messages to illusionless:
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from musikoid :
Echo wound up finally slipping away in the middle of the night two nights ago, and I'm sure she will no longer have any contact with that guy or any of his people. But it's pretty bad. She appears to have suffered just about every conceivable form of physical and sexual abuse imaginable, and now she's homeless, as well as traumatized for life. She texted me saying "I am no longer the person you once knew." It's pretty horrible, and I'm still writing diary entries here, I'm just not letting anyone see them, for now. I invited her to stay here in the spare room, and was thinking maybe Bethany could get her the money to come up. But I don't think she wants to do it, nor am I certain I can be of any real help. I've got my own darkness going on right now, and the shock of all this, combined with general insensitivity on the part of some of the people to whom I have been turning for help, has been too much for me. I've had to cut contact with a few people who have said some incredibly callous things, and I'm almost ready to eliminate anybody who has not personally been a fa the and knows what it is like to have brought up a daughter and have to had this happen from my support group. Of course that's impossible, but I get really scared when I talk about it now, because of some of the responses I get. I quit volunteering at the Center and I asked for three months off from my newspaper job. Your continued prayers would be appreciated.
from lust- :
I grew up in the GTA, as well. Pickering and Ajax to be more precise. I moved to London from Windsor in May. M is hoping to get residency in a rural town near Ottawa. His brother lives in Ottawa along with his partner and a couple relatives of theirs, so he wants to be close to family. Would be nice. We'll just wait and see.
from lust- :
Neat! Did you grow up in the GTA? How long have you been in Ottawa? Thanks for the well wishes in regards to my relationship. We talked and are going to be fine. Always going with the ebb & flow. Hope this note finds you well.
from musikoid :
Hey Illusionless thanks for your note. Glad your dad is in good spirits. I'll be sure to pray for him, and if you can pray for my daughter Echo, she is in some really hard places (similar to what I was going through around 2013 or so) and she needs to focus to get herself out of an abusive situation and into something more healthy. I always appreciate hearing from you. Take care and God bless.
from lust- :
Re: the note you left me-even though it sucks and is super annoying, I'm glad someone can relate. Do you live in Ottawa? I hope your dad will be alright. Good on ya for getting Christmas shopping complete! Hope you have tons of love and light this festive season.
from musikoid :
Illusionless, good to hear from you. The positives sound very positve. There's a lot of stability there, and centeredness. I especially liked seeing #8, just because, you know, friends are hard to come by (I find, anyway), and when one has one, it's a good idea to try to hang on to them. (My experience anyway). I'll pray for your Dad. How old is he? I somehow sense he'll be all right. The surgery should be straightforward, and I've had a couple friends who have had defibrilators put in. It is scary, though, I know.
from chakra-nadi :
do you have an email I can send the password to, or would you delete the note? Thanks.
from musikoid :
Winter does make it harder to keep up an outdoor exercise program. Here we have this big dome called the Kibby Dome (don't ask me why) where they have weight machines, showers and an indoor track. I think it's free for students but something like $6 a day for townspeople not associated with the University. That's pretty daunting, but it does have a track. Anyway, congratulations on your weight loss. I need to lose 20 lbs myself.
from musikoid :
Sure thing. There's only five people I read nowadays (and one of them hardly ever updates) so I should be able to do so.
from musikoid :
I get that. I'm just coming from, I have a reading disability. I can probably follow it better if I read it a couple more times.
from musikoid :
I have a hard time following the stuff about Music Man except for that he seems to be an insecure kind of character.
from college-kid :
Hope your sleep schedule gets ironed out more consistently here soon. Have you tried melatonin? That stuff does wonders for me.
from musikoid :
Hey Illusionless, thanks for your second note. I think you and I are somewhat alike, yes, in temperament and preferences. It's hard for me to co-inhabit with someone, even someone whom I love. I remember when I was homeless I even had a hard time having a buddy to camp out with, although of course one is safer when one camps out with friends, rather than alone. I always kept looking for the most secluded, out-of-the-way spots where I'd be least likely to be hassled in the night. I also had trouble with group live-in situations (halfway houses, etc.) which were suggested as stepping stones to get oneself out of homelessness. And now that I have my own apartment and my own space finally, it is very difficult to share it with another. I think J. picks up on this, and it creates a strain. Anyway, yes I agree with Jack completely. It's hard when one of the two partners is not recovery-oriented. She understands, for example, that I have a problem with marijuana; that is, if I smoke a single hit, I wind up smoking the entire bag. But she has no such problem; she enjoys it and can take it or leave it. This creates a strain, but only to the extent that she might not understand my need to get peer support around it; that is, support from others in recovery who have the same issues. I struggle with my pastor in the same way. Both N. and J. give me solutions that would make perfect sense if one were *not* an addict. It can occasionally be very depressing. I'm also similar to you in that when I move from one place to another (such as in your recent return home) there is a bigger transition gap than with most. I definitely would have a hard time adjusting to J.'s going back and forth between my place and Joyce's place, at will, without warning. So that's all what's on my mind this morning - and we really should Skype. It might be best to set a date and time. Thank you, by the way, for your support.
from musikoid :
You and I are cool. That was a while back, I forgot about it a day or two after we talked. I just feel badly if you've been depressed. I'm on Skype more these days, especially now that Echo dropped her phone in the toilet. Maybe we can connect over there.
from musikoid :
Hope you feel better soon. Glad you have Nemo.
from college-kid :
It is what it is. I can't force someone to develop feelings for me. Just didn't expect them to be so sure after only knowing me for a month, and only hanging out alone with me a handful of times. Oh well.
from college-kid :
I definitely appreciate the tips! It doesn't happen to me very often, but it does happen. Thankfully it has passed for now, but adding the iron rich foods did make a noticeable difference. :)
from musikoid :
:)
from musikoid :
Thanks, Emily. I'm better than I was this morning. Every day's new, in Christ.
from musikoid :
Whenever I feel like a loser or a failure (which is quite often, actually), I try to remind myself that God is not judging me according to my successes or failures, or according to my victories or defeats. His love embraces and encompasses all that, and it transcends our ideas about ourselves and whom we should be or become. All that said, if you can say a prayer for me, I'd appreciate it, because my sin is ever before me this morning, and even though I know I am forgiven, it is hard to forgive myself.
from college-kid :
Just getting up there is huge! I can't even imagine jumping off a 200ft drop. I have the idea that I would want to sky dive, but I don't think I would even make it to the plane! Kudos to you. You listened to your body and your limits and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. At least you tried! And it seems like you learned quite a bit. (:
from musikoid :
I liked your conclusion in the last paragraph of the entry about the BBQ. Not sure I should butt in, because it's hard to discern the exact dynamics of the interaction just from reading it, as from afar. But it seems that, while I can see how T Hubby's admission would make you not want to set foot over there again, it could also be taken as humility on his part. "Yeah, I guess I do (judge religious people)," might mean that he is open to seeing the ethical fallacy there. It seems to have been rendered with the tone of confession, which implies *some* humility. And from humility, there can be growth, and change of heart. HOWEVER I was not there and I don't know his tone. But I would definitely, as you conclude, not give up. You could be a great witness for Christ. Like in what you said about the anti-LGBT bias being off-base. I have parallel or corresponding discussions, for example, in the area of classism and social stigma in general, whenever someone seems to be coming from the preconception that Christianity favor those in White upper class America and so forth. American Christianity, or certainly *conspicuous, media-driven* American Christianity, has very little to do with the bulk of what the Bible teaches, on the whole. People very often get their impressions as to what the Bible says from hearsay, without having bothered to scour the book, as you and I both have, and see what it *actually says.* So, good for you for speaking up.
from college-kid :
That's terrible, I'm sorry you had to experience something like that. Sometimes people genuinely don't think how their words can impact others. I feel like everyone is entitled to believe what they want, but when it gets to the point of blatant disrespect/intolerance, that's what bothers me. I think you handled the situation well and with poise.
from college-kid :
Thanks so much! :)
from musikoid :
Congratulations on your weight loss. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your doctor. I'll be getting a new one, myself.
from musikoid :
That's what it is - a *visible* disability. I can sort of relate with homelessness (not that it's technically a "disability") in that there were times when my homelessness was very visible. At those times, well-meaning strangers would often drill me with questions, taking it upon themselves to try to understand, or perhaps help me, or try to point me in the right direction, and after a while, it really drove me nuts. I would find myself wishing we were talking about practically any other subject than homelessness. Part of it was that, I knew so much more about homelessness than they did, much of what they said was useless to me. Maybe that's how you feel when people approach you with regards to your being sight-impaired. You obviously know so much more about your condition than they do. It's a bit irksome that they would presume to make your their sort of Samaritan project for the day.
from musikoid :
I think it would be weird to always be questioned about my disability. I'm trying to think of a parallel. I guess down in California people in certain circles would often question me what my mental health diagnosis was, mostly on the bus in urban areas where it was pretty much assumed one wouldn't be riding the bus if they weren't disabled in some way. But it would be weird to be sight-impaired and always have people asking me about it everywhere I go. I never thought about that before.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note, the held back money’s getting paid Tuesday and the current rent hopefully on or near the 1st and I’ll be dealing with all tenant matters from now on, no more stepson as the middle man so there should be no more tension in the future.
from college-kid :
Definitely don't mind getting notes. :) And for the record, I'm agnostic. Don't know what's out there, but I think there is something. Just don't know what. (:
from college-kid :
I appreciate the encouragement. Some days are worse than others, yesterday just happened to be a particularly bad day. Hopefully it will get better with time.
from college-kid :
You'll be the first on the list. (:
from college-kid :
Totally understand the safe space concept. I consider diaryland my safe space, surprisingly. I think it's really the only one I have. You definitely shouldn't feel bad about that, and I wish your parents were more understanding. One thing I've learned over the past month is not everyone can give you and eloquent explanation and really, that should be okay.
from musikoid :
Hi, thanks for your notes. I do understand that some people need their medication, I just meant that I feel for her having to depend on them and not being able to obtain them readily. She does have four of the five meds she has to take, just not one of them, but it's the one that seems to keep her chipper.
from college-kid :
Thank you so much for the kind note. Diaryland has and likely always will be a safe haven for me. I go through periods where I stop writing, too, but I always come back. I read through a few of your back entries and plan to keep reading. Thanks so much for sharing your story. :)
from musikoid :
Wow, you've been writing a lot lately. I don't know when I will be able to catch up.
from musikoid :
Good luck with your friend who queried about your Christianity. It's probably just the usual, but I'm sure you are prepared.
from musikoid :
Holly definitely wants to talk with you. She could use a friend too. I'm not sure why she doesn't have more good friends besides me, because she's a completely nice, responsible, honest person, good sense of humor. I think she's more extroverted, and my experience with extroverts is they tend not to make as deep or lasting friendships as introverts, though there are way more people in their lives. But that's only my experience. Hope you guys can be friends.
from musikoid :
My friend Holly might contact you or leave a note for you. I didn't exactly ask her to, but reading your last couple entries, something made me show them to her and she might want to. You and she remind me of each other in a way. Not being a matchmaker or anything like that -- but it was just a thought I had. I sent you an email.
from musikoid :
I'll try to get to your past entries, I just am very disorganized. I have difficulty reintegrating into the mainstream after all these years, and things like making lists don't come easy to me. Last time I tried it was going great until I lost the sheet of paper that I made the list on. If that doesn't happen, I lost the pen, or it runs out of ink. It's a big issue these days that I can't keep track of my stuff anymore. Maybe just making the mental note is the best I can do, then I'll get to things when it crosses my mind, if I don't have some other thing I'm supposed to do at that moment. In conclusion, I'm getting old.
from musikoid :
I just read "Beautiful Let Downs." It was very beautifully written. I liked the metaphor of the big screen in the last sentence. It sounds as though you got out of something before its toxicity became deadly. Best to get out of those kinds of things early on. Of course, I don't know the details, nor much about the outs with Music Man. I only have thought him to be somewhat insecure in his clinging to you. Maybe you need to make new friends? Hard to see from here. Glad you got the doctor's clearance to go bungee jumping.
from musikoid :
OK cool. My friend Danielle is also 32 years old (I think that's your age, give or take a year?), and I even worry about her when she's driving to work in the mornings calling me on her cell phone. I think I must have an intensified father-function going on somewhere in my chromosomes right now.
from musikoid :
I didn't mean to be overly fatherly. I'm getting old enough that I start to worry about the "youngsters" when they want to go sky diving or bungee jumping. I do realize (as my daughter your age sometimes has to remind me) that you *are* a grown woman. :)
from musikoid :
Great on the weight loss! Ten pounds is ten pounds. Sorry about your flu. I do believe stress can cause that. Um, maybe not just getting a doctor's check, but talk with your pastor (?) or church contact person and pray before doing something like bungie jumping, same would go with sky diving, anything of a risky nature. Just - from an older here. :)
from musikoid :
Thanks, Illusionless. That's a good way of putting it.
from musikoid :
Yes. I believe you'll get past it. The mistake you made was not intentional, and she knows this. After she has sufficient space, you'll be able to talk it out and the relationship will be strengthened.
from musikoid :
I agree with your three friends.
from peggypenny :
read by random your diary. Read 'crushed' about God not accepting lesbians. I was so busy reading about Abraham marrying a second younger wife to give him a son, but then when his 1st wife gets pregnant against all odds, Abraham casts the young wife and the child into the desert. Just throws her and the kid away to evolve ...to be accepted as Mohammad. Your Love and who you love will evolve too ... to be accepted. There is not forgiveness to love for it is the absolute.
from musikoid :
It's just, not having fully recovered from the flu, but I went out and pushed myself. It's mostly just a cough and lethargy, I should be okay by tomorrow.
from musikoid :
You're going to be okay. I've been praying. Hang in there. Sometimes the reason we feel like a failure is because our own plans which we thought so sure were best for us are not the plans God has in my mind. But maybe He has them in mind for us, but later once certain ducks are in line. Always whatever He has planned for us right now is best for us right now, even when it doesn't look that way. You are not a failure. From where I sit, you have made amazing strides -- strikingly so, in the four or five years from when we lost touch, up until now. Romans 5:5. 1 Corinthians 13:13. He loves you. And I love you. Hang in there, sister.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Illusionless. :)
from musikoid :
Yeah. Well I hope she can at least somehow afford to replace the cell phone, just because it's so essential, plus it helps me to stay connected with her. She and I were talking twice a day on it, and I knew something was wrong when everything stopped suddenly and she didn't answer my text. About the paths, I know what you mean. It's not really a conflict with Christianity to think like that because part of love (in my opinion) is allowing other people the right to believe what they believe, even if we believe that what they believe is wrong. This why the thrust of some of the right-wing fundamentalism is so far off-base. As Christians, we're not supposed to *enforce* our beliefs on others. We're only supposed to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." (1 Peter 3:15) Also: "But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." (3:16) I think the keywords there are "gentleness and respect." People are drawn subtly toward that which shines -- not toward that which glares.
from musikoid :
:)
from musikoid :
Maybe the narrow gate *is* being true to oneself, and the reason "few there be that find it" is because most people don't bother even looking, they only blindly do what they're told.
from musikoid :
You're right about putting specific things in specific places. I used to put a nail on the wall and hang my keys up there, because it became easy to find the keys that way. Even now, I lose the keys less than some of the other items, because I keep them in a specific place, at the foot of my desk lamp which is by my bedside. But the problem is, I pick up the keys, then look for something else, and in the process of looking for something else, I unconsciously put the keys down somewhere, and then I have to look for the keys. This happens with all items, but usually not at the severity as the way it happened yesterday. Yesterday was by *far* the worst, which was what prompted me to spell out the whole thing like that. I got so uptight that sometimes I forgot which item I was looking for. It made me seriously question whether or not my mental faculties may be coming to an end in my old age. But the Spirit filled the room after I did what Erika suggested, and I had great peace as I went to bed last night. And slept unusually well, as my gratitude list for February 15th conveys. Thanks for your wisdom - have a blessed day.
from musikoid :
Yes, that makes sense. I also try to avoid black-and-white decisions, especially when it comes to human relationships. Sometimes you need to take a breather, however.
from dangerspouse :
I agree with musikoid.
from musikoid :
It's hard to discern from the distance like this, but he just seems to be very insecure, and when people reach a certain stage of insecurity, it makes their friends uncomfortable. Anyway, you did what you felt you needed to do, and you were courteous and communicative. Hopefully things will work out and your friendship will be strengthened in the future - if that's meant to be.
from dangerspouse :
Hey kiddo, thanks for the sweet, sensitive note at my place. It was much appreciated :)
from musikoid :
No, you didn't offend me. It's amazing how hard it can sometimes be, however, just to start in on doing something. Often, it's because I don't have the confidence that I can do it well, or do it justice. But one never knows unless one tries. And anyway, no your feedback did not seem offensive or harsh.
from musikoid :
Yes, I know. This is always best - just to do the thing you're postponing, even though you don't have the motivation to do it. The motivation will come as you begin to do it, not the other way around. That would be the same with cleaning the house or with Writing. They always tell us in these writers guilds to "just do it" -- to just write, and not wait. It's hard to put pen to paper when you don't trust that you can come up with any decent words. But that's all part of it as well -- learning to trust. Seems to take a lot of reversing of old behaviors.
from dangerspouse :
Wow, you poor thing! I hope that cream helps when you finally pick it up tomorrow. All the best!!
from musikoid :
Oh, I see, it's right on the top there. Congratulations.
from musikoid :
I must have missed the DJ thing in the longer entry with all the positives. I don't always catch everything, just a poor reader, or -- i don't have patience with myself when trying to read things. + It's way less expensive to buy groceries than to eat out, and it's something I struggle with myself, mostly because the grocery store is miles away, and the weather is often inclement, and I don't drive. The options for fast food and take out are right nearby. So it takes more work, in my case, to get to the grocery store. Three months ago I succeeded by making one huge trip and taking a cab back. Added ten bucks to two hundred bucks but big deal. It's interesting that those two prices were so close together, as though to inform you. God is funny that way sometimes, like with the "signals" about my ex wife.
from dangerspouse :
Hey hey, great job nailing the DJ gig! Don't worry if no one came, at least you have it under your belt and know you can do it now. I'm glad you're happy in so many things right now. I hope it lasts :)
from musikoid :
I don't know of any tests, I meant to say. That's not to say that there isn't one.
from musikoid :
I don't know of any tests, I meant to say. That's not to say that there isn't one.
from musikoid :
Well, I think we all fall prey to that effect to one degree or another, or at least to its "corollary" as described in the following article: https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-Dunning-Kruger-Effect - I think whoever wrote that describes it a bit better than I did in my entry. My experience with you personally, however, is that you have a pretty realistic view of your own intelligence, neither overblown nor underestimated. As to whether you think others might be more intelligent than they really are (that's the corollary), I cannot say.
from dangerspouse :
Good luck, Uncle A. I hope he pulls through.
from musikoid :
I'll echo that prayer for your uncle. Thanks for posting this.
from musikoid :
To your second note, one of the things that was sparked has to do with opening up the Book at random. Every word of God is pure, and the Bible, though it can certainly be read "cover to cover" is not a work whose use depends on a cover to cover reading (like a novel), but on continued application of it, turning through passage after passage, studying cross-references, and landing at a passage that strikes a chord within you. This can sometimes happen "at random" in an instant, but it also can happen after a twenty minute search, or even a two hour or two day search, before the Lord speaks to you. So it's a danger to *assume* that the first words you encounter will *always* be indicative of His specific will for you at that moment (though I don't believe you assumed this) but in all cases, it's a very good place to start if you want to hear His voice. Then of course in the more critical issues, such as making a geographical move, it's always best to pray a lot as well, and to consult with other believers and maybe a pastor at your church. This is the threefold confirmation discussed in 1 John 5. These anyway are my other thoughts, off the top.
from musikoid :
Interesting. My mother was devout Roman Catholic and my dad was an agnostic, though his grandfather had been a pastor and his mother the church organist at a Protestant church. They made the two boys go to church but did not go to church themselves, because my Dad wouldn't let my Mom go to church, but she insisted the boys had to. Of the two boys, my brother never took it seriously, and I was hyper-religious from the start. It's funny what concessions are made in families and relationships with regards to religious liberty and practice.
from dangerspouse :
Hey, thanks very much for stopping by and casting your vote in the Great Sunrise Photography Debate! Lol...I know what you mean, I prefer 'au natural' myself also usually, and this one is no exception. (Hey, good luck with the DJ gig! If you ever wanna talk radio (performance tips, the business end, tech stuff) drop me a line. If nothing else, I'd be curious to hear an aircheck. All the best! :)
from musikoid :
Several things about your "signs" entry have resonated with me. Selecting one, the matter of having an unbelieving partner or spouse is a tough one for me as well. I might be on the verge of a relationship with a lady whom I really feel sympatico with, plus she's 49 years old, so the age difference isn't so bad (which is something one concerns oneself about the older one gets.) But she's not only not a Christian but is actually New Age in her spirituality. It almost seems the only significant barrier. I can tell myself she's more open and less New Agey than most in that paradigm, but I would hate to think she likes me because I seem "less Christian than most." It's a hard one for us all, when it comes to the significant other.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Illusionless. Funny how in your case, the acquisition of a stronger support group has meant moving closer to family, whereas in my case, it has meant moving far, far away from them. Not that I wanted it this way. I still wish for my brother and my daughter to be here, where life is better all way round. But they would have to make that choice for themselves, and to each their own. Maybe Berkeley is good for them -- but it's hard for me to see it that way, when they drink so much as they do. + On another note, if you want to pray for me, my doctor's appointment on the ADHD treatment will be at 12 noon (Pacific Standard Time) on Wednesday. God bless.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Illusionless. Your note meant something to me. I *am* one of the lucky ones -- and the flip side of that is that it increases my overall responsibility. "To whom much is given, much is expected." -- Jesus
from musikoid :
I think your asserting your independence is crucial to health, even if in proximity to family. I often had a hard time with my brother and sister sort of seeing me according to my disability, as though my disability defined me to the point at which independence was no longer my right or privilege. My father was the same way when he was still alive, and I always felt stifled trying to prove myself to them, and hindered that my strengths were not being acknowledged or honored. You seem to be coming to a healthy sense of self much earlier in life than I ever began to ponder such things, because I was always living in the shadow image of my siblings and my dad. I also know how good it feels to solve a problem independently and know the fulfillment of not having to depend upon well-meaning assistance from a family member. I think you are doing really well.
from moonbeams :
*not afraid
from moonbeams :
Hi Ilusionless! Thank you for the nice note! I stopped by to catch up on a few of your past entries and I got just to the surface of some of the angst of you've been dealing with over the years. I'm sorry you've been harassed by some of the users on D-land. People do not have the right to force their ideas on each other. After all, God Himself gifted us with free will. We are free to choose who to follow and how we want to live our lives. So please don't let anyone intimidate you from journaling. Psalm 56:3-4. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you, God, whose word I praise. In God I trust and am to afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?
from musikoid :
Yeah I know. Hopefully he'll get around to it, but I'm tired of pestering him. I've been asking him to enable me to change my log-in password for over two years now, and his dissing me on the matter is beyond disrespect. Anyway, I will keep composing entries here while slowly trying to accomplish my "housecleaning," and probably make a comeback at some future date. As I told i-am-jack, the benefits of journaling are not something I want to rid myself of. I just have to find the right platform. I'm healthier now than I was four months ago, and hopefully on my return I'll be healthier still. Thanks, Illusionless, for your support.
from musikoid :
I mean the log on password, not the lock/unlock feature. Doesn't work on any browser irrespective of cookie clearing. I get an error message that reads "Not Found. The requested URL /edit/changepassword.pl.phtml was not found on this server."
from musikoid :
I don't know whether I'll leave or not. I am pretty sure God doesn't want me here, but having written on DiaryLand since Christmas Day of 2002 under one name or another practically every day, it's just a hard habit to break. I need to figure out something to replace it with; and in my case, keeping an offline diary is probably the solution. I do want to ask if you have difficulty changing your log on password as well, because my paranoia is telling me that Andrew's out to get me. I know he says he's working on everything, but it's just a little too weird that he *never* answers my request, now or at any earlier time. It bothers me. People at the Berkeley City library, homeless guys, would look over my shoulder while I was writing in my diary and didn't have a computer. People I didn't even know would walk up to me outside of McDonald's and say: "Dear Diary!" in a mocking way. I was so automatic about logging onto DiaryLand, even when I did have a laptop and was sitting in a Starbucks, that when I would do so, a couple guys would see me, and they would look at each other, and grin, and laugh. These are people who are in and out of jail so often, I might like them personally, but they're not to be trusted. So that's part of it. Plus I have some friends I just simply don't trust, when I really stop to think about it. I hope I become strong enough, and wise enough, to make the right choice, and to stick with it. I know you're in my corner, sister. Thanks for your note.
from musikoid :
That sounds wise of them.
from musikoid :
What a trip -- all three in a row. So that's something you've known all your life - the three consecutive special days -
from musikoid :
Just got your last two entries. Sorry you fell sick. So you're dad is -- let me see if I have this right -- twice your age now, and your birthdays are -- one day apart? Happy birthday, by the way...
from dangerspouse :
I'm sorry you're so sick on your birthday. I hope it passes quickly, and you're able to eat that cake before it goes bad :)
from musikoid :
Merry Christmas, dear friend. :)
from musikoid :
Maybe not exactly "mislead." Although I tried to clarify I wasn't thinking specifically in terms of romantic love when I get that "spark," more often than not it devolves to a wish for romance. And I really am no expert or authority on such matters. My experience is that when I follow my heart exclusively without pausing to consider the possible consequences, it might make for beautiful fiction, but not for very beautiful "non-fiction," if you know what I mean. Thanks for reading, and for your note.
from musikoid :
Ooops, I glossed over the part about pronoia. Yeah, it's a cool concept. At the very least, its a lot better than paranoia. I wanted to say that there's also a book by a Englishman, you can find it on Amazon. I recommended it to my therapist, and he told me last time he's been reading it. Pretty long book, with case studies, very interesting. Tata.
from musikoid :
Well - the spark or intuition might have nothing to do with romance. I meant the feeling that someone you meet is going to be special or important in some way, romantic or otherwise. I've had that happen to me before and it has panned out into reality. But "falling in love" is more often than not just a trick our hearts are playing on us. I don't believe this phenomenon originated in cinema, but is age-old. Anyway, just wanted to clarify. I must have read the first entry wrong, and seen something opposite. I thought you wrote "still no girlfriend." But I'm a poor reader, I probably just did something dyslexic. Have a good week.
from musikoid :
I read that you have a girlfriend now in an earlier entry, but I seem to remember that when you first came back, you did not. At least that's what I thought I read. In any case, I'm glad you've found someone with whom you seem to be simpatico, and of course I agree it's best to take things slow. It sounds like you are communicating with each other well and honoring each other's sensibilities, both of which are very good signs. I don't think I believe in "love at first sight" either. Nine times out of ten it's just a trick your heart is playing on you due to unfulfilled desires and wishful thinking. I do believe that something sometimes happens at first sight that is not necessarily only lust or infatuation. Something of an intuition or a spark, an immediate sense that this is going to be an important person in your life. Whether that turns into romantic love or something else is a different story, but I believe it does happen. You sound good Emily and I am glad we are friends here again.
from musikoid :
I'm glad you wrote, and thank for the kind reminders of the blessings I ordinarily so enjoy, the things that help make me feel thankful and optimistic -- the things that stem from the Love of God. It was a kind of a weird thing between me and Danielle, but we talked it out a few hours later and I became all right. I'm sure she's all right too. We know each other very well, but basically she's a "thinking" type (INTJ) and I'm a "feeling" type (INFJ) to put it in pseudo-Jungian terms. What works for a depressed "thinking" type does not necessarily work for a depressed "feeling" type -- and God knows this. He has His own ways of comforting each of us according to the individual uniqueness of our God-given hearts. So eventually He did do that. Praise His Name.
from musikoid :
Your friend Music Man seems very insecure.
from musikoid :
Sorry it took so long to respond to your note. Then I saw you had updated, so I read your entry first. It sounds like you are doing well, despite whatever turbulence you report. You seem to be managing well these days. To your note, I was just about to write again, because I'm finally less uptight about it all. I think what you said about dividing the larger task into smaller, more manageable portions is key. Recognizing the size of the task for what it's worth, and working accordingly. I slow down when I size it up like that, and take it in little pieces. That's better done spread over a period of time -- in accordance with the size of the task. So that's what I'm starting to do, and it's better.
from musikoid :
Oh! Thanks Emily. I just saw your note. I am actually going through weird stuff in my head this morning, and I wrote again. The good news is that it really is all in my head.
from musikoid :
Pretty well. A little slow getting going this morning. Yes, the research shows.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Emily. There may be some other possible jobs around, too. I just finished reading your long, scholarly entry. You really put a lot of work into it. It was well-researched and persuasive, and it covered all the bases. Well done.
from musikoid :
I've noticed when I look through the advertisements for jobs that more than half of them seem to require a driver license. I applied for a city job in the city hall downtown that only needs a fast typing speed and good customer relation skills, and I guess some heavy lifting is involved. So I might get it, but you never know. I hope you can get a job soon that you will enjoy.
from musikoid :
Hey Emily, thanks for your note - and for believing in me. I believe in you, too. And I think you're right about God's love. It would seem sometimes that He shouldn't bother with somebody like me, as though it would be pointless, or a waste of His energy. But because His love is so unfathomable, and so infinitely more compassionate than our own, He does invest quite a bit in the welfare of His children. I think it's important to bear that in mind.
from cloudy-night :
I'm glad to hear that you see the light in spite of the darkness. I hope that you are able to do everything that makes you happy.
from musikoid :
:)
from musikoid :
I believe what the crisis worker said about combining your creativity and your emotions is very wise.
from musikoid :
I'm relieved to have heard from you. And I just want to let you know that I have those moments too, when I take myself and my own expectations much too seriously. It often turns out that those are the exact times when God has something better in store for me than anything I'd have envisioned on my own. I hope your evening is pleasant tonight. Be kind to yourself. You're worth it.
from musikoid :
It's not pathetic Emily, but when you start to talk about suicide it is concerning. You are worth far more than that in God's eyes. Also, about the quote, there are people who are "counterexamples" in life, but you are not one of them. Nobody thinks: "At least I'm not like Emily." Your life actually *inspires* people. I've known you for a long time, and one thing about you is that you take yourself, and life, very seriously -- sometimes *too* seriously. Think about the chuckle you got when God arranged for your expenditure to be the exact figure you had budgeted. Maybe He also is suggesting that you don't take yourself, and life, so seriously. You were able to see the humor there, and I am sure you can see it elsewhere if you look. There are people who don't take enough things seriously, but you are not one of them. I am sure that as you lighten up on yourself, good things will come your way.
from musikoid :
That's cool that it came out exactly as to budget. That happened to me at the grocery store with a $40 gift card a few months ago. I love it when things like that happen. It's like a sign that you're on the right track.
from musikoid :
Thanks Emily. I really appreciate your encouragement. I have to say that I owe it largely to the much stronger support group I have up here these days, of truly loving people, as opposed to what was going on down there. Things just seemed to get worse every year, and coming up to my birth city was like being reborn. My church, the recovery center, therapist, doctor, cafe, writers guild -- it's a whole new world now, and I have hope once again.
from musikoid :
Sorry, I inadvertently hit the "done" button before I finished editing. I meant to write: "I don't think many Christians read Romans 1:18 to 2:1 very carefully before deciding that gay people are condemned." The situation described refers to a mass orgiastic situation also involving many forms of debauchery, not to a responsible monogamous relationship, nor the natural search for such. People who are opposed to LGBT rights due to some form of prejudice are always looking for some form of justification for their bigotry. I think Galatians 3:28 says it all. God bless you.
from musikoid :
I just finished reading your entry. It was very honest and well-written. I am glad you are faithful in your Christian walk. I agree with you on #2, and I don't think many Christians read Romans 1:16 to 2:1 before deciding that gay people are condemned. Besides, they're not God, and only He is in the position to judge. I hope you stick around.
from musikoid :
Let me know if you want my password. It's nice to see you again.
from cloudy-night :
Hey Em, welcome back!
from enurta :
I love yooooooooooooooooooooooou. I love yooooooooooooooooooooooou.
from cloudy-night :
Right on, right on!
from koorikaze :
No need to apologize, dear one. I plan to email you very soon. ^_^
from in19seconds :
I've missed reading your diary and keeping up with your life. I was actually - now that I have a new computer - about to ask you for your password so that I could catch up with what I've missed over the years. I'm sad to see you go, but I understand. I read a few of the note entries out of curiosity. (I've always been accused of being like a cat.) I'm not going to comment on what the two have them have written because what they've said means nothing to me and is irrelevant in the overall scheme of things. What is relevant to me is the fact that you are an amazing person with a lot to offer this world... someone who leaves a lasting impression on many people. And you will be dearly missed by those of us you have touched positively over the years. Take care of you, and don't ever let anybody tell you who to be, how to act, or what to do. You're doing great being you - and that's all that matters.
from writergrrl88 :
12-step is a cult -- you just need to drink more.
from ogawa :
great news! will you get a 'sponsor' too? or is that only for drug-addiction? <3
from ogawa :
I hope the meeting goes well! good luck, hun :) *hugs*
from musikoid :
Thanks for your Note. It was incredibly scary. I almost lost a kidney. And all that fear. I never realized that all those guns they all had were only hallucinations. There were all kinds of other hallucinations too. Maybe we can Skype later. I just took my nightly medication they gave me, and I feel somewhat more calm. But I am going in and out of faith, and very depressed, and disappointed in myself.
from musikoid :
I wish I had never met any of those guys, and the only people I knew in the neighborhood were A.G. and the guys at the church. It's just that, when things happen like I lock myself out of the cottage, or else my bicycle chain breaks (which it broke again) -- where do I go for help? Those guys are right there. I have to discipline myself to be patient and wait until somebody more trustworthy can come by and fix things. I also have to never smoke any marijuana anymore, because it was when I smoked marijuana that my mind began to wander from the love of the church and of Christ.
from koorikaze :
Thank you for the encouraging note. I'm finally out of the darkness, so to speak. I'm glad to have friends like you on my side. ^_^ And as a side note, I've tried your username/password combination and still can't get in to read. Would you mind emailing that information to me?
from ogawa :
i like ur attitude :)
from musikoid :
I read the "What Do I Do?" entry again, and one thing that crossed my mind was to ask how old your Dad is now. He might be getting lonely and he wants to be closer to his daughter. This happens with age, but it shouldn't be the determining factor for you. Some young women your age do not even talk to their dads. Many of my daughter's friends have completely disowned both their parents. So I'm thinking that maybe he is missing you, but that you don't have to leave Ottawa to have increased contact with him. Maybe if you just talk to him, like say, twice as frequently, it will go a long way with him.
from musikoid :
It's possible I might leave a second note after this one, because I stopped midway through your entry when I had this thought. It seems that you and I are similar in some ways. We both actually have a lot of "friends" -- that is, we know a lot of people. Not all of them are true friends -- but some are. Some of them are only "acquaintances." Where we get screwed up is that we *think* they are friends; in other words, more than acquaintances; and so we come to expect them to behave as friends will behave toward us: with commitment, loyalty, concern, and so forth. But they don't. This is because they are not true friends. The more we expect them to behave as friends, the more we will be let down. Now, perhaps I err in speaking for the both of us like this -- but it does seem a common thread. I think that maybe if you could sift through all the many people you know in your mind, both from online and offline, and ask yourselves which of them are truly faithful, are always there for you when they can be, are loyal, are committed to the friendship, are truly concerned with your well-being; then you might find out who your true friends are. I am almost certain there must be some -- though I don't know who. Anyway, that's my thought. A lot of the times, we simply don't like to see somebody as only an "acquaintance" when in fact, *we* regard them as a friend, and *we* would be loyal and faithful and concerned when it comes to them. But if that is not reciprocated, then let's face it: they are not really friends. Therefore, we cannot expect them to *act* like friends. "Expectations are only resentments under construction." If we have that expectation, invariably it will not be met, and we will be let down, and we will become resentful and bitter. Eventually, we will want to take out the resentment on us ourselves -- which is self-destructive and of no value to anyone, let alone ourselves, and let alone our *true friends* who do exist, and who actually care about us very deeply. So maybe you/I might do well to make a list of all the people we know, and ask ourselves: (1) Are they loyal? (2) Are they trustworthy? (3) Are they committed to the friendship? (4) Are they faithful? & (5) Do they care? Those are the true friends. They say, if you can count them on one hand, you are blessed.
from cheshireyang :
lovely journal. xoxo
from musikoid :
I was thinking about this. Maybe rather than continue to try to get your present group of friends together, try instead to find a new group of friends based on a healthy common interest. It seems like your old friends are all drug addicts or alcoholics. If you can think of some healthy interest you have or would like to have, go onto MeetUp and see if there are MeetUp groups about it. Or, just go to meetup.com and look around. I found a group of runners that way one time, and a writer's group. I actually worry about my old friends sometimes too, especially now that I am so into the church. My old friends always ridicule me, and they don't let me change or grow. They want me to be the old Andy who was always entertaining and bumbling but whom they could feel superior than, in basic ways. I get tired of being put down and ridiculed, and maybe it is time to make new friends.
from ogawa :
oh no!! *hugs tight* please don't even consider to OD.....if you do that, there is not turning back! your friends love you, they are just busy, I don't think they ignore you on purpose. can't you tell them how it makes you feel when they cancel on your plans and stuff? I dunno how close you all are but, please, do not harm yourself or OD. you are a beautiful and strong person, I *KNOW* that, and I *KNOW* your family and friends love you to death and think you are awesome. you are not a loser. do you know what's pathetic? people who are addicted to drugs. they are weak and pathetic. at least the people who enjoy it. they are losers. fuck 'em! fuck it! you are so precious sweetie, we love you. don't do anything irreversible. please don't....<3 <3 <3 if you want to talk more private, send me a message on facebook. *hugs*
from musikoid :
I think it is just the opposite. N.A. and A.A. never work, the hospitals never work, and the Christian church will work, if it is the right church composed of good and loving brothers in Christ, who believe the Bible the same way I do. This is the church that I have now, and it will work, because God will bless it to do so, after when I told them to please give me a chance to show that I am a brother in Christ and a Bible-believing Christian who knows and loves the Lord, before just putting me into the 12-Step program or any kind of secular institution, where they do not know the Lord, and where I am unable to grow in Christ as a result. Give me a chance to grow here in Christ, and show you what I am made of when I am not under inordinate influence of a program, agency, facility, or institution. They said right on, and I believe I will have the Lord's blessing if I stick it out here. This church is what I need.
from razor-vixen :
Just ignore her. She's not worth your time. I know you can succeed! I have faith in your, and you can have faith in yourself too!!
from ogawa :
keeping my fingers crossed 4 you! you can do it :) but don't feel pressured, you are doing this for YOU and no one else. if you can't do it, fuck it. at least you tried. and also, u have your whole life in front of you. there will be plently of opportunities. <3
from ogawa :
don't worry hun, we both know the truth. she is welcome to leave as many notes as she wants. i won't even read them. only delete ;) have u heard anything new about the job? <3
from writergrrl88 :
I see from the comments that you're thinking about working. Just remember -- you'll fail, as always, and everyone will mock you. Then, your whole family will know that you'll never be anything at all.
from ogawa :
2000*
from ogawa :
glad you're feeling better but be careful, dieting can easily become an ED if you're not careful. eating 1000 calories is half of what you need. a normal person needs 200 cals a day to function. so i hope this 1000 calorie diet you're on won't last for long. take care of urself :) and good luck with the job, you are so brave.
from ogawa :
yeah V wrote that entry...
from razor-vixen :
Good luck with the job! YOu can do this! The first time is always the most difficult. You might be nervous for an interview as well, but you can do that too!
from razor-vixen :
You could try myfitnesspal.com. It's a free site with great food tracking. 1000 cals is very low; check what your BMR is (basal metabolic rate) to see just how much you need to eat if you were going to lay in bed all day. www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/ is a good site. It will also help you to calculate how much to eat to lose x amount of lbs a week. Good luck!
from musikoid :
Well yes. And I think it's important for us to ask that question -- especially at certain key junctures, such as before or after a major relocation -- just to be sure we aren't way off track. Thanks for your support, sister.
from razor-vixen :
Glad you are feeling better. Take it easy....try not to let the darkness suck you down. Thanks for the birthday wishes!
from musikoid :
You're kind of like me in terms of the ups and downs that you experience internally. Yet, whenever somebody actually *talks* to me, I always seem to come across just about the same. People tell me that, no matter what space I *claim* to be in -- I always seem really steady. You're like that too. Every time I actually *talk* to you, you sound upbeat and vibrant. Maybe this is a trait that can be used to your advantage somehow? Just a thought...love you, sister!
from cloudy-night :
I think you should opt out. Your memories of school were pleasant and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to taint them by doing such a thing. I'm pretty sure the lawsuit will continue if you opt out. Money doesn't equal happiness and if you got money due to someone's else suffering, it wouldn't be right. However, you did hear the things that the staff said and so did a lot of other students. Did that bother you? Did it effect the way you acted or performed in school? If not, then it wouldn't be right to get involved in it. Just my opinion. You make the choice that you feel is best, I'm with you one-hundred percent.
from ogawa :
I don't think you should be part of the law-suit...considering everything. but the choice is yours. that's my two cents anyway. like you wrote, you have plenty of time to think about it. is there any option to *not* choose a side?
from writergrrl88 :
I hope karma comes back to you for being such a cold-hearted bitch -- I guess you are a woman through and through, because it was a classic catty-bitch maneuver to decide that if someone disagrees with you they aren't worth your time.
from atwowaydream :
Send me your new password, love? inlethaldoses@aol.com, if you're comfortable with doing so.
from musikoid :
Hey - just re-read your Note about my sister. Right on - that's EXACTLY what she's doing. She loves me *so* much, and she's sees me suffering *so* much -- that she can't take it. Unfortunately, her response makes her out to be just the opposite. But that's very elucidating -- and thank you for that insight.
from ogawa :
you have been eating less for a while now to try to lose a little weight, right? that could be the cause. when i diet, my period gets weird, it can come too early or be a little late. so don't worry, it's nothing serious. are u on the pill? cause that could make things weird sometimes. don't worry hun, it's probably nothing...<3
from musikoid :
Maybe we can Skype at some point.
from musikoid :
I'm back to normal mow. That was hard.
from ogawa :
Hey, you! its good to wonder about stuff, but dont let it make you feel disappointedyou are who you are for a reason, and God wants it this way. I think every little choice molds you as a person, so of course you would have been different if you mom had let you do what you wanted to do (in this case, karate). But it doesnt mean your life would have been better if she had let you do it, I often think in that way, that my life would have been better if this and had been different, but youll go bonkers if you think that way..<3
from musikoid :
Well, the thing is this. Not just your readers, but ALL DIARYLAND READERS, ought to simply be directed to look at the Notes that Jade left for me, you, koorikaze, and ogawa -- and clearly she left the same exact note for all these people, changing only one word in each note, that being the usernames. That right there invalidates her whole trip. So let's all leave those notes up. Jade hasn't put shame or dishonor on any of us, in any believable way. She has only put obvious shame and dishonor upon her own self. So let's keep it that way -- it's beautiful. These notes prove thst it's Jade's problem being illustrated here, having nothing to do with our own. + I liked all your resolutioons, especially the fifth. God bless.
from illusionless :
I trust that my current and future readers will have enough common sense to know that isn't true. All they would have to do is read the notes you've left to know that you're nothing but a stupid troll.
from ogawa :
it's such a relief to read about all the happy stuff! :) *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
Open Note to Other Users: This Diaryland journal is written by an unstable, unkind, and unreasonable person. Pursue friendship and/or readership knowing illusionless may suddenly turn on you at any time and start saying unkind things.
from writergrrl88 :
It certainly speaks to your character (and Enurta's) that you think being unkind is the best way to treat someone who is depressed. But thank you for adding to my reasons to hate the world.
from musikoid :
I'm glad you liked "Christmas on the Streets." I had misgivings about both talks, and I deleted them. But maybe I should keep "Christmas on the Streets." During the second talk, I was kind of giddy, and I shouted a lot, distorting the levels. Also got tongue-tied a lot. I think I might do that one over again, being calmer now than when I first arrived. Thanks for reading & listening, and for your Note. :)
from writergrrl88 :
I do hope you'll give me the new password -- I've definitely been supportive, and I think it's rather unkind to just shut someone out without an explanation.
from musikoid :
"I decided to relax and let God take care of things." I think this is a very important decision, and one that you and I both have a hard time making. It might be an "INFJ" thing -- not sure. I also scored lowest on relaxation among Enneagram type preferences. But anyhoo -- I'm in Stockton now - I'll write soon. It's been an emotional sensation, and I'm not sure I can quite think logically - for happiness. :) HAPPY NEW YEAR!
from writergrrl88 :
Happy Birthday!!!
from cloudy-night :
Happy Belated Birthday!!! I truly hope that you had a good time and I'm glad that you and your step-dad cleared the air. Sometimes people misread things and it causes all kind of problems. Good to know things worked out! Also hope that you and your Dad have a great time at the party.
from writergrrl88 :
Not until you stop being deluded about the world and realize how you should just give up on anything ever being okay.
from cloudy-night :
I hope that you had a great Christmas.
from writergrrl88 :
You should not have accepted her apology. You should have told her she ruined your holiday, and then cut, and then showed her your self-harm so she'd feel horrible about it. Then, she'd never be controlling toward you again.
from musikoid :
Oh - I just now got your Note. Yeah - thanks for listening to that 3rd talk. I listened to it again myself, and I think that in some ways, it's the best of the three. It feels as though I'm warming up. If I can proceed quickly and not lose my momentum from here, it might be best. Thanks again -
from musikoid :
Sounds like you had a great time with your Dad, and a nice Christmas visit with folks in general. Merry Christmas -
from ogawa :
thank you for the note :) I'm glad you had fun with your dad. that's great. anyway, Merry Christmas! make sure to enjoy yourself <3
from cloudy-night :
Wow, I'm feeling homesick too. However, I miss all my family and friends back home.
from writergrrl88 :
How can I find you to add you on FB?
from musikoid :
I tried adding you on Facebook but couldn't find you.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your Note. I agree that I need to leave Berkeley soon. But here I can at least fly my sign for the rest of the month and get pocket change. I stashed the quilt and pillow pretty well. It really was amazing -- I had gotten a little "soft" from being inside nearly three weeks, and for it to be below freezing on the first night without a blanket might have done me in. As it was, I slept like a baby - so God truly does provide.
from ogawa :
<3
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note. The message came out really nice. I sounded like a different person than the last time he got a message from me, and even much more relaxed than I almost ever am. It's passed since then, but it was the period of sweet Holy Spirit conviction that somehow had informed, and yet transformed, my depression.
from koorikaze :
Thank you for the kind note and prayer. I'm better but still have a long way to recovery. It's friends like you (and the others, of course) that help me to hang on.
from musikoid :
Thanks again -- I enjoy getting lengthy notes from you (and others, too.) I think it was me who said that -- or something like that - at some point. I certainly don't have the answers, but I'd be a liar not to admit that it's difficult to get through the Old Testament without characterizing God as a detached sadist without a clue as to how his various punishments are really affecting humankind. However, He knows a lot more than we do; and had He not rendered such disciplines to His people, maybe things would be even worse now than they are. Sin came into the world, and He had to do something about it -- so He sent His son to pay the price for the sins of humanity. When we also consider that the Son is an aspect of the Father, and we grasp the huge act of responsibility and self-sacrifice that God endured in order to save us from the just penalty for our sins, then it no longer appears that God is sadistic, but rather that He epitomizes the perfect ideal of self-sacrificial, unconditional love.
from musikoid :
Hey thanks for your Note. I'd been wondering about you, since it had been a while, but then I got your email today, which was also cool. I really *am* feeling better now, and I'm about to update again. I was in a surly mood this morning -- but it passed. As I was telling Jon David, I think I am healing. I'm starting to have faith again -- and it feels good. :)
from koorikaze :
Thank you sweetie. -hugs-
from musikoid :
They always say that "family secrets are toxic," but I don't know about that. If you feel you should keep the trans stuff to yourself, at least till you have it all put together more solidly, that seems like a sound choice to me. But about the Christian mingle dating thing, maybe just remind your Mom of your orientation, and say that you checked it out but that there were no gay/bi options. She might have been speaking a little too casually, without realizing it.
from koorikaze :
I'm sorry if I've not been there for you lately, and hope to change that. I used to attend various groups at my local college (before I met my hubby) and surprisingly, they usually let non-college students hang out too as long as they don't cause much trouble. Maybe you could find some groups at your local college? Also, dating sites do not normally work out so well. Sadly, most people are not looking for a fulfilling relationship nowadays. But, you have God on your side and I'm praying for you. Be yourself, there's only one you and you are amazing. ^_^
from writergrrl88 :
What do you mean?
from writergrrl88 :
If you're a good person, at all, you'll list the pro-suicide websites or message them to me so I can see them.
from musikoid :
Got your note, and in fact I read it to this lady here in MacDonald's, and she agreed with everything you said, after she heard me explain the situation. I also saw Jonathan again, and we talked about it some more. Then I rehearsed in my mind what I am going to say when I go to see him. But I believe I should have the twenty dollars for him when I see him, to be prudent. Otherwise, I would have to see him yet again. Thanks for your note.
from writergrrl88 :
This is so not what you need to be doing.
from musikoid :
You're like, way spiritual these days -- it's great!! I always liked the long version of that Serenity Prayer (the one you posted). It's more specifically "Christian" than the more general, shorter version with the 3 lines only, the one that gets spoken at A.A. meetings.
from musikoid :
Your shadow people remind me of forces in my own life. I've never thought about leading them rather than being led by them. Great entry.
from cloudy-night :
We all have our dark sides, a part of us which exists to protect us from harm by others and ourselves. I am so happy to hear that you're trying to take control and walk a path that is solely yours and not one designed by you subconscious. I've been reading your entries and it seems you have been through a great deal and I'm sorry for that Em. It pains me that I was off doing things and couldn't give you any support and it pains me even more that you're suffering so much. It's difficult, isn't it? Always feeling so lonely and having an aching heart - I know all about it. You have the power to live your life any way you see fit and it's good that you know it.
from koorikaze :
Self-harm is something that takes lots of time to overcome, just like eating disorders or other health problems. Still, it's good you trust her enough to be fully honest. It can take a while but I have faith you will overcome this.
from writergrrl88 :
It's okay to self-harm, and to look at pro-suicide websites. If going out means panicking, why go out? You don't have to do anything. Staying in and not looking for work means more time to do what you want (and none of what you don't), so that's best.
from musikoid :
That's funny, I was thinking about Meetup.Com just yesterday and today, too. I'm thinking I need to find some kind of support group for writing my musical, like a playwriting meetup or something. I could bounce ideas off of other writers, and I would probably get it done sooner, and turn in a better product.
from musikoid :
I must have missed an entry notification. I'll be back...
from writergrrl88 :
You're mean! Those sites are awesome and I have such a hard time finding new ones. I think more people should hang out on those.
from illusionless :
Writergrl88 I will not give you those websites. They are dangerous and triggering. I'm posting this note to you in my notes page to get that out there. I don't think the church people will judge or hate me. They are good people.
from writergrrl88 :
Can you give me links to the pro-suicide websites? My old one doesn't exist anymore, and I LOVE those sites!
from writergrrl88 :
I think you should skip church AND the luncheon. If you go, they'll judge you and hate you. Why put yourself in that position? Instead, you should get intoxicated and enjoy yourself -- it's the better option and no one will judge you then.
from ogawa :
omg. u sat and looked at pro-suicide websites with pills beside you???? that's scary. please do not do that again no matter what. you are an important person to many of us. <3
from musikoid :
I don't think it's either you or them entirely, but this is the way the wind blows. In anything, no matter whether it's friendships, or something you're trying to learn or accomplish, there are these dry spells where nothing is happening. I don't think it's you or how you are behaving, but it might be a good time for you to continue to pursue your spiritual journey, even introspectively (or reflectively), which is something that happens best in solitude, when one is alone with God. Do you know what I mean? For everything there is a season, and a time for everything under heaven.
from ogawa :
glad to read you're happy :) about the cheese thing, N has the same problem. he has done tests but it turned out 'negative' but always, if he eats too much cheese, he gets sick. take it easy with the cheese and you should be fine. God Bless! <3
from musikoid :
Lactose intolerance is a serious thing for a lot of people. I first found out about it in running, because a lot of the runners had it when I was first training. I'm lucky I don't. That's good that you found out.
from musikoid :
That trainer sounds great! It's really good of you to be getting into a solid exercise program.
from writergrrl88 :
Why would you waste time working out? It takes energy and gives you nothing in response.
from writergrrl88 :
One of my friends is currently transitioning (also FtM), and said a simple jock strap can be helpful for keeping a certain thing in place.
from musikoid :
You sound good in your entry (10/14) even though you say it's been rough. You sound up, and optimistic.
from koorikaze :
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. :) I pray things will be able to work out for the best.
from fragilegirl8 :
Good luck! :)
from musikoid :
You're welcome. :)
from koorikaze :
It's your diary and there's no shame in withholding things. Goodness, I certainly hold back here (but I do have a locked one mainly for the purpose of venting). And boy can I relate to the whole silent judgmental issue, my husband and his parents... Anyways, I hope that you new therapy can help you overcome. Just remember that God is there with you, even if He seems far away.
from musikoid :
I think you're really making important progress on your spiritual journey with this therapy. That's the sense I get, anyway.
from koorikaze :
Thank you for the reassuring note. It's good to know that there are those who care. Speaking of, I can relate to your last entry and the one before it. All I can say is sometimes we really have to be discerning when it comes to the Holy Spirit. The world is loud, but God whispers. <3
from writergrrl88 :
It's the world showing you how you don't need that religious BS -- instead, your need the quiet peace that comes from not trying to live a fairytale piece of poorly written fiction.
from musikoid :
Believe me it's the Holy Spirit.
from razor-vixen :
I do the same thing, seeing people who are bigger than me. I can't help it. I don't want to do it....but I don't think it makes us bad people. We're just trying to find ways to feel better about ourselves.
from enurta :
hey, don't be so hard on yourself. try gaming but not skipping meals, for example. then you can try to play less and less....try writing about how you feel instead of turning to games. you're obviously avoiding something, you just have to find out what <3
from writergrrl88 :
Often, games can be so much more fun and fulfilling than "real life" -- there's nothing wrong with immersing yourself in the game. It is being social! You should enjoy yourself and play as much as you like. :)
from musikoid :
You're definitely not a failure -- but I don't know what it will take for you not to see yourself as one. I remember having similar feelings when my parents were still alive, and I was worried I would not be able to get myself into good enough shape before they died. (I don't mean physical shape, but just, in life in general.)
from musikoid :
That's great that your health is better.
from writergrrl88 :
It's okay to self-harm.
from musikoid :
I don't think crying is a bad thing, and in a case like this it might be a positive way of release. I don't understand the whole situation, but I think you ought to let yourself cry if the alternative is cutting. It's not a matter of personal strength; it's just that crying can be healthy. But anyway, I am glad you are feeling better. :)
from writergrrl88 :
Do you think maybe, somehow, reading the bible is what's making you so sick?
from koorikaze :
Thank you so much for the kind note and prayers, it means a lot to me. And, it's time to be kind to yourself and accepting of who you are. While others do care, they might never understand how you deal with things, and that's okay. You need to rest and take some time to straighten things out. It's your body and mind, not anyone else's.
from writergrrl88 :
It is okay. It's okay to be down when you're working through things. It's okay to isolate a bit when the work you're doing is on the inside. It's okay to be who you are, because who you are is amazing.
from koorikaze :
I hope that the main character surprises themselves with how strong they really are. ;)
from koorikaze :
I'm sorry your family is being insensitive about your weight and job status. Believe me, it's tough to get the courage to job hunt. Maybe you could do odd jobs that you feel comfortable with? And as for the party issue, some people forget and some really think it won't happen again.
from cloudy-night :
Glad to hear that the dark cloud is dispersing. Enjoy spending time with your family!
from musikoid :
I'm sorry. I meant to write "DBT."
from musikoid :
You sound better now.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that you got some help and that you're happy now. There are lots and lots of people who care about you, I just happen to be one of many. I wish you would have emailed me or something, I would've listened - even if that was all I could do at the time. You have so much to look forward to, don't forget that and don't even thinking about trying to end things before it's time!!!!
from musikoid :
I care about you. A lot of people care about you; and I know you know this to be true. If you get into that dark space again, is it possible that you can bring to mind that you know there are people who care about you, but that your mind is not allowing you to see that right now, so you feel restricted and empty, without hope. I just wonder if you can access your higher self at those moments, and release your wise mind, and transcend the temporary feelings of desperation and despair, which after all stem from distorted thinking; and that distortion will pass. Maybe this is what you already do, with or without knowing it. I think DMT might be a good thing to touch on, or return to. Just some thoughts.
from cloudy-night :
Wow, six pounds already - that's awesome! You'll find a job soon, I don't know if the job front is the same there as it is here though.
from enurta :
for so long, he was my only friend. then N came along and V feels threatened. I feel sorry for him. I love him, after all, if it wasn't for him I would never have survived the abuse. I owe him.
from musikoid :
Congratulations on the continuing weight loss -- I know what you mean about your body 'finally listening to you.' It's great when that happens. :)
from enurta :
thank you for the note. and also, congrats on the weightloss! *hugs*
from musikoid :
That's interesting, because my friend G.P. was inferring the same thing last night about me, actually, with respect with why would I go to agencies and places like Rubicon or East Bay Area Works that I sometimes mention in my diary, in order to use their services to find work, those services being designed to help those who are underprivileged, disabled, or otherwise disadvantaged; when if my self-esteem were a little higher and my sense of self-worth a little greater, I would put myself in the same playing field with all the other valuable, competent applicants, rather than with those who have disabilities and are underprivileged or disadvantaged. I read your list of (1), (2), and (3) and I think you are totally on the right track, actually.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that the counseling is working and helping you develop a more positive attitude! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how cool I think it is that you plan to go Japan and actually are closer to your goal than I am - so envious. I guess I'll save up too, but I was planning on going to a few other places too - maybe I'll hit pay-dirt and be able to see them all.
from cloudy-night :
I must be frustrating as hell. To try and try only for someone to tell you that you're not trying at all. I understand 1, 2, and 3 and I see what you mean about 2 and 3 conflicting with one another, but not so much. There's nothing wrong with receiving a heads up about a project, I don't think that's accommodation, it's a common courtesy. Who wouldn't want to have a project or something sent to them a few hours before it was due? I am happy that you're finding your ground and I truly hope that you continue to flourish! Do what makes you happy! Also, they don't have a car pool at your church? Seems difficult to get that Sunday fix sparingly, but if you can only do it once a month and it's enough to carry you over - that's just gravy.
from musikoid :
Hi Illusionless. Thanks for your note. I am realizing that I pretty much blew it at the house. But then again, it wasn't too ideal for me, in terms of the space invasion and all the permissiveness with regards to sex and drugs. If I can find a place that's a little more structured (without signing my life away) it will be a blessing. + I'll have a laptop probably by the end of next week and we can Skype again if you like. It's great to hear from you.
from enurta :
They are very strict here about these things. I think its basically if you can study, then you dont need disability. You can take care of yourself.
from enurta :
yay! you haven't harmed yourself for months, that's great! you should be very proud :) however, about the 'binging', do you purge after? I comforteat and keep it down, but when I binge I always purge.
from enurta :
hey, you should try. that's always something :) you are so brave! wish I had your will-power...I can barely ride the bus without a panicattack. I've tried to work in the past but I freak out and the longest time I've worked is two hours. i've never had a job. I never even finished high-school.
from musikoid :
Meant: 'but to have to say' (not 'to day'). :)
from musikoid :
People don't always see how much of one's self-confidence or self-esteem is wrapped up in their decisions whether to work on any specific job or not. Usually people just look at their skill sets and levels of competence. I would choose (b) if it weren't for the financial rationale. In other words, even if it did make me feel badly about myself that I couldn't ultimately handle or keep the job, I could always say: "At least I made some money." But to have to day: "At least I tried" would only make me feel worse, because it would make me feel as though my efforts tend to be ineffective and pointless.
from cloudy-night :
If you don't try, you're allowing failure to be the only thing you can succeed at. With every failure, we learn more about ourselves. Our wants, our needs, our likes, our dislikes, and our desires. There's nothing wrong with getting your feet wet Em. Good luck!
from koorikaze :
I would say the motivation comes from the reminder that my chances for major health problems will be worse if I don't make myself go. I also write down goals and ask my family to remind me of them as well. It does take motivation but it also takes desire to want to exercise. I find if I exercise here, I'm not likely to do as good a job. I hope this helps. ^^; Also, if you never try, you will never know one way or another if it was meant to be. I wish I could offer more advice, but you can bet I'm praying for you.
from writergrrl88 :
Never trying means never failing. Trust your instincts on this one.
from cloudy-night :
You can never go wrong with having art in your life.
from atwowaydream :
aw, thank you, sweetie. really.
from enurta :
keep fighting. never give up <3
from razor-vixen :
Have you considered adopting a dog from a shelter? They're totally worth all the hassle! My dog always cheers me up with her funny antics and when she "lick attacks" me (which is often). Dogs are often used in therapy too....you could both benefit! p.s. small dogs are cheaper! lol
from writergrrl88 :
Have you considered petting stuffed animals when you don't have Nemo (like, when you're at your regular flat)? It might help in the same way, even though the stuffed animal won't respond (you'd still have the act of petting, which can be awesome).
from koorikaze :
Sorry I haven't been around lately, too much stress in this world! I am glad you are going to a gym. Not only will you tone up, but exercise really helps with depression. If you ever need exercise advice, feel free to ask.
from writergrrl88 :
First of all, I doubt you are as unattractive as you believe yourself to be. I haven't seen a picture of you, so I can't say for sure, but I also know that there are many physically attractive people who do not fit society's mold of preferred physical appearance. Second, I know you are not unattractive as a person -- you are smart, eloquent, and kind ... those are attractive qualities, and far more important than one's waist measurements and such. There are many people who meet/exceed what society deems physically attractive, but who are really ugly because they are vapid, mean, and thoughtless. Please, realize how many wonderful qualities you have, and give yourself the value you deserve.
from musikoid :
Meant: "I still probably won't go." One thing is I'm meeting with my brother for lunch today at 2pm, and this time I will listen to his suggestion. I'm pretty much at the total bottom of my life.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note too. I've really missed Skyping with you. I don't know how long it will take me to get another laptop though. I need to find work, or else just kind of give up and try to find some kind of treatment program. I'm pretty depressed. I guess they can't confiscate my laptop if I don't have one. But I still will probably go, because they usually don't let you out to go running either, not to mention I can't stand tobacco smoke and the thought of having to sit still for two hours and watch a movie of any sort is about as appealing as asking me to place hot coals all across the Golden Gate Bridge an walk from San Francisco to Sausolito. I'm horrendously depressed, to tell the truth.
from musikoid :
I guess my earlier note didn't post while I was being logged off at the library. I basically said that I'm going to have a hard time keeping up with DiaryLand now that I don't have a laptop, but that I wanted to comment on your post. I think she apologized to your Dad and not to you because she didn't think she could get away with *not* apologizing to him. It would somehow have affected the constancy of their interactions, and there would have been a consequence. She could "get away" with not apologizing to you, as there would have been no clear consequence that she could not easily address or dismiss. Parents and stepparents do that to kids all the time. It was thoughtless of her -- but it is also human nature. The way you stood by your stepmother as she was dying was admirable. Remember that.
from cloudy-night :
I don't know why you feel that way, but it's just that - a feeling. There isn't any truth in it. You care about everyone and are considerate of everyone. The fact that you don't want to cause anyone harm, physically or through words already speaks volumes. The path you believe you're walking goes against all the values you hold dear and in turn, your very nature. I just see it like that, I can't feel what you feel. I just feel what I feel and I don't believe it to be wrong, even if you do at the moment. Smile. Don't focus so much on the past because it's nothing more than a huge rock and heavy chain that will slow you down from you true objectives.
from cloudy-night :
Things will get better. You do realize that you're not walking the same path as your step-mom, right? For generations, people have passed down ideals and rules of behavior and countless times, they've been tossed aside. You'll find your way out of the maze and be free of all those burdens.
from enurta :
how long have you been on cipralex? I've been on it for 6 years. what other meds do you take? anyways, I'm glad your leg is okay *hugs*
from musikoid :
Sorry about your injuries. It sounds like you're taking care of that now, though, so that's good.
from koorikaze :
Oh my, please get your leg looked at. I will pray it isn't serious!
from illusionless :
Thank you everyone for writing me notes. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to respond yet. I just want to let all my Diaryland friends know how much they mean to me! Love you guys!
from musikoid :
I got your note. It's OK. I noticed you hadn't written any notes to any of the others either, so I didn't take it personally.
from musikoid :
I gotta read your most recent entries (6/17 & 18) but just am writing to let you know that my notes are turned on now.
from musikoid :
I agree with Koorikaze. None of that stuff was your fault at all, and I don't think anybody but you is blaming you. You probably hoped to do a perfect job and for Nemo not to have all those problems, but this seems to be a time when you are too hard on yourself. At least, that's how it looks to me.
from musikoid :
I'm just catching up with your entries again. About the dog-sitting, I always kinda freak out when something unexpected happens when I'm watching someone's pet, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It sounds like you dealt with the skunk thing really well. + About binging, I probably have been doing that lately, because I have noticed that whenever I buy groceries I can't help but keep going for more food though. However, I'm not yet gaining any weight, and I think I am still losing. I was 158lbs the other day on the scale, and that's the lowest I've been in several years.
from koorikaze :
None of what happened is your fault. Sometimes things like that just happen (trust me, I've been there), but it sounds like you and your family handled the situations quite nicely. I know it's easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself. ~hugs~
from musikoid :
I just caught up with all your entries. It took me a while to read all my friends from DiaryLand, and also my friend on LiveJournal, in the midst of other things. I read your entries in reverse order, so I saw where you got in touch with how much God is in favor of your higher sense of self-worth and self-esteem, which is a great thing to be made real for you. I'm doing pretty much better today; I finally broke the block and am getting things created on this libretto that has been consuming me. Maybe we can catch each other later on Skype.
from cloudy-night :
I'm glad to hear that you're making a change for yourself. You know that you can also jump rope to run calories? I hear that jumping rope is harder on the knees though.
from enurta :
oh also forgot to write that 174 pounds is not much at all. I weigh over 200 pounds. 2 years ago I weighed 115 lbs....
from enurta :
I know how you feel about the weight-thing...I feel worthless whenever my mom or monster tell me how 'fat' I am. it's like, wtf? I know I'm fat you don't need to say it to my face every time you see me. my mom doesn't say it that often any more. but when monster is here, he tells me almost every day. it's awful. but you know what? who gives a shit? you're beautiful as long as your heart is honest and pure.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy to hear that you've found what path to take in order to find your own happiness! It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks, if you're happy - the people in your life will be happy for you too! Enjoy yourself and let me know what kind of you haircut you've got!
from koorikaze :
Thank you for the note! I sincerely hope that you find someone who is non-judgmental and will be willing to help you look as fabulous as you already are. (Hope that made sense, I'm under-caffeinated.)
from enurta :
'Back to the point. I'm not attractive to gay women or straight women! I'm going to be alone forever!!' okay, here's the TRUTH: you're a beautiful, smart and wonderful person. always remember that no matter what. people who treat you like shit are just jealous.
from atwowaydream :
Marriage does not put anyone on a pedestal for me, and neither does being a lesbian. On the other hand, actions do. Guidance isn't about successfully attaining the image of happiness. She needs guidance in the sense that she needs to dig deep and think about what she says before she opens her mouth.
from writergrrl88 :
That dark place is where you'll find your true self, reclaim your sexuality and self-esteem, and be able to go out and find the woman you want (and feel more confident in yourself). Fantasizing about hurting others will help your self-esteem and make you feel empowered. I'm proud of you!
from atwowaydream :
This Terri person sounds like she needs a lot of guidance to make it through this world. Seriously, who says that? And to belittle you to such a degree seems. . . like a ridiculous highschool bully. She needs to be told off.
from koorikaze :
Sorry to hear you've been under the weather. I know all too well how miserable it can be. But I am very glad you are feeling better and will pray that you keep feeling well. ^^
from writergrrl88 :
Dear musikoid: I'm leaving you a note here because you are not accepting notes on your page. I am not a troll -- I am a woman who believes that anything that makes someone feel better is something he or she should do (to excess, because if something feels good, more will feel even better). I don't see any problem with drinking, drugging, or self-harming, because the world is a horrible place and anything that makes someone feel better (even for a little while) is a good thing. I also advocate writing, drawing, watching telly, and playing games (on Facebook, video games, etc.). However, since things that alter one's brain chemistry (such as alcohol, drugs, and self-harm, which acts on the same area[s] of the brain) are the things that bring the most instant gratification. And, really, why bother with things that **might** be helpful long term when a person can feel better right now.
from enurta :
appearantly I'm not the only one receiving weird notes from 'writergrrl88'. she told me to drink after I wrote that I'm an alcoholic and have been sober for over a year. then she told me to buy drugs because taking drugs would 'solve all my problems'. anyway, don't listen to her. remember that self-harm is NEVER 'guilt-free'! so avoid it. please. oh and I just wanted to say have fun on your trip! :) *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
It sounds to me like your body is asking you to self-harm, and punishing you when you resist. Really, this gives you full permission/encouragement to self-harm any time you want with no guilt, which is awesome! :)
from enurta :
<3
from atwowaydream :
yes, I am a fan of the butch mystique.
from cloudy-night :
Oh and about your note, we can definitely do that! Just let me know when you want to post something on your youtube page and we can make it happen. Thanks for the well wishes also. Thing is, my grades bombed. I withdrew from one class and my final grades in the others go as followed C+, D+, C-. To be honest, I would count that as successful due to all the homesickness and worrying. That D+ bites though, I really hate that I have to take Discrete Mathematics again. The book is horrible, it's like reading Latin or some long-forgotten language. But at least next semester, I'll be able to breeze through it.
from cloudy-night :
I don't believe that it's strange and I really don't think you're crazy. In this world, there are people who can see things other can't. Believe me, we all have some kind of sixth sense.
from fragilegirl8 :
Shadow People, interesting. I don't think I have heard of this before. I've always had an interest in the unexplained whether it be ghosts, aliens, bigfoot etc.
from cloudy-night :
Congratulation on your graduation, that's awesome! Your grades look pretty good to me, I know I really messed up this semester, so I'm hoping for passing grades. Of course I've seen your blogs! You did invite me and I said yes, you don't remember? Just let me know when, okay? I am taking programming course, it's all object-oriented and analytical languages. I do know a bit of html and I'm learning css on my own. CSS isn't bad, it's just a more condense version of html, giving you control over how pages look. This is the site I'm learning from http://www.w3schools.com/css/css_syntax.asp We can learn together if you want, it's like a two week thing. Let me know Em! And congrats again, I'm proud of you!!! :)
from razor-vixen :
Congratulations on graduating! It's hard work but I had no doubt you could do it!
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for all the advice! I'm going to give it a try next semester and as far as places like meetup is concerned, I think I'll give it a whirl as well. Why would you apologize for sending me a long note, I love hearing what you have to say! The church I went to today was cool, I'm kinda into Catholicism and didn't expect for them to be so laid back when it came to attire, but they were. I wore a polo shirt and jeans and that's what 60% of the other guys were wearing too. I didn't partake in communion though because I'm not catholic, but I may convert. I see that you're growing restless too. Can you take any summer school courses? Maybe you should pick up a new hobby. I wanted to talk to you about contributing to a gamer blog that I was about to start. But I haven't really played games as much as I used to. Although, I am at the end of Breath of Fire IV, but I have to level up to around sixty for the characters to be effective. I'll be on msn and skype all next week so lets chat! Later Em!
from enurta :
no that's not weird at all. it happens to me if I need to get out of bed to go to the bathroom for example. I walk right 'through' them...I never sleep in the dark unless N is here. if I'm home alone at night, I keep the hallway lamp lit, and I don't see shadow people at all. but when it's dark, (outside), and also in some room inside, I see them. it's really creepy.
from enurta :
yeah you're right...thanks for the note! <3
from musikoid :
I got your notes, and thanks for those. I'll get back to you about the design thing, but no, you don't need to keep mailing me the entries. But send me the user/pass again if you will.
from atwowaydream :
Have you ever seen Lost in Translation? It's like a visual love letter to Japan. The soundtrack and the scenery is. . . dreamlike and so beautiful.
from enurta :
http://www.djinnuniverse.com/faqs-about-the-djinn
from enurta :
V says we will be together forever if I kill myself. which makes me believe that he is a demon (djinn).
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks for the note! I hope you feel better too!
from koorikaze :
Thanks for the link, I laughed so hard I almost fell off the chair. ^^;
from koorikaze :
Yay for school almost being done. You ran the race and are almost to the finish line. You can do it! And as for the cut opening, keep a close eye on it. *hug*
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy you're okay. You can't let people get to you like that. Forgive the language, but fuck em! You're all adults and they're acting like children. It really pisses me off! If you're were a little closer in distance, I would've went by your school and told them off.
from cloudy-night :
Are you okay? How did you cut yourself? I really hope that time with your family helps clear your head, be safe Em!
from cloudy-night :
I am so sorry that you feel that way. Hopefully that feeling has subsided. Iwould be extremely sad to learn that anything like that ever happened to you. Things will get better.
from enurta :
I feel that way all the time. suicidal. it's all I think about. but then I look into N's eyes...I look my at my mom, my sister, N's family, my friend Annah, my cat Tom...and they would be devastated if I died. it would ruin their lives. try to enjoy the small things, like the sun shining. or the rain pouring down. god created a beautiful world. I'm not telling you to stop being suicidal, because I know what that's like, but I'm telling u to enjoy life <3
from koorikaze :
I don't think one can fully "get over" being bullied. The tormentors may eventually go away but the scars they leave are there. You are perfectly normal in the way you react. I know what it is like to be bullied. If you ever need to talk, my email/notes are open 24/7. *hugs*
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks for the note. I can't read your diary anymore. You changed the password?
from enurta :
'So, in a nutshell, I will not be seeing her again. I don't even know if I can believe the diagnosis of a psychiatrist who only talked to me for 45 minutes' wow. blast from the past. been there, done that. it took time to find the right doctor, (someone who isn't a stuck-up retarded asshole). I do not think u have borderline, but automatically, doctors and therapists like to label anyone who self-harms as borderline. Its stupid. Of course this person u met cant tell you u suffer from something after 45 minutes. It takes time. I was labeled as a borderline when I was 18 and first told a doctor about what was really going onand guess what? All the so called treatments only made me worse. Because I didnt suffer from borderline! I am and WAS schizophrenic. I got the diagnosis almost 5 years ago and I am getting the right kind of help now. Labeling someone with a disease takes time, and a lot of therapy sessions. But I understand what happened, people are lazy. Its easier to label u with borderline and send u off to go somewhere else because they dont want to bother. Ive been there so I totally understand what youre going through. Put your foot down and demand a detailed psychiatric assessment.
from writergrrl88 :
I suggest asking your regular doctor for another opinion. 1) I doubt you're Borderline (btw, some drs count being anything but "hetero" as a point toward Borderline, which is BS) 2) Once you're diagnosed with Borderline, you'll have fewer options for treatment and few drs will be willing to work with you. Many other things should be excluded (after thorough discussion and some psychological testing) before Borderline is even on the table.
from cloudy-night :
BPD,I don't know if I believe that either.
from writergrrl88 :
Congratulations on going out, having a good time, and seeing friends! :) I'm proud of you, and I hope you're proud of yourself, too. Good luck with your Computers exam!
from illusionless :
To any of you reading my notes page I apologize for not responding. I haven't been receiving my email notifications of when new notes come in. Diaryland is messed up right now. Thank you all for your kind notes. Enurta I will get the user/pass to you. Maybe I put your email in wrong when I tried to send it before. I have been having issues with emails being received lately. It's not just you. I'll try again now.
from koorikaze :
We all have things we are not proud of. If we at least attempt to do something, then we are never failures. *hugs*
from enurta :
:( u still haven't sent the user/pass to me...I miss reading your diary. if u don't want me to read I get the hint.
from koorikaze :
Every new road we walk upon can be both scary and exciting. Sending prayers your way and wishing you luck!
from enurta :
user/pass plz?? hope all is well with you <3
from koorikaze :
Actually, I used to have a Second Life account but can't remember the information. I think I deleted the email address associated with it (oopsie). Second Life is pretty neat though so I might just make a new account. Once I get that done, I'll let you know my username. :)
from minstrelite :
That was a really good entry, about the visit with your therapist.
from minstrelite :
That's great that you made it to church and that you felt comfortable there, and that the church was casual. I'm happy for you! :)
from cloudy-night :
Haha, guess you did pick up a bad habit.
from cloudy-night :
She's right though! You should aim high, you're known for giving yourself very little credit. The things your teacher and step mom told you were wrong. Dream big! Go for it! As far as school go, I'm in the same predicament that you are. My confidence got the best of me and my grades have proven otherwise. But that just makes me want to succeed more. We are capable of failure, but we are capable of success as well! I truly think that you can do anything you put your mind to. We all lack in some areas, but we're stronger in others. You just have to make it work. I believe in you and I hope that you start to believe in yourself a bit more too!
from cloudy-night :
So what would your male name be? You can probably pull of Eli, but it's so close to your name that it seems a bit off. But I feel you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable. It's a great feeling when you become happy with who you truly are.
from tobehis :
Thanks for the note - I just feel like I'm a nag sometimes, always texting, so I am trying to back off. :-/
from atwowaydream :
http://www.amazon.com/Alone-ebook/dp/B0055OH8QA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328555222&sr=1-1 Another fictional account.
from atwowaydream :
http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Selfharm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments/dp/1572246162/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328555222&sr=1-3 Just one a few, this one seems to be more about recovery. I think writing a book is an awesome idea, but it's also good to get a perspective on the entire genre to get some ideas and a feel for it all.
from cloudy-night :
I don't think you're a negative person, but you know better than me who you are. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, the exercise is something you will definitely get around to. If it's something you want, just dive in. I've recently started waking up in the morning to exercise. I'm a bit out of shape, so I can only do thirty push-ups and two hundred sit ups. I only do one hundred fifty squats but I'm working on it and it's just that one step that you need to take that will make a huge impact! I hope I can get a chance to chat with you soon!
from minstrelite :
Also, I kinda feel what the writer below me is saying, because there are people in my life that are always "pointing out my negativity" -- and ironically, I think that's a really negative thing to do to me. My daughter does it all the time. I think I was just being casual and everything was fine, maybe I made a slightly sarcastic comment or something, but that doesn't make me "negative." Just some thoughts.
from minstrelite :
You sound upbeat in this entry and I am glad. Just for the record, though, I would never characterize you as a "negative" person, but only as a *serious* person. You're also very analytical. Some people may interpret that as a negative thing, but I don't think so. The only thing that's ever struck me is that maybe you could lighten up a little bit and look for the humor in life, and think of this as a part of the sunny side. (Of course, I might have the opposite thing going on, because I see humor in all kinds of things, and a lot of times I notice that people can't tell when I am trying to be funny.)
from writergrrl88 :
Yay for negativity! I get so tired of people pointing out when I'm being negative, because that just means I'm a realist and not a stupid optimist. I'm proud of you for being a realist, too. :)
from razor-vixen :
You are a very good writer! I've noticed that for a long time. You're very articular and you have good spelling! As for feeling like you're a bad person....don't. I've had those sorts of feelings towards others (mostly my ex from years ago who did me so wrong; wishing he'd get back exactly what he'd done to me, etc.). I think most people have these feelings towards others at some point. They just usually always keep them inside. You're sharing, and it's very hard to do. I hope the therapy helps you; from what you've said your therapist sounds really good!
from atwowaydream :
Struggling with bulimia and eating disorders throughout my life, I can definitely relate the "Want" to stop, but it's so hard not to have the cleansing after effects of relief and the dulling of pain. I wish you luck in all of your endeavors, as you are certainly a survivor.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that you're overcoming your fears and unlearning a few of the things that you feel aren't quite right. It's hard to unlearn things, but once you do, it's a freedom in knowing that we, as human beings, aren't truly creatures of habit. Oh and to answer your question, Hell Yeah! I would love to be a guest speaker on your page - guess I should watch some of the new anime that's out.
from cloudy-night :
Seems like February is going to an adventurous month for you and you'll damn right - we all love you no matter what!!! Sorry it has taken me so long to drop a line. Classes are hetic, but soon as everything clears up and I get accustomed to things - let's skype!!! A few things I won't to hear from you and a few things I want to talk about. I marked all the days that I haven't read your journal entries, so I'll have a good bit of reading to do too. Talk to you later!!!
from writergrrl88 :
I went back and forth a lot on how to self-identify. I'm attracted to the person inside -- whether male or female -- and typically find women more aesthetically pleasing (though there have been exceptions). I didn't feel right calling myself bisexual, because people tend to think people who are bi are not able to be monogamous (which is not always true, in my experience). I called myself lesbian for awhile, but I knew I didn't fit the truest definition. Then, I found the term "pansexual" -- being able to self-identify as pansexual has made me feel far more comfortable. I think once you become more comfortable with exactly who you are inside -- and once you spend some time with your inner you -- you'll become more and more comfortable with who you are. You deserve that, and you deserve happiness.
from atwowaydream :
I think it all makes perfect sense. Nothing is supposed to be this exact puzzle piece of humanity or gender or fairytale. It's all varied and so so lovely, and that's what makes it livable.
from writergrrl88 :
I have a lot of male friends who I have never dated, and I tend to find a few off-colour jokes will stop the questions as to whether or not you're dating. For example, if someone asks if you're dating, you might say "well, some might call it that," hip-check the guy, and point to his gentiles in a crude way. If the person misses the joke, you can always clarify, but usually it makes it clear you're buddies. :)
from writergrrl88 :
I would never advocate someone quit cutting because they feel they "should." However, it sounds like you're truly ready, and I'm so proud of you! The ice technique is awesome (the rubber band can work, too). Some people find "cutting" with a marker (drawing the cut, seeing the red ink, etc.) can help, too (it didn't work for me, but I've heard people say it worked for them). I'm sending you emotional support!
from cloudy-night :
It seems like this year had a lot of ups and downs, but you gained a lot from it all. Never forget that every event is a learning experience and often a test from God. I hope you have a Happy New Year!!!
from writergrrl88 :
I know you don't always like my advice, but this time I thought about what I was going to write before typing it, and I think it's appropriate. One of the commonly suggested techniques for stopping (or cutting down on) self-harm is putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it when you want to cut (so, you're causing some pain, but not actually cutting). I have faith that if you really want to quit, you can. *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
I don't want to make you sad/unhappy. I was trying to push you to come out of your shell a bit and have fun, because I know you find it lonely sometimes. I really didn't mean any disrespect, and I'm sorry if I didn't word my comments as well as I should have. I do care about you.
from writergrrl88 :
I think you just don't make a big effort to relate to your friends. Instead, you use your religion as a shield to keep everyone away. If you'd make more of an effort to spend time with your friends, having fun, you'd be so much happier.
from cloudy-night :
You have to send me a link because I've read a lot of your entries and I don't remember the situation that occurred between you and chel. What I wanted to say was, you're not a kind person. You're a good person, a kind person, and effing awesome person! As you know, we live in a world where a person can hate you for any reason and/or none at all. But don't let it get to you. The axiom is, haters are going to hate, so let them. You are always so hard on yourself and you shouldn't be. If it were more people in the world like you, it would be better off.
from tobehis :
Aw, thanks.
from tobehis :
Thanks for the note. I was just wondering if I had more readers who don't comment all the time, and then I saw your note and discovered I was on your buddy list.
from writergrrl88 :
Yeah, but all you have to do is skip the next dose of your meds and you can drink. Or, if you participate in more "natural" intoxicants, rather than alcohol, you can indulge (even to excess) worry-free -- even if you take your meds.
from writergrrl88 :
The thing is, though, if you would get drunk and indulge in other intoxicating vices with your friends, you'd be happier -- and, you wouldn't care about going out and doing other things, because you'd be perfectly happy where you are. Plus, it would be a great distraction, so you wouldn't have as much anxiety.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey you. I locked my journal. If you would like to read it (and I'd love it if you did), please email me at jondavidbirss@gmail.com with illusionless in the subject somewhere. I'll respond with your username and password. I've been busy with the Occupy movement, in case you're interested in what my recent writing has been about.
from cloudy-night :
That doesn't creep me out. I actually don't have much to say on the subject. I just want you to be happy and this seems like it will make you happy! You should go for it, but does the surgery to get your voice changed cost a lot? Oh yeah, what I meant to say, is that I forgot my skype information and can't log in. So, I'm going to make up a new one. When you can, email me to let me know when you're free.
from fragilegirl8 :
I am not creeped out. I think alot of us use Dland as a place where we can be honest about our feelings and not worrying about being judged. Thats how I feel. None of my readers know me personally and I like that.
from koorikaze :
http://global.rakuten.com/us/ And thank you for the note. ^^
from atwowaydream :
Yeah, labels can get a bit extreme. Whatever makes the person happy. That's what should matter.
from atwowaydream :
I've been in a relationship with someone who is going through the very early stages of transitioning from F to M, and it is difficult-- from the pronouns to passing to everything. You'd amazed at how some ftm's have changed through the entire process. Just. . . unrecognizable. . . and finally happy, too.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry to hear that. I know it feels to be overlooked or seen through. But it's like Enurta said, "you've won." Still, it's never so cut and dry. High school was hell for me too and those kind of memories don't go away easily. Still, you've seem to have a handle on it and those experiences have made you a better person.
from enurta :
See it like this; you won in the end. You have lots of friends and family who care about you now. I was popular in high school, now, ten years later, Im just a freak. Everyone treats me like a freak. I have 1 friend thats it. And she doesnt even give a fuck about me. Were just friends because shes known N since they were kids. I have no one. So being popular in high school means nothing. Im sorry you had to go through all of thatbut, like I said, you won in the end. Keep your head high and be proud.
from atwowaydream :
you were absolutely something. in highschool anyone non-interesting becomes a droid. it's the law.
from enurta :
i lost your user/pass :( changed computer that's why. i am wondering if u can e-mail it to me?
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry to hear that you're so down. You do know that you're a good person, right? You're very kind and caring and very sweet. We all view ourselves as bad people from time to time, but in your case, it's not true at all. Keep your head up, okay? Don't get discourage and don't give up! One step at a time, you're find happiness.
from razor-vixen :
Don't get too discouraged about her say no to a "date". At least you are trying! Nothing will happen unless you try. Gee I should probably take my own advice about that! My love life is non-existant too, but all we can do is keep trying to meet someone!
from atwowaydream :
Yes, she is super hot. I have a soft spot for butches.
from atwowaydream :
http://www.dyketees.com/default.php -- these are mainly fun tee shirts. . . I have the one that says, "boys, we've come for your wives. . ."
from atwowaydream :
Number twelve is awesome!
from atwowaydream :
:::textual hug::::
from atwowaydream :
you're right, every little step is important. be proud of yourself for deciding to tackle your anxiety. . . some people merely live with it, or won't admit they have it.
from enurta :
just read your entry, you should really consider trying EMDR therapy. I've wanted to try it for years, but nobody wants me to do it because I can become psychotic and harm myself. do u suffer from posttraumatic stress? gosh, I didn't know. this treatment is supposed to be really good. you should give it a shot. it can actually help you. and the best part is; there is nothing to lose.
from enurta :
thanks hun, you are so sweeet *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
If you're sleeping nearly 12 hours a day, you're not doing well, and you're very depressed. Of course, reading a sad story like the Bible could easily make you more depressed -- if you stop, I'm sure you'll feel much better. I'd suggest giving up such "classic" horror fiction for modern stuff like Stephen King. Also, if you're really looking to be happier, you should start taking a few nightly drinks and watching something funny, like "South Park."
from cloudy-night :
I hope that you shake of that feeling of depression. Thing is, you can't help how you feel, you have to work all it out to feel better. I'm doing fine, going through few ups and downs myself, but I'll find stable ground soon enough.
from cloudy-night :
All the things you say about yourself aren't true. And if it take you a billion times to get yourself together, that's fine. You're not racing against anyone.
from writergrrl88 :
What's so bad about someone who smokes, drinks, or does (recreational) drugs? You could be turning down your soulmate because she has an occasional cigarette!
from atwowaydream :
More lax expectations is not the answer. You will know. That's it. I can almost promise that.
from cloudy-night :
You shouldn't place what you think you're worth on one particular thing. I think that you're amazing! But I understand where you're coming from. I wish I could put in my two cents, but then I would be a hypocrite. Just don't put too much into the situation, okay?
from razor-vixen :
Good for you for not feeling the need to bow to peer pressure to smoke or drink! As for the high school girl....if you've contacted her and you know the message reached her, wait to see if you hear back. Try to pester her (by having your other friend also mention it). Let her now respond to you if she wants to.
from musikoid :
Glad you got your Internet hooked up. I'll try and catch you on Skype. I've missed you.
from bliss-sad :
I love you! Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragment; I didn't really think about the fact that my body has to adjust to all of the new shit I'm putting in it. I feel so much better knowing that others don't think of me as a freak, or as less of a woman. I can't tell you how much it means to me!
from razor-vixen :
That sucks about the internet....maybe you could go with Bell? Or get internet but have it password protected so only you can use it (that's what I have in my apartment)....sorry!
from fragilegirl8 :
Thank you so much! :)
from cloudy-night :
Good to hear that things are finally returning to normal for you. One of these days, I'll catch you so we can talk anime. I've found a few gems and they are all short, longest series is twenty-five episodes. But if you can, check out High School of The Dead. I think it may be called Spring of The Dead in the west.
from minstrelite :
Hi Emily - I hadn't heard from you in a while and had left a few emails and Skype messages, so eventually was concerned enough to stop by DiaryLand to see if you had updated recently. Seeing that you have, I think I can identify with much of what you are saying -- about the low levels of motivation that accompany deep depression, and also the discouraging sense of falling just as you feel you had made some progress. It sounds to me like a lot of it is physiological, too. Only eating one meal a day will eventually take its toll. Anyway, I have been doing basically all right after some turbulence, and if you want to talk, I am here for you. Also, I sent you a DropBox invite because the files (recordings of Bible teachings) are too large for me to send or place on my Box.Net account. I'm praying.
from fragilegirl8 :
Already Over = Great Song!
from cloudy-night :
I don't know exactly how you feel, but I get it a little. Sometimes, things in life gets us down and it's so hard to recover from it - especially alone. You want help, but you can't get it. You tried to help yourself, but doing it alone isn't enough. Hey Em, what do you believe in? By that I don't mean, your spiritual preference. I mean, what is your personal truth? What is the one thing that keeps you going, that helps you to survive? Maybe your belief in God is it or maybe it's something else. Whatever it is, keep it close to you. Let it become the foundation of everything that will occur in your life. When you have something to believe in, something that keeps you moving. Then there isn't nothing under Heaven that can put you asunder. Lame as what I said was, I hope it helped. That list you made should only consist of one thing at a time. Too many goals at once will always be overwhelming, break it down.
from enurta :
Thanks for the link, but I have no talent what so ever. I cant draw, and Im not creative at all.
from bliss-sad :
YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Oh my god, recognizing patterns of behavior and making a conscious decision to do things differently is huge! It's something that takes many people years of therapy to realize! I love your motivation; keep it up! You are walking down a dark, windy and weird path, but you have it in you to overcome any obstacle. So awesome! XOXOXOX Sending love
from cloudy-night :
For once, I am lost for words. I can't think of anything that will be helpful to you. I hope that you figure things out. Please, don't be too hard on yourself, you're not to blame for anything that occurred.
from writergrrl88 :
Just remember, regardless of what she said, you're not to blame for anyone being ill -- stress does not cause cancer, regardless of whether the stress is internal or external. You're a good person.
from cloudy-night :
Hmmm, does seem like a sign. I am really happy that you received your meds without having to pay, that's awesome! Oh and thanks, I hope I find a better friend as well.
from cloudy-night :
I see. When you have so much to work through, it can seem scary. But what test a person's character is what she/he does when fear overwhelms them. That could mean different things to different people, y'know? So, do what you think is best because you can always change your mind.
from cloudy-night :
So you want to be a member of the work force and can't decide? Hmmm, you should just get something part time. There's nothing wrong with testing the water.
from writergrrl88 :
I vote for not getting a job, but taking up a hobby.
from cloudy-night :
Hey Em, what's going on? I miss you too. Sorry it has taken so long to send a reply. Seems like I don't check my notes as much anymore. I hope we can get in contact soon. I will be on hotmail and/or skype Sunday. Hope to see you, but if not, I'll definitely email you.
from atwowaydream :
i just meant that in the future, with whomever you meet, not neccessarily the friends you have now. it sounds like you guys are awesome. (and thank you, by the way.)
from atwowaydream :
some of the best friendships I've maintained tend to be less about religion and wildness, and more about compassion and reciprocation.
from writergrrl88 :
Generally, people who become preoccupied with Christianity and allow it to change their day-to-day lives (such as not drinking, judging your friends for being "wild," etc.) don't have a lot of friends. No one wants to feel judged, and Christianity, by definition, is all about judging others. You can be religious without allowing it to turn you into a robot, which it sounds like you're in danger of becoming. Partying and being wild is a way to be closer to your friends -- and, since you can hang out with Jesus for the afternoon when you're lonely -- I suggest going with the flow with your social group, lest you lose them.
from atwowaydream :
"I told God that love and being a good person is what's important" -that's absolutely what it's all about. I certainly understand what you're going through, and I send you nothing but well wishes.
from atwowaydream :
may I have a password?
from razor-vixen :
sorry things went so badly but it really sounds like this chick has major issues. You don't need the hassle. Try to move past it; you will end up finding someone great!
from writergrrl88 :
If a single god exists, he or she wouldn't care about one's sexuality or gender identification, as long as one is good to others. However, since religions want to brainwash people, they like to make people thing they have to do/believe certain things to be loved by a god -- just because that's a way to control people. Organized religion just wants to control people -- you're smart, you don't need to give in and become a sheep.
from cloudy-night :
So out of respect and empathy, you're not going to go too far with anyone else - that's good. Seems like talking is the best way to clear things up at times. That's awesome EM!
from fragilegirl8 :
Yes....you are right. I am tired of dating. I wish I could find "the one".
from cloudy-night :
I don't think so. She's wrestling between the two of you and she expects you two to just wait on pins and needles? You had a life before her and you have to continue to live it. I like the fact that you are being honest with everyone involved, that's awesome!
from razor-vixen :
I don't know. I would be put off by being told it's between me and someone else, as well as what I'm "allowed" to do or not. I guess if you really like this girl, wait it out. If you're not sure, keep looking!
from enurta :
He should be locked up. He is a danger to others and himself. I hope he gets the help he needs. I didnt read the entry that upset my friend koorikaze, A is being a coward as usual so everything is deleted. I wish he could just forget about us and go on with his life. But he is obsessed. The girlfriend story is fake as well. He lies about everything. I think you should be careful. He cannot be trusted. Hes a pathological liar, to be honest, he scares me. And he is spreading lies about me and others all over the internet. I dont care, because I know the truth, but whatever. Unfortunately, people are getting hurt because of him and his stupid actions. And that makes me furious. I could ring his neck, I swear. Id rather have him only talk shit about me instead of talking trash about friends of mine.
from fragilegirl8 :
:) Thanks. I needed to hear that.
from cloudy-night :
Change happens. At times, it's slow and steady and at other times, it's fast, wild, and highly unpredictable. But I'm happy that things are going so well and I'm happy that M is such a nice person.
from enurta :
have you tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? it's supposed to help people who self-harm. it's also especially good for people who suffer from borderline. what is your diagnosis? are you seeing a therapist? *hugs*
from enurta :
Your body is a gift from god. You should take good care of it, and no matter what, never harm it. I know its tough, Ive been a cutter too. But I promise you, if you stay self-harm free for a couple of months, you will see this problem in a whole other light. Its been so long since Ive cut that when I feel the urge to do it, I think no! Ive worked too hard! I will not fuck up, not now. Its just not worth it. I binge and purge, guess that counts as self harm also, but Im trying really hard to get better. And so should you. Because you are a beautiful, kind and loving girl. I know you can do it! Blessed be. *hugs*
from enurta :
hi hun, what I meant was, did something happen to make you want to cut?
from writergrrl88 :
Why worry about your sleep schedule? Does it really matter if you sleep from night to morning or from late-late night to afternoon? Ultimately, if you're more of a night person, just give in.
from enurta :
you should always, always take your meds. no matter what. it's a life or death situation, at least for me. I never ever skip my meds! because it fucks everything up. I'm really worried about you. why did you cut? *hugs*
from bliss-sad :
Yay for things coming together!!!
from cloudy-night :
That's great, I'm happy that the situation has been taken care of. You shouldn't feel any guilt, your dad offered to help and if didn't want to, he wouldn't have. I hope everything works out for you Em.
from razor-vixen :
Honestly, don't feel guilty for taking your dad's help. He wouldn't have offered if he couldn't do it. I've taken help from my parents many times and I'm....much older than you, lol! Let him help you be successful, there's no shame in it!
from enurta :
great news! I'm happy for you. You're lucky to have such a kind and caring father :) *hugs*
from bliss-sad :
God, Depression is just one of the most all-consuming awful things in the whole world! I hope that it loosens it's grip on you soon, doll. Sending you all the love and good energy that I am capable of! Just remember, this, too, shall pass!
from enurta :
you*
from enurta :
'I'm thinking of calling the crisis line just to talk to someone, but I'm afraid they might hospitalize me' I really should call them if you feel that you cannot trust yourself and your own judgement. I usually avoid the crisis line because they have no solutions, they just want to lock me up....but at least it's better than harming yourself/killing yourself. but they give weird advice sometimes. I remember I called them once about a year ago because I wanted to cut and their advice was 'watch some tv and eat a sandwich' I was like EXCUSE ME? WTF? but it can't be easy for them either....anyway, hope you'll be ok. *hugs*
from enurta :
I totally agree. *hugs*
from enurta :
Thanks for the note, you are right. He loves me. V doesnt. N has gotten some counseling but that was years ago, and he stopped because he said nobody can really understand how hard it is to live with someone who suffers from schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder and bulimia. Its just too much. The therapist he saw about a year ago didnt even have any advice to give him, because our situation is so complicated. He has gone with me a couple of times to *my* therapist, and afterwards he felt like he understood me better. But he works too much at the moment to have time to go with me or see someone. He is working hard to he can get permanent employment, after all, I cant work and Im on disability. I get 600 dollars a month, thats it. He needs his job. And besides, he firmly believes that no stranger can explain to him how to deal with me, because weve been together for ten years already. He understands me more than anyone. Sure, he says it would feel good to see someone and get things off his chest but he doesnt have the time to do so.
from enurta :
congrats sweetie! you should celebrate ;) *hugs*
from bliss-sad :
You're ALWAYS welcome to email me at nicholeia@hotmail.com -- I use MSN whenever I'm home and alone and not busy, so that's a good way too. Don't be shy! Everyone needs somebody, man. =)
from enurta :
I think religions can be dangerous, that why I keep an open mind. I just believe in a higher power, that we humans call 'god'. I make my own rules, I believe in karma though. If you are evil, it will come back to haunt you, if you are good, then good things will happen. Maybe not in this life, but in the after-life.
from anainsight :
listen sweetie - PLEASE, PLEASE read Rob Bell's new book "Love Wins" before you get disillusioned about religion - unfortunately many Christian denominations just don't GET it - get the book and tell me how you like it... here's hoping it will do you as much good as it's doing me now!!!
from enurta :
Im curious about your thoughts about Christianity and homosexuality. Do all Christians believe that being gay is a sin? Does your family know you are gay? Are they religious? How about church, do you go every Sunday? Does the people in church know you are gay? Ive just wondered about this a lot. I believe in God, but not in any particular religion, because nothing suits me. It seems every religion has some flaw I cant ignore
from bliss-sad :
I read an article once that suggested gender identity wasn't the black and white that we perceive it to be. Take a look at the case of intersex individuals--there are varying degrees of male and female qualities present in each. Sexuality and gender identify exist in several shades of grey--you don't belong in a box, man. You're extraordinary, and you deserve something extreme and awesome and exciting. Maybe that's why you chase girls that are "challenging". If you ever wanted to talk, you could talk to me. I'm a good listener. =) Sending love!
from moonlit-eyes :
Psst! May I please get your username and password?
from bliss-sad :
Your 4/27 entry was inspirational. I love your attitude!! You are going to go places, my friend!!!
from bliss-sad :
Ick! I know how you feel about dying to start fresh in September! Something about the Winter semester leaves me listless and uninspired and lazy! I hope the med changes help a lot, doll! You are fantastic!
from anainsight :
Good luck sweetie - so sorry I haven't been around but I just spent another 16 days inpatient in the hospital.... I don't ever want to have to go back in again. Hope you're doing well, I like your new layout! Take care and God bless!!!
from writergrrl88 :
We have an online friend in common, and I love the description of your diary. May I read you?
from enurta :
Good luck! *hugs*
from enurta :
wow, food bank, that sounds pretty convenient. but hun, why would *anyone* think less about you just because you have to go to a foodbank? life is tough, but remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! also, too bad it was closed today. why not ask a parent for a little money? I know it can be embarrassing but sometimes we have to swallow our pride and ask others for help, it doesn't mean you are a mooch. you are just struggling to make ends meet. *hugs*
from bliss-sad :
I like the new layout! Sounds like it's been stressful, sending you lots of positive energy!
from enurta :
I think your new templete is pretty cool :) it's kind of dark, but it sucks you in - you want to read even more...haha, sorry if I made no sense. also, I know how hard it can be to get on a bus, or the subway, I totally understand. so i think you should be really proud of yourself. but what is a foodbank? *hugs*
from enurta :
Too bad you don't like tea....but there is something else you can try, warm milk with a teaspoon of honey before going to bed. *hugs*
from enurta :
have you tried drinking camomile tea before going to bed? that always works for me, it calms me down and I don't get nightmares.
from acuteapathy :
what's your login info? just happened to cross your diary.
from cloudy-night :
Hey, long time no hear. That song was beautiful. It takes a long time to heal and I think you are doing well, considering the circumstances. I hope school is still going well and I will talk to you soon. Just been trying to get a few things done.
from journalmine :
I can't answer for the other, but he's been threatening for years to call my husband at his job and tell him . . . well, he never actually said what he planned to tell him. He just kept threatening to "tell all" and that he had "ammunition" and that I'd better "remember" that he does. I have never texted him, chatted with him on any instant messaging/video services, never had any form of cybersex with him, there are no nude pics of me, I've never written him by snail mail, never sent any audio files of myself. I've only ever emailed him, and I can't remember anything inappropriate I might have said. I don't know if his goal is to try to get my husband to lose his job or to cause a divorce. He wrote to me, using my husband's first and last name, and said he had the work number and was going to call and tell him everything about "us." And that's just one of the things he's done. He threatened to call the cops and sue me for telling people (what people?) that he was a pedophile and children in his neighborhood were not safe from him. I didn't even know that he lived in a neighborhood, or if children lived near him. I'd never said anything of the sort. On another occasion, he accused me of being a f------ witch who had used my magic to cause all the problems he'd EVER had in his life. I don't practice magic. Of course, he deleted that entry later and claimed he'd never said it. However, several had seen it, so he changed his story to "I don't remember saying that." He also claimed to have found "Andy + (or "loves," I can't remember) Raen" carved into a sidewalk near where he lived, and naturally believed that I'd actually hired someone to play emotional mind tricks on him. He has caused me A LOT of stress. I could go on, but I won't. I wasn't the first, and hardly the last. We simply fear you're next. You and possibly one or two others. You see, I once warned Neko and Enurta. It was around that time that three other young women contacted me with their stories of abuse from him.
from enurta :
Your name is Emily, right? You are gay, right? A certain someone likes to fantasize about a threesome with you and another girl. I think you know who Im talking about. He is not who he seems to be. He is lying to you, taking advantage of you. Im just here to warn you. You can do whatever you want after reading this note, but he *is* a pervert. Its all about sex with him. All about sex. Take care of yourself and be careful. I dont want the same thing that happened to me, neko and raen happen to you too.
from minstrelite :
That was a beautiful prayer. I know how it feels to be in the presence of the Spirit. It's also great that your Dad has found a new companion. I think it will be all right for me to leave you a note, as long as I create it on Notepad first, and paste it into the notes form without hesitation. I've been writing all my emails on Notepad too, and it helps. This way I am less likely to click on send before realizing I will regret it later. It adds a few more steps to the procedure. Anyway, I look forward to talking with you on Skype come Friday, and thank you once again for everything. You are a true friend.
from journalmine :
I hope you have a lot of forgiveness in you. You may just need it. I couldn't now tell you how many times I and others have forgiven him. But I do wish you luck. Maybe you won't have to go through what we have. I hope not, anyway. :-) Take care.
from journalmine :
Fair enough. But let me say that I can think of three other young women who had the exact same response years ago. They are now victims. We're cool. No worries. Just be careful. I was thinking of you just now when I got the note notification. :-)
from raen :
I apologize if this contact is unwelcome. I just want to say be careful with *him*. The "cruel ones" he wrote of are certainly myself and another I likely need not name. We are not cruel. We are the victims, and we're fed up. I've been dealing with this since I was in my 20's. At this point, I feel he'll always follow me. I won't bother you again after this if you do not wish it. I just wanted you to be aware. A stranger who'd had the same experiences with *him* once contacted me through notes about *him*, and I was thankful to her for reaching out to me. I only seek to do the same for another. Feel free to email me if you wish. Thanks for listening. ~Raen/JournalMine
from minstrelite :
I think my last note might have been a bit harsh, and it was definitely somewhat desperate. I have been slowly realizing that I involved you, with whom I have always been truthful, in a gigantic lie that I began to promulgate long ago. At my worst, I actually believed my own lie. The only thing I can do now is to tell the truth, and hope that the ring of truth will prevail over the now obvious presentation of the lie. Please check your email when you can.
from minstrelite :
Emily, I can't leave notes here having to see notes from people who were recently so incredibly cruel to me acting as though everything is fine. This medium did not exist when I grew up and I am not facile with it. If we can still be friends, it has to be on Messenger or Skype. However, my diary is unlocked and you or anyone else is free to read it. I am glad you didn't cut.
from koorikaze :
Aw, thank you. That note really made my day. :)
from bliss-sad :
Thank you so much for the note you left; it truely made my day!! I hope all is going well for you. Someday, if it's not too much to ask, I'd love to have a peek into your head. =) Sending you lots of good energy and love!
from minstrelite :
Please forgive my "moment." I've never been mad at you. I sent you an email. I don't remember what I said in the email, but I know it was true, because I don't lie. It's just that my memory is failing me. I didn't remember what I wrote until I went back and read it. That was after I sent you the email, and now I don't know why everybody was all ticked off. Obviously, this is a big misunderstanding. I'll delete the entry if it makes things better, but I sure hope that you and I remain friends.
from minstrelite :
Read it again. It's not a statement about me at all. Isn't that obvious???
from minstrelite :
Glad your dad is OK. :)
from minstrelite :
I'm worried that you might not get to sleep now that you napped in the afternoon. It's too bad that happened. Maybe they will kick that guy out.
from minstrelite :
Great that your schedule has gotten back in sync with the Universe. This also has happened to me within the past four or five days. I really think we do function better on a reasonably regular schedule. I wouldn't trip if you still have to take naps for a while. Anyway, it's good to hear you are doing well, and hope to talk with you soon.
from minstrelite :
Wow, Emily that's great -- your week was kinda the opposite of mine. I'm doing well now though. But that's great that you stayed focused and got to all your classes and slept well. It does seem a miracle, considering all the obstacles. I hope this keeps up.
from fragilegirl8 :
:)
from cloudy-night :
Yo Em, it's been quite a while hasn't it? I know how that sleep thing goes, but the only answer I can give you is to wait until the weekend and stay awake all day. I mean if you're up Friday night, stay up all Saturday until around 10:00 or 11:00 pm. Then set your alarm for six to eight hours and place the alarm at least thirty feet away so you will have to walk to turn it off on Sunday morning. If you do this, it should help. You're doing well, don't give up!
from minstrelite :
Did you uninstall Skype or something? I just installed it on my new system, but for some reason you aren't on the list. I hope I didn't offend you.
from minstrelite :
That's great that your presetation went all right. Projection can be gained. Some people find it helps to picture a very distant point, and speak to a hypothetical person at that point. It sort of depends on why you're not projecting. These are things that voice and speech teachers deal with all the time. Anyway, glad it went well. + I got the sound fixed. There's a toggle button above the keyboard that turns the sound on and off. I'd forgotten about that. + I'll install Skype on the new system once I remember how. I'm writing with it, sitting in bed -- that's a first, for a long time. It will be fun to have a functional laptop again. And now I can forgive the guy more easily.
from minstrelite :
I hope you're all right.
from minstrelite :
Good luck, Emily! I'll be eager to see how it goes. :)
from minstrelite :
Here's the order of what people fear the most, according to one survey: 1. Fear of public speaking (Glossophobia) 2. Fear of death (Necrophobia) 3. Fear of spiders (Arachnophobia) 4. Fear of darkness (Achluophobia, Scotophobia or Myctophobia) 5. Fear of heights (Acrophobia) 6. Fear of people or social situations (Sociophobia) 7. Fear of flying (Aerophobia) 8. Fear of open spaces (Agoraphobia) 9. Fear of thunder and lightning (Brontophobia) 10. Fear of confined spaces (Claustrophobia) - So most people would rather die than have to face public speaking. Not sure if this was helpful, but maybe it would help to read up on how not to be afraid in such situations. I don't know.
from minstrelite :
I personally would not pay the VISA bill in full, but split it over, say, three months while curtailing your usage of the card. In programs like Debtors Anonymous, paying anything off in full is almost never recommended, because it only represents the other side of the "coin" (no pun intended.) It's just another extreme, and to think that way is only another part of the debtor/under-earner/impulse-shopper mentality. But we should please skype sometime, I know you don't judge me but I've got stuff in my head these days. I'm studying the Five Warnings from the "partaker" perspective right now (neither Arminian nor Calvinist), and it is making sense to me, and also helping.
from minstrelite :
Sounds like you've been taking care of business. Good luck with the rest.
from minstrelite :
That's great that you feel you're ready for church. I'm sorry I didn't get on for Skype today. I had a big computer issue where the speakers kept putting out constant feedback, even with the volume all the way down, and even after I'd disabled all the audio devices. It's fixed now, but it might have had to do with the microphone. I need to run some more diagnostics before I talk on VoIP again. Sounds like you will make it to church tomorrow - glad you got it all planned out. :)
from anainsight :
I just wanted to let you know that if you believe that Jesus Christ is the son of the living God and accept and believe in your heart that He died for your sin, then you are not "among the wicked" - remember that in the Old Testament, God gave the Law to hold up a mirror to ourselves and we would know that we could never be righteous, be perfect. But He had a plan all along - He sent Jesus to earth to die for us and fulfill the Law. All you need to do is to believe that in your heart, and apart from that, "continue to do good and worship God through Jesus Christ" - what else can you do but the best you can do? And by the way, you can wear yourself out trying to please God, but you're never going to please him by "doing" good things. The reason you're not going to be able to is that Christ did it all on the cross. All you have to do is believe it and thank Him and rest in His love. The reason I'm able to tell you all this is because I recently got a new therapist - he's a Christian and he has been working so hard to bring me back to Christ. That's why I've been learning all about this, and I'm so grateful I get to share it with you. Keep reading the Bible and praying.... and read Romans chapters 1-12 over and over again, word for word - and I think you'll eventually stop wanting to cut. It's working for me, slowly but surely every day. Keeping you in my prayers - many hugs!!!!
from minstrelite :
I don't think it is so much a matter of being harder on yourself, as it is of learning to love the period of pausing and thinking things through more than you love the rush of instant gratification. To do so is Wisdom. The author of the Proverbs tells us that Wisdom is more desirable than anything else that we can desire: "She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace." (Oriverbs 3:15-17) I'm not saying this to try and bust your resolve, but to suggest that you can make things easier on yourself, and stand a better chance of achieving your desired result. After all, in your heart of hearts, you *do* desire to gain Wisdom, which will lead you somewhere; more than you desire to gratify all these other desires, which ultimately take you nowhere. So I think you can rest in that knowledge. In my experience, being hard on yourself doesn't work. Ultimately, it only brings more guilt.
from enurta :
thanks for the note. about your dream, I got all teary eyed after reading about it. it must have been really painful for you. *hugs*
from minstrelite :
I don't know how to contact them either. I would think there is a way, though.
from minstrelite :
What I wonder is why you don't just get a busy signal in situations like that.
from enurta :
I don't understand, why did u skip taking your meds? that usually fucks up everything. I never, ever skip my meds. I even have to take them the same time every night/morning/afternoon. too bad you harmed yourself, I wish you hadn't done that but...guess it's too late now. I don't think cutting feels good, I think we trick ourselves into thinking that because we (mentally ill), think we are good for nothing and deserve what's coming. *hugs*
from minstrelite :
I didn't see the part about the cutting last night before we talked. Maybe that was the later edit - anyway, I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. I don't know much about it, but I DOUBT SERIOUSLY if it has anything to do either with demonic possession or demonic oppression. I don't know about a chemical imbalance - I'm not a doctor. Other people who cut report the same feelings afterwards that you describe. It reminds me of people who use drugs, or when say I used to smoke pot. I don't think it's related to a physiological imbalance so much as that you were feeling very depressed and self-critical, and you desired to change your state of mind. This is why people use drugs and alcohol, and who is to say which is more dangerous - I would guess it is a matter of degrees. I'm only glad you are OK.
from anainsight :
Please, please don't buy into that crap about you having evil inside of you.... if you are a believer in Christ as the son of the Living God, you have Christ inside you, and Christ and the devil cannot exist in the same body. Your problem is depression, no more, no less - and that is a chemical imbalance. It was this kind of sick thinking that would have caused you to be burned as a witch as little as 500 years ago. PLEASE, don't buy that crap. I will keep you in my prayers - and contact me on Yahoo Messenger one of these days - I've got to tell you what I've been going through. Take care and Many Hugs!!!
from minstrelite :
Sounds like you had a really great day! I'm happy for you. :-)
from minstrelite :
I think it's good that they didn't alter the meds. I'm thinking back to when my Mom died. There was a weird situation in which, the very morning of the day she was to die, I requested to be switched from 2400mg of Neurontin which was giving me back-aches and making me fat, and causing me not to be able to feel things properly, taste my morning coffee, appreciate the sunset, and so forth; back to 6mg of klonopin, telling them I was already paying out of pocket to get the klonopin (clonazepam) from an outside source. They agreed, and then my Mom died that afternoon - which of course I did not know would happen. So the whole time I was trying to grieve, I was also on the clonazepam, which also left me out of touch with my feelings, although the back pain and the weight gain ceased. That's when I had the first-time Manic Episode - I think it started that very day, and I don't think it would have happened if it hadn't been for the med switch. In other words, not only did I *not* grieve, but I had a Manic Episode in its place. I really should write a book. But anyway, I don't think *everything* is worse for you, Emily. It just seems that way. Take heart.
from fragilegirl8 :
:) Thanks for the note. I'm sure love when come when I least exspect it....I hope so anyways.
from minstrelite :
That's one of my favorite Psalms. Also, maybe we can have a kind of a Bible study later. I missed church because A.G. overslept. He's awake now but hasn't said anything about it, and I am a little disgruntled. I think I am going to look for a place in the Village. I don't like the idea of having to go to a different church just because of the distance, and because I can't count on my ride to wake up on Sunday mornings. And I don't like being dependent on anyone else to get me to church in the first place. Anyway, that was a great entry - I like all the stuff you wrote at the bottom. It reminds me to take the 'high road' too -- in the situation I just described, for example. If I know that this is what God wants me to do, it makes it easier on me, because it doesn't make me feel like so much of a doormat.
from minstrelite :
Beautiful entry. I love the verse: "Those who look to him are radiant." (5a) - Jesus did say that we are the "lights of the world." And in James, God is referred to as the "father of lights." There's something about the usage of the word "radiant" in this context that I find really inspiring. Thanks for this -
from minstrelite :
Good luck! I'll be rooting for you. :)
from minstrelite :
When I get like that, I find it helps to take three deep breaths, then quietly say the Serenity Prayer, then take three more deep breaths. It's amazingly effective. But in your case, it sounds as though you need to get regular with the Lexapro as well. That, and anxiety over BB coming over, might be the main factors. But you'll be less anxious over the latter if you focus on the two formers.
from minstrelite :
I was upset when I wrote that. I think at times like that, I confuse my own frustration for God getting mad at me. Writing the music is a good thing, not a bad thing. One thing I do think, however, is that I need to learn how to let go when things are going wrong. Sometimes it makes more sense to get some sleep than anything else - especially if it becomes six-thirty in the morning and I'm still trying to "get it right." Also, it may help if I get organized. I told myself on the trip to the South Bay and back today that if I worked again tonight, I would work on the next logical thing first (the next number), rather than continue trying to tweak the one I sent you the other day. It was pretty complete as it is, and I'll never get anywhere by overkill.
from minstrelite :
I can't sleep either. I discovered this huge error in my work -- it's a huge setback. I don't know what to do about it, or how to work around it. I've been trying to be patient with the fact that life doesn't seem to grant me enough space to be able to work on my project, but this is just horrible. The thing is, it's got me all pent up, and my landlord again asked me to go down to the South Bay to pick up some more weight training equipment. Doesn't he have any friends? I said yes, and I have to abide by that, but if it hadn't been for the fact that I worked for ten hours on my project tonight without getting anything accomplished at all, I wouldn't be resentful over the fact that my Sunday afternoon and evening are being robbed from me. He keeps fiddling with his weight lifting machines, selling them, and buying new ones - that's fine. But it's his hobby, not mine. I'm just renting a room here. I know it's late, and I'll probably see things differently in the morning, if I can ever get to sleep. I kind of feel like God has abandoned me too - I really had been pretty content lately, and thankful, and I really don't want to slip back into the awful frame of mind from which I think that God is some kind of monster up there, sadistically playing with my head, and messing with the human race in general, at humanity's expense. It's been a long time since that kind of thinking has plagued me, but when it returns, I can't even *remember* what Christianity is really all about, and how inspired I felt last night when we were talking. I think you felt it too. I know that it's a test, and that it's unrealistic to think that we will always feel the Spirit, and that faith isn't about feeling in the first place. Faith is about faith. I just wish He'd chosen some time to test me other than three-thirty in the morning, because there's nothing I can do other than pace the floor and feel my heart pounding. I guess I'll go to 7/11 a second time for food, maybe if I eat something soft, I can calm down and sleep. Maybe God doesn't want me to write this music. It's crossed my mind. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree...
from minstrelite :
Thanks for noting me back. Yeah, I can see how those cabs would run up a huge cost. I could never fit cab rides into my current efforts to live entirely off of my disability. But you on the right track by being aware of the problem, which is the first step. I believe that you will soon discover tools to deal with it. + Just talked with Echo or 52 minutes on Skype - only typing though, as she was without a microphone. It was great! She has a new boyfriend and is happy. But the whole time, I was concealing paranoid over a strange thing I discovered earlier tonight. I am still processing it. I'll tell you about it later.
from minstrelite :
"The only good thing going in my life is that I'm still making it to all my classes and finishing all my homework on time." But that's HUGE, Emily. That's more than just a randomly all right thing, especially while you're having all those sleep issues that can be such a deterrent to getting to places on time. I admit I became really concerned at the first part of your entry and tried to get ahold of you again on Skype, but then after you weren't there I read the rest of the entry and am relieved. I will pray about this issue, as I am going through it too, though not with the huge set of responsibilities that you are facing right now. I'm concerned, for example, that I won't be able to fit my run in tomorrow because I promised my landlord I would make a long trip with him to a distant city to pick up some weight training equipment. That might also be an issue of my simply not saying "no" earlier. I want to get to Bible Study on time tomorrow night. Anyway, there is stuff flying through my brain right now on about five or six different levels, so I will try and update. I did hear from my daughter, so that is good.
from minstrelite :
I've been having sleep issues as well. As you might have noticed, you can never tell these days at what hour I will be awake and at what hour I will be asleep. I think it stems from the recent trauma, when I was out in the cold for several days unable to find a shelter where they would accept me (or a hospital where they would accept me), and seemed to be getting cold responses from friends and family members at the same time. I need a therapist too, or trauma counseling for PTSD. However, in my case it's not such a critical issue as with you, because being "semi-retired" (for lack of a better way to put it), I don't really need to adhere to any specific schedule. That's the saving grace. I'll try and catch you on Skype again. Been missing you...
from minstrelite :
Hey thanks for posting Psalm 19. That's one of my favorite Psalms, but just now I read it again for the first time in a long time. It really helps me to put me to put things into perspective. Thank you.
from minstrelite :
I wonder what it is. Are you a person who falls asleep easily sometimes and has difficulty falling asleep at other times? Is your biological clock irregular maybe?
from enurta :
Well, plain and simple I see it like this: people who dont believe in God/a higher power think that you only live once and that everything is basically meaningless. But dreams, are so vivid, and they always mean something, which to me, prove that God exists. How does someone without faith explain a dream that also happens in real life? It is proof that this life is a test, that the real life begins after death, and that God exists or whatever you want to call him, he has many names. Jesus/Buddah/Allah/Jahve.
from enurta :
Every dream means something. Its also Gods way of telling us something important. Have you ever had a dream that has happened in real life? I have, several times. I don't understand people who don't believe in God, our dreams are proof that he exists.
from enurta :
I think your dream means that you'd rather hurt yourself than anyone else. even if that person has been awful to you. but that's just my two cents...*hugs*
from minstrelite :
Well, some of that is just what works best for me personally. Some people are just "night people" and they get their best stuff done in the long wee hours, partly because there's no pressure. It's also kind of fun to watch the sky get light and see the sun come up. But whenever *I* do that, I find I am too burned out the next day to really function. I think that, for me, the combination of being an early riser, and allowing myself the liberty of taking one or two "power naps" during the day (even a lengthy one, schedule permitting), works best. + My dad has been on my mind a lot lately. Not sure why. He died two months before Echo was born.
from minstrelite :
It does help to get up earlier than you are wont to do, and then do something fun or positive right off the bat. What you do and think and feel at the day's start sets the tone for the entire day. Also, by getting up an hour or even a half hour earlier, you will not be in such a rush to get to the bus stop, and you are far less likely to be late. My Dad taught me to get up two hours before I had to be at school (which was a 20 minute walk at the time.) I like to get up at least three hours before anybody else is up. My Dad taught me that one gets their best work done in the early morning hours, and I have found that to be the case. At least, for me this is true.
from minstrelite :
I need to start reading the Bible more often. I pray when I take my nightly walk, and Scriptures come to mind, getting me to think that I'll open it up as soon as I get home, but I rarely if ever do. I said I read a chapter of Proverbs every morning, but I'm not really doing that these days either. + You wouldn't believe how much pizza I ate last year, since Tony always let me order a pizza, and the hotel got them at half-price. + Cabs can be horribly expensive. I've fallen into that, too, when I've really needed to be somewhere on time and I missed a bus. Good luck with that.
from minstrelite :
I'm writing here again (Minstrelite) instead. Ask me for the password.
from shanmeid :
hey :) I'd like to read .... mail me shanmeidesigns@gmail.com
from enurta :
happy birthday!! *hugs*
from fragilegirl8 :
Happy Birthday! From one December birthday to another :)
from enurta :
hey, i wasn't offended at all. i just thought your entry was interesting :) *hugs*
from enurta :
Well, I think it *is* psychosis. Even though I believe demons exist. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, because I hear voices all the time. My mother who is very religious is convinced it is demons I hear, and that V is a demon that possesses my body from time to time. I dont know what to believe. I know V is a demon, but Im not so sure about the voices. And about medication, medication has given me my life back! I was psychotic 24/7 before I started taking medsthere was no way to communicate with me. I was completely gone. Kind of scary to think about. But like I said earlier, I am very confused about my illness. But I do believe V is a demon.
from musikoid :
The Commandments themselves in the O.T. didn't broaden the definitions of adultery, idolatry, and murder; but these were statements Jesus made in Matthew Five. I think the point is that we miss the mark and fall short of God' glory at the slightest of sins, even in the thought life; and that Jesus died for these sins no less and no more than he died for the 'real' murders and cheating and lying and all that. The Word says that even our righteousness and our efforts to do good are as "filthy rags" in the eyes of a totally holy God. Jesus died for things we can't even imagine, yet we did them all the same, and he had to die for them. He did it to satisfy the requirements of a holy God whose requirements none of us can satisfy. When you really come to grasp that this is what it means to be forgiven, it is the most awesome experience you can ever have.
from fragilegirl8 :
I have lots of questions myself...but remember we all fall short and we all sin. We are not perfect. As long as we accept Christ and try ...I think we are covered. Again I am sorry for your loss and I wish you a Merry Christmas.
from enurta :
stay strong, keep fighting! <3 god loves us all!
from musikoid :
That reminds me somewhat of my Dad's funeral. A huge number of people showed up, since he had connected with so many different groups and clubs, had also gone to college after he got out of the Navy, so there were people from the school, people from the Navy, and all kinds of people like ham radio operators, astronomers, geologists, it was really a trip. His best friend from the Navy told a funny story about him. It also reminds me of my friend Phil's step-dad's funeral, where a bunch of us told "Don" stories. I had one where Don and I had argued one year over the English language proposition -- it was really funny but you kind of had to be there. I think your attitude is exemplary. It's amazing how much this experience has shown you that you can face life's difficulties head-on and not be afraid. And as you said, you can now look forward to a pure and perfect, peaceful relationship with your Step-Mom in eternity. I think we can all comfort ourselves, and each other, with that hope.
from musikoid :
That was an amazing entry (about the Visitation.) It's amazing how events like the death of a loved one can help us to put things into perspective and bring us closer to God.
from musikoid :
That was an amazing entry (about the Visitation.) It's amazing how events like the death of a loved one can help us to put things into perspective and bring us closer to God.
from cloudy-night :
Your step-mom died?! I'm so sorry to hear that, you have my deepest sympathies. I know that you probably feel so conflicted at a time like this. I hope that you're online tonight. Hope we can chat later on tonight via skype or msn. So sorry to hear that, hope you and your father and the rest of your family are all okay.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey. Obviously it's been a while (you changed your password) butI'd love to read again. What is it now?
from fragilegirl8 :
I am sorry for your loss.
from enurta :
omg, i just read your dairy. I'm so sorry sweetie...she is in a better place now. I'll pray for you, your family and especially for your step-mom. you are in my thoughts. *hugs*
from razor-vixen :
I'm so sorry about your step-mom. Don't let guilt keep you down; be a better person & make your life a good one in honour of her.
from enurta :
thank you for reading, and also, thanks for the note. yeah I've gotten a lot better, I've come a long way. It's like I'm not the same person who first started writing in this diary.
from musikoid :
That's intense about your Step-Mom. I'll definitely pray. Maybe God is summoning you, not only to forgive her, but to spend some quality time with her. Maybe she has changed? I'll definitely pray.
from musikoid :
My depakote levels are back to normal, as of the last check, and I am beginning to make more reasonable decisions. I really feel badly about the whole 5150 thing. It hurt me a lot too, since I was indiscreet about personal information I posted on my Facebook. Your entry was encouraging. It reminded me that I am also a person who can overcome great odds. Not that we should *want* their to be great odds, but since there so often are, it's good to know that we are overcomers. I've been compared to Johnny Appleseed sometimes too, usually after they ask where I'm from. After admitting that I've never had a home town and have traveled around all my life, allegedly planting seeds of good cheer, they make a comment similar to what they said to you. You and I do have some things in common, you know. We're survivors, for one thing. :)
from blackmambo :
Im glad youre feeling better. Keep busy and ignore those negative thoughts.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry to have alarmed you. I'm all right in that department. I am just driving the homeless train as hard as I can to stay out of the cold, that's all. I couldn't figure out an easier way to get 5150'd than to involve the cops. It was high drama. They were taking pictures of me and everything. I kind of enjoyed it, to tell the truth. Seriously, it was mostly the depakote levels being low. My decision-making capacity got a little bit warped there for a while. I'm getting better, slowly.
from musikoid :
Did I send thje key to get in?
from cloudy-night :
congrats on the ninety percent, effin sweet! so, you're back on track, eh? keep it up!
from musikoid :
Sorry, I forgot to comment on the thing about friends never returning calls and emails -- I think that in some cases, the friend is a true friend but just gets used to me always being the one who initiates any contact; but that in other cases, I really am better off to 'take the hint' and just stop bugging all these people. You'd probably sort of have to be inside of me to know what the experience is like.
from musikoid :
Uh - Luke 18:1-8 but surely you know how to google. :)
from musikoid :
The Parable of the Unjust Judge. You can never bother God too much, sister!
from cloudy-night :
We all fall off the horse every once in a while. And the best thing we can do for ourselves is to hop back on, regardless of how we feel. You have to remember why you're going to school, you have to remember what you want and focus on that. You can have your cake and eat it too, but you have to have a little control and do so in moderation. Otherwise, you'll trip up and I don't want to see you trip up. I want you to be happy, so go for broke!
from fragilegirl8 :
:) Thanks
from fragilegirl8 :
I'm unlocked.
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for your prayers and thanks for the support! They are okay. Sad thing is, things happen like what happen to them all the time. What a world we live in, things can only get better!
from cloudy-night :
I'm so happy that things are going well for you. Keep it up. :)
from fragilegirl8 :
Satan loves it when we question our faith.
from xeison :
i meant to leave you a note a long time ago, but i havent really been myself lately and so it didnt end up happening. In your last two notes to me, you said that you were a coward towards life, and i was going to respond to that in particular, but it doesnt seem like i have to. After all, you seem to be doing quite a good job approaching college and seem to have made some new Friends as well. Also, although i do not know what happened between you two, i think it is very mature and courageous of you to want to try and be civil and forgiving to your Stepmother. As for the other note you left me, thank you for saying what you said. Still, i do feel i owe the world an apology; ive screwed up too much for it not to be the case. Anyways, i hope your midterms went well.
from musikoid :
I didn't realize I was locked. I've taken care of that now. You will know my email address upon reading my entry.
from musikoid :
Maybe you will let me have your password. If you're not sure, read my entry first.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well. Seems like someone is always testing our patience. Things will get better.
from cloudy-night :
Happy to hear that you had an awesome Thanksgiving! I agree with you, no one says what they're grateful for anymore. I think that will be a great tradition to start when you start a family and you will start one. Later.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks! I just read your current post and I plan on reading more. I was seeing a counselor one at one time but quit. I think I am gonna try to start that back again. When I was seeing the counselor one of my assignments was to also go to a church. I don't think I did though. My social anxiety holds me back.
from cloudy-night :
Yes, Flyleaf was awesome. I'm so in love with Lacy now, she is just so sweet and down to earth! I wish you could have seen the show, it was great!
from fragilegirl8 :
Thank you! I am glad it made you smile. It is a powerful video. I often listen to it from time to time. May I read your diary, so that I may learn about you?
from razor-vixen :
Maybe someone had a talk with her? Let her be nice, but you don't have to go further than that. You don't have to try to get close with her again. I'm sure what happened to you really happened that way; maybe SHE wants to change?
from cloudy-night :
A conundrum, indeed. Let your heart guide you, it won't steer you wrong. Oh and we'll chat on skype some other time, okay? :)
from cloudy-night :
See how things work out at times, your bus was uber late, but you made a new friend. Life is strange at times, you know. I'm sorry that school didn't go well for the past few days, but you will succeed and now you will become more focused on what you want. I hope you had a good weekend, later!
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better. So Thanksgiving is in October there? Wow, I have to read up on that! I hope that you enjoy yourself! I also think it's cool that you're going to give your step-mom another chance. I agree with you about ridding yourself of all that anger and resentment. Letting something like that fester inside of you won't do you any good, it just eats at you until nothing's left.
from cloudy-night :
I don't ever want to hear you calling yourself a failure! You were late to class and that's okay, things happen. I don't think you should feel humiliated because you need O & M show you routes to your classes, it's there job and it nothing for you be a shame of. We all have obstacles to overcome and we just can't stop moving because of the little things. You're a strong person and you've inspired me to try my best to break through the obstacles that stand before me. Sometimes we come across an obstacle that is too big to break through, you know what has to be done? We have to break it down, piece by piece. Whenever you don't have the strength to handle some things, remember God and your family and your friends are always there to help bare the weight. Also, you'll will still have an extremely high gpa, if you only missed that one quiz. Smile Em! :)
from cloudy-night :
Good thinking, always count your blessings!
from cloudy-night :
Hmmm, I have no idea. I know when I'm on the bus and strike a conversation, people usually respond. I never came across anyone who was annoyed by my presence (well, I couldn't sense it anyway). You'll make friends, just take your time. The semester has just begun. I do understand about ipod and cell phones, but that would make me a hypocrite since I happen to always have my mp3 player blasting and texting on my cell. Go figure...
from cloudy-night :
Congrats on your English Fundamentals test! It is a big deal because you worked hard to achieve a good mark. Every little thing we do that took great effort is a celebration! If you're not busy, I'll be on MSN Sunday. Wanted to know what new anime you were into.
from jondavid2010 :
Thanks! I had a good birthday.
from cloudy-night :
Yo, I'm happy that everything seems to be going well. Don't fall behind in your studies, okay? :)
from cloudy-night :
Hey Em, so you discovered me. I was trying to make it through all your entries before I said anything. You were really busy these past months. I really wanted to finish so that I can wish you luck for the school year. You said September 8, right? I hope that you will have a great time and that none of those strange dreams you had occur. Give me a while to finish your entries and I'll have more to say. You've been writing a lot, whew :) cya!
from anainsight :
Hooray for you! There is absolutely no problem uniting Faith (God) and Reason (science). I came to this conclusion many years ago and I stick with it. Many so-called "Christians" here in America think that because I have a college education I'm somehow an "elitist" and somehow part of this "vast left-wing conspiracy to wipe God off the planet." That is the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard (except for possibly my last entry). In any case, I wish you all the luck in the world because there are many Christians who have no use for education, science, medicine, math, or women even knowing how to read and write. It's really very scary. You stick to your guns, girl!!!
from xeison :
This is going to be like three notes in one, so i apologize if this is confusing. NOTE 1: i apologize for taking so long to get back to you, but yes i did get the information to read your diary. Thank you so much for giving it to me. i do not really see myself as intelligent, and i do not think anyone who has met me in person has either. i almost failed to get through high school, and i think many people have written about the topics i write on. As for being special, no one who has met me has felt that way towards me either. Its not just isolated to my Foster parents, even my actual family felt that way. My Father left me because he thought i was such a fuck up. im hardly worth being called special. Thank you though for saying that you would hang out with me, that is really kind of you to say. NOTE 2: You raise an interesting question about religion and its interaction with society. How do you know what your religion says versus just what the community says it says? Before i begin to try and answer that, i preface with the fact that i know very little specific to the Bible and have never had an opportunity to read it, and so most of my knowledge is my interpretation of stories i have heard from the Bible. Firstly, i think you noted a critical detail in the Bible, which is the seeming contradictions. Frequently, God says things like "Thou shalt not kill" and then we see God tell people to kill others, such as Moses to wipe out Heshbon and Og. Other times, we see God implicitly approve of such things, like God not shunning David when David does things such as coveting another man's wife, sending that man to the front lines of a war to die, and then having sex with that woman. David remains God's pride despite such a transgression. One can take a few stances on these contradictions. One is that God just knows facts that we do not and we cannot possibly hope to understand because God is beyond us. If this is the case, then we cannot hope to differentiate what God really thinks versus what the community really thinks, and therefore can only rely on our own best judgment. Another, which i prefer, is a rather unorthodox position, but i believe that when it is said that man is made in God's image, which of course makes no sense if God is infinite and man is finite, is that God is perfect in a sense very different from what we typically conceive of. That is, i think, God is also vulnerable to making mistakes, but goes about learning from them. In a sense, i think this is represented in the dramatic change between God in the Old to New Testaments. If we believe that God has love of his child, then i think the defiance of Adam and Eve represents a distrust and a breaking of faith on their part of God, some thing that cannot be held within a relationship. God punishes his child but then that child goes out of control. i had a dream once that i had a solution to all the world's problems (and indeed in some ways many of the world's problems do have solutions that are just not taken like world hunger where there are 6.7 billion people but enough food to feed 12 billion and yet 1 billion go hungry) and so i gave mankind a designated amount of time to change their actions or i would destroy them. i even when so far as to warn them, but they still chose to do nothing and knowing that they were continuing their path of self-destruction, i chose to end the world. It was a profoundly sad moment for me in the dream, but upon waking up, i realized it reminded me of the story of Noah and how God chose to destroy the world then, but eventually the same thing happened. Man forgot the punishment of God and returned to such manners, and i think God realized that the action of destroying the world was not the proper one. Eventually, God would have to show his love for people by sacrificing his own son to set them free, and i think from there he took a hands off approach and let his child be free. We are free not only to choose what we do but learn from our own mistakes and solve our own problems. God has given us the ability to solve the worlds problems and resolve our dilemmas, but we remain too afraid to use them and continue often to try and rely on Him, and i think that is a key reason for Him to take a hands off approach. Ultimately, we must be the ones to redeem ourselves, this is the blessing and curse of free will. The issue you pointed out is a perfect example of that. The religious community has always tried to do this and over time it evolves. One example is to position it took on women and whether they were equal or not to men. Another is stoning disobedient children to death. These beliefs have changed over time. At some point, it may turn out that the beliefs on homosexuality change too, and they have been. The meaning of ethics from the religious community standpoint has been changing, and this is because they are Human, and we learn over time (as it may be with God as well). It is important to remember as well, i think, that the Bible is ultimately written by Humans and filtered by Humans and hundreds of years after the actual events and although there is divine inspiration involved, there are a lot of cultural influences, which can be seen throughout the religion, especially in reference to patriarchy (think about who actually gets punished in reference to violating rules like not coveting a neighbors wife when punishment occurs in the Bible). You then go on to ask about God's Truth, and i think to examine that question it is revealing to examine what Truth is. As silly as it may seem, this is a question i was thinking about when considering the nature of mathematical and logical proofs. A pattern i have noticed with such things is that one cannot prove something from nothing. There is an information-conservation of sorts that goes on in finding any sort of knowledge or truth. What realized was the notion of Truth really means that out of all the possibilities for our world and existence, we believe that only one could be actual, and we seek a filtration system. Deductive Logic Proofs is one such system, science is another, and Faith is a third. i believe that Faith is the underpinning of religion and that is what one must have in God. There is a famous philosopher named Soren Kierkegaard who criticized the Christian community of his time for not having faith and just going to church and wrote on his own struggles with having Faith. He wrote that Faith is exemplified in the story of Abraham, when Abraham is asked by God to sacrifice Isaac and is stopped only at the last minute, demonstrating that Abraham would have done it out of his Faith in God. To do so, Abraham had to be willing to give up everything with virtually no reason to believe what he was doing was right other than his Faith in God. As an interesting side note, this story seems to foreshadow God later doing the same to repent for mankind, but i think this faith, the kind that Kierkegaard struggled with so much and accused other Christians of lacking, is the kind of thing religion is looking for, and i think in many ways is also what everyone needs to look for anyways but in themselves. We have to have Faith in ourselves to be able to trust in ourselves to be worthwhile people and to do the right thing. We have to have Faith in God to trust in Him to guide and support us and to love us as His child. I think this is the truth that religion alludes to. Ultimately, in terms of the ethics question, i think the summary answer is that religion functions as a guideline, but ultimately we must trust in ourselves to be able to find what is right with the tools God has provided us. i believe to a degree this same moral is played out as a meta-narrative to the Bible by watching how God interacts with humanity. NOTE 3: First question, what prep are you getting in Algonquin, and if i may ask, what is scaring you about it? Your entry revolves quite a bit about around evaluation-apprehension. Essentially, from what i can see, you are engaging in a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts: you tell yourself that you cannot complete a task because you always fail at tasks when you are expected to work alone, you have this expectation of failure and thus have an apprehension of being evaluated for your work, you further complicate this by believing that you solely carry the future fates of all visually-disabled people, (by the way, do you have a visual disability?) which is kind of like a spotlight effect, and then by doing that you increase your evaluation-apprehension more because you believe that they, in a sense, are evaluating you too and this all makes you likely to fail. This is especially true when doing complex or new tasks because you increase your arousal or alertness levels. In general, the optimal arousal level for tasks is inverse of their difficulty meaning very difficult tasks should be done with low arousal or calmly, simple tasks with high arousal or with great attention to details and small things, and medium tasks with medium arousal. This means when you enter a new job, you are in a sense setting yourself up to fail. This does not make you crap at all in any sense of the word, but you are putting too much pressure on yourself. This goes back to an issue i brought up in Note 2 of having faith in oneself. You need to try and trust in yourself to be able to do things and to be good enough. Otherwise, you are continuing the inertia idea that i brought up in one of my earlier entries where we are constantly trying to reinforce our negative self-images. You need to try and break free of that because you are a good and worthy person. i can promise you that the Earth would not be better off with you gone. If you walk in believing in yourself, i know you can do well in your job. As far as being no good or no use to anybody, there is three issues i take with that. One, you make me feel better about myself so you are of great use to me. Two, making a few people happy is no trivial matter. When you think about it, happiness is the only thing that matters; everything else is just a stepping stone to happiness (i.e. money, relationships, passions are all just means to an end known as happiness). Often i think we forget that and believe that our means are ends and in doing so we forget how important happiness really is but it is the most important matter in our lives. Third, you bring up the issue of being replaceable when you say you dont do anything that no one else can do. Philosophically speaking, you identify yourself as a distinct entity separate from other things. This makes you automatically unique and thus different; however, we often tend to rely on simplifications to talk more generally about people and to categorize them. In doing so, we often lose the qualities that make us distinct and trivialize them. This is an inherent limitation to trying to resolve the problem of many distinct entities interacting and yet still being individual entities despite one common interaction. It is also an inherent limitation of language to only contain a limited amount of information. The Human vision field is inherently biased in that we seek to find things that are eternal. We have this drawing to things that are separate from this world. This world is temporary and we seek the eternal; this world has evils and we seek the good, which is somehow separate (i.e. being stored in God and being inaccessible to us except via God). Similarly we have a drive to uniqueness and specialness in the hopes of having some eternal mark as well. i think the challenge ultimately for all of us is two-fold. The first is to break free of this mold and to realize that the uniqueness and specialness of ourselves is a quality we define while we live and exists for only while we live. In other words, we shouldnt focus so much on transcending the world, but instead make what we choose out of it. Your uniqueness will come with how you choose to define it (for you it may be your intelligence, making people happy, and courage). The second is to overcome our inertia and to be willing to just try and be happy. There is no greatness is self-hatred, but there is in happiness. Happiness is the ultimate goal we seek and so we have to find the means to get us there. The first step is to believe that we deserve it and to have faith in our own self-worth. i think in many ways, this is what Faith is about. After all, if you do not have faith in yourself, what does ones faith in anything really mean? This seems often forgotten, but it is still important. The key to finding happiness and being unique are to realize that you are worthy of being here and to be willing to have faith in that. It is the willingness to create your own spirit and a path for it to walk, and i believe that you have that ability and in some ways have already demonstrated that already. i have faith in you, and i hope that you will choose to have faith in yourself. You are a kind and intelligent person and although society often forgets the value of such things, they are rare and extremely important qualities.
from newschick :
holy crap man, that is nuts about your landlord! i've never experienced ANYTHING like that!!!! my flat is also attached to a house, but my landlord is great and they are very quiet, so it's like i live in my own place. hope it gets sorted, and i sleep with earplugs, love them! :)
from xeison :
Thank you, but im really not very intelligent at all. Um, i noticed by the way that you have added a username and password to your diary, and i was wondering if i could request them? My email address is xeison101@gmail.com if you prefer email.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey, thanks for reading. I know I don't write to you much, but I read every entry you post. 1 and 2 Samuel and 1 and 2 Kings actually go together. In some Bibles they're referred to as the books of Kingships (1, 2, 3, and 4). But most Bibles split them up like yours. 1 and 2 Samuel are so called because Samuel was the kingmaker. He was the prophet that called Saul king, and kept Saul accountable. Then he called David king, and kept David accountable. So even thoug most of the stories are about the kings, Samuel transcends them both. And his authority represents God's authority, which is higher than the king.
from razor-vixen :
It sounds like maybe you need medication. I don't think anything is wrong with taking it, it can really help. Please don't do anything...
from jondavid2010 :
I think human/animal relationships are very, very special, and that grief for an animal is very normal and healthy. Your dogs sound wonderful.
from omfggwtf :
thank you for the add (:
from jondavid2010 :
Thanks for the encouragement, and for reading. I have the same questions about Joshua as you do. God is good.
from anainsight :
Thanks so much for your sweet note! It's OK that you haven't been around much - I understand your frustration. And I agree - it sounds like Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features (the auditory hallucinations). I'm not a doctor, but this person you are describing REALLY needs help. Since there's absolutely nothing you can do for her, cutting off ties is your best way to protect yourself. Being friends with a bipolar can be THE most unsatisfying friendship (if you can really call it that - it's usually one-sided). I thank God every day that I haven't been diagnosed as bipolar but I have had a few episodes when I was definitely on the manic side. But if I even THOUGHT I was the type of person you're describing, I wouldn't want to live anymore. That's what really separates bipolars who are still in denial and not getting treatment from the rest of us - they have no idea what an asshole they are acting like. Do you get me? I know it's probably not the most clear note I've ever left you - probably because it's almost 2 AM and I've GOT to get to bed.... but I think you did the right thing and you'll be happier in the end, even though you may cry at first, you'll be safe. Protecting your own sanity is more important that propping up somebody else's sagging ego - or something like that. I will keep you in my prayers, OK? Sending lots of love from way down here in Georgia.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey Ill-ess. <br> No problem at all. Since I read your writing, it doesn't feel at all out of the blue. It seems like it's exactly where you're at. <br> So, I'm inclined to give you a long answer, including questions of exactly what you hope for or expect from your visit to this church. But for now, I won't. <br> I checked out the site for the church you mentioned in your writing. From what I know of that denomination and that church, I'd say if you want to just show up, go for it. I'm sure they'll be very happy to have you, and you won't be breaking any sort of protocol in doing so. <br> Since you don't know ahead of time, I'd suggest dressing "business casual" - what an office would consider appropriate on casual Friday. But don't sweat that either. <br> If there are further important details as to how you hope to frame your experience at the church, for example, meet the pastor, or be left alone to blend in and observe, or jump in and experience the community right away, I can help you out with advice there as well.
from jondavid2010 :
Thanks ill-ess. That was my last sermon for now. I'm getting a "paternity leave" to take care of my family for a while. I'll share in church from time to time, but nothing like that for at least four months or more. Now I'll spend whatever time I have reading through the Bible like you. I hope it was encouraging to you.
from minstrelite :
Thanks, Emily. This really does bode well. A lot of my problem, I am finding out, has simply been my attitude. Also, I am reading this really good book: "Battlefield of the Mind." It's by Joyce Myers. You ought to pick up a copy. I've already read five chapters. It is helping.
from cloudy-night :
I hope that you feel better. Don't worry, you have plenty of friends on D-land that believes in God. Also, you shouldn't be afraid to grow and meet new people. I feel just like you, but I'm starting to realize that I don't have anything in common with the few friends I have and it's sad. However, finding friends whom have similar interests as you is a good thing. It won't take away from what you have going with music man, chels, anime-boy, and all your other friends. Let God guide you! Certain parts of history will always be relived.
from jondavid2010 :
thanks. btw, since I'm not preaching anymore after Sunday, I've decided to just start reading through the Bible again. You're part of the inspiration. My goal is to finish Gen and Ex by the time the babies come.
from minstrelite :
You owe me a virtual cookie. :)
from jondavid2010 :
Hey, yesterday was my day off, and I spent a couple of hours catching up on your writing. I especially tried to find and read any entries from the beginning of your old one to the present about your sexual identity, your vision, and your journey of faith. You write about a lot of the same things that my dad experiences and thought about in his life. I'm curious how you found me, and why you chose to read. I wondered if it was coincidence that you would friend a pastor right now, or if it was just something you stumbled upon. As for the Bible, I've personally tried reading it through cover to cover, and I don't think I've ever had perfect success. I HAVE had success reading all the "sections" (books) somewhat out of order. The reason is because the books are written in several genres. The first two are history, so they're interesting, but then it immediately becomes three books of law and politics, which I didn't ever enjoy reading until about two years ago. Psalms and the Song of Solomon are two books of poetry. I think you'd like those. The point is this, if you suddenly find yourself feeling like your slogging through, try a different "section". You'll probably have the most success that way. If it helps you to know what the books (sections) are about, I can let you know more.
from jondavid2010 :
deleted!
from jondavid2010 :
Hi illusionless. Good to be read. I'll check you out if I'm welcome, but if not, thanks for reading.
from enurta :
thanks for letting me know <3 I'll delete the note now.
from anainsight :
I don't think you are an evil person - we all have to deal with anger. It's how you deal with it that determines if you're good or evil.... and the only way to make it through is to confide in God. Don't hide your anger from God. God understands our all too human feelings. Just be honest with him and ask him to help you to forgive. Remember - forgiveness is the only way out of anger - and forgiveness is for YOU. It's NOT for the person who's hurt you - and also, forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to acknowledge that whatever they did to you was right. That's not it at all. Forgiveness is acceptance of the facts as the facts and working toward the day when you will be able to lay it down and let it go. I'm dealing with a lot of anger myself right now - I suppose you noticed I had to change my password because the person I'm angry at got ahold of the password. But there's nothing to do but accept what happened, and try to learn and grow from it. I will keep you in my prayers.... note me if you want my new password. Great big hugs!!!
from cloudy-night :
I know how you feel. I also have a lot of anger inside me. I don't know what you can do to make it subside. I hope that God gives you the answers.
from cloudy-night :
So you had to go there early so that they could introduce you to the technology? That seems very cool! You'll get used to it all very soon! Don't be hard on yourself, we all have something to overcome. I'm happy that you've enjoyed yourself and I can feel your excitement from here, go for broke!
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that the charity event went so well. I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it as well. That's awesome that the whole room was pitch black and that people had to wear bind folds, damn cool!
from cloudy-night :
Good luck with tomorrow, it will be fine. So don't be nervous, enjoy yourself. Also, the outfit you described seems cute! Later.
from minstrelite :
Yes. I think that's the thing to focus on. And also, when confused, to trust that to every problem, there is a solution. If you don't have the answer, God does.
from minstrelite :
I might be a little liberal on this one, but it just seems to me that when all those gay guys surrounded Lot's house wanting to be let in "that they might know him," they had some other spacey problem going on. That's not behavior that typifies mere orientation. It could be that God was mostly angry over the way they'd allowed their city to get out of hand. Also, I got your other comment; but I'm not sure I can re-word what I was saying any more clearly. I had to write it about three times myself before deciding it was probably as clear as I could get it. Basically, I'm distinguishing between different people having different things that work for them; and there being a number of different spiritual paths or truths. The former is obviously true, because we are all unique. The latter isn't true - it's just a rationale someone comes up with in order to avoid facing some aspect of the truth. Does that make sense? I know I do it all the time.
from enurta :
you are NOT closed-minded for thinking the way you do...I don't think being gay is a sin either. how could love be a sin? there is so much worse things out there...
from minstrelite :
If you want my opinion, I think that there's one truth, but I think we get confused by all the different people claiming to represent that truth in different ways. This is true not only of the different religions outside of Christianity, but even within Christianity itself. I think the danger in picking and choosing what's best for you might be that you will overlook the truth in the process, at least in certain areas. On the other hand, "one man's meat is another man's poison." What works for you will not necessarily work for another. But there is still a perfect Spirit of Truth.
from anainsight :
Hey there - I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated but I'm doing so much on Facebook now that I forget to update here! I'll try to do better. I'm doing OK but going through many problems and trials. If you would keep me in your thoughts and prayers I would very much appreciate it. I hope you're doing well too - take care and let me hear from you soon. (((Hugs)))
from cloudy-night :
Welcome to the club Em, I've been feeling like that too. What can I say to you that will reach you? I want to say something, but I'm still in a rut myself. However, I feel that in times such as these, you should find one thing to look forward to during the day. Me, I love sunsets and if I'm lucky, I may even get to glance at the moon for a while. When I do that, it makes me think of all the people I've met and those I haven't officially met. It makes me think of how we're all connected to one another. It makes me think of all the adventures that are waiting on people like us. Find something during the day that will lift your spirits. Smile, even if you feel like it. :)
from minstrelite :
You and I have been in the opposite of energies lately. I've been up all the time, and extremely active, often intensely so. Only tonight have I begun to feel good, and not be so down on myself, but I still can't get to sleep.
from minstrelite :
http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/100520_37.html
from enurta :
I know what you mean about the templete sites here in d-land not working anymore. I wanted to fix my diary but couldnt find any site that could help. I thought it was me that was just stupid for not being able to do it by myself, but I read your dairy and you have the same problem soguess Im not alone. Too bad. I hope Andrew wont shut down the sitethere arent exactly many members left.
from cloudy-night :
That's a strange dream, but it seems nice.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy to hear that you had fun with Chel and that Animeboy is in a relationship now, that's pretty awesome! I'm really glad that school is coming along well and I think it would be a great idea to pay out eighty bucks for therapy, it will pay off. You know I'm proud of you for trying to deal with your feelings. It's good to deal with your problems. You're a strong person and you'll only get stronger! Do you have an xbox 360 or ps3? If so, let me know and we can game a bit!
from cloudy-night :
You got out of bed, that's the first step. Sometimes we all get depressed and at times, it can't be helped. However, we still have to keep moving and without fail! Also, I don't think you're boring, I think you're interesting. When will you grow to accept your coolness? I check out your channel often, I think you should throw some FFXIII into the mix. I know you don't like it, but you pull in a lot of people with the current stuff. I'm old school, but some people will look at games like Zelda: A Link To The Past and ask, "what the hell is that?" Me, myself have been playing Super Street Fighter IV pretty hard. If you don't know, Ryu is like my freaking hero. Always questioning himself and working hard to get stronger, I've always wanted to be like that! Anyhow, if you are on MSN this weekend, I'll be sure to drop you a line. Later!
from cloudy-night :
You're not a failure or a loser! Don't you ever think such a thing. I'm starting to think that if you don't make such a big deal of time, things will happen much quickly. Things occur in their own time, be proud of all the things that you're accomplishing now. I'm sorry to have read about your acid reflux situation, I hear that milk helps if it's ulcer related. I really hope that you have fun at Chell's Please don't be depress, I know how it feels. You're moving forward and progress is progress regardless of how much time it takes. Just move forward and be content with every step! I know I don't live there, but you have made a new friend, I hope you view me as one. ;)
from blackmambo :
I just read your entry and I could be wrong but it sounds to me that maybe its not acid reflux but gallstones because the symptoms you described were the exact pain I had and for almost a year the pain would come and go and I thought it was acid reflux because thats what my doctor told me and I even went to emergency and was told me the same thing. And I believed them because duh! they are doctors but my father told me that its gallstones because he had the same symptoms but he was told acid reflux until he complained that its not so he got an ultrasound and showed that he had gallstones. I finally complained that it cant be acid reflux and finally one doctor told me to get an ultrasound and I too had gallstones. Im not saying that you have gallstones but I suggest you get an ultrasound just to rule it out. Hope this helps and you feel better.
from minstrelite :
I think that, when people say things like that, it's mostly along the lines of a dare. They're trying to get you to realize that, in your wise mind deep down inside you - that part of you that you've temporarily gotten out of touch with - you really don't want to do something so irreversibly drastic. In this case, there was some background where the person was angry at me over some other matters.
from minstrelite :
Wow - that's funny. I did the exact same thing today. I'd been procastinating on one of George's jobs for about as long as I can remember. Finally, I started it. It was really hard to start, but once I got going, it wasn't so bad. I worked on it for about five hours, barring a one-hour break when I worked on my one stuff. I didn't get it done, but I got a couple pages of it done, and I sent them to him. Hopefully he'll pay me something, and I'll no longer be broke. It definitely felt good to stop procrastinating and be back in the zone. I know exactly what you mean!
from minstrelite :
I bookmarked that site. It seems like a good one. Maybe it will help me with my lack of discipline as well. But you are definitely not a failure! And there's every point in continuing to try. Look at this way: there are people who waste whole days on end, and even months and years, and who don't even care. At least you care.
from minstrelite :
I'm glad you ordered the pizza. If I'd have been struggling with depression to the extent you described, and if I'd have had the money, I'd have ordered a pizza.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry to hear that your depression is driving you to the point of self-injury. You may have fallen into the abyss, but you're not alone. You'll always have my hand if you need it. Nightmares won't hurt you, it's just something that brings worry and you don't have to worry about anything because in the end, anything you do is in your hands. I hope when you read this, you've just woke up from a deep sleep due to eating a large pizza. Please don't cut yourself, it won't help anything to cause yourself pain.
from old-story :
Also--diaryland doesn't seem to update appropriately. Weird.
from old-story :
I think it's a combo of both (the rotten diaryland thing)...I used to allow anonymous notes because basically no one judgmental would leave anything too vicious, but one day, it was like opening a can of wormy hate. Just because I used the word "gay" in a way someone took offense to, they left awful comments on almost every entry. Then, they came up with several different names just to leave nasty comments on my notes. I don't quite get the point, you know? Ah well. So that's the rotten thing. :)
from cloudy-night :
Animeboy sounds like a pretty cool dude and it's not your fault that he digs you. Hell, you're very cool so I can understand his feeliings. However, if he knows you like the ladies, he should respect that and except the friendship that you two share. It seems like a strong bond and I hope he finds someone. I can't believe you never used chopsticks! Wow, I thought you would have been an expert, but you know what they say when you assume. Anyway, I'm happy to see that you've unlocked your diary. I haven't had time to hit you up on msn and request your password, but if you have feel you need to lock it again. You can forward your password to my email add. Even though you may not know it, I read your entries and sometimes I don't comment. Hope to see you on MSN soon and that anime you suggest was pretty good for what it was. Later!
from minstrelite :
I tried to read your update, and it turns out your diary is locked. I hope it's not because of me. I know I sent out the email this morning, and earlier, but I was only trying to apologize. Please let me have the password if you don't mind my reading.
from minstrelite :
I've had acid reflux sometimes, maybe not as severe as you describe. But I do find that staying away from wine is helpful. And acidic foods in general. I had Mexican food yesterday, and at the gig they almost made me drink red wine. I mean, I know it was my choice, but because they were from another culture, I wasn't sure if I was going to offend them if I turned it down. The gig went great, but I had acid reflux toward the end and when I got home.
from minstrelite :
I must have read that wrong (read 'silly and immature') but that makes even more sense ('sick') as you relate this to your illness. I'll look for you on MSN.
from minstrelite :
Sometimes I go click on the "random entry" feature just to find out where my head was at maybe three or four years ago. Although it's weird to see that, I think you might be a little bit hard on yourself in calling yourself silly and immature in the past. True, you are more mature now, and more coherent in your writing too; but earlier it just came across as though you had a lot of stuff going on and you were very effusive in the manner in which you would get it off of your chest. I'm also feeling reasonably good these days, compared to even a few weeks ago, so it might be strange to go back and read what I wrote then; or come back here later when I'm like what I will be four or five weeks from now. It's all relative.
from cloudy-night :
Ah, sorry the party didn't start off well. It seems to end well though and that's probably just as important as the beginning. I don't think your brother and sister meant any harm in their comments, it may be all in your head. I know it's hard to deal with things that you can't share with family. I also know how hard it is to be truthful about the sex you like. My sister deals with it all the time, my siblings don't care as much. It's just my mom who seems to drag it all out of proportion, but she's from a different time. You know, I feel like you sometimes. I feel like I'm not worthy of finding someone because I lack in so many areas. But you shouldn't feel that way, don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to have everything going on and flaws are essential in this world. If you don't have any flaws, you're a threat. Our flaws not only make us human, but are usually one of the things that people are attracted to the most. I mean c'mon, have you ever met someone who wanted to fix you? That's the story of my life, I don't need fixing, but the fairer sex always believe I do. What I'm trying to say is, do what you want for you and to hell with anyone who can't except you for the smart, nice, beautiful, and somewhat odd (which is always awesome) person you are! One day, you will be at a party holding hands, snickering, and down-playing your romantic role with someone, give it time.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry that CH didn't feel the same why you felt. I don't what it feels like to have my heart broken and I won't throw around any cliche's or false sentiments. I just hope that you find happiness and that you find someone who'll make just as happy as CH would. I know it's a hard pill to swallow (damn, that's a cliche'), but things will get better. Whenever you feel the urge to cry, don't hold back. Let it out! At least you two have a strong and long-lasting friendship, it may seem like second prize, but it's worth more than gold if you use it right.
from minstrelite :
No, I meant *my* password cuz I can't get ahold of her. But that assumes *you* know how - I just saw that you were among her readers. She'd asked for my password but I don't know how to reach her. I'll look for you on MSN.
from cloudy-night :
LOL, that's how parents are at times. They say one thing and mean another, I don't have to say the word, you know it.
from minstrelite :
Please give me password to journey2one. Music is the transcender right now. I know she will understand.
from minstrelite :
A friend of mine who's in SLAA went 42 days once. Most I've ever gone is 11 days, and that was when I was in 8th grade.
from minstrelite :
I was just catching up with your diary, but only made it through the past three entries before deciding just to ask you what your Lent-goal was, since I must have missed that if it was identified in an earlier entry that I'd missed. Or, if you don't want to say, that's fine. I just want to say: I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard about giving in. Hardly anyone ever makes it through the entire 40 days, to my observation. Currently, it's not even part of my spiritual consciousness, although of course there is at least one thing I must avoid for the rest of my days (and it has now been 25 days, by the way.) About abusers, I think what they do is deny it out of fear of consequence. It's such an ugly and unacceptable thing, it is rare when someone will admit to it, even in therapy. And they put on a good act. Basically, that person is more concerned about their own self-protection than about your feelings or well-being, and they don't realize that, in the larger picture, the two are not mutually exclusive.
from cloudy-night :
People often deny the horrible things they did due to the guilt and shame. I don't know why people avoid the issues, but they need to let address it. I want to comment more, but I'm not in the right mental state. So sleepy, hope I can email you, later!
from minstrelite :
I was quoting Proverbs 29:11, which in the King James reads: "A fool uttereth all his mind, but a wise man keepeth it in until afterward." More recent translations (NKJV, NIV) unfortunately restrict the meaning to the issue of venting feelings or, even more specifically, anger or rage. But that is not in accordance with the original texts. Basically, the Proverb says that it is foolish to speak your entire mind at once, without pausing to consider the position of your listener(s). It's better to speak a little of it, wait and see what their response is going to be, and then let that that determine which portion of your mind you're going to speak next. This obviously makes for better communication as well as a greater degree of overall respect among all parties. The problem is that it takes patience and practice, and we don't always want to do that. In my case, I had met someone from this site who had asked for my password. We entered into a correspondence that went sour at a certain point. Without going into what might have been happening on her end, I believe I dived into everything too fast, and I spoke too much of my mind too soon. So, that was the event to which I specifically referred. Hope this helps.
from minstrelite :
If you're talking about the entry athttp://illusionless.diaryland.com/100309_57.html - I thought it was one of the best entries you've ever written. I like it when people speak their minds.
from minstrelite :
Actually, I read your entire entry (3/9 the long one when you were sleepless), and although you thought it might have been "muddled" it was actally very lucid, at least to me. I found myself engaged because you're describing something that is so familiar to me, something with which I identify very strongly. I've also been very angry lately, and I have felt that, since I am no longer such a wimp and have become more outspoken, it's caused a number of my friends to turn off to me and turn away. But are they really friends? I'd rather be myself. And the funny thing is, I'm not really angry at anybody in particular - I'm just operating from a state of constant anger. I think anger can be good if it is channeled into something positive. I particularly identified with this: "Worst part is the anger towards myself. I've prayed to God for help and I've gotten most of my prayers answered even if it's for a short period of time, then I blow it by not doing what I said I would in the time given that the prayer was answered. I don't blame God for eventually taking my chances away, I don't hold up my end of the deal because of fear or laziness." That's my experience exactly. When I remember to pray, and really turn to God, the prayers are often answered. But then I don't follow through with my end of the deal. It's almost as though I un-answer the answered prayers, out of laziness, or fear, or this weird kind of indecisive paralysis that comes over me, where I become very confused what the next-right-thing to do is, and I wind up making the wrong decision, and regretting it later. It's clearly not as though God didn't try to help me. But clearly I am sabotaging myself. Why do I do this? Maybe we should pray for greater motivation, and greater courage. God might be keen to answer those prayers, even moreso than the more specific prayer requests; especially if we persist in those prayers over periods of time, to show that we are really earnest, and that we mean business when it comes to personal growth and change. You also wrote: "I don't deserve to pray or be in Gods grace until I can clean up my act." This is blatantly untrue of anyone, and certainly of you in particular. We do not need to be sinless to come into God's presence; in fact, none of us are sinless. Only one person ever walked the face of this Earth who, though tempted as all of us, was without the sin. He bore all our sins on our behalf, because we could not bear them ourselves, because we all have sinned, and fallen short of the righteousness of God. If we could earn Grace by our sinlessness, it would no longer be Grace. Grace is a gift of unmerited favor bestowed upon us by a God who loves us, irrespective of how much we have sinned, or even of how much good we have done. He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for us and to pay the price for all our sins, on our behalf. Believe it - you are a child of God, and precious in His eyes. God loves you, and so do I.
from cloudy-night :
That was a strange dream. It was so detailed, you actually remember your dreams. I don't understand, why were you back in your old high school? what class was it?
from cloudy-night :
Good luck, I know you can do it. Keep at it!
from minstrelite :
Was it the really long entry? It's hard for me to remember. I deleted that one later when I realized after-the-fact that I wasn't myself when I wrote it. I then noticed that some earlier ones that I thought I had written had disappeared. This is the first day that I've felt pretty much normal. I went to two meetings in a row tonight. Well, I was about to post again, I'm in a motel room, and I was gathering my thoughts. Thanks for thinking of me and for belieiving in me. Thank you for your prayers.
from cloudy-night :
I'm so envious and happy at the same time! I can't seems to sleep at night and I've been trying. Could you explain the chronic method to me. I have to try it, if it worked for you, I hope it will work for me. How does it feel to see the sun, I've forgotten. Is it everything I imagine it to be?
from cloudy-night :
Sheesh, I thought I could create the link within the notes, but guess not. Here it is: http://aimini.net/view/?fid=47HuqgF4HTYRFwtqiwlc
from cloudy-night :
The song is called "Drawing Days" and the band is called "Splay". I really like that song, it was the very first opening song from "Hitman Reborn" ( it's from one of the anime's I suggest to you *hint hint*). Click on the link and you can download it for free! <a href="http://aimini.net/view/?fid=47HuqgF4HTYRFwtqiwlc">Splay</a>
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that things are going well, keep it up!
from minstrelite :
Congratulations on your acceptance into Algonquin! I think that is indeed a sign that things are looking up. :)
from minstrelite :
I think it was good for you to put it all down like you did in your most recent entry, although I still feel that the analogy of the alcoholic is a powerful one. This is especially true if you were considering trying to hide your cutting from everyone else, and not talking about it. As they say in twelve-step programs, we are only as sick as our secrets.
from journey2one :
You have every right to do whatever you need to for help. You are in crisis. We are so similar. I hope you can come out of this.
from minstrelite :
It wasn't a healthy environment. The clients tipped me off when I first got there. None of the staff members had any background in mental health, though they were for the most part caring. But there was more of a punitive element there, like a jail; then a healing element, like a treatment center or a hospital. And both the clientelle and the staff seemed to have a little criminal leaven in the lump. Pretty spooky. I'm glad I'm gone.
from minstrelite :
I'm leaving for about one half hour but if you'd like to meet at 5pm my time (8pm your time) we can. Hang in there.
from minstrelite :
Let me catch you on MSN. I'll also give you a number where I can be reached. Hang in there.
from cloudy-night :
You're on the right track. You're making a plan and sticking to it. I haven't slept normally since I was a child. You know a daily regiment of exercising will help you fall asleep and stay asleep. It may take a while to get into it, but I hear that it helps.
from glass-slide :
Wow! Coming from someone who is in the middle of Final Fantasy 9 (and six simultaniously) right now. And someone who's played all of the others: I would simply die, if my save was erased. 9 is by far the hardest one to level up on! I totally sympathize!
from cloudy-night :
LMAO, sorry but the same thing happened to me years ago. However, it wasn't on a computer, but the original ps. The game was FF 7 believe it or not. Let me give you the specs: Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid, Cat Sith, XII all Lvl 100. All materia, all quest completed, all weapons obtained. I was just about to fight near the end and decided to pop in FF 8 and it asked me if I wanted to defragment the files on my memory card and I thought, "sure, what would it hurt?" It hurt a lot because it deleted all my Final Fantasy Seven data and I was disgusted. I wasted sixty hours leveling up. I truly feel your pain and I'm sorry to hear that it happened. I too believe in omens, but just take it as a sign to leave the world of gaming along for a while. I found out that being a gamer isn't something you lose after a few months away. Oh yeah, we can email each other, that seems cool.
from minstrelite :
I so totally blew it with her. Only in the movies would it work out from here.
from minstrelite :
I just saw your note. I'm slowly catching up on everything. This weekend has been kinda strange, I'm just busying myself, because I don't have any chores yet, and there are no groups. It will pick up over the week, and also eventually I'll start moving in a specific direction as far as getting my meds, and getting my sister relieved from her Payee obligation, getting my business back up, and getting my own apartment. This is all actually a good thing.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry for the late reply. My laptop busted and I had to get it repaired ( had to up $100 for another warranty, :( ). When I was younger, I never wore my glasses and my sight is horrible without them. O&M sounds very interesting. It's great that they show you the ropes and all. I hope this works out well for you. So your instructor has to teach you how to get to all the places you want or pre-selected places? I also think that it's awesome you're going back to school, move forward and don't look back!
from cloudy-night :
What is CNIB and O&M? I've heard you talk about it for weeks, but I have no idea what it is. I hope that everything works out though. It seems like something you're really excited about.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What motivates others shouldn't matter as much as what motivates you. Maybe the answer is the motivation you need. We are so much alike that it's strange. "Anime, Video Games, Family and Friends" if you would have put books in there, I would have sworn you were a long lost twin along with blackmambo. When I was younger, I was always looking to other for answers (a times, I still do). I use to walk around and ask people questions about life. I've talked to a lot of people and every answer I get is so utterly different from the previous one that I became more lost and alone that I was before. I can't give you an answer, but I can say this. Whatever you're looking for isn't going to be something that you will be able to discover over night. But when you find it, you'll be happy to have suffered so much to find it. Let's go swimming! :)
from cloudy-night :
I truly understand how you feel, but I don't know if anything I say will make a difference. Everyday, we are tested. Every little problem, every subtle event means more than we actually know. How we handle ourselves in our darkest moments are what enables us to grow. The fear you have is something I understand. What is it that motivates you more than anything else? You have to face your fears because all they will ever do is control you. So take the first step and know that it's progress. I feel that the first step isn't the most pivotal step, it's each step afterwards. Hold whatever motivates you close to heart and do what you have to despite the fear you feel. I'm really lazy and lack any sort of motivation. Like you, a bit of that hesitence comes from my own fears. But I always think about my family and friends and it gets me going. I don't know if you will feel that what I told you is a bunch of nonsense, but I hope something in it is useful.
from cloudy-night :
Those are all good goals, I bet you'll achieve them all!
from minstrelite :
Happy Birthday, Emily! Time flies, as you were 22 when we first met. 25 is a noted age of strength for many. I'll write an entry shortly, though I don't know what to say. I spent five days in the hospital, but it will be good in the long run, as I was running amuck without my meds for a good three weeks. They've put me on follow-up into a special program that goes every day from 9am till 2pm, and it's fully covered by my insurance. It also gives me a psychiatrist, a therapist, and groups to attend, as well as the opportunity to be re-evaluated. Plus, I came out of the stay with a month's worth of synthroid, depakote, and now seroquil, of which they started me on low dosage. I still do not have a computer, but am writing from a FedEx, kinda burning up minutes. I thought about you a lot while I was in the hospital, and Enurta too. I haven't gotten to any other people's diaries yet, but I feel I have most in common with you and with her. I slept a lot (after not having slept for days on end), and met with the social worker. They're going to give me a case worker. This could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, as of what I wrote in my most recent entry. Hope next year bodes well for you. Take care of your ulcer, and of yourself in general. Love, Andy
from cloudy-night :
25, eh? That's still young! Happy Birthday! I'm glad to hear that Christmas went well and that CH will be visiting you soon!
from cloudy-night :
I don't think that you sound sappy at all. It makes me smile to hear such things. It's amazing that you feel that way and nothing but good can come from it. Thanks for the well wishes, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and I bet that your family will love those chocolates. P.S. Thanks, I enjoy your notes as well! :P
from cloudy-night :
I really hope that CH figures out what she wants. I really hope that you're happy and that she's happy despite whatever the outcome may be. Love is a fickled thing, you know?
from cloudy-night :
That dream was AWESOME!!!
from cloudy-night :
First of all, you shouldn't think so badly about yourself. Don't take this the wrong way, but to quote Jubei, "I hate those who think so little of their own worth." You're a great person and anyone will be happy to be with you. You have to believe that! CH seems like an incredible person, but don't put her on a pedestal. Like all of us, she's fallable and approachable. You have a chance at having something great and meaningful with her, but remember that she does too. You have a lot to offer and the things that most people consider their flaws are usually the things that attract other people. I used to always feel unworthy of a woman's affection and I won't lie, sometimes I still do. So all the things I've said to you, I said to myself a thousand fold. Have you ever told CH how you feel?
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that you learned something about yourself and I'm sorry about your dad, maybe he'll revert back to the man you knew before. If that's what you want, I hope for it with all my heart for you.
from razor-vixen :
I don't quite get why your dad has such a bug up his ass about this; god you're not even 25 yet!! So stick to your guns. You have to make the right decision for yourself. As for being stuck there two weeks, try to think of it as a vacation. Get out and do things, even alone if you have to.
from journey2one :
You stay strong, girly girl. I think you were absolutely right to refuse the life insurance. You keep going! You're doing great.
from minstrelite :
Your entry made me sad, but you are really such a beautiful person, Emily. I can so relate to my dad sending me into a head-trip like that, my mom speaking through him, as though he felt he had to speak for her, and he would do it at the most awkward times. Do you want to chat on MSN? I'll sign on and see if you're around.
from cloudy-night :
Your dad and step-mom are concerned too, they just seem to display it in the wrong manner. It's strange how different your mom and step-dad are versus your dad and step-mom. It's yin and yang and neither can exist without the other, remember that. You have your mom and step-dad to comfort and encourage you in a positive manner. You have your dad and step-mom to comfort and encourage you in a manner which will help you find your own ground and make your own decisions. Your father loves you, that's for sure. So don't cry, okay?
from minstrelite :
Write me for the user/pass, I changed it. andypope7 at hotmail dot com. Thanks Emily.
from razor-vixen :
Honestly to me the whole life insurance thing seems kind of pointless. You're young and healthy, and really you don't have that money to waste. I don't have it and I'm older than you! I don't know, you could be saving up that money for other/better things.
from cloudy-night :
We all have things we hate about ourselves, but it's always nice to have someone who can help us through it. You have a person who can calm you down and help you see clearly. I don't think there is anything wrong with you and if so, that makes you human. I can't tell you that I've ever felt that way, but sometimes at night, I wake up and I feel sad and cry for no reason at all. My heart feels like it's breaking, but in the morning; I'm fine. We all have things and hopefully you'll find a way to deal with it and if I'm making light of it, I'm sorry. But I would like to learn more about you, so that I can say something that may contribute.
from avox :
Without the consultation of anything, I'd say your over-all dream gives off a very strong sensation that you either aren't aware of yourself missing parts of your life, or you're afraid to embrace the fullness of it. It's the unawareness which brings about embarassement. I guess, in a way, I'd say you're subconcious is saying that you're missing out on something, and it's going to make you feel uncomfortable? The fact you cover yourself up, though, is an indication that you're concealing something true to you. When we're afraid of being naked in our dreams, it often means we're afraid of exposing our truths to others, and of being ourself. Maybe stop paying too much attention to the things you feed off of (your hunger and eating at the party) and more to those family and friends around you? When we eat in our dreams it usually means we're trying to find something or absord/be a certain way. It's also sexual-- which would coincide with your breasts hanging out. I dunno. I hope this strikes some sort of help. The best interpreter of dreams is often yourself! =)
from minstrelite :
Hey Emily, thanks for your notes. I had been starting to wonder if anyone was reading, and I'm glad you are. Actually, life-my-way has been reading, I know, because I caught her on Skype yesterday. Well, I think I need to go running. After I got the last email from Linda, I lost focus, and I am highly agitated. It might be because I haven't run for about three days now. I'll see if I can catch you on MSN, either now, or when I get back. Hope you're having a good night.
from minstrelite :
And we're talking circa 1965?? Another funny thing is that nowadays it wouldn't even be any kind of a rip to point out that a guy's initials being "R.N." stand for "registered nurse" being as it's not a big deal for a guy to be nurse. In those days, the nurses were all supposed to be women. Anyway, I'm not sure why it came out of me so spontaneously, but I remember that teacher really well. He was one of those guys who was kind of a comedian, and kids always looked forward to class so we could cut up a lot, and then he would swat people with the paddle when he thought they were out of line. He was a real jerk. Never taught us anything. Later on I heard he got fired for having some kind of romantic contact with a teenage girl.
from minstrelite :
Your entry was really poignant. I just woke up from my afternoon nap, and for some reason, I had also been thinking about my mortality, which I very seldom do. I was thinking about how my mother died, and wondering how I would die. Also, I was wondering if my recent laziness might be contributing to a sooner death. Then I read what you wrote, including this: "I apologized for not moving forward in life and confessing that I know I'm not following the plan God has for me. Somehow I don't think me being stagnant in almost every area of my life is what God had in mind for me..." That really hits home for me! I feel like I'm somehow not doing what God has in mind for me, and yet I don't know what He wants me to do. I only feel as though I'm not doing it. I think maybe the best thing for both of us to do might be to ask Him each day to reveal what His plan is in our lives. Eventually, if we persist, we will get our answers. Take care of yourself, Emily.
from minstrelite :
That would be nice, Emily. I'll sign on in a minute.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for you note, Emily. Yeah, the two events were related, in some inexplicable way.
from minstrelite :
I'm posting on Missed Connections as soon as I get out of the cafe. I posted on D-Land yet again. As soon as my phone finishes charging, I'm out of here, but I've definitely been given a few things to think about.
from minstrelite :
Yeah. I think God does sometimes provide the "answer" in a way that at first might seem unrelated to the "question." Me, I woke up praying this morning, and not in a routine way, but more-or-less out of desperation. Not sure if you've been reading my journal lately - I'll update again & this might make more sense, but I don't want to write about it in the public notes. It's one of those times where I basically feel beseiged on all fronts.
from minstrelite :
That's interesting about the prayer.
from razor-vixen :
Dont' wait too long to see about your stomach pain. It could be serious. Maybe an ulcer? anyhow, go to your doctor sooner rather than later!
from minstrelite :
Oh ok - for some reason I thought you were taking medication for something. I hope you get better soon.
from minstrelite :
Wonder if that stomach stuff might be a side effect of some medication you are taking. Just a thought - it's ongoing, and it seems symptomatic of something-or-another. Have you been to a doctor about it?
from minstrelite :
I'm glad. :)
from minstrelite :
Off the top, I would say of course God can, because God knows everything anyway. Jesus also said that God knows what we need before we even ask for it. It's just that He wants us to ask, because His main desire is that we have relationship with Him, and not hide ourselves from Him, as Adam and Eve initially did in the Garden, once the serpent had succeeded in tempting them to eat of the forbidden fruit. It was only then that shame came into the world. Prior to that, they felt no compulsion to hide from God, and they related to Him freely. Aside from all this, there are various theories regarding the power of the spoken word, as opposed to the "word" only thought within. However, we have to remember that when we speak something aloud, everybody else hears it as well as God. And that might not be wise. Not only that, it can conceivably be hypocritical. Jesus said not to be like the hypocrites, who love to put on a big show of prayer in public places where everyone can hear them "praying," while their hearts are far from God. It's only an act. So He then said, to do the exact opposite, and go into your "closet" (or personal place), where no one will see you at all, or hear you at all. No one, that is, but God. Then pray to your Father who sees in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. That is the promise of the Gospel. See Matthew Chs. 5-7 if you want to pursue this. Its easy reading in most translations.
from minstrelite :
Yeah, I guess my idea wasn't really practical for you. About notes, I'm the same way. It's just that a few years ago, one person actually requested I stop leaving them so many notes, because they said it sounded as though I were trying to win their favor and it kind of irked them. Also, I keep feeling compelled to leave a whole lot of notes for one of my readers whose posts are very provocative and make me feel like I want to say something. Turns out she lives nearby too, which caused me to give her my phone number. I think I have boundary issues, so I am always on the alert. Btw, my diary's unlocked now.
from minstrelite :
Have you ever thought that maybe you just have a different natural clock than the majority of people, and maybe rather than try to alter it to conform to the mainstream, if you just accepted it, somehow the circumstances of life that are favorable toward it would unfold? I'm not saying that's what you should do for sure, but it's something to consider. It might be that your biological clock is different for a reason. (btw, sorry if I am leaving too many notes - i do that to some other ppl & it annoys them, but i often feel compelled to comment.)
from minstrelite :
Thanks.
from minstrelite :
I can't really teach out of my home right now, because I live in a big house with a bunch of guys. I've been wanting to rent studio space somewhere and do my transcription work there as well as put a piano there so I can acquire piano and voice students again. But it's not really in my financial near future. In the meantime, I have an opportunity to rent a piano at a church in order to teach, but so far the only student I have who wants to take lessons from me there is interested in bartering because she's strapped for cash, so I would actually lose money on the deal. If I had a car, I could drive to and from the student's houses like I used to do, but I think it will be better for me to shoot for having an established studio than buying another car, if it came down between the two. Either is pretty distant right now. I'm mainly about catching up on my work, getting new work, and keeping my current cash flow happening so as to keep paying the bills. That alone takes up just about all my energyn sometimes.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for asking. But only the first lesson has taken place still. My daughter keeps calling and postponing, for one reason or another. The first lesson was two hours long with one break, and it went really well. It brought out the teacher in me, even though she's my daughter. It reminded me of how organized I used to be when I still taught, and how much my students used to like me. So I hope they don't fizzle - it's such a good idea. In fact, I haven't even seen Tim or Karina yet. (Not her roommates, but her ex-bf and her bff).
from minstrelite :
Glad you had such a good time at your brother's wedding, and you got such positive attention from your guest. (I guess that's the word - not "date" really.) You seem to be in a really good space in this entry, exuding positive energy, which makes me feel happy for you.
from xeison :
i am really sorry for being gone for so long. Things got really complicated, and it became impossible for me to get on here. ill post an entry about it, but i dont have time right now unfortunately. i am still around though. i am really sorry about your dog. That is really rough. i am sure he is not angry at you though; you tried to be there and you cared, and those are the things that really matter. i hope you are taking care. ill try to get on again soon.
from minstrelite :
Hm. It might take more than once or twice for your body to co-operate with what you're trying to do with it. I believe the key thing is to keep at it, and try not to become discouraged.
from anainsight :
Hey there - Don't worry about the sleeping episode - remember how I told you that it's a seasonal thing? S.A.D.? You need to get more light exposure - it's so dark right now for most of the day. Daylight Savings time is coming and it will actually stay lighter longer. Maybe that will help you. In the meantime, turn on your lights and think about going back on your meds. There's no shame in taking your meds - it's a chemical imbalance, nothing more. Your body "sucks up" too much Serotonin, Norepinephrine, and Dopamine for you to get good exchange between nerve cells in your brain. You're not lazy or anything like that - your body is just trying to function without adequate amounts of neurotransmitters. It's no wonder you get tired. Buzz me again one day on Yahoo Messenger and let me know how you're doing, OK? Big hugs!!!!
from minstrelite :
That's good that you were able to invert your schedule. Now you can probably keep it that way, if you don't do anything to change it again.
from anainsight :
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!!!!
from minstrelite :
I think we all do that from time to time (set our hopes too high...)
from minstrelite :
I'm glad you found someone to accompany you to the wedding. What a relief that must be! Stay in touch, ok?
from ethereal-red :
I love your rainbow diary template. It is awesome! To answer your comment on my blog, I ended up writing 2 papers. The Deaf person I was trying to get in contact with replied to my interview request 15 minutes after I went to bed! So when I woke up in the morning and checked to see if she'd replied at all, I was relieved to see that she had. So, I churned out another paper in one hour, then went to school and handed both papers in. My teacher said she'd give me whatever grade was the highest of the two papers. I sent the Deafness paper to the Deaf person and she said it was fabulous and asked if she could share it with other people. I of course said yes. I am accustomed to writing under time pressure thanks to the NaNoWriMo writing contest I've done for the past two Novembers. So yeah. I can do my speech on the Deafness paper. Everything turned out okay!
from minstrelite :
Actually, can you email me? I think I've been spelling your email address wrong. If you email me at andypope7 at hotmail dot com, I can send you the user/pass from there.
from minstrelite :
I only recently reinstated the diary (about two weeks ago, I think) and only recently began to create a buddy list. There had been a blank page here for several months. So the sparseness of the buddy list is not a reflection on you or anyone else. I'll email you the user/pass. It's good to hear from you.
from xxholding-on :
hey! i actually made it myself, im getting better with html. let me know if you need help! AND just wanted to let you know that my art contest closes its voting tonight at midnight, so if you have a chance please stop over and put one last vote and review in for me, thanks so much =) http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=975395_34070543&pid=2767347&scid=452
from anainsight :
Yaaaayyyyy!!!! I'm so proud of you, you packed up and moved. You found a place of your own. Isn't being on your own for the first time sweet? I'm so glad for you - are you still going to take the business course so you can find a desk job? Best wishes whatever you decide!!!
from xxholding-on :
thank you so very much!
from xxholding-on :
hi i saw you were online and i really wanted the vote from diaryland towards a contest i joined. It's a coach marketing contest and i need as many votes as i can get, please help! http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=975395_34070543&pid=2767347&scid=452
from ethereal-red :
I am glad your week got better over time. And I will be crossing my fingers for you for sure!
from anainsight :
Hey there - I'm so glad you're doing well and having a good time. See? I told you that once you got out from under your mom's thumb, you'd do just fine. Keep it up and enjoy your freedom!
from ethereal-red :
Hey! Congratulations on your graduation and receiving your diploma!!!!! I am so proud of you. Sorry I have been absent.
from anainsight :
Congratulations - I am so proud of you for your achievements. I'm also glad that the day went better than you anticipated, and that you were able to attend and enjoy your day. I wish I could have been able to send you a graduation gift! Maybe next time - I haven't been able to sew much recently since my little toy poodle came - she likes to play "tug" with whatever it is I'm sewing on and the results can be disastrous. Anyway - keep us posted on the upcoming events, and best of luck as you move and look for work!
from anainsight :
That's a really interesting dream - you pull and pull on the door of the place you're living now and you can barely get it open. Sounds significant because you're moving soon, can't help but think that underneath you may have some trepidation. But you know what my last therapist (before this one) told me? It's like, when you dream, you may be unconsciously "working through" things that concern you during your waking hours. So don't let it worry you too much! Thinking of you and sending you a great big hug!
from anainsight :
You know something? I think that you are feeling like your decisions are wrong because it seems like you get nothing but criticism for every decision you make. I think the perfect cure for that is moving and making your own mistakes, and learning from them. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope that once you move, you can gain some perspective on your own decision-making and discover that those who have been criticizing you have their own agenda for who and what you should be - and when you try to go against them, they revert to the same old tired tactics to try to scare you into doing what they want. Good luck, and PLEASE keep in touch! (((Hugs)))
from enurta :
yes, thanks for sending it to me <3
from anainsight :
I am sooooo proud of you for getting your diploma and I'm glad you will get to attend graduation after all. You deserve to be recognized for your achievements and all your hard work. And I know it may seem like things aren't going well right now, but believe me - you are about to make a BIG change, and it can seem worse right before a big change comes in your life. It's a lot of turmoil - "am I doing the right thing, am I doing this right, what if I make a mistake", etc. Your move to Ottawa is going to be good for you and I encourage you to go ahead with it. You need your own space in which to grow and change, and you need to make your own mistakes so you can learn from them and change. I wish you Peace and Many Blessings, and am sending you a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from enurta :
I lost your password. can u e-mail it to me? deadpassive@hotmail.com thanks! xxx
from ethereal-red :
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
from ethereal-red :
Hey, it's May 8th. Did you get your exam results? And thanks so much for your note... it amazed me to read those old entries and remind myself just how far I've come!
from ethereal-red :
How did your exam go?
from ethereal-red :
Well, thanks, I worked hard on making my blog header look nice (took me forever on Photoshop-- I'm just beginning to become familiar with that program!) and I am glad that you like it! One question: what kind of salon do you go to? You need to go to a good, quality salon if you want to get a haircut that is drastically different style-wise from the one you have now. That's going to mean spending more money, but it's totally worth it, because at the more expensive salons (the salon I go to averages around $40-50 for a shampoo/condition, haircut, and style session depending on the hairstylist) the hairstylists work for you. If you find a good salon, the people there genuinely want to give you a good haircut that YOU will be happy with, not what "looks good" in their opinion! What I would suggest is this. Find a picture of a haircut you like on the internet. Print it out. Think about what you like about the haircut-- the length? The layers? The shape? Anything. So then call up a few salons and tell them your situation-- ask if they have somebody who is willing to help you out. Also tell them your hair type (fine, thick, straight, etc), as that will greatly influence the type of haircut you will be able to pull off. In general, an adrogynous or less-feminine haircut can be adapted to suit a wide variety of face shapes, so your square face shape should be fine. Your haircut might not end up looking exactly like the picture you printed out, but if you find a good salon and stylist... you'll end up with a haircut that you love and that suits your expectations.
from ethereal-red :
Hey girl, sorry I've been absent lately. Just wanted to say that I am proud of you for getting such a high grade in your class! Go you! :)
from minstrelite :
Well - glad you got it done. :)
from ethereal-red :
My new blog address is: http://etherealred.com
from ethereal-red :
Yep, anainsight is right. The intense mood swings are considered cycling. And girl, I know exactly how you feel. I was right in your emotional spot two and a half years ago. Don't stop trying to find the right social worker, and while I know being on medication SUCKS BIG TIME, it does help when you find the right meds. You need a professional to talk to, you need a social worker or therapist. Keep trying to find one. And I am always here for you. You've got my email address, and I am going to email you and ask for your number again. When I changed phones, your number accidentally wasn't saved to my memory card so it got lost. Hang in there. Life will get better. Don't give in to purge urges, don't give in to urges to die. It's not worth it.
from anainsight :
Listen sweetie - if you're having such bad mood swings, you're "cycling" and you need to see about getting back on the medication - I know it's frustrating, but I hate to see you feeling so bad. Please take care of yourself, and e-mail me if you need to: zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com. Sending you a great big hug!
from ethereal-red :
Sorry about the death in your family. :(
from minstrelite :
My daughter was born on a Thursday.
from minstrelite :
Curious which day was your actual birthday, as mine was Friday. I was born on a Friday, too, and this time it fell on Friday night. My friend Phil bought me a birthday dinner.
from ethereal-red :
I changed to WordPress because I liked their blog options better once I went and checked out what they have to offer. Plus, if you hve a registered domain name, you can link your blog directly to it... which I would like to do sometime in the future. :)
from ethereal-red :
I don't think you're "less than" either. Different due to your VI? Yes. Less than anybody else? Hell no! I am so glady you had a great time in Ottawa! :)
from catfiction :
Hi, and thanks so much for the note and kind sympathy. With regard to edible glitter Twinks bought his stuff from a UK site, but when I mentioned your note he did email them to ask if they shipped outside of the UK and they said yes, so if you're interested in peeking at their wares the site addy is:http://www.fairygoodies.co.uk/acatalog/Edible_Cake_Glitter.html I imagine though that it must be something that can be bought fairly universally. :) Thank you again for your note. T.
from ethereal-red :
Congrats on accomplishing all your goals!!!
from ethereal-red :
I hope the gross smell in your room is NOT a dead mouse. That would be disgusting! Yuck! I am glad you are feeling better. I hope the feeling better-ness continues! :)
from ethereal-red :
Hey, I am glad you had a good time on Ottawa! Sorry, though, about all of your misfortunes with school and the computer. That really sucks. :( I hope you will not have to deal with that particular professor again after this class is over with!
from anainsight :
I am SO proud of you for wanting to get healthy and drop some weight. I read your plan and it sounds great except for one or two things. First of all, eating a vegetarian platter in a restaurant is not always a good idea because of the HIGH carb and fat content of a lot of vegetarian dishes, plus the HUGE size of the portions in restaurant food. It's better to eat a variety of foods like you said, but to include dairy and lean protein in your meals - it will be more effective. I've gained weight because I haven't been following my own advice, but I do have some idea of what I'm talking about - also my nutritionist has told me that same thing. The only other thing I have questions about is taking the stairs - if you aren't used to doing that, you can REALLY hurt yourself. I would start out with walking on a level surface and building and building up until you have the cardio and respiratory stamina to tackle the stairs - and I would NOT walk up the stairs carrying the heavy backpack because of your VI - if it's top heavy, it can throw your balance off. Other than that, it sounds like a great plan and I wish you all the success in the world! Sorry I haven't been commenting lately, but my little toy poodle has taken all of my time. Now that she's starting to grow up, though, things will be better. Happy Valentine's day, and best wishes for success!!!
from ethereal-red :
I support you in your venture to get healthy!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks so much! It took me forever to get to where I am today... 13 years. I'm glad the post inspired you, it always feels good to hear that from people! :) I have not been on MSN in forever. I haven't switched. I've simply been super lazy about turning it on. :( I'll try and be better about having it on when I am online. I'd turn it on now but I'm heading to bed. It's only 9 PM here but I am exhausted...
from ethereal-red :
I hope you feel better soon, and best of luck with writing the journal/log entry!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! I really hope I get the job too. It'd be awesome and it's in such a conveniant location too! :) Wanted to let you know I completely understand your weight issues. I am now 208 pounds at a 5'4" frame. I need to lose 80 pounds to be at a healthy weight. :( I am working hard, though, and am making a renewed effort to return to the gym and follow my weight-loss meal plan exactly. I am also working with my doctor on getting rid of one of my medications that is known to cause weight gain, Remeron. We're making the switch to Topomax slowly. So yeah. I completely understand how you feel and want to let you know that you can email me anytime and vent if you want to!
from devils-rose :
Hi! I saw that you have me listed as a favorite...I'd like to be able to read yours and return the favor. ^^ Password? Hope all's well by you. Hugs, ~Rose
from ethereal-red :
I hope you feel better soon!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! Yes, it's fine if you leave me notes here on d-land. I check my notes every day or two. I probably will not be linking my new blog to my d-land diary.
from ethereal-red :
I hope this year is a very positive one for you too! I'm proud of you for going back to school! I should be starting this fall at St Paul College for their American Sign Language Studies certificate, followed by their ASL Interpreting certificate. I used to know a ton of sign language--almost fluent--when I was younger. I find the language and culture fascinating!
from ethereal-red :
Your cutting doesn't have to come back once you start to "face life again". Use your coping skills. I have faith in you.
from anainsight :
Happy Birthday!!! Sorry I missed it on the date but I have been very distracted with this little spitfire of a poodle I have here - anyway, Rosie sends poodle kisses for your birthday!
from luxelady :
happy birthday, darlin'!
from luxelady :
I hope you have a lovely holiday, sweetie. xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
Hi! Good to hear from you. :) I am glad your finances are entirely in your hands now. I was relieved when I got off my parents' family plan and onto my own cell phone plan, too. Sure, it means paying money, but it also means greater independance! I think your family will LOVE the baked goods. How thoughtful of you to make everything from scratch! Your mom is right, it's the love and intent of the gift that counts, NOT the monetary value. Congratulations on ALL your accomplishments this year.
from minstrelite :
I hope your situation between you and your Mom brightens soon. I just got back from the Village, where I had my first therapy appointment in about a year. I finally qualified. Maybe we can chat on MSN later.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad your tuition was paid!
from ethereal-red :
Emily, you are NOT a loser! I honest feel privileged to know you, even if I've never met you in real life.
from ethereal-red :
You ARE strong. Everybody breaks down sometimes.
from ethereal-red :
What I can do, though, is send the finished manuscript to you in an email attachment. I'll go try and do that right now.
from ethereal-red :
Well, I'll be making it availible for purchase through amazon.com, it'll be availible in a couple weeks. On Amazon, you can preview the book, and then buy it if you choose to do so. I am not, however, making it availible for download. That would require going through two publishing channels, which is a serious pain in the butt.
from ethereal-red :
I enjoy tree decorating, too. Unfortunately, since I no longer live with my mom and dad, I don't get to participate in that much anymore. Oh well. And thanks, I really think it did turn out well this year, much better than last year's!
from ethereal-red :
Well, I'm all caught up on your entries. I'm glad your mom saved tree decorating until the evening so you could do it with her! I hope your sleep schedule gets back on track.
from ethereal-red :
Hi, I forgot your password. Could you email it to me? It's silverbean3 (at) gmail (dot) com.
from minstrelite :
Hi Emily. I don't remember if I gave you my password or not, but I just changed it. I'll put it on MSN.
from enurta :
what is medical passport?
from luxelady :
hey girl! i have nothing but complete and utter faith in you! you have the motivation, the drive, and the skills to take you anywhere you want to go! go for what you want! xx luxe
from enurta :
sweetie. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. but you are sick, and you needs meds. meds are there to help you! at least take a sleeping pill early every night, then you'll fall asleep and get a good nights rest. it's dangerous not to sleep. I, myself, become psychotic if I don't get my sleep. sure, I wish I could live without meds but that is not an option. because i care too much about the people that love me. you are misunderstood. why would your doctor judge you? if he or she does, than you should switch doctor. you need someone who listens and cares. and don't force yourself to work if you can't. some people just can't work because they are SICK. being mentally ill is a disease. a serious one too. *hugs*
from minstrelite :
It seems to me that it's not necessarily that you're sleeping too much -- it's the schedule that's not in tune with the world around you. I wonder if you could one day stay up really late, like beyond 4am, till like say nine in the morning, and then crash out for a really long time, like beyong 4pm, beyond 9pm, until like say 4am the following day. Then you would be rested and given a fresh start, and you will have inverted your schedule. The next day you'll probably go to bed at a normal time and get up at like say seven. You are not a lost cause, Emily.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks so much for your encouragment in your note you left me. :) I guess my plot didn't SUCK, per day, but it wasn't really going anywhere and I wanted to write something about a non-mentally-ill character just to broaden my horizons or whatever the saying it. :) This new plot, the six short stories, is going super well as I write an outline for it. I feel pretty positive about it!
from ethereal-red :
YEAH! Go you! I am so proud of you for completing your goal and finishing Breakthrough. It sounds like you learned a lot. I know next to nothing about Excel. :( I'm pretty proficient at Word, though. Any news about Goodwill?
from ethereal-red :
I know how you feel about the weight gain. I gained 50 lbs during a period of a few months where I binged constantly a couple years ago, and am just beginning to be able to lose weight. My metabolism was so messed up, it wouldn't let me lose any weight. I do have a gym membership, but only because I can get financial assistance through them due to my low income level. I go to the gym for five hours every week. Could you possibly get financial assistance at a gym by where you live? I only have to pay $30 a month... that's half off.
from minstrelite :
I'm sorry Emily - I deleted your comment by mistake. If you want to re-post it, I can try to answer it again.
from minstrelite :
Hi Emily, I replied to your comment on my Comments Page. About that note, I actually thought I had deleted it -- I guess I hadn't. I'll try doing that now. I don't like leaving notes that reflect only a momentary mood, if very soon later my attitude about the situation will change completely.
from ethereal-red :
Good job on the interview!
from ethereal-red :
Hey, congratulations on getting the interview!
from minstrelite :
Emily, I gotta talk to you about something if you have the time. I'm working today but will be on Windows Messenger later on. Thanks.
from minstrelite :
I know it's hard, but if you can take heart, prostrate cancer is 100% treatable if they catch it early enough. Hopefully they did -- I know several people who have gotten through it, and come out the other side, and wound up all right. I'll definitely be praying for your step-dad.
from ethereal-red :
So sorry about your step dad. :( I hope that they are able to remove his prostate and that it hasn't metastisized.
from luxelady :
i'm so sorry hunny ((((hugs)))) you and your family are in my thoughts
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your kind and supportive note - i appreciate it so much! did you get my last letter?
from ethereal-red :
Also, good luck with the GoodWill job!
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you're back! Sorry you have the flu, that's always a miserable time. I am happy that the Breakthrough class is going well so far, I so need to brush up on my Excel skills considering that I have NONE. :)
from devils-rose :
I'm back from being AWOL, but I unfortunately haven't gotten caught up with your blog. I hope everything's been basically going well. (And I'll probably be rather better about posting again since I leave for England on Wednesday!!! It actually happened!) Anyway, take care. Until next time~
from minstrelite :
Thanks Emily. Yeah, for some reason they're not landing in the right folder. I'll fix it though. Thanks again.
from minstrelite :
Thanks Emily. Yeah, for some reason they're not landing in the right folder. I'll fix it though. Thanks again.
from minstrelite :
Hey Emily, thanks for your note. Say, I have a small favor to ask you -- can you copy that to my comments? The reason is, I set up a new mail client with different folders for everything, and I want to see if it's working. The one from "Diaryland Notes" didn't work -- it was supposed to go into the Diaryland folder but it didn't. So I want to see what the "Diaryland Comments" one does. Thanks again for your note -- somehow I felt compelled to share that portion of my history. God bless.
from ethereal-red :
Hi! I'll miss you too while you are gone! I don't understand your mom either, or her motives. It's a mystery to me.
from smashthegas :
Hey dear can you email me your un/pw again? I reformatted comp and forgot to save it cos Im a dope LOL thanks :D
from ethereal-red :
Know what? I'm very proud of you too! :)
from ethereal-red :
Hey, I think it's great that you have the basement to yourself now and will be using the separate facilities and buying your own groceries. Complete privacy is great, too! :) And I support you planning to move to Ottowa.
from minstrelite :
I've never met your Mom, of course, but it sort of seems as though she changes her mind toward you a lot. I would just ride it out and watch what you say and do for a while. Her cycle, whatever it is, will bring her back around. (Since you asked). Of course, I may be shooting in the dark here. I'm praying for you.
from dragprincess :
sorry, worked fine, i typed the wrong thing in and deleted your note so i couldn't check. thank you.....
from dragprincess :
hmmm...did not work. ack.
from dragprincess :
keep forgetting to ask you for username/password - only if you want to give it up.
from ethereal-red :
You are NOT weak. You are a very strong person!
from minstrelite :
I might have misunderstood your previous entry. I keep forgetting that you're vision-impaired, because you and I have focused a lot on our respective mental health conditions. I meant, in my note, that I purposely involve myself with those in the community here who have mental health conditions and who have befriended me (for the reasons stated), whereas previously I'd have been too selfish or paranoid to do so. God bless.
from ethereal-red :
You deserve positive, non-dramatic friends who treat you well!
from minstrelite :
"Basically I don't want to be one of those stereotypical disabled people where all of their friends and people they hang with other then family are all of the same disability. I don't want to be cucooned anymore from the outside world where there are so many different people not just people like me. Not that I think any less of friends who do have disabilities at all. I just want to be able to fit in with the general population." It might help to consider that many disabled people do both; that is, hang out with and find fellowship among other similarly disabled people, and also still find a way of fitting in with the general population. I used to feel a lot less comfortable about several of m close friends having disabilities somewhat like my own, but I have since seen that they are all making an effort to acclimate themselves to the maintstream (or some portion thereof) notwithstanding their disabilities. So it is easier for me to commune with them, because where else will I find that sort of fellowship? The remarkable thing is that, while our society on the whole has no idea how to relate to those with mental health disorders, those who have such disorders are incredibly facile at relating skillfully to each other. Take heart.
from enurta :
you'd love the anime 'fruit baskets' if you like comedy and romance. it's the best anime EVER. and 'chobits' is also pretty good. check them out at myanimelist.net <3
from minstrelite :
It's also interesting that those paragraphs, including the part you quoted, were not in the original entry I did at 7:50am before going running. I added them after I came back, because I felt something was being left unsaid. Then, after I added them, I felt a peace. So I would say: don't thank me, Emily. Thank God.
from anainsight :
It sounds to me like you have too many low lows and not enough high highs - but at the same time, you are "cycling" between highs and lows. You need to tell your psychiatrist this so he can make adjustments in your medication and hopefully get you back on an even keel. If you will remember, it really isn't anything more than a chemical imbalance in the brain, although it FEELS like so much more. I am thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from funkydude86 :
It was a GREAT party and I happened to be one of those two who was sober and I'm glad I was able to take you to the bathroom. Sorry to hear about the cat and the cutting... I hope things get better.
from ethereal-red :
Okay, lady, getting that drunk is NOT good! You could have very easily gotten alcohol poisoning and died. If you can't even get to the bathroom by yourself to puke, you totally overdid it. I'm sure if felt good, yeah, but what you did was SO dangerous. I'm concerned.
from ethereal-red :
Sounds like you are slipping into a depressive episode again.
from luxelady :
i did get your lovely letter, thank you! i'll be writing you back soon even though you won't get it right away. i'm glad you are feeling positive now!!
from ethereal-red :
You're welcome. And, you know, when I go through hard times, I just try to take it one day/hour/minute at a time, whatever I need to do to stay safe and (somewhat) sane. I also try hard to remember the good in things. Having my therapist helps a ton and being able to reach her by phone is even better.
from ethereal-red :
Nine of Wands rocks!
from ethereal-red :
Living on your own is SO rewarding. Yeah, it's scary at first, but it's very much worth it.
from ethereal-red :
Yay for cat sitting! I'm sure you'll have a great time!
from ethereal-red :
I am glad you are finding peace and a renewed sense of spirit in your faith. I think that's very important. :)
from minstrelite :
That was a really great entry (August 2nd.) I think it's difficult for all of us to stay on track. Part of being a Christian is that we do stray, but God always brings us back. I also have had a lot of bitterness in my heart, mostly toward particular individuals. I've noticed it's been better since I've been on these new meds, though (for whatever that's worth.) Anyway, great entry.
from gr8chick :
Hey, sweetie...May I have access, please? If so, you can send it to sag63@hotmail.com. Hope things are going well for you.
from ethereal-red :
Yeah. Paying all my own bills is rewarding now that I think about it. The exercise classes do make me feel good. They really boost those endorphins! I'm exhausted after most of them but the fatigue is well worth it.
from ethereal-red :
It's cool that your dad is going to pay your cell phone bill. I pay for my own. I wish my parents would pay some of my bills sometimes...
from ethereal-red :
Wow. I would feel violated, too! I'm glad, though, that you got a new mic, your watch repaired, and you can do that cool thing with the screencast now. And I'm even happier that you're going to cat-sit on Sunday! Freedom!
from ethereal-red :
Best of luck with the apartment prospect!
from luxelady :
hey sugar - did you ever get my last letter?
from enurta :
you need to move out. your mom is mean to you. you are old enough to make your own decisions but appearently your parents can't understand that. get out of there while you still can. *hugs*
from dvlsh1 :
Hi sweety wanted to let you know Im blogging over at wordpress.com its under dvlsh1. hope you're doing good. maria
from minstrelite :
I kinda wish you weren't living with your Mom. You've been writing some really great spiritual entries when you've been in a good space, and it sort of seems that your relationship with your Mom is inhibiting your growth.
from ethereal-red :
I agree with you. It makes zero sense to get hired BEFORE you go on vacation! Look for jobs afterwards instead, when your availability increases.
from ethereal-red :
You did a GREAT job on Carole's layout!
from ethereal-red :
Have a wonderful time in Ottawa!!!
from xeison :
im glad that you have been feeling better as of late. i think the choices you made were very reasonable. i am glad that your Step-Mother is starting to understand. You are right, it takes time to find what you want to do for the rest of you life. Unfortunately, society tries to push us there while we are still too young to really know, but you will find what you life with time, and then you can work from there. im really glad that you have been doing better.
from funkydude86 :
Hey! I'm glad to hear that you had that positive experience with your dad and step-mom. :)
from ethereal-red :
Sure. If my initial diary is still locked (can't remember), the u/p is diet/coke. As for my blog, it's private, so I will send you an invitation. The blog title is "A Mind Devoured".
from anainsight :
Hey there - I'm so proud of you! You did a great job staring them down and speaking your mind, and hopefully things will be better for you from this point on. Good luck on finding a job - I don't have one and in the U.S. we are having such a downturn in the job market that the prospects for me don't look good. Maybe for you they will be better - I will be pulling for you all the way! (((Hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Yeah, I did feel that way, like all of it wasn't real, like I was in a dream. I am super proud of you for being assertive with your stepmom at the barbeque. That is such a huge step for you! Yay!
from ethereal-red :
I am sooo glad you had a great time and learned so much at the workshop! That is so awesome. :)
from anainsight :
Hey there - it sounds like you had a fabulous time at the workshop - sounds very empowering and insightful. Wish I could have seen it, I know I would have enjoyed it. Thanks for teaching me about Photobucket - now I'm happy to be able to share my puppy pictures with everyone! (((Hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for the Photobucket instructions. I copied & pasted them into MS Word so I could blow them up with a larger font and print them out and follow the directions. If it doesn't work I'll holler at you. I'm glad you had a good time visiting your family members, and good luck on the 1-week course. I'm also glad you're going to get some good therapy for once. Keep on keeping on; keep on doing "the next right thing" and you will be OK. Sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from minstrelite :
You're doing really good now, and I'm proud of you. I also like it when I'm able to pray a long prayer like that, and really get into it. I think those are special "God moments" when the Lord is actually motivating the prayer, and yet it comes from our own will at the same time. And your general take on reality seems really positive these days. Good for you!
from enurta :
I know what you're going through. thank god my parents changed, they accept that I am ill now. they don't judge me any more. maybe your family will understand eventually? it's not hopeless. try to explain to them but if they still don't understand, keep your distance. stay away from them. that's what I did when my parents treated me like shit, I didn't see or speak to them for 5 years.
from anainsight :
I'm glad your last entry is just your subconscious roiling around. Listen - if anything, if I were you I would be so stubborn in my attempts to live that I would NEVER think that, if for no other reason than "I don't want my stepmom to win!" Know what I mean? Just think how you don't want to give her that satisfaction. I'm sure you'll find another way to thwart them that doesn't involve sacrificing or hurting yourself. In the meantime, hope you're doing well. (((Hugs)))
from minstrelite :
Thanks for talking. It helped. :)
from minstrelite :
Calling the Crisis line has been very helpful for me at times, especially when it's late at night and I am experiencing anxiety and sleeplessness revolving around some certain issue. The Crisis workers are almost always able to calm me down, and also offer insights that later I am able to put into practice.
from anainsight :
Don't say things like "I am hating myself" and "I am such a stupid fuck up" - That right there is PROOF that your dad's and your stepmom's words ARE affecting you. Why should you give them power to make you hate yourself? That's crazy - although I have to confess I've done the same thing. The words of those who are supposed to love us the most can have a PROFOUND impact on us whether we realize it or not. I don't know how to tell you to tell them to stop it, but you really do need to tell SOMEONE how bad they make you feel and either stop putting yourself in a position where you have to listen to them or "tuning them out and replacing the tape" - all the negative things they say, you turn into positive ones. I hope your therapist can help you in this regard. Sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
That stinks that you didn't get to go to Pride this year. Someday, I would like to travel to Toronto. It'd be fun to hang out with you. :)
from ethereal-red :
As you know, I am going back to school in Sept 2009 as well. I don't know the rules in Canada, though, in terms of how dropping out affects your ability to re-enter. Here, you are still enrolled in the school until you have been gone for four years or more, then you need to re-enroll. I don't know how it works up there, though. For sure, I'd contact your disability services department at your school. They should be able to help you.
from minstrelite :
I am a very sensitive person myself, which is one reason why I thought I could identify with what you are experiencing. I have found that, for me, two things are very important: (1) spending time with people who will affirm my positive qualities, and not lay into me with harsh criticisms that are likely only to arouse my sensitivities; (2) communicating to people the people who press these buttons that they are doing so, and that it doesn't sit well with me. About (2), I tend to overlook that one once it's all blown over and I'm in a good mood again. But that's exactly the time to do it! These people need to know that your objections to their behavior come from your wise mind, and not merely from emotional over-reactivity. (This is on my mind because I just did something like that, and it's in my Tuesday morning entry now, in a letter to my sister.)
from minstrelite :
I'm sorry I was unclear. To "tap lightly" of something means to evoke it less freqently. In the case of your step-mom, maybe you could purposely spend less time around her (if possible). Not to the point of avoiding her completely, but reduce the number of times that you have to see her, and reduce the lengths of the visits. And tell yourself that for every minute of time that you decidedly don't spend with her, you will spend that time with someone who will affirm your positive qualities, rather than be so heavily critical -- you've said in the past that she can be psychologically abusive. Now of course, I don't know your exact situation, so I don't know if you can do this...
from minstrelite :
I identify with you in some ways, and I remember similar conversations taking place with my parents when they were still alive, and could say such things. Maybe it's a good idea if you purposely gravitate toward people who are going to affirm your competence and help boost your self-confidence -- people who believe in you. I'm pretty sensitive myself, and I've had to cut off ties with people who don't believe in me. Their effect on me is to undermine me, whether their intentions are good or not. I would think you're at the age when you can begin to tap more lightly of someone like your step-mom, for example. From what I've read, and in talking to you, she doesn't seem like a good influence.
from anainsight :
I think you've hit the nail on the head - your failures and shortcomings ARE your greatest assets - or they CAN be, if you use them as a springboard to move ahead, rather than hanging on to them in fear of moving ahead. Does that make sense? That's what it seems like to me, anyway. Hope you're doing well!
from ethereal-red :
I hope your Father's Day celebration will go okay.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad this appointment went well too. Sorry he's short term, though.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad your appt went well and that you like your case worker!
from minstrelite :
Sorry I didn't make it back to Messenger last night. My daughter called, and I have a tendency to get distracted when she called. Before I knew it, I was walking home while talking to her, and I even got lost on the way home and wound up walking for two and a half hours. Maybe we can chat today. Also: http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/080624_72.html -- I'm a little more honest now.
from ethereal-red :
My mental health case manager (same as a case worker) helps coordinate my care. She also helps me set goals, deal with insurance issues and things like that, and basically is my first go-to person with any questions I have about my case. I also have a financial worker, who handles my grants and things similar to that.
from minstrelite :
I guess I do too.
from minstrelite :
You know, my landlady is the type of person who just likes to argue, especially first thing in the morning. It's as though she needs to start each day out with a vigorous debate just to get her brain cells moving.
from luxelady :
hey sugar i got your card!! just to be sure, do i write back to the address you originally gave me, or to the return address on the envelope? i'm thinking the latter but i want to be sure.
from enurta :
I'm so glad you had a good time! you deserve it! *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you had a good time with your family at the theater!
from minstrelite :
Glad you had such a nice night with your family, and spontaneously at that. Those are the best! Also, those kinds of British comedies are statistically the best box office draws. People are refreshed by the way British humour makes light of "taboo" subjects.
from ethereal-red :
YEAH! Go you! I'm so proud of you!
from minstrelite :
That course at the Employment Centre sounds like something I could use myself. I get caught up in habitual thought patterns all the time, often to the point of being unable to focus, or remember what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.
from enurta :
I'm sorry about the way your mom is treating you. just tell her the truth, tell her to back off. it's YOUR life and YOUR decision. if you're not ready to work, then you're not ready. she has to accept that. But I know how you feel, my mom was like it in the beginning too. she didn't want to accept that I was sick. thank god she changed her mind. your mom will come around sooner or later, give her some time.
from enurta :
have you seen the movie vampire hunter D? thanks for all the tips. btw. I am downloading Blood The Last Vampire as we speak. what do do you think about Studio Ghibli movies? do you like them? I have the dvd collection. :)
from luxelady :
yikes!! sorry for the triple post...WTF diaryland???
from luxelady :
try talking to her once you've calmed down - explain exactly what's going on and what you want (and don't want) from her. if she doesn't get it, well moms certainly can be hard to deal with - i'm still trying to get through to mine! they think what they want to and you'll always be their child and they know best, etc etc etc. try to have patience - i know, it takes a saint sometimes!! i'm thinking of ya....
from luxelady :
try talking to her once you've calmed down - explain exactly what's going on and what you want (and don't want) from her. if she doesn't get it, well moms certainly can be hard to deal with - i'm still trying to get through to mine! they think what they want to and you'll always be their child and they know best, etc etc etc. try to have patience - i know, it takes a saint sometimes!! i'm thinking of ya....
from luxelady :
try talking to her once you've calmed down - explain exactly what's going on and what you want (and don't want) from her. if she doesn't get it, well moms certainly can be hard to deal with - i'm still trying to get through to mine! they think what they want to and you'll always be their child and they know best, etc etc etc. try to have patience - i know, it takes a saint sometimes!! i'm thinking of ya....
from luxelady :
hey babe...((((warm hug)))) i get it. i do. xx luxe
from minstrelite :
I just wrote a long entry containing all the Scriptures I've been using to help me pray with more faith. But I didn't include Romans 8:26b, which might help answer your question. My own answer would have been to just do your best, because nobody's prayer is perfectly worded, and God knows what you mean anyway. Not to mention, He knows what your needs are, and he knew what they were before you ever thought of praying. But Romans 8:26b addresses this specifically: "for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." This suggests that some of our needs are actually verbally inexpressible, and so the Spirit prays on our behalf, in a way that is incomprehensible to us. So it's all good.
from enurta :
i was supposed to write 'you LIKE anime' not 'you LOOK anime' hahah im such a fucking retard sorry
from enurta :
btw - you look anime, right? you should see elfen lied, it reminds me a lot of aeon flux. and you should see soul eater & vampire knights. they are so great!!!!
from ethereal-red :
Hey! I am proud of you for doing what you need to do to live a happy life. If that doesn't mean finishing the program, then so be it.
from minstrelite :
That was a good note that Smash left for you below, Emily. Sorry I didn't note you -- I knew you needed the support, but when I read it, I didn't know what to say exactly, and somehow I just didn't say anything. Me, I've got my own things going on, but mostly good, I now realize. Please read me at http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/080615_59.html and tell me if I'm making any sense. Some things are hard to put into words sometimes.
from smashthegas :
The thing is, there aren't any huge reasons why people turn on you, even after years of what you think of as close friendship. But the fact is there are people out there who won't turn their back on you, who love you and would do anything, and they are the friends that are the reason you get up in the morning. Sometimes you find them at 14, sometimes at 40. But there's always a reason to go on. Always. Smashxxx
from enurta :
they are jealous because you can see them for who they really are. they are jealous because you are beautiful and talanted. fuck them. your entry made me think of a song, christina aguilera's fighter....fuck them. you are so much better than them. there are good people in this world, you've just had bad luck. all of my cloesest friends are people that I've gotten to know through the internet. I met them, and we became friends in real life. good friends. I don't have many, but a few and that makes a huge difference in my life. you will meet a good person some day, you will find a true friend. have a little faith. you've just had bad luck. you are a good person, remember that. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
So sorry you are having difficulties lately. A lot of people have turned on you, but it doesn't mean that all people are bad or untrustworthy.
from enurta :
she can't do that...don't be scared, just be honest with her. why did you stop taking your medication? i've heard a lot of horror stories about effexor but there are other antidepressants that you could try. just be honest with your doctor. *hugs*
from devils-rose :
Thanks for the comment about England. I'd have commented you back sooner, but I've been trying to *not* die from overwork trying to fix all the crap that happened at the end of the year. I really appreciate the sympathy. <3
from luxelady :
summergrrl was a diary i started when i was in law school and i was exploring dating women. i have always considered myself bisexual but never really dated women until then. i wanted a separate diary b/c it was a very positive thing, and i didn't want it all mired down in the negativity of my regular diary. to be honest, this separation from my H has sparked that side of me again and i'm starting to have real questions about my sexuality (bi v. gay)...so it may return again, who knows....that's a lot of personal info to leave in a note, lol...
from ethereal-red :
There would be no reason for her to put you in the hospital as long as you are doing okay.
from ethereal-red :
I honestly think that you have a right to be angry. I'd be angry! I do not think you are overreacting at all. I am also happy that you have your mom and step-dad in your life, and that you know now that they care even when they are angry.
from funkydude86 :
Howdy! Glad to see you back. :)
from anainsight :
I'm so proud of you for differentiating between constructive critcism and abuse - they are two very different things. You're lucky to have your step-dad treat you the way he does. My father treated me like s*** from the day I was born, and so now that he and my mom are gone, my brothers treat me like that. I just wish I had learned to stand up against him and not allow him to abuse me before he died - maybe that would change the way my brothers are treating me now. Anyway, good luck on getting all your stuff back, and go ahead and call your dad rather than try to take public transport. Remember, you might need the police to get inside there, and you NEED someone to back you up. Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I think it is understandable that you do not want to talk to her, that you feel it is too soon. From the note she left me, I gather that she really doesn't get how much she hurt you!
from luxelady :
high school. ehhhhh... sometimes i wish i could go back, the way that i am now, and tell people what the fuck i think of them. that would be so satisfying!! and while we're at it - let's go back to middle school and really tear them all new assholes!! especially some of the teachers!! wooo!! xx luxe
from minstrelite :
Same here. No one who meets me ever thinks I have a mental illness unless I mention it. Then, it's almost as though they're on the lookout for it, and they see it where it is not. That's why I've come to believe it's important to be discreet about whom you share this information with, and whom not. A lot of people just don't understand.
from minstrelite :
I got it now (thanks) and read your entry. Somehow I don't think of you as mentally ill. But I'm a little preoccupied right now.
from minstrelite :
I deleted your note that had the user/pass, then while I was reading your longer note I forgot the user/pass completely! Must be old age. Anyway, it is great to hear from you, old friend. Maybe we can chat on Windows Messenger soon. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
from ethereal-red :
I think it's very important to praise oneself for the little things!
from razor-vixen :
Haha, you're too funny. Yes, that's me!
from ethereal-red :
Finding a job, like enurta said, is very difficult. It's not easy like your dad thinks it is! And I think you did the right thing by leaving school. You saved yourself, and took control, by doing so! I'm proud of you for doing what you need to do.
from enurta :
i was supposed to write 'It's not easy to find a job'. i wrote not istead of to. haha i'm such a dork
from enurta :
it's not easy not find a job. trust me, I know. I am too sick to work. so my insurance company sends me money every month. it isn't much but i get by. are you too sick to work too? you should concentrate on getting better, not finding a job. and don't listen to your dad, he's just mean. he sounds like my dad. and my dad is fucking horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that and listen to his bullshit. but you are strong, never forgot. you didn't kill yourself because suicide is for cowards. you are not a coward!! *hugs*
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Your dad sounds a lot like mine - and my brothers too. Every time they communicate with me they seem to try to wreck me down. My dad treated me like s*** from the day I was born, and my brothers learned to treat me that way from watching him. anyway... Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, OK? I'm proud of you for accomplishing so much - and you just keep right on accomplishing, and the hell with your dad - who needs someone so negative and toxic in their life? Sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from razor-vixen :
That's brutal. She isn't your friend if she'd do this to you. You'll find your way, and with better friends than that. Oh, and I never liked her diary anyways!
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a terrible, stressful situation. I'm glad you took control and left! Good for you.
from luxelady :
i can't believe your so called friend put you through all that!! good for you for getting out of there...don't worry about court, she doesn't have a leg to stand on! i'm proud of you! xx luxe
from anainsight :
Hey Emily, I'm so sorry all those things happened to you - please try to relax and breathe and think about what your next step's going to be... Remember, I'm only an e-mail away if you need to talk - and also remember that these things have a way of working themselves out eventually. I have no doubt you'll be just fine. Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia - and I deleted the message, no worries. Hope you'll be OK!!!
from anainsight :
Hey there - noticed you'd locked - hope you don't mind sharing the username/password with me - the last one you gave me when you changed to this diary doesn't work - either that or I'm typing it wrong - LOL - anyway: e-mail it to me at zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com. Hope you're doing well, thanks a lot!!! Sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the u/p. You're really pretty! I hope you know that. :) What happened? What made you leave?
from razor-vixen :
Hey! Hope you're okay. I'd like your password if I can: razor_vixen@hotmail.com. Thanks!
from enurta :
you locked up...can you send the user/pass to deadpassive@hotmail.com? thanks. I hope you are alright. locking up made me worry. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Hey, could you email me the username and password to your diary to my gmail account? It's silverbean3 at gmail dot com. Thanks!
from luxelady :
thanks so much for all your thoughts and ideas...i want this so bad, i just have to figure out how to get it. i have all the dedication in the world at first and then it deserts me. perhaps if i just keep trying it will get easier....ps - can you send me your UN and password? i don't want to miss a day! ;-)
from razor-vixen :
You're very pretty without glasses!
from luxelady :
you so pretty!! :-)
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your support hun, it means a lot! xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you had a great day! :) Kind of stinks that your dad won't be paying for your phone anymore but, well, I guess that's part of life.
from ethereal-red :
I have found that it is best to cherish the happy moments while they last, since goodness knows they won't stay forever.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, I'm sorry- I forgot to tell you that I went private on my blog. I will send you an invitation to your emilymediema address ASAP.
from anainsight :
I am so glad that you are feeling happier. Isn't it wonderful? I'm also a little better - things were terrible for me for a couple of weeks there, but now it's not quite as horrid as it was. I FINALLY got the good medication on Thursday morning, and I took 10 mg of it at breakfast and 10 mg of it at dinner. Well, by Friday evening I was actually able to go to Wal-Mart and shop BY MYSELF. Yesterday (Saturday), I walked out in the sunshine to the mailbox and the garbage bin, so that was also a big achievement, and I went to Laura's birthday party that night. So I am also feeling a little better. I'm so proud of you, I wish you lived in the U.S. so we could talk on the phone but I don't think my cell phone contract covers calls from anyplace international. Oh well... Take care - I love that your niece's name is Kika. Kika is my favorite name in the world - it was the name of my beloved toy poodle. Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Hon, I am absolutely THRILLED that you are happy!!! And I think that scrapbook and disk idea for your neices is excellent. I think it'll be perfectly memorable and cherished by both of them- way better than some knick-knack they'll just toss in a drawer anyways! Much love to you from me all the way down here in Minnesota.
from ethereal-red :
That's terrible that one of your "friends" took your Visa! How awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with this now. :(
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, and I am glad your roommates were there to prevent you from ending it all. I know you are in a lot of pain, but suicide is not the answer.
from catfiction :
Hi...I haven't had much time lately for journalling, you know how it is sometimes. :)
from gr8chick :
OK...I went and read part of Utopia. I hope that was you're writing. It took me a moment to figure out those were stories. You are a very good writer, but without really knowing what the reploids are and the history behind it, I had trouble following. But the story flowed well, and you are very descriptive. I'm gonna try and read some of the other stories, but I just want to make sure those are all yours, and that I'm not reading someone elses stuff. :)
from ethereal-red :
Feel better soon...
from ethereal-red :
I love the Grapefruit line at The Body Shop, a bath and body store here in the US (not sure if they have it in Canada)! I absolutely LOVE grapefruit, and I cannot eat it or drink the juice because it interacts with some of my medication. So I just indulge in the smell of it in my bath products! :)
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry you missed Mother's Day with your mom. :( That's sad. That Tracey girl sounds like trouble. I'm glad she won't be going back to res next year!
from slow-drain :
It's all good. I'm just happy to have a new friend. Have a good night, and I'll talk to you later! *waves*
from enurta :
it's completely normal to feel that way. you are not a bad person........*hugs*
from slow-drain :
It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human. Don't give up. You hold the power to be anything you want to be. Just breathe, and it'll all fall into place eventually.
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the notes, I will add you sugar you rock!
from enurta :
so psychiatrist can diagnose people in canada? here only a doctor can do that. my psychiatrist just talks to me and gives me support and advice. it's free to see her, after a while....at first you have to pay. that is the system here in sweden. but she can't diagnos people. only help them. she can't write prescriptions either. strange. it's so different where you live. so maybe my psychiatrist really is therapist? i don't know. what is she??? i'm still confused
from gr8chick :
OK...You'll have to school me on what fanfiction is. I clicked on your link, but was not sure where to go from there. I would love to read your work. Just note me or e-mail me at sag63@hotmail.com. ((hugs))
from enurta :
i forgot to ask...maybe my english is crappy, i don't know, but what is the differnce between a psychiatrist and a therapist? i thought they were the same thing. and about seeing someone ONCE a month, why? i see my psychiatrist/therapist once a week. *hugs*
from enurta :
i don't know what you suffer from...it's hard to say. but it looks like borderline personality disorder. but i'm not a doctor so i don't know...i just know a lot of people with borderline.
from ethereal-red :
I checked out your friend's diary, she seems pretty cool! Thanks for recommending her to me!
from ethereal-red :
Hi! Life for me is going decently. Food has been really hard the last few days, but other than that things have been okay. Depression is much better. Myst is doing super well, he sleeps in bed with me now, and is so loving and affectionate even to strangers. He'd be a terrible guard cat. :) The weather is finally turning around here- slowly. It's still a little chaotic, but it's much warmer than it was in general. This is a welcome change. Sunlight and warm days are always nice to have!
from enurta :
oh. i'm so sorry about what happened! but you know...i think you need help. do you have a diagnosis? do they know extactly what you suffer from? sometimes that makes a huge difference. it changed me when I found out. if you're sick and can't function, then you need to see someone and take meds. i know it sucks but it's better than being miserable and killing yourself. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Sorry you missed your appointment. I don't think it was your fault. It's easy to get lost taking public transit going to an unfamiliar place! If I don't have turn-by-turn directions, I get terribly lost, and even then, when I do have directions, half the time I get lost anyways.
from ethereal-red :
I hope your appointment in Toronto goes well tomorrow! Hopefully he/she will be supportive, help you continue to lower your meds and won't try to force new ones on you. I wish you the best of luck!
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad everybody was supportive! Welcome to your new home! :)
from ethereal-red :
My book is finally availible to download for free! If you want to read it, you can go to http://www.lulu.com/content/1373056
from anainsight :
Oh, hon - I WISH I had it all sorted out so I could help you - but as far as employment - that's the one area of life where I have FAILED. Not only failed, but failed MISERABLY. The only reason I still have any self-respect is because my therapist and I are working so hard on it. The only advice I can offer is to finish your education. I don't really understand about the higher education system in Canada, it seems to be VERY different from the way we do it here in the U.S., but most colleges/universities offer career counseling here - and from what you've said about your visual impairment, there seems to be support around that too. I've also learned that in order to GET a job, you have to HAVE a job. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. You may have to take a crappy job just to prove yourself and make a reputation for yourself as a reliable worker - showing up on time, putting up with shitty bosses - that sort of thing. I won't go in to how miserably I failed because it upsets me to even think about it - but I never had ANY guidance or support in this area, and I had virtually NO self-esteem AT ALL. So it seems like I was destined to fail from day 1. But you? You're making big strides by going out on your own, and declaring your independence - and that's something I never had the courage to do. So I think there's a lot of hope for you - if you have enough courage to do that, then you have enough of whatever it takes to find your niche and be happy. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from college-kid :
Thank you! =D
from ethereal-red :
I often feel like everybody else has it sorted out except for me.
from college-kid :
That does help put things into perspective, actually. It's funny, because the guy mentioned in the entires has been telling me the exact same thing-- which inspired me to tell my parents in the first place. I've just come to the conclusion it's not the end of the world and now I'm devising ways to persue my happiness. Thank you for the support, it means alot. =) -- <3 College-Kid
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. That was a very strange dream! But it's nice to know that someone's thinking of me all the way up in Canada. That's a LONG way from way down here in Georgia! Hope you're doing well. (((Hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! I hate that he keeps asking me to smoke it ("come on, just a little... not enough to get stoned...") no matter how many times I say no.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I would post it, but I don't know how to - besides, it was probably wrong of me to even put just that one track out on the Internet, so I better not risk it - I sent it only to my trusted friends. But I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I hope you continue to do well - keep us posted, OK? Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Welcome to your new home! I am so glad you are doing okay. I think you made the right decision. If your family bitches at you, don't let them get you down. This is YOUR life, not theirs!
from enurta :
i forgot to write that i love your new lay-out!!! and I have started watching death note...thanks for the tip.
from enurta :
Good luck spongecake :) *hugs*

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