messages to dragprincess:
(click here to add new message):

from postalpriss :
for some reason, I just discovered "notes"...and saw I had one from you. Thank you for the encouraging words. Don't know which "door" I stepped through since I seem to be going in and out of doors alot these days but thanks. The sobriety door is still closed. The "wallowing in self pity" door is closing. I deleted all my "poor me" entries and I'm moving on. Stay tuned. I expect good things :)
from raven72d :
still there?
from phatgrrl :
user= reader pass=readsme
from xnavygrrl :
Where are you? I have missed you!
from illusionless :
No problem anytime.
from illusionless :
hmmm that is strange. username: emily password: xzero it should work... let me know if it still doesn't and I'll change the password ok?
from raven72d :
I know she had siblings--- a sister in her teens who stayed with her, a younger brother who'd been under psychiatric care for attempted suicide.
from raven72d :
She's not Christian Lane Alexander?
from raven72d :
We do need to keep being Nancy Drew... I'll keep sending things to her old e-mail address...
from dvlsh1 :
Hi sweety just wanted to let you know Im blogging over at wordpress its under dvlsh1. =) have a great night. maria
from oldmaid :
hi, i just today got your guestbook entry - it is awesome of you to offer to get some info on this new girl! i think that might be a bad path for me to go down, mentally, though, so i'm going to try and let it go for now. but thank you for offering!
from raven72d :
The last I knew, she'd come back from South Africa to Austin and was headed back to India. I'd worried that she'd been hospitalised again or that there had been another family tragedy (she'd written about her younger brother's suicide attempts). I do miss her. If you find her via MySpace or Facebook, do let m know. I'd like to think that she was in good health and spirits...and encourage her to write again.
from phatgrrl :
reader reads
from raven72d :
Alas, no. Though her band--- Ice Cream Creatures ---seems still to be around. And her e-mail acct. is still live. But I do miss her. She was talented and fun and lovely. I just hope she's okay. And...Barthelme? How did you get to be a Barthelme fan?
from postalpriss :
Gawd girl, thanks for the note. It's worse than painful shit...and I made it through another night. Loving two people f'ing sucks. Will I ever come to a confident conclusion about where I want to be???? Email me at [email protected] if you have any more sage advice. Hugs
from luckeme :
just wondering what the hell happened to you and how things are going. xox.
from phatgrrl :
Im seriously thinking about changing my people places and things. Im thankful for your kindness. You've shown me a few times how you care about someone you've never met. We'll have to talk on the phone sometime, there are things I could learn from you.
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. From your pic she looks liike a very caring woman full of love and spirit. Please take time for yourself. It's ok to cry and reminisce and go through the emotions. It's a normal part of grieving. The sooner you let it go the sooner you should feel ready to move on when the time is right. Burying yourself in work is not healthy and is only avoiding the issue. This is only advice so don't feel like you have to listen to my babble. I'm sure you know what's right for you and how you grieve. Take care and be kind to yourself ok? :)
from hissings :
I read about Bowie-- he looks like he was such a sweetie. I'm really sorry his time came. I have a cat named after a rock star, too-- George after George Harrison. He's crazy! But everybody loves him. I'm sure Bowie's in Kitty Heaven!
from jocelynjunk :
login: bologna - password: sandwich
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note =) it really helped make me feel better.
from dvlsh1 :
lol your note feature dislikes me.. doesn't let me click done then when I do it says i left it twice.. lol.. I forgot to tell you that your flowers are beautiful.
from dvlsh1 :
not sure why i cant comment you in your blog. happy early bday wishes!! the marriage thing will come when its the right time.. Im not sure why everyone is in a hurry.. it has taken me 6 yrs of dating phillip to be ok with the idea of marrying him. now I am all for it =) good luck with your testing tommow.. hugs love n kisses.. n bday wishes.
from miedema2002 :
Wow I wish I had someone as a mentor to me. I never knew that people found "gay parents" to guide them. That's pretty cool.
from sassers :
That is sofa king lame. Tramp away I say.
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note. I feel the same way.. why I can't help thinking what a mess she is, I want to reach out to her and help her.. it's too bad that no one in her inner circle will do the same. Right now Im just praying that Brit gets some help.
from writergrrl88 :
May 2008 (and the thinner, happier you evolving this year) bring you happiness, love, and joy. *hugs* P.S. -- While I firmly believe that those who seek weight-loss surgery for health (or any other reasonable reason) should have ample access and support, I hope you realize that you're beautiful now.
from bindyree :
Just a quick note to say thank you for the heads-up, and let you know what a priceless part of my online life you are to me! You're always welcome in my world, babe!!! xoxoxoxoxo
from phatgrrl :
I also started rewriting the manuscript of mine that I feel has the most potential. I get about 10 pages done per night at the gas station. I haven't taken it to walmart with me yet, will do that soon.
from femme-inine :
Hey, A. There are many things I want to say but I can't seem to find the words to say it "right". Just know that I'm thinking about you and if you need to talk/yell/whine you know where I am.
from hothead :
love to you ms. honey! also: i have found THE cutest hanukkah presents for you this year! happy sabbath and merry hanukkah from your *favorite* shiksa goddess!
from phatgrrl :
thank you for the note, I reread it when I feel like crap. anyway the court stuff isn't going well, prolly going to trial so Im changing the password to the diary again, email me for it [email protected] or myspace.com/phatgrrl
from kanyooceemee :
I know. I have no excuse to not go back. My mom actually took classes with me when she was 36 (i was 19). I definitely know better than to use my age as an excuse.
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. I love it that you totally get me =) Nice to know I'm not alone in feeling that way. I agree with you, normal and healthy double yikes. Have a great day.
from phatgrrl :
dont you hate when well wishers try to convince you youre not fat when you got a BMI of like 40 or whatever lol, how's all that goin anyway? a couple entries ago I posted a msg back n forth to this woman in england bout to self pay for the roux en y and wanted to know all the tidbits the docs dont tell us so you should check out that entry. Im locking my diary username=reader password=password
from miedema2002 :
I don't think you are fat...why is that so hard to believe? :)
from miedema2002 :
You are NOT fat! You are healthy looking I think. Good luck on the event and upcoming excitement. :)
from dvlsh1 :
hugs thanks for the note =) hope you're having a good weekend.
from dvlsh1 :
ty for the note. I know you are right.. and deep down I know I shouldn't feel that way.. but there are times when that self-defeating behavoir creeps into my phsyche and nothing can shut up that negative voice.. ugh.. Im glad you understand. Keep up the good work in every area of your life. You are worthy of all your sucess!
from femme-inine :
Thank you! Just passing the info along to as many people as possible would be a great help. Thank you so much!
from miedema2002 :
Good luck on getting everything arranged for the surgery. Congrats on staying clean for so long and enjoying yourself with SNG. Take care.
from fireflyez76 :
Hey!! I'd love to send you a present!! I'll need your snail mail addy (I promise to only stalk you on Tuesdays =P). You can send it to fireflyez(at)yahoo(dot)com.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm just Writergrrl88 at LJ, please feel free to friend me (most of my entries are friends only, but I'd welcome you to my list). I will be out of town for about a week -- I'm getting married! -- but if you leave me a note with my LJ name, I'll friend you back when I return. :)
from ungenderless :
I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words; we all appreciate them. Hugs to you. ^__^
from soccernut :
Honey, you ARE a cracker, just deal with it and wear sun-tan lotion, OK? LOL ~ :) ~ Seriously, I hope ur in peace w/ who you r, cuz you are amazing. Think about u often. Much love, B~
from phatgrrl :
you got a myspace page? mine's http://myspace.com/phatgrrl also I have yahoo messenger, you only have aim listed, you on often? I'd need to download aim. I'm phatgrrlcomx on yahoo tho
from phatgrrl :
I changed my most recent entry a little & added some pics. What do you think of the haircut?
from phatgrrl :
I've only been to NYC once, in 1990 when I was 12. When I figure out the whole getting a job, apartment and car thing I wanna come visit you. I've been toying with a trip down to the city for a long time but wanted a native to show me around. I had a friend from high school on Long Island but she's now in Germany.
from phatgrrl :
lol, that would have rocked meeting you and your girl. Me and my bf are going through some "bisexual weirdness" right now, he lives in a small town, his friends have small minds... last week I shaved off my mohawk thinking I'd get fewer odd looks but now that I'm sporting what his friends call a "dyke-do" it hasn't gotten any better. So you two coming up woulda kicked ass, well all 3 of us woulda kicked their asses lol. I'm pretty sure they dont like me cuz the one guy can tell i got a crush on his wife. I have my cell # on my profile, but the cell is in Ohio and Im not sure where the charger to it is so I cant get calls for a while but if youre ever up this way again, or you just wanna talk, give me a call.
from phatgrrl :
it wouldnt let me post this as a comment to your entry:::: I had gastric bypass in sept 2006 and have lost over 100 pounds since. I highly recommend it, but there was something you kept saying that you need to think about... you won't be thin. I hoep your doc wasn't telling you thatyou would be thin.... Even if you lose ALL your excess weight (which is unlikely, most lose 60-75% of their excess weight), you will still have 20-30 pounds of extra skin hanging around your middle like a spare tire. Luckily for me I have a sugar daddy who's gonna buy me new titties and pay for a full body lift (30 grand and THE MOST PAINFUL SURGERY EVER) so you can count on not ever wearing a bikini. Also it takes about a year to go through the process of having the surgery so you wont be in a sexy swimsuit until maybe 2 summers from now.... ALSO you have to pass a psych eval which is governed by insurance companies not doctors so you need to not bring up your addiction (I'm an ex junky myself, still drink sometimes but have been off drugs and the hard shit for 5 years didnt do NA tho) and dont bring up any psych issues cuz then they'll either not let you get the surg or else they'll say they want you in counseling for 6 mos and then they'll retest and reconsider.... Dont do the lap band, if youre gonna get it done get it all the way, lap band people gain the weight back easily. Also you gotta be really careful with your nutrition. The first month post op I almost starved to death and was hospitalized. 2nd month was severely anemic (and still have probs), then I had scurvy (vit c deficiency) and now I have osteopenia, the stage before oseoporosis. I have to take 10 vitamins a day, and you cant just take regular vits cuz they dont dissolve or absorb right cuz of the surg so you have to get really expensive vits, which insurance doesnt cover, vits are gonna be like $30 a month or so. And my hair loss never recovered. I used to have thick like native american hair and now I shaved my head cuz it was coming out like chemo. again you might not have the nutritional probs that I have. I dont want to scare you cuz even tho it was a rough first month and I've had a lot of problems it's still worth it, I'd still do it all over again. And it's not that painful of a surgery.
from phatgrrl :
thank you for the note! I'd be happy to talk to you about the surgery or anything if you want [email protected] is my email. I only got to read your current entry, and I want to tell you that after having the surgery I feel like a completely different person. My moods improved, I'm hopeful... I was able to quit doin pills, weed and I'm now working on my drinking. Life improves so much, on levels you don't even think, and before I lost the weight I didn't think that the excess weight had that much impact on my life. I say jump on that promotion, you can do it!
from miedema2002 :
Yes, it is a very deep song. It represents my feelings exactly at this moment. I'm sure it has represented many peoples feelings over the years. I never knew Sarah McLachlan was singing since the late 80s! Wow!
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on you and SNG doing so well. I'm ecstatic for you! May you both have endless happiness together. :D
from kanyooceemee :
I thought it must be a good sign!
from femme-inine :
Perfect for you! :) I still haven't decided. For my entire family, I suppose it would have to be something like a rusted pick-up truck for the crest and the motto: Drink more moonshine! :)
from femme-inine :
I sent you a friend request! I've been waiting patiently. :) It's myspace . com / lafemmebarbara See? I told you it was not a creative name! ;)
from kanyooceemee :
i am going to do something, i am just not sure what. i feel so bad for her too.
from hothead :
i'll just call you tonight. deal? :)
from hothead :
um, say what?
from hothead :
i never have before, and i won't now. that's not on the table. this time is about actually expressing the way it feels.
from pursuinglife :
Thank you.. it was good to hear from you, and I'm glad you seem to be doing well. :D
from ungenderless :
Yes, that really is my original music. I will be making a couple of CDs available for purchase through Cafepress in the next couple of months. More on that later, as plans progress.
from miedema2002 :
My interest are broad. I am not looking for any specific topics, but if I would have to narrow it I would say probably, romance or non-fiction novels? But I am looking for free e-books online to download. Does your company have a website or anything like that?
from ungenderless :
Hey, thanks for the encouragement. We really appreciate it. Big hugs!
from femme-inine :
You are SO right. Thanks for the note. I've been missing you lately ... got anything to write about soon? :)
from miedema2002 :
That's great the you and SNG are still together. You two look too cute!! She sounds like a keeper! And sounds like she is crazy for you!
from vintagepearl :
You are fantastic, lovely. The picture of you and SNG is adorable, I'm happppy for you and I wish you all the best. Take care my dear!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the advice, but believe it or not this visit was after a 2-3 month break. I don't exactly know how much more space I can give them without cutting myself off completely. Thank you for the book recommendations. I'll look into it. Have a good day. -Emily
from vintagepearl :
16 days clean and counting, I am very proud of you x) Have a fantastic weekend!
from fireflyez76 :
I swear I'm going to worship you! How sweet are you Miss Bigtime Party Planner offering up your services to lil ol' me?! I so appreciate it!! I ordered pretty napkins with silver double hearts though and Brad already is irritated it's too fancy :( *sigh* I would so love for you to come though!
from pursuinglife :
Yeah, I'm just letting it go for now. I'll talk to Brad about it tonight, but there's no point in stressing over drama queens. I'm gonna have a full week of awesomeness with someone I like who's flying across the continent to see me. Thanks so much for your note, hon. <33
from ungenderless :
Hello! I saw your banner and was intrigued. I just wanted to say that I appreciate how you are so honest in your entries. You're definitely going in my favorites. ^__^
from vintagepearl :
I am very happy for you, my dear :)
from miedema2002 :
Wow thank you!! Sweetness!! Yes, you are right. I am still stuck between feeling more pangender or transgender, but I'll figure it out. Thanks for the encouragment.
from hothead :
holy crap, sweetness. call me sometime soon, yes? *love*
from vintagepearl :
All of my best, darling. You have such determination and prospect, such strength, I admire you. Take care and don't ever lose sight <3
from xnavygrrl :
Abby..I wish I had some words of wisdom here...but I don't. But I want to tell you I believe in YOU. I believe in you. You will make it!
from xnavygrrl :
Thanks sweetheart. It hurts..but I'll be okay. I sort of did it to myself. I have a compulsive need to feel important to people I love..and if I don't feel that..I turn into a royal bitchmonster. Prayers for you and what you're going through. Be strong girl....I know you can do it. We all make mistakes...you know. :) Melissa
from xnavygrrl :
Hugs.... I wish I could say something comforting..but I'm not good at that. I'm sending some hugs and warm vibes your way. Never give up Abby....never give up. :) Melissa
from jonathan29 :
I love your blog! I am in recovery myself, and I love the outlet that blogging gives us. Keep it up!
from sassers :
1. If a genie came and said, "Only one wish for you! And make it good", what would your one wish be? 2. Quick! Comfort food favorite: Mac and cheese or mashed potatoes? Where would you get said item o love? 3. Tell me something you have never seen in NYC that as a resident you should be ashamed to admit.
from miedema2002 :
I have faith in you overcoming your addictions and staying clean forever! Good luck! Stay strong! -Emily
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. My names maria and Im an addict. Ty for the congrats and congrats to you on your new clean time. keep it up Im proud of you lots of love.. maria
from femme-inine :
I CAN NOT say that! Much as I'd like to! I think I'd probably get thrown out by the entire mob of women. Thanks for the early morning laugh, though! ;)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for your great advice! I knew that lesbians enjoy penetration. I will keep your suggestion in mind about the Hitachi Magic Wand lol! I'm glad I'm not alone and I have support and people I can relate too here. Take care. You are strong.
from hothead :
victoria's secret. where else? :)
from mrcleanluver :
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Hang in there, babe. No one can be perfect 100% of the time. We're all here for you! *HUGS*
from miedema2002 :
I declare your diary the best one on diaryland. Seriously there are only a small few I can say that about. My top three would be Yours, Ethereal-Red and Beautigirl. I find your diary so positive and inspirational. It is raw, honest, positive, educational, funky, funny, and fun all rolled into one! You are a true inspiration.
from vintagepearl :
My thoughts are with you, all my best. You will get through this. We all need a freak out moment, it's what assures that we're real. Take care my dear <3
from miedema2002 :
I'm so sorry you relapsed. But I am happy that you are going to try again and are more determined then ever to beat your old record of clean time. I believe in you. I know you can do it. If you ever need to talk I'm here, even though I don't understand what you are going through, I am willing to listen if you need to vent.
from vintagepearl :
OHHMAN x) Your pictures reassure me that celebrities are people just like the rest of us [I think]. They were nice anyhow. And don't worry about your size or your appearance all the time, because you're a gorgeous and lovely lady. How was Maine by the way? Take care.
from dvlsh1 :
Thank you for the note. Just remember I think you're too fabulous too =) lots of hugs to you.
from newgyptian :
wow, awesome. i had no idea you read my diary. i thought i was just a "lurking" fan of yours. :-) will definitely let you know about the new diary once i get it going.
from oldmaid :
thanks for posting the pictures - it's so cool that you got to meet those people! and your new hairdo is adorable! as for why to keep doing the steps and the meetings - because it *works* and because *you deserve* to be happy and healthy.
from miedema2002 :
Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement. -Anthony J. D'Angelo Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. -Dale Carnegie I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self. -Aristotle You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. -Wayne W. Dyer Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. -William Durant Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently. -William A. Ward -Emily
from miedema2002 :
Please don't fall back into that black hole of drugs and booze and chaos!! It's not worth it. You have come so far to make it two years! Keep going! You are strong. Good for you for wanting to lose weight. I don't think weight should be an issue unless it affects you health wise and it is a necessity to lose it. Other then that love yourself! Show off your healthy body!! Say I refuse to conform to the unrealistic expectations put upon me by the media!! lol! That is what I tell myself anyways! Please, please stay strong for your friends, for your family, for your future partner(s) but most of all for yourself. If you don't want to go back to NA it's up to you but make sure that you are confident that you are strong enough to stand on your own! Don't give up! Ok enough rambling from me! Take care. -Emily
from mehiel :
Oh, interview me! It will get me to blog more, and I'm sure you'll come up with way interesting questions.
from miedema2002 :
Hi, can you please interview me? I like your entry! Stay strong and happy! I am trying to do the same.
from vintagepearl :
:) Thanks. I've been doing well, trying to be other places than here, it's been nice.
from vintagepearl :
You did the right thing, and it wasn't an easy thing. I have a lot of respect for you.
from miedema2002 :
I'm proud of you for not letting her bring you down with her. You stayed strong and protected yourself and all you have worked for. Good job!
from vintagepearl :
& One more note! Your entry was nice, I'm very happy for you :) Hopefully the weather's better when you get to Maine, colddd but I doubt that'll change for awhile and right now there's a snowstorm. How's NY? Good luck with the new girl!
from vintagepearl :
+ HAPPY VALENTINES DAY :)
from vintagepearl :
x) We've only done it twice, and we used condoms, plus I'm on the pill. So we're safe :) And very careful. I really like him, he's a genuinely decent person.
from femme-inine :
Here you go: 1. Describe The One. 2. Now that you've worked in development, what's your Dream Job? 3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and who would you want to take with you? 4. Who "gets" you? does that scare you or comfort you? 5. What book has made an impact on you?
from femme-inine :
Thank you, A. I appreciate that. I needed to hear it, I think.
from vintagepearl :
N. Maine is WICKEDDD cold right now as well. It was -4 a few days ago. And then the next day is was like 6, and I was all "OHHH WARMTH IS COMING" because I feel the need to believe. I need to wear a jacket all day because my school insists on salvaging the heat, and when I say salvaging I mean not using. On a different note, that sounds like a very thoughtful and interesting birthday plan. Good job, lady. Take care!
from essaywriter :
Abby, re your Caroline Knapp comment - she's one of my favorites, too, a great loss when she died. I have read Drinking: A Love Story several times now. Also LOVE Merry Recluse. And good for you for getting help with your addiction. -Kathy
from pstlyfdiva :
yes i did. my gf and i usually change the words to "brrrr its cold in here, there must be some homos in the atmosphere" -- we are mature.
from dvlsh1 :
I laughed at your note too cute =) Im actually bi-sexual.. ;) I love the dark side =)P hugs to you sweetie =)
from dvlsh1 :
ty for the note I will definatly do that. hugs
from mehiel :
You can take a 1 litre Ziploc bag full of 3.4 oz (100mL)bottles. You cannot take small aerosols, I don't think.
from vintagepearl :
Thank you :)
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks so much for the comment. You are 100% right, it is their shit. Some old timer said something to me after a meeting one day. The topic was how do you find your higher power so I talked about how I found mine. I said as nicely as I could to him " this is a spiritual not religous program" n walked away. But I ended up just sobbing all over my sponsor right after that jerk left, and the guy that normally chairs our meeting said " maria, if you want your higher power to be a rock that is your choice, its a god of your understanding. don't let that jerk get to you." I have tried very hard not to let it bother me since. Sometimes Im leery of saying goddess cuz I dont want to listen to the whole youre going to hell lecture. But you are right no shaming is allowed. Ty for giving me re-enforcement =) hugs.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'm glad you find my life interesting. I just write what happens nothing special really lol! Yeah, I know it won't be easy in terms of family acceptance, society, and possible reassignment surgery, but I'd rather deal with that than not be with her at all because she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
from not-tuesday :
Thanks, Abby. Glad that you had a good birthday and I hope you got my card I sent you.
from miedema2002 :
Hi, wow I love your diary!! It's rare to find another diary that is so real, well written, and entertaining all in one! Go you!! Happy belated 32nd birthday!
from femme-inine :
Happy belated birthday! 32 is a good age to be. :) Your boss is pretty gorgeous. And, yes, your skin can look like that at 32. Let me give you a word of advice: go to a dermatologist and don't waste one more penny on stuff from Walgreens or even Saks. Dermatologist with you!
from mehiel :
Happy birthday! I think your low-key birthday sounds great. And yay two kinds of cake!
from jocelynface :
I already have one of those.
from dvlsh1 :
There is a site called sobercircle.com My sponsor sent me an invite, I tried emailing you on the yahoo id listed on here but its yahell.. Im devilishangel61401 on there, it has an na site and is like a myspace for ppl in recovery =) thought you might want to have a look lots of love to you sugar !!
from noaddedme :
legally & morally it's my job to be a pain in your ass :)
from iwantobeliev :
I tried to click on one of the links in your diary, and it said i needed a password. Can you please email the username and password? You can access my email though my diary. Please say in the subject heading that you are from diaryland. (: iwantobeliev
from femme-inine :
Why Michigan? Well, for one thing, my family is here and I want to be close to my sister and her family. for another thing, I have almost run out of money. Moving to parts unknown requires money I simply don't have. Overall, I like it here. It's pretty, I like Lake Michigan (MUCH nicer than the Atlantic!) and this is home.
from vintagepearl :
THIRTY TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY WAHHHH!!!!! That's pretty much awesome. Isn't 32 also a card game? I like that game. And I like you, so again happy early birthday and I wish you all the best!!!!
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note you're so awesome =D
from saggymoon :
First of all, what is an NYE kiss? If something takes up your whole weekend that's GOOD-- it's good to keep busy. I am totally with you about overspending. I have had my credit card only since June and already I have spent half of the balance limit! : /
from femme-inine :
Of course you're right. That was kind of my point. I can't even begin to imagine dating yet. But you're also right that her mistakes are her own to make and I can't take them personally.
from jocelynface :
Haha. Very true.
from jocelynface :
I stole your clean time counter thing. I hope you don't mind. I'll take it off if you do.
from vintagepearl :
OMG beautiful lady. OMG lovely pictures. OMG Maine. Like your entry just made me smile. Whereabouts in Maine were you? I went downstate around Bath for Thanksgiving. Different from The County, but still an enjoyable atmosphere, have you ever driven across the Bath Bridge? For some reason I love it. A lot. I also love the series of Goodwill stores in Maine. Random clothes, good books, unique little accessories. Gosh I freaking love Maine.
from mehiel :
I'm so glad that you're taking this tactic with Lill. That's awesome. You know what you want, and sometimes that's half the battle. I think that the eating cycle will change, but maybe not until you're further along in recovery. I mean, the steps reflect all kinds of behaviours, right? Would it help to think of your eating in the context of the steps? It's just a thought. *shrug*
from femme-inine :
You're right, of course. Thanks for the note. The ship has sailed - and I think I was at the airport! :)
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. I appriciate the encouragement. lots of love to you.
from vintagepearl :
HAPPY NEW YEARRRRR!!! WHOOOPWHA 2007'S HERE!! I like how you compared your friends & people in your life to a neutron star -- finally an explanation!! Haha sometimes I wonder about that, how I can have so many friends and talk to so many people on a daily basis, but when I have a problem there's only like two people I would actually talk to about it [excluding DLand]. Weeeeird Universe. Good entry, love :)
from dvlsh1 :
happy new years sweetie I hope 2007 brings you everything you want and that you get one more year of sobriety. =) lots of love maria
from essaywriter :
thanks for the add and happy holidays...
from vintagepearl :
Ooh-ay!! Check my profile: a full 72 diary boatload. Most I cannot go without reading. Such as yours my friend :) Happy New Year!!
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) Everyone seemed to like it, which was a relief. We passed our English presentation & raised awareness at the same time!! Truly cool.
from vintagepearl :
That sounds very cool. And very busy! I want to work with kids and teens someday, help the world blah blah blah. What degree did you have to earn? Haha, yes!! You know Regina!! That makes me happy, because she is one of the greatest people EVER, her lyrics and voice are outstanding. And she�s such a cutie, I watched this video she had on her YouTube. She was shopping at a market, and she just seems like a really nice, amazing person.
from vintagepearl :
What is your job? It sounds fun, haha. Glad to read life's good! Take care..
from dvlsh1 :
You are right, I dont use the workbook =) Good luck on yours dear. Love ya lots.
from hothead :
i can't seem to get my pop-up blocker to behave, so here i am...i am so proud of you, honey. you did it, and you did it in a way that was true to you. make room for the praise...something tells me you'll be getting a lot of it. love you.
from herdarlinsin :
I remember where you were two years ago, and how you suffered (and survived) through the break-up you had. In any case, you could be my role model. I wanted to thank you for your most previous note to me. Words of kindness and great understanding has helped a lot. And you are right, I need to just let her, and "it" all go. The time to move on is now. And, I'm trying, really hard. I guess I could move along a little quicker if she didnt have her new girlfriend sending me IM messages. Oh well. As I said in my diary earlier today, I'm going to be alright and things will be better (in time.) Thank you again for your support. Much love to you, C-C.
from dvlsh1 :
Thank you for the wonderful note. I really needed that uplift =) Much love to you too.
from noaddedme :
I clicked a banner and I got you. Drug addict - lesbian ... gee, am I surprised where I landed? Good luck tomorrow and take a moment to see what you pulled off ok?
from femme-inine :
I have unlocked, chica mia! The hell with that Crazy Bitch. That's what I say.
from vintagepearl :
Take it easy, love :)
from dvlsh1 :
Ty for the note you are so right.. Love you lots.
from candoor :
yummy Rumi
from heidiann :
I love Rumi. Let me also suggest Hafiz. "The Gift" or "I Hear God Laughing" are both lovely books. Here's one!<br><br>Tired of Speaking Sweetly<br><br>Love wants to reach out and manhandle us, Break all our teacup talk of God. If you had the courage and Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights, He would just drag you around the room By your hair, Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world That bring you no joy. Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly And wants to rip to shreds All your erroneous notions of truth That make you fight within yourself, dear one, And with others, Causing the world to weep On too many fine days. God wants to manhandle us, Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself And practice His dropkick. The Beloved sometimes wants To do us a great favor: Hold us upside down And shake all the nonsense out. But when we hear He is in such a "playful drunken mood" Most everyone I know Quickly packs their bags and hightails it Out of town.
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. I hope that those dreams are not " yets" at all for either of us. I wish I knew how to not have those dreams at all. lots of hugs.. maria
from herdarlinsin :
I really appreciate your words of encouragement. It helps. Its just hard for me right now. She told me she loved me, but lied to me. I just don't understand what I WAS doing wrong during the course of our relationship that made her so unhappy, and needing to feel secretive upon seeing someone else. I feel so betrayed and unworthy. I've never had someone make me feel so good about myself then tear it all away in a ingle moment. I never lied to her. I would be okay, had she just been upfront with me. I'm trying to not let myself be stuck in the muck of the sadness in all of this. It's very hard though. Perhaps our relationship meant moe to me than her (?) Seeing how she's got herself a new someone, makes me feel that I didn't mean that much to her. I still love her though. I'm such a sad case.
from vintagepearl :
Turns out, it probably wasn't a mole, because I accidentally picked it off my face x( It kind of hurts. It was like a scab of some sort, but I have no clue as to how it got there. "Going bi" does seem to be the trend. I know a few people who truly are gay, but people like Belinda are just doing it to prove an emo point or something. That's what annoys me. Anyways. How are things in your life? Thanks for the note, take care!
from vintagepearl :
Awesome new template. Good luck with your steps and new sponsor!
from vintagepearl :
Doctors are weird. They gave me the flu shot, then I got the flu. Mix it with the Ulcer and you have one hell of an entertaining sick person. Feel better :)
from hothead :
swiped off the internet just for you (and me, who am i kidding?): http://hothead.diaryland.com/images/mariska_hargitay010.jpg. there you go, sugar. enjoy!
from vintagepearl :
Thank you :) I finally went to the doctor, because my stomach had been bothering me for about a month. She called back and said it was most definitely an ulcer. Which was caused by stress. Soo that sucks, because usually only adults get ulcers, and I'm only sixteen. But it's been doing better, usually I'm most nautious in the mornings and here at home, but I eat anyways because I know I need to. Jon was directly behind me on the stairs this morning and I almost started to cry. He scares me. Maybe that's not good. I know I shouldn't blame myself, and I know so many people blame themselves for what isn't thier fault. People have choices. I'm not really blaming myself, many people played a part, but I kicked that night off. Things have been stressful lately, but I'm still living and learning. I guess that's the way to do it. In response to your latest entry, I'm sure you knocked everyone off their feet at the party! Good job :)
from dvlsh1 :
ty for the note.. how right you are =) I did let go after the meeting today. ty lots of hugs.
from vintagepearl :
Oh yes we are, haha :)
from hothead :
they played "hung up" at our friendly neighborhood gay bar tonight and i thought of you. hope you're living well, mshoney.
from dvlsh1 :
I will be happy to pray for your sponsor =) take care doll.
from dvlsh1 :
How right you are doll. I called someone in the program last nite and talked to them. thanks for the note and encouragement.. i needed it =)
from vintagepearl :
I have complete faith in you. Everything will work out in the end.
from vintagepearl :
Haha :) UN & PW: vintagepearl this. Original, I know. But seemingly predictable. How's life on your end?
from lily-white :
how very kind of you to say so, but I think you might surprise yourself. And for what it's worth from a stranger, i'm proud of you. I know how hard it can be to let something like that go.
from lily-white :
oh my dear, five years of entries are a lot of reading. Hope it didn't bore you senseless. Must admit i'm a bit partial toreading your as well.
from femme-inine :
You know what I admire about you? You just put all this stuff *out there* - your jealousy, etc. I am so guarded with my feelings. I truly admire that in you.
from dvlsh1 :
You always make me laugh! The person that said that is somone that I dont like so I just humor her. Arugiing with her is very pointless cuz she wont let things go.. take care doll
from vintagepearl :
:) Thanks for the offer! It's good to know you're there for me. Luckily everything worked out. Dannete got the book for half price, and she paid that because I'm sharing it with her son. So that's good. I got a 76 or 78 on the exam! Which I consider alright, considering I missed the first day of class, the class is progressed, and my level of math. How's life for you? <3
from dvlsh1 :
It is great that you are working on yourself, growing everyday and becoming the person you want to be. Get your butt to a meeting! You can have a meeting with you and one other addict you know:) we tend to make things harder then they really are, remember the only way you get better is to go to meetings, work the steps and talk to other ppl in the program. You have a lot to offer ppl, go to a meeting and share =) You only keep what you have by giving it away to others. love you doll. maria
from noaddedme :
I'll call you later, I'm doing ok today. Tomorrow, who knows!
from vintagepearl :
XXXXX<333333!!!!!!!!:D:D CONGRATULATIONS, MISS AWESOME!!!!!!! (Pretend that's a banner) I'm very very proud of you. :)
from vintagepearl :
Thanks for the suggestions :) I do have a copy of "The Bell Jar" I bought earlier this year, but I have yet to read it. I should be able to order them through the bookstore on Main Street for reduced pricing. If not, I'll take you up on your offer :) Thanks again! How've ya been lately? It seems you've been busy!
from wanders :
Thank you so much!
from vintagepearl :
Have fun :)
from dvlsh1 :
I love that prayer too, somone closed the meeting wed with it, ah.. that prayer is like music to my soul. =)
from vintagepearl :
Alright, thanks. Been doing quite well in school which is good, it's my best ticket out of here, haha. Looking foward to this weekend, I'm pretty sure the father's leaving for downstate soon, so mom should let up. Do you have any interesting plans?
from vintagepearl :
Hello M'Lady, how are you?
from vintagepearl :
Hi.. I can't leave, I would get in more trouble. DHS didn't believe me when I tried to tell them. It's alright, I don't spend much time here anymore anyways, I'm going to start spending more time after school or at someone's house, and school clubs are starting up again, and now that Maura can drive. I'll be okay, I can make it. Thank you.
from bipolarlove :
I can only dream of having that sort of clarity. I am proud of you girl...
from dvlsh1 :
huge hugs.. thanks for the note it was just what I needed. I just love you. =) mia
from jenniam :
Sept. 9th
from xnavygrrl :
I am so worried about you right now...and saying I'm sorry for not being there for you sounds so selfish...but it's all I know to say. I'm glad you are hanging in there. stay strong..Abby.
from xxheartwork :
I don't want to die, that's what I was trying to say. It just hurts, that's all.
from xxheartwork :
This is Jocelyn. If you want to look at my new diary this is it. I have it password protected so I'll send it to you in an e-mail. Toodles.
from zap-jocelyn :
Me too, me too. That's why I decided to add, especially because this morning I got in a fight with my parents, and I should have thought about what I said. Well, toodles!
from minstrelite :
Well, I don't know about the sponsor thing or NA, but I can relate to the spending issue. I think it's related to my bipolar, on the manic end, which is where I am, usually.
from hobosapien :
Don't let anyone who thinks they know you hold you back.
from vintagepearl :
:) Thanks. And since recently Emancipation's on my side!
from zap-jocelyn :
I know it is a lot, but it's just so annoying. I will admit I created most of the drama, which I rarely do, but when I do, you'll never hear the end of it. Although, I think as long as I'm doing better emotionaly, venting about stupid things in my diary is fine. Byes! =]
from zap-jocelyn :
Oh ok. Thank you. I just didn't know.
from zap-jocelyn :
I have a question for you. I guess it's kinda dumb, but oh well. People are always talking about their clean dates in the meetings and stuff, and my question is; is your clean date the day you used drugs last or the day after that, because it's your first day totally clean? Stupid, I know, but I don't know.
from zap-jocelyn :
I know, and I will. I'm just so shy. It's hard. I've already got some numbers, and I've talked to a few people, just not in front of everyone. Anyway, thanks!
from zap-jocelyn :
I'm going to a meeting in an hour and a half. I promise. I have no one to call, that's a big problem, and parents can only do so much. I'm working on it though.
from vintagepearl :
Calm down then, haha. With an adult present? Mmm no. No no, there's reality and then there's life. I prefer life, and life is not having an adult present while I Dland. Or anything else on the Internet for that matter. I've come to the conclusion I'm "mature" enough to handle it. YOU'RE COMING TO MAINE!? :D Whereabouts are you breaking? It's been nice here up north lately, I think south there's still been lots of rain. But I like Maine for the most part. Have you ever been here before? Oooooh brilliant/scary/confusing news!! Here at this camp thing, I'm in Play Production, and we're doing a 45 minute version of Odysseus. I'M ODYSSEUS. I GOT THE LEAD. I *never* get the lead, I've never formally auditioned for a play before, never competed for a part. Just took a background role a couple times. I've auditoned for music roles before, but I was so nervous I was almost in tears. I was really nervous for my monologue yesterday, but those who heard me said I did awesome. Then today we finished running random scenes from the play, and I was "the hero" a lot, but I still figured there was no way in hell I'd get the hero, and I didn't really even want the lead, I've never done this kind of thing before. But I got ittt and just took a long time explaining it to you because I'm freaked! I'm reallly nervous and excited and wondering how in the world I got the lead with little experience while all but one in my class (it's a small class, but still) has had tons more experience than I. Ahh! Talk to you later, take care..
from vintagepearl :
:) Thanks. So how've ya been lately?
from vintagepearl :
Hey.. Aw, thanks. I wouldn't want to be a burden though, and I'm not sure I could do anything about this again. I've tried before, in earlier entries I mention having hope and finally being safe, but then DHS just made things worse, and they've interviewed me and my "family" twice, two different caseworkers, the same results. The parents manipulated them into thinking we were a Utopian family. Thanks sooo much for your concern though, it means a lot! :) Take care.
from zap-jocelyn :
lovely-loser
from zap-jocelyn :
Oh yeah, I have one question. What exactly does a sponsor do? I've heard about them, but I have no idea. Well, toodles! -Jocelyn
from zap-jocelyn :
You know what I just remembered? I'm probably going to NYC next April on a school field trip. Maybe I could visit you. I know it's a long tim away, but I just remembered, so I thought I'd share. About the NA thing, there's none close by to me, so I have to go when my mom can give me a ride, probably 2 or 3 times a week though, and I'm learning about the steps on-line. I really thought it was going to be the most stupid thing I ever did, but it really wasn't. I'm glad I went. Although, I still don't think I need it, because I'm never really tempted to do drugs again, but just in case. Well, thanks for your help and support with it, I'll be sure to let you know if I have any questions. -Jocelyn
from zap-jocelyn :
You should totally check out my two latest entries. I think you'll like them. :] They're titled "The Greatest Moment." and "Another Great Moment." if you don't see this for a few days. Well, toodles! -Jocelyn
from zap-jocelyn :
Well, they're not going out, but I'm sure they will. Once again, thank you. But sometimes I just don't know how to feel, what do do, etc. -Jocelyn
from phizhy :
I just signed your guestbook because the comment section was not working. ♥ Abbylicious!
from zap-jocelyn :
I know that's what I need to do, it's just I'm very shy and I have very huge trust issuses because of things form my past. I don't know where to find new friends anyway. I never do anything lately. -Jocelyn
from zap-jocelyn :
Thank you so much. I needed someone to talk and listen to me. It means a lot. It's good to have someone to talk to who kind of knows what I feel like. Thank you. -Jocelyn
from vintagepearl :
Haha yes, yes they are. My other pair is cool too, like a purplish/blueish color, they're a bit smaller but rectangular like my "fierce" ones, haha. I'm loving the whole being able to wear sunglasses thing, and not have to worry about my glasses getting knocked off, haha. I need to take some pictures to post. How've ya been cupcake?
from vintagepearl :
At least you're goin' down in style. Feeling any better?
from vintagepearl :
At least there's another temporary "Ray of light" in your life. Haha I made a funny.
from vintagepearl :
Feel better, darlin'!
from dvlsh1 :
Good for you on your progress!! We can't always be forgiven when we make amends, and if you checked with your sponsor b4 hand and did them to the best of your ability then you did them right! All we can do is let go and let our higher power do the rest. Take care brightest blessings n many hugs. mia
from wordsofmine :
What I have learned about making amends is that it's not whether the person(s) acknowledge our amends; it's the courage and honesty we have mustered to make these amends regardless of the outcome. You keep up the good work.
from vintagepearl :
You can do it! Stay strong and try not to give in to habits of the past.
from vintagepearl :
Mmm. Coffee is one of the greatest things ever. Simple and enjoyable. Well priced and satisfying. I'm going to go grab a mug right now! Loveee.
from vintagepearl :
Ooh New York! I'm going to make an appearance there someday. College perhaps, but most definitely just to explore and shop my ass off. Mmm coffee . . . that sounds like a perky plus. There must be a lot of variety there. Here in N. Maine, there's really no variety of coffee. The most go-to places are the two Tim Hourtons and the two Dunkin Donuts, yet we manage to not have ONE Starbucks. Stupid. One of Maine's faults. But you learn to live with the basics, haha. What's the best coffee shop there in your opinion?
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note, my sponsor said the same thing n I decided with her help to file chapter 7 bankruptcy, and she said we'd find a way to make amends later on.. =) but it will feel good to get out from under my mountain of debt. hugs n love to you , mia
from vintagepearl :
Nah, rejection is *not* so sixth grade, haha. Be confident, carpe diem!
from vintagepearl :
Woo go Maine! Haha Mainers are the best. Whereabouts do you live now? Mmm yes coffee is quite superb, yet I can't say I have a *favorite* because in my book "Thou shall not discriminate against coffee." I'm proud of you for not cutting too! Last time I did was earlier this year, not proud of it, but I'm pretty sure I'm done, which is good.
from vintagepearl :
Reading more, I've realized we're even more alike than before - the cutting thing stuck out. I'll stop leaving notes now, haha.
from vintagepearl :
Wow, that's neat! Wherabouts in Maine are you from? I'm up north, the County, baby. It's crazy we're so much alike! Do you share my passion for coffee? Haha. Talk to ya later!
from fireflyez76 :
I clicked your banner and found I couldn't stop reading you. Although we are probably polar opposites, I think your my new addiction diary. I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you for coming along and staying clean for so long! I hope you don't mind my adding you =)
from kazillion :
My love, I know I had blocked myself for a bit, but it was a false alarum. Instead of locking that one, I've got a side journal now, too. Name: shayrian You're the only one I'm telling (shhhhh...) Just in case you'd like to know. Hearts, fabulous you! :)
from draining :
draining is locked. i need yr email to add you to my list. [email protected]
from soccernut :
Hey sweety ~ I'm leaving for Singapore this Sunday. I'll start writing again from Asia. Love!!! Happy Spring!!! B~
from kayrayne :
Huge waste of time. Yes, I guess that does sum up my ex boss, and the entire IT department.
from studionique :
Love the template, very gllllamourrrrous!
from kayrayne29 :
Hi! I have moved! Please follow me to: http://kayrayne.diaryland.com Happy reading!
from pstlyfdiva :
Oh I totally agree on looking for a low cut top, the girl's are a great feature! Haha! And best of all, I didn't have them in high school...they suddenly grew when I was about 23. So it will be like show and tell ;)
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note =) you are so right .. hugs to you , mia
from xnavygrrl :
I'm sorry I've not been there for you. Feel better soon, beautiful!
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note, and youre right. I shouldn't let it get to me. I talked to my sponsor right after I wrote that n she said the same thing you did. Thanks for the reminder though I needed one =) hugs mia
from kayrayne29 :
I'm half way there, it's just harder for me when I love the phalice so much. Just not what's attached to it, most of the time... Oh the freedom of a manless world. Wouldn't it be awesome?
from kayrayne29 :
"...over a picture in a magazine of a woman I have no chance of ever getting close to..." I hear you hun. Men suck. Well, most do.
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. I did that today, and bawled like crazy, but it felt good to get that shit out. hugs n blessings to you. mia
from zap-jocelyn :
I know, but it still sucks. Hes going to therapy though so hopefully that helps.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm sorry you're sick, and I'm sorry you're going through so much. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself Abby. There are many people that care about and love you...hugs.
from spiciness :
Sorry to hear about Esme. We can get so attached to those little guys.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm sorry about Esme :(. I too am rather attached to my little furry pets. She lived a good life with you, I'm sure.
from whinerwoman :
Oh Abby.....I am SO sorry about your hamster passing.....I too lost my dear gerbil 2 weeks ago and he even outlived his life expectancy!! I cried like a baby too...........at least we have a special place in our hearts for pets. Maybe you could get you a new addition??? HUGS!!! Lisa
from dvlsh1 :
How right you are dear girl! Funny to how shortly after I do my 4th step ( again n again) by the time I get to 6 more stuff pops out and then I can ask to have it removed. You are totally wonderful! and I hope things start going better for you. hugs n love mia
from xnavygrrl :
Abby, my beauty. I am so sorry about the difficult time you are having. I so much identify with the pain. I know we've never met but somehow I think we are linked. I think about you a lot and pray for you to have hope, comfort and courage. Thanks so much for IM'ing me. It made me feel good that you were so open and honest with me and didn't make me feel like a freak. I hope that you have someone near who can hold and comfort you and let you know it will all be okay. I will burn a candle for you tonight. Love, your friend, Missy
from whinerwoman :
SURE!!! I need ur e-mail...............
from whinerwoman :
Congrats on 18 months CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!! Be good to yourself and STAY happy!!
from xnavygrrl :
The wrong kind, I guess. I never have much luck it seems. But it's still the funniest thing that ever happened, besides the one guy admitting and laughing that he had stalked his ex girlfriend. Men suck. I have to also tell you that I decided you are my go-gay girl. My go gay girl used to me Mariska Hargitay! But I have a crush on you because you're one in a million. It's a girl thing I guess!
from whinerwoman :
Hi there dragprincess! I am a very good friend of xnavygrrl and she has told me alot about how sweet you are!!! You remind me of another great divine diva!!! LOVE your tatoos!!!!Enjoy your diary!! Lisa
from dvlsh1 :
Thank you for the note =) I think you are a miricle too =) hugs n love mia
from xnavygrrl :
Glad I can do that for you (smile). I tried to IM you but haven't had success yet.
from kayrayne29 :
Thank you Abby for your note. I agree with you, and although I have a lot of pent up anger regarding the situation, I am working on it, and working on ways to release this anger in positive ways. (like working out!) Thank you for reading, and keep up the good work! :-) - Erin
from whereibegin :
Abby... God, what to say but thank you. I can't tell you how much your note meant to me - you always know the right thing to say. I am *honored* to be your friend and part of your life! I'm so sorry about your recent hospitalization and the subsequent aftermath, but I hope you're doing well now and had a wonderful weekend at your convention. I can't wait to hear about it!
from jenne1017 :
in the city on W. 44nd and 7th
from jenniam :
Hey --in case HB and I are up for going out after the Phatom -- can you recommend anywhere to go afterwards? It's an 8p show so I assume we'll be done by 11p. Coffee shops, lesbo bars...anything?
from oldmaid :
i noticed you hadn't updated in a week or so, so i wanted to check that everything was ok. i hope you're doing alright. come back to dland soon - i miss you!
from hamiltonian :
I disagree that you don't have it in you. Just from reading what you wrote in one entry I can gather that you are not going to the root of thr problem. If ever need any help let me know...
from pstlyfdiva :
thanks...i'm trying not to focus on it...but geez it made me mad.
from spiciness :
I stopped by to read something new. You're awesome and so real. You can talk about the real stuff, I admire that. Good luck. OH and tattoos are supposed to scab. It'll be fine.
from pstlyfdiva :
i think c needed a reason to quit...and i was lucky enough to be that reason. both of us have strange "getting clean" stories -- one day, after a particularly heavy night of partying, i just said to myself, "what are you doing to yourself and your life" and i stopped. not saying it was easy, but that day i knew i had to take control.
from seekingme :
Hope you're doing okay in this snow storm. I'd ask if you're power is out, but if it is, then you probably won't read this anyway. Hope all is well...stay warm.
from xnavygrrl :
I have tried Xenical. Stay near a bathroom at all times until your body gets used to it. I don't want to get graphic, but even farts have a new dimension to them when you're on this medicine. But it does take out the fat!
from seekingme :
Hey, thanks for the note. You're right it would not be my fault and I can accept that. But it scares me to lose her and scares me to know that if she did kill herself, I would be the one to find her, and I'm not sure how I would handle that....
from blindessence :
I found your diary through a banner and I started to read and found it very interesting! I'm going to add you to my favourites (if you don't mind) because I want to be able to keep reading (again, if you don't mind!!!)
from dvlsh1 :
I think that anyone that lives the program on a daily basis makes it =) Ive seen ppl go to meetings all the time, and not be working the steps and such, fuck there are ppl that go in obviously messed up, I dont see it at my home group, but I did at the convention at a few meetings.. yikes! Take care brightest blessings n hugs mia
from not-tuesday :
Of course I did, it was your birthday!! Did you get it today or yesterday? I hope it got there on your birthday.
from nimiiwin :
The entire Huyck family thanks you for your prayers! :) We can always use 'em! Happy Birthday next week!
from whereibegin :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And... congratulations on 500 days clean! How interesting that those two milestones coincide with each other... I'm really proud of you!
from jenniam :
And happy EARLY birthday!!! :)
from jenniam :
a day late and a dollar short, I know, but I am proud of you too
from drahmaqueen :
Wow, reading you today gave me chills. I am proud of you. You did good kid. xxoo
from dvlsh1 :
I really need to rember that =) thats so cute. hugs.. mia
from xnavygrrl :
Wow. You are amazing, and so much stronger than you know.
from jenniam :
This is all interesting. The more we hear, the more we want to move. HB is sitting here over my shoulder and she wants to know: where in ME are you from? You like it in Brooklyn? Do you have a hard time driving?
from jenniam :
I didn't know they called it that. I have no clue where it was where HB fell in love. It was at some restaurant, by a park and apartment building right off the Verrazano. Off 3rd maybe? If that even makes sense I will give it to her - it was pretty. Do you live in an apartment? Come with a washer/dryer?
from jenniam :
What is rent like in BR? I want to move back and I don't. It's weird because I am usually so decisive, but now...maybe it will depend on what kind of review/raise I get at work!
from drahmaqueen :
Good girl. I did that and today I sold THREE houses! I swear it works. Let me know what you draw in. xxoo
from drahmaqueen :
I will also add this to the note....you draw in what you visualize. I believe that with every cell in my body. I know it may sound strange. I have been trained by counselors and sales trainers that believe and it really does work. When you get negative and sad, you draw it in. Try to turn it around and see what happens. Draw in the positive stuff instead. Imagine (visualize) (in detail) you having lots of friends at your party, feeling confident and happy, laughter, smiles and fun. Not the negative. When you catch yourself doing negative, squelch it and think about something else. I promise it works. I experienced so many examples of it...negative AND positive. I swear. xxoo Jen
from drahmaqueen :
My birthday IS on January 21st. Please eat a big ol' piece of cheese cake for me when you have your birthday dinner. I hope you enjoy your birthday sweetie. Happy Happy xxoo Jen
from dvlsh1 :
Id love notes =) I dont know why it does not work.. cuz Ive turned them on 5 gazzllion times.. =) someone told me that you have to click on my profile to access em ugh.. keep your chin up sweetie! Im going through similar junk, my disease makes me feel like I am no one, and I wish I could just will ppl to be around me and want to come over n hang out n all.. I will try n get to the guest book, n comment away Id love it.. hugs n love.. maria
from whereibegin :
Hey Abby... hope all is well with you! I wanted to ask you, have you ever read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz? I read it yesterday and while I was reading, I thought of you. I'm trying to pay more attention to my intuition and follow my hunches, so I thought I'd check it out with you. :) It's a quick read, and once I got through some of the metaphorical, new age speak and into the substance, I liked it. If you haven't read it and want me to mail to you, let me know. Hope you're having a great day!
from unicallgirl :
I fucking love your layout.
from mypocket :
i joined your ring, and now im adding you. cheers.
from not-tuesday :
What happened to Felicity Huffman?
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the great note =) I feel the same about you. I have about 4 ppl online now that are in recovery as well as my home group. Congrats on your year plus as well. hugs n love mia
from dvlsh1 :
Hope it is ok Ive added you. I read many entries and I go through a lot of the same things.. Im my therapists first addict too =) god bless you. mia
from xnavygrrl :
When I saw your name in red today, it made my day. I'm sending you lots of love from St. Louis. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
from sarafem :
hey abby, email me your snail address, i want to send you a surprise. :) it's se_castellano at yahoo
from noaddedme :
well, the best choice for a new email would be "fiercechickwhoisalsohighlystubborn@" but it's a little long.
from drahmaqueen :
Hey thanks for the linkage. I hope you had a great day. Sounds like you are working back into routine. Your note about making breakfast for yourself in your post made me realize that I have not been doing enough of that. You made me think about it. I needed it. I will come up with some ideas for you for sure on your new name. xxoo
from seekingme :
Hi there. I hope you're feeling better. I'll catch up on your entries when I can. But as to your note....one thing...I have made it clear and I will stick by this, that if Eagle gets another charge, I will not stick by her. So, that may end up being her life, but it will not be mine. And, in recent news, she has made several appointments with counselors and went to her first session on Monday. Her counsellor told her to find a gay friendly AA meeting and we are in the process of doing just that. It is often hard for me to convey the positives that occur with her, but they do occur and I think she's in better shape than she ever has been. No, she's not completely clean yet, but I do believe it is only a matter of time. But I do thank you for your concern and I do value your opinions because I know that you've been there and I respect that. Thank you.
from hothead :
honey! i simply had no idea all of this was happening...damn no internet at home! so so SO glad that you're recuperating and have a new perspective... silver linings, indeed. love you much honey...and take care of yourself, dammit! *mwah*
from drahmaqueen :
People don't feel resentment for doing nice thing for someone if they appreciate it. You have done that. I am glad you have made it home. Deep breaths, have a nice holiday and be thankful that you have wonderful people that will do those things for you. Some people don't. You are incredibly lucky. Take care of yourself sweetheart. Jen
from xnavygrrl :
I hope you're okay. You're scaring me a little by not updating.....I hope you're well.
from drahmaqueen :
It's really neat when you hear someone else's perspective on your life. It sometimes differs from your own. My perception is that I am chasing happiness. It is nice to know you think I have it. I have my fleeting moments. You get well sweetie. I know you are on the upside of the down. Me too. xxoo P.S. I am going to print your quote in my notes in large font and put it on my mirror. I loved it.
from drahmaqueen :
"That when the inside is whole and complete, the outside will be too." You said this and I believe it too. You have hit bottom and the only place left to go now is up. You can do it. xxoo Thanks for letting me peek into your life. I am going to hold on to your quote and let it spill over into my life. Jen
from nimiiwin :
Did you decide to unlock? I went to the old journal, got a link to this one and got right in!
from noaddedme :
I kind of like your new nickname being Flatliner ... although I think if I'm gonna be the hooker, you still need to be the whore :) ha ha ha!
from not-tuesday :
I knew you would!
from xnavygrrl :
Man. I don't know what to say, except I'm happy you came back. You poor thing! You have been through so much...
from sassers :
Hi. Come back. Where are you? I hope you are feeling ok. Thinking of you.
from jenniam :
LOL We haven't got that far but I am sure we will!! :)
from jenniam :
I posted them to Flickr ;) just for YOU
from jenniam :
you are right---there is a LOT in common :) NY'er here getting married in Maine ;)
from seekingme :
Yes my therapist has told me that same thing, she said it about MyEX and about Eagle. I really don't think I'm in love with Eagle's potential. I just want more out of life than what she is (sofar) able to provide. However, I'm not in a big hurry right now. I do know myself well enough to know that when I've reached my limit, I will leave or do whatever it takes to remedy the situation. I am not worried about when right now. Does that make sense?
from jenniam :
Thank you for saying the things I want to say but am scared to.
from not-tuesday :
Well, I almost bought it today...but I thought that maybe I would only be buying it because you told me to and not because I actually wanted it. So, I went with Johnny Cash instead.
from janetplnetoc :
Tonight I wish I lived in NYC or you is So Cal because I would so be there right now and I would bring Heidi with me and we would make you laugh until you pee and you're high on life and realize that you don't need the drugs or alcohol or cutting. It's so hard to do for yourself but friends seem to always be able to do this for each other.
from soccernut :
Oh Abby... call me if you need to talk. B~
from not-tuesday :
I just bought Sushi for Beginners--need to get around to actually reading it though. And, no, I don't have the new Madonna cd.
from soccernut :
You are good. Love his voice. Adore this song.
from soccernut :
Awwwwwww.... You are so sweet! Abby, girlfreind, it was s-c-a-r-y, I'll tell ya, but I feel so much better that I actually did it! We need to make plans to get together SOON! xo B~
from sassers :
But we are lesbatrons, so I thought we could just skip all of that and I could just show up in NYC with my UHaul and we would go from there. Also, I like 'em older. They know more.
from sassers :
Um...I was under the impression that we already *were* going to be married at a yet-undisclosed location and time.
from xnavygrrl :
Awww honey. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad!!!! I wish there was something I could say to boost your spirits...but know, hundreds of miles away, I just said a prayer for you.
from vina-apsara :
Love those marathon pictures! Don't beat yourself up for not participating, I'm not into running for 6 hours straight myself (5 hours being a generous timing I'm giving myself given my current lack of fitness, haha). I kind of like Pedro as a cat name. Can't think of another one for you.
from janetplnetoc :
Maybe you could name him Marathon? And he could inspire you? He's very cute! Oh, and I want to start running again too, wanna be internet running buddies?
from xnavygrrl :
Congratulations on your third step and for moving toward your fourth! By the way, thanks for your support. It really means a lot to me.
from eedann :
Be my guest.
from eedann :
Thanks so much for the welcome! You sound pretty fabulous yourself.
from soccernut :
Sweetie, I don't care if 9.8 pounds is water weight or whatever, but it is absolutely a wonderful incentive for you, isn't it? Congratulations. I know this means a lot to you, so I am VERY happy for you. You must feel great. Congratulations. xoxo B ~~~~
from adventuresof :
!!!!I actually just saw it a couple weeks ago. I thought it was amazing....
from sassers :
Hot photo of the brudder. I like the tatter. I was thinking of a chai someplace, but I don't like pain. I do, however, like you.
from soccernut :
Congrats on your new place and on leaving all that baggage behind! Take this as an opportunity to start fresh - it's amzing how many oppotunities life gives us when we are ready to receive them! xo B~
from seekingme :
Hey there! Congrats on moving into the new place. I'm sure it feels great! I've been super busy and just now getting caught up on my reads. Things seem to be going well for you...that's great.
from flowermouths :
I just read your entry about needing to lose weight. Losing weight is really hard to do... or maybe it is for me, because I'm on medication that makes me gain weight. I'm not at a breaking point about my weight, because I quit smoking 3 months ago and I'm still dealing with that plus trying to stay afloat in school, which is hard with the depression. But I've decided I'm going to start going to the gym again... so at least that's a start. Basically, I know how you feel. Hang in there, sister!
from adventuresof :
I know that's true...it's just hard to do sometimes, you know?
from vina-apsara :
Congrats on the move!
from janetplnetoc :
I know you have always wanted some family in California. So come and join mine. They are very open and welcome everyone who wanders in the doors. Plus, I frequently miss family gatherings at holidays (like when I take off to DC) and NO ONE gives me grief.
from not-tuesday :
Ha! I was thinking the very same thing.
from xnavygrrl :
Congrats on the move and your coming out anniversary! Thanks too for always being a friend to me, Abby.
from redsilk3825 :
Good luck on the big move. And congrats on the 10 years. Seems like a long road you have travelled... =L=
from soccernut :
Happy National Coming Out Day!! Sorry that I've been MIA but I suffered a bad car accident and until now I didn't have access to a computer. Hope all is well - I'll read ur entries later - seems like I have a lot of catching up to do! Take care -- B~
from adventuresof :
If you're looking for something to read, you should read Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I just started it and so far it's pretty good.
from surrey-grrl :
thank you for your note. it meant a lot to me. And you're right (of course). Thank you. How did you get to be so wise? :)
from adventuresof :
Hey, thanks for the note! would you mind sending me your password? my email is [email protected].....
from not-tuesday :
Well, there must be something NOT wrong with it...
from not-tuesday :
What's wrong with chick music?
from not-tuesday :
I know, I know...it was a bad idea. Never again. But yes, I do need to figure out why I keep being attracted to people like her. It doesn't make sense to me. The nice, sweet people who probably be perfect for me don't interest me or stick around. Only the people who have more issues than me are willing to give me a chance.
from konzadiary :
Hey Abby! Gosh. I missed your birthday. Sorry, like everyone else, wrapped up in my own shit. But I'm playing catchup with your diary today. Congratulations, you have managed to string together 364 One-Day-At-A-Times!
from redsilk3825 :
Thanx for the welcome... No defition would seem to fit me - or maybe selfsexual would work (u know - homosexual, hetrosexual, selfsexual etc... lol thanx again
from vina-apsara :
Ignore her. IT. Enjoy the brownie!
from not-tuesday :
You would put a link to diary on the day I put a picture up of my ass. But anyway, you are gorgeous Abby. I wish you wouldn't think so bad of yourself. I've never personally been through the binging and purging. So, I don't understand it. And I know I'm not skinny by any means, but I just don't care about that. I am who I am and I accept that. Why would anyone not want to hug you? I know that if I could, you would get a big hug from me everytime I saw you. Hugs are my way of showing that I appreciate you and I appreciate your friendship very much.
from seekingme :
Well your apartment looks awesome! For the rest of your entry, all I can say is, I feel you. I have been eating out of control too lately, and not doing any exercise, and I feel like crud. But I'm sending you whatever motivication I can, because they say out you give out you get back, right? Hang in there. And the ephedra? Not a good idea. I know the effect they've had on Eagle and she say they are the hardest things she ever had to get off of, plus they trigger use of more stuff. But again, I know you already know that, and I don't want to sound preachy....take care of yourself and I'm sending you out mucho love.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm so sorry. You really are going through a lot right now. I too have issues with eating. I don't know how to stop. Please stop yourself before you get big like me, if you can. It is so miserable being this heavy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am really praying you get through this tough time.
from seekingme :
Congrats! I am so sorry not to have gotten here sooner, but work's got me hopping and I don't have internet access at home right now. By the way, Eagle doesn't have email right now either. So...when we get set back up I'll email you with her new email. She could really use your knowledge and experience to get through this. You rock!
from not-tuesday :
Of course you count...you're FABULOUS!
from surrey-grrl :
Happy Anny!!!! I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! (Mike and I sent our thoughts to you last night, and while we'll never meet, we are both UBER impressed at your strength)
from whereibegin :
Happy anniversary! I knew you could do it! I'm so proud of you, and I can't wait to hear about your day. CONGRATS!
from vina-apsara :
CONGRATULATIONS, hon. Be proud of yourself. You're an inspiration.
from vina-apsara :
Love your new couch! Very comfy-looking.
from xnavygrrl :
I wish there was something I could say....but there are no words...(hugs)
from vina-apsara :
Hang in there, babe. We all have "ugly" days that have nothing to do with how we look to others but everything to do with how we see ourselves. Those days are painful, but we must give ourselves a chance and live another day. ((hugs))
from seekingme :
Sending you supportive thoughts with regard to that party. I know it would be a bummer and a half not to be able to go....but....and you know the rest. Hang in there. I know you'll do whatever you feel is best for you. If it's any incentive, I'm a great fan of your sobriety, as a great example of someone who made it. A year clean is remarkable....good job.
from soccernut :
I am SO happy for you! Can't wait to check out the new place!!!!! :) B~
from nimiiwin :
:blush: Thanks! :)
from vina-apsara :
Cool! Duets are most welcome. :-)
from nimiiwin :
Aw, you're sweet. But what's a MILF? I can't even begin to think: Middle-Aged Indian Longtime Femme? What? :)
from nimiiwin :
LOL Demi Moore as me? I like it! Of course, I'd probably have thought more of someone like Daphne Zuniga who vaguely resembles me but no one knows. :)
from sassers :
OOOOOh. Cast me! I am Sassers, the daily devoted reader poised to come on a Fung Wah bus to make out with you. Maybe Ricki Lake could play me...
from hothead :
heh...i just caught myself wondering which would be more trouble to bring home to your parents: the girly femme shiksa, or the genderqueer israeli? that sounds like one hell of a gender expression, but you know...could be fun, indeed. :)
from nimiiwin :
I wish I could be there! I'd love to celebrate with you!
from not-tuesday :
I know! I just can't stop wanting to make out with people.
from not-tuesday :
*raises hand* I'll make out with you!
from sassers :
Liora is outta here, as you know, so there is no one to put the smack down. Do you like Chinatown-a-Chinatown buses? You can be here in 4 hours!
from sassers :
MEMEMEMEMEMEME! I wish to make out with you, even though I am not a Latina chick.
from heidiann :
Psssssst...guess what? I fucking worship all things Dolly. The woman can do no wrong.
from soccernut :
Oh Abby - I forgive you for this last post. Thank God for Madonna - is all I have to say! LOL - PS: I'm glad you guys had fun. The pics are awesome!
from xnavygrrl :
:) I know. Stupid isn't it? Fighting over a guy..and Lisa wasn't interested in him that way anyway! I swear I thought she was a lesbian. Even my gaydar went off when I was around her.....
from not-tuesday :
Abby, you are NOT a freak. I believe I am the same way as you, in the way that I'm always seeking attention.
from seekingme :
Thank you so very much for your note. I was starting to get so discouraged hearing her. I know I said all the encouraging stuff to her, but I didn't really feel it. I am so afraid that she is right. That she will be miserable clean and sober and it won't work....thank you. I will pass along your message to her and maybe, just maybe, she'll write you sometime. Thanks again.
from xnavygrrl :
You are beautiful, inside and out. And imperfection? It's what's makes you Abby. If I were a lesbian, I'd be beating down your door. You are such a dish, dear!
from nimiiwin :
Just remember: you can't compare your insides to someone else's outside. It may be that she isn't "a psycho" but you don't know what her "stuff" is. After all, Ginger wouldn't tell you, would she?
from whereibegin :
Thank you for your sweet note - I appreciate the validation! I'm glad you had such a terrific day/weekend. You are doing so great, girl. From my perspective, as someone who's read your journal for over two years now and who has travelled along with you in spirit, I see what enormous strides you've made and what great potential you have for the future. I am and remain so proud of you.
from not-tuesday :
Interesting, is a good choice of words. But I will say, it is a very pretty state, nature wise, once you look past the rednecks.
from not-tuesday :
I'm going to take a wild guess and say the only reason you have visited Arkansas is was because you were on your way to Texas, right? I don't really believe there's any other to come here.
from nimiiwin :
Okay you *liked* Napoleon Dynamite and *hated* Hitch? I'll never understand it. :)
from flowermouths :
I'd be reeeeally interested to hear ALL about your thesis on margaret atwood. [email protected].
from heidiann :
If we're ever in the same room together...it's SO on!
from vina-apsara :
Your cat - my God, what a darling. Keep him away from me unless he loves being squeezed!
from surrey-grrl :
Can I give you totally unsolicited advice? Of course I can! :) If you are AT ALL uncomfortable with going to the 'primer' then don't go. It will probably put you in a bad mood for the rest of the night, and who wants that? Anyways, that's my 2 cents.
from heidiann :
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Giant furry kitty belly!!! And mega huge congrats on your one year!
from flowermouths :
You know, I take it back. Right after I left you that note, I remembered that a friend of the family is in a stop smoking support group... she mentioned something about it a couple months ago. Thanks for reminding me! :)
from flowermouths :
I've never heard of any stop smoking cigarette support groups... I guess that doesn't mean they don't have them... have you heard of them?
from flowermouths :
You ARE pretty amazing. Actually, really amazing. I think so every time I read your diary. Got any tips to help me quit smoking? (cigarettes)
from not-tuesday :
You ARE an amazing person, Abby. I've thought that of you since I met you. You're one of the greatest people I know. And you look just beautiful in those pictures. Please don't be so down on yourself.
from hothead :
yes, same email. and by the way...dragprincess huh? i thought that was MY forte. :) go on and work it, girl...
from hothead :
oh, this is too funny. i just got your comment, and was so unbelievably impressed that i just HAD to find the author. and THEN i thought, wow...we have the exact same friends list! crazy! and then came the IM screen name, and it all made sense. so i didn't exactly mean to find your secret place on the web, but your secret's safe with me. as for that comment you left, thank you. is it wrong to say that i'm a little shocked to know that it came from you? i don't mean that to be insulting, it's just that you've come so far...you should be very proud. thanks again. i needed that. :)
from flowermouths :
a therapist I'd had recommended for yourself by lonnie barbach to me because my experiences with sex were all about, "am I good enough, good enoug for him, what does he want...." nothing about what I wanted. This book made me see how masturbation can be used as a way to find out what really turns you on and take that into partnered sex. also, of course it's good on it's own merits... I've been sexually active since I was 16 and if I had not been masturbating up to that point and after i never would've had an orgasm. Please yourself first! then please others! I highly recommend for yourself by lonnie barbach
from sassers :
Mmm. Masterbation. However the hell you spell it. Good stuff. One of my earliest memories is my mother saying, "Dirty hands don't go there." That stuff can screw with you for years. "Sex for One"--Betty Dodson "Tickle Your Fancy"--Sadie Allison "For Yourself"--Lonnie Barbach "Big Book of Masturbation"--Martha Cornog
from flowermouths :
the dog in your picture is SMILINING!!! And it's such a warm, human smile, creepy but cute, mostly cute... that dog is so cute!
from soccernut :
Love your pic composition! (I'm telling you - I love this new camera of yours!) ~ Particularly, the picture of the Maltepoo - I have one too - aren't they the best?! I'm sure you have gotten used to it, but the food in your workplace looks like it's to die for. Gosh, addicted to food the way I am, I'd be eating the stuff all day long. Ugh. Good thing I don't work there! Thanks for sharing! :) ~ B. Bella
from mcmenses :
Hey girl---have you read "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs? If not, you really need to...like right now. I think you'd appreciate it.
from flowermouths :
Do you know where I can get a guestbook without paying a startup fee? thanks
from soccernut :
I love it that with the new digital camera, your diary now has lots and lots of pictures!!! LOVE IT!
from flowermouths :
I just got into your diary now so I just read about your grandfather. I'm very sorry. Has anyone close to you ever died before? I'd like to say it gets better, but it doesn't. the good news is, you learn, you grow. And you learn to accept. Peace.
from surrey-grrl :
That is one cute pussy! (Cat, that is)
from konzadiary :
Bowie is a hottie! Me-ow!
from seekingme :
My thoughts go out to you and the ones you care for.
from vina-apsara :
I know how you feel, baby. ((Hugs))
from konzadiary :
Abby, if you've got any email addy's for the Londoners, try email. It's working much better than phones.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm blinking back the tears this morning. When I woke up this morning, my radio was on and MJ was saying there had been 6 explosions in London. My heart just dropped. I don't know anyone there except Ms. PurpleBanana from diaryland....but my heart is with the people of London all the same. Many prayers that those you love are okay...and I'm sending you a hug too. You're my friend..and I hope you're okay.
from soccernut :
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Bella
from konzadiary :
Condolences Abby. Be strong. Try to see that your mom is maybe not so cold, but really does have a lot of shit to deal with right now. Curl up with kitty and get some furry love.
from not-tuesday :
I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather, Abby *HUGS*
from vina-apsara :
So sorry to hear about your grandfather. I'm sure he knows how much you love him. I hope you and your family will pull through. P.S. Thanks for your sweet note.
from konzadiary :
I am no one's doormat---just a friendly reminder from your internet therapist...Crying is good and healthy, Abby. It's a major release of the kinds of internal chemicals that drive us to do abusive things to ourselves if we suppress those chemicals. I too had a time when the people around me attempted to refuse me the necessity of crying and I would take a shower and just bawl my eyes out rather than keep it in any longer. Thank heavens I no longer have to do that! I'm so sorry about your grandfather. Do take some time over the next week to sit down and write him a letter. Tell him all the things you would say if you were sitting down with him, even the hard things that you might not say to his face are easier put down in a letter. You never have to give him the letter, you never even have to show it to anyone else unless you decide you want to, but I guarantee you will feel better giving voice to your thoughts, to having them out of your mind and on paper. It's almost like a 4th step exercise. Always when you can't talk about it at least write about it, get it out.
from gettingnaked :
Hang in there, girl. Death is traumatic enough all on its own without throwing other stressors into the mix. You're doing great.
from soccernut :
I am so sorry about your grandfather... I am going thru something similar in that my grandma (who raised me and is like a mother to me) is very sick. Since she is in another country, I know and feel the same feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness, as you do. My prayers are with you and your family.
from konzadiary :
And remember, "I am no one's doormat." THIS INCLUDES YOUR FAMILY.
from konzadiary :
Abby, you can ask for help from someone other than your sponsor too. You don't need to go through this difficult time alone, that's what ALL THOSE PHONE NUMBERS ARE FOR!!!!! Don't you dare accept that because your sponsor is not available that no one is available. I refuse to accept that you are so shy and introverted that you cannot reach out to save your own life (for this IS what we are talking about girl---your life is on the line). Today I worked in my yard most of the day, away from the phone. There were two hang-ups on my answering machine. When I attending my women's meeting tonight two of the women spoke about the horrific day they had and rather than go it alone, they picked up the phone and dialed through their lists until they got a live person to answer a phone. And they made it. One of them had actually bought a bottle by the time she got someone to answer her call and together the two sisters in aa were able to return the alcohol and find something to distract the intense need to use. You can do this.
from xnavygrrl :
Keep the faith doll. You can do it!
from konzadiary :
Hey Abby. You sound good in spite of a food binge and harassment by nut cases. Must be the Celexa...Keep in mind sweetie, it's the last step that says 'having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps'. Key there is 'result of these'. You don't get the soft, chewy center without getting through the hard candy first. That's eleven steps away. THIS IS NOT TO SAY YOU WILL NOT EXPERIENCE MANY SMALL SPIRITUAL AWAKENINGS ON YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS THE 12TH STEP!!!!! But if you are looking for the big-bang awakening, remember, this is a journey of PROGRESS not perfection. It comes in dribs and drabs. Anyone who tells you different is blowing sunshine up your ass. Remember also: "I am no one's doormat."
from seekingme :
Thank you for the good wishes! By the way, I've lost your password. Could you email it to me again? Thanks!
from nimiiwin :
I love hearing you find good things to say about yourself! I love how you are so insightful. Good for you, princess, good for you!
from jerryjayray :
I've missed you too, Abby. I just caught up on your journal and I'm so happy to see your strength and self-knowledge growing entry by entry. You sound very real, if that makes any sense.
from heidiann :
I've forgotten your password. Damn my shoddy memory! Would you mind resending? Thank you! =) xoxoxox
from mcmenses :
Hey Abby, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. Congrats! I'm just catching up on entries for the past few weeks, so bear with me. You asked about meds: I have found that 40mg of Prozac and 60mg of Buspar(split am/pm)has worked for me for years now. My thinking is a lot less foggy when I can clear away the dark thoughts, I can get up and do something, which subsequently raises my mood (staying active). Keep trying the meds until you find the right "cocktail"; it took me a long time to find the right thing for me.
from not-tuesday :
Congratulations, Abby. I'm very proud of you.
from xnavygrrl :
Yay!! I am so happy for you. You have worked very hard for this and have come so far. Don't stop now!
from vina-apsara :
Darling if I knew where to find you I would. Congrats on your 9 months!
from konzadiary :
Good girl!
from konzadiary :
"My friends looked shocked, but said nothing?" Hmmmm. I'm sorry, but I think there is something wrong with that. Are they that cowed that it's going to take you shouting out, "This is wrong," before they join a chorus? I have an assignment for you. Go to your mirror every day for the next 67 days. Look yourself in the eye and say, "I am no one's doormat." Why 67 days? Because studies show it takes 67 repetitions of something for the mind to truly grasp it. Go, start right now.
from konzadiary :
..and give kitty a hug from me...
from konzadiary :
btw...try going to meetings in los angeles. I don't think there is a single meeting that doesn't have a celebrity in attendance at some point during the week. My fav...meetings with steven tyler. He is a hoot. Hey, in the podunk town I live in, when you get arrested they put your full name and address in the paper. I read it so I can see the DUI's and figure out who the newcomers are going to be in advance. This is also why many folks here introduce themselves by their first AND last names...they've already been outed in the paper!
from konzadiary :
Dammit. The next time you wanna cut, pick up that piece of furry unconditional love and cuddle. That's what it's there for. Who will take care of furry if you're out of commission. Huh? Huh?
from seekingme :
Thank you for your note and you're right. I just have such a hard time letting go. I will do what I have to do, eventually. This I know without a doubt.
from surrey-grrl :
There is nothing I can say that will change how you feel, but please know I am sending you pleasant thoughts and love though this message.
from konzadiary :
Just keep doing what you're doing. Change is hard, you have years of patterns to break, but I promise it does get easier, it's just not going to happen as fast as you would like.
from konzadiary :
Yippee! Furry, unconditional love. If that isn't a reason to get up each day and stay sober, I don't know what is. So spill girl, how'd the speaking go? Personally, I find it liberating.
from surrey-grrl :
You never stop making me proud of you! Relish that feeling of "normalicy." And give kitty a hug for me.
from xnavygrrl :
My pal, keep the password handy. It's only for a week that i gotta keep everyone locked out. I'm on a mission. They messed with the wrong female!
from not-tuesday :
Congrats on the raise!! That really is HUGE. I think you handled everything really well, good for you. By the way, I love Jane Greene.
from femmemama :
No, I agree with you. That's why I got mad about it in the first place. "sneaking around" is having an affair or spending all our money or ... like that. But not checking out a therapist to see if I like her before I mention it to anyone.
from not-tuesday :
You should do the same. New people are kind of like a new start, they can add a lot to your life. I'm scared to death but I'm so excited! I've had the same friends around here since high school and I need something more. And I think they're the right people.
from nimiiwin :
You're exactly right! That books cracks me up every time I read it and I think I've read it about 20 times now. :)
from sarafem :
I looked through all your entries and I didn't see your hot pics. I didn't see any pics. Point me.
from surrey-grrl :
To repeat what the other goddesses have said...a near miss is still a miss. They don't call it "one day at a time" just 'cause it sounds cool. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And there are plenty of other great places to meet women that don't involve the party scene. Try going to seminars, classes, expos, etc, on subjects that intrest you, so even if you don't meet someone, you have walked away with something you didn't walk in with.
from vina-apsara :
A near miss is still a miss, hun. Damn, I can't even give up smoking properly. 2 weeks and then I'm back, then a couple of days and back again. You continue to inspire me through your strength. Be proud of yourself and trust that the Higher Power will guide you.
from whereibegin :
I, for one, am not disappointed in you - I'm PROUD of you! Seriously, girl, this is such a big victory for you. Okay, so you put yourself in the path of temptation, but YOU DIDN'T USE. You did not succumb. You made it through a difficult situation and stayed strong. And I am so proud of you. I think it's okay to be a little mad at yourself for knowingly going to a place that would be a trigger, but let's look at the bigger picture - you made it through without using! You did it! Score one more for the good guys! So take what you've learned from this and let the guilty feelings go. You've earned it. Much love... :)
from xnavygrrl :
Thanks for the love, and support, and for always cheering me on. I swear, if I was gay, you'd be so on my list!
from mcmenses :
No, don't watch the L Word. Not only is it the most unrealistic portrayal of lesbians I have ever seen, but also features soft-focus, het male type gratuitous sex. It's such total bullshit, and it sucks that we have to settle for this cause there's no other lesbian shows on tv. It just makes me feel bad about myself, and like I'm some kind of underachiever. You don't need that shit.
from sassers :
Yes I second the you-look-amazing vibe. P.S. That seder/dance party idea is a good one. Happy Passover to you!
from xnavygrrl :
abby, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm so very proud of what you done. And don't sell yourself short. Being honest about your feelings is a good thing, even if a particular feeling isn't something that you see as positive. :)
from heidiann :
Yay! Thank you for letting me in. =)
from whereibegin :
I'm so glad you posted pictures - and by the by, you look AMAZING! I think the last picture I saw of you was with your dog... would that be right? You look like a COMPLETELY different person - happier and healthier. Recovery is working for you, and I am SO PROUD of all the good work you're doing. Girl, you rock!
from not-tuesday :
"Somedays I wonder if I was left out when they passed out the manual to everyone else on how to live like a normal and functioning human being." I think I was asleep.
from nimiiwin :
Don't you just love people who know exactly what YOU should be doing? And they barely know you? wtf-ever. That's all I gots ta say. :)
from not-tuesday :
I am proud.
from seekingme :
Thanks for your notes. I am glad that you can identify with Eagle, it makes it easier for me to as well....if that makes any sense at all. But you sound like you're doing really well and I'm very proud of you. I hope that one day Eagle will be on the same road you are. Thanks!
from oldmaid :
currently, i'm in columbus, ohio. my family is down near cinci...
from konzadiary :
Hey sweetie...sorry to be absent so long and I'm afraid I have to be absent another week so I posted a short update at my diary. So far it sounds like you are surviving the roller coaster. Good deal. I like the new diary, thank you for letting me in. I'm off to my mom's for a much needed vacation. I'll check in when I return.
from not-tuesday :
I'm not a big hugger either. I'll hug my family or people I'm intimate with but I can't hug my close friends or strangers. Is that weird?
from not-tuesday :
That's good to know you feel that way. Because I think the same of you.
from not-tuesday :
You know, as hard and crazy as your life can be sometimes, I read your diary and I wish I were part of it. I'm probably not the sanest person you should have in your life, but I have this want to be someone you would call if you needed someone to talk to.
from not-tuesday :
Aww, thanks. It's good to meet people just like me.
from ginfizz17 :
Hey - I thought that was you. May I please have access? Hope all is well!
from not-tuesday :
You remember what you told me when I was having my fits about people not calling me and me thinking it was because I did something wrong and they hate me? "You have no control over others' actions." I just now completely understand how thinking that way is self-centered. And I probably wouldn't have realized it without you. I'm so glad to be reading your diary again. You're normal and I'm so happy you hit the 7 month mark. That's great. I know you'll continue to keep it up.
from nimiiwin :
You can do it, Abby. You can totally do it. These feelings *are* "normal." Normal for an addict. And that's why you have friends in recovery to help you navigate the muddy waters of healing. You're gonna get through it.
from not-tuesday :
You read me. Can I read you?
from surrey-grrl :
Thank you for honoring me with your locked diary. This time of year seems to bring out the desire to relapse in people. It's strange. Remember, it's not about failures, but accomplishments. Yes, you slipped...but then you got on the phone and got help. Yes, you thought about using again...but you didn't. Yes, things were very bad for a very long time...but you're taking steps to help yourself. Don't take points away from yourself for the bad thoughts/actions, but give yourself points when you cope healthily.
from vina-apsara :
Hi. Thanks for adding me on your favourites list. Can I have access to your diary?
from xnavygrrl :
:) I care about you. I hope today will be better than yesterday. I'm thinking of you....
from notaboutthin :
so can I have access then? [email protected] ...

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