messages to i-am-jack:
(click here to add new message):

from chakra-nadi :
It's a part of my personality that I wish I could find a way around. Obsessing, ruminating thoughts. I watch this youtube channel by this guy called Frank James and he's an INFJ like me, and he totally calls it. Thinking of everything all at once, whether you want to or not. It really pisses me off when people just decide they are done and disappear. I hate not having closure on fucking anything ever. The clock you have sounds like a great novelty, but definitely not the greatest thing to be staring at day in, day out.
from papotheclown :
That means so much to me to hear you say that. And good to hear from you, I have been wondering where you've been.
from jimbostaxi :
I've been told Darlene’s attitude is much like my own. This made things especially tough when we disagreed on something. Neither one of us gave in and we had to have a 3rd family member negotiate a cease-fire. Thanks for the note :)
from chakra-nadi :
huh well I thought I linked to the amazon photo storage, but I guess that didn't work out. I can send some photos via email.
from jimbostaxi :
I think our friction was related to how we thought we should be treated as opposed to how we actually treated one another. Once we started to respect each other lives things have begun to improve. Another thing that helped was it was just me and her. Without the other family members/ spectators, it was a whole different dynamic. Do you want to hear something funny? My shot arms feels better,, but I pulled something in my other arm,,, hahaha. Thanks for the notes as always! :)
from chakra-nadi :
cool. I am looking forward to reading it. I have a huge stack of novels that I intend to read but it's been difficult for me to focus on reading for some time now.
from jimbostaxi :
Arms sore but that is to be expected besides that nothing else going on. That wobbly feeling was gone after I woke up. Darlene was a great help because my anxiety was through the roof and I wouldn't have made it through it without her. We are more adversarial than anything so it was a good experience and made me feel closer to her. I also felt sad because we have fought so much in the past and she really went out of her way for me today.
from chakra-nadi :
so i looked up that author you mentioned. We got that 'running with scissors' book out of a free library in Denver. Kind of weird. Haven't read it yet though. I am always hoping people will choose their art over the drugs. Sometimes it happens. usually it doesn't.
from chakra-nadi :
A waste. That's a pretty good way to put it. It's a little harsh, but it's true. My friend is a great visual artist, and it's one of the things I was hanging on to that maybe there was some hope for him, because no matter what, he draws all the time. He wants to illustrate kids books, ironically. His art has been stolen, burned, thrown away, but he keeps making it and not giving up on it. It's really inspiring, actually, and I wish I had that kind of inspiration for myself. Before we moved I gave him a whole car full of canvases and art supplies. I hope he used them. But, the drugs always come first. Because of his moods due to the drugs he can't keep a relationship to save his life, whether that be friends or lovers or whatever. I feel bad for his kids. Must suck to have a gutter punk meth addict as a father.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry about your ex. some people don't change. They don't want to, or just can't or can't get the help they need even if they want to. It's very complex and I wish our society wasn't so sick. It's the same story no matter where you go. It is very sad. Life is very sad for many people.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry you feel that way too. Whenever I fall out of practice with doing art/ writing I get all these doubts and it can create a real blockage. When I was watching all those de-cluttering videos they kept talking about the "fantasy self" and how it's best to just let go of items that conflict with your reality. And I'm sitting here looking at all these art supplies that I haven't touched in awhile and I think no fucking way am I getting rid of that. So what good is an artist that doesn't do art? Where's the line? How long does it go on before you give up and how totally awful is that moment when you just give up on everything that matters to you because it's not "you" anymore. Was it ever? How can something so important just be a phase. I don't know. I envy people that never question anything. So I try to force myself into being inspired and that doesn't always work well. I wish I could flip a switch and not be mentally ill. I really do.
from chakra-nadi :
it's not a big deal about the funeral, there is no way to be there. as for my friend, my husband and I were discussing the people back in Roch and I asked if he thought they were still on drugs and he said yeah, most of them are lifers. These were really nice people before meth took over their lives. To know people for 20+ years and watch their addiction overtake them knowing there's nothing I can do is really difficult for me. Even the people I don't know very well, you can see it.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty! :)
from jimbostaxi :
Yea, she's freaking adorable. I figured a cute entry is better than something depressing. Oh yeah, I rescheduled my shot for this Sunday. Different place. different shot. So let's see how it all plays out and I will keep you posted.
from musikoid :
I feel ya. It's hard to tell how much of his power has actually been diminished, and how much is just lurking behind the scenes, clandestinely looking for the best deals as usual. It's scary that a guy with an M.O. like his could have gotten as far as he has, and naturally it's scary to contemplate how far it may take him. I like the Martin Luther King quote: "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." I hope it applies in this case.
from jimbostaxi :
It's kind of hysterical that I've been on the front lines of this shit and I still haven't gotten a shot. When this shit was raging in the city and the next state over I wasn't even wearing a mask out here yet. Then it moved out here closer to me and people were dying and getting hospitalized like every night. Fuck, then I panicked,, as most people did. But now I'm like fuck it,,, if it gets me it gets me,,, I know that is a dumb thing to say, ,,,,Maybe ill have my daughter set a spot up at the hospital,, least ill get to see her when they inject me..,,
from jimbostaxi :
Ist shot- today she had some soreness by injection site and was feeling nauseous. When I left for work she seemed much better but I was nervous for a few hours.
from musikoid :
It's three months after the fact of your last entry, which I for some reason did not see till now. I haven't been around much though a bit more lately. I just want to say, with regards to your last entry, that I do believe there has been a diminishing of general focus on 45 but also of his power and influence. Having him censored on social media giants, especially Twitter, where his influence was daily and omnipresent, is helping to decrease the indoctrination factor. (Of course I am probably a socialist for thinking this way but I prefer to think of it more like, I'm an optimist. Here's hoping.)
from jimbostaxi :
Soccara was just vaccinated with Moderna. She is doing well with no bad reactions as of yet.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. yeah, it sucks.
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, you sent exactly almost word for word what's on my mind. It's like no matter what you do or take there is some issue. I'm just going to drink my coke and pop rocks and say here I come Mikie! No worries about the length of notes because I'm famous for that! :)
from jimbostaxi :
I feel like a fucking lab rat with this experimental bullshit. It was a big argument over here with my kid pressuring me to do it. Your experience with the shot is very helpful because now I have a better idea of what to expect. The place doing the shots has some rude asshole on the phones and It's impossible to get info from them. Makes me fucking laugh,,, I feel like calling back and asking for a supervisor! Just call me a Karen! Or better maybe Kyle? Lol
from jimbostaxi :
I think I'm leaning towards canceling my appointment. I'm a large person and the news of blood clots and a pause on it is not making my nerves feel any better. My appt is still far away so will see what happens.
from jimbostaxi :
I hope your reaction to the shot ends asap and you can get back to your normal self. I will keep you posted if I experience anything when I get mine so we can compare notes. Do you know that scene where Marla has the smoke coming slowly out her mouth? Well, many years ago I sketched that! Lol. God only knows where it ended up lol! Thanks for the notes! :)
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sure you will be OK. Sucks you have chemical sensitivity too.
from chakra-nadi :
Hopefully you're not feeling icky for several weeks like the virus usually runs. Just take it easy.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks, but I am fine. Can't let other people's issues be my issues. Glad you are recovering from the shot. Hope you are doing OK otherwise.
from jimbostaxi :
I read in your notes you got the shot? Jeez, mines next month. I'm getting the one-shot deal. It's probably going to make me sick too because I have issues with lots of meds. I wasn't going to get it at all but people look at you crazy when you say that. Hows Andy? Send my regards. I guess we are all just trying to keep our shit together,,, thanks for the note! Peace.✌️
from jimbostaxi :
I think that I picked a good time to stand up for myself. We are severely understaffed so they must see more value in me staying than letting me leave. These motherfuckers have no heart and long memories so there is always that chance later on it will come back to bite me. For now, I will just do my office hours and no driving. That is fine by me,, this way when the world goes up in flames I can make some popcorn and enjoy the show. I’m laughing to myself because I’m thinking of the ending “Fight Club” where everything is blown to hell.
from chakra-nadi :
Damn, sorry the shot made you sick. Hope you will feel better soon.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm as OK as can be. Thanks for checking in.
from jimbostaxi :
It's the 3rd week since I spoke up for myself. They have mostly pretended there is no problem so I play along. For now, I'm still Jimbostaxi,,,, maybe tomorrow ill be “JimboLivesInAbox” ,,,, uncertainty sucks,,, all I want is a resemblance of some sort of life,,, I don't think that's much to ask,,, how have u been?
from chakra-nadi :
things are doing better here. I am trying to enjoy it. I will send some photos of the light switch covers once I get at least one more finished.
from chakra-nadi :
i'm sorry. weird. everything is kind of weird right now. hope you will be OK
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, why do people have to suck so much? I am really wondering if that park is just a place holder. Maybe they will put in apartments or something down the line when they get their funding. hope you are doing well.
from chakra-nadi :
most of what our government does is just illogical. that is just really weird about the park. That's sad people had to lose their homes over something so pointless. I mean, I like green spaces, but people need homes. Isn't greed one of those big sins? It seems like it's an intrinsic part of human nature, unfortunately.
from jimbostaxi :
Tomorrow I’m stuck there until one of them shows up for work. Depending on how that goes will determine a lot of things for me. Thanks for being a bud and listening to Jimbo bitch lol.
from chakra-nadi :
they are grabbing up a lot of land in MN to put in pipelines, so i guess it's something that sticks in my mind when considering where to live. Living on the edge of a bluff might be a good plan. That's weird they took out houses to put in a park. Here in town there's a building that got taken by the state, then the feds moved in and took it from the state. It's just crazy. Greedy and crazy.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry, i just get worked up about things like that.
from chakra-nadi :
the thing that I worry most about getting land is eminent domain. Having land encroached upon is one thing, having it stolen from you is another. Especially for a pipeline or other environmental disaster. People are really living the illusion we have freedom and have the right to own property. We don't own shit. They own us.
from jimbostaxi :
I appreciate the support and the notes. This business consists of owners preying upon drivers constantly being in need. They can make ever-increasing demands because they know you're afraid. If you dare stand up for yourself,,,you are the enemy, stupid or a loser. (The stuff they actually say I can't put here) I have put a target on my back by choosing my family over them. Thanks for listening,,, :)
from jimbostaxi :
It’s just them against me,, no options or people to speak to about my situation. The thing is this Jack,,,I ‘ve chosen my path,,,, we all have those moments in life,, now I take this to the end wherever that will be...sure,,, I'm anxious who wouldnt be,,, but my decision was the right one..,,,this may be the push i need to move on,, balls in their court,,, now I wait ...
from jimbostaxi :
I do appreciate the note and the suggestion greatly. It was fun going through a few of them and seeing if I reacted the same. My job stressed me trying to intimidate me into more hours. So I basically told them if the choice is between being here or home with Soccara,,, then I choose home. The last few days have been filled with anxiety because this might be the beginning of the end for me there...
from chakra-nadi :
that would definitely be the downside to the middle of nowhere. If you needed help, there wouldn't be any. I know from deep woods camping and being on friends' land that it is very unsettling at first when there are no signs of people. After a lifetime of city living, I am really looking forward to the silence, but I often wonder if I have what it takes, too. There is a middle ground, to be sure. Even just an acre or two can make all the difference as far as dealing with people, without feeling like you're stranded and about to be bear food. Our friends in MN have 90 acres, but their house is near the road and the neighboring cow farm so they really have the best of everything except the cow fart smell.
from chakra-nadi :
it's not funny, but the line "I'm a violent all over the place sleeper" cracked me up. I was told I was talking in my sleep the other night and I said "Who are all these people?" Ha. I have no idea what that was about.
from jimbostaxi :
They do,, triigger something in me hahajahaha but it isnt reassurance lol
from jimbostaxi :
Ty, I will check it out. :)
from chakra-nadi :
it is a little scary to be in the woods at night alone, but you get used to it. It's just that you wouldn't be used to it. It's far more dangerous in the city with people. Maybe you should take a vacay this summer. I would like one, but my vacation this year is staying home and working on the garden.
from chakra-nadi :
The headphones I have would be light enough for sleeping, but I am a side sleeper so it wouldn't work for me. Everytime I pick up garbage here, I get at least one big bag full. Last time we got 3 big bags and it was disgusting. That was for the whole block, though. This was just my own property. Most of the time I feel like I am in a redneck nightmare. I say there's so much garbage because of all the trash. This neighborhood has really gotten bad since I was a kid, but I think it's a pattern across the country. I will probably look at that site you gave me from time to time because you're right, you never know when you're going to find the right place.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry about your neighbors. Hell really is other people. Thanks for the link to the cheap land. I don't know how much I trust sites like that, but it's a place to start looking. The headphones help. I can still hear, but it does make things quieter. I can tell a difference, for sure. Problem is, they come and go all night, and I can't sleep in them. I am hoping they will keep me from having a melt down during the day at least. I wore my headphones today when they were outside playing music in their cars. I think it really freaked them out. I was picking up garbage at the time, though too. I got a black bag full from just my property. It's so gross. People are so gross. Maybe you can go rent a cabin for part of the summer, get out of the city for a week or so. It might help.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, concerned with a dash of angst. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
See it all evens out. You sent me that anxious note the other day and I send you the anxious email hahaha
from jimbostaxi :
Get some rest. Peace out.
from jimbostaxi :
Ok, good
from jimbostaxi :
Ok, got the test one and mailed my email back with it. Sorry dont know wtf happened
from jimbostaxi :
Ill check it and send again
from jimbostaxi :
Weird bounced back to me,,, email is the same right?
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you an email
from jimbostaxi :
Damn, you went hardcore glad you stopped. Everything was funny the other night and my mood was good which is rare. You cant be nice or in a good mood in this business because motherfuckers take that as a weakness. So when he started his shit I had to flip the switch and be like “ok, you want problems? I will bury you in them!” and that was the end of my buzz lol
from chakra-nadi :
maybe it's something everyone does. at least people who think at all.
from jimbostaxi :
It was a good feeling until a co-worker of mine ruined it by being an asshole. When I got home passed out and been in and out of sleep all day.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, you don't have to worry so much.
from jimbostaxi :
Hahaha, ty, I had a beer chaser and a few gummies so things are fairly good. All I need is a pillow and some junk food and work would be so much better!
from jimbostaxi :
Just dropped in to say I made it there and it went well. I'm off to work in a few and I took a few borrowed oxy and Xanax just to take the edge off. The throbbings stopped but now I'm sleepy. Lol
from chakra-nadi :
I get really pissed off about it too. It's too easy for me to really lose it over the whole medical industry and its treatment of mental illness. I didn't think you were ranting. I totally get it.
from chakra-nadi :
you could be right. I wouldn't doubt the US government to be playing some nazi blood science agenda through the medication on the 'undesirable' types of people. Could be why it's required to take the meds or lose your benefits. I am sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can find a way to feel better. I wish I could do more than just offer some support.
from chakra-nadi :
I worry if I don't have a doctor for when I have to renew my SSDI. They always say the physical side effects are worth the benefit of the medication, and sometimes that is true, but I don't see why they can't make medicine without so many side effects. You'd think in this day and age, that would be something they'd work toward. I will prob have to go in to see someone soon, but I am really scared about taking some meds again. I took some OTC allergy stuff recently and one made me extremely manic and the other made me so sick I felt like I had been binge drinking for a week, from one little pill! I am sorry you need meds. Sometimes you just have to compromise.
from jimbostaxi :
Want to know what my first reaction was when I saw your note? First was that we are a lot alike, anxiety is a bitch and I would have left that same note for me lol. Thank you for the note about the dentist,,,debilitating fear,, yeah, man,,, I'm like right up that alley,,,,
from jimbostaxi :
Most definitely not my friend, I lose my place sometimes and was worried about the dentist tomorrow. I agree with your notes, when something is deep and traumatic in our past best to let it go to move on. Kids are screaming in here making it hard to concentrate on a well-thought-out note. The meds thing I hope you get straightened out, sucks we have to sort through our meds to figure out the cause of something. Lastly, forgive me if I'm hit or miss with replies I have my head up my ass a lot and don't know whether I'm coming or going. You're always welcome to drop in and say what the fuck Jimbo? Lol
from chakra-nadi :
well I'd still recommend a remote mouse, I really like using mine with my laptop. Sorry about the side effects. I know how it goes. I never had Migraines until I came off Zoloft. I still get them once in awhile. I had an appointment to get an appointment for a shrink to get meds and then I backed out. I don't know if I should go there or not. Medicine and poison are really the same thing. At least you can keep it at a low dose. Sometimes that's the best you can do.
from chakra-nadi :
The computer repair ppl need to stand by their work. I use a wireless mouse for my laptop, it really helps. You have tremors from your medication? Pat has those pretty bad some days because of the Haldol. They had him up to 10 MG a day, which was way too much. Hope you can keep your computer running OK.
from jimbostaxi :
Shaking hands doesn't sound good my friend. I mean you have me worried are you ok?
from jimbostaxi :
That sucks with your computer being not 100 percent. Sorry, hope you get that problem solved asap. A lot of my new stuff is thanks to you and your tips. I kind of feel inspired at times and instead of questioning it ill just go with the flow.
from jimbostaxi :
Saw you online before. Just wanted to say hey! Hope all is well.
from chakra-nadi :
well, that sucks. I hope they can fix your computer for you.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, Pat was helping me declutter the yard signs and when I said to donate anything that said "welcome" he just cracked up too. It is funny. But, I don't want to inadvertently welcome vampires into my house. Hah. I'm only kind of joking about that too. Sorry about your computer. Hopefully since hand sanitizer is mostly alcohol it will dry up and you will be OK. We all rely on the computers, it's a real stress when they don't work.
from jimbostaxi :
I forgot to put in the email I spoke to Andy. Seems like he's doing well.
from jimbostaxi :
Sent an email to you.
from chakra-nadi :
i've never seen that movie. i can't watch cgi films. But yeah, she was a fixture in the neighborhood for a long time. I gave away all the signs/ ornaments that were around here that said welcome, because people aren't welcome here, and I don't want to encourage that.
from jimbostaxi :
Nope, never died in a dream. Anytime anything gets even close to dangerous I wake up. I got the emails and I'm working on responding to them.
from papotheclown :
Oh nice. I have driven through that part of the world once or twice. My sister-in-law is from there
from jimbostaxi :
Holy crap, you need to send me an email or note on the death experiences. That must have been mind-blowing. When u wake up after dying it must alter your real life no? Jeez, yeah fill me in never had an experience like that.
from jimbostaxi :
For the most part, I used to sleep too little so the dreams were seldom. Since I started Soccara on CBD gummies I take them sometimes and I have deep sleep with all sorts of dreams. When my sleep is brief it almost always seemed grey and black. Now I have splashes of color which in turn made me write my last entry. A prison break while being shot at is terrifying I can imagine waking up in a pool of sweat after that. I remember hearing somewhere you can't die in your dreams so I never worry about death. Lol. Thanks for the note! :)
from chakra-nadi :
we used to have a neighbor in roch that had the go away/ welcome sign attached to a dog statue. I only ever saw it on 'welcome' once. she was a weird old lady that would walk up and down the block smoking in her housecoat and slippers and had all sorts of plants and statues in front of her door. it was an apartment, though, and they kicked her out because the landlord refused to fix some sort of issue. it was sad to see her go, she lived there a long time and i felt bad for her, because it's hard to find cheap housing. Anyway...that sign you mentioned made me think of that.
from papotheclown :
Where is "here" for you? What part of the world do you live in? If you don't want to answer all public like you can email me and such.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. the house keeps feeling better the more that gets cleaned, but I wish I wasn't the one that had to do this.
from chakra-nadi :
I am glad your home feels better with the carpet out. I wore a mask when cleaning, but I still got a sinus infection. With how dirty everything was here, it's not a surprise. I am and have been run down for many months now, I just didn't have the immune system to fight it off. I think the antibiotics are working...I don't know.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. He's resting so I hope he will be OK. I just can't carry most of his stuff because it's too heavy so he really had to push himself. He says he plans on selling a lot of it because he can't move it around like this too many more times. I think it's a good idea. Sometimes less is more. I will just handwash things for awhile because I can't deal with repair men right now, or even shopping for a new machine. I seriously would rather handwash for months rather than deal with more people right now.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. we got everything moved into the house. Last weekend Pat had a bad seizure because it's so much work. I hope he will be OK this time, but he's not looking so great. Glad to hear you got caught up on rest. I am hoping I will be able to take it easy the rest of this week. Of course our washing machine broke yesterday, but I will worry about that some other time...it's always something in modern life.
from jimbostaxi :
Hahaha, well there's always an email! Share away! I thought it was a fun topic for my Dland blog so I wrote it up while it was fresh in my mind.
from jimbostaxi :
My exact thought was “that’s what I get for buying drugs.” lol Hey, sorry again for that messy trainwreck of an email string. Ugh..
from chakra-nadi :
glad you are doing a little better. stress is definitely a big part of my health problems. I know when I have something to do the next day, my anxiety often keeps me from sleeping well. I hope you will be able to take it easy for awhile. After this weekend Pat's studio should be moved into the house and I'm hoping to take a break and do some art projects I have planned instead of moving and cleaning all day every day.
from chakra-nadi :
I sleep every night, as much as I can, but I look like shit and I am always tired. I know I've been doing a lot, but it's not just physical exhaustion. So, I get it. I appreciate you getting in touch, even if you are not feeling the best. It helped me some. Thank you. I hope you will be able to take it easy and feel better.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I don't know why I get to feel like that. Maybe everyone does. Thanks for keeping in touch.
from catsoul :
1.28.2021. Randy said Mars Cheese Castle is down by Racine, WI. No we didn't go for that long of a ride. We went to Dairy State Cheese in Rudolph, WI. He spent $44.00. Mars Cheese Castle is closer to Kenosha, WI. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
I'm allergic to people.
from chakra-nadi :
there's too many people. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to be able to live here. This might be the place that makes me be medicated or else I'm going to kill someone.
from musikoid :
Yes, that also happens (correcting one imbalance and creating a new one in the process.) This may be why some people wind up on "cocktails." A family member is on a cocktail of eight different psych meds right now -- and the meds are on different monthly prescription cycles as well (which complicates matters even further.)
from jimbostaxi :
Sorry for all the babbling and jumping around. The late morning hours are a perfect storm for Jimbo. All the waves come crashing down on me around that time ,,,,but,,, then the sun comes up ,,, and it goes away.
from musikoid :
Right. I find myself wondering if the imbalance they're supposed to correct is supposed to be there in the first place.
from chakra-nadi :
sometimes my brother really doesn't have a sense of humor. I was trying to think of someone else's cell I could call and be like...guess what I'm calling from...but oh well. I hope they will keep the flip phone around awhile yet, I am so not ready to be assimilated. I guess I am a tech-phobe. It's comforting to know there's a few others out there like me. Thanks.
from catsoul :
1.16.2021. I have been saying to Randy before Thanksgiving, that there is going to be a Civil War in the USA. Little did I know, how unsettling and scary, government and politics are. I have been watching the news, or at least listening lately. I do recall you writing about this. Stay safe. Take care. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
We have a "new" landline here, but we found the old rotary in the basement and put it in the kitchen as a secondary phone. I called my brother's cell from it and he was just annoyed at me. I'm glad you see it too, because my brother just thought I was weird. You can definitely buy flip phones still, but they aren't cheap and they don't work well. With the upgrade to 5G, I honestly don't know how much longer we will be able to hold out and not have smartphones. I feel like one of the last real humans out there without a phone attached to my body at all times. Kind of like the Borg or something.
from papotheclown :
A very Merry Christmas and a happy new year, friend.
from catsoul :
12.31.2020. Boo!!! I have always thought my reality is just a dream. Your writing was exactly what I think about at times. Your words, man, are amazing. Thanks so much. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
12.29.2020. Thanks for the Christmas cheer note. Your kind words throughout this past year have helped me so, so much. Thank you for that. You take care. You can always email me at: autumnfairy@ymail.com. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
that's cool. the mail is very slow right now. several weeks behind at least, it seems. i will let you know when I get your package. glad you could talk with your mom for the holiday and staying in and eating cookies is always nice.
from jimbostaxi :
Your method did help me a lot. I just kept adding thoughts about different things and after a while, they found their way to come together.
from floodtide :
Merry Christmas to you too, Jack! XOXO
from musikoid :
Merry Christmas, Jack!
from jimbostaxi :
Merry Christmas!
from chakra-nadi :
merry x-mas! I got your email, but i haven't had a chance to get back to you. I hope you have a nice mellow day. TTYL.
from jimbostaxi :
One of my kids works in a cafe/ bookstore and we have a whole bookshelf of stuff I could use. If you want a few let me know the genre and I’ll ship them out.
from jimbostaxi :
I like your idea and I'm going to experiment with it and see where it goes. Thank you! :)
from jimbostaxi :
Your blog feels so fluid,,, so evocative,,, like it flows out on the page.
from jimbostaxi :
Your feedback is greatly appreciated! Describing feelings always feels so alien to me. Probably cause I suppress them so much it’s like ohhhh so this is joy? Happiness,? Its like being blind and describing the color orange,,,,
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, I rewrote that entry like 50 times Lol. Even did two small word changes an hour ago. I think it does a decent job of expressing how I felt. It's so easy to overthink it and say no one is going to get it. How is Jack doing?
from jimbostaxi :
A very accurate description but I love Drew Barrymore and that trippy ass rabbit made me give it more than its fair chance. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
I've watched Donnie Darko a handful of times just to see what the fuck people like about it. I'm like this is kind of trippy maybe In not seeing what they see Lol. That song was probably the best thing about the movie. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
I caught 90 percent of it. (was at work) It was good. :)
from jimbostaxi :
You'll never believe this but Polar Express is on right now!
from jimbostaxi :
Ok, I switched to music tell me what you think of this, and for extra points the movie it's from. https://youtu.be/4N3N1MlvVc4
from jimbostaxi :
I must have had like 4 different video clips that I was going paste here but each time I said ”is this really funny or just funny to me” lol
from chakra-nadi :
the water in denver was disgusting too. I never felt like I got clean. They sent everyone in the city a Britta filter with a letter explaining that the water was full of lead and this was supposed to help, but they never sent replacement filters. It was crazy. I am glad you feel your water is OK. And yeah, it's too bad so many people don't get the help they need for whatever reason.
from chakra-nadi :
glad your water there doesn't seem too bad. The water in Roch always stank and seemed really oily. It's OK here. Better than in MN. Well, my friend was homeless for a long time, but he still doesn't shower even though he lives inside now. He really isn't able to care for himself, and it's sad no one has stepped in to help, like his parents or something. It's great to give someone a place to live, but I think aftercare to help them adjust to living inside and doing what it takes to take care of yourself and your apartment should be part of that program.
from jimbostaxi :
Hahaha I could put that suit on and fill it out nicely! :) I finally wrote something that wasn’t depressing! That was kind of a mini break through for me.
from chakra-nadi :
glad you were able to do your self care. maybe your anxiety is from the state of the water. Water isn't water anymore. It's medication ppl have flushed and bleach and all the other chemicals they have to use to make it safe to come into our homes. My friend K only bathes like twice a year. Seriously. He said he doesn't like how the water feels and when I mentioned that maybe it's not water, it's all the stuff in the water, he seemed to think that could be the issue. So, either way, you're doing a lot better than a lot of people about taking care of yourself. Glad you've been writing, too.
from musikoid :
I think there is a name of that phenomenon you're describing, like you said, though I can't think what it is.
from catsoul :
12.15.2020. Just got on the computer and read your note. Thanks man. I giggled a bit when I read the part about my hair washing. I always seem to put off washing my hair all the time. I have even written about it because I am so, so proud of myself when I finally have showered and washed my hair. Yes, I have hair almost down to my waist. In my younger years it was even thicker. It has thinned a bit, though not much. My routine after I wash my hair is that I braid it, this way I can leave it in braids for, up to 5 days, unless Myla plays with the braids while I sleep, then I look like a bit odd with sections of the braid pulled apart. Then I have no choice but to take out the braids. There have been times I just put on a knit hat. I am fortunate if I can convince myself to shower and wash my hair oh, around 22 to 25 days. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I just smile to myself when I finally get that task done. Kuddos to you for completing your task. Peace man. =^..^=
from musikoid :
So you're used to the tub as opposed to the shower, which seems foreign and in fact aggressive toward you when you happen to wind up in one. I can see where the shower would be altogether like an enemy, whereas the tub is only a temporary enemy due to the immediate factors you describe. I think I get it. I'm just concerned that the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Youtube is totally addicting, and I have a similar problem with that. Now that I don't have a shower, just a tub, I realize how much more work it is to bathe than just hop through the shower. Most of the people I know don't bathe as often as they probably should for whatever reason, so don't be so hard on yourself. But I am glad you were able to take care of yourself.
from catsoul :
12.14.2020. Hi Friend. First, thanks for your note, it sure helped me. Now you know it takes so much strength for myself to get cleaned up and wash my hair, so I can understand what you are going thru. Sometimes either a bath or shower in impossible to convince oneself to do. I think you should do what you can, when you can. In the whole scope of one's life, getting thru one's day is an accomplishment. Please be kind to yourself. Peace. =^..^=
from musikoid :
This is mundane compared to the incredible poignancy of your entry, but I am in the dark as to whether there is a shower, and if the prospect of a shower would be more appealing than taking a bath. I may have missed something, though. But if not, I wonder if it would be easier just to take a shower.
from jimbostaxi :
When I read the part about the lotion my mind switched over to the Caddyshack oil scene. I know Ty rubbing oil on Lacey has nothing to do with being ashy,,, it's just a great movie Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Ooooh no, we can't have you going anywhere! I'll call in an order of frozen pizzas and candle warmers for you as a bribe to stay! Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I felt bad about missing Catsoul’s call and I was just stuck emotionally not being able to express myself here which made me kind of ramble in her notes. You know what gets me, Jack? I’ve kind of boxed myself in here and I want to say some pretty fucked up shit or something from left field and can’t. I wanna be like remember GI Joe with the Kung fu grip? or that big box of welfare cheese? but people would say wtf? It shouldn’t matter about what onlookers say I know,,, but to some degree it does,,, I can’t get validation in real life so I look for it in my blog. Lol. Thanks for being a bud!
from jimbostaxi :
I'll probably do Micheals I detest Walmart even though it's cheaper. Lol. You came along at a good time because I was thinking of not coming back here anymore. It's hard talking about sickness and pain every time. The candle entry which I quickly deleted was my attempt at talking about something other than Soccara’s illness. Thank you Jack for reminding me it'’s people like you who make this place special.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, it is totally ridiculous. I think essentially the guy wishes he had charged more for the space.
from jimbostaxi :
I'm going to look into your ideas plus put smoke detectors back up. Two of them are down because I assaulted them for beeping when their battery was dying. Lol
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, getting shushed for making music in a music studio is bullshit. I will be happy to have him here more often, overall. I will worry less. He already had one seizure at the studio and barely made it home. It's probably all for the best. Just could use a break, before I break my back from all this moving.
from jimbostaxi :
I'm afraid to leave her with any scented candles because my place may be burned to the ground when I get back. Ugh, what' other disaster can this year bring? Maybe a pizza that squirts acid? Let's hope the new year brings us all some hope.
from papotheclown :
Yeah, I really thought this year was going to be my year to get shit together too.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. it was a nice thing to find all the photos, but it made me miss my parents a lot.
from jimbostaxi :
I just heard she severed a tendon and is being transferred to a psych ward when the hospital has cleared her. Thanks for the note and happy Thanksgiving!
from papotheclown :
Well, just keep "Hangin' Tough" and I am sure the songs will be gone in no time.
from jimbostaxi :
Steps taken were to lock the pills up and she was told not to approach Soccara again for pills. That is fine with the rest of them but as far im concerned its not over. I will go to battle sometimes just so we both lose. ”Pyrrhic” victory is still a victory. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
I wanted to as well but I had to be very careful because that all could backfire and they could take it out on Soccarra. I have to keep her as safe and protected as I can so I used my mouth to call family members for backup. The phone calls were full of rage but I explained to them this rage is in check until they all come up with a plan to fix this situation.
from chakra-nadi :
I am going to get your package out this weekend as long as there's no big horrible event that happens between now and then. I will let you know when it goes out. Sorry you're not well. I'm sure your hands hurt from pulling up that carpet tack. that stuff is awful. I am feeling better mostly. I think I got a chill. After 6 months of almost 100 degree heat, I am loving the colder weather, but my body isn't used to it anymore. I'm still adjusting to being back in the midwest.
from chakra-nadi :
we did have to run the heat, it got pretty cold, but we held off as long as we could and we were nervous about it. It was almost 80 years of dust and debris in there. It barely seems like the same house now. I wish my parents had taken better care of it, I'm sure their health would not have been so bad.
from chakra-nadi :
i think they briefly mentioned the electoral college in school, but I didn't fully understand what it was until a few years ago myself. I've learned a lot in the last few years. Too much, maybe. Good for you for voting, though.
from jimbostaxi :
I am Jimbo’s ferret bones already pre dipped in ranch waiting for the monsters to fight over me. The next thought was examining our flaws and mistakes is a Herculean effort. It's much easier to give an unbiased analytical opinion when you're on the outside of the circle. Most people are fools and wouldn't know the right thing to do if you hit them with a brick in the face.( Jack, your my boy don't read into anything I wrote here,,, that's how my mind works. Lol. I just am alone right now and I'm in the zone thinking about life and stuff,, so yeah,,, I was here peace,
from musikoid :
Jaded, shaded, faded. The system is toast. :(
from i-am-jack :
*
from chakra-nadi :
I can't vote for someone I don't like. I won't vote until there are more than two parties that get an honest chance. And they need to just go with popular vote. That alone proves this whole thing is just a game. I honestly don't think voting matters, but that is sad unto itself.
from chakra-nadi :
you're a better person than me. I'm not even registered to vote here and I really don't care.
from chakra-nadi :
Also, I am hoping to get your package out in a few days. Finally, so I am going to write a letter so I'm sorry I'm a little late in getting back to you on the emails. Kind of under the weather now. Not the virus, because I'm getting better already, just run down from overwork and stress and not eating right and the cold.
from chakra-nadi :
the stuff that came out of our vents was so much that they took photos. I think they are going to use it to advertise their company. Like, to scare people to not let their house get as bad as this one. It feels and sounds totally different in here. It's like an entirely different house now. It's great, but also disorienting, kind of like what you mentioned with your journal, but on a whole house scale.
from musikoid :
That is certainly true.
from musikoid :
To the third note, I saw him this morning at church, and we agreed to meet again tomorrow and meet weekly. I didn't express having been through any particular hell, only that I'm eager to see him again. The weekly check-in helps so much. I guess at the same time, however, I can't become too dependent on it.
from musikoid :
Actually I have heard of Impostor Syndrome. A friend of mine Lauren (a writing coach) has been writing about it lately, but I've not tuned in to her pieces on it. Someone told me a long time ago that Bob Fosse the choreographer had it. Despite being an award-winning, brilliant choreographer, he harbored this fear that he would be "found out." What I experience is very similar. I think I'll look into that more, as well as into self-sabotage.
from musikoid :
I got the first note. I tend to want to leave the party very early and go off and be alone. People interpret it as antisocial but it's just introversion.
from musikoid :
It will take me a while to comprehend and process all three notes, as my reading comprehension is unusually poor at this time.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, just dropped by to say hi. I'm thinking of going trick or treating as ”Fat Bastard.” I will just knock on doors and say ”get in my belly!” pretty good right?
from catsoul :
10.31.2020. Hi. Thank you for your peaceful, kind words. Again, I am offering up to you whenever, that you should come here, there is a lot of room, you would be more than welcome here and you would find some peace within yourself. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
10.31.2020. Hi. Thank you for your peaceful, kind words. Again, I am offering up to you whenever, that you should come here, there is a lot of room, you would be more than welcome here and you would find some peace within yourself. Peace. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Funny how it all comes down to that :)
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. We just got the air ducts cleaned today, and they have NEVER been cleaned. It was the worst they've ever seen. It's very literally removing the past from this house. It feels so much better in here with all we've done.
from chakra-nadi :
I am happy you are able to improve your living space. I'm sure your breathing will improve. Carpet really is just toxic no matter what. I am thankful this house is hardwood. I wouldn't want to be dealing with hoarded out carpet on top of everything else! Glad you are resting too. Take it easy and enjoy your cleaner place!
from chakra-nadi :
I think I know how you feel. I've been working every single day for months now and I feel like I've been beaten with a bag of oranges. That's awesome that you are getting rid of that carpet. After you recover from all this work, I'm sure you will feel a difference in your health. Make sure you let your muscles rest, though. It's easy to over do it.
from chakra-nadi :
That's kewl. Glad you have been productive. It's always nice to have someone going through a similar situation to help. Thanks for taking some time out to chat with me. We finally got all our boxes in the house today, and have a dining table and chairs. It's great! Still surrounded by boxes and my parent's things, but I have to keep reminding myself to take breaks because it can't all be done at once. Make sure you don't over do it, either.
from musikoid :
Ditto on the intense rage. Sometimes intense lust will also strike. I just read a pretty good article on the effects of sleep deprivation: https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body I'm going to do further research.
from chakra-nadi :
You should be proud that you are working on de-cluttering. It really is more about changing your mindset, the physical stuff seems easier after that. That's good your sister had you to help, but it's good to hear she took responsibility too. I get upset at my brother for not helping more. He's apologized, I recognize he just can't deal with this, partly because he has his own hoard, but little things like telling me deep freeze was cleaned out, and then I find out AFTER the dumpster gets carted off that no, it's still full of outdated meat and stuff. You know...honestly, I just want a simple life after all this. I don't have any lofty expectations. Just hoping for being somewhat comfortable and some peace. Not having to walk sidewalks down a room would be nice.
from musikoid :
Good on you, Jack. It does seem to me to be the superior approach to human relationships.
from chakra-nadi :
the physical items definitely leave a mental/ spiritual weight on people. So many times on that show "hoarders" people would bury themselves in as a defense mechanism, it's really common it gets triggered by loss/ trauma. I'm sorry things got so much worse after your cat died. I am proud of you for trying to declutter. It's not easy. I am trying to just focus on getting the work done here and not get angry or place blame. I get upset almost every time I clear out a space, though. It's almost harder emotionally than physically doing this house.
from chakra-nadi :
It's totally like that, every bit that gets cleaned up makes the entire space feel lighter. People can come into a house and immediately tell a difference when something has been de-cluttered, even if it's not obvious what that was. I am glad you are working on clearing out your space. I wish I didn't have to do this here, because it's not my mess, but it's my responsibility now, and I'm sure not going to leave it like this and just add my stuff to the problem. I couldn't live this way, and I don't think my brothers understand why it bothers me so much.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, we were surrounded. There were a lot of things that were less than ideal about our location. Overall, it's better here. I enjoy having a fence around the entire property. Most kids aren't planned, aren't wanted, and it makes them have an awful life. People do act like having a kid is just something that happens and you have no control over it.
from musikoid :
Seeing our own part in things first before approaching or addressing other people involved is an important aspect in Step work and also I think Jesus had some choice words to say on the matter - Matthew 7:3-5 for example. But it's hard to do, especially when people do so often mistreat others and take advantage of them. Still you're right it ultimately makes things easier on our own selves as well as generally makes things better all around.
from musikoid :
I think it was this woman K.W. whom I said was bossy and nosy and didn't have many friends. The other person should have been K.C. if I did initials, but it's very likely I got the initials mixed up, as there is also a K.S. and a K.B. I'm not too good at the initial thing, but yeah it was definitely K.W. who is not well-liked. + Always best to see our own part in things first, but always hardest as well (at least for me). I tend to see the fault in others before I see my own - maybe that's just human.
from musikoid :
Hey Jack, I appreciate your note (which I just read after writing my entry of around noon 10/19). I don't think it's a thing where I ought to let her go right now, but we do need to talk. It's also not a thing of people not liking her (not sure what I wrote that gave off that impression) because she is very well-liked around here. Not exactly sure why she moved to Portland (of all places) at this time. But I do think that when we talk tomorrow, I will need to bring up how detached she is (not just geographically, but spiritually) from the project (and the spirit thereof) and that if she's going to help, she's going to have to be more attached. Still I think the emphasis ought to be in my own part in it, my own bad for not sufficiently prepping her. Then, we'll see what she says. She might like the project enough to stay on, or she may have lots of other things to do that are closer to home.
from chakra-nadi :
It's good you are de-cluttering. It's important. It CAN cause major anxiety to keep seeing the piles of things. We cleaned out the "junk drawer" here, which is how it's always been. When we pulled everything out of the one little drawer, it was spread all over the kitchen floor and it took us a few hours to put everything into it's new home. Found a phone book from before I was born. Just crazy.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, i don't think most people really wanted their children. The school that was across the street from us in Roch was a multi-purpose school, ESL, Alternative High School, Head Start Day care...it was constant traffic all day long. No parking available on the street because of their tiny lot that used to be a playground. There was an elementary school at the end of the block too, which made the traffic just awful. Our neighbors here are a little better than that. A little bit.
from jimbostaxi :
I love it when people are cracking up as they are trying to get the joke out. Sometimes them cracking up is funnier than whatever they are trying to say. :)
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, the neighbors here are pretty messed up, but we have a fence around the entire property and are on a corner lot, so we have a little bit of a buffer zone. Mostly it's just the noise. Not much worse than the entire school that was across the street from us in Roch. Glad you could get some of your things organized. I've noticed lately that is a lot harder than it should be to do.
from chakra-nadi :
my neighbors aren't driving for uber when they are on motorcycle, bike, or foot, but I wish I could tell myself something like that. They don't hide what they are doing, and are in fact, really stupid. Oh well. That's life in the city. Bad cars and stupid people. At least my house is getting to be more livable. We are having some Indian Summer and it's making ppl stupid. Hope it's OK where you are. As OK as ever, anyway.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, thanks for the note. Lately, I've just been keeping to myself not much going on except appointments. There was something weird that happened the other day,,,,, I laughed! I hardly ever laugh so when it happens it's like what's happening to me Lol. I ran across this guy who does videos of shitty things that happened to him growing up and some of them reminded me of my life. Check out brewsstew.com
from musikoid :
I also sense this will be a positive shift for you.
from musikoid :
You mentioned a word, withdrawing falling short. Deeper or more meaningful than withdrawing or isolating, it could be regrouping. Something we need to do at certain times. Usually (for me) this is when affected by a person or people, usually involving an interpretation of our behavior or character with which we take issue. It helps to remember that they have their own issues (whether they are aware of them or not). Regrouping is a good thing, ultimately.
from bridrinkspee :
Your taste in music is supreme
from jimbostaxi :
Hahaha, you are killing me. That link was freaking funny! Thank you!
from jimbostaxi :
I was just singing out loud to her video at work. I'm sure the owners will love that when they watch the security footage. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
:) glad you got it!
from jimbostaxi :
I can relate to your writing because your locked and can let your anger run free! I forever self censor myself because mines open. In all the time I've read you I have never thought ”hot pink lost lamb” maybe a maroon or perian red,,,, never hot pink! That made me smile! :)
from jimbostaxi :
ahahaha I did Aol chat! But ,,,, my antics were,,, not in the good rooms lol. It's embarrassing to admit that.
from jimbostaxi :
Back in the day, I achieved some neighborhood fame When I played ”Asteroids” and ”Defender.” People would call me by high score tag name and it was kind of cool for an uncool kid. Here, I would rather dwell in anonymity and just converse with a handful of people. Fewer people less anxiety lol
from jimbostaxi :
missed the music note you left so I'm backtracking a sec. To say I'm a music guy would be a lie. I do have an open mind for new music but my playlists are mostly old rock stuff.,the newest additions are the angry metal lol. As far as being approachable back than I give myself a -100 rating. now my rating is -25 lol
from jimbostaxi :
Yes, I do recall the banner feature. One night many moons ago I saw it and was thinking about doing one. I'm much more open now and chat more than years back. I hardly spoke to anyone in the beginning. Then I would go missing months at a time from here. I appreciate this place and all you guys much more now.
from jimbostaxi :
I would have loved that sounds cool. I missed trying that when I first got here because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. They should bring that feature back.
from jimbostaxi :
I wished DLand had instant messaging!!! Lol, that would make my replies much faster lol.
from jimbostaxi :
Oh yes, She most definitely could sing me to sleep any day of the week. Its funny you said that about angry metal because I have a fondness for that.
from jimbostaxi :
Well, add me to the swooning party! Love it!
from jimbostaxi :
Such a beautiful voice singing to me with the world going to hell behind her. It's very hypnotic can't take my eyes away.
from jimbostaxi :
I want to be that guy on video who continues to eat as the place gets demolished behind me. Lol.
from jimbostaxi :
If I find one I will bring some brass knuckles to be ready for action. Hopefully, the melee won't start until after I eat my chicken and waffles!
from jimbostaxi :
Bahahahaha! That did make me smile! Thank you so much for sharing that.
from jimbostaxi :
Never been there but maybe one day! I'm getting hungry thinking about it. Lol The cancer news is good hope I have more to report down the road. Thanks for the notes! :)
from chakra-nadi :
that's good. I'm trying, but it's not working out so great.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, in regards to the social security, we both did get lucky. But they really make you work hard for your benefits still and I'm sorry. I hope you are doing OK.
from musikoid :
Couldn't remember having written an entry today and had to look it up. https://edeninbabylon.com/2020/04/07/tuesday-tuneup-76/ is the pertinent tuneup
from chakra-nadi :
I don't know how I would be getting by if I had to worry about working right now in addition to everything else I've been dealing with. I am thankful you don't have to worry about it too.
from musikoid :
I got your two notes. I actually wrote about this once, the subject we're talking about. If I can find it I'll send you the link, it was one of those Tuesday tuneups.
from chakra-nadi :
cheers to that. I am very thankful I got accepted to SSDI before all the pandemic stuff took hold and closed all the SS offices.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah when ppl say what do you do, they mean what do you do for money. There's no way that you could be fulfilled from something if money wasn't involved, right? People suck.
from musikoid :
Sorry if I've been grouchy. It's not you. I think it's inbred in the human condition for all of us to care what somebody thinks of us. But spiritually the only One whose opinion really matters is God. It's just that He tends not to speak audibly except through others, and through events in people's lives. It's just that whenever the subject comes up, people give me all this DiaryLand Manifesto and it makes me feel even more distanced. I'm never done with this, that, or anybody believe me. Too old.
from musikoid :
You and I are cool. And your diary is exemplary. Correct that the vast majority are bs'ing as to whether they actually write down everything they feel when there are onlookers. I'm just grouchy over the whole subject. All this modern day thinking tells us we're not supposed to care what others think of us and I say BULLSHIT. Of course we should care! They're our fellow human beings on the planet.
from musikoid :
You and I are cool. And your diary is exemplary. Correct that the vast majority are bs'ing as to whether they actually write down everything they feel when there are onlookers. I'm just grouchy over the whole subject. All this modern day thinking tells us we're not supposed to care what others think of us and I say BULLSHIT. Of course we should care! They're our fellow human beings on the planet.
from musikoid :
Look at it this way Jack. I can continue to write my life, skirting around the real issues for fear somebody I don't know very will report me to some kind of authority and I'll get into all kinds of trouble, or I could let loose and risk getting into the trouble and a lot of sleepless nights. Nobody on this site can tell me that they are honestly just "letting all the stops out" and journaling as they would if they didn't have a readership. When people try to tell me that, I take it to be a lot of bullshit.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I still don't think I did anything wrong by sending flowers. Mostly it was meant to be part of our inside joke we were having but I didn't expect him to flip out like that. i don't think he will forget and that's too bad because we were getting along really well but he is one damaged individual and it's prob best I just let him do his thing without me around. Was nice to have a "new" friend for a few weeks.
from chakra-nadi :
when ppl bring up the what do you do question, you should tell them you're a writer, because you are. But yeah...not having to meet new ppl ever again would take care of the uncomfortable reveal that we are card carrying crazy folks.
from jimbostaxi :
With my size decreasing faster than you can say ”Big Mac and fries please” I soon will not be worthy of the name Jimbo anymore. Maybe my skinny eyes and reduced dimensions will soon help me qualify for the moniker ”Slim Jim.” Thanks for the note.
from musikoid :
I kinda feel like if I really felt comfortable writing, I would put myself out there ten times as much. I'm constantly suppressing a need to journal personal stuff that some people might take the wrong way. It really doesn't work for me here and I'm tired of fighting it.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry what they make you do to get them, but I am glad you got your meds. You don't have to apologize to anyone for taking time off, from dland, from yourself. You're a professional crazy person (like me), it's your duty. :)
from musikoid :
Meant to add (because I got all four notes at once), I didn't take Paxil for very long. I took Klonopin for almost nine years straight and it wiped out my sex drive. Oddly as soon as I stopped I was like a pubescent teenager all over a sudden. + Sleep is very important to all of us, but throughout my life people have commented that I'm a person who is particularly affected by the lack of it. Often I feel as though an extra hour of sleep makes me twice as intelligent as I was before. (That's phrased positively, of course).
from musikoid :
I probably already mentioned this, but I have allergies listed to all atypical antipsychotics. Seroquel made me non-functional from morning till noon the next day, even at a low dose. All of them produce "rebound psychosis" which isn't a whole lot of fun, especially if one doesn't think one is very psychotic to begin with. Paxil wasn't so bad, minor stomach problems in the morning. But I take Benadryl (Unisom) for sleep as needed. Sunny Z was her name, and IDK. Me personally, I'm still basking in the relief of not living in a culture that thinks psych pills are THE solution. There was too much of that down in Cali, in my world, anyway.
from musikoid :
Just saw your other note. I do type fast and all over the place. I think it's been happening more with age, because my eye-to-hand coordination is not what it once was, and I make more keyboard mistakes in general.
from musikoid :
Just skimmed your entry. Did not know you were taking psych meds, I thought you were opposed to such. Weird about Sunny. My psychiatrist for many years at Kaiser was named Sunny. Wonder if she moved to Michigan?
from musikoid :
I don't seem to ever locate that key though. When I look for it, I never find it. It's a phantom. But yeah meditation is great, and that red chair has positive associations. I'll start meditating daily, tonight.
from chakra-nadi :
hope you are ok after your hoop jumping and the meds. Did they get you your meds? I hope so. Sorry you've had such stress. I made it back to IA. I can email you my new address. I hope I can be around more now. I am sorry your belated bday package got even more belated. It got packed by the movers so it will have to wait awhile still. Hope it won't end up being a holiday package instead.
from musikoid :
Yeah I relate. I do find that things like running help. It's hard not to be relaxed when you're physically exhausted or fatigued. But to "relax on demand" doesn't seem to work at all. Meditation helps somewhat more than running (I find) though it has to be kept up regularly (in my experience). A one-time sit won't do much. Sitting daily for three weeks or so, and one starts noticing good things.
from musikoid :
Oh I see, I wrote Maggy instead of Mazzy.
from musikoid :
About the Kids and their ages, they're a little more sensitive than they need to be. This works both ways. We just recruited a 19 year old for the leading male role, and they're like "he's only 19" -- meaning the part being portrayed is that of a 23 year old. From my perspective (and especially at my age) there is very little difference whether we contract someone who's 23 or someone who's 19. Not to mention Z will be 18 playing a 30+ female antagonist, leaving K.S. the only person who is the same age as her character. Yeah, Mazzy Star - what did I say? They're still hitting me with one Mazzy Star tune after another, right now it's Fade into You the 'official video.'
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. I am pretty depleted and could use it.
from musikoid :
I think I've processed most of it.
from musikoid :
Right. It parallels the story about the boss "hiding the coffee from you" -- or a musician friend of mine who always thought one of the other members of his band was purposely leaving his wa-wa pedal in a place where he would always trip over it. Sometimes if there's just one missing piece in the logic, it will throw off the whole chain of "reasoning" - until what one believes is truly unlikely or unnreasonable -- and yet one still believes it.
from musikoid :
Very similar dynamic. When I explode, I literally start taking backward steps away from people. It's a bizarre combination of rage & flight. I think I misspoke about the shaking. I didn't mean that people won't notice if they're right there. People have noticed and commented, or asked: "Why are you shaking?" It's when I allude to it to someone who is not present (e.g., over the phone or in an email), in an effort to elicit understanding or compassion, that the concept is either misunderstood or not believed.
from musikoid :
Yeah I know. A lot of companies are like that, and always have been. Even more so nowadays because the economic crunch is being felt at both ends. I had to cackle like a madman and respond with biting sarcasm to the hard-selling Wall Street Journal employee in order to get him to stop the hard sell and cut to the quick before I got the feeling he would actually let me cancel my subscription. It worked but only be conveying to the guy that he may have been in the presence of a dangerous madman. The cable internet company comes next.
from musikoid :
Oh, that one, thanks. That was just a feeling I had. When I talked to Tracy, she said it was just between me and the other person, and she didn't want to have a three-way meeting. I sent a detailed apology / explanation with a slight criticism to the woman who had ruffled my feathers the other night. I had to wait till I was no longer angry, and until I had seen my part in it. I've not heard back from her yet. Tracy did publish my column this morning as scheduled, so all is good with the gig. Thanks again.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'm not sure what meeting you're referring to, though (I went back thru my last three entries).
from jimbostaxi :
I think I'm going try hot sauce and ranch on a lean cuisine because now you have me curious. :)
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I am making it a goal to be out of here before October. My brother fixed the plumbing in the IA house, so I will probably just end up there because it's the easiest, most cost effective. Hope that's a good choice.
from chakra-nadi :
well they were doing only phone therapy after the virus, but since I've moved, I haven't bothered. I have to switch to medicare in October, and I don't know what their requirements are. Honestly right now therapy just feels like one more thing I can't deal with.
from musikoid :
I have a feeling Tracy might call some kind of three-way meet to smooth things over, since we're all supposed to get along. I told the lady from G.Q. I needed three days. I'm starting to rehearse what I might say, but anyway we'll see how it goes. I'll unblock her after the three days, since blocking/deleting is against my life philosophy unless the person is a dangerous criminal.
from musikoid :
Yes.
from chakra-nadi :
I am glad your therapist could help you feel less anxious. I hope it goes well. It sounds pretty messed up. Reminds me of psych tests my dad used to talk about for the air force. I miss my therapist a lot. He wasn't perfect, but it was nice to feel like someone was there to hear my issues when I needed it without me feeling like I was unloading inappropriately.I had such a hard time finding someone I felt listened, I worry I won't again.
from musikoid :
wasn't trying to suggest that either of us is a conspiracist. But it is healthy, I find, to turn my attention away from such matters. When they are indulged too far, my paranoia is exacerbated. (That hasn't happened yet, right now, but it could.) I've got an email to send you though, on a different subject. Oh, and conspiracy theory is on my mind only because I just wrote a column about it.
from musikoid :
The attention to detail, and the unusually good memory. Those are factors. This reminds of an article I read recently, a psychological profile of the conspiracy theorist. Something about connecting the dots, how out of all the many dots, some of them are bound to connect - by law of averages -- and then the conspiracy develops. I read three of them when I was preparing for my next column on the Faith & Values site - I think it was this one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/202004/true-false-believers-the-psychology-conspiracy-theories
from jimbostaxi :
Ugh, I missed your bday. Happy belated bday!!! Ok, now I'm all for frozen pizza and chocolate pound cake but the real question is what brand of pizza???? Thanks for the note.
from musikoid :
Your experience is similar (if not identical) to mine. One senses that something is not being said, but one doesn't know what it is. I also don't know how much of it is my own paranoia. Seems to happen more the longer I stay on, and also happens more often late at night.
from musikoid :
It's pretty creepy but also offset by the fact that you and I are not important enough for them to want to bother pulling up our "dociers." Sometimes though in my paranoia I actually begin to think I *am* more important than I think. I wouldn't be surprised if Facebook has a way of enhancing that feeling by algorithm, as well. Freaky shit.
from chakra-nadi :
flaming hoops. flaming hoops. I'm sorry. Making ppl go through all this to justify their own funding. I hope things will change for the better in the near future. It can't go on like this for much longer. Please take care.
from jimbostaxi :
Got it. It made me tear up in the end,,, thank you! :) When my mind is not mush I will send you something back more proper.
from chakra-nadi :
I really hope it goes better for you over the phone. I am assuming this is state assistance? Either way, good luck and try to center yourself.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks for seeing the humor in me sending the flowers. I thought it was harmless, but it obviously pushed his buttons. I am just going to let it sit for awhile because I don't have the energy to be his therapist right now. I think he takes the cake for craziest person I know, so good for him.
from musikoid :
Yeah but I don't like French Roast. Best coffee, to my taste, that I've ever had is Kirkland Columbian. Does Seattle's Best have a Columbian brew? I've not seen it. I do like the Porthouse Blend, or Portside, whichever it is, I do like that.
from jimbostaxi :
No worries my anxiety holds me hostage all the time. :)
from chakra-nadi :
Also, thanks for still being my friend, even though lately I've been AWOL somewhat. I am trying to get a small belated bday package out for you soon. I am sorry you have do to the annual mental health review soon. I hope doing it over the phone will make it easier somehow. As if you didn't have enough to deal with, huh? I'll try to send some good energies so you can get through that with the minimum amount of pain. Take care.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, he's not an easy one to figure out and I think he does that as a defense mechanism, but I don't have the energy to fix that for him. I agree that I need to let him just do his craziness without so much energy from me. Thanks for saying I did nothing wrong. I thought it was kind of funny, considering the conversations we just had. I also told him sitting outside smoking next to the sunflowers I planted here is helping to keep me sane and I wanted to share that, but it didn't work out so great.
from jimbostaxi :
Just dropped to say hi and hope you're well.
from musikoid :
Answering your notes in reverse order (spoken like a true dyslexic.) Most women I know are more offended by the c-word than any other expletive. It's a lousy word to direct toward a woman, and unfortunately my daughter is one of the women to whom recently it has been directed. She did finally block the abusive cad, and I'm proud of her. As usual, it took having to get completely financially disconnected from him. And I blocked him too after a stern admonition. I'll pray for the sorry young lad from here.
from musikoid :
I might be a little uppity for a Poor Boy, but if I can't afford to start my day off on the right foot, woe is me. Um, is #4 MORE powerful than #3?
from musikoid :
I think it *is* the most offensive word. It's even hard to see it with the * used to disguise it. (Unlike, for example, s*it, which believe it or not, some people still do.) I'm not a good reader in certain ways, so I missed that you were talking about the administrative people. Some therapists do care, I think my last one did. Psychiatrists, less so, and admin people, zilch. A lot of them are on power trips, the whole realm is just ugly and distasteful.
from musikoid :
In general, they don't care. They feel a surge of success when you're doing well, because it validates their work for them. Most of them after five change hats completely. Will they be tripping on their many many clients? No, they just have a stiff cocktail and change the station. I told my daughter recently that the doc who dishes out the eight crazy meds probably wouldn't let her stay a single night at her house if she were homeless. But a peer counselor at the Center here just might. I'll keep reading, I stopped midway thru.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. I really wonder why there has to be mental illness. I know our society is awful, but I don't know why it has to be awful, either. I am worried about everyone I know, including myself.
from musikoid :
Right - WHOEVER they are. That's the part that gets me into the most trouble.
from musikoid :
What I do is I try to prove myself. I don't forgive myself and I don't let go. I just keep trying to prove myself, as though everything depends on their approval - whoever they are. I am trying not to be like that so much, but lifelong attitudes toward one's self don't exactly vanish overnight.
from musikoid :
I wasn't sure if you were still taking the non-medicated route. I'd like to think there's a med that can help me, but none of them ever have. They might help for a while but not in the long run. Everybody's different. I do think the doc was wise not to just "dish them out." I believe he was honest in his assessment of my condition, even to the point of admitting that he can't make an accurate diagnosis having only seen me twice. I was impressed with the way he handled the physical health issue as well. So maybe I've finally found a doctor I can hang with. I think I'll just take it slow.
from musikoid :
"mother" was supposed to be "bother me" lol.
from musikoid :
Really appreciated your note. I'm well familiar with the "slap dash" diagnosis. They never told me I was bipolar till I was 51 years old. How likely is that? If the symptoms went away when that particular medication went away (wbich they did) how do I know I'm bipolar? The whole thing really does mother. Two clinicians down in Berkeley said: "Bullshit you're ADD, man." They didn't even put the "H" in there. But every ADD drug fucks up my sleep states and I get into sleep paralysis - unless they decide to go easy on me and give the stuff that works and not the stuff I'm not supposed to take because of crap on my record 1000 years ago. Not to mention, every Bipolar med I've ever taken has pretty much completely fucked up my unusually good PHYSICAL health. And why should I risk THAT? Most people my age have way more physical problems than I do. So why should I get them from a psyxh drug that doesn't even help my mind? The overall spirit of the mental health industry in California is much more inclined to cram pills down someone's throat just to get rid of them and get onto the next patience in that damn rat race they have going on down there. The average doctor in Idaho at least listens and believes what I say. I agree with you completely. I'd be far more blessed if he delays such a diagnosis till a less tainted time. Thanks for your prayers.
from musikoid :
That was extremely well-worded. Sure, let's indulge this theme by email. I'll await yours first.
from chakra-nadi :
my friend sometimes makes no sense and sometimes he says things just to be funny, but I am pretty sure he wasn't joking. And I tried to just let it go into the past, but it's disturbing. And I have no idea why he told me. I don't understand on any level. I felt like it was some sort of test or something. I am so worried about everyone around me. They are really psychotic and I know I should probably separate myself from all of them. That I can't save anyone. But the sad part is, no one else wants anything to do with me. He also just had ALL of his teeth pulled out so I am wondering if the meds they put him on just made him sick or something. He's on a liquid diet right now so I don't know but still...I love him but that was really just horrific and I shouldn't talk about it "out loud" but since I have like 3 readers, it's probably OK. I just needed to get it out there. It's hard to believe this is reality sometimes.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry this summer is worse than ever. I think this summer is the worst yet for almost everyone for so many reasons. I really feel where you're coming from. Not wanting to get forced out before you are ready but not really being able to handle where you are. That is awful about the mufflers.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry you're not feeling well. Just read your entries, and fwiw, i am feeling very similar to you it seems, but for different reasons. not good i hope there's a cold snap or something and your neighborhood will relax a little.
from musikoid :
I think I failed to express that clearly. I'm trying to say that, if there's a "feeling" it means something, the ONLY reason the feeling comes about is because of the observable data. Otherwise there's no specific emotion attached to the experience. To say there's a "sense" it means something would be more accurate.
from musikoid :
Well yeah. And one wonders how much randomness there is. When I decided I had to go back to my inner records and calculate the exact day when I first slept outdoors for lack of an alternative, what are the chances it would have turned out to be the exact same day of the same month as the present day? Well the chances are 1/365. The odds are 364 to 1 against it. I tend not to think of it as coincidental because of the data telling me "it's too much to be a coincidence." On the other hand, things that only have a 1/365 chance of happening DO happen. So maybe it's just random.
from musikoid :
Funny too because i don't really have a feeling that it means something in this case. It's just that the data lines up saying "too coincidental." But there's no feeling that it's anything other than random.
from musikoid :
Right. And in fact, it's a little weird that I would assume that it's because somebody other than myself is supposed to see it and extract meaning from it.
from chakra-nadi :
I am glad you didn't spend your bday cleaning as well! I hope you are doing ok.
from musikoid :
Yes, it is. :)
from chakra-nadi :
Honestly, the date just snuck up on me. Each day seems exactly the same and I don't feel like I have much point of reference lately. I would like to send you something, I just have been really distracted. I'm glad you had a nice mellow day at least.
from musikoid :
Yeah - and she understood too. We talked today, and I think she remembers what the drawbacks are.
from chakra-nadi :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Sorry it's just a dland note, i hope you can understand that I can't do much more right now, but I do hope you have a nice day. I hope things will get better for you (and everyone) and something wonderfully happy will happen.
from chakra-nadi :
thank you. I miss normal life.
from musikoid :
I know, it's scary. Makes me want to stay indoors all the more.
from papotheclown :
I am sincerely grateful to know you. Even though all I "know" of you is on here. I'm both glad and sad that we understand each other so well.
from thelongreign :
so....other than dland notes...tell me where we can chat?
from thelongreign :
You were just here DAYS ago??!! I haven't been on in months and months...but you were just here.
from thelongreign :
I am alive....and "around"...although not frequently. I am here today because I'm desperately missing this outlet and this community... I hope you see this. Thelongreign@gmail.com I was quite literally just thinking about you a few days ago.
from musikoid :
Yeah, negative negativity. It's very useful. Rinpoche wrote a book called THE MYTH OF FREEDOM which I highly recommend, and it was there that the concept was introduced.
from musikoid :
I just got all three of your notes. I think the notification is a little lazy. It only sometimes lets one know of updates, especially if one updates frequently. In retrospect, I also think the message to her boyfriend was all right. As I suspected, I haven't heard from either of them since the sending of it. And that's all right with me, like I said, let it sink in.
from musikoid :
That's interesting, your identification with that aspect of the creative process. You are right that it doesn't necessarily apply just to composing, but to just about any form of writing or Art.
from i-am-jack :
*
from musikoid :
Well, thanks Jack. I kinda thought later that maybe I was overly trying to control the situation. She can always call and me not pick up. But maybe letting her know it's a bit much was a good thing.
from catsoul :
7.23.2020. Hi. Thank you for the mattress ideas. I really appreciate your input. I currently have a soft pillow plush top mattress. It is oh, I guess 10 years old, so it needs to be replaced. In those 10 years getting older and dealing with back issues due to a bulging disk, I feel the need for a firmer mattress that helps side and stomach sleeper. I am still researching, I have to stop that now, and just go lay down on a lot of mattresses. My cost cap I have decided is 800.00 which will include delivery of mattress and taking the old one away. The issue now in America, I have read on line that the stores aren't taking the old mattress away. I know I should have gotten a new mattress over a year ago, I am just so, so slow making a decision. The last thing I ever do is buying something for myself. So this is where I am at on this. Be safe. Take Care. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
I think kids prefer to use tech now instead of playing outside, but I'm sure the weather is part of why you don't see as many kids out as you used to. I feel our generation is one of the last that got to have a real childhood, which is sad, because it wasn't even that great.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, i was outside in the yard from sunup to sundown when i was a kid. That's how I remember it, anyway. Sucks to be living through the apocalypse. It's too hot everywhere now.
from chakra-nadi :
It's been literally over 100 degrees here for over a week. It's in the 80s today and it feels amazing. We don't have AC yet, and I've felt like I've been cooking alive. It's hell here. Just hell. Hope you can try to relax and stay cool.
from jimbostaxi :
Feels good to be back! :)
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, I'm back to lurking in the shadows lol. Thanks again for the kind words in your notes snd email.
from chakra-nadi :
i haven't been able to deal for so long, but I have to keep going. I walked out of one nightmare into an even worse one. I ordered a ton of Xanax on the black market, if it gets here, maybe I can just dope myself and everything will seem OK
from papotheclown :
A big and recent part of my recovery from spiritual abuse is that ability to, like your sister and you, separate the language of spirituality from the abusers. They don't get to define who or what Jesus is to me. They don't keep these stories all to themselves. If they use these myths for their agenda, I can certainly use them for mine. Love you. Glad you escaped.
from chakra-nadi :
i might just have to leave. I am starting to pack up my stuff. I am exhausted. I just did this. Twice. And I don't know if I can keep up this marriage with someone with so many problems that refuses to get help at all. He spent about $18000 of the money I got from my folks on dope and he just got out $300 today from an ATM. I am going to be broke in no time. all of it is intolerable. I'd be in a clinic, but they won't have me so I'm just fucked.
from chakra-nadi :
no not better. worse in every way. helicopters. tear gas every night. riots. ppl looting, knocking over statues. cops blocking the streets. i am going to die here.
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you an email
from jimbostaxi :
Jack, I wish that I was a skilled wordsmith so that I could adequately evoke the the imagery I desire. The best I can ever do is put my emotions to the page and hope someone gets it. Thanks for getting it :)
from musikoid :
I'll write about the dark space. I'm beginning to see some light. About the therapy, I brought it up at the Center today in the context of me finding a therapist, and the counselors weren't aware of State rules against, but both of them agreed it's not a good idea, especially when there are other therapists around who won't be so closely related to my life outside of the therapy. They gave me leads on other therapists, who accept Medicare and Medicaid.
from musikoid :
I got your two notes now, thanks. I'm actually not sure about whether that poses a conflict of interests. I talked to somebody today who said they didn't think it did. Maybe it varies from place to place. But it still seems an odd choice, because of the closeness of the connection somehow.
from musikoid :
If you're inclined to re-post an edited version, I can take care of the rest.
from musikoid :
That's true. She might have had to decline if I'd even asked her. (Btw I might have to take the unusual name out of your note -- just my stuff.)
from babyhead :
Only meant that you hadn't posted for a while, and wanted to know if you were alright, and I was thinking of you.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty, I feel very conflicted when I write now. I don't even know what I should be feeling anymore.
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you two emails
from musikoid :
I appreciate it.
from musikoid :
Thanks but it's not so much a feeling thing, Jack, as a rational choice. I want to write freely about my particular personal concerns, and it's not logical to write openly about them to anyone other than myself. DiaryLand stretches the concept of a diary in such a way that, when I do write, I'm so aware that others are reading, it limits the extent to which the writing in a diary is a personal -- and sacred, if you will -- act.
from musikoid :
Yeah I get that.
from musikoid :
Notes are back on if you noticed they were off. I didn't want anyone to respond to my passing despair. I just read Jimbo's entries about Soccora. That's a guy that's got real hardship & sorrow to deal with. My moods are ephemeral, they always pass.
from musikoid :
That's true about DiaryLand. That last sentence is something I often neglect to consider.
from babyhead :
That was come on down from that tree.
from babyhead :
That was come on down from that tree.
from babyhead :
Oh, man, your the best. I always loved that little scratched out scene from my previous life. I can't write like that anymore and sometime I read through those passages and wonder who wrote that. Glad to hear from you. I was just about to write you a note, asking you to come in different out of that tree. I hope you are well.
from jimbostaxi :
It's getting tough to pull these days of no sleep. The old body doesn’t bounce back as quickly anymore. The reason she was sick was heart-related this time not much I can do except be supportive. The doc adjusted her meds and we will follow up in two weeks. I like your idea of the urn and coffee and for those not wanting to add a pinch maybe give the option of a smoke. This way people can take that one last ”trip” with you. Thanks as always for the notes.
from jimbostaxi :
I’m so wiped out right now just after I posted that entry went home and Soccara became sick and had to run her to doctor. I’m running on about and hours sleep and will be working till tomm morn. I’m glad you can relate to my entry :) I definitely don’t want to end it in a hospital. However it ends I want someone to be able to say, “how the fuck did he die like that?”😂
from catsoul :
6.12.2020. Thank you. I don't know where you are, if you live near me, you are welcome to come with me into the Woods. Peace. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Eternally.
from musikoid :
Amen & Amen.
from musikoid :
People who have been there (re mania) can relate.
from musikoid :
Somehow, yes.
from musikoid :
I think it's a good picture, yes. There's a sincere joy there in the expression. Trimmed my beard though this morning, as I was beginning to look mountainous. Pictures reveal a lot.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I think I'm fat though. I haven't been exercising much for nearly a week now.
from jimbostaxi :
Me and my little sister pretty much raised ourselves. We were latchkey kids and, every day was a test of survival. I'm sure there are plenty of people who had well-adjusted home lives, but we weren't one of them. As far as I'm concerned, the more unrelatable it may appear to you, the more relatable it becomes to me.
from chakra-nadi :
i don't know why they were raiding houses. I wish ppl would stop gathering and marching. It's not helping. If no one showed up, maybe the cops would go home. Ppl need to regroup and do this right. I have nowhere to go, and this is happening all over the country. I am praying ppl just get some sense and stop playing a game they can't win right now.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. yeah it is a a war zone. he went out for smokes and stopped to eat some pizza, and on his way back curfew hit. the cops blocked all the streets and alleys so no one could get home and rounded everyone up and arrested them. he got arrested, but he's home now. Has some injuries, but could be worse. The cops shot rubber bullets at him and the crowd and shot out ppls car windows. They were kicking in doors of houses and pulling people out. It's marshal law here. The cops have gone insane. It's terrifying. And I was at the cop shop literally all day yesterday. This is madness. And I feel like my timing on everything is for shit.
from jimbostaxi :
”If I can't go outside, go inside,” really resonates with me. All I ever did growing up was internalize every problem because there wasn't any other option. I really wish things would have been handled differently because I would be a better-adjusted person now.
from chakra-nadi :
there have 2 ER visits since we got here, and my husband STILL isn't in the hospital. I can't get into any programs...this is how people end up homeless and/ or dead. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay here and try to take care of a person that refuses help, and that they system totally failed. They failed me too, but thankfully I am a little more high functioning than my husband. It's not a good place to be in at all.
from chakra-nadi :
it is a game. People should be angry, but their aggression is not focused. Raiding and burning local businesses...I don't know. And the cops using tear gas on people who were being peaceful, it just makes everything worse. I saw footage of Minneapolis and I just broke down. All these places we used to go are just gone now. It doesn't surprise me, living in MN, you could feel how close that place was to this. I honestly don't think taking to the streets with this show is going to change anything, except make things worse.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, it kind of shocked me when the test came back positive. As of today, she has two days clear of pain. I just kind of play it by ear and be there when she needs me. I'm crossing my fingers that she stays healthy because I don't want her back in the hospital. Thank you for the note! Stay safe.
from chakra-nadi :
Pat made it home OK, but he got some tear gas and ended up walking 20+ blocks in the wrong direction and had to ask a 7-11 clerk how to get home. He looked like he had black eyes today. And honestly, he just went for a stroll and was in the wrong place, wrong time. The pizza place we go and the liquor store next to it got gassed too. And that didn't end up on the news. It's happening again tonight, and I just wonder why. This feels like a farce. It's a game. It's not going to make real change happen. It's war. And it's really messed up.
from chakra-nadi :
"middle aged". yeah, I used that phrase today. Its weird. I remember once my dad said to me as a teenager, that one day you wake up and you are still you but your body is 40+ years old. He was right. It's both comforting and terrifying.
from musikoid :
Your second and third notes are reminding me that I've got to write that article. I think I'll do that today and turn it in. It does seem that if I lag much longer, the issue will no longer be topical. In fact, it may already have been consumed in issues having to do with systemic racism, an inference earlier this morning that the White House might be advocating the shooting of civilians on the streets, and other insanity.
from musikoid :
That's interesting about your brother being six years younger and yet still you being the one to be concerned about. This was similar in my family in that I was always the one "to be concerned about" no matter what the age differences were among siblings. Both my older sisters and my younger brother figured me for the one that had to be worried about. That dynamic has actually set a bad precedent for me in my life, as I have become unusually leery or tired of people who worry about me or show too much concern for my welfare. A lot of the times the worry is either unfounded or misdirected, because they don't really understand me. I'm sure that goes back to my upbringing, somehow.
from chakra-nadi :
hope you recover from the heat. I had chills and all that a few days ago. Definitely over did it moving during the heat of the day. I am sensitive to both sun and heat. I burn fast and i get heat rash too. My heritage is mostly scots-irish, but they don't see the intense sun kind of like eastern europe. I am willing to put up with the CO heat for a few years, but I still want to go live in the woods up north somewhere in my old age (which isn't far off). :)
from chakra-nadi :
hope you are doing a little better. sorry my correspondence has been erratic. Yeah, I am not happy about this climate. At least it's less humid and although I am sensitive to the sun, it's nice it's not grey every single day like it was back in MN. I feel like I am getting Vitamin D naturally for a change. I am recovering from the heat, but I will definitely learn to be more careful. I think getting up early, taking a siesta in the afternoon, and being up at night might be a good option for me, now that I am on disability. Try to take care.
from musikoid :
That's interesting. Is that your brother who was in Oakland last I knew? What's the age difference there? The dynamic with your sister is much like that of me and my best female friend whom I often mention in my diary. She looks up to me, but also has the urge to take care of me. She's been fighting that off more and more lately, though - now that she has two kids and is about to have a third.
from jimbostaxi :
Childhood is all one big blur now. Constantly moving and being uprooted from what little normalcy we could find. I wish that we could have had some stability so I could have pursued music or writing but no such luck. Hey. no sense crying over spilled milk right? Thanks for all the notes and stay safe!
from jimbostaxi :
Those shows allowed me to escape depressing circumstances for a few moments that's why I cherish them so much. Then when I got older movies became my method of escape. I know that I have blabbed way too much about this subject but it's so much easier than talking about death, drugs, violence, and poverty which are the cinderblocks of my life. Lol
from chakra-nadi :
I am not in a good place either. We are halfway done moving our stuff into the new apartment. I am taking a much needed break. I got heat stroke already a few days ago. It's a lot cooler back in MN. I hope life gets better for everyone. Pandemic aside, things were pretty awful before that.
from musikoid :
That's right, I forgot that I had your password. I wonder what the age difference is between you & your sister.
from jimbostaxi :
Damn, I just had to google that. We sure have come a long way lol
from jimbostaxi :
Did you know that those cartoons are 50 years old! Holy cow, I feel very old! Thanks for the note about the family. Honestly, I feel a little better when I talk about the virus but, If you knew me in the streets, you would see I'm a man of few words so it's strange being able to talk about stuff here. :)
from babyhead :
Adding atmosphere. Very nice!
from musikoid :
It's all good, Jack. I knew you were still present. By the way, I just read your 5/15 entry and WOW. I'm going to link my readers to it -- since it's public I doubt you will mind -- just in case they haven't caught it. The story was often told about this fellow Clint who had an MFA in Acting, brilliant handsome TA where I went to school, very much in demand. He then went to the Berkeley Psychic Institute and apparently traversed some mental realms that did him in quite a bit. When he came back, he had all the semblance of full-fledged schizophrenia, free associating, and talking with people who did not seem to the rest of us to be there. I believe those portals are real, and we've discussed picking up "static" before. Sometimes, all other things being equal, the simplest explanation is always the best. Occam's Razor - and yet, a large part of the scientific / medical community will not accept the paranormal.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, I grew up watching Frosty! That brings back good memories from childhood. The hijacking of the name ”Karen” is a damn shame because I knew a few sweet ones in school. Always feel free to send an email that's easier to respond to than putting it out in the open for people to see me lose my mind.
from chakra-nadi :
i sent you an email but it is really just me freaking out, so I am sorry. I hope you will be OK. Hopefully you will be able to go to a park or somewhere soon.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, yeah I was caught off guard by the whole ”who are you?” on Facebook. After I calmed down I just responded to her like she was a Karen meme. I thought that was pretty funny and it even works if you have never heard of Karen memes. The Soccara post was something I felt needed to be done. I mean I posted all the sad stuff it's only fair I continued when she improved. The notes were off for a while because so many people were dying and I wasn't sure I could answer notes with that on my mind. It's always good to hear from you and I'm following along with your posts as well.
from musikoid :
Well, she said something like it was only 2.2 miles from the spot where she lives, but the place where she lives is 3 miles from me in an opposite direction. It just seemed unthinking. And like you said, the whole thing is weird. It's as though she's too eager to get a client.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks for caring. it means a lot. i am beyond stressed out. just letting off steam, but I would be lying if I said I haven't seriously considered just ending it. i hope you are making it through these tough times too.
from musikoid :
I try not to give unsolicited advice, but am glad you took it well in this case. I'm in a manic phase myself, which in my case means I may not be reading very well, or listening accurately. I'm too much "in my head" --- fragmentation, I guess they call it. + Didn't know you studied animal science. I would find that fascinating. I don't much about the reptilian brain, but I do know that there's "flight or fight" all over my conversations with others. Seems to happen less so, on the Internet, which is one reason I enjoy online friendships.
from papotheclown :
It sounds like we have pretty similar fathers. My kitchen issues all stem from that. I am sorry you had to endure that too. Solidarity, friend.
from musikoid :
Someone told me once (and it stuck with me) that we manipulate by nature throughout our human conversations, and that it's not necessarily even a bad thing. I think if we really stopped to scrutinize all of our motives for saying just what we do when we do, we would find all kinds of hidden hopes, dreams, desires, disdains -- a whole gamut of concealed, covert intentions and motivations. The combination of mania and a mental place of being down on oneself, and maybe more self-conscious than usual, can trigger all kinds of dark thinking in that direction. I think it's best to try and inhale a bit and let go, lest it all further feed on itself.
from musikoid :
Yes, I get that about the paranoia. About your note, I read it again. What's not getting thru to me is exactly what you did, or you think you did, that would cause someone to distrust you or think you are bad. We were talking about "deflection," and it's not clear from the context that this is what you're doing exactly. At least, it's not the kind of avoidance or deflection I was trying to describe, wherein blame is actually being placed on the other person in the communication. For example, the person I was talking about with reference to me doesn't fit your description of her or her probable motives, because it overlooks the fact (and maybe I didn't make this clear) that what she is doing is BLAMING me (for causing some kind of problem between us) when in reality all she is doing is not wanting to look at her own part in the problem. It's almost impossible to hold a conversation with people who are doing that. Whatever it is that you're doing, I don't think it's that. You may be avoiding some certain revelation of your personality to the other, but you are not "blaming" the other for your shortcoming. Are you? I don't get that you would be.
from musikoid :
For further info, I've not replied to the email note yet ONLY because, after two fairly careful readings, my brain has not yet been able to grasp its complex contents. I will say that your familiar concern that I will think ill of you is unfounded as usual, but that the intensity with which you feel this is causing me to turn more careful attention to the email contents than usual. Give me a few days.
from chakra-nadi :
Yes, I hope you get the package too.
from chakra-nadi :
well with your neighbors, I guess you have to tell yourself "it could always be worse". Sorry that's the best you can do, but at least they don't steal from you. some people are just ignorant to how annoying they are.
from musikoid :
I got your note in the email, just haven't yet had a chance to read it thoroughly and respond.
from musikoid :
I get that, down to the part of your being that good at it, that people don't even notice they're not getting to engage in a two way conversation with you. I've noticed this also in someone close to me recently, to where she did it so well I barely noticed it until I "played back" the conversations and realized that the focus was ALWAYS on me and never on her, or her issues, much at all. It made it "safe" for her, though kinda pointless for me (as well as anxiety-provoking, once I'd realized how fully I'd fallen for her game).
from musikoid :
I was just reading your two entries from the 21st. It seems that deflecting is a way of not directly confronting or addressing what's before us. I know at times with some people you can't hold a normal two way conversation, because they're so skillful at deflecting the subject away from whatever they don't personally want to look at. I think we all do it to an extent, though. I also think we're all looking for ways to cope or "get through" the Quarantine experience, and a lot of deflection must be going on as a defense.
from chakra-nadi :
Pat has so much facial hair that any mask doesn't work great on him. And I don't blame him for not wanting to shave every day. I remember you mentioned those urban masks before, but I never bought one.I will keep it in mind for Denver, though cuz I hear they have an air pollution issue, normally. I have the fabric ones I made when I was housekeeping, with the replaceable charcoal filters. That's what I've been using lately.
from chakra-nadi :
Well maybe this will just change things, including your neighborhood, eventually. At least your neighbors mean well, even if they are annoying. Ours are just evil. They stole things out of our yard while we were gone and burnt it, including the mushroom logs we plugged a few years ago. I was worried the whole time we were gone that they would break into our house. I think if we had been gone much longer, it would have happened.
from chakra-nadi :
I sent out that package. I'm sure the mail is slowing down where you are. If it doesn't make it, it's not the end of the world. Nothing irreplaceable. Hope it gets to you, though.
from papotheclown :
I so very much relate to your latest.
from chakra-nadi :
Also wanted to let you know I am sending a package out today, maybe tomorrow. I meant to send it for your bday, but I forgot. I hope it's OK if you get mail. We've just been quarantining our mail for a few days in the entryway before we bring it in, wearing gloves to open it, and disinfecting anything that we can. We aren't sick, but we are paranoid.
from chakra-nadi :
I am having similar issues with the neighbors here. They were burning garbage all day, all night. Pat went to stay in a hotel again because it's making him so sick. He is taking that risk to go out because he can't be here. Literally. He can't breathe. It's infuriating that even in the midst of this pandemic, people are out acting like it's just another white trash christmas. I am so beyond where I can cope, I honestly don't know how I am making it through day after day. Anyway, I hope you will be OK there. Maybe after all this clears up you will have an easier time finding another place to live. It's a dark thought, but there will probably be a lot of empty properties just sitting around after this.
from musikoid :
Reading your note again in its entirety, however, I must say I agree with your take on it in general. Being on the spectrum does increases this sense of "wanting or needing to have it just right, just exactly my way" in certain situations. This of course is not always realistic.
from musikoid :
You're probably right, in the larger sense. I wonder if an ultra-sensitivity to psychological "associations" might have stemmed from excessive drug use in the past, however.
from jimbostaxi :
If I ever can of assistance to you please let me know. Stay safe!
from jimbostaxi :
Hi Jack, I appreciate your notes expressing your concerns and worries. A lot of people are averse to responding to notes for whatever reason. It’s good to know someone’s out there and I'm not living in a void. I spend a lot of time working by myself at night it's easy to get lost in my own mind. :)
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, I don't believe the numbers here either, but that's what the official report is saying. It seems unreal that they are locking the poor and the elderly away, but it's not a surprise. There is a lot of economic bias going on everywhere during this pandemic, making everything worse. I haven't been able to enjoy going to the parks much. Being around too many ppl made me anxious before all this, but now it just makes me outright paranoid. I understand you not going out, it's probably even worse where you are. This is all hard to take in. Best to make the best of the 'self-relfection' time I guess. If I wasn't so busy moving I would totally be trying to get a regular meditation routine going. Hopefully once we get settled I can do that.
from chakra-nadi :
they say there are only 177 cases of the virus here, but I think it's a lie. They put all the nursing homes and low income buildings on total lockdown. No one in, no one out. Including the media. It's terrifying. I think those buildings are full of dead people, and I don't really see how that is legal to lock people in, but there you go, that's Rochester for you. The parks here have been a lot busier than usual, and people are NOT practicing social distancing at all. It's making it hard to get out and enjoy a walk. So, I hope you can find a time where it's not so busy to get out for some air. This is all so weird, but I don't see it ending any time soon.
from chakra-nadi :
I am glad to hear you found that mask. I hope you won't have to go out much, though. I think they will open things back up before it's safe to do so. Money is more important than health. It's a scary time. We have only had 2 deaths here in my county from the virus, so most people are acting like this is just a stupid waste of time. It's unsettling. Definitely NOT something to mess with.
from jimbostaxi :
Part 2 Here is an add on to the situation. On top of Thelma thing, my cousin who I don't really speak to is messaging me pics of my mom who died of cancer. Great timing,,, I'm sorry for filling your notes page up,
from jimbostaxi :
Jack, yeah her situation is complexly fucked. They are talking about bringing the mom out to Stony brook hospital if she has to be admitted because of it being closer to my house than New Jersey. Ugh, I could fill your notes page up ten times over with how this fucks me up. The thing is this shouldn't be about me ,,,, this is Thelma’s time off loss and sorrow,,,, I worry so much about losing Soccara and how even though I may protect her there is a possibility she might get it and I will lose her.,,, I looked up Reye’s syndrome and saw it had it a viral component and is very serious. My heart goes out to anyone who would have to suffer through that. Thank you for the notes, stay safe.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks for getting back to me. I am sorry that it is so bad where you are. Glad to hear you have some protection. I hope things will get better soon. Stay safe.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey Jack, Things were so emotional I started losing it myself. The doctor just called and said her dad's condition is deteriorating. Her mom is infected but has not been hospitalized. Thanks for the note and stay safe.
from chakra-nadi :
hey, I heard that the county where you live is hit pretty hard with the virus. Could you drop me a short line to let me know you are OK?
from jimbostaxi :
Ugh, sorry your feeling under the weather. That left side thing is a bit puzzling but hopefully its nothing serious. I hate that crappy feeling where you just want to lay down. Once I feel like that I know nothing is getting done. I had a few weeks in late February that I was having sporadic fever with some breathing issues. It was like living in a perpetual daze, makes me wonder if I had it. Let's see how you feel when you get a change of scenery. :) stay in touch!
from jimbostaxi :
Hey Jack, dropped in to see how you’re holding up. Stay safe
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I am anxious but excited to try a new way of life in a new place. We got a realtor today for the MN house. It will be on the market on Friday. Even in the midst of all this, life goes on.
from chakra-nadi :
Yes, this is a very uncertain time. Very much forced to "be here now" and take each day as it comes. I hope all this 'self reflection time' will help people change their perspective permanently. I have seen so many people helping others in a way that I haven't seen in decades. I hope you are holding up OK.
from musikoid :
That particular piece of static is hilarious, if not symbolic. I had some static come in last night, but I didn't jot down the words. I think I might start doing though, and see if it all mounts up to something.
from musikoid :
Jack, to your first note, my daughter's behavior definitely correlates with the onset of the Quarantine. She'd already been frustrated that a back injury (caused by whiplash from being rear-ended) was disabling her from work. Plus, she was in physical back pain (though her car was still running.) The substance in question is known to be a phenomenal painkiller. I wouldn't doubt it if, in an effort to douse both physical and mental pain, she drove there to get a fix. Biggest worry is she's not come back. But what can I do from here?
from chakra-nadi :
our apt. is in Denver. Capitol Hill neighborhood. Not far from Cheesman park and of course the capitol building. You can look it up. It seems a lot different than my neighborhood in MN and also a lot different than the neighborhood of the airbnb. I know where Longmont is. Not too far from Boulder. We lived in Boulder 23 years ago (or so).
from chakra-nadi :
yes, it is very difficult to try moving forward in life right now. I get so angry. I FINALLY get it together and have the means to move on from here, and the world says nope.
from musikoid :
Part of it, Jack, was that I was beginning to fall asleep during meditation. Ordinarily, that "static" manifests only in bed when I'm starting to drift off to sleep. It's as though a portal is opening that introduces the dream world, and inserts its first impressions into the realm of wakeful reality.
from catsoul :
4.7.2020. I know that empty endless void. I have been friends with it for years and years. I never seem to know what the day or date is anymore. I have to ask Randy those questions. I have a mantra that I made up up for myself. I would like to share it with you. Maybe it can help or not, who is to say. Here it is: To be in control, is to let go of control. I must repeat it so many times some days, I never remember the number. Peace Man. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Oh! Don't worry about leaving long notes, for God's sake. I'm talking about my inability to read full chapters of complex intellectual books like the aforementioned. I'm probably about at that level. Anyway I'm trippin too hard over this-and-that right now, and after a disturbing encounter with a stranger on WordPress and my thinking I was leaving her a private note that manifested on a public venue, I think I'll sign off both sites for the day. Ran, showered, and am about to meditate. The Universe is telling me to slow down.
from musikoid :
Sounds like you're bipolar two. I'm bipolar one. They say it's only mild and that more critical diagnosis is severe ADHD / Dyslexia. The doctor I most respect around here says I'm high-functioning autistic, and on the autism spectrum we find bipolar affective disorder. He doesn't think my conditions are severe enough that I ought to be medicated. This most recent episode appears to have been triggered by COVID-19, my daughter's horrible situations, and my wonderful professional possibilities. It might be winding down. At least I'm starting to sleep more at night. + I think I was misdiagnosed in 2004 when I suddenly had a first-time manic episode at the age of 51 (which let's face it, is pretty unlikely). It was medication-induced, so if they did put Bipolar Four in the DSM-V (I haven't bothered to check) that would probably be accurate. Am reading an excellent book by a woman named Ashley Peterson on the DSM-V. I met her on WordPress and you can find the book on Amazon. + Do you hear intrusive internal voices? I'll try reading again when I get back from my bike ride.
from chakra-nadi :
Our new apt. is in a different neighborhood than the airbnb. A better neighborhood. But yeah, I hope we won't have these same problems once we do move. I really don't know what's wrong with people. I had to extend our stay here one more day because Pat can't breathe from all the fire smoke and he can't help me load up the car. It's freaking me out. I think people are freaking out having to be at home so much. Losing their minds. I hope you are doing OK in your neighborhood.
from chakra-nadi :
Usually once a crisis is over, people go back to how things were as if it never happened, but maybe this is a turning point. Maybe things will get better. Maybe most of us will die. It sucks trying to make plans for a future right now. There is no certainty at all it seems.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah people are trying to make the best of a horrible situation, but I feel like there is even less help out there for those of us who were already on the brink before all this started. I am pretty freaked out. I really hope things get better in a few weeks. I've never really approved of modern life, but this is just messed up and I find myself wishing things could go back to 'normal'.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. me too. this sucks, no matter what happy face people try to put on it. I seriously can not deal, yet have to.
from musikoid :
About the low self esteem, I am certain that it comes from the message I heard repeatedly from my dad when I was a little boy, which as you know was "you can't do anything right." I even say it to myself sometimes to this very day when I'm messing something up. I go: "Man, I can't do anything right!" My rational adult mind ought to know by now that there are some things that I do not only right, but unusually well. But the message the little boy heard, possibly too little to even remember in many cases, still influences the mind-set of the grown man 60+ years later. At least I've finally become aware that this is what happened. Awareness if the problem is always the first step toward the solution.
from musikoid :
I often think that living outdoors in some capacity other than to have to live on the urban city streets could actually be beneficial and healthy. I don't think we as a society spend nearly enough time outdoors, and so we fail to avail ourselves of all the benefits of being in the open air. Among these are negative ions, which actually boost the immune system, and may have something to do with why I never a flu (except for those two times I always mention) when I was homeless. The average life expectancy of a male homeless man in America is 47, but the median homeless guy in this country is a street person, likely a smoker, likely on drugs or alcohol, and such people don't take care of themselves even if they live indoors. I think that life expectancy would be considerably greater if we remove factors that are not part of the simple definition of "living outdoors." And anyway I made it to 67 already recently, so I'm 20 years above average lol.
from chakra-nadi :
The doctors didn't find anything wrong with me, aside from looking and seeing there was something wrong. All the tests were OK so far (STD testing comes back in 10 days, but I really don't think that is my issue). I think I am having a severe reaction to drier sheets/ laundry soap from this place I am staying. My chemical sensitivity is getting really bad in my old age. I am thankful I don't have to work, because I don't think I could handle interacting with the general population every day without having severe physical problems from all the detergents and beauty products wafting.
from chakra-nadi :
The Mayo clinic obviously knew what was going on long before they took any action, and from what I am reading, they still aren't doing what they could. I know I am a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but I really do wonder. More people died of the flu this winter than have died from this new virus, but they didn't take any steps to keep people safe.
from musikoid :
Jack, it was phenomenal. It was a spiritual experience. An amazing, unanticipated outpouring of love and hope. But with a few caviats -- it seems there are a couple bad guys on that thread. And as of now, the two are talking.
from musikoid :
Well yeah, it's almost like, unimaginable. If that person Kayla was satisfied enough to cancel a missing persons report, that says one thing. But nobody having heard from her, and her having gone to Isleton of all places, doesn't bode well.
from musikoid :
I never heard that (about Stevie Nix & "Dreams") but I can understand that completely.
from chakra-nadi :
It's good to hear from you. We went on vacay to CO on the 13th, and are held up at an AirBNB. We got an apartment in Denver, Pat actually just went to get the keys. We are going to head back to MN in about a week to pack up our stuff and put the house on the market. Pat and Shiloh are doing really well here. Me, not so much. I'm still having health issues and I'm nervous of all this change, plus being in lockdown. But, I guess I have to force myself to change, otherwise I would probably just revert and never do anything with my life. I hope you are doing as OK as can be. I will email my new address once we get closer to actually living there.
from musikoid :
Yeah, you might want to wait. I sorta preempted it. Anyway Dave and her are talking now and I'm sure they'll figure it out. I sent him the mp3 too, he said it sounded great. So I'm eager to hear what they'll do with it. Guess I get to "step out of the way" now.
from musikoid :
It's a distinction it might benefit us all to bear in mind. It's not original either, but I first heard it from the Math professor here, Rob, who also leads the Song Circle. It stuck with me that "social distancing" is a misnomer. It can in fact lead a more vulnerable or easily influenced person to presume that their social relationships are necessarily becoming more distant. In reality, the exact opposite could be the case, and so we don't want to blind any of us to that realm of possibility.
from musikoid :
There always seems to be somebody like that, whether in a receptionist or other position of pseudo-authority. And they tend not to have much empathy for those who have mental health conditions, which is a bitter irony.
from musikoid :
Yes, I have to confess I didn't catch everything in the series. It must feel good to have finished it. I can identify with the psychological sense of "all eyes on me" when I surmount obstacles seemingly designated to stand in the way of me and some desired but elusive goal. + I get a glimpse of your whereabouts now. I'm about to enter outside for the first time today, it being about eleven already. I'm telling myself my bike ride will be longer today, maybe closer to 15 or 20 miles. Sheltering in place in a psychological boomerang. I find myself wanting to "hide" until the whole thing is over (if & when)...
from musikoid :
Was just reading your entry about the obstacle course on the way to therapy. I'm gathering you must live in a larger city (I think). The dynamic here in a small college town is a bit different. Still everything appears to have changed, and in a short period of time, and in a way that is still ever-changing. It's freaky. + I could also relate to being triggered by a receptionist in one of those places. It especially happens if there's any insinuation I'm somehow no good, like a criminal or a flake.
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, Yep, she likes oatmeal soup too! She thinks my ways gross lol
from jimbostaxi :
She likes to make Bumble Bee chunk light in water with mayo. The part that freaked people out was when I said, ”she makes it like tuna soup!” hahaha I finally had to tell her after years of seeing that soup,” honey, tuna does not need that much mayo!” I have no brand favorite use minimal mayo and add celery, onions, tomatoes and pickle juice. ( depends on what we have) served on bread or a Ritz.
from jimbostaxi :
That text from her enabled me to liven up my boring entry with a cool title and a zinger in the end. I just sat there with my mouth open in disbelief when she said ”no thanks.” I did an entry once on how my wife likes her tuna and people started freaking out. Who knew they had equally strong opinions on their toilet paper. Lol
from musikoid :
Not sure it's confirmed, given the sources. But it's inevitable. We can all but do our best.
from jimbostaxi :
3/22/20 I have struggled over the years trying to find my style. My best stuff is when I'm just being me and that's usually a combination of sarcasm mixed with sadness. Thanks for reading and the notes. :)
from jimbostaxi :
3/13/20 if you only knew how much of your entry sounds like thoughts pulled from my head.
from musikoid :
Yes. Today I've practically forgot about the unsolicited lecture from the self-proclaimed dietary expert. But the "drive-by" is lingering. If she had at least understood what I had said, or given off the vibe that she even valued my words, it would have been one thing. She posited herself as a spiritual mentor, when in reality she's the one who was in the dark. That's always frustrating. Thanks for understanding.
from musikoid :
Yes it's great news, and I'm greatly relieved. Also, I got your email and also have read your most recent entry. I will comment and/or send you an email reply soon.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, I'm in :)
from musikoid :
That's kinda like, when I used to be spun out on Facebook, I'd get ads to the right and left of me telling me I should go to Duffy's Rehab. + I'm seriously considering vacating the pricey premises in favor of living in an automobile. Around here I could get a van for the cost of one retirement check. Park it somewhere and save up until I can get a mobile home. Being a renter can suck.
from jimbostaxi :
Hello, I'm Jim may I please have a password? Thanks
from musikoid :
There's a revised user/pass in your email.
from chakra-nadi :
I can't imagine a life not making art. I'm moving, that's why I am packing. I will be living in a much smaller place, so I am trying to just keep what really matters to me.
from musikoid :
Thanks Jack. I've found that when I have feelings that I otherwise don't know what to do with, it's a good time to write a poem.
from chakra-nadi :
I am not getting rid of my art or art supplies. I am getting rid of a lot of the nick-nacks and "stuff". I want to be able to focus on my art and writing, something I haven't been able to do for years.
from chakra-nadi :
I sent an email, because I didn't want you think I was mad or something. It's not much, but I don't have much time or energy. I am going on a vacation now too, before I totally lose it.
from musikoid :
I got your last two notes. Thanks for what you said about the Dangers of Liberation series. I usually go back and at least edit the entries for clarity, but for some reason I didn't want to do that with this one. It seemed the result of a distinct "flow" -- that, while interrupted by that fellow closing in from behind me at the Co-Op, nevertheless flowed up to that point. And the denouement was marked from there. About the recording, I don't mind doing it again, but it may lose its verve. The bloke has been annoying me, despite his financial contribution. Very nerdy personality, uncompromising. I'm withdrawing today, smelling the coffee.
from musikoid :
You're welcome, Jack, and I understand. I've been replying to your emails this morning. Hope you're having a nice day.
from musikoid :
Yeah that's about it. Thanks, Jack. Things have been up and down. I'll probably update in the near future. Thank you for being my friend.
from papotheclown :
Do you remember the name for what that's called? I would love to read up on that. I'll start digging around myself today to see if I can find it.
from musikoid :
Hey Jack, I appreciate your detailed note. Part of the problem is that my mental health issues often interfere with sound judgment. Sometimes when I am manic, I find myself headed almost uncontrollably toward the computer. The keyword there is "uncontrollably." If I can barely control racing toward the computer and spuriously posting here and there about this and that, you can probably imagine how little control I have over the actual content of the posts. That may sound like an excuse, but unfortunately it's a bitter reality. I do feel I'm getting a bit better, gradually, through counseling and recovery. But it's a long road. Thank you for your well wishes, and your thoughts.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack.
from papotheclown :
Yes, it's the not knowing what to do with freedom that causes me so much anxiety. I feel like a zoo animal released into the wild against its will.
from floodtide :
Haven't heard from you in a while. Are you okay?
from chakra-nadi :
I know, I have no idea why I got it so easily, without an interview or anything. I wonder if living in Rochester might have something to do with it, like they take the word of Mayo Clinic in higher regard than other places? I don't know. I was prepared for a long drawn out issue, from what you and pretty much everyone else I know had to go through to get on it. I am just thankful.
from chakra-nadi :
Thank you.I am totally in shock. I don't think I will really believe this until I get my mail, but I know they don't just award backpay unless it's a done deal. I am really thankful and I hope things will continue to change for the better. And I hope I won't regret hoping that.
from chakra-nadi :
Yeah, I agreed to get a new washer and we ordered a carpet steamer. He thinks we have fleas. I haven't seen anything, but right now I am willing to clean things, even if it's more than a little obsessive, because there's not that much harm in cleaning. But, if after all this, he is still acting this way, there's going to have to be a big change. I am really sick of smart people being so stupid. I am just past the point of being able to care for someone with so many problems, and not even getting the credit that I am, indeed, a caretaker.
from chakra-nadi :
I don't think I can convince him that I got rid of the bugs. I gave in and ordered a new washing machine because he thinks that all of our linen, clothes, etc is infested and the washing machine isn't working. I really think he's got "meth bugs". 5 doctors and myself can't see the bugs he swears are all over him, and all over the house. I am really close to having to leave him. It's really really bad. He's pretty fucked up.
from chakra-nadi :
People with such a severe mental illness that distorts reality should take better care of themselves by not doing so many drugs. People with schizophrenia self medicate a lot, I think. Meth is so insidious. I've never done it, but pretty much everyone I know here is on it. It must be a great feeling, because it ruins everything and people are more than willing to keep going back to it anyway. All I know is it turns mellow, kind hearted people into totally aggressive mean spirited skeletons that are walking around in their own version of reality and I fucking hate it.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry about your dad. I think a lot of guys from that generation are really bitter about their lives.
from chakra-nadi :
I feel bad for him too, and I try really hard to be understanding. I have hallucinations and distort reality when I get stressed, so I can try to be empathetic, but he needs to stop self medicating. It's making his inherent issues a million times worse, and he refuses to admit that.
from chakra-nadi :
That's pretty messed up that your dad laughed at you for saying that. He probably didn't want to live the way he did, either. I think a lot of people feel they have no choice, for some reason.
from musikoid :
It's okay, Jack. I'm just grieving.
from chakra-nadi :
I hated when people would tell me I would change my mind about things like wanting children. It always felt like they were trying to curse me to the same miserable existence as everyone else. There's nothing wrong with not living by the script.
from chakra-nadi :
They are doing very similar things here, in regards to buildings. I think they look like the metal shacks I've seen in places like Haiti. Just big boxes with corrugated metal on them. I think it's the trend in a lot of the country, sadly. They call it "progress".
from musikoid :
I read your two notes. Like I was saying the other day, I can very much relate to not wanting to be around people, not because I have anything against them in particular, but because I don't want them to have to be subjected to me in the frame of mind I'm in. I think that this is actually a GOOD time to withdraw and gain solitude, though it's not always possible to do so in society. I do find that, if I have to be social at such times, I listen more and have worked out ways to avert too much probing into how I might be doing (which does start with simple questions such as "how are you?"). It can be awkward, but most people don't really want the darker details of my being, nor are they equipped to grasp them. I do sense you're in a greater isolation than even is usual, as something in the tenor of your words suggests it, apart from your own admission. I hope things brighten soon.
from musikoid :
You're right, none of my notes are missing. For some reason, last night, it looked like the two I mentioned about that lady with the unusual first name were gone. But I guess that's impossible, and I'll chock it up to old age and bad eyesight. Thanks for your notes, I will read them and respond in short order.
from chakra-nadi :
That's good you know your boundaries. Being in a house with someone almost 24/7 like I am with my husband is driving me crazy. It would drive me crazy with anyone. I really look forward to the fact that he isn't around much lately just because I need a breather. Not the healthiest situation.
from chakra-nadi :
MN really tries to play up their natural resources for as well, but it's far from the pristine forest they try to portray to tourists. It's actually really depressing how much they've ruined the natural environment here.
from musikoid :
I just read your entry from the 24th. I often don't want people to see me, not that I wouldn't want to see them under different circumstances. Just that I don't want them to have to deal with me, as I am. + I was trying to read this last night in the cafe, but I kept getting distracted by someone.
from musikoid :
I think a couple of my notes here disappeard. But then again, my short-term and "mid-term" memories are so shot, I may not have left the notes. I was just coming back to see what I might have said. + I've been trying to read your recent entry (mental lockdown two) but the woman whom we have been discussing came up and things were strange for a while. Hopefully I haven't offended or disturbed you. I might email you or update, I'm in a state of stun right now.
from chakra-nadi :
Yeah, I think it's a pretty complex issue, really. Different people react differently based on conditioning. Usually it's not a big problem, but it can be, for sure. It's part of why I'm amazed anyone can live with anyone else.
from chakra-nadi :
I like that "keeping it real" phrase. I know a lot of people who go to upper MI on vacation from here. I don't know many people that go to the Detroit area for fun. Although Pat keeps saying he wants to. ha! I looked up Minnesota nice on the internet just for fun. In the urban dictionary it's defined as passive aggressive. That's pretty much it.
from chakra-nadi :
I'd been doing well about not accumulating more. When I donated, I didn't go in to shop, etc...but this was a pretty cool set of things. I don't know how they ended up with these old people in the middle of the midwest. We're planning on reselling some of it, at least. Maybe it's just human instinct to want to have your basic needs met, but in modern society that gets warped and we end up with lots of "stuff".
from chakra-nadi :
People here are really proud of "Minnesota nice", they put it on t-shirts, etc...but a lot of times people say it sarcastically, when someone is being an a-hole. That's really more appropriate. There's definitely a similar two-faced thing here as in WI. I am really fed up with it.
from musikoid :
She shouted at me from a car today, I had to turn back to see it was her. She was clearly with another guy Josh who was stone-faced and she smiled and waved as though to get him to soak in my natural smile-back and make him jealous. I could be reading too much into it, but it's her M.O. Beautiful Bad News.
from musikoid :
I feel sorry for her, really. Her self-esteem must be very very low. But yes, it would be quite unwise to risk the peace of seclusion I seem finally to have achieved, after years of living in run-down situations surrounded by tweakers, for the sake of a foolish fling with consequences. Thanks for reading & commenting.
from papotheclown :
I think it was a glitch. I may have left you a note, but I don't remember doing so.
from chakra-nadi :
I hope your visit to the doctor goes well. I am so sorry you are having health problems still.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. Yeah, my stress level is really reaching maximum. I was actually thinking a hike would be nice. But I was also thinking maybe I should go somewhere public, but not have to interact with people, just be an observer. Maybe a little of both.
from chakra-nadi :
Evolution is still happening, but sometimes I think it's happening in reverse, looking at most of the people on earth.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry you related to that. It's nice you can relate, but I'm sorry you feel that way too. Thanks for the link to the poems!
from musikoid :
Good word (trifecta) as I just told Jimbo by mistake. I have thought about the threefold trial since, and have realized that when I was still on the streets, this kind of stuff happened much more often. But I was a lot less able to deal with it with any semblance of calm or focus. It was always fight or flight down there. Somehow, from living indoors and staying off the dope for a few years, I've gradually become a person who (apparently) can process that kind of stuff more rationally, and at least LOOK as though I'm keeping it together. So it was a learning experience. That said, I hope it doesn't happen too often in the future. By the time I got to the third "trial" I was gritting my teeth too hard to maintain mental (or dental) comfort.
from chakra-nadi :
I hear really horrible stories from my homeless friends as well. And I know I haven't been treated with respect, that's for sure. It's almost impossible to stay positive and optimistic. I don't know why things are the way they are. Maybe someday there will an answer to that, but we probably won't like what it is.
from chakra-nadi :
I didn't realize there were different versions of that poem out there. I actually discovered it being read on youtube recently, which is why it was on my mind.
from musikoid :
Hey Jack, I updated this morning. If you don't have the current user/pass, let me know.
from chakra-nadi :
I wish it WAS just the office here, but I think the entire social program system in our country has failed. I am sorry you have to deal with similar issues. These people act like it's a crime to need help so they treat you like a criminal. People need to step up and help each other out, and our society wouldn't even need social programs. But it's like that Bukowski poem "People aren't good to each other". I hope things get better, even as I don't count on it.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. We went there and all they could say to us was to lower our voices or they were going to make us leave. The PIC have been on vacation for weeks, nothing is getting done. We were supposed to get a call, but there's no call. We just figure that's it, we don't get benefits, we don't get help. We just have to give up, because the stress is too much. Which is exactly what they want, but I can't fight this battle anymore. If they think we are paying cash back for food stamps, they are crazy.
from chakra-nadi :
It's just unbearable. I think we are just going to have to ignore it. Neither of us can deal with this. It's pretty bad. Every year at renewal we get shit, but this is beyond.
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry you got stress sick after having to go to your appointment. I get it. The county is saying we owe back all of last years food stamps, over $1000, because they made a mistake. We went down there and got the run around. Pat has been sick ever since and I'm not doing so great myself. Try to take it easy.
from chakra-nadi :
Carpet is one of the nastiest things in the world. If the next place I own has carpet, that will be the first thing I change. It's so bad for your health. It's good you got rid of your carpet, especially with mold. Good you did your laundry, as well!
from chakra-nadi :
I agree totally with how you perceive ppl in the system. It's really hard to keep it together daily, let alone with people acting that way. I recently read the notes from my first therapist, who mis-diagnosed me with MDD, and then said that my MDD was in "total remission". Yeah...that's what happens when you go manic. It's hard to believe that professionals who see crazy people day in and day out can't get it right. I guess it's true, if you try hard enough, you see what you want to see. I am glad you got through that appointment. I know how hard things like that can be.
from chakra-nadi :
Yeah you can get a calendar with nice photos at dollar stores. I think a lot of people cross days off for various reasons. I have thought of stopping, it helps me keep track of days, but I don't know how good it is for me otherwise.
from catsoul :
12.20.19. Hi. I have researched the tracks. I have had the DNR out here. They have confirmed the tracks, and the poop. They took samples. I also post on FB photos. If you are interested in being a friend on FB, email me at: ambereyesforyou@yahoo.com
from chakra-nadi :
I'm sorry. I don't like having to cross the days off the calendar either, I feel like a prisoner in a cell making scratches on the wall, but if I don't, I lose track of the days in a really bad way. I don't know when I started doing this, but I think it started when I was working. I have considered trying something else. There are some really nice wall planner/ calendars out there. Maybe even just picking one with nice images would help you. "Amber Lotus" is where we get all our calendars, you might want to check it out. There is also "We'moon" which has cool lunar phases, etc...I hope you continue to feel better.
from chakra-nadi :
I am sorry that you missed your appointments. If it makes you feel any better, I have to cross the day off the calender every morning, otherwise I lose total track of time. Sometimes I miss a few days, and it almost always causes an issue. Sadly, my husband has the 'butter in the clock' issue as well, but I'm not as bad as him, so I have to be in charge of keeping track. It is not easy.
from chakra-nadi :
For some reason, your comment made me think of lyrics to the Talking Heads song "Drugs". "I feel charged up, electricity, that's what I call it..." That song may or not be about drugs, but I think it's pretty accurate about Bi-poloar disorder, now that I'm understanding that more.
from chakra-nadi :
Aside from my one bday party at Showbiz pizza, I remember going once or twice with a school group. Maybe Gifted and Talented. And a church group. When it became Chuck E Cheese, my best friend at the time worked there and wore the mouse suit and interacted with the kids, which I thought was really weird.
from chakra-nadi :
that sounds like what happened to the arcade by my house when I was a kid. I had a bday party at showbiz when I was 7, but it was too expensive for us to go very often. It was also in the suburbs. For how little time I spent there, it definitely left some weird imprints on my psyche. It's strangely reassuring that I am not the only one affected by it.
from chakra-nadi :
I also have some weird memories/ dreams from Showbiz Pizza. To this day I don't know if I dreamed what happened, if my brother gave me drugs, or if I was just hallucinating. That place could really distort reality for a kid, even when you weren't running a fever.
from chakra-nadi :
I sent you some mail this afternoon, you should get it in a few days.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks for still being my friend.
from chakra-nadi :
I haven't celebrated thanksgiving in a very long time, but thanks. I spent the day debating whether or not to institutionalize my husband. So, just another day.
from catsoul :
11.30.19. Hi. I so get the not being who you are when it all comes to the holidays. I prefer to not go anywhere if I don't have to. I get so tired of explaining why I can't eat with other people, or when I have to run out of a room or place because I am having a topical reaction to some perfume or detergent someone uses. I don't like drama at all, and I just want to be a peaceful soul, which over the years I have become. It sounds like you also are making headway at being peaceful within yourself. Take Care. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. I am starting to feel a little better. I took a short walk today and my hearing is getting better.
from babyhead :
and thanks for the comments, quite a tonight for the day.
from babyhead :
drepohecle(at)matra.site
from babyhead :
May I have the secret handshake?
from chakra-nadi :
I decided to get the cyst removed just because I have insurance now, and it's not going to cost me anything. I was putting it off for over a decade. I could have left it, but sometimes it got in my line of vision and I was sick of looking at it. But, I will have to consider if its worth going through it again if my body decides to grow another one, because it wasn't intolerable, but it wasn't fun, either. I had another cyst that just fell off on its own, and that was much much nicer. I am not a fan of needles and shots and stitches.
from chakra-nadi :
getting a shot in my eyelid and having stitches are not something I'd want to go through again. And now I have a URI/ Sinus infection, because that clinic is a cesspool. Generally I feel like shit now.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. glad it's over now. Not sure if it was worth it or not.
from chakra-nadi :
I hate to see anyone living on the streets, but it's especially difficult with someone I know. He won't let us help, so all we can do is be there when he needs a friend.
from chakra-nadi :
Yes, it is sad. He is severely schizophrenic. I have this image in my head of what he was like when I met him 20 years ago. I can still see him in there, but it's really depressing what he is now, comparatively. I hope he doesn't feel that way about me when he looks me in the eyes. I really wish this country would do something real to help its citizens that can't take care of themselves.
from catsoul :
10.17.19. Hi. Thank you so, so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. Sun is trying to shine here today. You keep shining out also. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I never feel like I've done enough to help people. There's always more that can be done.
from chakra-nadi :
I agree that your family is jealous. When people get desperate, they can get kind of psychotic and mean. I'm sorry that your family has been stressing you out so much, but you have to take care of yourself first.
from papotheclown :
And I really felt your last entry. Solidarity, my friend.
from chakra-nadi :
I think you do live independently. Everyone relies on others from time to time. It's good you have your landlord there. Don't let others try to push you out of a living situation that works for you. You deserve a safe comfortable place to live. After reading that horrible story from your childhood, that is totally obvious. I am sorry you had to go through things like that. Take care.
from floodtide :
Just sent you an e-mail about the traumatizing willow leaf story. I'm so sorry that anyone could inflict such horrors on anyone else, let alone a child of four. I AM ON YOUR SIDE.
from catsoul :
10.6.19. Oh, I feel you and your young life. I am sad that your childhood was how it was. I am proud of you that you shared that about the willow leaf. Just know that I am hearing you, and since I have been reading what you share about you, I feel you have made strives in becoming whole. My thought is about people who want to control me, and do it by doing it emotionally for control shouldn't. I have worked hard at not giving that person control over me. It helps. I too love, love all things in Nature. Nature helps us to feel whole inside. I sit a lot in the woods and meditate. So J. just keep working on you and find your peace and joy. Peace. =^..^= Oh, p.s. your dad sort of reminds me of my dad.
from chakra-nadi :
Most ppl think living independently is just easy for everyone. It's not. Maybe your family doesn't give you fair credit because they don't want to admit how bad things can be for you, because then they'd have to admit that about themselves. I think my family is that way, at least. I hope you will feel better soon.
from chakra-nadi :
You should be proud of yourself for doing so well most of the time. I understand that most people don't understand how difficult life is when you have mental illness.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks, we've had the ebay store for at least a decade, it's just the time of year when we get busy. It's really helped us make it through times when we needed money. I took over 200 photos today for listings. I am still working on the cards that go with the bracelets I make. (I include a short line about the healing properties and put the bracelet in a bag). So, I will have to get back to you about it. Thanks.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, the bloodstone bracelet was one of the first I ever made. It was nice to find it. I will have to check my stock on bracelets to see what I have available right now. I am working on getting the ebay store up and running for the holidays. It's a lot of work.
from chakra-nadi :
interior design is just another example of the division in class in this country. and it creates so much waste.
from musikoid :
I'll check my email now, but I must say, Jack, I can't figure out for the life of me why you would think I might be mad at you.
from chakra-nadi :
Please don't worry. You didn't add any problems for me. And I don't want to add any stress for you, either. I am glad to hear you are feeling a little better. I read about a turmeric/ lemon drink you make at home that I was going to try, because the turmeric caps I have been using went way up in price. I can send you the recipe if you want. I am sorry about your trees.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I won't delete it, but I won't send the response I wrote until I am less crazy, I think. I hope you are feeling better, at least somewhat.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. i am worried about me too. and no. not about you.
from babyhead :
Not at all. All totally lifted. Just doing a touch of wordplay in this empty warehouse.
from musikoid :
Check your email when you can (re Echo).
from chakra-nadi :
I heard somewhere once that we all just end up falling for the same person over and over again, even if it's different person in actually. If you understand what I'm saying. Not sure if that's true, but some ppl really do have a "type". I think we all build some high walls internally the older we get, the more shit happens to us. I'm thinking I'm pretty much done with ppl at this point. Someone wants to get to know me, I feel like...too bad. Should have been here twenty five years ago. I'll keep your application on file, but I'm not really hiring right now. heh.
from musikoid :
Of course, Jack. :)
from chakra-nadi :
I think everyone feels that way from time to time. I'm not sure why life has to be so poopy.
from musikoid :
OK sure, keep me posted.
from musikoid :
Uncanny indeed.
from musikoid :
Oh I get it now. That guy's cool, he's a gay guy named Cody, he's a runner, he's a barista at the cafe, he and I talk all the time. He's a really nice guy. He was drunk, it was his 30th birthday, it kinda came out of him like a left-handed compliment. I can see how it would seem like an asshole thing to say, but frankly I think he's right. I think I do come across irl like I'm full of shit. It's just my karma, guess I gotta embrace it. I'll hold off on the CD mailing. Keep me posted.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. me too. but I might have to get a PT job in the near future. Need some cash coming in. It's stressing me out on many levels.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry to hear about your personal retrograde issues. hopefully they are better now. I know it's a long shot to get on SSDI, but it's nice to have someone willing to help me at least apply.
from musikoid :
To be a bit more specific, it's this part of what you wrote: "I feel like I am an annoying, obnoxious, pain in the ass freak. I can also be strangely funny and charming to the point of being a very weird ham. I like to make people laugh and if I can entertain them, I do. But eventually they see the other side of the coin. But I never really feel like they see *me*. Somehow good mood or bad mood I am lost in translation, probably because of all the social awkwardness and anxiety. No matter what I do, I can't not be weird." Definition of Andy, right there. It's uncanny.
from musikoid :
Wow, Jack, the more I get to know you, the more I realize that you and I really ARE a lot alike! It's a rare happening, even down to the point of coming across "charming" and "entertaining," though still seemingly "manic," even when not manic. The conversations you describe with your sister sound remarkably like those that I have with my daughter. We talk over each other a lot, yet somehow each of us still gets what the other is saying. That phenomenon has dissipated somewhat, however, being as both of us seem to be becoming calmer, clearer, more sober, etc. It's a good connection between me and Echo now, just the opposite of what it was about a year ago, when I was connecting well with Jan, but not Echo. I agree that cleanliness is not necessarily next to godliness. I've met a lot of pretty crummy shitheads who managed to keep their living environments tidy, dress well, keep themselves well-groomed, well-spoken, and so forth. Typical smokescreens for sociopaths, so no one will suspect. But I had to look back through my entries to figure out which P.O.S. you were talking about. Was it the guy I mentioned in the note? Or Joey? Or Dave? Dave and I were just joking around, and judging from your notes, you might not have read this morning's "Good Stuff" entry, where Dave is mentioned. Anyway, good to hear from you, as always. I'll look up your address and get the CD's I mentioned in "Good Stuff" in the mail for you. My treat.
from musikoid :
Actually, those ARE among my reasons. In person, I come across "manic" whether I'm manic, depressed, or anywhere in between. My in-person personality is an annoyance to most people. I come across a lot better in Printed Word. And in music. A guy told me the other day that to talk to me, one would think I was "full of shit," but then they hear me play the piano, and they think: "This guy's got something on the ball." It was like that all through my childhood too. My dad being in the Navy, we moved from town to town. It usually took about six months before they stopped making fun of me, and almost invariably, the only reason they stopped is because they heard me play the piano, and all of a sudden I became one of the most popular kids on the block. It's been a pretty lonely ride.
from chakra-nadi :
One look at me and he could tell I'm crazy, I guess. That's OK. He's right. Hope you are well.
from musikoid :
You didn't worry me, Jack. I didn't interpret the "hopefully" as evidencing any kind of crisis. I was only quoting you for the sake of precision. You may have worried some of your other friends, though, you may not know you as well. But I wasn't one of them.
from musikoid :
Just read your entry, which your note clarifies. I hope you have a nice visit with your friend. I think you have my number (?) though I don't think you "do phone." (?) In any case, see you when you (hopefully) come back. Thanks for letting me know.
from floodtide :
Just saw your "back after these messages - I hope" post. Are you okay? Please call me or e-mail, either way, let me know. Seriously: please let me know. Sending love and care.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks for the note. In his moments of clarity, my husband says he is lucky to have me in his life. I feel lucky to have anyone who wants to be with me, but it's really hard living with someone with such severe mental illness. The harder external life gets, the less "good days" there are to be had. My therapist said he is going to start the process to get me on SSDI. It was his suggestion, even. It's only my second session, and he's already done more for me than any of the other doctors I've seen. 10 doctors over 10 years, and none of them did shit for me. I am hoping I finally found someone who is willing to listen to me and actually help. I hope you are hanging in there.
from musikoid :
Thanks. You too.
from musikoid :
Your last two notes, exactly. Yes, that is exactly the way it is, for me as well. In my case, I think it may even be a cycle (not sure how predictable it would be though). I'm cycling back around to wanting to deal with more external influences now, in the hope that *this time* I will remain authentic and not get "bent" beyond recognition. Wish me luck.
from musikoid :
There is a lot in that entry, yes. I think that when one is an extreme Introvert, and one might be highly sensitive or possess empathic qualities to some extent, we can fall prey to a form of twisted empathy -- or I can, anyway. It's something that's been known to overtake me when I am hoping to fulfill the desires of others concerning me; for example, if someone really wants to help me, I'll find myself subscribing to that person's paradigm with regards to me without duly examining first, just because I'll want so badly for that person to feel they've helped me. I don't know if you have a similar experience, or if I am describing this very well. It's as though I permit my low self-esteem to win out over everything I perceive to the contrary. + At a certain point, this dynamic will prompt further isolation. I'll want to be away from the influences of those who have influenced me so strongly. But this is largely because I am tired of being bent. I feel I've been bent out of shape and I need to be formed back into place somehow. Ironically, my personal relationships with others are the best at such times, because I am no longer so malleable.
from chakra-nadi :
although the day is almost over, happy birthday.
from musikoid :
Okay.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. I kinda thought you were reading, but thanks for saying something. I always wonder what kinds of insights you will have.
from chakra-nadi :
it's been very similar here, both in weather and how people are reacting to it. We had the highest dewpoint I've ever seen the night we had heat index of over 100 degrees. It was unbearable. I too am enjoying cooler weather and less humidity, but after that, almost anything would feel like a relief. I think this summer is really making people realize how fucked we really are in regards to the climate. I hope things will change for the better, but I honestly think it's too late.
from chakra-nadi :
hope you are doing OK, making it through another summer.
from musikoid :
Just saw your note about Jay. It was hard, and I was rattled but it seemed the best course. Here's a chap I barely even know, playing all these odd games with me as though I were his buddy. If nobody's told Jay any of those kinds of things before, hopefully it will make him think twice before he crosses too closely onto another man's turf. I also sent it to K, the group leader, who is aware of the situation, in case I need her support. I only regret I let it fester so long. Had I had foresight, I'd have brought it up earlier, before it all came to a head. Similar but different than Tyler, both seemed to warrant the same conclusion. For me, that is incredibly hard. I wish we would all get along. Maybe something will change in the future, but for now, I have no interest in hanging with people who repeatedly, for whatever reason, disrespect my wishes. I hope things get better from here.
from musikoid :
think & from. I hate being a perfectionist but here goes. One or more of three notes may or may not be removed. I need some sleep.
from musikoid :
Just saw your note about Jay. It was hard, and I was rattled but it seemed the best course. Here's a chap I barely even know, playing all these odd games with me as though I were his buddy. If nobody's told Jay any of those kinds of things before, hopefully it will make him thing twice before he crosses too closely onto another man's turf. I also sent it to K, the group leader, who is aware of the situation, in case I need her support. I only regret I let it fester so long. Had I had foresight, I'd have brought it up earlier, before it all came to a head. Similar but different than Tyler, both seemed to warrant the same conclusion. For me, that is incredibly hard. I wish we would all get along. Maybe something will change in the future, but for now, I have no interest in hanging with people who repeatedly, for whatever reason, disrespect my wishes. I hope things get better for here.
from musikoid :
Yes I think we both called it right. The "test" confirmed this. I believe there is more detail in my email reply. Tired after a long day, hoping to get some sleep. Shalom.
from musikoid :
What you said about Justice was incredibly perceptive. It's hard for me to see clearly when my reasoning faculties are distorted by things like loneliness and hormones. I'm also still very affected by the weird sort of supernatural synchronicity of learning that her name was "Justice" and then going to my email and seeing the first email have the subject line "Justice" which was only the topic of unrelated men's group. It was as thought somebody was trying to tell me: "Watch out for this one!" Nobody knows I was crushing on her, but the general consensus, if I ask anyone what they think of her, is that she brings drama wherever she goes, and I'm best off avoiding her. But the main thing you said that is probably spot-on is that if she's looking for the "bad boy," I could easily be tempted to try and become one. And you're right about where that could lead.
from musikoid :
That's amazing that we both have security beanies. Mine's the best, most comfortable beanie I've ever had. It's gray and fits right on my head very comfortably. I don't think people in this town have any idea what my hair actually looks like, or the top of my head from the eyebrows up. It even covers my big ears a little so they don't jut out. If I'm stressed, the stress is a lot worse if I don't have the beanie on. It sort of comforts me. It's hard to explain, but I think you probably know exactly what I mean.
from musikoid :
Meant to add that I've been thinking about you lately and wondering. Still though I haven't gotten to the entries I must have missed. I'll send you an email pretty soon.
from musikoid :
I'm going to have to catch up with you and read about your client. I get those disparate feelings a lot, when I'd really rather be alone, but I am supposed to perform and be a showman and the center of attention. It doesn't mesh with my introversion. The show did go very well though, because it turned into a relaxed, warm evening. Nothing about it was stressful, so that was good. I did find the beanie eventually - thanks for asking. Interesting that you have one of your own. :)
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. I don't want to celebrate my bday anymore.
from musikoid :
Yes, I thought it would be identifiable. Even on this beautiful morning, I had to force myself out the door. I gotta do the show tonight too from 7-9, should be a money-maker, but the last thing I want to be is the center of attention in a crowd of people.
from chakra-nadi :
I am happy for you that you are making your home a nicer place.
from chakra-nadi :
sounds pretty crappy, but I understand needing to get something done on a timeline. It's a good amount cooler here than it was in IA, but it's still warm. this is my first summer in many years without an AC. Don't over do it, let yourself heal up, take care.
from chakra-nadi :
That's awesome that you are making some headway on your place but be careful doing all that clean up work in the heat. I got a little heat exhaustion when in IA myself. hope you are doing OK.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks for being my friend too! I just got back into town after about a week at my folk's house. I had no internet, just saw your note.
from catsoul :
6.29.19. Hi. So glad to see you wrote something. I was beginning to be concerned, ok, a lot concerned. The heat is fuckin' nuts here too. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
hah, that song is just about right. :)
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, it all sucks.
from chakra-nadi :
that's good you can wait on fixing the rest of your teeth. Yeah, having birth defects sucks. I'm a circus freak. A lot of my childhood was being dragged from college to college trying to find someone that would be able to do something. Fucking elephant man. And when I did get to a dentist, they sat on my chest and held me down in the chairs when I was freaking out and dry heaving so they could try to make my teeth look normal so I wouldn't get teased my entire life like my brother did. It was not fun. So yeah, I wont go to dentists anymore, unless something were to break, then I would. So, I am sorry your visit to the dentist was traumatic. I totally get it.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the encouragement. Of course the thing is for one to be oneself. Sometimes under social constraints this becomes a challenge.
from catsoul :
6.7.19. Hello there. OK. You will be OK. You will be OK. Going to the dentist is just that, going to the dentist. For myself, I always gargle and rinse with warm water and sea salt for days. It jumps start the healing to your whole mouth. Just one of my organic things I do. I won't bring up the dentist again. Take Care. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
I hope you can find a better option to get your fillings done! It's good you are getting things taken care of if you have pain. Yeah, I never got adult teeth, it's a weird birth defect, my oldest brother has the same issue. It also affects my hair and nails and skin. Basically, I can't synthesize one of the amino acids properly. Mostly it sucks, but I basically don't get tooth pain and I've never had a cavity, so I guess there's that. I hope your therapist is right and the filling will get better over time. I still say go for the gold tooth thing. That would be badass.
from chakra-nadi :
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful! I have never had a filling, either. But I also have hardly any adult teeth, so I have other teeth issues. I haven't been to the dentist in about 15 years. I had a friend who was told she needed 7 fillings for cavities, she went to a second opinion dentist, and was told she was totally fine. Maybe you should postpone getting more fillings for now? Or spring for gold or silver fillings maybe, instead of ceramic?
from catsoul :
6.4.19. hello. So do you know Natalie Standiford? Just wondering is all. Your thoughts and feelings on friends/friendships is right on. I do believe for the most part people are like that. Being vulnerable is fuckin' scary shit. Putting yourself out there to others, who may not like you, as you don't like yourself. Scary shit man. I get it. Your words explain why I don't leave the Island much here, only when I have to. Thank you for being YOU. Peace. =^..^=
from floodtide :
"More connected but not as close." Hoo, boy, that was brilliant. So much said in such a brief statement. Your recent entry is so beautiful.
from catsoul :
5.31.19. Early Morning Greetings to YOU, even though I have been up for hours now. I feel what you wrote. I often wonder about do I really exist, or am I just watching a show, where I am just a character? Sometimes I reread what you write 2 or 3 times, so I can just think deeply about what you wrote. Then off and on throughout the day, I think about what you wrote. It is getting lighter outside now, yet most of the time, it never gets lighter inside of me. Oh well, somewhere, if it matters, I may or may not exist. Peace. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Thanks for your very encouraging note. Tyler's in jail now, I found out tonight. Too bad, because he was doing so well in his recovery. But I guess he blew it last night letting those guys in, and he failed a drug test, so maybe it's what he needs. And tomorrow's another day.
from chakra-nadi :
I tell my husband that when we leave, I'm going to take time to write down everything I can think of about living here, and that's my novel, because no one ever believes me when I tell them about what's going on, so I might as well just put it out as fiction.
from chakra-nadi :
Thank you for your very kind words. You helped me feel a little better. I could use a vacay from myself, though. heh.
from musikoid :
Yes, that's the experience in therapy. As you've probably gathered, I have a therapist named Dave whom I see irregularly, who is associated with the clinic where I receive my ADHD meds. But the main, deeper counseling happens with Norman, whom I now seeing every Wednesday. Norman has said something very similar to what you just wrote. The emotion or passion of the moment appears at that moment as though it is the full reality, but it is actually only a representation of a sub-reality, a recurrent paradigm that occurs only intermittently. But we are fooled at those times into believing that it represents all of reality. So "this too shall pass" -- however, if it is recurrent and indicative of a life-pattern, it still needs to be addressed. Good stuff, imo.
from musikoid :
Funny, I got your note on the computer moments after I received an email from Dave, saying that he got an update from Amazon, and the computer will be arriving on Tuesday. I can hardly wait...
from musikoid :
Thanks for you note. It helped to identify for me that I truly was 'just having a bad day.' It strikes me also as interesting how many of my 'bad days' are related to (1) computer problems that I can't solve (2) being under time pressure to solve these problems, and (3) the maddening fact that a person of greater means and privilege simply never encounters this particular problem. They might be slowed down, but not for *months.* But when I start thinking that way, I have to remember sitting/lying down at a single spot on a sidewalk for over a week waiting to get enough money to legitimately buy a pair of shoelaces so that I could legitimately "move on" without having to deal with the inconvenience of untied shoes. So if I think my life is bad *now,* it helps to think twice. Thanks again.
from musikoid :
Yes, the interview looks promising. I'm honored, really.
from musikoid :
She does seem to do something very similar to what I think I've always kinda done, where the Art was there as a creative outlet to divert the self-destructive personality from doing something regrettable. About that Art (the non-verbal kind), maybe just walk through the fear and try to embrace what comes of it. Fear can be a great challenge.
from musikoid :
With reference to your "stream of consciousnessness psycho babble," I can relate to the feeling expressed in the last two sentence especially. There is a sense of needing to create something better; that is, some form of Art, and being so caught up in the malaise of my mental health maladies, I cannot seem to budge.
from musikoid :
I think it's good to sort of separate the two uses of writing as you did. There's the writing for oneself, and writing that one knows will be read by certain others. I don't do nearly enough writing for myself, personally. Everything seems to have its attended venue.
from chakra-nadi :
one of the symptoms of autism is selective mutism. That no one has mentioned this to you is concerning. Also look into MAO deficiency: https://www.probioticscenter.org/fermented-food-allergy/ in regards to feeling like you are "tripping" when you have not taken any drugs.
from floodtide :
Thank you for your notes and your warm support, especially when you are dealing with your own freak-out. You are so much more together and generous and open than you believe yourself to be. I'm heading to an AA meeting in a few, which will help, and I've knocked some tasks off my to-do list for the day. Giving myself less to feel pressured about. But something has to change about how we're rehearsing this play or I'm going to explode in very INAPPROPRIATE ways in front of everybody. The last thing I want to do is throw a diva fit, or what might be PERCEIVED as a diva fit. But this is all just so wrong, and I am beyond bitter than something I've looked forward to so much is turning out to be mental torture. Sending you care and love in addition to gratitude.
from musikoid :
"obnoxious clinginess and seemingly dimwittedness." That's a pretty accurate descriptive.
from musikoid :
"It's hard to let go of principle and the sense of a total lack of justice." Exactly! I suspected you would get it, because I've noticed that you and I think alike along these lines. Weird, though - I just came back from counseling again, and when I brought that up, there was a weird moment. It was as though I had to reiterate it before the counselor believed that this was actually what goes on in my head, and not some strange form of defense or denial. But then a lot of good things happened in counseling after that. I just got back, so I have to process it all, and maybe write a diary entry on it soon. Thanks for understanding.
from musikoid :
PS haha - I think I need a good dose of Carly Simon right now too. :)
from musikoid :
Yeah, it can be a difficult exercise. Of the examples, the first one was pretty easy, because it was pretty easy to think about five things I liked about the guy, even as I was nursing a resentment. The second was almost depressingly more difficult. It was so hard to think of even five things I actually even ever liked about the guy, which kinda made me wonder why I was bothering to resent him in the first place. (If that makes sense.) And IDK Jack. Being Sicilian and having a near photographic memory, forgiveness has never come easy for me. Pile on that years of street experience, and I find I've got a lot of work to do.
from floodtide :
I've had to change my username/password. I'd love to share them with you but don't want to post them in a public note. For the life of me I can't find your e-mail address even though I know I have it, so drop me an e-mail, please, to gwmolnar62@charter.net and I'll share new info with you!
from musikoid :
P.S. I identify with "You're So Vain" on the same basis. It often helps to remember that it's not "all about me."
from musikoid :
Thank you for the nice additional note. I'm a bit better. It's actually helped to release some of this on DiaryLand. I enjoy the "resentment exercise" of trying to find five things I *like* about someone whom I resent, and then seeing if I also like those things about myself.
from musikoid :
No, it's not you. It's just a dumb resentment that won't mean anything once I can spiritually process it. But thank you for reading, and for your warm words about my daughter.
from floodtide :
Can't thank you enough for your recent note about my stunning introduction to "Radical Forgiveness." You took me at face value, didn't worry about whether or not I was employing hyperbole. Somehow you've helped make the whole thing more rational. Getting sleepy now, so I can't articulate fully how grateful I am for your note, which was affirming, supportive, and so loving. Thank you. gwm
from chakra-nadi :
I highly recommend that youbtube channel, esp. the potters house series. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I have.
from cherrygash :
Thanks for the note. Ya id like if u emailed me. Man, i dont know how you could hoard candy as a kid, although i get the appeal. My ot and i are a few years apart and we get to talking about the 90s, toys, food, shows, etc. Its fun to know im not just a nerd. I used to be worse at hoarding, never wanting to give or throw things away because i might need them in the future. As ive been cleaning, and throwing shit away in my parents house, i see where this started. Good grief, you wouldnt believe all the crap. Over the years ive been doing my stuff, the family house and my grandparents house. Its helped a lot, and been interesting.
from chakra-nadi :
I have begun to think there is some serious mental damage that gets done when someone lives in one place for a long time. So, I get what you mean about where you live.
from cherrygash :
Oh shit, thats funny. The pizza pans! Im to the point where im accidentally doing it in front of people. Maybe not like right by, but this last few months ive knocked things off the shelf in the store and theyve just shattered. I dont want to be known as the girl who breaks shit and definately dont want to be the "you motherfucker" girl. Your note made me smile. Ive been swinging down the last few days. Ptsd flashbacks and nightmares are rampant. Im trying to do this physical therapy but its not going well. Im really discouraged, to say the least. Im glad youre gonna work on your "hoarder" room. Do you hoard objects or? Please dont say toenail clippings! Ive been a hoarder my whole life. I keep things, if they mean something. I got crap from all the way to 5 years old. Ive been tossing or organizing and storing over the years. My mom is just amazed at how good things have kept. Thats me, ocd to the bone. My mom told me i was keeping a bird nest in a drawer in my room in grade school. I laughed and asked if i got mad when she threw it away, which i would have, but neither of us can remember.
from cherrygash :
So glad to hear from you. Havent checked if youve updated, but i will later. I love your cat already! She sounds like shes good company. Im glad im not the only "nerdy" one who has pet names for their pet! I found out my ot and i have the same nicknames for our pets, she has a dog. Kinda weird. Im sorry that youre having terrors again. I had nightmares pop up again once i knew my brother would be in town. The funeral is over and things are starting back to normal. We are all exhausted. The silver lining is we got olive garden catered. What have you been up to? I hope not just feeling shitty.
from papotheclown :
Hi, I miss reading your thoughts. I hope you are okay.
from musikoid :
Yes, and thanks Jack. I got both your emails and replied earlier this evening. Glad we're back in touch.
from musikoid :
I mailed your package this morning, finally. There are actually three CD's in it now: Exile, which you requested, and also the CD before Exile, called Abstractions, and my brand new album Interim. I'll send you an email probably. Let me know when you've got them. I hope you enjoy them.
from cherrygash :
Big lots! Are they still around? I used to live by one and visited it often. I like feather pillows too. I have a giant velvet teal feather pillow for my couch, just hate it when it stabs me! Its hard finding pillows. My mom ordered 2 my pillows are they are pretty much worthless. Right now there are 4 pillows in my bed, not any one of them alone is enough, so i stack them and switch them til i drift off. What is your cats name? I have a siamese mix too! I adopted her when she was 10 months, now she is 14. Her real name is Isabella. She is very vocal so she eventually got her nic name Momo, started out meow meow. I know im weird! My pets usually have 3 to 4 nick names, its ridiculous.
from chakra-nadi :
We only have shovels. So, until it warms up, we are stuck in the driveway. We often get knee-deep snow, the only difference this year is that it's not melting between snowfalls. I've never looked forward to spring so much in my life.
from floodtide :
Thank you for responding. I was so glad and so grateful to hear from you, even as I'm sorry you've been struggling. Ugh: "struggling" - I know that's probably euphemistic at best, but I hope you know I don't take your suffering and your pain lightly. I'm also grateful you were thinking of me, too. I struggle myself, of course, especially lately, but my heart has been hurting a little less this week. Yesterday helped; it was a productive day. Need to make today the same, even though my motivation to do nothing is stronger than my motivation to do anything. XO
from cherrygash :
Hi, i just got your note. Sorry its been awhile. Real sorry about the dreams. Seroquel knocked me out, i also remember the crazy nightmares. Im on amytriptyline now. I still get nightmares but theyre more ptsd. Im sorry youre going through this, i can relate, i know its horrible when you cant find peace when you sleep. I always felt like real life and these visions were hard to seperate. so i would dread anxiously, petrified of going to sleep. Maybe this med combo is not good for you. I do hope you find some relief. I do think its funny you saw john lithgows face, although im sure in that matter id be terrified as well!! What kind of cat do you have? Hope you have a good nite, later friend
from floodtide :
Haven't heard from you in ages and I'm wondering how you're doing. Drop me a note, please? Even if you're feeling rotten - just let me know that you're around. I am missing you.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry you're not well. I hope you feel better soon. yeah, we got hit with the shit big time. I went out to the back yard to fill the bird feeder, fell and got stuck in the snow twice. It's above my knees so it makes it hard to walk. There's going to be some major flooding this spring. Honestly, I've barely gone out this winter.
from chakra-nadi :
that's messed up. sorry.
from cherrygash :
So good to hear from you! Sometimes its ok to be mush. What type of projects do you have in mind?
from chakra-nadi :
That is actually really nice, if you think about it. You DO get to be as weird as you want. Not everyone is so lucky. :)
from chakra-nadi :
I looked it up. "Peripheral cyanosis". Blue hands and feet. It just happens to people, especially in the cold.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I like that photo a lot. It's rare to see my dad smiling in photos. It is sad what is expected out of someone to become an adult in our society.
from chakra-nadi :
It's not unusual for us to get a week or so of temps that cold each winter. It's always kind of scary. The weather here really can kill you. I don't miss walking to work in that at 7AM. I often thought I was going to die. Our car sat under snow for about a week in that extreme cold and I was shocked that it started right up. I don't know how our battery didn't freeze. The stairwell to our house doesn't have heat (some genius disconnected the vent when it was turned into a duplex) so walking between the main floor and upstairs was brisk, but I can't say that it made my fingers turn blue. That's crazy that you got so cold in your house when it wasn't even that bad out!
from cherrygash :
Good! I know i feel better keeping busy.
from cherrygash :
Good to hear from you! sorry youre in a funk. Anything i can do to help? Ive been pittering a bit as well. Ive decided to focus on things i love, make me laugh. It helps some. Ive started watching laff mobs laff tracks, it can be funny as hell. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
from cherrygash :
Good to hear from you! sorry youre in a funk. Anything i can do to help? Ive been pittering a bit as well. Ive decided to focus on things i love, make me laugh. It helps some. Ive started watching laff mobs laff tracks, it can be funny as hell. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
from chakra-nadi :
the PO was shut down here for days too. It was over -60 wind chill for a few days, actual temps around -30. Now it's above freezing. It is a really weird winter, but it's probably the "new normal". I feel a little in shock about how weird it is, though. Hard to adapt to all this.
from cherrygash :
I just read my last message, sorry i repeated myself, i was out of it. Well i just hope you are safe. Taking a break from here is ok too. Feel better friend.
from cherrygash :
Hi, sorry youve been struggling. How are you lately? I did send you a email if you ever want to correspond. Im here.
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting me, Jack. I was starting to worry. Good to hear from you, as always.
from chakra-nadi :
He brought home the flu and made me very sick. I'm still sick. He said there was human shit everywhere in Denver, he saw homeless ppl just taking a shit on the sidewalk. He also saw pigeon carcasses all over the place. He thinks ppl were eating them. He had an awful time.
from musikoid :
Haven't seen you in a couple weeks, and I hope you're okay, Jack. I did make some local money selling CD's so it won't be long before I mail out both "Abstractions" and "Exile." I again apologize for the delay.
from musikoid :
An atypical antipsychotic can DEFINITELY make you more psychotic. I managed to get allergies listed on my chart for five of them, Seroquel included. "Rebound pychosis" is what they called it (not sure that's in the books, though.) Glad your therapists listens to things often overlooked.
from cherrygash :
Hey, thx 4 the notes. "I want to find the "good" in good riddance, poetic, i like it. :-) sorry youve been sick, i hope the new year wasnt hard on you. It used to be for me, but now i just dont watch all the junk on tv about it. It helps. I can closely relate to finding yourself, or thawing out, then it all falling away again. Its a trip, give yourself some props. For me, i started out losing myself in my family, which still lingers, then an awful relationship, then back to family. It must be the control, the manipulaton we faced. We were lost- not cared about but controlled....a confusing occurance the mind cant wrap around. Didnt mean to ge such a dramatic note, but i wanted to let you know i relate in a way. Hope you r feeling better
from chakra-nadi :
That's always such a downer to get something home and realize it's a scam. There's not much consumers can do, and the companies know this. Sorry to hear you got ripped off on your oil. As for olive oil, put a bottle in the fridge and if it gets thick, it's more than likely real olive oil. And to find real honey...often getting something with the pollen count on the bottle is a good bet. Or best, buy local from a beekepper at a farmer's market. Hope that helps.
from chakra-nadi :
Yeah, most of the little businesses got bought out long ago by the mega corps and now are total crap. I've read statistics that most of the olive oil that comes into the US is mostly corn oil. Most of the honey is whole or in part corn syrup. Almost all organic food has traces of glyphosate and GMOs because of drift, if not purposeful contamination. Even if you were to grow everything yourself, you're still living in a toxic shithole of a planet and can only do the best you can. I know I am too hard on myself, but as long as I keep asking myself if it's worth it, then I can feel like I haven't totally given up on my values.
from musikoid :
Whew. I'm starting to get better because I see my part in it. Let's all pray I don't make the same mistakes in January that I did in December. Shalom.
from musikoid :
@Jack, just sent you an email. @Everyone my entries were reflecting too much bitterness and rancor for me to want any of you guys to have to put up with them. I'm going to have to really get with the people at my church and see if there's *some* way that at least we can collectively solve my perennial problem with food insecurity, because it was only heightened over the holidaze, with everybody taking vacations and stores shutting down as usual. Between my poor mental health and all the inconveneinces of ongoing abject poverty, I don't seem to be able to get it together in our society to have food in my cupboard 30 days a month. It's demoralizing, I'm tired of groveling. They keep recommending psychiatric drugs, and that would be fine were it not for the fact that every one of my damned problems is solved by FOOD and no psych med on Earth can provide it. It just seems that food is such a basic human need, it's fucking sick that we poor people have to kiss butts and stand in long-ass lines to get it. Anyway my mood will improve next time I eat, for sure. I might delete this note later, as well as all my entries, not to mention my damned worthless [TMI] I called Idaho Suicide Prevention but my laryngitis combined with the fact that I screamed my ass off in a rage outside the Co-Op earlier today has my voice thrashed. I notice I become temporarily better after I read a chapter in the Bible (if I hit the right one) so I'll go back to doing that. Just another long Dark Night of the Soul.
from musikoid :
I'm about three days away from chucking everything and getting as one way back to Berkeley then paying off my street debts and finally comfortably sitting down on Shattuck Avenue flying a sign all day where I belong. I had hella problems in Berkeley but FOOD was not one of them!!!
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. you too.
from chakra-nadi :
The sad part is, that's one of his happy childhood memories. I have to remember all the shit he's been through. Many people have gone through a lot less and are way more psychotic.
from musikoid :
Thanks again for your well-prepared package. All five of the gifts therein showed great thoughtfulness on your part. Merry Christmas!
from catsoul :
12.20.18. I will just say hi. Hi. I get it. I used to just hate getting jerked awake in the mornings, just to go to fucking work, and I did enjoy my job, once I got there and did the day. The having to leave my comfy cozy cocoon nest, all snuggly warm was pure torture to me in the mornings. I was a cranky snarly fuckin' bitch each morning. So I get it. So, that's all. Peace. =^..^=
from cherrygash :
Wow, i have ocd but not so much about germs. Does anything help his ocd? Ya i guess if you burn the sweets off it doesnt matter having them in moderation. How did you get into raw sushi? I have no desire and am not that brave. How have you been? Feel free to email me, id like to hear from you.
from cherrygash :
Like the bubble boy in seinfeld? Hah. Yes, it is sad here. The best place ive eaten at was a flemmings. Im not a big steak person but their meat cut like butter. Everything there was so good. Do you eat the raw sushi? I dont even like the cooked kind. Id rather eat my rice with chinese etc. Panera has really good little souffles in the morning. I hope your friend adds a little cardio to the yoga to burn off those cookies!
from cherrygash :
I know what you mean...just getting out. Im glad you did that, it can be challenging. What did you eat? Im jealous you had any good food places. Here, just subway (barf). Processed meats arent good for you anyway! .
from cherrygash :
Oh that sounds nice, what did you guys do? Good to hear from u.
from cherrygash :
Hey how are you?
from chakra-nadi :
the mayo clinic is good for surgery, they have lots of experience because they will do surgery no matter how unnecessary. And testing. If you have some mystery disease, they will be happy to experiment on you. It's officially an Experimental Medical Facility. You see what I call “victims of the mayo clinic” walking around here like ghosts. I've known quite a few ppl who have committed suicide because of the side effects of the experimental pharma they were given to treat their illnesses. Also know ppl who were held here against their will because they signed papers agreeing to be test subjects for reduced cost of medical care. It's actually a very frightening place. Part of why I want to leave.
from papotheclown :
I very much relate to your feelings on Christmas.
from chakra-nadi :
I can't believe ppl come here from all over the world to see the doctors here. My mind boggles. It's got to be marketing. And thanks. I've been pretty miserable for awhile now. I hope I can get over what the medication did to me.
from floodtide :
Hey, friend. Thank you for your lovely, generous notes. They have brightened my early mornings this week. Yes, Thanksgiving is something I get really excited about, and treat as sacred, and do up in a big way. I was proud of myself this year, for a couple of reasons: in spite of being truly nervous about cooking for Suzanne's Mom, I did not get too OCD or anxious about anything, and when I'd forgotten to put the stuffing in the oven, I said "oh, well, we'll just wait a little longer between courses." And I didn't OBSESS about things. Glad you have leftover whipped cream. Isn't that the best? It always makes me think of John Irving's "The Hotel New Hampshire"; the kids would have coffee "mit schlagobers" in Vienna.
from chakra-nadi :
i am still kind of in shock that stores open thanksgiving night nowadays. people don't even get to stay in with their families anymore. there's nothing "holy" left about any american holiday anymore. Nothing is sacred, so people need to get over themselves. Glad you got to have the day you planned on.
from catsoul :
11.23.18. Hi there. Yes I retreat now at this time of year. I don't do much. I made Randy his turkey feast back at the end of Sept. if I recall correctly. He said he was hungry for turkey and the fixings, so I made it. Him and I are just thankful to be here for each other. I haven't faked it for anyone in years. I don't get why "the others," as I call other folks, get to warped out of their minds about the holidays. I am glad for you that you also have reached the reality of yourself about the holidays. I like mac n' cheese, great choice. Peace Man. =^..^=
from cherrygash :
Hey, just read ur recent. Good you did what U wanted. There is so much pressure around the holidays. I just heard on the news the average expense for one person to spend on gifts around black friday is 1000. Ridiculous. I only did blk fri once and waited outside gordmans. When the doors opened and we rushed in and i got handed a paper. Did my shopping and realized other people also had paper bags. I went and asked about it then sent to a manager. I was not bitchy or offensive in any way but i was told they were out of bags...no luck. I said id never done this and didnt know about the bag. The manager started verbally attacking me. In shock, i shoved the items i had at her and left. She yelled thank you for coming! at me as i left. Nothing is worth that, or getting elbowed or trampled on. Good grief Holidays have been watered down to shit. Ive already considered if i ever have kids, i might keep santa out of christmas. Wish i could send you some food i made today! Im also skipping a turkey day on sat. Initially i felt guilt and kept going over it in my head, torn. That feeling is awful but im learning to say no and take care of my wants and needs. Everyone needs that. Take care
from musikoid :
Happy Thanksgiving as well, my friend. Thanks for stopping by. :)
from musikoid :
Right - *especially* when it comes from someone whom you actuallty *like* -- that's what makes that kind of thing so difficult. One thing that helps me is to reflect on my own wordings of things, and the way in which I might express similar sentiments that could come across as narrow-minded, stigmatic, prejudicial, etc. -- we all tend to develop stereotypes about people based on generalizations we've observed. And naturally in a diary one is going to be working through that kind of thing. If I recognize the statements as more universal than personal, it helps. If I'm bugged by something, it's probably because I do the same kind of thing myself.
from musikoid :
I get that way too sometimes. Just a weird, strong feeling that I'm somehow alienating everybody. But no, it had nothing to do with you, just somebody else I was reading who has made comments that could conceivably pertain, if not to me personally, to a group of people with whom I might logically be associated. But I was also like "So what?" It's that person's diary, they can write whatever they want. I wish I were so detached from others' opinions of me, but alas I am not. It only calls to question the entire online diary concept, for me.
from musikoid :
You didn't make me upset, and I'm sorry if I triggered you. My entry was the expression of a mood. I think you identify with it, from what you have said. I didn't mean anything personal by it, but I could have been more careful.
from chakra-nadi :
Eh. this is just how life is. It's pointless getting upset about the reality of things. Guess I am just in mourning for hope. Just keep trying to do what I think is important, even though it's utter folly.
from chakra-nadi :
I don't think I am depressed now. I think that I am just an idealist that has finally accepted reality. It's a bummer life isn't better, but WTF can I do about it? I'm getting over it. Now I can just exist. I've expected too much from everyone and everything, and it's just caused sorrow.
from chakra-nadi :
anyone who says change doesn't bother them is either lying for has lost their bucket!
from chakra-nadi :
I have no idea why that candidate was being so aggressive coming our house and acting like a maniac, but I was happy when that fucker lost. It made me feel better about getting harassed. 2016 changed how people thought a lot, it will prob take some time before they can figure things out, which is why all the chaos. Humans don't do change well.
from papotheclown :
I fully agree with your take on politics. And we have the exact same Thanksgiving plans. Cheers.
from chakra-nadi :
this is the craziest mid-term election I have ever seen. You're not alone in wanting nothing to do with it. Some crazy DFL'er kept coming to my house over and over again. Knocking like a cop, scaring the shit out of all of us. Leaving pamphlets in the door. I've also never gotten so much political mail. I kept saying I was done voting. As an Anarchist, every time I vote, I feel like I'm betraying one of my core values. But I voted anyway. For all the good it did anyone. I have a comedy special by Lee Camp that I was going to watch soon, but I just had to wait until the election was over for awhile.
from musikoid :
There probably is something to the Twin Flame concept. And that's all right. She & I can fan those flames from a distance.
from musikoid :
The Sonnet Project: https://musikoid.diaryland.com/sonnet.html I personally think this is hilarious. I'll have to tell Flood.
from musikoid :
I wound up going here: https://www.onlinevideoconverter.com and it was very easy to convert from the youtube link directly to .wav file to make a hard copy CD, so I have CD's ready. If you or anyone else you know wants one, there's info on this link: https://edeninbabylon.com/2018/11/02/exile/ -- I can't tell what's happening with Jan. There does seem to be a parallel with the Ghost. All I know right now is I feel one thing one day and one the next, and that basically I'm trying to make sure I don't contact her to make things worse than they already are.
from chakra-nadi :
yeah...that's the guy that I called my Muse. It's really depressing to me. I could pass him on the street and not recognize him at all.
from chakra-nadi :
I don't think I am capable of not checking my email at least once a day. I told myself I'd make more of an effort to make friends in the real world, but that isn't happening. It's hard to make new friends when I hate everyone.
from chakra-nadi :
I would like to think we would still email even if I took a break from the websites. :)
from chakra-nadi :
yeah, I made it less than one whole day before I broke down and went on the websites. I am sick of myself and my reactions to stress. I think dreams are more vivid this time of year, personally. It's a good time to sit and think about them, too. Hope you are well.
from musikoid :
I get it on your reaction. I would probably feel that too if caught up in a nightmare where a deific figure emerged and I was forced to react. And I feel you on how these nightmares reflect the sordid aspects of the lives we lead by day. I also tend to belive that they reveal the worst of our current hidden fears. However, I have also had the experience of a series of nightmares reflecting a reaction to *good* things that are happening in our waking life -- kinda like a shadow side. And vice-versa: good, pleasant dreams occurring, only to awake to one of the shittiest periods in your life. I'm not sure quite frankly what my dad was all about -- probably scientific skepticism. My brother, whom he favored, has a lot of that too. One way or the other, dreams are a trip.
from chakra-nadi :
Heavy dreams you had, but I get the sense that they are helping you learn things about yourself. I know when I was a "professional" cleaner, it really started to affect my self-esteem, how I saw myself. It's mostly how society treats those that do that important work. And of course, in your dream, it was probably not all literal. Hope you are doing better.
from musikoid :
I've never known dreams to be so vivid and terrifying. I've had a handful of dreams of that variety, but definitely not recurrent. In a recent dream there was a chant (maybe this parallels your "wounds" chant), in which I had gotten arrested, and a bunch of cops had me in some remote station house out in the country, and they were all chanting "Beezlebub! Beezlebub! Beelebub!" As I'm sure you know, that is the biblical name for the "Prince of Demons." It's weird how satanic dreams can be sometimes. I would be tripping on your dream for days on end too. The Beezlebub dream was quite a bit more involved than I described, with all kinds of entrapment leading up to my arrest. And I couldn't get it off of my mind for days. I think these dreams somewhat reflect what our hidden thoughts are. Thoughts hidden to us in waking consciousness are revealed in the dark night of dreams. The night before last I had tapped into some new life force that no one else was tuned into yet. It gave me superpowers. Then last night, I dreamed of having a casual phone conversation with my stepdaughter (who hasn't spoken with me for over ten years now). It wasn't till midway through the conversation that I "remembered" that she doesn't speak to me. And through all this, my Dad always told me: "Dreams don't mean a thing." I question that. I think it's what he wanted to believe. But it's not true. Postscript: I doubt God cares if you say "shit" in his presence. But that's just me.
from cherrygash :
Just read a recent post of yours. Your story of abandonment makes my heart hurt. I was fed and had everything, physically, taken care of by my mom. Except for the on going abuse by my brother. My dad was always checked out, so nothing from him. My mom worked a lot of overtime and didnt know how to manage us, emotionally. Abuse and/or neglect by a parent growing up is very confusing. Our small minds still developing, sucking in everything like a sponge, shapes our perception of ourselves later in life. Its hard to relate to others, unless theyve been through something similar. Its a fucking mess to live through and when we dont feel understood by others, we feel alienated. Our fight is trying to come to terms that we are walking on a constant incline dealing with all the consequences from others fucked up behavior. That we are probably going to slide more than we excel. Even dealing with my parents now, i have to keep assuring myself of what my therapist says, Its not you, they are not capable. Both of my parents have a past that they never dealt with. Understanding some of this, i understand their crazy. It doesnt make it better, but for me knowing that none of it was personal...like it could be any other kid and there would be the same behavior, oddly makes me feel better.
from musikoid :
It sounds like you do identify, and I think you pretty much nailed it in the last couple sentences. We tend to think of ourselves as "giving up" when we don't follow through with something that we originally had staked our hopes in. But if that same something turns out to have been hurting more than it's helped, to leave it behind is prudent. The issue of whether or not we are "giving up" falls under moral judgment, and ought not to be even a part of the equation. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Find something that does.
from musikoid :
Thanks.
from chakra-nadi :
I've never read either of those books. Always intended to.
from chakra-nadi :
I am sorry you are not in a good place. That book won't help anything. Not sure why they assign that in schools.
from papotheclown :
Yeah, fuck Lord of the Flies. That pig head nonsense gave me nightmares too, and I never read the book either. I think I may have seen the movie when I was a little kid though
from catsoul :
10.10.18. I read "Lord of the Flies," in H.S. I had nightmares for months after reading that book. I will never ever reread it again. I agree with you, don't put yourself through reading that. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
I read Lord of the Flies in 12th grade, and I remember it being disturbing. You might want to stick to some lighter reading for the time being. I like Neil Gaiman's short stories. Thought provoking but easy reads.
from cherrygash :
Hey thanks, ya i think im going to have to take her to vet 4 antibiotics. Ok, dont go crazy or anything but ive never seen fight club...wait! ...i bought it just havent watched it. I did see the new predator movie..which wasnt the best. I want to go see if jamie lee curtis can kick some killer ass in the new Halloween movie. Also want to see aquaman.
from chakra-nadi :
The baby turtle was totally a shock. It was kind of hopeful, but it also made me really depressed that my Mom and Dad don't get to see it.
from musikoid :
Agreed.
from cherrygash :
There is something nagging me to ask you where you got the angry guy picture on your diary page. I know it sounds stupid but it looks a lot like my ex.
from musikoid :
Yes, I thought you could probably identify with that aspect of it. In two hours, it will be one week exactly since the last shot. Heavily medicated detox period, however.
from cherrygash :
wow. 5 blocks, thats pretty good. i guess i have good ears. i saved a few cats with my hearing. my cat got outside and chased up a tall ass tree, couldnt find her for a day. while searching i heard her and looked up. the other cat somehow got in one of the those big trash receptacles and heard her, so she was not dumped. i hear a lot of what drs and nurses whisper in front of the door. i almost feel like i should chime in. hah.
from chakra-nadi :
I have been really sick. I am sorry I haven't responded much lately. Thanks for keeping in touch.
from papotheclown :
I am using the same email. Sent that password on over.
from catsoul :
9.28.18. Howdy Do. Just wondering how it has been going for you. You haven't been writing here, maybe in a paper journal. Just wanted to let you know I care. Peace Man. =^..^=
from papotheclown :
Thank you. That's solid advice. I will save up my nuts as best I can. Also, I've been meaning to ask you for your password but keep procrastinating. I want to read your stuff.
from cherrygash :
I was going to say sorry if my notes get too wonky, i do this mostly at nite and taken my meds. Thats why i like to read your diary, ive used humor "therapy" as well, you just cant see it much anymore in my writing. Seriously? The image thing works for you? Are you half warlock or something... Seriously....with a skill like that you could raking in some profit. For real, i would pay you to come find my shit occasionally. Lol
from musikoid :
That was extremely well-worded, and yes you do understand. Guess I'm not alone. Thanks.
from musikoid :
No, it's not true that the Feds are mind-reading the peons, but it is true that once you get on the dole, your SSN will be more important than your name or anything else about you. You cross an invisible line, it's freaky, it really is.
from cherrygash :
Just read your latest. Your humor i can relate to. Ah, the ticket to work..i got that at my beginning to, but just a letter, no phone call. Thats weird that they will periodically remind you. Sorry about the bad day...its not about being perfect, for me, its redirecting yourself to accept your own norm, not anyone elses. I was made to be a perfectionist from my parents. I had shit thrown at me and tried everything i could to make it better, but it didnt matter....nothing was ever good enough to win acceptance, unconditional love and safety. Its not me, its them. Im still working on this shit and even though i know that that is true, it hard to escape years of being hurt and not wanted. Like you im my worst critic. I let assholes run all over me, but i do something so little and ride my own ass for a mistake, or not getting better, or being a failure, etc. When in reality i look at how shitty i treatment myself and am amazed. Think theres alot to this perfectionism. Frustration, anxiety, fear. Sorry if im rambling... Oh meds kicked in. Hope tomorrow is better.
from musikoid :
"Social Security must have heard me thinking." That is so poignant.
from musikoid :
Losing a pet is really hard.
from musikoid :
Sorry about your cat.
from chakra-nadi :
My neighbors are a HUGE reason why it's almost impossible not to drink while living here.
from cherrygash :
Yes, got your message.
from musikoid :
Yes, a plan is in place. That part's good.
from floodtide :
No, no, not at all! Sorry I made you worry. I've just been too busy to respond yet. I'll get there. I was grateful for your e-mail.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks for liking the writing. maybe I should do more spoken word. The stuff on my website has been up there for too long.
from chakra-nadi :
I am so sorry for what you've been going through. I do care. I am very concerned for you.
from musikoid :
Yeah I know. It can be extremely unsettling.
from chakra-nadi :
Horrible, depressing dream. I am so sorry. On a side note, FWIW, I am always interested in hearing about your dreams.
from cherrygash :
Hi, i made a new email. Jh7302@outlook Tried to find yours in my notes but couldnt. Please do email me. I appreciate your notes.
from cherrygash :
Hi, just got your note. Sorry i was away ror awhile. Well funny thing is i cant get into my email, the one ive had a zillion years. Hotmail is shitting on me for some reason and im having trouble with verification bullshit. I will probably need a new one, so i will let you know soon how to contact me. Grr. Glad to hear from you though. Hope you are doing well.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note, Jack, and yeah, that's about it. We seem to both need space to work on our own stuff. I just am concerned that she can't stay at Joyce's place for as long as would be desirable, under the circumstances. She hasn't really said.
from chakra-nadi :
just a bad year. period.
from musikoid :
Just read your last two entries. You've been abandoned, man, that's shitty. Call me tomorrow if you need to. I'll leave my phone number in an email. Will be praying.
from catsoul :
8.30.18. Hi, read your last two enteies. Keep writing. I thought you had a cat? If you do, your cat needs you, and you need your cat. Talk to the cat. Peace. Take care. =^..^=
from musikoid :
I'll be okay. I've got good support here in town, and online too. I wonder though, about Borderline Personality Disorder. Dave the therapist has said twice that this is what Jan has. Something about her childhood, leading to these effects.
from chakra-nadi :
The farmers at market here have had the worst year ever. The "garlic guy" lost 50% of his winter crop, which is the worst he's experienced in 25 years of farming, and the family we usually buy the most food from had their peach tree die. Very sad. But, it was nice to get out in the yard even if it was just pulling weeds.
from musikoid :
I'm at work and have not gotten quite through your most recent entry yet. But I want to relate that I also feel awful when 'trapped' among too many people close to me. I get that way these days when I have to go to the Food Bank. Last time, I couldn't wait to be out of that closed room with all the people, and be alone where I could walk the two bags of food home and get some solitude. But a fellow there whom I know from the Center as having some kind of thought disorder kept offering to put the bags on his bicycle basket. I kept saying "no" because the idea of having to extend the period of time when I would be forced to continue to be with *any human beings at all* was by that time unbearable. But his thought disorder prevented him from recognizing that he wasn't taking no for an answer. At about the fifth time that he had completely overlooked my statements of "hey that's all right, I just want to walk the bags home like I always do," I finally blew my top. Even after exploding, he still wouldn't take no for an answer. I literally ran away from him, and started jogging down an alley way with the grocery bags, so huge was my need to be free of human vibes. So I can relate. (Also, I once left my backpack at the social security office in Berkeley, remembered it ten minutes later, returned, and it was already stolen. But that's an aside.) I'll probably get to the remainder of your entry on my next break, or shortly after.
from chakra-nadi :
That sounds like a hangover remedy gone horribly wrong. I bet it did make you sick. Guess they wanted you to learn first hand.
from chakra-nadi :
I used to make concoctions of the herbs in the garden. My mom would freak out, worried I would actually drink them. But honestly, that drink you made sounds kind of gross.
from floodtide :
"Exhausted and restless" at the same time: I know that combo all too well. So sorry you are feeling it now. Wishing you luck about the second test; that sure seems like bullshit.
from chakra-nadi :
I am so sorry they are making you prove your competency again! I don't understand how this is legal. Total bullshit!
from cherrygash :
Thanks for the note. How have you been? i havent been on alot lately, so sorry about the late response. some days are a little better, and some im just totally spent.
from chakra-nadi :
Of course it's OK. Thank you for your kindness.
from floodtide :
I continue to grateful for your e-mail; forgive me for not responding to it sooner. I haven't had the time or energy for the response you deserve. But I saved it, and will do so soon. Thanks for your recent notes as well. More soon. gwm
from floodtide :
Sorry I can't be a help or comfort in this particularly dark night of the soul you're having. You can always e-mail or call me if you want a sympathetic ear, or even a sympathetic silence. Please be gentle and forgiving and patient with yourself. I am on your side, and I am sending love. - gwm/flood (231-735-0180, gwmolnar62@charter.net)
from floodtide :
Thanks for your note. I was thinking "what a coincidence!," because I had been thinking about you and clicked through a couple of your most recent entries. Wondering how you are. Then I realized: maybe you looked at your stats and saw that I had visited? The IP address includes Traverse City, so you'd know I'd been there. Where in Michigan are you? I can't help picturing southeast, or at least east - maybe metro Detroit, but Ann Arbor or Lansing or Bay City seem more likely to me, though I couldn't say why. Just an instinct. I really wish I could meet you someday. I'm doing well but something's not quite right. Don't know if it's the depression, the loneliness, whatever. Pushing myself through all the motions, which is better than not doing it. Love, flood
from chakra-nadi :
No, I'm sorry. I think I am under more stress than I realized and I'm hyper sensitive. At least my parents house is clean. It's just packed full of stuff...
from chakra-nadi :
Gee, do I really come off as that weak? Guess I should work on that.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I am not looking forward to the amount of physical work that cleaning out my parents house will require. I have no idea how long I will have to be there. It feels like when I leave, I won't come back the same person, and so I am hesitating going down there at all.
from musikoid :
That Seroquel is horrible stuff and it might well have had something to do with it. Everybody's different, but whenever I took it, I was trashed the next day till noon. And that was on the lowest dose. I had to leave work early one morning, and fell flat on the floor when I came home. And that was happening weeks into its usage. It also caused "rebound psychosis." I would hear voices after using it (though not before!) I finally was able to get them to give me allergies on my chart to most of the atypical antipsychotics, respirdal and abilify included. Good luck with your head, I hope it's less heavy next time I hear from you.
from chakra-nadi :
That song is accurate on everything except eating raw bacon. The first line keeps getting stuck in my head: "I'm going crazy, trying to keep you sane..."
from musikoid :
Sleep is so critical. When I get half the sleep I need, I am half the person I need to be. I pray you get a good, restful night's sleep, and soon.
from chakra-nadi :
thank you.
from cherrygash :
Hey there, thanks for the messages. I am ok. Sometimes it all feels too much.trapped. the thought of not knowing if or when i will function normally again drives me crazy. I get so down...my bodys shit, my depressions shit, my family is shit. I believe this might go easier if i aliviated one. I kno i sp that wrong. Anyway, but then again maybe my crap health is the ultimate distraction to my broken heart. Anyway, thank you for caring. Ill catch up with you.
from musikoid :
Just opened up to see if you like the first release from my demo. There's a paste of an email I sent to people kinda involved with it. I also just read your recent entry - it's exactly what I was thinking on the way over here. They don't accept me now, so why try to get them to accept me at all? Fuck 'em.
from chakra-nadi :
Well, at the very least, your dad never traveled 2000+ miles just to treat you like shit. Unfortunately, he's much closer to you all the time.
from cherrygash :
Thank you for the note and forgive my tardiness. I havent caught up with ur diary, but i will. I wish i could say im glad to relate...well i am...in the sense that comparing my crazy shit to yours isnt so fucking isolating. Hope youre doing ok.
from chakra-nadi :
I hope you are able to move on from your family issues. After confronting his Dad, I don't think I've seen my husband that upset ever. I truly felt bad for him. But it had to be done. You have to take care of yourself, which includes getting abusive people as far away from you as you can. Most people put up with things from family that they would never tolerate otherwise, and certain types of ppl really feed on that. Hope you are well.
from chakra-nadi :
I do understand. There's not exactly a replacement for family love, but I think it's good to be reminded that other people care. As for an email, just write when you are able.
from chakra-nadi :
There are people who appreciate who you are, accept you, and care about you. I am sorry if it's not the people you want to feel that way.
from musikoid :
No reason for you to feel guilty, Jack. But you already know that. Glad you made it through the day.
from musikoid :
Reading your entry, I can see how calling your father on Father's Day could lead to some very adverse effects. In my stepdaughter's case, who refuses to call her mother on Mother's Day year after year, to her mother's tears, knowing full well that her mother would be overjoyed, and would thank her profusely, that's a different story. In your case, you've been abused, and he does indeed seem lucky to have you back in his life. In her case, she only thinks she's so hot shit that she is exempted from the common courtesy of calling her mom on Mother's Day because of some vague idea that her mother wasn't "there for her" throughout her high school years. Perhaps, due to the divorce and the fact that her mother lived in another State, Jan wasn't as "there for her" as she could be. But Echo has no problem calling either her mother or her father on the appointed holidays, and genuinely expressing well wishes. It is ponderous and cumbersome. I'm lucky to have a daughter who cares. As per my own Dad, he's long gone. I hope you made it all right through the day.
from musikoid :
Sorry I haven't gotten to your last three notes. I've been more than a bit scattered lately. I'm here this morning to catch up. I did get things resolved with the Chas clinic, though it took an annoying amount of self-advocation for me even to get a final 30 day scrip for my levo. I've found another clinic and am also, with Jan's help, getting more into diet, vitamins, and herbal supplements. I'm also a healthy person in general, and so it's prudent to take doctors with a grain of salt if they clearly have no idea what they're doing.
from musikoid :
I'm with you, about the wall. It seems that in my case it's gotten even more pronounced since having been on the streets. I was in a situation where I had to be "on guard" pretty much 24/7, even to the point of sleeping with one eye open. It saddens me that the wall would still loom large, especially in the eyes of someone whom I truly love.
from floodtide :
So glad D-land is back up, and so glad you posted, even if - especially if - you are in so much pain right now. I am in a hotel in BumFuck Nowsheresville, Kentucky (I think the town name is actually Corbin, but I'm not sure) where I just ate at a seedy steakhouse where the handsome waiter was witnessing with the couple in the next booth. Jesus. So to speak. Anyway: I'm halfway back to Michigan. Do I pass by you, anywhere near by you, on my way up 75 tomorrow? Could I buy you lunch? I mean it. XO
from cherrygash :
My parents were never physically violent, my brother was. My parents didnt drink or do drugs. Im not sure which is worse...if they were physically intoxicated, it might lend them a little more of an excuse. With my brother, he got us taken away once. We were close to being lost in the system, and other horrible stuff. When we got older it could have happened again. It involved other children. He was not only volitile to me. I saw how he got nasty with some of his exs. Screaming and fighting in our family became a daily occurance. No wonder i cant remember living without depression, ocd, ptsd, panic disorder. Suicidal thoughts. I had no help or any idea of what i was going through until 12. I can still feel the wrenching pain...not knowing what i was going through, feeling completely alone and literally bawling myself to sleep every nite. It didnt make sense that people who are supposed to love you hurt and abandon you. Especially parents.
from cherrygash :
When you feel you do everything wrong...yes how wicked that game is. I felt it my entire life, with my parents as well as my brother. I was walking on egg shells, no matter what i did...nice or nothing, i didnt know when my brother would attack. With that and my parents abuse and neglect i was always trying to figure out what i did wrong. My therapist refers to it as "kicking the puppy". I am being blamed for it, in words or actions, when i didnt do it. Constant guilt. Feeling like you dont deserve love. But thats what abuse does, makes you feel crazy because it doesnt make sense. Ive read a little on gaslighting and it fits well with my parents actions. Im sorry you feel like you will never feel good. But i do have a few things to say, black or white thinking, and feelings arent final. I know when youve felt like shit so long it wont end..but there probably are moments or even a flash when you feel like you again, or confirm this shit isnt your fault. Be kind to yourself, its hard, but worth working on...which im horrible at. We were both programmed to be our own worst critics. Remember that. And i know its trite, but others actions do not define our worth. Thats a hard one too.
from cherrygash :
Hi, thanks for the note. Just read your latest entry and i can relate on a few things. Im an ex self harmer-cutting and burning. Although after growing up learned my other ways of sh when i was young-pulling my hair, slapping or punching in face or head and scratching. It was a bit odd to learn but made sense. I started cutting when i had no outlet, to express myself. Like you i was attacked if in any way i was not happy or content. Its horrible. When found i sh, i didnt get concern or anything. Just nastiness on "how can you do this to us", and threats. Doing something because ur hurting only to get berated. Even little mess ups i got knocked down for, like even dumb kid shit. When you say you are a people pleaser i believe we are made from abuse and other people pleasers. I had enough verbal put downs, my inner self started to believe them, and started the constant self critism. I still have major problems with it. Its fucking sad. Im sorry you were treated so badly. Just remember its on them. Normal people have kids to love. And yes there should be rules and consequences. But kids need trust, respect, and nurturing. Not to be torn down. Life is mistakes, but it is also learning from them. You cant learn much else but poor selfesteem from constant abuse.
from catsoul :
I too had parents who expected me to always be perfect. I too am a people pleasing whore. Man, I so feel what you wrote today, when I read it. Your words hit home big time to me, you could have been writing my early years living at home. Peace. =^..^=
from chakra-nadi :
I've learned from this that everyone is just working their own agenda.
from cherrygash :
Sorry my notes have been so consumed with my crap. How are you and do you know anything yet about your case? I liked your story of finding those traveling books. Cool! Im going to look up this author.
from cherrygash :
Thank you, i will look those books up. In my family no boudaries exsisted, kinda like you. Assault after assault, constant fighting, but no matter what someone said or did to offend it was never resolved or even talked about...if then it would stir another fight. I had to take it, suppress it, and keep my mouth shut. It still baffles me.
from musikoid :
She's much better now with the whole mix of meds. I heard from her last night and saw her this morning, and she was back to her normal self, gregarious, adventurous, making new friends. I think it was mostly the meds, on top of the transition aspect. Anyway, they're en route to the Bay Area and back with the van, so I won't see either of them till sometime next week.
from cherrygash :
Thanks for the note. In a way it is comforting to know im not alone in this, and im not as fucked up as the parents make me feel. I am now working on topics to stay away from, noticing passive-agressiveness, ignoring guilt trips, and keeping a certain distance. Theres totally mean and unfair shit that happens, which explodes so much i end up shaking and crying on my bed, too many times my only thought was a way out. So fucking sorry you had to deal w shit like that too. I hate when they put it All on me. Sorry, ive been the only one in therapy, on and off since 12. But im glad you can stand there and say we are a healthy family and we do communicate. Omg hypocrites. Im glad you are feeling better. Kids can be nasty. But i found that awesome you used your imagination to put you in a better place. I also had a wide imagination, in a way it was my silver lining. My protection, my release. I devoured books. I know the alcohol is tempting. I feel if i start again(not for fun) i will return to that person who was so far gone. i would be numb, feel nothing.
from musikoid :
I am sure she is in a state of transition, and it's difficult on her in many unexpected ways. But I think once she can get her script over here, it will help. She's on five meds, but only has four of them filled. The other one I guess is more tightly controlled and requires a presented prescription with doctor's signature. So she's trying to get a hold of her doctor in Berkeley.
from cherrygash :
Oh yes, bottled emotions. I was raised by the king and queen of bottled feelings. That was and still is my life. Moving back in with them has tested all our sanities. This is the 2nd stint. Flashbacks EVERYWHERE. Most of the time i feel i cant deal either. I cant show what i really feel most of the time, its draining as hell. And i am fed guilt over my depression or ptsd or whatever. Thats when i spiral.
from musikoid :
You remind me somewhat of my daughter in the expression of various effects and feelings around the benadryl, Seroquel, and Ativan. Your entire recent post about repression and regression was so lucidly expressed. I felt you being creeped out by the squishy toy, and it being your therapist's gift entering into the existential angst of the experience. The whole picture was painted extremely well; and so while one might worry about you, at least you have this marvelous exercise of self-expression. In your writing.
from cherrygash :
How are you? Just read ur last entry. When you described your nites, where everything you hold in during the day explodes and consumes at nite. I grew up with ocd and have worked through aspects of it but am still getting caught on ruminating. It snowballs and all i want to do is drink myself to sleep. I actually did for many years. Atavan probably saved my life. Im sorry you are feeling so consumed, if you ever want to email or chat let me know. Hope you are doing ok.
from cherrygash :
Thank you, Jack. I know you have your own shit going on and I really appreciate your nice note. I havent caught up to your diary yet but i will. How are you feeling? I hope you are staying safe. My first day prep had very little result. Hoping tomorrow with lots of liquids will start it. Hope i just pass out tonite cuz tomorrow nite will have little sleep.
from chakra-nadi :
your out of body experience must have been terrifying at the time, but it sounds like some very positive and beautiful realizations came out of it. hope you are well.
from floodtide :
Oh, lord, THAT Jack. Yes, there is another Jack. I'm so sorry! I couldn't imagine why you were even asking the question, but I looked back through a couple recent entries and didn't see any reference to a "Jack." I must have skimmed in too cursory a manner; I didn't see that I'd mentioned the Other Jack, who is the brother of my AA sponsor Bob. I do not resent you, my friend, not in any way; at the moment I can't imagine any reason I could. So yes, in response to your question, there are two Jacks. Bob's brother Jack - a year older than I - moved in with them about six weeks ago, after two years of depression so bad he lost his business, his home, any chance at relationships. Bob is trying to find that knife-edge balance between helping Jack and not feeling responsible for him. In fact I only recently learned that the brother's name is Jack; before now I've only been able to say "Bob's brother" and "Bob's other brother" - he has one in Northport with whom Jack sometimes stays (not often enough). When I was in college - a freshman, maybe? - my Dad drove all the way from South Carolina to Long Island to "rescue" his alcoholic older brother, my Uncle Bill, whose marriage had collapsed, along with the rest of his life. I see now that he, too, suffered terrible depression and perhaps other mental illness. I had always adored Uncle Bill, but came to resent not so much him as my parents, who decided Bill needed MY room (even though we had a guest room). I slept for a summer or two on a fold-out sofa bed in one-half of the den, curtained off with a yellow blanket. It sucked. Of the sins my parents committed against me, it was a pain at the time, but relative to the others fairly mild and - long-term, anyway - fairly inconsequential. You do not inspire resentment in me. Nothing but compassion and concern and love.
from floodtide :
Only one. Why?
from floodtide :
Thanks for your notes. Glad you liked the warm fuzzies story. And Dr. Foote is an optometrist. I may have written in such a way as to have conflated two different doctors, but then I'm usually writing in a very fast stream-of-consciousness way that occasionally trips me up without my having noticed it. XO
from cherrygash :
You have people helping you? Lucky. I gawk in wonder at how elderly people, or slower people can even navigate this shit. I am of sound mind fortunately, but wonder how many people cannot adequetly jump these hoops and end up very short changed or fucked all together. Good grief they were giving me 15 dollars for foodstamps a month before i made 10000 calls to staighten shit out. Seriously, $15? Who the hell said "Hey, lets give them the eqivalant of one dinner at Arbys per month?" Ivd learned alot of patience, and that if i get mad, they only screw u worse. But its kinda hard to keep emotions out of it when its what you live on.
from chakra-nadi :
I am looking forward to going through my old things, my parent's things as well, even though it will be a lot of work. It's one of the only bright sides to them being dead. It's like a mystery or a treasure hunt. I'm sure when I look through my box I'll wonder why I thought any of that crap was ever important.
from chakra-nadi :
I hope Shiloh does mellow with age. She had a traumatic life before we took her in. That messes anyone up.
from cherrygash :
Hey i wrote you a note and just realized i put in on my notes. Lol so u can go see it if u want or i can write a new one later, ha.
from cherrygash :
Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear youre all over, but its understandable. I dont remember how long they took to decide mine, but i think at least a few months. When i got mine i was overwhelmed with relief. Happy that i would have the income instead of always being broke. I still dont receive alot because how much i earned up until then didnt reach a minimum, whatever that is im descibing, sorry brain fog. But if i started work again i could build that up to receive more if i needed it later. Never knew about any of that. The system is crazy just to warn ya. Tomorrow i see a gastroenterologist. My mood lately has been i just wanna swallow a mix of pills and alcohol. But i know itd hurt like fuck and wouldnt be pretty-but this right here, right now, aint pretty anyway. Trying to soldier on, but at times i feel so desperate-i scare myself.
from musikoid :
It's not a big deal, Jack. Evidently I must have said something I didn't mean. But I'm tired of DiaryLand, it's just more trouble than it's worth. You and I can always email. Take it easy, and be good to yourself. Nobody is on your case.
from chakra-nadi :
As for Shiloh and the shower thing...yeah we have a curtain. She pulls the curtain aside, too, and stares with huge eyes and tries to attack the shower head. It is really funny. Or, it would be if it were happening to someone else. I try to close the door but she howls like she's dying if I keep her out. She has a weird thing for water. She's even tried to jump in the sink when we do the dishes. The shower isn't as bad as her belly flopping into the tub. She's a total freak, so I guess she belongs here with us. We do have a baby gate left over from the gpigs. She climbs over it whenever we've tried to use it. I think she's part monkey.
from chakra-nadi :
I am totally getting where you are coming from. I don't feel like I can catch a break, either. I should be able to be feeling free and relaxed, but it's just one thing after another. Maybe it's the retrograde or something. We always just print out the statement page from our bank account for EBT, too. If you are approved, can't you just ignore the request? They often try to send us things saying we need more proofs after we've been approved, but we don't ever send them in. But MN is not MI I guess.
from musikoid :
No - it's not that, and it's not you, Jack. It's that I expect too much out of people in general. Prior to your comment, the only note I got on the situation was completely out of sync with the level of how HUGE the situation is. So I spelled it all out in hopes that someone would at least grasp the HUGENESS of it, whether they wanted to say anything about the specifics or not. But, outside of your reply, that hasn't happened. For one reason or another, people here have either dismissed it completely or else commented in such a way as to indicate they thought it was a SMALL matter, rather than an ENORMOUS matter. So it's been disheartening, as far as my long tenuous relationship to DiaryLand is concerned. All that said, my own part in this has to do with my expectations of others, which are often inordinate. I apologize if I was at all demanding of you. Your friend, Andy.
from cherrygash :
Thank you, shes still in hospital but a little better. Leg scan showed no clot which is good. I havent had a chance to catch up with you, how are you and do you know anything yet about your disability hearing? Im moody as fuck, feeling the after effects of brothers family being here. Im just closed up in my room
from musikoid :
I thought you would identify. It's amazing how many people don't (or don't know that those feelings will pass.)
from chakra-nadi :
I, too, am glad you have people helping you with your disability case. We didn't. We got lucky in that he got accepted right away, but we got screwed out of benefits we should have had because we had no one to help us. That's cute about the rubber duckie. It's nice you have a close relationship with your sister. I should get something to keep Shiloh out of the bath/ shower here. She jumps in with me and then runs around the house wet. Every single time.
from chakra-nadi :
That's a bummer you don't get to enjoy your bath time. Maybe get a rubber duckie? Just kidding. That sucks you had paxil “flashbacks” and then had to deal with your phone. I used to turn off my phone and I was so anxious about getting voicemails that I ended up leaving it off for a long time. My anxiety kept building. When I turned it back on, if there was a voicemail I would flip out and had to have my husband listen to it. So, I understand about the phones. I turn the ringer way down or off now instead of actually turning the phone off. It seems to help for some reason.
from chakra-nadi :
that's crappy. and confusing. I know they pushed my husband off all the county/ state programs when he got SSDI. but all of his backpayment did go to paying off debt. it's never easy. i feel bad that you have to deal with all this. i know how exhausting all the government BS is, and we have a lot less to deal with than you do. I know how it feels to never get to relax. Always have to prove yourself. Running around filling out papers. Trying to stay ahead of all their little tricks. It's messed up. Enough to make someone crazy if they weren't already.
from chakra-nadi :
I didn't have any problem with my deposit at my other bank. That one teller is just a raging bitch. i would hope you wouldn't have that kind of problem depositing money! You are right. I should blow this interview off. I have enough money to live for about a year right now and I will be getting more as the year progresses. I just want to be smart and be able to get land, not waste all my cash on living this crazy shit life. But yeah, taking some more time off right now is probably the smart thing to do. Thanks.
from chakra-nadi :
I appreciate you being nice. Thank you. I feel like everyone else is really going out of their way to treat me like shit lately. It's making me very reactive.
from chakra-nadi :
thank you for saying nice things. it helps me feel a little better.
from chakra-nadi :
no shit. I'm worried about me too.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack.
from musikoid :
My guess is that those kinds of things affect different people differently, in terms of the head response, since they're basically designed for a body response. I don't remember them having that effect when I took them earlier in life.
from cherrygash :
I hope it turns out for u. My "trial" was in a small room, it was via computer, which made me feel a little better, but a tad akward. Thanks for emailing me twice, it did work, i was just being a dip shit lol.
from chakra-nadi :
thanks. it creeped me out when i first saw the photo, then it was oddly comforting. yesterday was rough,though. i miss my dad a lot. hope you are "ok".
from cherrygash :
So glad that is over for you. I got denied once, then got a lawyer, it took a few years but i got mine. I really could have used it long before, i think of how it could have helped me between school and work. I just got to a point where i failed out of college and having breakdowns about work. I always had a job since 12, part time through college. I tried for disability when i had nothing left. So i know how shameful or vulnerable the process is. Shame we feel because of a long standing stigma. And putting it all out on the table for strangers to literaly judge us.
from cherrygash :
Did you go through a disability trial? Sorry im catching up so late. Are you doing ok? I just wanted to let you know this rang so true for me -"I love everyone so much! i hate myself so much! I hate everyone so much! No, i dont really want to hurt anyone, because i love the whole world so much! But somehow not myself, and that kinda gets me started on hating everyone again. Maybe its bipolar or big hearts or empathy. Whatever heartaching combination, we are the good. Its a heavy burden
from musikoid :
That was a pretty short note! I was editing down because the note was getting hella long, and I inadvertently hit the "done" button at a moment when I somehow didn't realize that word "yes" was the only word remaining lol. Perhaps I'd best email you at some later time.
from musikoid :
Yes.
from chakra-nadi :
i hope your mom isn't like pat's dad. All this guy does is cause problems. he is a total waste.
from cherrygash :
Tried your password, it doesnt work. ?
from musikoid :
That is a TRIP that you & Flood are in the same State! That is *not* a coincidence. I don't know what it *is* -- but it's not a coincidence.
from musikoid :
And thanks for your prayers. No worries on the "thoughts and prayers" thing. I wouldn't be surprised if the Trump administration starts issuing automated "thoughts and prayers" tweets every time there's one of these horrible massacres.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your notes. Things have smoothed. Oh - and Norman is not *that* stoic. Just a rational type. He's not unfeelinhg or indifferent or anything like that - but I think you know I tend to hyperbolize here and also have an obscure sense of humor.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. I hope I could do right by those little turtles. I am not going to fight my brother over them, though. We will just have to wait and see in the summer when I go down there. I am just going to try and enjoy not having any sort of responsibility for a month for now.
from musikoid :
Oh okay, I assumed the recent entry was about the trial. I'll catch up soon -- gotta start making written lists in my old age.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I almost feel like I can't even say the expression "thoughts and prayers" anymore, being as it has been hijacked by the media recently, but thank you all the same. My mind is dizzy right now. Norman surprised me in counseling by encouraging me to go through with it, but only after I read portions of Jan's heart-felt letter to him, and he realized, being the intuitive fellow that he is, that surely this is the type of person who is custom-meant for Andy. I even saw a tear begin to form in the Stoic's eye. But when I called my sponsor Nick, he freaked. "Andy! It's a terrible idea! A terrible idea!" But what's done is done. Unless something else comes up that's more palatable, Jan is pretty much on her way.
from musikoid :
Wow - that would be kinda a trip if you & Flood were in the same State! I just saw that so had to comment.
from floodtide :
Thanks for your note - for all your notes and support and kind words. I looked at my stats and there's only one URL/web address I don't know the owner of, and it's in MICHIGAN. Are we in the same state?!?
from musikoid :
Sure thing, on the encouraging note. I hope that went well, I see you've updated (along with Flood and Illusionless) but I've only read Illusionless so far. It's also after two in the morning, but I wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. About the psych hospital, it was this place called Herrick where I wound up, oh God, maybe ten or fifteen times. In California they have what they call a 5150 that keeps you there on a 72-hour hold, but if they choose they can then add a 5250 to that which keeps for two more weeks. I was on the 5250 and trying to get out of it. Eventually it ran its course and they moved me to a halfway house. But like I said, I was in and out of Herrick so many times it wasn't funny. It seemed like the only way I could get adequate care while homeless, I wound up knowing all the mental health worker, both main psychiatrists, playing piano there, it was like a retreat for me at times. But the food sucked and there were no open windows for air (Cali stupid State law) so I would feel cooped up after a while and wish to be released to complete freedom and dignity.
from musikoid :
The hearing sounds like something I had to attend once and state my case, only in my case I was trying to demonstrate that I didn't need to stay locked up in the mental hospital. It didn't work and they kept me locked up in there. In your case, however, I think you are going to get your disability. There's too much medical evidence against your working, and I think that the judge, being compassionate, will probably approve your therapist for testifying. And it's good you have a compassionate judge. You're probably having to get up about now - I hope you were able to get some sleep. Good luck at the hearing.
from floodtide :
Thank you for the very loving and supportive notes. It was a hard day but a good one, with concrete steps to take from here out. Don't have time right now, but I'll tell you the story soon of how I finally broke my teddy bear habit. It took me a while, because I'd put him on the desk or chest across the room, then feel guilty because I was abandoning him and hurting his feelings. He'd be too lonely.
from floodtide :
I slept with my teddy bear until I was 13 years old.
from musikoid :
I'm so blown away by your writing on this last one, that a part of me wishes it could separate the strength of the writing virtues and gifts with the personality behind it and all the situations and influences that drive him, and of course in so doing the writing would lose all its appeal. I do want to say that it's so hard having to deal with the loss of your cat. You describe so vividly what a place he kept for you and how that place is vacant, and you are left dealing with the void. You are, however, grieving. It is impressive how you let yourself feel, and also give full life to your feelings, in well-chosen words.
from musikoid :
About the phlegmatics again, they're definitely a certain type that I have a very natural tendency to depend upon or rely on, seeing as their input is always so consistent and usually so valuable. I find myself alternately thinking that they must be "higher evolved" than I am, and thinking that life must be simple for them, almost as though they are leading charmed lives due to the simplicity with which their minds are able to access what for most of the rest of us is difficult or challenging information. One way or the other, they seem devoid of the internal intellectual complexities which make the paths of life a bit more circuitous for cholerics like myself, and possibly even boring for phlegmatics.
from cherrygash :
Um, id give u my email...can u delete the note then?
from floodtide :
Sorry I gave you such a fright. There are, of course, "real ovens" at Panera, and YES, the bread is fresh, every single day. (Nothing is ever sold that was baked more than about 12 hours ago at most.) The thing is, those ovens are big enough to walk into, since the breads are baked on tall baker's racks. They're not something into which you could put a pecan roll.
from chakra-nadi :
I remember you telling me about your sister having a breakdown. That's the kind of thing I hope to avoid by quitting the housekeeping job. I am glad she is doing better now. I painted myself into many different corners, which I didn't even know was possible, but I am going to do everything I can to fix my life. Thanks for your support.
from chakra-nadi :
I don't feel like an adult at all. I think I am just finally losing my mind. I am so sorry you have to go to your trial so soon! I can't believe it's March already. We have this OCD ritual we say here when we start freaking out. One of us will ask the other if they are OK. The other person will say "I have to be." You too will be OK, because you have to be. I will send good thoughts for a positive outcome for you.
from musikoid :
Glad you clarified. I was wondering about "Rock Scientist" lol. Almost sounds like a heavy metal technician.
from musikoid :
I know what you mean about the logical scientific types. They can be very grounding. They're "solid" and one gravitates toward that solidity. And they're generally not unfeeling, at the heart. But something about the enormity of the way that types like me have to process so many feelings in order to reach a place of functionality tends to baffle them, and this can seem insensitive at a certain level of disparity.
from chakra-nadi :
I did not get the impression at all that you were writing about me but I also do not want to make things worse for you. (I left this on my own notes at first. heh.)
from cherrygash :
Hey, whats ur password? How in the hell do i edit my profile? Thanks 4 the notes
from musikoid :
"A grumpy magic 8-ball at best." What an image...
from musikoid :
I keep thinking I'm going to get better, and I keep never getting any better. It's annoying.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks for saying you like the artwork. My whole bathroom has taken on a happysad dark forest theme over the last year. I do miss the old circus freak theme, but it was kind of played.
from chakra-nadi :
I won't let myself turn off my notes again. I need to get a thicker skin. But yeah, that guy was right around the corner waiting. Ironic.
from musikoid :
That's interesting, the synchronicity. I believe in those things. I've noticed it with some more than others (you're part of the 'some' not the 'others.') Thanks for catching up.
from musikoid :
Man I'm sorry about your cat. That's two important cats who just died in my life within a week. I'm really sorry. Hang in there.
from musikoid :
I'm more worried about you today than I have been on previous days. Haven't heard from you in a while and I hope you're okay. Praying.
from musikoid :
I agree with Flood and feel that the John Irving counsel is very wise. I'm somehow not as worried about you as I was earlier. But I definitely will be praying. Email me if you want to. Also, thanks for your two brief notes and the compliments on my writing. I write stream-of-consciousness on DiaryLand, but it seems that I'm on a good roll on WordPress too, where I edit very carefully (though still not quite enough for the sake of clarity.) I'm sure that sobriety has a lot to do with it, in my case.
from floodtide :
As John Irving wrote: "Keep passing the open windows." You have people who love you, who are pulling for you, who value you. I am one of them.
from musikoid :
I hope you're okay, Jack. I do have faith in you, and also in the process of journaling around the darker feelings. But some of the sentences are such that it's not possible for a person who cares about you not to be more concerned than usual. I believe you're going to be okay - and generally are - an okay guy, despite sometime self-images to the contrary. But I still hope you're okay, at this time.
from musikoid :
Meant, "more ways than one." I was very tired at the moment of leaving that note, but wanted to make sure I got back to you. Thanks for your thoughtful note regarding my feeling embarrassed about the entry and suspecting I might remove it later. I think it's best to let such words remain. In general, I probably am too quick to destroy my writing. I'm prompted to do so by the sheer bulk of it, which to me suggests it might be pruned for higher quality content. But I get that this somewhat defies the concept of a diary. I actually wrote further on the theme, and elaborated on elements of it that I felt had not yet been fully developed. But I'm going to take the obsession seriously enough to surrender it now, at least for the time being, till it be put into perspective (if and when.) I could easily completely fall; I've fallen before; I've let a lot of good things go for the sake of pursuing a powerful dream. And even among dreams, there are those more worthy of pursuit. This dreaming around the divine wonder woman of the hour may well make for good poetry, or maybe even good music & lyrics. But it's not likely it will make for good life. Just a pipe dream with a stronger set of pipes than most.
from floodtide :
Forgive me, please, for never responding to your previous notes. Kept meaning to, but only sporadically because I so rarely THINK about notes at all, and only very occasionally do I even check my notes page. Looked at it today and remembered I never told you that *I* have those "tooth" dreams often, too. I'll feel a loose tooth or something, then look in the mirror and suddenly all my teeth are cracked or broken and bloody and suddenly they're falling out, one after another, nothing I do helps but more and more of them loosen and crumble and fall. Always terrifies me. Sobriety finally seems to be sticking, God have mercy and/or knock on wood. I'm ashamed that I started the program six months ago but only have less than two months I can say I've been clean. Trying not to think of it as failure. Love, flood
from musikoid :
Sorry I've been kinda inconsistent on my notes policy. I mainly just wanted to clear out old archaic notes and start afresh. So yes, they're on now. About the cold weather, it definitely helps to layer, in more ways the one.
from musikoid :
I use dishwashing detergent all the time if I run out of shampoo. Doesn't seem to work the other way around, however, I've noticed. Also, if you're changing your underwear, you're one step ahead of Yours Truly. We all gave up on the idea of bothering with underpants when we lived on the streets, it was way too much of a hassle obtaining them and keeping them clean. We wore bluejeans and no one was the wiser. I finally confessed to Norman that this was the case, and he said he would help me obtain underwear. It had to be obvious anyway, since (as I think I mentioned) I went through the entire job interview at First Pres with my fly open. They were too polite to say anything, and I noticed it the moment I walked out the door.
from musikoid :
I agree, but the problem is that tweakers who have gotten arrested are Court-ordered by the Judge to attend A.A. or N.A. meetings. They come with these Court slips that they have the secretaries sign. So there's really no avoiding their presence at the Recovery Center, due to the many meetings that are held there. The idea from our point of view is that perhaps exposure to the principles of recovery will help them to turn their heads around. But in my case, as I've often stated, I'm still into avoiding tweakers wherever possible, because for me, it's very slippery ground.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note. I realized this later as well. About being closer to getting my musical to happen on some level. This is why I've eased up a bit about how I can't ever seem to afford to package it. It probably will suit me well to slow down about it all. So much going on these days, and I suffer from a need for personal space, even as I have it. The tweakers are starting to show up at the Recovery Center, in varying stages of recovery and non-recovery, and it's too easy for me to default to tweaker-style conversations with them, smile to smile, all for the sake of drugs. I left the N.A. meetings at the hospital for that reason. They don't seem in general to hang on to recovery very easily, and they tend to assume that I'm not either - that even as they see me working at the Center, I must still on some level be looking for drugs. I think a solution might be for me to show up only at my designated times for a while, and not hang out there so much off-hours.
from musikoid :
No worries about blowing up my notes. I might be the worst offender in that department - I sometimes think I type faster than I think (and I think faster than most, albeit scatterbrained at times.) I skipped that meeting today and have been looking for a Saturday evening meeting. I've encountered people like K. before throughout my life, and they tend to make me uncomfortable, in and out of recovery. The sort of person who is so unusually controlled they never seem to let loose in anyway. For that reason they are suspect, as though hiding something. Also, legalism in any form tends to go against my grain. I guess I'm too much of a "free spirit" for that. On the other stuff, I've been feeling much better today, all day, after getting my sleep schedule back to its normal matinal mode. I'm compelled to email you some work I did this morning on my 4th Step, which my sponsor says is *okay* -- but he cautions me not to spread myself too thin that way, since we in the A.A. program are about becoming "right-sized." (In other words, I wanted to email it to about ten people, but I only emailed it to my sponsor Nick and my former sponsor Howard. But if you don't mind receiving two hours worth of introspective, you're a third person who is likely to gain from it and have productive feedback. I will, however, stop there.
from musikoid :
For me, there seem to be different levels or brands of insomnia. What I've got tonight - up at 2:22 am, when usually I'm in bed by 9 and up at 4 - isn't technically "insomnia," because my system finally broke down from lack of sleep and crashed hard from after lunch at 1 pm till about 7 at night. So this feels like daytime to me. I've been creative and in good spirits. But I also know that as the hours go on, the more uptight I will become after a certain point, if I don't get some sleep. That's the next level of insomnia, the one I had two nights ago. I sure hope it doesn't happen. But I doubt if I can get to sleep.
from musikoid :
Right. Another very vulnerable time occurs during late nights of insomnia, such as I experienced recently. Look how messed up I got - (am referring to the "Insidious Insomnia" entry, of course) - could this possibly have happened in the daytime, on a week day, when I could have readily accessed support?
from musikoid :
Thanks again for your notes, which were exceptionally right on this morning. I didn't remember MLK Day until I tried to make an appointment with my therapist and realized the clinic was closed. Not that I don't love Martin Luther King or that he doesn't deserve to be memorialized, but my immediate thought (as with all these holidays) was: "Oh no! This again! What else is going to be closed? All right, I know the bank and library are closed, so they're out. What about the Co-Op? What about the coffee house? Am I supposed to go into the Center today? I better all my boss..." Weekends and holidays are the worst for me as far as my recovery is concerned, and like I said, I'm just going to have to come up with an action plan. This is also causing me to realize how dependent I have become on the folks at the Recovery Center on Mondays thru Fridays. That is good in one way, and not in another.
from musikoid :
That's interesting that it popped into your head during meditation, round about the time I had stuff going on. I find this happens with increasing frequency when one or more are getting onto the spiritual beam. About weekends and holidays, I've never done well with either. The Recovery Center closes down on the weekends, and of course everything shuts down on Sunday nights. I'll have to come up with a strategy...
from musikoid :
All three of the facets you cited apply: (1) over-elation regarding the upcoming workshop; (2) ongoing non-linear recovery from an illicit chemical known to severely fuck with one's biorhythms; & (3) simple insomnia, runs in the family. I would add (4) Bipolar One Disorder, sloppily treated. I aim to learn from this experience, and apply what I've learned responsibly. In a way, I am grateful that it happened, because I was starting to let "self-will run riot" (as the say in the program), and clandestinely plot my removal from the Recovery Center and the Church, already quitting the Choir (which this morning I un-quit), and planning to remove anything and everything other than this long-awaited workshop from my life. Of course, had I shelved my other elements of life-support, the workshop would no doubt have suffered. So I'm glad I came to my senses, and can adjust my priorities accordingly. I of course know you and trust you, regarding things like 9-1-1 calls, but since it's happened more than once in my experience when I have been in a similarly manic state and have started to release my phone number somewhat indiscrimately, I had to make a statement. And the statement itself was manic - everything in the "Insidious Insomnia" email reflected that mania. This is why I kept it and posted it. I can learn from it. About that guy Jerry, he's a very isolated person with very few friends, by preference. Lives alone in a big house with a lot of musical instruments and a studio, reclusive Artist type. He smokes maintenance marijuana daily, and my experience is that people who indulge that substance regularly over a number of years (his entire lifetime, since high school, him being in his late 50's), tend to develop warped perceptions, paradigms, and paranoias. Enough said. I feel for him.
from musikoid :
Hey Jack, thanks for your notes. On the coffee, it somewhat astounds me how the single "cup" I've been drinking every morning, in reality equivalent to a quart of coffee, has come to feel like only *one* cup. I wolf it down, and immediately want more. I am unable however, physiological, to down much more of the brew. My system shuts down, I slow down, I reject it -- "ooh, tastes terrible!" Just goes to show you, it's all relative. Yes, the E-in-B workshop is thrilling. I still can't seem to connect with Frat Boy on the flyers however, I think he's in one of his funks. The plan is to get them done, then submit them to Kelly, who will approve of them & of the character descriptions for the email, then simultaneously we will put the flyers up all over campus and she'l issue the call via email to all undergrad and grad theatre art students in the department. It's pretty exciting.
from catsoul :
1-13-18. Good Morning. Your latest writing I just got done reading. What you wrote is what I feel a lot myself. The only place for me that is peaceful is wandering out in the Woods around here. I do a lot of mediating out in the Woods. I leave to go for walks or a bike ride thinking I will only be gone about an hour, and when I return back home, sometimes 3 or more hours has gone by. Finding your peaceful place in the world helps us to feel whole and happy with ourselves for a time. Then repeat. Lately in the Winter months when it is too cold to wander I find myself with so much self doubt. It would seem as one ages, myself being 62 now, there wouldn't be too much self doubt, though speaking for myself there is. I just want you to know, you aren't alone, and I so felt the connection of what you wrote in your entry. Thank you for what and how beautifully you wrote. Peace Out. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Check your email.
from musikoid :
I know I was feeling really hard on myself that morning. It had something to do with a promise I'd made to read a certain book, a book by someone in the program, actually, and my not believing I could finish the book. I did finish it - first book I've finished cover to cover in many years. It was actually very engaging reading, but to the point here, thank you for absolving me of not remembering. I sort of sensed the Old Antagonist would be your father - I think we can both fairly safely characterize our fathers as antagonistic, to put it mildly. Well - good to hear from you. I'm going to update in a bit here.
from papotheclown :
I have decided to take more than a few steps back from her. Now that I am less emotional, I can see how horribly toxic she was for me. I am moving on. Thank you for your kind words and your support.
from musikoid :
The Old Antagonist? I'm dense this morning, and believing that everyone else is an excellent reader, and that my reading disability will keep me from getting the degree in sociology here at U.I. just the way it kept me from getting the degree in philosophy at U.C.Davis. Banking on the idea that the sociology readings will be for the most part shorter and easier to comprehend.
from catsoul :
morning. I keep checking to see if you unlocked, you haven't. I thought I saved your PW. Nope. So may I ask for your PW. Thank you. My email is: ambereyesforyou@yahoo.com
from floodtide :
You are not unloved. I have come to cherish you, and even when you write from a place of pain it makes me smile to see your name lit up in red on my page. "Oo, I get to feel a little close to Jack today." I don't know who you are, or where you live, or what you do, or how old you are, but I know that I have a friend in you; please know that you have one in me. One who cares and, yes, loves you.
from musikoid :
No need to apologize, my friend. You're not the only one who confused my issue. It was my bad for not elaborating sufficiently. What I've decided is that I can continue to compose entries here, it's just that nobody will see them. I'll do the "housecleaning," and then like-as-not return at a convenient time. The benefits of journaling here are too vast to let go of. But Andrew does need to fix that feature. I'm tired of pestering him, and I'm sure not going to kiss the guy's ass. (Not that it would work anyway.) He's doing things on his own time, if he does them, and there really isn't a whole lot any of us can do. I'm sure you and I will always keep in touch via email.
from musikoid :
None of the people who seem to be scoffing at my personal choice are from DiaryLand. It's just that it's causing me to realize that some choices are too personal to be openly broadcast, or even privately discussed except among those who know me very well (and vice-versa). You'd be the last person to judge me on such a choice, and I think this is clear. Blotting out my template now, easiest quick fix. Might change my mind later but I need to get focused. Sometimes I feel like the stupidest smart guy in the world. But old habits die hard. Love you, Jack.
from musikoid :
I mean the log on password, not the lock/unlock feature. Doesn't work on any browser irrespective of cookie clearing. I get an error message that reads "Not Found. The requested URL /edit/changepassword.pl.phtml was not found on this server."
from musikoid :
I'd never done Seattle's Best before. I checked, and this one is No. 3. Excellent coffee, drinking it down right now, as a matter of fact.
from musikoid :
I am moved by your note, Jack. I think I will write down those words on a large sheet of paper and tape them to the wall in front of my desk top. Thank you.
from floodtide :
Which, of course, makes no less sense at all than "Bob's your uncle."
from floodtide :
That was a quote of one of my all-time favorite Dave Barry columns, a piece based on his first trip to London. He's complaining about how, even though "they've learned how to speak some English over there," they're constantly using completely baffling phrases such as (he's asked how to get to Buckingham Palace) "You just nip up the Weckersham," then you "pop 'round the gorn-and-scumbles," and finally "Jack's a doughnut, there you are!" His response: "Jack's a DOUGHNUT?!?"
from musikoid :
Let me resend the user-pass.
from musikoid :
Pretty sure I sent you an email on the password change. Merry Christmas to you as well...
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. I think it was largely physiological and had something to do with running (suddenly increasing the distance and speed of my workouts). That may sound trite or dismissive, but at the very least it was the catalyst.
from musikoid :
Definitely *not* getting ready to do it. That's why I'm saying don't worry. Closer to making peace with the idea.
from musikoid :
I'm not sure what's happening either. They say it's not uncommon at this point in sobriety (100+ days). Then again, they say a lot of things. I think I ran too far too fast maybe, and it was mind-altering. But that's the surface trigger stuff. I don't know about the wound. Somewhere between right wing fundamentalist brainwash and a constantly disappointed dad with a military bent. That's my guess anyway. I'll talk to my sponsor at 3 pm - but whatever he says is also only a suggestion. I heard from -- well, I'm talking too much. I don't know what's up, I just feel really strange and different. If I do die, it's okay you know.
from musikoid :
I'm all right now. Yesterday was very strange. She always calls in the morning when she's driving to work, and even before she called, I was at about the level of depression that strikes maybe 3 days out of the year. It was mostly physiological (prolonged lack of sleep combined with the stress of sudden multiple mandatory activities, some of which keep me up past my bedtime.) I told her I was in an unusual state, and she being concerned was trying to help me. But somehow in my state of mind, I could not believe I could ever do the things she thought would help. I was too depressed and they seemed overwhelming to me. When I exploded, it wasn't so much at her, but just sort of at life. I hadn't been awake for very long, had awakened with no coffee filters in the house, had been spacing all kinds of things out left and right due to lack of sleep and stress, and basically felt as though my brain was decaying. This led to my thinking that I will never be able to accomplish my life's goal of producing my musical, or even of finding singers for the demo - which has been dragging on since I finished the first draft in March. Nobody in my life believes the impossibility I've been having of trying to find anybody who will sing my parts for the demo, I don't have any money to *buy* singers, no one wants to sing for free, my music is a shade on the complex, traditional musical theatre side, and considering all the obstacles and laptop thefts and of course THE BIG ONE that set me back for over three years, it can on occasion be very depressing. However, that's life. Usually I'm more optimistic. But my life's goal is a pretty huge one. Makes me wish I'd written a novel sometimes, and not a full-scale musical with a cast of 23. I keep postponing other nice projects that pop into my head because I feel like I've GOT to put all my energy toward producing this show - and it somehow never happens. I hid in Clouds & Bubbles for five months over my inability to get anyone interested in my project, and I'm 99 days sober today, and I basically don't want that to happen again. Other stuff I wrote about in my recent entry. + I've also not been trying to ignore you either, I've just been overwhelmed. I haven't even been calling my sponsor regularly, and he's been calling to check in with me, somewhat concerned, though he still feels I'm on the right track. But I've been postponing my 4th Step for stress, have only gotten three of the "resentments" down, and am basically at the stage where I'm still so mad at some of these people that I feel like bcc'ing the 4th Step to them just to let them know exactly how they betrayed me. However, the good news is that all these problems are in my head. My life itself, all things told, is better than it's ever been. I've got it good in this town, I've got an apartment so big in an area so quiet, it's hard to even fathom how much better this is than where I was about three years to this date, when I was begging my brother for money for a night in a motel room while in a thunderstorm, and he was denying my request on the basis of telling me I was too critical of the people who were "most compassionate" toward me (meaning him and P.H., which is a laugh.) Damn Jack I'm sorry I haven't had a cup of coffee yet and I'm getting mad just thinking about those calloused assholes. They should lose everything THEY had and land on the streets and see what it does to THEIR mental health. OH: "You could get youself out of homelessness if you really wanted to." What a crock of crap. That hole is so deep you have to have been there to know how hard it is to climb out of. My brother had a spare room in his house a half a mile from where I was sleeping on a church stairwell, and he wouldn't let me stay there. So WHO exactly is "uncompassionate?" I only did what I wrote about in my long entry last night once in my life. But a Sicilian is a Sicilian, and it did work, and it did get the guy to listen to me. For hours on end, in fact. It was quite gratifying. Merry Christmas. + So anyway I will talk with my sponsor Nick at 9 am this morning. Maybe it's too early for a 4th Step. I went out over a 4th Step once before, and that was during Christmas season too. Might be better for that Step to be postponed till after the stressful holiday season, if all it's going to do is dredge up old resentments at a time when things are going remarkably well, and it's high time I let go.
from floodtide :
Thanks for your new note (re: Step Four). After my meeting this morning I went to breakfast with my sponsor and he gave me some worksheets for the Fourth Step and some suggestions about how to work with them/it. This is not, he emphasized, an exercise in self-flagellation or condemnation (at both of which, I assure you, I am a seasoned and experienced expert) but in looking at habits that have resulted in hurting other people. As pretty much always I needed to be reminded "not to overthink" it. And don't worry, he said, about going to deep; "you'll get to do this again." This morning's meeting was ostensibly begun on the themes of hope and trust and - oh, hell, something else, I can't remember. But it quickly became about what other people think of you. Reminded me of a ghastly incident from early adolescence that pretty much sums up my upbringing: I'm going to write about it in an entry, but the event details aren't as important as the message, and - even more - that such messages have talons that dig deep and grip and tear for life.
from floodtide :
That affirmation is part of a breath and voice warm-up created by a DLT colleague of mine who heads the voice program in the Drama department at North Carolina School of the arts. A sigh on breath leads to a sigh on sound - just "uhhhhhh...." That leads to an effortlessly breathed "I...." "I am...." I. Am. Me." "I am me, and I am here." "I am me, and I am here, and that is good. It comforts me. Thanks for continuing to read, and for your very lovely notes. XO
from floodtide :
Yes, of course, that was a typo: was supposed to be satiny. I laughed when I saw it. I think I've fixed it.
from papotheclown :
Thanks. I can't really say that I have the feeling that this is all the beginning of something great, but I really want to have that feeling. And maybe the desire for the feeling will be enough. Today though, I am hiding under the blankets
from musikoid :
The holidays definitely accent that emptiness. I'd have rather stayed home on Thursday. Going out to my pastor's farm was nothing more than an obligation. People whom I didn't know were there, just whoever happened not to have any other Thanksgiving lined up (although I did have the one on Tuesday, but Norman didn't know that when he invited me.) While there was something genuine and not-forced about the Tuesday event, this one seemed contrived, obligatory, and interminable. On Tuesday people came up to talk with me because they *wanted* to talk with me. The Thursday thing was that people approached each other because they felt required to do so. I also can relate to functioning better socially on a one to one basis. I have always been like that, which is another reason why the Tuesday event was so rare. In any case, I definitely feel the sense of emptiness or isolation more during the holiday season -- this one in particular, for I also disdain the constant topic. If someone even retweets something from POTUS, I immediately block them. Enough is enough.
from musikoid :
Then you know the cocoon I mean.
from chakra-nadi :
sunset here is at 4:37 today. and it will just keep getting earlier, minute by minute until the solstice. So I guess be happy you aren't further north. maybe make sure you are getting enough vitamin d3 since you are not getting much sun with sleeping so much.
from chakra-nadi :
sorry to hear you are still not feeling well. try not to be too hard on yourself about needing rest. "sleep is nature's balm". Glad you could enjoy the quotes i posted.
from floodtide :
Thanks, friend. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. I was glad to come to D-land tonight and see that you'd posted, even if much of what you're experiencing is painful and frightening right now. I'd rather hear from you than not. Hope tomorrow you can have some time to feel more peaceful. I'm done cooking for the night and will be up early tomorrow morning to do more. XO
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. I was in a slump for a while, but it looks like I'm on the upswing once again.
from musikoid :
Yes, it's all very good news. My friend Lynne said the same thing, in different words, that I appear to be managing the mania fairly well, all things considered. Now it's just a matter of keeping it up.
from peggypenny :
I have sensitive hearing. Can I share how I help myself? For away little me me me sounds that are annoying and I can't put my mind away from them... Headphones and favorite dream fantasy. I have to mentally image create all the details. Every fine detail. The color of my toe nail polish. Yes, that detailed. My fantasy dream is better, stronger, more what I like then that little annoying ... hum? oh, I'm in my fantasy completely 4 dee now. I can even smell my dream fantasy. Awe ... Exactly right. awe awe awe....... phew
from musikoid :
That must be it about the saline. When I looked it up I was thrown because everything came up about some injection. He did say they were concerned about an infection. (Yes, first word was "injection" not "infection.") So I became confused. But I'm sort of in a confused state anyway right now. I'm sure my toe is fine, I ran OK. It sounds like you're gradually getting back on the good foot, which I'm glad.
from musikoid :
That's all right, Jack. Take care of yourself. You've always been more than supportive. I don't think I've caught your very last entry, but I'll be sure to note you once I do. Again, take of you. You're worth it.
from chakra-nadi :
people like me don't get to have help. we have to help ourselves.
from papotheclown :
Thanks for the password, friend. I have no real advice for you, but I am here with you as best as I can be.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just read your locked "for now" entry, and I gotta say, if I had a twin, it would be you, dude. I get Internet-paranoid a lot, and to just the extent you describe. It does pass, and I'm not convinced that you're headed toward a psychotic breakdown. It's extremely strong when it's happening, and the scary thing is that it's not exactly *just* paranoia. Google and Microsoft and Facebook ARE tracking us. They do it because they have the power to do so. But as far as, how this affects our lives? It doesn't seem to. They are tracking ALL of us, and that is so much information, that it's highly unlikely they will single out any one of us, for any reason that will actually affect our day-to-day. But I can totally relate to the fear, I remember just last week when they wouldn't let me post something that had complained about the Facebook Messenger and other interface annoyances, asking if others felt the same thing or if I were alone on the matter. You and I discussed this. They didn't explain; they didn't put up a pop-up saying I had violated a T.O.S. - probably because I hadn't. Their spiders just picked up something that seemed anti-Facebook (even though if reads carefully, I was basically only making "I statements" and saying that if others don't have this problem, more power to them.) Somehow it bugged them enough to remove my postings. I've had weird experiences with Google as well, and Microsoft too. Not so much Twitter or WordPress, though. IDK Jack. Best thing to do, in my humble opinion, is log off the damn social media and smell the roses. But I wanted to let you know I relate. I get paranoid too. But a new day dawns.
from floodtide :
Got it, thanks. Wasn't sure who "beigenova" was at first, but after a moment's thought I had a guess. So sorry that you are hurting so deeply, and so sorry that I can't be there in person at least to wrap you in a hug and offer love. You are in my thoughts.
from musikoid :
I don't think there is a bipolar 3. Bipolar 4 means that a manic episode is triggered by an anti-depressant without any prior instance of bipolar disease in the patient. My therapist in Berkeley told me that he did not believe I was bipolar, but that I am ADHD, and that the manic episode in 2004 was induced by a psychiatric medication, simulating the effects of a bipolar manic episode, without my actually being bipolar. A psychiatrist in Berkeley whom I only saw once said the same thing. But Dr. Rienze insisted I was bipolar. The other two said that the bipolar symptoms were simulated as a result of substance abuse. But Rienze said that people who are bipolar often make erratic decisions when in a manic phase, one of which is to use dangerous substances. Because of the ping pong effect, I used these statements to fortify my then lack of faith in psychiatry. Today, perfectly clean and sober, I am less resentful and more objective. Therefore I have decided that I am both ADHD and Bipolar One Hypomanic. As far as medication? The jury's still out. God knows it has NEVER helped. But the jury's out because I haven't given Prayer, Meditation, and a positive change in lifestyle a sufficient fair go.
from chakra-nadi :
well i don't know if i feel like taking pics of my coats but I was considering posting images of the art I've been doing.
from musikoid :
I must have missed an entry of years, as I see the previous noter alluded to your writing again. I'll catch up. By the way, I didn't realize the DSM-5 was out. I wonder if Bipolar Four is included...
from papotheclown :
I am glad you are writing again.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. It always feels good to finally speak my mind, so long as I do so in good taste. Facebook wouldn't let it post. I tried five times in different ways. Probably their spiders caught some kind of "anti-Facebook" element, but if read carefully the statements are largely I-statements referring to my own neuro-physiological difficulties with FB and social media, and I was not implicating Facebook so much as stating my own personal predilections and social philosophy. Then again, Facebook is obviously opposed to my social philosophy, as are many people (especially social media addicts who spend all their time on those god-awful smart phones.) I have a flip phone myself. It's not nearly as stressful, but I really would like to invest in a land line and go Rotary for the home phone. By the way, I posted it on WordPress which automatically posts everything onto my Facebook and the spiders failed to detect it. Cleaned it up only in that I removed caps that looked like I was yelling and replaced the F-Word. It reads stronger that way, less of a rant, and more of a well-thought out social statement. It's getting attention, too - I think it's one of my better posts. https://edeninbabylon.com/2017/10/29/by-nature/
from papotheclown :
And that is both deeply romantic and tragic at the same time. I told a friend that my thing with my ghost felt like a Victorian romance novel or a story that you'd hear about Van Gogh or something. We are both clearly drawn to each other, but still can't figure out how to be together. And that sounds like you and your ghost. I obviously have no solution to this problem. I try to resist writing her, but there are times when it feels every molecule in my being will explode if I don't. I guess I just accept that this will be yet another unsatisfied longing that I just have to live with now.
from musikoid :
Agreed on all counts. Frat Boy was hurt when I first went out in April, he loves me and he couldn't believe I had *that* problem. I've noticed that I haven't seen the cab driver around lately either -- he's usually inescapable if I walk the streets of this small town at night. Maybe they took care of him. Norman said the other day that a report had been filed, but the police were in the process of gathering evidence. About my lifelong friend, I've noticed that he's a lot more likely to put his faith in a compendium of doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists than in, say, a sense of God in his life, or counselors made up of good trusted friends. So he is somewhat the opposite of me in that sense. I'm probably at the other extreme, where I feel that if I have to *pay* for someone's help, and they're making *money* off of me, then it probably isn't true help, because they're doing it for the money, and not for me. I realize that may be extreme, but between the two extremes, I prefer my own.
from papotheclown :
It was possibly just as hard to write as it was to read. I told a friend that I am definitely feeling the "hopeless" part of being a "hopeless romantic." And I get not wanting to write the ghost back. I will eventually have to stop writing mine back as well. We are holding on for something, you and I. I hope we both find it soon.
from musikoid :
I can't help but have noticed in the past 51 days of no mind-altering agents, save the relatively brief and very forgettable deviation with marijuana, that I am much *much* more spaced out & all-over-the-map then ever before. Funny how the different chemicals affect different people differently. Also, at different times in my life, things like alcohol and marijuana have had different effects on me. I am convinced now that for me, absolutely sobriety is the finest state, though I doubt I'll give up my caffeine. I do notice that even one cup of coffee can trigger mania on certain days. But all in all, I feel that my challenge is to retrain my mind, with the help of God, so that none of these external chemical agents will be of any real usefulness. I think it's happening slowly for me, and as they say in Christianity and in Alcoholics Anonymous, one day at a time.
from musikoid :
I also know what you mean about focusing *better* when you're under the influence. That hasn't been my experience with alcohol per se, but it's definitely my experience with marijuana. It's still a struggle with me, because the times I've done it before Choir or playing at the church, people always compliment me that I seem more focused and am doing a better job. Some people even said: "Now you're finally getting it, and putting in the subtleties that show us your true devotion." Then I feel guilty because I know in my heart that it's coming from marijuana, and not from God -- or even from a manifestation of my true inner self, taking "God" out of the picture, for the sake of clear communication. Then, since it's supposed to be the "House of God" I feel terribly guilty for relying on a substance to feign true devotion. (Not to mention, I run out of weed and it costs money and a trip to another State to obtain it.)
from musikoid :
The Invasion of the Cockroaches. There were more of them every time I walked through the door.
from floodtide :
Thank you so much for your recent two notes. You are helping more than you know. Another regular reader was bothered enough about my concerns to ask a longtime AA friend, who insisted that I do it ALL or I'm not going it. My sponsor calls these people "Big-Book Thumpers." They begin many of their sentences at meetings with "You HAVE to...." I don't like sentences that begin that way, ever. I'll get around to my own solution, eventually, but one truth you raise is a big one: being honest with myself. If I'm honest with myself, I won't collect a 90-day coin on Saturday. Thanks for reading, for your friendship. XO
from musikoid :
I was in a mood - well more than just a mood - I went into the total void of meaninglessness, randomness, and futility. But it didn't last long. I know I have the support I need - I'm not sure what was wrong with me. It was triggered by the "Erika" thing - not the lady I crushed on, but our Music Director -- she's young and she said something that kind of stung. She meant well but it triggered me and reopened an old wound. I'm much better now. It's good to hear from you Jack, and don't stress on my account. You're a good man.
from musikoid :
Maybe, but I still ought to check with another person to see if the links work with them. It's still possible that I'm only linking to local files, inadvertently.
from musikoid :
I checked the last seven links. They're all Chloe Howl, all but one is from her sound cloud, I think the most recent one is to a you tube. I think maybe in the past if I linked you to a sound cloud it didn't work. But I don't know if that means it's only working on *my* computer, I've not heard anyone say.
from musikoid :
On sending E.in.B. - thanks, Jack. It may be up to ten days. That's how long the revision that I *foresee* will take. The trick will be in curbing the tendency to want to take off on revisions that I *don't* foresee, as they become known to me while I'm in the process of making the revisions that I *do* foresee. In that case, it might be several months to a year before I send it to you. I'll try to make it quick.
from musikoid :
Yes, I'm speechless about the apartment. It's just wonderful news, and words fail me. About the script, give me a few days. It's just that I *know* certain things *must* change, and I've merely been lax about going in and making the adjustments. I promise I won't dally.
from musikoid :
Oh Jack, I just saw your two notes relating to E.in.B - I can send a copy of the completed script to beigenova if you like.
from musikoid :
So she triggered you, and this is what has resulted in your mania? Actually, it's been seeming like you are having a "mixed episode" with depressive symptoms as well - staying in bed for a long time, and that sort of thing. But I finally realize how much of it is wrapped up in this key external figure. No, she did not cause your mental illness. But something in the energy, you and her, catalyzed the state you are in -- and you're right. Resolving what is between you and her will not necessarily end the mania. I don't know what meds they have you on, but a friend of mine was helped by lamictal in a very similar situation. I don't mean to be "clinical" - these are my immediate thoughts. I actually was engaged throughout your entry, despite an admitted sense of scatteredness. It was one of my favorite entries of yours. I so identify with the place you are in - I slept for five days once over "her."
from floodtide :
So sorry that you are in so much pain, and so frustrated that I can only read in imnpotent silence - that I can't hug you, or call you, or offer you anything than the love I'm sending here. I wish you could have been here this weekend. I think you would have found a little . . . I don't know. Solace, maybe. That is probably naive and perhaps even presumptuous. But you are in my heart.
from musikoid :
Got your two notes. I hope you've gotten over feeling like a horrible person. You're obviously not horrible, as seen from an external perspective. So obviously something internal is driving you to this unfortunate feeling. I guess I wonder *why* you feel like you're horrible. But you don't have to say. I feel like a horrible person sometimes, and though it makes sense to me why I should feel this way, I can almost never explain it to others in such a way that would sway them as to the validity of that self-image. ++ On the subject of medication, I'm beginning to think I need a bipolar med, and since I'm not willing at this time to go through two weeks of adjustment (with dizziness or lightheadness, itching, maybe a rash, sleep abnormalities, and so forth), maybe I should just go back on the Depakote for a while and take the acid reflux meds as needed. It would put me up to three pills, which to me is odious, but at least I would know my evils. I'm working on a needed second draft to my EinB show, hopefully the final draft. There are issues with the initial draft, but they are not nearly so severe as the issues with my last musical, which I rewrote 31 times and still don't like. This one, I like. But the point is, I tend to become *extremely* manic during the musical-playwriting process. Something about the juxtaposition of music, text, and lyrics thrills me to dangerous heights, and I sometimes can't even sleep at night, nor take my mind off of the process when it would be customarily expected for me to do so. Meds helped last time, smoothing out some of the ultra-highs.
from musikoid :
Just want to let you know I haven't forgotten you, Jack. I still mean to reply to the two substantial emails, and now I see a new entry as well. Just dealing with emerging stuff on my end, I'm having to start making lists again to make sure I stay on track with everything.
from musikoid :
I see you're online right now (if you get this), and so I'm just letting you know I'm reading your entries right now. Yeah - you had been getting close to the Sacred, or to the Spirit. I'm two thirds way through the first one. I'll get back to you.
from musikoid :
Got your three notes. There must be some truth to the saying "it's always darkest before the dawn." I was easily at a depth of depression that was completely unfamiliar to me. The next day, I took seriously my morning measures to work myself into a better space (gratitude list, etc.), and after the first hour of the day, I felt as though I was "in the clear." I've since thought it's probably about time for me to take my doctor & therapist up on their offer for me to try a new mood stabilizer, in lieu of the last one having given me acid reflux. I also got the reflux two days in a row last week *without* the medication having triggered it (probably an overdose of Mexican food while flushed). So I know it isn't *just* the medication having caused it. ++ About the classmate having committed suicide, I am certain it was shocking to everyone. On reviewing the raw data, however, I'm not surprised. I think a lot of people try to "rise above" their difficulties by squeezing a plastic smile onto their faces 24/7, but in that type of reaction formation, they deny their unresolved issues. Eventually, they come back to snag them. I've lost two friends to suicide, and in each case, it was completely unexpected. One thing about me is that I *don't* and *won't* suppress my emotions. If anything, I am on occasion too effusive in their expression. But I have a strong heart, and it hasn't failed me yet.
from musikoid :
Also you've tuned into 'chakra-nadi' who has an interesting public diary. She's another one of those intense, existential intellectual sorts, somewhat out of sorts, somehow. I've been reading her lately but haven't really had anything to say. I'm glad she turned her notes back on, however.
from musikoid :
I did get three emails from you, and I replied to one of them, I think. I've been in a very low funk myself, not sure what to make of it. I'm just kind of praying things somehow pick up soon, or at least my mood will, if nothing else around me. It's getting to where I fear my bad mood is infectious to others, which adds guilt on top of everything else. Considering the idea that we all might have a social responsibility to remain in good spirits, so as not to be a downer in the eyes of those who couldn't care less anyway. Or something like that.
from chakra-nadi :
Medication has its place. Hopefully someday you can get to a place where you won't need it. ... Mostly I was just writing poetry, but we have worked very hard to make an urban forest here. We do harvest many native plants. Usually we can go out into the yard and pick dinner out of the grass. It's not the usual American yard. We try to keep the front yard presentable and try not to draw too much attention, but our back yard is pretty wild, yet maintained. I'm sure there is some magic there somewhere.
from musikoid :
Good to hear, Jack. I've been sending good thoughts your way as well.
from chakra-nadi :
you get stared at because you are a freak, you know that right? :)
from papotheclown :
my email is thedreadpoetryan@gmail.com. Looking forward to reading about the dream.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack (about hope).
from papotheclown :
The "do not awaken love before it is ready" verse was always explained to me to mean "don't have sex before marriage." But I like my interpretation better, especially the couple in Song of Solomon (where that verse comes from) were not married and most definitely fucking. I am very curious about your dream. I look forward to reading about it.
from minstrelite :
I love the way you word your compliments, Jack.
from musikoid :
Yes, I do that too (leave a note for myself). It squeezes the previous note out, so long as you've already taken measures to delete it. Sent you a G-list, I think a bunch of people were inadvertently removed, so you might not have gotten one for a day or two. About to busk, nervous, wish I could up and leave this town. Just - tired of it all. We'll have to talk about 'magical thinking' at a differnet time/place. Worried about Echo. Wrote in depth to Jan. Told T.J. I'd give him 25% off the top if he'd go through the effort to land me a piano bar gig. Hear there's a piano bar in a city in Washington State eight miles West of here. Might not be a bad dodge. Manic. Pissed. It's usually not God talking through the air conditioner, but some weird radio broadcast. A bunch of guys speak to me when I'm taking a leak, too. Namaste.
from papotheclown :
At least we aren't alone in all this. That is at least something
from papotheclown :
I am with you. Hang on as best you can.
from floodtide :
Thu morning 8/10 - don't know what, if anything, I have to offer, but your entry from last night has me concerned and I want to reach out. If there is anything - anything - I can do or say, please let me know: 231-735-0180. I will listen, if nothing else. XO
from musikoid :
Looks like you took care of the note. The dubious organization in question claims to be an interplanetary movement involved in saving planets from destruction based on information gleaned from other planets who have successfully done so. Their motives are entirely benign, but they take great pains to ensure they leave no identifying information on the Internet. As to the singer-songwriter in question, I am officially flirting with her as of my last note on her notes page. Otherwise, fuck sleep is right. I'm at Day Four and just came out of a most vicious bout of sleep paralysis counting my blessings and thanking God I'm even alive, Coffee is on. Lots of it.
from floodtide :
Thanks so much for your notes, and the Augusten Burroughs suggestion - have read "Dry," but need to RE-read now that I'll be able to relate to so much more of it. Thanks for your notes, and friendship. Thinking of you and sending love and support.
from musikoid :
I apologize for the rage issues manifest in the previous note. I am not in the position where I can blame anyone on Earth for my failures, let alone God -- although it does begin to seem as though He's the one who set this all in motion in the first place. I took about an hour break, and I still can't find it. The reason I was so upset is because usually either I'm so "high" from the magic potion I am using in order to channel the relevant spiritual information that, although I have grasped it, I cannot coherently express it; or I am trying to do so after some time has gone by, in which I case I am no longer *objective* about the information, and I disdain it. In addition, the more time goes by, the less influence of the magic elixir remains in my being. So anyway, I shall try again - but already I doubt I can get near the way I was describing the relationship between all the different components of this cosmology. But I was only mad for about ten minutes, and it wasn't that bad. My neighbor Les who had earlier been concerned did not hear it. I took an hour break and talked with this fellow Garrett down the hall, a very bright young man. So - nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon, and I'll give it another go. If this one doesn't post, then yes, Somebody does not want me to coherently release this information. Whatever. I'm writing to you, as opposed to say, my brother Steve, because most people think the information is only a symptom of a drug-crazed delusion. Drives me nuts, and I have to prove them wrong before I die. I also think this is why most people won't listen to my music. They know me, they know what the drug can do to me and others, and whether the music is good or not, they're afraid that if they like it too much, it will make me use drugs. Fuck 'em.
from musikoid :
If you can see an entry called "Garden Event" after the one called "Lapse" please let me know. I'm going to rewrite it but it just fucking sucks. I also was explaining (to myself, mainly) what it is about the substance that is both causing me to recognize how horrible it is and at the same time keep going back and using it. I will *never* remember that explanation, because twelve hours from now I'll be in a completely different state of mind that won't identify it at all. If Somebody Up There is just hell-bent on proving to me that my dad's constant condemnation was true, than He's sure doing a damn good job of it. I just want to say Fuck You, God! Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You! You could start destroying the stuff that's shitty and save the stuff that's unusually good, and *that* would prove that You love me a lot more than constantly reminding me that I'm a total piece of shit, and that I'm such a piece of shit that you had to send your only begotten son to die for me, because nobody but Him could have possibly approved enough of a total piece of shit like me enough to make that sacrifice. Thank you, God of the Bible, for managing to convince just about every Bible-believing Christian I've ever met that we are all pieces of shit. Fuck You, God.
from musikoid :
I'm extremely upset and discouraged right now. I just wrote what was easily the most lucid exposition of something very very dear to me, hit the "save" thing and it's nowhere to be found. I honestly think my computer is hacked. I kept losing control of my browsers and everything went weird all through the binge, I had to do a full system restore and three restarts. Yet, Windows Defender fails to report that it sees any threats. I'm hacked.
from musikoid :
You're like me, then. I hate the Internet except on non-computer devices. The only reason I still have the phone is because I thought to leave it with Young Paul overnight when I almost smashed it to bits on a hardwood floor less than twelve hours after I bought it.
from musikoid :
Self-soothing doesn't come easily for me either. Sometimes it's because I don't feel a need for it. I don't particularly want to be soothed. At other times, I do. The fog and San Francisco drizzle used to soothe me a lot. These days, I find that cleaning up my room helps, and lighting candles and incense. However, the concept is still largely foreign to me.
from musikoid :
I get that way (as you know) about the alleged inability to do anything right. That voice comes from Dad, straight up. In fact, it's even hard for me to recognize that he's not still peering over my shoulder saying it, when the fact is he's been dead for over thirty years. I'm also sure that, in whatever afterlife he might inhabit, he's probably got more important things to do than to continue to berate a grown child.
from catsoul :
hi. Hoping that today will be a little better for you. When I read what you write, I am so overwhelmed with respect of you. I love how honest you are. I wish I could write with more honesty about myself. Writing does help me with my inner turmoil. So please keep writing for your own sanity. Take Care Man. Peace Out. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Once you're writing more and more in the mode of self-expression, you'll feel much better about yourself and the world around you. That's my more-or-less educated guess, anyway. Right now there's a blockage, but that's mostly because you haven't been in the swing of writing, in the groove of it. Perhaps the drinking goes along with it, I cannot say for sure. But definitely, once the writing is in full sway, you'll feel a sense of self-redemption. I'm almost certain of it.
from musikoid :
https://lynnefisher.wordpress.com/2017/07/29/the-use-of-the-shadow-in-creative-writing/
from musikoid :
Have noticed that the links to my SoundCloud are the ones that don't work on your device. Both links work on mine. Wondering if it would work when spelled out, and here it is: https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando/bubbles-taboo - so let me know when you have the chance. Thanks, Jack.
from musikoid :
Echoing daath. About the lady at the pub, she knows exactly what I can do. It's all political, because the pub is connected with the Reformed College and a number of other Christian organizations that are trying to take over the town. I'm seen as a threat, because although I basically believe the same things as any other Reformed Christian, I don't act like they do, nor is there any biblical basis for their ridiculous prejudices.
from daath :
Your darkness helps me understand mine. Thank you.
from musikoid :
Arrgh - left out a tag. If you checked and the last half of the entry consisted of red with underlining, that's why. It should be fixed now. And my daughter and Richard III were right, by the way. *Temple* is just about the best thing I've turned out. The diary entry itself however is somehow making me nauseous. It's preachy, and I can't help but associate with the grosser stages of methamorphosis. I might edit it later - I know what I was trying to say, but I don't like the way I said it.
from musikoid :
Try the Temple link now if you're still on. I downloaded it from my Zoho docs and replaced it on Box. It's uncanny how the work I lose is often my best work. I rewrote the musical "Awake the Dawn" three times and lost it three times. I have yet to score it a fourth and hopefully final time.
from musikoid :
Noting you while we're on mutual radar. Surprised I never mentioned I read poorly. It's the main reason I never finished either of the degrees I was working on, and why I should have stuck with my Dramatic Arts major. Philosophy had too much reading, I kept asking for incompletes and finishing my work much later than it was assigned. I would usually get A's, but they eventually disqualified me from Cal Davis because I was so far behind. As for a music degree, I took Music History four times without being able to focus on the reading. I have a hard time even getting through people's diary entries here. But it is, as you suggest, a matter of focus. They say it relates to being ADHD.
from musikoid :
I'm a very poor reader, as I think I mentioned. I can engage myself over a well-written newspaper article and that's about it. Anyway, thanks for checking the links. "Temple" doesn't work on my end either. I was blown away that it was missing from my Box files - there is no way, after losing it once and having my daughter email it to me from her hotmail, before Microsoft unilaterally removed six years of hotmail messages out of both my Sent Folder and Inbox in 2013, that I would have consciously removed that file. It's scaring me, to be honest with you. I did find the piece on my Zoho docs, and I guess the link must have been to a local file. I am probably going to have to copy and paste it onto a new doc, store it on Box and elsewhere, and re-do the link. Did you happen to notice if the link to "The Event of the Garden" worked? It's the Spoken Word presentation that one should hear on clicking the words "here it is." Thanks again for reading.
from musikoid :
Apology accepted, albeit unnecessary. I was about to write to you to apologize for having been so distant and self-absorbed lately. It slipped my mind, largely because sleep came much earlier than I'd anticipated. I understand what it's like when one needs to be silent and a bit "checked out" in order to make the transition between living primarily in one's head and living primarily in the world around him.
from musikoid :
Sorry - I meant, just about 48 hours.
from musikoid :
That's fine, and I get it. I don't want to lay too much on you if you're in a strange, depressed, quiet space. Usually when I get into that space it means I need to think some things through, and I'm pretty much "checked out" until it's all been processed. However, since you mentioned still being around, I guess the entry you read was the one called "The Forbidden Fruit." I just looked at a second edit of it (which may or may not have been after you read it) and there's only one glaring typo that's bugging me, actually, a left out word. It's pretty coherent now, though I fear the subject matter may disinterest you and others. On the other hand, I have edited the following entry, entitled "A Citizen of the Earth," at least five times, and it's starting to take shape. My ideas are changing, and hopefully evolving, and I think I might actually be on to something remarkable. Both interpretations are equally valid! I basically have not been lied to by either of those spiritual powers. So I'm going to ride with this for a while, and see where it leads. I've been sober for just about 24 hours now, if we count "sobriety" as measuring the time since my last shot. But in another sense, I'm not sober at all, because there is so much stuff left in my system, after only two six-hour sleep periods in that period of time. If you can read "A Citizen of the Earth" (when you have the chance, I would be gratified to receive your feedback. But I understand you are probably not conversant with Scripture, and that some of the presentation might be confusing. I've already decided to send it to my ex-wife Jan, only because I can't think of anyone else right off the bat who has both the genius and the knowledge of Scripture to make sense out of it. My concern that I might soon die is just strong enough, that I need to release all the information from the ten years of channeling, while I am in a reasonably sober state, and give it to somebody whom I can trust to organize it and elaborate upon it with eloquence, before I die. It's pretty intense. So I'm kind of in the opposite space as you, and I don't want to pressure you to read yet another one of my works at this time. I still haven't gone back and read "God of My Failure," which was written in almost this same exact state of mind. But I did go back and read "Culture Shock," and have been blown away that three people have reacted to it: one with a "like," one with a "love," and one with a "wow." Why anybody even bothered to read a 27-paragraph Facebook timeline post that prints out to 13 pages on a Word doc (1 1/2 spaced) is beyond me. But it sure feels gratifying to be getting some positive feedback for my work for a change, along with the current publication prospects in a Bay Area periodical, and general support from my Writers Guild, rather than being immediately written off as a low-life tweaker scum bag, told to go back to California where i belong, that I only care about "one thing," and basically feeling like I alienated an entire community due to the ramifications of a mental health condition that they could not possibly understand. I'm trying to forgive SaraBeth or sharing my sensitive personal emails with all her employees, but if she cannot find it in herself to realize that this was wrong and simply apologize to me, what can I do? I wish I hadn't lost my one-way to Seattle, because I could take off in five hours, never come back, and leave a scathing condemnation of the so-called "Home of the Arts" on my Facebook timeline. Not that it would help, just that it would feel good. You understand. I hope.
from musikoid :
I just realized I left my note for you on my own page by mistake, in response to your earlier brief note. Things are not good. Each passing moment is very difficult right now. I sort of wish I were not alone, and at the same time I would not want to inflict my present personality on anyone I know.
from chakra-nadi :
i wasn't getting email notification for the notes. sorry. mostly i'm just sick of drinking my wages. nothing is for free. i knew that 'free' booze would just open that door to me going out and buying it later. MN has sunday liquor sales for the first time since the 1930s. That's another irony right there. I quit and they open the doors on a day i always wanted to drink. kind of like them opening up a dunkin donuts right after i go vegan.
from musikoid :
It does apply, and thank you for sharing the sentiment. The only difference is that my brother never lost my dad's favor. Also, I guess I must say that your dad sounds considerably more unworthy of your devotion than mine was. My dad was just an Old School New England patriot with a military mind-set, arch-conservative of course, but at the same time an admirable man. Yours doesnt sound worthy of admiration. My dad was a brilliant man, a genius, a jack-of-all-trades. He was literally loved by everyone in the community. His funeral was one of the most impressive events I have ever attended. But he had these staunch, rigid values from which he could not veer. One of them was that the first born son was supposed to follow in his footsteps. he did not, however, express direct disappointment to my brother for not *being* the first-born son. He didn't take it that far. As I've said earlier (somewhere, if not on DiaryLand), he tried to each me everything he knew, but my mind would blank out because I was so afraid of his judgment. The only thing he didn't try to teach me how to do was to play the piano. I watched him play piano for two years (between age 5 and 7) and figured out what he was doing without the interference of having to deal with his inordinately high expectations of me. Then, at the age of seven, I sat down and simply played a few songs on the piano, from having watched him. My Mom dropped a plate of spaghetti on the floor, she was so shocked. Then, as I clearly exceeded his ability to play the piano, he responded wit complete disapproval and envy. That was the hardest part. But I hear he was proud of me shortly before his sudden death, and I did get to see him become happier during the last six months of his life. I really was doing well then. But I fell apart completely after he died. So - not going anywhere in particular with this, just a bit of a stream from off the clouds I've blown. Will wonders never cease.
from musikoid :
That was very deep and descriptive. I similarly have been "locking myself down" of late, though with perhaps less fear of discovery or consequence.
from chakra-nadi :
My husband always says not to ask if he's OK. He's never OK. He will never be OK. So, you're not alone in this. Most normal people don't realize how asking the socially acceptable question "how are you?" can cause someone with mental illness a lot of pain. BTW, turned my notes on for now.
from papotheclown :
I very much relate to your last post. I have very similar social maneuvers. Maybe some of us will just never be okay. But at least we aren't fully alone in it. Even if it mostly feels like we are.
from minstrelite :
I'm still pretty blocked up, as far as any writing is concerned. But maybe that's a sign that my attention is to be better focused elsewhere at this time. I'm sorry about the chronic breathing problem - I didn't know that. Well - this may be a short note compared to most, but I'm having a hard time staying awake. A little worried about going into sleep paralysis, but am drinking a beer in the absence of Ativan and hopefully I will be exhausted enough to bypass that stage.
from minstrelite :
Meant to add, the Hemingway counsel might naturally be taken more seriously in Idaho.
from minstrelite :
OK I guess it was only about five notes. I post here every day, as you probably have noticed, but I haven't been engaged enough with DiaryLand to have bothered to check the notes. You had referred to a number of notes, and I think I've read them all now. + On the editing, I also edit better "post-post" than "pre-post." Somehow it is not till after I see it in its published form that I get the ideas I need to improve upon it. In fact, I usually post when I know it's not quite the way I want it, just so I can look at in its published form, and get clear ideas how to adjust it. + About drinking, Ernest Hemingway had a saying you're probably familiar with: "Write the rough draft drunk and the final draft sober." I never realized how many writers take his advice very seriously until I joined the Writers Guild. People swear by it. Unfortunately, my relationship to alcohol is not sophisticated enough that I feel it would work. I have a very low tolerance, and get sick really easily on fairly low amounts. (Unlike other chemicals, unfortunately.) Marijuana makes for a lousy rough, middle, or final draft. I've consistently noticed that the blog entries I write under 420 get almost no "likes." I've also noticed that the popularity of my posts is inversely proportional to the time and effort I put into them. This can be either maddening or liberating, depending on my mood. The post called "Excerpt from Insomnia" had 13 likes last I checked, and it took me less than five minutes to write. At three in the morning, even. I'm beginning to wax narcissistic, but the most likes I've gotten have been for "On Feeding the Soul," which includes a direct quote from YOU, JACK, the content of which surely contributed to the popularity of the post. + I can relate to the anxiety with which if I did not say some certain thing to my lover or partner upon parting, I feared something unusually bad would happen before the next time I saw her. That dynamic figured all through my youth and early middle age, until I reached the stage of simply not having any romantic partners any more. I guess Lauren would be an exception, but somehow in the homeless situation it was assumed that we couldn't possibly *not* see each other again, or that if one of us were to die, it would somehow be all right, death being all around us, in various forms, throughout the days and on into the long nights. I've thought about her quite a bit today and I think I will write Elmer (who is her disability Payee) and see if he can't say hello to her for me. The anxiety as to how she is doing is far greater now that we are separated by miles than it was when we were both homeless in B-Town. + I might have more to say in a bit. I appreciate your notes and attention to my work. It's been a productive day, but I don't deal with the holidaze well, and tonight threatens to be another dark night of the soul.
from minstrelite :
Wow - I just thought to check my notes, and I saw about ten notes from you I didn't know were there. I'll take this time to peruse them, and probably note you back after a bit. I did get your email and reply. I also used your quote in my next blog, which got 25 views and 10 likes in a short period of time (that's good for my site, far more than the average. I think the most likes was 14 - and you were quoted directly in that blog. So maybe that says something.) And yes, penultimate is a groovy sort of word. Just think, "Uther Pendragon" and it will all come together. ;)
from papotheclown :
Thank you for checking in. I am much better this morning after some rest. Still not great, mind you, but better. I think I'll get through this.
from minstrelite :
Jack, I just read this recent entry, because I started thinking that even though I've formally left DiaryLand (except for daily gratitude lists), it kinda sucks that I'm not reading your posts, since this is how we met and in large way forms the foundation of our friendship. You and I really *are* a lot alike - it's almost uncanny. About not being able to love without the fear of loss, I can so identify with that. I've been in relationships and even platonic friendships where the love was so huge, it seemed that the fear was proportionately as huge as the love. But then of course I question is what I am feeling is actually "love" - I am reminded of what St. John said: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment." So I would guess that the keyword here is "perfect." If we could love perfectly, it would only be love, without the fear. But who's perfect? Who loves perfectly? Nobody. From my perspective, I believe that's why Jesus died for us, because none of us can achieve our perfect ideal in anything, and he had to pick up the slack. But that's only *my* perspective. + Now, on theme of writing style and content, youn really could put something together that would definitely be publishable, I mean look at this: "My gaping internal wounds are secretly smiling even as they are bleeding all over everything." Who writes like that? Who even thinks such a thought? You're a fucking genius, Jack, embrace it! My embrace of same is the only thing, sometimes, that keeps me alive.
from floodtide :
Hey, Jack. Flood here, Saturday morning May 13. Just read an entry that d-land says you posted 8 hours ago, about paranoid insecurity and abandonment fears. Were you physically or emotionally abused as a child? I was. And I live in perpetual fear that any love or approval I experience is likely to be withdrawn at any moment, for any reason. It informs and harms relationships, but it really fucks me over at work. Authority terrifies me; I am convinced 24/7 that the hammer is going to fall at any moment. I tell myself (over and over and over and over) that the approval of people less intelligent or dedicated than I doesn't matter, but I never believe me. Even when you are hurting I am glad that you've posted, and you are in my heart.
from minstrelite :
Oh good - I was concerned you might have bailed. Glad to see you back, Jack.
from minstrelite :
I haven't read the penultimate entry in full yet, but for whatever it's worth, my friends have been telling me to "calm down before I have a heart attack" for at least 45 years now. Some of them have had heart attacks already, and (knock on wood) mine just keeps on ticking like the heart of a lifelong athlete. There's something dynamic in your nature that a lot of people who are more "chill" can't comprehend. I wouldn't pay them too much mind, although a good cardio program is known to work wonders.
from musikoid :
Just a couple things. I finally read your most recent entry. The writing was once again so lucid and engaging, it never occurred to me that you might have been a "bit drunk" till you said so. Also, I wonder if when you wrote this: "Only that doesn't work when you are laying in the middle of the freeway" you were referencing "Willy" in any way, consciously or unconsciously. "Made his bed in the middle of the dreaded cluster." Just a weird and perhaps grandiose thought. I apologize that my reading skills are shot to hell right now. I'm not sure how long it's going to be before I regain anything like normal focus. I'm all over the map.
from minstrelite :
Also, if I did not acknowledge your notes fully, I thought the best ones were these: "I can't help but be reminded of the Greek epics where the hero has to descend into the underworld. Again I still believe you are a miracle." And: "Thank you for the beautiful note and for praying for me. Your story was both harrowing and beautiful. You stumbled but your friends did not let you fall. The friends you had no idea were such good friends and cared so much. You are free. You no longer have to do the job but you did not lose your church and your friends. You are also free from having to hide your dark past. You are loved." I read them both several times - again, I'm still a bit disoriented. Physically better, but my focus seems adrift. I think I was just beginning to focus better on the Ativan, and now that it's gone, I feel more scattered. The thing you said about descending into the underworld in order to come out whole or cleansed, is basically the story of my life. I have even wondered (forgive me if I repeat myself) if these bouts on some level constitute homeopathic medicine. My vital signs yesterday were the best they've been since Moscow.
from musikoid :
I also think (and I meant to mention this in the previous note) that in both of our cases, the lack of self-love has something to do with the way we were treated by our fathers. There's some similarity or commonality there.
from musikoid :
I've been reading your notes, and you haven't been annoying at all. You've probably caught that I've been sleeping about twice as much as usual lately, and that just today the doc deleted the Ativan. I know we share darkly here, but I understand that when thoughts tend toward the suicidal, we become very concerned about one another. After all, some people who start talking that way have actually 'done the deed' - and it is tragic that they were not taken seriously in the process. What you wrote here is key: "A lack of self love has an insidious way of blinding you to the love others have for you." I think this is part of why you and I relate to each so well and have (in my opinion) been able to help each other so much. Not everybody relates to how the lack of self-love translates into not being able to recognize the love that others have for that same self. The image of all the friends I didn't know I had, rushing up to embrace me, offering me tangible gifts to help me, is indeed powerful. In fact, I'm going to head over there now, because I find it's a good spot to be writing out these bass parts. I just awoke from a nap and made a third gratitude list, this one actually being grateful. Coming off of this run has been unusually wicked. Twenty spells of sleep paralysis before I stopped counting. But I honestly think I'm past it now, and leveling off. Hopefully with the increase in Depakote, I will stabilize despite the removal of the Ativan. The Ativan did have some narly side effects, causing me to be a little too loose-lipped, and that kind of thing. (Disinhibition.) Of course, Jack, you are not an annoyance. Far from it. I am just way behind on reading the diaries of others, as well as the blogs on WordPress that I follow, people's books and novels in my Writer's Guild, and everything else. Anyway. Focus on the Moment as a Stepping Stone to the Future. All either is, or will be, well.
from minstrelite :
Yes, my spirits lightened immensely upon recovering that debit card. It took the whole sense of torment out of it all.
from papotheclown :
It really is interesting, isn't it? I bet it's a thing that a lot of introverts experience. We have this ultra deep interior world that to them just looks quiet and gray. Which makes it so amazing for the people who take the time to look a little deeper. They find such treasure.
from musikoid :
It will be powerful (Willy). I've decided I'm probably going to minimize the number of tunes I even sing. I remember I played with both these guys at Bucer's, and two other guys, and it was almost all instrumental, which worked fine. But I do want to spotlight some of my singer-songwriter aspect, as mentioned on my blog, which I'm sure you've read (from the other notes to Minstrelite.)
from minstrelite :
I know you are. But I'm all right. As we age, we become more philosophical. Things like this - they shake you up in order to wake you up. You pause for a moment, you get your bearings, and you move on. If you're really lucky, like I am, you realize that you are loved in the process. And then you remember how somebody treated you when you were too young to do anything about it. You compare and contrast, and you finally know what love is. It's more powerful than all the evil in the Universe. I prayed for you before I came on here - for the first time - because I knew you'd be worried by now. I hope you recognize how much you are loved. When that happens, you will realize how much love you have to love with. It's powerful. God is love. And Love is God. Believe it.
from papotheclown :
The dandelion hands thing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me. And I think I am also drinking too much water, so thank you for that information as well.
from musikoid :
You pegged him exactly - a wet diaper looking for a butt. Also, interestingly, that's the part that sticks in my mind about Strangelove too.
from musikoid :
Shades of Dr. Strangelove at the end there. Seriously, the part with which I most identified is here: "People always tell me I am highly intelligent. Possibly too smart for my own good. Just imagine if I used all that energy and brain power I am wasting to better myself." Either of us is easily intelligent enough to do so. I wonder what holds us back?
from musikoid :
MacGuyver, eh? It all comes together. ;)
from musikoid :
I just caught your earlier note about those of us who have had self-harm issue. I think you're right - it is a common trait among us to belittle ourselves or minimize the issue. Also, those around us who don't identify with it or perhaps are a bit freaked out about this stuff themselves can inadvertently further this foible or fallacy. I started to say something last night, and this more-or-less dim-witted fellow I call Jim the Janitor told me that every time I bring it up, I am "worshipping the devil." At first I laughed it off and looked his partner Greg, saying: "That's a bit extreme, don't you think?" Greg kinda chuckled but I knew it would be the first thing on my mind when I awoke this morning. And then, of course, Jim the Janitor was the first chap I encountered in my early morning malaise prior to coffee, waking up twenty minutes late for Writers' Guild and struggling to find a cup of coffee on the way. He was standing literally directly in the way of my route to my coffee, which I felt was needed even more desperately due to the daze this new antidepressant has been conferring upon me in the mornings. That's why I alluded in my Gratitude List to getting pissed off at the Almighty in the morning. It happened directly after I maneuvered my way around Jim. I knew Jim was innocent on this particular count, but it disturbed me spiritually that I was running into the individual I least wanted to see at the time when I least wanted to run into anyone at all. I'm going to make sure I get some coffee singles from the nearest market tonight before bedtime. The need for morning caffeine has reached critical proportions, and I don't want to risk being rude to anyone again.
from musikoid :
I got both your notes and your email. The Great Isolation Period - I could certainly spin off on that one! I'm in the midst right now, but am hoping to craft an email reply when it's all been said and done. Friday night, you know...
from musikoid :
Not sure when the recent one-sentence note was left or what *exactly* it referred to, but if it was about the immediate memory loss conferred upon me by the evil Ativan, then yes: "concerned" and "sad" are certainly appropriate responses.
from minstrelite :
During the brief period of time I was on ativan, I left my mouse overnight at a cafe where I don't even remember taking out my computer, I left my favorite hat at the Verizon score, I several times had to look for my keys on the way out the door, left my power cord in the Bagel Shop, and I'm not even sure I can count (or even know) all the space-outs. I think the short-term memory loss becomes more severe with age. Even though I went off klonopin cold turkey on 5/10/04, I've taken Ativan in certain hospitals, and while it's kept me placid and uncomplaining while interred, it left me in withdrawals upon release that were so severe they literally reminded me of a bad speed trip - everything you hate about being that hyped, with none of the benefits.
from musikoid :
That was from Minstrelite.
from musikoid :
I was surprised the cops didn't 5150 me at the Mall, to be honest with you. It was definitely more of a breakdown than as panic attack. Maybe what happened was that my natural demeanor of courtesy when dealing with strangers took over at the hospital. I also kinda wished I'd been admitted, to get some true, focused care. But if the laws in Idaho are what they are in California (which I don't know) I wouldn't have made it back for church on Sunday.
from musikoid :
I feel that about the 'comparisons' - I felt a little tinge of slight-wrongness saying my self-harm issues weren't as serious as yours. You probably know the drill, and I was basically hoping not to downplay that which is serious - one's pain. Anyway, I think we understand each other. + Beautiful note from Flood, below there.
from floodtide :
You are mentioned in my diary today (Monday, April 3 2017). I'm writing to let you know that, and to (1) thank you for all the lovely notes you've left me, and (2) apologize for never responding as you deserved. I had no idea you'd written them. D-land used to send e-mail notifications when one received a new posting on the notes page, but long ago that ended, at least for me, no matter how many times I update my e-address or write to Andrew about it. Anyway, thank you. Seriously. And thank you for sharing a completely different side of yourself in the notes: the loving warmth in you doesn't appear much, if at all, in your diary, but your notes are generous and I was touched. More than once. So thanks. You have my compassion and my support, and no matter how you're struggling on a given day, reading you when you post makes me feel close to you. I have a friend.
from musikoid :
I've read all your notes and am about to attempt sleep. Briefly, you're spot on when it comes to Ms. Dechenes. She has no clue or concept of self-harm issues. I've described my issues, not as serious as yours I don't think - but parasuicidal thinking is not to be taken lightly, not to mention that repeatedly beating yourself on your head with your fist isn't a particularly good way to win friends and influence people. I'm sure others were effected, but since I'm fringe, I wrote rather than hold my peace. I won't leave D-Land. I was feeling vulnerable and it seemed to be the proper venue for laying myself bare. Hugging you back, Jack.
from musikoid :
A natural question, concerning your obvious writing talent, is if you have ever written something major, such as a novel...
from musikoid :
Your note made sense, though I had to read some parts a couple times before I realized what you were trying to say. I did hear back from Lori Deschenes who apologized but also stood by her choice to publish it. I just responded that I respected her integrity but, had she put the disclaimer on the top of the article -- like you do -- rather than at the very bottom, it would probably have soothed the wound. At least I'd have been warned. She wrote back again and said I was the only one who had complained, and I clarified that even emailing her at all had been part of the trigger. It's pretty clear she's not in tune with things like self-harm or parasuicidal thinking, so anyway I was able to let go once I realized she and I were cool. Then I read this morning's article on high anxiety (which seemed timely, but unfortunately failed to work for me in today's case.) Breaking down today, spinning. No appetite for three days - sleeping very little, nervous high energy, losing my center....bad day over here, boss.
from musikoid :
I feel you on the typing faster than thinking. I've been known to fall asleep with my laptop in my lap and still be typing when I wake up. Extremely interesting to see the words I type while asleep. All the words are spelled correctly, and there is no syntactical connection between any of them. A series of "sentences" such as "Please fault Santa earthquake blender always birds does protocol." Stuff like that. Seriously.
from minstrelite :
Haha - exactly!
from musikoid :
Jack, I'm still digesting your note regarding your family background. You're a fascinating fellow, and evidently stronger than most. But I am writing for another reason - if I have ever recommended the Tiny Buddha periodical to you (I may or may not have - I have been recommending Tiny Buddha to most all my friends for about a year now) - please do NOT subscribe to it and especially do NOT look at this morning's article. I thought of you first, among all the people I know who have had self-harm issues. The article was completely irresposible - I let them know about it, and I am urging everyone I know to cancel their subscriptions. I myself am so triggered right now I have the shakes. I couldn't possibly go to work in this state, or function, or be responsible toward the others in my life in any way. Me personally I will dive into my current project as usual, but not everybody has that (or a similar) outlet, and I hate to think of what harm they have done this morning. I hope they realize their wrong and apologize to their readers. I had to tell you -- but maybe I did more harm than good if I never recommended it in the first place. Have a good day - I'll be in touch later in the week.
from minstrelite :
(That was Minstrelite thanking you for wishing him a happy birthday.) ;)
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. :)
from floodtide :
Just now (3/28) saw your kind little note about congrats on the job and the purchase. Don't know why d-land didn't send me the "you have a new note" notification; I happened to check them on a complete whim today. Sorry for note responding sooner. I read you every time you write and am sending all the compassion I can muster to support you in your struggle. I'm struggling a little less these days, and I can't pretend I'm not grateful, but some days I still stay in bed with the covers over my head.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've read "Inappropriate Laughter #2" now start-to-finish (in two settings), and I would like to read it again to grasp the dynamics more closely. The way your interior disturbances are involved in shaping your relationships with key figures is remarkable.
from chakra-nadi :
Isn't that part of being mentally ill that you have to constantly monitor yourself? When you don't, you scare people because your crazy is showing. It's exhausting trying to pretend you're like everyone else all the time, which is what normal people don't understand. That's cute you think any of these social worker types are there to help you. I guess that's what you have to tell yourself in order to stay in the system and get on disability. But, just by her spouting off the tired old phrase that you're not taking your "recovery seriously" shows me that she'll like you only in as much as you do exactly what you are told when you are told to do it. This is just an unsolicited observation from a totally non-compliant crazy person.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the tip. I looked into it, and the nearest Big Lots is in Lewiston, 28 miles South of here. I could maybe get a ride or possibly charter a free bus. I have the application for the charter bus for seniors and people with disabilities, though I think I would have to dovetail the ride with something a bit more legit, such as a trip to the Social Security Office. Still, it would be great to score decent headphones at such a cost, and probably worth the trip. I'm still kinda hoping the old ones turn up, of course.
from minstrelite :
You're right - they don't respect a mean or heavy-handed leader, and in particular they will be on the lookout for signs of emotional or verbal abuse. I've noticed in the Performing Arts that there are still some Old School tyrants out there who somehow prosper, even though their tactics would be considered sadistic in other fields. But in this case, in the sacred context, or even considering that I will be among church people who tend to be concerned with what is wholesome and so forth, it's probably best I remain shifted into "manager mode" as much as can be reasonably justified in my mind.
from minstrelite :
insulting (of course.) It looked kinda like "insulin" there lol.
from minstrelite :
I agree. I actually surprised myself both times, last Wednesday and last night, by being able to respond professionally to comments that were stupid, insultin, or out-of-place - and I only had to shush somebody once - which was because I was talking with someone else at the time. There are three women in the Choir who seem not to have any grasp on the concept of not talking out of turn, raising your hand before asking a question, and that kind of thing. But I'm just sort of being loose about it right now because I want to show them I can maintain under pressure without freaking. When my boss said "thanks Andy" the first Wednesday, I think it was only courteous, but when he said it last night, it sounded sincere.
from musikoid :
Hey - those boxes aren't easy to open. A box cutter would come in handy for a lot of reasons. But what I'm wondering is maybe she didn't think it was so strange in the sense of her suspecting it was something you packed "just for the occasion" as just that you would pack it at all. I don't think it's strange, but that's just me. The overall knife fetish - well - that could be part of a larger concern. On somebody's part.
from musikoid :
Wow - that's a long time for the power to have been out! That must have been grueling. Well - I'm glad you finally have it restored. I'm doing better now - I think today's earlier entry is the first one that said anything, to speak of. Glad you checked back in with me, I had been wondering about you.
from musikoid :
Thanks for letting me know, Jack. I've been in something of a useless funk anyway, as I'm sure you've detected. It's going to take a turn for the better, however. Hopefully your power situation will improve soon as well.
from musikoid :
I got both your notes, and thanks for those. It's good that you and your therapist are moving forward - it sounds like a good relationship. I think that when it comes to my anger issues, both the pastor and my therapist are probably aware of how bad they can be, but just haven't seen them in such a demonstrative fashion as to appear insane. Same with mania, levels of anxiety, and so forth. So they both still have a lot of respect for me, and it's possibly they could be disillusioned. On the show, one thing is that I know it's imperfect, and so I'm purposely setting it aside for a couple weeks. People will come back with comments, and bring it back, so that's fine. I know what I *should* do is find a group of Actors to hold a reading, and then maybe rewrite it again with edits. So the project is not completely finished, even though a draft of the script is finished. Still, it just take a load off of me, finally having the a working version of the script.
from papotheclown :
As much as I hate that you are still feeling fucked up, I am glad to see you writing on here again. You've been missed, Jack.
from musikoid :
I've read the entry and reflected a bit. You and I, as we've discussed, are very much alike. Possibly if we were to talk in person or on the phone, or Skype or whatever, we might notice similarities in temperament, as well as thought processes that we've already discerned. But, me not being a psychologist, but knowing something about how our fathers affected us, my feeling is that, a lot of this low self-worth, if not all of it, has to do with your dad, and unresolved issues from the past. I don't know if that's helpful, but I will say I hope you can get a good therapist who will be keen not to trigger you. This one may be all right, I don't know - but I've been triggered by therapists before, and it is not helpful. What I worry about right now, personally, is that both my pastor and my therapist seem to *like* me too much. In enjoying their liking me, it is difficult for me to reveal the fullness of the sordid, disgusting nature of my ills. Anyway I am rooting for you, now and always.
from musikoid :
"When the whole world feels so hostile, toxic and dysfunctional. Dangerous. Disgusting. Horrible." I definitely identify with those times. One forgets about love then, and its power. It can be extremely unsettling. I'm still reading, by the way - I just stopped at that point to note you, in case I, too, become further distracted. I've been all over the map lately, myself.
from musikoid :
My sleep schedule is hella fucked up. I've been calling Jimbo who works graveyard in NYC. It's been 22 days since 420 once again, but I'm compelled to see if Biker Dennis has some weed and if he'd accept some cash so I don't feel like an asshole - he's already done me two favors, weed and a free lift in his cab somewhere. I got the application in but am feeling repercussions of having left my card in the machine this morning, now it will be 12 days before I get it, if it comes in 10 business days, had to pay rent from my other card, and so am strapped with money I can't access. Things are a general pisser right now but I'm sort of hiding in the show. Yes it's likely I'll feel depressed when I'm done, considering all that, and more, like you say.
from musikoid :
I just meant that the character died - I couldn't figure out a way to keep him around. And yes it did affect me - I didn't want him to die at the end of the show. I thought there should be a happier ending, but his death seemed unavoidable. Perhaps part of what I felt for a while was that a part of me had died, and I did feel that. But I think the part of me that had "died" was basically the faith that I could wrap this show up in a way that was at all satisfying. So the death of the character whom I had created was wrapped up in the "death" of faith in myself as a legitimate musical playwright. The Good News lol is that I found a way to "resurrect" him in the end, by making it only an attempted murder in which the assassin thought he had gotten away with it, but those "in the know" realized that Winston had not swallowed the bait. I had him tipped off beforehand in a way that caused him to narrowly escape death. So I was able to have him still pay a price that would settle the transgressions of his followers and still be alive at the end of the show, symbolizing Christ in all three aspects: the death, the price paid for sins, and the resurrection. Any more would give away the ending, but I'm on the last verse of the Finale Penultimo write now and about to write the lead in to the Finale Ultimo - so I'm at the bottom of p127. To stop now and sleep is an absurd proposition -- this time I'm gonna do it till it's done.
from musikoid :
Hope you're okay - I feel a little guilty for being so preoccupied with my project when you wrote and admitted to a deep depression. I'm hoping to get this done very soon. But in the meantime, I will certainly make an effort to be more accessible.
from musikoid :
Winston Greene has died, and I'm in a depressed state. I don't seem to be able to motivate his death, except by suicide - and I don't want to go there. I wish I could resurrect him, but only God has that power. Deus ex machina. I gotta get some sleep...
from musikoid :
Cool. I'm honored you follow my project blog. I'll look forward to receiving your email.
from musikoid :
I see you're online. Not sure if you've checked your email but I changed my password. I sent it to both your addresses.
from minstrelite :
Actually I'd never heard #6 before, but that's certainly very useful! It's not as though their shit stinks any more or less than my own. Thanks for that.
from minstrelite :
And thanks for your comment on #3 from yesterday. I hope you have a great day today.
from minstrelite :
I just saw this note: "I am sorry that I have not been around much reading, commenting, emailing much. I am some seriously bad fucked up head space right now. I am sporadically working on three different entries right now and have no idea if I will even post any of it. I am back and forth between dissociating and my attention span being anxious and all over the room. I don't even feel like I sound like me, which is making writing frustrating and sometimes near impossible." I somehow hadn't noticed it before, when for some reason it got buried beneath jimbotaxi's note that was probably sent at around the same time. I just wanted to relate to it, I get that way too - though more so with my Project Blog than DiaryLand. I think the difference is that, with the project blog, it's *public* and I'm painfully aware that total strangers just might be reading me. Maybe that's part of the dynamic with you as well? I'm not suggesting you lock up; it's just a commonality I observed.
from musikoid :
I don't have much to add on the top to your second note, since you were basically just affirming what I'd already offered. To the third note, I probably should only say congrats on kicking that shit. I didn't know Paxil was chemically related to cocaine, but now that I do, it puts a few things into perspective.
from musikoid :
To your first note: there's a book or an article somebody told me about some years ago, in which the author espoused that people who have made truly great contributions to humanity often have this trait. They have such an intense amount of disparate stuff going on in their minds that sometimes they even wind up leading double lives - or triple or somehow hidden lives. George Washington is an example - military leader, loved for his courage and patriotism, thought of as a straight-up moral example for the youth of his day; yet cross-dressing at swinger parties in Paris, showing up in European orgies, and that sort of thing. It also seems to me that those whose light shines brightest often have the most shady an d shadowy dark side as well. You may well be one of those people. You're here on DiaryLand and in your program to deal with the dark side, but somehow that darkness is the other side of a very radiant coin. Others see this in you, I'm sure. I do, anyway.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know (because I see you online) I'm about to answer all three of your notes in order - but I have to change laptop-locations first.
from minstrelite :
On #10 from yesterday: thanks, Jack. I actually wrote it down first, but decided quickly it should be No. 10, due to its "ultimate" nature.
from musikoid :
"when I was ready" - of course. :)
from musikoid :
Yeah that scale is mind-blowing. Not sure what the metrics were, but I'd have thought coke would have been a bit closer to meth, and sex would have been a bit farther from a good meal. However, meth *is* mind-altering in a way that far exceeds coke and is very hard to accept. I literally went from being a born-again Christian to a follower of Satan in fifteen minutes in January of 2007 -- and the Bible I was reading at the time sure wasn't the thing that had changed. Freaky stuff, and I'm glad to be away from it. Thank you, by the way, for the flattering assessment of my character, and I know you are sincere - but it wasn't hard to kick when I'm ready. I may be stronger than some, but the image of me beating myself on my head in my only daughter's presence and repeatedly shouting "I'm a piece of shit! I'm a piece of shit!" - in her workplace, even - is something that will never go away, long after the foul substance has. Hopping a BART cross the Bay at my next SSI check helped a lot too. Peace Out Bro.
from musikoid :
Oh yeah - I had just wanted to say that it's good that it's working out with your disability approval, despite the evil nature of the approving entity. I sometimes don't know why I even put up with psychiatrists at all, but the fact is that, if I get on the right meds AND have a decent therapist at the same time, life gets better. Sometimes (not all the time) you have to put up with a real jerk in order to do so. The Kaiser psychiatrist basically switched meds on me the morning my Mom died (she died later that afternoon) and the combination through me into a first-time manic episode. But what bugged me is that she NEVER admitted the medication change had anything to do with it -- even though after I stopped taking the meds (unilaterally) anybody who knew me at all affirmed for me that I was finally back to my normal self. Unfortunately, by that time I had lost a $50,000 annual income, a car, and my room rental. So no, they are definitely not quick to admit that their prescriptions can in any way be a part of the CAUSE of one's current disarray, and they are extremely quick to pin it on the mysterious nuances of one's diagnosis instead.
from musikoid :
To your first note, actually, you're a bit like me, Jack. I don't know how to say this. You're nuts but you're not nuts. The way I experience myself is that I seem to have so much going on inside, in so many different areas, on so many different levels, at any given moment, it's almost impossible for me to zero in on any one thing and decide that that one thing *is* *me* - if you know what I mean. There have been times when I would be having a perfectly cordial conversation with the person sitting across from me in a cafe while simultaneously sending out "Fuck You!" emails to my brother and engaging in a sibling argument of considerable hostility. Which one is me? Hard to say. Even right now, I'm not sure I said what I had set out to say, and I might even have to read your note again to remember it. But basically, I know people who don't talk much because they have nothing to say, and people who talk a lot but still have nothing to contribute, and you are neither. The things you say are always in some way meaningful and of interest to others. Don't forget that.
from musikoid :
I feel you on the psychiatrist thing. I think I've got it pretty good now, having found a decent therapist whom I can relate to, and getting the meds straight from my general practitioner, who is an M.D. I like the doc too - he's professional, respectful, doesn't cross any lines, doesn't play any games. The previous doc was like someone straight out of a horror movie. I'll never forget the weird look that came over her face as she told me that 'everybody could use the 12 Steps' (out of the blue by the way) and that she was 'not an addict by the grace of God' - she got this freaky glaze in her eyes as though she had suddenly been possessed by a demon or something. Then she turned to my chart, drilled me about past meth use, and immediately proceeded to prescribe me a drug whose chemical structure was almost identical to crystal meth - and at three times the usual starting dosage, I later learned. I was like "get me the fuck out of here!!" But sometimes I have too low of self-esteem to realize that it's not my bad, and I will keep going back to a shitty doc just because I feel powerless to do anything about it. I did that with my Kaiser psychiatrist for years, whom I can still pretty righteously credit with my complete breakdown in 2004. It seems that, in general, an M.D. is more likely to respect your rights and feelings with regards to a psychiatric medication than is a psychiatrist. I don't like to generalize, but I've been used as a guinea pig by psychiatrists throughout my (earlier) life, and not by M.D.'s. They're *more* likely to just do their job, imho.
from musikoid :
I just received all your beautiful notes. I do feel much better having come back. I thought I was doing the right thing, because it seemed to correspond with other decisions I'd made that turned out to be right for me (such as deleting my Facebook), but the void that was left without having DiaryLand in my life proved to be too much for me. Almost instantly after I left DiaryLand, an awful situation suddenly arose at work, completely unexpected, out of the blue - I think I described it in the email. I so wished I could "write it all out" but whenever I tried to do so, in pen & ink or offline, or on some other interface, it just wasn't the same. I finally realized it was only my pride that was keeping me away, because I didn't want to humble myself to admit that I simply need you guys. All of you. And that's a good thing. DiaryLand right now - for me - is a good thing. I'm also glad to hear you're hanging in with the program. It sounds as though the Master Interrogator is "old guard" and they're needs to be a changing of the guard. Some of the O.G.'s become more dictatorial with age, I've noticed. I hope I never become one of them. (Of course, I've never aged, so I'm lucky, in that regard.) ;) Otherwise things are rolling along now that the work situation is on its way to a favorable solution, and other aspects of my personal and spiritual life are finding their way back to health. Thanks again for your lovely and thoughtful notes, Jack. I am truly touched. Love, Andy
from cherrygash :
Thanks for listening. I think feeling alone is the worst of all.
from minstrelite :
It may be that you're undergoing a period of change. This can be painful, even if growthful in the long run. I'm wondering what happened with your disability and with the control freak who was threatened by your resistance -
from musikoid :
There's something there, yes.
from musikoid :
I'm glad you found yourself "strangely comforted" in catching up with me. I actually have been drawing a strange sort of comfort from my own progress, particularly with regards to the musical. The national situation right now, with its global implications, is enough to have any sentient being on edge. But then I remember "God" (whom I put in quotes to emphasize a broader concept than the typical) and how it seems to most of my companions that I was catapulted to an almost idyllic artistic, non-religious community of like-minded people only once I was able to put some distance between myself and my flirtation with a foul substance that had been holding me back for some years. It also seems that this community is strangely close to the Canadian border. Combining those two facts, to say that God has an interest in seeing me finish this piece is probably only one small part of a larger picture, for me, for you, for humankind. I say that in humility, not placing myself in the center by any means, but acknowledging for once my membership in a greater human company, and the hope that this company of humanity, always having endured, will endure still.
from musikoid :
I'm answering your two notes in reverse order. Yeah that was kind of funny when the three "users online right now" were me, you and flood. It was as though it was a little mini-club, and I got the natural feeling each of us might have been 'reading' the other, as though it had somehow been ordained or set up that way.
from musikoid :
Saw you were online - just wondered how it's going. Looks like you logged off now - hope things are okay.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for indulging my curiosity, and for your notes. I sent the note to the therapist as is. On p.73 now, mid Scene Five, on my roll. Lot of problems solved - I'm in the Great Space.
from musikoid :
I see you've emailed regarding this Tyler in whom you trust. I'm so far behind on correspondence, and even D-Land notes these days. It's true that I'm busier, but also I think I've been receiving more messages lately. Maybe sending more too. But as to the age thing, I see you and I as on the same age-length somehow. Some younger men are like "sons" to me. With you and I, things are more even. By the way, I saw your pictures on Google Plus. You remind me somewhat of one of my daughter's boyfriends, a fellow named Breck who was also bipolar. And he, too, reminded me somewhat of me - as you do, as we've discussed. Interesting.
from musikoid :
This may be a completely naive question, but who exactly is Tyler? Or is that even possible to answer?
from musikoid :
I didn't perceive you to be ignoring me at all. It takes me a long time to get to emails from people and I should definitely start sending fewer of them (whether they appear to be "spam" or not). It took me a while to answer your reply from recently to my G-Mail so no worries. On the age thing I often say things like "when I went to college a hundred years ago" and grossly exaggerate the figure because I find it dates me less when I do that then when I state my actual age. The guy at the bagel shop had me 13 years younger just now. But it is true, I don't *act* my age in many respects because there's a part of me that "never grew up" which is probably why I get along so well with people who are 30-something. My daughter is 31 and it seems almost magically that many of my friends, both online and off, are around 30 or 31. I'm a magnet to that age group. But also physiologically I think I'm younger than most of my peers. Jim the Janitor is only 4 years older than me but easily looks and sort-of thinks 20 years older than me. Most of my peers, though they may not have had the mental health issues I've had, have had *far* more physical health issues. One guy is dying of prostate cancer at this moment, and I've managed to come away my whole life so far with nothing but a low thyroid and a low Vitamin D level. So - I think my running and my music have kept me young. But I still wish I had my shit together.
from musikoid :
I also tend to quickly jump to the conclusion that the missing item has been stolen, probably because I've been ripped off so much in recent years. Biker Dennis down the hall says he does the same thing. Pardon me if I'm repeating myself (I do that), but he was thinking somebody had stolen his paper towels when he couldn't find them to give me a couple to use as coffee filters. I forgot I had moved my new singing microphone the other day, and assumed one of the neighbors had stolen it before I found it shortly later in the closet. The fact is, I've not been ripped off here once. Dennis was the guy who found my wallet in the laundry room, and he removed it for safekeeping till he ran into me, not knowing which room I was in at the time. (He's on staff here.) For me, these things are all part of the culture shock and lifestyle change phenomenon. Half the time, I literally don't know what's coming next. (I say this, tomorrow being Black Friday. Or should we call it White Friday? Don't mind me.)
from musikoid :
Height of the Grunge era. OK I first tuned into grunge when the guy across from me in my studio apartment in Burlingame played in a grunge band. That would have been mid-nineties. So I've been trying to figure out how old you are (approximately), and had already been thinking you're probably in your mid-to-late 30's, or early forties. I guess the math confirms that, more-or-less. My age, of course, is no secret.
from musikoid :
I didn't start on the coffee till I was 19. Then I started staying up all night in the local Sambo's restaurant (yes, they still had Sambo's restaurants in those days!), usually with all the theatre people, being a Dramatic Arts major at the time. I ran into my first-year roommate from the dorm when I was in my junior and he very seriously asked me what had happened to me - genuinely concerned. He said that I had used to be this very calm, quiet person, though a bit spacey - and now I was bouncing off the walls. I had not yet used illegal drugs (I first used acid later on when I was 20, pot came at the age of 21). So when I honestly told him it was "coffee" that had me zinging, he was flabbergasted. Interesting memory...
from musikoid :
I've used paper towels, kleenex, toilet paper - they all kind of halfway work, like you say. Funny, this guy Dennis didn't think he had any filters, and was suggesting paper towels, which he was sure he had in his place. Then he invited me over and proceeded to look for the paper towels. When he couldn't find them, he started acting just like *me* -- that is, he began gradually to assume that aomebody had stolen him. I left after a bit, then a while later he knocked on the door with the filters. Anyway, I never started drinking coffee till I was 19 and already (forced) out of the house. Never had to worry about escaping from my dad, since he favored my brother and the two of them spent all their time together without me.
from papotheclown :
Thank you, Jack. I'm sure you know what it feels like to have someone just check in on you. It means a lot.
from musikoid :
OK cool. I wondered as I went to bed last night (or rather, early this morning), if two people could possibly have thought up that name...
from musikoid :
Oh wow - I did send it to the wrong address. It didn't bounce. Well - I doubt they'll steal it. I have copyright info on it if they even bother to open the file. Let me resend.
from musikoid :
Odd - maybe it's delayed. I sent it from my G-Mail and later replied to the emails you sent to my Zoho. Let me send it again, from my Zoho.
from musikoid :
I just sent you an mp3. If you can't open it, let me know.
from musikoid :
Ah - it was your sister. I get it now. Somehow that makes it even more beautiful.
from musikoid :
Sent you the first three scenes of my script tonight, finished them at around three in the morning. No pressure or rush on reading - but they're there when you want them.
from musikoid :
I always read everyone's stuff too, except for when I get behind if the person (like me) updates very frequently and/or posts very lengthy entries. Even then, I try to catch everything, but sometimes I lapse. I tend to remember what others have written, but I often forget what I have written myself. About the *deleting* of entries, it's an insecurity of mine. Sometimes I delete it because I judge the quality of writing harshly, but usually it's because I think I'm "ranting" - and it's ugly to me when I look at it later after my mood has calmed. That's probably not a good thing to do - but like I said, it's an insecurity. Earlier on, some people whom I liked very much sort of rejected me because of the rant - or perhaps specific things said in the rants that might have offended or triggered certain readers - and so I'm trying to balance out my desire to speak my mind precisely with my desire to retain friends among people whom I care about.
from musikoid :
Wow - I just deleted that entry, just before I saw your note. I did save it to a text file first. You must be a good reader, or read very carefully. I did put a bit of work into that entry, making sure it kinda "built up" - consolidating all the "anti-rich" stuff toward the end of the entry. I think there are some lines in there I can use in my show, particularly the last short paragraph. But I deleted it impulsively out of self-hatred.
from musikoid :
That's like - highly metaphorical. You "showed your hand." I wasn't sure who you were writing to - but that person deeply cares about you.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. I just spent four hours on a diary entry, maybe you read it. It used to be two entries, I fused it into one. It's not great writing - I just had to get it out of my system. I like the last paragraph, though. + Also have thought of sending you an email recently. I'll look forward to hearing from you, if you reach me first.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've been reading. The sordid expose struck me as fascinating - your stark take on yourself is definitely refreshing and invigorating. But this is nothing new. I wish I had something more valuable to contribute right now, but I don't. I may be a bit more preoccupied than usual.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm sure I will descend again at some point and have fellowship with the earthlings once again, soon.
from papotheclown :
That's solid advice, I think I'll work up to calling on the old friends and asking for a hangout. But baby steps. First, leave the house. That's my goal for today.
from papotheclown :
I am glad I survived too. As always, thank you for your powerful words.
from minstrelite :
Merry Christmas to you as well! (Albeit a day late...)
from musikoid :
I'm actually extremely hygienic when I have the wherewithal as well as the motivation to be that way. In homelessness, I lacked both. It was hard to focus on something as relatively non-essential to survival as hygiene, when most of my time and energy was spent scrounging up food and a place to catch up on sleep, as well as escaping the more dangerous sorts who roam the streets in search of easy marks for their robbery. If I wanted to have any time for my creative work at all, hygiene was usually the first thing to go. The time and energy involved in trying to come up with a pair of clean socks was just a lot more than I even wanted to deal with. But also, when I've lived indoors and haven't had sufficient money, I've sometimes sluffed it off as well. Right now it's very essential, because I'm working - and at a church, no less - in a position where I'm always visible to the entire congregation. So if I don't look sharp, it shows. I think I want to add that I can relate to Depression as being something that makes it difficult to keep it up as well. I read recently that the semi-beard one gets from neglecting to shave for four or five days is sometimes called a "depression beard." I can feel that. Anyway, thanks for your appreciation of my note. My heart went out to you, and I had to say something. I hope things are proceeding closer toward your goal these days - I'm rootin' for ya.
from jaysthoughts :
Oy "Jack". Happy Holidays and so forth.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just finished reading your most recent entry. I just want to say, it is really hard *not* to love you - at least from here. About stinky socks and rancid pheromones, I used to go weeks when I was homeless without changing any of my clothing at all, let alone socks. Socks were like gold down there, and homeless guys fought each other over shirts and sweatshirts we would find on the ground. What I'm saying is that in the so-called "real" world, people tune into stuff like hygeine and they pass judgments accordingly. But *WE* see you as who you are - beautiful, vital, luminous. It's really hard not to love you, Jack.
from musikoid :
Dude! You just gave me a Good Muse. When Mark Twain said he could live three days on a compliment, he must have taken the words straight out of my mouth. Those words are golden - AND - I can use them all. :)
from papotheclown :
You are truly one of the most encouraging people in my life and that means even more considering everything that you are going through and the fact that we don't even know each other's real names. Thank you for being so kind.
from musikoid :
Probably it's due to an old computer. I don't know what special new software or add-ons would be needed, however. My own computer is a 2011, and I don't have problems playing them. So maybe yours is more aged than that. In any case, if you're comfortable leaving a postal address to my email, I'd be happy to send you a CD.
from minstrelite :
I'm glad you pointed out No. 7 on #339. I had to go back to see which one that was, but I think the way you worded your response has been helpful to me. It might indeed be the beginning of *true* self-love. Not arrogance or narcissism, but an actual healthy attitude toward oneself. I think too many of us never bother to find our own integrity, or own individual identity in this society. The emphasis all too often is on fitting in with the social norms and not making waves. People who think outside the box are often regarded as threats to the system, which appears to be part of what is happening with you in dealing with the control-freak whom you've been discussing in your diary. As I've learned about myself, I have a rebellious spirit. But that's not necessarily a bad thing at all, if the rebellious energy can be directed toward something worth rebelling against. This nation was obviously not founded by kiss-asses who didn't want to make waves, and I think one would have to agree with that no matter where they stand on the political spectrum. So it doesn't stand to reason that we accept a society in which freedom of expression is suppressed. Thank you for your words, and for the thoughts they have catalyzed.
from musikoid :
I went back fairly far (to the 13th), and did find one wrong link. The correct link to "Hunted" is https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando/hunted-6p and I've fixed it in the entry. Other than that I couldn't find anything wrong. They all load up very quickly on my system.
from musikoid :
I do have my music on two different sites, so I'll go ahead and give you the urls: https://edeninbabylon.com and https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando + On the first you'll want to navigate to places like https://edeninbablyon.com/babylon or https://edeninbabylon.com/winston-greene/score etc. You'll figure it all out once the home page loads. It may be that I've typed some links incorrectly in my diaries. I'll check. Thanks for noting.
from catsoul :
I just decided to. Was wondering how you have been doing. Is that alright by you? Gotta ask the question??????? =^..^=
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. As they say, always darkest before the dawn.
from musikoid :
Not at all. The compliment was beautiful. I haven't smoked, though maybe I will. Smoking before church bugged me, that just wasn't cool. But I didn't lose the job or anything. I've put out feelers and nobody could tell. They never can. My metabolism is unusual. 420 helps me focus when I'm manic or fragmented and nine times out of ten removes depression. As for other effects, the key is not to take that third hit. It's medication to me, but I still don't know if it's useful in the long haul. I do like the way that it can open up gateways of perception into the unknown, and I do believe that this is real. But as a person who's gotten his head torn to shreds through channeling and that kind of thing, all I can say is thank God for Music.
from musikoid :
You, Jack, are very welcome. And also thanks on the "spacey" entry. What I didn't want to admit when I was feeling very persuaded that I really shouldn't be messing with any Mary Jane at this particular time in my life, is that I honestly believe all that stuff. It's not just some 420-related hallucination. My perceptions become altered just enough for me to clearly discern that the music, in its perfect form, has already somehow been written somewhere, and it's just sitting there, like Bob Dylan once said, waiting for somebody to pick it up. The problem, of course, is that more than one composer might pick it up at the same time. We have similar phenomena in science and other fields. They say Newton and Liebniz both discovered the Calculus in mathematics at almost the same time in history, independently of one another. Music has that kind of perfection to it, in its purest form - that kind of Divinity. Not everybody is convinced of that - but I am.
from musikoid :
Of course he's afraid of you. You're a threat to his control issues. Anyway thanks for the compliment, but shucks it was nothing. Basically I'm rooting for you, I have a feeling you're going to pull through, and I'll be interested in seeing how it all pans out in your favor.
from floodtide :
I can offer no comfort or wisdom, but I can promise you this: *I* give a shit about you. I think about you every day with love and compassion and hopes for healing or even just calm. Someone is on your side.
from papotheclown :
I have no real words of solace or advice for you. But I am with you. Keep pressing on, friend.
from musikoid :
and
from musikoid :
He's a megalomaniac, ans he must be stopped. If everybody's on your side, then "safety in numbers" applies. Maybe Quality Control can disqualify this pompous buffoon in some way. It seems he preys upon the popular weakness people have for pills of all sorts in our society. Since a lot of people just love to gobble 'em up, he thrives on that, and if somebody resists, he sees it is a threat. You, much as you are merely trying to keep your case alive and get your disability and get out of there, are seen as a threat to this evil idiot. I really hope you do just gut this out, whatever it takes, Jack. If we lose you, we lose a shining light, a luminary. Why does this society dehumanize its visionaries? Why do we criminalize the Artists and institutionalize the Saviors? I am triggered, yes - but only to outrage. I'm not going to lose my life over this; I just don't want to see you lose yours. The loss would not be mine, but humanity's. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't cross a line.
from musikoid :
"Are we God's drug induced dream?" Wow -
from musikoid :
I applaud you for keeping up the fight. You're in control; you do have a legal right to refuse any medication. I trust the main thing is to get your disability and ensure that you have sufficient support.
from minstrelite :
No - thank *you.* ;)
from musikoid :
Coming off Abilify could have a lot to do with it. I'm not one to talk to about psych meds, I'm afraid. They actually finally listed me as having allergies to Abilify, Seroquel, Respirdal, Trilafon, and Geodon because of the way they affected me, I couldn't stand any of them. On Geodon I lost my center completely, it was scary.
from musikoid :
Hard to say (of course) but I somehow doubt that it's "too late" for you. Usually, the first step in change is to recognize the thing that needs changing. That you seem to have done. However, it's not clear that you want to change it. That's what I see anyway, from a limited perspective. As for me, yeah I get bored easily. Sometimes I throw in crazy shit just to make things interesting. This may or may not be a bad thing to do -- but it's what I do. Sometimes I regret it; sometimes I don't. It's pretty easy not to take it seriously, unless it really screws somebody up (myself included). But most of the time, all it does is pass the time.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just finished reading your recent entry, which was impressive in its capacity to really paint a clear self-portrait in so many aspects - you as a human being, you where you are right now, and so forth. Say, here is a question for you: are you a person who gets bored easily? Would you consider yourself as such?
from musikoid :
Hey Jack. Thanks for your detailed note. I was able to get out of work this morning - of course. They're decent people, and they would not have been so crass. They actually had not been expecting me even to call, otherwise they'd have called me first. But Norman appreciated my wanting to seal it up one to one, and I assured him I would stay in communication. I'll be writing more about this as the day goes on. This loss is overwhelming. It's not what I felt when my Mom died, at all.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack.
from musikoid :
It should be the same password now. I forgotten I had changed it the other night when I was out-of-it with all those pills. Then, there was a death in the family.
from chakra-nadi :
If you are paying to work, you should quit. It can't be that difficult to find another shit job after a few weeks off.
from musikoid :
Sure does.
from musikoid :
That's why I was laughing so hard while I was reading that one entry. It's not exactly nervous laughter, but I think it might stem from a deep or unconscious need to legitimize the behavior by showing that it's enjoyable, even though observers of it might think I'm bonkers or even be a bit freaked out by it. One feels strangely powerful at such moments.
from musikoid :
Well, you see, I'm much the same way. Whenever I'm in a particularly twisted or self-destructive state, a wild form of humor emerges that can at least have Me Myself in stitches, if no one else.
from minstrelite :
Oh God you have me laughing my ass off. A *horribly* funny story is right! I'm taking a break after "Likes me?" -- I'm gonna pee in my pants.
from musikoid :
I'm still not halfway thru your recent entry, and still pondering what kind of strange political move it may have been on the nurse's part to tell the therapist that she likes you. But I had to pause to quote you here: "If I smelled fear, it was there. I can taste your blood on the air." Shit, that's great stuff, dude.
from musikoid :
Right - instant mood results. I notice this. I feel more steady after working out, with less of a "swing." Also tend to focus better.
from musikoid :
Gotcha on the lack of sleep and the power of the subconscious.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the compliment. I remember at the Berkeley Fellowship of A.A. where I used to get my free cup of coffee in the morning, they used to always tell me I had a nice reading voice whenever I volunteered to read the literature. I used to like reading bedtime stories to my daughter and my stepdaughter, and hell, I've been doing theatre most of my life expect for the past ten years or so, and I guess some aspects of the Actor in me never die. Yeah whenever you can get around to it unhassled, that would be fine, no rush of course. Also I did get your new email, I just haven't yet crafted a reply.
from musikoid :
Chock it up to the broadcast feature on Adobe Audition 3. ;)
from minstrelite :
Re #5 & #7 on list 307, *no* - thank YOU.
from musikoid :
Just read your recent entry - will have to backtrack to catch some of the context. I wasn't triggered but I will say that your writing on this one was *extremely* engaging. Brutal in places, but so well-written, one is envious, one is.
from musikoid :
I was a bit shaken at the time of writing the previous note, so I neglected to thank you for your words of appreciation toward my entry "The Reason." I just went back and re-read it to see what I had written. You know, that *is* an unusually good one. It's hit & miss, I guess, when you have an online diary that you're willing to let others read, even though you're trying to be as personal as possible about your deepest darkest shit. Yours is great that way, by the way. I often go: "this is a guy to whom I can relate." Some of the variables might be different - but hey, we're human. Same shit, different pile. Anyway, it really does help for me to "keep it simple" and remember that this is a job, the deal is, suit up, show up, shut up, and do the fucking job. Whether they fire me later is immaterial to the fact of the present day paycheck upon which I sit. I'm lucky I'm not on the streets. So - perspective is gold.
from musikoid :
No worries about the multiple notes, it's part of what makes DiaryLand so cool. I just wish I hadn't gone and deleted all my old notes from both diaries one day in some kind of fit, because it would be a gas to go back to the year 2002 and be able to look at them all. About the shakes, it's a little ironic I said I didn't identify, because three hours ago I was getting shakes of a different kind that I guess I'd forgotten I get. Two other guys were present, one of whom being this janitor fellow who makes me a bit uncomfortable, and my brain was trying to process about five things at once at the mysterious moment when my wallet disappeared. That was over three hours ago and I'm only now recovering. Some guy had pulled my clothes out of the dryer and laid them on top in order to put his own clothes in on my dollar. I was infuriated and those other two guys were around, and no doubt my wallet was lost in the scuffle. Unless I left it in my hoodie pocket and the guy snatched it when he yanked my clothes out of the dryer. Most people at the building have been pretty cool but all it takes is one jerk like that. I hope I find my wallet, so all this hate I'm feeling will go away. Anyway thank you for your notes. I can probably speak more profoundly about father figures at a near future moment.
from musikoid :
This is not in response to any particular entry of yours, but I couldn't help but read some of your notes when I left a note for floodtide. I also have those dreams. Sometimes I have them for nights on end, and then they disappear. My Mom and Dad will both be in the dreams, both be still alive, both be acting exactly as they've always acted - yet I am an adult in the dreams. In a sense, that is. I wonder if those dreams reflect a deep internal need for ongoing dependency on parental figures. This may also be what leads some people toward monotheistic (or even polytheistic) religions involving a Partiarch (and perhaps a Matriarch.) My fascination with such matters is what enables me to overcome the emotional pain of it all - although I guess some would call that "sublimation" (or even *denial.*) Anyway, just expressing some identification. I do have to admit that I don't know what those shakes are like. I've seen them, especially in my brother-in-law who fell off a boat when he was drunk and died at the age of 46. But I've not had them. I have had "other things" happen on the "morning after," - if you get my meaning - and they were none too pleasant, for myself and others.
from musikoid :
That previously note was obviously meant to come from Minstrelite. You already know that but my ego wouldn't let me leave out the information.
from musikoid :
Yes. It's also a trip when the synchronicity is the first thing that hits you first thing in the morning. You wake up with the sense that life has meaning.
from minstrelite :
On #10, A Buddhist teacher once wrote: "We are never trapped in life, for everywhere are opportunities for spontaneity and improvisation." It's one of those sayings that has stuck with me.
from minstrelite :
Very true.
from papotheclown :
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
from minstrelite :
Yeah I get the chuckle on No. 9. Telling myself that I may know how cruddy I feel upon making appearance, but they don't necessarily know - or need to.
from minstrelite :
I've noticed, the times when I've done it consistently (every morning over a period of time) that it actually *does* work. I might feel stupid, or like you said just repeating the same stuff over and over, or even feel phony or hypocritical. Or just - corny or something. But it somehow helps, even in problem-solving, to acknowledge the good stuff you've got going on. It's not as though one is ignoring the problems, it's more like one is reminded why they need to be solved, and how they can be.
from musikoid :
That does suck. Maybe try a different browser? Sometimes things are just slow.
from musikoid :
I had to fix one of the links, but it should have been working till recently. I just checked all four and they work on my end on different browsers - they're not just going to local files. You can try again but I'm not sure what the problem would continue to be. (I assume you're referring to the links on the *Very Same World* entry.)
from papotheclown :
Glad you are still alive. Also very glad that you have people who care that much about you.
from musikoid :
You're welcome, Jack. :)
from floodtide :
I am having the same fear: I shake. At first I thought it meant my surgery wasn't successful. Then I realized it was always after 24-48 hours without a drink. So I think it's withdrawal. I've been making sure I get a drink at regular intervals over the weekend, because I couldn't bear the idea of shaking while in Utah (where I had to write constantly) but I'm thinking this week I need to try to detox. Just get THROUGH the shaking shit and let my body recover. Don't know if I can do it.
from musikoid :
Got it. I wrote back with info on both diaries.
from musikoid :
Right.
from musikoid :
Never heard of One Leg. This would have been ten or twelve years ago, and it would have been Minstrelite if not Musikoid. But now that you mention Enurta, I don't think we interacted - I think your name is familiar from seeing your notes on Enurta's page.
from musikoid :
We might have interacted before - your username sounds familiar. I changed mine from my original name because I offended everybody when I first came on here while I was having a manic episode. I'm thinking of changing back so I can make good and sort of un-offend everybody. But maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. Anyway, I'll look forward to getting your email.
from musikoid :
No worries about the self-perception of nosiness or eavesdrop. But the problem is, I can't seem to get to everybody's archives. Floodtide, for example, it keeps saying he's updated - and he was going to see Little Shop in Utah, and I was wondering how the show was, and all that. Some other people, I get to their archives all right, but I can't always seem to find them. I've been suggesting people write to Andrew and put "Can you fix DiaryLand, please?" in the email. He tends not to "man the store," but I've noticed in the past that enough people bombard him with emails all having the same subject line, it will often jar him into responding. By the way, Jack, if you want my password, send me an email at manlygodlyfather at zoho dot com.
from cherrygash :
Really enjoyed your last entry. A couple spots made me laugh but then some were so real, they hit close to home.
from papotheclown :
Then let's raise our glasses to solidarity then. We'll get through this.
from papotheclown :
Virtual hugs are totally allowed. I really do appreciate your support and am sorry that you can relate to so much of what I am going through. Someday we will be old sages sitting on top of mountains and this will all seem like nothing.
from floodtide :
My (semi-adopted, long story) son is a cutter. Has been since maybe junior high school. It was very, very hard for me to learn that the more I begged him to stop, the more likely he was to continue. I won't beg you to stop, I'll just say I'm sorry you're feeling out of control. I hate that feeling, and it's pretty much all I've got these days. You are in my thoughts; I send love and compassion and care.
from papotheclown :
That was a powerful. Thanks for sharing. I am glad you see me. I am glad I have the opportunity to see you too.
from floodtide :
Yes, Rothko. With whom and with whose work I am borderline-obsessed. Even though I've mostly given up acting, it's a life goal to play Rothko in John Logan's play "RED." (Again: "life goal" may be less accurate than "borderline-obsession.") Thanks for your kind notes. I have been journaling since I was a kid in high school, on and off through college and various grad degrees, etc., and D-land was a perfect place to land (a buddy suggested it to me, though he no longer writes here). I started in 2000 or 2001 - about the same time as you - but at some point I dropped out and erased the whole thing because my diary, public at the time, hurt someone I love very badly when she came across it inadvertently. I downloaded a backup copy, but I'll be damned if I can remember the password to unlock the MS Word file. Your diary is beautiful. Art, even. Please keep recording and sharing. I hope I've made a friend.
from floodtide :
For reasons I can't begin to explain I clicked on your diary in the "Recent public entries" window on the right side of the page, halfway through writing my own entry for the morning. I read one entry and was hooked. What a gift your honesty and vulnerability are. I don't presume you'd want to read my own d-land stuff, but I can't read you without at least offering to share in-kind: username: recondite password: phoenix Thanks for what you share. It matters, and it helps. - gwm, aka flood
from papotheclown :
I don't think I have any words of wisdom regarding your last entry, but I do want to say that I think you are a beautiful writer. Keep being you.
from daath :
I equally do not understand the reactions and feelings of others, so far as I am concerned. Unless I am actively trying to be charming to get a desired response, that some manifested behavior registers a positive or negative emotion is strange--but especially so when it's positive. People quite largely do not give a shit. Anything beyond apathy or idle curiosity in an equal power exchange makes no sense.
from papotheclown :
I really appreciate the kind words. I needed them. I try to believe I am worthy of love, but it is hard to when all the evidence seemingly points to the contrary. I am still trying though. I keep telling myself that someday all this suffering will seem like nothing compared to the joy I will reap from it. Right now, it mostly just hurts. Thank you again for being here.
from papotheclown :
I've never heard that song before. I like it. Thank you.
from papotheclown :
I think what keeps me coming back to Diaryland after all these years is this weird and specific kind of community. We don't know each other at all, but we do know each other's pain. We all seem to be going through different forms of the same thing. I'm glad we can be there for each other.
from the-grey-one :
Cats are amazing. If picturing someone else in your situation/life helps you to be kinder to yourself or to have your own back, I say keep up with that as much as you can.
from papotheclown :
Reading about your sessions made me cringe with anxiety. Just know we are here with you in whatever way displaced words can be.
from the-grey-one :
That sessions sounds so intense, I am very glad you got through it. I totally get why you wouldn't want to up your medication as well. Shame is a motherfucker, and becomes so raw when someone is looking at it. Also, I think it's awesome you viewed yourself as you would a friend and felt that desire to protect. I very much hope you are graced with some kindness to help soothe the burn of that day.
from papotheclown :
God, that last entry was so good. I can relate to being both the bubble boy and the friend that loses patience trying to get him to re-engage the world. Acceptance is crucial, but very hard to do.
from papotheclown :
Here's hoping the sane way works.
from papotheclown :
He is a very wise man indeed. And hey, thanks for being a reader. I enjoy and appreciate you.
from the-grey-one :
Heeey. I really like the way you write your journal. I've been reading for a good while, and I'd assumed I had already told you that, but it seems I've been a quiet lurker until now. I mostly just wanted to let you know that you are seen and appreciated and say hi, so hullo, fellow diarylander. I wish kind things for you.
from papotheclown :
Yes, I think you described that kind of lack of connection quite well. I wonder if we are writers because we have trouble with real life social interaction or if it's the reverse. Hard to say. And funnily enough, I too have fallen sort of in love with another Diarylander and have become quite close friends with several others. I have never met any of them in real life. It's part of the reason that keeps me coming back here and not just journaling in a private word document or something. Also funnily enough, my sister-in-law is from that very same part of the world and she and my brother will be there in just a week or so for a wedding. Maybe I'll just switch places with my brother (no one will ever notice) and go up there in his stead. I am pretty confident he'd be okay with it.
from papotheclown :
The albatross is a good analogy. I frequently compare myself to a turtle. I am graceful when I write; quick witted and confident even. But when speaking, I have trouble finding words, I can stutter and have a very hard time making eye contact. Nonetheless, when I am writing I find that it doesn't really matter who the audience is, I am basically still just writing to myself. In that regard, I feel like I am never really connecting with anyone. Which is why I am trying to talk more and have in person human connection. What part of the world do you live in? I live in Colorado, where it is almost always good weather for a walk (not that I do it much).
from papotheclown :
Also, I love that you refer to your diary as an asshole license. It's a great description of all of our blogs. This is the repository for our darkest and deepest thoughts. If we lived in the same town, I would suggest we go for a walk. Actually talking is so much different than writing. I hope you find someone to actually talk to. As it is, you can always talk to me. I'd even give you my email or whatever if that's easier. Take care of yourself.
from papotheclown :
I really appreciate you. Thank you.
from cherrygash :
Pickles and beef jerky, hilarious stuff.
from papotheclown :
Thank you, friend.
from papotheclown :
Hey look! I'm your last four notes! Exciting. I think the execution part of mindfulness is the hardest part for all of us. That's why Buddha refers to it as "cultivation." It takes some real time to let those ideas take root and start flowering. It'll happen eventually. I like the idea of going to sleep with a rock or something in my hand. I might steal it from you.
from papotheclown :
That's very good advice. I feel like I am always the one that complicates things in the friends-with-benefits situations. I start thinking that they are getting attached and then I start freaking out. I just need to learn to calm myself down.
from papotheclown :
Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Stress builds up even when we ignore it.
from papotheclown :
That's good advice. I ended up hanging out with my friends that night anyway and ended up enjoying myself. If nothing else, I felt they valued the fact that I am so willing to listen.
from enurta :
thank you Jack, I wish you the same my dear friend.
from enurta :
musikoid had the same problem. I don't know what's wrong.
from enurta :
try using chrome. or maybe it's just d-land fucking about. is mine the only locked one that does not open?
from enurta :
WHAT? thats so fucking weird
from enurta :
thanks jack.
from enurta :
Well this is the weird part - I don't have a cold and no mucous at all. the nurse on the phone thought it had evolved further - apparently if you do not treat a sinus infection things can get dire. I have no sense of smell and haven't had one for at least a year now. I cannot breathe through my nose but there is no mucous what so ever. it's just dry and painful in there. it hurts. I have no idea what's wrong with me. going to see my MD in a couple of hours. I hope she can help and doesn't refer me to the same doctor that said my problems were 'nothing' last time. I don't like him. he's mean. I hate to be in the mercy of a doctor. they can basically tell you or do whatever they fuck they want and nobody can contradict them. unless you die. and even if you do - the consequences aren't that serious for them. there's an excuse for everything and people patting them on the back telling them they did what they could. frankly I think it's disgusting. a doctor should lose his/her license if they make a mistake and somebody ends up dead. but for us 'patients' or whatever dying is the easy way out. there are things that are worse. like suffering and suffering while nobody gives a shit until your body just collapses and you're a vegetable. God knows how much this body has been used and abused. no wonder this is happening. if something were to happen I have no one to help me either so let's hope it's nothing and if it is something that I fucking die. I do not want to be tortured any more.
from enurta :
yes of course you can. but that also means poor decisions will be made since you have no say in the matter. if you thought being 'you' was awful - the one in control now won't help you.
from enurta :
you saved Tom's life 10 years ago (with a note full of information) and you are a talented writer. I've always looked up to you. when someone helps me, I always help them back. no matter what the hell is going on in my life. take care Jack, you are a beautiful person and everything happens for a reason...remember that. xoxo
from enurta :
please...just don't. I can't losing another person. you have inspired me a lot. you are so good at writing, please, I am going through my own stuff right now so I can't really e-mail you or anything but please...it's stupid. you are going to regret it in the after-life. it's not worth it. don't do it. I beg you.
from enurta :
um. you have no idea what that is. it could be anything with that bs printed on the bottle. and you need to check if it's okay to take with the other meds, you know? worst thing is not dying. worst thing is maybe having a stroke, or being in a coma. or fucking up yourself so you're disabled like a vegetable with a daiper not being able to speak for the rest of your life. I will check out what they exactly 'are' and e-mail you. you are a free man jack, but suicide solves nothing.
from enurta :
thank you for your wise words, Jack <3 you're absolutely right.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, mid shift jobs are the worst. Your whole days is just gone. That guinea pig at the pet store was awesome. They were hiring, but they are only open 11-7. That's totally mid shift and I won't do those anymore. Plus, I'd probably turn into a pet hoarder just to try and save all those poor animals. You should have seen the macaw parrot. It looked suicidal. Very sad place.
from enurta :
the sun exists thanks to shadow, and vice versa. this is so interesting...when I read this part; "Even when people were trying to sleep and closed the curtains rudely in Sun's face, he understood. Sun really did love everyone. One day, Sun decided to call on his old friend Shadow. They had not talked in a few weeks, maybe months. And Sun missed Shadow." I automatically assumed that Shadow and Sun were the same entity. that the sun turned to shadow because "people rudely closed the curtains" in his face...nice story. but people who are HAPPY all the time are not exactly normal. they apparently do not see the suffering in the world and feel no empathy. therefore, they are psychopaths. how about Sun telling Shadow all these good things he thinks of him? I do not understand Sun at all. or maybe it's just me and my weird mind. Nice story anyway :)
from chakra-nadi :
I have had plenty of issues with people. Nothing ever happens. I don't even bother taking things to the manager anymore, I just get revenge on whoever fucked me over. It's like being in prison working at the hotel. You always have to watch your back and guard your shit. It really is like anarchy and it's draining. It's made me do things I would never normally do to people, just to survive. Which is why I am looking for another job, but this schedule is just so 1990s, I don't think I could find another like it ever again, so I deal the best I can. Sorry no raise for you. I was surprised I got one myself.
from chakra-nadi :
Everyone at my job gets away with almost anything. It's a little like anarchy there. We have an extremely passive and lazy manager. Just don't get caught stealing, don't make rascist comments to people's faces, and don't do more than 3 no call no shows in a row. Those are the only things I have heard people got fired for.
from chakra-nadi :
No. Never heard of that book. I don't have TV or read the paper but news filters in anyway. Too much internet. Money corrupts all that is good. There is something to be said for keeping money out of what you enjoy doing.
from papotheclown :
I really liked the backpack story. Thank you.
from daath :
Enterpainer is a brilliant term. Pain binds in its vicious sincerity.
from daath :
Therapists randomly rescheduling? That just strikes me as daffy.
from enurta :
I was just honest, no need to thank me <3 you know, you helped me with something back in 2005. Tom was puking up worms, and I didn't know what to do, he was sick for 6 or seven months I think. until you told me there is a injection a cat can get. I knew nothing about cats at the time, still you took the time to write me a long note to help me. I am forever grateful to you for that. you are a good person, Jack.
from chakra-nadi :
exactly. doctors are just middle men in the legal drug trade of this country. You have to stop and think why they allow certain addictive drugs to be legal and hand them out like halloween candy, and others to be schedule 1. I will try my best to get you a real email soon. I know it's been a long while. Sorry about that! Take care.
from gonzoprophet :
i support you, dude. and was really bothered by the way your therapist treated the situation...like honestly, felt outrage. your last few lines calmed it out of me but still.
from chakra-nadi :
guess he ran out of ideas and decided to cash in on his best and biggest money maker. probably needed some money for therapy. Or alimony. Kill your idols.
from daath :
I have not gotten to drinking in the morning, but it is about the only thing that makes me happy most days.
from chakra-nadi :
my job is ok as long as no one calls in sick, then she turns into a psycho hick from hell.
from chakra-nadi :
yup. been just as cold here. sweet you got internet at home! looking forward to hearing from you.
from chakra-nadi :
Got your email. I will let you know when I get the snail mail. Can't remember the last time I got something that wasn't a bill. We are going out of town, so I need to run, will write you later.
from daath :
Fight the good fight.
from exhaust :
You are all set :)
from exhaust :
I will turn your user name and password on once the note is gone. I had to turn my notes off and back on again for it to go away - Andrew doesn't respond any more.
from ogawa :
hey, of course you're welcome! :) what's your e-mail address? I'll send the password ASAP.
from chuffnutt :
I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still around.
from grimm0826 :
It was always a privilege to read entries from the one greater fan of Fight Club, and the one worse insomniac, in the whole freaking world, than I am!
from grimm0826 :
Once upon a time, I was Jack's fascinated reader. I'm back now, and still catching up on my reading. Regards from the Grimm One, and it's good to see you still kicking.
from al-bal :
You were, but I'm glad you're well. Signs of life are always reassuring.
from al-bal :
I miss corresponding with you. Anyway, I wish you well and I hope to hear from you.
from fuzzems :
welcome back jack.... only issue is, i didn't get to see the "new" jack... i guess they say life isn't fair for a reason
from fuzzems :
It's only a matter of tie before reality becomes oddly interesting enough to lie among... Welcome back. My nudge was only meant to show you that i am still breathing. Sometimes I think it's for the best though that i not update. Let the posting resume
from fuzzems :
It's only a matter of tie before reality becomes oddly interesting enough to lie among... Welcome back. My nudge was only meant to show you that i am still breathing. Sometimes I think it's for the best though that i not update. Let the posting resume
from the29th :
Glad to see you post again, sir.
from u-saved-me :
welcome back, missed you. it's nice to hear from you again.
from daath :
I started Daath to play around with words. After college it was the only constant I had. All of the people I met, places I occasionally found myself in as a function of it. There can be a strange intermingling between the two worlds. It's sad that not much happens here post-Facebook. Sadder still to think you're off some place. I enjoy your writing.
from al-bal :
Yeah, I can relate. It's the anonymity that encourages me to keep writing. I've been writing here since I was very young, and my actual identity would kill the allure, I've no doubt. I've been horrible at expressing myself for my entire life, but at least you don't hear my stutter or the occasional lisp in my writing!
from al-bal :
I'm sure we all could use a break from reality. I don't write often, myself, because it's difficult for me to pretend that I'm okay after I open myself up to everyone on here. I wish it was this easy in person. I'm not so complex. I should probably start writing more often though. It makes me feel better.
from fuzzems :
I am back. I needed reality to escape from my world. I have a lot of reading to do it seems. Anonymity tends to be the best release. Turn your head and truth from those who know you. Or feel they know you.....I missed the days of feeling more like you than the complete fakeness known as my life. Update. I am.
from al-bal :
I absolutely adore your writings. I wish you updated more often. Take care, darling.
from wistful-blue :
no - i *don't* feel better. why did the whole "episode" last summer/fall hurt so much? because i (foolishly) opened my heart and fell in love with someone who doesn't really exist... there, i said it. do *you* feel better now?
from bokonist :
i randomly came across this diary about a year ago and it fascinated me. im finally drunk enough on red wine to try and connect with you. if you would like to get in touch, email me at greengossamer@gmail.com. fuck, this is awkward.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, I can not say I have either. I am not even sure if the charismatic Tylers of the world really are as self assured as they project to the rest of us. But some probably are. They know how to fill a need in so many of the rest of us.
from chuffnutt :
Yeah, the whole "Personal Jesus" thing makes me think, in that we're always looking outside ourselves for that someone to make us feel whole. Human kind may never find that within themselves. I haven't.
from sunstargirl :
yep. I knew it. White kids are monsters.
from sunstargirl :
bet your friend with the spoiled child is white. White people have the worst behaved children.
from sunstargirl :
isn't it interesting how free style writing almost always turns out better than anything planned?
from sunstargirl :
wow, really intense.
from chakra-nadi :
my life is totally fouled up right now. They are claiming they can't pay rent, we told them they have to. This isn't a battle we can afford to lose, and it's not a battle I am up to fighting, but I am doing my best to be an asshole to them. I made appointments with psychologist and psychiatrist, been taking pat's anti-anxiety. I don't think we're going to make it out of this with ownership of the house. Going to have to take on a second job if we don't get rent soon, until the house is sold. Pretty depressed.
from chakra-nadi :
oh, the entry before, no. And I do enjoy the things you've sent to me.
from chakra-nadi :
nope. really shitty zines that i bought trying to support people and feeling totally ripped off because they were total shit did.
from wtng4lezlie :
His name is Robert Paulson.
from chakra-nadi :
never seen the ginger ice cream. that sounds really good. I really like the HD 5 ingredient coffee and their amazon chocolate. A little too much. I don't know if I could go totally vegan, since I like ice cream so much! I have to really make sure I don't eat it often, because it's addictive. They make all sorts of vegan ice cream flavors, but they don't sell them in this town, which sucks.
from sunstargirl :
that is really fascinating. Why death?
from enurta :
I'm glad you're still here :)
from i-am-jack :
Chuffnut, I'm not sure if you are going to read this, but since you deleted your profile, there is no way for me to reply to your notes. It makes me feel bad, that you are letting me know you're still here, and there isn't a way for me to let you know, that I know. I can hardly express how much it means to me, that you not only have been reading me this long, but that you even know me well enough to send me notes like this. You were there for a lot of my entries about defriending induced insecurities. That was one of the reasons I had to take a break for a long time here. I still remember what you told me in your guest book, about the people that matter being the ones that stay around. It took me a long time, but I am finally starting to really see that, as well as take comfort in it. Thank you.
from chuffnutt :
I still read your diary. I've just made mine more private, so I got ride of my profile. Your name and the others had to go, but as long as I can access my notes and find you there, you're never gone or forgotten, wherever you are.
from sunstargirl :
sounds like the voice is telling you it's time to do something extraordinary - maybe take a trip somewhere?
from sunstargirl :
Ah, yous not so old. I'm class of '01. I totally remember paying AOL by the hour. My dad was still doing that up until something like 2005 for our computers at home. I remember we used to get these CDs in the mail: "Try AOL! 250 hours FREE!" Amazing how much has changed in such a short time. Soon we won't even need computers. We'll have optical implants embedded in our frontal cortex - just have to blink twice to log on.
from sunstargirl :
you know, I've never been to the D-land chat... for years I didn't know it existed at all, then when I finally found out about it I couldn't get it to work either. I guess I don't have the proper plug-ins. Internet was new when you were in high school? You must be ancient! Do you remember horse-drawn buggies too? How old are you? Have you seen American History X? It's another Norton film. It's really intense, but good. Kidding about the buggies. :)
from sunstargirl :
Do you have another diary on here called iamjackslie or is that someone else? I am absolutely terrible about keeping up with popular culture. I never know what movies are out. I blame my lack of cable. Anyway, I hadn't even heard of Death to Smoochie until it was out on video. My friend rented it and I had absolutely no idea what it was about, but it was so hilarious I made her watch it with me twice in a row. Yeah, Norton as the funny guy and Robin Williams as the bad guy? what?!? Who casted that film, honestly? And yet they were both brilliant! Shows how talented they both are as actors. One year, in college, I broke one foot, then the other not a month after getting my first cast off. I was pretty much incapacitated that whole school year. It really put a halt to my social life. So, what did I do? I became absolutely addicted to online social forums. I met tons of great people, all from the comfort of my wee little dorm room with my broken feet propped up on couch cushions. I even rediscovered my online diary here that I had initially started on a whim, then abandoned for a few years. When my feet finally healed, I found it hard to break my new online, hermit-like habits. I even met a few people in "real life." Eventually, the people I most liked stopped posting on my favorite forums so I gave them up as well, but I have never given up this diary. I ended up falling in love with my boyfriend on here, meeting him in person, and moving to his state to be with him. We've been living together for almost 4 years now. I love this place. Teh internetz pwns!!
from sunstargirl :
haha, success! I gathered she couldn't always be wrong, but it amused me nonetheless, and I was going for a laugh. I like your writing style... and Death to Smoochie is AWESOME. I also think internet friends can be just as real as people in daily life. I have many internet friends I care for very deeply. They are real to me. What is real anyway, but firing synapses in the brain? Besides, reality is overrated... not to mention it makes for absolutely horrible television.
from sr2005kse :
powerful entry. i dig.
from hijayxx :
Hey, thanks for the entry. Why dont you apply for other jobs then? Something will pan out. And if it doesnt, go to night school or so, so you become more qualified and can change to another job? Never give up, man. Change is the only constant thing in life. Good luck on your way man.. you can do it.
from lawliiet :
Your latest entry, I can relate to so much. Good to remember Im not alone but bad to know someone else has to deal with it as well.
from hijayxx :
Greetings : - )
from hijayxx :
Looks as if you need a change? The nicest idea about Fight Club was getting to point zero in my opinion (blowing up the apartment) and starting over all new doing all one ever wanted (to be). I liked that. And yeah, you appear depressive.
from fuck--that :
You would be surprised at just how much of your writing is relatable. I'm glad I could make a small difference.
from chuffnutt :
I took you off my list mostly because I cleared my entire profile. I can come to my notes, see the one you left and access you through that. I still read you though. Happy New Year!
from fuck--that :
I used to read your diary when I was much younger, and during the transition from diary to diary, I somehow lost track of you all together. I found you today, and I've spent the better part of my Christmas Eve alone catching up. I still adore you, sir. Your writing captures me entirely. You are a true gift to lonely people perusing the internet, and I'm grateful for everything you've shared. Merry Christmas, my good man, may it improve by leaps and bounds.
from the29th :
i knew you couldn't be him. but it was just so disorienting to read and feel like i was seeing the other side of my story. as soon as i'd shake the feeling off and read futher some new similarity would strike and though i knew and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't the case - i couldn't help the part of my mind going "but what if?" and it scared me. would have been like losing another something.
from brightxxeyez :
Just got done peeking at your entrees, dark and creative . I like it . ~ Catch ya latter
from the29th :
trying to catch up with all i've missed. then it was like i hit the twilight zone. it fucked with my head. rattled me. cracked funhouse mirror. i'm shook and {further} off balance. is there something i don't know? something i missed? suddenly feeling suspicious though i know i have no reason to. you aren't who i think you are. ... are you? but no, of course not. but still. disconcerting.
from fuzzems :
i dont mind crawling thru that mess...or the morbid humor
from fuzzems :
i dont mind crawling thru that mess...or the morbid humor
from fuzzems :
can i have that gun once youre done? i have my own bullet and pain killers
from mylostangel :
how come?
from mylostangel :
wow...i'm suprized you're still here...how's life been?
from pondlife :
Just looking about. Wondered what you were on about, then noticed the title of the entry. This human condition nonsense, it's a lot of bother as far as I'm concerned. Sounds like you would agree. I'm no one by the way. Cheers.
from neeeeek :
Hey Jack man, sounds like a quarter life crisis. Why don't you jsut live the fucking moement and forget about the past and future for a while? It's really relieving and you can make the best out of all. Works for me at least, some kinda Zen. Keep rollin' brotha..
from enurta :
thanks jack. i know :)
from thelongreign :
i'm thinking about you. and I'm here. just reminding you.
from brightxxeyez :
I see that you've written again ......like many others , I too understand . Anyways just wanted to check in to see what your up . I really do hope you feel better and that bright blessings surround your realm .
from thelongreign :
I know this feeling so well...I hate that you are going through this, babe. I am thinking of you and I am sending all the positive energy I have your way. I wish I could help, I wish I had the magic words, but all I can say is that I care. That I'm here. Do not hesitate to use me as a sounding board.
from thelongreign :
Hey You, I just wanted to say it's good to see you writing again. I miss you when you're quiet. Thank you for your note, thank you for reminding me I'm not alone when I need it the most...I'm here to do the same for you.
from fuzzems :
santa is for kids...christmas is for the religious...hallmark is for the old ladies who fall for it.... so glad its all over...glad to have someone on my side too
from fuzzems :
wbck. i could not, for the life of me, bring myself to put up a tree, in which everyday, nausea would make my body succomb to the lights and merriness of it all. my own mother, forgive her naiveness, gave me hell for not putting it up, i wasnt in the right spirit both her and my husband said...although he didnt put it up either. christmas is not the holiday for those who believe in a world outside of hallmark.
from rejazz :
jack's notes. its been awhile. i hope i'm still your favorite or at least in your top 10.
from ceciliaruns :
thanks jack - it is always nice to have a kindred spirit - i'll paint if you write -
from ceciliaruns :
jack my darling - one more thing upon reading. i have been on a very long journey for someone who is not long in the tooth. so i can spread before you something very similar to your own roadmap and point directly at your x. you are stuck and have been stuck for a long time just before the moment of metamorphosis. do not make the mistake of pitying yourself in this position of great pain. anyone who has not reached this point - has not lived and will not grow. i believe there is a reason we break in half. you are a catterpiller looking forlornly through bars afraid to spin his coccoon and really bleed. obsessed with suffering and fear. feeding the pain body (tyler) that is feeding you. allowing him enough power to blow the world about you into bits. do not make the mistake of believing tyler is a phantom. he is very real and he is eating you alive. there are keys and signs on your path that will point you to a way out of him - but you are afraid of life without him. afraid without him you will have no face and no soul. giving the world at large power because you believe so little in your own. when you find the courage to be without him - you will fly higher than you ever imagined was possible. i promise you that. one very important thing - a dear friend of mine was eaten to death by his very own version of tyler this last winter. it shattered many people. many more people than i think he could have even imagined. i wish he had not.
from ceciliaruns :
jack!! long time no ... cyber - see. ah, you know, self pity and shit. flip from loathing my rather cushy job straight over to news on the situation in africa where thirteen year olds rake in $2.50 for a good night of HIV rampant sex with strangers and I'm feeling a little sheepish. but what can i say - working in advertising is not as soul-fulfilling as it's cracked up to be - and sometimes, while I am pulling ten hour days of NOT PAINTING it strikes me - what have you been up to my friend?
from fuzzems :
And to that...I relate...
from thelongreign :
"Condolences on the loss of the control over your own mind. Your mutiny against yourself was a tragic loss to us all." This is a struggle I have gone through time and time again (and am currently...winning or losing, depending on which you consider NOT taking my meds) I just wanted you to know that I understand. That I care. That I'm here. That I think about you and worry about youa nd wonder about you. And oh, by the way...I'm here. :0)
from fuzzems :
Surprisingly, I feel that you relate...and the hatred that I feel for myself, I know is known by others for their own souls. My lack of writing on here does not include the self loathing written on post its...oh how i hate post its...
from fuzzems :
ive been standing in this hellhole of a life for way too long. ive been crashing a slow crash ever since i learned about who i really was: no one. and ever so slowly, im killing myself silently...depression is my best friend right now...
from the29th :
thanks... it is nice to know someone is reading them.
from fuzzems :
my disappearance, well i just dont make time for this place anymore...and i should. my writings are all boxed up in something else right now. yes when you dont have money, youre no one and you know what, im in the same boat...you know how to find me, you have my email...im more than willing to be an internet shoulder...hmmm
from enurta :
Sarah jumped out of the balcony 7 or 8 months ago and disappeared. I haven't seen her since, but I'm still looking for her. The dark tabby cat is Tom's son Mickey :)
from chuffnutt :
Longtime absence, almost disappeared. I may be back for awhile, depending on my computer, but I'm still reading you.
from fuzzems :
and our simutaneous disappearances only mean a few things...either a we are busy or b we cannot stand the sunlight...either way, were both gone
from thelongreign :
thank you for understanding where I am coming from even when I don't. i value you more than i can say
from enurta :
I don't remember your e-mail adress...can you e-mail me instead? deadpassive@hotmail.com I'll reply with login and password. <3
from the29th :
yeah, signmyguestbook has apparently gone tits up. again. dammit.
from loathe :
The biggest question is whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
from fuzzems :
And again, until theres nothing left to be processed.
from fuzzems :
That metal chute...thats what hurts the worst...
from thelongreign :
you always seem to say what I want to so much better than I can.
from the29th :
excellent
from fuzzems :
Finally...and this entry, well lets just say it has been related to several other writings written but not typed from my fingers yet. You said it before I could. Welcome back jack.
from thelongreign :
My dear...thank you for your note. You always make me feel less alone...so, thanks for that too.
from the29th :
of course you can have the pw. send me an email? i don't want to leave it in a note. email the29th at gmail dot com and i'll send it to you.
from fuzzems :
Thats pretty sad...whats even worse is that i got rid of my cookies on my computer therefore getting rid of this remember me on this computer for Diaryland, and I wasnt able to get in either...welcome to my club. Things are getting weird here but they arent as fucked up as they use to be. Oh, and I am officialy infatuated with Chuck Palahniuk...so badly that i spent like 60 bucks on his books the other day and ordered Invisible Monsters because I fought with someone before they took off with it...sigh
from fuzzems :
Hope all is well and your new years go well! xoxo fuzzems
from fuzzems :
I understand. This time of the year is one of the most depressing, even when you have people around you that claim they care/love you. And once December is over, February comes along. Then the cycle starts over again. Hell itself is knocking upon my door...xoxo
from fuzzems :
11-25-2006: Life is headed downhill once again for this dear fuzzems
from fuzzems :
I hear that one, I hear it loud and clear. Believe me...im really not any better, but I am here.
from fuzzems :
I watched Fight Club last night and I was wondering if you were doing okay...hope all is well! Becca
from fuzzems :
Thought I would leave a comment and say Smile!
from rejazz :
ive got the intrenut now. i wrote you but i can't find the envelopes and stamps i brought with me to send them. i will keep searching though. ilya.
from fuzzems :
My favorite month is Halloween...I guess its because of my upbringing...I seem more happy...and then **sigh** here comes Christmas...just wake me when its over with.
from fuzzems :
Uhm...It is officially past my favorite month of the year. And depression finally sets in in my life. hmmm sigh...
from rejazz :
never eva! i'll write soon.
from fuzzems :
There is always someone here to try to make you : ). I cannot find your email address. If you do not mind, I would love to email you again...velvetorange@hotmail.com Or you can email me first. Jack, you are someone, to atleast one person.
from daath :
You don't seem the warm and complacent type, really. The writing part is a pain in the ass, but it occassionally crosses into the worthwhile region of life.
from fuzzems :
I feel incredibly honored that I am one of the reasons that you have not given this up yet. Jack, it is refreshing to know that someone knows how to speak the words that I feel in my head. And you do not manage to write uninspired crap...it is very inspired crap, haha. That was a joke. Jack, I have faith that you can pull out of this. You will be able to bring (what you call) inspired crap back to life. And yes...I look forward to that red link stating that you have updated, its why I am still here, besides Gazrip.
from fuzzems :
You might have seemingly disappeared in your lack of writing however you are still a main point in why I am still part of diaryland.com. If it was not for you, I would be gone truthfully. Well, I would have until I started reading someone else's rants, similar to mine but not as self loathing. In all reality, Jack, I look forward to the time that I can click on the "Your Buddies" link and see your name in red, telling me that you have updated. I feel like a giddy school girl, which is pathetic on my part, but alas it does and alas I am pathetic. But I am glad that it seems nice. I am glad to make you feel nice. Just remember that.
from daath :
The scenery gets old even on a nice jogging route. If it's any consolation--which if you're like me is doubtful--the writing remains tight and spot on. I wish I had more time to devote to it besides the doodling in my neck of the woods.
from daath :
How's tricks, Jack? I'm still turning the usual ones over here.
from fuzzems :
Depression tackles the best of us all, I fear. I got married on the 23rd of September however I cannot seem to bring a true smile to my face. Yes, newlyweds are supposed to be happy but its just that I cannot seem to get certain things out of my head and it really eats away at my soul. If I could sleep all day and not worry about work, I would be there. I have to be here at work, I have to pay bills. In a sense, I am trapped in a social gathering with problems and results against my will. There is no need to apologize to me Jack. I am the one just popping up in your world, against your will. I feel your pain. I too feel as though I am slipping further and further into a deep depression, never being able to breathe without the cloak of despair again. I am sorry for the bothering and the picking. Forgiveness is asked.
from fuzzems :
I miss you. Still do.
from fuzzems :
Hope all is well.
from rejazz :
the password is the same as my old diary. i hope you remember it cause i don't want to leave it on here!
from rejazz :
we don't know where we are going yet. we are just dropping off our stuff in a storage and staying in a motel or a hostel until we find a place but i will write to you and we will have the internet up when we get our apartment so don't worry. either way you will get it but you must be patient. like a bear. don't send anything here cause i am leaving in about a week and i won't ever get it. i'll keep you updated, ok?
from fuzzems :
And I am intrigued...I want to know more about the real you...and I am scarred.
from brightxxeyez :
creatiVe : )
from brightxxeyez :
I see you've been buisy writting , your very creatice and expressive , I just can't believe you haven't published some of your writtings , they are very good . & Thanks for being a friend : ) "A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart."~ Kathleen Grove ~ Olive Oyl
from fuzzems :
And dont be so hard on yourself, you are someone...to atleast one person. and thats what counts
from fuzzems :
Well you are the only other person that I know that likes that movie. And I hadnt heard from him in awhile so...I missed his words. You will always be missed if you disappear...im here
from fuzzems :
I was watching Death to Smoochy yesterday and I realized, I miss you.
from rejazz :
i just got it yesterday and i read it this morning. i'll send the one i wrote awhile ago and a new one soon.
from myself--asis :
You don't know how to explain...and want to know something beautiful? You don't have to. That's what is great about friendship...whether it be friendships we seek out or those that thrust themselves on us **ahem-- raises hand sheepishly**...
from enurta :
i know what you mean...
from fuzzems :
I read a quote on a banner here, pathetic I know, but it read: "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while are here, we might as well dance." Life is dance as so the ryhme goes. And I am getting seriously getting dizzy from all of this dancing. When does the party get better? Oh and...I am starting to write once again...maybe its the best way to let me out.
from myself--asis :
I was thinking almost this same exact thought today driving home from work. It was more centered around "How is it that I can be so in the middle of everything one day and then feel like I don't even know my closest friends the next? Oh yeah...cause I'm crazy" really, I just tend to isolate myself in my funks...and that distances myself from everyone.
from the29th :
this entry... i know what you mean - very much so.
from rejazz :
how are you?
from fuzzems :
Ever since we are able to actually understand and comprehense what is on television, we are shown that the grass is always greener on the other side. While the grass may be greener, it is not necessarily better as that shade of green might be the shade that brings you to a immortal slumber. I have not been feeling well, stress and fatigue is setting in quickly. There is a certain hatred I have for myself right now that is not explainable. And I remember the same feeling of wanting to be on the other side of the fence, feel trapped and hopeless until I could escape.
from fuzzems :
You hit a certain age that you crave for the freedom and independence however when its given to you, you desperately want guidance and everything the way it once was. I have a lot of friends who had Hitler as a father firgure, figuratively speaking. My dad was strict. Strict was good for me. I was the only one of my friends who did not get pregnant at 17. Which is a blessing now that I am getting married because that is one less thing to think about right now. Sometimes I feel though that things are rushing by too quickly and strictness is what I need once again. And I am rambling. You inspire, never forget.
from daath :
Always a pleasure to give praise where due. I hope the muse doesn't dry up any time soon. On another note, if you ever need an ear--well hell you know my spiel.
from daath :
The structure and canter are rather different as well, I'd say, but certainly what you mentioned re: metaphor also applies. I think it's the sign of a good writer that one's voice can vary and yet remain solid.
from fuzzems :
Settled? I have never known Settled. My parents are divorced and I am a military brat. Life is just really hectic right now and I am literally driving myself to exhaustion and sickness. But alas I am still working. I am glad that you feel the same way about being wanted, as sub-consciously everyone wants to be wanted. Ah...I am starting to give into my tired ways...And I cant...Smile...till then
from fuzzems :
Settled? What is settled? You can only be settled right before you have to move again. But I am comfortable in my new house. Its tiny and down home feeling...where you can put your feet on the coffee table and not get into trouble. I am sorry that I didnt remember telling you but alas most of the confusion is well...disappearing. And you have to admit, being wanted isnt such a bad thing. I am glad I made you smile...till then ;)
from brightxxeyez :
I read some of your newest enteries and I hope your feeling better . You may find out that more people then you know have alot in common with you . I think your writtings and your honesty can help open more people up . I learned this with something I went through for a few years , I just havent wrote about it and I probably wont publically because it was so personal and scary . Keep writting and dont loose enterest , you have a gift of expression with writting and writting it self , thats very good . ~ Olive Oyl
from daath :
The more I read about you, the different sections of you, the more I am intrigued. Not in a fascinated freak show sense. It's just peculiar how alike and completely different you and I are in some ways.
from fuzzems :
P.S. Its true, I want you....lmao ; )
from enurta :
yes, tom is the father :)
from fuzzems :
Moving has been so exhausting, learning new routines and dealing with the change. I am surprised you know that I moved as I have not remembered telling you but then again, I have been up all morning since 5:00am and its 2:00pm and my brain is fried. I cannot think straight. Jack when I said I want you, it feels as though its not romantic or anything...just that I wish I could heal you and heal myself at the same time. And it seems as though maybe I made you laugh? Which is always a good thing. Oh Jack I do miss you...
from mylostangel :
i love the way you write, i keep coming back just to see what you have to say
from fuzzems :
fyi...i want you, lmao
from fuzzems :
Jack...waiting? Patiently or impatiently? Where are you?
from fuzzems :
Jack, I didnt mean for my last comment so make you feel bad, believe me, I had no intention. What I was trying to say was if you were going to disappear, keep in touch with me anyway. Jack, this latest one, I feel as though I am in the negative, seriously. There are so many things happening right now in my life, I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep forever...just diappear. I will write you back, only when I get a chance as I am moving into a new house that we got this weekend. You are not the only one that feels as though their batteries are running low or in the negative. I am right next to you and with you...I feel you and your total words...and then it all goes black...
from camera-girl :
Yeah, they're big. Killer-teeth. hehehe
from camera-girl :
yeah, i read that you hadn't renewed your gold memership AFTER i wrote that note. doh. Yay - you got cats too. new catpics posted yesterday, and i'm posting at least a new one today.
from mylostangel :
i know what you mean about it being hard to write here now. lol, fuck...look at my journal. i havent updated in "over 3 months"
from camera-girl :
hi! thx for adding me as one of your your favourits :-) YAY! Oh and btw, the pics on your diary isn't working.
from fuzzems :
i miss your words jack...atleast email me
from enurta :
maybe this is a stupid question...but are you leaving diaryland? i hope you won't because I really like reading what you write, you are my favourite diary here. I can relate to everything you write, and that makes me feel less lonely. maybe it is a selfish reason for wanting you to stay, but at least I am honest. I like you <3 don't leave. please.
from the29th :
I know exactly what you mean and I've been exactly where you are. There was a point where I was checking to see who deleted me and so on and so on. And I was pretty popular at one point. Amazingly popular when you consider that I'm not one of the funny people or a member of the cool-kids club. And I've left and returned, I've tested other names and places... and even though I'm not the most frequent poster by a long shot, I guess this place is home 'cause it seems to be the place I always come back to. And the people on my list now are people I always read when they post and who's lives I follow and care about. And if they don't link to me... oh well. I don't check that anymore and I *can't* care about it. There are too many other things I let drive me crazy to let this - that was only ever really supposed to be about getting me to write more often - be another one. So do what you need to do and come back if you can. I plan to be around and even if I'm not writing, I log in every day and check/read my buddy list.)
from brightxxeyez :
I haven't been here for 3 months until tonight . I checked on your diary , I hope you continue writting here . I also went through some of your other entries and not once was I bored with them . I wouldn't be surprised if you've written books that have been published . If you have I would like to know which ones so I could buy one . Your very good at writting and keeping the reader very enterested . If you haven't written any published books , maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to give it a try .... just a thought .
from rejazz :
oh ok. i was freaking out inside for a little while. as long as you keep writing and don't give up completely or else....... or else something.
from fuzzems :
I also left this at your guestbook, along with my email: This is the one time that I am including my email Jack. I have been told that in recent times, I am writing less and less in this thing called Diaryland. I feel as though that since my relationship has calmed down, since my life has calmed down, since my anxiety had calmed down, I have nothing to say. I have found myself in a dilema, close down something that I hold memories in, or keep it going with fragments of sentences that do not mean a damn thing to anyone. I have yet to buy a Gold Membership. Why? Because I feel as though that when I do, I will become dependent on diaryland and fall right back into the HELL that I was living. Times havebeen rough and so has my heart. Jack, do not do anything untilyou truly find yourself. I have a quote I want to give you, I dont know if you have ever heard this but: To truly find yourself, You must play hide and seek alone. I hope that helps. And please, contact me. Write me. For I have fallen away from you Jack, once someone who had things to say back at my non-sense called writing. Email me...I do miss you.
from wistful-blue :
I'm honored, thank you! :)
from rejazz :
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
from wistful-blue :
Nah, that's okay. I don't want you to go out of your way, besides I'm betting the program's not Mac compatible, but thank you for offering! :-) -cat
from wistful-blue :
Damn that is cool! Hmmm...I *am* on a book-buying-freeze at the moment, which means I'll have a build up of extra cash just lying around...you don't happen to know the name of the program he bought, do you? HEE! :)
from omgthatwhore :
love, guess who! that shouldn't be too hard considering the username. oh, how i've missed thee! it was inevitable that i return to diaryland. =)
from fuzzems :
as always...no one can say anything to get me out of a slump. my bipolar started kicking in...and i didnt like it. its still here...but just seeing two people who care enough to let me know...its brought a small smile to my face. thank you jack...for I, too, feel that the only person that i can truly talk to, is my paper journal..cause only my eyes and soul see that one.
from enurta :
I felt a little bit better after reading the note you left me. I'm sorry that your past was horrible as well, but I must admit that I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone <3
from wistful-blue :
Thank you Jack! I agree, the people who express their creativity in all possible ways are the ones I can't stop looking at. HEE! I kind of have to "reel" myself in with the staring, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or give the impression that they're being stalked.
from myself--asis :
thank you -- that is all
from rejazz :
it is really thin and long. ha! do you realize what you are saying?!
from brightxxeyez :
I'm sorry about that , I'm sure they have a hard time forgetting about you too . You seem like the kind of guy that gives his heart away when it comes to relationships . When your ready to look , let them charm the pants off of you , you deserve it ...... your a sweet heart . Anyways take care
from dream-cafe :
You know, I've *never* been to a Shake 'n' Bake restaurant. I don't even think there's one within 100 mile radius of Transylvania or Sylvania because I haven't seen *one* in my entire life. I'll have to look it up here and see what the locations in CA are.
from brightxxeyez :
I understand how hard it is to get over a person that you've had deep feelings for , so I understnd what you mean . I hope it all works out some how , best wishes .
from wistful-blue :
"I really do like your pictures, the little still life shots of your life." *Happy dance* :-) Thank you Jack. -cat
from brightxxeyez :
That was enteresting , did you write that because you like that person or was that you were basically sweetly saying ....fuck off . Huuuh , I like your style , pretty cool .
from myself--asis :
just a reminder that i love your words and am always glad to see you update.
from wistful-blue :
Thank you for your last note Jack; it means a lot to me! I'm unhappy with blogspot though, so I've decided to move my photo journal to d-land at the earliest opportunity - probably within the next few days. The handle is "dream-cafe". -cat
from the-mistake :
i wonder what you're doing right now. you are probably asleep with your cute and cuddley kittens. just the two of them. the other ones are stupid and should be fixed. are they even fixed? phew. its freezing in my house. i miss you. i should go to sleep too. i'll see you in the morning ok? just walk on in, i'll leave the door unlocked for you. wake me up if i'm not up already but don't scream or anything cause i will get pissed off and the whole day will be ruined. serenade me in my dreams.
from the29th :
dear god... have you seen this: http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/004962.html
from brightxxeyez :
Wow , you writtings are very deep you can really feel what you write . I'm very impressed keep up the great work .
from shart :
LMAO go watch my videos!
from the-mistake :
tell me about it.
from head-unbowed :
jack -first...my offer of that ear ALWAYS stands...Secondly, i just now read your christmas entry. how i missed that one the first time is beyond me...but there times when you break my heart a little. the power of a good writer, i suppose.
from the29th :
actually, i just remembered the user and pw from the last time you locked up. i'll be adding you back on today, hopefully, since my plan is to work on getting all the pages updated and smoothing out all the kinks.
from the29th :
I left you off because you WERE locked. (I see that you aren't now, so I'll add you as soon as I get a chance.) I started to just leave everyone from my buddy list on my list but so many were locked or dead or abandoned I felt it wasn't fair to people who might try the links. But the layout still needs much tweaking. (I only even have up the main page now, not the archive or guestbook templates.)
from the-mistake :
I'M BACK! i have internet access now. did you reply to my tape letter?
from enurta :
The fucking story of my life.
from enurta :
"I have already decided that there is nothing that you can do to me, that I have not already done to myself." The story of my life.
from fuzzems :
Hey. I cant get to your guestbook. I want you to feel important or needed. You are needed. Was that entry about what myself and others have wrote? Jack...email me sometime, velvetorange@hotmail.com We can actually chat about the little wadded up mind that we both have in common. Dont fall away...i like it here. ITs comfy and familiar. Fuzzems out, you know where to reach me.
from kittysays :
hey there, would like the password if possible...kittysays@hotmail.com
from head-unbowed :
Jack, even if this was just to say you have nothing to say...I was glad to see you lit up on my buddy list. And thank you for taking the time to leave me a comment.
from wistful-blue :
Hey Jack. Would you mind e-mailing me your username/password again. I have it on automatic login for Safari, but since I've switched over to Firefox I need to re-enter. Thank you. -cat
from pulse-tone :
piggy gigs. (guinea pigs). They make me smile too.
from the-mistake :
ok phew.
from the-mistake :
i finally sent your letters a couple days ago. i sent it to the address that starts with A.. i couldn't find the most recent letter you sent me so i could figure out which address to send it to. i hope it wasn't the G one. i probably won't be on again for awhile so i'm just gonna have to pray i sent it to the right one and your roomate didn't get a hold of it. its some pretty intense stuff. actually, its not. its boring as fuck. sorry for the scare. i'm still here, kind of.
from enurta :
where are you?
from the29th :
well i'm glad to know you are still around. i hate the way people keep drifting away. be well, sir.
from the29th :
thanks, it's a slow process and i've only managed to change over the main page. how are you doing? i miss seeing your name in red but i'm glad to know you are still out there.
from asphixian :
hey, been meaning to ask for a password, finally getting around to it lol. Thanks
from the-mistake :
that sucks major homo penne. i'm sorry but at least you are done for the rest of the year after this week, right? i have to start working more hours soon too cause i have bills coming up and i am broke as shit. speaking of shit, i will continue this comment later.
from the-mistake :
i came on at midnight. three your time. you weren't on though sappy pants. i'm sorry. i'm going to bucca de beppo tonight. i'll take pictures!
from the-mistake :
now i ain't saying she a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke nigga.
from the-mistake :
ooooh baby baby its a wild world. dun nu nu nu nu nu nu nu. and i'll always remember you like a child, girl.
from kay22802 :
no its not!!!!!
from kay22802 :
yea but i couldn`t find out what it was
from the-mistake :
yo swiff, where da weed at? gimme some mo'. seriously brother, where art thou? if i don't talk to you within the next two days i will leave you 2,000 notes and ALL of them will be rap lyrics. do you understand me?! i love you fool. get on.
from the-mistake :
yeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhh.... one year later.
from jackthripper :
I wish I could join you, for I know exactly what you mean. One can go away, but to where, when, and for how long? Once escaped, what happens then?
from fuzzems :
thanks for your concern. my hell week is over as well. i am glad that your mood is getting better, as well as mine. no one should work over 40 hours a week...and i am only a lonely beauty advisor at the local walgreens...no where near management and yes its eroding at my brain and soul. but one day, it'll be worth it. hopefully. thanks jack.
from kay22802 :
where u at??!!!!
from emperorincxt :
without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside
from fuzzems :
the good word is nothing but what you deserve. i hear you about the hectic no writing policy. i am in the midst of a huge work week cause inventory and its like 60 hours. thats a ton for a almost 19 yr old. hang in there jack. things will get better...and so will your words...not saying that they arent already great...cause they are...but maybe the mood will get better.
from kay22802 :
hey u its cuttie44123@aol.com
from pulse-tone :
your writing is really beautiful. I don't think I've ever taken the time to let you know, but everything that I've read from you so far evokes many feelings.
from the-mistake :
i wrote you another (more recent) letter a couple nights ago. i still am in search of a couple more songs to add to the tape and then i promise it is off. i am going to try and finish it today if i don't fall asleep while i'm on the toilet. i got 3 hours of sleep but i must stay up to get my sleeping schedule back on track. a normal one. fucking school is back in session on monday and i am going on wednesdays. and i think i just sharted myself.
from the-mistake :
i am gonna miss you again. shit has been crazy crazy insane. i feel like dog shit.
from kay22802 :
hey now that we are friendscan i have ure password
from fuzzems :
hey hun i got it
from kay22802 :
hey i want to tell u something its not mean at all but i want to apolligies to u and sorry i was man and i was rude well i am mean to every one and they are mean back and sorry what said to molly and i was wrong so will u forgive me???? well i would like to knwo if we can get to know each other and well talk thats isf u forgive me??!!
from jessemlover :
lol...ur not that bad...ur not mean!!
from jessemlover :
o ok. well i understand that. then i will talk to you regardless of what she says
from jessemlover :
yea like i meant the prediter type...my friend says not to talk to you because you are mean. do i listen to her or what???
from jessemlover :
WHAT THE FUCK? you are only 27? gez...she made it sound like you were old! lol..are you horny? i like sarcasm thats ok
from jessemlover :
hey....asl?
from kay22802 :
learn to go to hell and leave people alone
from the-mistake :
when does your overtime end?
from fuzzems :
hey, i never got your password....email it to my hotmail if u could hun. thanks
from jessemlover :
hey jack! im molly...leave me a note please!
from kay22802 :
well u know what i don`t have listen to u rite so plz leave me alone if that is possible okay buh bye
from kay22802 :
well u know what i don`t have listen to u rite so plz leave me alone if that is possible okay buh bye
from kay22802 :
hey i`m not telling u that b\c that is my buisness sorry to be rude but it is true okay well talk lata sorry hopre u forgive me a lot
from the-mistake :
i have been getting on in the day time mostly. i've been working nights so i just pass out when i get home or i stay out till odd hours of the night/morning. i still have a couple more songs to add to your mixtape and its hard because i lost the pages of songs i put on the others and i am trying my hardest not to put a lot of songs on there that you already have heard. soon, my dear, soon. happy unbirthday. i missed it. i know you don't want to hear it. i love you again. stop worrying so much you are going to make yourself sick.
from kay22802 :
hey can i have ure password
from fuzzems :
hey jack, its been forever i know, but i would love a password...i jsut got reconnected to the interent so please...begging...let me have the password...thanks love.
from the-mistake :
sorry. my internet connection was down for about two days. its fixed though. OBVIOUSLY! lol. i did get your letter. you are indeed a dork. ;/\}-
from long-ignored :
Hey there doll, yes I do still have your email and will be sending one to you as soon as I am up and 'running' where ever it is I land. Your words made me smile. You flatter me greatly. Thank you, sir. I also want to chat again soon...but I am using someone else's computer who is so anti aol I couldn't load messenger on there and keep my life. HA. I'm not sure when I'll get my computer back...but, I'll look forward to it.
from fellbehind :
Yes, sir, got the password, thankyouverymuch.
from gyka :
hey.... i use to read your entries but haven't since you locked it!! i never got around to asking you, but perhaps when you have a chance if you could give it to me, i would love to keep reading!! take care
from deadpassive :
oops, haha lol. sorry, i just realized you meant my password. um, i haven't changed anything. diaryland is kind of weird sometimes, try again, if it's still not working I'll e-mail the username/password to you again.
from deadpassive :
I just tried the password you sent me two months ago and it's still working.
from the-mistake :
i have your's all ready to go and i just saw you on you little butthole now your not! this probably isn't safe anyway its raining like bears and sheep outside.
from the-mistake :
gimme gimme gimme dat ding
from the-mistake :
no. nope. na, na- nigga? never. <2
from shart :
sheer shart attack
from ripetomato :
Yes, well you locked your diary.
from the-mistake :
sorry boo
from the-mistake :
AKJFHAKJhdksdhkjn! it wont let me sign back on! it says it is temporarily unavailable! fuCKER
from the-mistake :
http://www.geocities.com/exactlywhoiam/fight/fightclub.html - - - i found it! the diary name soap thing is kind of deformed looking.
from the-mistake :
it all depends. it is different everyday. i'm on right now.. your not. i don't have work so i might be on for awhile today.
from chuffnutt :
Thanks. It works.
from the-mistake :
i love how you always bitch about me never being on and not talking to you as much anymore when you do the same exact thing!! WHY! i'm going to beat you
from chuffnutt :
Try the email again. I realize what I did wrong and I've fixed it a moment ago.
from emperorincxt :
hehehe, silly.
from emperorincxt :
did not receive pw on my end stop sad face stop please resend stop pretty please stop
from emperorincxt :
password por favor? emperorincxtathotmaildotcom.
from long-ignored :
no, I am not going anywhere. Well, I took a break. The "done" is more of an emotional statement than an actual. The lack of entries have been because of a mental vacation I was on. Thank you for the note...and reminding me that I AM read. lol PW please?
from the29th :
pw, please.
from soulstyce :
The password if I could? Soulstycestrfyre@aol.com
from the-mistake :
got it.
from alwaysinhim :
greenstone27@(pleaseremove)yahoo.com
from alwaysinhim :
I would like to still read it, if I may.
from the-mistake :
why didn't you get on and talk to me nutkin
from the-mistake :
i went to go read your entry and saw the password pop up and typed in my own. then i realized your's isn't locked! WHAT! you better give me the password. lol
from pulse-tone :
so, i'm asking then. user/pass. please? to: lbd@wearerecords.com
from deadpassive :
Thanks for the tip :)
from deadpassive :
I think they're called roundworms or hookworms, I'm not sure what they're called in English. They look like noodles. I've talked to several vets but they all say the same thing to me, that there's nothing they can do. XXX
from deadpassive :
Aahhh!! I was so upset that I didn't even spell my note right. Sorry ;P 'THE time OF day' XXX
from deadpassive :
Are you serious? I've been busting my ass off over here trying to get some vet to help me but nobody wants to give us a time a day. They're kind of lazy over here, I have no idea why but they just refuse to make an effort. Whenever there's a somewhat complicated problem they put the animal to sleep, especially when it's a cat. I get that damn medicine thrown in my face & their so called words of wisdom; 'if he doesn't get better, too bad!'
from the-mistake :
oh no.. i'm sorry. i hope you get on soon so you can tell me what happened.
from the-mistake :
i'm glad to hear that.
from the-mistake :
try being a little girl on a plane alone for NINE hours! like i said, you'll be fine. you do need this.
from deadpassive :
e-mail me at deadpassive@hotmail.com and I'll send it to you.
from the-mistake :
p.s. HAPPY STRINGO DE TAMPO!
from the-mistake :
AHA! i got your letter and your email and your notes and everything else even though there wasn't anything else. i enjoyed burt reynolds. GOD! thats one hot peice of man right there! lol! fight club got in a fight. it didn't process in my brain until my way home (how funny it is) and i just started laughing my ass off. he has to wear gloves cause he has bad cuts and wounds on his arm. LOL! ironic! lksjdg ER! my feet hurt. i'm all better now. just a little congested. alright, i'm going to wrap this up, B.
from the-mistake :
happy mother's day, mummy! i love you! i'll give you a foot massage and take care of the siblings while you watch oprah!
from the-mistake :
sign on and talk to me!
from the-mistake :
i was thinking about death before i went to sleep last night. every time i think about it my chest feels like its being squeezed dry like a sponge.
from the-mistake :
sick! chicken. ew.. no. i am cletus' throbbing intestine.
from the-mistake :
shut up and get online!!!
from the-mistake :
what the fuck? i just came here to leave you a note and that russian butthole left you one. i'm sorry for the inconvenience. i love you asswhipe! hope your having fun watching seinfeld with your tootlord.
from i-am-tom :
Dude... you are so Jack and I am so Tom! Like, really dude! Totaly! GOSH, YOU IDIOT! Poop is good. Read my diary so I can get more hits and brag to my friends! And jeez Rae, have to much time on your hands!!!
from the-mistake :
702
from lifeasadream :
Of course, dear. Name: bang Password: bang. No, I don't have a gun obsession or anything.
from the-mistake :
slut cake.
from the-mistake :
get on now if you want to live!
from the-mistake :
haha no i am not mad at you dooker.
from the-mistake :
cause it sure as hell cured mine.
from the-mistake :
i hope this cured your boredom.
from the-mistake :
i'm going to have to do that again sometime.
from the-mistake :
that was a blast.
from the-mistake :
.. and a good night.
from the-mistake :
... a pleasant tomorrow.
from the-mistake :
have a great day.
from the-mistake :
you know what i mean.
from the-mistake :
telepathically.
from the-mistake :
i'll talk to you some other time.
from the-mistake :
i'm going to wrap it up now.
from the-mistake :
i think i'm done.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the period that finishes your sentences.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your food stamps when your money runs out.
from the-mistake :
which i think i already accomplished that years ago.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the weirdo when people come to sign your notes.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the water in your toilet.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the toothpaste that whitens your beautiful smile.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the juice in your oranges.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the wax in your ears.
from the-mistake :
i'll be signing your notes for awhile.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your helium in your black birthday balloon.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your mary-kate if your my ashley.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the words on your billboard.
from the-mistake :
i'll be gasoline of your pump.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the crispy part on your marshmellow.
from the-mistake :
ooh wee ooh i look just like buddy holly.
from the-mistake :
LOOK! I CAPITALIZED MY SENTENCES! lol
from the-mistake :
Um. Where the hell have you been?
from loner-blues :
Now I'm curious...is the diary that won't unlock a Gold Membership by chance? Because I locked my diary to make layout changes last night and now it won't unlock. ARGH! Anyway, until Andrew decides to get off his ass and fix the problem -- USERNAME: fucked, PASSWORD: over. -cat
from the-mistake :
do you still make banners? i keep clicking ones that sound like something you'd say but it never is.
from the-mistake :
fuck easter.
from loner-blues :
You know, you might be right about the apostrophe problems. I'm having the same issues with my new profile image as well. If it doesn't seem to clear up though (the apostrophes) by the time everything else here is back to normal, I may have to look for a different template. :-( I hope not, because I really like this one. -cat
from the-mistake :
GET ON RIGHT NOW
from ceciliaruns :
i've been there jack. don't worry it won't last forever. you ought to email me - ceciliaruns@yahoo.com.
from ceciliaruns :
hello jack. i'm back now. where have YOU been?
from the-mistake :
;/\('
from the-mistake :
i'm so sorry
from the-mistake :
yeah you need to write. its really pissing me off. i am furious. beyond furious. i am wrathful. (i just looked that up in my $1 dictionary) shit.
from the-mistake :
you should really consider updating.
from emperorincxt :
only 19 days until (official) spring..
from the-mistake :
i just read ALL of my notes i have ever left you. even the ones from my old diaries. i am fucking annoying man. how do you put up with it?
from the-mistake :
frou frou
from dope-slave :
i got to sit it on one of chuck's book tours. THAT MEANS I'M KEWLER THAN YOU. unless you went to one too, and then uh, mine was better.
from loner-blues :
LMAO Now how could I possibly top a banner that announces there's a naked woman on my site? :-D -cat
from dope-slave :
i think i just threw up in my mouth
from loner-blues :
Hehehehe...shameless promotion, I know. That banner got 5% click through while it ran. :-D I'm going to run 500 of those every month until my banner ads run out...hopefully though, the next time they run, the entry I've posted will be of a bit higher quality and a few people will decide to stick around. -cat
from loner-blues :
Dang! I'm that predictable, eh? LOL
from klcroft :
I miss you so very much!
from the-mistake :
sdkjfgjskdkjfdk8ghwfk
from the-mistake :
ARE YOU ON RIGHT NOW?!
from euphoria21 :
Wow, I defenitely feel you. I hate it when that happens. She's been busy with the kids and all the house hunting stuff, but she'll be around soon, I'm good at nagging!
from euphoria21 :
Yeah, ufortunately she's been busy trying to buy a house and her and her husband have been busy busy busy. I just talked to her now and she's all like "Aw, he asked about me, he's so sweet!" So yeah, good times. She says "Hi" and sorry. She didn't realize her profile was gone, me either. I just left it on there because she's my big sis, but I'm gonna go take it off. Take care, hun...
from euphoria21 :
You have my sister on your list (Blu-tatu), haven't read up on you in a while. Good to see you around again.
from cats-corner :
In case you're interested, I'll be starting a new diary when I get back next Monday: "loner-blues." -cat
from strayrecluse :
i wonder if there is a support group for palahniuk addicts, too. the irony would be too much to bear. either way, i'm going.
from the-mistake :
HAHAHHA! that so gay! :/\)
from the-mistake :
(i've never been good at history and i don't give a crap about robert e. lee)
from the-mistake :
you bastard! your on internet explorer mode! I KNOW YOUR ON!
from chuffnutt :
Thank you, and you're welcome. I'm sipping some coffee right now.
from morceaux :
you know, sometimes, no matter how awkward it is upon your return, you come back to a place you once knew so well and you can feel it; you know this is it, this is right. this is home. thank you, love.
from the-mistake :
sketchers?
from jackthripper :
*grins* That's what it's there for...
from myexodus :
haha....you obviously didn't read my diary....just a big friggin waaa waa! I read some of your diary....mostly your notes in Danny's note section, I was then able to see that you had a tad bit of humor with your rant =]
from the-mistake :
i was infected with fight club disease the year of prince's single, "party like its 1999".
from candoor :
the funda sent me to wish you a happy new year :)
from jackthripper :
I understand your frustration...I'm feeling it right now.
from lifeasadream :
Hm. Well, I kind of ended my diary so nothing new will be in there. But if you still wanted to look at anything, the username thing is "you" and the password is "jester" I have reasons for making it locked; don't worry, you aren't one of them. Therefore - have fun reading. I doubt it'll ever be updated again.
from the-mistake :
GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON NOW GET ON NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW GET ON GET ON GET ON NOW GET ON
from cats-corner :
I hope everything went all right tonight. Merry Christmas Jack. -cat
from the-mistake :
you've never eaten real italian food before?! what the hell is wrong with you? lol! nothing here in america is real italian food.. but there are places that come close to it but not olive garden. okay i am going to read the other 10 entries you made today. WHERE ART THOU?
from omnipre5ence :
I'm not Jack, unfortunately. But I'd like to be.
from the-mistake :
i'm not leaving it blonde. i was bleaching it first so the red would show up this time but i thought i would leave it blonde for awhile just have a little change. i can't even recogonize myself in the mirror! i got a hair cut and i dyed my hair.. its just too much for me to handle but i love it.
from the-mistake :
WHY DID YOU DRINK COFFEE! that is SO bad! lol.. my head itches so bad right now i am dying.. i dont know how much longer i can take this bleach!
from jackthripper :
I cannot imagine how the mundane details of my life have intrigued you but I am flattered by such compliments. I have to confess there was even a slight flush in my cheeks when I read this. I had no idea what affect I was having on others. You came as a rather grand surprise to me. To hear such thing from you, heightens the respect that was before. The intrigue is mutual, my friend.
from i--feel :
I'm adding you as I type this. Noni awesome is a very good friend of mine named Mark. I told him to check out yours because he shares our love of Fight Club. He never had a Diaryland account, but I told him to chack out your live journal anyway.
from i--feel :
My LJ's title is "the_glass_jc". Hope to hear from you on there.
from i--feel :
I disappeared from diaryland and got a livejournal. The LJ is more of a "my day was like this" for some of my closer friends I don't get to talk to very much. I may or may not make my trips to diaryland more frequent, and also do some old school updating from time to time. Its good to know you haven't moved off into the wild frozen tundra of Canada or anything.
from i--feel :
Hey man, what's going on? Its been a while.
from the-mistake :
is that suppose to be from a song?
from the-mistake :
i was reading my old notes and your's either start or end with "LOL". haaa classic.
from the-mistake :
perhaps. perhaps. perrrrrrhaps.
from jackthripper :
Email me if you want the password to my diary JckthRppr669@yahoo.com
from emperorincxt :
as long as it is all ok in the end, my dear. that is all that matters. that and getting to the end, of course. :)
from jackthripper :
You are correct, sir. A name is only a label. But we create the identities beneath the labels, make them something more than just a "cliche". But then, I don't need to tell you that. Perhaps I just wanted you to know that I understood.
from jackthripper :
Simply put, we have something in common. Think deeper than the obvious. No, there is something there, beyond the bullshit. Beyond the cliche. Think now.
from ceciliaruns :
i think we were all sitting in the same room in the same light with the same tv watching but not watching. and the others were eating popcorn. and i knew all along this was how it would be because i had the same lucid dream.
from exhaust :
Yes. That's exactly it.
from the-mistake :
she wanted revenge.
from the-mistake :
HAAAAAAAAAA! thank you. happy whatever to you too. go out with your roomie to the gothic club!
from lostoblivion :
I wanted the story to continue and I suppose that now, through you, it does. Your work is amazing. Self-deniability, a simplistic voucher for the resistance of impending truth. Lucky you for almost having none at all, maybe you can teach me. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them. My favorite quote of the movie *Shrug* Not really sure why Thank you for reminding me.
from ceciliaruns :
there you are...beautiful entries.
from alwaysinhim :
It made you smile, you say? Then I have succeed at my life's goal. And hopefully you will come upon more as time goes on. I haven't finished reading your whole diary yet although I have covered quite a bit of it. I find the style inspiring (even of your most supposed 'boring' entries) and your relation of life events to be better than a lot of fiction. Perhaps I will still find some more well said words of yours to add to my collection. (and while my favorites look to have long windy comments.. they are not but the words of the authors.. none of mine would be able to do them the least bit of justice, so I let the authors speak for themselves).
from long-ignored :
thank you so much for the add!!!
from girlinshadow :
Thank you for adding me Jack...I *was* kind of worried people might see the two buddies lists and figure out who I am, but now I figure: "Screw it. If they figure out who I am then that's what happens." Still, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it easy for anyone. :-D -Shadow
from keilakeren :
Hey Jack, I signed your guestbook with the information I know. Thanks!
from ceciliaruns :
first rule of fight club. never ever censor your subconscious. not for anyone. that's when he goes away. and the magic stops.
from ceciliaruns :
i don't know if you were looking for advice or just talking. i've experienced dry spells and a lot of empty months because i'm so uninspired and so afraid to put out shit. don't be so afraid to sift through some shit, it's always there it's just deeper inside sometimes. no one says you have to publish every day. just don't stop.
from booth-bitch :
Muah is my word! But, you're welcome to use it. :-)
from ceciliaruns :
i think that way. about my painting mostly. i spill my guts and spill them again until they start to seep out of their own volition and i can't stop them gushing. but i tried being quiet once before. trust me, it's better to spill.
from the-mistake :
no! you wrote, "I want to thank everyone who has had the patience to stick with me, despite the pathetic lack of updating." so i am saying that you are welcome. stop thinking i am mad at you all the time! i never am.
from booth-bitch :
I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to share with you...But, I don't. So, all I have to say is...*Muah*. And, I'm here, as always, if you need to talk...
from the-mistake :
your welcome.
from the29th :
i wish i had some powerful single word that i could put here that could sum up several facts into the condensed might of a few letters. a single word that said i am reading and will always read as long as i'm around and you're around. a word that said i understand oh so very exactly. a word that offered support and understanding and caring and thoughtfulness. a word that agrees, inspires, strengthens, and sustains. but if there is such a word i'm not graced with it. be well, dear sir.
from morceaux :
i'm glad someone can relate to me and how i feel. it brings comfort to know i'm not always as alone as i feel. i don't plan on moving anywhere anytime soon. you know i'm here and at suicidalbambi (LJ), and i don't have any homes other than that. i wish my writing spirit would come back to me - until it does, i don't feel as though i'll be existing much anywhere [insert long, sad sigh]. i hope you come back soon. i'd like to keep up with your writing as well, so you know where to find me if you ever decide to share your other abode. i'll miss you and your emotion, dear.
from blu-ta2 :
Hmm! Can that be taught? It'd be a real nice super power of some kind, if it could be put to use in ever day life. For example: "Stupid Family Reunions" (with family memebers, you never knew you had, only to find out you don't like either)....interesting!
from klcroft :
you are never on anymore and when I sign on, you sign off. i haven't talked to you in forever.
from blu-ta2 :
Hello Lovey, It's nice to read some of your stuff again. "Your sooo twiiisteeed" Got to luv ya! Remember it's o.k to hit the snooze botton and dream from time to time....coffee anyone!
from lifeasadream :
Thanks for adding me to your list thing. I love your obsession with Fight Club. It's seriously the best thing ever. You write very beautifully as well.
from the-mistake :
they will never fall apart. i've had them since god knows when.
from klcroft :
I miss you a lot.
from the-mistake :
i brought a collage i made, my pink pants and a vogue magazine. i didn't even go to school today so now i have to go in front of the class tomorrow. god damn the luck. today sucked. sheeeet.
from the-mistake :
SEAL!! LMAO! i used to love seal and that god forsaken song. i haven't gotten your letter yet... poo. i'm scared dickard found it and threw it out or something but he would have said something to me. hes been a real dick lately.
from the-mistake :
i hope i get the letter today so i won't be in that bad of a mood tomorrow. I HAVE TO GO FUCKING SCHOOL! it came so fast but i'm glad it did just so i can get it over with. i puked the other night cause i was so stressed and kept thinking about it. EW W ww just thinking about it gives me a panic attack! lol.. i need to suck it up though cause i have no choice but to go.
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know the reason I took you off my favorites list is because I'm leaving d-land and dismantled my profile. I'd rather have as few traces of my existance here as possible. I greatly enjoyed reading your diary and I do wish you the best in life. Thank you for reading. -cat
from blu-ta2 :
Hello Jacks! Man you've been busy. I've been a way on a journey so to speak...but I pop in and out, at times, to visit my fav's.
from the-mistake :
aha! everyone found out your birthday cause of my note. birthday bizoy. well, not anymore. theres so much august birthdays, its insane! anyway, give me a ringaling when you actually do send the letter so i can get the mail key from the man who smells like metal and keep a look out for it.
from booth-bitch :
Aww. You know what? One day, for your birthday, I'm goign to come surprise you...and we're going to have the *perfect* day...mmk?
from booth-bitch :
Merci beaucoup for the note and email. You. Are. So. Amazing. And, whats this about your birthday? When is/was it? *Muah* :-)
from the-mistake :
i actually wrote a decent entry from the bottom of my feet. i figured a way to get on without pops knowing but YOU AREN'T ON! damn. maybe tomorrow.
from klcroft :
your birthday? i missed your birthday?
from klcroft :
i miss you
from ripetomato :
What's your email address? I can't find it on your diary.
from booth-bitch :
::rolls eyes:: I hate to be a bother. But, if its not too much trouble, could you please email your last entry to PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com, because I am not blocked from your diary due to parental controls... Merci beaucoup.
from the-mistake :
i knew you would say that. i have started adding the itis to everyones name. sorry if i offended you.
from the-mistake :
give me a ring-a-ling if you want some ding-a-ling. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKITIS!
from the-mistake :
i just wrote you an email and i capitalized the first letter of each sentence.
from fellbehind :
It's very strange to see you use contractions. Very strange indeed. But yeah, back, I guess, if you count adding two months worth of lame-ass entries in two days and dating them like nothing happened being back. Back from where you say? Sobriety.
from booth-bitch :
Yes, I loved loved loved it! Wow. All I can say is, "wow". Its definitely my favorite movie now. I have to go buy it...soon. And, yes, I definitely see your diary differently now. It makes much more sense now. Sorry about locking my diary. You actually read it? Wow, I feel so special. ::giggles:: Well, the username and password are both "jumper". *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
i'm going to be writing more because my dad is an asshole. he thinks that AIM will cause a virus and fuck up his computer and he bitched at me for downloading it. he has so much shit on his computer and he wonders why it doesn't work. AIM doesn't do shit. him and my sister are so lovey dovey now it makes me sick.
from the-mistake :
sorry i have been running around like a maniac since i got here. i think i spent one night at home this past week. its crazy. i'm glad you enjoyed my gifts. that picture was of me. you can be so rude. haaaaaaaaaaaaa.. AND michael jackson is the best to listen to when your drunk. THE BEST!
from the-mistake :
i'm officially in vegas now.
from booth-bitch :
I'm watching Fight Club for the very first time. Proud of me?
from booth-bitch :
I know this is probably the last thing you want to her, but not ME. I promise. So, if you *ever* want to talk about *anything*, I"m here. I really am. I can't promise to necessarily help, mainly because I'm jsut as lost as you. But, I'll definitely listen. Again, my email address is PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com. *Muah* :)
from booth-bitch :
Wow, I'm the same way. It takes me years to trust someone, then once I finally trust them, I leech on to him/her, and he/she becmoes my life, pretty much. I can't live without him/her. Then, they end up screwing me over, and I'm back to square one. ::sigh::
from booth-bitch :
I've lost touch with myself, also. ::pathetic sigh:: I'm very sorry things aren't going to well for you at the moment, mon ami. It truly makes me :( to read how much you're hurting. If there's anything I can do, *please* email (PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com) me, IM (PunkRawkCowgrl07) me, note me, anything. Just let me know how I can do. I'll do *whatever* it takes. I really will. You have no idea how much it kills me to see someone else in as much pain as I'm in. Since I can't make mine go away, the least I can do is get rid of someone else's. ::another pathetic sigh:: *Muah*
from morceaux :
that's the best entry i've ever seen of yours, dear. maybe it's because it was so short, but [poetically] to the point, or perhaps it's because i can relate to it so well right now. nonetheless, it's a new memory...as soon as i figure out how to make the silly things ♥
from the29th :
i know what you mean. i'm still around in that i still log on and read my buddy list but somehow the connections feel like they are gone. i don't know that anyone believes me when i say i really do still read. i almost never comment though because it feels a bit like i don't have the right to do so anymore. like my silence should somehow be more complete. i don't know how to explain it. anyway... thank you for your note. be well.
from klcroft :
I wasn't ignoring you, I just wasn't home. I signed on and then left.
from booth-bitch :
I quoted you in my last entry. Hope you don't mind. *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
come on..........,d,d.
from fuzzems :
hey this is the user formally known as velvetorange. i was just letting you know that my new url is fuzzems.diaryland.com okay later guy
from the-book-bag :
Thank you for the note you left Jack. It's flattering to know I would be missed. I'm still working on the "expressing myself even when I'm in pain bit." That's something that's never been easy for me and I tend to hold on to my bad habits like a tenacious little bull dog with a fresh bone. :-) -cat
from the-mistake :
that makes me very sad. i'm sorry you are so down. poor bubby. i'm going back next week. they were going to leave me behind but i don't think i can handle being here with my grandma and school and yadda yadda. but were going back to live with the dicks for awhile.. which will be HELL and has been UTTER HELL!
from the-mistake :
hey keoki where are you?
from the-mistake :
yeah i got your letter. i started to write you back but that didn't work out so well. i don't know what to say.
from klcroft :
I don't want to lose you.
from thefictions :
yeah. i don't have much left to say anymore. and what i do have left to say... just goes unsaid. i don't know how to say things anymore and i don't know who i would want to make hear them.
from the29th :
I'm sorry. I left them up for a while specifically because I always hated it when I had favorites listed that pointed to no longer existant entries, too. But I didn't delete them because of friends. I deleted them because of non-friends. Having 300+ bits of myself sitting out for anyone to access at any time started feeling like an open wound and it was just too easy for people to pour salt in. I guess I've hit a point where everything seems like a really good tool for others {and myself} to use against me. I did save a backup of the 29th back when I decided to leave but I forgot to save my entries at the fictions before I deleted them. And while there were one or two things there I liked... losing them doesn't feel like much of anything. I'm really sorry to have let you down. I wouldn't have made you angry or upset for anything - you're one of the few good ones I've found around here. All I can really say was that it was something I felt like I had to do.
from klcroft :
and i am not talking over dland notes about this
from klcroft :
Things are just starting to seem more and more like personal attacks, whether you mean for it or not. You actually personally attack ME and make me feel like crap. All I have ever done is try to make you see the better side of things...that everything isn't shit...that every fucking day of your life doesn't have to be the miserable hell that YOU make it. I want to be your friend. I really do,but you ahve to understand the way you talk to me hurts and it isn't right.
from klcroft :
Friends support each other and stand behind them even when they don't agree with everything the other thinks or does.
from the-mistake :
pal.
from blu-ta2 :
Hello again! I know, I've been lost for a while.sigh truth is, I don't know that any body wants to here about stupid shitt in my life right now! I read your last entry..."Packing is so easy, so why is it that unpacking is such a bitch? Usually my crap will sit in the same place for days, as if it was going to miraculously get fed up with me and put itself away. It gets kicked around, and hidden under clothes, till finally, I becomes suffocating, and I have to put it away. You know, I have a ritual thing I do right before I read your entries, I make myself a hot cup of coffee ( I love coffee at any time, but specially at night it makes me feel warm and fuzzy)and put on my favorite P.J's (baby blue cotton sweats and matching long sleeve shirt), get comffy in my seat, and read away, while sipping my coffee slowly and letting your words make mini movies in my head. Do you see now why I never get around to writing.Hee Hee! Good night my packrat friend!
from the-mistake :
oh piddle. i didn't see that you left me a note until after i signed your's. i thought you were mad at me. and YOUR never on, ITS NOT ME! i always come on to see if you are on, but you never are. i can stay up late and talk to you now, i just got done with all my finals so i will be on more. hopefully, i talk to you tonight. don't be on explorer hide out!
from the-mistake :
i went through the exact thing when i first came here. my things sat in boxes for weeks. partly because i'm lazy and partly because i didn't want anything from vegas to invade my "new life" here. i feel for you. i'm sending you something very soon. BE READY!
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. Guess who's back? You can stalk me here: http://booth-bitch.diaryland.com. Be sure to leave your mark in the Bitch Box. Merci beaucoup. *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
I MISS YOU AGAIN!
from the-mistake :
thats just the thing, i didn't have fun and i do regret it. i don't want to be good for someone else. i've been a "bad girl" and that obviously didn't work out for me. i want to change for myself, maybe i'll like me for once.
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, First of all, thank you so much for adding me to your buddies list. I'm flattered you like my diary enough to put me down as a favorite. Part of me is sad that here is the only place where you feel like you can express yourself...of course, another part is glad that you have this outlet. And you never have to worry about throwing out random excuses with me; I swear I weill never tell you all you need to do is cheer up. (Good Gawd! I can't stand it when I hear people say that to people with depression. I usually light into them for passing judgement on a situation which they know nothing about -- good thing I'm medicated, eh? :-D) I agree with you completely...I think we see maybe, 25% of what's happening in the world. The rest is beyond most people's conception and perceptions. You know what I always thought would be cool? If there were other dimensions hidden benath or outside of this one...I even believe it's possible. (Okay, starting to sound like one of the scary New-Age folks. I'll stop now). I just want you to know, there's a random nerd-girl in the world who is asking the Universe to send good vibes your way. Sweet dreams. -cat
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. This is just a note to everyone on my buddy list to let you know that my diary is now unlocked. Enjoy the archives. I hope all is well. If you need me, you know how to reach me. (PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com) *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
sorry i signed off last night without saying goodbye. my friend called me back and said they were coming right now so i had to hurry and get ready. i hope your not mad at me?
from the-book-bag :
No, no! Please don't feel like you put me on the spot. I completely understand about monitering your fan list. I do the same thing. Every time I sign on for the first time, I go to my own list thinking: "I hope no one took me off." (It's compulsive and just a bit scary how much I care). I understand completely. I'm so sorry you're going through a depression...that's always a club I'm sorry to know someone else is in. I won't say the clichd things like: "I hope you feel better soon," or "Chin up," because I know it's not that easy and I know how hard it is to deal with people saying that. Most of the time it just makes someone feel worse. So I just hope you know, I'm sending hopeful thoughts your way. *HUGS* -cat
from the-book-bag :
Jack's back. :-)
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, the reason I took you off my buddies list is NOT because you're boring. Quite the contrary. I'm having a real problem with my depression right now...hanging on by threads...and your entries are intense and evocative (to say the least) and frankly, didn't think I could handle reading you at the moment. I also didn't realize you'd notice that I'd removed you. You'll be back on in less than a minute because I think you're a talented writer. -cat
from sk8er-cowgrl :
"I just tend to be slightly overbearing, when I try to write happy endings for everyone I know, except myself. I become some sort of Cupid, armed with a pen and an idealistic imagination." Wow, could not have said it better myself. ::sigh::
from morceaux :
dear, i wish you wouldn't say you could relate. though i'm happy someone can, that makes me sad as hell. hopefully, this won't make me a loser, but...::hug::
from the-mistake :
wait, i have aim now! but your not on... douche.
from the-mistake :
I'M SORRY! i knew that would happen! my computer fucked up (and of course your's got hooked up when this happened) and now the color is ugly and hazey. it won't let me download AIM, everything got deleted off and some things were put back on but the whore didn't put aim.. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. i'll call her tomorrow to see if i can ever get it back.. i probably can i just don't know how. lol.. my mom is coming today at 5pm.. (two hours)! FUCKCKCKCK i love you again. don't think i was ignoring you or anything.. cause i tried to get on at school even, but it kept saying an error has occurred. i was pissed cause it worked last time. you haven't sent me your letter young man. its your turn! KLASJFkdjfdkfj
from blu-ta2 :
Hi there stranger! I know what you mean by:"I want to become self absorbed". Sometime I wonder who I do it all for? Do I simply do what I think is expected of me? Usually this is where I say "leave me be" your right! being amusing....is tiring. It's so much easier to just....NOT! ce la vie, mon' ami.... bon nuit, blu-ta2
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy Jack. How are ya? Thanks for my note. Wow, its only been a few days, and I'm already going through diaryland withdrawls. ::sigh:: My life has changed alot in the past week. I came out to my mum as being bi, and she's trying to come to terms with that. Although she loves me very much, she doesn't condone that lifestyle. Therefore, she doesn't want me broadcasting it to any and everyone online. She's also worried that some of my "friends" that read my diary may use it against me. Mainly, she doesn't want to see me hurt. And, she feels that me posting my innermost thoughts online can only hurt me in the long run. Even though, I don't agree with her, I've decided to respect her wishes and discontinue my diary. ::sigh:: But, don't hold your breath. I have a very strong feeling I may return sooner than expected. In the meantime, you can enjoy my archives. After I make my diary "reader friendly", I'll unlock it. I'm not too sure when that'll be, though. Maybe later today. Who knows? If you'd like to read it before then, the username and password are both "ana". Happy Reading. *Muah* :)
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy Jack. How are ya? Thanks for my note. Wow, its only been a few days, and I'm already going through diaryland withdrawls. ::sigh:: My life has changed alot in the past week. I came out to my mum as being bi, and she's trying to come to terms with that. Although she loves me very much, she doesn't condone that lifestyle. Therefore, she doesn't want me broadcasting it to any and everyone online. She's also worried that some of my "friends" that read my diary may use it against me. Mainly, she doesn't want to see me hurt. And, she feels that me posting my innermost thoughts online can only hurt me in the long run. Even though, I don't agree with her, I've decided to respect her wishes and discontinue my diary. ::sigh:: But, don't hold your breath. I have a very strong feeling I may return sooner than expected. In the meantime, you can enjoy my archives. After I make my diary "reader friendly", I'll unlock it. I'm not too sure when that'll be, though. Maybe later today. Who knows? If you'd like to read it before then, the username and password are both "ana". Happy Reading. *Muah* :)
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. Just saying farewell to everyone on my buddy list. I won't be updating. Ever. Its been fun. I will continue to read your diary, though. Keep writing. If you ever need me, don't hesitate to email me: PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com, okies? *Muah* :)
from soft-parades :
hi, i hope you don't mind me adding you. love your diary.
from klcroft :
I feel as if I have been replaced. I don't know if it means anything, but I miss you very much. I need you. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever even talk to you again?
from the-mistake :
no, i'm not.
from the-mistake :
when are you getting it hooked up?
from ripetomato :
Yeah that's the thing .. it's expensive and it doesn't last long enough. Right now i pay about a dollar a minute, but I'm told I can get it cheaper. Someone just told me about those super-fast tanning salons .. I'm afraid I'll burn though .. not sure how it works. Hehe .. yeah, I took a long time to get around to reading your diary. I'm not sure why, but I'm glad I did.
from the-mistake :
i used to cry and scream "I WANT TO GO HOME!" when i was little and my mom kept telling me i was home. no its not, this isn't my home. nobody ever understood what those words meant except me and home, wherever that is. we always experience the same things, somehow its the same. but we can never help eachother because we can't even help ourselves. laughter is the only thing that keeps us from pain.
from the-mistake :
i just now saw that you have megadeth on your profile. i think i saw a movie on VH1 about them a long time ago. LMAO!
from blu-ta2 :
Phobia's.....such a bitch. I say...embrace your change, for what it is... "A beginning!" Yeah!... it might feel shitty, at first; "there's always this lingering feeling like (I've been here before) I guess it all depends on what angle you view it.(I perfer hanging from my feet,)personally,life looks better. yeah...maybe not. Well... there's always my saying "Life's beatings are like another layer torn off the cacoon in the effert to reveal the marvelous evolution within....loving it? Just letting you know,it always feels worse right before it's about to get better. your friend, you know who ;P
from the-mistake :
shit on a stick. i wish you were on right NOW.
from morceaux :
♥♥♥ i love it when people like you make me smile. i really wish i could find the words to thank you for your note, but i can't. i'm honestly speechless, but in the best way possible. merci beaucoup for your thoughts, dear.
from blu-ta2 :
Now!, in response to your note, you didn't put me on the spot, I like the way you make me think, too. Sometimes I feel diaryland, is the only time, My mind is truely challenged, in a good way...Pathetic though, except for my sister(and she's in diaryland, too)no one challenges me enough. Everyone, and everything around me, seems so...mechanicle, and blah! I'm happy you liked my entry.</P> It's funny, human behavior... I didn't know you, yet.. after I had finish my entry, first thing to come to mind, is how'd you respond. ( I guess in a sence, I did have you in mind when I wrote it,or atleast how I see you, and was excited. Glad you liked!....and for the record! I had a hunch the darker entries where more you, and the (writer's mask) is that part of ourself that is self-contious, and almost wants to take it all back(I feel you). </P> Totally understand the need for verbal excorcism.</P><P> I can be a little scary, when I really let'em rip!</P> I admit, I almost felt like apologizing for my last entry "Human Worth" .....but I won't, it's me, in all my hurt and contemptness ...it's beautiful to me,... momentary bitterness with life's ironic way of helping out....I am OK though. Till next time, be well;)Jekyll or Hide P.S Who know's maybe one day I'll learn to read "Me"
from blu-ta2 :
Hi there! In response to your first notes. I apologize, I knew you where moving, I guess notion just sort of excused, itself from my head at the moment that I searched for you, and saw you had not been around in a few days...Me! sigh
from the-mistake :
i had a dream last night that you re-did my template and put pictures of your family all over it. LOL! i was pissed. i'm glad to see that it doesn't have any pictures of your family on it now. mmhmmm creepy.
from blu-ta2 :
Hi jacks! I-miss-u, you haven't written in a few days. Then again, who am i to speak. I write something every three days....anyways say hello sometime!
from the-mistake :
JACKOLAS! i'm at school right now. someone is coming over tomorrow (friday) between 4-7pm to hook me up with the internet. i'm sorry i haven't written. things have been... complicated. i will explain later. i love you again! i hope you are not mad or anything =\
from blu-ta2 :
The answer to your question is, No; not really. To say I know you that well, would be to lie. I was inspired by your writing for it's all I know.... See...I believe that all writers have 2 faces, the one they pull out of the box to entertain, obsurd expectations designed to acomodate those around us, which I so lovingly refer to as:( the writers mask).... and then there is..the one that sits beneathe, longing to express its voice,not caring how eccentric or audacious it may sound. This face is: "The possibility of greatness, beyond the mask", the WRITER." To me your writing has that characteristics; of docter jeckle and mister hide..if I may, you seem to wear a writers mask....and often hate yourself for it. To hide your art for those who know you outside the madness. The way you speak, like a seperate narrator to your own writing (brilliant!.) Yet this on going search, for life and meaning in your words fuels you to enduer another day.... and that suits me. Always a pleasure, Be Well
from klcroft :
I like the way you are sounding lately.
from morceaux :
thank you, dear. i worry sometimes that, as a writer, i don't get my point across the way it should be presented - beautifully - but notes likes yours take my worries away. you should know, though, that i'm not the only one writing beautiful things (hint, hint). keep being a favorite, and thanks again ♥
from blu-ta2 :
Go.... jack! Acomplishments, earned with great effort,make it the more satisfying....yes? Like a hot cup of your favorite latte, sipped slowly in the cold winter,as its warmth pours all over you and it's flavor so... ambrosial that for it's instant, numbs all other feeling, and leaving you,just with pleasure. Yum! P.S. I used you as my inspiration(can you belive it?) It's called day-mares...
from klcroft :
I am so proud of you. I wish I could see how it finally turned out. You will have to send me a pic or something. I miss you Mr. Pringle. You are right, there is something deeply satisfying about seeing something you have put so much effort into turn into exactly what you want it to. Ironic to me how you and I are somehow going through similar things.
from blu-ta2 :
Nive pic, I love Edward Norton! I find him to be so guy next door....too cute
from blu-ta2 :
Glad you likes! Hope 2 see s'more of your work soon! Poetry is art, and does what art can do..trap heaven and earth in a cage - Archibald Macleish be well.
from blu-ta2 :
Can't believe I am saying this but,I am drwan to your morbit writing demeanor. Sorry you feel that way about the writing. Remember that "Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia"-E.L Doctorow. Just kidding throuh...but really I must leave you with this parting good "I shall live badly if I do not write, and I shall write badly if I do not live"-Francoise Sagan Pssst...we all have our (need social acceptance)days! Be well.
from oceans-depth :
Like the new entry and when I said two people I meant it as an interesting kind of compliment. Not in a schizophrenia sorta way.*hee hee xoxo Deja
from fellbehind :
Alive? Yeah, I guess you can call it that. Don't know what my problem is, seems you and I have kind of been in the same boat lately, only I haven't had the words for it. They're here somewhere though.
from exhaust :
Don't worry... I can never leave for very long.
from i--feel :
Good to hear. I have days like that far too often.
from real2reel :
Go look at the Action Item website, its at http://members.tripod.com/actionitem0/index.htm It would make me happy if you did.
from i--feel :
I've gotta tell you man, burning alive in the pit of someone's stomach doesn't interest me too much. Be well, Friend.
from promise-made :
lol that sucks.
from promise-made :
haha. i feel special now.
from the-mistake :
fucking bitch i will beat your ass.
from promise-made :
i love you. ♥
from the29th :
the best i can say is don't do it for or quit it for other people. i'd miss you if you were gone but i'm not the one to base the decision on. of course, look at me, i'm not writing much anymore either. be well.
from the-mistake :
aw. that seriously brought tears to my eyes. these past days have been hell in my house, especially today but i keep telling myself that it'll all end, atleast for awhile anyways and i'll be out of here in a week.
from the-mistake :
i should have gotten online cause i was up all night too. we always do that. then i slept all day but now i'm tired again annnnd my stomach hurts. last night was very very sad. i didn't realize how many people would actually miss me. i doubt you'll be on tonight, so i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow or something.
from the-mistake :
double vision. bitch.
from the-mistake :
mhmm. i'm sorry. it all happened so fast. my mom finally decided to fuck vegas in the ass. jar jar
from the-mistake :
yo cuz. i'm going to new york TO LIVE real soon. my uncle bought me a plane ticket, but he is calling tomorrow so i don't know when yet. i'm just spreading the news! i tube you again.
from chuffnutt :
Thank you for the birthday message. I love it when people remember. I feel like someone is glad I was born. Adult birthdays aren't as fun like the childhood celebrations. Same with christmas.
from the-mistake :
(http://www.broken-tears.org/nicole/images/gallery/tvapp/snl/93_14.gif) "i love you again"
from klcroft :
It was amazing to me to read your last few entries. The way you described the kitty...it was like you were decribing a human. The love and concern you expressed was so powerful to me. I truly believe animals are like humans. We are, after all animals ourselves. I love my cat like he was my child. I know that when he goes, and I hope that it will not happen for a very long time, I will be devistated because I will feel like I am losing my child. That is how much I love him. Your entry also proves to me what I have known all along about you...you have a beautiful heart. I love you very much and I hope that you are alright.
from the-mistake :
splurgy wurgy. you were in my dream last night. mhmm..
from the-mistake :
i get that feeling from you too. (like the previous note said) i made a list of songs to put on your mix tape. some of them are sappy, some are happy songs that make you want to shake your ass, some are just fucking funny but most of them you probably won't like. but i'm going to put them on there anyway cause you never know. i love you again. i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better somehow, but i don't and that tears me apart. i'm here for you if you want me to be.
from klcroft :
I don't like feeling like you are upset with me, or that you feel like I make bad decisions. Why do I feel like you feel that way?
from funda :
This is a test. (beep) This is a test of the Emergency Valentine's Day System. (EVS) This test is to see if leaving notes around DLand will make this a wonderful day (and weekend) in spite of not particularly being with anyone romantically at the moment. (ummm) May the results be that all this love in my heart found some productive use. (smile) And maybe a giggle or few (Happy V-Day from my other persona too :)
from klcroft :
I need to talk. I just really need to talk.
from the-mistake :
akjdhskjHDAJH!!!! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS ONLINE! ass fucker! i love you.
from frozen-geek :
serj has a really interesting mind, and i think he actual doesnt really "write a book" he just sticks all his shit in a folder, and some peopel put in to a book... which is crazy shit, cuz that guy should write...
from frozen-geek :
serj has a really interesting mind, and i think he actual doesnt really "write a book" he just sticks all his shit in a folder, and some peopel put in to a book... which is crazy shit, cuz that guy should write...
from the-mistake :
if your on internet explorer reading this, than you best get on AOL and talk to me.
from the-mistake :
ooooooh cramps! there is a hard booger in my nose and it hurts.
from frozen-geek :
it's nice to hear someone else quote cool gardens
from the-mistake :
toot! toot!
from klcroft :
I miss you. I know it has only been a few days, but I wish you were around to talk to. I was thinking about you tonight and I hope you feel better. I hate to hear that you are sick. I wish you were closer so we could go have coffee or something. I am not really down, it is just one of those nights, you know? I Just wish I could be in company of someone who knows me. Talk to you soon pringle man.
from the-mistake :
;'''''''^(
from i--feel :
Stopped in to see how you were. Glad you could sleep.
from the-mistake :
lmao! nice dream! last night i had a dream i went to a new school but it was like a giant hotel with a lot of space. LOL and before you went in, you had to find out what race you were and go into the building of that race and i saw all these chinese kids but no other race and they were running to their building. then i was like, "WHERE IS THE RUSSIAN ONE?!" LOL! then i was running really fast in the hotel/school, trying to find my class and my teacher was really for kindergarteners and i was the only big kid. she had a million cats in her room too.. i think it was actually one of my old therapists. creepy. hurry up and get on you canadian whore!
from the-mistake :
go see big fish.
from the-mistake :
thank you. i'm so proud i am a part of your guestbook and the number 69. every time i see that picture of edward on your profile i cannot help myself from laughter. 313 nigga!
from the-mistake :
HAHAH! that picture of edward norton on your profile looks kinda.. sexual. he's seducing young men with his eyes and sexy fingers. oh la la! make sure you brush your teeth twice a day to keep the dentists away! and avoid ice cream to keep the cramps away.
from the-mistake :
hahah! sick! my dog just eats the grass and pig ears. yum.
from the-mistake :
hahah, yeah i'm fine. i don't even know if i have it. probably not. you know me.
from the-mistake :
i think i have whiplash.
from the-mistake :
va te faire foutre avez pu l'abruti mangez mon vagin foutu que VOUS BISEAUTEZ AVEZ CECI. L'OH CE QUI RLENT MAINTENANT!
from klcroft :
I miss you too! I finally got myself all hooked up last night, but I was too tired to get online. It's been a big ass change and I am still dealing with it all. Jim and I were out of town for most of last week visiting his family. I am actually going to be out of town a lot this week too. I am going to go and stay with his mom tonight and help her put up all her x'mas stuff. I am VERY weirded out by that. We spent a lot of the holiday at the hospital because she has to be admitted Thanksgiving morning. :( But she needs help and she asked me, so I am driving to Auburn for the night to help. I am hoping it is just one night! I am feeling kinda weird about it, but I am going to go anyway. I feel like it would be rude not to with her asking and all. I am looking for a job as well. My funds are getting seriously low and I have to get on the ball. I have two interviews today. This town is SO damn big! I have had truck problems, but hopefully that is all fixed. I hope you are well and not too stressed. How are things going with that certain person? ;) I hope your job is going well and I hope that your car troubles are getting better. I have been thinking about you and I hope I get to talk to you soon!
from the-mistake :
;'''''^('
from on-my-rag :
my god. its that time of the month again. better start putting up decorations.
from the29th :
I'm not usually one to try and sell the sunny side of the situation... but. at least you have your new job. Without that, things would be even worse. I know how miserable car and specifically transmission problems are. You're in my thoughts. Be well.
from the-mistake :
my matress sits on the floor. so HA! biotch.
from the-mistake :
yeah yeah. i'm really sad because michael jackson is missing. my heart is broken. ;'''''^( ... [those are tears]
from the-mistake :
shut up and write an entry.
from i--feel :
Well, generally I understand why they wouldn't care how they make me feel, because I'm just a piece of meat to them. A clever, sometimes witty, thought-provoking piece of meat, and if they don't get what they want out of me then they need to tell me, regardless of my feelings. I am Jack's juicy T-bone.
from tool-nin-fan :
Fight club is one of the greatest movies ever...It's one of the only movies I own. Really like the diary.
from i--feel :
I have been rejected much like you. Recently a girl who reads my diary and absolutely loves it told me I was no longer entertaining enough and didn't update enough for her liking so she wouldn't be reading my diary anymore. I know how you feel man, it pissed me off to no end. Who do these people think they are anyway?
from grimm0826 :
Good to hear about the job, my friend. Go you! Also...sorry I've been away so long.
from atavistik :
if thats the way you feel about colour, you might be right. but if you ask my opinion, there seems like theres too much to your personality for you to be the black-and-white one. the world isn't even black and white. you're colourful and the world is gray.
from the-mistake :
"mm." dido! i'm at amy's house. she just went to go get a hair cut and her sister got the shower before i did. damn her! amy beat up a black girl cause she sucked jake's peepee. isn't that great?! that made white history.
from the-mistake :
umm.
from the-mistake :
yo yo you yo. where the shit are you?
from the-mistake :
and i don't really care if you think i'm strange. i ain't gonna change.
from the-mistake :
i dont give a damn about my reputation.
from the-mistake :
did i ever tell you, your my hero? your everything i wish i could be. ((i can fly higher than an eagle. cause yo yo your the wind beneath my wings.))
from frozen-geek :
Rad quote from serj tankian... you've got great taste in bands... and yessss fight club kicks ass!!!!! "you can't make an omlet without cracking a few eggs"
from i--feel :
That sucks man, but at least I know I'm not alone.
from onewetleg :
oh, goddess. i really feel bad for all t he things ive done in the past 2 days. im sorry you got in the way. accept my apologies. curses, jj
from onewetleg :
yeah, well, fuck you, you little whore. why don't you suck my dick and eat shit till you die? love, jj:)
from the-mistake :
i had another dream with you in it. it was pretty weird.
from fellbehind :
It's great how the anti-spam security measures prohibit you from signing a guestbook multiple times, but try to sign it once and it posts your message FIVE FREAKING TIMES. A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.
from klcroft :
It is okay.
from the-mistake :
hahah! that is a fucked up dream. sicko.
from the-mistake :
oh man i thought that you would be on. i haven't talked to you in a few days. well, i just wanted to tell you that i was just dreaming a few minutes ago and you were in my dream. you were dating this 30 yr old mom and she was at work and you made me go with you and she wouldn't get a lamp for herself, she kept making her son go get her shit. lol. then my mom woke my ass up. the end.
from funda :
Rarely do I read a single entry and jump to wanting to write a note that says I wish you were my neighbor so we could be friends.
from desertwitch :
HI JACK!!! (heehee, always look for a chance to say that since first time I saw "Airplane") Anyway, yes, am still planning to sign up for NaNoWriMo. I have absolutely ZERO planned to write -- went in fact through some squeamies just thinking about it coming down, but am jonesing now to let it rip on the silver notebook I bought just for the occasion. Maybe I'll do both in notebook and straight into computer -- depending on which makes me flow better that day. It actually might be better NOT to have a plan for this, becuase that way I won't get choked/frozen for words or be too harsh on myself for the get-go. Let me know how it goes for you if you sign up to! Love always, Ms. Congeniality ;)
from klcroft :
I hope you are doing alright.
from chuffnutt :
I spelt Palahniuk wrong in the link. I got the 'h' and 'n' backwards.
from the-mistake :
your funny.
from grimm0826 :
Who you fight is immaterial. WHAT you fight is everything.
from witcheepoo :
Love reading Jack's thoughts!
from klcroft :
Sure do miss my Jack. ;) I hope you are doing well. Thinking about you. I just haven't been around much lately.
from the-mistake :
silly.
from flyinglover :
hi. i just joined this site today. i ead part of your diary, and it is really amazing. are you a writer? there is something both beautiful and well, professional for want of a better term about what you have written.
from flyinglover :
hi. i just joined this site today. i ead part of your diary, and it is really amazing. are you a writer? there is something both beautiful and well, professional for want of a better term about what you have written.
from klcroft :
Yeah. I was bummed about atlanta too. My DM says she is still working on it but I do not have high expectations. I don't want to go back to the bar. I have my reasons. I know he would have me back, I just don't want to be there. I sure do have to get my shit together. I am going to try and talk with this lawyar again this week. Maybe he knows something I don't. Maybe he is a fuckbean? We don't know.
from the-mistake :
i took your advice. i'll explain the next time you are on. =)
from grimm0826 :
I know the feeling, my friend...I have an idea. You knock me unconscious, and then I'll do the same for you. :-)
from klcroft :
It is okay.
from the-mistake :
i dont know. ask seymour.
from the29th :
also, if it is permanent, i'll give you a password. {{{fiddly-parentheses-hug}}}
from the29th :
thanks. the lock may be temporary.
from the-mistake :
shit. sorry about before. where are you???
from grimm0826 :
You are not your job...you are not how much money you make...you are not how much your cat pisses...you are not how well your tub drains...YOU ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING KHAKIS! (Good to see you back...again!)
from klcroft :
I miss you a lot.
from holesome :
Death to Smoochy Rocks
from the-mistake :
AWWWWWW! after i wrote that his cat, Sparky came up to me. he keeps climbing oin the chair for me to pet him. damn, hes big.
from the-mistake :
JACK! im on my uncle's computer. ahhh, its so cool here. i had to hang out with two black girls the other day. it was hell. she made me try on slutty clothes, ha! my uncle's girlfriend has a 3yr/old daughter and she is obsessed with me. the other day she said, "YOU GOT BOOBIES!" LOL!! freakin' pervert. i hope my uncle doesnt have a freak out that i was on his computer. whatever... i'm gonna go entertain the old lady. i love you again!!
from klcroft :
I passed out last night. I was beat. Sorry I didn't say anything before I left. Check out my morning coffee soaked thought and weigh in for me! Have a "ood" day! I know I have bi plans. Hahaha!
from i--feel :
Yeah. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have anything important to say I shouldn't pretend I do, so I take a while in between entries. I like yours also. Your life seems interesting, or maybe you just put a spin on it so it seems that way.
from the-mistake :
oh yeah. P.S. your guestbook WONT LET ME SIGN!
from the-mistake :
again, you have amazed me. [[the shit out of me]] i love you more every single day. how does it feel to be so loved?
from cheshireluci :
i think this is my first time, even though your name seems familiar. you have a very interesting read.. and the dildo story cracked me up!
from i--feel :
Thanks for your support. Its good that somebody reads the thing.
from squirrelx :
Referrin' to enemas may offend some folks, but I don't think it violates the Diaryland banner code. Whatever that is. Your idea sounds wonderful to me! As ever, Xtine
from banefulvenus :
great stuff...
from the-mistake :
sorry. too much shit has been going on lately and i fucked up everything. maybe i will talk to you later on, or something.
from ljungberg8 :
INTERESTING*
from ljungberg8 :
wow, you have a very intereting life
from ljungberg8 :
is this diary real or made up? either way its great
from i--feel :
What about your neighbors? If there is an entry about that I'm afraid I missed it.
from myhorizons :
:)
from myhorizons :
I loved reading your diary!
from growpeace :
Hi Jack, thanks for writing, for more information please check www.growpeace.com play the game and enjoy the bunny attack. I have given that domain to People for Quiet we are working direct on the ground spreading lime and fighting the spread of this invasive destroyer. I am going to change my blog to all about the frogs and why it could ruin our economy and enviroment. join the a-peace-ring if you would like and Aloha for your thoughts. Joy with Grow Peace www.growpeace.diaryland.com/ www.growpeace.com
from the-mistake :
sorry i left without a goodbye.
from ljungberg8 :
heh, well, i used to be a tad obsessed with the wonders of fight club, so i weened myself off it. im still LOVING it though!
from ljungberg8 :
hey
from i--feel :
Hmm, so she's that kind of girl. Based on my mere 17 years of experience I've come to the conclusion that most people are incapable of finding people that make them truly happy. But like I said, although this Bob guy is the lowest of the low, he'll be the most sport for her. I guess in some weird twisted way he does make her happy, and all you can do is watch and wait for the next loser to come along.
from i--feel :
Weel, I'd figure a loud mouthed, womanizing, egotistical, sleazy, cheating bastard would cause a lot of contraversy, so she seems to have found someone good for her. Although it can hardly be good for her. You know what I mean. Are all of her boyfriends like that?
from squirrelx :
Thank for the notes, Jack. I truly appreciate your kind words regardin' Miz' Tate, not to mention your affirmation that the Finger Assist Method can indeed be mastered. Maybe some day I'll get the hang of it. Meanwhile, no 'wall bathtubs' for me. Love, Xtine
from i--feel :
Well, if this were a movie you two would hook up eventually despite your differences and be together forever, but like I said, I think I watch too many movies. She sounds kind of creepy as a girlfriend, no offense to her of course. Does her boyfriend know she deletes stuff and whatnot? What's with "Big Bob" anyway? The way you described him makes him seem odd. Very odd.
from nothing-good :
No we have not ever talked online, but I have another diary. This one is just so I can express myself in other ways and keep the style of the other in tact.
from sindustries :
well i was just converted into a fan of yours through 20 minutes of boredom and that pesky thing called being "nosey". found you. read some. loved it. coming back for more.
from nothing-good :
I like your diary, but then again, I always have.
from i--feel :
Interesting story. Not to sound stupid or immature, but why are you not with your room mate? It seems to me you two have this strange understanding and connection with each other. Kind of like Jack and Tyler. Maybe I just watch too many movies.
from fellbehind :
Dude, you're a total freak. Don't mean that in a bad way or anything, just making an observation. More like stating the obvious, really. Or maybe not, could just be I'm uptight and too conservative. I shoud be a Republican.
from mojo1915 :
Hey there buddy! I hope you have an awesome day! ~Jesse
from klcroft :
I think it is good that you had a good time. :)
from the29th :
Exactly and exactly and exactly. The ones who know what you are talking about are the ones you have to watch the closest. Hmmm. I guess that means me too, eh? And I, you.
from desertwitch :
-- just read your latest entry and can relate to the "white wall" of anxiety. I've been having it every late night and in the morning as I force myself to go to work. I've been pushing and pushing myself to catch up with my left-behind chapters for my assignments now overdue AND I JUST COULD NOT GET MY EYES ON EVEN THE BOOK COVERS!!! I am also getting meaner/snappier at work and fantasizing more and more about being assigned a desk in the basement where all I have to do is hear easy listen' shit all day and input data into a PC and NOT have to deal with drama addicted fucking coworkers!!!!!!!!!! Fuck. I almost feel like reupping for active duty just to shoot some adrenalin in my veins. And YES, it would worry me too if I did not even have an appetite for coffe -- hope you find yours soon, babe!
from desertwitch :
I just remembered to ask you if you've heard of National Novel Writing Month, a.k.a. NaNoWriMo, which you can cut and paste to via http://www.nanowrimo.org/index.php?s=2 They hold a writing thing which I'm considering joining this time around -- it's supposed to do what N Goldberg tries to make you do with her timed writings, which is to force you to get over self-consciousness and writing blocks.
from the29th :
It is always the way, isn't it? So then you get to the point that you are telling people right from the beginning that they can do anything at all as long as they don't become yet another person doing THAT. That being fake and pretending to care and sliding by on the bare minimum to keep you thinking differently. That leaving you as the-one-who-cares-too-much, the-one-who-doesn't-see... And "Oh, no," they say, "I'd never!" and then they do it even better than anyone before. I want to believe that this is not always the case but the only examples I can find are only of people who pretend not to notice. I'm just tired of making someone a top priority in my life and finding out that I don't even make the list in theirs.
from ghanima :
Slide, darling. Slide.
from the-mistake :
i swear, if i lived there i would be your friend and come over every single morning and make coffee and wake you up. i'd play with your cat and hump the doggies. we could sit and laugh all day and not have to worry about the rest of the world. i love you again.
from klcroft :
You know, I consider you dear to me.
from the-mistake :
;( i'm sorry, jack.
from desertwitch :
-- oh, and another thing she advices is to give yourself permission to write the absolute worst "garbage" in the world, and let her rip!
from desertwitch :
I think Buddhists are right when they say that the hardest thing for anyone of us to do is to let go of expectations in the present moment, which is what on the surface seems the easiest thing in the world! One thing that has helped me get better at not holding so tight to life's wheel, so to speak, is reminding myself in the grip of gripping too hard that that is exactly what I'm doing, and very slowly my grip seems to be loosening up. And as for writing, the writer Natalie Goldberg's advice in "Writing Down the Bones" has helped bigtime, which is to do timed writings without allowing your hand to stop for even a split second until your stopwatch/cooktimer/whatever sounds off -- it's supposed to train your "monkey mind" (Buddhist term for the editor/critic/verbally abusive parent in your head) from freezing you with its 2 cents!
from the-mistake :
yeah, ive been feeling like shit lately too. all i do is sleep and that brings me down even more. ive been barfing and my stomach hurts so fucking bad! i want to stab it!! i hope we can talk soon. ;) i miss you again!
from the29th :
Very true. But parentheses just aren't the same, are they? Or brackets. Or the fiddly parentheses that I like to use instead of regular parentheses. What are they called, I wonder? {{{{{i-am-jack}}}}} Ha. Now you've had a fiddly parentheses hug. Try washing THAT off. I think you have to use the SPECIAL soap for that. Made from Marla's mom.
from the29th :
Thanks for the note. I'd hug you for it but this box doesn't have room for it. But, no, not another silence like that. Just... silence has moved in with me here and I don't mind. Be well.
from the-mistake :
its boring w/o you. man oh man. a lot has happened! i saw jarod (george's friend) and were all going to hang out soon once george gets back from california. and george's mom is getting married to a some rich guy!!! LUCKY NIGGER! i just wanted to tell you hahah <#
from desertwitch :
Man have I been where you are right now! In high school, the teachers expected one of two extremes of any kid: (1) go straight to college and "make a name for his/herself" or (2) drop out/get married/go to prison. If you had a halfway decent GPA, loved to read, or were good at any sport, it seemed like at least one teacher/coach would be sweating you to Think Big -- a.k.a, not just follow your heart and keep doing whatever you loved to do for the sake of the joy it brought you but to "take it to the next level." I guess I lucked out that my dad never expected us vicariously live HIS dreams or even put us down about it -- though a couple of times when he lost his temper over us ditching, whathaveyou, he'd go on a rant about us keeping that up and ending up like our stepsisters (his older daughters) with a bunch of kids and getting whooped by a drunken loser. Now my mom -- BOY, love her silly, but she did obsess over us ending up like that! Then we also had a vice principal (who resigned soo after, thank God) who laughed in our librarian's face when she defended her order of 20 bilingual books to transition immigrant kids into English by saying "what for -- to be better ditch diggers?" Ok -- going on too long here, but I guess I want somehow telegraph the message to you that I spent the first few years after high school frantically trying to be all of these things -- college graduate, stellar citizen (via Army Reserves), AND upandcoming writer (writing for a newspaper, blocking my flow by wanting to write perfectly all the damend time -- whatever that means.) I think it was after my father passed from his last battle with cancer last year that all of that seemed to fade away -- it still comes back in fits -- the "what am I doing to get from A to Z" thing, but then I go "what for" and "where" and seem to be happier going at the pace I am now, however "slow" it may seem to outsiders. Take care, babe and keep being you own best advocate!
from the-mistake :
The name of Jack gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. You stick stubbornly to your ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise. You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing. Your friendships and personal associations are rather restricted, being limited to those of a similar nature who can understand and accept your rather straightforward yet reserved manner. You are steadfast and loyal, and do not allow gossip or anything belittling to be said against those whom you accept in friendship. You find satisfaction in being outdoors or in getting out into nature, or in dealing with the products of the earth. There is originality and depth of thought contained in this name, particularly along practical and mathematical lines. This name can adversely affect the health of your respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer from weaknesses centering in the head.
from klcroft :
I don't feel good. :(
from the-mistake :
NEVererrrrrr FORGET.
from desertwitch :
You did the right thing, though can relate to the bad feeling you get over having to do it. I think it's part of our cultural programming, not being a "quitter" and all. But DAMN does that shithead exboss sound like a poster child for fighting labor law deregulation! Also seems like a pencil dick little corporate ghoul!
from squirrelx :
We're not alone. Based on the e-mail I've received, it seems like a lot of folks wonder about such things as The Hulk's johnson, but there are also some who angrily wrote to tell me that I was besmirchin' an icon by referrin' to his genitals. Imagine, gettin' all bent out of shape 'cause some nitwit in Diaryland expresses curiosity about a cartoon character's privates. What limited lives some folks must lead. Love, Xtine
from klcroft :
Made a new one too. Check it out if you want. I am sorry about yesterday. I went to barf and then passed out. It was certainly my 19th nervous breakdown.
from grimm0826 :
No shame in quitting that job, my friend. As a matter of fact...report the supervisor to OSHA. I'm sure they would be interested to hear about how he denied you the right to have water bottles on the floor.
from the29th :
Holy hell, it sounds like you were lucky to escape that job. Jesus. I mean, the old joke is that every job everywhere is about taking your life away but that one, that was sucking it up with Hoover power. {PS, the diary is looking nice by the way.}
from alcon835 :
Are you serious about this job thing? Because that is wrong! Holy crap! I can't believe someone would do that.
from squirrelx :
My problem is, whenever our cats are havin' Kodak moments, I never have a Kodak ready to capture 'em and by the time I find a camera, they're back to feline business as usual. As ever, Xtine
from the-mistake :
hey "that jack guy".. umm i didn't sign off because i was mad at you, i just wanted to hang out with jake and amy. hot diggity damn, boy! nice diary. nice pants.
from fellbehind :
I'll probably have that roll of 1-ply for the rest of my natural life. Or at least until I throw it away. Maybe I'll think of an alternative use for it. And yeah, this being without a computer and having to come use my mom's shit sucks major ass. Maybe I'll just steal my brother's laptop until I can afford to get it fixed. You're job doesn't sound that bad. Well, it does, but all jobs are shitty. It wouldn't be a job if it didn't blow. At least you're not in retail.
from klcroft :
Hope you are doing well. Have I done something to piss you off?
from prettyknives :
damn... and everyone i talk to has never even heard of fight club... I AM NOT ALONE! *sits in corner and laughs occaisionally*
from the-mistake :
AT ALL_______
from the-mistake :
JACK!!!! i want to talk to your ghetto ass. MY ASS IS NUMB FROM THE ICE!! living organ donation saves lives. i hate gold diggers, don't you? their so... gold. i need a fucking cigarette since your obviously not getting on at all before you go to work. penis.
from the-mistake :
its 9 o'clock. wake up, ya bastard.
from the-mistake :
well, jack- atleast you don't have to work with a broken tail bone. hahah, i fell down daniel's stairs and broke mine. well, i'm not sure if its broken, but its the worst pain i've ever felt. that jew cursed my ass.
from grimm0826 :
Industrial jobs...seems like to do them well, you have to hate them a bit...get some Bayer Back and Body Formula...you'll be glad you did. Also, VERY thick insoles are a must!
from myown-person :
Hey, how's it going? So you got a new job? That tis cool. How long do you think this one will last? Look at the bright side though.... you get payed $9 an hour and you will get used to the uncomfortableness of it soon, just hopefully you do not get used to it before you leave. I hope though, that it doesn't bumb you out too bad, and at least, too, you still have your online time :-) Lol, i think you should write a book, your writing is sooo great! It really draws me in, it feels as though im reading a book. When i grow up i want to be a writer, but i doubt i will ever be able to write as well as you do. ~andrea~
from clocks :
yeah i agree-the books' ending was better-it left room for a sequal! are any other of chucks's books as good as fight club?
from i--feel :
Thanks, good to be back.
from clocks :
hello. i like your diary. figth club book is a classic-i wish more people would read it instead of watching the movie only.
from unhaired :
death to smoochy is a good movie.
from the-mistake :
translate this, motherfucker; Sie mssen das Bumsen an erhalten, oder sonst werde ich eine Gewehr zu meinem fucking Hauptgott damnit setzen.
from myown-person :
so, is she moving in for sure yet, or do you still not know? I REALLY hope she does. Cause from what i can tell, it will be good for the both of you. Just try to keep her mind positive about the situation, and if she does end up staying, do not let her leave, specially if she is going to move with another guy like the on she was with. And if she does end up staying, at least you have "SOMEONE ELSE" to take care of "THE CAT" LOL. well, hope everything goes well. Im out now, later!
from the-mistake :
J'aime Le PNIS. i found panties in your car again. you know, jack. i'm starting to get real fed up with this bullshit. you two-timing, tuna eating, masturbating, junkie whore with a compulsive overeating cat!!!!!
from the-mistake :
Dear Jack; i dont know.
from the-mistake :
Dear Jack; shit. nevermind.
from squirrelx :
My pleasure, Jack. You're always so very kind to me ... I wanted to let you know that you're appreciated and in my thoughts as ever. Best, Xtine
from the-mistake :
see thats why i said we needed our own secret password so you know its me.
from the-mistake :
hello again.....
from the-mistake :
that was amy the whole time last night.
from klcroft :
Haha! You missed the dildo HOW again? Funny shit.
from the-mistake :
grrrrr
from klcroft :
Thanks for thinking of me. That means so much to me. Always remember...Jack, you "unshit" me! And I love ya for it! ;) I wasn't on last night because I went out and went to see Joe Cocker at Riverbend..woo! Got to hear him do "You Can Leave Your Hat On" *K's personal fav* and a kick ass live ersion of "She Came In Through THe Bathroom Window". It was sweet. Jim came up and met me. We walked around in the rain and listened to some music. Aside from that...there are other fun things to spill to you. I hope I get to speak to you soon! I miss you! I will be out most of the week, though because it is Riverbend and I cannot keep myself away from the music, man. Fucking love it. It feels my soul! Wanna hear something weird? I washed my sheets yesterday...I woke up this morning to a match in the middle of the bed under me. I don't use matches!!! Thought that was kinda odd in my K kinda way. Sometimes I wish I could meet you just once so I could squeeze you and tell you thank you for all you have done for me. Thanks again, for being my friend. I love you. :)
from the-mistake :
i miss you again too! i finally got on their all asleep. i'm scared her mom will come out and yell at me.. because their not like my parents and don't care if i stay up all night. hahahah.. im sorry about before. were you really mad? you and clit just dont get along =( holy mother of hell it is so hard to type on this laptop it sucks!! im so high and my pills kicked in i took like 5.. remember? im in a good moodbecause i took them. i miss youu!!!! i love you again
from the-mistake :
((SEPERATION ANXIETY)) no.. i seriously have it. even when your around now. =( im high and i want to kill everyone.
from grimm0826 :
I'm thinking about my graduation, o so many moons ago...congrats to your brother!
from klcroft :
I needed to start my day like that...reading something good. Loved that last entry. Today will be weird for me. Officially become single. Wow. I think around eleven am I am going to freak. What do you wanna bet?
from the-mistake :
rae will be out tonight. AGAIN.
from fellbehind :
Self-punishment, and not the good kind, yeah, that makes sense in a fucked up sort of way. Think there's a support group for that?
from the-mistake :
FUCK WHERE ARE YOU?!
from the-mistake :
i miss you again, too. amy and jake are watching fight club. i wanna get highER. i sneezed an gibert is laying on my foot. awww..he lovse me! hr keyboard is hard to type on.. hhaah. I OOLOVE YOU
from chelsi-alexi :
Jack... After reading all your entries.. I realy think you should write books. Your very good at getting people attention. Oh, and ah by the way xXx is a great movie!
from the-mistake :
sdkjhsfhosebfoenslkjdg. sldkjhgksldjhgskdghskl. dhgksdhgksldhgklsghkls.
from the-mistake :
dude, what the hell. you need to wake up. i miss you again!
from the-mistake :
i didn't mean i was going to DRAW YOU. i meant, i'm going to draw. PERIOD!! drawing is what i do, nigger. i love you i love you i love you again and again and again and again. lets get high and listen to n*sync and cry our hearts out when a sappy homo song comes on.. hahaha! bad gas. goodnight.
from the-mistake :
LOL! i just have to tell this to you and i will stop talking about him to you cause i know you don't like him or whatever.. but clayton gets just like me when hes high!! LOL! i always listen to weird ass music when im high and he had this trippy cd and i made him put it in and he was doing all this weird stuff and it was hilarious. he was so out of it and paranoid. nothing happened between us though, don't worry. just a friend thing for now. he hugged me and told me to call him. what should i do? i've come to seek your opinions on this subject. its all i care to hear right now. i love you again. i'm going to go draw you flaming homosexual. LOL im messing with you. you know you are beautiful and have buns of steel!!!
from the-mistake :
jack! i had the best time but now that i'm home by myself i keep thinking hes against me and so is all of his friends. i think too much. i'm too negative. FUCK. jack. i want to tell you everything. i want to tell someone. you don't understand how much that meant to me. i don't even care if clayton liked me like that or not. they were the most perfect people. perfect friends. they're what i've always wanted in friends. they are just like me and its fucking awesome.
from klcroft :
ah...jealousy. Don't worry. He has nothing on you! ;)
from klcroft :
Meow.
from the-mistake :
JACK! i talked to smelly sack AGAIN. i wrote an entry about it. oh jesus jack. why couldn't i just be born a guy?! this would all be so much easier. OH FUCK.. RAG STARTS IN LIKE- A WEEK OR SO. maybe even less.
from the-mistake :
Jack. My lovely little anus. I sound like an idiot in all your notes you really need to take them off. POO.
from the-mistake :
LMAO!!! I DIDNT MEAN TO PUT, "get the smoke in my HEAD." LOL LOL! I meant EYE!!! that was funny.
from the-mistake :
haven't left you a note in like a day and a half. we must have daily notes as soon as the tea is ready to drink! i'm getting another hooker up. lOL I DIDNT MEAN TO PUT HOOKER I WAS JUST THINKING HOOKER AND MEANT TO PUT HOOK. oh lorrrdy. this girl keeps blabbing on and the IM is blinking and pissing me off because i can't talk to her and write this note at the same time or else i forget what the hell i'm talking about. yeah. i smoked more. can you tell? i think so. *indians* i am there >>(((spiritually)))<< with you, painting the walls and smoking my cigarette and getting the smoke in my head, beating the paint brush on the wall and your roomate sits and watches us and i tell her to get her lazy ass up and help us, "FUCKING ASSHOLE, GET YOUR ASS UP. LAZY BACON FUCKER." LOL! but i'll just be playing around cause i'm vulgur. *!WOWZA!* thats a funny word. i think of magicians. weird... smell my hair. smell my ass. goodbye. i love you again.
from the-mistake :
ew. i am NOT asslick, damnit! and fuck dannon.. i've got a new hook up. its a small world after all.
from the-mistake :
just thought i'd tell you cause i tell you everything and everything i mean anything and everything. GOD THESE DIARYLAND BANNERS ARE SO FUCKING GAY! AND WHENEVER I CLICK ON ONE THAT I LIKE ITS THAT SQUIRRELX GIRL!!!!!! OH SHIT ME NOT
from the-mistake :
dannon is coming over. LOL.. she called and i was like, "DANNON?!" oops.
from the-mistake :
lol.. its okay. i think claydick called me but i was half asleep so whatever. smelly sack asshole.
from klcroft :
Have a good day! ;)
from klcroft :
How can I love someone I have never met? You are the best buddy a person could ever hope for! I am glad you understand me. I feel you are the only one in the world who really does. That means everything to me!
from klcroft :
HEh. Hehe. Very funny!
from klcroft :
Always nice to hear from you! I don't know, I just feel kinda alive the last couple of days. It is a good feeling. I thought I was coming down with something, but I medicated myself and I'm all better now. I hope you are too!
from klcroft :
Just a note to say hi and I miss ya! Hope you are doing alright!
from the-mistake :
you motherfucking penis muncher!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! IM GONNA FUCKING CRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
from the-mistake :
I HAD A FEELING THIS WOULD HAPPEN!
from the-mistake :
oh yeah.. and i am going to go to sleep for awhile cause i've been up all night and all morning and all day so i'll only be a couple of hours. if you come on wait for me penis wrinkle.. lol. somebody is in desperate need.
from the-mistake :
you really need to get on!
from the-mistake :
oh my god. i'm an idiot. i was about to sign my own notes. i'm going to try and make this note neat and as proper as i can, okay? i smoked more with my friends. they came over and i just got back about twenty minutes ago. its four in the morning! my dad still hasn't come home yet. i think he stayed the night at the place my mom is staying. she was crying today and saying she was really scared, so he went over there. i'm really out of it and i wish you were on. i miss you again! <3
from the-mistake :
god damnit! weiner boy is sending my MORE pictures of him and his stupid fucking dick. i don't like it because its ruining my horny time!!! i can't stare at it for too long or else i seriously get sick. i wish you were on... this is really gay. its always boring when your not online. penis wrinkle. titty twister.
from the-mistake :
i keep thinking i can delete your notes for some reason. bye.
from the-mistake :
LOL! you put pits!!! OMG I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!!! THATS GREAT!! you meant to put PUTS but you put PITS!! I LOVE YOU AGAIN LMAO!! clit is all fucked up from her dentist's appointment and i took one of her loratabs and so did her mom. but she only took half... AHHH and i got high with her sister while amy was passed out! OMG she said the funniest shit in the car!! LMAO! she was crying and saying she was in chine and that she didn't know where she was. and there was this ONE guy walking down the street and shes like, "LOOK AT THE MEXICAN TWINS!" amy's mom made me tea!!! YUM!! i love how she makes it cause she puts ice in it too and its cold and yummy its british tea!! i wish you were on... blahhhh. somebody is here ,... its her sister's x boyfriend.. i told him his breath smells like penis. he came here last night with big bags of weed and her mom saw and freaked out. but we didnt see it... she told us about it the next morning. ewww i dont want the mcdonald's fries. NASTY. me and amys mom went and got a breakfast burroito during amy's appointment and i have the shits now. GRRR LOL!! okay i spilled the tea all over my lap. fuckk.. .i always spill stuff on myself. i showered today and smell really nic and my hair looks [pretty with a red tint when im in the sunlight... OOOHH I WISH YOU COULD SEE IT JACKOLAS!!!! lol!! nicolas only jacolas.. uhh hahahahahaha!!!! uhhh got any gum?? I LOVE YOU AGAIN (i know) YOUR CONCEITED (whats that??) YOU. YOUR THE DEVIL!!! hahaha okay i will stop bye i love you again. text sex is on.
from racer-chaser :
Wassup? I just read your entry about your favorite bar closing down, and seriously, I can totally relate. I feel the same way everytime I drive by the building that "The Trophy Room" used to be in. That was the bar that I spent my summers in (illegally of course, since I was only 16, 17 at the time and I'm now 20). But I know how ya feel! ~racer-chaser~ formerly inport-babe http://racer-chaser.diaryland.com/
from on-my-rag :
dude. tommy is lost.
from the-mistake :
god damnit. i'm fucking bored and depressed when your not on. =(
from musicland :
your a good kid jack...juat kept me occupied for hours
from the-mistake :
im already bored. my sister just told me to go to bed. fucking hoodlum thinks shes my mother. i don't listen to blonde bitches with shit eyes and big saggy boobs. =) i love you again and i miss you again and again and again. i'm gonna go hump the sheep now.
from the-mistake :
(piano in background) too late, my time has come. sent shivers down my spine but hes(?) aching all the time. goodbye everybody i've got to go! gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. MAMA OOOOoooooOOOOH! I DONT WANNA DIE SOMETIMES I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL! (guitar and piano) the rest i can't spell cause i'm stupid.
from the-mistake :
mama, just killed a man. put a gun against his head pulled my trigger now hes dead. mama, life had just begun but now i've gone and thrown it all away. MAMA!!!!!! OOoooooOOOH. DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY IF IM NOT BACK THIS TIME TOMORROW CARRY ON, CARRY ON as if nothing really matters.
from the-mistake :
is this the real life? is this just fantasy? caught in a landslide no escape from reality. open your eyes look up to the skies and see.. i'm just a poor boy i need no sympathy. because im easy come easy go little high little low. any way the wind blows doesnt really matter to me , to me.
from the-mistake :
who likes to smoke. enjoys a joke. and wouldnt get a bit upset if he were really broke. with wealth and fame hes still the same. i bet ya five your not alive if you don't know his name. <3
from the-mistake :
funny BUT weird.
from the-mistake :
BeigeNova: i-am-drunk BeigeNova: lol BeigeNova: i-am-drunk.diaryland.com
from the-mistake :
anyway* (not anyone) sorry i'm on crack
from the-mistake :
LOL! whats with the testing thing?! aahhha... oh boy. i can't sleep. 2 HOURS!!! THATS IT! and only.. wait let me do the math with my fingers... and only 2 MORE HOURS until i would be getting up anyone. GOD DAMNIT! i'm bored as hell... i've been chain smoking all night, or should i say morning? ahhhh fuck. my stomach hurts you whore. i love you again. goodbye nicole.
from plaguegirl :
My diary is public again. Sorry...long story.
from i-am-jack :
testing
from fellbehind :
The updates are almost frequent again, this is good. Ha, yeah, I've been wanting to put that Fight Club picture up forever, but I couldn't quite fit the caption in the frame with the font size I was using. And of course I couldn't just have that one be unnoticeably smaller, that's ridiculous, so I'm changing them all. Never did see Pecker, the title was a little offputting at first, but I have heard it was good. I don't think I owe Blockbuster any money, maybe I'll rent it this weekend.
from grimm0826 :
Good to see you back...I was beginning to worry. Also, interesting news about the not-so-happy little threesome. I am Grimm's smirking sense of irony! Take care...
from squirrelx :
Oh, Jack ... if only I'd known you're a toadstool afficianado! Those poor little things were among our precious few sales today. More merchandize was broken than sold, but that's a long crappy story. As ever, Xtine P.S.: you're wonderful, by the way. Folks around you at the moment might not appreciate that fact, but it's nevertheless true.
from klcroft :
My Jack...I love you. I really do. I can't remember whether I ordered blue ink pens or black...but I know I look forward to my invisible pringle man Jack! You fucking rule. Don't ever go away.
from the-mistake :
i fucking love you. thank you, that really made me feel better. i made it so your the only one that can i-m me and talk to me. even if i went a year without talking to you, you'd still be on my mind. your in every fucking dream i have.. its driving me nuts cause you always look like some weird ass famous person. i wish i could shrink you down to atleast 17 again and make you my only friend. i would rape you.
from the-mistake :
I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER READ CATHER IN THE RYE. I'VE BECOME OBSESSED WITH CHARLES MANSON. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! FUCK ME.
from fellbehind :
Thanks for the birthday note. I can totally relate to your mom's reaction. Raisins fuckin' suck. They suck ass. You don't give raisins to loved ones, you give them to your enemies. They are weapons of mass destruction. Okay, I'm done.
from on-my-rag :
guess who... LoL
from the-mistake :
AHAHA! I saw the seperation anxiety you left in your own notes.. jesus your funny when your drunk. I'm sorry about today, are you mad at me for doing.. you know what??
from i-am-jack :
SEPARATION ANXIETY
from the-mistake :
actually i never even put my away message on. aim put the auto matic one on because i was away for such a long time. oh oh oh oh oh!
from the-mistake :
sorry i never talked to you. i forgot i was on all day.. i wasn't home. if i did talk to you at all, it wasn't me. it was probably my sister or possibly a ghost. so sorry my love! goodnight.
from the-mistake :
HAHAHAHAH! suck it.
from musicland :
Your diary is great.. i love the way you write. talk to me anytime
from myown-person :
hey, whats up? Yeah i know how you feel about the whole having too much stuff to do, but not enough energy to do it. I know, that really sucks. Sorry. It's good that i got you thinking :-) that makes me happy!
from myown-person :
hey whats happnin'? nothing much here, just chilling. I saw you online, but your away message was on. I have to get ready for work now though, so i will talk to you later.
from the-mistake :
you always get your way, don't you?
from klcroft :
Think logically for a moment. What reason would I EVER have to be upset with you? I am not well and it has been a rough week. I have not been on much but when I am my laptop lets me know just what a piece of shit she really is. I tried answering you last night but it wouldn't go through. :( I was kinda upset. I knew you would take it the wrong way. I would have called you but I couldn't do that, so I just gave up and went to bed. It is not you at all. I miss talking. I hope you are ok.
from the-mistake :
your a slut.
from klcroft :
I am sorry I left ya last night without saying anything. When you read, I hope you will understand. :( Hopefully you are not too pissed at me about it.
from the-mistake :
bahumbug!
from the29th :
I finally bought the book. I'm halfway done. I don't like "Joe" - it doesn't have the same ring to it. Now I'm even more sure that what I suspected to be the book's ending will be the book's ending. I also bought "Invisible Monster" and "Survivor".
from klcroft :
I need to talk to you but I cannot sign on. Let me know if you are on...
from the-mistake :
you were in my dream. only it was david spade, but it was still you. i now see you as david spade.
from the-mistake :
don't you think its time to buy me a dildo? i think so.
from fellbehind :
Many thanks, Jack.
from punkrockfuck :
i cant breathe.
from punkrockfuck :
NO! I HOPE YOU DIDNT TAKE THAT PERSONALLY!!! COME INSIDE TODAY!!!!!!!! @!N!OONNO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEEED TO TALK TO YOU!KJHKJLGJG hey this is code: TURTLE SMOKIN' ... cause its green... i'll expain later~!! BETTER BHD UE BET ON SOON!!!!! BET = black entertainment! TINK!
from klcroft :
You should get outside today! Get some fresh air. It will will do you good. It is a beautiful day. I hope you got some rest.
from klcroft :
Oh, love...I am soooo sorry! I shut my eyes for a second and I was out! I will make it up to you! I promise. Now, what was that song? ;)
from klcroft :
Just been in a funk lately. I have actually looked for you a few times, but I suppose we always miss each other. Sorry about all that.
from squirrelx :
Thank you for your kind words about my varmints! Some days, squirrels are the only creatures on earth that make sense to me. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from malagator :
Update your bloody diary already, you lazy sonnovabiatch!
from ashadeofred :
hey. yes, you are indeed familiar. im sorry I locked my diary. there were just too many pointless people that didnt have anything worth while to say or even having remote interest in anything in my diary accept the fact that they have the address and they've met me. mostly just people that went to my old school and like to give me shit. you and matthew are welcome to read my diary, and im sorry you've been feeling alone. this is not a very good feeling to have, nor do i wish anyone else to be experience it. if youd like my screen name on aim is shadeofaredrose.. yahoo if you dont have aim is pinky94070@yahoo.com... you seem like a very interesting person, from what ive read of your writting and from what I hear from matthew.. who is also a lovely boy. talk to you soon. -renate
from punkrockfuck :
wanna come outside while i smoke? dude. i am so stupid... i was like i wanna call jack I DONT TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE. i'm insane!!!!
from punkrockfuck :
how rude you did it again. i'm all alone.
from punkrockfuck :
monopoly? i'm not smart enough for you.
from i--feel :
That's pretty much life though.
from the29th :
I never got the book. Three people I swapped with had things "lost in the mail". I'm so frustrated I could... do something unpleasant.
from i--feel :
Thanks for the advice dude.
from klcroft :
I just want to say thank you again for being around to talk to. You have helped me more than you could imagine. Your kindness means the world. You ain't so bad. ;)
from punkrockfuck :
your the only one i say again to.
from punkrockfuck :
are you cheating on me again? i found panties in the back seat of your car. and it really makes me wonder, ya know? why would you, out of all people have panties in their car. their not even mine. I DONT WEAR PANTIES YOU NINCUMPOOP! now tell me the truth, are you seeing other people?
from myown-person :
I move out this Friday, so in two more days, im sooo exicted. !!!!!:-)
from squirrelx :
I know you're right about the restrainin' order, Jack. Deep down, I guess I know a lot of things about my situation that I just can't bare to face up to on a conscious level. It's so temptin' to keep my fingers crossed and do nothin' --- hopin' life will turn out happily all itself. Talk about livin' in a dream world! Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from myown-person :
yeah, i opened my diry back up, so feel free to stop by :-)
from punkrockfuck :
"its natural"
from klcroft :
I am glad you are coming around on some things.
from squirrelx :
You ARE exceptional! Never doubt it! Thanks for leavin' me a note. How're you doin' lately? Your most recent entry indicated that you're goin' through some extremely rough times and I've been worried. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from klcroft :
I feel like a tard for half the things I said. Sorry about all that. :/
from punkrockfuck :
i feel clean now cause i showered.
from punkrockfuck :
ich kenne Deutscher auch motherfucker
from punkrockfuck :
J'aime Le PNIS
from punkrockfuck :
je biseaute l'arrt pensant vous et tout le grand sexe nous avons eu la nuit passe votre cum got comme grape-juice. doux mmm, comment j'aime le sperme de toute faon mon cher, j'esprons que vous pouvez manger ma chatte ce soir que j'attends avec intrt vraiment d'avoir un orgasme.
from punkrockfuck :
I
from punkrockfuck :
LOVE
from punkrockfuck :
YOU.
from punkrockfuck :
uterus.
from punkrockfuck :
ovary.
from punkrockfuck :
fetus.
from punkrockfuck :
chode.
from punkrockfuck :
rectum.
from punkrockfuck :
i had lots of dreams i need to tell you about.... you were in it.
from punkrockfuck :
im pregnant with your alien.
from punkrockfuck :
my goal for the day is to leave you 50 notes.
from punkrockfuck :
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOU BETTER BE LOOKING FOR A JOB YOU SCROTUM LICKER!! HAHA I LOVE YOU
from punkrockfuck :
i feel dirty.
from klcroft :
This is what I think...You and I should go Martin Blank on everyone. Proffesionals. Knock people off for a living. Good money, good fun. Satisfaction.
from racerchaser :
Hi Jack it's me again (import-babe). I have 2 logins. Racerchaser is my personal diary/journal. import-babe is my "fun page" dedicated to ripping on my rival racing team. Anyways, just thought I'd let ya know. :)
from import-babe :
Jack, This may sound weird, but YOU are ME! You are the male version of me. Exactly and completely. I stumbled upon your diary, or rather as a journal, as I like to refer to it (diary seems too girly). Anyhow, I came across it almost by accident and read a few entries here and there from the last month or so. It's eerie, how much you remind me of me. All the things you say, are the things I think, but don't ever say or dare write out of fear that no one will understand. I went and am still going through all the same "realationship shit" you are feeling. It sucks, I know, but I'm so glad that I found that there are others out there who know, too. Namely, you. All the ups and downs you spoke of, the anger, and despair, the happiness followed by sudden sadness, the "trinkets" you kept, the panick and anxiety attacks, even right down to the depth of perception. It blew my mind. I was eating while reading one of your entries, and right before reading the line about your panick attacks, I thought, "Gee, this guy sounds exactly like me, I wonder if he has panick attacks, too". Then before I could take another bite, I read the line about the anxiety and panick attacks and literally dropped my food in shock. This is so weird for me. I have never in my life come across another individual who thinks and feels like I do. At the same time I do. I was so intrigued, I even read your profile, and was almost shocked to see that you too love cars. But I won't get started on that subject cause I'd never shut-up. You even like some of the same music. I hope you don't take all this the wrong way, I just thought it all to be such an odd coincidence (or however it's spelled). I'd swear you were my long lost twin. But anyhow, I will go now, since this is getting a bit long. But please keep in touch if you can, I would really like to get to know you. ~Angelin DaSilva~ "import-babe" amerikanbeauty20@yahoo.com
from squirrelx :
I'm very pleased that you enjoyed my entry about the Lesters' haints. It was hard to write. I had the devil's own time puttin' my experience into words. Some realities defy language. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from punkrockfuck :
JACK! I had the worst dream in the world! you said you never wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with me again.. and then you told everyone who read my diary that i was stupid and they didn't read my diary anymore!! =(
from klcroft :
(((Jack, my dear))) I just wanted to say I hope you have a good day!
from punkrockfuck :
don't ever talk such nonsense again! i love you, and you do have a life! theres people in china that need one, just think how special you are!
from myown-person :
yeah, it was, but my fiance decided that it would be better if i locked it until my 18th b-day. So, then, it will be password free. And your username and password are both iamjack, just like that. so thanks for going to my diray. i will talk to you later.
from myown-person :
ne time you wanna im me, then do so, if you forgot your password to my diary, then its myownperson and the password is andrea i forgot what i gave you, but you can use that. but i will probably unlock it soon, maybe even today
from klcroft :
Thanks, love.
from daizychainz :
Jack...I dunno if you remember but I met you in the diaryland chat...and I read your diary...it's amazing. you're a very real person and that's such a rare quality...to find someone so in touch with the core of their emotions and everything. Your diary is kick-ass! I loved the entry about wanting to be held and loved...it almost made me cry b/c I can identify very strongly with that...my life is on an upswing as far as that is concerned, but there's been lots of times where i've felt that lonely and sad and desperate...I hope you see things go better soon. Drop me a line or check out my diary ("diary of an emotional idiot") if you feel like it...have a good nite...
from punkrockfuck :
damn dirty porn got fucked up in my vcr. my dad's porn sucks! just dirty mexicans yelling kinky words in spanish, can't understand a fucking thing! i need reader's digest to get off to damnit!!
from klcroft :
I was wondering how you were...damn dirty comcast bastards.
from punkrockfuck :
tommy says hi!!
from punkrockfuck :
forgive me for leaving that note. i'm an asshole, what more can i say?
from klcroft :
You have no reason to thank me. I should be thanking you for making me see things so clearly.
from punkrockfuck :
i was hoping that this would be a night that you would have trouble sleeping and would come online. i guess this just isn't one of those nights. i really want/need to talk to you. i'm stressed out, and it seems your the only one i can come to. why is it, the people i need are never around?
from klcroft :
It is true. Very. ;) Glad to hear I could make SOMEONE feel anything. I just don't seem to be good at anything anymore.
from klcroft :
It is like you take the words right out of my heart and my head and make them clear to me. I thank you for it.
from the29th :
I got the book on swappingtons and should get it any day now. Chuck Palahniuk said he liked the ending of the movie better, I read. But I'll let you know.
from klcroft :
It was obvious it wasn't about her. The same thing is happening here every now and again...I go through the needing a warm body close to love on stuff too. I just kinda wonder when all that will be a reality for me again. It feels like it will be forever. (Cause K ain't no ho! ;))
from the29th :
Yes, at the time it came out I just didn't think it was something I'd like. Since that time I've heard again and again I should see it but just never did. It being your favorite movie was sort of the straw that broke the camels back. I finally rented it. I didn't realize until I saw it that your user name was from it as well. There were a lot of things I didn't know were from Fight Club until I saw it. I really did enjoy it though. I'm glad that in the years since it came out no one gave away the ending to me, it was much more fun to suspect it.
from the29th :
I've meant to thank you for being the reason that I finally watched Fight Club. I'll read it as soon as the book gets here.
from klcroft :
For some reason it doesn't show up all that quickly on my end. Also, when you leave a note for me...I get it twice. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Your second to last pinpoints me all the way. I told you the things we bypassed would bite us in the ass!
from punkrockfuck :
[english version] i still love you! [again]
from punkrockfuck :
je vous aime toujours! [encore]
from punkrockfuck :
i'm sorry everything totally sucks for you right now. i wish i could make it all better for you some how. i hope you feel better soon. <33
from punkrockfuck :
sucez du grand la saucisse homme. nous aimons la saucisse ! qui aime la saucisse ? nous ! les thats redressent, hu d'uh ! sucez mon Dick, cause que je suis un dieu de hick. les fichues cannettes de fil motherfucking descendent mieux de leurs gros nes de ma proprit avant que je tire leurs nes. je veux votre weiner dans ma bouche. ew, malade. j'aime le weiner en brioches. J'ai obtenu Le MONDE ENTIER DANS des MES MAINS. comment se fait-il que tous les homosexuels soient gais ? ------------------------- ENGLISH!!! ------- suck the big man's sausage. we love the sausage! who loves the sausage? we do! thats right, uh hu! suck my dick, cause i'm a hick. god damn motherfucking cops better get their fat asses off of my property before i shoot their asses. i want your weiner in my mouth. ew, sick. i love weiner in buns. I GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN MY HANDS. how come all homosexuals are gay?
from punkrockfuck :
hello jack, its a lovely evening, don't you think? i am sorry [some shit about french notes...] this is fun, you dont know a damn thing i'm saying. i have genital herpes. i love penis. puke on my sack!! i don't have a sack. in tyler we trust.
from punkrockfuck :
bonjour le cric quelle belle soire c'est, ne pensez-vous pas ainsi ? je suis dsol que j'aie oubli les notes franaises plus tt que c'est grand, vous ne savez pas une fichue chose je dis la baise de baise de baise. j'ai l'herps gnital. j'aime le pnis vomis sur mon sac ! ! je n'ai pas un sac. dans le tyler nous faisons confiance.
from klcroft :
You need to update. I want to hear what is going on with you.
from mylostangel :
how come you havent updated in a while?
from klcroft :
Me too, love. Me too. I will be great one day. Thanks. I dig you!
from klcroft :
I will be fine. I just keep having to deal with Chris. I get a little better and he pops back into my life. It's killing me, man. It is almost as if he hates I am ok without him. Today was just rough. I will be fine. Thanks for your thoughts, though. ;)
from mylostangel :
i have no idea. i think it may have been an old friend or her bf
from mylostangel :
at least none of my entries were deleted.
from mylostangel :
someone hacked my journal. no one's is on my list. i'm fixing it. I STILL LOVE YOU!!!
from punkrockfuck :
KLCROFT IS MY HERO!!!
from punkrockfuck :
I can't sleep once again. I'm watching a porno and I can't help but think of you!
from klcroft :
I cannot sleep once again. I am watching Fight Club and I couldn't help but think of you! I dug your last entry. Very, very powerful. Good for you.
from klcroft :
I have no idea how I possibly could have helped, but it's good you are doing better. Glad to hear it. Now update, damn it! I want to hear how things are going for you. :)
from klcroft :
Well, quite sulking my dear! I know that it is easier said than done. It was one of those things where I just woke up one morning and was fine. I had to go through all the stages of this thing. Seems kind of fast...maybe I bypassed some stages? Lol. I am always either scalding hot or freezing cold. Never in the middle. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance? Just be kind to yourself, ok?
from klcroft :
Well, if you would ever like to talk, I am here. Just take care of yourself. You are all you've got! Maybe one day we will both find the person who will nourish us in ways instead of breaking us. Maybe one day we will learn to get past our past. What do you think? You need to update, too. I want to hear what is on your mind.
from klcroft :
I can't believe you are actually reading my thoughts. Thanks for your words of encourgement. Every little bit has helped me get through this. I'm not done yet...still things to take care of. I find myself ready to move on, though. Love shouldn't be so hard. It should sweep you away, not knock you on your ass. I hope you feel better soon.
from klcroft :
You are right.
from klcroft :
It is even harder when you are married. He walked out the day after X'mas and I have been right here every since. I am in the self destruction phase.
from klcroft :
Your entry...I thought I was the only one who was feeling these things. I really like to read your writing. I know that sounds really fucked, seeing as how you are going through so much inside. I hope you understand. Maybe it's that it makes me feel less insane.
from machina- :
Hey, sorry I didn't come back online. I left shortly after I signed off, and my computer's not working at my house.
from bree914 :
Hey! You seem like a cool guy. Is "I am Jack" from Fight club, or that one robin williams movie? haha.. hmm thank god u like alice in chains and pink floyd. Rock on.. later
from born-fallen :
hey, i don't know how i got here, but i read a little.
from klcroft :
You had every right to take the money. You have every right to be upset at her.
from machina- :
Yeah, you're welcome. I was just being honest about what I think of your journal, I really do think it's good.
from i--feel :
Sorry for the sufficient lack of entry. Its a combination of a lack of inspiration and an abundance of time consuming activities. I'll see if I can get something up in a couple of days.
from sickofiodine :
you lost your car, right? it crashed? cars crash. you have my sympathy and you have my blessing, but you can't take a car with you to heaven.
from punkrockfuck :
rehab. home school. tripple c.
from malagator :
Welcome to Jack's complete and utter stagnation! UPDATE ALREADY YOU PUNK!
from punkrockfuck :
i'm on again, and you are not. i was hoping you would be. i didn't go to school today and my mom is being psycho. shes not letting me sleep... what the fuck?! cause i went to bed at 1 a.m in the fucking morning. and have to get up at 5 a.m. this is so stupid. shes making me do chores, and then in an hour shes coming home to get me and take me with her all day so she makes sure i don't sleep. shes fucking insane! then she shares all her problems with me like i give a shit and tells me its mostly because of ME. i want to die. sorry, didn't mean to get all gooshy and emotional and smother you with my family problems. i've got no one else.
from machina- :
You should check this out-http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/author/test/chucktest.htm
from myown-person :
hey, hows it going? well if you wanna check out my diary, then aim me, and i will give you a password. i had to lock it for certin purposes. if you forgot what it was, my sn is lilbichicka, later!
from punkrockfuck :
i cannot stop coughing. those tripple c's should of taken care of that! jesus, if only i were born a few years earlier.. we could be together!
from machina- :
Yes, I think that the only time in my life where I have had a sedated oulook on life was when I WAS sedated chemically. That's why the people who are truly at peace with everything are so interesting, they do it without any drug to change them. Had your friend been calm all his life, or did he change to that outlook after years of life experience? I think that after having my life go through ruins I would feel the opposite of contentment, even though I guess I feel the opposite of contentment now even without living in ruins.
from machina- :
Is that strong inner peace both strange and interesting due to the fact that it feels so alien and unattainable? I too have met people like that, but usually they follow some philosophy of zen and are very spiritual, which seems odd to me in itself. I wonder sometimes if those full of zen and peace are really more of a time bomb about to go off after years of holding it all in, or if they really allow everything to pass through them.
from machina- :
Beneath the surface arent we all raging? Beneath a quiet facade there are always gears running, some process of thought going through ones head....except for when there isnt. There are people who really are nothing much except for their exterior, and that quietness which they posess is really their lack of anything to say. Whenever I meet quiet people I try to distinguish if they keep what they're thinking inside or are just not thinking much of anything. Usually they're just very withdrawn.
from machina- :
"Calm as Hindu cows..."
from kinky-kitten :
hi, jack...just wanted to say that i really enjoy your diary. i've only started reading it recently, but the feelings you have toward the girl who recently broke up with you are quite similar to the way i feel about my ex-boyfriend. anyway, i just like the way you think about things in general, and you often put into words things that i think but i don't have the ability to clarify with language. keep rockin'. --alice
from fuckingmarla :
okay. THANKS, ASSHOLE! don't fucking leave me notes like that. prick.
from alcon835 :
I just want to tell you that thought you seem pissed at life right now. It will get better. It always does, even when it feels like the world hates you, there is still hope, and that better day will come.
from twinkle-tows :
hey nice profile i hve alot in common with you
from myown-person :
hey, im andrea, i've talked to you online before. just wanted to say hi, and check out my diary! later
from fuckingmarla :
hey asshole. i take paxil, like you want to take it. YOU BETTER NOT BE LATE NEXT CHRISTMAS!
from i--feel :
If I might offer some advice: It would seem to me that although your ex-girlfriend may want to change, odds are she will not. She may for a little while, but she'll probably go back to her selfish hateful ways before too long. You ought to be careful not to get sucked back into her lies (or promises she can't keep). She seems (from what I know) to be somewhat similar to my mother, who will never really change. Just thought I'd throw that in there.
from squirrelx :
Dear Jack: I'm profoundly grateful for your compassion and support! Just sayin' 'thank you' doesn't begin to express how much they mean to me. I don't think there are any words in any language I could use to let you know how much light you have brought to my heart, and your kindness is even more precious given the emotional turmoil in your own life right now. Love, Xtine / Squirrel X
from justenough :
i love this diary! i am jacks sense of amusement
from punkrockfuck :
ahaha! you crack me up! one time me and my friend pranked someone and my friend says, "go into your closet" (("OK")) "now go out of your closet" (("OK")) "you just came out of the closet!" or something like that. its was funny... yeah... i have the shits. bye.
from lintpickle :
I know you know this, but you are SO much better off. It's hard to see what's happening to you when you're in it. I know, I've done it a million times. And you just keep hoping that you being there and giving them love will bring out the best in them, but there are some people you just can't save, and she's one of them. Please save yourself this time.
from fellbehind :
Are you kidding? Ramen is a delicacy, my friend.
from i--feel :
I read your notes. I don't much care for Catholicism because kids are raised like you. Now, if I may ask, who is Antagonist Superior?
from weaktnspirit :
well, I think I'm just driving everyone else crazy.Like if something bad or unexpected happens I say sombrely-'It's only after we've lost everything,we're prepared to do anything.' Check out Chuckpalahniuk.net,Chuck's written some amazing essays there.
from weaktnspirit :
Maybe it's about time someone banned me going to the computers at school to read fight club fan pages..oh and if they stole my video and the soundtrack and gagged me from saying fightclub quotes at least 4 times a day!..I'd be on the road to recovery.How about you?
from weaktnspirit :
Shit,your diary's great. There should be a support group for fight club addicts..or just all round Chuck Palahniuk addicts..I know I'd have to go.Good work anyhow.Hattiex
from i--feel :
Ya, it does suck not to be inspired, but it'll pass sometime or another. I am curious, what are your beliefs on God? And don't worry, I'll leave you alone about it if you tell me.
from punkrockfuck :
haha that last note was a fat boy slim song.. sorry, i was bored at the time. but guesssss what.. that boy i liked ((STEVE)), well he thinks i am cute! but you know what just fucking sucks. he might not go out with me because i am a freshman. he is a senior (which i didnt know until today) and is 18!! fuck! oh well though.. he talked to my friend andres and steve told him he was thinking about going out with me but we dont really know eachother, and i was going to get his number after school, but he was being gay.. haha. AHHHHH! someone finally likes me back! i didn't mean to depress you or worry you or anything. i'm alive, right?
from punkrockfuck :
i have to celebrate you baby i have to praise you like i should.
from punkrockfuck :
yeah parents suck. wanna know something amazingly cool, that you will shit yourself. (HA not really.) i have a 28 year old friend! you and him could hang out together and we could all be friends!! hes goofy like you, and i made him write me a letter about wanting to swing dance with me... haha. oh shit, he is 29. nevermind. today is his birthday. and OMG i miss you!!!!! some assholes just need to get online more often to tell me about their lives. even though i do read your diary, but still. wheres the comedy?
from punkrockfuck :
i am so not a tease! how dare you! haha, just kidding! i had to sign off, because my mom was bitching at me, and i just wanted to tell you that i missed you before i signed off. i'm sorry.. i'm glad i don't have to get a job... [[yet.]]
from i--feel :
I hope things get better for ya dude.
from punkrockfuck :
OH MY GOD! YOUR 24?! haha, jk. i'm 40.
from malagator :
Yay, I figured out how to leave YOU comments! Diaryland is weird. Anyway on with the comment: Lol!! You're the only person I know that can turn a day without coffee into a tragic tale of suffering and agony! Heh. You rock. That sucks about how things are going at work though. If you change your mind about that other job I told you about, let me know. You might like it better. Definately better pay/benefits. Anyway, come over soon and GET YOUR TOE SOCKS! :-P http://mediocredeity.livejournal.com/ Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
from squirrelx :
I'm still tryin' to figure out how to make a an 'official' banner with soap on it for Write Club, but in the mean time, I could send you just the soap graphic if you want me to. Just let me know what e-mail address to use. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from klcroft :
Hope the insanity will be over soon for you. (Christ, I sound like a fucking Susan Powter commercial.)
from squirrelx :
Bless your heart and thank you for joinin' Write Club! If I can ever figure out how it's done, I'm gonna make us our own special banner. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from mugbug226 :
after reading your profile, how did they think you were a girl?
from punkrockfuck :
sorry i offended you. i've come to realize he isn't good enough to be anything like you! haha. fuck him, hes an annoying asshole and grrr he makes me so mad! okay. i will stop talking about him. did you ever talk to your girlfriend about the whole 'are you using me' thing? i have to sneeze.
from squirrelx :
Thanks for the compliment on my banners. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from punkrockfuck :
hey baby doll!! sorry im not trying ot hit on your im just feeling nice rightn ow!! i miss you!! BUNCHES!!! my jackie jack you tell the best stories and guess what .. that kid that i said reminded me of you well fuck that i change my mind you are much beter he fucked me over.. i'll tell you about it when were both on aim okay bye hes comign!!
from klcroft :
I am reading Choke right now. Have you read it?
from fuckingmarla :
<3. grapes.
from fuckingmarla :
bored again. i'm happy you have a job now. you tuna eating, masturbating white whore.
from angelofroses :
whoops.. it's here: http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml/jacklayout.jpg
from angelofroses :
Also, check this out... The offer I made before about the layout still stands. You can have the color changed if you want... http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml.jacklayout.jpg
from angelofroses :
Not that I know of, but go to ranchoweb.com and sign up for free, you can upload images there and use them on Diaryland because they allow for remote hosting.
from fuckingmarla :
wow. i've left a lot of notes lately.
from fuckingmarla :
gee whiz, beaver.
from fuckingmarla :
go ahead. you can break me, stare down at my broken pieces and laugh.
from fuckingmarla :
im thinking about STAB STAB STAB CLICK ME! STAB! dress rehersal. COLOURS. and behind your dark glasses yur something else. andyur really lovely underneath it all. 9:38 P to the AM. (((((((((PM)))))))))))
from fuckingmarla :
yes that was the guy who reminded me of you. and you know whats weird?... i knew he was a leo just by the way he acted (he acted like you, well just the coversations we had and how we laughed at everything was like how we are.. lol) and then i asked him what his sign was and he said LEO!!! oh im so good! okay i will talk to you on IM now..
from i--feel :
I thank you for your incouragement in the area of my mother. Its interesting that although parents can be less mature than their children, they still have all the power. Quite a connundrum.
from fuckingmarla :
i met someone that reminded me of you. and i had the best time with them.
from i--feel :
I have turned on my notes, if it interests you. Although I was unaware that I had an audience consisting of more than myself, it is nice to know. Your diary is intriguing, "...in a Tyler sort of way."
from punkrockfuck :
this is silly. just tell me you want me and be gone. HA!! kidding. my eyes are burning.
from angelofroses :
We live on off-brand stuff. Or store brand. That 2 for $1 Mac and Chesse is the best. It's a bit better than ramen, because with ramen, all you want to do is sleep because you don't have enough energy or calories to burn.
from mylostangel :
and how are we doing today, Mr.Durden?
from super-cabra :
Sorry dude, I just assumed, which we all know makes an ass out of you and me..well, really just me. Yeh, Fight Club is the greatest movie ever, have you read his new book " Choke", its very good. Well, I'll talk to you later i guess...something like that.....don't forget to sign my guestbook, my name is Chris. Bye.
from sickofiodine :
hey now cowboy, did you get kicked out by a roomie or your dad? because if it's a roomie then seriously, there are far worse things to worry about. if it's your dad then i, personally, would just give them both a good whoopin'. and i'm not joking either, i mean hell, you shouldn't find yourself in the position to dispose of bodies in the near future, but i'm just saying that things like this solves itself. or it never does and you go to your grave bitter. either way, if i were you i wouldn't take getting kicked out too lightly. but i would forgive and forget and get that bitch out of his house.
from mylostangel :
dont worry about offending me. i'm not easily offended. ^^
from fuckingmarla :
i am glad you are writing so much, and getting this out. has all this been on your mind for awhile? i wish i could write like you. it kinda makes me sad whenever i read your diary, that i can't write like you. hmm, oh well.
from mandyreese :
Did you know that NITRO GLYCERIN can be rearranged to spell NYLON RICE GRIT? But that's not quite as fun to say . . .
from mylostangel :
(gasp) you popped my note page cherry!
from fuckingmarla :
don't feel guilty because its not your fault. its not anyones fault really. maybe i just asked too soon for him to know for sure. or maybe he won't ever like me like that. atleast i tried, and i now know the truth.. right? i would have felt even more stupid to go on with thinking he liked me.
from sickofiodine :
ok, when last i checked you got laid off from the post office. and as far as i know having no job can suck because, hey, no food. and food is good. but it's the POST OFFICE. the POST OFFICE! and unless you got your jollies off reading other people's birthday cards from grammy or commiting small, unnoticable acts of mail fraud, i think any job should be better than that one.
from handsomedan :
I think, that if you write fan-fiction about fight club, you may have missed the point.
from fuckingmarla :
No, of course I am not mad at you. My computer was just being a bag of shit, and I was going nuts and almost broke it. AH, not good! Today is my sister's birthday and I hope I don't get the shits on the way home from the MEXICAN restaurant. hahaha, that was disturbing to leave you terrible thoughts of a girl half your age getting the shits, its disturbing to even hear that, especially from a girl. But, I bet you'll handle it well.
from applerobot :
i havent heard anyone use the word ambergris, ever, until you. and it made me excited. so.. uuuh, good then. chuck palahniuk ist gut, ja?
from sickofiodine :
ok, fun fact about the shooting of xxx: vin diesel celebrated his birthday on the set and they hired YOUNG MALE PROSTITUTES AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO HIM!! i shit you not. really.
from ana-wreks-it :
lol, yea, i got rid of my stalker... and ever since, things seem to have gotten alot better... well, as good as it can get for ME n e ways.... thats nothing spectacular. but yea, i actually got rid of her w/out haveing to put up a bunch of bullshit info about myself either... going to different highskools makes it alot easier to avoid people ^_^ so yea, im back, and im gonna try and actually keep my page updated... weather that truely does happen, we'll see... take it easy jack ^_^
from fuckingmarla :
hmm that is odd. i thought it was just a bird, actually. i bet you feel a lot better.. paranoid freak! AHH!! hahaha, just kidding. yeah well me and the "big eyes" are friends now and talk all the time and i moved next to him in english. its all falling into place, thanks again for the advice, way, WAY back in the past. you really need to get online, i want to hear some stories!
from angelofroses :
Oh, that's good. ^_^
from angelofroses :
I thought it was just me who got that odd disconnected-falling-out-of-your-skin feeling.. hum.. Oh, about fixing the template... Maybe try switching to a different one temporarily, then switching to the one you like. If it still doesn't work, contact me, I can see if I can get it to work by altering the HTML. (basicly kicking the thing into working) ^_^
from angelofroses :
I didn't get the e-mail, but I can help you, actually for you it's pretty easy since you have the diaryland template. Just make sure you save the code for your diary rings, then select a new template (you can pick the same one you have right now) and then re-paste in your diary ring. It should fix it that way. ^_^
from un-decided :
Hi, I actually don't even write in un-decided at all anymore, not even diaryland. I'm sorry, but I bet that sooner or later I will be writing again, maybe not even un-decided, I know for a fact that it won't be there/here, whatever. But if you would like to chat with me sometime, [IF] then my screen name and email stuff in on my profile. Okay, thats all I really have to say. But I will continue to read your diary because I love it so damn much and Fight Club is the greatest thing in the world. Book and movie! Catch ya later, goodbye.
from angelofroses :
Paxil is not that bad, it doesn't really have any side effects and it is not addictive at all. I used to be on it off and on for my depression. The only thing I really noticed is that my moods where more stablized, if I got into a mood, it was never extreme and it stayed like that for awhile. It's like it levels you out. After I stopped taking it, I never really noticed anything unusual, no withdrawl or anything like that.
from angelofroses :
Oh, forgot to give you some samples of my work... http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml/default.htm There is links to custom designs on the templates page.
from angelofroses :
You don't need a gold membership, there are ways around that(yes they are legal). and if you like the blue and white, i can incorporate those colors into the template. Just a suggestion. ^_^
from un-decided :
hmm.. is that a good thing or a bad thing?
from narcoticgerl :
i guess that's a good thing :)
from narcoticgerl :
nnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo......I AM JACK......so there.
from angelofroses :
ouch! Poor you... If it's not one thing it's another. >_< Anyways... was wondering if you want a Fight Club themed layout for your diary. ^_^
from un-decided :
I don't really believe in marriage. I do, but its just not for me. I think that if ever get married it'll ruin everything, all the chemistry and all that smoochy noochy nonsense. I am not going, and neither is my mom (to the stupid 4th of july wedding) she just made the flowers and decorations. -Rae
from ripetomato :
Yeah, that's just it. In Canada there's almost always an Ikea within relatively short driving distance, it seems, and everyone knows the store ... whereas whenever I mention Ikea to an American it seems they haven't a clue what I'm talking about. Hence my being misled. *Sigh*.
from missmelis :
i am completely obsessed with fight club. i read your diary, and needless to say, i was anything but disappointed. you have quite the knack for writing, especially in the language style that draws me to the movie so much. i really like your stuff.
from ana-wreks-it :
i actually found u on some1s faves list ^_^ i figured that ur diary must be good, so i checked it out. i wasnt disapointed
from ripetomato :
(((((((((hugs))))))))
from peta- :
so love your style of writting, even though it is not intirly yours. Personally, i have never read any of Chuck Palahniuk's work. But I have seen 'fight club' about 1 or 2 hundred times. well just thought i would say that you are quitw entertaining
from ripetomato :
Oh, this was all my own doing, not the mighty therapist's ... only someone who's been to chat can fully appreciate how evil it is. ;o)
from angelofroses :
Congrats on getting the money out of the rat! Hopefully your car will be fixed soon and you get a job with more stability..I know how that goes. I got a job and was then fired two weeks later...Oh well.
from mynameisjill :
i just read fight club. kick ass. it was great. i am jill's newfound sense of clarity. kick ass.
from samantha :
if you live in St. Louis, I know where you are. well, not exactly. I was there for three weeks and I drove by that Ford plant and I heard it was closing down and I'm sorry if that's where you are.
from sickofiodine :
you have no email address. how am i supposed to respond if you have no email address?
from sickofiodine :
wouldn't it be funny if your name was sam so it would be like "i-am-sam" like the movie with sean penn and all of those beatle's covers? come one, spacemonkeys listen to music, don't they?
from mynameisjill :
hmm. i've seen the movie fight club but i can't recall that part. i guess i haven't seen it for a while. yeah, i can't remember who mentioned that. the the guy, jack, on will and grace is hilarious and so adorable. he says 'JUST JACK!' and throws up jazz hands next to his face whenever he does (he had a one man show called 'JUST JACK!' on the show). i think i'll watch fight club again. i don't think i've seen it enough, but then again, there is no such thing as seeing fight club enough. so yeah, thanks for the reminder. (:
from mynameisjill :
hey i was in the diaryland chatroom and somebody noted that they have never seem i-am-jack and mynameisjill (me) in the chatroom at the same time and i was like 'HOLY BLACK JESUS THERE'S AN I-AM-JACK' and they were like 'yeah' so now i'm here leaving you a note because...yeah...i don't know. i'm weird like that. yeah. so anyway, i just wanted to leave a note and stuff because i thought it was cool that somebody here is a jack because i've got the jill side covered. unless your name isn't jack and your name is just a lie. lies! all good though. just saying hi and have a nice day and go check out the diary some time. or not. shmeh. shmeh i say.
from angelofroses :
Way to go for winning against that rat!
from samantha :
I love Fight Club as much as you do. I've seen the movie too many times, read all of Chuck's other books, and made about five music videos for the movie from songs such as "Split Personality" by 12RODS to "Angels to Insects" by Papa Roach.
from i-am-jack :
I am Jack's Empty Notes Box. Noone Loves me.

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