messages to ethereal-red:
(click here to add new message):

from angel-scar :
Hey there. I don't know if you remember me or not, but u left a note for me explaining that you are friends with my friend Emily.M. Anyways...years back i lost contact with her and i'm trying to contact her again. She is very important to me. I love and miss her very much. Could u please let her know that i still think of her. I am angel scar on facebook as well. : ) Thank you ~ Angel
from xxplaydeadxx :
I have no idea if you check this anymore, but we haven't talked in forever, and I have absolutely no clue where you're writing now, or if you even write anywhere. Hope you're ok. <3
from illusionless :
Hello, I finally caught up on your diary. A lot has happened. Good luck in starting school nad everything. :)
from illusionless :
No problem. We're all busy this time of year it seems.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Did it make you feel like poo when you were younger? I didn't know until like less than two years ago that it actually meant 'hey, I'm clean at least'. But it still sucks. I had long ass hair when I was little, and we had to chop it off. But that made me happy b/c I'd been begging for a hair cut for like ever. ;) Did you have long hair too? The fucking lice combs suck! And then they still miss a bunch of shit and you just end up having to pick it out with your nails and it's like RAWR!!! >.< Have I already asked you about the you working 7 1/2 hours a week thing??
from xxplaydeadxx :
Well, thank you, I like the name Asa too. But apparently we're the only two. Decided on Ziggy. =] Which is cute. Yeah, they're funny pets to have. Two of them are really pissy most of the time though. I'm not the first owner though, so that could explain it. The daddy is pretty chill though. =] So how come it's been so long since you'd been on? How has everyting thing been stressful? Is everyting ok??? I just went to see if the comments 'you' posted on my myspace were there, so I could tell you what they said, but they've disappeared, which is odd because I didn't delete them. =/ Hm. Ummm...yeah. I haen't been doing so wonderful. B/c my teeth are all fucked up, and my back, and just ahhh. Family. It's all just a big pain in the ass that I would love to not have to deal with. I don't want any damn root canals, I don't want back surgery. >.< *sigh*
from xxplaydeadxx :
Has your myspace been getting hacked? I've gotten two weird comments now saying to type shit into the address bar thing. =/ What kind of animal is Phoebe? Another hamster? Were they named already when you got them?? You should help me come up with a name for my baby sugar glider, since no one else is. It's a boy. Only thing I've thought of and really like so far is Asa. Haley doesn't much like that name though. =/
from illusionless :
Thanks. Wow in all caps too. I feel special!
from xxplaydeadxx :
After reading your blog thingy I really wanna make stuff. ;) How come you cooked those things? In my dream the other night, I had to ask you for advice. I was in an ED clinic and me and one of the girls saw another girl hiding her food, and we didn't know what to do, so I asked you. :) And you told me that I needed to tell someone b/c it could affect my recovery and that you didn't want that to happen. A bunch of weird shit happened in that dream...Not saying that it was weird to ask you for advice of course. :)
from illusionless :
Wow thanks for remembering. I just wrote an entry on how I did. I'm officially a college graduate! Wooohoo!! I can't wait to hear how your new college experience is going to be. :)
from illusionless :
It was amazing to read through and really see how far you've come in the past years. How much you've grown and evolved and learned. Life will continue to be like that, so enjoy the ride! I'm so proud of you.
from illusionless :
I think it went ok. Thanks for asking. I don't find out until May 8th.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, she's so full of it. There's no such thing as a phase, or at least I don't think so. And you don't choose to be gay. I read your note to her too. Exactly. why the hell would anyone CHOOSE to have it hard? Being gay is a pain in the ass. And I don't think that anyone would choose to be gay. Anyway. I didn't cut. I really wanted to. Bad. But I fought it. go me. :)
from illusionless :
That's great advice. I think once I move it will be easier to make a fresh start in that area and others in a new city. I will keep looking online for different hair cuts for sure.
from anorexicmeg :
Everyone has their opinions...thus, I would not delete your opinion. I guess, I feel the way I do b/c I was bi once and it was just a phase. I have friends who are gay n they say it is by choice. I don't feel gay people should be treated the way they r. That was not what I meant in my blog. I'm sorry if you took it that way.
from illusionless :
Thanks! I'm really pleased with it too. :) It's ok I've been absent too for long periods of time. Life happens right? Question, I know this is a strange one but do you know anything about hairstyles and the types of faces they'd look good on? or know anyone who does know about those kinds of things? I have a square face and I'm looking for a short butch or androgynous type haircut something less femenine if anything. I've tried asking hair stylists at salons but they keep pushing me towards femanine type hairstyles and I was wondering if you knew anyone who'd be more understanding or knowledgeable of what I'm looking for. lol sorry to rant. I'm just looking for information and pictures of hairstyles (I've looked online), so I can just walk into my salon and say THIS is what I want, go too it please! lol. If you don't know that's cool too. Thanks. I hope work is going well for you. I love your new journal by the way it looks gorgeous. ttyl.
from xxplaydeadxx :
The stupid computer keeps fucking up every time I try to leave a note. Grrrr. Um you have to go to that stupid chicks profile to get to her notes. *sigh* I'm having a hard time catching up on people's diaries. Can you pleeeeeeeeeease please please tell me basically what's been up since I left Amanda's???
from illusionless :
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. It seems to be the time of year for rough patches, but don't worry you'll get through it because you are strong. You can talk to me anytime as well. I'm always here.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh yeah, what's up with your blog thingy? =/
from xxplaydeadxx :
I was living with my mom. I explained a lot of what's happened in the last however many months it's been since I last updated. Insanity. I'm living with Haley now. =D I missed you. I seriously wrote you a letter, then lost you address. Then found it, and lost the fucking letter. That's how it always goes. Everytime I write someone a letter. >.< I had no way to get to a computer. I didn't even see after my last update in September. I'm sorry if you worried any. :(
from illusionless :
Thanks for the well wishes. It's sad, but I'll survive. Also can you please send me the link to your wordpress diary so I can save it as a fave on my new computer? I love the look of it by the way, so bright and cheery. Thanks. :)
from illusionless :
Sounds cool. Maybe I should check it out. I'm looking forward to reading it. I haven't had a chance yet since my internet has been down. It just got fixed tonight. I hope you enjoy it there. :)
from illusionless :
Thanks. Most of the time I don't think I'm less than either. It just all came crashing down and I suddenly REALLY felt that way for the brief time I was upset. Thanks for the uplift. How come you moved to Wordpress?
from ungenderless :
Hey, I was just wondering if you were still here, of if you had a new e-hang out. You were one of my favorite people on Diaryland.
from enurta :
if we got a divorce, he would want to be friends with me. he has always said that i am his best friend no matter what, but I would not be able to be his friend if he left me. it would hurt too much. to be honest, nobody knows about this but I would probably kill myself if he left. he is all i have in this world. he is the reason i wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. i love him. i can't live without him. i can't imagine being here...without him. i just can't. maybe that is selfish i don't know. it's just the way i feel.
from illusionless :
Thank you! :D
from illusionless :
Haha funny story. When I lived in a rental house with my dad as a teenager there was a nasty smell in my room too and it ended up being a dead mouse, but we never found out what it was until the day we moved out. That was gross! Well I think it's all the water leakage and the wet carpet in my room. It's a musty kind of smell. It isn't drying for some reason and there was major leakage a few days ago (as I wrote in my diary). That's probably what the smell is.
from illusionless :
Yeah, I've never dealt with this teacher before and once I'm graduated in April I won't have to deal with her again. My let's play is up now if you wanna hear what I sound like (in video 2 on) I'll be doing plenty more once my computer comes.
from enurta :
then we're in the same boat. I am 65 pounds over-weight. it's a living hell, I've always been skinny. sometimes i feel like i can't take it anymore, that i should just starve myself but I don't want to get sick again! starving only leads to binge eating and purging. my metabolism is really slow because of all the meds, and i am ALWAYS hungry. i hope i'll be able to eat less soon. or else...i am going to get even fatter.
from enurta :
they think it would cost too much money to help someone with 'that much trauma'. they are too scared to help me. they said they haven't tried to help someone like me before, and that they just 'can't do it'. whatever. fuck em'
from illusionless :
What an inspiring entry on weight and loving yourself. You are so strong! You're gonna go so far with that attitude! :)
from illusionless :
Thank you for the nice note. You can vent to me anytime too about weight and other stuff. I'm always here. I haven't seen you on msn much, have you switched? I miss our chats. Take it easy and I wish you luck with the med switch and weight loss.
from illusionless :
Good luck with the job prospect. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. You deserve that job! :) I'm glad you are feeling better. Colds seem to be going around this winter eh? Take care. Also say hi to Myst and Spke for me! :D They are sweeties!
from lawliiet :
Hello. I was wondering if I could perhaps have a password? Thank you.
from illusionless :
Thank you. I should be better in no time! :)
from illusionless :
That sounds awesome! Good luck to you. Also is it ok that I still send you notes here? and will you be linking your new journal to this site or no?
from luxelady :
oh emily. i'm so sad to lose you as a friend in my life - i've been reading you for years! of course i understand that you need to do what you need to do, but are you sure i can't still read you? i don't care if you don't read me. if that's not cool with you then i really wish you the best of luck and all the happiness in the world - and kisses to myst. xx luxe
from luxelady :
Emily!! Where did you go??
from illusionless :
Thanks for inviting me into your new diary.
from enurta :
thanks for the comment. and thanks for reading my diary. it means a lot. btw - I've lost the link to your blog. can u send it to me in a note or something? thanks. xxx
from luxelady :
hey sweetie! i got your card - it is beautiful!! i hope we can pick it up again as pen pals - i really liked writing with you! xx luxe
from luxelady :
I know - isn't it terrible? A lot of it happened when I was sky high in a manic episode, but I don't consider that an excuse. The rest was because I was trying to stop cutting and purging and the impulsiveness came out in spending instead. I guess I can't afford to give up those behavoirs yet. Anyway, that aside, I hope you have a very lovely holiday. xx luxe
from luxelady :
mushroom tempeh stew sounds delish!! i've never tried tempeh - i've always been a little afraid, lol! perhaps you'll share the recipe?? xx luxe
from illusionless :
Thank you. So are you. I am so thrilled to hear about how well you are doing and how strong you are. You are phenomenal and an inspiration to us all.
from illusionless :
Great to hear. I liked your story last year. Will you be posting it anywhere for the public to read or no?
from illusionless :
Thanks. I know it sounds corny but I enjoy tree decorating with my family it gets me all festive and in the Christmas spirit. :) I'm sure your story for NanoWrimo turned out great. I'm sorry you didn't win but what's important is that you had fun writing it and the story is to your liking.
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope he's ok. You're in my thoughts.
from illusionless :
No word from GoodWill yet I'm afraid, but you still never know if something might happen. I'm keeping my hopes up. Thanks for asking.
from illusionless :
I doubt your plot sucks, but I can understand wanting to challenge yourself and write something new. I'm sure whatever you write will be awesome just like your last novel! I'm sorry you've been sick. Chest colds are the worst. I'm proud of you for eating healthy on your own while taking a little vacation from your meal plan that is a huge step! That is awesome! I'm rooting for you all the way here in Canada girl!
from illusionless :
Yeah it's discouraging when the only time I've ever been able to lose weight effectively in my life was by starving or purging. Ever since I've stopped (which was years ago) I can't seem to lose the weight again. I wish you luck in your weight loss journey. The fact that you exercise lots and gain muscle and eat healthily is a great start. As long as you feel good and healthy inside that's all that matters in the end.
from luxelady :
(((((hugs)))) i'm sorry hunny. those kinds of days suck donkey dong. i hope you feel better soon. xx luxe
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your kind note - perhaps if i can get the sobriety thing down - then i can try and get a handle on the SI - you are a wonderful inspiration!
from illusionless :
I was just reading your diary when you left that note. That's so cool! Thanks I agree. The freedom will be better and Ottawa sounds like the eventual right choice right now since all my friends live there I'll have a better social life then I do in this town. You sound so good lately. I know I say this alot but I'm so proud of you!
from luxelady :
hey sugar - lamictal question - did it ever give you headaches? i'm getting pretty bad ones - if so, do they eventually go away? thanks hun.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'ma call you as soon as I get a phone. ^-^
from illusionless :
Thank you. I feel like I have been lacking that strength lately, but hopefully it will return. I just feel really messed up lately and I'm scared that I will never have the courage or willpower to move forward. I'm starting to lose hope in myself and that's never a good thing. I hope this passes soon. Thank you for your kind words. I am so happy that you are doing well. You are my inspiration.
from enurta :
yeah....i know.
from illusionless :
Thanks. I think so too. It's just finding those people who are like that. I'm glad you are enjoying life and keeping busy. You are still such an inspiration to me. Keep it up!
from thatgirlx :
Try conditioner. I use it when I don't have shaving cream and it works pretty good.
from thatgirlx :
Thank you. I have Borderline Personality Disorder too (among other things.) I'll have to check into something like that.
from thatgirlx :
What kind of group are you? I'm thinking about joining some support groups myself but I'm a little scared...Does it help?
from illusionless :
Congrats on not purging and being able to feel full without resorting to drastic measures. I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work! You are so strong.
from illusionless :
You're right about the depressive episode and they're so hard to fight... I hope I don't slip any further then I already have now.
from lovelynight :
Sadly, no, I won't see Judy during the school year. My school is in a different state from where I live. I might see her when I come home for breaks, but it's possible that I won't see her until next summer. Too bad, eh? I will have Marilyn when I'm at school, though, so it'll be OK. :)
from luxelady :
sweetie!! i'm so PROUD of you!!! being so full (especially of liquid!) is so hard to fight. but you did! and you WON! you are an inspiration to me. i hope you know that. and you're right about the cutting. *sigh* so much to learn. ps - keep an eye on your mailbox! ;-)
from thatgirlx :
Hi, this is Danielle's friend, Angel. I was wondering if I could have the PW? [email protected] Thanks!
from illusionless :
I'm sure it is. Thank you for giving me hope that it will be rewarding once it comes. Life is a scary thing. How do you find the courage to get through the hard times? and I read about you considering acupuncture. Good for you if that's what you want. I read up on it because I wasn't clear on what it was and it doesn't sound like something I'd do but it doesn't sound dangerous at all, so I say go for it if you want to. I wish you luck.
from illusionless :
Dad said that as long as I was a student he'd pay my cell bill for me. I was supposed to get it switched to my name and I start paying it and I will be come New Years, but this sudden kind gesture really threw me for a loop! Trust me it's more rewarding when you pay your own bills. In college I had to pay all my other bills which were much more expensive then the cell bill. Although treats sometimes are nice I agree. I'm glad you've been enjoying all of your exercise classes by the way. You sound so happy after you do them so it must make you feel good inside and out.
from illusionless :
Thanks. I don't know why they won't accept that! I have a plan! I've had it for a couple months now and they still won't let up on me! I don't understand them.
from illusionless :
Thank you. *blushes*
from illusionless :
I will for sure! And no worries I will have Internet, so I'll still be updating.
from illusionless :
Thank you! ^^ By the way may I please have access to your diary? I seem to have lost it... Thanks. Sorry.
from illusionless :
Thank you! I can't believe how much everything is turning around! It feels so unreal. Did you feel this way when things started turning around for you?
from xxplaydeadxx :
Well, I wanna know what's going on with you. Wanna make sure you're doing ok and stuffs like that. :) Do you know of any exercises that wouldn't be bad for my back? I can't do much of anything without it hurting me. I wonder if it's started hurting so bad from not eating and exercising for so long. It was always bad, but after I started doing that it got really bad. Think that might be a big part of it? Does it seem to you that people just don't care too much anymore? Seems that way to me... I'm very proud of you for not giving in to the urges to drink...I love Amanda so much, but all the fighting and screaming and threatening here is just too much to handle. LIke she's always freaking out about something. She gets pissed really easily. She's bipolar and doesn't take meds for it anymore. Not fun to be around someone like that. =/
from xxplaydeadxx :
I guess you're right about me not being scary, when it comes down to it... But I can be if someone pisses me off. ;)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok...Wasted...I got so drunk that I pretty much blacked out. It's scary, and believe me, it's NOT fun to throw up on the side of a store. Green apple vodka doesn't taste as good coming up as it does going down. Actually it doesn't even taste too great in the first place. ;) Honestly, being buzzed [sometimes actually drunk too] is quite fun. At first. I've always ended up getting anxious, because you can't be sure what you'll say/do/get yourself into when you're under the influence of alcohol...I'd say it's not that big of a deal to drink a bit, but I guess it'd be really bad for you. And from what I know about you, I don't think you'd like it much at all. Not with the anxiety problems you have. Angel has always claimed that it's 'helped' her with her anxiety...but I beg to differ. She always got WAY worse when she was drinking/taking pills. That might be what would happen to you as well. If you ever do drink, just make sure you're with someone you trust, that won't let you get more than you should have. But you don't need me to tell you that. :) ...I was thinking earlier...You're really the only one that still talks to me. Or at least regulary. Like you always reply to all of my notes. And I don't freak out if there's like a day in between replies. I really appreciate it. you're always there for me. I love you to death, Emily. Even though we're not friends in 'real life', you're still one of the best friends I've ever had/could ask for. I love you!!! =D
from luxelady :
oh sugar you didn't offend me - i really appreciate your frankness!! :-)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've had weird cravings like that too...for some reason it was ecstasy. I don't know why. Maybe because I was really down and it's supposed to make you reeeeeally happy...it's weird.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah. Those are her favorite pills. She likes pretty much anything though. I know she's never shot up. Dunno if she's done acid...I'm scary because...my problems. I scare Haley all the time...I don't know how to handle the things that happen. So I automatically think "eat. puke." whenever something that upsets me happens. And I tell Haley...I'm scary.
from luxelady :
wow. for some reason that was really hard to hear (read?)
from xxplaydeadxx :
My mom was on vistaril. I could tell it helped her, but of course she lied and said it didn't, so she could stay on her goddamn xanax's and however you spell chlonopin.I think that's right. Glad the shin splints aren't hurting as bad. :) Maybe you should apply for the job just for the hell of it. You never know.
from xxplaydeadxx :
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2008-4/1305988/035.jpg This is from earlier this year. She's way cuter now. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
You should just flip 'em off. ;) I know, there's meds you can take for an anuerism, as long as it hasn't ruptured. Otherwish you have to have surgery. I was SO scared, because I looked it up, and I had like all the symptoms. Every single one. But that stuff can also be caused by other things.Still scared me, because I'm always thinking the worst... Hopefully Georgia will be back before I move. Oooh, I can just get a picture off of Amanda's thing. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I would be a total smartass to someone if they said something like that to me...stupid douchebags...Oh, the neurologist said that it looked like I might have a brain aneurism behind my right eye when he got the MRI results. Then I had an MRA done and he said that it's perfect. No aneurism. ^-^ Yeah, Georgia is such a pretty baby. I wish I'd gotten a picture of her. She like head bangs in the car when we have music playing. She really gets into Korn and Linkin Park. :) Cool baby...omfg two more people asked you that?! Whyyyy can't people just realize you shouldn't ask someone that? >=[ Stupid assholes... Well, at least you had fun with Mary last night. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh my god, what do you say when someone asks you that? :( I'm sorry. My dad's tummy does that too sometimes. Like rounds out. He said he looked pregnant... :( I really hope that doctor helps you out. I want you to be happy and healthy. And for you to say "Ask me if I'm pregnant NOW, BITCH!" ;) Um...yeah. I think there has to be something like that wrong, because a lot of people that recover from EDs,when they start eating/exercising properly get to a healthy weight. I really hope something works out. Love you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
So how did you get them? Is it from when you weren't eating and exercising too much?
from xxplaydeadxx :
The petsmart in Murfreesboro is closing too. That's the only reason Haley was able to get that chinchilla. What exactly are shin splints? Oh wow your birthday was yesterday? I didn't know that...Well, happy birthday! Or is it today?....Either way, happy birthday. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
The petsmart in Murfreesboro is closing too. That's the only reason Haley was able to get that chinchilla. What exactly are shin splints? Oh wow your birthday was yesterday? I didn't know that...Well, happy birthday! Or is it today?....Either way, happy birthday. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah...I don't know what her fucking problem is. She just hates me like crazy. And I don't know why. My dad think it might be because she feels threatened by me or something. Maybe. I don't know...Doesn't really matter. She just needs to cut it the fuck out. >=/
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm glad you're feeling better, and that you had so much fun. :) God, I HATE sunburns. One reason I hate to go outside. I tend to burn and never tan. So what's the point? I like being pale anyway. :) Wow. The lake and that house were gorgeous! It'd be so fun to go on a boat. Wouldn't swim, ofcourse. But just to be out on the water again would be nice...Haven't done that since I was younger. Before my grandpa got sick [he died of cancer when I was 13]...Maybe one day you and I can do that. =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
Awwww! My Emily is sick. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm sorry you didn't get the job. ='(
from illusionless :
I think it would be fun to hang with you too! :) I think it is such an amazing experience meeting someone you have talked to online and actually meeting them face to face. To really see who you've been talking to on the other end of your computer. It's pretty cool. :)
from illusionless :
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm doing my research and am going to ask my mental health case worker tomorrow to see if there is someone she might know who I can contact. The SSD at my old college is a great idea! I'm sorry that Pride was boring! I didn't get to go this year because Astrology Girl and her fioncee didn't let me know in advance where we were going to meet etc. and they said they messaged me at NOON on the DAY I was supposed to go, but my msn crashed and I never got the message. I kept asking them about it in advance and they kept saying they didn't know! And I couldn't go to the other Pride event with Teal because I had nowhere to stay for the night and I couldn't stay at her place, so Pride was a no go this year. Maybe next year you can travel to Toronto or I can travel to where you are and we can hang at Pride together :) Just a suggestion. Take care and good luck in getting the job.
from xxplaydeadxx :
:( I'm sorry Pride was so boring. You'd think something like that would be made to be super fun. Ahahaha. There's no point in telling you this, but I just looked over at the users online now box, and saw pom1965, and it looked like porn1965. I think one of my friends changed their number, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't you. I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Just want to make sure before I texted you. I know, my dreams just keep getting stranger and stranger. It'll be nice when I start having GOOD dreams. But I think nightmares are a good way to see what you should change in your life...
from xxplaydeadxx :
Someone added me to their buddy list. Someone I don't know, that's never left me a note. So somehow they got my pw. That quote from tnbc has always been my favorite. First time I really thought about it, I thought of my ED. I wanna go to a pride festival. :( I'm glad you're starting to see the real you, body-wise. Now you just gotta see it compeletly real.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'll bitch about the trip to the hospital in an entry. >=[ I hate hospitals...Um, I'm not sure what it was, just know it was some sort of infection. Sounds like you had a pretty good day! =D Hope you get the job, so you can stop having all those money problems.
from x-razor-x :
Ok, here goes. Haley asked me today where I want to get married [where the short description came from] and I said "What's it matter? There's no point since it's not even legal HERE." But maybe it's just because I'm afraid of what might happen with us... As for the other stuff, I started wondering/worry about...Ok. Ya know that girl, Taylor, Haley went out with after she broke up with me? Well, when her parents found out, they made her stop going to church there. [yeah, of course they fucking met at church, and had been friends for quite a while when this shit happened] I'm just scared that they'll get over it and let her go back, especially since she's got friends there...And that she and Haley will start talking again, and there's going to be a fucking repeat of all the shit that happened. Sometimes, and I've asked about this, I wonder if, had Taylor not split up, if she'd still want me. I can't help it. 'Cause, like two weeks after Haley first told me we'd be back together [which she said about tow weeks or so after we broke up], she got back together with that stupid cunt, and told me "it depends what happens" when I asked her if we would still be together again. How am I NOT supposed to wonder about that? But I KNOW I'm way better than Taylor. I'm nicer [well, I'm a BITCH, but everyone laughs, because most of the time I'm only kidding], she's a genius but I don't exactly have the intelligence of a rock, I don't use people for experiments, I'm way prettier than her [seriously, I wish I could show you a picture. She doesn't have a myspace and Haley deleted the pics from her phone...without me having to say anything], and I'm just RIGHT for Haley. I am, and we allll know it. Really, I think the only reason Haley was with Taylor is because I was doing really bad, as was she. I was barely hanging on, and she had so much shit going on too. Taylor is this little happy christian SLUT [we weren't aware of this at the time] who always cheered Haley up after she dealt with a day of me crying about everything. I noticed, when I went back and read Haley's diary over, that in EVERY entry where she talks about how upset it makes her to see me cry, she talks about how Taylor talked to her and cheered her up... She was confused, I mean, we're babies! It's scary when you love someone this much, when you're this young. Especially when it's someone like ME. [suicidal, ED, etc.] I understand, so I guess I really shouldn't worry about anything, right? I don't know, this is just how my mind works. >.< Sorry, this note probably wasn't of any help.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Mmmmmmmmm!!! Fruit smoothies are one of my favorite things everrr. Strawberry banana is the best flavor. :) I know. Catherine is fffckin gorgeous. And she's dropped A LOT of weight in the last year, and I'm so damn jealous. And she eats what she wants, when she wants, which is just BULLSHIT! =P No matter what weight she is,she's so pretty...I used kinda like how I looked...like 60lbs ago. Well, not too much, but now I like how I looked. I liked the fact that, since I have high cheek bones, the stuck out a little...Now you can't tell I have bones ANYWHERE. ='( God, I ramble on about retarded stuff every time I talk to you! My apologies.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yay! I really hope your heart gets stronger from your exercising. Just PLEASE don't start overdoing it!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've always wanted to be a vegetarian... Um...Yeah, I got kinda confused when I read that note. :P I hate eggs. Hate 'em. I'ma try to just eat healthy foods, get Amanda to stuff for ME, so I don't have to eat the junk. Oh and I hate fish too. It's just so annoying. Don't see why I'm even worrying abuot THIS right now,seeing as how so much other shit is going on. I'm sorry you freaked so bad earlier. :( You better be careful dammit. Don't forget your meds or just skip 'em.Not good, missy.
from illusionless :
Thanks.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've always read 1400 is as low as you can go...Bahhh, there's nothing but jumk here! >.< I aksed Amanda to get me salad and yogurt, but she forgot.:(
from xxplaydeadxx :
I don't know how to do it though...
from x-razor-x :
It really means a lot to me that you're proud of me.:) Yeah, please try to remember all the bad things about not eating. Remember that if you go back to that, eventually you're gonna have to stop, and when you eat, you're going to gain a shitload of weight, because it's just gonna fuck up your metabolism more. And you don't wanna end up in another shitty hospital do you? I think not...Ya know...if you ever freak out, you can call me.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I wanted to read your diary from before I started reading, but it just goes to your blog. :( Thank you for telling me that stuff. I read your blog...this little conversation didnt' make you feel worse did it? :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know the 'anorexic high' feeling... Like, no matter what you weigh, you still feel light and pure.. When I b/p-ed I felt...Well, during the binge it was scary. That loss of control is terrible. But after I threw up, I felt amazing. That clean feeling, and strong, like I had one up on everyone. What about cutting?
from enurta :
omg i read your profile and didn't know who you were. sorry about that. did you change it? I thought you were someone I didn't know. this is so emberassing :P
from enurta :
hello. I'm enurta. I'm also 22 and I suffer from bulmia and schizophrenia. we seem...alike. I'd like to read your diary if you let me. send the password to [email protected] if it's alright with you. have a nice day /enurta
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok, um...So, what did you feel when you didn't eat, or b/p-ed? What kind...hm. I don't know how to put it... Well, what did it DO for you?
from xxplaydeadxx :
If I ever ask you anything that will fuck with you, please just tell me and I'll stop. Like with cutting or any eating stuff. I'd just really like to know...like what it did for you...Does that make sense? I'm so glad you don't turn to that stuff anymore when you feel bad. you're such a strong person. I admire you so much. I just wanna run up to you and hug you and scream THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME, YOU GIVE ME HOPE!!! =D And when you feel bad I wish I could just pop up and hug you and make you feel better.
from xxplaydeadxx :
AND yay! I hope the med switch works.:)
from xxplaydeadxx :
And thank you for ALWAYS replying to my notes, no matter how retarded I get. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
How much did you b/p?
from illusionless :
omg thank you so much! I needed to hear that from someone so badly! Thank you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
that's inasne. I knew you wouldn't care, you'd be happy to help me...but 3am? I don't wanna bother anyone at that time! I didn't know if you had to get up early or anything... I was just having a hard time. I wanted to b/p so bad. Everyone was asleep, so I knew I wouldn't get caught. It's hardest to fight it when everyone is asleep, and I know it'll be 'fine', because no one will notice. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
=] He seems to have a lot going for him. How old is he?
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm glad Tony's being cool so far. :) But you still wanna have a relationship with a woman,don't you? Have you ever been with a chick? Trust me, it's amazing. :P I hope that, if you want it to, things work out with you and Tony. And I'm SO PROUD of you for using the razor, and not hurting yourself. And I'm glad you feel so good about it. Makes me so happy for you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
Cool beans. :) I wanna get mine changed, but I'm too scared. :P Good luck with it...
from xxplaydeadxx :
So ya think you're gonna get 'em changed?
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh...I've got this multi-vitamin thing that's supposed to help with weight loss...but I don't take it right, so it's not helping. :( You're supposed to take it once a day,and I always forget about it.>.< And it's right here beside the computer,so how I manage that, I don't know. The weight not changing thing is more than likely your meds, right?
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know, I like her. :) Hm. I've never been comfortable in a one-piece. Hey, I think you can handle having a real razor. You're very strong, and I think you can fight the urges... You can't even take the green tea things?What are all the things you're not allwed to do?
from luxelady :
i did! you should keep an eye on your mailbox ;-) the class is called GroupGroove and it's a dance inspired class, lots of hip-hop and latin and stuff. i really hope i pass - thanks for your support!!
from illusionless :
Thanks for your support. Just between us girls do you think I have a right to be upset? or am I over-reacting because I do tend to do that too. I mean if it happened to you would be mad if you were in my shoes? I won't be upset no matter what you answer. I just want your honest opinion since you are an outsider looking in. Thanks.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you. :) I'm sorta proud of me too...I'm just not proud that I'm not really doing it for me, ya know? Hm. Good. I really hope it doesn't fuck up, because we both know how shitty things get when the meds aren't working right. >.<
from xxplaydeadxx :
You sure lowering it won't fuck it up? :S
from illusionless :
Thank you for your note Emily. It means a lot. I hope to chat with you on msn sometime. :)
from angel-scar :
Thank you :) I'll try to heal but it's going to be really hard. I'm having a hard time dealing with it now, and the more i think about the moments we had together, the harder it is, but i can't help thinking about it. Emily ment alot to me we were practically like sisters
from angel-scar :
Hey. Emily and I ended our friendship of 10+years over this past weekend. I'm torn and lost from the breakup i don't know what to do. I've fallen into a deep depression and don't know exactly what just happened. If you have any advice for me that will help me move on, i'm all ears. Thanks :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I understand completely. Like when I lost a lot of weight [even though we both know it wasn't enough to make me look even healthy], and I gained it back, people started saying I looked better, and it pissed me off, because I know it's not true...But you look just fine, k? K. :) I'm glad you just went for it. That's fucking cool. :D *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
k. :) Um, about your dress. If you're really very uncomfortable, maybe you could wear some light sweaterish thing over it??I don't know how hot it is there though...But Ithink you'd look just fine. :)I can't bring myself to wear sleeveless things. I just can't. I have a hard enough time with short sleeves. >.< I even wear hoodies in 90*+ weather at times. Seriously. Love you.
from luxelady :
dbt was great - my group was during the day so i had to quit when i went back to work full time last year - i wish i could still do it...
from xxplaydeadxx :
You were the exception to that stuff. :) Sorry, should've mentioned that in the entry probably.
from enurta :
thanks! I can read it now :) but I still miss you here in d-land....I wish you'd come back.......*hugs*
from enurta :
i can't read your diary. i need a password or something...i don't know....it's weird :(
from x-razor-x :
I appreciate that, but if they were good then I wouldn't be me, ya know? But thank you for caring so much. I'd love to erase the bad memories from your mind. Erase everything bad completely, but then YOU wouldn't be YOU. I ♥ you.
from angel-scar :
Thank you :) Did you read my letter to my son? It was really hard for me to write it but it all came from my heart
from luxelady :
thank you darlin' - your support means a lot. and i'm glad you got my letter - i was starting to wonder!! :p
from angel-scar :
Hey, This is Emily's friend Kelly. I noticed that you left a note on my note page just recently. I don't know why Emily would suggest you to read my diary, it's okay and everything i'm just not that great at writting stuff I don't have the "Writting talent" that most people have. I try so hard tho I do want to become a good writter. Emily's an insperation to me in that way. Anyways I hope my Diary wasn't too boring for you LMAO. Take Care @--^-
from xxplaydeadxx :
So that means you're my sister. =D =P You're welcome. I hate that the stuff happened to you, but I'm glad and thankful that you can help people. I adore and really love you. ♥
from illusionless :
Amen to that!
from illusionless :
Can I have the password to your blog please? I put in your other log in things and it brought me to another one on Blogger.
from illusionless :
I feel happy right now. Who knows how long it will last, but I thought I'd write out my awesome mood. Thanks for the encouragement with the scrapbooking idea. I agree with you it will be more memorable for them even when they get older maybe. Give them something to remember me by I guess. Take it easy and keep your head high Emily.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've read like half your book. I've just been sitting here reading it. I had to pee reeeeeally bad when I started, and I just now cave b/c I thought my bladder was really going to explode. :P There was no real point in telling you that. I hope you at least found it kinda amusing...And I just realized that you've been a major inspiration for me. To get better, to like myself. And I thank you for that. =D *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
Apparently Linda and Scarlett used to make and do it. I guess when I was too young to comprehend anything. Scarlett is Linda's friend. For a long time she was pretty much my mother. I'm much more like her than Linda. It's kinda creepy, actually. =P She was on all kinds of stuff really bad for a long time but now she's completely clean. =] Ok, we could probably stop talking about drugs now. :P
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, it does. He's like hardly ever here. And when he is, usually he's outside fucking with things...The boys are usually asleep when he finally comes in. It's weird. He's usually pretty funny and nice to us...I don't know. Meth fucks with ya bad. I don't see why he won't just quit. He did for quite a while...He doesn't have to spend money on it though. He gets it from his brother and friends and I think they make it..
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's only bad when Tony is here. He's actually usually pretty calm. I'll hear them arguing when they think everyone is asleep. Or when Tony does anyway. Amanda knows I stay up really late and if I DO fall asleep, he tends to wake me up. But last night...I don't even know what the fuck happened! They just started screaming and he was hitting her, and she was screaming for Dustin, and....I don't know...I gotta get my license and a job so I can save up money. I don't know if Tony is even coming back here...
from xxplaydeadxx :
lmao I forogt I started that one. :P
from xxplaydeadxx :
I think I got them the day or the day before I left to come here. [staying with Angel]...I'm really big. Much bigger than you. Much. And everyone, like my friends, have always said my mom is really fat and ugly. But I weigh THE SAME as her...and so many people say that I look just like her... I'm...ok, fuck it. 255. I'm huge. I used to weigh like 198, which is still big, but so much better than this. I looked so much different, and even though I was destroying myself, I actually felt healthier than ever. And seriously not just like "oh I'm starving myself, I'm making myself better", blah blah blah...It's like...well, when someone says something like that about his/herself, I feel terrible about myself. Like Angel, Georgia, Marwa, MY DAD. They all think they're huge but really they're like half my weight. Or actually most of them are LESS than half my weight...anyway...I still haven't gotten that invite. =(
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oopse i freakedthe keyboard out. :P I always forget about you having that new site. I get used to some people here going a while without doing an entry but still coming on, and I just think that's what you're doing. I'm a retard. >.< So yeah, I'll catch up on that later today, hopefully. =]
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, I don't use that one. I ALWAYS
from xxplaydeadxx :
howsa come i can't read your other thingy?
from xxplaydeadxx :
just talked to linda. they came! i'm getting 'em later. ^-^ THANK YOUUU!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's Crushcrushcrush by Paramore. ^-^ I don't know. They were sent to my mother's place. I talked to my brother day before yesterday and told him to bring 'em to me when they show up. >.<
from writergrrl88 :
I didn't really take it as an accusation ... I figured you just needed to ask to make sure. I can understand -- you want to keep your blog a kind, safe environment. I'll look for the invitation. Thanks! :)
from writergrrl88 :
I don't comment anonymously -- I must admit, I've been bad about commenting at all lately (I've been really busy), but did comment recently (signed in, I believe) about how you shouldn't have to remove your pagan iconography for anyone. I've noticed you've gotten some disturbing comments, and I'm sorry whoever is doing it is hiding behind anonymity. (You know me, even when I disagree with something I always attach my name to it.)
from writergrrl88 :
Thank you for sending me the invitation ... I'm not sure why, but it didn't work. Would you please send me another? Thanks! :)
from writergrrl88 :
Hey there! I saw you locked your blogspot -- I hope everything's okay. My google ID is [email protected],if you want to add me.
from illusionless :
Thanks. The suicidal feelings come and go. Right now I'm doing ok.
from illusionless :
Yes we have the Body Shop here in Canada and Fruits and Passions is like a seperate store/spin off of the Body Shop. Similar products though. Yep I love the line too. I'm sorry you can't eat grapefruits. That sucks. I love them! I hope you are doing ok.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you for believing. A lot of people don't. And like, when someone else is eating, and I say I'm not hungry, they tend to get mad. And I'm really not hungry when I say I'm not.I understand though, sorta. I used to do that ALL the time. But now I'm trying to get and stay better, but it's like no one believes me...or maybe they just don't believe in me... But whatever. I appreciate you believing. Yay for cds!!!! =D
from illusionless :
Hi, I'm here to recommend one of my friends diaries to you. Username: angel-scar. She is an awesome person and I think you guys have a lot in common. She is very kind, friendly and understanding and also into somewhat pagan things etc. I can see you guys hitting it off! Why not drop her a line sometime in her notes? Check her out! Thanks. :)
from illusionless :
Thanks. I just feel stupid when that happens to me because I don't know anyone else it happens too and my parents get furious with me. It's the one thing I'm really hard on myself about more then anything else... I appreciate you letting me know you are not alone. I'm glad we have lots in common and can understand each other. Much appreciated. I hope things are going well for you at present. I'm always here if you want to drop me a line and chat.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note. This experience was a real wake up call that I need to get O&M in my new area right away. Basically this Toronto trip was an expensive one and accomplished nothing! I wish I never even bothered to go! I know the west, south, and central ends of Toronto, but this Psych was in the east end which I have never had the chance to explore. Stupid of me to think that I could do it really seeing my luck lately. They couldn't even refer me to another psych in my area because they didn't know any! So I have to start all over again with my doctor in Aurora (also far away!) I am beginning to think I should just give up and call the crisis lines when things get tough because obviously the help I need isn't gonna happen. You have been so lucky that your treatment plan has been sogood and everyone communicates. I've never had that before... I wish I did. I don't even know how to get it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok...I really appreciate you caring about me.I just don't want you to worry at all about me.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Don't worry. I'll be fine. Yay! CDs make me happy! =D...If we had talked a couple days ago, or if we did even today. you'd have gotten a completely different person. You'd actually probably not even believe it was me. =S I know I'm doing really bad right now, but I'm not allowed to kill myself because I already promised I wouldn't. I don't want you to not worry or whatever b/c I'm feeling so shitty. I mean, that's understandable and stuff. But please don't think I'ma kill myself. Ok? I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
from illusionless :
Thanks! I can't wait to read it!
from razornotes00 :
Hi, thanks for the password. I really like the way your diary is actually set out. How'd you do that? I read about your last ten entries. I like the pictures =) You have an eye for a good photo. I think it's awsome that you have written books. Do y ou have plans for gettign them published? I will read them if ya do =) What e.d do you have? You're lucky you get to see a shrnk for this. and nah I'm not addicted to laxatives. I took one to regulate me lol. Thanks again, peace xo
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, it made me so happy to talk to you...sorry about my insanity. that was the sweets i told you about and i guess just a really hyped up mood. i didn't mention bipolar last night did i?...nope. Mhm. I keep listening to fiona apple. :P i love 'paper bag'.^-^
from xxplaydeadxx :
Eh. I got weighed a few weeks ago on a different scale. So one of 'em might not have been right. I dunno. My clothes don't fit any different at all. I'm fine though. I try to eat enough. I've just been so stressed and upset that I don't really get hungry at all. I try to eat a little anyway though. I ate enough yesterday. Actually...well now, it was probably about right. If anything it was just a little more. But I'm fine, really. Don't worry bout me. Where is it that you're at now? The site?
from r-e-v-i-e-w :
Apologies for being missing for so long. Would you still like to be reviewed?
from illusionless :
Good for you for staying strong and sticking to your beliefs! Pot and smoking doesn't solve anything. I think marijuana should only be legalized for chronic illnesses ones with lots of pain or possibly lethal conditions. You keep saying no and since you feel so strongly about it I doubt you'll give in. I'm proud of you! :)
from illusionless :
I'm glad things are going ok for you.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the instructions. It's going to take me a bit to get my new diary set up because I am already super busy and settled in my new home. I am so happy I did this. I have the best love and support from my friends here and my other friends and all of you here and online. Thank you so much for everything. I love you very much! Take it easy till I can be back online again. It shouldn't be too long I promise.
from miedema2002 :
Hi, I was wondering since you have lots of experience with antidepressant medication that you could give me some advice? I want to healthily wein myself off of the Effexor, but I've neverdone this sort of thing before. I know I should do it with gradually smaller doeses but how long between each decrease? and how much should be decreased each time? I want to slowly wein my body off of them because obviously my doctor won't do it! I'm tired of all these damn side-affects. My current dose is 225mgs. and I want to eventually get down to 0. If you don't feel comfortable advising me that's ok too no hard feelings. I trust your judgement. Thanks. ttyl
from enurta :
I know... :(
from enurta :
I miscalculated in my previous entry. My sister isnít 14...she is twelve, turning 13 in April. Her boyfriend is 15. He is not even 16.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. What's funny is that I've been visually impaired all my life. I know my dad understands, but my step mom is the one who talks him out of it and he does what she wants. It's really sad.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you so much for believing in me. All of my friends online and off have been wonderful to me during this time. I did not steal it and I am not worried because there is no proof. I even offered to be questioned by the cops and have them search my room because I have nothing to hide at all. I hope this will blow over soon...
from lovelynight :
I have been reading a lot of your entries. I really enjoy reading them and getting to know you through your diary. You have beautiful words and pictures. We have quite a few things in common, too. Thanks for allowing me to read your diary. If you ever want to read mine, just ask.
from miedema2002 :
omg I'm so sorry! That is always really hard losing a pet, especially your first one! Healing will take time and I know you will always keep Basil in your heart. Please be ok and don't do anything unhealthy or harmful to yourself. I know Basil as well as myself wouldn't want that. Take it one day at a time and talk to your friends and family for support. It's ok to grieve. I know all of us here at D-land will support you regardless. Take care. Love Em
from lovelynight :
I know this is probably really weird, but I came across your name in the new "users online right now" box and I thought it was awesome. I checked out your profile and I was interested in reading your diary, if you'd let me. My diary is locked, so I would understand if you said no.
from emaciana :
I don't have your pw anymore... i lost it... sorry could i have it again? if you don't want to leave it in a note, could you send it to me via facebook? thanks! also, thank you for your note.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I've decided to call my Kika's breeder and ask if she has a litter due anytime soon, and if I can have one of the puppies - another little black toy poodle, a female - just like my Kika. I hope it works out - I want one so bad. Hope to talk to you soon! (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'm glad you liked them. It's ok. Grammer has never been my forte.
from twoturtles :
I'm really shocked that the new template looks gray, orange and white to you. On my computer, it looks black, red and white. If I saw it in the same colors you're seeing it, I'd probably hate it too. I wish you luck at blogspot. Sometimes starting over is the best thing.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you so much! That means a lot. Hey if you get some free time feel free to read the fanfiction that I write in the extra section. I'm curious to see what you think of my writing. Thanks. :)
from miedema2002 :
Hi. Yes it has been a long time. I hope you are doing well. I'm sad that you are moving to another site, but if that is what you need then I support you on it! I am not sure how to do what anainsight suggested. I knew someone who used to know how to do it but doesn't remember how to now lol! but either way the username doesn't turn red that only works if you are on diaryland itself. Anyways to make a link to your new diary from your old one I know how to do. <a href=url>link title</a> that's all you have to do on your current diary entry. That will show a link to your current blogspot if you put in the url. Does that help? sorry I can't be of more assistance. Bye bye.
from anainsight :
Oh, sorry - one more thing I forgot to ask you. When you move to Blogspot, could you please set it up so that when you update, it shows red on my buddy list here at D-land, then opens directly onto your Blogspot page? One of my buddies, geeked-out, did that - she's not at Blogspot anymore but she is still somewhere besides Diaryland - but I don't have to go somewhere else to see when she updates. If you don't know how to do it, you could note her, or even e-mail me and I'll give you her e-mail address so she can tell you exactly how to do it. Please? I would miss seeing you everyday. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey Emily, that's a great idea, to switch from the paper bags to the re-useable shopping bags. By the way - did you know that keeping old paper bags around in your house will cause COCKROACHES? Something about how they lay their eggs in the paper fibers. Keep it in mind and try to get rid of all those old bags before summer comes. Also, you're WAY greener than me simply because you take public transportation. You rock! Hope you're doing well - sending you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from twoturtles :
Oh man, I can see how that was awkward.
from luxelady :
aww sweetie i'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. i don't really know much that will help, cause i feel the same way, but please know that i'm thinking of you and sending you a big hug. xx luxe
from anainsight :
Emily, the person that you have to look nice for is YOU. YOU deserve to be pretty, and you ARE. You are just fine at the weight you are right now. If you saw me, you would know what that means - I need to lose ten times the amount of pounds you need to lose, probably even more. And yet, I went and got me a haircut yesterday. I get up and put on my jewelry and nice clothes for ME. I gave up on having "somebody" in my life long ago, but who cares? Remember also that your not being able to go to the gym is temporary, and that spring is coming soon - then you can go back and it will lift your spirits immensely. If it were as cold and dark here as it probably is where you live, I'd be having a hard time too. Where I live, the sun has come back and while not exactly warm, at least it's bright and pretty outside. So please don't let this funk get you down. If I had a camera, I'd send you a picture of me. That would convince you that you are just fine at the size you are now. You've been doing so good Emily - don't let this false "I'm fat" stuff get the better of you. Thinking of you and sending you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from xeison :
ive left you like eleven notes, just so you know, so there are a lot. You might want to read bottem up, otherwise this one wont make much sense. February 17: im so sorry that you are feeling extra fat. i think going to bed early is a good idea. May i ask though, did something happen to make you feel that way todday?
from xeison :
February 16: im so sorry about Raphael. im glad you had fun with your family though and had a good day otherwise.
from xeison :
February 15: im glad that you enjoy your dietician appointments and had a good one. i think the four decisions that you made with your dietician are very good ones, especially the last one. You deserve better than what you were putting yourself through before, so i am really happy that you have made that decision. i think it is probably good for you to see Dr. Vine, im not sure why you panic with them because i never asked you, so im curious, may i ask why you panic when you see Dr. Vine? i think Dr. Vine wants to help you, so i think it is good for you to see Dr. Vine aswell. im so sorry that you hate your body, but i am glad that you logically know it is not bad. Logic is a first step. May i ask you though, why you do not seem to like yourself, i mean beyond the feeling fat? Have you ever heard of the Spotlight Effect? Psychologists have done studies and they realized that people often think more people noticed things that actually did. We, as Humans, have a tendency to overestimate peoples noticing of us. You are kind of doing the same thing. i know it probably wont make you feel better, but people arent really staring at you. im pretty sure though that im not unconvincing you. im so sorry about the older men hitting on you, that is creepy. Is it possible for you to get where you need to go another way by any chance?
from xeison :
February 14: That was nice of your parents to send you a box of truffles, and i am glad it was small so that you will not feel too guilty about eating it. i think exercising is a good idea for you to do once yo uare not sick. It will help your metabolism and will generally keep you healthier. Also, it supposedly releases endorphins, which supposedly improve moods, so it might help you feel better too. i think the DBT skill of Gently Avoiding is a smart one. i think it is a good idea for you to wait until you feel better first and give it some time.
from xeison :
February 13: It makes sense that you havent spoken to Jeremy yet, it is really tough to do after a break up. i think with time it will get easier. Until then, you shouldnt worry about it too much. Just worry about feeling better first, otherwise talking to him might not go so well anyways. You know, im talking about Basil now, it is remarkable how fast they grow up. Animals grow up so quickly and it is really noticable when you get them as small kittens. They just change right before your eyes. Its really nice to have pets, im glad that you have some.
from xeison :
February 11: That is sad that Polly killed herself. i never saw the documentry, but i read about her in her obituary. It is really unfortunate, she was so gifted too. i dont know if you read it or not, but if you want to, it is here: http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_121759.asp . You are right, it is a reminder that people with Eating Disorders need to fight. i like her motto, "Believe." i think it is something that a lot of people here could use. You too i think, believing in yourself and your ability to get out of the Eating Disorder you feel trapped in. Anyways, i blieve in you and your ability to do so.
from xeison :
February 9: im so sorry that you were feeling sad, but i think what you did was the right thing. As i said, you deserve better in a relationship. That is good that you and Jeremy are still Friends. That was really mature for both of you to decide to do. Many people have a hard time doing that, so i am glad that you guys have decided to try.
from xeison :
February 8: You made the right choice in deciding to talk to Jeremy. im so sorry that it did not work out. He just wasnt the right person. As i said, you deserve better than what he was willing to be for you. Sometimes a relationship feels right, but it just isnt the right one. Unfortunately, in our search for the right person, we usually have to go through quite a few relationships with people who are not the right person, and sometimes they are really close and it is quite painful to lose those relationships. Fortunatly, when you do find the right person, that relationship will be more than worth it. im sorry that you started getting sick. i hope you are feeling better now.
from xeison :
im so sorry that i have not been responding to any of your entries for a while. im going to respond to the last nine of them. February 5: im so sorry that you felt sad on this day. im only going to respond to part of this because only part of it is still relevent, sinse you broke up with Jeremy, which i think was the right thing to do. im really writing this, because what i am saying here applies to all relationships you hold in the future. The fact that he was not willing to date exclusively is horrible, and you truly deserve better than that. You deserve a person who will date exclusively with you. After all, what on Earth is dating for if it is not exclusive, then it is more like you are just browsing. Dating is by definition exclusive, and you deserve a person who is willing to be that way for you as you are for them. Relationships are about reciprocity, if they cannot be as you are willing to be for them, then they are not being fair to you and that is wrong. You deserve better than that. The same applies to him telling you that he would want to be part of the decision in a child that he would not be willing to take care of. To be honest, that decision, whether to have a child or not, should lie entirely with you as you are the one who would be pregnant and giving birth. It makes sense that you were frustrated that day, you had a right to be. im sorry that you did not feel able to tell him how you felt that day, but i am glad that you eventually did. It is important for you to take care of yourself. When you deserve better, it is important for you to assert yourself. Sometimes it is really hard to do so, and it probably is more so for you because you are such a good person but do not seem to value yourself as much and so you probably feel really guilty asserting yourself, but it is not something to feel guilty about. You are a Human and you are equal to every other Human, you have as much right as anyone to assert yourself. When you deserve better, you have that right. Just try telling yourself that when you need to do it, taking a deep breath, and then just talking and saying it. It is hard, but you can, as you have shown, and must do it when you are in such a situation. Also, a person who is not willing to give up their free time to see you is not worth a relationship with either. You deserve much much better than that. If they arent willing to spend their time with you, that means they do not value you enough, and that is also just plain wrong in a relationship. Jeremy might have been a nice guy, but honestly, that isnt enough in a relationship. A relationship requires recirpocity, meaning sharing and the willingness of both people to put things into the relationship. Its important that you remember that and dont let yourself be in one that does nto have that ok? You deserve better.
from xeison :
This is in response to the second note you left me. i am to blame. i mess everything up. i fail people, and they get hurt. i am fault for all of it. i dont deserve to die, you are right about that, but i have a feeling that you are right in the wrong way. Dieing is what i wish i could have, it would fix everything. In reality, i deserve to be tortured, in the true way, the way they did to people like me where i was born. Slowly destroyed in everyway, that is what i deserve.
from xeison :
This is in response to the first of the two notes you left me. You have nothing to thank me for, i really didnt do anything. im glad you were ok when you wrote this note. im so sorry that you are trapped in your Eating Disorder and cannot see beyond the numbers on the scale. i wish you could see the real you too. May i ask you something? Do you like or dislike your Eating Disorder? i would understand if you said you like it. Also, may i ask you one more thing, what do you think about yourself?
from miedema2002 :
It's good that you are feeling better about it. Maybe all you needed was some processing time, sometimes that makes all the difference. Those sound like some good goals and resolutions your making. :) I'm proud of you.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I hope so. I wish you luck with this Jeremy situation too. It's always hard to end a relationship...
from writergrrl88 :
Many psych meds lower your metabolism. If you were to cut back on your dosages, you would lose weight. Also, remember that adding more caffeine (especially in pure form, like No-Doz) speeds your metabolism as well.
from anainsight :
I don't remember "gently avoiding" as a DBT skill, especially I don't remember it being mentioned with regards to decreasing love for someone. But it's been quite a while since I've been in DBT and you're probably right so I'll take your word for it. My metabolism is probably messed up too. I'm only down 35 pounds in 11 months. That's really not a lot because I need to lose three times more weight than you do. I agree with you - back to the gym! I was passing a kidney stone for two weeks and I couldn't hardly walk, much less go to the gym, but now it's gone, so I've got no more excuses. Are you eating 3 meals a day? I'm not, I'm only getting 2 and I'm sure that Paige will not like that very much. Hope you had a happy Valentine's Day - call soon! (((hugs)))
from enurta :
there are pills you can take if you have a dry mouth. you can get them from the pharmacy. and about mean girls, it's a great movie, why don't you download it and then watch if on yout tv? there is a special cable you can buy that connects your computer to your television. anyway, happy valentine's day! *hugs*
from amory-vain :
Could I have the username and password for your journal, please? By the way, your favorite authors list is excellent. Moby Dick is one of my favorite books, and I've been working on War and Peace for a while. Tolstoy takes a lot of thought, but he's very much worth it. :)
from luxelady :
thanks for your kind note - i know she's not thinking clearly, but it hurts all the same...xx luxe
from xxplaydeadxx :
That makes me really sad. I watched that a few times. And I loooved Polly...I had her on my MySpace......That seriously makes me wanna cry. ='(
from miedema2002 :
I hope you feel better soon. Having the flu blows! Keep resting and please don't worry about me. I am ok. Thank you for wanting to help. You're so sweet! :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
fuck/off [mean but funny.] Yeah. Everything is starting to hurt really bad when I throw up. And I know you're not supposed to brush your teeth afterwards but it drives me crazy not to. >.<
from xeison :
im really happy for you that you arent pregnant and were not force to have to make a decision about a baby. Um, i know you probably already know this, but i just thought you should remember, you are not a disgusting blob, no matter what the scale and the numbers say, you are so much more than your weight. Your worth isnt determined on a scale, it is determined by you, and i know for a fact from the little we have spoken and from seeing your notes to others that you are a very kind person and you are worth so much. i know its hard to remember that sometimes, especially when the scale provides a number that is much easier to use, but the scale is not right, you are worth so much no matter what the numbers say. i hope you know that.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh no, no, no. You could have the baby and we could take care of it. I mean it. Me, Angel, my mom. We're all really good at taking care of babies....
from anainsight :
Don't be terrified, Emily - just stay calm and consider all your alternatives. You don't have to do anything you don't want to - just keep that in mind. I will be thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I hope so too. She has dealt with this for years which is too long already.
from miedema2002 :
I wouldn't flame or judge you. It's your decision and I respect that. Everyone has different views on the subject and you're just picking the one that is right for you.
from writergrrl88 :
Concerning what you said in your entry -- I think it's an intelligent, mature decision. Hopefully, it's one you'll never have to make (and, trust me, the percentages are in your favor), but I think it shows how ready you are for that aspect of your life if you can think through all the possibilities.
from miedema2002 :
In the long run you are on the better plan. Fad diets don't work. She'll gain that weight right back once she's done the diet, where if you lose it slowly the less chance you have of gaining it back even if it's just a pound. Exercise may help too glad you are going to start the gym again. There is nothing wrong with not drinking at social gatherings just drink coffee or tea or water or pop. Those are socially acceptable things to drink at a gathering.
from enurta :
you have to talk to your lanlord about the mice problem. if your kitten eats a mouse, he will get worms and become sick...and it's disgusting, mice in an apartment??? wtf? is the building old or what? They should call an exterminator.
from anainsight :
Hey there, I am so glad you finally have your little kitty! I know you have been wanting him for a long time. He is sooooo cute! Make sure to keep him warm, y'all are really going to have some cold weather this weekend. So are we, as a matter of fact. It's times like these that I miss my Kika - it would be nice to have a nice warm doggie to curl up with when it's so cold outside. Just thinking of you and wanted to say hello to you. Be sure to give your dad a big hug for being willing to give you a ride to work. That is really sweet of him. Take care and talk with you soon! (((hugs)))
from luxelady :
awwwww!!!! soooo cute!! ps - thanks for all your support. xx luxe
from enurta :
he's adorable. he kinda looks like my sister's kitty....i love cats. maybe this is a stupid question but what made you go get one? I had always wanted a cat but my parents never got me one, so when I moved in with N, the first thing he did was to get me a red kitten. my cat's name is Tom and he is now 4 years old. he is also my best friend. i wish you all the best *hugs*
from enurta :
awwwww! I'm so happy for you! You *MUST* post pics of your kitty.....you must!!! :D
from twoturtles :
There's also an alternative to de-clawing that is like putting little bumpers on each nail, kind of like fake nails. They're called SoftClaws or SoftPaws... something like that. Petsmart.com sells them!
from twoturtles :
I came to applaud you for not de-clawing but someone beat me to it. Good for you!
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Good for you for deciding not to declaw your cat, that's very cruel. Just give the landlord the finger or hide it in the closet when he comes. Declawed kitties are defenseless should they ever get out and are easy prey for anything that might want to eat them. I can't wait to see a pic of your new furbaby!
from enurta :
that's weird. that's how swedish people say christmas. they call it 'yule' but they spell it like this; 'JUL'. so fucking weird. i think christmas is a pagan thing, isn't it?
from twoturtles :
I love Pagans. :) When I was Wiccan, I made sure to set my watch to "Pagan o'clock".
from writergrrl88 :
Any med that says you shouldn't drink on it means one of two things 1) if you skip one dose of your meds you can drink with no worries or 2) if you drink with your meds you'll get twice as wasted (but you have to check to see what the side effects are, because some meds you have to skip to drink or you'll get stomach-sick. Anyway, I was just trying to be helpful because I know you're trying to be more social and I thought knowing that alcohol would make it much easier might be a good suggestion for you.
from writergrrl88 :
I recommend drinking at the party -- drinking is fun, it makes wherever you are more fun, and it makes getting to know people so much easier. Besides, eventually you'll have to drink ... the only adults who can go to parties (or any social gatherings) and not drinking are those within 60 days of having been in detox/rehab/AA, otherwise, being a non-drinking adult is seen as being antisocial.
from twoturtles :
Isn't it a little late for Yule? LOL
from luxelady :
hey hun - i can only imagine how tough it was to see Dr Vine - however, it's so good that you talked about it with your other doctor...maybe that and seeing him occasionally will help bring you some closure, who knows? take care xx luxe
from twoturtles :
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can sympathize with the need for "those" people to stay gone, yet the guilt that comes from the joy and loss of control of our good sense when they come back around.
from xxplaydeadxx :
stay; out
from enurta :
still haven't received the user/pass...have you sent it? I miss reading your diary. try sending it to [email protected] instead of the diaryland e-mail...maybe that will work...i hope you are okay...<3
from miedema2002 :
You have been tagged. Read blog for details.
from enurta :
My computer crashed so all of the passwords are gone. I cannot read your diary. can u please send me the user/pass to [email protected]? take care. i hope you are feeling alright. <3
from luxelady :
thanks so much for your kind note - it helps to know someone understands. xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this. I e-mailed my teacher and she said she'd talk her collegues (my other teachers) about it at the next meeting. Some of my teachers know and MIGHT stick up for me...I hope my seminar teacher is there she knows the most. So it's a MAYBE! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that everything will work out!
from nakedbarista :
Happy New Year to you as well, dear! I look forward to getting to know you better in 2008
from writergrrl88 :
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!! To you as well ... may your night be brightened by some champagne or wine for a sparkling start to 2008.
from nakedbarista :
I love the feeling you get when you first start dating someone. Those middle of the night visits are the best. I hope you had a great time.
from miedema2002 :
You are by far NOT a slut! As long as you are honest and upfront about your feelings and what you want. There is nothing wrong with being true to what you want as long as it's consensual. You go girl! :D
from luxelady :
i know you can do it, Em!! *big Christmas hugs*
from enurta :
good luck sweetie! u can do it! <3
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. Wow I never knew there was such a drug that could do that. I guess it's supposed to try reduce the drug use and SI correct? I wonder what the success rate is?
from miedema2002 :
What are opiates? what do opiates do? I don't really know much about the chemical reactions with SI.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know you wish he'd love you. But....someone will. I know it, b/c you're a totally loveable person. [and I'm sure someone will fall IN love with you, and you'll be happy forever.] ........I still wanna beat the eff outta him........
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh my god, Emily... I'm sosososososososososo sorry. Don't blame yourself for him being an ass. It's not your fault. Apparently he just isn't ready for a damn thing. I actually hope this girl hurts him. Really bad. I'm sorry if that makes you mad at me, but...I want him to feel what you feel. IIIIIII love you. I know it's not the same, but I do love you. ♥
from luxelady :
WOW! i'm so proud of you! you were able to sit down and tell him exactly how you felt and what was going on. that is awesome, hunny! i'm envious - i wish i had your courage. xx luxe
from enurta :
Sweetie...I am so sorry you cut yourself. And I am sorry that that fucking asshole Stephen hurt you. That girl is not lucky, he seems like a fucking asshole, he must have noticed that you were in love with him. He is not that fucking stupid. I am so sorry about everythingÖbut itís okayÖyou will find someone that will love you, maybe a boy, maybe a girl, I think we all have a soul mate out there. Take care of yourself. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. <3
from miedema2002 :
I second Writergrrl.
from writergrrl88 :
No guy (or girl) is worth that. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve love. When the right kind of romantic-love finds you, it will be a wonderful surprise you weren't even looking for. In the meantime, you have lots of things going for you -- family, friends, your job, and your future. I hope in time you'll realize you're worth happiness and wellness not because of anyone else around you, but because of you. You rock -- and I hope you realize that soon.
from anainsight :
I think part of the reason you're depressed is it's the holidays. that always makes me feel worse. Try to stay positive. I am having a lot of trouble eating enough because the anxiety is so bad that I can't swallow. Paige will not be pleased with me. anyway. Please take care of yourself and try to have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from luxelady :
Em, is something in particular going on? Try to take care of yourself (i hate to sound hypocritical, but...) i care and worry about you...xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. She is being an idiot, but she's better then XXX. Her heart is in the right place though. Sorry can't put names and overly obvious words because I don't want someone from the school to google by accident and maybe stumble upon this. I only write on my computer but still gotta be careful. I'm very thankful for my Seminar teacher being so supportive of me. I don't know what I'd do without her. I'm trying to tell myself that I didn't fail at this placement even though a small part of me is saying I did. I dunno. I hope you understood the story. I was mad and scatter brained when I wrote it haha! I'm just tired of ignorance both at my job and from the people that are supposed to care about me and know the most! anyways I hope you are doing well. Life is treating you good.
from enurta :
you are not a pig! you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are...I don't think you need to lose weight! skinny does not equal beautiful.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Don't be sorry. It's not your fault....the diary is for--you kill/me
from ungenderless :
OMG I am so so proud of you right now!!! That's totally awesome!
from anainsight :
Woo-hoo! You won! Now either let's see a copy, or send me a link where I can read it. I am so proud of you! (((hugs)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
We're still living where we have been, but we have to be out soon. They're looking for places. Found one, called about it. But I refuse to move there b/c I'm not allowed to have Laila and Lainy. But they can still have their DOGS. Fuck no. I'm keeping my pets........I'm not gonna kill myself. But I want to. I just don't see the point in living anymore. And I'm about to be in trouble for missing so much school. Fuck it. Maybe I'll just drop out............................Anyway. What did you win?!?!!?! I didn't see the picture b/c it won't show at school b/c it must have been from photobucket or some other blocked site....Yeah. Anywho, I loveses you. :)
from enurta :
wow! you won?! the whole competition? WOW!!! CONGRATS!!! What did you win by the way? Do you get your book published or something? I hoep you are proud of yourself! *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
..................................I love you too, Emily. It's just so hard. I don't know what to do. I'm trying though. I'm trying.
from ungenderless :
Hey you! Happy Thanksgiving! Have a great holiday weekend, ok?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks! :) It's nice to know that someone feels the same way as me.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Another note...We're so badly broke right now too, so I feel your damn pain. :( We don't even have anyone to ask for money from though. Haley gets us cigs, and random shit sometimes, b/c she's the shit.... Yeah. Anyway, just for some reason wanted to let you know that. :P
from xxplaydeadxx :
And I'm glad you're eating and being able to lose weight and feel better. :) Not that there is anything wrong with you, no matter what the hell you weigh. And you're pretty, so that's even better. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I wanna read your memoir.
from luxelady :
congrats honey! i'm so proud of you!
from miedema2002 :
Don't worry. We all have financial troubles at one time or another and everyone knows you are trying your best! Don't worry too much about it. It's out of your control that you don't have enough right now it's not like you are blowing it away and being irresponsible. Once you are back on your feet everything will be well again. :)
from broken214 :
Thanks. lol. Just got switched back to every two weeks though. Oh well you will have that. Later.
from xxplaydeadxx :
=( I have no idea...It's really stressing me out. And Linda's...urgh. God, I want to kill her right now. >=/ She's treating us all like shit. It's getting old....Anyway. No problem. :) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm proud of you. For everything. For eating, for not harming yourself, for working really hard on your book. Just everything. I loveses youss! =D
from ungenderless :
You're writing a book? That's awesome! See what I miss when I go away? :(
from broken214 :
Thanks! I am down to bi monthly sessions too. So I guess I am getting better also. Yea! Go me! I so rock! lol. No seriously though I have borderline personality disorder, and my life has been working out pretty decent lately. So I am happy to hear that someone else is feeling better too. So lots of luck Ciao!
from nakedbarista :
I'm jealous that you've got a good group to have write-ins with. We don't even really have a group here. How can someone write for NaNo and be so apathetic? Still, I like the idea of you starting another story. No where in the rules does it say that you have to have coherence. Maybe consider what you wrote before a prologue or "Part 1" to the rest of what you write. I see the beauty in it. Don't trip over semantics-- just write!
from ungenderless :
(((HUGS))) I missed you.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you :D
from miedema2002 :
Congrats!! :D
from broken214 :
You sound like a really awesome person. Hope you give me a pass to your online world. Hugs!
from miedema2002 :
Why not write another story for Nano? it's only the 5th there is still plenty of time to win.
from miedema2002 :
A past psych was almost positive I had it after one session, but he wasn't seeing me after that one time, so no official diagnoses was made but he did write to my doctor saying I had it and that I needed DBT but nothing was done. The Psych search is hard enough! But hopefully this one will be better and I can maybe see her more often than monthly.
from enurta :
I won't be writing because there is too much happening in my life and I have no energy...but good luck to you. I really want to read your book when you're done. <3
from nakedbarista :
I know! I've got two hours and 20 minutes. I feel like such a goober over how excited I am.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've been told that you can gain weight, according to the scale, but your body doesn't necessarily change....I don't know how that works, but it does. Yeah. So don't worry about it. I don't think the numbers are REALLY what matters, it's just how your clothes are fitting. :)
from miedema2002 :
5 months no SI. Congrats! That is wonderful! Keep it up.
from luxelady :
i have such big smiles for you!! five months!! that is awesome!
from anainsight :
Woo-hoo, 5 months without cutting! Way to go! That's fabulous! Keep it up - I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Me too. I added it to my faves that's how much I loved it. Now I just have to rent it so I can visually see what is happening in it lol! The tv is too far away in the lounge so I can't see it at all. All I got were the music and the humorous speech/sound bits but that totally did if for me lol!! I wanna buy it! :)
from nakedbarista :
RE: Oct. 18th entry. Yes. Yes, I have. I know just what you mean. Sadly for me, it's no longer an option. (I emailed you my password at your hotmail acct. Let me know if you don't get it.)
from nakedbarista :
Hi! I'm hopping over from NaNo to request a password! Can you email me at coffeegirl1224 at gmail dot com?
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. Change is turning out to be the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Please don't go anywhere, I need my friends. (((hugs)))
from luxelady :
i ditto enurta's q from below - and the glasses!! tres chic!
from enurta :
i forgot to ask...what is NaNoWriMo and how do I join/start writing?????
from enurta :
Nice glasses! You are beautiful :) I want to write a book too, I have a lot to say...how do I get started? <3
from anainsight :
What's NaNoWriMo? Sorry for being ignorant, I just don't know. Are you going to write a book? That's cool, you can use your experiences to help others who may be going through the same thing. I want to be the first one to have a copy! (((hugs)))
from writergrrl88 :
Your new glasses are fabulous! :)
from enurta :
Sweetie, I was vegan for three years and I got sick because of it. I have a lot of vitamin deficiencies so you should really think long and hard about your decision. Eating cheese and drinking milk is important for the body, especially for us women. We need the calcium. However, itís your choice, I am not judging you in any way. I just want to help. Take care of yourself. May I ask why you are going vegan? I know thereís an obvious answer to that question but I still want to hear it from you. Take care. /enurta
from luxelady :
i think stoneyfield farms has milk protein anyway...is silk the brand that makes O'Soy yogurt? that's pretty damn good. i have yet to find a true vegan cheese that's decent. everyone raves about follow your heart vegan cheese but i think it's nasty. tofutti better than sour cream is AMAZING. wow. you didn't ask for advice but i gave you some anyway. hope you don't mind ;-) good luck!!
from writergrrl88 :
If you want razors, get razors. You're an adult. Have faith in yourself.
from miedema2002 :
You don't have to tell him if you don't want to. It all depends on how important it is to what you guys are in. I haven't had many messages on okcupid either. Where for art thou lesbians???
from miedema2002 :
oh I forgot then all those feelings would all mesh together into making me feel trapped and unhappy. I think that is why I couldn't stay in a long term relationship with a man. With Ty at least I was honest with him and I told him that I felt a void and needing a woman, but that doesn't mean that I didn't try my best to stay with him and make things work. I don't know why I did that...Now that I look at it. He did me a favour. I wanted to make things work with Ty and meanwhile I wasn't happy and I wanted to be in a lesbian relationship. I wanted to dump him but I knew it would still hurt, so I was conflicted. In a way he made the choice for me which now I see is a huge relief! Anyways Like I said before I know that void feeling all too well.
from miedema2002 :
I can relate 100% to the whole needing to be in a lesbian relationship and the whole void feeling. When I was in denial for all those years pretending to myself that I was straight whenever I was in a relationship with a man I always had the same feeling. Something was missing, something isn't complete, the whole feeling in general...doesn't feel right like I should be more into the whole making out, penis thing than I was. Ok maybe not that far for you but anyways I can relate. Do what feels right.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I speak from experience: lesbian relationships = AMAZING. Everything about them...even the funny looks people give you when you walk through wal-mart holding hands. ^-^
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. At least the driver was a young guy and not one of those nasty older men. It was still creepy though. I'm glad it's over.
from xxplaydeadxx :
>=( what the FUCK?! you so don't look like a dude. I PROMISE. Dickhead.
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad that you had a good day. What does one need to do in order to graduate from DBT? That journalling class sounds awesome I wonder if there is one here where I am. I'll look around.
from luxelady :
having something to live for is better than having nothing...but having support like you does make it easier
from xeison :
Thank you so much for letting me read your diary. im glad that you seem to have enjoyed your day. i dont really know you, but from the sound of it you have been doing really well to avoid cutting and that fact that you dont miss the razors for cutting is really good. im sorry that the electric razor burns. Electric things for hygeine are always kind of strange :/.
from luxelady :
they do that (poop in their dish) and i'm sorry to say that they eat it from time to time too...i try not to think about it when i'm getting kisses. your visual journaling class sounds great - were you sent by your therapist or did you find out about it on your own? that sounds like something i'd like to do.
from xxplaydeadxx :
rawr. like 99% of the time, any razors other than like venus or solei give me major razor burn. >.<
from miedema2002 :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderfuck
from anainsight :
Hey sweetie, thanks for your note. I'm so glad you didn't let your bitchy boss get you down. I'm proud of you for realizing it was her issue and not yours - keep it up! (((hugs)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
I forgot to tell you: my last name is Parker...wait. I think you musta seen that on Facebook. I just started that a few days ago. :).......um, yeah. I'll give you my number. ^-^ I just can't call you or anything. :'(
from miedema2002 :
You're lucky that it takes a lot to trigger you. I am so easily triggered it's pathetic. Hope you are having a good day. Enjoy your weekend despite not seeing Stephen. Maybe hang with some other friends and party it up! :D
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'm sorry if the entry was triggering. You're right we both understand the addiction of self-injury even though our purposes of wanting to do so are different. I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. I hate people who project their anger onto others and ruin the atmosphere! I know people like that and it sucks! Good thing you avoided your boss that was a smart move! The weekend should be better. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for ya.
from xeison :
Thank you so much for you kind note and believing in me. im sorry i took so long to answer. May i ask, what the username and password are to your diary? Thank you again, your note, really means a lot to me.
from luxelady :
i wish we lived close - i need a friend like you
from xxsorrowxx :
Jayna is my bitch faced christian hypocrite whore of a mother.She makes me feel quite bad about myself a lot of the time.
from miedema2002 :
My dad had what yours does. My dad had to take a few months off of work because he was in so much pain all he could do was lay on the couch and even then pain. He had the surgery and is better now, but he still has his back pain days. Don't worry the surgery is pretty quick if he does need it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
You don't have to thank me...I hope you and Stephen have fun. >=D Is Friday the day you're planning to have sex? [very forward, i guess, but I was just curious. :P]
from luxelady :
"I feel like nobody hears my pain. Like, people think that just because I am healthy, that I must be all better, that it doesn't hurt quite so bad anymore. That concept is a lie." oh hunny if you only knew how much that resonates with me - i just wrote in my paper diary "i want to be so skinny and broken on the outside to people would finally see how broken i am on the inside" what a lonely feeling, all this pain trapped on the inside where to the outside we appear just fine. i feel ya babe. oh and in my opinion, i've seen a pic and you are NOT FAT. don't know if that helps though -
from infinityfye :
Don't give up. "Facilis descensus averno."
from anainsight :
Just because you look a certain way or are acting in a more healthy way around food does not mean that everything is "all better". You are right, that concept is a lie. I hear your pain and all I can say is, I love you and please don't give up the fight. I would be very unhappy if you disappeared.
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh my god I'm crying. God, I really DO know what you feel like. But, Emily, you're so pretty, and you really aren't fat. Honey, I'm 246, and have eating disorders. I KNOW what it feels like to not feel like you really count as eating disorders b/c you're not emaciated. It's so hard. It makes you want to just keep on till you die, I know. God, I've been thinking those exact same thoughts the last few days, and I want to just hug you until all your pain goes away. I'm so sorry you feel like this. I wish you didn't. I wish I could make you feel better. I love you.
from infinityfye :
Hey, Umm, can I have the user name and password please?
from miedema2002 :
You too hun. Definetly treat yourself on your anniversary date! Something real special.
from anainsight :
You should definitely do something nice for yourself on that anniversary - maybe buy yourself something nice, or treat yourself to a non-fat mocha, or just pat yourself on the back. I am so proud of you. (((hugs)))
from luxelady :
i've got an anniversary coming up too - last october was my first hospitalization...isn't weird to think about it now? for me it feels like eons ago...
from miedema2002 :
Wow sounds interesting! After your first Visual Journaling class can you please fill me in on what it's all about? I'm curious. Congrats on it being a year since you've been in hospital. That is a huge accomplishment.
from miedema2002 :
I'm so glad that you are slowly regaining control over your ED again. That makes me happy! I'm glad that your therapist noticed how well you are doing! I think all of us here at Dland have seen a huge leap of recovery and happiness out of you. Keep it up! :D
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. It helps me feel like I am not alone. I have to keep remembering that Kika has gone on to the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me and that one day I'll see her again. It's just that it hurts so bad right now. Thanks for thinking about me (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Love the tattoo!! Beautiful!! :D Thanks for the advice too. I'll look for a good one who has a stylist just for men.
from luxelady :
i'm loving it!!!
from anainsight :
I love the new tattoo! Make sure to wear clothes that show it off, don't keep it hidden. You should be proud of it and boy I bet it hurt something fierce.
from miedema2002 :
Cool. So you guys are a couple then I guess.
from xxsorrowxx :
You can get condoms at Wal-Mart...In the pharmacy section...Yeah...Umumum, what are you getting for your tattoo?I wanna see!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yay tatoo! ^_^
from miedema2002 :
The pill does not provide 100% protection, nor does a condom, but together is much higher then one or the other. If he refuses to wear a condom DO NOT have sex! It is very important! You could still have something happen. Condoms break, contraception fails! So you still have to be careful. Read up on different contraceptions and talk to your doctor and let her know you are sexually active. I don't mean to make you nervous, but sex is a serious thing emotionally and physically when it comes to the inside of your body. It is crucial you know as much info and know your options. Good luck and congrats!!
from anainsight :
You absolutely should NOT talk to him about the condoms, unless it's to say that they are a MUST - if he refuses to wear one, don't do it. Your first priority is protecting yourself, and you never know about those six other people he's been with. Look in the section of the drugstore where they have the cures for yeast infections (like Monistat, you know)? Good luck to you and make protection your #1 priority! (((hugs)))
from razor-vixen :
Usually they're in the family planning section of the drugstore. Just walk the aisles & you'll find them. Of course they come in different sizes....maybe it's best if he buys them, then they'll fit properly. Don't let him talk you out of using them, guys try to do that.
from dimstar :
You go girl :)
from miedema2002 :
Congrats!! :D It wasn't too much detail at all. I have the same problem lol!
from enurta :
Haha :D It's not swedish at all! MY name is arabic and persian. <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
YOU NAUGHTY GIRL!!! :P I'm glad you like him so much, and he was caring enough to let YOU decide. ^-^
from anainsight :
I am really, really glad that you've met someone whom you can be happy with. I'm glad he turned out to be a nice guy. You're very lucky. peace!
from writergrrl88 :
I think it's great you found someone you can enjoy sexual experimentation with respects you (your body, limits, and desires). Yay for great days and nights!
from miedema2002 :
I don't judge you at all. IF you felt comfortable and you felt right doing sexual things with him then that is wonderful! I'm happy for you! congrats on the experience and finding an awesome guy!
from enurta :
that's great! I'm glad you've met someone that makes you happy... :) and by the way, do you have facebook??? <3
from enurta :
The boy, (I call him Urban): http://img523.imageshack.us/img523/8158/hpim0035za0.jpg And the girl, (I call her Sandra): http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/3967/hpim0204ack2.jpg
from enurta :
Thanks <3 What kind of hamster do you have? I have two dwarf hamsters, a boy and a girl...but they don't live in the same cage. I've had them both for almost 2 years. How long have you had your hamster?? Can I see pics? :)
from xxsorrowxx :
The username and p/w are both me.Danielle says you're awesomely awesome.=]Can I get your username and p/w too?
from enurta :
here's a pic of Tom, he is almost 4 years old and I've had him since he was a little kitten. http://i8.tinypic.com/523q70k.jpg Here's a pic of Mickey, he is 1 year old, and he is Tom's son. http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/1190/hpim0785sg8.jpg And here's a pic of my tattoo; http://i14.tinypic.com/2j1lax5.jpg
from miedema2002 :
I wish you luck with Jenny tomorrow.
from luxelady :
i love getting tattoos!!! i'm so jealous! what are you getting?? xx luxe
from x-razor-x :
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2007-8/1276315/08-24-07_1647.jpg That's Laila. :) http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2007-8/1276315/09-01-07_2026.jpg That's Angel's dog, Aida. http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2007-8/1276315/lainylaila.jpg the orange is Lainy. ^_^ .....Did you delete your MySpace? I haven't seen yours on my friends lately. :(
from enurta :
What are you going to get tattooed??? What kind of tattoo do you have now? You should post pics! I have a tattoo too...N's name in Arabic. It's beautiful. I am going to get another one two weeks from now. A paw, so I won't forget how much I love my cats...tattoos can be beautiful. But I understand why your parents feel like that, my parents think the same...but you are over 18, you can do whatever you want and it's your choice if you want them to know about the tattoo or not. Just don't feel bad about it. Be happy! Take care. <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
If it makes you feel any better, I, who weighs TWO FUCKING FORTY-SIX, ate a pb sandwich, chips, another sandwhich, more chips w/dip, a hamburger, more chips, a danish, two resse's...um. Yeah. And some pb fudge. So there. :( Don't feel bad for eating that stuff.
from luxelady :
maybe you could leave out some treats for her? did you check all the dark places, underneath furniture, behind appliances? that's where my girls usually hide...hope you find her! xx luxe
from enurta :
Iím sorry your friend did that to you. Iím sorry that you got scared but I understand whyÖI hope you are feeling better now. *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
I TOLD Dr. Raggio about 25mg knocking me out. But he said to make my 'friend' go away, I SHOULD be taking like 4-500mg. =O I would DIE if I took THAT much! =S ......I'm sorry that Scott got drunk. And pissed at him, b/c he shouldn't have lied to you. And if he DID want to get drunk, he shoulda waited until he was at home, so you wouldn't have had to be around him. :( I love you.
from anainsight :
I agree with you. Friends don't treat friends like that. Don't talk to him for a while. Maybe he'll get the message.
from mirrors-lie :
Hey there, can I have your password etc? [email protected] Thanks!
from xxplaydeadxx :
lmao. I can't believe you changed your comment thingo about me to THAT. hahaha. :)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. Your words helped me a lot. :)
from anainsight :
Why don't you think you're eating enough to take your meds? What you had yesterday sounds like plenty, not all that many psychotropic drugs need to be taken with food. I agree with Jenny, get back on them before your levels drop - then you could be in real trouble. I think I also agree with her about facebook because you do tend to compare your body with others' bodies. Your body is just fine the way it is. Remember I'm here if you need to talk.
from anainsight :
Hooray for you! You shouldn't feel piggish, that sounds just fine. Hopefully after your session tomorrow you won't feel so numb. I hope I won't feel like such a hog, but I'm not sure. All I ate for dinner was vegetables, so I'm going to tell myself, "ok, that's all" and be done with it. Take care and good luck tomorrow! (((hugs)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
:( I love you. You're not a pig. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, despite how cheesy that sounds. *hugs*
from anainsight :
Thanks for your sweet note. I get really, really down on myself when I screw up with my eating. Thanks for reminding me that my thinking is off. (((hugs)))
from enurta :
thanks <3
from enurta :
I never was off my meds...I thought about it, I wrote about it, I was supposed to not take my meds today but I took them. I've changed my mind...I need my meds right now.
from miedema2002 :
when I say fall back I mean letting the ED consume you like the past. A slip up here and there is ok as long as you can get back up on that horse.
from miedema2002 :
You are not alone in the feeling of wanting to forget about recovery and go back to our addictions. I hope you stay strong and don't fall back. You have done so well for so long! Keep fighting because it only gets harder once you fall back again. Please push those screaming voices away.
from anainsight :
Listen, I want to tell you something - I started restricting and I started GAINING weight, not losing it. I saw Paige on Thursday and I've been eating exactly like I should ever since and already my clothes are looser. If I were you I'd trust Pat on this one. I decided to trust Paige and it's paying off for me. Good luck, and call me if you need to talk.
from enurta :
Iím not going to tell him that I am off my meds. I donít trust him because I havenít met him yet I guessÖ.Iím just scared of the reaction, heís going to say that itís a bad idea. I know he will because Iím a schizophrenic. But I think I have the right to have children anyway. I would never harm my own child, and I would take care of it. But I have to wait and see how I react without the meds. Maybe Iím not strong enough, if there is any problem, I have to start taking the meds again and forget about having a baby. And about meds that donít harm the babyÖthere is always a chance that meds can harm the baby. I am too cautious. I want to be completely medicine free.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok, so I absolutely HATE that song, but it really actually makes sense with the whole e.d. thing.....YES! Keep it awayyy! Don't let it take you over again. You're better than that. ♥
from luxelady :
you have no idea...no more chik'n, no more buffalo wings....although they do make a decent vegan burger...xx luxe
from dimstar :
I am so glad you have Pat. You are worth recovery Em. (((hug)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
I appreciate it, but you can't just do it for us. You have to want it for yourself too. K? You have to know that you're worth it. You're not fat, you're not ugly, you're not a bad person, you don't deserve the pain of starving and cutting. K? K. I ♥ you a lot. Tell the screaming thoughts in your head that I said to fuck off and leave you alone. *hugs* Love you.
from dimstar :
Em, remember, for yourself, recovery is worth it. And ed plans never ever go as we plan. When I was a young teenager I had this "dream anorexia plan" Of getting down to half of my target weight. It never worked that way, never happened, even though I got sick as hell! Keep fighting love. I am always here for you :)
from writergrrl88 :
You will make it through this time. You're very strong and you've made it through much worse. You are beautiful, Em, and I hope one day you'll see yourself through the eyes of others so you can see your beauty.
from dimstar :
Hey Em :) I am so glad that you are fighting the thoughts and reaching out for help. I know how difficult it is to resist them. Even if you do fall one meal, one day, don't let that slip bring you down. Failing isn't slips, its completely giving in. Having said that, remember to do everything you can not to slip at all! I am soooo glad you were able to stick with your meal plan. You amaze me so much. I am really happy that we are both in recovery :) Keep it up honey. You rock.
from miedema2002 :
oh and follow the meal plan.
from miedema2002 :
awww I hope tomorrow is better. You are strong. Please don't give in. It will stop. It will get better. Just remember when the urges are strong they will pass so the key is to wait them out and distract yourself.
from miedema2002 :
Please son't give in. You are strong you can fight this. You have been doing so well.
from miedema2002 :
Really? Let's lean on each other. How was your day horrific?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. 3 more months until 1 year. It's odd I feel like I shouldn't be having cravings after this long, but I do, but I guess it gets better the more time goes by. Your size is perfectly normal. I'm the same size actually. Just remember health does not equal weight loss. As long as you feel healthy and well nourished on the inside that is all that matters! Health is the only important thing.
from anainsight :
Just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with a size 11/12. What I wouldn't give to be that small. See, it's all relative. Just make a decision that you're going to be OK with yourself at your current size and have that be the end of it. I'm glad you had a good time on your vacation. (((hugs)))
from luxelady :
hellllloooo foxxxy lady!!
from miedema2002 :
I see that! I'm glad it all worked out. Thanks for the cheer up. I've been feeling down today for some reason.
from dimstar :
Hey Em :) I am so happy to see you doing better. Of course, its a friggin struggle, but I am so happy you are hanging in there. I don't know if you can see it or not but you've made huge steps. I am always here for you. xo Gwen
from miedema2002 :
wait...I don't think that made sense basically you if you get a template that doesn't have image hosting on the site you can host the images yourself. There that sounds better.
from miedema2002 :
Oh I forgot to mention this is also a good way to provide your own image hosting for template sites that don't have their own.
from miedema2002 :
You wanna know how to post pics? I'll tell you! :) I'll tell you how I do it. Sign up to photobucket.com(it's free) after your account is set up you will see three empty boxes with the Browse button to the right of them. This means you can upload one to three pictures at a time. Let's pretend you only have one to upload right now. Click on browse and go to your saved pictures on your computer and find the one you want. Click it and the code will be placed in the box. Go down the screen until you see a large button that says Upload. Click it and if the file fits between the minimum/maximum size limits then you will see a screen with a long blue bar giving the percentage of how much it's uploading. Once it hits 100% it will take you back to the previous upload screen. Scroll down and you will see your image most likely at the bottom left hand corner of the screen. Bellow it are different codes. Go to the last code underneath the pic that says: IMG Code. highlight and copy it onto your entry page. When pasted you will see this: [IMG]http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n273/accountname/mhr.jpg[/IMG] Now this is where it gets tricky I don't understand why you have to do this, but anyways. You have to change the IMG links to make it show up. You have to change the above code into this: <img src=http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n273/accountname/mhr.jpg> And that should make your image show up on your entries. Voila! Feel free to ask me if you need any help.
from emaciana :
get a labret! i love piercings. as you know. my lip ring hasn't done anything to my gums, but it's offcentre... so maybe that's why. you could probably get a silicone backing, could you not? i like your password. very easy to remember. =)
from miedema2002 :
What's a labret piercing? I can't picture what that would look like.
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I hate all this stress right now! Wish me luck tomorrow.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Haha, I know. Lainy and Laila are the cutest kittens in the world, ever. Or am I being biast? :P *sigh* Angel's here now, and she of course know about my eating disorder, so I can't do anything bad. I really want to though. Just not eat, any, ever again. B/c I'm so fat. You've seen pictures of me. I'm huge, right? My mom told me I could be a *plus size* model. Angel and my girlfriend and Catherine agreed.........But they're all full of shit. Liars. :( How much do you weigh right now? Is it a healthy weight? I know you probably don't want "healthy", but...I don't know. Try really hard not to slip back into old ways. I don't want you getting hurt, dammit! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
Haha, I know. Lainy and Laila are the cutest kittens in the world, ever. Or am I being biast? :P *sigh* Angel's here now, and she of course know about my eating disorder, so I can't do anything bad. I really want to though. Just not eat, any, ever again. B/c I'm so fat. You've seen pictures of me. I'm huge, right? My mom told me I could be a *plus size* model. Angel and my girlfriend and Catherine agreed.........But they're all full of shit. Liars. :( How much do you weigh right now? Is it a healthy weight? I know you probably don't want "healthy", but...I don't know. Try really hard not to slip back into old ways. I don't want you getting hurt, dammit! ♥
from luxelady :
the book is so fucking rad - READ IT!! xx luxe
from enurta :
The book is a thousand times better than the movie. You just HAVE to read the book.... :)
from miedema2002 :
awww Thank you so much! I am very proud of you too. More than you could ever know. You have come so far and I wish only the best for you in the future. Have a great vacation. :)
from anainsight :
I'm so glad you're going on vacation, it will be good for you while Jenny's gone. Have a great time, I'll text you if you want me to - just let me know. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Sweet!! Have fun on your vacation! I'm so happy that you get to go this year and have fun. Just be patient Stephen will come around. Maybe he's shy or nervous? He sounds like a sweety though. Take care.
from xxplaydeadxx :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed you so effing much!!!!! I've read a shitload of your entries. Not all of them yet, but quiteeee a few. OOOOOOOOOOHHH. Stephen, huh? I hope it works out for you guys! Is he nice? Cute? Funny? How'd you meet? I want the details! =D I'm proud of you for not hurting yourself and for eating ========================<-cat did that [almost] right. :)Keep it up! ♥ youuu!!!!
from enurta :
She is sick. She has been sick for 4 months. <3
from writergrrl88 :
I just got back into town and discovered your diary was newly locked. [email protected] Thanks. :)
from luxelady :
hey!! pw please!!!! xx luxe
from razor-vixen :
I would love to have the password: [email protected], Thanks!
from anainsight :
I hope when Jenny's gone it will be easier on you than it was on me with Linda being gone. Primarily because it seems to me that you have a life. You have Steven, and you have your family, and a job, and all the classes and groups you go to and take. Me, on the other hand, I have nothing - hardly any friends, nowhere to go, etc. You should be able to distract yourself fairly easily - just keep busy. And if you need to call, feel free. I'm no therapist but at least I can be a listening ear. You can do it, I know you can! (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Thanks I'm trying. Baby steps.
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I think I will have to start practicing it it daily as well. But I never knew about it until recently, so now that I know about it and what it means I can try it. I hope things are going well for you.
from ungenderless :
Thanks, I was checking your diary earlier today and came across that obstacle, and I was like, "well...crap."
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for the e-mail. Tomorrow begins a new week, and on Thursday Linda will be back. I'm so glad; I feel like I regressed something awful while she was gone. I didn't hardly even leave my house. I just hope she won't be too disappointed with me. But tomorrow is another day, a new week and another chance to try to get it right. Right?
from anainsight :
I hope you'll share the password with me; I know you probably had a good reason for locking. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Yes, may I have the password as well? Why did you lock all of a sudden?
from enurta :
password please? I'd love to continue reading your diary...if that's okay with you. you can send the user/pass to [email protected] i hope everything is alright with you. *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the support. I'm glad that you and Stephen are doing well! I'm so happy for you! congrats! I am greatful for my assistance too, it's just hard when dad doesn't understand and he doesn't realize how much things cost for how little I get. I know my last entry sounded horrible and I wouldn't blame you for hating me after reading it. But it was mainly blowing off steam. I have lots of anger in me that I have no clue how to get rid of.
from ivyparker :
Cool. I just never heard that word before. Thanks for taking the time to educate me.
from ivyparker :
I know I'm an idiot for asking and should look it up, but I'm afraid I might not find the definition. What's pansexual?
from enurta :
hospitals make everything worse. i hate hospitals. maybe you know what i mean? i panic when i'm in the hospital, there's something about the psychiatric wards that scare me.
from luxelady :
i swear that guys live in their own bubble, on their own planet, in their own galaxy in a world far, far, away...they just don't get it, do they?? xx luxe
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note - I don't think it's actually hit me yet that Linda's gone because Thursday hasn't gotten here yet. When I miss my session is when it'll probably start to hit me. I tried calling my psychiatrist today to get an appointment but she's out of town. So I really am all on my own. But I'll get through it because I promised that I would.
from anainsight :
If the thing with Steven is meant to be, it'll work out. If not, there will be another to take his place. Just wait a little longer, you'll be fine. I know this simply because I've survived a LONG time without anyone, and I just know you'll find someone, probably quicker than I ever could. No need to reach through the computer to throttle them, either...
from luxelady :
thanks for the congrats babe!! xx luxe
from anainsight :
I don't know if it would be possible for me to work part time. This is just a bad time for this to happen because Linda JUST left to go out of town yesterday and I'm stuck holding the bag, so to speak, until she returns. It's terribly anxiety-provoking and I don't know how to handle it - I'm unable to discuss it with her and she would be the best judge as to whether or not I could work. I just don't know. I know you don't pray but please keep me in your thoughts. This is as scared as I've been in a LONG time.
from anainsight :
I'm so glad you're feeling better. :)
from anainsight :
I'm not going to tell you how old I am but I have never really dated anyone myself. Partly because I'm too ugly but mostly because I'm too picky. I used to worry about it all the time, sometimes I still do, but I agree with writergrrl - if you just keep your eyes and your heart open, then the right person will show up some day, probably when you least expect it. As to your virginity, keep it along with your heart for the right one. I'm not trying to be old-fashioned and say "save yourself for marriage" or anything like that, I just mean to say that it is a precious gift that you don't want to give to just anybody. In the words of the Indigo Girls, "Love will come to you."
from writergrrl88 :
When it's right, love often finds you. It just drops into your lap when you're least expecting it. There's nothing wrong with looking, but doing so is usually full of false leads and angst. I wish you the best on your journey -- and that the right one finds you when it's time.
from miedema2002 :
I know exactly how you feel. I am having a hard time out there too. I always seem to only have 1 date with the person and then that's it they friend zone me because they are either confused or want to play the field or don't want to date to begin with! It's tough out there I know. I'm trying to not let it bother me so much because usually you find love when you aren't looking for it and you are cool with life at the moment. Don't worry about being a virgin that is a good thing, don't be in a rush to give it away. It's precious, so save it for someone you have been with for a long time and feel ready for. If it's any consolation if I lived closer I'd ask you on a date. :) Good luck.
from miedema2002 :
www.pinkcupid.com is a lesbian personals site if that interests you. www.plentyoffish.com is not bad either. Just incase you are curious.
from anainsight :
Hey there, I'm glad you're meeting new people and making friends off that site. I only wish I had the courage to try it myself. But remember what I told you. Save your heart for the right one. And if someone's asking you right off what size you are and what you look like then he's shallow. It shouldn't matter what size you are or what you look like - it's what's inside. You are perfect the way you are, and never forget that! (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
No prob. Then people who come to your page can see what people write about you and I wanted to write something good so people will know how wonderful you are.
from miedema2002 :
Hey that's cool. I've been on okcupid for months and despite my shitty luck in actually finding a relationship, I have had dates and made great friends off that site. I wish you luck! :)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. And you never know. We may meet in person one day if you decide to come to Toronto Canada at some point in your life lol! I agree with the rest of your buddies. It's Corys loss. HE is not worth YOUR awesomness! We know how to treat people right! And one day we will find people who deserve us!
from enurta :
You are so right, it's HIS LOSS. I wish I could have your attitude :) Take care of your beautiful self.
from ungenderless :
Stupid Cory! Well you are right; it is HIS loss. I'm glad that you are taking it so well.
from dimstar :
I am so proud of you... You are amazing. I hope you realize that. xo Gwen
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It really means a lot to me to have my friends cheering me on, mainly because I've got so far to go and it's easy to get discouraged. Listen, I wouldn't worry so much about losing weight. You're only about 10-15 pounds away from a healthy weight. Me, I'm the entire opposite. It just takes you longer. you're doing all the right things. The most important thing that you're doing, though, is that when you do mess up and maybe eat a little more than you should, you're practicing Radical Acceptance and letting it go and not resorting to harming yourself. I am so very proud of you. Keep it up. And don't worry about Cory, if all he wants is sex then he isn't for you. Save your heart for the right one. He/she will come along eventually. (((hugs)))
from razor-vixen :
Yeah, what you did, was not sleep with a jerk who only wanted sex! Don't blame yourself. He was actually a sleeze in disguise. Those type of people are not worth your time.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I wish that all my friends would be so understanding. I just got lectured by Martha. I made the mistake of telling her I felt depressed and she jumped all over me. I wanted to call you so bad because I needed someone to talk to but my cell phone battery's charging. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I can't wait for today to be over.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for adding them. It is much easier to maneuver between entries now. Smart thinking to wait until Tuesday. That is long enough to see if he will contact you or not. What a jerk if he doesn't call. But don't worry there are plenty of people out there.
from miedema2002 :
awww I'm sorry. How long has it been? Maybe he has just been busy? or maybe he is at a friends? I'm sure it's a legitimate excuse. Maybe you'll see him on the bus again? But if not then he is a bastard!
from miedema2002 :
Hi, umm I was wondering if I could ask a favour. Could you please put a previous and next links in your diary? It would save me from having to go into the olders page all the time. If you have them there and I don't see them I'm sorry about that. But if you don't want to that's cool too. Just a thought... link: <a href=%%prev%%><b>Previous</b></a> + <a href=%%next%%><b>Next</b></a>
from anainsight :
I think you're smart to know to call Tracey if you need her, and remember you can always call me if you can't get through to her for some reason. Even late at night, I may be a little groggy but I'll wake up eventually :)
from anainsight :
I think I'm going to just suck up and deal while Linda's gone. The reason is, I don't want her to think that I'm regressing or anything. If I do call her replacement, whom I don't know anyway, I think it will be a sign of regression. At least you *know* Tracey. I don't know this Christine at all and I doubt she knows much about me. I don't really see how she could do anything for me. Maybe you should do the same thing - if you manage to get through her absence without freaking out or anything, maybe she will be convinced that you *really* want to get better, like you wrote her in that letter. I don't know, just a thought. I'm just going to be extra, extra nice to myself while Linda's gone. I don't know, I guess I just want to make sure that I can get along, you know? Just in case something happens. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm so glad you had a marvelous time! (wink, wink) You don't have to tell him anything about the therapy or the meds or the DBT or anything that you don't want to tell him, if you want, all you need say is, "yes, I have had some problems but I'm working on them" and let it go at that. Be good!
from enurta :
good luck with your date! I hope you'll have fun :) ps. ofcourse your body is perfect! you are beautiful! <3
from ungenderless :
You DO have a nice body, sweetie. And there are other people who think so. Cory is proof, yes? So, that's really awesome that you have a date! Yay! Try not to worry about the sex. If he's as nice as he sounds, he will work with you and not make your first time awkward or embarrassing. As for the date...just be you, because you're a really great person.
from miedema2002 :
Interesting stuff eh? It taught me a lot about orientation and gender etc. when I was exploring. It's a great site for virtually everything you are trying to find out about!
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I am feeling better now.
from miedema2002 :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on the date! Hope it goes well. Here is a thought, if you are into labels, maybe you are pansexual. I consider myself pansexual/lesbian. Pansexual in general means you are attracted to individuals because of their personalities, not their gender or genetalia etc. With me I consider myself pansexual just because I am attracted to the individual emotionally first. It is also a broader term of the word bisexual because bi refers to only two genders male or female, where pan refers to all people: male, female, genderless, genderqueer, intersex, and even the whole transgender spectrum. I also say lesbian because I know I am attracted to vagina and not the penis. Now that can be frustrating when I feel attracted emotionally to a man, but not physically, but there are ways around that I'm learning. Just a thought. Don't worry too much about labels really. Sexuality is fluid. Just enjoy the moment when it arises. Oh and about telling your parents I wouldn't even bother. My counselor said that I don't have to tell my parents anything I don't want to because my sexual orientation is my business. Why stress about it? It's all about who you love right? I hope this helps you a bit with your confusion.
from anainsight :
Hope the date goes well - just remember to meet in a public place the first few times. Better safe than sorry. Glad you finally got your check - did you do the direct deposit thing? It's the best way. Send me a text message and let me know how it goes. I'd give you some advice but I haven't been on a date in so long I forget how lolz.
from ungenderless :
The other day on Will & Grace, this female sgtripper gave Jack a lapdance. Well, turns out he got aroused by her, and he was freaking out cos he took pride in being gay. Later on we find out that 'she' was actually a 'he' who was crossdressing. I'm just saying...you never know. ^__~
from dimstar :
Hey Hon, We learned in bio psych that no one is completely gay and no one is completely straight... everyone falls somewhere on the line, some more on one side or the other, some in the middle.... I am sorry your metabolism isn't going is fast as you want. Be kind to yourself. Our bodies need a lot of time to heal! xo Gwen
from writergrrl88 :
You don't have to be bi or lesbian ... you can just be you. You can be attracted to individuals rather than genders -- and deciding to be label-free will make your life a lot less complicated. (That's my opinion, anyway, since I went back and forth for awhile before deciding -- some people, I'm attracted to ... most, I'm not.)
from ungenderless :
Sweetie, I've seen photos of you on MySpace, and I think that you are very, very pretty.
from ungenderless :
You have a MySpace?! Oh please please please can I have it so that I can friend request you?
from enurta :
And I forgot to write; don't worry about your weight. The most important thing is to be healthy. You are beautiful no matter what you weigh. Just take care of yourself, ok? *hugs*
from enurta :
happy birthday sweetie! <3
from writergrrl88 :
I hope you'll post some pics on MySpace as well. :)
from ungenderless :
Oh, and thanks for the flattering comments about my stories. You two are making me blush! Lol!
from ungenderless :
Happy Birthday sweetie! I hope that you have a wonderful day today. I'm going to lighting off a firework just for you. It's going to be one of those pretty flowers, that changes colors. **Big Hugs**
from miedema2002 :
I agree Ungenderless' stuff is hot! Such talent. I have to figure out a place to hide my porn also. Especially when I move to another res room in August.
from writergrrl88 :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and I hope your foot feels better soon)
from luxelady :
the happiest of birthdays for you my dear!! xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Happy B-day!!!! *streamers and fireworks*
from anainsight :
Hey, what's up? You SHOULD have gotten your SS check, the 3rd is the day. And if I were you, I would, as soon as Thursday comes, call the SSA and get your check direct deposited. That means you will have to either send them a voided check or read off your routing and account numbers (across the bottom of the check). That means no more waiting on the postman, you can just go online at your bank's web site to check if it's there. The 3rd is the day, esp. with a holiday coming. Good luck and Happy, Happy Birthday! I won't call since you'll be at your parents but maybe I'll try to send a text message or something.
from miedema2002 :
Happy early b-day! WOOO!!! 22 is a cool age!
from ungenderless :
You were born on the 4th of July? That's AWESOME! I am so going to be thinking about you when the fireworks go off on that day. I'll be thinking, "Hey, they're celebrating Emily's birthday!" ^__^
from anainsight :
Happy birthday! You have the same birthday as my beloved sister-in-law. I think it's cool to have a birthday on a holiday, esp. one as cool as the 4th of July. Just think, all those firecrackers are for you! Don't worry about the money thing. You'll get yourself straightened out eventually. I've been spending a lot more money than I should lately, too. I think I'm going to do the same thing with my credit cards that you did with your checkbook. I'm going to put them in my safety deposit box at the bank so I won't be tempted to do any more "phone shopping". It's so easy to forget that you really are on a limited budget. Don't let yourself panic over it. peace!
from writergrrl88 :
If you start adding a bit more caffeine to your daily intake (such as No-Doz, which adds caffeine but no liquid) and cut down on how much you sleep each night (trimming just an hour or two off nightly), you'd notice some weight loss within a couple of weeks. :)
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on holding that pose for the longest you ever have! I'm proud of you for all your accomplishments so far. You're a strong person!
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad things are sorted out with Jenny and you feel good about things now.
from anainsight :
Seriously, I wouldn't worry about Jenny. She's probably preoccupied. Didn't she just get married? She'll see you when she'll see you. It'll be OK. Go ahead and sleep tonight.
from luxelady :
do you eat the morningstar fake chicken nuggets?? those are the best!!! and kudos for you for learning to look at yourself differently! xx luxe
from anainsight :
I think that is awesome how it made you feel better just to decide to put the whole situation away! And you were able to distract yourself. Way to go! And I'm sure you *are* beautiful. I've never seen your picture but I'm sure you are. I wish I could adopt such a healthy attitude about my own body. anyway. Keep it up. peace!
from anainsight :
I think you are entirely right to want to let go of all this. I think it will be a lot easier for you if you can. And I also think you are absolutely 100% right that if it hadn't happened now, it would have happened eventually. I am with you all the way in your trying to let this go and I hope you know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is call. peace!
from anainsight :
You don't have to pray if you don't want to. It's perfectly acceptable for you to not participate in the prayers. Just be silent for a moment and respect their right to pray and appreciate your right not to. You don't have to come out to your family if you don't want to. You don't have to come out to anybody if you don't want to. You're free to live as you choose, and it frankly isn't their business to know anything about it. It's a wonderful thing to be free. Thanks for being there for me when I called earlier. You know you can call me if you ever need to; I almost always have my cell phone on me. Even if it's the middle of the night - I won't mind. I may be a little bit groggy but I'll wake up. anyway. Hope you have a good weekend. peace!
from writergrrl88 :
As a fellow pagan, I find that just sitting silently while anyone around me who feels the need prays allows them the feeling they need without making me uncomfortable. Saying, "I'm sorry, I don't pray aloud," and then just sitting there (maybe even with your head bowed) will avoid a confrontation most of the time. I am sorry about your situation ... I can't tell most of my family (or co-workers, honestly) that I'm pagan, and I know it can be hard.
from miedema2002 :
Yes, good luck to you too. Seems like we have much in common. We are the unique ones, but that is also what makes us special. No plain old blah traditional way for us! We feel how we feel and fight for acceptance of who we are. We will make it.
from ungenderless :
OMG, I used to be obsessed with the X-Files, too! Moulder was a God to me! And congrats on your commitment to therapy, I think that you're making the right decision.
from ungenderless :
Aww, thank you very much. I try to be as loving, patient and nurturing a I can be. I'm by no means perfect, and I question my decisions sometimes. Thank you for your kind words.
from enurta :
Well, if you don't like traditional weddings you can always get married in a court house. you just have to sign a few papers that's all. that's how i got married anyway ;)
from anainsight :
See, isn't DBT a wonderful thing! It's so easy to get totally in emotion mind and forget about wise mind. You keep it up gurl. I am so stoked for you.
from anainsight :
I agree with writergrrl8 - you can be or do anything you want to do. My therapist told me that it was up to me whether or not I wanted to change, and I had to come to the realization on my own that she couldn't do it for me. When I did, it became somewhat easier to go through with the sessions. They're still hard, but I'm not just sitting blankly before her because I have a goal. If you would make a list of long term goals (e.g. getting back in school) and short term goals (e.g. eating your meal plan, stopping the SI, etc.) that would probably satisfy Jenny. I think you're doing wonderful. Don't let this seeming setback let you get so far down - it's just a little bump in the road.
from writergrrl88 :
This is my opinion -- you shouldn't have to go to therapy or DBT that you don't want to. However, you are a brilliant, wonderful person, and you deserve to get well. If you want to have those tools at your disposal, you should be able to have them. You can finish school. You can be anything you want to be, because you are a smart, capable woman. You are worthy of feeling healthy, being mentally stimulated through studies and/or work, and or realizing that you are beautiful inside and out. I hope that you'll realize how worthy you are and decide that even if your current therapy isn't what you want, that you deserve wellness.
from writergrrl88 :
As long as the University you want to return to is a state-funded school (not a private school), all you should have to do to appeal your financial aid is get documentation from a doctor saying that you were unable to complete your coursework for medical reasons (they don't even have to specify what those reasons were most of the time), and that you are now medically ready to return to school (and if there are any restrictions, such as keeping to half-time or giving you extra time to complete assignments, the doctor should specify those as well). You would take that to the financial aid department, who will probably refer you to the Dean of Students (who deals with "circumstances" regarding several aspects of campus life and student situations). It's a fairly easy process (I have a friend who did it a few years ago, and she's in grad school now).
from ungenderless :
You're doing great sweetie, just keep taking it one day at a time. **Hugs**
from luxelady :
you are so right...at least she is peaceful now...but i still miss her so much...xx luxe
from anainsight :
Hey there, glad you updated. :) I think you're having the same problem I have, meaning your weight fluctuates so much in one day. Yesterday I weighed myself and I weighed four pounds more than in the morning. This morning it was all gone. It's either fluid, or in your case since you're exercising so much, it's muscle mass. Paige is making me promise to stick to one day a week to stand on the scale. It's awfully hard but I'm glad she's doing it. anyway. Sorry your phone lines were down. Call or message me soon. peace!
from ungenderless :
Your boss is an idiot. Every other boss in the world would be thrilled to be having you work so much.
from anainsight :
Some people just don't know when to keep their mouths shut, they just open up and vomit their spite and nastiness all over the nearest target, usually the most vulnerable one. It makes them feel powerful. Do me a favor and don't let her get to you. You'll find something else to do, I promise. And if worse comes to worse, file a discrimination lawsuit. That might just be the thing to do because people aren't supposed to discriminate. But keep your chin and eyes and head up and don't let her make you miserable. She's just not worth it.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I'm having kind of a hard time this evening but I'm trying to get over it. Don't want to bum you out, though. Thanks for the encouragement, it came at a very opportune time. peace!
from luxelady :
thanks for your sweetness. they are little but we love them with our whole hearts. going to another clinic tomorrow...keep your fingers crossed...xx luxe
from anainsight :
Paige keeps reassuring me if I eat my meal plan that the weight will come off, but there's a lot of fluid imbalances that reflect on the scale the first few weeks. It's really easy to get discouraged, but try not to be. I tend to do the same thing, to beat myself up over losing/gaining the same 5 pounds or so, but I know I shouldn't. And I know exactly what you mean about the french fries. It's like Paige said, everything in moderation. It's funny, though - the fact that they aren't "forbidden", that I can have them - somehow that makes me want them less, and I can concentrate more on making healthier choices. anyway. Call me or text me soon, I'm looking forward to hearing from you. peace!
from anainsight :
I would go ahead and fill out the form and send it in anyway, they always have a few days' grace on those forms. Good for you!
from writergrrl88 :
Remember, lots of caffeine will help with weight loss. Also, you gain your weight while you're sleeping and your metabolism is higher when you're awake and moving, so not sleeping much will help you lose weight as well. :)
from ungenderless :
It's nice to hear that you had a good day. I believe that even if you have a bad day here and there, there will still be good days like this one in the future.
from anainsight :
hi, I'm just writing to say I hope you're having another good day. I was fine until the toilet and the kitchen sink broke :( Now I'm going to have to find a plumber. Oh well. Call soon. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm glad you came back and you didn't have to stay long. Missed you too (((hugs))) Enjoy your work and classes, they will do you good. peace!
from writergrrl88 :
Glad you're back. I think you'd do better at your own place though -- being at your parents will just disrupt your routine. You don't need to listen to anyone but yourself ... if you want to go home, you should feel free.
from ungenderless :
Hey sweetie, I can't help but notice that you talk about enjoying things like your classes and spending time with your family. Maybe you can make a list of things that you enjoy in your life, that you can have with you whenever you feel overwhelmed by hopelessness or guilt? Also, it might help to set dates in the future to do something special, so that you always have something to look forward to.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the note. I hope you can take care of yourself and slowly work your way back to how well you were doing before. Don't think of this as a failure, think of this as a small bump in the road. Something that you will overcome and eventually be ok again. Lots of love.
from ungenderless :
Big warm fuzzy hugs to you. Please take care, ok?
from anainsight :
Just remember Emily, you are never alone. I am always here, you can call me at any time, even if it's in the middle of the night. I may not be very coherent, but I'll be here. And stop thinking you are a burden that the world needs to be rid of. If I've learned anything these past few years, it's that the most important thing in the world is PEOPLE and our friends.
from onecutabove :
I'm so sorry to see you struggling so much. Do you know what triggered you do this? Did you have this planned out or was it just a spur-of-the-moment thing? I really hope they can help you work through some of your thoughts and feelings in the hospital (if that's what kind of hospital it is) or else when you get back your treatment team can help you work through it. Hope you feel better.
from miedema2002 :
Emily, I'm so sorry. I wish you would have come online, so I could have talked you out of trying to kill yourself. I hope this hospital stay helps you get back on track with things. You have come a long way since the group home. I believe in you.
from anainsight :
Before you do anything drastic, CALL ME. I may not have all the answers, but I can at least try to help.
from writergrrl88 :
I wish you health and comfort. I hope you don't have to be away for long.
from miedema2002 :
That protocol seems unhelpful rather then helpful. What is the reason for such a rule?
from luxelady :
oh sweetie. one slip does not take away all you've accomplished!! i'm so proud of you for making it this far, and you will get this far again, and further, i know it! xx luxe
from xxplaydeadxx :
='[ You were doing so good too. What went so wrong? *hugs* You can do it again. I mean, do better. =''''[
from miedema2002 :
Don't worry. Slip ups here and there are ok. Go easy on yourself and continue on from before. You are amazing for making it this long without cutting. You still deserve a shit load of credit for that one! Keep going with it.
from enurta :
I'm so sorry. What happened? Why did you do it?? Did something/someone upset you? *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
I'm sorry that you felt you needed to cut. It's not failure, though. You are a strong person, and even the strong sometimes have to cope in ways they wouldn't choose as their number one ways to cope. You are still a good person -- worthy of love, life, respect, and happiness. I hope you'll realize this isn't the end of the world, and that you will get through this as you get through everything else because you are amazing. I wish you all the best.
from anainsight :
Do you remember, a while back, I purged after having not done it for 11 years? I'm not perfect. Neither are you. Just because you cut doesn't mean you don't deserve to live. Get off your back and be nicer to yourself, and just say you're not going to do it again. peace!
from luxelady :
the awful thing is i was on 7 day supply for the longest time and i've finally worked up to a 14 day supply. guess i'll be going back down again..yet another reason i don't want to tell my MD...but you're right, i prolly should...thanks for your kindness...xx luxe
from anainsight :
Maybe you're right, maybe their ignorance is best simply because you don't want to be hurt. Maybe some day it will be different. I just wish that everybody could be accepted for what they are without reservation. You know, the concept of "unconditional love". Maybe one day it will be more than just a concept. peace!
from writergrrl88 :
I wish you could write that letter to your family and they would say, "even though we don't completely understand because we're straight, we love and accept you anyway and will do anything we can to make your life easier." Everyone should be accepted by family if no one else. But I've learned one thing for sure -- sometimes the non-biological family we make for ourselves (meaning friends, the family members of good friends, etc.) can be the most understanding. I wish you the best with this.
from anainsight :
If you wrote that letter to your family what would happen?
from anainsight :
Yay for PB&J! I don't really groove on it myself, but since Paige told me it was a good source of protein, I've been slowly re-introducing it. anyway. Hope time flies until your paycheck comes. peace!
from anainsight :
Here's an excellent tip for you. When you start using the check register, keep going online but don't just check your balance, check to see what items have cleared. When it clears, just put a mark by it in the check register. That way, you'll know not only how much money you have, but also what items are about to clear. That's what I do, and it's a long time since I've made a mistake. Sorry you missed your classes today, better luck next time. peace!
from anainsight :
Why don't you ask your mom to at least give you a spare dish scrubber? I'm sure she wouldn't be mad if you asked for the scrubber instead of the money to buy one. It just seems like a shame that you can't even wash your dishes, you know? Oh well, take heart, the end of the month's almost here and you know you won't do this to yourself again. Don't worry, though, it's a real common thing that 99.9% of us do. I know it happened to me lots of times when I was first out on my own. Another thing you can try is, when you first get paid (the check that you pay the rent out of), why don't you write the rent check out BEFORE it's due and subtract the amount from your total. That way, you won't be able to spend the money if you keep a strict tab on your bottom line. Just a few tips from someone who's been there. Good luck! And if I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a little dish scrubber ;)
from anainsight :
What kind of money trouble are you in? The biggest problem I have is that my biggest bills (e.g. the power, the phone and the credit cards) all come in at the END of the month, when I'm low on cash. Shouldn't you get another payment before your rent is due? You shouldn't have to pay your rent until the 1st of June, then you should get 5 days grace, unless the laws are different in Minnesota. anyway. Other than that, hope you're doing well. Do you have any special Memorial Day plans? I would like to grill out but knowing me I would blow up the grill (just like that commercial on the TV where the guy sets the grill on fire and it blows up and lands halfway across the yard) and set the house on fire. Don't want to do that. anyway. Talk at you soon. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Yes, bills are a pain in the arse! And they never stop that's the unfortunate part. Money should grow on trees! lol!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks :) I'm happy I could make her so happy! She has good taste in templates.
from anainsight :
Thanks, I couldn't have done it without miedema2002. Thanks for recommending her! I'm so excited. This definitely makes up for all the other crap that happened earlier this evening. Listen, I want you to know this: I promise you that the thing with Dr. Vine will go away, esp. if you do exactly like you say you're going to and keep attending your body classes and therapy. I am so proud of you about the seven months. Keep it up. You go gurl!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I appreciate it a whole lot. I needed to hear a friendly voice tonight because she really let me have it. anyway. Thanks and peace!
from ungenderless :
Hey, thank you for adding me to your favorites. I'm glad that you enjoy my journal. I think that you're pretty interesting as well, so I've added you to my faves. ^__^
from enurta :
Iím curious about somethingÖof course you donít have to answer if you donít want to, but, does your family know that you are a lesbian?? If they do, what do they think about it?? Iím bisexual myself but my mother doesnít know because she would never accept it.
from enurta :
thanks <3
from miedema2002 :
I know! I don't know how to tell him I don't want to hang around him anymore because that totally made me feel uncomfortable and I had my cain with me and it was like he was trying to trick me!
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. And thank you for recommending me to anainsight! I'm glad you think I am good at html (blush).
from luxelady :
don't be so hard on yourself hun. a true intimate relationship with someone (lover or not) takes time to get over. mourn it like you need to, like you would mourn losing any important person in your life. xx luxe
from writergrrl88 :
I didn't mean it in a bad way ... I just meant that sometimes you just have to let off a little steam, and that's okay. You don't have to listen to what anyone tells you or take direction for anyone but yourself. :)
from anainsight :
I'm really glad you had a good day. It's nice to have a good day once in a while. I only hope that when I get back home I can have some good days as well. I guess it doesn't count while you're on vacation, as the point is to have a good "normal" day, but I am enjoying myself. Be good, and let me hear from you!
from miedema2002 :
I'm so glad that you are doing well! It sounds like your life isn't such a nightmare anymore. Good job, successful in fighting your addictions(we are aloud mistakes sometimes) keeping yourself going despite the depression, going out and being social and making future plans for school next year. You should be so proud of yourself! I know I am proud of you. Blessed Be.
from writergrrl88 :
You should cut yourself just a little ... just to take the edge off. :)
from enurta :
i know how you feel. *hugs*
from anainsight :
Don't punish yourself. you've been doing so good, just pick yourself on up and go on. I know it's hard. Just promise yourself that next time you won't eat as much and that way it won't happen again. Sending you hugs from way down on the beach.
from anainsight :
Woohoo! I'm so glad you updated. Here's a suggestion; ask this worker who brings your meds to call you right as he gets on his way so you can go ahead and eat your cereal. Just a suggestion. Hopefully I can update soon and things will be back to normal. see you soon. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Hi, just dropping in to say how proud I am of you and all your accomplishments! Keep moving in a healthy direction and you will prosper. :)
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. You're a good friend too. It's good to know that you're there. I appreciate that more than you know. peace!
from enurta :
152 is not a lot! how tall are you? <3
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It's hard to admit that you don't have control over the food. I wish I could just have one "normal" day. that would be so cool. anyway. Thanks for being there. (((hugs)))
from marylyn :
hey i am an anorexic teen and i thought i would say that i agree with what you said to mooncrack
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm so sorry that happened to you but I am real proud of you for not giving in and hurting yourself over it. I had a similar experience with "professional boundaries" about four years ago - only this time my therapist, having crossed them herself, then decided to use them as a weapon against me, essentially slamming the door in my face. It took me a long time to get over it but I am very secure now - Linda is rock-solid in her boundaries and because of that, she doesn't feel the need to beat me over the head with the issue. I'm not suggesting that's what your doctor did, he was probably doing the right thing for you, but that doesn't mean it didn't FEEL like it to you. I bet you felt gobsmacked. And I know how bad that sucks. anyway. Call me if you feel like it, and keep up all the good work. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. The best way to lose weight is to just eat food in moderation. Pay attention to your body and it's wants. Eat until you are comfortable full and no more. Balance the veggies, carbs and all that with little treats once and a while. I give myself a small treat every month for succeeding another month without hurting myself in any way. Then for the rest of the time you can balance and eat healthy. If you still want to be vegetarian just eat more beans/legumes, tofu and meat substitutes. Hope that helps. I probably told you nothing new lol! well take care I hope you are doing better. Seems we are both suffering from our depression. I wonder if it's the weather?? It's been dark where I am for over a week and those are my worst days. Take care.
from anainsight :
Please don't beat yourself up so bad. And don't make the mistake of going too heavy on the restricting. I did that for the last two weeks. That's what causes those mini-binges, you know? And if you give up on ALL your "little treats" you will be right back on the mini-binges again. I've learned that our E.D. bodies are very rebellious and have to be tamed. And the best way to do that is to make sure your "rebellious side" gets a small treat every once in a while. Notice I said "small". anyway. I'm rambling, but you know what I mean. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from writergrrl88 :
Oh, please tell me what she did to her body to get to the point where she can eat and not gain weight -- I'd love to be thin!
from writergrrl88 :
If you want a safe way to lose excess weight without taking things too far, just go heavy on the caffiene (even trying caffiene pills), because they're natural, safe, and burn calories without hurting you.
from anainsight :
hey, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. me too. call me if you need to talk. peace!
from anainsight :
I don't know whether the insurance will pay the whole cost or not. I also don't know if there's a limit on how many times a week I can go. I called her and set up one extra appt. for this week, we'll see how that one goes before I do it again.
from anainsight :
The very next time you talk to Jenny, I would tell her exactly what your mom said. She needs to get her off your case. Don't let her supposedly "helpful" comments throw you. And she's not really being "helpful". She's being spiteful. After my mom died, the one thing I DIDN'T miss was all her picking on me about my weight. Nobody deserves that shit, absolutely nobody. I don't care how big or little you are, you don't deserve it. anyway. Take care and let me hear from you. peace!
from emaciana :
thank you for your note and your support... it's hard right now but i know it will get easier. it has to.
from xxplaydeadxx :
That song is so beautiful. I ♥ it. =]
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm still sorry, I didn't mean to make things worse. I thought maybe it'd help. :( I'm sorry. Please don't hate your body more. :( Please. I'm still sorry.
from x-razor-x :
Oh my god. :( I'm so fucking sorry. I won't put anymore links. I'm sorry.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I'm glad that long horrendous period of anxiety is gone. It was awful! I'm glad you are doing well too. Keep it up. You're making it and I know life will only get better from here. -Emily
from denied83 :
hey emily-thanks for the note. free coffee is always a good thing!! it sounds like you are starting to find some things in life that you really enjoy...SO happy for you...you deserve it! take care
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'm sure it will be. Glad to hear you're busy and doing well. Congrats on no self-injury. Peace. -Emily
from anainsight :
Where did you get the idea that you can't transfer your music purchases on Ipod? You can have up to five computers authorized to play the same music. I would call their customer service line, it's 1-800-myapple and tell them the problem and ask them how to solve it. Good luck!
from writergrrl88 :
If you lowered your med dosages, you could get away with less sleep and be less thirsty. :)
from anainsight :
Hey there! I met with Paige on Thursday and she completely changed my nutrition plan. It's less calories, and while it's basically the same thing I was on before, it's counted a little bit differently. She gave me food diary sheets (which I didn't have before) and personalized the plan entirely for me. She said she wanted to see how I did with the simple plan first, since I've done OK now she's changing it. I just have to be a little more precise about how I count my exchanges. Hope you had a good day! I took a sewing class today so I was really busy all day long, but it was fun. anyway. Talk to you soon. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey there. I am so proud of you for almost 5 months of no SI. It sounds like you are doing really good. You are getting out and doing things. That's wonderful! I wish I had the courage and the stamina to try new things like that. anyway. Just wanted to tell you I was proud of you. Keep it up. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Happy Ostara! :)
from denied83 :
hey emily- i don't know if you remember me, but we were at rogers together way back when. i just discharged from there for the third time on friday & was thinking about you, so i thought i would say hi. i'd love to talk & catch up if you feel like it. take care!! kirstin
from miedema2002 :
Hi, Keep yourself safe from razors and sharp thingies until you feel you are ready to use what you like. oh by the way I found a great internet site for lesbian dating. I have gotten so many responses already in my city. The site is www.lesbotronic.com set up a profile and have fun! -Emily
from writergrrl88 :
You live on your own and are an adult -- that means you have a right to shave with any kind of razor you like. If you'd rather shave in the shower, buy a bag of regular razors and shave in the shower at your leisure. Don't let anyone tell you how to live.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I know I can talk to you, it's just that when it happens, it's so late and I hate to wake you up. It's just something about that evening time that just gets me. I appreciate your being there for me. I'm always here for you too. peace!
from infinityfye :
Well, instead of wishing for both you can wish you had Bill Gate's fortune, then you would have both; independence and being taken care after.**it's a ***lame*** joke** sorry
from getinline :
Thank you so much for your sweet note!! I would have replied sooner, but haven't really been on a computer until now. Congrats on the eighteen weeks! That's amazing! I hope things continue to go well for you.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Fortunately everything worked out. I'm so relieved. I was so upset this afternoon that I couldn't even eat. If I were not a diabetic, that would have been OK, but as it is, I need to eat every 3 or so hours, and I was so upset that I literally couldn't. My therapist called me just in time and I was finally able to eat something, so I'll be able to get through practice tonight. anyway. Just thought you'd like to know the situation's worked itself out. I'll talk with you soon. peace!
from miedema2002 :
I don't agree with the whole blood magick thing. Self harm is self harm period. No acceptions. Anything that causes pain to yourslf or someone else shouldn't count as acceptable magick. Magick is supposed to serve a peaceful purpose. -Emily
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I would have to say I feel the same. I don't have that attraction to men and no matter how hard I tried to make myself I just can't anymore. I was just surprised that she blurted that out. I never knew she saw me that way lol! -Emily
from writergrrl88 :
If you get into blood magick, you can cut yourself and not have it count as SI. :)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the note. I'm glad that I have people I can relate too on here. All my friends outside of this site seem to be all pros at the sexual stuff. I'm glad I'm not the only 22 year old virgin here. Take it easy Emily.
from enurta :
it's a jack russell terrier :)
from anainsight :
Hey there, don't beat yourself up about it. I do the exact same thing, whenever I go off my meal plan. It's never a binge, it isn't even really all that much, but because of the guilt I feel about it, it feels like a binge. I bet you didn't "seriously" overeat. My therapist told me today I had to start being nicer to myself. Good advice. I have the grapefruit problem too, but that's OK with me because I don't like it. Have a wonderful day! :)
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I wanted to encourage you to stick to your meal plan. I'm finding that I need that kind of encouragement too. Maybe we can help each other. anyway. Sounds like you had a really busy day! I'll check in with you soon. (((hugs)))
from enurta :
congratulations on your 16 weeks of no self-injury! <3
from luxelady :
thanks so much for the congrats!! i'm kinda nervous about the job and needing to be able to function all day (which i haven't done in awhile) but i'm hoping it will go well. i really hope i can stay with my current therapist, he's a great match for me - but i will definitely take your advice if i do have to leave...and i'll try to get the most out of the dbt skills i do have - thanks again for the kind note - xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Lol sorry for all the links. I found a cool celebratory thing you can try or modify to celebrate Ostara: http://www.tryskelion.com/ostara8.htm Since I am in res it would be hard for me to do it without getting stares, but maybe if thought it was interesting maybe wanted to try it. It's just an idea I found you might be interested in.
from miedema2002 :
I know that you are Pagan, but some Pagan and Wiccan rituals are semi-related, so you can pick what you like.
from miedema2002 :
Here are some excellent Wicca information I found that you may be interested in. This first site is special Magick and Sabbat recipies: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/4177/menu.html Next is The Book of Shadows. The whole book is online here except for chapters 7,8,9. I would still buy an authentic copy, but this is nice intro to it. It also enables me to print it out in large print! yay!!: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/4177/book.html Lastly is a section of recommended readings from beginner,intermediate to novice, there are even some for covens and womens groups: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/4177/readinglst.html Check out the whole site it's really good. Here is the homepage link too just to make it easier: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/4177/index.html Let me know what you think :)
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. So have I. It's awesome!
from infinityfye :
I love Dante too, and yea I too think the Inferno is the best. Nice diary.
from luxelady :
yes, you will be able to say that - and be damn proud about it. but don't forget to be proud now - you've achieved an amazing accomplishment!! xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. -Dale Carnegie Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement. -Anthony J. D'Angelo I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self. -Aristotle Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. -Rainer Maria Rilke You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. -Wayne W. Dyer Flowers grow out of darker moments. -Corita Kent Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it. -William Durant -Emily
from writergrrl88 :
Sometimes breaking things and being violent with non-living objects can be healthy -- sometimes you just have to get the anger out. If you're angry about the relationships, don't fight it -- just break shit until you feel better.
from writergrrl88 :
It's hard to be pagan around people who do not understand what it means to be pagan, but it's worth it to hold on to your beliefs. If necessary, find a book that briefly describes paganism well (for instance, in a page in the introduction) and carry a photocopy of the page around to show ignorant people. Blessed be.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I almost called you last night but I was afraid I would disturb you. Thanks for all your support. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
Sorry about that. But I wrote about the pics at the top that is why I did that, so that if it was triggering then people could look away. But I am glad you liked it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Finally someone who knows who Plumb is!!! I've been listening to them SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much lately. What's your fave song by them? Mine's Jekyll and Hyde. :) I'm glad you're not going to hurt yourself. I think you're verrrrry strong and brave, dispite what you may think. Keep on with that. :) *hugs* ♥
from enurta :
what happened to leon??
from xxplaydeadxx :
You'll have a relationship like mine and Haley's one day. I know you will. If you and Elizabeth aren't meant to be, you'll find someone that'll just blow you away and you'll only care about them, and you'll be happy that you and her didn't work out [that sounds mean, but it's not supposed to]...ok, so I'm tryinggg to make you feel better, but I don't think it's working. :( I wish you could just get her out of your head and heart. But unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. One day, one day you'll have someone. You just gotta find her. :) ♥
from miedema2002 :
Thanks.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you those are good ideas I will try.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Well fuck. :( I hope she gets UNconfused and you two can eventually be together...or that you find someone else soon. :( I'm so sorry, babe. I really am. *hugs* I love you bunches.
from miedema2002 :
Those two entries were excellent and positive! Congrats on being proud of who you are! I am as well. No one can tell us differently! We are unique and special in every way. Keep believing that and you will make it through!
from anainsight :
Hey there, I'm so proud of you for being proud. That's a really difficult thing to do and I admire you for it more than I can say. (((hugs))) I'll talk to you soon. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. If it's OK, I'll call you tonight (Wed. evening). I just need someone to talk to. thanks!
from x-razor-x :
Well, I DID change it, but I was going to change it back...yeah, it won't make any sense. But it's still me and me. I put it back....sorry....
from purplebanana :
Coming out can be absolute shit, but I'd still like to give you a big congratulations for being open-minded and open-hearted enough to allow yourself to figure out who you are.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I was afraid to call you because of your first entry earlier today; I thought that you would be as freaked out by what happened to me as I was. And I truly didn't want to trigger you into thinking it could happen to you too because it won't. It's just me, I guess. I thought you'd think I was horrible. anyway, thanks for sending the note, it made me feel better. maybe we can talk tomorrow or Wednesday after I have my next session. peace!
from miedema2002 :
hole ooops lol!
from miedema2002 :
No problem! Thanks for wishing me luck on moving. I can't wait to get out of this whole!
from miedema2002 :
Congrats!!! Wonderful!!! I'm so happy for you! WHEEEE!!!! :) :) :) :) :) I sent five smileys because 5 is my favourite and lucky number and I pass the luck onto you!
from writergrrl88 :
If you either went off your meds or lowered your dosages, you could probably drive again ... and you would have more energy for a budding relationship. Have fun with Elizabeth!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for talking with me. I hope you & Elizabeth have a wonderful time. Enjoy your book club too. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Good luck meeting Elizabeth! I'm sure it will be wonderful!
from x-razor-x :
:D Yay! I hope you have a great time! ♥
from writergrrl88 :
You used to drive, didn't you ... I remember your posts about driving an unreliable car when you were in college.
from miedema2002 :
no no no sorry I should have been clearer. You have a valid reason why you don't work. Your social assistance is to help you work on yourself. You are not lazy. I was talking about some of my friends who are blind/vi and are perfectly capable of finding work, but they jsut sleep all day and talk on the phone and don't get out to do much of anything. I have asked some of them what they plan to do and they say just sit at home or want to party all the time. I meant them. Not you. Sorry.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I knew you could do it. It was strong of you to be honest with him. Are you guys still going to be friends? At least eventually? And Elizabeth. I hope you two get together. I think she'd make you really happy. She'd give you something you need. You deserve to have that finally. :) ♥
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I do. I am not huge on the whole label thing. The main reason why I use them at all is to help other people understand where I am coming from.
from miedema2002 :
I agree with xxPlaydeadxx you have to be honest. Relationships come and go it's normal. If you want a female then that is what you want. Good luck.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Fight fight fight, ok? Don't hurt yourself. And about Leon...I think the best way to handle it is to just tell him. Honest. It'll hurt him more if you just stay with him and he feels like he's the only one in it, ya know? It'll be hard to say it, sure, but...it's something you've gotta do. If you want a girl, you need a girl. So just tell him. Be straight-forward with him. Sorry if this didn't help. ♥ you.
from miedema2002 :
Hi Emily, I was wondering if you knew anything about html. The boxes with the links in them are at the bottom right of the template but they are supposed to be on the top right you will see that big blank spot beside the entry. If you know html or know anyone who could help me fix it? that would be much appreciated Thank you.
from tobehis :
Cool! Feel free to drop by anytime. :)
from tobehis :
Thanks! How did you find my diary?
from enurta :
i just finished reading your entry about 'faith'. I just want to say that my parents are exactly the same, they say that my mental illness is because of Satan and that God will make me better. I am not a Christian, Muslim or pagan...I don't believe in anything and I told my mom that, she reacted like your father did. Just ignore stuff like that, they probably don't know what they're saying...if they want to believe in God that badly, maybe they have their own issues that they need to deal with or something. I believed in God when I was a little girl, I used to pray every day, I told him that I wanted to die, and that I wanted the abuse to stop but he never helped me. I can't believe in a God that lets innocent people suffer, I just don't. But I believe in mother earth, and in fate. that's all i guess, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't let other people's beliefs affect how you feel or perceive yourself. you're sick simply because you are, not because of Satan or anyone else....it's life. we just have to deal with it. i respect what other people believe and try to keep and open mind. you're doing the right thing, you can't force yourself to go to church with your family every week to make them feel better. think about YOU and what YOU need and want. i know it's tough but at least try, alright? you are such a beautiful and sweet girl. take care of yourself. Xxx
from enurta :
congratulations on your twelve weeks of no self-injury. I am inspired, I wish I could be strong like you. <3
from luxelady :
WOW!! congratulations!! you're so inspiring...xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on 12 weeks of no si I am SOOOOO proud of you!!!!! Keep up the good girl! And Fan4 I read that note and that is pretty rude. Let it go already not everyone believes in Christianity! I don't. Let it go!
from fan4 :
Your link isn't broken. It just leads to a site which no longer works. You may not believe Satan exists, but I know he does. If you want to be blinded to the truth, I guess that's your problem then.
from miedema2002 :
No problem. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it's when they push it on you that it isn't right. Thank you for all your support as well. ttyl
from miedema2002 :
Hi Emily, I'm proud of you for following your beliefs! Others shouldn't push their beliefs on you. If you don't believe that Jesus is the son of God then that is fine. I'm also proud of you for not going to church, you should do what you feel best with not what your parents think. Especially since you are on your own now. Make your own decisions that you are happy with and don't let anyone knock you down for them!
from fan4 :
You should delete your guestbook link then. I don't see any point in keeping links to sites which are no longer active. Satan's really done a number with your head, convincing you that Jesus isn't the Son of God.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you for believing in me. ♥ I'm really glad the days are getting better. Whenever things get bad, just keep reminding yourself that you ARE important, that people care about you. And I'm proud of you for not going to church just to make your 'rents happy. That would just be pointless, really. =) *hugs*♥
from fan4 :
Yep, you need a new guestbook! signmyguestbook.com no longer works. (I'm not sure though why Diaryland works but the guestbook site doesn't though, since they were created by the same person.)
from fan4 :
Your beliefs aren't mine. Jesus IS the son of God! (You may want to think about getting a new guestbook. I attempted to sign it, but I doubt my message got through over there.)
from rejazz :
You should go to alluc.org and go to documentaries and watch Jesus Camp. I just saw it a couple days ago and it totally changed my perspective on the whole church thing. Its really creepy and sad. These kids are being brain washed. I don't know if its going to offend you or not but I just thought of it when I read your entry. They even say in the documentary that Harry Potter is evil. Its witch craft and its evil. Its a f'in book for children. Its a FANTASY! I don't think you need to worry what your parents are going to say. They are your beliefs and don't bother thinking about what others are going to say or think. Its your life, your head, your beliefs. Take care of yourself. Watch it if you want. It might even be totally off subject but it might expand your mind a little bit.
from miedema2002 :
No, it was nothing Jenna did. She was the victim between that bitch Ella and I. I don't talk to Ella or let her influence me negatively anymore, so now it's just her and I trying to rebuild what we've lost.
from anainsight :
Thanks, I'm proud of myself too. It's amazing, though, how after I did it, I felt safe again. I can even picture how it will be after she lets me have it back (eventually she said she would, it was an expensive piece of equipment). I think I'll be ok. Talk to you later. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. Hey you should read the article in my "Trust" entry since we both have BPD it may help. We could even maybe share experiences or feelings? Let me know if you can relate to mine eh? Later.
from miedema2002 :
Please don't kill yourself. Recongnize that it's only the depression and wait it out. Please don't go through with it. So many people love you and care for you including all your friends and me. Anytime you feel sad go on msn and message me I'll be happy to talk to you. Bye.
from xxplaydeadxx :
PLEASE don't ever go through with it. I'm begging you. There are too many people that care about you. [myself included.] Please never do that. *hugs* ♥
from luxelady :
i know the emptiness oh so well...some of it is depression, but (as i'm sure you know) a lot has to do with the damn bpd - i go days and days without feeling anything, not sad, happy or anything, just......empty. i don't really have a point, just wanted to let you know i understand....xx luxe
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I guess I'll go to the group next Saturday for the first time. I hope I'll make some new friends but I somehow doubt it because all of the anorexics will take one look at me and run screaming. Maybe there will be a bulimic or coe that I can be friends with, that won't be scared off by my size. (sigh) anyway. Call me sometime, I'll be home in all likelihood. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for letting me call you the other night. Sorry about interrupting your Beavis and Butt-head (huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh). anyway. I'm really glad to be home. Hope you have better days this coming week. peace!
from enurta :
aww! did you get a hamster?? I love animals! I have two dwarf-hamsters, two cats, and like 10 fishes...animals can change a lot in a personís life. you should post pix of your hamster! I'm so happy for you, moving into an apartment by yourself is a huge step, a huge step towards independence and recovery. Stay strong <3
from luxelady :
thanks for the insight!! xx luxe
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. Yeah, it's ok I can deal. I expected it. All that is important is my feelings for Jenna. I know what they are and no one can tell me who I do and do not love! End of story. I love Jenna and I can't see that ending any time soon.
from luxelady :
what do you think of DBT? i've been in a group for over a month now and i really can't decide how i feel about it...luxe
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I agree. Her full name is Jenna Rose Elliott isn't that just beautiful?? What do you think of my description of love in this current entry? Thanks for the note.
from anainsight :
Hey, I got your text message last evening. I had e-mailed you but then I figured you hadn't gotten your computer yet. So. I'm going out of town but if you want to text me or call me on my cell go ahead - I'll be back on Sunday evening. peace!
from anainsight :
OK, I see now, you just cut and pasted that message. Don't DO that! I was worried that I had freaked you out. Tomorrow is moving day, huh? Good for you! I tried to go to the quilt store today to pick out some fabric for you but for some reason they closed an hour early. Doesn't matter, I'm going back there on Thursday before I go out of town. Be good and have a great time with your move in, although the moving itself is not so much fun, the end result is. peace!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=) Ok. Let's see...Cut by Plumb [[it's SO good, have you heard it?]], Bleed Like Me by Garbage [[wait, you knew that already]] Here to Stay by Korn, Last Resort by Papa Roach, Loveless Wrists by Bayside [[I haven't heard that one...]] No Poetic Device by AFI, Part of Me by Linkin Park, Razorblade by Blue October, Razor by the Foo Fighters, Scissors by Slipknot, Scars by My Ruin [[I haven't heard that one either.]] Self-inflicted by Smile Empty Soul [[Jesus, I haven't heard that either!]] With This Knife by Smile Empty Soul, Oh well hell. Here's a LIST of songs! Hahahaaa http://self-injury.net/doyousi/references/songs/ Try that. Pffftt....Hahaha. Sorry, freaking out here, only I don't know why. =) OK bye! ♥
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the note. Yeah, I will wait and see what I decide to do. Also Simon and I are having some issues right now and you will know by the end of this week if we will work out or not, so one thing at a time I suppose.
from luxelady :
CONGRATULATIONS!! (on the no SI) xx luxe
from xxplaydeadxx :
I think I gave you like 41 hugs. =) ♥
from anainsight :
Hey there, I enjoyed talking with you last night but I'm sorry you're being plagued with the thoughts. Just don't act on them, okay? I would be very unhappy. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I agree, some people are just jerks and don't know when to shut up. They don't have a brain in their head. anyway. I was thinking of you - you're way up in Minnesota and it's awfully cold up there. Well, yesterday the temperature was about 75 degrees. Right now it's 36 and the wind chill is in the low 20's. So I'm really, really cold. anyway. Hope your apartment's nice and toasty warm. I'm going to go snuggle with my little poodle. Keep warm. peace!
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad that I have someone to relate too. It's funny how all you've ever known was being treated badly and you don't realize it until you meet someone who treats you great, but then you see at as too perfect and feel guilty about it because your not used to it. I mean you in a general people sense by the way. It's hard to think of myself as deserving of such wonderful treatment. I don't even know where to start with changing it.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the lovely note. I think it's great too. I am also proud of him. I also like how he respects my feelings and makes me feel special and wanted I'm not used to that.
from miedema2002 :
Please read my profile for the new information regarding my diary. Tx
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm so glad you did good in your first night at the apartment. It sounds like you're doing good. I wish I could say the same for me. I'm so nervous right now I don't know what to do. anyway. How did you make your fleece blanket? I didn't realize you had a sewing machine. I'm a big quilter myself. I went to the Itunes store and put your Fiona Apple suggestions on my wish list. I already had "Criminal" on there. Hope you'll continue to have good luck with the apartment. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your note. I'm still going crazy about going to the store. What are some Fiona Apple songs that I should download off i-tunes? I'm just wondering, I'm not very familiar with her, but I think I'd like to.
from luxelady :
god bless prns!!
from anainsight :
Sounds like the apartment is going to be good. I remember when I got my first place, it was so cute, it was just big enough for me but also in a perfect spot where I could have my friends over for parties! Hope you enjoy it. peace!
from fan4 :
I also had a brown Christmas last year.
from fan4 :
What is a brown Christmas?
from miedema2002 :
oh I've been meaning to ask are you still receiving ect? or no? I personally don't agree with it myself, but I remember long ago reading that it helped you quite a bit for awhile. I was just wondering. Happy New Year and lots of love!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the vote of encouragement! The feeling is mutual from me to you. *thumbs up*
from anainsight :
Happy New Year! (((hugs)))
from emaciana :
I hope things with you and leon continue to go well. it's wonderful when you find someone you click with. Have a happy new year and thank you for your note.
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on you and Leon. I hope you are happy together. Relationships are a wonderful thing.
from lustydork :
Your entry today was just lovely.
from anainsight :
Merry Christmas!
from miedema2002 :
Good job! Sounds like things are going well for you! keep up the positive attitude! You will make it precious!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D Yay! I'm glad you and Elizabeth found each other. She could probably be really good for you, ya know? :) I'm happy for you. Um...Do you think you'll ever stop wanting to disappear? I'm hoping for the best for you. That things can go really well and you can feel good finally. =) ♥
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on the new relationship! :) I wish you both happiness. Good luck with the party and the apartment sounds very exciting! I'm happy for you! Stay strong.
from anainsight :
Hey there, looks like we're both broke. At least you bought stuff mostly for other people. I have bought a lot of stuff for myself recently. Shame on me. Rachel keeps telling me that just because I buy something for myself, I'm not bad, but I feel like I am because here I am almost at the end and I'm coming up short. You never did tell me what kind of ipod you wanted. Or do you already have one? I'm too scared to ask my brothers for an itunes card because they don't know I have an ipod and if they find out, they'll probably be pissed. Oh well. anyway. Here's to your keeping control during the group party this week. And I'm excited for you about the apartment. That's tremendously exciting! I'll e-mail you later on this week. peace!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ha, I also thought III was the only one that felt that way! :) Hey, at least we're not all alone, right? =) I think you've made some serious progress. I mean, you said you don't want to be that weight anymore. [usually] That takes a lot of work, doesn't it? But...you're unhappy with this weight...I'm not even going to ask why. I know why. [or I'm sure I have a good idea at least] But...do you think you'd be really happy with yourself, at whatever weight you wanted? Or do you...just want to disappear? Be at such a low weight that you can just...not be seen, leave whenever? =/ Hm. Anyway...Good luck with group. =) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
You should be happy for fighting, you should be happy for having a low weight, you should be happy that it's keeping you out of the hospital, you should be happy that your weight isn't so low that you're barely holding on to life. How much do you WANT to weigh?
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm soooo happy that you had a good time!!! =D That's so wonderful. And yeah, I think you should be happy about what you weigh. Because that's a really good number. You're doing some really great work, buddy. I'm proud of you for fighting so hard. It took some major strength, courage, to call Pat instead of binging like you wanted. You're so strong. Keep up the FANTASTIC work!!!! =) ♥
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm proud of you for not purging. stick to it! What kind of ipod do you want? I bought myself an ipod nano 4-gig in red. The red ones, they donate 10% of the profits to fight AIDS in Africa. I also got my name engraved on the back of it! I would have bought the 8-gig which was 2000 songs, but I figured 1000 was plenty for me. even tho I already downloaded most of my CD's it is only one-third full. I would love an itunes card but can't afford one for awhile, it was bad enough for me to buy the ipod. Shame! Bad! Bad! But seriously, I'm sleeping so much better now that I'm able to listen to music, so it was a worthwhile investment. I had my class today; I had a pretty good time. anyway. Glad you're doing well. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! peace!
from anainsight :
I'm proud of you for not purging that burrito. Keep it up. I don't want you to have to go IP again. Stick to your contract, ok sweetie? I didn't exactly make a contract, but I did promise I wouldn't SI or purge. I don't really want to purge that much, 'cause in August it was 11 years since I did it, so I don't really want to break that record. But it's a good thing she took all my blades from me. anyway. Hope you'll enjoy the Christmas party and I hope you get an awesome present. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks but don't be too proud of me. The problem with me is that I can talk big like I'm better and motivated but following through. That is my weakness my actions reflect otherwise. The hard part is yet to come like today for example I already screwed up by staying in bed until 5:30pm. I have a mild soar throat and have been sick on and off but that is no excuse. The actions are what conts, but I have trouble with it. Wish me luck. I need more people rooting for me because many have lost hope already. Hope you are doing better stay strong precious!
from anainsight :
hey there, thanks for your note. My doctor is not one to make med changes easily and I'm probably not quoting her exactly word for word; I'm just kind of paraphrasing what she actually did say, which was something along the lines of that the grief was a natural thing that I had to go through and that changing the medicine was not entirely the answer. Or something to that effect. anyway. But I have a feeling when I tell her about the mood swings she may try something new, because these wild swings are something relatively new. In the past I've either been all the way depressed, or all the way panicked, never back and forth like this. anyway. I know exactly how you feel when you talk about how you haven't been able to get up and wash your hair and how it's contaminating your clean pillow. I feel exactly like the same thing myself sometimes. anyway. Thanks for writing. peace!
from anainsight :
help me, I need your help, please.
from miedema2002 :
sorry it was supposed to be "Amy is in some serious denial" whoops!
from miedema2002 :
Wow, Amy doesn't sounds like she is in some serious denial and not wanting to face her own issues so she's puttind down everyone else to make herself feel better then she really does inside. What is she in the group home for? I remember quite a few entries back you wrote about this book that you read on how a woman recovered from her eating disorder. She gave her ED a name, personality etc. can you please explain more about that process to me please? I want to see if it can also work with my self-injury and symptoms. Thanks. Good for you for staying strong! You will make it!
from anainsight :
hi, I'm proud of you that you were able to stand up for yourself against that amy chick. wtf does she think she is anyway. You did wonderful. Just remember that. You told how you felt and a good thing happened! Chalk it up to a good experience. peace!
from xxplaydeadxx :
hi. i'm danielle. i really love your diary. um...that amy chick. i want to kill her! who the fuck does she think she is, anyway? i mean...i know what it's like too. it's not something that we can help, really. it's hard. why was she there? hm. good luck with dinner and everything else. and it's been very strong of you to not hurt yourself. :) ♥
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. The concert went well, but I'm very tired. It's hard on me in another way as well, because I am going through a phase now where I absolutely can't stand for anyone to see me, and I have to stand on that stage for an hour under the lights. I console myself with the fact that I am only one of many and because we are all wearing the same black dress, I can't stick out all that much. I'm at the end of the first row, and I kind of got to hide behind the tympani today, so it was pretty good. anyway. Hope you're doing better. peace!
from miedema2002 :
I know you will make it. I believe in you.
from miedema2002 :
There is hope for you. Never give up.
from miedema2002 :
What music do you listen too? When do you leave the group home? What are you planning on doing afterwards? What are your plans for the future?
from miedema2002 :
There is nothing wrong in being confused about many things regarding who you are. I am still lost and confused myself about life and who I am and who I want to be and all that stuff. All we have to do is wait and explore and see what strikes our fancies as what time. Phases are all good because it lets us experiment with new things. lol I can't type today! ttyl
from miedema2002 :
How advanced are you in Wicca? I am a beginner in the Wiccan way. Do you study witchcraft or magick? How do you practice and worship?
from miedema2002 :
My parents found out a long time ago too, yet everytime they find out again they act like it's the first time or it's the end of the world. No matter what they always make me promise not to do it. I often wonder if I'm trying to stop more for them then for myself.
from anainsight :
I'm sorry that you hurt yourself. I hope you are better now. What is a chain analysis? I have had a lot of DBT but I'm not familiar with that term. I haven't had the urge to cut in a while, but with my little poodle being hurt, that's changing very rapidly. I'm going to try not to do anything to hurt myself, because that won't help Kika at all, but it's very hard to handle the pain, stress and anxiety when you don't have an outlet. anyway. Hope you'll be better at Christmas. peace!
from enurta :
She gave me only one option; to try zyprexa instead. I've heard so much horrible stories about zyprexa that I'm really scared and don't want to try it at all. I think I read that you've tried it, what do you think about it? What were the side-effects??? Was it worth it? I know there are antipsychotic meds out there that don't have hunger and weight gain as side effects but my doctor just doesn't want to listen :( do you have any advice? <3
from sadhaven :
Of course you can join. Feel free to post whenever you want. Make as many posts as you want. The more the better! And don't forget to spread the word! Take care and I hope you are doing alright. *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the DBT explanation. I appreciate it.
from miedema2002 :
I have looked it up, but I still don't completely understand it.
from miedema2002 :
Wow, that's a lot of meds. Umm since you are in DBT and have had it for awhile, what is it exactly? What do you do? How does it work? Can you please explain it to me in as much detail as possible so I can understand what I am in for?
from miedema2002 :
Have you taken Effexor before? Yeah, I find it helps quite a bit, of course it never takes it way totally, but it does a significant amount for me anyway. If it didn't I wouldn't be taking meds at all. I find they make me drowsy. I am planning on going off meds in Feb. 07 Wish me luck.
from miedema2002 :
He knew I was blind too, but did it anyway fucker!!
from miedema2002 :
yeah it was horrible it was for sure the date rape drug that the guy put in my drink urgh!! Sick bastard!
from miedema2002 :
It was an experience worse then death! St. Joes hospital is a very nice one. Their short stay ward is nice. I find it very clean and well kept. The only thing I don't like is their emergency room setup.
from emaciana :
thanks for just letting me know that you understand the need that i feel to be cared for. how i long for the hospital and "sickness".
from sadhaven :
Hello, I just wanted to let you know about this new public diary called "sadhaven." It is for people who suffer from mental illness and/or addictions to vent and express themselves. If you would like to know more take a look around. Thank you.
from miedema2002 :
lol thanks will do!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I think that the Goth look would look good on you. I have always liked it as well. Many people say not to do it because I have natural blond hair and they said to never tamper with it because people would kill for my hair. But, who cares? I don't want it so I'm changin' it! lol I hope everything is going well with you. Take it easy.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I'm really bumbed out about it. I was really hoping he would say yes and it would be romantic. :(
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I need it.
from miedema2002 :
I can relate to the overwhelming feelings of all the things that need to change. I wish that they could just magically change all at once and then everything would be ok, but sadly it doesn't work like that. I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts. Take care.
from emaciana :
i hear you. in that last part about razors... i know what you mean. i can feel the hot tears, the emptiness, aloneness, hopelessness.
from readthisline :
Thanks for joing the Abused Diaryring.. I'm in all actuality sorry that you had to. I read through quite a few of your posts.. I'm sorry that things got, and can be so bad. We're still young - hopefully they'll look up soon. Until next time beautiful xx
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for being so kind about my questions. If you have any questions for me feel free to ask. You are right about assuming though it isn't a good thing it only leads to judgement and misunderstanding which is very disempowering. Take care. Sending lots of hugs. Bye.
from emaciana :
thanks for your note and encouraegment. i hope i'm a good mom.
from anainsight :
hey there, thanks for your note. Just wanted you to know that I'm trying to get out more, I'm going with a friend of mine to her dog agility trials tomorrow. It would really do you a lot of good if you could get out of your shell, just a little bit. I'm not talking about anything big time, just maybe talk to one person on your floor. Maybe you will make a new friend. Thinking of you and I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from miedema2002 :
I tried to post this in your guestbook but it wouldn't let me sorry. Hi, I like your guestbook very pretty. Ummm I don't mean to pry, but how come you go to group homes? Why do you not stay at home? room with another girl? And what kinds of meds are you on? Sorry I don't mean to pry into your life, but I am just a curious, snoopy person. I admit it lol! You know the phrase curiousity killed the cat? well I'm not dead yet! Haha. Take care. Hope you are doing well. Bye.
from miedema2002 :
I searched through some of your extra sites e.g. Myspace, Pics, wishlist, things like that. You are truly a beautiful and amazing person. I hope your hallucinations calm down a bit and get better. Take care of yourself.
from enurta :
Is Remeron working for you? My doctor prescribed it for me about 9 months ago, I used to take it at night to sleep better. It was more of a sleeping pill for me, took another antidepressant called cipralex in the morning. Anyway, remeron made me gain 50 pounds in three months. I stopped taking it too late. Now I have to deal with the aftermath. I don't hallucinate, but I hear voices and sounds that aren't there, thatís why my doctor thinks I need Risperdal. <3
from imanobody00 :
Thank you so much for the sweet note. I worry about you and hope you get better. I'm glad you realize the impact of suicide, and I hope you never try to do that again. You are a beautiful person.
from miedema2002 :
I thought so. Take care of yourself and stay strong because I have faith that you will make it. If you ever need to talk just give me a shout ok? Bye.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the note. I wish you luck in recovery. I can't imagine how much you suffer on a daily basis. My heart goes out to you. Do you have PTSD that causes your flashbacks? Good job in making an emergency kit. That should help. bye.
from anainsight :
Good for you, to put together a kit. Do you have rubber bands in the kit? I just gave up on snapping myself with a rubber band to snap myself out of an attack. I relied on the rubber bands for a long time but I'm weaning off of them now. Good luck to you - I hope you will start feeling better. peace!
from anainsight :
hi, I was just wondering, what is the point of letting or not letting someone else go out on recreation because of what somebody else does? It seems that if Alex did something she's not supposed to, then that should be the reason why she's not allowed to go. Not just because you're going. anyway. Just putting my two cents' worth in. Good luck tomorrow. peace!
from anainsight :
hi, I wanted to let you know that they are not lying to you, that you can achieve a life w/o the purging. I purged for 12 years. Last month it marks 11 years since I've purged. It's not always easy, in fact it can be very hard but it IS achievable. I am thinking of you and if I were not way down in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from enurta :
thanks for the note. and about the dbt...my doctor wants me to try it, she says it's really helpful for people with borderline personality disorder but I am not so sure, the contract stuff scares me. i want to kill myself when i think about it so maybe i'm not ready but...i just wanted to ask if it has helped you? <3
from lustydork :
I'm happy you are still around.
from alexiaaa :
Hey i hope everything is going ok, you havent updated for ages now, i hope its just cause you dont have access. Let us know how everything is going when you get a chance.
from anainsight :
hi, I hope the reason you're not updating is that you just don't have access to the internet right now. if you can, post a message to let us all know you're OK. I'm thinking of you. peace!
from beauthentic :
Hey hon, I wanted to let you know I will be closing down my diaryland site.. I have been on Xanga for several years, and I am going to stick with it, finding it too hard to keep up with both. My xanga is www.xanga.com/i_am_perfectlyimperfect or my email is [email protected] Much Love !! Talk to you soon (( Hugs ))
from beauthentic :
Yick, that sucks !! I remember when I was a small kid, we got stuck at school b/c of a blizzard, finally when buses were running, the bus had to drop everyone off first b/c I was the last one on the route, and I didn't get home until 6:30pm ! I was like 7 years old, my mom was frantic !!! So your story reminded me of that ! LoL Much Love, have a good day today <3
from emaciana :
omg that sucks so much about the bus thing!!! you poor girl!
from anainsight :
Please update. I hope you're doing better. I've been thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. peace!
from beauthentic :
Hello There!! I am going to add you to my buddy list, I hope you'll do the same!! Wishing you the best of luck on your return home from the hospital (( Hugs ))
from just-fine :
:( I hope your okay, i have missed you and have been thinking of you. x
from fairy-kill :
AWe hun. Why is it I feel I'm so conected to you. as soon as I came to your page i went "Hey that used to be my layout" I really think you put a better spin on it tho!:-p It seems your feelings are the same as mine you miss your friends as I miss mine, and you have your problems as i have mine hun! I really hope you write back <3 luv manda
from emaciana :
i'm wishing you good luck with things...
from anainsight :
I think that is totally cool that you met somebody. And don't worry about it, I'm sure you're beautiful. go for it!
from anainsight :
I feel the same way you do, that I'm never going to be perfect, just maybe somewhat better. I feel that is all I can hope for at the moment. peace!
from emaciana :
i love being the youngest. i used to hate it when i saw younger patients/clients than me in the waiting room. i felt like i hadn't achieved as much as them because they were already considered "sick enough" at that young age... yes, it's fucked.
from anainsight :
Hi, I can so relate to what you're saying. Up until last weekend I was sunk so deep in my depression that I didn't know what to do. I was sleeping all day. But then something happened. First of all I got invited to a party. That almost never happens. Then my car went on the fritz and all of a sudden I had something real to worry about other than just think about how bad I felt. Then we started having rehearsals all the time. All of a sudden I had something to do. Now I'm scared because when we stop having rehearsals all the time, then what will I do? I've been told before that I should consider ect but I'm just too scared. I used to have nightmares about electric chairs and stuff like that. anyways. Hope you feel better on Friday. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from emaciana :
you're so lucky you have dbt to go to.. i would give anything for some bpd treatment...
from emaciana :
i like that 5 weird things about you. i think i'll use that in my next entry. take care
from dimstar :
Hi Sweetie. I'm still around, doing well. Things have just been hectic. And a good God, a perfect God loves you no matter what sex you are attracted to. I believe the message was sent by the Catholic church to keep people breeding more Catholics that it was only okay to be straight. You are loved by the divine power. Sorry if this sounds garbled, but I'm a bit tired. I love you sweets. You are a lovely woman and that is what is important.
from emaciana :
ooh... yikes on the pregnancy comment... some people (especially men) are insensitive. don't take it to heart. a puffy jacket makes anybody look bigger. that's why i stay away from them. (wink wink). i've been waking up at 1pm every day... sleeping for 12 hours or more. you're not alone.
from writergrrl88 :
Hang in there. I hope 2006 brings you hope, health, and happiness. :)
from emaciana :
i just checked out your geocities webpage and it's nice!
from dimstar :
Its not worth it. None of this... All my love.
from emaciana :
just think - 5lbs is nothing for most people at christmas. you're doing good. and i'm sure you can't see 5lbs at all on you. hope your christmas was alright other than that though. love tia
from anainsight :
I am so glad you are beginning to feel like it is not all hopeless. I am struggling a whole lot right now but now that I am under the care of a new therapist things don't look quite so bad. I'm going to find me a new doctor next year, hopefully that will make things better too. Let's both hope that 2006 will bring better things for both of us. Merry Christmas, and if I were not all the way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from emaciana :
it's not just wishful thinking. you can be better. thank you for the kind note you left me. love love.
from writergrrl88 :
Wishing you as much comfort as possible. I hope your holidays bring some happiness. And an early Happy Yule! Blessed Be!
from emaciana :
i feel your pain with the whole fitting room thing... i hate trying on pants. it always makes me feel terrible.
from dimstar :
Ack, I wrote a comment and it didnt work :) I'm not stronger than you, just fighting like hell and on a lot of Lexapro ;) Plus, I realize it will work out, somehow. I just have to hang on by the skin of me teeth. You too sweetheart. You are incredibly strong. All my love to you. xo
from dimstar :
You can make it. I believe in you and I think of you often. You are always in my heart. <3
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* Glad you are ok. I hope things are a little better for you now. *hugs* again I missed you Love cheryl xxxxxxxxxxx
from writergrrl88 :
I see you haven't updated in awhile and I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking good thoughts for you and hope you're okay. *safe hugs*
from emaciana :
thank you so much for your support even though you are going through such a tough time with things in your own life. i deeply appreciate your notes and wish you the best in coping with the crazy world we live in.
from lostunfound :
:)
from alexiaaa :
Im so sorry you are going through such a hard time and im so glad you realised how much people care about you. You a special person and have so much to live for, even if you cant see that right now. I also know how you feel about your sister, the same thing happened to me.. its the worst. Hang in there ((hugs))
from emaciana :
i am so so sorry to year about your sister. that makes me so sad... maybe try talking to her, because i'm sure you know how it feels.
from lostunfound :
I'd had a dream where I was really happy too, cause I'd found someone who filled the void. For a few minutes after I woke up I was still thinking it was true. Then it hit me. Nothing I did could ever bring her back. But there are dreams that do come true. I try to hold on to that thought. You should, too. :)
from emaciana :
i can relate to that... feeling like people will leave if you get better. everyone who cares about me came into my life because i was sick too. slowly though i am learning that they still will care. really. you just have to trust. talk your concerns over with them.
from alexiaaa :
Good for you! It really makes it a good nights sleep ;)
from hip-bone :
I read in a magazine somewhere that girls can have orgasms in their sleep without even knowing it.
from luxelady :
i looooove it when that happens...:-) xx luxe
from anainsight :
Hi, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time lately. I am too. I am struggling something awful that I can't put into words. You know, I followed your link to anorexic web, do you know if the girl who made that site has e-mail? I wish I could send her an e-mail but I have such a hard time navigating her site, and sometimes I get a message that I'm not permitted to view that site over my server. fuck this eating disorder anyway. I can't take it, I think I'm about to die.
from lustydork :
I do remember that picture. It was a girl in a hot air baloon throwing food over the side. I printed it out and it now lives on page 39 of my copy of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." Its an awesome book if you didnt already know that. I'll try to pull my computer over to the scanner sometime in the near future if you still dont remember which one it is.
from hip-bone :
That would be Miss Kate Moss. It took me forever to find that picture again cause its my favorite of her. It seems like its never good for us, cause in the summer its bikini season and nobody wants to wear a bikini not just because we think were fat but we feel fat. And then the winter comes, clothing wise its fine but all the holidays surrounded by food is a living hell. All of summer's hard work just goes down the drain and you spend the whole summer after winter trying to get it off only to start the cycle all over again! Ahhh! Ok, I'm just rambling. I don't know even know what this has to do with the note you left me? Hahah..
from hip-bone :
....Never.
from hip-bone :
<3 (this is sonotskinny)
from hip-bone :
you always take the words right out of my mouth. your brilliant and beautiful and i wish you could see that. you aren't alone. what do you think all of us are here for? we are all going through the same things as you- mentally. we might not live right down the street from eachother but were still here somewhere. thinking of you <3
from emaciana :
yeah, sometimes weights are just fucked. i dont' think i look my weight either.
from onecutabove :
The password is photos
from onecutabove :
If you want to see my pics, you can go to http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.d...ront?b=1&c=05DH and look up Jessica Christensen in events or I'm on the side under recent events. The password is photos if it asks. Let me know what you think.
from anainsight :
hi, I'm sorry that happened to you. I know that it sucks. I am so glad you are using radical acceptance. I need distress tolerance right now, I am in a real state. I can totally understand why that happened to you, and it's not fair. I wish you peace.
from emaciana :
i hope you feel better soon... you're too beautiful a person to see self destruct. But here's a quote which i love "behind every beautiful thing is some kind of pain"
from anainsight :
Please, put your razors away. Cutting is not worth the extreme consequences. I'm telling you this because I know. Do you want them to put you away that much sooner? They will, you know. Please, just try to sit with the feelings and use some of your DBT skills to cope with them. I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from alexiaaa :
Oh hun, hang in there. It will be ok.. Please take care of yourself, you have been suffering from this for too long, you deserve to be free of its burden. Im thinking of you ((hugs))
from emaciana :
im not sure what to say... congratulations for losing weight, or please take care of yourself. i guess it's a little bit of both. it's possible to be skinny yet healthy at the same time.
from anainsight :
hi, I was wondering how you were doing, CNN just said there's lots of tornadoes in the Roseville/Minneapolis/St. Paul area. stay safe. peace!
from emaciana :
the book "Hunger" is a definite must read. i know you can get it on amazon.com thanks for your notes. they mean much to me.
from anainsight :
Hi, I'd love to write to Gwen but I don't know the address, could you put it on my notes page? I'd appreciate that a lot. maybe I can find a nice card to send her. We've never met except through diaryland but I worry about her. keep writing and updating! peace, Carole
from writergrrl88 :
"Girlfriends" is a great mostly-lesbian magazine.
from candoor :
I hope you find love for yourself and forgive yourself and feel better someday... your openness is inspiring... it is strength :)
from anainsight :
Hi, I just thought of a little suggestion for you and I thought I would leave it. Just don't talk to your parents about your orientation. Like you said, they don't want to accept it and they never will. Just keep it to yourself, and go try out one of those supportive churches. As I understand it, Minneapolis/St. Paul has a fairly sizeable gay and lesbian population and you should be able to find one that suits you. Just keep it all to yourself while you have to live with them, and instead focus all your energy on trying to get better. I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from lostunicorn :
Yep me again:) Just to say I emailed you at diaryland. Email me back if you got it. Cheryl x
from lostunicorn :
Hiya again Thanks for your note:) I don't want to sound rude but I would love you chat to you about autism/the autistic spectrum from your point of view sometime. I plan to work with autistic children, so love to hear peoples first hand views. Keep strong and I'm praying for you Cheryl
from lostunicorn :
Hi Emily, I have been reading your old entries and noticed that you are interested in autism, so am I! Please feel free to read my diary and I hope its ok if I add you as a friend. love cheryl x
from emaciana :
a snake? you're such a brave girl. i have never and will never touch one!
from sonotskinny :
Me too. I haven't purged in 2/3 months? I'm not really sure. I stopped counting awhile ago because.. well.. I stopped thinking about it. But it comes back every once in awhile and I try to fight the urges as much as I can because it isn't worth it anymore. I hate thinking about what it could (and probably has) done to my body.
from sonotskinny :
Yeah but see the only thing is, is that I don't talk to him at all anymore. Well, he won't talk to me. I've tried but I get no answers... whatever. I keep going through different phases of emotions when I think about him. Its annoying but I know it'll only take time to get over him.
from emaciana :
don't just think about what the ED made you miss out on, but how it has made you grow as a person
from pissymystic :
Hello. I don't know if you're a gold member or not, but just in case you check your stats and notice someone spending a LOT of time on your page, it's me. I just found your diary and am reading through your archives; you seem like a very brave lady. I hope you don't mind my reading, but if you do, let me know and I'll stop.
from dimstar :
I had no idea you went to Rogers! I've been there once before in 2002. I spent 4 1/2 months there. I was literally brought by two social workers. Did you have Dave as your T? I was such a rebel then. I didn't let it work for me. And I might not be able to go. In fact, if I have to fly myself I'm opting out and going to Radar. Take care Em. And of course I want to stay in contact!
from soxconfused :
erm, not childish, but I can't think of a better word for it
from soxconfused :
I have had an eating disorder for years ;) So I do know for a fact that they are not trivial, but when you look at the world picture, they seem pretty childish to me. But then there are days where I feel like they are the end of the world..
from orchidprint :
i go to a college where 30% of the population is gay and more than that would readily admit to being not completely straight. i don't know one homophobic person, and if anyone here were to say anything homophobic, they would be in for it. and yeah, these people still have to deal with unsupportive--or worse--families, but i just tell you this because there are places where being gay is normal and celebrated and even sometimes envied. it's so awesome.
from emaciana :
knowing who you are is such a bonus, many people don't. don't let go of that for anyone.
from luxelady :
sweetie all you can do is be honest with the people who you love and trust - and if they are deserving of that love and trust then they will support you - if not, well then it is questionable...but you have support here...i went through the "telling" phase not that long ago myself (a year i think) and i know how hard it is. Try to remember you aren't telling people anything new - you are just revealing a part of yourself that they didn't know was there. They should feel honored to be welcomed into that private part of your life. and if they are not - then there is something within them that they have to deal with, it has nothing to do with you. you are yourself and that is all you can be. much love - xx luxe
from writergrrl88 :
as long as you're yourself, you're exactly who you should be. orientation is not a choice ... if someone would say you're wrong for that, it's they who are wrong.
from dimstar :
Emily, stay true to yourself. No matter what people say look inside yourself for the answer. If you are a lesbian thats okay, even if your parents don't agree with it. I and many other people will still love you for who you are and personally I respect you for being open about it. I am terribly worried about your health though. Anorexia is not your friend. It pretends to be but really it will be the end of who you are. It makes you forget who you are. You don't see the intelligent, witty, fun person you are with this disease. I want to take it away from you. And sf fat-free pudding is not your best friend. (Funny though, at diabetes clinics they push that stuff on to us diabetics...) Please, please try to eat a bit more. I know you don't want to but your brain becomes so fuzzy when you don't eat. Thin isn't happy. Sickness is miserable. I want more for you. So much more. xoxo Gwen
from dimstar :
Please be okay. What happened? Im sorry Ive not been there more for you. I haven't been there for anyone. Its selfish of me and there is no excuse but please know that I am always wishing you well and thinking of you. xo Gwen
from mslioness819 :
hey babe! Haven't heard from you in awhile. But my diary is offically unlocked. So you can read it at any time and finally write something about me in your profile instead og "LOCKED" :)
from sonotskinny :
ugh, i can't stand people like that. my dad would always give me lectures on how gays are sinners. people cannot help what they are and what they want. they're born the way they are and can't change. i support you 100%.
from luxelady :
good for you for accepting yourself and having the courage to seek support from those who love you!! i'm very proud of you - not that you care, but i am! ps - hope your ankle feels better...xx luxe :-)
from anainsight :
It's OK. I accept you. If you look hard enough you will find a church where you will find acceptance. At least, you might find one where you don't hear the politically charged rhetoric from the pulpit. And don't worry, God didn't create you in his image for nothing. Just wanted to send a hug and some love your way, and keep updating and writing. peace! (((hugs)))
from sonotskinny :
You better!
from emaciana :
hope you update soon. i miss reading.
from sonotskinny :
3 months seems like a long time but where did those last 3 months just go? it'll pass by quicker than you think. you can do it, hun.
from emaciana :
you will pull through, i know you will. i admire your courage. Courage isn't the roar of a lion but the quiet voice at the end of the day that says i will try again tomorrow.
from dimstar :
(((hugs))) You are so strong. I know you will get through this. Courage is hard to find and you have more than you see. Gwen
from mslioness819 :
hey Em. I emailed you a while back. Don't know if you received the email or not. Keep in touch. Sorry my diary is locked. I was dealing with drama. I'll unlock it soon.
from luxelady :
that was a beautiful entry - my hope and thoughts are with you xx luxe
from sonotskinny :
Just when you think all hope is lost and you've hit rock bottom something from inside gives you power to dig yourself out. You're too smart for this. There is no such thing as impossible.
from dimstar :
Emily, I did cancel out the first time, and second.... It didn't hurt but I just hated the thought... You know what I mean. How've you been sweetheart? I worry so much about you. I wish I could have celebrated on your birthday, made it good, done something nice for you. I keep thinking about it. I care so much about you. Please take care of yourself. You are so important to me. xoxo Gwen
from emaciana :
requiem for a dream... i love that movie. and you are not a lost cause, you may be complicated but that just adds to your beauty and your complexity and interestingness.
from sonotskinny :
Yeah, exactly. Thats why I'd rather not have any at all sometimes because I might get screwed over by them.. like I have so many times before.
from emaciana :
as much as you hate your period and i do too, it shows that things are working okay. and that you have less chance of getting osteoporosis and having brittle bones. a few days of bleeding is worth all that. yes, i am trying to convince myself of that too.
from anainsight :
Happy Birthday! (((hugs)))
from dimstar :
:'( Nothing I can say... (((hugs))) I am so scared for you and I know you can do so much good in this world. xoxo Gwen
from dimstar :
Happy Birthday!!! I remembered :) I hope all of your birthday wishes come true and you can allow yourself a bit of a break from this pure Hell for at least one day. You deserve it. xoxo Gwen
from sonotskinny :
Thats a good way to put it. A part of the ED is jealous, the other is sad. The sick thing is when I restrict, I feel healthy. The second I put more than 700 calories in my mouth I feel like my insides are rotting off and all that food is sticking to me like glue. Sigh..
from dimstar :
I could cry :'( Don't push us away. Don't hurt yourself any more than you already are.
from dimstar :
I so don't want you to be locked up for life. I want you to be well. It makes me so sad that you are going through this. How are things going with your favorite staff member? How are you feeling energy wise? You have lost a great deal of weight in such a short period of time. Are there others with eating disorders where you are? What about at the place they are talking about sending you? Please take care. xoxo Gwennie
from emaciana :
that's the hardest part i think... CHOOSING to get well knowing that it will involve weight gain and changes in the security you used to find in food/not eating/purging basically everything you know.
from just-fine :
Thankyou. I'm sorry you feel it too. I'm here if you need to talk to, always. Claire xxx
from dimstar :
I stopped doing laxatives too and then slipped up in treatment. It is so difficult to deal with. I am glad that you are alright. You dont HAVE to weigh yourself Emily. Please don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on your hopes and dreams, the belief that you can get better. Don't stop fighting this disorder. I believe in you. You are always here for me, and I am always here for you. Your notes mean so much to me and when I read yours this morning I thought, "She is right, I really do need to get this under control." Please sweetheart, the world needs you. I need you. xoxo Gwen
from goldieknox03 :
Im so sorry to hear about the laxatives thing. That scared me. Reminds me of when i OD'ed on motrin. they had to put me on IV's, give me a EKG. everything. The nurse kept saying" why would you do this, its so STUPID of you , YOur trying to kill yourself arent you. YOU STUPID GIRL". Literally. And i couldnt believe she was allowed to say it. stupid nurses.
from sonotskinny :
9 lbs in a week! how did you do that?! i am trying to get down to 140 right now. my goal is 3 weeks tops but its not going so well for me right now.. =\ .. but congrats to you my dear!
from emaciana :
the graduation thing reminded me exactly of me after my commencemet ceremony. i felt so alone and like all of a sudden all my safe walls were torn down and i had to face the world alone. but fortunately, there are still people who care about you and there always will be, so don't worry.. take care. tia.
from anainsight :
Thanks so much for the sweet note. I feel so glad that I am not alone in that I feel this way. I feel so guilty because when I don't get up like that I feel like I am being lazy and horrible and undeserving of life. So today, somehow I MADE myself get up and take my shot and have breakfast and coffee. I just got out of the shower, and I am going to school tonight. I'm even going to wear the new skirt and blouse I bought. So maybe that will make me feel better. I know why the staff refused to bring your meds to you - they want you to be motivated to get up and get them, but it's like you think they'd at least give you one free pass, if it would make you feel better. Good luck, I am thinking about you from way down here in Georgia. (hugs)
from sonotskinny :
I'm glad that meant something to you. I wasn't sure if that would come out the wrong way and make me seem like a weirdo. I really do admire you and how far you have come. I wanted to ask you, is that your cell number because if you have cingular than it is completely free.
from dimstar :
Oh God, I am worried about you. Don't give up. You are so much more than this. They aren't monitoring your eating at all? You are precious. You mean so much Em. Please try. I wish I could do more. Take you somewhere where you saw how special you were. xoxo Gwennie
from sonotskinny :
I love you no matter how much you think you are unwated and unnoticed, you are. No matter what weight no matter what you look like. No matter what mistakes you have made.. I think you are beautiful and absolutely wonderful in every way. I wish I could be more like you. You have a stunning personality and it shows through your entries. I admire you so much. You have so much strength and I know you *are* going to get through this. Baby steps! lol Your doing great. I am so proud of you. Just wanted to let you know!
from ecappaccino :
you're so inspirational... hope your day is filled with smiles.
from lathlorys :
A butterfly is a symbol of re-incarnation. Re-Birth. Trans-Formation. Do you understand that you are Star Dust. You are a vibration and you have added beautiful, esoteric, light image vibrations to your energy field. You shall enter your new reality. So Mote it be.
from emaciana :
wow! i also have my lip done (on the left side), and my conch on the left side, and i have 2 tattoos. one is about a inch in diameter, the other is about 5. I love piercings. they are addictive. I always look forward to your updates!
from anainsight :
The purpose of DBT is for each group member to acknowledge her own stuff and not to try to put anything over on other group members. That woman violated your boundaries. You don't have to own that shit and next time you get an opportunity you confront her with that and tell her that whatever problems she has with you she ought to look in her own mirror before pronouncing them on you. Everytime anyone points a finger at anybody else, they've got 3 fingers pointing back at themselves. I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from goldieknox03 :
the tattoo sounds beautiful. where is it?
from emaciana :
i'm so glad you updated. and i'm going right now to check out that personality test. hmm.. i'd probably be high on a lot of those.
from supergirl7 :
Oh i really hope you are doing okay. I worry about you, and i never update this diary. So i basically log on just to see how you are doing. What group home are you at? Just curious. We are so much alike it's creepy. Wish you the best love meg
from dimstar :
(((hugs))) I hope you are doing well there, and I am glad that you will be updating more. You are amazing Emily. What is the program like? What do they do? Take care of yourself. xoxo Gwen
from anainsight :
Hi, I discovered you through dimstar's diary. And I hope you don't mind, I added you to my favorites. I took the time to go back and read through all your old entries and I wish I could tell you how strongly I can relate to you, how often I have felt the same way you do. even though my weight is on the other end of the spectrum, it is the same exact battle and the same exact mindset. And I am so interested in the asperger's thing. when I was a little girl I was exactly like you described yourself. I couldn't stand to have scratchy clothes on over my skin. I was way too sensitive to light and sound. and my social skills were non-existent. I can't say that I'm really all that much better at my age, and there's still lots of days when I don't cope very well. But I'm going to add you to my favorites list. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you. I know you're wiccan and everything; one of my best friends is wiccan and I pray for her all the time. she doesn't mind. I am thinking of you and if you wouldn't mind I would like to send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from sonotskinny :
At least you could say you were that size at one point. I have been fat all of my life. Well, when I was around 5 or 6 I started gaining weight but back then I didn't know the difference between fat and thin. There was a point where I wore size 3 and 5's but I have no clue how I was ever able to fit into them. When I look back on those pictures of me in my size 3 pants.. I still look chubby and bulgy. Err.. it makes no sense to me. And that couldn't have been healthy.. gaining that much weight in a month! That must of been terrible for you. One day we will be size 3 again!
from dimstar :
You are so kind to me. I can't wait until you update a longer entry. I honestly didn't know how to reply to the last one, the words about your overdose kept running through my head... And I just didn't know what to say. I am really glad that you are getting help, and I just truly hope that it is helping. Please take all that you can from it. You really deserve a better life than this horrible eating disorder. It has been half of your life. Much too long. It is time to build better memories. xoxo Gwen
from mirrors-lie :
I don't know when you'll see this, but I just HAD to leave you something. Your note is so precious to me, it has such a deep effect on me and I thank you for it. I take in your words and keep them close, and I only wish I had the same words of wisdom for you to help you through your hard times. So many people are thinking about you, you give so much. Thank you again, Erica.
from mslioness819 :
Thank you for your note! I hope you're doing alright. I lost your email address the last time we talked. Do you think you can give it to again?
from goldieknox03 :
i wish i would have read sooner. Im so so sorry. I dont know what happened, but i too have tried. So i really hope that this place works wonders. we are all rooting for you. and you are in my prayers. Ill be checking back more often so i hope you can update. we'll miss you. Do take care of yourself.
from sonotskinny :
Oh my god.. hun, I'm sorry. I wish I could make you feel better and take all your pain away. I honestly do. I hate seeing you so down all the time. And reading your last entry almost put me to tears.. seriously. If there is anything you ever want to talk about, even if you think its stupid and I won't understand, I am here for you. My friend just attempted suicide also and losing two people would just break my heart. I care about you and I love reading your diary. I hope this meant something to you. I just wanted to let you know that I care. I really, truely, honestly do! Take care, hun. I'll be keeping an eye out for your updates. <3
from dimstar :
I am really glad that you are going to get help. I know that you can get better. It just takes time. I am really glad that you lived through the suicide attempt. You are worth so much more than all of this. I believe in you. I see your intelligence, strength, beauty, and above all, determination. I can't wait for you to get back and tell us how it went. Please, take care and don't give up on yourself. xoxo Gwen
from oceans-depth :
part 2 seek so you can finally know peace in your restless heart. I wish you love and strength xoxo Deja
from oceans-depth :
Hi Emily I wrote understand because i feel like i do. i see alot of myself in you when i was younger and i guess a small part of me now. Living with an E.D. Isn't really something that people understand unless they had one. I just wanted you to know that your not alone. I hope the group home helps you find all the answers you desperatly seek. S
from emaciana :
i miss your entries! i hope you update soon and i hope that everything is ok with you. thinking of you and wishing you the best. ◊ tia
from dimstar :
I hope you update soon... It worries me when you don't :( Take care of yourself. You deserve better than this. (((hugs))) Gwen
from emaciana :
why do you want to go down the same beaten road again, em? so many times and has it brought you happiness? 220 calories, that is insane. you wouldn't even feed a young child 220 calories a day, it would be considered abuse. don't abuse yourself... take care.
from sourgirl07 :
I don't want you to die! Where in heaven did you get that idea? ~*allison*~
from sonotskinny :
Your going to India?!?
from dimstar :
I wish I could do something, say something that would help. Tell you and make you believe that thinness won't make you happy... I just wish I could do so much more than I can....
from emaciana :
i really really want to get into DBT... i really need it. let me know how you like it and how it's going. i was hoping the BPD would fix itself but it doesn't look like it will.
from goldieknox03 :
hey. Do you read or work with "the courage to heal" ? I bought it a long time ago, but am scared to open it. Does it help?
from goldieknox03 :
your hair sounds gorgeous!
from goldieknox03 :
yeah, i know. But he's so young and never had any history at all in his family. Comes from a nice happy family. So im trying to cut him some slack and figure out how to "train" him into treating me right. Thanks so much for the support and the comments.
from goldieknox03 :
i hope it works too
from goldieknox03 :
im sorry things are going so badly. Ill be praying for you.
from air-diet04 :
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I feel like complete shit because I was not forced to eat any of it. I did it to myself and I just can't stop it, its always too late.
from air-diet04 :
I get like that too when I'm really, really pissed. It does feel like your not even controlling yourself and afterwards you can't believe that was you who just said all that. Well, I'm glad you yelled at her.. she deserved it for being late so much!
from goldieknox03 :
yum. Cranberry sauce. I hope sophie feels better:)
from dimstar :
I am considering changing my major as well. I can't believe how hard I find math to be! Thank you for reading my diary. I just hope that it doesn't glorify things too much. I also went over my goal, consuming calorie laden foods due to low blood sugars throughout the day. Really, our bodies know this is not good for us. It is miserable. I know and you know we can't keep this up. Take care of yourself okay? Try... (((hugs))) Gwen
from goldieknox03 :
actually as soon as she finds out the depth of my issues im pretty sure it'll be more than a year. closer to five. and there's nothing wrong with that. I just want to heal so i can start having a happy family
from dimstar :
Hi Sweety, I noticed that you joined one of my rings. I have read your diary on and off, and I worry about you. I noticed that you took Zyprexa. How long have you been off of it? I can almost guarantee within a few weeks of being off of it you will lose weight w/o dieting. I was on that crap and it was awful. It made me get to a higher weight then I had ever been at in my whole life. I hope Trevor feels better, and try not to catch the flu. Also, you are beautiful. Diets suck, eating disorders suck. Please, take care of yourself. xoxo Gwen
from air-diet04 :
Yeah, the only thing is, is we don't have any money so I couldn't see a therapist even if I wanted to. And health insurance won't cover it BECAUSE WE HAVE NO INSURANCE! I swear my dad is an ass when it comes to money. Well, thanks for the note. I really do appreciate it. =)
from oceans-depth :
Oh My Lovely I send you all my Hugs. I relate so much to you. I don't think I can even remember a time anymore that I haven't had this ed. Truth is I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. With you in spirit. xoxo Deja
from goldieknox03 :
im sorry the group got shut down. That sucks . It takes forever to feel comfortable in group then it always seems to end. IVe been avoiding therapy for a bit over a year. Guess i have an apointment on wednesday, cause someone thinks im ruining my marriage with my issues. grr
from air-diet04 :
I'm sorry its so hard for you, hun. =( I used to purge a lot and I did it awhile ago but I haven't been doing it too often. I think it about it constantly and get so close to doing it but I just think of what my insides looks like.. if their still there even. I mean, they are probably torn to pieces from the acids. Anyways.. I'm just saying, you CAN do it if you really WANT to and believe in yourself. After eating.. just try and find something to do for about 45 min/1 hour so your food can digest. If you try that at first.. nothing else will stand in your way. Atleast that worked for me. Good luck, with everything. You seem like such a strong girl. =) Keep your head up.
from air-diet04 :
I love that song! And yeah, its a bitch having to lose so much weight.
from emaciana :
440 cals! that is NOTHING. that's less than a 5 year old would eat. don't slip away, don't let go. it seems like the easiest thing to do, just succumb to the illness, but you can't. you're worth so much more than that.
from writergrrl88 :
i just can't understand why you're trying to send yourself to a place where they can mind-control you, dope you up with too many meds, and control you. seriously, you don't need to be under watch -- are you 5 years old? no, you're an adult. tell them all to fuck themselves in the asses and live your life the way you want.
from deadpassive :
some day you will get better, I promise. you just have to find that special someone that will take your breath away ;) Good Luck.
from goldieknox03 :
well as always, you do what you want. Im 160 as well, and i think im pudgy, but 120 is a good goal. mine is 135(im 5'7 or 5'8). Good luck. But be careful. i know im repetitive. im just worried about you sometimes. YOu such a wonderful girl. More determined in college than i am. :)anyways, you have a great night
from goldieknox03 :
well its not any of my business, but i saw your 5'3", and my friend is same hieght and 160 and she looks curvy and just fine. But you do what you want. But you such a lovely girl I'd hate to see your ED get the best of you agian. Be careful ok?
from goldieknox03 :
hey. just noticed the bubble wieght tracker. Dont tell me thats wieght to lose.
from officegal :
Thanks for the sweet note. Actually on this diary i post my paper diary from back in the day. This "angsty " entry was about 8 months ago. IM married now. I still feel the same sometimes. (lately), but ive been married nearly 6 monthes now. Thanks for reading me. I do update this(officegal) and goldieknox03 nearly daily. Sorry for that confusion. You are so sweet!
from un-fed :
*shameless plug*
from writergrrl88 :
i'm sorry if you're taking reason for paranoia, but that's just more of a sign of what they're doing to you. please, for your own good, i implore you to go off all your meds immediately and possibly just go away from everyone on holiday for a week or so without leaving word of where you're going. i just want you to be healthy and happy.
from writergrrl88 :
if you go into residential/group home, they'll surely trick you and commit you. for your own good, you absolutely must make sure they don't put you in any of these places. also, they (your professionals) are mind-controlling you with your meds, so you'll want to stop taking them and stop trusting your professionals. i'm just telling you this for your own good.
from mslioness819 :
Hey where have you been? I've been looking forward to reading some updates on how you've been doing....
from cc7o2 :
Glad your ok! Just take it easy and relax.
from writergrrl88 :
glad you're out, hope you're doing okay. looking forward to updates. ~lita~
from writergrrl88 :
wishing you the best and hoping you're okay or on your way to being better. *e-hugs* ~lita~
from lspart2 :
heya, stumbled across your diary *sends hug* i hope things get better for you and eventually they will: 'in the end it'll be ok. if its not ok, its not the end' / 'hold on it gets better than you know'.. take care of yourself xxxx
from writergrrl88 :
sorry to hear you had to be away, hope you are feeling better now. wishing you all the best ... ~lita~
from writergrrl88 :
just hoping that you're doing okay - and letting you know that i'm thinking good thoughts for you. all the best, ~lita~
from suzza :
I was reading back, and the thing is, I'm that much over the low weight for my height, too... so... if you loose, do it healthy: I mean, obviously you aren't going to do it hard-core healthy, but make it so you don't go crazy. We are miserable here and miserable there; we might as well try to b e sane.
from suzza :
Yeah. The thing is, also, if I get hooked up with the resources I want to, I'll need to go downtown a few times a week.. and with our bus system, the smallest trip takes 40 minutes each way. Sigh. I dunno. I just can't comprehend it..
from kimisamazing :
It is very possible to live on a vegan diet - especially since there are such things now as fake egg whites and tahini more available. Hey, they sell tofu in supermarkets. Stick to your guns.
from emaciana :
i feel the same way about school. like im just gonna fail. so my goal this semester is not to get awesome grades but just to try a little harder than i was last semester. just not fail.
from kimisamazing :
Well I for one am very proud and think you are doing amazingly well. Keep going.
from oceans-depth :
Just sending Love ♥♥♥♥ xoxo Deja
from laura-ly :
If you're eating more all of a sudden, it might just be bloat, and like you said, your body is holding on in case another "famine" comes it's way. Also, if you've just recently started exercising, your muscles will retain water, which will cause the scale to go up as well.
from suzza :
Um, yeah, that's fine. But it can wait awhile if you don't have any money. I'm leaving in like three weeks anyways, so if you want, you can wait, and send it to my new adress...
from suzza :
It's worth it, though. The eating. You will feel stronger and saner and a little more on the ground. After much thought, I've decided I'd rather be capable than sick, alive instead of dead. Have you gotten your bracelet yet? I have gotten nothing from you.
from emaciana :
sorry it took so long to get back to you. on TF i'm "lilsweetie". i've been a member there for over a year, but don't really post much, but check the posts every day. stay strong, you are worth it. *mwah*
from imome :
you are NOT a fucking pig don.t give up love <3
from suzza :
Four dollars plus a dollar for shipping :) LOL. I put them on tf, but no takers. How are you doing with...things? I wish I had your presence and determnination. I brought it up to someone whom I love.. and then dropped it. At my insistance, not hers. Now she is gone and I am alone. Rambling much lol? But it..opens, things, you know? Not in a good way, not at first, but you grow. I guess. Anyways,I'm reading :) Just to let you know.
from kimisamazing :
*hug* Don't give up.
from suzza :
That's a really good workbook, very powerfull. Keep us updated and look towards the sky, kid :)
from onecutabove :
Those sound like awesome goals. Good for you for wanting to get healthier/pursue recovery. The Stasis Room at TF is great for that. I've posted there like once or twice but never made it a habit. I know the girls there are very supportive though. It could be good for you. Good luck with things, and thanks for the note. I really appreciate it a lot, it totally makes my day. :)
from laura-ly :
Good luck with your goals. I hope recovery works out for you...just keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be healthy; you ARE worth it. **hugs** -Laura
from the-shed :
I Wish It Would Rain Reflections in my window pane show tortures sweet and sublime. Catching my eye as the whip cracks on your flesh. The weals stand out like a network of passion. Passion and lashes. You beg me on your bended knee to spare you the rod of desire. I brush you aside as the breeze catches the veil. Your unsullied features look at me enraptured. Enraptured and captured. I ravish your purity leaving virtue intact, As a sign of the pain you have caused, You mark me for life with bitter contemot. Temptations sensation. Touched by the presence of corrupting emotion, Your spirit cries out to be broken, On a wheel of my making, a wheel of my choosing, A wheel of unfettered rage. © S A Hamilton
from onecutabove :
That's great to hear. I'll be sure to pm you!
from supergirl7 :
I've been reading your diary for a while. And our situations sounds soo similar. Like about 95% of the time i find myself nodding in agreement. I to have the book, Courage to Heal. Haven't read to much of it becouse it was mixing to much anger. But i just wanted to know that you are not alone in the eating disorder or the sexual abuse.
from onecutabove :
That's so great to hear that you're realizing not all guys are evil... they really aren't all bad. Most, but not all. ;) You never know, maybe he'll e-mail or call you first and you guys can get together. Good luck with that though. I'm so glad you've made this breakthrough. Take care.
from mylovedies :
:) yay for josh <3 i.m glad you can find love <3, you should take a chance ;)
from gumphood :
whoa. Love your profile. I am going to check you out Emily
from mylovedies :
u deserve to get better becuase YOU ROCK BIATCH \m/ \m/...but oh i wanted to write u a letter but all i have is ur address from the place u were at, i wanted to send u a bday card so can i have ur addy? please :)
from writergrrl88 :
hope things are going well for you. best wishes and good thoughts.
from onecutabove :
I checked on the status of new members on TF and a mod said that as soon as everything has cleared up with the switchover then they will be accepting new members. So I'll get back to you when that happens.
from mylovedies :
i.m leaving for camp today, i hope someone misses me =( i.ll miss reading you <333
from emaciana :
thanks for the consolations about my ex/sorta boyfriend. i have some thoughts on treatment. it's not worth the time and effort if you're not really ready. maybe you have to hit rock bottom and GET comitted b4 you want to change and leave the ed. take care of yourself. xoxo
from onecutabove :
That sucks that TF isn't accepting new members. It might be that we haven't fully switched over to the new forums quite yet- a bunch of threads didn't fully make it over in the switch, and it's been almost a week already. We keep getting assured that they will show up, but it still sucks... Anyways, I will ask a mod when they are accepting new members because I really think you would enjoy going there. There are so many kind and caring people, there's so much support there- whether you want to get better or just want to stay as you are; there's no judgement and not a whole lot of pushiness. It's a very nice and relaxed environment, and I'd like to share it with you.
from mylovedies :
i hope that one day soon you can accept some change & be as happy as your friends are<3.have you ever thought about putting your faith in God? i don.t really know where you stand on that issue, but i.ve gone down the path of cutting, & not.s a nice place to be. you think your going up higher and higher away when a rope is really around your neck pulling you down more & more untill you hit the floor and you don.t know what.s happened becuz you thought you were in the clear...well that made so sense but oh well i send you love <333-steph
from onecutabove :
Yeah, I've gained a lot of weight too. Most of it was "recovery" weight, and then I got on birth control and gained an assload of weight that I'm still trying to get rid of. My lowest was 95, and how I would love to get near that! I don't want to go all the way back down, but 120something would be nice. I'm also 5'3. We have a lot in common actually. Do you post at TF at all? Leave me a note and let me know.
from onecutabove :
my username is ilove and the password is tf. Right now I'm trying to focus on being healthy and whatnot, but my more hardcore ed entries are farther back. I think they give you a better idea of what it was like for me back then. Let me know what you think. By the way, you mentioned that you were autistic... you sure don't seem that way to me. You seem like a very intelligent girl and you articulate yourself very well. I hope you can find the strength to stand up to your ed and fight for your health. I know the idea of living with an ed sounds alluring and doable, but you've got to think about how great life could be without it. Wouldn't that be nice? Feel better. You can get in touch with me by signing my guestbook or dropping me another note.
from mylovedies :
i want you to be happy <3, i hope you get brave & eat <333333 i love you <3
from mylovedies :
ur welcome for the note <333 thank you so much for YOUR note..<3 it made me go \m/ someone actually read AND LIKED my crappy poetryness...you should write i bet it would rock & go <333, i.m sorry your parents are going blah on you & losing hope, but i will be steadfast in my faith for you <33 go emily <3333333. woo i.m tired! lol night <3
from mylovedies :
becuz one day you will prevail <3
from writergrrl88 :
hope you're doing better. i'm thinking good thoughts for you. hang in there. let me know if i can do/say anything to help. ~lita~
from oceans-depth :
Thank you Love you are the sweetest. How are things? I hope you are feeling better. I love you diary too I relate to you. We have a lot in common. love ya xoxo Deja
from writergrrl88 :
people who should hate themselves - people who go around trying to hurt other people (especially physically); people who are close-minded toward people who are different; people who see other people as objects. you do not fall into ANY of these categories, and i hope someday you realize that. i know that psychology classes can be a bit harsh (i was a psychology major), but the fact of the matter is, you're a step ahead of anyone who has a problem and refuses to even seek help. ~lita~
from mylovedies :
sorry love, kimberly:empty inside is a book about a girl with an eating disorder, GOODLUCK on keeping that meal plan <333
from invisibledon :
happy thursday
from sparklytears :
i love you forever. <33333
from mylovedies :
you should read Kim:empty inside
from mylovedies :
=/ i.m so scared of that too =/ i always think nice things have bad intintions behinde them from guys..listen to this song: GENTLEMAN CALLER by-->CURSIVE "men can be so decieving...to take what they need from you" <3hope your dreams are good <3
from emaciana :
thanks for the link to vegweb. i checked it out. i really want to get back into being vegan. it just seems really hard right now. are you vegan now again?
from mylovedies :
<3 i love that movie <3<3<3. i cried at the end when he is in the hospital and says..but she.s not coming...remember that part? woo i.m crazy lol sorry <3
from mylovedies :
i miss when people really cared.=/ i feel crappy i hope you feel better <3
from jazzyana :
Hey, thanks for the note. I was wondering if you take Potassium? it's something I can't seem to find at Walmart... where do you get it? What kind do you take? Thanks!
from emaciana :
hi there. i read your diary and find you fascinating. i only wish you'd update more often. my username is tf. password is tf. take care of yourself. xo
from mylovedies :
glad your mom will be with you =]. goodluck<3
from mylovedies :
you are not GROSS gross is NOT you YOU are beautiful.
from mylovedies :
<3 hope that they come out well =). make sure you don.t let the dentist rape you if they put you to sleep 0_o!!!!.<3<3<3<3thanks for the note
from kimisamazing :
flip... what happened to your template?
from mylovedies :
I LOVE YOU BIATCH <3. sorry that she went blah on you =/ .... i.m sendin you a letter back tho =) ...sorry it took me so long.heh. much love..<3
from kimisamazing :
*hug* good to see you back
from mylovedies :
yay <3! did u get my letter?
from laura-ly :
Welcome back :)...we've missed you.
from kimisamazing :
don't worry, you'll be fine.. remember you said that you cannot judge an anorexic based on how much he/she weighs.. just convince everyone else that your kidneys are about to explode any second and they'll admire you.
from laura-ly :
That was beautiful.
from oceans-depth :
happy holidays xoxoxo Deja
from mylovedies :
have a good holiday <3 cookies are yummy :D
from ediblekitten :
hey... I think you're doing really well... take care for the future, and have a good Christmas, jea?
from mylovedies :
*super special heart ban-aid* i give to you <3
from laura-ly :
That image on your layout is awesome...and so is your diary. Take care.
from mylovedies :
*gives you bandaid* i dont think it will help but i try...
from mylovedies :
*love of nightmare before christmas* i joined some of your rings..yay
from mylovedies :
im sure you can be strong and get thru this if u need someone to talk im here
from idolducky :
your shocking words are inspiring. your 10 remind me of my own. i admire your strength. good luck in your battle
from moonlight3 :
I have been reading your enteries for awhile as you may know ( I think I left you a message about that before) Well I was wondering what happend in your childhood with the abuse. im sorry if this is rude you can just direguard it if you like or yell but I would relaly like to know. I read your enteries everyday. They have actually hepled me deal with my own problems that have happened in the passed.
from supergirl7 :
It's amazing to read the things you say. It's like reading my own thoughts. It's comferting to know someone has gone through the same things as me. But frusterating that someone else has to go through that pain.
from silentlylost :
Well the whole world is against you, all you have is everything but the whole world. Leaving yourself. Take care of that.. and finally when you're accepted arms in to the world. Be hesitant but still strive in safety. You are a bright young woman and I have to say that I am proud of your achievements and struggles although I do not know you personally. I read everyone of your entries. They are very emotion invoking. Your writings touch places that are personal and made me feel things I would have never felt otherwise. Keep your determination.. you'll always have something to move onward for. Those who learn from their mistakes, will never be condemned to repeat them longer then they did the first time. -- Courtney
from oceans-depth :
That is so true just once I wish I could knock the bitch inside my head unconscience for telling me how bad everything is.♥Deja
from loser-kitty :
i used to have a cat. she was fat. i had to leave her b/c this condo wont allow cats :( she had a "baby" too it was a rafiki toy from burger king hehe love your diary hold your head up <3
from tool-nin-fan :
I love the diary.
from xdyingsoulx :
i know exactly what you mean about the psychiatrist thing. i sometimes even think my friends are better at helping me with problems. my counselor is new and i can already tell she just graduated from college and probably doesn't have any of her own experience in the subject anyway. i think i might make a good counselor for kids like me who had to go through so much shit in their life. it's like having empathy not just sympathy. to be a psychiatrist isn't all about the books. that's my counselor's problem.
from xpunkettex :
Hey... I just wanna let you know that yer an amazing writers and I know how you feel. Sorta. I have bi-polar which severly affects moods and everything. It's not nice. I used to be annorexic. I'm on recovery. I had a LOT of relapses but I'm getting better. The best advice I can give if is to keep holding on to that cliff. Don't let go no matter what. I know it's easier said then done but you CAN do it. E-mail me if you ever need to talk about anything. *huggles* Just hold on and everything'll get better.
from bruised0x :
im going to read all of you <3
from dramoth :
thank you for taking my quizes. I look forward to visiting your diary. Hope you can make it to mine.
from lipofthevoid :
I love you!!! I have to run to class right now, but I'll write you an e-mail later. One thing: if you want to see a really, really sweet movie, check out "Ma Vie En Rose" (My Life in Pink?). It's about a cute little transgendered French boy. I haven't yet met anyone who doesn't love it!!! : )
from officegal :
i hope your ok. ill be praying for you:) chin up much luvin from oregon jane
from cc7o2 :
You have a way more interesting life than me. I envy you... anyways good job on your diary and good luck with your math crap (I know how it feels to be stupified by math) -Cindy
from officegal :
i know what u mean. ive been having flashbacks all day and im exausted. is it five thirty yet??? ps. i dont care what u think, i say your the coolest and thats that. so :P
from moonlight3 :
Kool!! Power to the Pagan's! I love beinng Pagan! Nothing is better!
from moonlight3 :
Same here! Although I don't really think any one is reading mine!LOL Yea but I always check up on yours!
from moonlight3 :
I have been readinng you enteries every day! I find it hard not to. I admire your courage for goinng through what you have to! I m sure you will be succesful on your journy~!
from ediblekitten :
*hug* by the way, your comments and guestbook thingies don't work.
from speranza- :
Oh oh! How did you and coud-of find each other? Through me? Hmmm...that would be awesome... i think the three of us have a lot of the same fucked up shit in common, yet not, in a weird twisted way... And we all like King's books. :) Secondly (yes, i'm skipping, i feel a bit manic today, sorry)...the cookies sound good; if i send you my address, will you make me some? Thirdly, i got your email, and will be writing very soon. i start working tomorrow for the first time in months, and so hopefully will get home before my roommate to jump on before he spends hours and hours...
from coud-ofsmoke :
Your writing is really powerful, and after what you've been through you still have the courage to write exactly what's in your mind... You sure as hell have my admiration. love jen
from speranza- :
OHHHHH my god! i just left you a great big comment on the latest entry you had; about Majorie's session today, and sharing things, and god fucking *damn* it... for some reason it didn't save. *sigh* Anyhow, i was just writing to say i don't know what it's worth, but i am SO VERY PROUD of you; for being a survivor... i don't know if it means shit to you, seen as how you don't know me or anything really, but...(and i hate to be revealing this in a public thing -- wish it was email... [don't you owe me one? *laugh*])...i know what you mean about feeling that things are your fault ("What did i do so wrong to get treated like this? i know it's still my fault, but...what did i *do?!?!??*") i'll not discuss it here, but...i know exactly what you mean. Just wanted to say i'm proud of you, and a little envious too. i'm glad you are getting help. :) Happy for you, and it just shows you're a survivor. *smile*
from lipofthevoid :
Hi Emily, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your commitment to keep the promises you make. Not many people can do that . . . I definitely can't, but you've inspired me to try harder. : ) Rock on, mamacita. Love, Anna
from wontlookback :
I'd like to say. That i understand you. But then i would just sound stupid. So. I guess. I feel. Alot of what you feel. I like your diary. :]
from speranza- :
Ethereal, well, since i'm too lazy right now to open my email client, and you don't have a guestbook; i leave you a long note. (Hey baby, i just awoke... :) First...who is Marjorie? Thank her for me, if she really is that instrumental in keeping such a beautiful soul such as yourself alive. Second...yes, i added you as a favorite, so this means you cannot do self murder and therefore stop writing. Okay? Good. Third...i won't discuss your, or my, personal issues over this, but...if you wanna talk, or listen to someone else story or just...whatever...i have experience in the raped area; believe you me-by seven different guys at that. *sighs* So yeah, i can envision me in your place, in the counselor's office, only...it sounds like you -want- to talk to the therapist; i never did. That is GOOD you want to talk. Its just a matter of finding the *right* emphatic yet strong-enough person. But yeah, if you wanna mail me... [email protected] Speranza means HOPE in Italian.
from officegal :
oh doll. i love your writings. im sorry for your pain. im just so sorry. your beautiful
from lovealways- :
*hugs* I ♥ you
from officegal :
you put me as a favourite. thank you. bytheway im sure ive said. but its always worth repeating:) you write beautifully:) have a good day:) be good;)
from raven72d :
It's wonderful because it was reminiscent of Roman Dirge and Edward Gorey.
from ghanima :
Thank god you told him it isn't wonderful--he adores his own image of woman--which includes razor-thin bones. He won't even speak to me anymore because I pointed out this was a pretty facile way of looking at a disorder.
from raven72d :
The image of the girl in the balloon is wonderful.
from inaptbeauty :
beautiful.. simply beautiful
from raven72d :
Write soon...
from raven72d :
I listen to soft, dark music when I read your thoughts...
from glassshell :
it seems to me that it would be impossible for a person to not eat for 8 years... i love food....infact im guna go eat...but not mean...that is more than just murder...thats like attempted genaside....do you ever think that all those anti-abbortionists think that people who jack-off are killing millions of potential spermies? its a thought...not a good one by any means...but a dream all the same... wanna try a little why not try alot?
from raven72d :
Any time... I will be reading you often.
from glassshell :
you should consider rainbows.
from brokendollie :
Happy Madron! May She always watch and guide you and may He always walk by your side. )0(
from raven72d :
I discovered you quite by accident today. But you're a fine writer and you have a darkly witty layout. I will be here reading you often.
from brokendollie :
You are an inspiration. 'An it harm none...' includes us aswell. But it's so hard, I know. We will get through it with Their help though. Blessed Be Sister. Stay Strong x♥x)0(x♥x
from xnevereverx :
thanks for the note, and i dont burn myself, i cant do it, i just cant bring myself to put hot metal to my skin, just cant, perfer razors. <3
from officegal :
you write with the talent i grasp at in vain. Good luck to you in all your endeavors. YOu can read and comment in my diary too. we have lots in common, or at least we used to . i used to be anorexic too, and now i eat, and i still hate being fatter than i was, email me or something, but your so coool im not sure youd want to. YOUR amazing, always remember that!:)
from sparklytears :
dear beautiful - if the rain is what makes you happy, then i wish it to rain forever;; [& a day.] xoxo [<3]
from xmidnitex :
i'll trying to keep writing more of my story but i'm really glad you liked it!
from xmidnitex :
i'll trying to keep writing more of my story but i'm really glad you liked it!
from sparklytears :
your kind words mean the world to me & then some. xoxo. [<3]
from killiansred :
no troubles bubbles :0)
from sadnow :
For everything you're going through, for everything you've been through, and for everything you will face in the future, I'm sorry <3<3 Carrie
from moonsphinx :
Thank you for leaving me a note! My little(16 year old) brother is Autistic. Glad to know that you are progessing so well in the world...it isn't easy, but it certainly is doable. Take care!

back to ethereal-red's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

Sign up for paid membership if you want!

Users online