messages to cherrygash:
(click here to add new message):

from julymalaise :
U-cherry P-almonds Enjoy!
from julymalaise :
Do you mind if I email it to you or if you're not comfortable. I can send a note and you can delete it once you get it? Either way works!
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. I relate so much. My siblings and I grew up with everything we needed physically. But it ended there. My dad was a good provider but he was also extremely violent and abusive. My mom was bipolar and a total pill head druggy. She has been absent most of my life. She'd just get high and hide in bed. They both abused us at pretty much every level. We all turned out fucked up. We were ignored, emotionally abused and neglected. My therapist told me too that it was them, not us. It is hard to live with and as the consequences of their actions. You put it really well about the incline and slipping more than we get ahead.
from julymalaise :
Nice to meet you too! If you want, you can have a password to my diary! :)
from i-am-jack :
I just read your note on here. It's okay. And I know all too well what it's like to hate yourself, not trust yourself and berate yourself. It really does take over. I don't think it ever really stops for me but varies in intensity. You're right though, we can't hate ourselves and survive.
from cherrygash :
Ya, in my opinion movies arent as good as they used to be. I havent really kept up. Sorry i havent written you back on email. Have a lot of anxiety right now and all i want to do is sleep.
from i-am-jack :
I am not much of a movie person, but Fight Club is my soul movie.
from i-am-jack :
I hope your cat is okay and just having allergies or a cold. Also I never heard of a calico lobster either. I looked it up. They shouldn't eat it. It should be released or taken to an aquarium museum/zoo I can't think of what that kind of place is called.
from i-am-jack :
The picture is Fight Club fan art that I found on the Internet. Don't worry it's not your ex. ;^) That picture is kind of a classic and has been re-made a million times. https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1&biw=1366&bih=632&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=iN-4W8XmH-zHjwS5uJiwBQ&q=fight+club+narrator&oq=fight+club+narrator&gs_l=img.3..0l3j0i8i30j0i24l6.371740.374457..374755...0.0..0.106.812.8j1......0....1..gws-wiz-img.......0i67j0i5i30.LyHrkLoZvUM#imgrc=FxhLhSevyJ2yrM:
from julymalaise :
Hi, I've been reading you for quite some time and I wanted to know if I could add you?
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I thought it was impressive. I think I have above average hearing, but I wouldn't say it was super. My sister has freakish dog like hearing. We both took this online frequency hearing test, and she heard quite a few more cycles than me. That test is both painful and nauseating and we both had to take a few breaks, but took it until the sound dropped out for us. It sounds like you have super hearing. I'm glad you were able to find your cats and save them. If you chime in to the doctors, you'll blow your cover, but I would be tempted too.
from i-am-jack :
It's okay. I know how med peaking time feels. It sneaks up on you and suddenly you can't think straight. Ha ha, half warlock. I'm not sure about that, but yes I have been known to have some uncanny abilities. I have used the image locating technique many times, successfully. The hardest part is keeping your head clear. If you are trying too hard to find it, or are full of anxiety, desperation or any other thoughts and feelings it won't work. Also if the object is actually gone, you are not going to be able to find it. I have had a lot of success with this technique though. One time I tracked the source of an obnoxious sound and found it about 5 blocks away. I had no idea who was doing it or what to imagine, so I locked onto the sound itself and my desire to get into it with the fucker making it. Even being that unhinged, I followed my feet for 5 blocks and found it was only construction workers not the local idiots again. I just walked back home, impressed with myself that I indeed hunted them down like a dog.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. I have used humor and sarcasm to deal with life for a long time. They are really harassing me about this whole "Ticket to Work" shit. Not only did I get the letter, but then the aggressive phone call. And it was very aggressive. You are not rambling at all, it's comforting that someone can relate. It's all so true. We are our own worst critics and it is completely learned behavior programmed into us by assholes. That doesn't make it any easier to stop. It might never go away. It might be a matter of catching it and seeing it for what it is. Easier said than done. I am horrible to myself. I am in a highly abusive relationship with myself. I would never treat anyone else this bad.
from i-am-jack :
Damn that really sucks about your wallet. Really sucks. I would be freaking out too. This might sound crazy but try clearing your mind of all thoughts and focusing only on a mental picture of it and then let your body go into a meditative auto pilot state. Don't over think or second guess. If you start feeling pulled head that way but still don't over think. It can take several to get you where you are going. If it's around you might find it. My uncle taught me this and I have used it to find things and even people in a store or crowd I got separated from.
from i-am-jack :
I got your note and sent you a test message. Look for a message saying "It's Jack".
from i-am-jack :
I relate so much about the holidays, New Years, another year, birthdays all that crap. I'm sorry you are still sick on vacation, that must really suck. Not only not having much of a vacation, but also not even being able to be in your own bed. I got sick on vacation twice. Luckily both times it passed in a day or two and I was able to enjoy the rest of it. I hope you feel better soon.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know. Email me when you can. If you can. I am hanging in there. Lately it has been one thing after another with about a week's worth of shutdown/recovery time then the next battle. I'm sorry your family is sick on vacation, it sounds like you are making the best of it though.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you a test email let me know if you get it.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting you know I got your note. I was going to email you, when I realized I am not sure what your address is. There is one in my contacts that might be you. I deleted the note you left me when you wanted a password. I'll explain this better in email.
from whystinger :
Are you being treated for your depression?
from whystinger :
Keep fighting to get healthy. Work on some of the little things. did you know that depression can trigger illnesses like some of what you are going through? Get yourself on a good exercise program, even if it is only taking a brisk walk every night for a mile. Do this for six weeks and see how you feel (yes, I NEED to do this too). My ex had back problems and a few other issues and she had surgery to relieve the back pain - Dr. told her if she wanted to remain pain free, to simply walk one mile 3 times a week. When she would walk the pain would go away (after walking for a few days). When she didn't walk, the pain returned along with other pains, aches and mysterious illnesses. Because of watching her go through this, I started to notice when depression creeps into my life, I begin to get aches, pains and mysterious little illnesses. When I notice, I begin to amp up my self care regimen and it works. LOL, about running away, perhaps you should run away and start a new life? Sometimes a change of scenery helps a lot, plus cutting out those who trigger us...
from whystinger :
Just saw your two messages. This is from the older one - I love my parents, but they too, think they are still raising me. You are setting boundaries, good for you. I have difficulty with that and that spilled over to my marriage. I have learned to set boundaries and am still working on that, but I can't seem to do that with my folks. I don't feel as bad about that as my Sister can't set those boundaries either. My folks are in their 80s and I am lucky that they are in as good a shape as they are. I have to say, I think you are on the right track! Keep working and moving ahead. I would agree, you are a good person and are just dealing with some setbacks. I sort of understand because my health issues are setbacks for me... Sorry to leave multiple notes today.
from whystinger :
You started seeing spots and your hearing went in and out. I know that well too and yes, it is normal and doesn't mean you are a wuss. I had that happen at the urologist's office what, two years ago? That is when they had just shoved a hose up my urethra and then taught me to self catheter. The nurse who was teaching me was not that experienced and the story is longer and funny now. The blood, pain and fear got me and I told them I needed to lay down... they didn't let me and after I passed out, they sent me via ambulance to the hospital. The worse thing about this is the urologist's office is at the hospital, so the ambulance took me from one door to another door. That was bullshit and I found a much better urologist because of it. As your ENT knew what to do and did it, tells me they are a lot better than my former urologist. If the Prozac isn't working for you, ask the psychiatrist and perhaps try a different medicine or is that the best one for you? A different med may help your sleep too. I have been having sleep issues and I am really unhappy about it. but I am working on it.
from i-am-jack :
I want to spend my life with people who love and respect me too and I definitely don't get it from some members of my dysfunctional family either. It's a really hard thing to accept and even harder to live with. I hope you can build yourself a new chosen family of people who do.
from whystinger :
BTW, got your note. Funny that anesthesia can knock the shit out of us for a longer time than it puts us "under." When I went in for my surgery, my Dad pulled me aside and told me "this will affect you longer than you realize now." and went on to tell me how long it took my Mom to recover from her surgery. I figured it was all due to the severity of her surgery, but I now realize some of it was because of how long she was under the anesthesia.
from whystinger :
I don't know your Mom and I'm not a professional therapist but from the few things I have read, she could have some problems and that is why its "never her fault." I don't know her age, but it also sound like she's part of the generation that didn't talk about "those things" (like my parents) and that makes life more difficult. You are't going to change her, so see if you can respond differently and see if things change. "You can't change her, but you can change your response to her." Easier said than done but it can be done.
from whystinger :
Good to hear that the surgery went well. Make sure you give yourself time to heal and time for the anesthesia to leave your body. I thought I felt fine after my surgeries, but it really exhausts a person. I didn't believe it until after my surgeries and I still don't feel like doing much... so take the time to heal.
from i-am-jack :
Stay strong.
from whystinger :
Glad you are feeling a bit better and are back here.
from lollirottt :
I've sent you some emails. Reply soon please.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for letting us know you are still here, doing a little better. I wish I had something helpful or inspiring to say. I really do relate to not knowing how your family will react to your feelings. I stopped trying with mine a long time ago.
from i-am-jack :
Please let us know you are okay as soon as you can.
from whystinger :
I care. If you need to reach out, hit me at whystinger"at"yahoo.com. Normally I don't monitor that inbox much anymore, but I will check it the next few days. I hope you are well and got through these feelings.
from i-am-jack :
I hope I am not too late. I don't know what to say but please don't do it. I understand why you want to but I really hope you find some reason to live even if that is just not wanting to die, but not knowing why. That one has kept me going for years. If part of you wants to die and part doesn't, trust the part that doesn't.
from i-am-jack :
I relate to so much of what you are going through/dealing with with your parents.
from whystinger :
You are definitely worth it. I am glad that you have a T and do well with her. I am going on ten years with my T, she helped me navigate a bad marriage and eventually got me through a divorce. If memory serves me correctly, I have read your diary one and off since long ago - maybe 2003, 2004 or such.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry you had such as terrifying, fucked up childhood. I can't even imagine what it would be like as a child, being taken away, almost lost and fear of it happening again. I remember being really young and knowing my family was not normal but not having a word for it. I didn't really know what was happening or even a concept of help either. My dad threatened us that what happened behind closed doors stayed there. My own Grandma had no idea what was happening and she was right up the street. It doesn't make sense that the ones who are supposed to unconditionally love and protect you, treat you like that instead. My therapist explained that our minds can try to make sense of it by believing that we are bad and deserve it. Which only reinforces what they say and do. It is hard to get rid of a life time of programming even if you can logically examine it from an adult mind.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I relate to so much of that. I was always on eggshells around my dad. I learned to move quietly and breathe small. Have as minimal a presence as possible. I never knew what would set him off. Every time he called my name it was never for a good reason. My mom wasn't as violent but she was bitchy, volatile, druggy and guilt trippy. They both really fucked me and my siblings up. Black and white thinking is in my psych notes my therapist just told me. I tend to love and hate intensely. I am not wired for lower grey zone voltages. They kind of register as bland food. There are times when I feel kind of okay or start to feel like the real me, not their stupid caricature version. They seem fragile and fleeting but they happen sometimes. I haven't quite confirmed it was not my fault but at least I am starting to entertain the concept. That's something. Thanks, you be good to yourself too. And yeah other people's actions not defining our worth is a hard one.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for relating and leaving me a note. I am surprised that a few friends on here said it hit a bit close to home. Just that makes me feel less alone and less like it was my fault and I deserved it. I think I am just starting to reach that point. But at the same time the damage has been done. I'll probably always feel bad about myself. They were always telling me I was stupid even when I was happy. Everything I did was wrong. I don't know how far back you have read, but some of my earliest memories are of self harm/playing with my blood. When I was really little I would give myself nose bleeds for fun. I also peeled my fingers like string cheese. I did a lot of weird things. When I got older I picked pits in my arms and head. For a while it seemed like I was always bleeding but they either didn't notice or were temporarily alarmed then went back to not caring. I didn't discover cutting until around 11th grade when I used an exacto blade and then later the snap off box cutters I like so much. I used them for print shop and really liked the way it felt cutting pretty much everything. I couldn't resist trying it on myself.
from lollirottt :
I've been ok actually. It's weird. But nice. How are you? Sorry it's taken me awhile to reply. I want to let you know I may not use this site much longer. But I would like for us to keep talking. If you want to.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad your Gram is doing better. Your Gramps sounds like a real colorful, fun person.
from i-am-jack :
No need to apologize. You're fine. I have not heard anything about my case yet. Every other detail about it was unusually expedited but not this. I probably won't know for another month. I have just been in a funk and having a lot of sinus/migraine issues this week. And I can not recommend Augusten Burroughs more. He's lived a fucked up, colorful life and has a real talent for story telling. He'll make you laugh and cry in the same book.
from i-am-jack :
Okay now I am not sure which one she read, apparently he wrote a whole series of Non Violent Communication books. As for imagination, yeah it kept me and my sister alive.
from i-am-jack :
All you can do is try to live around them. If it's any help, my sister read the book "Non Violent Communication: A Language For Life" to learn how to deal with my dad and brother better, and it said it was a huge help. It can be hard when they *want* to fight, go there, or just be right at your expense. I had no idea what boundaries were or that I even had or was allowed to have any until I was in therapy years after I moved out. It was a new weird concept. My family still does not respect or recognize them. It's hard to recover when your toxic family likes how things are and does not want them to change.
from i-am-jack :
Oh and this was where I was going with the willow leaf story that I am still getting to.
from i-am-jack :
That was pretty much life growing up for me and my siblings. My parents could emote all they wanted but we better not dare unless we are happy. "Bottled" became more like a pressure cooker full of toxic waste over time for all of us. We all ended up crazy. My brother is totally gone and my dad has no idea where he gets it. Every time I have to be around my family I revert too. I can barely spend a few hours a couple times a year. I am so sorry you are trapped with yours again. My sister had to move back home for a year or two and it was like that for her too.
from i-am-jack :
I think a lot of it for me is not dealing with things or being able to deal with them. You can only shove it down so far for so long before it explodes. I spent the first half of my life doing just that and I was a champ at it. I was sure I could do it until the day I died. Despite everything I read saying the contrary and warning how dangerous that is. Now I can barely keep it contained. I know for sure that Ativan has saved my sanity and kept me out of the hospital. It probably saved my life too.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for leaving me a note back. I hope things go smoother for you soon, I can imagine you just want to get it over with. I am safe, not doing too well though. The program is in total chaos, I just lost my new psychiatrist just as I was starting to trust him. I'm not a damn puppy. You can't just put me in a room with anyone and I'll be just great. Yet that's what they are doing.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you feel better soon and get through the colonoscopy okay. That feeling of being sick or weak for too long does suck. It gets very depressing and frustrating. Especially when you want and need to get things done and can't.
from lollirottt :
Tried deleting that note but it's still there somehow.
from i-am-jack :
It only took being taken away by the cops but I am in what's called a "DD ACT" program. It is for the absolute worst cases. The object of the program is to keep you out of the hospital, out of trouble and living as independently as you are capable. It is pretty intense with therapy visits three times a week. You also have a visiting nurse, case manager for DHS type stuff and a psychiatrist. In theory it's great and I would be fucked without it, but my "team" is pretty dysfunctional. My therapist does the brunt of the work. Yeah years ago before all this I was approved for $10. And days before the cops took me away to the hospital, I went off in a manic rage so bad I almost got black listed from DHS. I had a real bitch who was playing games and like you said it's hard to be calm and emotionally mature when this is your life they are messing with.
from lollirottt :
I'm ok with that.
from i-am-jack :
I think everyone on this site has left a note on their own page to someone else. I know I have. It's funny. My god what a fucking mess. I am so glad that I have the program I'm in and have people for all that. Even with people it's a fucking mine field, but without them I would have been blown up a long time ago. The first time I tried to file, I gave up and did not even finish. They just closed the case. They didn't hold it against me since it never even got anywhere. I could not even get through the paper work. Eventually I want to move and get the fuck out of the hood. I hope it isn't a total nightmare.
from cherrygash :
I know all too well about the system. Theres ss, medicaid and foodstamps..i thought id had them stacked in order of their ridiculousness. I was wrong. When i first got disability i moved into low income housing, where rent is calculated by income, all utilities included except ac for 4 months. Just moved last year and things got fucked up to say the least. I dont know how many calls i made to ss, but i talked to a different person every time and they all gave me different directions. Omfg. Trying to get the new rent on record took 4 months alone. Then there was the utilities. I never knew what a utility allowance was, but i needed to fax in something else to actually get my assistance for paying it. I attempted this twice as people told me different wording. What a fuckcluster. These idiots dont care and i think are programmed to drive you batshit crazy to the point you give up. I feel ur pain...Thanks 4 the note. Hang in as well.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry it's been a while. I am still all over the place. This is the worst mixed episode I have had in years. I am afraid I am just going to crack up or break down and lose it. I know what you are talking about with having to earn so much. I am not getting a lot either but I did meet the minimum for one of them. I know there is an SSI and an SSDI. I was not eligible for the one that pays more because I did not work/pay enough into it. The system IS crazy. It will be a massive relief when it finally happens. I am all too familiar with the feeling of wanting to take a bunch of pills and alcohol as well as feeling so desperate you scare yourself. I hope you are hanging in there.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad she's doing a little better. I can not even imagine how emotionally drained you are on top of emotionally drained. Between the scare with your Gram and dealing with your brother. I don't blame you for hiding in your room. I still have not heard anything and might not until June. I am kind of all over the place today mood wise. I am a bit behind with writing/posting.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry your Gram is so sick.
from i-am-jack :
Mine was in a small room too but live. The lawyers insisted we do it that way because they needed to see how wrecked I am.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for relating and putting it so perfectly. Yes that is exactly how it was. Only for me the process happened fast and everyone was telling me it was a good sign. The longer they drag it out the more likely they want to deny you in court. If it goes right to court you have a good chance of winning because they do not want to pay you years of back money when you win. I think it took about a year for me, maybe a little more or less.
from i-am-jack :
Wow thank you for reading back so far. Yeah I just had the trial last Tuesday. It took everything out of me and I have been just recovering from it all. My lawyer and therapist both said it went really well. I won't know until 90 days what the outcome is but they are almost positive I am getting it since the vocational specialist said I was unemployable. That's almost unheard of.
from i-am-jack :
You are not an ass for being the bigger person. For being forgiving and loving. I know it feels that way, like the joke is on you, but the one who is the real ass is him. He sounds like a sociopath and you can never win with them. The more human you are the more evil they are. The real evil is that our brains are wired to desperately keep trying for their love, they know it and exploit it.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you a new email with it.
from i-am-jack :
Hmmm I just tried it out. Seemed to work. Maybe Diaryland was being weird? I can send it you again.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you the password and deleted your note. I'm sorry you are so sick and they can not figure it out. I can understand your frustration in not wanting to go to anymore appointments, I probably wouldn't want to either. I have a friend who gets a lot of mysterious symptoms and they have not been able to figure it out for years. Maybe you should begin exploring natural/holistic solutions? Lowering your stress levels if possible can go a long way. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands, do your own research and go with what intrigues you or feels right. Keep seeing the doctors too of course.
from i-am-jack :
"When youre treated like shit, you start to see yourself as shit." Story of my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to not see myself like shit. I can email it to you and delete your note.
from lollirottt :
And what you said at the end of your entry. I'm sorry you've been treated like shit. I don't think you deserve that. I think you deserve good people in your life who will be better to you. And I know what it's like to feel awful about yourself because of people being bad to you. It shouldn't be this way. :(
from lollirottt :
Yeah I remember you. I actually read your entry before seeing you had left a note. Thank you for asking how I'm doing. I've not been feeling good at all. So you asking actually meant a lot to me. Thanks. :) you don't have my new password do you? I can't remember when I changed it. My email is ode2solitude2010@hotmail.com so if you want it, just send me an email and I'll tell you.
from i-am-jack :
The sidebar on this site isn't set up in a way that makes a lot of sense sometimes. You can find "edit profile" under "other stuff". It's the 7th option down. As for my password do you have somewhere else I can send it besides posting it here?
from i-am-jack :
I feel you so much. Especially with learned self hate and being sucked back into it around family, with seemingly no hope of change or escape.
from i-am-jack :
The manic or upswing cycles of bipolar can manifest as anger, hostility, high levels of agitated unstable type behaviors. It's like the volume is turned all the way up on your life. That is more often than not how my highs play out.
from integrating :
If you ever stop by to see if you have a new note...you are not forgotten.
from integrating :
Hey..I haven't been around for a while. Read your entry. They put me on Remeron once and I laid down on the couch and couldn't get my body to respond to my brain's commands to get up. Went to another dr and he freaked. "Remeron!! That's what they give to old folks in nursing homes!!" Yeah, stop using it. Much love
from whystinger :
Find a new psychiatrist. You may have to try a few, but a good one is worth it. Look up the side effects. I recently was working with one urologist (yes, pee problems) who told me to not take one medicine "because it has so many side effects that are irreversible." I look up the medicine and don't see the side effects he is talking about, PLUS it says "it is reported that they side effects went away after continued use." I wasn't getting better and didn't like the way this guy was being shitty to me when I would ask a question, so I find a new urologist. First thing he says is"you need to be on this medicine. He outlined a new treatment plan and I progressed more in two weeks than I did in four months with the other urologist. Urology is more cut and dry than psychiatry. My Ex-wife is doing wonderful now that she has a new psychiatrist.
from i-am-jack :
Pretty much every medication they try me on gives me that strung out useless feeling for the first two weeks to one month. That is why I fight tooth and nail against it. For me it is nothing but brain deadness and side effects. I hope you can find a new psychiatrist and nurs that actually know something. They don't want to give you Ambien because it is addictive, has recreational value, and actually feels good. Generally they don't want to prescribe the good candy, even if you really need it. Just the stuff that feels like a harsh suicidal concussion. Seroquel does help with sleep for a lot of people, but it is not hypnotic falling feeling like sleeping pills. More like being hit over the head chemically really hard then you're out.
from whystinger :
Sometimes the best we can do is one foot in front of the other and that is okay. I like going to the grocery store, but get bored by it and then tend to get lazy and not cook. I know fast food gets tiring. Spaghettios are sort of fast food in a can, but I have lived on them (and worse) at times. Some time it is nice just to open a can and warm something up, but it sometimes seems like spaghettis are just fast food in a can. Have you looked for or found a local NAMI affiliate? If you have a decent one in your area, their support groups can make it where you aren't alone when dealing with mental illness. Yes, you CAN recover from years of mental illness, but it ain't easy and "you gotta wanta" and also have support. Getting to a support group and telling one's story can be very freeing, especially if others have went through similar.
from i-am-jack :
No problem. I feel pretty alone myself right now with a lot of things
from i-am-jack :
It really is depressing that life is not like the movies. No one ever calls at that perfectly divinely timed moment to stop you. And you just feel even more alone.
from i-am-jack :
I am right there with you.
from integrating :
Writing is good therapy. ;)
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for leaving me a note, letting me know it resonated. It's okay that you laughed. Hell, I laugh too. More and more, I am darkly amused with myself. I relate to a lot of things you write too. Don't know how I never got around to adding you back. I had to look up the Courage to Heal workbook. I would not want to read someone else's entries in something like that. While maybe you might relate, it might not be worth the curiosity if you end up triggered. Then you will really not want to open that book again. And more people relate than you think. It is horrible how pervasive that one thing is and plays out and manifests at levels in your life you may not even be immediately aware of. It fucks you up. Trust me, I know too.
from integrating :
Hi! :)
from whystinger :
I applaud you. You are worth much.
from i-am-jack :
It is. It actually tastes pretty good together too.
from integrating :
Hi..nice to see you back. I'm pretty sure you qualify for disability, then you can get financial help...after 2 years, I don't understand this rule whatsoever, but it's better than the situation you're in. Hang in there.
from whystinger :
Glad to see you writing again! Welcome back. As for your therapist, you may have indeed out grown her. You may want to have a chat with her and tell her that you need more from her. Try to be specific. I read about that somewhere and it hit home - I was to the point with my therapist where it was like I was paying for her to be a friend and I didn't need that. After reading an article, next session I told her that I needed more feedback from her and some direction/suggestions. She was a bit surprised, but things took off again. That was about three years ago and she has been a valuable resource to me once again. Still, there are times where one should get a new therapist. I have a feeling that I may need to change sometime in the near future. There are a few other ways of searching for new therapists too.
from whystinger :
I hope all is well, was hoping you had written an update.
from integrating :
Miss ya! Happy New Year's Eve!
from whystinger :
Was seeing how you are. Noticed I screwed up the link. should have been www.NAMI.org
from whystinger :
Check out www.nam.org and see if they have any affiliates near you. Depending on location, they have some good support groups and know where you may find decent service.
from integrating :
I like the song Wolf larsen-if i be wrong. I like the imagery in the video and she has a beautiful voice.
from integrating :
Hi Juli! I'm doing much better now that they've finally decided those credit cards got in my name are fraudulent. I'm about to write an entry about it. Hope things go up for you.
from lollirottt :
Hey. Glad you've been doing better. Hope you are still doing ok. It's such a pain in the ass when you do an entry and it gets deleted. Shit's annoying... Once again it's been too long since you updated. So do that. Like... Now. ;) if you want you can send me an email. I'll give you my password. Email is ode2solitude2010@hotmail.com.
from phaythles :
WOOT WOOT!! That's great that you're becoming healthy (mentally & physically) and getting your life on track. Keep it up :) Also grrrr about shit getting deleted. That type of shit makes me wanna drop kick someone in their fucking throat.
from integrating :
Hey...how ya doin? Fave song as of late= "Porcelina of the Vast Oceans" by Smashing Pumpins. Check it out. Hope you're doing allright.
from phaythles :
Working out is great...until its not. Hah. I go like 4 times a week now and I feel more comfortable with the equipment and being in the gym. At first I felt weird and couldnt fully relax cause I thought someone would be like youre not doing this right or get off my machine! But it never happened and now I feel more comfortable in my skin at the gym. I also go at night cause I find it difficult to get a good workout in with a bunch of people. Thanks for the well wishes and you can do it as well! I believe in you!! Woot woot!! Get your ass to the gggggyyyyymmmmm!! :) Also I totally get the whole introverted thing and having trouble making friends. As I get older I feel like I dont even have the proper amount of energy to go out and get a friend. I also think its the area I live in. People are rude. I am naturally socially awkward but nice. The friendly quirky nerd. These people are obnoxious assholes. It doesnt make a great environment for making friends. My point? Its probably not a 100% you but more like your environment is uninhabitable to making friends.
from thatgirlx :
I just now saw your note, sorry. I don't know you personally, but we used to leave notes for each other. It's been awhile tho... I don't write much on here anymore but kinda think maybe I should start again. Anyway.. Sorry. Um. Do you want me to unfollow you?
from integrating :
My brother's name is Bret too. He died when he was 16.
from whystinger :
I am doing well, just busy and then feeling lazy... How are you? Yes, fingering it out does sound dirty and sure could be taken out of context! LOL
from lollirottt :
I'm glad you're not in that relationship anymore. You don't deserve to be treated bad. No one does... I don't know if you even want my opinion on this but I think you should tell your mom. I've never been through that before and obviously I don't know how she'd react. All I know is that it's not good for you to keep a secret so big and so bad. It has to be so hard to not share it with her. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you... Now on to something positive. Evanescence will be doing three shows in November. And Nashville is one of them. I live about an hour from Nashville. So I really hope I get to go. I just gotta find someone who will go with me. Wish me luck! :) hope you're doing ok. You haven't done an entry in awhile. So... DO AN ENTRY! ;)
from whystinger :
My ex-wife had a way of mind-fucking me into believing that I was the problem. Manipulation. Great to get away from those types of people and stay away...
from whystinger :
I am so glad you are working with someone. I am sensitive to the stigma and wish I would have went to a psychotherapist years earlier than I did - if so, I may have left my screwed up marriage much earlier. Bravo!
from whystinger :
Go find a psychotherapist and work with them. It is NOT your fault you were raped and it may not be too late to press charged. Get this poison out of your system and talk to a professional. don't let the bastard continue to hurt you, please get some help and see if you can bring him to justice. My heart goes out to you. Long ago, I dated someone who was raped and she suffered a long, long time. I hope you can get some help or find some peace.
from phaythles :
Well I wouldnt say that my habits are healthy or nice or are totally effective. I just stopped cutting. I had cravings for the first few years. It was awful. I remember throwing out my kit and trying to be clean and breaking down here and there and using my moms kitchen knives. I started smoking (ciggs) at that time. So I basically traded one addiction for another one. Somewhere in that timeline I picked up an energy drink addiction (Monsters with Newports my ass was hyped) and finally got rid of that. I actually quit smoking (that was hard) and now Im not sure wtf to do with myself. I want to develop healthy addictions like exercise or carrot eating but Im like blah. I do shit in patterns like an addict I think its part of my personality. *shrugs* Im still super excited for you that you got a place. Having everything within walking distance is an added bonus :)
from phaythles :
Im excited that you moved to a new place. Thats great. You used to cut? Ugh what an awful addiction. I started when I was 14. My family had me so stressed out it was a way for me to handle my emotions and keep putting on a happy face. It took me years before I was able to finally stop it and pick up new habits for stress. Its hard for non cutters to understand. Stay strong and keep the blades away. *hugs*
from lollirottt :
*squeals* evanescence! Ah i love lithium. And in the end I guess I had to fall, always find my place among the ashes. I'm strongly considering getting that tattooed. Lots of their lyrics actually. Such a great band. :) ugh nightmares and migraines. I deal with that shit too. I've cried and thrown up because of migraines. And i'm good at handling pain. I took topamax for migraines for a year. Just got off it. It fucked with my memory a lot. Which is something I really did not need seeing as how my memory sucks ass as it is. And the nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night terrified a lot because of nightmares. And bad dreams that make me cry. There needs to be something that you take one time and it makes you only have good dreams for the rest of your life. Wouldn't that be amazing? I think so. Ugh I'm sorry. I'm going on and on. I do that sometimes. And sometimes I can't figure out anything to say at all. Ok I'm shutting up now.
from integrating :
When I attempted to change my html it just messed everything up. Nothing on this site works anymore. It's like life after the monkeys took over. Everything's covered with jungle vines.
from lollirottt :
Hey. :) Agreed. Linkin Park is amazing. :) I saw them in concert years ago and it was so much fun. They were so good... I keep trying to think of what to say in this note but honestly I've forgotten how to make friends. How sad is that? :( forgive me for being so lame...
from lollirottt :
I just found your diary and I really relate to a lot of what you talk about. Especially emotional eating and not having friends. I have one real friend left and she lives hours away from me. And I eat to deal with things a lot. It's a pain in the ass I know. If you wanna talk just leave a note for me. And if you want the pw to my diary tell me. :) I added you to my buddy list. My name is Danielle by the way. :)
from integrating :
Slap your dad...see what happens. haha...also, I've rediscovered Third Eye Blind. Don't know if you've ever liked their music, but it's pretty much all I've been listening to lately.
from integrating :
The day we went to the Dr....it's an hour drive now...left the house at 11 am, Dr. appt not til 3. Kris wanted to leave early to go thrift shopping. By the time 1 rolled around Kris was having road rage and no patience for 3 so I showed up early and begged to be squeezed in. I was a total anxiety-ridden mess..talking to the Dr. 90 mph. Told him son was in the car pissed so he got me in and out....music...have you ever listened to Led Zeppelin? I know it's before your time but it's really cool. Check it out.
from integrating :
I cut sugar from my diet and have been eating chicken breast and salad diet for a while now. I lost 20 lbs. I know waiting for housing sucks. And declawing a 10 yr old cat is ridiculous. At least they're letting you keep him. mwa
from integrating :
Thanks for the note sweetie.
from integrating :
Haven't forgotten about ya. You doin alright?
from phaythles :
Hah! We're all a little stalkerish so no biggie :) Im going to eventually become a sexologist. That is what I am hoping for. Ive always had a weird fascination for sex. Especially from a societal point of view. Like how come people are weirded out about sex? How come no one talks to their kids about sex? No one mentions sex but its all over the media. Females enjoying sex means shes slut shamed. Who made the first condom? Kellogg's frosted flakes was made to prevent people from masturbation. Just weird shit that hangs out in my mind. Love watching docu's on anything sex related. So I figured I should do something with that fascination plus I absolutely love psychology. Its the one class that has ALWAYS made sense to me. Its all about what makes people tick and their behaviors. Sexology combines the whole helping people out and getting to talk about sex. Are you in school?
from phaythles :
When I think of Nebraska I think of the words big & empty. Along with the states Montana and Wyoming. So if you are from/live there I am SO sorry! Guess this means we should start a support group or save up money for an escape route (cause Wisconsin suuuuuuuucks). We could go somewhere fun, like Vegas! Ahaha :) I am a psychology major. Currently on my bachelors which I swear is taking fucking forever and a half. I have to remind myself that I started late (like 20/21) and since I am only 25 I am right on track. Most 4 year degrees take 5/6 years. But, still. Im over it. Plus since its psych I also have to get a Masters. I also would love my Ph.D. So this pretty much means Ill be in school til Im like fucking 45 or some shit.
from phaythles :
Well I didnt voice my concerns, more liked bitched to my mom and like one coworker who was also bitching how some of our staff is lazy. Its apparently an ongoing problem. Those that I worked with the night before knew I was mad cause the next time I saw them they were giving me lots of space. Hah! The next time we all close together I will deff be giving those bitches (2 females & 1 guy) a powwow so that we are all on the SAME page. Hopefully thatll work or Ill straight snap on them. Our managers are of the useless variety. Our head manager actually hates confrontation and if he has a problem with you he just ignores you and chops your scheduled hours in half for a week or two. Very passive aggressive.
from integrating :
2014-10-03....That sucks
from phaythles :
Well thanks! When I write I feel like an angry toddler mindlessly banging away at the keyboard in hopes that I somehow connect a string of words in a way that would make sense. I feel like you and Atwowaydream write really eloquently which is why I gravitate towards ya'lls entries. Which means I pretty much creepy stalk when I have some available time.
from integrating :
I'm on klonopin and hydrochodone too.
from integrating :
I'm feeling ok. Anxiety about everything as usual. I will feel better when I get the rent to the office today and sign a new lease. Really don't want to but I don't have enough money for a deposit for another place.
from integrating :
2014-09-30.....lmao
from phaythles :
But it was very awesome and interesting and useful information right?? :) Side note: I like your entries. You express yourself in a way that relates to how I feel but better. Probably because youre cooler.
from anarchrist7 :
Hi there, have only glanced sporadically through ur stuff through the years. I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling.Some of what u've said is just a rewording of the exact things I've felt. We don't suffer from the same source, far as I could tell, but in response to ur entry on 2014-08-09, I'd invite u to read 3 interrelated ones of mine: So Blind, Judge Me, and Brakes (prob a good order to). Ctrl+F "Blind" and the others are slightly above and below that one. Keep writing! Best therapy out there :-)
from integrating :
Yes my brother's name was spelled Bret too....Yeah I'm having such a hard time with not giving in after 6..otherwise I think I'm doing pretty damn good..gotta stick with my mantra because I want to see another weight loss next time I go to the Dr.
from integrating :
"I have to pull myself up and not base my happiness on another persons approval"....right on.......my deceased brother's name is Bret too.
from phaythles :
Hah! I feel you on that. Ive been in multiple situations where Im like I can run this shit a hundred times better and Im not even "qualified". Its horrible. I wonder what goes through their heads sometimes? Especially at hospitals. Like you see 100 sick kids so youve seen em all? Ugh. Im just glad that part of my life is over and that hes getting better.
from phaythles :
Thanks so much for the note! Hes better now thank goodness. *hugs*
from jaysthoughts :
Some day it will be the last day we ever speak to the ones we love. No one gets a memo beforehand.
from phaythles :
Ugh I feel you on the soft porn thing. The AB series feels that way to me. The last one I read, Bullet, wasnt that long and it had 2 major sex scenes one happened to also be an orgy of sorts. The actual plot felt wrapped up way too quick and neat. And there are so many people now that Im getting names confused. So I was like ugh. Girl dont even get me started on boobs and shirts. Either they fit fine in the boob area but they are too big around the waist, or they fit the waist but too tight on the boobs. Also my pet peeve with womans shirts is that theyre cut funny and too short. Im also tall and big boobs and tallness just makes me feel like a hot ass mess in the shirt department. Ive always gone to men shirts especially their polos, button ups and hoodies because they give me length and males typically have a broader chest I get boob room and Im comfortable around my waist. I sure as hell cant wear a lot of the chick styles I see. Theyre cute but most are not made for females above a C cup I swear. Smh.
from integrating :
The guy I'm always talking about is my 32 yr old son. He's a combat veteran and has PTSD and he won't take any meds. He's really mean to me. I can't even talk to him without him going ballistic. I was living in my own apt and he was moving back from FL and he needed help financially so we decided to share the rent on something. My intentions were good. Now I'm regretting it.....I'm not sure what you're talking about referring to a deposit.
from princesscee :
Hey there, thanks for the note. I'm glad someone understands these things. Take care!
from integrating :
One time I made a $200 deposit at the bank. I never look at the receipt, but this time I did and it said I deposited $20. I kinda think the teller was not on the up and up.
from phaythles :
Bras! Oh they have quickly become the horrible thorn in my side. I went back to wearing my old ones. The new ones make my eyes twitchy. I only wear em when I know I am housebound for the day. Theyre comfortable I just feel like Imma end up with saggy easter baskets for boobs in the future. Strangely enough I have heard the same complaint about the AB series. I remember a few years ago I googled something and I ended up 20 pages deep in the web and came across some blog and comments about how sexualized AB has become and how she used to be attached to morals and shit. People were seriously in hot debate about it. I found it fascinating. I didnt realize people become that attached to random shit.
from phaythles :
Hah! I know that feeling. I havent met anyone who has read her either. Maybe there is just a bunch of closet fans? I tried to read the fairy world series but I cant get into it. But the Anita Blake series I dig though I am behind because I havent got around to the last couple books that came out. I got mad when she released Bullet because it felt like a mad rush of wasted space.
from whystinger :
I applaud you. Keep fighting the stigma. Are you a NAMI member? Do you have a strong local NAMI chapter? My local NAMI affiliate was a lifesaver. www.NAMI.org
from integrating :
2014-08-09 Yeah, my dad slipped up and said he wanted me to move in with him in MT so he could "fix me". He also slipped up and called me a hypochondriac.
from integrating :
2014-07-17 ...nice entry
from integrating :
I will be sure to check them out. :)
from integrating :
I just checked out "Wasteland by Needtobreathe". Love the photography, love his voice and the overall feel of the music. I'm going to load it up to my itunes. I'm hoping the CD has the same feel. I think it's something I would listen to on a regular basis. Thanks :)
from integrating :
You have to check out this song: "Best Deceptions"...Dashboard Confessional...and "Vindicated"..I discovered this band when my son loaded all his itunes on my computer. There's only 3 songs so I'm sure I would like their CDs. I love this band.
from integrating :
That sucks about your parents. My dad thinks I'm a hypochondriac. I don't think my mom would go to therapy with me either. I was crying one time and motioned for her to come lay next to me and she was distant and was patting me like a robot arm.
from whystinger :
Break-throughs in therapy are awesome! Brave to you! I find I am exhausted and/or tears are involved when doing hard work in therapy and having break-throughs!
from integrating :
Do you know the song "heroes" by David Bowie? If not check it out. Then look up the lyrics. It's my favorite Bowie song.
from integrating :
I didn't know the song Paradise so I looked it up on YouTube. I like the song and the video is really cute. I especially like the bit of live version at the end where the band were all wearing elephant heads. hahahahaha.....too cute. I only have 3 of their songs on my i-tunes. I'll have to get the whole CD when my money comes in. lovely, ta-da!
from integrating :
hey girl :)
from integrating :
2014-05-21....beautiful
from integrating :
I posted my email address somewhere in your notes. What would you like to know about music? :)
from jimbostaxi :
Your last post the lady kept calling saying she had an apartment on Hanover st, maybe it was a complex called Hanover apts in area near you.
from jimbostaxi :
Could it be the hanover apts?
from integrating :
2014-04-20...Love this entry.
from integrating :
Thank you.....about being sad...I have my moments. I'm sure you know what that's like. Music has a tremendous effect on me. Lynyrd Skynyrd brings back so many memories I can't help but cry. Got Beck playing right now...feel-good music. :)
from integrating :
I read this entry 2014-03-26 with Rolling Stones "Angie" playing in the background. It was perfect.
from integrating :
cheesecake----oh yum
from integrating :
slicksundae@yahoo.com anytime :)
from integrating :
*hugs*
from integrating :
I started to tell you about how I listened to 'Daddy's Little Girl' and meant to add that I had listened to that one song for 12 hours. My kids didn't even complain. Then I started getting tired of it and that's when the boys started telling us not to play that song.
from integrating :
When I can't sleep I try different things, like listening to some music, or fuckin around on the computer...vegetate watching TV. I once listened to the song "Daddy's Little Girl". I know that's not the name of the song. His song titles don't make sense.
from integrating :
Hi! Hope you're doing fine. Glad to hear from you. :)
from atwowaydream :
I will leave a briefcase with instructions for bitchslapping my dad, so leave one for me at our place of exchange, so I can reciprocate. I think we can get away with it as long as the gang from Scooby Doo does't bring their damn meddling detective work into it.
from integrating :
wanted to say hi. how are you?
from talktogod :
Just checked back in to say that I got your note back in January. Again . . . apologies because I don't get over here much any more. Thanks for the nice note. I hope you're okay. Take care.
from atwowaydream :
He might as well have rolled out the red carpet, that's how much he didn't ID me. Argh. By the way, the Oscars were a bit extra sing-songy weird this year, anyway.
from the-grey-one :
"i am playing this all moment by moment i have no fucking idea what im doing. there. i said it" me neither! hooray! i've read through a bit of your diary and i relate a lot to many of your words. you've got a very honest style.
from integrating :
I don't know how they are where you live, but it's very hard in TX to get disability without representation. If you apply by yourself you're going to get shot down every time. That was my case until I contacted a representative. He wasn't an attorney but a seasoned representative. That's when they finally approved me. Should have done that in the first place but I didn't know.
from alswelinhell :
yeah, shit. i just noticed, 12 years... congrats on your decade of d-land.
from integrating :
You definitely qualify for disability. Just get a representative or attorney. They rarely grant it without one. I hope your plans work out for you.
from integrating :
thanks for caring. i'm afraid of surgery which is why i let it go on for so long.
from atwowaydream :
"honestly we ate at subway the other night and im not sure i can gag down their sandwiches anymore" - Have truer words ever been written?
from integrating :
"im a broken record and even i get sick of me"....I can relate
from integrating :
I missed your birthday. Happy Birthday :)
from atwowaydream :
I know who Lucifer is. And I know who Gus-gus is. I will watch the fuck out of Cinderella.
from alswelinhell :
glad to see you still post. there's not many of us left.
from talktogod :
Been away for too long, because I don't write over here any more. When I finally checked back, I'm horrified to see what happened to you. I pray that you can work through it. I pray you can get your life back. I'm sorry I didn't keep up...
from frankie123 :
cherrygash -- i love your username.
from talktogod :
I don't think you're just giving excuses. And I don't see you as "mocking" God, either. Those feelings are natural. And, from my experience, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind them. You would probably be pretty good at psychology, too (or psychiatry). You seem very intelligent.
from talktogod :
I'm still here, still reading when you write, and still praying. I don't know about psych doctors sometimes. They seem so flaky (and here my oldest daughter is getting a psychology degree) sometimes. What you need is compassion, but firmness at the same time. That's a difficult mix to find. Don't give up on God, though, whatever you do.
from idontpretend :
You've gotta believe in yourself. Every single human being has a dark side, and if we didn't forgive ourselves and each other, we'd truly be living in a hell on earth. I know it's hard. But you're not as alone as you think you are.
from idontpretend :
Woops, I'm so out of it, I replied to one of your notes that I already replied to. My bad. >.<
from idontpretend :
Haha, i try not to, but it's harder when you have absolutely NOTHING else going on in your life. I'm with my cousin and her family now, and they've given me a really warm reception, so hopefully I'll have a life now and meet someone in the flesh for once.
from idontpretend :
Hang in there. Don't fight it, just accept it. Then change it. Acceptance leads to understanding, which opens up doors to change.
from idontpretend :
Never!! Especially if they're good friends. =D
from idontpretend :
Haha, been there, done that. I'm not going full-bore unless a) that's what she decides she wants and b) it's not going to be long distance for very long. She actually has the money to make it possible. But. I'm not really counting on it going any further than what we already have.
from idontpretend :
Haha, I would totally room up with you. If I had the money to even move. >.<
from talktogod :
I just stumbled across another online Bible Study site if you're still looking for something like that. It's at www.biblestudytools.com. It looks pretty good...I haven't delved very deep into it yet.
from idontpretend :
Ooo, you have anxiety? My brother has the same problem. He's on medication for it and it does help. But it's the cause of it that's the real problem. He's starting to face the causes of his anxiety, and that is what will enable him to overcome it.
from idontpretend :
I can't live with my parents anymore. My mother's off the deepend and I have to get out. She wants me out in a month anyway, and as of right now I don't have a place to go. I might have a cousin up north I might be able to stay with, but I don't know for sure yet.
from idontpretend :
That's the spirit! =D
from idontpretend :
Thank you, I try. =] Gawd kowns I've needed kind words in my life. I believe in you. x]
from idontpretend :
Thank you, I try. =] Gawd kowns I've needed kind words in my life. I believe in you. x]
from idontpretend :
People in pain make me sad. Just want you to be happy.
from idontpretend :
You remind me of me sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves a chance.
from idontpretend :
you're as normal as anyone else. we all have issues to one degree or another. there are tools we can learn to use to help us overcome these obstacles. writing is one of them. my diary helps me clear my head and get all the crap out where i can see it and make sense of it. and it doesn't always make sense when i'm writing it, but when i go back and read it, everything clicks. and sometimes when i write i think it makes sense, but when i go back and read it i'm not sure. at the least, it made sense when i wrote it, and i leave it at that. figure out what tools you have and learn how to use them.
from lobo21 :
Hoping you are feeling much better soon. Take care.
from godtime :
Hi there I bought a few mp3 teachings by Benny Hinn and I have up to 3 downloads I gave one away to Lobo also noticed your not to him. was wondering if you might be interested in them. One is on Prayer and Fasting. One is on deliverance, and the other one is on the gifts of the spirit.Just leave me a not at my dland with your email and I will email you the links if you like.
from lobo21 :
Hi. Thank you for your note. Good to meet you as well. I will certainlly let you know what I find and if it helps. I appreciate you doing the same. Take care.
from talktogod :
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you on your question. The best site that I have found for online bible study is www.christianity.com. It has a variety of online bible versions, plus topical bible studies that are available, and I believe it's all free. If I come across any others that look good, I will let you know. Grace and peace!
from talktogod :
Thanks for the nice note! It was good to hear from you. That and your entry from Sunday sound very positive and exciting! Praying that your new start will be successful and good for you. I've never given up on you, and neither will God.
from talktogod :
Sounds exciting! I'll be praying for your success.
from talktogod :
I wish you the best with your new therapist.
from talktogod :
I'm still praying for you.
from idontpretend :
Don't be so hard on yourself. The only thing that matters is what's in your heart. We have no control over the flesh and blood body that's given to us. We can only do the best we can with it. We each have our deficiencies that we have to learn how to deal with and overcome. Mine are more of the heart, as well as bouts of massive depression. But I fight through it and I find moments of peace and happiness. And they're worth it. You just have to find your own. Accepting the life you've been given is a big step. The next is to learn how to deal with it and instead of letting it control you, learning how to turn your weaknesses into strengths, how to live a full and happy life in spite of them. There's no such thing as "perfect" or "normal". Normal is what we all are. It's how we choose to live that matters.
from talktogod :
You'll never get "disappointment" from over here. We are what we are, and no one really has a right to judge us for that. All you will ever get from me is prayer and encouragement. And God's love...
from the-grey-one :
"You get used to it, sure you've never lied like this before, but it's something you have adapted to, trying to ease the blow to your esteem." I hear you on that one. nicely written
from the-grey-one :
ive been suffering for six years now. depression is a bitch. im struggling with so many things that you've been writing.. "overwhelmed from standing still" really resonated with me. im sorry it can get so hard. keep holding on
from thatgirlx :
Hey love, sorry I've not been here lately. How are you doing? I miss talking to you. I'm going to try to start writing in my diary again.. I've just had such horrible writers block! Anyway, hope you're well, let me know how you're doing. ♥ ♥ ♥
from talktogod :
Hm...I was going to type "I haven't forgotten you" and "I'm still praying for you," but I see that's exactly what I said last time. Nevertheless it's still true. I think about you often, especially when you go a long time without writing. I'm sending prayers and compassion your way.
from talktogod :
I haven't forgotten you. I'm still praying for you. I'm pretty sure God hasn't forgotten you, either.
from idontpretend :
I feel bad for you. You're not alone. But I feel like I'm bothering you, so I won't anymore.
from talktogod :
Wishing you a Merry Christmas. God bless.
from idontpretend :
I have no idea if anything I say means anything to you. All I ever try to do is help some, a little, anything at all. Try sitting down and making a list of everything you don't like about yourself and your life. Actually, the first thing you have to do is decide that you CAN change your life. Because the simple truth is, the only thing holding us back...is us. Then make the list. And start crossing it out. Think of ways to change or eliminate those things. And if you can't, then try and find a way to accept it and overcome it. Just tryin' to encourage you is all. Hope I'm not offending.
from idontpretend :
Oh, um, and I hope I make sense and don't sound like a jackass.
from idontpretend :
Hey, good luck. I hope you're able to learn how to open up to people with your inner demons. I promise you'll be surprised at how understanding people can be. Maybe not everyone, some people are just too self-absorbed. But there are plenty of people that will understand.
from idontpretend :
It's not hopeless. You figure out what you want, and then you take one step at a time in making it happen. The sooner you start taking those steps, the sooner you reach your goals. Sometimes we need help along the way. And talking helps enormously. Which is why I've offered to listen, yet you have yet to take me up on it.
from idontpretend :
You want someone to talk to, email me. waysoftheforce@aol.com. I can just listen if you want.
from talktogod :
You're never alone. I know it feels like you are, but you aren't. I have trouble remembering that sometimes, too. Don't give up on God, he's not indifferent. He may seem far away, but he's right there.
from idontpretend :
=[
from idontpretend :
You are not a waste of space. In trying to keep up with your diary, I don't fully understand what your problems are beyond the normal crap that most people have to go through. I wish I did. I'd love to be able to give some gem of advice that might help you see things from a different perspective. Maybe that's what you need is to see yourself differently. One small change can open doors to other changes. Find one thing about yourself or your life that you want to change, that you CAN change, and do it. It doesn't have to be life-changing. But it will show you that you can make a difference in yourself and in your life. And that might lead to something more.
from talktogod :
You go, girl!
from idontpretend :
It never seems to make sense. There are answers, but it can be very hard finding them. Sometimes it's better to just accept it for what it is and move on. :/
from talktogod :
At some point during all of this (maybe already) you're likely to feel like you are all alone. But here is one who will keep praying for you, no matter what, and has confidence that, somehow, God is going to bring you through all this.
from thatgirlx :
Fucking parents thinking they can treat you like a child...hm, that sounds familiar. I feel like I'm fifteen again or something. And having that year of freedom just makes this so much worse, you know, cause I got taste of independence and it was so fucking good and now I'm back to being a prisoner in my own home! Have you checked into any prescription insurance? Try googling it, you should be able to find something, like I found out through AstraZeneca (the company that makes seroquel) if you can't afford any of their meds (you just fill out a form) they will send them to your docs office for you for free (if you qualify.) And there a bunch more places you can apply for prescription coverage...you should check into it. Good luck finding a new therapist!! ♥
from thatgirlx :
Yeah, it'll lead to a substance abuse problem real quick. Or that's what happened to me anyway. Be careful mixing that shit, it makes you feel amazing but it's just bad news. No overdosing!!! Life might suck right now but it doesn't always have to. Please don't give up. ♥
from talktogod :
My heart hurts for you. I wish I knew what to say. I'm praying that God can rescue you from your depression.
from idontpretend :
Lol, wow, some therapists are crazier than their patients..
from thatgirlx :
No worries. Do you have a Myspace or anything that use regularly? So I could talk to you? ♥
from thatgirlx :
Well, there's not much to say, just got caught up in a bad situation, had to take the fall for something that was more someone else's fault than mine. What's been bringing you down? I know all about identity crisis...I still don't know who I am...If you wanna talk about I'm here. We can be lonely together, causE I know I sure as hell feel the same way you do.
from thatgirlx :
Unfortunatly, I was. They let me out after two months. But there was a catch..for the duration of my probation (two years) I have to stay in Michigan with my parents...which really isn't easy for me, I'd been in TN for a year, really liked it there, then all this shit happened. And the worse part is now I can't have any contact with my best friend... :( So i've been pretty down, just trying to take it day by day. I don't know how I'm going to get through this...anyway, enough about me, what's been going on with you? Are you doing okay?
from talktogod :
The entry for 7/9 sounds like a good song. I pray that you can do it. What you say is true. You know where God dwells. It is hard to say no to the flesh, though. Blessings to you!
from fan4 :
How are you?
from fan4 :
hi
from elliestuff :
I'd really dread the whole driving thing too..that you mentioned.
from talktogod :
And he has forgiven you uncountable times. And will uncountable more. You don't have to reach for his grasp, because he has never let go of you. You may think you're lying "dead on the floor," but what is really under you is his hand. He will never let you go.
from idontpretend :
I've done that, settled for less than what I wanted or needed. It's not worth it. Not at all. Try and stay strong, try and focus on yourself and making yourself and your life better. I know it's hard, but fight for yourself.
from idontpretend :
You have to look within yourself. Find your strengths and use them and build on them. Discover your weaknesses and find ways to overcome them. Admit to yourself that you're not perfect, and will never be perfect, but that you can and will be the best person you can be. That you care about yourself, about the people around you, about your life and the lives of those you come into contact with. FIND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, even if it's something that most people would consider small and inconsequential. Try new things. Figure out what you want, and make a plan, a path to reach it. Nothing will go as planned, but you might be pleasantly surprised where you end up. Life is infinite in possibilities, and you can never predict them all. You can only do your best, and accept your imperfections, and be the best person you can be.
from talktogod :
Your mention of a lack of support is kind of a symptom of our electronic age. I'm just guilty as anyone. We don't "know" anyone any more. We just sit at these darned machines and type messages back and forth to nameless, faceless people. We might connect on some level, and it is nice to know someone is thinking about you halfway around the world, but that still doesn't compare to real, one-on-one, face-to-face conversation. Not sure how to fix that either, because I seem to be addicted to this thing just like most people.
from talktogod :
Know that I'm praying for you, k?
from talktogod :
Good to hear from you again. Sorry to see the anguish going on, but you know, I've found that sometimes just letting out a loud "FUCK" occasionally helps. Like you said...it may not be the best way to express ourselves, but, you know, God has certainly heard worse, hasn't he? Sad that a married guy has kind of been leading you on, too. That's just stupid. Gives us all a bad name...anyway, hang in there...God bless you.
from talktogod :
You still out there?
from idontpretend :
Tyvm for the note. I just hope I don't blow things somehow.
from talktogod :
That's a beautiful prayer. You sound so much like me, it's scary. Also, thanks for the sweet note. I've found that, in the body of Christ, support comes from many directions, sometimes where you least expect it. I've also found that God is really kind and loving to us, especially when our desires are for him. Keep this in mind...there is nothing that we can do to make him love us less. He won't ever stop loving us. Ever.
from talktogod :
Hang in there, hon. Just don't give up. And believe me when I say, in a different sort of way, I can identify with you completely. I know what it's like to fight the fight and lose it. Frequently. Hugs!
from idontpretend :
Yw. I just hope I didn't sound like a twit.
from idontpretend :
You're going through what I've gone through more than once. The only advice I can give is give yourself time. I know exactly how hard it is and how painful it is and hopeless it can seem. Just focus on taking care of yourself right now. Don't put yourself into someone elses hands. You have to put the pieces of your heart back together and find yourself again, before you'll be able to truly trust again. Even then, it's hard to find people you can truly trust. They do exist, but it's not as simple as finding them. Every relationship, every friendship, is different. You have to heal before you'll be able to develop those relationships and friendships, and be able to trust again. And that will take time. So focus on yourself, focus on healing and living your life. Don't focus on other people. Rebuild yourself and your heart. You'll be stronger than ever, I can promise you that. And a little wiser to boot.
from talktogod :
Trust is a difficult thing. Especially once you figure out that people basically can't be trusted. I know that sounds terribly cynical, but at a ver basic level, it's true. So that mean that anytime we put our hearts out there, vulnerable, there is a risk that they will be stomped, shredded, and fed back to us on a paper plate. That's why we need Christ. With him as our "best friend," we have someone who is 100% trustworthy, and maybe, just maybe, we can put our hearts in vulnerable situations, reach out to people, and not have to worry about how badly they mistreat us. But that is so very difficult to achieve. Dang. This was supposed to be encouraging! Heh.
from idontpretend :
I usually feel better in the evening too. I think it's because I'm a night person by nature. I love the night, the way it wraps you in a blanket of darkness with pinpoints of light piercing the dark vale, and sometimes in a soft, silver blanket of moonlight. It's more peaceful. It's like the troubles of the day just disappear into nothing. Granted, I like being out and about during the day, doing this or that, but it's not the same.
from idontpretend :
Lmao, go to bed silly. The YMCA is a pretty nice place. At least the one near here is. They have a really nice pool. And yeah, jogging is harder on your legs than walking, but the results are just as different. I've heard that running is actually less stressful on the legs than jogging. Haha, I typed jobbing first. I'm taking my advice to you and going to bed now. xP
from idontpretend :
Walking helps, but personally I need more of a kick. Running, swimming, ellipticals, treadmills, whatever I have available. :) If you really want to get into better shape or something, you might want to consider doing more than just walking. Kickboxing sounds awesome, I'd love to take a class like that. I've always wanted to get into martial arts. And a dance class would be SO much fun. I really wish I had a workout buddy. Someone to do stuff like that with. It'd be so much fun. :)
from idontpretend :
Haha, works for me. As long as I don't kill myself with exhaustion like I just almost did. :O What're you doin' for your workout?
from talktogod :
Kickboxing! Yeow! Well, I know I don't want to meet up with you in a dark alley. Heheh...I heard Jumper wasn't very good. My friend said the effects were pretty good, but the story wasn't. We watched an amazing movie over the weekend. "The Martian Child" with the Cusacks (John and Joan) actually playing brother and sister! It was adorable! There was little kid in it that would steal your heart, I promise.
from idontpretend :
Working out ftw! Bah, I've learned hard lessons over the last few years. Lessons I will NEVER forget. One being that living and being healthy are vital to a long and happy life. At least for me. I'm a lot happier when I'm fit and taking care of myself. It's a long road to being fit and everything. The more out of shape you are, the longer the road. And I'm never going to travel such a long road again. Ever. I'm going to keep it a nice, short, leisurely walk for the rest of my life. :) Have fun working out. xD
from idontpretend :
Haha, glad I can amuse. ;D That's great you're learning not to take crap from people you work with. That's one thing I hate about working in restaurants is the power tripping. Everyone thinks they're God or your mommy or daddy or something. It's so irritating. It's kool if you want to help someone out, but I don't do other people's jobs for them. I've got my own stuff to worry about, without having to worry about someone else's responsibilities. And I'm not about to take the fall for someone else's screwup or slacktasticness. (don't you just love making up words) I'm more than willing to help someone out, if they deserve it. But if they're just trying to shovel their crap off on me, pffffft. *cracks whip* Basically, if they can't fire you, then don't stress 'em. ;D
from minstrelite :
You're welcome, sister. Thanks for the note.
from idontpretend :
Change is good. A new job can do wonders for you. I'm loving my job at the gym, for the most part. So much better than working in a restaurant. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I feel like I'm doing something positive for once. It really does help. Make those positive changes. You'll be pleasantly surprised.
from minstrelite :
Some people are hard to love. I'm probably one of them, in fact. I think that people who boast about their "accomplishments" and never stop talking about themselves are usually basically insecure, and they're trying to win the favor of others by impressing them with what they've done, or would do, or can do. It's easier to love them when you consider the source.
from talktogod :
Here's a verse for you: "Stay with GOD! Take heart. Don't quit. I'll say it again: Stay with GOD." That's Psalm 27:14 in "The Message." A different translation, but appropriate I think. Hang in there...
from vurrblurr :
mmmm francine rivers. i don't know how you feel about christian romance novels, but you might want to try melanie jesckhe's books. keep reading the word! i'm really happy to see you're looking into it :)
from onlygrace :
your new entry hits home. thanks for the notes =)
from talktogod :
Bleh. I never got into artificial relationships. I was never "popular" in school, and my parents really didn't like the friends I did have. It seemed like my friends were always the ones that no one else liked. I would rather be mostly alone and have one real friend than a hundred artificial ones. At least when I'm alone, I can focus on God. Doesn't mean I always do, mind you...
from idontpretend :
It sounds like you loved your ex the way I did mine, and it sounds like he ripped your heart apart the way mine did too. It is hard, SO hard, to overcome something like that. But it is possible. Just give it time. You'll figure out how to sort through everything that happened and find answers for yourself and in finding those answers finding healing. One thing you have to do is accept the fact that he didn't treat your relationship the same way you did, that there were differences in how he treated you and your relationship and how you treated him and your relationship. It sucks and it hurts, I know from first-hand experience. And there may be some things you will never understand. But if you can find acceptance, it'll go a long ways towards healing and moving on with your life and finding happiness again. I feel for you and I wish there was something I could do, more that I could say. Without talking to you and knowing you, I can only guess at everything you're going through that you don't talk about in your diary. Your pain is mirrored in my heart, and I hurt for you when you write those entries that allow me to catch a glimpse into your heart and soul.
from idontpretend :
Can I give you a little advice? Find strength in yourself. You don't give yourself enough credit. You just need to find confidence in yourself and your abilities. If we were made in the image of God, well, that means we have His strength. It's not necessary to depend on him to hold our hand through everything. Stop selling yourself short. It makes me sad.
from vurrblurr :
hey cg! you are so very welcome, i can't say enough about Him either. I hope everything is going well and that your situation has improved. sometimes it seems like nothing is going my way and everything frickin bites, but whenever i look back on things i realize that everything happens for a reason. God has a plan!! if you need anymore references i would be more than happy to share some of my favorites with you. in the meantime you can check out biblegateway.org and type in a keyword or a phrase you remember and it will bring up some sweet quotes. have a good day :)
from idontpretend :
I hope you're not starving yourself. Changing our eating habits is vital to living healthy, but it still requires us to eat. :o And if you really want to lose weight, you have to workout. Are you staying active at all? I don't know you, but through your diary I can feel your pain and anguish. From one human being to another, I love you. I feel for you when you feel so alone. You're not as alone as you think.
from vurrblurr :
hey cg, your last few entries have really compelled me to write to you. i just want you to know that god loves you so much, and i know that at times we cannot possibly understand why things happen the way they do- but that is the essence of faith. believing that everything is in god's hands. believing that he will take all your pain away if you just ask him into your heart and allow him to fill the emptiness. we were created with a void that only god can fill, and im sure you know by now that certain things in this world give us pleasure- but it's fleeting, and if anything we feel more empty than when we started. i really encourage you to reach out to the lord, and begin to develop a personal relationship with christ. you aren't perfect, i'm definitely not perfect, no human can be perfect or sinless. the only person to ever lead a completely faultless and righteous existence here on earth was jesus, and he died for our sins so that we could live forever with our creator. i know this whole comment might be a little bold or overwhelming, but i am praying for you. get involved at your church, fellowship will do wonders for your walk with christ. i think you will like these bible verses: jeremiah 29:11, isaiah 49:15-16, 1 Peter 5:7, Zephaniah 3:17, psalm 121, psalm 50:15, philippians 4:6-7. let me know if you want more! just remember, i know it's easy to forget, but god's love is infinite and forgiving. stay strong girl!
from snow666white :
sorry dear! I just sent it to you XXX
from idontpretend :
*huggles*
from snow666white :
gimmie your email, hon. How are ya?
from snow666white :
hey hon i hope you are well, i am locking up my diary if you would like entry please email me snow666white@hotmail.com or send me a note with your email addy and i will povide you with a password. ox
from thatgirlx :
You can talk to me, if you want... I know how much it sucks not having anyone to confide in... ((hugs))
from snow666white :
hey hon the concert was cancelled :( NIN are comin back in September, i will send you pics then! :):) hope you are well, sweetheart. xxx
from vurrblurr :
hey thanks for the advice! words of wisdom are always appreciated. and i like how you said you're going to live your story first, you GO GIRL. ps. my house is hot as balls too
from thatgirlx :
Hey hun, haven't talked to you in awhile. How have you been?
from vurrblurr :
it's so weird, this whole thing has been hitting me pretty hard lately. good luck with going back to school and don't worry, there's still time to find a good man and a good job! haha :)
from vurrblurr :
it's so weird, this whole thing has been hitting me pretty hard lately. good luck with going back to school and don't worry, there's still time to find a good man and a good job! haha :)
from onlygrace :
(http://www.desiringgod.org/dg/id1.htm)i found john piper's book online...is this the WHOLE thing? =) thanks!! p.s. Our hope is in Him.
from idontpretend :
It's time to take control of your life. Stop waiting for someone else to care, and start caring about yourself. It's hard, I know, because I'm going through it right now. But I'm done depending on other people. I'm done trying to make other people happy, when noone is trying to make me happy. If someone cares enough, they'll let me know. And when they do, I'll start caring about them too. In the meantime, I'm living my life, slowly putting the pieces back to gether, slowly finding happiness in life again. Bit by bit, step by step. It all starts from within....
from idontpretend :
I'm glad you're doing better after what you went through. I think the love is real, but people like Julia just let their fear swallow the love, and twist and corrupt everything, among other things that may play a role in what happens. She is such a fearful person, and she does have reason to be, but she lets it completely control her and her life, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I wish there was something I could do, and maybe there was, but I didn't see it in time. *shrugs* I realized alot of what you did, that I wasn't this terrible person that did horrible things to her. At least, not knowingly, or on purpose. I also realized that she really did hurt me in ways that noone else has ever hurt me. I never hurt her on purpose. I hated it when I did. But she lied so much and twisted everything, I never stood a chance, I didn't even know that I was hurting her so much of the time, or how, because she held it all in, lied bout it, even lied about being sad or unhappy...I can only hope someday she does open her eyes, for her sake.
from idontpretend :
Your note made me cry, alot. You said alot of things I needed to hear. When Julia left me, my heart broke. When her mother told me she was in Kentucky, not only did my heart shatter, but something broke deep inside me. The closest I can come to describe it, is that my soul cracked. And I'm still not fully healed. Some days are better than others. But days like today, I get so scared. I have an incredibly analytical mind. I can analyze a situation to death, constantly coming up with different possibilities for what could've gone wrong, what did go wrong, what could've been done differently, what could be done to fix it. The more important it is to me, the more I analyze it and try to find an answer and a solution. And in all honesty, there are times when it drives me crazy. It wasn't that bad though, before she left. It wasn't until after she left this last time, and I found out she was in Kentucky, that I really lost control. Ever since she left, things I used to process in the back of my mind, I now obssess over until I either find an answer, or drive myself half-crazy. I was actually doing quite a bit better until last night. Barbara was so upset, and I think that I'm really starting to like her, and when someone I like or care about is hurting or upset, I feel it, in my chest, in my heart, and I hurt and get upset too, because they are hurting or upset. It seems like the more I like them or care about them, the more I feel it, and the harder it is to keep from losing myself in what they/I am feeling. Tonight was rough, because few things piss me off more than when a man so blatantly disrespects a woman, and so blatantly treats her like a piece of meat. And the fact that I like her so freaking much so soon just plain scares me, which only adds to the mix. :( I used to be able to step back and let go easier, when stuff like this happened. But ever since Julia left, it's gotten SO hard for me to step back and let go. Which makes it so much easier to obssess over it. She broke my self-esteem. She stole my self-confidence. And it's been one hell of a fight getting it back. I really am doing better, but when things happen like what happened at work last night, it just seems to drag me right back down, and I have to find a way to climb back out again. Your note really did help. I think, I hope, I'll be ok. I'm afraid to hope, but I try to. Honestly, I freaking like this girl, and I'm SO surprised at how much I like her. She's very much my type, and I enjoy being around her. But....she's 19. So....as much as I like her, and would like to be more than just friends, I really don't have any plans for us getting together. Right now, it's nothing more than a wish and a thought. It's just that last night, I felt like I might've blown any chance for anything to happen, and I wasn't strong enough to handle it on my own. :( If she really is interested in me, then I really don't want to blow it......
from idontpretend :
I think I heard a saying a long time ago, something about how people love people who love themselves, or something like that. As much as it sucks to not feel loved, as I do most of the time, you have to fight the despair that can inspire in you. I know how hard it is, believe me, but you've gotta find yourself, find your way. If you've lost yourself, you have to find yourself again, before you can find someone to love and care about. The tricky thing about love, is that it's a two way street, and not many people are willing to travel one way down that street for long, if at all. I know how hard it is, because I want someone to love me too. But I'm slowly learning to find strength in myself again, which will only make it easier to find love again, in the end. Other people can't make you happy. They can only suppliment and compliment the happiness you find in your own life. It's a long, hard road, but I think you've got the strength to put one foot in front of the other, until you reach the end of that road.
from vurrblurr :
thank you! :) yayyyy aren't you glad d-land is finally working again?
from idontpretend :
Aint life grand?
from onlygrace :
once again, THANK YOU! your worse ring so true--exactly what i needed to hear. thanks for always being so encouraging. i just "met" you this week and already you're SO encouraging and always finding the right things to say. be blessed! have a wonderful weekend.
from onlygrace :
THANKS for that verse! Seriously, I think Psalms is my favorite book in the Bible because its just full of emotion and just simple cries out to God. :) I never thought of that verse, but Psalms 142 is one that Ive been reading a lot lately! be blessed! ♥♥♥
from idontpretend :
You're welcome, I just hope my advice was helpful at all. I'm hoping I get this job. I hate job hunting, and I really need something as soon as possible. Meh.
from vurrblurr :
oh my god i had no idea that schools could be like that! that's horrible and totally unfair, what the hell. im like fuming mad right now. something must be done- what the fuck. im so sorry that you had to go through that and are now suffering as a result. thats totally fucked up. and when you're young you cant choose where you live so there was no way to get out of it. im really sorry! i dont even know what to say :( and america is supposed to be the best, but we've got school systems like the one you described and we're spending fucking billions of dollars on iraqis who dont even WANT us there. AHHHHH FUCK THE WORLD. sorry for that, and thanks for telling me not to feel quilty
from idontpretend :
That sucks. I know Julia has never told anyone a fraction of what she told me. And I know she'll never tell anyone else. It's totally up to you, if you decide to tell a future husband or not. You certainly don't have to. And unless it's having a direct impact on your relationship, it probably isn't necessary, even though, if you trust him that much, you might want to tell him anyways, or not, if you're trying to leave it in the past. Personally, I'd prefer to know. Stuff like that, I'd rather know up front, instead of finding out in some surprising and unexpected way. I'd want to know what my baby's been through, what her life has been like. Anything so that I might be able to help make her even happier. I wouldn't be mad though, if she didn't tell me. It is up to her. Well, if I had a baby. Heh.
from rainbowqueen :
Wow, your exboyfriend sounds like a guy my mom dated.
from idontpretend :
I understand what you're saying, and Julia sounds alot like this guy in some ways. And you're right about alot of things. But there really was this good side to her, that blew me away. And I never turned a blind eye to the bad side. I never made excuses for what she did. I just waited her out, tried talking to her so many times, hoping that she would open her eyes, knowing that if she didn't, she would eventually leave, for good, because she couldn't face the truth about herself or me. And she did, she left. Just like I knew she would, eventually. But that didn't make it any easier. I loved her for who she was, faults and all. And I expected her to love me the same way. I guess that was too much for her. The thing is, when she first gave her heart to me, it was her and me, and noone else, and we were so happy, it was so perfect. And then things went wrong, and I knew what was wrong, for the most part. I knew that if we could fix things, we'd be ok. More than ok. We'd be happy for a lifetime. I don't regret fighting for her, or loving her, or forgiving her. I only regret, her not giving us a fair and honest chance to succeed together. Our relationship was SO complicated. And she told me SO much of her past. I was more than willing to fight for her. If I had won, it would've been worth it. It so would've been worth it. But I didn't, and it's over. And she moved on so easily, leaving me to live in my own personal hell. Sigh. I'm getting better. I really am. But I'm not like her. I can't pretend that there wasn't anything good about our relationship. I can't pretend that I don't regret the fact that she's gone. I couldn't ignore my heart the way she could ignore hers. Sigh.
from spillink :
I'm still here, I read other people's entries almost daily, just lacking a little muse at the moment 'cause of school and exams :)
from onlygrace :
haha, thanksss. its okay, we all have our "depressing" moments. trust me, im not in the best of moods right now, and i havent been in a while. its just life, you know? well, take care and be blessed. ♥
from idontpretend :
Heh, it's ok, I understand what you meant. And that last entry reminded me alot of Julia...so many people out there, that are messed up like that. :(
from vurrblurr :
well even if going to church on easter was a bore, thanksgiving food is always a plus plus PLUS! definitely my favorite meal of the year. mmm. i would totally scarf down a bowl of mashed potatoes right now, but im so fullll from dinner. bleh. i'm sorry you're so bored, atleast you can drink. if im bored i only get to eat. that's fun for like 5 minutes, then its just annoyinf because i cant stop eating food that i dont want. anyway, the whore island thing was a line from anchorman (keeping with the pirate hooker theme) haha
from thatgirlx :
Your latest entry really describes how I feel, except in my case, I believe it truly IS me. I'm glad you're able to look past that and see that it's everyone else, taking advantage of you. Keep searching, okay? Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually, if you look hard enough, you'll find exactly what it is you're looking for. At least, I like to believe that. Anyway, in responce to your note, I've pretty much done it all, from research chemicals like 2-CE (which produces a reaction similiar to that of shrooms) to coke and meth and X and pretty much any pill you can think of. I did shrooms a couple of times, wasn't too fond of them, found I was too unstable to handle them. I'm starting to hate drinking again, the way it makes me feel, the thoughts it triggers, the way I always say too much under the influence. I'm going to try and stop, at least for a while. I know what you mean about not being able to be all marked up, that's why I cut on my legs mostly. I have to wear a uniform to work, and it doesn't cover my arms, but I get to wear long pants, so... I'm not sleeping well either, having weird dreams, I'm EXTREMLY angsty, always irritated and on edge. I've been having these headaches too, pretty much all day. My backs getting worse, I can't sleep for more than a few hours without feeling the sensation of shattered glass jangling around back there... I think I need to see a doctor... get put back on some sort of medication... I'm tired constantly, never have any energy, I guess that could just be from the depression, I don't know. I just want to sleep forever and ever and never wake up. I'm not in a relationship, haven't been in a while, since the two-year one ended. That entry was about a friend. She lives in TN, I met her online, she wants me to come there, maybe move there, but I'm afraid... I don't know, it's like, I think she won't like me in person, or something will go horribly wrong and I'll lose her friendship, the way I always do with everyone. But at the same time, I want to get out of this town, there's nothing left here for me... I don't know. Are you feeling any better? I feel like shit, too, I've stayed in bed pretty much all day, nursing a headache, I had to get out of there, it was depressing me. This isn't really any better though... Anyways, thanks for listening to me, sorry if none of this made any sense, I'm in a weird mood. Take care. ♥
from idontpretend :
Ouch, I know the feeling. I wish I could find stability in my life too. Part of why I loved Julia so much, is because she gave me stability. In spite of the bs. I want to say I never gave up on her, but the simple truth is, in that one, brief moment, when she reached out to me on the way to the bus station, I didn't reach back. Not because I didn't want to, or want her to stay. I was just mad. But that doesn't change the results of what happened. I'm so afraid to love again. To trust someone again. To live again.
from idontpretend :
No, you don't piss me off like that. I try to be tolerant of other people's points of view, but some people are so blatantly ignorant and full of it, I can't help but respond in kind. :/
from thatgirlx :
It's been a while, huh? Sorry. My head's been all foggy lately, I've been having a terribly hard time collecting my thoughts. How are you? I'm doing okay-ish... I haven't cut in about a week, I'm so relieved. The reason I said it was 10 times worse was before, for me, it was. A long time ago, when I used to cut, it was never SEVERE, but now, this time around, it's gotten quite bad. But I'm hoping maybe it was just a phase. Anyway, I used to do the same thing, lose myself in drugs. I don't use anymore. I drink, and occassionaly take pills, but that's about it. I made a lot of mistakes, and finally I just realized what the drugs were doing to me and gave them up. I still think about using all the time, about how much I want to escape, to feel out of this reality. But I don't want to get sucked back down in it again, so I'm trying to stick with just alcohol (for now, though I'd eventually like to kick that habit too.) I was in a two year relationship, too. Well, I guess not quite, it's complicated, but I guess techinally we broke up two days before what would have been the Two year mark. That sucks about school, are you planning on going back? I dropped out in 11th grade, didn't even make it to college... I'm planning on taking some online courses though, sometime anyway. How's the job search going? I know what you mean, about it being depressing. The more you've got going on, the easier it is to ignore the underlying issues, like the depression. But I guess that's not really healthy either... well, I hope you're okay, let me know what's going on with you, okay? I'll try to get back to you sooner next time. ♥
from idontpretend :
I wish I could completely lose control. I wish I could just let it all out in one long scream, pouring out all the heartbreak and pain. I wish I could..........but the neighbors would probably call the cops about a murder next door. :x
from vurrblurr :
go back to your home on whore island!
from vurrblurr :
ok i totally left a message for you on my own message board. i would feel gay if i retyped it, so just consider it my gift to you... on my diary.
from vurrblurr :
haha YES! i suppose i come across as sarcastic in these diary entries. it's how i vent i guess. nothing i say is meant to be taken seriously... except everything about MRS. BRANSON. AHHFGHGHF.
from idontpretend :
Yes, the one sentence, "love you love me not", in your one entry, is what gave me the idea for that poem. It was just the spark, but that's all it takes, to start something, is a spark. :P
from idontpretend :
When Julia and I were together, I loved calling her mami. :o Of course, I'd never walk up to a total stranger and call her that. It's a little on the intimate side. Heh. And that one sentence in your other entry, 'love you love me not' inspired me to write a new poem. My first one in months. I posted it in an entry, if you're curious to read it.
from idontpretend :
Thank you :)
from vurrblurr :
Thank you! I was so excited when I opened it, I started screaming and running around my yard. Hahaha, it was the ultimate acceptance moment- straight out of a movie.
from idontpretend :
Whoa, what? :(
from spillink :
thanks for adding me :)
from idontpretend :
Holy crap, you sound like me. Not exactly the same situation, but I still love her SO freaking much, I still think about her more than I want to, I still wish she'd call me, and say the things I need her to say, to make everything ok, and to tell me she wanted to come back, that it was all a huge mistake. I shouldn't think these things, but I do. No matter how much I don't want to, I can't help it. :'(
from idontpretend :
Read, watch tv, play a game, stare at the ceiling, make a sammich, stare at the sky, paint your toenails, write a story, paint a picture, make some pottery, weave a basket, dig a hole, fill it back in, lots of things to do when you can't sleep. :o
from snow666white :
Like always I am sick... And tired And partied out... How are you, love?
from thatgirlx :
Ah, I'm so behind on notes, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I appreaticate the book suggestions, I'll have to look them up on Amazon, I think I still have some money in my account. I know what you mean about running, it's such a good escape. Always leaves me feeling empowered, like I've accomplished something. I'll have to try to schedule in more time for that, I've been slacking lately. So you had a terrible two year relationship? ((hugs)) I know that feeling all too well. It's only just now, in these past few months that I've really felt like I'm actually over him. I mean, I still miss him, and I think I always will, but I've accepted that he's not coming back (for the most part) and am trying to move on with my life, put the past behind me. But I sometimes still struggle with it, trying to understand what exactly went wrong, what I could have done/said different. But I know at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, so I try not to dwell on it too much. Anyway, yeah, I've been feeling numb. Just like you said. No tears, no smiles, no emotions, no interest in anything. It's so frustrating. I hadn't cut for... a long while, actually, up until about... I don't know, it hasn't been too long, maybe a month? since I've started back up. Congrats on kicking the habit, that's really great, you know? Keep being strong, keep restraining, because really, it just takes the ONE slip up, and BAM! you're right back where you started, only ten times worse.
from vurrblurr :
haha whoops, you were talking about the airport saying- not the st. patricks day one
from vurrblurr :
haha my bad, i couldnt think of any legal way to describe it- but yay for sunshine!! and i totally drink water from the shower, im always thirsty
from vurrblurr :
let's put it this way- it think we did justice to st. patrick's name!
from idontpretend :
No, I didn't get a chance to get out of the house. I wasn't really feeling sick anymore, but I was still feeling kinda meh. Taking an insurance class for the next few days, so I probably won't be able to do much outside of that until it's over. Boo.
from idontpretend :
Overall, I'm better. My head still feels, I dunno, stuffy, I guess you could say. I think I just need to get out of the house for awhile, now that I'm finally feeling better. Thx for the reading suggestions, but I think I just need time to heal. :/ And I am a spiritual person, I just don't comform to any religion. I love the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, but I've never been interested in reading any of his stuff that focuses solely on Christianity. I've got my own views and sense of spirituality. :)
from idontpretend :
Woot! Evanesence!
from thatgirlx :
"I've been coming to the conclusion that the unhealthy things I want, I want now, so I can make other things or feelings go away and satisfy what I want. But, in all time due, I am actually hurting myself, putting myself further back, and NOT growing by these things." So true, SO TRUE. And you make a really good point, about thinking about your decisions as a whole, versus a momentary thing. I'll have to try that... I tend to act on whims, at least when it comes to bad... thinking, I did this and this and this not up to standards today, so I need to do this and this and this to rectify the situation. But this and this and this is never a healthy solution, but more so an avoidance or a punishment. And you're right, it solves abosultely nothing. Just gives me a temporary piece of mind. I think it's great that you've found religion and that it's helping you, the things you said made me smile. Myself, I'm not religious at all. I gave up on "God" a long time ago, with the rational that if in fact a "God" did exist, I wasn't his/her biggest fan. I don't know, I guess I just lost faith after all the bad that happened. But to each his/her own. I'm always looking for some good, eye opening reading material, so if you do have any suggestions, I'm all ears. Preferably not anything pertaining to religion though... It's just never been an interest of mine. Not to offend you or anything... It's just not... me. As for Apartment searching, well, my dear, I'm not even at the point, I've yet to even get my Driver's Liscence. I have really bad anxienty, and everytime I get behind the wheel or a car I have a panic attack... So first, I have to conquer that hurdle... But I DO want to get my own place, I'm just scared of having to rely on myself, scared of being alone. I have the funds (I've been working since I was fourteen and save the few years where I blew all my money on drugs and alcohol, I've been saving) just not the motivation of life skills to fill in the rest of the picture. I keep waiting for things to fall into place for me, but realistically, I know it isn't going to happen, I know I need to make the first move, but I'm not so much a doer as I am a dreamer. And I don't really know how to change that... But you know, all your support and advice, it's really been helpful. Really really helpful. I like talking to you. It's hard for me to open up to people, but I find it really easy to talk to you for some reason. I don't know... it's weird. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Hope you're doing okay. ♥
from stormyskyz :
haha, you're hilarious, i just might use that. <3
from vurrblurr :
yes. hehe ;)
from thatgirlx :
Ahh! You know, I've been meaning to note you, I just sometimes find myself lacking when it comes to words... But I've missed talking to you, too. You always make me feel better about being me. :) So, I know I need to move out, I want to move out, there's just so much holding my back. Fear? I don't know. I'm just scared, a little unsure. The whole process seems too much to handle, especially all by myself. There's no one that I could live with, well I had one offer, but I thought our lifestyles might clash. You know, me being socially inadequate and her being like a social fucking butterfly. I don't know. It just seems weird. I view myself as this weird person, this far from the norm sort of thing, and my parents have already become accustomed to it, to me, so it's almost comfortable here, being that I can practially be myself without coming off as some out of this world creature. I don't know. I guess you could say my whole family is just... not typical. I guess most people think that though, huh? Probably. I totally get what you mean about goals, about how not having any makes life seem really pointless, like a day to day, not working towards anything hell. Yeah, well, that's where I'm at. I just don't even know what kinds of goal to set. What would I even be capable of achieving? But I think you're right. And I'm glad it's helping you. That's kind like exactly what my problem is I think. And you know, I do that whole 'unhealthy coping' thing too, and you're right about that as well, if it hasn't solved anything yet, what more can it really salvage? But then, I just keep doing it anyway. But you know, I'm working on it. And definetly your words have opened my eyes to some things. A lot of things, actually. Good things. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thank you. So much. ♥ ♥ ♥ (And if there's anything I can ever do for you, just say the word, okay?) Take care, hun.
from idontpretend :
Thanks for the words of encouragment and advice. Being in the military, they stress alot the importance of keeping hydrated and stuff, and what to do if you get dehydrated. I really should've gone to the hospital. They would've hooked me up with an IV, and helped me get hydrated again quicker than just doing it on my own. But I actually just got laid off, so I don't have insurance or anything. Meh. I've been drinking lots of fluids, juice, eating some fruit and yogurt. I'll have to try the grapes, and I forgot to pick up Gatorade. Heh. I hope you feel better soon. Especially since you've got noone to take care of you either. It sucks when you sacrifice for someone, and they take and take without giving back to you. *hugs*
from meganwaits :
Beautiful layout. Some very intense reads too. It is theraputic for you to write the e-mails. Sending them...sometimes, you just have too.
from idontpretend :
I'm not surprised he didn't reply. I wouldn't expect him to. It might be better if he doesn't. I've sent Julia emails, and she hasn't replied in a couple of months. And, in all honestly, it's probably better if she doesn't. :(
from idontpretend :
It's ok, you don't have to apologize. That's just how much your situation reminds me of mine in certain ways. It's great that you got it out. It'll help you face what happened, and make it easier to overcome and move on. :)
from idontpretend :
Gawd, your Wasted entry hit me like a sledgehammer. My gawd, your situation reminds me of mine, with Julia. The way she lied to me about loving me, and wanting to be with me. The way she twisted everything, so that she could play the victim. Including sex. The difference being, I never forced her to have sex. I always cared about whether or not she wanted to do something, or enjoyed it, or if it was hurting her or making her uncomfortable. And yet, she twisted that as well, because she didn't want to take responsibility for her actions, and simply wanted to play the victim. That's the main difference between your situation and mine. I was the guy. But while your guy didn't care if he was hurting you, I did care, if I was hurting her. And even when I pushed her to speak up, open her mouth, to tell me the truth, she flat out refused to. Your guy didn't even bother to try, did he? Everything else though, is so parallel to what I went through. That was an incredible entry. It hit so close to home, I had tears in my eyes through much of it.
from snow666white :
Hello. thank you for your words, sweetheart...they are very encouraging! How are you? How are things, love?
from vurrblurr :
haha its so gay when you pay them $40 and they chop up your feet. the whole time i was just like FUCK FUCK OW OW and exchanging glances with my friend next to me. but i finally took it off, but it stayed on a looong time.
from idontpretend :
Glad you're feeling better. :) The weather here's been pretty nice too. Of course, Florida usually is. :D Hehe. My day was ok. Not the best. But not the worst either. Rather meh I guess. Heh.
from idontpretend :
Hope you feel better soon. :)
from idontpretend :
Anytime! It's a rather nice view...er... :x
from idontpretend :
Yeah, fuck that. People like that, they need to either have a serious talk, and really work things out, or just split. And keep you out of it.
from idontpretend :
Glad to hear it. :o
from idontpretend :
Coke? :(
from vurrblurr :
hahaha i know!!! what the heck was that?? i was so annoyed, i just wanted to get some damn sleep. glad you liked the youtube entries, im not sure when it happened but im officially a youtube nerd.
from idontpretend :
Ohhh, spooky.
from idontpretend :
Geez, I've never had much of a problem with nightmares. Even when I'm having one, I'm aware of the fact that it's a dream, and am able to control it. You could learn how to control your dreams. It is possible. Maybe then you could sleep ok. :/
from idontpretend :
Hey, I'm pretty much in the same place you are, except that I think I'm finally coming out of it. It sucks. It's hell. But if you can hang in there, find yourself, find something that makes you happy in life, and use that as a springboard, even if a small one, to other things that make you happy, you'll be ok, in the end. And Christians aren't always the best people to turn to. They can be rather elitest, especially if you don't quite "fit in" with them. Personally, I'd rather do without them, even if I was raised in a Christian household.
from idontpretend :
Omg, I feel exactly the same way. I'm about to make an entry that explains what I mean. And you feel so different, because there was someone in your life that made you feel like you were less than human. And it takes time to overcome that. I know. I'm going through that right now.
from moreendless :
He never actually said them, I was never supposed to see them, and he was there for me through it all. There are two sides to everything. I don't know his exactly, but he wasn't a bad person.
from vurrblurr :
out of high school? thats cool, i will be in a few months. i actually really love hs, but last year was such a bitch. this year the people are cooler and the work is easier, and all our sports teams are doing really well so its exciting! anyway... menstruation is GAY. haha ive never really seen i love lucy- is it funny?
from thatgirlx :
It always really freaks me out (in a comforting sort of way) when someone takes the words right out of my mouth (which you do more than not) and it'd be a shame if you gave up writing. Be persistant, write what you want when you want and fuck what anyone (yourself included) thinks because it's you and that's what makes it so damn special. (Are you still following me?) Shit! Tell your therapist you're not paying him/her to nod their head and be curt, you want some fucking answers! Like a plan of course, you know detailed and listed numerically, like a full proof, can't-mess-this-shit-up guide to life. Or.. nevermind, maybe that's just me. Shit. Maybe you need a new therapist? A new perspective? It's so easy to dream big, ya know? But once it comes down to it, it's like, how the fuck do I get from here to there? Just another of lifes little mysteries I suppose...
from idontpretend :
Hey, if you want to be a writer, who says you can't be? This is just a journal anyways. You don't have to write award winning entries every single day.
from vurrblurr :
i dont even know. it just magically appears.
from moreendless :
Thanks.
from idontpretend :
Yeah, well, we'll see :(
from idontpretend :
Um, first of all, I don't hate her. Yeah, she's hurt me a great deal in the past, but so has every single person I've ever cared about, whether they meant to or not. Second, it's not a circular cycle, because I don't pretend that nothing is wrong. I know exactly what is wrong, and this is, in fact, the last chance I'm willing to give our relationship. She has given me reason to believe she does feel something real for me, and she has proven that she has moved forward and grown and changed. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes it doesn't take quite so long. Everyone is different. And yes, everyone IS capable of change. And yes, it is up to that person to actually make those changes. And I believe she wants to, has, and will continue, to change.
from idontpretend :
lmao. I'll off a few of 'em for you! :x
from vurrblurr :
yeah hairy legs are nothing to be ashamed of, sometimes we just dont FEEL like it you know?? dont hate! JEEZ. haha that last comment of yours was a little sexual (i picked up on it, dont worry) but who doesnt love awkward moments? i hope you like the newest youtube entry- think pussycat dolls meets disney
from thatgirlx :
I made it to midnight, but just barely. I agree that it's overrated. But then again, I think all holidays are overrated. I don't know. I know I should do it for myself, it's so fucking obvious, I'm just not ready to make the switch. It's not that bad. I really don't think any other job would suit my fancy, I'm just at my wits end wanting to spend all my days in bed. I'll get over it. Thank you. I'll be twenty-one in August. And you can bet your ass I'm going to get fucking wasted and that more than likely I'll do it all by my lonesome. I somehow pictured the big twenty-one as one blur of bar hopping and random phone numbers but I'll settle for anything really as long as I don't have to spend it sober. Either way, I hope your celebration is everything it should be and then some. I really do. ♥
from moreendless :
Hi, how are you?
from vurrblurr :
hahahahaha pistachios?? well thats not too bad, once you start eating them you can't stop- they are SO addictive. well sounds like a good christmas to me! happy new year, too!
from snow666white :
Hello Princess XXX im barely on msn...email pretty please would love to hear from you...i need to get net access at my new place :) xx
from vurrblurr :
i used to have a job but psshhhh i quit that, takes up way too much time! for christmas i basically got money, gift cards, clothes, the usual... and thats about it. oh, i got a pretty sweet sheepskin seat cover for my car. HOLLA! how about you?
from thatgirlx :
You work with animals? I'm so jealous! But I couldn't work anywhere like that, not around needles... I work at a hotel. ( You're jealous, aren't you?! ;) ) I'm a couple seconds away from quitting I think, maybe if it didn't take quite so much effort I already would have but I just really don't want to start over someplace new. You know? I'm not making any sense most likely. I tend to ramble sometimes. How old are you? I can't remember if you told me ever or not. I was reading your entry, about the eyes, it's funny cause once this girl told me she could see pain in my eyes, that they were tired and spoke of too much experience. Something like that. People can tell a lot from your eyes I guess. I try not to make eye contact anymore. Just so noone can read me. Whoops I'm rambling again. Happy New Year! ♥
from thatgirlx :
You're such a sweetheart! Thank you! ♥ I have a million questions but they're all just sort of swarming around in my head and when I try to make sense out of them they come out all incoherent like and scattered. It's really a mess in there. But if and when I tackle my mind with organization in mind, you'll be the first to know. ;) How's everything going with you? With the new job? I really hope you're okay, and if not that offer goes both ways you know, so I'm just a note away. ♥ ♥ ♥
from idontpretend :
Haha, yeah, I love it when I have to teach myself how to do my job. o.O
from idontpretend :
:( I wish I knew what to say
from idontpretend :
Awwwww, I know all about psychiatrists. :( Yeah, just because they have a degree, doesn't mean they know what they're doing, or that they know what they're talking about. Some of them even project their own issues onto their patients. Sigh. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen. I'm good at that, if you ever need someone to listen. :)
from moreendless :
<3 I know what you're saying. And for now, things are good for me. It's just hard to remember how things are better when I'm alone, you know? When I can't sleep and such. But I know they are. And I know why. And that's all I need right now.
from vurrblurr :
yeah i cant wait for therapy! wooo. my mom probably wont make us do it though, its gonna be hella expensive. anyway, thanks for the support! i hope you get the job ;)
from thatgirlx :
Congrats on the job! I fucking hate interviews... They ask the stupidest questions sometimes. Waste of time if you ask me... You LIKE smoking resin? I've never understood that. My EX was ALWAYS scraping his pipes for resin... I thought it was nasty!
from idontpretend :
Nope, no pets at all. Not supposed to have them. Landlord doesn't want any here. I might be getting a cat though. Shhhhhh. :x
from idontpretend :
lol, I should eat more fruit. I'm hopeless when it comes to vegetables. :P
from idontpretend :
Chicken pot pie, hahahaha.....er...I'm so jealous... :x
from idontpretend :
teehee >.<
from idontpretend :
haha, you are such a stoner
from moreendless :
Oh, don't think too much of me for simple kindness. I am rarely rude, but that doesn't mean I don't seek my own despair. Nor does THAT mean that it wouldn't come to me if I didn't. Aw, I'm confusing. And I'm sure I've been to that place, at least at times. It's not so bad at first, it takes a while to see it's not worth it.
from snow666white :
hello lovely. my msn is screwed. please try and re-add me? snow666white@hotmail.com or mesh_and_lace@hotmail.com...thanks lovely grrl mwa ox
from moreendless :
You're blunt, though, eh? Bold can be good, it gets things done.
from moreendless :
If you read back far enough, you'll see, though I hardly expect anyone to go all the way back when I can't. Wish I could. But I had an abortion. And the pills? I've a slight addiction problem; ecstasy. I've quit the rest on my own, but I've never been able to resist that one drug. Until now...so far.
from idontpretend :
:O
from vurrblurr :
i swear im not a youtube nerd!
from snow666white :
Worry not! I cannot die. I am a Rasputin of sorts. hehe. thanks for the notes, sweet girl! I hope you are well oxxo
from idontpretend :
I know exactly what you're saying. That's exactly what happened between me and her. That's exactly what I saw in her, and felt for her. She's this beautiful, awesome person inside. But she's been through so much horrible shit in her life, that the person I see inside is so buried, she may never reach the surface. I tried so hard. I guess my biggest mistake was in trying to get her to face the truth about her past, and about who she is. So many people don't want to face the worst parts about themselves and their pasts, even if the worst parts aren't their fault. And her mother was/is a huge, negative influence on her. Her mother instilled the worst parts of her personality. The negativity, the ignorance, the inability to face reality and the truth. Oh well. It's over. It's finally over. Maybe now, eventually, I will find peace.
from thatgirlx :
"so not only do i envy that your family actually has alcohol at these functions, but i miss out on all the great 'drama acting' of grown people trying to make up for themselves by diving into the gravy and saying thanks for the 20 year old who spiked the punch because that AA shit just isn't working" Oh shit. That is too perfect. Too too too perfect. Thanks for the advice. I've been avoiding furbies since I was little and realized they're not fucking cute, they're just possessed little creatures who someone wound their ways into the homes of millions. But I'll be extra extra careful now. Happy Thanksgiving. ♥
from moreendless :
Nice to meet you, too?
from thatgirlx :
Eh... you know, I think I get what you're trying to say. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about me, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the notes. ♥
from snow666white :
Mon Cheri!!! Hello! How are we, dear?
from wiltedxdaisy :
hey, found your diary while browsing. i can relate to a lot of your entries... i'll be reading. take care. <3

back to cherrygash's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update September 27, 2018: SORRY! There was a massive server failure this morning and the site was down about 20 hours. Luckily, this is why I pay extra for good backups, so everything should be fine now - let me know if you have any trouble.

Sign up for paid membership to help make the site possible to keep going for.. is it 20 years yet???

More fixes soon.

Users online