messages to in19seconds:
(click here to add new message):

from poetinthesky :
Yikes. Sounds like a tough decision to make. Hope it all ended well. Looking forward to hearing great things...
from illusionless :
Congrats on your new job(s). It must be a good self-esteem boost to be 'in-play' and sought after by both companies. I hope you go with the job you enjoy. There is more to life than money. Life is also quality of living. Hope you're well and take care.
from catsoul :
9/15/19. Hi. For what it is worth. I would pick the job you would like to go to day in and day out. Stop trying to please your parents, and probably like you did in your past marriage. I understand, it happened to me. In order to be at peace within yourself, you have to be at peace with your decision. Life is about finding the job in which you can just be. OK then, for what it is worth. Peace. =^..^=
from cocoabean :
Take charge at your job and do as much as you can, learn from your mistakes. You need to rock it! It might just improve if you approach it from a commanding position.
from musikoid :
I think you probably do have a very good chance at that job, as long as you came across confident.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the sleep options. I will try Lavender and see how that works.
from cocoabean :
Try getting a quote from Home Depot for your blinds. We usually beat budget blinds pricing....
from illusionless :
Thank you for the kind words Jessica. :) I play so many different games. No MMO's though. IF you want we can be friends on Steam and you can check out the games I play. ^_^
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jessica. She just goes from one abusive guy to another. She thinks she can "fix" them and she's not even fixing herself. It's below her, really. It's a strange combination of low self-esteem and overconfidence. I'm not a psychologist, but I just spoke to the woman at our recovery center who works with abused women, and she told me that those words, from a woman's perspective, were exactly what a woman in that position needs to hear. It's been wonderful talking with her again, but I've been enabling her out of fear of offending or losing her. She's never going to lose me, and she knows it. But I need to work on my own issues; and in the meantime, my offer still stands.
from musikoid :
Sorry you didn't get the job. It does sound like they were planning to hire her all along. When I applied for the job I told you about (the first job I had since moving to Idaho), they kept telling me there was "one other person" they were considering, and I gradually became pretty sure I was the only one who had applied. There was a series of interviews, and after I left one of them, they called in a woman who was carrying a lot of sheet music, as though she were the other candidate. But I later recognized her as a woman from the church, and when I asked that woman if she played the piano, she said "No." I think they just didn't want me to get too confident, lest I not try hard enough.
from cocoabean :
I think you have the right idea. He tries to get you to argue. Good for you for not getting into it with him. He tries to guilt you into things, and feel sorry for him. You just need to not respond. I know it's hard, but you can do it!
from musikoid :
I just now caught your entry about the interview, which must have taken place on the 8th, today being the 12th. It reminded me in many ways of my own interview for a church job (that of a church organist and choir accompanist), the kinds of questions asked, and a sense I got within myself that I was coming across too "personal" -- even though the personal information revealed seemed necessary to provide context and make sense of others of my answers. I also don't think it was too terribly fallible of you to admit a weakness. This could have been taken as your being human and loosening up a bit. Sometimes they really appreciate our appearing to be transparent. Anyway, good luck.
from musikoid :
Big Al reminded me of someone I'd heard play and sing at an open mike in California about twenty years ago. very similar impression with long white hair and beard. He turned out not to be that guy, but he's been around the block. You could listen and see if there's a resemblance in his voice or style.
from zenayda :
Howdy! I've changed my PW. Might you drop me a line at terrimisu on AOL so I can send you the new one? Thanks!
from musikoid :
3pm Monday what time zone is that? I can pray for you. That might be a good gig. The secretary at my church has it as a full-time job (which is rare) but she seems pretty happy. And I've found it very helpful to be a member of a church; this has helped to ground me in a new community. + I wouldn't have responded at all to that text of Kent's. Or put it this way, my ex-wife hasn't responded to me at all for a long time, and my texts weren't as bad as *that.* I'm not sure why you would feel compelled to engage.
from poetinthesky :
Thank you for you kind words. It helps to hear, sometimes. :)
from illusionless :
Glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. I wonder why so many people become more Conservative the older they get? More experience in life maybe? More common sense? I don't know. :) Thanks for your note. Good luck in this new exciting chapter in your life!
from musikoid :
It does seem that you're entering into a new phase in life. I suspect it will be a very positive one.
from musikoid :
That was a great entry, about the house and what's going on. I think you might be right about relationships. They tend not to last.
from cocoabean :
So glad to see you post! Your house sounds lovely!!
from curious-me :
Hello! I've been catching up on your diary - it took me a few weeks (I started from the beginning because I'm crazy like that) but wow - you have been through some crazy chaotic times! It sounds like you are in a much better place and I hope 2019 is Your Year! And is it wrong to say that you are really good at writing? Your entries are so descriptive and captivating (but I know they haven't been the happiest of times the last few years). Anywho just wanted to reach out and say Hi! Take care.
from musikoid :
I think both things you said about relationships are right on. They may not be original, but it's uncanny (and unsettling) how many people *don't* think that way, about relationships.
from illusionless :
Thanks for your kind words on the bungee jumping resolution. For me my fear wasn't those things. It was the fear of the sensation of falling. I don't like that feeling. Your fears were my family members fears. ^_^
from cocoabean :
Whoever said money can't buy happiness but in ways, it can. It can make your life less stressful even if you're broke. And it always has seemed that once a situation is accepted, the universe comes back with a reward. Stay strong!
from musikoid :
Hey J, I've read your Christmas entry, and it sparked some thoughts. You seem more yourself these days than earlier, when you were writing on WordPress. I'm thinking this might be a good way for you and I to reconnect. I want to go back and read your first four entries, however, before I give my comments. Mostly, what you said about self-judgment resonated with me. I always thought they all were judging me. But why would that be an occupation of their time? It has to have been mostly a projection of my own harsh judgment against myself. That was an eye-opener. And there were a few other, more specific things. I have to work now, but I hope to get to your other entries later on today.
from musikoid :
Sure thing. Check your email.
from musikoid :
Hey Jessica, just noticed you were around. I'll email you my user-pass if you're interested in my accounts of horrible personal situations and wonderful professional situations. I'll get to your entries after a bit. Good to see your username.
from cocoabean :
That is a great poem, and totally describes my ex and me.... hang in there, soon you will feel better.
from catsoul :
12.19.18. Your poem says it all. I know deep down you know this too. Your soul is feeling every emotion so intensely. Thank heavens your mom is there. We hurt terribly when our child hurts. Be kind to yourself. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
Thank you for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. Out pets are and will always be our family. =^..^=
from catsoul :
12.4.18. Hi Lovely new page look. Peace. =^..^=
from cocoabean :
I would like to open a new diary here but Andrew never responded to my payment, so I'm just reading.....
from cocoabean :
I hope it ends soon too. With that many weapons in the house, you are better off not being there. Kent says things to manipulate you, so don't let him influence you. Hang in there!
from cocoabean :
Good for you! You need to take care of yourself. I did the same thing you are doing and for the same reasons. I have actually enjoyed my life since then!
from illusionless :
Wow! What an awful time you've had. I'm so sorry. Good for you for finally saying 'enough' and taking care of yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone!
from illusionless :
Glad to hear you've found such a wonderful relationship. I'm back and catching up on my buddy list. :) Hope you continue to be well.
from cocoabean :
glad to see you back!
from cocoabean :
I am doing well, just out of the habit of posting. I enjoy reading though! Since now my family reads my diary, there is a lot I don't want to write about. I should just start a new one... I will let you know if I do!
from enurta :
you will be missed. xoxo
from cocoabean :
I understand why you are leaving DLand... can you just give me your wordpress addy so I can add it to my feedly? Your new blog keeps telling me it's diaryland.....
from cocoabean :
I hate those lists! Not everyone wants to do those things... lol I certainly would never sky dive!
from musikoid :
Your entry has moved me. Almost to tears. When my friend Dave Wagner died in a car accident, I was sitting with my roommate Lynn who had been a girlfriend of his, and we were both silent and sad. Suddenly she said: "Andy - Andy -" I looked over and she was hugging this huge teddy bear. She passed the teddy bear to me, and said: "Hug this." I hugged the bear - and Dave Wagner was hugging me, with his familiar hug. She didn't even have to tell me why she had passed the teddy bear to me. Then Lynn and I hugged each other, and said not one word. I am sorry for your loss. Your grandma is in a better place now. God bless you.
from zenayda :
I'm so sorry for your loss. Gentle hugs.
from musikoid :
The sentiment expressed in the last sentence of your recent entry is poignant. There's the suggestion that by naming the toads, you convey your fondness or affinity for them. Had you not named them, it would have been because you didn't care. Yet somehow the naming is only symbolic of a deeper condition or connection in the heart, that is somehow unnameable.
from cocoabean :
You could name the next toad Tad! LOL
from musikoid :
I am almost a demisexual but not quite. Also, your template is better now. It's easier to read the text this way.
from musikoid :
I got your note a while back, but have neglected to respond. Too bad you can't get online consistently. I have that problem at times due to my lifestyle, though owning a laptop helps, since I can log on at places elsewhere than "home." ("Home" being only a concept in my world, not a reality.) I care about you, too -- believe it or not. I have something of a hard time making friends in real life, or even figuring out who they are. Only on the Internet do people actually hear what I'm saying, and respond accordingly. In so-called "real' life they're mostly more concerned with superficial things such as body language or the way I'm dressed. Or some kind of social stigma. It never has anything to do with me specifically, but only with me as being some member of a group of people who, in their minds, have already been rejected, every single member of whatever group they've already decided I belong to. The world is strange that way -- but I suppose being a practicing drug addict, being homeless, and hardly ever taking a shower or changing clothing doesn't get me too far in *real* life. That's why I like Internet friendships. I get to cut to the chase, and skip all the annoying formalities.
from musikoid :
Check your email. It's 11:38am PST, Thursday 6/25. If you haven't received anything sent within a few minutes after that time, then please send your email address to andypope7 at zoho dot com.
from cocoabean :
if nothing else, the adventurous athletic alcoholics might be good for a laugh!
from enurta :
"I live in a fog which is my here and now. My future is uncertain and the insecurity of that uncertainty scares the hell out of me. And as for my past? It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try, there are things that happened to me that define my present self. These things won't let me let go of the past no matter how much I hate to dwell on the negative." I feel this way as well. and about the sex part...I can relate <3
from dangerspouse :
That's very, very sad about your grandmother, and it seems there will be no easy answers. All the best to you. I hope this works out as best as can be hoped for.
from musikoid :
I wouldn't worry about what those thieves think about you. I'd figure out some way to press charges. That might sound extreme, but it is theft. Pretending not to speak English is the part that pisses me off the most. Reminds me of the time I went to order a small cup of coffee at a place in Berkeley, and although the price of a small coffee was $1.25, the guy tried to tell me it cost $4, just because he didn't like the way I looked and didn't want to serve me. There's no excuse for misrepresentation of the facts.
from musikoid :
Not sure where that list comes from (Ask Me Anything?) but Nos. 3 & 8 are *definitely* true!!
from musikoid :
Just writing to let you know I just caught up with you, the last two entries. The second one was more optimistic than the first, and brings forth some interesting questions -- about relaxation, about how much of our lives ought to be toward appreciating the present, and how much planning for the future, or even being mindful of it, if being mindful of it is at the expense of being mindful of the present. I don't know - it struck a chord, but I have to think about it some more.
from zenayda :
*gentle hug*
from zenayda :
Yeah, I'd get a good lock on the bedroom door. Or maybe even a safe. I can't blame you for being done with this kid. He sounds like a malignant narcissist and a sociopath. Have you considered counseling just for you? If you have health insurance, it should be covered. It will help you feel less like you're ganged-up on, and give you some individualized attention that is probably sorely lacking in your life right now. Gawd, I can't wait until he's 18. I'd boot his arse out on his birthday.
from cocoabean :
Hardware stores also sell chain locks that can be locked and unlocked from the outside. He sounds like the kind of kid who wouldn't be stopped by a lock that could easily be picked.
from in19seconds :
zenayda - he's 16. He'll be 17 in May, so roughly a year and a half left. And I think he is stealing my stuff and selling it. Kent's stuff too. I just don't have proof. I've taken to locking my bedroom door (I have a skeleton key) every time I go out now.
from zenayda :
You sure the kid isn't stealing your stuff and selling it for drug money? I wouldn't put it past him, especially the jewelry.
from zenayda :
How old is that punk? In other words, how close are you to being able to throw him out?
from koorikaze :
It is normal to hate someone if they have intentionally hurt you and your family, regardless of age. Sending pixelated hugs and praying for your spirit to be restored.
from musikoid :
One last kinda koan here. "Make Haste Slowly" is a good imperative. That's the slogan of a spiritualist group, the Builders of the Adytum. "Adytum" is Greek for "Inner Temple." Also, if you can find the Parable of the Sower in the New Testament, and divorce yourself from the standard Christian interpretation, there's a lot to be side for trying to find the "root in yourself" when you feel you are at the bottom. You will be in my thoughts.
from musikoid :
I just now read your "and so on and so forth" entry. You seemed to post right while I was commenting on the previous post, which was a bizarre synchronicity of some sort -- be that as it may. The dream analysis was fascinating. For some reason, however, I thought of myself as the "Elephant" -- though of course the extent of your having "fed" me is limited by, well, we hardly know each other or even talk to each other. But I do feel "fed" in our interactions, far and few between though they be. They are meaningful; my soul is fed. So to continue, the thing about the bananas made sense in that context as well - I defer to the Intellect a lot because of sexual repression, or vice-versa. I'm trying to break through that one - there's a lot of imagery there. This was off the cuff, and I will think some more, no doubt.
from musikoid :
About the contractors who screwed up your kitchen sink, and the apathetic attitude of the builder; I agree that it's wise to begin saving documentation with an eye toward eventual litigation. My only word of precaution, perhaps as comes commonly from a certain kind of older fellow, would be to proceed slowly. In fact, if you could slow down in every possible area, and yet still feel that you are "proceeding," it would be ideal. You won't get as stressed out, and you'll be more prone to sufficient preparation. Not just about the house, the builders, etc.; but about your entire life. When a person feels that they might be at the bottom of a ladder, and that it's a struggle to get up to a more acceptable place, they are usually prone to a desperation to try to improve things as quickly as possible. Instead, go the other route. Not only in terms of slow improvement of circumstance, but also take some time to examine the very nature of the "ladder." That's when you begin to build a sturdy foundation. I hope I don't sound arrogant saying this. My life is certainly no shining example of anything great. It's just that these are things I've realized, by now. OK! Always good to hear from you. :)
from musikoid :
Thanks for the kind words. I think of you often as well. :)
from musikoid :
Just a couple thoughts. (1) It might be that forgiving, for you as well as others, actually dynamically *involves* not forgetting. In my case, sometimes I have to understand the situation so thoroughly, and see the big picture so clearly, that forgiveness is an automatic result of my finally reaching the level of awareness where I perceive the other party's *innocence* in the situation -- whereas previously, I had only perceived their guilt. (2) Rather than fight not to feel, which I think you will agree can't possibly be the correct course, you might consider fighting to feel *more fully.* You might reach a point of feeling things so completely that you even feel the other person's feelings, and much as it might not have been thought to be possible, you can identify with those feelings as well. In any event, if you can cry, it will be cleansing. If you believe in God, when you have reached the place where you can cry no more, then God will wipe every tear from your eyes.
from zenayda :
The kid sounds like a sociopath. I remember reading about what he did to your cat, and about how he physically bullied your husband. He sounds like he needs one of those boot camps.
from cocoabean :
You can't evict him as long as he's in school, but once he's out, you have that right. Before then, you need to set down some rules, and figure out what of his to take away when he doesn't obey. If he acts like a 3 year old, treat him that way.
from cocoabean :
You can always evict him once he's out of high school... then he will be an adult and responsible for his own life.
from cocoabean :
I just hope you will be able to get him out of your house without him trashing it. He will be angry that he's not getting a free ride from you, but stay strong!
from cocoabean :
My pasttimes seem to change as I age and grow. I have always been an avid reader, but since moving to California (6 years) I've probably only read 30 books. My life is happier and I don't seem to need to escape to other worlds.
from tobehis :
Yay for vacations! I'm glad you got to get away. It can do a world of good. Buying (building?) a new house seems kinda sudden, but maybe you've been thinking about it for a while and just didn't write about it (or maybe I missed it, which is really easy to do these days).
from tobehis :
Thanks! I was looking for something with bright colors for a change. I never got to see Book Thief. :-( I found it in a theater near me when I was looking for movie times for something else (I THINK it was when I was taking my niece to see Frozen, but can't be sure) but when I looked again a few days later it was gone. :-( I LOVE to read, but since I got my new job (started full-time in mid-January) I don't have time to read as much as I want. I only get half an hour for lunch, which doesn't give me time to read while I eat, and by the time I get home from work and eat supper all I wanna do is shower and go to bed. :-/ I have been reading more this week. I'm in the middle of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I'd never read them. Started with Hobbit at the beginning of January and am now a little over halfway through The Two Towers (I could have had them all finished in probably about a month when I was unemployed). ...Ok, too much typing, you're probably bored to tears by all my chatter by now. O:-) Thanks for the note!
from musikoid :
You're not wasting away. That's only in your head, as a reaction to ephemeral circumstance. I'm the one who's wasting away, I'm pretty sure, if for no other reason than being 25 years older than you. (And there are plenty of other reasons.) But you always see pretty lucid and fresh to me.
from tobehis :
What types of books are you reading?
from zenayda :
Based on all you've written about JR, from his mouthiness to his cruelty to your cat to his violence against his own father, he does not sound like an average teenage boy. He sounds like a sociopath. No one could possibly fault you for having anger toward him. Your subconscious is just barfing it up while you sleep. But from where I sit, your disgust of the boy is completely justified.
from zenayda :
Thank you for your condolences. He was strong of mind and spirit. His body just wouldn't let him stick around to share his thoughts for as long as those who loved him would have liked.
from tobehis :
Random update, I was looking up showtimes for another movie and stumbled upon the fact that Book Thief IS playing in my area. I was happy. :-)
from tobehis :
I wanted to see the movie The Book Theif so badly...but it wasn't showing in my city! Majorly bummed. I've got it on my book list to read. I also prefer "real" books instead of a Kindle or Nook or whatever. I don't even have one. (My Grandma has a Kindle Fire, which cracks me up...she's 85 and knows more about Kindle than I do.) "Sometimes, I think technology is worse for us than it is better." I agree...I think sometimes we know too much for our own good. And half the time (it seems), the stupid technology doesn't even work. We'd be able to get things done faster the "old" way in the time we spent trying to fix all the bugs and problems with our technology!
from minstrelite :
Briefly (to your entry), I'm not sure if memory lapse of the kind you mention is an age thing. You probably just read a lot of books, and you probably tend to breeze through them rather rapidly. At my age (ahem!) I notice a diminished short-term memory (though it's always been kinda of lousy; I've always been absent-minded) and an almost magnified long-term memory. I think this might be part of why people so easily drift into long detailed stories of distant past events when they get older. But to not remember a book you read falls more into the long-term memory category. That's not something that ordinarily fails with age, I believe. I could, of course, be wrong.
from minstrelite :
I meant, Jessica. (Early in the morning.)
from minstrelite :
Thanks, Jennifer. I'll send that email now. I'm mostly over here now, not on Musikoid so much. Hope you're well.
from musikoid :
I changed my password again. I can't find your email - Outlook zapped all my emails for some reason, six years worth of them. But anyway, leave me a note if you want to read...hope you're well.
from zenayda :
Happy birthday! And it will be a happy one without that punk-ass brat in the house, won't it? Good riddance to him!
from cocoabean :
Happy birthday tomorrow! And congrats on getting JR out of the house... it needed to happen. Teens need more time than you have to give.
from musikoid :
You don't need a juvenile delinquent in the house, with all what else is going on. I'm glad you kicked him out. He should have been grateful, and instead he was taking advantage of you. + On childhood objects, I wouldn't rid myself of them if I were you. I really miss a lot of the things I lost somewhere along the way, in all the moving. They're a part of you. Why should you give them away, not knowing their fate?
from zenayda :
Seems to me your feelings are perfectly normal, given the situation. And honestly? Facebook sucks.
from cocoabean :
With hospice there, it kind of sounds like you feel like you've lost control of the house. That would make me want to hit something!
from cocoabean :
You just keep doing the legal things that need to be done, and yes, he needs to finish his will. That is the only way you will be protected in this. Kent needs you now, to protect him and ease his way... be strong, it is in you!
from zenayda :
I know it has been a long, rough road that you've traveled. You strike me as a very strong woman, and he is lucky to have you by his side in his final months. My thoughts are with you, and I am hoping that his family recognizes your position and that these next few months go as smoothly as possible. Hugs, chica.
from musikoid :
That's really hard what you are going through. I feel bad about my attitude recently but life is just breaking me down, it gets to where having a positive attitude, though I've always believed in doing so, starts to feel like just another added burden. Maybe we can pray for each other, and that can't hurt.
from tobehis :
You just made me crave Fazolis. :-P What do you get there?
from zenayda :
YAY! I'm so glad you're feeling better. Amazing, isn't it? I remember when I first started taking the T4. It made me realize how bad I was feeling before. I mean, I knew I felt bad, but feeling good made me realize that I felt worse than I thought, if that makes any sense at all. And seek and find...Do you mean like hidden object? I'm embarrassed to say that I have about 200 of them. I've been a member at BigFish.com for three years. Well worth the $7.60 per month, especially when you have access to all the special sales. I haven't bought many games lately, because I've had so much work, but I do love to spend a few hours lost in another world when I can.
from tobehis :
I'm glad you're feeling better! What have you changed?
from musikoid :
I haven't had the issue you mentioned, but from other people's descriptions of it, it sounds just about as bad. Maybe the aftereffects are not so long-term, but I think what they have in common is the addictive element. I have a hard time saying "no" to people, so when it is combined with the temptation, I find it almost impossible not to give in. But when I have on rare occasion been able to decline, I feel a hope as you describe. One Day at a Time - I'm not happy about this, but I'm not beating myself up either. Nobody's perfect and this is probably just my Cross to bear.
from tobehis :
I know what you mean about "snubbing" people because of shyness. I want to talk to people, I want to connect with friends, but when I see them at church walking through the halls or something...I act like I'm really busy and hustle on by, or when someone talks to me I answer as quickly as possible and then walk away. They must think I'm such a stuck-up snob, and I hate it. And I applaud you for committing to work harder on your marriage. Most people don't feel that marriage is a sacred bond any more, but it is. It's hard work, but it's worth it to work to keep it together. More power to you. :-)
from musikoid :
Thanks for your nice note. About thyroid medications, I've been taking levothyroxin for generic synthroid since 2008 for a hypothyroid condition. It's the only medication I take - I'm not sure what the differences are but I found this message board that you might find informative: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x732x12734065 -- apparently it's got something to do with if they mix it with sodium or some kind of sugar or dish it out in micrograms or milligrams, or something along those lines. I went four months without it recently, and my energy levels were definitely helped when I went back on it, even the generic. I might have iron-poor blood too, I'm not sure. I need to go get checked.
from musikoid :
I sent you an email with the user/pass.
from zenayda :
I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which is autoimmune and causes hypothyroidism. I'm on Unithroid, which is the same thing as Synthroid but with different fillers. It sucks, but once you get it under control you'll feel a lot better. Same goes for the anemia. I'm just glad it's all stuff you can treat. FWIW, when people have one autoimmune disorder, they are at higher risk for others. If your joints are still achy once your thyroid is under control, I'd ask the doctor about that because it's a sign of rheumatoid arthritis.
from cocoabean :
I'm so glad you got to a doctor! I hope all the meds do their jobs and you can stop taking some of them. As for your grandmother, maybe she should be checked by a doctor. That behavior isn't normal.
from musikoid :
Did your grandmother ever call you that before? I'm not done reading yet, but I probably have to leave this computer in a couple minutes. I was trying to figure out if it were caused by whatever's happening with her head now (old age, off meds, mental health), or if this were a lifelong pattern of cruelty.
from curious-me :
Hello, I stumbled upon your diary a few months ago and read it beginning to present. You are a very talented writer and I have added you to my 'buddy list' if that's okay. I hope things are going okay for you now.
from musikoid :
I'll pray for your brother. I try to remember to pray for all the people in my own life that they're always telling me to pray for, but usually I don't remember unless somebody's really sick or something. I don't know you well enough to know why you say there won't be any grand-children. Maybe I missed something? Anyway, I know mood swings can be a huge weight -- I still don't think you're bipolar though; I mean, I agree with you, I think. I'm not sure about me, but it seems with me it's all diet, rest, exercise, and drug-related. Otherwise I think I would probably be in the same mood every day, with an occasional outburst of some sort.
from musikoid :
Briefly, having read your entry, I don't believe you would ultimately be suicidal like Hemingway or Plath. You have too much on the ball as a human being, too many good and original ideas, and too much love of life, and sense of life-purpose. I wish I had more I could say, but again I am constrained due to time on a public computer.
from musikoid :
I just read your beautiful note. You know, I think you are right. Not all who wander are lost. Also, Christian-wise, the Bible does say that "we confessed we were strangers and pilgrims on the Earth" and also "for here we have no continuing city, but we seek one to come." People can become so attached to a single house or a single city that they forget about the impermanence of earthly life, and then they are not flexible enough in the event of death -- not that I would know for certain that any of us can be "flexible" at that juncture. But the point is, we get attached to people, places, and things - and then forget who we are in the process. Anyway, I update just enough to let you know I'm no longer in Stockton, however temporarily. I'll try to explain in a future entry. I'm not so much confused as I am certain that right now I'm where I belong. I'm just paranoid enough that I'd prefer the city not be identified. I've been through some really weird stuff, including an apparent break-in to the cottage and something ominous left on my doorstep. It is, after all, very easy to break in, and I myself usually break in, having forgotten my keys. Something was also planted in my pants pocket, something I did not purchase. I then fled the city in fear. I figured it might have been poisoned. I've been in the regular hospital another time and the loony bin another time. I'm more comfortable inhabiting the streets of a college town right now than I am in the cottage. But right now I'm coming from about 9/10 emotion and 1/10 reason, due to my not having slept for days and being in ativan withdrawal. I'll write again soon, but basically I'm saying that I had a strong spiritual feeling not to leave the cottage, and an even stronger feeling later on to leave it. But I don't know if I've left it for good. I do know that I'm a lot happier now than I ever was in Stockton, and it is great to see my friends again, people who actually know me and like me -- the real me -- and not the impostor who hides behind computer screens and other smokescreens and masks.
from musikoid :
The answer is yes - I still would like your email. I no longer own a personal computer, which is the sole reason for my lack of recent updates. I haven't read the lengthier note yet, because I am on limited time on a public computer. I'm going to try to fit in a DiaryLand entry as well as an email check, then read your note. I'm in benzodizepene withdrawal right now, which happens every time I get let out of the hospital. This is my third day without sleeping, and my reading comprehension (which is ordinarily very poor) is worse than ever. But thank you for reading, and for leaving the note. If you get a second note from me after this, it will be in response to your note. God bless you.
from tobehis :
I didn't realize you lived where the tornadoes got bad. Glad you're safe!
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting me. I've been reading you, enough to get the general picture anyway. My commitment to DiaryLand is very low now. I'm thinking of dropping out, just because - I kinda made an ass out of myself here. I had an email I was going to send you - but I didn't have your email address right, I guess. Anyway, it's good to hear from you.
from musikoid :
Um you can delete the last two notes about my daughter if you like. I've been buzzing her enough on Facebook and have seen enough "check marks" to know that she's reading. I know you haven't been on for 7 days but have been asking whoever is still following my entries to give an indication with a note saying: "I'm still following." Not asking for anything more, as I'm involved in early recovery, and a lot of people have been saying that my entries and emails, etc., are incomprehensible. That's kind of embarrassing, because I'm pretty sure they make sense, at least to me, anyway. + I'm addicted to the Internet, too, but I've never played a computer game. It's sort of like playing the Lotto or gambling; I've never done those things because I've got enough addictions as it is. Hope things are going well with you & yours. Take care.
from musikoid :
Actually, I was just informed of the Facebook check mark feature that confirmed for me that she has in fact read my most recent heart-felt letter to her via Facebook, which I'm sure is distinct from any previous message throughout the past year. So I'm more chill, although once again I do reiterate the request. She's probably processing the information, and if I let go from here, this should hopefully increase my chances of hearing from her in the future. I really do not vibrate well with the total misnomer that is the so-called "Information Age." My apologies.
from musikoid :
This note is to be plastered on my Notes page and on the Notes pages of all my friends. There are two ways that I know of that can give my daughter a rough idea of what's going on with me. Everything else is conjecture. (1) she can go to my Notes page, or to the Notes pages of any of my friends. (2) She can read the titles of my entries, which in some cases are quite morbid. Other than that, I have no solid evidence beyond vague speculation that any of my emails or Facebook messages to her have been opened or read. Kindly delete (as best you can) any and every note that could possibly be a source of pain for my daughter, or a deterrent to my Number Two priority in life, which is to ensure, though any means within my capability, that there is face to face contact between me and Echo before I die. This is also necessary so that the longstanding and ongoing disconnection between Echo and me will not be a deterrent to my Number One Priority of complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol for the rest of my life. Thank you.
from musikoid :
That was kind of cheap of me, to wuss out like that. All I was going to say was, I can feel your pain. My Mom thought she felt so much better three days before she died that I'm sure she pushed herself way past her limits before having to go to the hospital again and shortly later dying. She confused feeling good "spiritually" with feeling good "physically" and I think that a lot of us do that. People who are bipolar (like her, like me) or people who are addicts (like your husband, like me) do it in a way that is more pronounced, and have a more difficult time detecting it and stopping it. That's my take on it anyway, and I can feel how frustrating that must be. But on the thing about the "secret savings," I don't think you should put any more shame upon yourself than it's called for. No marriage is perfect, and my mother always kept a secret savings that my Dad never knew about, partly out of fear he would cut her off, and partly because her perception of her children's needs was different than his, and she wanted to make sure her children were all right. Looking back, I think my Dad was closer to reality on that one, and Mom was probably over-protective. But she did it out of love, and what you are compelled to do (whatever the details of your circumstance) is also out of love. I also disagree with the modern psychologists who say that "family secrets are toxic." I've seen more families fall apart because everybody let everything out into the open, than families that have fallen apart because people showed the wisdom of discretion. My two cents.
from musikoid :
I meant: "to be able to focus and read it." (I inverted the "and" and the "to." I do things like that a lot these days.)
from musikoid :
I want to comment on your last entry, because I feel that something must have made my mind slow down enough to be able and focus to read it, and I do have a couple things to say, but since I am an addict myself, and it is a sickness as you say, I'm a little hesitant to say anything.
from tobehis :
My mom bought Mucinex this last time, and I didn't like it; it didn't seem to do much good for me. Thankfully, the z-pack seemed to do it's job. I'm feeling about back to "normal," whatever that is. ;-)
from musikoid :
Last time I bought a Dell, the hard drive crashed, they replaced it, then the new hard drive crashed, and I think at that point they might have replaced the whole computer had I not lost the receipt and pretty much simultaneously decided I didn't want to buy a Dell. Among laptops, Toshiba has been the best I've ever had by far. I've had this one over a year, and I type so hard you can't even see the letters on most of the keys anymore. Never freezes or is slow on start-up, virtually no problems with it at all. + I did catch spots of your other entries but just want to catch up before I try to say anything.
from zenayda :
Just FYI: That writer is alive and well and posting on his Facebook page, so it appears you were right.
from musikoid :
"Optimistic Denial" does have a nice ring to it. In fact, for better or worse, it pretty much sums up my entire attitude. Thanks for that.
from musikoid :
I've been having a lot of trouble with typos lately and left out or slightly altered words. If you can't make out anything in that note, let me know. I did see the word "or" where it should be "are." There might be others.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry to hear that your husband is ill. I hope I didn't pressure you to leave a comment. I didn't mean to, if I did. I won't take it personally if you don't leave a note for a while, because I have made that mistake in the past, and I have thought this through. When I post to excess, it causes me to develop a warped idea as to how often I can expect people to respond. So it triggers my abandoment issues, and then my statements to others reflect a much greater sense of abandonment than is actually real. I do think outside of the box, and you're right, it is okay to do so. However, it occasionally will cause those who think "within the box" to be unnecessarily concerned about certain aspects of my personality that are not only acceptable, but that might actually be sources of great joy to me, or even essential to my very being. So it is always awkward when someone expresses concern for me in a situation where concern is not called for, but happiness for me would be the expected response instead. However, because I *have* been behaving in ways lately that are not acceptable even to me, let alone to anyone else, I have been a source of confusion and frustration for those who have tried to help me. This has happened not only on DiaryLand and Facebook, but also with friends I've made fairly recently in real life, as well as at the church I recently joined and no longer attend (for good reasons, by the way.) Because I am the common denominator in all those situations, I am working on presenting my personality in such a way that my current problems will be not be confused or lumped in with postive traits about me that, while they may be inconoclastic, or not at all causes for concnrn, because those qualities have served me well for many years. (This is why my longtime close friends and my brother and sister and not down on me these days, but are actually very optimistic about my prospects, in stark contrast to those who have only met me recently in real life. or have only known me through DiaryLand, where I have presented this misleading impression. And of course, most importantly, I am working on effecting a solution to my problems, which center around a very embarrassing issue, which I am sure you have detected by now. However, since I left the last note, there have been new signs of hope, and I feel that it is now possible for me to overcome my chief difficulty without having to relinquish that which is essential and vital to my being. So I am much encouraged than I was when I left the last note. Thanks also for the book recommendation. Anything that might help me understand where my daughter is coming from will be something I will want to take a look at. very nice to hear from you.
from zenayda :
Thanks. Best part is that it's not hard to figure out who he is by his entries if you're familiar with the publications and what he has written about. I hope he gets help, because even if he's not serious about it and is just blowing off steam, it's a sign something is wrong. In other news... For cities at risk, I worry about S.F.
from cocoabean :
The big cities on the coasts also tend to have a strong military presence. Why can't people just live in peace?
from musikoid :
I'm still behind on your entries, not that I don't intend to read them, but just that I'm so messed up in my life right now, I can hardly focus to either read or write. I've written more entries since the last one if you want to comment or have been able to form a comment that you feel might be useful. My heart was warmed by your note because it came at a moment when I was feeling rejected and hurt, but possibly I freaked you out as well, if you went further toward finding things out about me. I've basically offended almost everybody on this site, as well as everybody else I know. So it's entirely up to you whether you want to continue to read me. I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to continue to write.
from tobehis :
Thanks for the note. I have some great online friends, but I'm not even online as much as I used to be any more...working full time is taking all my energy. :-/ (Hence the few-and-far-between updates.) Hope you're doing well! Sorry I haven't been keeping up with your entries. I haven't had the time to read anybody, lately.
from musikoid :
Yeah - I see that I've fallen three entries behind with you. I'll make a point of reading them all today (Thursday) and then leaving you a note. :)
from musikoid :
Oh - I just read your note. If you read my very recent entry (written within the last half hour), I said I wasn't checking email or notes for a while. But I automatically went to the DiaryLand notes page without thinking. Anyway, yeah -- thanks for saying I'm a good guy. I don't hear that too often. When I do, it means something, because I don't always see myself as such. I did hear from Phil today, and to my surprise, he was not insulted or hurt or offended by my outburst. He said he understands that I get that sometimes, and he didn't take whatever I said to heart. But I do know what you mean. A contrite heart goes a long way. The fact that one feels bad about having done something awful is a good thing, because it indicates a conscience and a desire to do the right thing. Still, I do have experience with some who have just been too hurt too many times, and because I have lost some friends that way, I wish I could learn to foresee and exclude the behavior. But it is good to have understanding friends as well. And hey -- thanks for your note, I appreciate that. I read you a couple days ago (the song lyrics) but if you posted it again, I've not read it yet. Right now I am super tired, and came to DiaryLand almost out of a sense of obligation, as though I couldn't let myself get to bed without posting here first. But I'll read your newer entry(s) in the morning. Thanks again for your thoughtful note.
from zenayda :
Yep, looks all fixed! I like that font, too. :-)
from zenayda :
I think something is screwy with your template. The type is really, really tiny, and when I zoom, the text column gets skinnier while the photo and type get bigger. Does it in both Firefox and IE.
from musikoid :
I added you to my favorites list.
from musikoid :
What I wrote was totally inappropriate, including and especially involving you. I don't know how to explain it except to continue saying that I have a problem with impulse control when it comes to the Internet, and if I get mad at *all* (which fortunately isn't all *that* often), I am likely to "lose it" and fire off about ten or twelve nasty messages to people indiscriminately. I think I understand your note, and just wanted to apologize / acknowledge that it was inappropriate, and explain that I was out of control. For example, anybody who knows me knows that I am not anti-gay or anything along those lines, far from it. That, and writing to you (although you and I actually *have* talked a couple times, and I've read your diary - but it was a few years ago) -- anyway, I shouldn't have involved you, and I'm sorry. Oh, and I assumed you and Emily were the same age - that was just an assumption based on no evidence, but again: I was just not myself - this happened on DiaryLand about five years ago, and I wound up leaving like 30 notes in a row with somebody just because I couldn't control my impulses on the Internet when I was having a "moment." Then she never talked to me again, of course. About the generations, maybe it is that the people are just younger. But I try to think back, and I think that to compare a 28-year-old person in 2013 to a 28-year-old person in 1973, all other things being equal (or as equal as possible), is really unrealistic. Times have changed, and I think some of us old guys maybe just haven't kept up with the times. Anyway -- thank you for your note, I just wanted to try to clear the air a little. I didn't write back earlier to apologize because I was aware you might not remember me, and I was hoping you'd forget about it. I've just got a lot on my mind.
from zenayda :
Sent the password to your Yahoo email addy.
from musikoid :
Your generation is completely lacking in compassion for those who are hurting. I have always been Emily's friend and kind to her, she got on this high horse all of sudden, and there are two sides to every story. I wasn't telling her how to live, I love her too, I'm an old man who can't handle the Internet and I'm hurting. She acts as though I'm the scum of the Earth. We were friends for six years and she just deleted me like I was a piece of shit.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the wonderful note. I love your diary too and you are also an amazing person. Once I get my new diary on a different site, I will send you the info so you can keep reading. Thanks for your support. I'm sorry I didn't give you the information. I wasn't aware you were reading. :( But you can follow me for sure!
from zenayda :
Just sending some support your way. You will get through this. You're in the place I was when I got separated: Just done. A lot can change in a year, especially once the legalities get rolling. The year after my ex moved out was one of the happiest of my life. You'll see. The relief will be palpable. Hugs!
from cocoabean :
That's also how I knew my marriage was over.. when I stopped caring what happened to the man I was living with. And good for you for putting your foot down and telling him to leave. Even if he doesn't, he now knows just where you stand.
from zenayda :
You've been under tremendous strain for several years now, coping with situations that would eat away at anyone who isn't a completely codependent martyr. If you can find a way to channel your anger and frustration productively into action, there will be nothing you can't do. I feel for you with this. Although I haven't been in a situation like yours, I have had feelings like the ones you describe, and there are days when nothing short of that bat to a punching bag will work.
from cocoabean :
You are stronger than you think, and you will have no problem holding it together. You can do it!
from zenayda :
I'd sooner suffer the deepest, blackest pits of despair than lose my words, but that's just me. Plus, words are how I earn a living (such as it is), so I can't lose them. Writing is what and who I am. To lose that would be to lose myself.
from illusionless :
I also agree with Cocobean. Hello stranger. I remember you! I used to read you a while ago. If you remember me would you like access to my diary again?
from zenayda :
I'm with Cocobean. You're at the threshold. Take that step.
from cocoabean :
Honey, the door is open, and you are standing in the doorway! I have been where you are, and you have taken the first big step. I am SO behind you! Do yourself a huge favor and go see a lawyer. You owe it to yourself!
from zenayda :
About your weekend away, that would have driven me INSANE. It's so manipulative and childish, not to mention petty and more than a tad emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. :-(
from tobehis :
It's VERY frustrating not to have music when exercising! Hope you can get it fixed soon!
from tobehis :
You know when you go in to edit your template, it has some html shortcuts and what they do? Like %%entry%% or %%short_description% ... well, I think it lists how to get the diary list on there. I don't remember exactly what it is. It's something like %%buddy_list%% - just put that wherever you want the list to show up. Hope that helps!
from tobehis :
Of course I've never been in your situation, but from reading your posts it sounds like you know what the right thing to do is concerning Kent/Frank... Doing the right thing is never wrong. You won't regret it, after the pain of letting go of the "forbidden" passes.
from zenayda :
Ah, yes, that disconnected, floating feeling. I think I know what you mean. It's an awful way to wake up. :-(
from zenayda :
I've locked up. If you're interested in the password, please drop a line to: beltway belle AT yahoo dot com (closing up all the spaces and using the correct punctuation, of course). I just feel safer that way, and when I feel safe, I write more. Starting over from October onward.
from tobehis :
Found myself nodding my head to a lot of that entry - the shyness, and MAKING yourself go to social events, pretending that you're having a good time when you're really bored stiff or uncomfortable because of your shyness, for example. And following people's lives on Facebook that you never see or talk to otherwise...weird, huh?
from tobehis :
Haven't been in a "commenting mood" lately...but just wanted to let you know I'm enjoying the more frequent posts. :-)
from cocoabean :
I guess we'll find out the answers to all those questions once we die.....
from tobehis :
Wow, those are some vivid memories of 9/11. I was in 8th grade. ~ Thanks for the note - but he doesn't have a Facebook. :-/ I found out his last name when we first exchanged e-mails (and mine was accidentally on the account I created, but I figured out how to take it off) but I don't remember it. I asked him how much of my personal information he remembered, and he said nothing (or not much, something like that). So I really don't have a way to check up on him.
from zenayda :
Hi there. I hope you don't find this creeptastic, but one night I stayed up most of the night reading your journal. I stumbled onto it, saw that you are using a template I used to use, and said, "This clearly is a woman of good taste," so I started reading, and here we are. It seems entirely trite to say that I hope things turnaround for you, but it's true. From out here looking in, you've had more than your fair share of b.s., stress, and aggravation, and if she's just, karma owes you happiness in spades.
from tobehis :
I can't imagine being in your shoes. Such heavy burdens to bear. Just remember...Kent needs you. And love is a choice; feelings come and go.
from tobehis :
What's Kent feel/say about JR leaving?
from cocoabean :
I'm glad for the change too, and for your safety as well!
from tobehis :
Thanks so much for the encouraging note! Of course I don't mind that you added me...and I just added you to my list, as well. Hopefully you'll have more happy reading! :-P
from cocoabean :
Lake Michigan looks a lot like an ocean, maybe that's what you saw in your dream!
from cocoabean :
Since Kent is too ill to do the parenting, you have to. Have you considered talking to your doctor, or a counselor? They can show you how to turn things around for you and JR. It's like you're a single parent, and you need help!
from tobehis :
OK, so I've been reading a lot of your back entries, since your profile said everything I needed/wanted to know is in the diary. I'm up to Purpose Driven Life Chapter 2. I just want to take a second to answer your questions of free will... Of course we have free will. God did not make us to be robots. We have so much trouble (your health issues and Kent's health issues, for example) because of sin. God created the world perfect - NOTHING was wrong. Then Adam and Eve sinned, bringing sickness and death and decay into the world. Nothing's been right since then. Hope this makes sense...I've been reading your diary all evening and am quite tired, so I'm not sure if I can be coherent. LOL. Do you mind if I add you to my buddy list?
from tobehis :
Hi, I found your diary by clicking the "recent public entries." I'm in that kind of mood tonight. :-) I've never read The Purpose Driven Life, although I've heard of it. Since I'm new to your diary, your entry didn't make much sense, since I don't know who Kent is or what the situation is there. I'll read your profile next to see what I can learn. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and invite you to read my diary once in a while. Be blessed!
from starkitten01 :
I cannot believe that I have only just found your amazing journal now.. I am very intrigued and am happy to count myself as a follower. Don't ever grow out of your journal, it would be a devastating thing for everyone. ;)
from shewholies :
My heart goes out to you--alcoholism is such a wild beast. There are no rules, no guidelines and no "appropriate" ways to deal with it, so don't beat yourself up. You really are doing the right thing; I can't begin to imagine how difficult of a choice this was, but remain strong. The thing is, he's got to realize it's a problem for himself--that's the only way it sticks. As much as it hurts to see someone you love so deeply hit rock bottom, it IS the only thing you can do. Be there to help him pick up the pieces and throw him a rope if you see him start to climb. That's all anyone can do. Just by reading your words, I know you'd slay his demons if you could, but it's not your fight. Your job is to love him, to support him, and to believe in him for as long as he gives you reasons to believe. That being said, you are both in my prayers and I am sending you massive amounts of good juju. =)
from shewholies :
I've just fallen in love with you! I send you and your husband all the good energy in the world.
from cocoabean :
Sounds to me like the end is near for MJA, and that's not a bad thing.. karma, like you said. As for Kent, he has likely gone back to drinking because he realizes the end is inevitable. It's too bad, he could spend it loving his family, instead he is abusing them and himself. There isn't much you can do to make him see the light... what you need to do is save yourself. Good luck, and I'm glad to see you post again.
from candikurlz :
Hey there, I don't know how I found your diary - I am assuming that we had a mutual interest or friend along the way of Diaryland, and I liked your writing style enough to read and add you as a friend. Sadly for me as an observer, you have seemingly slid downhill in the way of your enjoyment of life. I strongly believe that this can be resolved. Please check out this link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVkNHc6DDok, the more research done, the more you will realize the truth to what Dan is saying. I am well-read and well-versed (and well-experienced!) in the fields of raw foods and energetic healing, believe me, it has done a lot for me. This may not be the thing for you, but at least it's an idea. Life is so precious, and it wants you around - it's how you came to be! Please give it some thought, "insanity is repeating the same patterns hoping to produce change." Love and light to you beautiful girl. If you are not comfortable with me reading your diary so anonymously, let me know, and I'll resolve it in a heartbeat. Blessings.
from cocoabean :
First of all, don't give up bugging the docs to find out what is going on. The edema is not normal.. keep on pushing until you get answers, and are healed. Second, I have worked in health care, and comments like that are out of line. I would absolutely report her actions and words to whatever management is there. Don't put up with that crap! Third, I understand how you feel about the rest of it. Not the edema, everything else. Hang in there, and stay strong. You can overcome it, but your first priority right now is your health.
from xorbit :
Oversize people can be treated pretty poorly, but it depends on the attitude/education of the person doing the discriminating. I was huge when I was pregnant with my first child, but I was obviously *pregnant*. Once I'd had the baby but still had 2/3 of the weight to lose, I would sometimes be on the receiving end of dirty looks and snide comments. Some people are just nasty, unfortunately.
from xorbit :
I know this is too late to be useful, but when I was 2 weeks' pregnant (and did not know), I was constantly eating, never had been so hungry before in my life, tho I was gaining weight. I thought at the time it was just menstrual weirdness, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant it made perfect sense. (Good luck with the step-son. He sounds like a kid I know... whose family doesn't know what to do with them either. It's hard.)
from illusionless :
Hi. I haven't seen an update in awhile. How are things going? Any better with the step-son situation?
from badbadzoot :
oh its been so long since I've been on here too, and when we come back its about bad stuff, go figure! Oh dear- abusing animals is one step away from abusing another human being. This child needs help and if his therapist doesn't see that then he/she is a hack. Not only that, but abusing is a sign of a lack of empathy which leads to anti social behavior. I mean, I was a licensed therapeutic foster parent, I seen it all, I took over 60hrs of parenting and child behavior classes, the issue needs to be addressed and resolved, not forgotten about and pushed to the side. JR needs the proper consequences to realize what he has done. And if dad is in denial I fear its just going to get harder for you and your sanity. Girl, I wish you all the best! And I really hope it works out! Cuz its obvious this child needs a lot of love!!!
from cocoabean :
He needs to know there are consequences for bad behavior, even if it's only writing a long essay about abuse. He abused your cat, he needs to have some form of punishment.
from famguygirl :
Giving you LOTS and LOTS of HUGS. Hang in there, like the poster of the kitty holding onto the branch.
from cocoabean :
Dude! You are smarter than he is!!! Find some way to discipline him that he can't complain about... be fair, but be strong. He will benefit from it in the long run. And I agree with QT, maybe counseling would help, at least it would help him understand things a bit better.....
from im2qt2kr :
hi. I'm a first time reader here....but let me say this...I think they child is "testing" you. He's mom left him for whatever reason, now he's possibly testing YOU. I think you three should seriously consider family counseling. Although I was not blessed with children of my own, I work with my husband, he's an attorney and I'm his paralegal, and unfortunately we see many couples on the verge of divorce. We have seen family counseling do wonders for those who are willing to put in the time and work with it. Sweetie, you are being hit with a LOT of new things at once, new husband, new son, add water- stir - instant family. That's a LOT to take in all at once. You need to stop beating yourself up. It takes time to adjust. You need to remember to take some "Me" time for yourself....breathhhhh. One day at a time. Big hug to you.
from illusionless :
Congrats on getting married! :D
from cocoabean :
I know how you feel. I disliked my son a lot when he was a tweener. But it sounds like he needs some rules. Try having a "family meeting" with the three of you, and setting down some basic rules. It sounds like he needs discipline and if you let him do as he pleases, he will run wild. Be fair, but consistent and it should help.
from famguygirl :
OMG I say "Do you want some cheese with that whine" all the time!! Well, I say "Do you want some wine with that cheese" too, when ppl say cheesy ass stuff.
from cocoabean :
I just happened to click on your name and read this post. It's likely the kid lied for his mom to avoid future punishment.... Hopefully social services can do something before the kid is hurt too much more.
from badbadzoot :
oh I'm sorry I've been away for so long! getting married, yay! having a step-son you are in for the long haul! you go girl. Stick to your guns, the daddy wants you to marry him therefore agreeing to sharing the parenting of his already son, cuz if he didn't want to share he would stay with the baby-momma, right? if you feel so strongly about a situation or problem, don't let it go just because daddy is slack on it- keep talking it out! Kids need more respect for other's feelings. much love xoxo
from illusionless :
Congrats on your engagement. I wish you two the best and hope you guys can have children and a long happy life together.
from signomifly :
7/14 - I don't know you at all...but congrats on the engagement! And I hope that all will be well and you guys can have babies =)
from minstrelite :
Thanks for nothing me back. I had wanted to mention another thing that you might be able to relate to -- in fact, from what I read of you, I think you do. There's the issue of blaming ourselves. The counselors told me it's common for a rape victim to blame herself for what happened. It took me a good six months before I even began to acknowledge that no way was I at fault. The reality was, I don't know what could have happened in which I was any *less* at fault, than that...
from miedema2002 :
Today is day 5 and counting. Thanks for your support! :) Good luck on your 30 day sugar free diet.
from choco-lemon :
anderson cooper and singing happy birthday while washing your hands are definatly essential to life
from ricklets :
I just found you with your banner, its really well done, and I just read one entry, and I'm already hooked. Just thought I would say hi.
from minstrelite :
I clicked on your banner because it was compelling, and although I have only read this single entry, I want to share that I also am a victim of rape, and that I can identify with it having messed up my sexual attitudes since then. It happened about four years ago. Although I am a man, I was overcome by a larger, stronger man. I was counseled that I could receive help at the Women's Center, and so I went to a sexual assault counselor there. Probably the hardest thing was that for months, I couldn't get the guy's image out of my mind, and I couldn't turn to certain positions in my bed without seeing the cold glazed look on his face, in my memory. He haunted me, and I felt connected to him in some strange way, even though he was only a sociopath, and no one with whom I would have willfully sought a connection. It was an incredible violation. You should be proud of yourself for all you are doing to heal.
from miedema2002 :
You are such a strong and mature person. I envy you. That you can forgive the person that hurt you and move on and learn from the experience. That is a hard thing to do. And hey I'm the result of a 5 month premature birth and I tured out ok. I would still have some hope in having kids one day. Don't dismiss it all together just yet.
from callmepearl :
if you've been reading my diary lately, you know that i was going to lock it, but i decided to change the address instead of locking the diary (it's a whole lot easier). the new address is vintagejunk.diaryland.com, drop by if you're interested!
from miedema2002 :
Sure stick-it-notes might work haha :)
from miedema2002 :
ok, that's....weird...I didn't think cats could do that...
from miedema2002 :
Hmmm I don't know what to say...oh I got it! I hope that whatever you are wishing for in terms of this pregnant or not thing happens! :D
from miedema2002 :
congrats!! I am so happy that you have found someone who makes you feel ontop of the world! Live up every moment! :D
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the words of wisdom. That is an interesting way of looking at life. I agree with your views. Everything will come together in due time.
from xdoomkittenx :
What is the signifigance of the number 19? I ask only because my life very nearly revolves around the number.
from nessiegurlie :
Hey, thanks for adding me as a favorite diary!
from badbadzoot :
people who are dramatic like that lack some form of meaning in their life, so to find meaning they create drama. Just remember you are better than them by staying out of it!! much love xoxoxo
from badbadzoot :
yay! You've brought me along too! much love xoxox

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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