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Yup, could go to LA or SF sometime in the next year. It's not strictly about jobs but that's a big part of it. It is NOT you, it is THIS city. I don't feel like merely surviving here -- I'd rather have the room to do more. Great city, maybe I'll come back later. Right now, however, I'm up for a job in Montclair, N-fucking-J. Maybe I'll live out there for a little while. I'm scared. CD will be out to you soon.

from somthin :

Want a cd? I'm pushing 'em off on people. Gimme your official work address and I'll get it to you for free free free! As far as job hunting...I'm bout ready to move back to Cali in order to find a job I can tolerate. Fuck.

from glass-faerie :

I just filled out your schizophrenia survey, and thought I'd pop in to your diary and say hello!

from somthin :

Ah, hell, I forgot about the boat. Damn. Can you bunny swim? Maybe I have a cunning plan ...

from somthin :

Popcorn -- check, bug juice -- check, dvd player with all the black adder discs -- check ... we all set now.

from somthin :

Let's just go -- I'll bring the popcorn.

from somthin :

Thanks for the note. Seems you and me, and a bunch of other geekassmothers I know, are in a similar boat -- I mean BOOT, like as in DAS BOOT. You want escape-ism? I was looking at jobs in San Francisco yesterday (lived there before, not a real big fan) and also the cost of lots in Belize -- $15,000 will buy you beach front on the Caribbean, and they speak English there so I can continue to be ignorant and lazy. SO many options.

from insanegerbil :

"i make myself paint or do something that at least looks productive for a few hours."....haha...good shit.

from somthin :

The job is at an auction house -- meaning very corporate. However I'm into it if they give it to me. I can deal for a year or two. It's about benefits and basic sanity at this point -- also they said something about a free gym and lawd knows I need some of that. I'm cheaply bought these days. $5 and a cheese sandwich would just about do the job. I'll take the funny face thing, thanks, and an insider tip on museum jobs? You bet. This town is absolutely the worst case senario of "who you know"-ism. I've lived in several major cities and never had such a difficult time. By the way, food is good food, enjoy it.

from somthin :

How sleep, huh? Eating?

from somthin :

Should hear this week ... eee ... I've got a pal in there giving me insider info and it seems there is one other contender. I've offered to arm wrestle this individual. Haven't heard his opinion on the matter yet. Yes, the waiting sucks. My face IS funny but there is little I can do about it -- sheesh.

from abhorgod :

fuckin shit mannnnnnnnn. officer officer you got the wrong man. and no i cant just let you go. youre nothing but a stepping stone on a path to debt - to loss - to shame. i love coffee.

from abhorgod :

well like, if i were you. id be jealous. but of course im saying that because im me talking about myself pretending that im you. so whatever, who can we trust. neither of us.

from somthin :

Thanks for the well wishings. Bought a suit and cut my hair. Sorta pathetic, really.

from abhorgod :

i dont think you are even aware of of sentimental i am. im almost 22, i still sleep with my baby blanket and this stuffed animal i got when i was born. i have this mug, the only one ill drink out of actually... i call it "the cow cup" sometimes i even refer to myself as "kris cowcup roooooooooohe" if anyone including myself ever breaks this cup, i will very much consider suicide. i almost beat up an ex girlfriend over a t-shirt she tried to steal from me. IM ACTUALLY WEARING THAT T-SHIRT NOW.. fuck thats weird. im gonna stop. (writing, not being sentimental)

from abhorgod :

love isnt an excuse for tax breaks. i dont know man, who pays their taxes anyway. now its 5 in the afternoon and im bored. i should be fucking someone right now. --- dont get the idea im anti-gay marriage. im all for it. i think the sanctity of marriage should be based on the principal that two people love each other - whatever their differences and maybe even to spite their similiarities. 50 percent of all marriages fail and the pres/congress want to talk about the holiness of the union. marriage is a big fucking joke, thats why i dont understand why gays are so adament about their rights to it. and i get the argument that we should all have the same rights.. but really.. who wants the legal rights to an absolute sham. what the fuck does marriage mean anymore.

from abhorgod :

im against homosexual marriages. fucking, im against heterosexual marriages. the church and the country we live in are both such corrupt fucking cuntfaces whores. marrying people only gives money to church's, lawmakers, and lawyers. i dont get why fags (no offense) feel the need for their relationships to be justified by people who look down on them. life is life, do your thing and be happy. also, its 3:45 and im drunk, i dont really remember what i just typed.. if its mean im sorry

from somthin :

By the way -- I just realized that you're on Bergan. Teva and I were walking down your street the other day and I was trying to recall who I knew who lived there. We ate at a cool "Spanish" joint at 7th and Flatbush then walked the whole way on Began until we reached the G at Schermerhorn (sp?). Nice hood. The restaurant is called the Castille of the Jagua (my Spanish is nonexistant). Check it out. Yummy plantains -- but, ha ha, look at me talking about food again. Oh, yes, it is that time of year for strangers to discuss the heat with anyone within reach. I don't mind the comisseration but the fucking heat is a pain in the cojones.

from somthin :

Eating is one of the few things that calms (I so wanted to write "clams") my nerves so I can't entirely go without. Sleep is another -- so in my book on how to survive you are definetly outside the law. How does it feel? You sort of sound like my manic deppressive pals who go off their meds, meaning, enjoy it but keep the ground where you can feel it. Pip pip.

from abhorgod :

i know i have a good life. even if i come off like im complaining about my life, which i try to not do. i really do have a sweet deal going for me. but yeah, the zoo sounds like a good deal. i dont know how far from penn station/madison square garden the zoo is, but ill manage. cause thats how i roll

from abhorgod :

I like the myspace thing. that shirt is fucking amazing. since i dont really write shit about my real life in my online diary ill give you a quick overview of my semi-eventful past few days. ive lost money playing poker and betting on calgary. i walked out of on my general manager saturday night when she pissed me off. i was unemployed sunday and monday but got a job today. i got pulled over while severly shit faced last night, because i "stunk" of alcohol i had to perform 3 sobriety tests. i didnt cleanly pass any of them, and still convinced the cop to let me go - without even giving him my PBA card. im prepared for that future in which i get pulled over for something serious. haha. i was bowling prior to getting pulled over with some of my friends. while intoxicated we make awesome bets. thank jesus i won this one, nest week one of my friends has to bowl in a diaper and a bra. pictures will be taken and ill make sure you get one. im sure a lot of other shit happened, but ive been drunk a lot and not really paying attention. im supposed to go into NYC tomorrow and meet up with a friend of mine thats visiting her dad. shes lives in vegas now. im going to watch the daily show with jon stewart, and go to sleep, sober.

from abhorgod :

round here. something radiates. why are you never on-line anymore?

from abhorgod :

thanks man. crime and punishment.. for some reason, i cant read that book quietly. i frequently pick that book up before i go to bed, much of the time im drunk - but ive read the book a number of times and i just flip to a random page and read. i love the way it sounds to hear greatness filter through your ears and drip into your brain, that ugly fucking sponge that soaks it all up.

from abhorgod :

yeah.. basic-lee. all you need is something to mask putrid smells and alcohol. i guess i should mention that i got fucked tonight. nothing beats a beautiful girl with a beautiful ass and beautiful boobs. nothing. except 4 shots of ice cold vodka.

from abhorgod :

when you catch yourself in that mode. i say. pour a stiff drink. a really stiff drink. and sit down. listen to alice in chains. and re-evaluate.

from abhorgod :

happpy birthday. i used 3 p's so that you would know i mean more like - extra special happy birthday and i hope its the best one youve ever had... also.. soprano's is still on TV???

from abhorgod :

im still in NJ baby. i just tell fruits who want my cock that i live in that shithole of a state.

from somthin :

Hee haw, I ain't got the powers of some kinda superman guy, you know, not in Bed Stuy anyhow. Now if we were talking Greenpoint, well, that'd be no different whatsoever. I got nothing but a lame haircut and a thirst for a well deserved pint of blood. Or lager. Or luck.

from somthin :

Plug in already.

from boardho :

I was getting a little worried about you. Get connected soon.

from dizzigemini :

how ya been girl? no in the mood to write these days? at least show bunny pictures, they are the best. ur bunny is so cute.

from abhorgod :

whats going on . im still drunk and full of nothing to say

from devilsdealer :

Congratulations on the new digs!

from somthin :

well done on the new place. I used to stay with a pal at 90 Bergan now and then. I thought it was sweet.

from somthin :

There are a few hidey holes left in Brooklyn, I think. Greenpoint ain't crazy expensive though it's mighty Polish ... maybe try there -- the G train sucks backside however. I have to walk to the L which means going through Williamsburg which in turn means wanting to gun people down in the street. Drove down 24th last week, honked, didn't see you.

from somthin :

Brooklyn is okay but you may have to put up with a whole lot of hipster mumbo crappo. LIC is quietly being overrun as well. Still, you may like it compared to the current situation. I'll keep my ears peeled raw for ya ...

from somthin :

Space may be the final frontier but basic sanity is not a bad thing either -- nor is it asking too much. We'll have to compare notes ...

from somthin :

My eyes are peeled for blue eyes and bean tacos. Someone once assumed I was gay, by the way, it was funny circumstances ... but even more funny was that she then proceeded to hit on me relentlessly. Maybe I'll write it up.

from somthin :

Well, keep your eyes staring into space on the street and maybe you'll see me cruise by with tears streaming down my face (due to frustration, boredom and general contempt for my job, traffic and who knows what else). I'll be the one in the 18 foot white truck. Pip pip! BTW, short term attainable goals are the only things that keep me going ... for example my current goal is getting myself some damned lunch. Think I'll go put on 10 punds by getting some fine Mexican food -- mmm, lard.

from somthin :

Drove past you yesterday and yet no Hello or nothin. Geez. 10 pounds? Can you afford it? The sun is out today -- isn't that something else? Makes me feel optimistic or something else I'm not used to.

from dizzigemini :

gasps out loud...."locked". Well, u have your reasons...take care 'manda'panda'bear

from xeran :

Yes, and a lot of my job consists of typing. Most of my cuts are on the tips of my fingers ,which then get mashed mercilessly onto the unforgiving hardness of the keys.

from xeran :

Yes, I can handle broken bones, skinned knees and elbows from falling on my roller blades, but give me a paper cut and I turn into a big blubbering baby.

from xeran :

Yeah, it was a bit of an ouchie. Luckily, I'm a big, strong man who can bear a lot of pain. Unless it involves paper cuts, then I turn into a wussy girly-man. :)

from somthin :

Ate at Comfort last night... mmm... cake at Malibu, eh? Hmmm... 100 pounds? My boots and hair alone come to that. Sheesh. See ya around the campus.

from somthin :

You got it. It's Jersey today and then later we'll be in Chelsea -- how's your back? I mean, feeling strong? We've got large bronze sculptures going out. Hey, you're near famous Teva's place of work, sort of. Ever go to the Comfort Diner on 23rd and 5th? Not bad -- what am I talking about? Crimminy, must be the migraines. Toodle-friggin'-oo.

from somthin :

maybe next time. for the record you didn't miss much, well, maybe a near fist fight with a bunch of thieving youths upon return -- they were trying to steal from our garage ... ah well. boys trying to prove something about being older than they are and it's so standard and so sad in many ways. smallness.

from dizzigemini :

...that moving picture.....sets new meaning into the word.."moving"....*sigh*, happy child at least, yes?

from miss-k2 :

that picture is hilarious

from xeran :

LOL. Nah, we just mighty proud of our state. It's almost as much of a religion as football. We're normally pretty cool about things.

from xeran :

Maybe some guys can't handle open, honest talks. But that doesn't mean ALL can't. We might not have any insight to offer, but we are willing to listen. Your male friends might surprise you.

from somthin :

It is an enigma and my ramblings aren't doing a thing to clarify even the smallest fragment of it -- I mean not even for myself. I guess I'll have to persist no matter how fruitless and inane. Ta ta.

from somthin :

Oh, thank you, any type of shrieking will do -- just so you know. I look forward to the surprising/ sudden attack.

from somthin :

If those monkey attacks are lethal then I'll take one to go please. I'll accept coma inducing as well. I need some rest. I am curious if there is any sort of monkey chatter during said attack? It's a pleasant thought.

from xeran :

My typical turkey day activites include: "show up", "eat" and "play football until someone breaks something". Oh, and "go deer hunting, unless too stuffed. Or the one who got broke."

from xeran :

I do actually despise the day, but no, I am not out broadcasting that information to all who will listen. Unless you count this rant in your notes.

from xeran :

My dislike for the day stems from the fact that it is the day my ex-wife chose to inform me of her decision to end our marriage by serving me with divorce papers. Before then i loved it. Now it just brings pain.

from abhorgod :

i wish i had a fan club, fuckin am i typimg OK - i really am juts kuje fuked uop - i just fot retarded with actually my majaner at ny job and he had a gufin l9tot of coke that we snoirtekt the shit out of. christ. im fuckdd

from avantbedroc :

that art of yrs is pretty swift

from somthin :

Yah, big shoes used to be reeeal important to me. Funny how one's sense of fashion changes over time. Why just yesterday I was wearing that pair of jello socks -- remember those? Geez I was wacky back then. Hey, I used to review live bands. It was all right, especially the free beer, ahem, however writing about music you not only dislike but do not understand how or why anyone could, well, it is difficult. Worse yet was interviewing the members of these groups... Holy crap. Beware the interview.

from dizzigemini :

what would u recommend me doing about my sister? Shes man/dep/bi-polar...and refuses to take medicine, which is liptronol, benzanol and something else...I'll bring it next time. She doesn't want to be in the hospitol and is at the point where she will be baker-acted for her own wellness. I know she needs therapy, yet won't hear of it. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to ...so I thought maybe u had a link of somesort. Could u ask ur doc, if he has any info on docs here in south florida. I just don't know whwre to start. It's so saddening to see her this way.

from frail :

thanks for the note. i really appreciated it. :), cathy-ann

from xeran :

Disconcerting? If you say so. But, that is a good way to look at it. I am HORRIBLE about biting chunks out of my cheeks, even without painkillers!

from xeran :

ACK! That would not be fun. They give me gas, as I had a bad reaction to novacaine (gave me an instant migraine). I wouldn't want to imagine no pain killers what so ever. I adnit my wussiness.

from xeran :

They didn't give you the gas?

from miss-k2 :

Thanks for the offer, it's only money, I'll make more. :)

from abhorgod :

who knows. i was scheduled to work today at 11am and 4:30 - i didnt go in for either shift, and i didnt call out. fuck it

from miss-k2 :

I have days of total despair as well but I just try to focus on the positive things in my life. I love reading your diary you are so intune.

from abhorgod :

i miss you

from xeran :

Let's see, the weather guy said it's 20 there. I might need a jacket, if the wind is blowing, otherwise I'd be good in my jeans and long sleeved shirt.

from xeran :

I'm actually quite shocked to hear that you are venturing outdoors. Watching the news, I learned that the north east was experiencing a blizzard. Stay warm, dear.

from dempress :

Yeah I do know what you mean. It is the lack of understanding that others have reguarding the mentally ill which makes me more than a little ticked of at times.

from dempress :

It is sad to see a schizophrenic out in public without her medication. I was the culprit of sucha crime two weeks ago. I went somewhere without my night pills and the whole so-called sleepover with a so-called friend ended up in sheer disaster. next time i go anywhere overnight I will make sure that those medications are the first darn things I pack so as not to cause embarrassement to myslef or to anybody else. The Patroness of the Mentally Ill is my patron saint. She was an Irish princess who was also a virgin martyr. Her name was Dymphna (Dimf-na is how her name is pronounced) Her father went insane with grief after losing his beatuful wife. She had died while Dymphna was quite young. The father tried to persuade his daughter to marry him but she being pure of heart and knowing that this was a sin outrightly refused. He asked again and she ased for time to think about it. as soon as he waled away she escaped from the palace with her confessor St Gerebran, and fled to a small town inn belguim known as Gheel. When her father found her he offered her everything he could think of to sweet talk her into marrying him. The Confessor rebuked her father for the wickedness he was doing and for that the king ordered St Gerebran's death. More empty promises were made on behalf of Saint Dymphna's part but to no avail. She refused every promise and proposal put forth by her father. In an insane fit of berserker rage, he took a dagger from his belt and struck off her head. This happened when she was only fifteen years old and it also happened on May 15th which is now her feast day and aslo a special day to remember all of those all over the world who are suffering from mental illness. She is the patron saint of peace of Mind as well as Patron Saint of Family Harmony. I am a member of the National Alliance of te Mentally Ill and not only that but I am an active member too! I shall pray for you and that lady whoever she ma be and all those who suffer from mental illness.

from boardho :

It's tough living with mental illness. We all stuggle. I'm back on my meds.

from insanegerbil :

yeah.the thing about that is...alot of people are stupid.they hear an insult,they repeat it to everything.like a ho and a slut.2 names,with 2 totally different definitions,yet everybody thinks they are the same.i'll explain the difference to you,just for fucks sake:a ho will fuck a person she/he just met becuz they 'feel like it'.a slut will suck the dick of a person they just met becuz they want to show off their skill for giving head.or,if a slut can give good sex,she'll fuck a dude to show off those skills too.a slut is a sexual show off.a ho is a sexually liberated person.and a whore..a whore is just emotionally needy,and if they have to give sex to get a little bit of sumones time,they will.

from insanegerbil :

geeks are unpopular..nobody likes them.they arn't necessarily smart either.sumtimes they'll become smart thru aquired knowledge because of thier outcasting since they'll turn to thier education just to be accepted for sumthin(,like their intelligence).and yet,they STILL arn't liked.***a nerd,however,in simply shunned by the popular people because they are ugly or fat.if they became pretty or lost weight,they could easily be liked.so,nerds can have friends...but nobody wants to be friends with a geek-not even the nerds.also,nerds tend to have higher IQ's and are pushed academicly,so later they end up blooming in college and becoming this intelligent beautiful person who is no longer a nerd.nerds usually end up married.geeks are losers till they die.

from abhorgod :

dont take it personally my dear - was no attack on you.. when im sober im just aggravated and mean. im not a nihilist, im a really fucking failed buddhist. all of this emptiness and nothingness, i cant embrace a second for a second. i cant be happy with duality. because to me, its not just the rise of some quantum field yielding some intricate illusion - and i cant connect with the universe or any oneness. its all chaos and disorder. its empty, and i want to forget about it

from abhorgod :

something about brevity and shitty antecedants makes me want to fuck. im still drunk, work in 20 minutezsdsadfasfdgfsgrf.;, what the fucvkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

from dizzigemini :

a dancer friend of mine died also this past weekend. deaths come in 3's they say... it's been a negative week, so far, loads of bad energy everywhere.... *hugzz*

from abhorgod :

im an asshole. sorry =) baby - you need to do me a favor. could you delete that one note with my name/adddresss.. im afraid this gay stalker dude is gonna google search my name and find out where i live. i done like gay stalker dudes. i like my virgin asshole. they are nice - tell me about your trip to the motherland

from abhorgod :

i should have come to the hospital with you.

from abhorgod :

it is.

from somthin :

Indeed. Look at his face. Poor thing is all embarrassed. Heh.

from somthin :

Hang tight stop Think of bunnies stop Stick pins in doll for me stop go

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