have more to do, but I finally got one of my dressers at least better organized. It hadn't been touched in years and stuff was really piling up.
from i-am-jack :
I know what you mean by the house becoming your world. But not feeling like home. That sucks having the 24 hour drug drive through across the street. With the way the neighbors under my window never sit still and come and go and come and go all day and night, I was sure they were running drugs. Turns out they were working for Uber and Lyft for a while. They seem to have stopped, but they have not settled down at all. Maybe they do sell and run drugs. Then again you have 10 people living in a two bedroom starter home. The shit cars have not completely stopped here either. I swear the pandemic is making the usual hyperactivity even worse.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry it's not going well.
from i-am-jack :
I am just trying to take it easy.
from i-am-jack :
They really do. Half of it is just the administrative bullshit of the clinic I go to. But I need my people so I can keep my benefits with both DHS and Social Security. It all adds up to what feels like a part time job. The judge even told me I had to stay in treatment to keep my benefits and if I get manic and think I'm "cured" then to get back in as soon as possible, if I am still disabled.
from i-am-jack :
My sister and I had that conversation when we checked in with each other at the beginning of all this. It is such a massive relief not having to worry about work. Either losing your job and hours and having no money, or dealing with an even shittier shit job land now. We really did get so damn lucky.
from i-am-jack :
You really did get it just in time. It's a damn lucky thing they gave it to you so fast. I think about that a lot with my own. I am so glad I got it before the shit hit the fan.
from i-am-jack :
They live in a very sad world. I'm glad we are not part of it anymore.
from i-am-jack :
If I said I was a writer, which I have just in the creative identity way, they immediately jump to "Are you published?" When I say no and explain, then comes the bored dismissive dull "Oh. I thought you meant you wrote cool fiction or something and were published." Sometimes they continue and say what they think I should be writing. Before the pandemic, I just said I cleaned houses and had my own clients. They didn't need to know it was just the one lady. It's boring, but at least it sounds like I am doing something with my life because I am an independent. Don't you love how everything always has to be "something" and going "somewhere"? I do not miss the social butt sniffing and idle chitter chatter at all. That is one thing I like about the pandemic. And yeah I really try to avoid having to meet new people if I can. At least it's easier than ever.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry he's still mad at you over the sunflowers and for some crazy mysterious reason thinks it was that inappropriate. Hopefully he will get over it soon or possibly forget it ever happened. Also I am really sorry they stole the rings from your mom. That *is* just depressing.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. Yeah I needed to take a bit of a breather. I have been reading, just not writing. I also need to spend less time on the computer in general. I have been doing too much mind numbing. My hands are getting stiff from 10 or so hours every day in about the same position. And yes, we are professional crazy people. I remember the first time I told someone that's what I was. It was weird and still can be weird navigating the whole "so what do you do?" thing.
from moodswing :
everything else aside, I've also wondered about a link between bipolar and menstrual cycle. In the last year, maybe more, I've noticed that I get *really* irritable or low mood in the last 10 days or so. It's exhausting. I haven't been on birth control in a long time though. And boy do I miss a libido.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry if these notes are kind of loopy, I am coming down off some magic brownie. Thanks for checking in on me. I actually got a call while I was writing that last entry that my prescription was ready, so I kind of dropped everything and went and got it. After that I was just too exhausted. I was so exhausted it was physically painful. I still want to make an update, but I needed to take a step back from it all. I still feel stress sick. I feel heavy and slow like all my organs are swelled up inside or something. It could take me weeks to recover. It's okay about my belated birthday package. Thanks for making me one.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you made it back to where it feels like home. Between what my best friend in CO says and my friend in CA, that whole side of the country sounds hot, dry and inhospitable.
from i-am-jack :
I was just about to comment on your last entry when I saw you updated again. Damn that is fucked up. I know it isn't much, but that is the kind of luck I have too. Maybe the only upside to having to wait is you won't be driving in the snow storm. Maybe he's right and one day all the pieces will come together in a way you can't see yet. I am sorry you have had to deal with so much and now this. I will send you some good energy tonight.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you have somewhere to go and to fall back on. I hope it's a good choice too.
from i-am-jack :
You will have way more options and better places available once you get Medicare. Especially if you have both Medicare and Medicaid. Most places take Medicare. Medicaid alone is slim pickings and mostly the bottom of the barrel. You might even be able to get the state to reimburse you and you won't have it taken out of your check every month.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope you can get out of there.
from i-am-jack :
I would be lost and a lot crazier without my crazy person whisperer. You might be able to still see the other one if they can do phone or Skype sessions. My sister still talks to the one was seeing here, and she's in another state now. If you can't, I hope you can find another good one. It's so hard to find the right fit.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I talked to my therapist today and feel a little better about it all. It IS nothing but flaming hoops and bullshit, but I am also super paranoid and triggered over it for good reasons. I am getting more upset than I need to be. She said not to worry, she's got my back and she'll fix it if she has to. No one needs this stress though. Believe it or not one of the questions is something like "Would you rather be dead if you could be or alive?" Who writes this shit? They don't think that would upset or at least make some people uncomfortable? They've always skipped asking that one outloud, but now I know why sometimes they get weirded out and don't say some of them. I knew it was something, but I had no idea it was that bad. My therapist told about it today.
from i-am-jack :
State assistance is around February. All of this is just to be able to continue receiving therapy and services at the place I go, which is state funded/controlled. So sort of actually, though not directly in a DHS way. I just don't want to have anything taken away because I am deemed doing too well when I am not or sent somewhere worse because I am too much crazy for them. You just get sick of this shit.
from i-am-jack :
Also I watched the spoken word video and wow that *is* powerful.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for still being my friend, and it's okay I am the king of AWOL. Thanks too for making me a belated birthday package, I always enjoy them. Yeah there are so many stupid annual hoops and paces they put us through. There is so much paperwork that new patients can spend the first 3 therapy sessions getting it all set up! After that you have to revisit two different sets (one of them so long it has to be broken into two visits to finish) as well as the annual health visit with the nurse. it really is a shit show rodeo and it's mostly about funding and money. At least I can do it over the phone this time. Thanks for the good vibes, things are already a little better.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting him do his craziness without so much energy from you, sounds like a good idea for your own sanity. You can never win someone else's game. Maybe he will stop running and pushing you away if you stop coming after him. What makes it even weirder was how he told you he gave someone else flowers and he was afraid she would get mad at him? She who probably doesn't even exist. Then you sent him flowers and he got mad at you? I think especially in the context of your conversations, that it was funny and sweet. He really is a strange one.
from i-am-jack :
I have been reading and the whole thing about the flowers has been weird. That is so weird that he made you apologize for sending them. I don't think you did anything wrong or weird. I am sorry things have been such a head trip with him, intentional or not. I don't know him, but damn he is hot and cold. If he wasn't so mentally ill, I would say he's messing with you. That must make it even worse not being able to know for sure. There is a chance sometimes he is messing with you and sometimes he's not. Maybe you could try to make yourself a little less available, like don't answer his texts immediately and don't send him anything for a while. Make it a little cold in here. It sounds like time to take a step back.
from moodswing :
if I'd answered this right away, I'd have said 'things are sort of back to normal, for now anyway, we'll see.' but we had some activity last night, mostly downtown. I don't feel endangered, you know? but the temperature of the people is still high. I hope you are doing okay.
from moodswing :
you absolutely deserve happiness. and if happiness is a difficult ideal to attain, then peace, calm... and a place where you are free to rest, be yourself, and heal. I wish I could help pluck you out of this. I know it's hard to walk away (and I say this from a far less intense experience) but eventually you have to put yourself first. This all sounds like trite "stuff you say" stuff, but.. it's true. Esc.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry about your friend and everything he is going through. That really is sad and horrible that he lost all his teeth. The same thing happened to my mom. They were so bad, beyond saving so they put her under and pulled them all. It sounds like the poor guy is falling apart and you are his only friend. He's lucky to have you. He may have been testing you, but when someone is that gone, you can never be sure what they are thinking. I don't think you did anything wrong by saying it "outloud". It was disturbing you. Sometimes that is the best way to let something go, if you are capable of saying or writing it. It's physically at least at some level not in you anymore. I am sorry all your friends are crazy and you are surrounded by crazy people. I can't even imagine, not having one sane grounded person to talk to. Also I read your recent entry and I feel really bad for how trapped you are. My situation is paradise compared to yours, but I still relate to a lot of what you said, even if in the past tense. I know exactly what you mean by that black cloud, that was how it felt living at home with my dad. Cherishing the time he was out of the house, when the cloud lifted, but it never completely did, because you knew he and it were coming back. Also my best friend/old roomate felt like her bed was her only island, when she lived with her ex husband who was a hoarder and cat hoarder.
from i-am-jack :
It really has been the worst yet with the heat and noise levels, plus during all this pandemic shit. I have a feeling the car noise is not going to go away as long as the roads are drivable and not full of snow. I almost get the same level of traffic as you would have living on a main road sometimes. It really is a constant flow during some hours. This neighborhood has had ups and downs, but the population boom is out of control. You have 10 people (or more) living in old 30's homes designed for a family of four and one car. I really do feel like I am being run out of here when I could easily live happily, even if it's not what I always wanted. I tell myself maybe that's the only way to get me to move toward what I *really* want. If the neighborhood was fine, I could live here the rest of at least my landlord's life.
from i-am-jack :
Also your last entry was just...there aren't really words for what he told you. I think you handled it well, you didn't engage him or give him whatever weird attention he was looking for. Though I can hear my therapist going "Okay, why?" in that perfectly calm, sweet, nonchalant way. She could probably handle him really well, being the crazy person whisperer. But that's professional level shit there. For the sake of everyone involved, I hope it doesn't happen again.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks and thanks for reading/relating. You can probably relate better than anyone else. You were run out of your home. You went from real life South Park (but not funny) to a war zone. This really is the worst summer ever and I was naive enough to hope that maybe they would tone it down this year with the pandemic and all. Ha right. It's more like everyone kicked down their stalls and they are going even crazier than ever. Early this morning we had a thunder storm and that cooled it off a bit, but they don't really stop until November, and even then. I don't think the sawed off muffler fetish is going anywhere.
from i-am-jack :
You probably already know, but I have not been doing very great. I felt like I had a stomach bug or maybe hungover from eating too much junk food on my birthday, but it lasted too long to be a food hangover. I was also *really* tired. I half wondered, but I know I don't have Covid. Now I am just super low functioning, but I don't feel sick.
from i-am-jack :
It doesn't help that I kind of just let it slip past. The way I lose track of time now, it might have slipped past me even, if it wasn't for other people remembering and wishing me a happy birthday. Yeah it was quiet, but okay. At least I didn't spend the day cleaning like last year.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. I definitely understand. You have so much going on and your friend you are helping out. I don't *expect* anything from you and always appreciate what you send me. It was an okay day. Just another day really but with some pizza and cake and talking to people. I didn't go out to eat or anything with anyone. I just had lunch at home with me. It was quiet this year, like everything. I really hope things get better soon for everyone too.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say. I agree with you, you definitely got extra shit sprinkles on top of everything. There also really is no help for women in these situations. I told you about my best friend/old roomate's experience with that in CO. Yours is the same thing but different. That is bullshit that your brother is trying to control you like that and offering you free rent at a destroyed decomposing house. Even if you took the bait, he would probably keep finding new ways to control you with the threat of kicking you out. The whole situation is just horrible. Maybe you should just disappear on him without warning one day and get that studio apartment.
from i-am-jack :
I do too. ;^( I am tired of everything being broken and fucked up.
from i-am-jack :
Even though everything is fucked up, it's good to see you write. I know you are still alive. " I live inside surrounded by my things, but I am homeless." I've felt that before. When I first moved in here with my old roomate/best friend it was her house. I was grateful she saved me from the street, but my room felt like a storage unit for me and my stuff or a garage I parked myself in at night. Living with her always felt like that. I really am sad for everything that you are going through. Also I think you are one of the most caring, altruistic people I know.
from i-am-jack :
I feel like my brother's generation (4 years younger than me) was the cut off point for kids having a real childhood. It is sad. It was pretty fucked up most of the time, but I miss those little things that weren't.
from i-am-jack :
Generally they do, but around here they love both. When it's not too hot or cold, there are tons of little monsters on their bikes, running up and down the side walk, just screaming and cussing their heads off. Their parents don't care where they are or what they do, as long as they don't bother them. But when it is too hot, it's eeriely quiet but at the same time, temporarily peaceful.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad I am not the only one who remembers. I was allowed outside at 10am as a kid and spent most of the day outside until sun down. I came in for a few shows I liked then back out. Now, hell kids have the morning and the evening. They love to run around and scream around here but some days it's so quiet outside. Since I have been here it has only got like this in the last few years. We are trapped in a hot car and it's only going to get hotter.
from i-am-jack :
It has been in the 80's here too. It's crazy that what used to be normal summer now feels like a balmy break.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that is just way too fucking hot. Especially without air. I know it's coming soon enough here. I mean, the summer started with 90's in the last week of May and has been between 90 and 96 most of the time. It hasn't peaked yet. For me, it's at least 5 degrees hotter inside than it is outside, living in an attic apartment. Maybe more. I don't have an indoor thermometer but should get one. I just want it to be over already. I was just asking a friend "Remember when we could play outside all day in the summer?"
from i-am-jack :
I don't blame you at all. It really is fucked up.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry that you are dealing with all this. It's beyond fucked up. Everything about all of it.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say. That is seriously fucked up that you are in the middle of a war. I just caught some blip in the news about more/new rioting in CO, after I sent that last note. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I wish you and Pat and the cat could get out of there.
from i-am-jack :
I hope the rioting and street warfare was settled down and you are doing better.
from moodswing :
<3 <3 <3 <3
from i-am-jack :
Holy shit that is terrifying. You just got there and you need to get the hell out of there. Why are they dragging people out of their houses like it's Nazi Germany? They are acting like the Gestapo. They are worse than the protesters and looters. Way worse.
from i-am-jack :
That's really fucked up and scary that he disappeared into the war zone and left his phone at home. You really are living in a war zone and I feel bad for everything you are going through right now. It really is fucked up. Especially after all the work you did trying to make your life better.
from i-am-jack :
The system really is fucked up and full of holes. It fails more people than it helps and that is exactly why so many people end up homeless or dead. That or they make it so complicated and miserable, people don't want help. I can't believe that being on disability isn't enough to get you into some kind of help. My best friend old roomate told me that CO has horrible mental health services. Especially for low income people. It's almost set up like a raffle. She is not low income and there were zero resources for her when she was in an abusive relationship and needed help now. They didn't care and said all they could do was put her on a waiting list. It really is fucked up and they don't care.
from i-am-jack :
I think the reason they are not arming themselves is so they can pretend or call it a peaceful protest and then the cops can't or won't fire on them. We all know that's bullshit though. For both sides. I know the pain of being "too articulate". I almost died because no one believed me, took me seriously. Apparently there is a stereotype you have to fit into to get help. That or you are too smart and use too big of words for their dumb employees to understand.
from i-am-jack :
It is a war and it's not going to change or make anything better. It's fucked up that humanity is still acting like this. I'm glad he got home safe. That is really scary that he got lost and ended up caught up in all that. It sounds like where you are now is more dangerous than where you lived before. It's bad enough it's going on in MN but then other states get involved too? It is a stupid game. It's like high school with guns and tear gas. I'm afraid that Detroit is going to riot again especially if the cop gets away with it.
from i-am-jack :
I like to think of middle aged as young old. I remember when my dad had that talk with me. He told me and my siblings we wouldn't have all this energy and health forever. One day we would hit a wall. We would slow down, have aches and pains and health problems. Sadly he said for him that was 25! I think I started slowing down in my late 30's and slowed down a lot after Seroquel. I wouldn't say I hit a wall, but I am not as young as I used to be. My health is very good with some minor chronic problems. I also look 20yrs younger than I am. We age slowly physically in my family. My dad also told me (as well as my grandma and lots of other older people) old isn't what you think it's going to be. You'll feel like the same person you've always been, then see this old person in the mirror. Strangely my dad is taking losing his looks harder than my mom.
from i-am-jack :
Holy shit things are crazy in MN right now. I am so glad you got out before hell broke loose. That's scary about your husband. I hope he gets out of there safely. My therapist was telling me about all this on the phone the other night. She was pretty disturbed and she isn't easily. When I saw the picture, I felt sick to my stomach. It's sickening and saddening that this shit is still happening.
from i-am-jack :
It finally cooled down here. It feel so good to just be able to relax. I want to both just sleep and finally clean everything that got so nasty during the last week. I am getting it done slowly and taking it easy. I hope things have cooled down for you too. I hope you can get through the next few years and get to move up north. It's crazy that we are both middle aged.
from moodswing :
it's so crazy over here.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think your correspondence has been erratic. You're making sense to me. I was heat sick for the last 5 days or so. It got unseasonably hot and it's always 5 degrees hotter up here than it is outside. The hottest day I was getting close to heat stroke because I was getting little chills. My brain was so baked, I felt like I had concussion brain again at times. I was not expecting it to get that hot up here so early in the year. The next few days I was better prepared but still felt sick. Finally it's going down and will be for the next few days. I am dreading another summer. I am not sure if I'm sensitive to the sun, but I am to the heat. I get heat rash on my neck and my chest turns red and itches every year. I have the kind of skin that burns, does not tan and then leaves brown marks, so I try to stay out of intense sun. I am mostly Polish, so white Euro skin more adapted to cooler, grey weather. I actually like grey, cool weather, but too much does get depressing. I definitely want to go somewhere cooler if I ever move. That sounds like a good plan to adjust your hours for summer, sorta speak. I haven't quite adjusted mine yet, it's hard with meds that make me sleep 10 hours or more. You take care too.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are not in a good place either. CO is definitely hot. My old roomate/best friend tells me about the heat all the time and I do not envy her. She is one of those people that loves the heat. I hate it. It's going to be in the 80's next week and I am not happy about it. But I would rather have that than the 90's she and now you are going to have a lot of. You definitely need to rest. I hope you are okay after having heat stroke. I got it once in a hot warehouse job. I hope life gets better for everyone too.
from i-am-jack :
You don't have to be sorry. I am sorry that I disappeared, I have not been in a good place and was really out of it for a few days, a week, I don't know.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for caring all these years too. I hope you are doing as okay as you can. I know you are super busy and dealing with a lot, but I still worry.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry that moving and selling your old house has been such a nightmare. That's fucked up that the landlord at the Denver apartments is already fucking you around. I remember how hard it was trying to move out of state and I wasn't even selling a house too! When I finally found a place it was an extended stay hotel, because I couldn't make it to any open houses or viewings from another state. I don't blame you at all for feeling how you do, but of course I don't want you to do it. I really hope things get better and come together for you.
from i-am-jack :
I'll keep an eye out for the package. I hope it gets to me too.
from i-am-jack :
Maybe it will change my neighborhood? I have lived here long enough to see several ups and downs. It was really going down for a while, but went back up after people moved away. I hope it goes back up from what was before all this. My landlord told me years ago, way before I lived here, he had neighbors about as bad as yours. They did steal out of his garage and broke into the upper flat where I live. He says we are lucky to have the dumb trash buffoons next door. That's scary and horrible that they burned your mushroom log and stole out of your yard. I am so glad you are getting out of there.
from i-am-jack :
It's funny how after you talk about something, you see it everywhere. When I went grocery shopping the other day, I kept noticing all these guys with big beards wearing masks the best they could. Big biker beards. I don't blame them for not wanting to shave, it's part of them and it took years to grow. Also shaving is a pain in the ass, especially if your hair comes back super fast. Also it's kind of funny that you were cool before your time with the homemade masks. Not that any of this is funny. The urban pollution masks are great. They really save me on the 4th of July. That and their awful charcoal grill smoke were the main reasons I got some. With my breathing problems, they are just a good thing to have.
from i-am-jack :
Also have you and Pat ever tried those urban pollution masks? I bought a couple a few years ago and they are great for when they have fires here and go berserk on the 4th of July. They are for smog, smoke, etc but not medical grade.
from i-am-jack :
"Another white trash christmas" I love it. Here it's more a big dumb BBQ without the grill. They have been coming and going all day every day and having extended family and friends over, like they always do. Baby mama and baby daddy pass the baby back and forth each day. I know all their business because it's a soap opera right under my window. The thing is they are loud, stupid, total trash, but actually nice. It makes me feel like a bad person for not being able to stand them so much. They are so rude though making noise at 3am, 7am whenever. I was actually just telling my sister that cheap housing is probably coming if the market bottoms out again. It is a thought that maybe I have to go through this to get my dream house. That makes me feel bad too, because I love my landlord and this house I just wish it was somewhere else. I am super lucky to be here.
from i-am-jack :
Cool thanks. I will keep an eye out for it. I don't mind getting mail. If anything, I am still buying online, even more now that everything is closed. But there are delays in shipping and people charging more. I ordered some D-Mannose from a seller in Iowa weeks ago and it is not here! Ebay's "guaranteed" by whatever day is bullshit. You only get $5 back if it's late. It's obviously lost and not coming. It hasn't even moved since the 13th and has no tracking location. My friend from CA sent a letter and it has not come yet, it usually takes 2 weeks but it has been longer. I am rambling, but my point is you might want to be careful what you send, it might not get here. Also, my landlord told me about the mail quaratining and I have been doing it too. He is in the age demographic so he is super worried and admitted he will probably always be a germaphobe now after this.
from i-am-jack :
This is all very hard to take in. I can't even listen to the news anymore. Every day it's the same, but worse. I don't want to hear the death count. I hardly even watch the news and don't have a TV, but the little bit that creeps in through the Internet or my landlord's TV downstairs is too much right now. I am barely keeping even less of an ear on it. "Best to make the best of the 'self-relfection' time I guess." Yeah. I feel like I am slowly reaching that place as I am feeling almost hungover off mind numbing distractions. It is quieter here than it has been in years, just this afternoon I was thinking "Wow, this is what winter used to sound like." Except for the clown car trash next door. Plague or no plague, every day is still a fucking slap happy family party. Must be nice to be that stupid and happier than pigs in shit. Anyway, I hope you get the chance to have some self reflection and meditation time.
from i-am-jack :
Hmmm only 177 cases and 2 deaths doesn't sound right unless it's just beginning. I think my therapist said we had 200 deaths just yesterday. I can understand the nursing homes to a point, but the low income housing too? That sounds too much like locking the poor in the basement of the Titanic to die. I have no idea how they are getting away with basing it on income and class and age even. Maybe they are hiding buildings full of dead bodies. So many untold stories and unseen pictures are going to come out when this is all over. Probably years later. Other than the parks being full of people not social distancing, I have not gone because I wouldn't even enjoy it anyway. During normal life, the parks were getting too full of people and garbage. Now it will be even worse.
from i-am-jack :
Don't worry, I'm not using the mask as free pass. ;^} So far I have only been going out about once a month or every 3 weeks for food and things. I have not even gone out for fresh air or to the parks because I heard people are gathering there. I have thought about going at 7am or something, but I haven't been sleeping in a way that's really possible. I am definitely getting cabin fever. I used to go out at least every week, to do something. That is both crazy and amazing there is only 2 deaths in your county. Is that because it just arrived there? When the first 2 cases arrived in the state, I had NO idea how horrible that was. Three weeks later it was 300. Now look at us.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. It's weird that there is both talk about the peak coming and slowly reopening the economy. I really do not think the lock down will be over on the 30th. They are going to have to keep extending it as long as this takes. It could be months. Maybe even years before life resembles anything normal. I am really glad about the mask though. My friend said she felt like was an Antiques Roadshow moment. "That old thing" turned out to be a coveted treasure. Weird that an old mask would be a treasure in the world we live in now.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it is. A few weeks ago on the news they showed a map of the state and the Detroit area (Wayne county) was the darkest color on the color key code. Michigan is in the top 3 or 4 worst hot spots in the country. They are warning us that the peak of it all is coming. I have been staying in for weeks at a time and actually am lucky enough to have an N95 mask from an old job. I didn't even know what I had all this time until just recently. It has always been an old cleaning mask and I assumed it was not the right kind. So that was kind of cool. I am sterilizing it with this black light my landlord has that kills everything.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you like your new home and neighborhood. At least you are finally escaping the old one.
from i-am-jack :
One of the worst parts of all this/the uncertainty is how long is this going to go on? I saw on the news they just re-opened Wuhan after several months, we'll see what happens. I don't even want to think about several more months of this, but it's very likely.
from i-am-jack :
Whew that's good that your apartment is in a different neighborhood. Where about are you? My best friend/old roomate lives outside Boulder. Longmont I think it's called? She said it's not the best neighborhood but not the worst. I really hope you don't have neighbor problems at the new place. So far here people have been mostly taking it seriously, but I am not sure how long that will last. The clown car house to left of me sure isn't and if they get it, I have it too pretty much. That place is a tinderbox in this situation.
from i-am-jack :
There is no certainty. There is not much point in doing any actual planning for the future right now. Well, past the ideas stage. I was just telling my therapist and my case manager that humanity is in time out. Everything is paused. There is not much we can do right now.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I hope you are not moving into the exact same shit you are going through all of this to escape.
from i-am-jack :
There is definitely less help for people like us. My therapist told me there is no mental hospital right now. They aren't taking anyone in. I am guessing they can't spare beds and doctors right now. They don't want anyone coming in for anything right now. My therapist's tooth is cracked but her dentist is not even doing emergencies. I am really freaked out too. It feels like the way things used to be was in some other dimension. People keep saying we will never go back to how things were before. I worry how changed things will be and will it be for the better?
from i-am-jack :
*"Well if you don't want to get sick you have to."
from i-am-jack :
I wondered if they cry off camera. I understand they are trying to be uplifting, reassuring and comforting and the world does need it. I mean, I clicked on it, right? I am not being nasty, but it does make me feel like some people are somehow having a great time despite it all and I am not. I'm still getting used to it and battling bad mood swings. I don't feel like it's getting any easier. I just told my landlord the other day "I can't live like this." His answer was both logical and wise. "Well if you don't want to get you have to." And he's right.
from i-am-jack :
My staycation ended only days before we had our first two cases here and a week before the shit started hitting the fan.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I am reading and I feel bad that you are stuck in your own situation in the middle of this situation. Everything is so fucked up. Maybe you are sick or having worsening symptoms because of the stress of it all? Moving is draining on every level during normal life, yet alone this. I love how they are telling us to stay healthy, physically and mentally, and giving us guidelines we can't necessarily follow. Okay wipe everything down with a mild bleach solution every day? With what bleach? That is so fucked up they didn't test your husband. That is where I think we really dropped the ball. We didn't test people and we are not monitoring whether people have fevers or not at public places.
from i-am-jack :
That is also depressingly awful how people are having a party back in Minnesota, brazenly having zero respect for well, anyone or anything. And I thought my dumb clown car trash neighbors were bad. They don't appear to be practicing any kind of distancing either, but not that bad.
from i-am-jack :
It's good to see you writing again. I have been hoping you are as okay as you can be during all this. Did you move to CO or just staying with family? I have been having a lot of existential crisis thoughts, feelings too. I think everyone is honestly. You have definitely had a positive effect on my life, for what it's worth. I miss it when you don't write, but I also understand the feeling of not feeling like it.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me feel better. There is something about wide open spaces that is inspiring. I hope you can get back to a creative place soon.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me sad that you are donating pretty much your whole studio. But if none if it means anything and it's just taking up space. I hope you aren't getting rid of all of your art and are still going to do art.
from i-am-jack :
Can you drop me a line and let me know you are okay, when you can?
from i-am-jack :
When I first got awarded mine I was in shock and disbelief too even after going through the process for about a year and going to court. I didn't even want to tell anyone or celebrate until I knew it was real. I can't even imagine how unreal it would be just appearing like that. I don't know why some people get it quicker with less fuss. It can take up to three years! I was lucky to get mine in a year and you even luckier to get it even faster. My sister didn't have to go to court either and got hers easily, but she also had super good lawyers. Her old job basically told her they were getting her on disability and did. Anyway I am so happy for you.
from i-am-jack :
Holy wow! They almost never just award it like that! My step dad got denied in court and he can't even stand or feel his feet anymore. It's a miracle really that you got it just like that. I am so happy for you! Congratulations on your new freedom and never having to ask yourself those horrible questions again.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry. I hope the new washing machine helps. I really wish he could get off that shit. It really is the most evil drug ever.
from i-am-jack :
It's really sad, I remember how your life used to be. I remember your yard and how things used to be, well what you told me. That is one of my fears about finally finding the perfect nowhere house of my dreams. Everything being ruined. This is going to sound crazy, but maybe it might help to play along with your husband to a degree. If you can really get inside his head, you might be able to convince him that you cured the bugs with some blend of oils you mixed up or something. My therapist does it with the most psychotic patients. One lady believed she was drained of all her blood because she had some drawn. My therapist gave her some juice and said if she drank it, she'd have blood again. It worked.
from i-am-jack :
My brother has the same problem. He is paranoid schizophrenic too and takes a lot of drugs. As far as I know he has never done meth, but he used to make a list of what he took that night in case he overdosed so they would know exactly what he did. He took so many combinations of God knows what. We have no idea how much of it is his illness and how much is all the drugs he won't stop doing. It definitely makes him worse he gets violent and dangerous. I'm glad you made it through the doctors visit safely.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah my dad is a crazy mean asshole. It was a jeering mocking laugh. He thought pretty much everything about me was stupid. He later admitted that he is envious of how people these days have choice. He really did hate his life and probably still does. He said even though he is old and has health problems now, he is happier finally living alone. He wouldn't trade it all to be young again and relive our dysfunctional family history over again. Sad when diabetes, heart and knee problems and kidney stones is way better than marriage and kids.
from i-am-jack :
I feel so bad that you have to deal with that. I feel bad for him too, living that nightmare as his reality.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I'm in about the same place. I feel like I know at least some things I need to do, but then I just fuck it up exactly the same and live the same day all over again.
from i-am-jack :
I told my dad that I didn't want to grow up and live like him, I just wanted a simple life and he laughed in my face. By the time I was in high school, I knew I absolutely had to chew my way out of this cage. Somehow.
from i-am-jack :
My theory on those buildings is they are cheap to put up, expensive to rent out and no one even looks at the world around them anymore so no need to make it anything other than functional. Everyone's heads are in their damn phones. Everything is so ugly and uninspired and the zombified masses don't even notice.
from i-am-jack :
You know, it's strange, I was born knowing my boundaries. I knew that I did not want to get married, have kids and wanted to live alone, since I can remember. It only grew stronger as I got older, contrary to what everyone around me said. You just haven't met the right one. Yeah well, I have fallen in love only twice and hard, and still did not want those things. Hell, I felt they would ruin everything.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, it depresses me how much everything is ruined here. Whether that is the usual surburban sprawl or the way they are destroying the built up areas by making them all into modern austere high rise crap. My little corner of the world when I was in my 20's is pretty much gone and replaced by these big piles of boxes that block out the sky. Those buildings look like piles of boxes someone just left there. Hoarder crap. I have no idea how anyone finds it exciting and modern.
from i-am-jack :
It can be a real big problem especially when you have people trying to live together. I have always felt the way you do about living with people. I was just talking to my old roomate/best friend yesterday and living with her new husband is making her miserable. She loves him but also has been fantasizing about just running away and living in a small apartment where she can do what she wants. I feel like I had enough of that shit growing up at home, no more. The closest I would come to living with someone is in a duplex like I am here with my landlord. Same house, separate spaces.
from i-am-jack :
I first started hearing keep it real in the late 90's/early 2000's but I am sure it was around before that. That was when it began catching on at least where I hung out. Detroit is so big it kind of spreads out into the areas around it, attitude, lingo, culture wise. I jokingly call it the stank ass 313 attitude. I didn't realize how aggressive we are or how much more we cuss than many other people until I left the area for a few months. Coming back, it felt like there was a dark cloud of toxic energy over the whole area. There are things I love about it like keeping it real, the no bullshit attitude, the food, we love to eat, but I mostly stay out of Detroit. I just live in the inescapable ambiance. I want to move to the country more every day, but I am guessing I have to way out there with the way over development is killing everything. That's why the Pure Michigan commercials make me mad.
from i-am-jack :
My sister calls it the dragon hoard mindset. Even after our basic needs are met, many of us feel the need to accumulate piles of over abundance. More than we'll ever use. It's strange what people hoard. My sister dated a guy whose mother bought tons of bar soap and toilet paper and gave it away to everyone she knew then bought more. She really loaded you up. I think some of it is survival minded/fear of lack like the soap, and some of it is we just like to collect stuff. Maybe it's still novel, like finding a pretty shell or feather would be to primitive humans. You pick it up and keep it. Except now we are surrounded by baubles everywhere we go.
from i-am-jack :
That's interesting, funny and weird about Minnesota nice. It reminds me of "Pure Michigan". That's the state motto and tourist slogan for our nature attractions. The commercials make it seem like this pristine place of natural beauty year round. Yeah sure. People here like to say Pure Bullshit or use it as sarcasm. There are nice things about our state, but most of that is hours away from me.
from i-am-jack :
The same thing happens to me. You get rid of a bunch of shit, then find something cool and bring it home. My whole family is better off living alone. We grew up in a huge house, yet mostly all stayed in our own little rooms. I have more space here in this tiny apartment just because it's mine and no one else is here. Also Minnesota nice is interesting. I experienced something similar in WI, there was this whole gee whiz nicey nice vibe to your face but so much two facedness. One of the few things I like and am proud of about Detroit is "Keeping it real".
from moodswing :
It's true.. Minnesota nice is, in fact, bullshit. Didn't realize you were here.
from moodswing :
perceptions v 2: we are in completely different situations, but thank you for writing that
from i-am-jack :
I know the feeling of everything weighing on you more and more. Trying to find even the smallest it could be worse joys. I think you have the extra burden of being an empath and absorbing everyone else's weight on top of yours. And you want to help everyone. Maybe you need some you time. Some time away from everyone else's energies, at least for a little while. If the weather is decent, maybe go to Quarry Hill.
from i-am-jack :
My sister believes the same thing, that we are still evolving as a species. I hope so. It seems that there are patches of humanity that are and patches that are going the other direction as fast as they can.
from i-am-jack :
Wow, I really felt and related to so much of that.
from i-am-jack :
My theory is things are the way they are because of the bad side of human nature. We are still very much survival minded bad monkeys despite being the apex species and having a neo cortex. That has been on my mind lately. We are so evolved or at least dominant and this is how we're using it?
from i-am-jack :
https://bukowski.net/poems/crunches.php This is the page with the 3 versions.
from i-am-jack :
I looked up that poem and found a site with three different versions he wrote . Two were from 1977 and then one in 1999. I think this part from the 1999 version is especially poignant now: "we don't need new governments new revolutions we don't need new men new women we don't need new ways we just need to care."
from i-am-jack :
"People act like it's a crime to need help so they treat you like a criminal." That's exactly it. I have a formerly homeless friend I met on this site and he has so many stories about how horrible they treated people at soup kitchens or just getting in line for coffee in the morning. They bark at them like prisoners and treat them like farm animals. Definitely not like human beings. Why can't people just help people without making it a dehumanizing power thing? I have no idea why DHS workers even get into that field of work if the last thing they want to do is help people. It's fucked up that is the system everywhere and that we even have a society so full of holes that people need it.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds like their typical shit. And I used to think it was just my ghetto ass office. I love how we are on such a strict timeline, but they can disappear for weeks, not answer or call back and never call when they say they will then say *you* missed the call. The call they never made. DHS workers are total fucking scum. If they are refusing to work with you, what else can you do but say fuck them? Even if it means not getting help you are entitled to. It sucks giving them what they want. I almost got blacklisted for going off on them so bad.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry. That really is fucked up and horrible. They fuck people around and fuck them over and yet no one holds them accountable. Most of them deserve to lose their jobs. Again I am sorry.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I'm sorry. That is fucked up. They fucked up and now you have to pay for it. I hope you can get it taken care of somehow. At least get on a reasonable payment plan. That would make me stress sick too. Dealing with those people is too much.
from i-am-jack :
Carpet really is one of the dirtiest, nastiest things. When I moved back in here, after I stopped living with my old roomate/bestfriend at her parents house, the first thing I did was tear out all the carpeting, except the hoarder room. The place had aired out all summer and fall and still stunk. It was that bad. The carpet in the hoarder room didn't smell, and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor so I left it. But now it has carpet beetles. Carpet beetles are a great reason to never have carpeting again, as if I wasn't sold before. If only I had ripped it out with the rest of it. I took a break from the laundry for a few days for Christmas then getting sick, but it's almost done. I am hoping I can do better at keeping it up.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, I am glad I got through it and got it all done in one day. I am trying not to think about it but it's still crossing my mind and it is driving me crazy, ha crazier, not being able to talk to my therapist even. I have been sick the last few days and it's probably from all the stress my body went through from that damn "test." I know you have had your share of falling through the cracks too. Wow that is just brain dead irresponsible that they declared your depression "in total remission", when you were manic right in front of them. For one, people are generally not magically cured from MDD, EVER, and two they couldn't see your mood swings and mania? They shouldn't even be practicing. That's up there with the crisco lady.
from i-am-jack :
There is nothing funny about this, but I did kind of grin to myself when I read about the hoarder mindset of never touching something again, because as I am going through the house, I am finding all kinds of bites in the ass because of just that. I grinned because it's true. Just today, I am finally doing my laundry after 3 months, some of it from last summer. I have been finding these weird stains that look like sweat or coffee, but in an ink transfer pattern? Sometimes they come off easy with water and other times not. I have a favorite hoodie soaking in some oxy clean and water right now.
from i-am-jack :
That's both a sad and horrible story. I would be really disturbed and sad about that too. I'm sorry you couldn't save it. I have to admit, I have a love of the same kinds of smells. I would never intentionally go huff some mold, but there is something homey and comforting about those old soft decomposition smells to me. I was never the same after tearing up the old pet soiled carpeting here. I despised that smell and when I opened it up it was moldy as well as everything else going on. Now I have a paranoia about carpeting never being clean and only want wood floors and rugs.
from i-am-jack :
I was looking at some stuff at Michaels yesterday. I am starting to come up with some ideas.
from i-am-jack :
My grandma (dad's mom) used to always have bird or flower calendars and cross off the days. I remember my mom thought that was weird. It was the first time I saw it as a kid.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I might check those out. I'll probably start with something cheap and simple, in case I don't use it. And there won't be pressure to not waste something nicer. I am going to have to figure out something that works but does not feel like being a prisoner scratching off the days on a wall.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I feel a little better. You know I might have to get a calendar and start doing the same thing. Apparently appointment cards on the fridge are not enough anymore. The part that is really bothering me is I never used to be like this. I was the opposite. And it still feels like something unexplainable weird happened.
from i-am-jack :
That was an intense entry! Very charged.
from i-am-jack :
It really is strangely reassuring. I'll have to ask my sister if she feels it too. We didn't go too often and when we did it was a big exciting treat like going to the movies or something. It's weird that I have both good memories of it and bad trip feeling ones. Even not going too much, we couldn't stand the food after a while. Yeah the gangs started using the games area as their arcade. I was little enough that I was more interested in the rides, the playground stuff and the ball crawl.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me feel better. There really was something weird about that place. Kind of nauseating or something. I remember after a while none of us could stand eating the pizza anymore. It just got worse and worse and was so over priced. Then the one my family went to got dangerous. It was on the border of a bad neighborhood. It just got rowdy, tense and really scary. It felt like a riot was going to break out any minute. When it became Chuck E Cheese, they took out all the games for the older kids because gangs started hanging out there.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, I'll watch for it and let you know when it gets here.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for still being mine.
from i-am-jack :
I completely understand you not wanting to record or remember things right now, but I always read your entries and care about what you write. I miss it when you don't write.
from i-am-jack :
Happy Thanksgiving. However you celebrate if you do. The big snow they were calling for Tuesday night for today must have missed us. I was expecting to wake up to a white Thanksgiving. It's not in the forecast anymore. I'm glad.
from i-am-jack :
The snow you have, will be here tomorrow. We briefly had a cool early spring afternoon yesterday. Then last night the high howling winds of hell frozen over blowing in, all day today too. The snow is supposed to come tonight or tomorrow. And I really feel you on the city that never takes a break ever. They're still flying around the block in their hood rods, like it's fucking summer. Fools stand in their driveways, yell talking while the car warms up for over 20 minutes. Get in the car or go back in the house! The adults just seem to be larger versions of toddlers around here. I wouldn't want to lose my hearing to not have to hear them anymore though.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you're feeling better and got some fresh air. We're having a bit of a warm up here, during the day anyway, but more cold and snow is on the way. I hope you got to enjoy some nice fall air while it lasts.
from i-am-jack :
Damn...I really am sorry you are so sick. I wish I knew what else to say.
from i-am-jack :
I *am* all too familiar
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are so sick and have to deal with all that other shit. I relate so much to the never ending government papers. Back when I was receiving and well surviving off state services, and filing for disability, it was never ending. It is such fucking bullshit how they drop their mail bombs on Friday, especially when it's something time sensitive. If you got a robo call about your insurance, it might actually be a spam/scam call like that fake car warranty scam. Hopefully it's nothing. But I all too familiar with the anxiety of dealing with that bullshit. I hope you feel better soon and your insurance covers everything.
from i-am-jack :
Oh my God...you are a hell of a lot braver than me. Reading that made my gut scrunch up and go all squicky. I just have a bad dark floater in my left eye and sometimes that eye swells up and goes slightly out of focus, (on the concussion side) and I have been putting off doing anything about it. And that's nothing compared to what you just went through. Damn I am sorry.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope it was/is.
from i-am-jack :
Good luck with your eye surgery.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you have had to watch him get sicker and sicker. It is fucked up there isn't a better system in place that took care of people like him and kept them off the streets. One that actually respected and treated them well. Instead of being so bad they prefer to live outside.
from i-am-jack :
That is really sad about Big K. My brother was starting to get like that before my dad kicked him out. He destroyed things my sister and even things my grandma gave him when we were kids when he was psychotic and paranoid. It's sad but it's probably a good thing you didn't give him a bracelet. The cat analogy is really sad. We had a neighborhood alpha male cat around here for years I named Pierre and he just got more and more raggedy. The last time I saw him his face was scarred up then I never saw him again.
from i-am-jack :
And thank you for your note about my entry. It helped me see my living situation, as more independent and not as codependent as others would like me to feel. Though I do rely on him a lot. I mean, my brother is on the street because he literally is not capable of keeping a roof over his head. He got kicked out of homeless shelters. I honestly think they are jealous of me for having a stable living situation.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, I think you are a good person. You are one of the most altruistic people I know. You don't even know if that guy likes you or not and you have been helping him for years. You worry about him, think of him, when possibly no one else does.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you again. Well with my family, especially my sister, I am not living independently. I am just squatting up here. It's more like living with family (chosen) than on my own. Basically I am expected to graduate from this half way house/starter home and have my own adult home/life. I know I got really lucky with my landlord, and they are really jealous so they hate me/look down on me and say all kinds of shit. They want me to have my own place, so they can prey on me with him out of the way. That or they want to horn in on the good thing I have. They think making me feel cornered/surrounded is going to make me want to move out?
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. It is so hard to see and even appreciate that fact sometimes, when the rest of my mentally ill family and other people make me feel bad about myself. I have this blind spot that makes it hard to see my own progress and anything good about me. Thanks to a life time of toxic programming. Thanks again for your note.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you make some good money on the Ebay store. Yeah see what you have. I want one, and I also want to support your art.
from i-am-jack :
Is the blood stone bracelet you lost and found one of the ones you made? I would like one of your bead bracelets.
from i-am-jack :
As for the home redecorating, yeah it's a thing. My grandma is like that. She just redid the kitchen and bathroom and got all new everything. She is hardly rich, but does get bored and isn't sentimental about stuff really. Personally, I think it's crazy that people get new couches every few years and throw away expensive still good furniture and decor because they're bored. My old roomate/best friend's mom redid the house constantly. She does it too, but does have lots of sentimental mainstays. She's kind of in the middle. It bothers me too. I like things old, familiar and comfortable not fresh and exciting.
from i-am-jack :
It's way too easy to get caught up in Youtube addiction. Especially when you are procrastinating or just don't want to deal with your life. After a while, like any bender you do feel "soggy" and just not good. So many times, I find myself watching true junk food I am getting nothing out of and could care less about. That's when it's time to stop but easier said than done. I think it's purposely set up to be addictive.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you found your bloodstone bracelet. This sounds crazy, but I do believe that things, especially thing like that, do "magically" disappear sometimes. Sometimes reappearing in odd places or showing up again at just the right time. It has happened to me a lot. I have also occasionally had things magically disappear and never come back. Ironically one of these things was my "Dumbo feather".
from moodswing :
Hello, please.
from i-am-jack :
Okay. We're good. ;^) Yeah I am interested in the recipe. Supplements are expensive and they are not even all absorbable. The article you sent me years ago talked about how black pepper is important in a good supplement for absorption. I tried a cheaper supplement without it after my go-to was gone, and I could tell the difference.
from i-am-jack :
That's a really sad story about the last cottonwood and all the trees you have lost. I never made that promise to myself, but I know that feeling. I have lost a lot of my special trees too and somehow after they are gone, you do feel less at home like part of you has been uprooted. A year ago they took down the locust bean in front of my landlord's house because it was slowly dying of "tree cancer". Now the tree of heaven in the back yard is almost dead. They were both special and felt like friends to me.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry if I added even more shit to what you are already dealing with. I would have unsent it if I could have. I am feeling physically better today. Taking some magnesium last night seemed to help my eye swell down. It was still swollen even after the sinus pain was gone. It just happens sometimes and I don't know why. I should probably find a good turmeric supplement and start taking that again. They discontinued the one I was using.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for noting me back. (((Hugs))) if that's okay. I am sorry you are going through so much. I did send you an email titled "Paranoid". You know me so well. You can just delete it if you want.
from i-am-jack :
I am really worried about you.
from i-am-jack :
I totally get the feeling and what you are saying, but the way you put it is funny and right on.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah especially when your heart is being broken again. That connection is all my old roomate/best friend wants in life. She's a Cancer like you. She told me all she wanted since she was a kid was to find and marry her soul mate. She keeps ending up in one abusive relationship after another. We have this conversation a lot. I don't feel that way, but I have been hurt too much. It takes a lot to get into my scarred up heart.
from i-am-jack :
And if they do, they probably end up losing it. I ask myself all the time if I would be better off if I never met the ones it hurt the most to lose. If love just means loss, then why?
from i-am-jack :
I really hope you can get it.
from i-am-jack :
At least he can see it. In my experience, most of them try to discourage you from trying to get on disability and try to tape you back together with meds and dumb coping mechanisms that are as useful as firing Nerf balls at a raging bear. Meanwhile none of it works and you just keep getting crazier. I am so lucky I found my therapist, even if it did take being taken away by the police to get taken seriously. She seriously saved my life. Again I am so glad you found someone who actually wants to help you. As for me, I feel like I am having my own personal Mercury Retrograde. I actually checked to see if we were having one.
from i-am-jack :
That's great news! I'm so happy that you finally found someone who is actually helping you! I know it took me a long time too. Almost too long If he suggested you get on disability in just 2 sessions, it sounds like you have a strong case. They usually don't want to help that fast if at all. I am so happy you found real help.
from i-am-jack :
I have done the coffee diet and yeah the weight falls off, especially if you are doing physical work at the same time. But it'll fall off just sitting on the computer too. I was eating hardly any food and mostly coffee and got scary thin. Also I'm sorry you are dealing with everything you are. He is damn lucky to have you, even if he doesn't see or appreciate it. I hope you can find a therapist that is helpful. I felt and feel the same way about therapy sometimes, but hey it's better than having no one at all. I feel the same way about not wanting to unload any more than I do on friends and family. It's good to have a guilt free catharsis person and a voice of reason.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you! ;^}'
from i-am-jack :
It's crazy how balmy and cool, 80 with low humidity feels after that. And that used to be how it was most of the summer until mid to end of July-August. So regular summer now feels cool to us. Fucked up. I have noticed it is getting hotter every year with higher and higher humidity. I have had to use my preventative inhaler that I have only needed in the winter, this year. It is definitely fucked up and I agree that it's probably too late.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, same to you. Right now I am enjoying a temporary reprieve from 90's and high humidity. I am enjoying it while I can, it'll be back soon. It has been a really weird summer, it's so hot out that it has actually been quieter, because everyone is hiding out inside, like winter. But it's also so hot the birds even stop singing and hide too. Yeah it's weird. I definitely feel and see climate change. It was so humid a week ago, I had to let some sponges I used dry outside in the sun, they weren't drying inside the house. I've never done that before.
from i-am-jack :
After reading your entry, it doesn't feel right to just say "Happy Birthday!" But I want to acknowledge you on it at least. I haven't liked my birthdays either for years now. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. You stay cool too. Yeah it was kind of crappy, but it was great finally getting it done and I don't feel it as much when I am in the zone. I got it done just in time. After that, it got *really* hot for the last week or so. I crashed out and laid around like a dead animal. We finally got a good hard rain and now 80 feels chilly! It's crazy. I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it has already been in the high 80's and one day was 90 with high humidity. It doesn't help that even with open windows and a vent in the roof, the landing gets extremely hot. It was pretty much last call unless I want to wait until fall. The heat definitely slowed me down some days, when I had to stop and take a lot breaks. I got really bad heat rash all over my whole body. It didn't help that I was covered with dirt and dust sticking to my sweat making me itch. I'm glad that part is over.
from i-am-jack :
I hope things are going as well as they can with that. I was not online as much for a week, because I was power cleaning the back stairs/landing/storage closet. I found more damn beetles there so everything was washed and had to be gone through. I got rid of good amount of old junk. At least I feel like I am getting somewhere having at least one part of the house finished. I am getting this done in spurts but I am going to have to pick up the pace if I ever want them fully gone.
from i-am-jack :
Random but thank you for being my friend for such a long time. You are one of my oldest online friends and my oldest friend on here.
from i-am-jack :
I remembered this old song. Shit Towne. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O-sqYN13SU
from i-am-jack :
I keep wishing a sweet old couple would move in next door. I imagine them keeping the place clean, gardening, making jelly and trading garden produce with my landlord. The sweetest grandparent figures you could hope for. But nothing but fucking clown car trash move in. I know the feeling of idyllic dreaming in a shit neighborhood.
from i-am-jack :
It made me really sad reading about having to leave your yard and all your plants and trees. You worked so hard to make a nature haven and now are being run out by fucking redneck monsters.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that really sucks that you have that. At least your teeth are really healthy despite everything else. Some people just have weak teeth even if they take care of them. At least that's not one more thing. Thanks for reminding me that I can look into other options. The others are not a priority and there is no need to rush it.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. Yeah it really is. I thought that the hard part would be getting through getting the work done then I would be okay. The tooth definitely needed to be done. I did something to it when I went to bite down on a pretzel and caught it with just the back edge and mostly chomped down with the gum. It hurt like HELL. I thought I broke it but never found any pieces. I had on and off weird nervey pain for years. I was too scared go when it happened. It was worse than the others so we took care of it right away. I am looking into maybe finding somewhere that does it with a laser instead of a drill. You don't even need to be numbed up. I have a month to see how I feel about this filling. I remember you writing something about still having baby teeth, a long time ago.
from i-am-jack :
Damn you're not kidding that it's a waste land. Worse than that even. It almost sounds like something you'd see on South Park, but it's not funny because it's real. I'm glad you're getting out of there.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth I have always enjoyed your writing, art and poetry. You do have a distinct energy that seems like it's too you to you, maybe because you are you, but that is what I really like about it. I can feel it on everything you send me and in everything you do. It's more powerful and cool than you think. I think you are definitely a true artist, but life can really take a toll on us creative types.
from i-am-jack :
Reading that, I could almost *feel* it more as raw pain than words. I'm worried about you.
from i-am-jack :
I knew that some people with autism are non verbal, but do not know much about it being selective. They knew nothing about this when I was growing up so I was never properly diagnosed until 2 years ago. My sister did a lot of research because me, her and my brother all show signs. She called it. I remember once when I was a kid, my dad introduced me to some people and I couldn't talk and just kind of waved. He gave me a really hard time about it later. According to him I was always embarrassing him. The only time I really notice it now is when sometimes it comes out silent, but that does not feel like I felt the other night. I looked at the link you sent. I don't think I have an intolerance to those things. Apple cider vinegar makes me feel great and strangely so do pickles. Cheese, chocolate and wine don't bother me. I don't do super fermented foods. I can tell real quick what makes me feel good and bad usually.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. I am sorry about your husband.
from i-am-jack :
I relate so much. I wonder if some of it is we are/were professionals and have much higher standards and are now a bit OCD about maintaining them. We also got used to cleaning all day and now do it at home, almost out of programmed habit. I used to be able to get so much more done faster too and have plenty of energy left for creatuve outlets. I think about that a lot. I know I used to drink a lot more caffeine and sleep less and get more done before meds. Medication aged me 10 years energy wise. Maybe we are just starting to slow down.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds really cool, I am going to have to check that out.
from i-am-jack :
It definitely effects your mind staying in one place for a very long time. I dream of my dad's house, my first school and the Irish pub/steak house I worked at, all the time. All of them places I stayed at the longest in my life. I know I will be dreaming of this place too if/when I ever leave. I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, if it harms you in some way. I am the kind of person that does not like change, and the world is changing faster and faster and not for the better. I think the kind of world you and I want and need to live in is going extinct.
from i-am-jack :
I hope the weather is getting better and you are feeling better. I relate so much to your last entry. My neighborhood is turning into one of those neighborhoods, but full of hood rich fucks and dumb actually rich fucks that like living in the hood in a McMansion. They are tearing down all the trees and all the old houses. Perfectly good charming old houses and building million dollar plastic crap. I am torn between wanting to get away and loving this house and my landlord.
from i-am-jack :
That's crazy that it's not melting and just keeps piling up like that. It sounds impossible to keep up. I'm sorry.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are not feeling well either. I guess it's just been a fucked up winter instead of a quiet peaceful one. The snow situation sounds terrifying, then depressing and frustrating. I only experienced knee deep snow once and it was fucked up. My dad was out of town and my brother and I were trying to shovel but the wind kept blowing it all back at us. It ended up taking my uncle and someone else (I forget) both snow blowing to get it cleaned up. It was a 2 snow blower job. I'm sorry you are too tired depressed to deal with it and are getting cabin fever. I like the painting though.
from i-am-jack :
I saw the horrible weather you got hit with, on the news today and thought of you. Sorry I have not been around much, it seems like every time I start to do a little better, I get hit with another wave of crap. I am probably going to be hamburger by the end of this week. I was going to write on here tonight but I keep getting security notices from both Firefox and Internet Explorer that something on here expired or some bullshit. I have to go through hurdles and keep overriding shit just to use the site, so never mind. I have to get to bed anyway so I can clean tomorrow.
from i-am-jack :
Another thought on bombings/bomb threats/school shootings, it's when they don't announce it that something actually happens.
from i-am-jack :
We never had a bomb threat at my school, but my best friend was pretty crazy and wanted to do something for real. She had dropped out and said if she ever showed up and told me to come with her, then go. I thought it was both scary and exciting honestly. This was years before it was in the news all the time. I had some of my own fantasies. I really wish my parents had done a better job of teaching me real vs perceived threats. They both did a number on me in their own ways. My mom had me and my sister running away from squirrels, bees, and even a kitten! And we loved animals! My dad put a stop to that but he terrorized us even worse than thinking a squirrel that was minding its own business had rabies and was going to bite.
from i-am-jack :
It really is nice. It's one of the things I enjoy the most about my life. Even when I am feeling like crap, at least I have that. The other day I was eating popcorn with chop sticks just for fun.
from i-am-jack :
I know that it just happens, but I meant that it happens to me faster than most people and at less cold temperatures. Most of the time, I can prevent it by dressing right. Even if I am more bundled up than everyone else.
from i-am-jack :
It really is depressing what people are expected to become if you can call it that. It should be more like how we imagine it will be when we are kids. When I was a kid, I wanted to one day be as weird as I wanted to. At least that part came true.
from i-am-jack :
The back landing stairs here do not have heat either. It's like a garage temperature wise pretty much. If I don't put on a coat to walk down stairs to see my landlord, I freeze my ass off in probably less than a minute. I have never had good circulation. My hands and feet freeze way easier than other people. It doesn't take much to make my fingers and lips go blue. I have been that way since I was a kid. The other day I was driving when it was much warmer and I had that hammer fingers feeling wearing thick gloves. I froze in the tub the other week because it is up against an outside wall with poor insulation and a window. The heat got sucked right out of the water and wind was coming in through the window cracks and it felt like the wall too. In less extreme conditions, it's usually fine.
from i-am-jack :
That is a cute picture. You just can't fake that kind of gleefulness. I am sorry you had to lose both of your parents so close together. I don't think all the joy is gone yet, it can just be really hard to find sometimes. It can be even harder to be receptive to it, when it used to be a state of being. It's strange that people call that growing up and that it's supposedly normal.
from i-am-jack :
When I heard on the news what kinds of temperatures you were having, I couldn't believe it. I know you have much more brutal winters, but still. I can't even imagine -30 being the actual temperature. That is scary as hell. We are not meant to survive that kind of cold and not much we built is either. My truck battery froze and I had to get a new one. When I was in the bath, the wind was coming through the walls and I needed a hot bowl of soup to warm up after. I worked fast and my nails still turned blue. The house is not insulated that great, but fuck it's never that bad.
from i-am-jack :
This polar vortex storm really has been crazy. I have just been staying in and hunkering down too. Nothing else you can do. They even shut down the post office for 2 days. Monday it is going to be 50 after it was just one degree yesterday with wind chills in the -20's. I am kind of scared to see how hot it is going to feel in comparison. After that it drops off into the 30's again. This is the weirdest winter I have ever seen. Until a week or two ago it hadn't even snowed and was in the 30's and 40's. It's not good.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that is just horrible and disgusting. I'm sorry you are sick. I hope you feel better soon.
from i-am-jack :
Colorado is not somewhere I would want to live either. Your husband just visited my best friend/old roomate's corner of town. She loves it there but from what she's told me about it, I do not want to live there. It's way too expensive and too many people, too flaky and trendy, too hot. When she first moved there she got sick too. Then when her ex husband (they are on good terms) moved out there he got really sick. She blamed altitude sickness but it sounds like it's just dark ages filthy out there. I'm glad your husband got home safely and you don't have to be alone and worry about him anymore.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it was a bummer. I ended up dumping them into the grease jar and washing out the bottles. At least I got some nice brown glass bottles out of it. I was just thinking of getting some olive oil. Thanks for the advice. I have been buying the raw honey at the grocery store and it's really good. We used to have a local bee keeper not far from here for years. They supplied a lot of the grocery stores. I am not sure if they were open to the public but they seem to have moved out of state. I might be able to find another one at a farmer's market.
from i-am-jack :
"You're still living in a toxic shithole of a planet and can only do the best you can." Exactly. That sums it all up in a GMO nutshell. That is depressing about the olive oil and the honey. I recently bought some oils and quickly learned the difference between 100% essential oil and "oil". The bottles said 100% black pepper oil and 100% sweet violet oil. Well that translated to rancid cooking oil with a trace amount of flavoring. Just trying a drop on a toothpick made me sick. Now these were imported, I got them at the Middle Eastern grocery store near me (that actually has a lot of really good cool stuff) so maybe the packaging laws are different, but fuck! Yeah that was 100% oil but it sure wasn't pepper or violet. Guess that's what I get for getting excited about $2.99 oils in fancy looking bottles.
from i-am-jack :
Even if you did cook your own dinner with the best ingredients you could find, when it comes to food, everything is fucked up any more. Unless we grow it ourselves, we have no idea if the food at the grocery store is GMO or not. If the organic food you paid for actually is. Who bought out and owns what. I think it's depressing that Clorox now owns Burt's Bees and are changing the ingredients some of the products. It's really frustrating to not only eat well/healthy but to also eat ethically and now non toxic as well. It's near impossible to do all 3.
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas. I hope you have a peaceful winter.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. That's really sad and fucked up.
from i-am-jack :
It really is a fucked up jungle of a system. They didn't take me seriously for most of my life either. It took completely giving up, letting go and losing my mind before anyone took me seriously. It made me even more crazy not being believed. That one gas lighting therapist made me even worse. So many people fall through the cracks because they're "not sick enough" or worse "fine."
from i-am-jack :
I think it's both marketing and reputation. They are almost suffering from tenured in syndrome. You told me before how bad it is, but I am still shocked at how fucked up it is.
from bliss-sad :
If you're open to an audience, I'd love to keep reading. Abracadabra, my fellow midwesterner.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you are able to treat yourself naturally and feel better soon.
from i-am-jack :
Crisco? That lady shouldn't even be practicing. Your doctors really are horrible.
from i-am-jack :
It's depressing and disgusting really that Black Friday starts on Thanksgiving night. It really is pure greed and commercial crap now. It doesn't even try to be warm and fuzzy or even remotely sentimental anymore. It's just one long gimmicky shopping spree. There is nothing "holy" or sacred left.
from i-am-jack :
I like your thoughts on "substance."
from illusionless :
Alakazam!
from i-am-jack :
Yeah I am definitely there myself. But you are right.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry. I wish I could make you feel better.
from i-am-jack :
I have been feeling that way too for a long time. Even though the initial reasons that made me feel that way are long gone, out dated in a personal time line way. It is an extremely hard place to come back from. There might be something to drinking contributing. I feel like I am still dealing with the consequences of drinking my life away back in 2015-2016. I really let the house go, picked up a lot of lazy bad habits, accumulated too much clutter, lots of things. I think what we are feeling is from a combination of both heavy drinking and long term depression.
from i-am-jack :
That or the change is entirely in their favor and benefits them.
from i-am-jack :
Human's don't do change well. I know I sure don't.
from frankie123 :
abracadabra pls!
from i-am-jack :
Yeah really. You would think it was the presidential election the way the frenzied hysteria has been. However it never fully died down after the last presidential election. I was waiting and waiting for things to go back to normal, regardless of how it turned out. But it never did. I was also naive enough to think the media spectacle around the current president would eventually die down to the same level as any one else we have ever had in office. Hell no. Things never went back to normal. I have never seen anything like this in my life. And that is just terrifying that they were pounding on your door like that. What the hell is wrong with people.
from i-am-jack :
I emailed you for a password and sent a regular email last night. I hope everything is okay.
from i-am-jack :
Damn...I am sorry. That really is horrible, disturbing and sad that happened to him.
from i-am-jack :
If you know or once knew that guy, that is scary. He looks all corporate glazed over. Brainwashed or something. I'd be disturbed my friend looked like that too.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. That's reassuring. I thought you meant completely disappearing from the internet. Yes of course we would could still email.
from i-am-jack :
Well I am glad you are back. I was worried that you were going to completely fall off the map and I wouldn't hear from you again. I have been thinking the same thing about myself, my anxiety is a mess right now and I am sick of how I am reacting to too much stress too. Too many too's there. But anyway I never really thought about this time of year and how it relates to dreams, it makes sense though. I used to write down most of my dreams and there is always more to them that comes up when I do.
from i-am-jack :
I just realized I did not respond to your last note about dreams. I did in my head and thought I really did. I have also been typing out texts and either forgetting to hit send or the send button is stickier than I thought. As terrifying as they were at least that one helped me realize some things. Writing them out helps me analyze them. After writing them out my dreams calmed down for a few days, then this morning I had another dream about bleeding to death only this time it was a friend of mine slashing my shoulder. I hope that wasn't a dream about back stabbing.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you see this before you unplug if you do. I related to your last post a lot. I always say if I timed it right, I could be dead up here for at least a week before any one noticed, especially now that no one from the program comes out anymore. Even with me telling them that. If/when I finally move out to the middle of nowhere it would be exactly like in your entry. I have been thinking of unplugging for a while too and have been paranoid about technology again but then everyone I know is in here and this is all I have most of the time. I don't have many "real life" friends anymore and am closer to some people online than some in real life. So yeah. I would notice if you disappeared.
from whystinger :
I'd have to agree with you about the environmental issues. People are in denial and many are smart people. Some of the smarties are just too tied in to political parties or are so smart, they have no common sense. I try to do my small part, hoping that if enough of us do it, it will snowball and help the earth. I recycle all that I can, I keep as much out of the landfills as possible and pollute as little as possible. It could be that there are too many people on the earth - much more than it was thought that the earth could sustain. They key is for everyone to do their part and take care of the earth and environment. 20+ years ago I lived through some environmental issues in my condo in NJ. I had allergies and the place was moldy and mildewy. I had to do a lot of things to make life better for my self. Clean those moldy shelves (with bleach/water) or get rid of them, consider wearing a doctor's mask when outside due to the ash...
from i-am-jack :
That is really strange that they read that in school. That's why I thought maybe it wasn't that bad. Well as "not that bad" as it can be given the subject matter. Like I told another friend that left me a note, I don't even have any morbid curiosity left about reading it. I didn't read a lot of books that most people read in school. I didn't read the Catcher in the Rye either. I did get to read Lord of the Rings, and Call of the Wild, which I had read myself before we did in school. I understood and enjoyed it a lot more the second time, because I was a little too young to fully appreciate and get it the first time.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I thought about reading it, in light of everything on my mind, but just reading the synopsis, I had a feeling that was a really bad idea. Especially with two characters I already related to one named Jack. And then the pig head. I don't want to start seeing that thing again. It felt too close to home, at least where I'm at now. I'll avoid reading it, I'm having a hard enough time. I probably do need something lighter.
from i-am-jack :
That is so cool about the baby turtle and how it survived against the odds. It is a hopeful story in some pretty scary depressing times. I feel the same way you do about the future. Strange, I was just thinking about all that a lot last night.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know you are still alive. I'm sorry you are still sick. I hope you feel better soon.
from i-am-jack :
I'm worried about you. I hope you are okay.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds horrible and terrifying. I have had some pretty bad reactions to meds, but they have never tried to kill me before. I'm glad you survived. It sounded like you were having a heart attack or something. I can not believe your husband then suggested *more* meds? He really is out of his mind. I hope you can naturally take care of yourself. I have been thinking the same thing. We just aren't meant for pharmaceutical crap. Sorry if this is loopy, it's been a long day, and I am exhausted and manic at the same time. Tomorrow is going to be long too.
from i-am-jack :
You don't know how painfully relatable your last entry is.
from i-am-jack :
Also it's cool that you won the cards. You don't need to get a personality, you have one. It's most other people that are 2 dimensional and boring.
from i-am-jack :
If you want to get that degree then go for it. You would have to find the right demographic and community to make a living off it, but in the right places that sort of thing is huge. My client and her husband see holistic doctors and are hardly taking any pharmaceuticals and they are in the 70's.
from i-am-jack :
"I could use some fucking peace, but I don't think that's possible anymore." God I am all too familiar with that feeling. Last night I woke up around 3am and thought about actually getting up and enjoying the quiet for a few hours, even if that meant skipping my meds. Then my asshole neighbor pulls in the driveway under my window. That shit box house never sleeps. I am sick of the labored breathing of all their cars, their trash music and the slamming doors and horns all hours of the day and night. Quiet? Who am I kidding? I took my meds and just went back to bed.
from whystinger :
Wow, looks like you are really going through a lot of shit and stuff. That has to be very difficult. I don't read your diary often enough to really know the who, what where, how and why, but I hear your frustration. Don't break your now laws or your personal vows. I broke several of my personal laws for my (now) ex-wife and I wish that I hadn't. I had to break them for her and for me to learn that I shouldn't have compromised them. If he has mental illness, that is probably why the alcohol abuse, he's self medications (but you know that, sorry for the no-shit observation). Have you sought out some help from some organizations like your local NAMI affiliate? I hope all goes well for you.
from i-am-jack :
You should do more. I really like it. Thanks. Yeah it has definitely been a head fuck and is taking a lot of getting used to. Surprisingly I have been mostly staying out of trouble, but I am also just exhausted.
from i-am-jack :
It really *was* a horrible depressing nightmare and it felt so real even after I woke up for a few minutes. Thanks for the note and even more for caring.
from i-am-jack :
Your most recent entry is both sad and beautiful poetically. I can imagine that as spoken word.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it really has been.
from i-am-jack :
Damn it really has been a bad growing year.
from i-am-jack :
Even if you didn't get depressed and distracted and let the garden go, it has been a bad growing year anyway. My landlord let his garden go a little bit, but not that bad, and everything is eaten full of holes, dead or dying earlier than it should be. Starting fresh and reclaiming your home can be very therapeutic. That was probably better for you than the AA meeting would have been. I know cleaning and home projects keep me sane, and I have a lot of reclaiming to do too. It's getting done little by little.
from i-am-jack :
LOL it was awful and it made me so sick. Not only was I sick to my stomach, I was in pain too. I definitely learned my lesson.
from i-am-jack :
It looked like brown creek water but tasted like citrusy iced tea. Now my "space drink" was horrible. I went through a phase where I was fascinated by the moon and astronauts. I thought it would be cool to make my own meal replacement drink by mixing Pepsi, a slice of pizza, a piece of cake and a scoop of ice cream. I have no idea why the adults even let me put all that in one cup, but they did. My parents told me not to drink it, but I chugged at least half of it down and spent the rest of the evening crying and holding my stomach. It made me so sick.
from i-am-jack :
The Ice Zumbro made me think of my own beverage creation as a kid. I mixed Tang, instant powdered iced tea and green Koolaid together and called it Creek Water Punch because it did look like water from the creek behind our house. My parents always acted like it was the Love Canal, but it was mostly just full of old junk. There was nothing living left to shit in it, so their claims of Ecoli were probably bullshit. When I showed them my new drink, they were scared for a minute I used real creek water. It was funny.
from i-am-jack :
It's good to see you getting out and enjoying yourself a little.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you an email.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. Yes it is bullshit. I called my therapist this morning and she said this is not normal and we are going to get to the bottom of it. Though of course, I still have to do it again.
from u-saved-me :
Very true, nothing stays the same for long.<3
from secret-motel :
I'm very sorry about your brother. I hope he makes a full recovery. It's easy to get lost in one's own darkness and fail to see all the light and love around us. I hope he comes through and feels how loved and appreciated he is.
from i-am-jack :
(((Hugs))) if that's okay. My heart breaks for you.
from whystinger :
The end of days. Not totally sure of what you are speaking, but this does give me ideas. If you are talking about death, all I can say is the earth is never the same after each of us touches the earth and nothing can undo that. Each of us will make a dent in the earth and leave our mark which can never be undone. We can only do our best and be our best. Awesome entry - making me think and ponder and reach deep.
from i-am-jack :
Your latest entry was especially powerful and uncanny meaningful to me today.
from i-am-jack :
I got a bit of a snicker when I went to the link to Martyn Jacques. ID pictures always are horrible and heat never helps. At least you get a chance to take a new one soon.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry. I didn't mean it like that at all. I should probably just shut up now. I am the weak one. When I was working on that hoarder house in WI, the condemned one, I did not even know the people who lived there. Only the story. But going through their personal effects I began to feel like I knew them and sometimes it just got to me. It got to all of us working there at times. I had fucked up dreams about that house and places like it for years. And there was no real connection to these people. I have dreams of my dad dying and there is not much of a connection there either, but it is going to fuck me up when he goes. I guess I was projecting/relating where I had no business doing so. Sorry for making you feel worse.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds depressing and intimidating. The kind of thing you will have nightmares about. I hope you survive it.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry again about your parents and that your visit down there will not be what you had been planning. I hope it isn't too overwhelming physically with the hoarder mess and emotionally. I hope you are able to find some peaceful moments in getting away.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah except the bacon line. I was listening to the words and thought "Ummmm, well not that part."
from i-am-jack :
I just listened to the Ween song and in the context of you and your husband it is funny sad.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, congratulations on 40 days of sobriety especially with everything you have been through lately and still are going through.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the sobriety. You can do it! That sounds cheesy but I am not any good at profound.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that is some pretty horrible persistence! I hope he finally gets it and fucks off. No my dad has never traveled that far and can't be bothered to. It helps that he and his car are old and falling apart, but mostly he can't be bothered.
from i-am-jack :
I have been working on family issues for years and while I have made a lot of progress, sometimes that progress opens more cans of worms. Like that dream I just had. Grown me yelling at young them. I think it is symbolic of looking back at things from a more grown perspective rather than only remembering it as a kid. That must have been both horrible and liberating for your husband. I have fantasies like that but probably never will do it. It looks like I ended up ghosting him. It is stressing me out but I really can not deal with his shit anymore.
from i-am-jack :
Wow I needed to read that today.
from i-am-jack :
It is. It's all too easy to generalize, brood on the rejection and totally withdraw. I am fighting hard not to do that.
from i-am-jack :
I have been reading your entries here, I want to write to you in email about them. I feel horrible that your life has been completely blown up. I think you should take the cat. You need her and she needs you.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for being one of those people. I am not whining that no one loves me, it's just hard when you are kind of hardwired to want that from your family and you are never going to get it. I know you can relate to that one.
from howlingwind :
I seem to feel like an ass when I leave notes in people's diaries but I'm sorry for whatever you're going through.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say.
from i-am-jack :
I actually had a really smooth and very productive day yesterday. Though I honestly feel the description for that moon describes this entire year so far.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I am sorry that your family turned out to be assholes after all.
from i-am-jack :
That is powerful, exciting and sad.
from i-am-jack :
I have thrown a few shot glasses at the walls when I was younger. I know how that goes. One time I threw one at the wall behind my bed, just missed the window and had to worry about glass in my bed. That broke me of that habit.
from i-am-jack :
The even stranger thing is for a few weeks I have been pondering 4D. I understood the concept but could not imagine what it would look like. How would you go about experiencing that. Then I got to see, very unexpectedly.
from i-am-jack :
That's exactly how it is. It was terrifying. The thought of maybe actually almost being erased from existence still is. But at the same time it has had a profound effect on me. My mind is probably going to be a little blown for a while. I am going to be batting around "I chose me." for a while.
from i-am-jack :
You described the curse of modern life so well. I have done the same thing. Also everyone being in their own little worlds is part of it too. I'm sorry you are feeling invisible in your own house.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds intense having all these memories and slowly going through your parents' house and things. I can not even imagine what a trip that would be. I would not want to keep everything either but I would have a hard time getting rid of it too. That really sucks about your husband's dad throwing all his things away. It's like parents don't think of their own kids as real people or something. My dad threatened to put all my shit on the curb when he threw me out. Luckily I had somewhere to go and was able to take it with me. I hope you at least are able to find some comfort in finally getting your box back.
from i-am-jack :
LOL wow your cat is crazy. Welcome to cats. Pretty much every cat will howl like that if you shut them out, but especially if it's the bathroom. They have a fixation with our bathroom habits. Yours takes it to a whole nother level. Belly flopping in the tub!!? That sounds like something a known crazy water loving breed like a Savannah or a Bengal would do, not a cat bred to be docile. The good news is by the time she is 7 most of this kind of behavior should be over. My cat was crazy when he was young too, but not that crazy.
from i-am-jack :
It has been a doozy of a retrograde. At least for me, I seem to be feeling/noticing its affects more than usual. The last time I worked was the day before Christmas Eve 2016 and I still have not recovered yet. I still do not feel free. So I feel you there. I am hoping that when my disability starts then maybe? But I don't know. It is amazing and horrible how bad shit job land can truly break a person.
from i-am-jack :
Okay that is just creepy how that job is treating you. You outright told them you don't want the job and they still don't want to let you go? Not good. It's like they are over aggressive time share sales people. You should play with them a bit before cutting them off, like try to negotiate ridiculously high pay, privileges and benefits and say that is the only way you will work there. Be obscenely ridiculous and act very entitled. No one wants to hire or pay a diva.
from i-am-jack :
That is both hilarious and horrible that your cat gets in the shower then runs around the house all wet. I am guessing you have a shower curtain instead of a glass door. Maybe you could find some kind of baby gate to put on the edge of the tub? Some cats hate big faces and think they are real. Maybe you could find or make a big face with huge eyes and mouth and bring it out when you shower. If it's there all the time she will figure it out faster. My cat just liked to hang out and walk around the edge of the tub and dip his feet when he was a baby. He did fall in once and never repeated that one.
from i-am-jack :
The joke about the ducky made me smile. My sister lived here with my old roomate/best friend for a while a few years before I moved in. She has a phobia of all bath tubs, something about the way it feels on her skin. So she was really upset that there is only a tub and no shower. The bathroom is too small and all slanty. I love the clawfoot tub personally. To make her feel better I got her "The World's Smallest Rubber Ducky". You could put the bottom of it in your thumbnail. It didn't cure the phobia but she loves that thing and still has it. It's really special to her. I actually do have a tiny white one and a green one. I used to put them in the water to amuse my cat when he was a kitten.
from i-am-jack :
Oh yeah. You know exactly how it is. This whole audit thing is really fucking draining me and making me crazy. It is very confusing and contradicting. I am just thankful I have people to help me survive and navigate the process.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are taking some time for yourself. It might be more complicated than I was thinking with the money. My therapist was talking to me about how to handle it. I need to deposit the checks then pull them out real fast so I do not lose my medicaid and food stamps. They don't care if it is a disability back payment. You are hood rich now. Then I am going to have to show the paper trail and have an explanation. We are going to say I paid off debts. It all makes my head hurt honestly. Tomorrow I am filling out the paper work for DHS's auditing my bank account. They are such fucking vultures.
from i-am-jack :
You really are getting shit on right now. After reading about your experience with trying to cash your inheritance check, I am worried about cashing my disability back payment checks if/when they come. It will be in three payments but each one will be way bigger than what I even allowed to have in the bank at any given time. Unless you are feeling stir crazy or really want or need the money I say fuck shit job land. They clearly are desperate and don't have their shit together. You deserve to be free, even if all you do is decompress and feel depressed for a while. You are going through A LOT.
from i-am-jack :
You're welcome. I am glad I could make you feel a little better. I feel so helpless honestly. I know there are no magic words but I wish there were. I am also afraid of making you feel worse.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth your words are valuable and you are not expendable to me. I am here for the ride as long as I am welcome. I really am worried about you more than I have ever been in the whole time we have known each other. I know I have trouble showing it sometimes and I get sucked into my own life and lose time, but I really care a lot and value your friendship no matter what is going on.
from i-am-jack :
I am worried about you lately.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are having a hard time missing your dad. Damn you had an intense day. At least you have your money and you are free for a long time. I hope you can find some peace finally. Life just keeps fucking with you one way or another.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is eerie and beautiful. It gave me the chills.
from i-am-jack :
Damn your husband's dad sounds like a real bitch monster. Almost reminds me of my mom in a lot of ways. I'm sorry he triggered your husband and is making both your lives miserable.
from i-am-jack :
Enjoy it.
from i-am-jack :
Reading this made me happy for you. It sounds like you are feeling a bit more like yourself again. I think you should take the turtles home and give them the best life you can. Even if they don't make the second move, it'd be the best case scenario for them.
from howlingwind :
No worries - It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. :-)
from howlingwind :
Well that was quick :-)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations? I think I know the disorienting feeling you are having about suddenly being employed again and your life changing just like that. It really does feel like your whole life just changed. It's a bittersweet thing, sometimes more bitter than sweet. You didn't get to be unemployed.
from i-am-jack :
The only paper folds we were ever taught were three equal sections going horizontally like you do for a letter, or three going vertically for three columns. We did study writing letters and how to fill out an envelope. I thought it was so grown up and fun. My sister, brother and I made ourselves mail boxes out of empty tissue boxes and sent each other "mail" complete with a stamp which had to be a piece of cardboard cut out of another old tissue box. We reused stamps though, lol.
from i-am-jack :
They never make it easy do they? And after all that sweet to shit coercion tactics they are just going to treat you like shit during your last days. Treat them like shit right back.
from i-am-jack :
What I meant by you having a more adult life was you have your own house and you are the provider for your home. You have a lot more at stake than I ever have. Being in that position while being trapped in a shit job at Comcast drove my sister off the deep end. If she lost her job, she lost her apartment. She is on disability and in a much better living arrangement now, but she will never be the same. She is the kind of cracked up that a better life can never glue back together. I don't want to see that happen to you.
from i-am-jack :
You know I kind of saw this coming. You have been reminding me so much of myself lately. The "argument" you had with your husband was a conversation I had so many times with my sister and my best friend old/roomate. And I really have been there with so many things you have been saying. I have also been where you are right now, only not with nearly the adult life you have. I hope everything falls right for you after taking the kind of leap of faith you take when you can not take anymore.
from i-am-jack :
I have done that before, leaving notes on my own wall. You are not making things worse at all. If anything you are going through the same thing twice on a much larger scale, you get it too well.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope I didn't offend you somehow. I know it's probably a mix of my paranoia and a touch of Carly Simon's You're So Vain, you probably think this entry's about you. But I am still worried. Anything *I* wrote was not directed at you, but my best friend/old roomate. I love her like family, and her heart is in the right place, but her own concern for me makes her pry and then she responds badly to me feeling badly.
from i-am-jack :
I remember that. It was like that early on when we first started talking. I had been reading you for a short time and found that really cool and fascinating. My bathroom is a very worn out and water damaged robin egg's blue color with avocado and lime green accents. Other than replacing rugs as they fall apart, not much has changed.
from i-am-jack :
I love it. I am thinking of what you said a few entries back about unicorns and dark flora. That whole dark forest feeling. It's so cheerful and nihilistic at the same time.
from dangerspouse :
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your parents. I hope the memory quilt brings you succor. What a lovely token of remembrance. All the best to you.
from i-am-jack :
“Hey, you wanna go to Dennys with me and get some meat?” That gave me a good laugh. That is horrible.
from i-am-jack :
That is crazy. The earliest it's dark here is 5pm. I can not even imagine what it would be like being sunset at 4:37 and only getting earlier from there. That would take some getting used to as well as the harsher winters. If I end up staying in this state, which I probably will for the mental health services, then I do either want to go up more north or out toward the WI side where things are still pretty rural. Probably a little of both. I checked my multivitamin supplement and there is vitamin D but not D3. I definitely need to start getting up earlier in the day. I also need to start working out again. My self care has been almost non existent. I definitely need to work on that.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. It's strange whatever is going on in my head and ear seems to come and go. My sinuses stopped draining and my ear feels okay again. Sleep is nature's balm. Sleep is sacred. But I do over indulge. Time is flying by because I all I am doing is sleeping. I get up between noon and two and it is dark at 5:30.
from i-am-jack :
Those were some really good quotes. Thank you for sharing them.
from i-am-jack :
Also I agree with you on the sickness being better than the so called "cure" and I do miss you when you were happier.
from i-am-jack :
"But I'm OK. That means I am not OK." I am all too familiar with that feeling. It is one of the tell tale signs for me that I am manic. Inappropriate energy or "happiness". That sucks that they are not taking you seriously. I am all too familiar with that too. It took me being taken away by the cops before anyone believed me.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds like absolute and total hell. Violent and terrifying. I really hope you can get the help you need. Both of you.
from i-am-jack :
I would love to see the pictures of your art.
from i-am-jack :
I enjoyed reading about the coats. Almost reminds me of your art posts in the good old days on Livejournal. I want to see pictures of them now.
from i-am-jack :
Your writing has been intense lately. I really felt the scene in the car. I remember those kinds of strange stolen moments.
from i-am-jack :
That is terrible and terrifying. I had a very brief haunted woods experience once that was nothing close to that and it was bad enough. I would not eat anything from that place either, not only because of the rich death soil it grew from, but more not wanting to ingest the energy in it. Your body will eliminate the cannibal traces in the food, the energy not so much.
from i-am-jack :
It was good poetry and it came from somewhere inside you. I love the pictures you sent me of your yard and house. I think something magical does happen when you let even a little wildness and nature into your yard. My landlord has a really cool garden. He plants sunflowers for the squirrels and birds, flowers that attract bees and butterflies. At one time he wanted to keep bees but that would need more space than he has and neighbors would not like all the bee traffic. He is definitely nature friendly. Well I think there is magic in our very tiny piece of green.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks that would be really great to be med free some day too. Right now, I am doing the best I can to have the least amount of that crap in my system. The way they like to do it is to keep upping everything and adding to it, until there is nothing left of you but a bloated out zombie with new health problems from all the side effects and long term damage. I am pretty pissed about the damage Paxil has done to me. I have been two years clean and will probably have brain zaps for the rest of my life.
from i-am-jack :
Also congratulations on becoming medication free. I believe you that you feel completely different in a good way. The low dose I am on makes me feel 10 years older and I sleep for 10 or more hours. I can feel the weight in my system, but right now, I kind of need it. When I first started taking meds, it felt like my blood was dirty to me. People thought I was imagining things. It's amazing how out of touch people are with their bodies.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, I care. I know sometimes I have the emotional expression skills of a toad, but I care. It sounds like you are becoming quite the quintessential magic woman. I have a friend like that who is old enough to be my grandma. She is fascinating and is a proud witch. Her house and yard are very cool and the neighborhood kids love her front yard garden, I have no idea how she gets away with that. Her lawn is wild flower mix. If I ever have my own house, it will be magically eccentric too.
from i-am-jack :
Of course! Ever since the days of being friends with kangaroos printed on the sides of shoes.
from i-am-jack :
I got a smile out of your last entry. Kangaroo shoes. When I was a kid, I went through this weird phase where I was "friends" with animal logos. My favorites were Tony the Tiger, the Jordasche horse and the Kangaroo shoes roo. I wanted Kangaroo shoes but my mom said they were too expensive. This was around Kindergarten. I doubt they even make them that small. Anyway, just last year I found out about the pocket and why they call the shoes that. A co-worker had some and she was saying the same thing, what do you keep in there? A bag of weed? Also I know what you mean about getting stared at. We must exude some weird vibe even when we are just minding our own business, carrying on like everyone else.
from i-am-jack :
My best friend/old roomate tried the Depo shot too and said it made her completely depressed and suicidal. At the worst point she crawled under her futon and just laid there for a few hours. Another friend of mine was on it for years and came off because she wanted kids. Despite following all the doctors orders and being given the all clear, her son was born with a hand that only has a thumb and a pinky. His other hand is okay, so at least he has one normal hand, but it's terrible that the drug that was supposedly out of her system did that to him.
from i-am-jack :
I completely get the government sponsored drug dealer thing. Psychiatrists pretty much are legalized drug lords. The good ones behave like doctors, the evil ones are just egotistical drug dealers with too much power. I have had two nice ones and two evil ones and the evil ones have left probably a permanent bad taste in my mouth. I am getting a new one soon, and despite my therapist reassuring me he is super mellow, I am still freaking out about having to see him soon. That is really depressing about the trees and them not even finishing the job by removing the stumps. Go out there and do some good damage, paint the town. It might be fun to splash all the stumps in red paint, like blood. Make a fucking mess.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think anyone has gotten notifications for notes in years now. I don't either. I just check them when I sign in to read everyone.
from whystinger :
I love a good bun, on a woman. I have known some cool guys who wore man buns, but not many. There is a reason they call man buns "douche knots..."
from i-am-jack :
I know all about drawing the curtains and hiding in the house like a blanket fort. I think it's great that you didn't fall for the evil joke and resisted the scotch. Maybe it wasn't so much a joke but a test, and you passed. You were challenged and tempted but stood up to it. That is strength.
from i-am-jack :
It really does seem like the Universe has an evil sense of humor sometimes.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you both for taking a moment to relate and for turning your notes back on for now. So few people get it, because like you said it is socially acceptable. Polite even. I did not have a problem with it years ago. I don't have a problem with it if it is coming from one of the few people left that are close to me and have a good idea of what to expect. But even with them, I tend to focus on them more and still get a bit reluctant and sheepish about talking about me, especially if I am doing particularly bad while they are doing really good.
from bridrinkspee :
Fellow Cancerian I completely identify with your last post
from i-am-jack :
No you are not paranoid, you are just being street smart. You are aware of where you live and what the people are like. I lived in a nice suburb near a church growing up. And still someone stole my mom's new windmill from the garden. My dad made a concrete slab for the new one and bolted it down. People are just thieving pieces of shit.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me sad that you miss your guinea pigs all over again. But at least you know better than to bring one home anyway. You actually care about the safety and well being of the animal. Cats are definitely a different kind of energy. Mine hardly leave my plant alone. I love my cats so much though. Even if everything I own has cat hair or claw marks in it. I can not imagine life without a cat now.
from i-am-jack :
My schedule is the weirdest I have probably ever had. Tuesday is my 3 hour day. Yes just 3. Friday is my 10 hour day. The other days are 12-6:30. I get about 25-27 hours a week usually. I hate getting up early but I prefer early mornings, I get out and still feel I have a day left. I don't really care for mid day shifts like this.
from i-am-jack :
Damn! That IS one lazy manager. I just hope you never have an issue with someone or something, they'd probably apply the same lackadaisical attitude. I got my review at work last week. While I still have a job, it was actually worse than I expected. No raise. I thought the nice higher ranking boss was going to do it, but the bitchy diva manager I butt horns with did and she took the chance to professionally put me in my place. So fuck them. I have started job searching again. No more joking with anyone in a suit, they can't handle anything less than a robot pissant that takes orders. And sadly I can not really joke that much with my friends either since she has the impression I stand around too much, when both my co-workers are always on their phones and I don't even have a smart phone.
from dangerspouse :
Thank you for the well considered answer :)
from dangerspouse :
I'm curious why you became a vegan. Health? Ethical qualms about meat? Cost? Cool list o' randomness...
from i-am-jack :
Damn you get away with a lot at work. I love it. Back when I was at the hotel, I got away with little. Less and less as time went on. They really babysat people clocking in and out for lunch. I completely understand that none of that makes up for living your own life for you, on your time. Not everyone does. You are one of the few people who gets it. With my job, I know I am lucky to have it, I have had far worse jobs. But that does not make everything fucking wonderful. I ask myself a lot isn't there something better I can be doing with my life?
from i-am-jack :
As for doing art for the sake of art, not money. I am there. People constantly tell me I should try to write for money. I accept the compliment and their sincerity, but I am not really interested in trying. Yeah I may self publish a memoir some day, kind of a more organized version of what I do here, but I do not see it going somewhere huge. It would be for the hell of it not for rock star dreams reasons.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, I am in a similar situation. I know the feeling of needing, wishing, someone in authority would help. I have been avoiding the news and the woes of the world like the plague though. It is hard enough to get out of bed. I don't need to be reminded we live in a dark, sick world. When a friend of mine almost succeeded in killing herself, one of the things they told her when they released her was to avoid the news. But if it helps. Have you ever heard of or read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning? I have it, have not read it.
from dangerspouse :
Oh man, Trader Joe's has the BEST dumpsters. If you could snag one I'd be very jealous.
from i-am-jack :
I *just* now read your last two notes. Apparently Diaryland does not notify me anymore when I get them. Even though my email is still the same.
from dangerspouse :
You cradle robber! Congratulations :)
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry. I stumbled on some old wounds myself the other day on accident.
from i-am-jack :
Wow your workplace sounds as fucked as mine. I could write you a book about shit that happened that was way worse than the email I sent you. And yeah, at my job the managers are all in bed with each other and HR. The HR lady is the worst one of all. It's feudalism.
from i-am-jack :
I just got the internet back today! So I will be much more in touch now. For the last few weeks, the horrible weather has been keeping me from going out much. One day my car battery needed to be jumped twice in one day. And there is nothing wrong with it. I had it tested. It just got that cold.
from i-am-jack :
I sent out a package for you yesterday. It should reach you in a few days, I hope you like it. Let me know when you get it.
from i-am-jack :
Ugggh. Fuck Farcebook. I relate to almost everything you said except being tied to my family by that damn site. They are being passive aggressive, as well as guilt trippy manipulators. My mom was the guilt tripper and my dad was the one who thought and still sometimes thinks the parent/child dynamic never ends because he is always the parent, even if you are not a child anymore.
from annanotbob2 :
hugs
from lovestruck-0 :
I came across your diary from someone else I was following.. Reading a few of your entries, I feel like we are cut from the same cloth, it is almost scary.. but at the same time, kind of uplifting, to realize you aren't alone in this world just trying to make it day by day dealing with the same bullshit, the creative lows, and the pressure and grief that comes from it. Hang in there, I'm pulling for ya.
from vinternatt :
Hello there! I coud very much identify with your "Holier than thou" post. I have met many young people like the one you described.
from annanotbob2 :
I'm with you on this. I never ever watch TV news and I block people on my FB who drive me mad with political rantings. I wish you peace and a community of your own.
from moodswing :
"Should I bring my own chains?" "We always do."
from i-am-jack :
It's great to see you have been writing again. It was a nice thing to come back to.
from annanotbob2 :
Happy birthday - I just clicked on your blog as I liked your name. I'm adding you to my buddy list cos I liked how you gave away your stuff that didn't sell. Or thought of doing it. All the best, Anna x
from moodswing :
i love you / happy birthday
from minstrelite :
I really like your journal.
from i-am-jack :
I hope I did not make you feel like that.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry that you feel alone, like everyone has disappeared. I guess I have just had my head in my ass again lately. I have been slipping in and out of a dark place, almost constantly. Back and forth within the same day even.
from i-am-jack :
This was a nice surprise. Welcome back.

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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