messages to division-day:
(click here to add new message):

from sky-rocket :
RIP.
from boombasticat :
My computer won't let me comment on your new one, but wanted to say congrats on the writing gig. That's great news.
from writergrrl88 :
I would love to keep reading you at the new location -- [email protected] You've given me hope.
from softbomb :
[email protected]
from softbomb :
hi. it's 2008. I don't know who you are but I almost cold have once. I used to work as a waitress at rimsky's a while ago. you used to write about that place and thought it to be magic. it still is.
from mangotuesday :
hey b. where are you these days? xo
from empezar :
just wanted to let you know i've relocated from my old 'sls' diary. happy spring! -s
from boombasticat :
I do, indeed, read your new one, and as always enjoy your lust for, and eye for, life. I remember I had trouble getting in to read it a while back. It seemed like I had to do a bunch of things to read it, but I managed to put away my innate resistance to registering for stuff long enough to figure it out. I've got it as a bookmark now. And speaking of that, the idea of keeping "fastidious track" of the sunrises and sunsets so that you can drive your lightless car strikes me as really funny and also kind of a cool anachronism. I had a roommate once who piloted a tug boat, and he and my deer-hunting dad are the only ones I know who keep fastidious track like you did. I'll keep reading, for sure.
from boombasticat :
It's a fascinating horse race, isn't it? I did an issue-by-issue thing, too, and decided that Clinton and Obama are very close. To me, it comes down to: who do I want to be the voice of/for our country? I like his optimism. And I like Clinton, too. He's just a bit more after my own heart than she is, and isn't that what we're all after? Someone who, in some vague way, "gets" us? Sometimes I think that we want to vote for smarter, prettier, richer versions of ourselves. Of course, I'm not black or rich or all that articulate. Also, my theory doesn't explain the last eight years, either. Maybe my theory is dead wrong. Anyway, I know you've talked about an interest in journalism. You should read David Simon's take on the fate of The American Newspaper in the Washington Post today.
from mangotuesday :
sure. what/s your email?
from mangotuesday :
becky! good to see you the other day! did you love cat power/s little dance moves + setlist + bangs. le sigh. she is the most. love and southeast industrial hipster parades.
from raven72d :
I'd love to be added to the new blog...
from anita-horse :
Bobby [email protected]
from scandust :
The terrible syntax/grammar in the personal ad is what made me suspect Andrew, aside from the genericness of what he wrote. He was NOT kidding when he thought Sophocles was part of science fiction. He really is that clueless. Crap, I'm desperate, aren't I? Oh, and I think I'd just about quit Diaryland if I couldn't read your writing anymore. I mean, you're the only one I read! I understand the need for the move, though. May I be privy to your new coordinates? I am at [email protected]
from delighted :
[email protected]
from scandust :
Your local GNC or even your Whole Foods/natural foods tore should carry some. If not, you can purchase it online: http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2133471&cp&sr=1&origkw=phosphatidyl+serine&kw=phosphatidyl+serine&parentPage=search
from sky-rocket :
thank you for the words. some days are better than others. for some reason it's just so hard to stay ON as consistently as they need me to. I need more stay-at-my-desk time rather than running around to meetings. sometimes I don't feel pulled together. Let's get together soon... I'm my own woman again.
from scandust :
"scarily average"-- I love that! You're so right. Actually, the only thing worse than Braveheart is Robin Williams. Sigh. I knew he was too good to be true. Regarding my problem with the adviser-- crying sexual harassment is like yelling fire... I'm just not a 100% sure he's coming onto me, so I'm still waiting to be sure. Oh, and this is way overdue, but I've been meaning to tell you to try phosphatidyl serine for memory enhancement(from your entry a while back). I've been taking it since college and it's worked for me.
from sbellem :
Writing clears the brain and helps with the decision making process...keep it up!
from boombasticat :
The coffeeshop job sounds like it could be really good. I say go after it.
from sky-rocket :
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2007/08/07/afghan_heroin/
from scandust :
Thanks! Nothing pisses them off more than looking better than they do... because money can't buy discipline or get rid of cankles. Isn't it funny how the haughtiest ones are often the most overweight?
from scandust :
Ok, I feel a little better because you said you have the same problem...but I think guys don't really notice, or if they do, it doesn't bother them as it bothers us. At least you don't have a mole on yours, though! I have absolutely zero desire to have sex because I feel so hideous there. Maybe I should take a big dose of neurontin. Oh, and check this out: http://www.drmatlock.com/ I'm saving up for a trip to LA and a consultation, that's why I got the job at Kaplan. I've never been to LA, but my ugly vag will get me there.
from sky-rocket :
skyrocket/orange. i don't know why i keep changing my password. compulsion. i'd like to see you soon. you know, i'm going to volunteer this weekend with some horses; grooming them. 11 am saturday somewhere near estacada. sunday also is possible. are you interested?
from tornadobird :
i have the same problem. I may have it worse than you do and I still don't think I'm over it. when someone asked me, at age 6, what I wanted to be when I grew up I said "superman". when they explained that I couldn't be superman I didn't have a backup answer. now it's famous painter or bust. I agree that breaking out of this suffocating mindset is an amazing step and I'd like to take it too.. congrats
from old-story :
hey becky--i still don't know about my situation. i think they are still pre-cancerous, but i haven't gotten the results. as for the other cencer situation--andy's dad has the prostate variety.
from raven72d :
Call sometime. I miss your voice.
from pippisto :
Yeah, you know what sucks is that I'm pretty thin everywhere except I have this humongo gut that no amount of stomach crunches will eradicate. I curse my German heritage for this "hearty" build as my grandma calls it.
from scandust :
Oh Becky, such positive words coming from a non-likely optimist! You say I shouldn't be miserable because I go to Harvard, I say you shouldn't be miserable because you're very, very talented when you write. The quote 'We have met the enemy and he is us' comes to mind... Thanks for your note.
from tornadobird :
congratulations on making things work in portland.. I would have rolled out the red carpet for you in oakland, of course, but I'm glad to hear you're progressing
from sky-rocket :
Horowitz 4511 SE Hawthorne Blvd Portland, OR 97215 (503) 231-2994
from tornadobird :
sounds like a great day... I remember racing the cars..yay for yoga and meditation!
from sky-rocket :
i'm not allowed to play with you anymore.
from tornadobird :
you are not alone
from sky-rocket :
GO TO MY DOCTOR. he's pretty tough, but i think he should be. at least he's comfortable to be around. he prescribed me aripiprazole (abilify) to help with the anxiety stuff, a non-benzodiazepam. he's on hawthorne, and he charges $80/half hour, and he thinks talk therapy is pretty worthless.
from sbellem :
Once in a while that Becky sense of humor comes out. Not often, but it makes me giggle when it does!!!!!!!
from chiv :
Recently I went to Hawthorne (Melbourne) for the first time, and, when I came back, I met an alpaca named Nico, who was hanging around, being an alpaca outside the cake shop. It's late, now, and I've had a few drinks, so, needless to say, that particular paragraph in your update had me confused on several levels. "Wait, she's not supposed to be in Australia... wait! Alpacas *definitely* aren't supposed to talk!" I'm hoping it'll lead to good dreams when I pass out, momentarily. Anyway, good night.
from sky-rocket :
i can't believe we ran into you last night, a day after the confession. skyrocket / apple. be well... maybe i will call you today after work.
from sky-rocket :
pine <br>apple
from sky-rocket :
i've never much gotten anything out of parades and have yet to go to the one here. it's always rained (in the past three years) and seems like a huge pain in the ass. i hope you could use any of the stuff i left on your porch. i can't believe brian had no money to pay for you to eat. sounds fucking familiar. there is a way, but it takes choosing a different path.
from tornadobird :
hey I'm still in oakland if you need to get away from brian or just talk or anything. I don't have your number anymore but mine is 510 689 7458
from tcklyrpharsn :
Good luck, Becky. I know you've written about this before, but I'm going to ask it anyway: do you really think that you can live in Portland without heroin? I ask this without judgment, by the way. I'm always pulling for you. xxxx
from tornadobird :
hey, I have a new book if you're interested. I don't have your number or address or anything.
from f-i-n :
I like your description of the rain/not rain.
from raven72d :
raven72d/capybara for access.
from wateryone :
I am BACK. I couldn't write any more, but now think I can again. I went home to NZ in February and caught up with one of my most favourite people in the world, Eleanor. We went out for drinks, and she convinced other people to come by emailing them my 100 things. I promised her that I could come back to Sydney and write a second 100 things, so I am learning about myself again and working up to it. Are you still in Thailand or are you back in Portland (going to read your diary now). I went to California, and I took photos of tree lace. I thought of you a lot while we were there.
from sky-rocket :
i noticed it too, the seeming shift of the economy, more jobs seem to be out there. more people are looking, everyone's still moving here, and they're becoming younger. portland's big, it's just concentrated right now. it will spread out into periphery, like when the ember of a match catches the center of a page. little pierced people with expensive haircuts in colorful clothes from places like urban outfitters, where i no longer shop. i'm not ready for another job right now. how do you get to be so happy, anyway? i wish i could smile when i speak. it puts people at ease.
from softblossoms :
thank you for the tips! i'll only be there for a little bit, on my way to the coast, but i'll call if i can... it would be fun to get a little tour of the city you love. i'm excited to see it, partially just because of your lovely descriptions. btw, i live in montana now, near glacier national park!
from softblossoms :
what vegan restaurants do you recommend in portland? i'm going to be passing through in a couple of weeks and wanted to try one or two of the ones you've written about.
from raven72d :
Lovely memories of seeing bands... You should do that again.
from bombasine :
i think that now is a great time to start a collection of anchor hocking/fire king glassware! i have an inkling that it's going to go up and up and up in value, just like depression glass and cathrineholm enamelware. hazel atlas drinking glasses are probably also a good investment, right now. they remind me of grandma's house, or its platonic idea.
from tcklyrpharsn :
I got all misty, reading that. I'm a sap.
from tornadobird :
yr still invited to oakland if you need to get away
from raven72d :
I love the photo of you reading in the Burnside St. window.
from boombasticat :
Soaring. Thanks for putting down such beautiful words.
from sky-rocket :
he's got a key, though, and by now he's probably made copies. if i get him to leave by any sort of force or authority, he's likely to come back and...who knows?
from cloverst :
i love this entry about the abandoned buildings. and the photos are beautiful too. that is the one thing i miss about living in an old industrial city (kansas city), all the abandoned places to explore. and happy new year ( a little late)!
from boombasticat :
The stuff about spears and car parts and bones and creole is really nice.
from old-story :
i need to live by you. by you? by donna. it's so pretty.
from old-story :
what exactly is "tainted food"? i dare you to enter the home with a dripping bloody steak. i'm fairly certain that qualifies.
from katherinhand :
re: jane eyre: it KILLED me! i am embarrassed to say my english-majoring, semi-bookish self somehow got through life to this point without ever having read it/seen it before, but the masterpiece theatre version pierced me right through the heart! and isn't the actress who plays jane so oddly beautiful? oh god, when she was walking outside with rochester after they had sent blake off to the doctor! lovely and plaid with her hair being blown all around? YOU CAN'T MISS IT. if i had a private jet i would have it scoop you up and make you watch it with me. xo
from sky-rocket :
i know. get in touch when you arrive?
from boombasticat :
Thanks very much. I'm a fan of your writing.
from tornadobird :
I also live 3 blocks from macarthur bart, so thats 6 blocks at the most from the place liza is looking at...
from tcklyrpharsn :
Hey Becky, I'm not really writing right now...I'm on a little hiatus. But I'll let you know if I do. xxxx
from killingjar :
hey, you don't know me but i read you sometimes. hope that is not creepy. your stories are a trip girl. it makes me not want to go to thailand!
from raven72d :
The coat is lovely.
from raven72d :
Joyeux Noel, Becky! I hope Christmas goes well.
from tornadobird :
I've got my own place in oakland and a very comfortable couch..
from sky-rocket :
nicely written
from writergrrl88 :
I wish you much luck. I live half an our outside Chicago, and we have 30-to-40-degree weather (no snow) and it looks to stay that way for the weekend. Take care!!!
from boombasticat :
You've got good friends with good advice, I think. Good luck.
from sky-rocket :
super-cute picture. you look successful to me.
from iamawhore :
i agree--8 and 9 for me, too. i've even told some of them i'm doing this for a "social experiment" and that i'm chronicling it. i might buy a gold membership and post pics. i've also realized, i don't really want regulars, or at least, i want to be extremely selective. i do not want to fuck fat old roy more than once, you know?
from bombasine :
it's serendipity - i was just rereading, last night.
from bombasine :
ROS (an anguished cry): Consistency is all I ask! GUIL (low, wry rhetoric): Give us this day our daily mask. Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
from sls :
your observation about 'culture shock' as a gradual insidious thing was so spot-on. beautifully observed. i feel that way, too, being here in korea. it's been difficult for me to articulate, but you nailed it perfectly.
from tornadobird :
home misses you too. it told me.
from old-story :
ah, teaching. come home. do you miss the cold? minneapolis is freezing, i hear. i couldn't live without seasons.
from iamawhore :
i love their names--bong, nut, jib, and dang. from your classes.
from iamawhore :
read me if you get the chance. and comments. comment.
from f-i-n :
happy turkey day
from old-story :
yes, marriage is not such a bad thing. and i'm sure that you didn't make your best friends wear taffetta...that's really the largest qualm of all. the rest of it i'm okay with. ohh, other than the last name thing. that's odd too. it's not "clark" anymore, but "pietrzak." bizarre. yay for teaching?
from sls :
don't feel so bad about not remembering faces/names at work. i think it will come with time. when i first started teaching kids here in korea a few months ago, i thought i'd never ever manage to remember all of their names. i have about 200 students over the course of the week, and to be very politically incorrectly honest, all the korean children looked the same to me at first. there weren't easy differences like in a more diverse country (ie differing shades of hair or eyes or skin) well... miracle of all miracles (as i too am absurdly terrible with names/faces--so bad that when i first meet people, as they are telling me their name, i'm already zoning out...) after 3 months i now know 95 percent of my students' names. i marvel at this every single day. so keep the faith! best fellow-expat-teacher regards, siri
from rainhammers :
thank you again. you've been updating a lot, which is nice. hey, don't i owe you $10 or so? i could send it to you, if it would help.
from bombasine :
congrats on landing the job - and did i ever say thank you for your nice note?
from tornadobird :
I'm here if you need anything
from boombasticat :
Rooting for you.
from tcklyrpharsn :
argh. I'm not exactly sure why it is YOUR fault that the school won't hire you, or that other schools aren't hiring. Why should Brian be angry with you about something beyond your control? There's no point in writing this, really, because it doesn't work even when it's a close friend sitting right next to you, but jesus. Fear of Brian's wrath is the last thing you need.
from rainhammers :
i'm flattered. thank you.
from sbellem :
A year a go I wouldn't have said it was possible...you were so misreable! Happy to see you happy and clean and elated!
from tcklyrpharsn :
To six months! And many more after that. You're amazing and I salute you! xxxx
from tornadobird :
happy half birthday to becky's heroin free body and mind
from writergrrl88 :
A thousand congratulations on nearly 6 months ... VERY AWESOME!!! And an early happy birthday to Brian as well. *hugs*
from bi-pet :
becky! i think there might be something wrong with your guestbook. i tried to write an entry but it always forwarded me to an error page... just wanted to let you know...
from wateryone :
I am in a poetry group with a writer from Burma. He comes from an indigenous Burmese people and has had two layers of colonialism pressed upon him, this really shows up in his resentment of his colonial languages - Burmese and English. He doesn't believe in translating poetry, but doesn't write poetry in his first language.
from bombasine :
martial law? holy shit! what is going on?
from tornadobird :
crap I misspelled congratulations. can't believe I did that. must have been thinking of adulation. a good word but not what was called for at the time.
from tornadobird :
congradulations on sleeping.. I had a two/ three week period of not being able to stay asleep for more than an hour at a time.. it almost drove me crazy. I can't even imagine what 3 years would have been like. sleep is truly one of the great gifts of life. and sleeping when you are tired from a full day is even that much more satisfying. say hi to thailand for me, it sounds great.
from wateryone :
Ha Becky, I haven't been to diayland for ages except to write about my cat dying (I know, most banal diary entry ever, but I used to write about her all the time in my diary days). I loved flicking through the last few months of your diary. You quoted my favourite part of plainwater a while back, the introduction to life of towns - "my pear, your winter...". I love that Natalie named her daughter Ursula, it is one of my favourite names. And so much has happened to you, you got married, you are in another country, another continent. Do you know... on the 14th of September we will be the closest in the world to each other we have ever been, because you will be in Thailand and I will be in Singapore on my way to Europe. We can look up at the same equatorial stars.
from raven72d :
yay for permanent jobs!
from rainhammers :
"you'd think we were flying instead of just learning how to ride a motorbike." haha.
from amazinfuckup :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhism
from raven72d :
I so hope Bangkok goes well for you...
from rainhammers :
post pictures!
from chumped :
fantastic! i think your move calls for a brand-new diary.
from tornadobird :
I'm in Chicago right now.. got here the 8th.. looks like I missed you. plus I am not able to have many adventures due to the fact that I'm taking care of my sick grandmother. she lives, by the way, right near the museum of science and industry. I've walked many times along the beach where the concrete blocks end.
from writergrrl88 :
It's great to see that you're happy and doing much better. Yes, please share the rest of your crazy stories. And best of luck on all your travels. *hugs*
from cloverst :
congratulations, you look so lovely/happy/glowy!
from sbellem :
You both look beautiful and happy.
from writergrrl88 :
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from treepose :
dearest becky. i sent an email to your atribelostbyfindingit address - but it bounced back. it said. ribbon and gauze is pretty. and thanks for thinking of us for your wedding dress. it's just that our calendar is really packed for the next few months (store orders, trips to new york, fashion shows etc.) so we wouldn't have time to make it. we'll let you know if anything changes. have you thought about sewing it? love and happy.
from chumped :
oh, congratulations, becky.
from writergrrl88 :
Happy Birthday! (And congratulations on eight days.) All the best!!!
from rainhammers :
happy birthday. i think your plan sounds wonderful. just...be careful.
from tornadobird :
you're smoking outside. ha. well looks like the wind is picking up again. and lets hope san andreas keeps it's fingers underground and doesn't decide to tickle the rows of white plaster houses and black thoughts like piano keys.
from raven72d :
Enjoy SF and AZ!
from f-i-n :
I love those pictures...esp. the siamese kitty in the corner, looking wise.
from tornadobird :
my visit to portland will most likely be in june. which is a great month up there, if I remember right. I probably won't need to stay at your place... but might want to for a night or so, if that's alright. yes, it's in the distant future. but I can already see the portland streets in my delicious mind.
from raven72d :
I hope you feel better... I wish you had your phone...
from tornadobird :
did you find your phone? I guess maybe I'll try it...
from sbellem :
But are you happy? Happier?
from tornadobird :
sf says hi back... come visit whenever you like. I'm glad you and portland are getting along well.
from raven72d :
I love the photos of the cafe.
from immolation :
Unless Reed is traumatic for you, you should totally come to RAW events.
from raven72d :
Do well, girl. I so want you to do well.
from tornadobird :
becky.. I want to come to portland. things have been reminding me of you lately, and jeff (my donna) is moving up there. if I do, can I come see you?
from raven72d :
I'm sad you didn't come to New Orleans... But I hope Portland goes well for you.
from voluspa :
what happened to you? portland swept your right off your diaryland feet, eh?
from sbellem :
over here!
from immolation :
I didn't get your note until just today—sorry!—yes, she got the full interrogation deal. And though my mother said that when she arrived she (my sister) was smooth and calm and lying very coolly, she certainly seemed shaken afterward. My family has always subscribed to the "the shame and fear and embarrassment you endure is the worst punishment, especially for a child like you with an overdeveloped super-ego" theory, which at least in this case, certainly seemed appropriate. I've known a lot of girls—especially in various modes of eating-disorder treatment—who had serious shoplifting habits, and though perhaps I am biased by my inclination toward the psych model, I think my sister is closer to that—shoplifting as manifestation of neurosis—than to the mindset of the hardened criminal, you know>
from voluspa :
I rode the train from Portland to Minneapolis and back... It was a looooong, loooong trip, LONG trip. Perhaps I will meet you when you get here... Happy travels :)
from writergrrl88 :
I wish you luck, safe travels, and clean days/nights. *hugs*
from raven72d :
I hope to hear from you when you're here.
from raven72d :
Call me if you get to where I am.
from wateryone :
Hey Becky. That sounded like a really good conversation you had with your mum. I always wish I could have conversations like that with my parents, and it never happens. I am too skittish. I love you, I hope you make it back to Portland soon, I want you to have 'wonder'.
from raven72d :
Best of everything in 2006, Becky!
from old-story :
becky, if you want, you could crash at my place if you'd like to get away from your familky. i'm living by myself for a few weeks, so it might be fun? i think you said you are gonn abe near wheaton? i live in lyons right now, so it's not too far from you, and easy to get to. let me know if you want to visit! 708 606 9625
from writergrrl88 :
I'm so proud of you for what you're doing. Best of luck in New Orleans. More people should be as dedicated as you. You rock!
from rubycoquette :
Acctually I was thinking about going to MN for spring break. My good friend Mary lives there, and her mom wants me to stay with them, plus my cousin lives there, so i'm sure ill be hittin' it up.
from raven72d :
Merry Christmas, Becky. I hope things are going well. And thank you muchly for the card...
from rubycoquette :
Hey are you going to be in Chicago for New Years? Cause I will be.
from raven72d :
Thanks for the card, Becky... If you're in NOLA, we will meet.
from raven72d :
Call and say hi if you're in the New Orleans area.
from old-story :
becky-i would love to. i don't have any vicodin left (ha)...which is good for both of us. kind of. but at the same time it'd be fun to get our coffee high cigarette storm on together. name the place and time and you got me. i'm free until school starts which seems like forever but i'll forgot about it.
from writergrrl88 :
be careful with the klonopin ... taking too much can bring back the "taste" for certain other substances because the feeling is similiar. (I'm not trying to scare you, just give you a heads-up.)
from cloverst :
hi. i used to read your diary at red-river way back when, before my laptop crashed. you reminded me of living for experience, something i lost somehow over health & drug problems. anyway, i liked your entry on the Tao Te Ching. i love it because nothing is concrete. the Jonathan Star translation is my favorite so far because it has a literal (character) translation in the back. love, lux
from sls :
i just want to tell you that your diary really inspires me. and thanks to your suggestion, 'the four agreements' is totally blowing my mind. :)
from rubycoquette :
Good luck in MN. I love the snow queen skirt. I hope you will see the streets of PDX again someday.
from immolation :
God, I love Free People. It is finals week, so I am sensibly spending all of my time on eBay trying to find a perfect Free People skirt to purchase for my beautiful sibling for the holidays. This is vicarious, given that Free People does not make my size.
from look4words :
Becky, I just recently discovered your diary and I am mesmerized by all of your experiences. Your writing is so descriptive and expressive I feel like I am actually right there with you on your adventures. Clearly, you are a highly intelligent person and how you continue to be optimistic about nature and various things is so amazing to me given your difficult situation. I applaud your efforts for documenting your day-to-day life--it could be a best-seller along with your AMAZING photography, Becky. You have enough documented now that it could be ready for publication. I couldn't stop myself from returning to each new entry even though I have to sit at my computer to read it. As I've read about your interest in studying anthropology I am struck by the anthropological culture you are helping me understand about "the drug addicted underworld" and all of it's various dynamics. I am endlessly fascinated by your life story. I am the opposite of you where I am too afraid to take many risks other than the basics in life getting married or choosing which college to go to...blah, blah, boring-city. Anyway, I'm thrilled to put on your life's hat and travel along with you in the underworld, as you've referred to it, in a vicarious sort of way. I am fascinated by what I am learning from you. It's like that Disney song from Pocahontas, "You think the only people who are people are the people who look and think like you, but if you walked the footsteps of a stranger you'd learn things you never knew you never knew." Thank you for taking the time to share your journal entries and your amazing digital pictures documenting your life experiences. Your various artistic talents leave me addicted to your work--it's like a dope opera rather than a soap opera. Ha! Pardon that incredibly bad pun. Anyway, you truly are amazing in many ways. I will keep you in my thoughts as you continue on the heroin pain train; destination unknown. Warmly, Janelle :o)
from fatcatluv :
My name is Melissa I am born and raised Portland. I started reading your diary in 2000 when you were bicycle love. We have a mutual acquaintence from your early days in the rose city. The first and only time I contacted you was last year to recommend a Portland guide by Chuck Pahluniak. You're diary helped me through similar addiction, college, and heartbreak. My address is 12070 SW Fischer Rd, Tigard, OR 97224. Your present is wrapped and on it's way. I hope to hear from you soon, my # is 503-313-0306. Take care PS I love and cats and Powells!
from rubycoquette :
I'm coming back from a long retreat sunday, how has Portland been?
from wateryone :
You wonderful girl. Working in bookstores and libraries is like an intellectually cocoon. I love it. Your clothes do get beat up and you sweat and all that. But so many interesting things fall through your hands, and everytime I see a book I know on the shelf it is like waving to an old friend ... is that corny? Good luck, I hope you keep enjoying it.
from raven72d :
I worked in a bookstore all through grad school and loved it.
from vocalfern :
i love neutral milk hotel. hang in there, honey. love, bee
from scandust :
Hey Becky. Thanks for your note. You don't know me, but I came across your diary through some random profiles a while ago, and I've been engrossed ever since.// Regarding suicide-- I once knew a kid in middle school who ended up severely disabled and retarded(we're talking diapers and bibs here) after a jump atop a three-story motel had gone awry. Only the efficient or the truly thorough can pull a good suicide off. -Keri
from cactus-blood :
umm... WRITE SUCH AMAZING JOUNRAL ENTRIES!!! woman! <3 <3
from raven72d :
I hope you're okay... And that life goes better.
from cactus-blood :
i don't know how you do it.
from raven72d :
If you feel alone, you can still use my phone number.
from cactus-blood :
your writing is so beautiful, i hope you don't lose yourself over the next few months because the world would truly be losing you.
from vocalfern :
stumbling towards bethlehem is my favorite didion book!
from cactus-blood :
hmm, thank you for the comment, i love your diary layout in all it's simplicity.... i think i'll start READING YOU.
from tornadobird :
when no one is around, love will always love you
from softblossoms :
mysterious! well, i'm with you on the cloudy day thoughts. i much prefer the warm blanket of clouds. having too many possibilities (too much sunlight) has always paralyzed me.
from boombasticat :
I'd never thought of it this way: "In the sun there is no forgetting. It's like looking through a microscope and seeing your own soul squirming on a pin." Such an image.
from tornadobird :
becky you're still welcome here in the east bay. you should let me know if you have a phone or something... I'm 510 689 7458
from raven72d :
Lovely legs there at the beach.
from nijmarye :
I really hope you're doing all right. -Mary
from division-day :
email me for password: cityofroses (at) gmail (dot) com
from poff2 :
Ditto on the password?
from waterwings :
are you giving out passwords?
from raven72d :
Why locked?
from bi-pet :
hey becky! this is vesselland - i got a new diary and i thought i just tell you...
from music4sure :
im from portland also.. i love it. i wouldn't live anywhere else.
from decemberguy :
Your life seems pretty kickass as of late. Congrats.
from thatmarygirl :
i've been out and about for months, just caught up with you - you know, you should totally hit up savannah for a bachelorette party thing. 706-294-9413
from raven72d :
You sound happy...which makes me glad.
from tornadobird :
hey.. your phone is disconnected. but you probably already know that. well,,, from your entry it looks like maybe you're not going back to portland?? if you are I'd still like to go along. anyway, your trip sounds indescribably amazing and I'm happy for you mixed with some jealousy at your freedom.. me with rent and job and all.. but anyway, let me know if you are coming north at all. and I might even make a trip down there to say hello and perhaps acquire some ketamina if possible.
from raven72d :
I hope my letter arrived...and that Mexico can be a lovely Corona commercial for you, Becky. Best always--!
from raven72d :
i hope it all goes well... all the best, becky...
from chumped :
oh thank god you found your way to little california paradise. love--
from softblossoms :
becky you have all my good wishes, and mpls sends a spring kiss.
from tornadobird :
see you soon maybe? I've been wanting to visit arcata. and you are still welcome at my house in oakland.
from tcklyrpharsn :
so much love i am sending to you.
from sarabellem :
Spring is a good time for healing. Have hope.
from killingjar :
maybe some people are able to learn more from fewer experiences but others need lots of experiences to get the same knowledge. i think i read it some psychology article like learning isn't about what we've experienced but how good we are at cognitively processing some shit..
from immolation :
Parallax. (I thought.) It features heavily in Ulysses. It's sort of Bloom's thing, and it also sort of describes the form of the whole book...I thought "parallax" + things being over people's heads + Joyce as a favorite author = Ulysses. Now I have to revise the theory to something about how the best part of having read Ulysses is reading Ulysses into everything, even where it is not. P.S. I don't think I'm locked right now—? P.P.S. Relevant: Not so long ago (two or three entries back?) I had "parallax" as part of a title.
from immolation :
The best thing about having read Ulysses is catching Ulysses references.
from raven72d :
It's a lovely photo from Redding.
from fatcatluv :
I wish there was a way that you could send the smell of the coast through diaryland. Enjoy every inch of your new boy! Luv, a fellow rose city girl and avid reader.
from wateryone :
I love your green alice band. Your new boy looks like someone I loved once, maybe, in a hazy kind of high school way. BTW, you are my musical sign post these days, now that I have portable music I keep going and seeking out things that you have talked about.
from softblossoms :
becky it's springtime in mpls = the best. wishing you the best as well. ocean and trees. tea and lace. hearts, m.
from whatlight :
give us an entry when you get back from the coast, please. we want to know how it went. love, lara
from rainhammers :
i hope you write again soon. xoxoxo
from vesselland :
i hope you are all well. all the best...
from tcklyrpharsn :
yay for still alive. and double yay for still trying. no judgment here, only reading and rooting for you. enjoy the beach.
from raven72d :
Look out at the ocean, lovely one, and do get free of the heroin.
from raven72d :
The Volvo sounds cute...
from raven72d :
I'm glad you're back...
from anita-horse :
Folks, there are still no new entries in the diary since Jan 30. Time to search the Minneapolis obits.
from waterwings :
does anyone know what happened to becky?
from thatmarygirl :
where the hell are you, kidface?
from rainhammers :
oh. i hope you are doing ok. if you will send your password to me, you can at [email protected]
from nijmarye :
I hope you're okay, too. I signed petitions at the grocery store the other day, in your honor. If you're comfortable sharing your new password, I'm [email protected] Take care.
from delighted :
I hope you are ok.
from vesselland :
i would like to send you some good vibes as well. hope you are fine and you will be updating again. if you feel comfortable sending me the password my e-mail is [email protected] all the best and i hope you will receive a small surprise at some stage soon...
from softblossoms :
i also hope you are well. ran into your friend joanie the other day, she's so sweet. we rememberd each other from that time u and i met at hard times. anyhow it seems ominous that you are locked and not updating so i send some good energy your way. can you feel it?
from chiv :
More of the below, here. I am working under the assumption that if you had been hit by a bus, you wouldn't have bothered to lock yr diary, and thus may still come back to help fill empty lives such as ours... [big hopeful eyes go here] If you do continue under lock and key, [email protected] would appreciate a pass; and if not, well, good luck, toodle pip, and all that stuff. Message finally ends.
from anita-horse :
I hope you are OK. No new entries since 1/30.
from threeletters :
You could ship a password over to [email protected] if you felt like it. Thanks. -jess
from sarabellem :
Have been a faithful reader and hope you are doing well since you are back home. If you are comfortable with it please send me a password at [email protected] If not, I hope you are doing well and keeping sane! Love, Sarabellem
from whatlight :
password please? [email protected]
from waterwings :
locked up again?
from thatmarygirl :
you should come visit me.
from shiva-spyrit :
portland is like a magnet, it attracts and repulses in relation to whatever charge we're carrying... you are full of energy, just use it, whether on, off or in heroin you're no victim.. way to smart and tough for that...go to school and therapy, don't worry about the monkey, failure means at least you did something... kicking heroin makes you a heroine soooo glad you're on the planet...
from tcklyrpharsn :
Dude, I don't know if you should go back to school or not; that's really a decision only you can make, because you're the only one who knows if you'll feel like a failure or not if you take more time off. It doesn't matter if any of us say "You're not a failure, Becky, you're not a failure, Becky," because you'll go ahead and think you are. Until you don't. But here's my two cents: go to therapy. Just go. Don't pretend like you don't have enough time while you're in school. You do. xxxx.
from wateryone :
Hi Becky, I forgot to ask you which University in Sydney your cousin is studying at. I was even working at the UNSW medical library a while back, if she goes there, we could have been in the same room. Freaky. I want to join your friends knitting circle, I am jealous of people who knit together, especially when they have to enter through a window. Christmas was good, you got great, moving books on addiction, I got the collected works of Wallace Stevens. Yay.
from raven72d :
let me know if my cards arrived in portland...
from bluephonic :
(I just spent a crappy few weeks with my relatives in australia; it's nice to come back and see your blog again.) Happy new year; good luck.
from raven72d :
Patrick Stewart played Lenin in "Fall of Eagles", a great old BBC production.
from la-sad-eyez :
you;re in portland?
from raven72d :
Do well in the Year Five, Becky...
from vocalfern :
hey there
from raven72d :
I'm glad you feel happy and safe in Chicago now...
from tornadobird :
I did the solstice ritual with the chinese ritual a few years back. I held on to the paper so long I burned my hand. in spite of (or perhaps because of) this, it seems to be working.. if slowly..
from raven72d :
Merry Christmas, Becky. I hope you stay clean...and that things work out with Reed... Good luck on everything at school and for the Year Five.
from raven72d :
You do have an Xmas card on the way, Becky...
from wateryone :
I know you were making fun of the gentrified knitters/trout, but I wish I lived above a knitting store, that would be so cool.
from raven72d :
Good luck on all the papers, Becky. You know that you have all my best wishes for you in the Year Five...
from wateryone :
We undertsand the christmas=winter thing because we have been exposed to so much norther media, but still - July is always such a cold feeling word to me. January and February always make me think of tanned limbs and freckles and swimming in rivers. Isn't that strange? I was always confused by T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland, where he says 'April is the cruelest month, mixing memory with desire', because I could never work out what season that was supposed to equate to. We should come up with new names for the months. The ledge where that photo of me was taken is amazing. It's at a place called King's Tableland and just sticks right out, but the awesome thing is that it was carved by water (I think), it always reminds me of Anne Carson's rock with water in it. That part of Australia looks so much like I imagine a terraformed Mars would... it's so alien to me.
from softbomb :
what happend? what of the meeting? we should still do it. bring your camera to document. -azsa
from wateryone :
They sound like great papers. My university never had such interesting Anth topics, which is why I did Geography. Liminal is one of my favourite words, so I loved the bit in the deviant behaviour description about "symbolic rituals surrounding "liminal" behavior,". University immitates life, eh?
from wateryone :
I've been singing that Beatles Song walking home for days/weeks, I have a great version by Ben Folds that is really good, but really I just love it for those exact lines, the homeward bit to carry that weight, but of course, in my alternative no-heroin universe it didn't make me think of heroin, I can see what you mean though. People say John Lennon wrote 'Got To Get You Back Into My Life' about pot, but other than that, I don't know.
from circusfreak :
becky, i've found the same thing with alcohol. i can't say that it's a great thing. but it's what i have a desire for most of the time now. that and cigarettes. that's just what happens. replaces our vices with other ones. i have been doing it forever. but i find that painkillers are the best. it's just that alcohol. it makes me able to go without THINGS for a while longer. i can't explain it right now because i am drinking, but i'll try harder tomorrow.
from tcklyrpharsn :
i love and have always loved this poem. it makes me hurt.
from raven72d :
I wonder if you've read Joyce Carol Oates' "Them"...
from wateryone :
Those murals are amazing. They should at least make postcards of them (I know some people think postcards are corny, but I think weird art and counter-culture postcards are great, I like to see the secret parts of a city, not the things everyone knows about). Isn't it funny how you can just discover something and then it appears everywhere, like either everyone knew and they were keeping it from you, or like you all discovered it at the same time? I love that.
from tcklyrpharsn :
concentrate. hold on. think.
from spazzercize :
weird, I was clicking the situationist diaries last night and read an entry of yours and was like "hm, you should probably add this girl." it's fuckin' uncanny. so let's see. I think I first got into the situationists in high school-- just browsing the internet exploring anarchist and leftist philosophy shit and then there it was. I think it put a lot of my problems into a wider perspective. I was totally pissed off at everything but sometimes found it hard to articulate-- still do, sure I always will but I try to fight against such nausea-- anyhow situationism seemed to correlate to my own twisted search for truth and honesty and have a wicked dark fucking sense of humor to it as well. if situationism was a person I'd be in love. I still am a little, I think. --amy (not enough alcohol to be able to think of a clever alias, though I plan on using cute ones for everyone in my diary soon as I think of some.)
from raven72d :
Stay alive and thinking, Becky.
from raven72d :
Don't forget about me... Call soon.
from softbomb :
how do i get in touch with you? my phone number is... 503.232.1281 azsa
from tcklyrpharsn :
Wow. Those emails are wonderful, beautiful, intense. Read them over and over.
from wateryone :
I was reading that part of Plainwater yesterday! It was my new favourite bit, better than aubergine!
from raven72d :
Addictions and nostalgia... That entry was stunning.
from wateryone :
I've been meaning to pick a favourite for ages, that one captured so many tragic/beautiful moments in a day perfectly. I just sent you a huge email explaining why.
from raven72d :
Happy Halloween, lovely Becca. I hope things are well tonight.
from tcklyrpharsn :
I love what you said about love. Addictions ARE the same... some of them socially acceptable, some of them not. But, as you say, some of them you can buy your way into and some of them you can't. There's something to be said for an addiction you can't always have, just cause you've got some money in your hand. There's something to be said for feeding an addiction that may or may not be addicted to you back.
from wateryone :
nostalgia. That's the word I've been fishing around for for days. Thank you.
from wateryone :
I may have an incredibly rose coloured view of the world, but I don't think you failed. I think you did better than you ever have previously. I wish I could find you a empty place in NZ to go escape to. Life is lovely and not lovely for us at the moment. I keep taking on too many jobs and then having to juggle them, which is stressing me out. Time never feels like it is on my side these days. I would just love a couple of weeks to walk around and get dusty dirty feet and meet cats. I will take my camera with me one day (when it's not raining) and take photos of aussie streets. They are normally lined with eucalytpus trees, unfortunately I can't take a photo of the resin-y smell. You DO inspire me to write about the splendid magic things I find in banal situations. I know you see them too. One of the hardest things for me last year was reading about how when you came back to Portland, it didn't feel the same, and heroin seemed like a way to find that magic again. I know you're always looking for those perfect moments in everyday life, and you helped me to see them too, I just wish finding them wasn't so hard for you lately. It's another one of those happy/sad tagic/beautiful things, I guess. I feel like that about my West Coast as well, I just want to be able to go back to how it was. The clarity in each moment. You know how perfect a head of grass can look in a field in the evening, I know you do!
from tcklyrpharsn :
What about going into a treatment facility? Is that totally unavailable to you? *hugs you*
from raven72d :
I just might call to offer you support.
from tcklyrpharsn :
I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you.
from wateryone :
Hey Lassie, good luck with everything, I like the idea of calling you to distract you, but have no idea how much it would cost and you would probably have trouble understanding my accent. I know nothing about withdrawal, but I know a lot about staring at piles of books that I should have read and feeling like I really fucked up. I miss reading you everyday, you always inspired me to try and write interesting things and find interesting places in the middle of everday life. I love the idea of 'tragic beauty' too, why is it so hard to get the moment perfectly right, where it is beautiful without breaking your heart or causing you too much damage? I'm glad you have the cats right now, and wish you clear days with kittens and newspapers where you want to read every page and knitting needles and ideas and sunlight and no guilt! Love Jenn.
from bluephonic :
Heh; I wasn't sure if you got that (my mail wasn't getting delivered for awhile, so I wouldn't have known if I'd gotten the address wrong). (Haven't read any focault myself; so much stuff to read and I'm busy taking comptuer programming.)
from bluephonic :
If it's consolation/encouragement, your writing is a lot better when you're not on herion. It's good when you are too, but when you're not it feels like life -- connoted depth and complexity. Nonsequitor: I think I know what you mean about the Tragic Beauty feeling in withdrawal. Whenever I go off antidepressants I find myself doing stuff like crying in the car about how Seasame Street in Israel doesn't show jewish and muslim children playing together anymore because it strained credibility so much. Anyway, best of luck.
from raschel :
Welcome to the Ocean-Diaryring. Thanks for joining!
from thatmarygirl :
i'm going to send you something pretty.
from raven72d :
You have a long letter on its way.
from raven72d :
I do hope that winter weather won't drive you back into using... You have all my best wishes for everything, Becca.
from raven72d :
Your personality has always been there in what you write.
from tornadobird :
becky... your last two entries were very moving. it's dark at my friend wills house now, which is in a warehouse bisected by the berkeley oakland border. the sense of place, of the power that certain places have, is an amazing thing. your description of dream brought up deep memories. going through archways of foliage as a child, thinking I would come out in narnia. a gateway of shrubbery in santa cruz I once used as a portal into my new life. there is an arched, vine-overgrown garden gate on 39th just above reed... once my friend jesse and I stumbled drunkenly at dawn during renn fayre, using this archway as a sextant, through the beautifully gardened yard of an elderly couple who lived bordering the campus... we took a wrong turn and climbed a wrong fence... my knowledge of botany redeemed us from the deserved anger of these dignigified people and we walked through their garden with them, identifying plants and discussing their uses. these and other memories were called up by your re-visitation of dream.. thank you
from raven72d :
The letters cache is just an incredible find.
from raven72d :
Poor little Alameda! I hope she's okay... And the class schedule sounds fun-- as does the history class.
from raven72d :
The little passage about the Go players utterly thrilled me. Congrats on returning to Reed! And I always did (and still do) want to play Go with you...
from tcklyrpharsn :
Well, congrats on getting into Reed, even if you do feel wonky about it. It IS hard feeling so separated from everyone else. Really, though, by the time fourth year rolls around, most of the decent people are pretty mature anyway, and you'll find some intelligent discussion really can be had in a fourth-year seminar. At least, that was always my experience. Good Luck!
from immolation :
Have your parents fax you the letter from their local Place With A Fax Machine. Sign it. Drop it off at Reed. (I always, always, always forget about faxing when I need to get things done quickly.)
from raven72d :
I've been a card-carrying ACLU member since ever I started law school, despite the fact that I won't be voting for Kerry...
from tornadobird :
I get a feeling everytime I see you, even when it's just your picture online
from raven72d :
Such lovely photos... And I liked your thoughts on identity...
from tcklyrpharsn :
"i'm in some massive tunnel and maybe in a long time i'll see the light at the end. but i can't walk backwards, that's just not allowed. the light i can see when i look behind me is not a light at all." beautiful. and too true.
from raven72d :
Call me soon. We should talk.
from raven72d :
I'd love to sit in the coffee room at Powell's with you.
from tcklyrpharsn :
sending good thoughts your way...hope that you figure out what's wrong.
from i-cleave :
Becky, hi. I'm moving again-- I sent you an email with the new URL. I hope you'll still keep reading. Best, Z
from raven72d :
I have missed you.
from lostwithzeal :
I am happy to hear that the treatment is working. I hate reading bad news here.
from tcklyrpharsn :
so pretty you are... and glad to hear the pill is working for you...like raven said, keep with it! yay you!
from raven72d :
Stay with the pills. Keep your receptors dead to heroin until it no longer means anything.
from raven72d :
I hope the detox program works for you...and that you can purge heroin from your life. All my best wishes for you, lovely one. And the photos-- lovely kitty, lovely apartment.
from tcklyrpharsn :
well, solidarity from the east! good luck with the new program. i hate that methadone clinics turn a profit; it really seems wrong to me somehow. anyway, good luck with the schedule 3 stuff.
from raven72d :
I'd be there to offer moral support if I lived anywhere near Portland.
from raven72d :
The kittens sound lovely... And a closed door-- having a door to close --is wonderful.
from thatmarygirl :
oh, becky.
from rubycoquette :
Hey how's the change going to a portland scenery? If you're not busy wanna hang out sometime next week? Have a fun time with explosions this sunday
from raven72d :
I hope the new apartment is key to a new life for you, Becky.
from immolation :
I have a chair. It's big and blue and very comfortable. If you want it, you'll have to pick it up at my old house. Email me for the address: mollie_in_berlin at hotmail dot com.
from chiv :
I like reading your stuff. And I'm jealous of your new place, I think. That's about all. Toodles.
from tcklyrpharsn :
ugh... sorry to hear about the arrest experience. but hey, nice digs! very cute and i love the pedestal sink.
from raven72d :
Congrats on the apartment... And don't let them get away with the arrest nonsense.
from rubycoquette :
Yeah, totally. I've been meaning to contact you, and odly enough have had this strong urge to go to the Powell's coffee shop. These few weeks have just been totally busy, what with adjusting to the summer sun, and next week I'll be gone (figures), but after that totally. I know of a vegan barbeque that is coming up if you wanted to visit that, if not hanging out is totally rad.
from raven72d :
But beyond all that-- there are moments of tranquility and kindness, too.
from raven72d :
Lovely photos, Becky!
from tcklyrpharsn :
i hope you start feeling shittier! just kidding! (it's opposite day!)
from raven72d :
I was never very good at the apartment hunt thing... So I hope you find someplace cool and functional and not killingly expensive...
from fatcatluv :
cheer up, you're back in the city that loves you as much as you love it. I'm from Portland too and thought you might be interested in a book by Chuck Paluhniuk (Fight Club) it's called Fugitives and Refugees:A Walk in Portland, Oregon. It's about all the cool stuff about Portland that no one from the outside knows about like the feral cat races at PGE Park and the Shanghai Tunnels. It might give you something to look forward to. Take care, close your eyes and smile:-)
from threeletters :
(I just wanted you to know that i believe in you.)
from raven72d :
I wish you and I could go for coffee... And I hope the SSRI thing works. The light rail is something I'd love to see... I've always had a thing fo urban transit... Meanwhile-- you know you have all my support and best wishes, Rebecca...
from tornadobird :
funny you mention liking pumpkin pie... or you did when you were 11.. do you still? I just made a sweet potato pie and it was like a pumpkin pie only better! very exciting. the weeklong party is over and a daylong cleaning has followed. oakland on monday. best wishes as you are probably on your way to portland right now....
from bluephonic :
Best of luck. (Also, Harriet the Spy is the shiznit.)
from raven72d :
Please do call me from Portland. Let me know you're okay.
from raven72d :
The Becky 1991 diary was wonderful... You were a bright and fun child...
from wateryone :
Oh! The Westing Game is one of my most favourite books ever. I got my hair cut yesterday, and ever since I have been turning my head dramatically so that I can hear it swish, just like Turtle after the bomb incident. I have several Ellen Raskin books on my comfort shelf, but I didn't think anyone else read her when they were kids.
from raven72d :
Portland seems to be shaping up... I do want you to go back to Reed and finish there and do well... Do call. I miss your voice.
from wateryone :
Yours was my inspiration! The beautiful blue one you had the photo of you wearing back in your first diary. I think the thing that made the navy one I made so nice was the New Zealand merino. It's just so luxurious. Do you want me to make you something and send it to you? I'm really into hats with earflaps and ribbed wrist-warmer arm thingees at the moment.
from raven72d :
I hope Portland gives you a chance to feel at home-- and a chance to go back to school, to find a life without melodrama...
from tornadobird :
looking forward to your return to the west coast... if you were coming a little sooner I'd invite you to the weeklong party I am throwing to celebrate my moving out of chico.. but then I'll see you in oakland..
from raven72d :
I hope the flight goes well... And I like Baudrillard, too.
from raven72d :
A new diary, lovely one... I like the layout look. And you must call me soon...
from tornadobird :
"my dreams tend to run in miniature: this tiny room, this coffeeshop i remember, this square of rainy concrete, a tree, a window, the friendly face of someone i have yet to meet. little easy-to-accomplish goals to make me feel whole, simple images to cover up the tangle of misery i'm trying to crush, a garden, a jar of water on a windy green hill, a door opening, small spaces washed clean." === in response, a chaaeeezy invitation to oakland he ate gardens and tears fell on the dusty smell of his waterbottles hilltop usefulness. a tangle was undone by maybe even cigarettes or the noise of drinks being made, with the rock in the foreground. easy to accomplish the goal of rocking. simple and moderate. requiring only extremity. I will offer and suffer this, the treatment of trust with enthusiasm and cooking. many dreams tend to run in membrane: the very dreamers watermelon glow, pink eyeflaps, green eye shadow (perhaps not) but nevertheless a quite compelling image of the female. her happiness roughly but not quite equal in importance to survival of entire known universe, or wait perhaps more. having said this must add that nothing can be known. but still I have green hills and a very useful waterbottle, in fact our hydration would rival that of the gods. and I woul love to make you feel less alone in graveyards.
from wateryone :
I like the new layout. Here's to clean spaces. Love Jenn.
from tcklyrpharsn :
love, whether it be from someone you love back or whether it be from a stranger, is always a reason not to do it. the only question is whether or not it's THE reason. and welcome to your new diary.

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