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remember that the state in which you find yourself at present is not permanent. i cannot say that i completely understand what you are going through, but i do know what it is like to feel worthless. you are still person of great worth with much to contribute to the world. troche rozumiem. well more than a little.

from some-trouble :

Happy New Year!

from hlupak :

czesc! you are a super, kind, intelligent person!

from hlupak :

ahoj! thanks for the note. I guess i've been lazy and busy (mostly i keep forgetting to make an entry.

from hlupak :

czesc! (that's as close as i can get on my computer :( ) jak sie masz? as always i am sending warm thoughts. twoj glupiec. :)

from hlupak :

ahoj! please! don't believe that psychic. seek some help from someone in the mental health field or someone in the religious area. there is always hope. your absence here would affect more people than you think. i send you thoughts of love and joy and peace.

from hlupak :

ahoj. i could figure out what parts of your entry meant, but i am too dumb to figure out much of it. (well my name here is hlupak :) ) i watched n�z w wodzie, and i was thrilled that i could understand parts of the dialogue in Polish. i am always glad to see your entries.

from swimmmer72 :

nice to read an entry from you again! interesting poem - seems like it is a quandry we all go through, you more than most with the extent of your travels and the changes you have undergone! i hope you are well! :)

from mrquiteaguy :

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's father.I think it is good to mention it,rather than not to speak of it.You can feel better for doing that.....Dziękuję for your nice note. :)

from swimmmer72 :

sometimes, you just can't go back. in your case, it seems like it's because you've moved on, in a positive way. follow your heart, follow your brain, i think either way, it's going to tell you the same thing. good for you!! :)

from hlupak :

dobry den, i am finally able to read your diary. i've missed it. a hug frome me for you. hlupak

from about-chad :

I'm wishing you the very best 2005 you deserve it, may you find happiness in a big bag with your name on it xx

from some-trouble :

Happy New Year! I hope 2005 is a fabulous year for you. XXX

from some-trouble :

Hiya, I just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Xmas. I hope you have a lovely day! From Jo XXX

from swimmmer72 :

there is something i'm confused about. why are you in england when it seems like you would be so much happier in poland? i don't mean to get personal, but sometimes you seem so unhappy where you are.

from hlupak :

i'm glad to be able to read your diary again. i knew someone who had a bumper sticker on his car that read, "normal people scare me." i don't want to be around normal people.

from hlupak :

i miss reading your diary since you locked it.

from about-chad :

Hi there, I know i haven't updated for a while but i have just been going around in circles and not making decitions I will try to up date soon. As for you don't worry you are nowhere near being a whore don't be silly you sound great and have a kind heart noone will judge you for the things you do and you have done nothing wrong so don't judge yourself unfairly either. Stay well, Chad xx

from hlupak :

stop being so hard on yourself. none of us is perfect. none of the people with whom Jesus hung out was perfect, far from it, so of course he still loves you as i do. you are far from being a whore. you are human, that's all. i send you a warm hug. remember to be kind to yourself. there are people who care about you. zbohom

from swimmmer72 :

don't be so hard on yourself. no, i don't think you are a whore. not even close. you went out, and had some fun. if you really want to be critical, well, then, maybe you made a mistake and did something that wasn't a great idea, something fueled by loneliness and alcohol, something done by almost EVERYONE at some time or another, including me. if a person never made mistakes, they would have nothing to learn from. it will be ok. :)

from swimmmer72 :

bosses come and go. you have a bad one now, and hopefully she won't stick around too long or you will be able to win her over. you have me convinced you are a very nice person, so just keep on being you. ;)

from foxinsnow :

I'm okay. I wrote all about what happened to me at foxinsnow.diaryland.com. Read the entry "big comeback." All for now, peace, fox

from swimmmer72 :

i'm sorry about the loss of your uncle. :(

from hlupak :

i am sending a warm, friendly hug to you and warm thoughts. i know how it to struggle with depression. if you get a chance i would recommend taking a trip to scotland, especially edinburgh. i can see how you would miss poland and your family and dog. even though i have not been to poland i would like to go there. i want to return to eastern europe. remember to do for yourself what is best for you. zbohom.

from mrquiteaguy :

Hi. Long time no read. :) We got a Polish person working here. Started last week.First polish person ever. He is called Bertie.(Might be spelt wrong as the bosses at work spells ppls names so the rest of us can understand it. :) He is young,blond,with a red-brown face.(Is Poland that hot? ;) He started last week. Its good to see you are doing well in England. :)

from swimmmer72 :

i'm friendly and i flirt in a non-serious, non-harmful way with the women i work with, and unfortunately, it's gotten me labeled as a player although i don't have sex with any of them. i wish my sex life was even close to what everyone imagines it to be. what good is behaving yourself if everyone thinks you are fooling around anyway? always great to see your updates!! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

where are you now? and is this with the new job? hope you are doing well, but you sound a little lonely, so i'm guessing you are still away from home. take care, and watch those 19 year olds!! :)

from hlupak :

Ahoj! Good luck with your new job! I really do enjoy reading your diary. Maybe after I learn a lot more Czech and Slovak I could try to learn Polish, but I'm afraid that I am too hlupy for that. My dream is to return to Eastern Europe. Even though I was only there for six weeks that is where my heart is. Pekny vikend.

from hlupak :

don't assume that all native english speakers cannot pronounce names in other languages. one of my favourite composers is krzysztof penderecki, an i can say his name. hlupak

from hlupak :

I think this book would have universal appeal. French, Spanish, Italian, Slovak or Czech would be helpful. (It would give make me work karder at using and learning these languages, my Czech and Slovak are very weak.) I can recognize some words in Polish, but not enought o read a book, and I would have difficulty doing so in Czech or Slovak, but sometimes the best things in life require work. Ahoj.

from hlupak :

what is the book about the crow? it sounds very interesting. do you know if it is available in any other languages?

from about-chad :

Well Done on the Job , It is Fantastic I hope it all goes really well xxx

from swimmmer72 :

congratulations on the job!!!! i'm happy for you!! and yes, you were missed as well. :)

from swimmmer72 :

you bring up important issues, about the rape and also about just wanting to connect without feeling used. it'll be hard to not write a book in response. yes, those issues are both HUGE and guys don't seem to get it, which disappoints and discourages and frustrates and pisses me off, and i'm sure you know it more than i ever could. i'm sorry that it is that way, and i'm sure you know that you are not alone. i have heard the same thing from a number of women, and it is something that all men should be embarassed about. you are a good, sensitive person, and deserve better.

from hlupak :

thanks for the note. dobry vikend!

from mrquiteaguy :

Result 0:0 Draw. ZZZZZssssssssss ;) And it wasnt on Tv here either. :( Not that i would want to watch a match that had no goals scored. lol :) I dont know who played the best ;) but i will delete your last few messages as you requested. :)

from swimmmer72 :

just to give you some background: nicole and i were ripped about 5 years ago after about 2 years together. there were many people, including all of her family who were against us being together and to actively go back and find her could open some very raw wounds for everybody. if she has been able to move on, i think it best if i just let it be. people made our life hell the last year together, and i'm hesitant to relive it, or force her to relive it without more than a selfish desire to see if anything has survived in the form of feelings and love over time. we currently live about 90 miles apart, and i haven't tried to find her for the last 3 years. just didn't seem like i should, despite how i still feel about her. it was time to let her go, and to my knowledge, she hasn't tried to find me either. does that answer your question? more can be found in my archives if you are interested.

from swimmmer72 :

the way you describe wanting to see M is just the way i want to see nicole. just to see her, up close and personal, but anonymously until i can see whether her seeing me would mess her up too much. i'd like her to be happy, and while i'd like her to want to see me as well, i think maybe that's too much to ask. it's too bad, these things we put ourselves through.

from mrquiteaguy :

I tell you what... :) Your Polish team beat us I will delete your notes. :) NOW,doesnt that make the match a lot more exciting? ;) and If you are watching the match in an irish pub......please make sure you are well behaved!. lol. ;) Good Luck. ps. It was funny you saying Czechslovakia hasnt been called that for 15 years. I mustnt be the clever clogs i thought i am :( ;)

from mrquiteaguy :

Sorry,I got the date mixed up.Its this (week)Wednesday? that they are playing and they beat Czechoslovakia 2-1 so please make them welcome when they come to play in your country. :) They cant help being so talented. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

i sympathize with your concerns for your polish troops. i appreciate their bravery in sticking with a conflict that wasn't of their making, but that we all have a part in. while i think countries should stick to commitments they have made, THIS WAR was not started as a colition effort, and bush is lucky to have any support at all. he was impatient, unlike his father, and couldn't wait to rush into iraq, and now we all suffer the consequences. your troops and ours deserve better.

from mrquiteaguy :

I see tomorrow(Wednesday)that Ireland are playing Poland at Soccer. I will be watching it. I wonder if you are a soccer fan Joanna? :) I just want to say good luck and may the best team win :)

from swimmmer72 :

i agree. if you can LOVE, then on at least some level, you win, if only for the experience of opening up your heart and letting someone in. :)

from mrquiteaguy :

Your Note. I Smiled straight away. :)

from sleepydust :

hey hon - thanks for the note - just popping in to say hi and that i hope you're ok! huggles xxx

from swimmmer72 :

as if i needed ANOTHER compelling reason to go out and have sex, you have just given me yet one more. and if it works for me, why would it not work for you? how can you tell us to go out and have sex and then decline the same opportunity to SAVE LIVES? i think, when you GIVE good advice, you should also FOLLOW that advice. :)

from solitary- :

thanks doll. my dad is def. an asshole, but i'm working on getting over it. thanks for the lovely note. i hope you have a wonderful day/week/month/year... muwhas xoxo <3 jacq

from mrquiteaguy :

Thanks Joanna for the good wishes and your nice note. :) I am prepared for the worst with work. I stay there is good and bad.I leave there is good and bad.:) It does help getting nice messages from people. Ty for that. :) Pat, (MrQUITaguy). lol ;)

from swimmmer72 :

don't fault yourself for the old man not being there. you are filled with good intentions, and that's more than a lot of people can say. imay be wrong, but it sounds like you know the general direction you want out of life, but not the specifics or how to get there. i wish i had answers for you, but i don't. you can only keep plugging away at it and hope that some day the gods recognize you are doing your best. and then give you a break.

from swimmmer72 :

it sounds like you are having a bad day, and i'm sorry to hear that. you sound like such a nice person, and it's not right that people can't just accept you for who you are.

from some-trouble :

Happy Easter to you too. I hope it's a good one! :o) Love, Jo XXX

from sleepydust :

Hi Jo! Just a little note to wish you a very Happy Easter hon! Big huggles and much love, cxx

from swimmmer72 :

"great and wise man?" ha, ha, yes, my head is indeed swollen now!! a year ago, i'd have never even thought about checking this out online, and while not everyone would agree with you, i do appreciate the compliment. you are a gracious and fair maiden. thanks for making my day!! ;)

from mrquiteaguy :

Happy Easter Joanna. :) I dont feel like Easter is Easter because of work.

from swimmmer72 :

and MUCH better than my polish! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

seems to me i've made an english teacher or two cry before, too. also a german teacher, and definitely a gym teacher. but, then again, i was an incorrigible student, and didn't take anything seriously. your english isn't that bad at all - easily understood. :)

from swimmmer72 :

ahhhh, there you go, teasing me again! or forcing me to learn polish, don't think i won't!! thanks for the notes. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

brilliant, hilarious comments!! and so very true! it made me smile. :)

from amfi :

hej wpadlam, :) poczytalam i zycze wesolych swiat. pozdrawiam K.

from swimmmer72 :

i seem to have misplaced my polish-english dictionary. what does "fajny i madry mezczyzna" mean? :)

from swimmmer72 :

i'm glad to see you are writing again. you can chase young boys; i will chase young girls; good luck to us both!! :)

from mrquiteaguy :

I hope everything turns out good for you. I too was unemployed for a very long long long long long (that long!. ;) :) time before i got this 3 month contract job and i could be going back to unemployment.And when i was unemployed,i used to spend a lot,lot,lot,lot,lot,lot,lot (this much!) ;) of time being online. :) So i know what it is like for you.I too,went through thoughts that were not so good.But i realise now,that things that happen arent always my fault.So,I wish you all the best in what you do and dont do. Take care. Pat. :)

from mrquiteaguy :

I pressed the wrong key,didnt finish my message properly.:) I was a late comer to your diary but found you wrote very well and that you diary was very interesting to read.Good luck in what you do. :)

from mrquiteaguy :

Its a shame you not writing anymore.

from suicideinc :

thanks, love. i like your diary very much. i'll keep coming back. <3 jacq

from swimmmer72 :

a few things: i hope you find the time and the energy and the resources to keep writing. you'll be missed if you don't. i have also had thoughts of suicide - as recently as the first BIG TRIP in the aftermath of nicole. it was meant to be the BIG GOODBYE TOUR, but the epiphany i had at columbine helped change my mind. and yes, i am real. that is, if i am the steve you were referring to. if so, thank you for your kind words. although even though what you read in my diary is the real me, some people who know me would be glad to know that maybe they don't make them like me anymore... :)

from some-trouble :

Thank you for what you said in your last entry. I'm sorry that you're leaving diaryland, but I do understand. Writing a journal isn't for everyone I guess. I hope that whatever you do and wherever life takes you, you're happy. Take Care, XXX

from mrquiteaguy :

Hi, I am carrying it around at work which i should stop doing i suppose,but part of me wants to make her smile when she is having a hard day at work.Its a smiling frog and just looking at it makes me smile,and i am wanting her to smile too :) But since i found out she is married,it has made me think twice about giving it to her. Something simple has gone more complicated. Thank you for making me think it through more which you have done.

from swimmmer72 :

losing a job isn't always a bad thing. it's a chance for growth, a chance to get to do something different, and a chance for a fresh start, unless you starve first. i hope you find another job quickly!! :)

from some-trouble :

My friend Claire [sleepydust] told me about your diary so I thought I'd come on over and say hi! I'm sorry to hear about your job, and I hope that things improve soon. Take Care, Jo [25.02.2004]

from sleepydust :

Hiya again! I've just emailed you - but don't know if you'll get it. If you haven't received an email from me, then let me know and I'll try and send it again. Until then, stay strong and never give up! huggles xx

from sleepydust :

Hiya! Just found you via my profile! Thanks for listing me as one of your fave diaries. Just wanted to pop by to say hi but your diary's locked (waaaaaaaah) so just sending you huggles and good cyber vibes via a note instead! Huggles xxxx

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