messages to minstrelite:
(click here to add new message):

from minstrelite :
testy, are we?
from studionique :
yeah, that sounds about right, but just wish I could get over it already and not be that way.
from seattle-rain :
Hmm...no, it's not any different. I am so glad to hear your news! Try the note again and see if it doesn't work. I've been having internet problems but I read your profile and it seems like you're doing very well, Andy!:) Write me- I want to hear about all your Seattle migration! I am moving in about a month:)
from floodtide :
Hey there. Sorry not to have responded sooner: I am flattered that you offer to let me read your script - I would be happy to. Do you want to e-mail it to me, or do you want to send a hard copy? If the latter, let me know and I'll send an actual address. - gwm, aka ft
from studionique :
thanX! yeah and I am totally feeling the whole overwhelmed thing once again, but what can I do but take it one thing at a time.
from seattle-rain :
And by the way, it's SO nice to hear from you!:)
from seattle-rain :
Haha, I'm weed free!:) Please, e-mail it to me:) eleanorsboots@rocketmail.com Thank you:)
from jehsika :
hiya...can I get the passwords and all? You probably sent them but no doubt there are lost in the sea of the inbox. It's jehsika@msn.com...thanks!
from floodtide :
I'm feeling bad, and please forgive me: Have had the best intentions for days now to thank you for sending the mp3 of your piece - and to tell you how much I liked it - but I keep forgetting to do so. Today I read that you're broke and demoralized and needing attention, and I feel ashamed that I didn't send you this note BEFORE, so that you'd know I really meant to do so and wasn't just being prompted by guilt or pity. The piece really is lovely. At one point as I was listening (I saved it, by the way) I thought, "well, I figured he'd be goot, but not this good." I feel for you about the money and food. I am only eating because of Matt; right now if I weren't married I'd be throwing myself on my parents' mercy and that's only because I'm lucky enough to have them. Saying a prayer for you and sending love.
from floodtide :
Thank you for the generous birthday greetings. I had no idea you were already past the 47 mark. I would love to chat with you! I use g-mail chat, AOL IM, and Yahoo! IM at various times; username/screenname is gwmolnar on all of them. I usually sign in in invisible mode (three "IN"'s in a row there, interesting) so if you don't see my name on that doesn't mean I'm not there - I just have a few students and former students who tend to pounce on my when I come online and expect to monopolize me for a long chat - not something I particularly enjoy (at least not with those particular ones). But let me know what your own screenname is if you like and I'll sign on as "available" and we'll talk! Love, ft
from life-my-way :
Thanks for the nice note! Wishing you all the best (including surviving your success!) in the new year. I believe your time has come.
from floodtide :
So happy for you that you've had this conversation with your daughter - what a lovely and fulfilling way to bring the year to a close. Godspeed.
from fan4 :
I'm not sure if I'd like peas mixed in with my Mac & Cheese.
from fan4 :
I think I may still care way too much about Diaryland notes and guestbook signings.
from glorycloud :
thanks for stopping by-hope you had a good Christmas
from smashthegas :
Hey A, just saw ya were online and wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope things are good. Have a good one. Smash.
from talktogod :
Andy, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas! Rejoice in His love!
from floodtide :
Actually, I can relate to it, very much so. Beautifully written and generously shared. "I will not say 'do not weep,'" says Gandalf in Tolkein's book, "for not all tears are evil." These days, I suppose, it's awfully cheesy quoting LOTR, but I often remember that line when I'm experiencing tears such as your own. They are not only tears of love but of healing. Merry Christmas, A.
from floodtide :
Merry Christmas, A. Thinking of you with love and hoping that this week is happy for you.
from minstrelite :
I sympathize more than I empathize, having never been a housewife. (I suppose nowadays they call it a "house spouse" -- but that's a little too P.C. for me.)
from raen :
I was too sleepy to be even that clever. I can't think straight around holidays. Right now, I'm having to keep on my son to clean his room. I just got the dishwasher started (I'm standing up in the kitchen with the laptop on the counter). And the vacuum is already out and plugged in and waiting in the dining room. Another long day.
from raen :
*smacks forehead* OOh, duh! Didn't think of that. :-D
from raen :
How did I give that away? You've got me wondering. Hmm.
from minstrelite :
I shouldn't be so neurotic. Notes are OK. I just don't want to spend the twelve bucks on three months of a SuperGold membership right now. But I probably will.
from minstrelite :
I put the HaloScan commentator back up, being as I chose not to invest in a Gold Membership when it ran out. What say we all comment there instead of here. It makes it easier to get to.
from minstrelite :
I don't know what they call a "California Stop" in Texas, but I often compare smoking pot to the experience of sliding through a stop sign slowly without completely stopping while thinking: "No cop, no stop." You go easy on the brakes that way.
from musicman6724 :
Meh. I'm not sure there's anything wrong with smoking pot. Except for the part about it being illegal. But so is driving over the speed limit and I do that every day. Every now and then I get "convicted" about that and drive 60 and watch everyone blow by me like I'm sitting still. Never smoked anything though. Legal or otherwise.
from raen :
Yep, that's his "KITT." The eBay purchase he said he'd never make. He had once said that he would never buy a vehicle from eBay. And the poor woman he bought it from literally cried letting "KITT" go (that was her name for him, too) . . . and probably because she lost $1000 in the deal! But that was what she got for preferring to wait and see how the bidding went instead of taking a good offer. :-D
from momoironeko :
Thank you so much for the note! I have never been so glad to get a "C" as I was with that class. It really is a tough subject to master. I actually got to jog a bit early this morning as the cat woke me up around 5:30. It is the nicest feeling I have ever experienced while exercising. As for diet, I am trying my best to get fewer enriched foods and focus on things like salads and whole grains. Fish oil is really good not just for the heart, but for boosting metabolism and such. I don't want to jinx it, but it sounds like things are starting to improve for you. This makes me really happy. I will continue praying for you. *hugs*
from raen :
It's not locked anymore. I opened it up.
from raen :
Yes, I definitely got the humor in that! :-D But, no, my notes page is fine on my screen. It might be my resolution on this wide-screened laptop, but the notes page looks normal. No problem.
from raen :
It's 2:55p here, and I JUST noticed the notes on my account. "Raen" was set to receive notifications at an email address I haven't had since before summer! I didn't even realize! That's fixed now. But I have some catching up to do!
from dreamcapture :
I do remember that era. Maybe not specific happenings, but I do remember that time.
from raen :
I wrote too quickly and was too tired when I wrote that. I should have read back over it, brief though it was. What I was attempting to convey was that, sure, I have seen sunsets. Everybody has. But I have not seen or experienced a sunset in the way that you have. If I had, I would most likely kick myself for calling it a random event. On a related note, I'm the one who doesn't communicate my meanings very well. As I write something, I know what I'm meaning, but when I reread it later, I can see how I come across. In written words, I can come across as blunt and unkind, but if I were in the presence of the person, speaking the words, the way I said them would come across better. Maybe not perfectly, but better. I need to work on saying what I mean in the way that I mean it to be taken. It's like I wrote in that email. I realize I lack finesse. That's the best way I know to put it. And I'm sorry for that. I should represent myself better. :-\
from minstrelite :
Maybe you meant: "I have seen the sun set, but I have not seen a sunset." (That is, "sun" and "set" being two words in the first phrase.) But now the articles are inverted. Or does it matter? In any case, I thought I had gotten you the first time, but maybe not.
from raen :
Apparently, I am lacking sleep as well. That should have read, ". . . I have not seen the sunset." :-)
from raen :
I have seen a sunset, but I have seen the sunset. I envy your eye. Sleep now. . . .
from raen :
If you had an online dream journal, I'm sure it would be quite an interesting read. ;-)
from raen :
If you had an online dream journal, I'm sure it would be quite an interesting read. ;-)
from morticon :
I'm sorry you didn't get a very good sleep! I hope you can get some good rest and find a producer for your show. I know in my city there are some theatres that sign people that write shows and produce them, or something to that effect. Perhaps you can find one of those in your area?
from floodtide :
I don't think I read the entry before you revised, and I admit that you have certainly piqued my curiosity. May I ask that you e-mail the text file? I'm not being prurient, just genuinely interested. Am enjoying getting to know you (a little, anyway, as possible online).
from floodtide :
Happy Thanksgiving, A. Love, ft.
from rana-kane :
The old user/pass hasn't worked for these last few times you've locked. Is this an "everyone out" period of time? I'm always interested in what's going on with you (thought I don't often leave notes, I know), but I'll totally understand if no user/pass in on the way.
from joy-in-god :
Are you able to give me the username and password to your online diary, Andy? @--J---
from fightn4life :
Thanks for your congratulations Andy. For the last few days I have been unable to open your diary. Did you change the key? You can send me your pass word and user name to ozarkdrm@gmail.com If you don't mind me reading about your world. Sandyz
from floodtide :
No, my friend, all your notes have been lovely as well as clear; I simply hadn't had time to respond. I am grateful that you have taken so much time and given such kindness. Headed back down to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with some friends, may or may not have internet access while on the road between now and next weekend. You will remain in my thoughts. Love, ft
from momoironeko :
The newest medication I am on is called Armour Thyroid (90mg). I heard from my herbalist that it was the best choice if one has to take thyroid medication. My thyroid is "underactive" (hypothyroidism).
from floodtide :
I apologize again, too: the more I thought about it, I remembered how freaked out *I* have gotten in the past when someone I know has stumbled upon my diary inadvertently. (Once I hurt very deeply someone I love; she found my diary - before it was locked - and read a savage review I'd written of a show she had directed.) Thank you for being so generous-hearted. May I ask that you delete the note in which I shared my username and password with you? I prefer that it not be visible to anyone. Only about ten or twelve people have access to the diary now, and I'd like to keep it that way. Thanks again.
from rana-kane :
Are you ok, man? You're locked then you're not. Entries disappear. . . .
from dudemanflab :
Thanks for leaving a note, minstrelite. Feedback is always appreciated. You're right, though, that John Taylor's theology is somewhat bogus. You should know that he wrote that almost 300 years ago, justifying the process of colonialism (which precipitated widespread death of indigenous populations as well as the creation of the slave trade). While I don't share your views on the Devil, I agree with you that the logic of his argument is fundamentally flawed. I'd leave feedback on your entries, but unfortunately I have no password. Best wishes.
from raen :
Dude, I just checked out that WooMe site. It's as bad as, or worse, than MySpace! I'm kinda worried, man. I mean, *I* wouldn't sign up for a site like that, and I'm fairly "free" when it comes to the internet. Just watch yourself. You never know what sites like that will turn up. *shivers at the thought*
from saintanne :
I'm glad you found that entry. Sometimes it's hard to find faith in this world. I try to keep faith and find doing so keeps my spirits up. I've been touched by God in so many ways, and try to remind myself of his gifts. I hope you like your new church. Saint Anne is my saint name I choose at my confirmation.
from joy-in-god :
Thanks for acknowledging me! But er, when you quoted "Jesus gave her time to repent..", I think you could've added "Jezebel" in brackets, lest readers think you're refering to me! (gulp)! Could you tweak that a little? @--J--- 11 Nov 2008
from minstrelite :
Neko: I deleted the note. I'll send a copy of the email to the address you gave me.
from joy-in-god :
It seems like you've been through a lot. Some people you mentioned are making things unpleasant for you indeed! Regarding writing to two people, it may be faster if you sent them an email/a call too to follow up? Sometimes one has got to be more initiative with seeking help. I remember that as a child, help came to me before I even needed to ask. But as we grow older & become more independent, others expect us to fend for ourselves. & we also need to be wise in the type of help & the amount of help we need to seek. & hey, Jesus went through more but He continued to pray to His Father! I'd like to have such strong faith in God! @--J--- 10 Nov 2008
from joy-in-god :
I find it easier at times to talk about my innermost problems to church members who I know will support me & pray for me & follow up with me, rather than close Christian friends. I'm not sure what works in your case but I'm happy to know you still recognise God's faithfulness & power. Seek to do His will, for this life, with its fleeting joys & pains, is but temporary! Have you downloaded any of the talks? @--J--- 5 November 2008
from joy-in-god :
Hello Andy, it seems like you've made some tough but righteous decisions where the person's concerned! I, too, am going through "difficult stuff". It's tough because we're Christians, but God is faithful. He won't leave us. If we ask with sincerity, God will give us wisdom, strength, & courage through the Holy Spirit & His Word! Have you spoken to people at church, or other Christians about your problems? God sends such people into our lives to help us & to pray for/with us! I strongly recommend the talks from www.fm1032.com.au/MP3.asp?ChannelID=20 . I've listened to the "Difficult Times" ones & learnt that even in difficult times, God can use us for His glory! A friend recommended them, & now I'm recommending them to you! @--J--- 4 Nov 2008
from illusionless :
Hi Andy. I have a question for you next time you come online. It's nothing important just a question I feel that you can best answer for me. I enjoy our talks and your wisdom on things.
from joy-in-god :
Your latest entry reminded me of a verse I've recently read: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." (Galatians 6:1) You've done the right thing! ~ 3 November 2008
from joy-in-god :
Hi! I got your note, thanks! I've browsed through your online diary & I see that you're also a fellow Christian with challenges & joys of your own! I'll read some more soon! In the meantime, God bless! @--J--- 30 Oct 2008
from minstrelite :
Got it! Get it, got it, good.
from minstrelite :
I'll have to write to Andrew. I've been trying to delete my previous note ever since forever, and it's still there. Somebody doesn't like me.
from momoironeko :
Under most circumstances I would have chosen another area (like Pittsburgh) for a birthday/anniversary gift. Sadly, J had already started buying items for the trip before I found out.
from illusionless :
sorry I had to cut the chat short.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry I had to cut it short last night Andy. I had to get up at 7:30am which is early for me. I hope you are doing ok. I can't relate to what you are going through, but I am always here to listen and try to offer advice the best I can. I hope you are feeling better today. You're in my prayers. :)
from illusionless :
What an inspiring story your life is. It was very interesting. Thanks for sharing. :)
from theumbrella :
Wow? Haha.
from bindyree :
RE your post that says there are friends who can be closer than blood rellies, you are right. I've often said, quoting my husband, that there are two kinds of family: Family of Chance, which is that biological stuff, and Family of Choice. Sometimes the second kind is the stronger of the two.
from illusionless :
Thank you for your note. I agree with you. I'll pray for you too Andy for things to keep going well for you.
from maliger :
Interesting header image on your diary, it's been a while since I thought to check it out. Hope that they process the papers without the photocopied IDs, but be prepared to send again later or whatever it is you have to do if it turns out they aren't going to be flexible. I'm just worried that this Thursday (which is today since it's after midnight now) I might run into the same prescription problem as last time (they seem to think it's ok to not call the insurance to insist on the brand name prescription that does work and they last time had just given me the generic, which was not working so bad that I felt like I was endangering the people around me. That must not happen again.
from rana-kane :
Yeah, I was up until around 4:15am. Heh . . . my smile was deformed. :-P
from rana-kane :
I figured that's what it was. :-)
from rana-kane :
So, tell me. I've been wondering all this time. Is it the Gold membership that makes people's names go bold on the users lists? I saw that your name is now bold. What's the secret?
from godzgirlz :
Fell fast asleep, early for me How was your evening? Didn't even check my email or Diary...Ugh I long to write more than I have in the past year I just fear the words will slip off my lips onto the pages without a sense of life. Still I keep saying, "I shall write tonite" and then something comes over me and I am mute! Love/Peace ~ME~
from godzgirlz :
Thank You and I did go ahead and take that last entry off... needless to say I do understand who reads these I sometimes don't think anyone reads mine but nonetheless I woke up embarressed in many ways and removed it. Do you mean contact you on here in notes, Thanks I will keep in touch! This has been a draining year...just getting thru it Love/Peace ~ME~
from godzgirlz :
You seem disappointed in me... I apologize I had some wine and mix that with just being lonely and disconnected from the what lately feels like a harsh cold world. Forgiven?? Love/Peace Me
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry I haven't left you notes lately, but I figured you needed your space and didn't want to intrude. I just want to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers always. =^-^=
from fan4 :
The group's nice I guess, but I can't exactly bond with people i only see once a month.
from fan4 :
Please check out the following entry: http://fan4.diaryland.com/080731_40.html
from rana-kane :
No, please. Your time is your time. Read and just take things in as learning from another's experience. I don't want you bothering over these things I'm writing about. These are things that happened over seven years ago that are being re-evaluated because family memebers are finally seeing the nasty things my ex-sister has done in a new light. She's sociopathic, plain and simple. Of course, you can analyze it and comment, but only if that's why you want to do. Just read it for entertainment, if you like, and don't comment if you don't want to. I just don't want you setting any time aside from your schedule for my family drama. Seriously. I hope I'm coming across the way I mean. I'm not telling what not to do, I'm just saying you don't have to. :-) You're time is surely more important than to worry over this situation of mine.
from illusionless :
I agree with the note you sent me. It's just something I've been battling with. Always needing to prove myself among the sighted world proving that I'm just as good as a sighted person is in all aspects of life, because along with mental illness prejudices there are prejudices along with being low vision among lots of other things. We all face it in different ways. I guess it's just a petty side of myself that I need to get over. Thanks for not flaming me about it.
from talktogod :
I just saw your question from the other day. "Peterson" is Eugene Peterson, the man who translated The Message version of the Bible. He also wrote the devotional book that I am going through in my diary, called "The Message:Remix//Solo."
from talktogod :
I like Alison Kraus. She did a duet album with Robert Plant (that made me do a tremendous double-take) that is fabulous! I love it. Check it out sometime, maybe. It's called "Raising Sand."
from oldjake :
Andy, Andy, wherefore art thou?
from illusionless :
"It works a lot better if people see that he's at least making an effort not to sin. Either make that effort, or don't say you're a Christian in the first place." This quote and the paragraphs before it spoke to me like a slap in the face. A good one. It really made me see my sinful behaviour lately and how detrimental it really is to me and to God. It also made me see that my spiritual beliefs need a huge tune up. Thank you for the insight Andy.
from betsyboops :
LOL it's not really a new love, andy. just an old one that's trying to make its way back in my life. how are things with you? i've been slacking on the reading up about you, forgive me.
from illusionless :
Hi Andy. I just wanted to thank you for being there for me on Friday night. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for bothering you, but it really meant so much to me that you were there to listen. I wish you many blessings.
from comfuzzled :
Hi there! This is a notification to inform you that you have tied with your opponents in the category of "Best Diaryland Diary" and therefore have all won for the category! Please visit the following URL to claim your plaque: http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/9664/minstrelitezu9.gif Congratulations!
from tobehis :
I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you or something; I'm not commenting on your entries because you're locked and I don't have your password. So that's why you're not hearing from me.
from theumbrella :
Hey you! Can I have a password?:) I'm back.
from rana-kane :
Of course I do. And a diary isn't worth much if you're not talking the issue that affect you most, whether good or bad. It's good to get it out.
from talktogod :
I have Old Jake on my buddy list. I think I discovered his diary from your comments or something. Don't remember, but I've been reading him for a while. Also, reading all of those detail notes...made me realize how much I miss playing my trombone. Gotta dust that thing off. I've actually been contemplating selling it. Blessings!--Jeff
from talktogod :
You left me a comment a few days ago, and I misread who it was from. So I left a note on "Amy's" diary. How embarrassing!! Forgive me for that mistake! So now, I'll tell YOU that I was humbled by those kind words. That really meant a lot to me. Thank you very much, and, again, forgive me for my goof! God bless you!--Jeff
from judasgirl :
Are you giving out passwords to your diary at all? If so, can I have one?
from rana-kane :
Thank you for that note. It is better being locked. I know I don't leave many messages, but I have been keeping up. You're one of the best writers I've even seen on Diaryland (or anywhere else). It's refreshing to read.
from life-my-way :
"Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the peace of God." It is deep, it's the intro to A Course in Miracles and, I suppose you could say, the course itself in a nutshell. Now, if we could only remember!
from life-my-way :
What about the library? It's free and even here in Alabama our public libraries have free wifi with desks or carrels, outlets to plug in computers, etc., as well as a reasonable expectation of being left alone. Is there a library in your area?
from comfuzzled :
Congratulations! This is a notification to let you know you've been nominated in the category of "Best Diary: Diaryland" in the 2008 Comfuzzled Awards! The awards will be open to the public on July 29th and will run for two weeks before the votes are calculated. Good luck!
from life-my-way :
Great news--additional income, yahoo!
from minstrelite :
Thanks, Brin. I'll look forward to hearing whatever you have to say, at any time.
from bindyree :
My friend, I wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know I've begun the story read-through. I will not give a deadline as to when I can give feedback on it but I will tell you I'm underway. Thanks for letting me see it. :-)
from minstrelite :
Yeah, you're right. And what's even worse is that then you have people like me, whose ideas about love are so inconsistent that they change from one day to the next. But then, on the positive side, we have God's love, that never changes. If we let Him love us, we're usually OK -- but half the time, I don't even do that.
from cerulean030 :
Love is so incredibly complicated Andy, it's a wonder anyone loves anyone. No two people even have the same definition of love.
from glorycloud :
I read your journal daily-life is hard-the Lord is our strength/wisdom-peace
from momoironeko :
The hardest part in critiquing ourselves is that we tend to be much more harsh on our flaws than others. I'm probably preaching to the choir on this point and need to work on it myself. Anyway, I really hope things keep looking up for you. Sending some prayer your way. =^_^=
from life-my-way :
Thanks for the speedy, thorough and thoughtful response to my difficult question. I'll be hoping your upswing continues progressively upward. Best, K.
from life-my-way :
When you say people are willing to give you money and/or advice but they're not willing to help you--what kind of help do you mean? What would help look like? What could someone do? In addition to being interested in what would help you, I have someone in my life in circumstances similar to yours and I would like to help him as well. Read the most recent entry too; glad you found the fifty and are feeling better!
from cerulean030 :
As true today as when he said it, maybe even more so now!
from minstrelite :
It's a quote from Ronald Reagan.
from cerulean030 :
"America is in fact the last best hope of any nation on earth." So true, Andy, so true!
from cerulean030 :
I think you are probably right, CA is def. more liberal than TX!
from momoironeko :
Ah, thank you for the lovely reply and the add. May I add you to my favorites list? Also, I love when you said "It's funny how sometimes we're afraid of who we are. But there's no hiding from that person, and no running away.". I am hoping to keep that as a motto. Blessings to you.
from cerulean030 :
Thanks for the note! I'm glad I'm not alone in my conservativeness. :) Sometimes it's a lonely spot, as you probably know.
from momoironeko :
I happened across your diary a few weeks ago and am hooked. You write very well. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. Also, there is a site called freegrabber.com which offers a variety of items free of charge and that includes shipping. I wish you well.
from orgami :
maybe believe perhaps not if you wish 1994 i went from working fairly steady to not (mental illness) walked to work starved cold not enough money for winter clothes then dropped to one sixty seven pounds Im six feet tall anyway I remember those very days like yesterday even though they are somewhat distant now and walking when i once was in a city yes with no car it was something else and buses are not cheap either a bike helped but one has too buy one and keep it locked and stored somehow i have one now and its a godsend and i have a packsack which truly helped in moving food bank food and now groceries i once had to eat from dumpsters (just a matter of timing from acceptable good franchises who turn a blind eye when they toss stuff..) the clarity of the mind during those times was amazing no wonder people fast to have visions or search their souls i take meds for the illness sleep anti this and that and its better i sleep too i can well relate to not sleeping i go from high to lows in days notice and had the same financial fruitlessness you encountered i just found people women of course whom i attached myself with viewing myself as a junkyard dog helped to keep order when i could been four years steady now with a good partner shes cool and have had years of therapy and trying meds for right balance and have a bike now bike is so important i feel now anyway your present plight was once my daily reality My wishs are the best for you I read your diary once in a blue moon and you write long passages but they are informative and well thought out some seem off the cuff or from the hip i like those dont give up whatever it is you are looking for it may find you one day i hang on my my days like this many have come and for this I am eternally grateful O
from illusionless :
It's ok. I do this and spend as less time with her as possible. Hell I don't even call or go over at all anymore and I do surround myself. It's just the situations like fathers day where I have to be there. Keep in ming I'm also a very sensitive person, especially around her. I try to expect and it prepare myself for when the time arrises that I do have to see her no-matter what, but nothing works. I've tried everything. From expressing my feelings of how she treats me which she brushes off and demeans, to telling her off, which obviously makes things worse. So yeah, I'm just trying to get over it and putting my focus towards getting a job and returning to school for the long term. Thank you for your advice.
from illusionless :
What do you mean by "tap in more lightly to my step mom" ?? I don't understand what you mean by that. Sorry.
from fan4 :
I'm glad you liked my entry. Thanks for visiting. :)
from rana-kane :
The computer I had back then crashed, was reformatted, and given away. The only thing I can think of to try is Google cache, but I think you tried that already.
from rana-kane :
I just noticed my error below. There should have been a "not" between the "was" and the "a". But you understood. It should have read, "It really threw me off when you said Christianity was not a religion." I hate when I do that. Anyway, I'm glad if that article was enlightening to you in any way. I found it interesting, too. :)
from rana-kane :
The enjoyment of writing it. That's what counts.
from rana-kane :
Read it. Understood it. End of story. *thumbs up*
from rana-kane :
OK. I'll take your word on the religious aspect of things. It really threw me off when you said Christianity was a religion. I was thinking, What else is it if not a religion? I thought it was THE MAIN religion. To me, religion is any organized situation with a relationship to or with a deity. But I'm ignorant of such things. I wasn't brought up with it and I've never researched it. I did find this link a few minutes ago that was a bit interesting: http://home.earthlink.net/~mysticalrose/religion.html "Is Christianity a Religion?" On the friend front. It does seem a good idea to weigh whether or not you should associate with these people any longer. And I'm glad you're not that touchy. I'd be a bad judge of such music. I like dark gothic metal mostly. Most metal in general, really. If they roar, growl, scream . . . yeah. :D And, yes, we all have our quirks. And online journals are a great place to vent. I do it all the time.:)
from life-my-way :
CosmicCrayola and I both were $455, so that may be true. I only counted each transgression once (I'm a capricorn and don't want to be overcharged for past vices). Maybe we all ARE $455 in the hole--I kind of like that.
from life-my-way :
Forgive them, they know not what they do. I also believe (or try to believe) that everyone does the best they can with what they know and that when they know better they do better (us too).
from bindyree :
No, you're too big for my wallet. I'll grant dispensation since I stole the questions in the first place. :-)
from rana-kane :
I've never heard of the hell-as-a-state-of-mind idea. But see, that just goes along with how most of what religion seems to be is fantastical interpretations of things and events. For every different theory, a new branch forms. No one can agree on what's what. OK. Let's say a living person was communicated with by a ghost who had been in the depths. That person would try to explain things in their own way. It must be a separate place, a place of punishment where people burn, and this place must be ruled by something, etc., etc. There were no scientific methods back then. Just faith. Who knows what seed Earth's religions grew from.
from rana-kane :
I keep trying to think of something that will definitively disprove it . . . but I can't!
from illusionless :
I get in those moods sometime too.
from illusionless :
Ok what I meant to say in the first 2 sentences... So what if you went to a Pagan festival? You're still Christian. There that sounds better. Sorry for the mix up. My mind was somewhere else lol! ^^
from illusionless :
So what if you went to a Pagan festival. You're still Christian? What is wrong with participating in another religion/cultures way of celebrating something. That just shows how open minded you are Andy. And kind hearted too. You said yourself that it was a great networking and social opportunity, so why does the religious part of the event matter? You met lots of people and had a good time. That's all that matters.
from talktogod :
The singer-sonwriter night sounds cool. I've always wished I could do something like that.
from rana-kane :
They wrote that it was for security reasons. But I do wonder if they would do it if I explained that I have a terrible phone phobia. Hmm....
from illusionless :
That's cool that there are scriptures on how to pray. Hey, do you think that God can understand us? like say we can't put what we want into words when we pray, but we feel it can he understand our emotions? Can people pray without consciously realizing it? If these can happen then I pray quite requently lol! I just wonder about all the different ways God can hear us and I'm interested in your views on it too. Take care.
from life-my-way :
I'm interested in the instructional scripture (on how to pray)--needing, as I do, all the help... Glad to hear you sounding better. You're in my thoughts and prayers, I see you whole and perfect as you were created.
from illusionless :
I read the entry you gave me. I understand it. You explain it well without letting out anything too personal. I'm so happy you and Echo are on good terms.
from emotionalist :
another question: recently people have been pushing me towards sharing my writing more publicly and i have been rereading what i've written (which is why i worried about you catching up by reading it all--it's kind of awful before two thousand and four) and i've been feeling that it's all so small and personal that there can't possibly be something in it for anyone else. could you explain what you get out of reading what i write? i don't know if that's too strange of a question.
from talktogod :
Man, I know exactly what you mean about the trap. Do I ever...That's a very scary feeling, too, especially when you know it's coming. I've been there...went right ahead and did, too! *doh*
from illusionless :
I try not too either. Maybe it's because I don't talk about it alot? I try to focus on the here and now in my life whatever emotion or situation it may bring. I know people wouldn't know unless I told them.
from minstrelite :
Let me think about that.
from emotionalist :
exactly. is there a way i could make it clearer?
from illusionless :
I COMPLETELY agree about diaryland. It is so homy and cozy here and the community is amazing and polite and super supportive. I've had bad experiences with Blogger, and Livejournal especially when it comes to the nasty people leaving nasty notes and harrassing me and whatnot. It isn't pleasant. I find those blogging sites almost too big and it opens up a recipe for disaster. Where here it's secluded and only a limited number of people are seriously here to write long term. I find this place a smaller and more genuine comunity then the larger and colder ones. That's why I always come back here. That and I find I care about the people I read about here especially the ones I've been reading for years since 2002! It's cool really! I find the templates are better and more vibrant and there is much better selection for this site then anywhere else! And it's simple and easy to use. No fancy smancy featurs like lj just simple easy to use wam-bam-thank-you-mam service! I'm sure you agree with me from the sounds of it. I hope you stay here for a long time. I know I will be. :) P.S. I'm sorry for not being online and around lately. I'm just coming out of a bad living situation and just moved somewhere better where I think I will be able to talk more, but I am also very busy right now contacting all of my resources etc. But don't worry I haven't forgotten about you and I always pop up to see how you are doing still. I hope to be able to chat with you more soon once I am settled here. Sounds like you are doing better though. Take care. You're in my prayers.
from glorycloud :
I do not how to write proper English-I am a street writer-a folk writer-an uneducated bookwork Christian mystic writer-I like to write so I write hoping I am making sense-before I was married I did not have a home either-my father was in the Navy-never knew the guy-all my step-fathers were Navy men-my mother died divorce in a car wreck in 1968 in Los Angeles, Calif.-my wife has provided a home for me-I deserve to be on the streets-well I will close-I also edit what I write but I am never sure if I got it just right-peace
from glorycloud :
I think now all my entries here in Diaryland can be read-I stopped writing here because I did not know if anyone was reading me-now that I have some readers once again I will paste in here what I write each day in LiveJournal and JournalSpace-I read your past entries this afternoon and now know some more about you-your life sounds difficult but the Lord is our strength-peace
from glorycloud :
how many years can you read of my entries here in Diaryland? I mainly write in LiveJournal user name "crookedfingers"-also Journalspace "darkcloud"-I copied off all that I wrote in diaryland-but decided this year 2008 not to print out what I write online-I figure after seven years I am repeating myself-basic themes etc so why print out all that stuff? When you get my age not much New is write or spoken-peace So you are from California? What part of Calif.?
from glorycloud :
I have been writing here since 2001 and I would like to have people read all my entries-how do you get the real old diary entries to appear in the archive site? I noticed you have two archive places-how did you do that? Am I making myself clear?
from glorycloud :
I tend to exaggerate-my wife and I talk all the time-but I do confess there are times when I do not know what to say to her-we have been married 29 years-sometimes when I write I am seeking to be funny but I might come off being serious-peace
from glorycloud :
I added you to my list of favorites-peace
from life-my-way :
Hey, thanks for writing! Of course you may have diary access, for what it's worth, user life and pw onthesly. Nice to meet another hippie!
from tobehis :
Nothing like caffeine to keep you awake, huh? I actually went to Walgreens and bought a Coke after I had my lunch just to help me stay awake at work, even though I wasn't extremely tired. I didn't want to take any chances. LOL.
from emotionalist :
thank you. does that mean you read everything?
from tobehis :
You left it as a private message in my guestbook last time. You can do the same this time. :)
from tobehis :
I can't get into your diary; I'm using the same username and password that you gave me a while back...has it changed? Anyway... you should DEFINITELY go see Prince Caspian (it's AMAZING) and you should read all the books again. It's great to get a refresher on them.
from fan4 :
As do I.
from justmeasiam :
I don't think that kind of insensitivity is exclusively baptist - so many christians blame anything they don't understand on the person whose experiencing it. Where in the bible does it say to do that? I know where it says NOT to do that - but ewww that makes me mad. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'll say a prayer for you.
from tobehis :
How many kids do you have?
from jehsika :
You did it! Now when you see an sbcglobal.net address from Schaumburg, Il...that's me!
from jehsika :
A couple more things about sitemeter...llnw.net is a spider crawling pages for a new search engine (I was really excited someone in Arizona was reading so much of my stuff...nope) and your own views of your page show up too.
from jehsika :
I think, for many people, both having a mood disorder and homelessness are very scary. They just don't know what to say, how to relate. It's not that nobodies reading. If you go to www.sitemeter.com you can get a free stat meter. They give you an html snippet to copy and even, I think tell you where to put it on your template edit page. You can see mine at the very bottom left hand corner of my page. Then you can see that people ARE reading, even if they don't know what to say.
from tobehis :
what's your disability, if you don't mind me asking?
from tobehis :
Thanks for the info. It's good that there is a place where you can get the help you need.
from betsyboops :
i want, i want, i want!! my email is b.canto@gmail.com. i hope you're doing fine.
from abetterme33 :
hey minstrelite, i have been off diaryland for a couple months. can i have the username and password to your diary? if you don't want to leave it in a note, my email is mbaire7@yahoo.com. thank you!
from fan4 :
Congrats on returning to the Village. :)
from betsyboops :
Hi Andrew! Yes I do want those thingies I need to keep on reading you. I would have asked but I figured that since you locked your diary, obviously you want to keep some people out and that may include me, hovering-lurking-maybe-creepy me. (And aren't I just paranoid that way?)
from tobehis :
OK, so since I'm new to your diary, tell me about the Village, please.
from tobehis :
Whatever you decide to do, just remember that God will never leave you or forsake you and that He has a perfect plan for your life. Read Jeremiah 29:11, it's my favorite verse. Have a great week! 5/13
from tobehis :
Well, it looks as if I've missed you. But thanks for getting the password to me; I've added you to my buddy list, if that's all right. If you'd rather I take you off, just let me know whenever you get internet access again. Take care.
from tobehis :
Thanks for the note. I am glad that you felt free to leave it seeing as how we don't really know each other. Feel free to read my diary any time and leave notes. If you would like to leave the username and password for your diary for me, you can do so in my guestbook, there's an option where you can make it a private entry, and only I can see it. Even though I don't know the details of your problems, I will try to remember to pray for you. -Amy
from fan4 :
When it comes to my dealings with the online world and my parents, things aren't so good with me. Thanks for thinking 'bout me, btw. I noticed you re-added me to your favorites list. I've been so busy with college, I haven't had much time to read diaries. Maybe when I do get more freetime, I'll e-mail you then...
from fan4 :
When it comes to my dealings with the online world and my parents, things aren't so good with me. Thanks for thinking 'bout me, btw. I noticed you re-added me to your favorites list. I've been so busy with college, I haven't had much time to read diaries. Maybe when I do get more freetime, I'll e-mail you then...
from fan4 :
hiya
from judasgirl :
What's your yahoo user name?
from judasgirl :
I'm concerned about your diary entry. Can you please sign on to AIM or something so I can contact you? My IM is thisbirdhadflown.
from betsyboops :
re: suicide notice please don't, andy. i'm 18 hours away from you by plane. but know that if i could go and find you and stop you, i would.
from minstrelite :
Notes are turned back on now.
from minstrelite :
Hey, I'm not accepting new notes for a while. Feel free to leave a comment on any subject in my comments section. Thanks!
from jehsika :
I think the situation you spoke of sounds exactly like mine. It snuck right up on me and that's why it's so hard to understand. But I have at least found Ed (the reiki) guy again and will be able to have a free reiki treatment. That will be a godsend. She is looking out for me, even if it is painful for me to go alone for a little ways. I'm old enough now to know it's for the best for me.
from hissings :
I just got your email. Thanks! I know that meds can interfere with exercise, or the desire/will to exercise, which is especially cruel because since so many of them cause weight gain, we are advised to develop an exercise plan while taking them, and exercise is just plain good for your health anyway. I am one of those lucky souls whose creativity and artistic expression is not influenced or diminished by meds. Cheers, hissings
from hissings :
Despite my occasional grumbling, even as passionately frustrated as I can get with the meds, I believe, for me, they are helping (for one thing, I'm not hearing voices or having delusions anymore; I'm not totally cut off from reality even if I can be a bit sluggish sometimes). That said, I respect your decision not to be on medication-- that's your decision, your brain. That's all.
from minstrelite :
You know, I have sensed that from my take on your entries. I might be in a similar place myself actually (I'm not sure.) I do know that I've got a lot of stuff to work through. If you ever need an ear, though, I'd like to be available -- it might take a while to get back to you, depending on what's going on.
from jehsika :
that's okay, I think I've had my fill of discussions with anyone lately...I think it really is time to turn inward for awhile and concentrate on my personal journey.
from jehsika :
My spiritual family is Raven Wood Grove of Crystal Lake. We are an ADF Druid grove. www.adf.org We celebrate the wheel of the year. We honor ancient Celtic gods in a modern way (this is an important distinction, the other members want to bring the ancient caste system back to the ritual, which I'm strongly against). I was one of the three founders of this Grove, we're six years old now, it's supposed to be about an unity, all sharing their input and energy. We're all supposed to DISCUSS changes. And except for saying "how'd you like it Jess?" and then saying "oh, I'm sorry," when I explained how upset I was, nobody has discussed a single thing with me.
from godzgirlz :
Hey just letting you know I have this site because I always will but I shut down my Myspace page...I couldn't do both... So keep in touch thru here... Peace
from hissings :
NEW: username: wannabe password: sedated xwordxec
from morticon :
Hi Andy! Has your diary password renewed? I'd like to have the new information if I may. Talk to you soon!
from annanotbob :
Hello - hope things are good with you. If you don't mind me reading I'd love your password, but no worries if not. all the best, Anna xx
from jehsika :
Read the 39 things and believe me, not a one needed any explanation...I grokked the core, many so much like myself. No hurry on any email, time as you like...I do know how that overload feels.
from onelilwitch :
well thank you... its always nice to hear a compliment. i think you were the one who added me on msn earlier...am i mistaken? but if so, chatting on msn would be more convienent since i do not believe i've gotten on to yahoo messenger in over a year. take care.
from onelilwitch :
haha. it did completely piss me off because of his stupidity...but i have to admit too that it is pretty funny. the space is treating me better than i thought it would...him worse though. thanks for the comment and the read! take care.
from jehsika :
an email would be just fine, thanks!
from jeweltones :
Hello Minstrelite, It's good to hear from you. I think the Chinese government is the one that is trying to incite violence. It is fortunate that the Dalai Lama would not choose to act as they would in the same circumstances. Loving kindness does not allow for retaliation in any form. By the way, when I try to read your posts I am receiving a request for a user name and password. I'm not offended if you are blocking access to your writing, but I do enjoy reading what you have observed. Could you let me know if you are comfortable with me reading your work? If so ,could you also explain how I would go about arrving at your "page"? Thanks.
from jehsika :
Dude. Best username/password combo ever. I laughed out loud and then had to explain it to my thirteen year old...who already thinks his mom is a dork, so that's okay then!
from minstrelite :
Well, a good man falls seven times a day, and rises again. I'm going to try and keep that in mind. Time for bed now.
from minstrelite :
I'm trying to keep things simple. That helps.
from miedema2002 :
Please be ok. I got your message.
from minstrelite :
I'm not at home anyway. I'm hanging out at one of the mid-Peninsula libraries, contemplating whether or not to head up to the City. I've still got a bunch of money on my BART ticket. It might help to see my stepdaughter if she's not too busy, as she tends to have a calming influence on me. Otherwise, I feel like I keep doing stupid things that wind up making me paranoid, and what you said about a support group is really key. I don't feel like I have one, or if I do, I don't know who they are.
from bindyree :
I went ahead and added you; my Yahoo is finicky, so don't worry if I re-add you every so often.
from minstrelite :
Brin, I tried to add you on Yahoo chat -- not to be a permanent thing, but it just might make it easier to talk for a morning or two. I don't use the chat server with regularity except to talk with my daughter.
from bindyree :
please fling me an email when you can. I sent something via Diaryland email, and have no idea if you got it.:)
from jehsika :
I can feel your anger...not in a bad way but in a way...that I can totally acknowledge it and understand it at the core. If that makes any sense. I don't know how to help, or if that saying that does help at all, but I can send you energy if you want. I should ask first, I know our philosphies are very different.
from miedema2002 :
Good glad to hear it. Oh and send me an e-mail if you are interested in reading my diary now.
from miedema2002 :
Sorry that note was pretty loaded, but hey it would give you good motivation to go to church along with worship and and seeing the pastor since church seems very important to you. Think of some interests that you have and go from there. You ever hear the rule: If it exists, there are groups of people who like it also. That saying actually refers to porn...(if it exists there's porn about it), but take that aspect out of it and change it to an interest. haha! like maybe books, music, art, sports, tv, I dunno anything! NOT porn don't go down that road please!! Thank you! Just a thought.... K I'm going to eat dinner now. Bye bye.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry you are feeling so conflicted about social time vs. privacy vs. giving/recieving messages. I think I am a bit like that too. I enjoy my social time, but I must have some time in a day to call my own and collect my thoughts alone. That is where my room comes in, my room is my haven for that, come in without knocking and face my wrath!! I think what is important here is to balance social life with alone time. There is nothing wrong with both. Do you have even a small quarter of the place or a small nook maybe an attic to call your own and collect your thoughts? I don't think it's anti-social really I would hate to have a roommate talk to me 100% of the time and when I don't want that I shut my door or go for a walk. Have you tried maybe telling him gently that you enjoy his company and socializing, but you need some quiet time too? Maybe arrange some time in the day where you can have quiet? He seems like a friendly reasonable guy from what you write about him. Now onto the Internet. I have a great social life I think and recieve plenty of e-mails some responded too some not. msn is my main method of chat 2nd is the phone. I don't see anything wrong with being on the internet a lot if you manage to talk to lots of people and make an effort to make plans and connect with them in person. Maybe join some social clubs at a recreational centre somewhere or a few different forums outside of the mental health ones. Chat a bit, add e-mails, chat online, get to know each other, request to meet in person, viola! Easier said then done I know! I figure if you talk and get along well online or on the phone for about a month then request to meet them in a public place for a bit and then hang out alone. Doesn't always have to be dates it can be friendly stuff too. I have met plenty of friends online, in person, friends through friends, it's all about networking as you know in the music biz! :) Hmm maybe a book club? What I did was ask random people after class if they wanted to catch a drink at a nearby restaurant and chat maybe suggest that to random people after church? Gather a huge bunch of different people and start up a conversation (avoid the sensitive debate topics) and start a big pool communication. It's really fun! Maybe keep an eye out for some of the single people and then include a few couples? mix and mingle? I'm just throwing out ideas of maybe how you could improve your social life since you feel it needs improving. Sorry for the long ramble. Take it easy. You're in my prayers Andy. Ttyl
from caughtpurity :
It was certainly a wonderful thing to have happen; because of its nature, an even harder thing to document. I always feel words are so very inadequate in times like those. I'm glad that you connected with me there. That's very important. And for that, I thank *you*.
from cybers1ut :
Thanks for the comments, although, I'm not writing so much as journaling. Online journaling has replaces my physical writing. That is probably why my diary seems so candid.
from jeweltones :
Hello Minstrelite, Thank you for being concerned about my welfare. I needed to research a bit before I could respond to you. Other than in the province of Quebec, which still governs under French civil law, Canada draws it's legal practices directly from the British system. Until 1978, when Quebec first experimented with the concept, there was no allowance in our courts for class action suits. Law making privileges here depends on the Canadian Constitution, which delegates rights and responsibilities between the federal and provincial governments. When one level of government is silent on a specific issue, then a plaintiff MAY be allowed to ask for a remedy under a level of government that does have written legislation about the issue. The alternative is to go to Federal Court to ask that a ruling be made with respect to a test case, either under the Constitution or under our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. All prohibitively expensive and time consuming, by the way. It appears - a guess, because that is where my research has been unsuccessful so far - that someone may have been able to get the Federal Court to rule under the Charter of Rights that a citizen can't be refused access to a remedy, such as a class action suit, by virtue of their place of residence - our rights being considered portable, you see. A guess would be that the Federal Court ruled that each province would be allowed to create legislation, by rights vested by our Constitution, with respect to class action suits; with a fallback position that any citizen, where their provincial government opted not to allow such legal action, would then have to plead to the federal body for the right to be included in a class action suit being conducted in another province. I know that has happened to people in my province with respect to a tainted blood scandal where several people received blood transfusions where the product was infected with hepatitis C through negligence in testing practices. It wasn't until sometime after the year 2000 that people from my province were allowed to be included in a specific suit that had been launched by two other provinces. There was a very short window of time, for those affected, to get their name on the list of plaintiffs through lawyers specifically designated for that purpose. I think it was only a year or two ago that the settlement was actually reached. A lot of the plaintiffs had already died by then, sadly enough. At present time, it appears that this province has recently begun allowing a limited type of class action, but I haven't been able to find exactly what the parameters are. I am glad you suggested the idea though, because it is always good to have a backup plan or two up one's sleeve and I may also find an alternative remedy in the process of researching this avenue of action. There are some criminal code options, but one has to prove the landlord intended certain outcomes, which would be very difficult to do. John Grisham wrote a really great novel called "The Street Lawyer" that, although it deals with US laws, does outline some of what would have to occur before a successful trial was feasible. The advice from city hall's development and bylaw staff was that we call the police each time a potential harassing incident occurs. As I did last night. Anyway, probably too much information, but I really am grateful to you for helping me think this problem through.
from godzgirlz :
Thanks Keep in touch..It can only go uphill from here right? Peace Love ~ME~
from godzgirlz :
Hey It's been a while...How are u? I'm just wandering back on here after a horrid year. See ya round...Peace Love ~ME~
from jeweltones :
Hello Minstrelite, My street was a good place to live until a certain landlord started buying up properties on this street - the rest of us are all owners. The value of land and housing in this city is spiraling way out of control, because we are in a province that is similar to Texas - economy based on extracting oil and gas. That landlord has illegally converted his properties so that he rents to several people for each unit causing all sorts of logistical problems like parking to become big problems all on their own. He also seems to choose tenants who appear to be living on the other side of the law most of the time. I've been documenting some of the behaviour in this diary since May 2005 when everything seemed to escalate. Some of the tenants have been very scary indeed. As long-time neighbours, the rest of us have banded together a few times to deal with those tenants. We do talk to each other because one of the landlord's tactics has been to try and isolate and intimidate each of and also to try and cause friction between us so that we don't work together. The comments below the description of last evening's events are about his attempt to turn the street into a commercial or light industrial area on the sly, so the incident might be connected to that as a continued form of intimidation although that would be impossible to prove. Or it may be something else. I don't know.
from amazinfuckup :
Thanks. None of it is a big deal, I take everything in stride. My life is so full I don't have much time to think about it. I enjoyed talking to you too.
from theumbrella :
It is not trouble to pray, and I'm still doing it.
from jehsika :
um...whoa! Where did everything go?
from theumbrella :
I am going to pray for you hardcore. Don't forget you have a Father who loves you so deeply.
from theumbrella :
Of course! Please call me Beth. I understand that completely. Before reading your note I wrote an entry (now deleted) about how hard it is to forget our ex's. And it's crazy! Because you're right- totally unhealthy relationships but it's still hard to let God take care of it. There is a verse that reveals something about God that I really love to think about when I worry about those kinds of things. Ephesians 3:20 says that God is able to do more than we can ever ask or imagine, and I try to let it go and think about that. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience with me. I really get it.
from jeweltones :
Hello Minstrelite, Your last sentence "True humility is knowing where you stand with god" in your latest post is truly profound. Maybe it should be the title of a song or a play. I think you would be amazed how many people it would resonate with. In the end, we are all seekers of the ineffable, the divine or whatever word one chooses to name the undescribable and infinite.
from jeweltones :
Hello Minstrelite, Thank you for the kind comments about my diary. As you might have noticed, I have fairly strong opinions. Because my diary is my primary reflecting/venting tool/mandala, I normally am pretty blunt about what is going on in my head and heart. I use the humour to poke fun at myself and the odd way that I see the world (according to others), to acknowledge that there are many other ways to interpret "reality" and to soften the sharp edges of my words, in case they wound others unintentionally. Like you I have lived on faith for many years, although more because I was trying to support and raise six sons on my own rather than pursuing a career likes yours. Like you, I have noticed that when one relies on something greater than one's self, things have a surprising way of working out. In all honesty, I have been close to losing all faith the past while. When I read what you had written in your past few entries, it helped me find my way back to trust again. Thank you for that!
from abetterme33 :
the username to get into my diary is: abetterme33 and the password is: cookie. i've been reading your stuff for years now. its funny to think i've been on this site since i was 14, and i'm 21 now. yours was one of the first i remember.
from caughtpurity :
I think the comment I made is slightly ironic, because I, too, have been called an elitist at some point, and am wary of dropping the term lightly. It's true--too often people who are well-read or well-learned in general are criticized for being an elitist, and I think that's a shame in itself, too. I think it's in keeping with truth, and relying on that as a background, that is of the utmost importance. I think that in one form or another, we can dance around eachother and gain little or nothing from anything or nothing the other has said.
from caughtpurity :
I can't help but gravitate towards musicians. And all of you are so destitute. I'm so very sorry that it is like that so very often. But you can write as well as play, so you have that going for you. In the mean time, I enjoy reading your entries. Hope everything works out.
from jehsika :
yeah, I might be ashamed in the mornin' but now I had too much fun watchin movies under the influence to care...>;)
from jehsika :
Double entdres...'kay. I'm too far gone to understand. Oh don't worry 'bout explainin'. Oh, the vodka got a hold on me and I don't worry 'bout nothin'.
from jehsika :
Wandering believers eh, I've never seen them. They'd be a real anachronism. Me having just re-read The Name of the Rose a few months ago. I have no Latin, Umberto Eco fustrates me but is fascinating all the same. oh, but you are sweet to suggest (even in jest) you might rather send me money then give it to said wandering oddities (or used it for yourself, which...and only gently tutting here...you should have...because hey, they chose that life). But even today I was forcefully reminded just how good I really have it. I watched Blood Diamond. I won't belabour the explanation, just say that I'm glad I restrict my whinging to the diary. I feel relatively safe there. Silly isn't it, to feel safe in such a public forum.
from miedema2002 :
Glad I could help. :)
from theumbrella :
Hello! This is Beth from on-a-string and I just got your note! I'm sorry:) I've moved here, and I'm adding you to my buddy list again:) Thanks for reading:)
from miedema2002 :
Also it sounds like she is stuck in the "victim mindset" and is playing the -I'm worse than you, you don't know what I'm going through, you are not an alcoholic- card. I know because I have played that pity me role a lot in the past, so I noticed it right away. In short it just doesn't sound like she's ready to move on and maybe she feels threatened and that you are trying to push her, which isn't a bad thing you are just simply being a good friend. But resistance is always a red flag for -I don't wanna change! you can't make me!- kind of attitude. I would give her some space to sort her life out, but offer her the freedom to come back into your life when she is ready for your support and friendship. Obviously she can't have your friendship as a drunk which is normal many close people of alcoholics leave, but always welcome them back if/when they are willing to change and make the effort. Why not let Beth go with kindness? which is what you did, but maybe let her know how you feel (if you agree with what I have written) if not don't worry about it. These are simply my opinions and thoughts. I wish you luck.
from miedema2002 :
I don't think you were uncompassionate at all! I think you were honest and stated how you feel towards things. It sounds like she is an "alcoholic" and is experienceing chaos in her life with that x-bf and drunken phone calls and stuff. You are telling her what she should be doing and how she can move on and offering your hand for support, but it sounds like she is afraid and not ready to move on from her chaotic place yet. Maybe she is pushing that fear onto you. Maybe she is mad at herself for not feeling strong enough yet... These are only assumptions. Please don't take it as you said something wrong, maybe she is just in a bad place in her life and not ready for a relationship. She says you are trying to fix her... I disagree again she's pushing her fear of overcoming her addictions and chaos onto you by blaming you instead of herself. I'm not saying she is a bad person in anyway! She is just lost and maybe not ready for the help that you are willing to give. That is what I see in your e-mails and conversations. I could be wrong. But I highly doubt it's you... I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two...
from jehsika :
Oh, trust me I'd never, ever really go after a married anybody. It's just not right, on so many levels. It was never a serious contemplation. See, I don't meet any guys except customersI. There just aren't any to be found for me right now, anywhere, and I take that as a sign I should be focused on my own improvement for the present and keeping the pledge I made. I would never date even an unattached customer anyway, there was a partner at my store who did that and the end wasn't pretty. Very soap opera-ish. It was quite a disruption to the daily flow of operations, given that she was a shift manager and her melodrama made the energy chaotic.
from silverluna :
wait, i found it: sometimes change happens unexpectedly, and you have to get used to the new things in your life, or you'll just be stuck in the past...
from silverluna :
I was trying to sent you a message, but the spam stopper wouldn't let me...
from minstrelite :
Sent.
from jehsika :
The script for your musical? Oh, I'd like to very much! Do you still have my e-mail? Send it on over.
from minstrelite :
Oh, and I haven't smoked since New Years Eve of 1992.
from minstrelite :
Right. My bachelorhood seems to be what permits me to have a shot of whiskey at the end of the day, as well as engage in all the other so-called liberties that only result in bachelors retaining their more-or-less pathetic state of bachelorhood. Ah, but I digress. In reality, I am strongly committed not to drink or otherwise indulge, as my most recently entry has suggested. I've just got too much on my plate right now to mess around. I admit it's only been since last Friday since I've had a drink (today being Tuesday) but since I'm not in the addictive mode, it's not hard not to drink. I'll be tempted in the future, tho.
from jehsika :
My kids keep me on the narrow...or I'd be having some vodka myself. They're good for my health, keeping me from smoking (none) and drinking (only once every three or four months) and swearing (um...more than a soccer mom but less than a sailor) as much as if I was all by myself. Oh, I didn't take the sleeve comment as sarcastic...though I wouldn't have minded if it was...Bux doesn't try as hard as it should to reduce waste. Waste of water is the most egregious. Though if the "no sleeve" policy is about waste I would think it's probably money they're worried about, not trees.
from minstrelite :
I admire your doing things like having tea and reading a book at bedtime, or taking a hot bath. I'm more likely to have a shot of whiskey at the end of the day, and sometimes I don't even shower after I go running. But thanks for the affirmation.
from jehsika :
>>>>Something tells me you are a person who takes very good care of herself.>>>> I try, I try...but not so well as I ought to. Not so well as I used to either. I admire your continuing dedication to keep running, to keep exercising, despite your stressful situation.
from miedema2002 :
You have been through a lot in the past month I see. It makes me sad to hear that you have been on the streets again. I hope things pick up for you soon... You're in my prayers.
from cherrygash :
thanks for the insights.
from jehsika :
>smiles< of course your case is more difficult, people know you! Though I appreciate honesty in theory, I do have to admit there is only one or two people in my real life that actually know about this diary, and they both understand me completely. So my "honesty" on the page does me or anyone I mention no real IRL harm. Rather like...talking to strangers at a bar.
from jehsika :
Ah but I put everything down on the printed page, or at least mostly everything. And I like it when others do that too, it's honest. I appreciate honesty. And if something is churning around and bothering you and it feels better purged out onto the screen, well...that's good! >Yah yah!<
from jehsika :
in re: catching up on my blog...I'm always delighted to have a new reader but I know I'm very blunt, hedonistic, sort of crazy, sometimes scary, etc., and if ever there's anything I write that makes you uncomfortable to read, skip it. I won't be in any way offended.
from minstrelite :
Yeah, it is. Seems to involve a lot of deception.
from coppersky :
The spiritual battle is a tricky one.
from minstrelite :
ok i saw it now -- i thought it might have been something i said.
from silverluna :
okay, so i put the entry back up. I found the comment on haloscan and pasted it back on the comments so you won't have to write it again. ^_^
from silverluna :
sorry, i'm just updating my archives. I'll put that entry back up in a bit. sorry about that...
from minstrelite :
Bindy, I left you a comment but am not sure it posted. I submitted the banners long ago, and am not sure why they're still running. The diary was unlocked at that time. I chose to lock it in order to work through some more personal stuff among some pretty close D-Land friends. I wasn't able to stop the running of the banners, of course, but it wasn't as though I purposely submitted some banners to a locked diary. If your question was even serious -- and I cannot tell -- I hope that answers it. James, check your email.
from smashthegas :
hey dude, I havent had an email from you yet for the un/pw... my email is travis-james@blueyonder.co.uk would be cool to hear from ya :D
from smashthegas :
Yeah dude ya can hit me up at travis-jamesATblueyonder.co.uk for the un/pw combo.
from howlingwind :
2/13/08 - Well, I don't know you, but for some reason, when I was clicking back and forth from various things in diaryland unrelated to you, I kept getting a message that your diary was locked, which I thought was pretty weird, since I haven't linked to your diary or anything. So I believe in weird coincidences, so I thought, what the hay, I'll leave you a note. :-)
from xt4j :
username/password? please?
from jehsika :
Groovy, username/password would be much appreciated. You can send to jehsika@msn.com if you prefer not to leave anything in notes.
from smashthegas :
Okay, you invited me to speak my mind, so that is cool. You got drunk... no problem dude, don't be thinking that is bad. We all do it. I think it does good to cut loose once in a while. Okay, maybe from the point of view of your illness and medication it is not a good idea? I don't know a lot about it, I admit. But no regrets dude, have no regrets. As for the drugs, well fook, as someone who has been in rehab (but who is not a doom mongering fooker) I had a great time on drugs, and also a not so great time. I don't want to see you get into that shit, but if you really have to, get them from as reliable a source as possible, yeah? As for the girl, well fook bro, you are human, yeah? I adore sex, we all have sexual needs. It's natural. You were a little drunk, you got your beer rock on, that's all. You're not a pervert, you're a normal, good dude. Ok, so we are only getting to know each other, but you are my d*land buddy, you won't let me down. The only way to do that would be to betray me in some way, and I got this feeling that you're not that kind of dude. Keep rockin on bro \m/
from smashthegas :
Hey dude can I have yer un/pw cos I see ya locked up?
from jehsika :
excellent template change. So much easier to read. I find in your words a life very similar and yet so very different from mine and that is fascinating to me.
from sadmaroon :
I did enjoy the show. My favorite songs wer "I'm Not That Girl," "Defying Gravity" (I liked that one so much I bought a defying gravity t-shirt, with the "wicked witch's" silhouette on it) and "No Good Deed Gos Unpunished." I enjoyed the second act much better than the first-- I was glad to see some character development in Glinda.
from smashthegas :
Dude, your note made sense to me. Forgive me if I misinterpreted but your entry seemed to be defensive at my suggestion. I did not mean ot offend you, I give you my word. Maybe we are looking at life from oppostie sides of the fence, but know one thing, I would never belittle someones belief in God, or their religion, whatever religion that may be, because I know how important it is to them. I chose to add you to my diary because what I read made sense to me, I found something inside it. I would not choose to add someone to my favourites just to spar with them about religion. My comment was just my personal opinion, see I wake up in the morning and believe in myself and know I am going to do my best to achieve something, and I am the sort of person who would need that self belief, that level of control before I could put the situation in the hands of another being, whether it is a God I cannot see, or another person in my life. I know we are very different types of person, I have some friends who on the face of it are the opposite of me, really, including their religious AND personal beliefs, but I still love and cherish them and would die to protect them, just like my friends who share a lot of my views and likes/dislikes. You're in a difficult position right now, and while I hope so much that your circumstances get better, I will not offer pity, nor do I view you as pathetic. So I understand if having me here, leaving comments on what you write makes you uncomfortable and you would rather I refrain. Seriously, there would be no hard feelings.
from talktogod :
Hey, Andy. I got your note. Tried to leave you a comment, but it wouldn't work. Anyway...I'll be glad to "talk" to you, but it sounds like, from reading your most recent post, that you are on the right track. Hang in there, buddy. God can handle you. No matter what.
from smashthegas :
I understand - having read your notes - your reasons for locking up... I think you can just archive and lock your older entries so people can't get to them, to save you the mammoth task of edits.
from smashthegas :
Dude, don't lock your diary. Don't ever be ashamed of the person you once were. Otherwise you might never be able to look back and be thankful the person you have now become.
from minstrelite :
Danielle, I think my Gold Membership has expired, but I sent you an email.
from xt4j :
Can't leave you comments anymore, so I'm noting you. I want to offer you some sound advice but don't want to seem like I don't sympathize. I have a hard time expressing my general care and concern while offering advice. Hmm. I guess I should keep my thoughts to myself, and just let you know that I'm praying for you and I really do wish you well.
from smashthegas :
6'7" dude, to answer your question, heh. Smash \m/
from sadmaroon :
what's SA? I meant SG, suicide girls, the porn site. Either way, I'm not going to do it-- unless it's in a manic fit or something. ;)
from silverluna :
sorry for the last post. Yes, it's an online community game.
from silverluna :
y
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note back. It made it much easier to find your diary. I think I may have read a time or two before, but not left messages. I am glad you are going to the Depression Support Group. I am involved in that here where I am. www.NAMI-Savannah.org
from sadmaroon :
i deleted my profile because i don't want my diary to show up in the members' directory... that's why I'm no longer listed under users who have added you as a favorite. just fyi... :) sadmaroon
from sadmaroon :
I'm just astounded that she assumed I was worried because she "doesn't have a dick." it's not that at all. I think she's becoming a very shallow person and all her entries are about fucking-- is that all there is to her now?
from sadmaroon :
top line: evidently bottom line: shrinkingviolet
from sadmaroon :
new password evidently shrinkingviolet
from whystinger :
cool diary, cool banner. I hope I can find my way back to read more... I think I may have stumbled on you before.
from sadmaroon :
just read reaping what i've sown... i can really relate to being depressed, pissing people offline, and getting in email fights. i don't know what to say about God-- S/He's different for everyone... all I know is, praying to Jesus that time really did save my life. Hey, you asked for my two cents... and I did stop believing in Him for awhile after my friend killed himself.
from sadmaroon :
hmm, now YOU'RE all locked up... can I have the envelope, please?
from sadmaroon :
sadmaroon johnlennon
from sadmaroon :
I'm glad you're feeling better.
from in19seconds :
Thank you so much for your note! It means a lot to me that you shared your story with me, as well. I can completely understand everything you shared with me. I had the same problem for months, myself. My dreams were the worst for a very long time, and completely lucid. I think it's our way of dealing with the things we can't deal with consciously. If you ever need to talk or share anything, I am here for you.
from sadmaroon :
You should read my diary. So far it's all about how I want to kill myself. We're such bores, aren't we :) I identify with you.
from sleetmiser :
I should like very much to make a layout for your diary.
from allielujah :
I let myself get into something more complicated than I ever realized. Which is why I'm writing here. And which is why I seem somewhat obsessive. I'm not, really. I just never sit down to type anything anymore except concerning that specific subject. I need to fix it soon, but it's like every time I get it out of my head, something happens that makes it take over my thoughts. It's frustrating and annoying. I would think that things like this would finally stop at a certain age. I'm realizing how naive that thought was; an age doesn't make anything stop. People maturing do. and I'm tired and rambling now. I hate this time of night/early morning. No one is ever up which leaves me leaving random comments to strangers =]
from musicman6724 :
I'll try to give you the clarification that you're asking for. I agree that one who is being drawn does become a "seeker." However, in my usage of the word, "seeker" means one who just randomly starts looking for God. In my belief, that just doesn't happen. Scripture pretty much says that. And the "seeker church" is one that tries to appeal to everyone, trying to make God "attractive" to unbelievers by making him look too much like the world. Pretty much a watered-down gospel, if there is any gospel at all. I believe that there's nothing that any human being can do to make God any more attractive than he already is. After all, he is infinitely beautiful, isn't he?? So our efforts could only detract from that beauty. And you shouldn't worry, my friend. I believe that your soul is firmly planted. Your feet, along with mine, might frequently be in slippery places, but our souls are in the hands of Jesus. And no man can snatch them out of his hands. We are eternally secure!
from minstrelite :
It's highly unlikely that it will.
from wordwhore :
i hope leaving your job works out for you.
from morticon :
Hi! I just wanted to let you know that my diary will occasionally be found locked. This is not a permanent thing, and you are welcome to the password, simply email me at cantslayme@yahoo.com. You'll find my reasons for locking my diary once you've unlocked it. Thanks for reading!
from miedema2002 :
yeah, I don't space much in lectures it's mostly just when I'm working on assignments that are boring or that I'm afraid to finish or tasks that I'm afraid to do. I feel so stupid though and I'm scared that everyone else will think I'm stupid too. I hope my teacher will let me do a make-up assignment so I can at least try a get a 60% pass which is the minimum passing grade. Please pray for me. I really do want to finish and go onto university...but with this happening I doubt I will be able too. It feels like my life is over, so I should just quit now.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I did the same in 2006. I'm surprised how well it turned out considering I've been sick with the flu since my b-day. It's amazing how many changes one year can bring...
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I hope things go ok with your daughter.
from miedema2002 :
You might want to go see a doctor about that pain just incase it might be more than just the shoes. Just to be cautious...
from musicman6724 :
Thanks for your nice note. I wish it were 100% true. What you see in Talktogod, is more of my heart's desires than what is actual reality. But at least the desires are there, and our Father promises that he will give those to us.
from minstrelite :
Thanks, Emily!
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on your musical taking off and recieving such good reviews and vibes! :)
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I like to think so too. I am wondering if homosexuality is actually meant to be same as heterosexuality. Maybe homosexuality is Gods way of keeping the number of humans at a decent number so that there was no over-crowding of the Earth? (I'm talking before all this technology was invented). Do you think that could be a possiblility? Maybe both were meant to co-exist in harmony? I just have a hard time believe that God would not bless and love the LGBT community because God is all about loving everyone, even the unfortunate people, and even people who do wrongs no matter how the severity. It just doesn't make sense to me... Maybe humanity made that up? or interpreted whatever was said in the bible wrong? or maybe it's just humanities fear of the unknown and change merged with religion that people find it hard to handle? What do you think?
from talktogod :
Yeah. I decided to make a diary that was totally devoted to...well, devotions. And you've changed your password, so I can't get into yours anymore. Seems to be happening a lot more..."myownjourney" has locked his, now, too. Thanks for reading...
from morticon :
I'm hopeful, but since it won't let me into the drive so I can get the files out that's why I'm concerned.
from wordwhore :
hm, that is the correct email address, so i don't know why i'd not have gotten it. disturbing. "like unto your myspace" is a splendid turn of phrase.
from wordwhore :
i never got an email, but i realized just a day or so ago that i had 2 different emails on my page. i had updated one of them months ago, but i hadn't realized there was an email listed in another spot, and i've only just changed it in the last 3 days or so. if you clicked the link with my @diaryland address (which no longer exists) that'd be why i didn't get it.
from morticon :
I could use the search but the 200GB drive is hooked up separately on the outside of my computer, and ever since it started acting up, my computer can't detect the drive at all when it's turned on, like the drive's completely turned off. It's strange, I'm hoping that it's a connection problem and all I need is a new adapter, but the chances that's the issue are slim.
from wordwhore :
thanks so much for your words of support. they meant a great deal. since you're locked up, i don't know how you're doing, but i hope you are continuing and will continue to do well.
from morticon :
I have tried to back them up, but unfortunately I cannot access the drive, it won't allow me to come in. I've tried everything to access it, nothing works. That's my fear is that I'll never be able to get back in.
from fightn4life :
You locked up??? Please send me your pass word/user name. ozarkdrm@gmail.com I was finaly going to catch up on your world. Sandyz
from miedema2002 :
Sorry, I should have put a smiley face there. I was just kidding when I asked that. I sometimes forget that the computer doesn't convey things the way my mind does if that makes sense. Like I was chuckling in my head when I asked that. I hope you are doing ok. I miss chatting with you on msn.
from miedema2002 :
Was I ever not within the bounds of sanity?
from miedema2002 :
I don't know how I came to that conclusion either. It just hit me and I didn't feel so angry about that outcome anymore. I'm trying to figure out what led to this decision and making sure it's not temporary insanity.
from silverluna :
I don't have that one. I have it now. ^_^
from silverluna :
I think your email actually went into my inbox. It had your name on it. I just accidentally deleted it. But when I tried to email you hotmail acct i got a message saying it failed to send. Maybe I got the spelling wrong??
from silverluna :
thank you. I tried to send you an email with the email address I have, but I guess it's wrong...
from silverluna :
can you send me the email again???
from silverluna :
chilechick316@hotmail.com
from silverluna :
oh my. your diary's locked. :(
from morticon :
I NEVER use my real name on the internet! ;) That's not using my internet smarts :D
from miedema2002 :
I was and am still a daddys girl. We have always been very close. We show it better when it is just the two of us now because of her. And yes she is an insecure person. Why would she treat me like shit though? If anything it shoots her in the foot because who in their right mind would abuse their husbands daughter if her husband was important too her and no she hasn't had luck with relationships, but who does in this world anymore? It's no excuse!
from miedema2002 :
I wish I was in DBT! I'm not. I learn different things about it from different people that I talk to who are in it. I don't still don't understand why the person would be jealous! I can't seem to comprehend it, I mean he loves her to the max in terms of how much someone could love their wife if that makes sense so why compete with something that is totally different and get in a tizzy over it?? I guess some things I'll never understand...
from miedema2002 :
That is ok. I understand. I'm sorry about all of the bad stuff that has been happening, but it sounds like things have really turned around with the steady job for your friend. Congrats! You'll be back on your feet soon enough I know it. I miss talking to you too.
from ohmegah :
OOh it definatly is, but it's been pushed back a couple of months, due to some money situations. I've been doing just some base shots, soon I'll be collecting all of the data, coming up with one collective theme, and from there it's the shoot, and finally the editing. This is my first big project so it might not be able to get what I want through all the way, but I'll try my best.
from minstrelite :
That's all very interesting. I personally read it as "The dog ate meat," but I'm sure such perceptions are subjective and, of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Good luck with your venture.
from ohmegah :
Thank you for writting me back. I asked the question for two reasons 1)I needed feedback for a photoshoot with the theme OHMEGAH (nothing to do with my diary which is why when i first asked the question I locked my diary) and 2) as a psychological test on diaryland users. The test has to do with perceptional organization, how our mind makes up words from a string of letters that really aren't in any coherent organization. An example-THEDOGATEMEAT- is it the do gate me at? or is it the dog ate meat? Only your mind can tell you what's correct.
from wordwhore :
Yep, I knew you were back, since you popped up on my buddy list (I still read dland, even when I don't update). I even left you a couple of comments. Wishing you much good fortune and blessings with the new job prospect.
from ohmegah :
when you see the name "ohmegah" whats the first thing that comes to your mind?
from miedema2002 :
Hi, long time no chat! I pray everything is ok and is going great! Hope to talk to you soon! :)
from oldjake :
7/23/07; Hey Andy... I haven't been able to get into your blog for a long time now... I pray everything is ok.. Jake
from fightn4life :
It's strange isn't it Andy, people that first become atheist have a better chance of knowing the loving God, where those that have no belief at all seem to have closed doors. You hit the nail on the head; "faith" no matter for what it is a start. Sandyz
from spring-da1sy :
Hi. I clicked on your banner, read and liked what I saw. Mind if I add you?
from barefootruby :
should be able to get there via the Older Entries link. otherwise try barefootruby.diaryland.com/060829_18.html and barefootruby.diaryland.com/060830_1.html
from barefootruby :
yeah, its weird how some places just feel comfortable - but we forget until we go back there. There are places like that in my life too - but I can't remember where!! I know I will know them when I go back there.
from barefootruby :
Just wanted to say how much better you are sounding. oh - and your comments doesn't seem to be working.
from morticon :
Hi Andy, if you're interested in having a commenting system for your diary like the one Diaryland provides (in my opinion, better), the service I use is HaloScan. It's free and HTML customizable and you don't have to download anything. Just thought I'd run that past you :) Hope you're doing well. <3 ~Morticon
from barefootruby :
And, of course, if 'bad' things didn't happen, we wouldn't appreciate the 'good' things so much. (does that make sense?)
from requiel :
Welcome back, I'm so glad the piano bench won. Of course I'll still read. You are one of my favs are you not? Heh. I'm proud of you for praying for those who have wronged you. I'm sorry they did that. It wasn't right or fair. I hope they will one day see that. It's so hard to forgive hurt feelings. It take me a long time to get over my feeling being hurt. I do know that praying for them helps heal you more than anything else. Forgiveness is a quality that many strive for but few accomplish. You are doing great.(hug)
from fightn4life :
I am so glad to see you back to writing here. I need to catch up, been feeling up and down. Getting better every day. Thank God. I do believe in Miracles and you just witnessed one. How awesome. Take care I will back read your journal and catch up on your life, always you friend, Sandyz
from barefootruby :
Some time ago (so long ago I can't remember if I was told or worked out for myself) I learnt the habit of thanking God for 'bad' things - things thst go wrong, etc. I find that when I do that I have to stop and think: "why am I thanking God for this?" And by thinking, I can see some 'good' out of the situation - something I am right to thank God for. ('chinks' (bookmarked off my diary) has an example of this.)
from morticon :
It's pretty hot in my area too! Just today I quickly got myself out of the heat after a long car drive because I was getting a heat headache XO yuck, not fun.
from morticon :
You're definitely not alone! I hold on too tightly also. I still can't let go of things that happened 3 years ago. 3 FRICKING YEARS AGO >: (
from xt4j :
Thanks for the compliment. =) I thought I'd write specifically for my readers for once. ;-)
from anainsight :
"But God transcends all three. He's an Artist himself, so he knows. I'm just having a hard time accepting that His creation is better than mine." - Boy, do I ever understand that one, especially when I think of it in terms of me as being His creation. But then again, that means that I think I could do a better job on me, and I sure don't think that - but that's probably just the depression talking. anyway. I'm rambling. Have a nice day!
from yarnsmith :
Well good luck with the final mix of your closing number. You won't do anything in the end to mess up. Although I do know what you mean by that. The idea is to be conscious of the fact that you can mess up just when things come to a head and overriding that...Also, Happy Belated Birthday. I don't have much time for blogging these days and even less time for reading so my MO has been to select one of my buddies and catch up when I can. This morning I did some catching up on you. I appreciate the note you left and it reminded me that I haven't read your blog in a while. My work situation has been rather all encompassing when it comes to sucking the life out of me and when I do have some time aside from taking care of the other verities in my life....I try to work on my novel. I may never become a paid novelist and very well may end up working for the man in an office for the rest of my life but darn it...I have to give it a try. I can't imagine wanting to do anything else for a living. Here I am at 50 years old still figuring what I'm gonna be when I grow up. I think that it is great you are actually seeing your musical through...ya just gotta take something and work it to its end and not give up. Good luck. Paula
from raen :
Oh, and as miedema asked: What IS the Unpardonable Sin??
from raen :
Chill, my man. Had a busy weekend. That, plus my chronic fatigue and husband's disdain for my being on the internet doesn't let me be online much. I'm mainly online during the week when: the husband's at work, I'm done homeschooling (or it's breaktime), or my son is watching tv or playing a game (and even then he's constantly yelling at me to "look" so I have to get up and see what he wants me to see or he throws a fit).
from miedema2002 :
What is the unpardonable sin?? -Emily
from miedema2002 :
Hi, I listened to that song Wide Eyed. The tune was beautiful and she has a pretty voice. Not really my kind of lyrics though. I am one of those people who believes in reincarnation and healing powers and crystals to help the earths spiritual auras. It was kinda wierd hearing about how she was ignorant towards her and how SOME Christians can be so closed minded. You don't seem to be, wanted to make that clear that I'm not generalizing here. I still find it ignorant that she assumed that she was created by her God. Maybe the woman was created by her own God? Why does it have to be the God of Christianity only? I don't know that's just me. Sorry if this comment offends you. I'm just making a point.
from anainsight :
Hi there, I was searching and found you'd come back. Glad to see you! Hope you're doing well. peace!
from herdarlinsin :
You write beautiful poetry. (I just wanted to share that with you)
from minstrelite :
I'm taking off now (for a while) and it won't be possible to leave me a note in the meantime. I'll probably be back later on down the road.
from anainsight :
Hey there! Sorry you're feeling down. It sucks when everything looks so bad. I'm glad you're able to realize it's part of your disorder, and deal with it. What's the deal about being in a "controlling" church? I thought you loved your church. I got to where I couldn't stand the false faces people wore, and I never went back. But if you're in a church where someone's trying to control you, whether it be physically or mentally, then something's really wrong. I hope you can get yourself out of that situation if you feel you need to. anyway. Have a good night. peace!
from miedema2002 :
sorry forgot to give you my addy emilymediema@hotmail.com
from fan4 :
I prefer having messenger friends who I'm guaranteed to have a chat with. I don't understand why some people leave their messenger on, when they're busy doing something else that'll take a while. My two reasons for turning mine on are 1.) See if I have any offline messages to read and 2.) I feel like chatting with somebody who also uses Y!M.
from miedema2002 :
I would like to see the e-mail too though please if I may.
from miedema2002 :
yes I have msn. just add my e-mail address in and I should get a message. I look forward to cahtting with you.
from fan4 :
Maybe I should take you off my messenger list then, Andy. I DID say "hi" to you, but you never responded to that.
from xt4j :
Hey, you're unlocked! Yay! =D
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for the info on the printer cable, but I thought that you had a laptop. Don't laptops require a different printer connection than desktops? Now I'm all confused. Oh well, I'm going to run on over to the best buy and talk to them. Maybe they can help me sort it all out. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for noting me back. Funny, I went to BestBuy.com, just to compare the price. They've got it priced at 134.99. So I don't know how much it would cost in the store, but I sure do need to get one before Saturday, when Brandon comes to set up the new computer. I'm a total failure at setting them up myself. anyway. I'll try to run over to the best buy tomorrow and take a look at it, just to see. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, how's it going? How are you liking the new Epson printer? I followed your link to the site. Does it come with FAX software, or is that a dinosaur now? I used to have an Epson inkjet that I liked pretty well, then when I got my first Dell it came with a Dell printer. The problem is, the Dell ink literally sucks. When you get a new color cartridge, before it's even 1/4 of the way empty, it's out of blue ink and the colors won't print true anymore. So as you can imagine, I'm in the market for a new printer for my new computer, but I don't want to spend an arm and a leg. Are the replacement ink cartridges expensive? How does it do on B&W? I know I'm being nosy but I can't help being curious. anyway. Glad you had a good day. peace!
from xt4j :
Thanks for noting me back. I knew you weren't trying to show me up; I have more faith in you than that. I knew you meant well and I wanted to express that in my note to you. But hey, if you would pray for me to remember how much it cost Christ to pay for my sin, I would really appreciate that. Thanks, Andy. =)
from xt4j :
(In re: to the note you left for me on 1-10-07) I believe you took the idea of God's life being ruined in a completely different context than I meant it. I do appreciate the reminder of Christ's sacrifice, and I realize that this was no easy thing for God/Jesus to do. However, God goes on in even greater splendor than before and His life is *far* from ruined. God is truly the only self-sufficent Person, and He would go on just fine without us. He suffered, yes, but His life was not destroyed.
from anainsight :
I can so totally relate to everything you said in your most recent entry. I don't have an exceptionally short fuse myself, but I have somehow, without knowledge of how exactly I did it, have managed to piss off so many people that professionally I'm probably dead in the water. I'm realistic enough to realize that although not all the bad situations were my fault, more of them probably were my fault than weren't, and I've got nobody to blame but myself. But I wouldn't totally give up on the project if I were you, and I also wouldn't totally give up on the idea that you could have a car. I think you could have one, just don't make Pete mad. Ask him to take you shopping for a car. Remember that I'm in a similar situation with regard to my finances; my brothers control my trust fund and they ask me for a budget every month. So I understand exactly how you feel. But please don't give up on your dream. Even if you don't get it produced like you want, maybe there's other ways you can share it, like if you can manage to get yourself a car, go to nursing homes and places like your friend does, where there will be an appreciative audience. I made a New Year's resolution that I'm going to do that, too - try to share my limited talent with lonely people who would like just to have someone to entertain them for a little while. anyway. Good luck, and peace!
from miedema2002 :
That's the spirit! Go for the gold!! :)
from miedema2002 :
Oh my gosh! I don't know how you handle having someone hold onto your finances. I would be a nervous wreck!! constantly paranoid thinking that the person was spending my money behind my back and other such unfathomable scenarios. I admire your strength and trust. On an off note in the town where my parents live they got SNOW! whoopie!! lol! Enjoy the next time you go running. ok this message is so random.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry about the recent anger issues, and lack of recongnition on your music that you are working so hard on. It's hard to face challenges in something that you put your soul into. It's a jungle out there, but I have faith that you will succeed. I know it! :) Ummm this probably isn't my place to say considering that I don't know the extent of your illness or your therapists approach, so disregard it if you think I'm way off. Shouldn't your therapist be encouraging face to face contact? and eventual return to the workforce? I mean why don't you try and view the disability benefits as a break to work on things until you truly feel ready to return and get out there again. In a way it sounds almost disempowering that face-to-face contact is discouraged because it only increases isolation, which in turn hightens loneliness, low-confidence, aggrivation, and down and down we go. It also makes it sound like you are "less of a person" or "different" in a bad way, when in reality you are unique like every other individual out there and you are just as deserving of friends and social contact as anyone else. You deserve to reap all the benefits of everything that you set out to do and in time I'm sure will. And God will be there every step of the way. Ok now I just rambled lol sorry! Again I'm not an expert. Only a student who is still learning and is probably incredibly naive until I start getting real life professional experience. Bye-bye for now.
from requiel :
Oh, heh,heh. sorry..... my mistake. *blush*
from requiel :
and I didn't get the password.
from requiel :
I'm off your buddy list...:( waa.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry you are feeling sick. I hope you get well soon. I'm glad that your financial situation has worked for the better too. Excellent! Good luck in the future.
from requiel :
Have I offended you?
from anainsight :
"I wish people would appreciate me for what I have to offer rather than constantly reminding me how fucked up I am." I can totally relate to that. People, especially my brothers, who are in charge of my trust fund, are constantly reminding me how much I've done wrong and failed. So I know exactly how you feel.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for letting me know about your diary being locked. My e-mail is emilymediema@hotmail.com.
from musicman6724 :
Heya Andy. I haven't forgotten you. I still think about you frequently, as well. Sadly, I tried to read your diary this morning, but it was locked. If you'd like, I would like the password, so I can get caught up on what's happening with you. I haven't been very faithful to my d-land buddies in the past few months, but am determined to get back to it. Take care, my friend.
from fightn4life :
Andy, I am on an old computer, no address for anyone that hasn't e-mailed me. My new one will not be fixed untill I have the money for the part that went out. I need you to e-mail me so I can get your pass word. I need the link for your book so I can get it today/night so it will get to you (pay) in Jan. I hope all is well with you, Sandyz
from anainsight :
Thanks! I still can't figure out why it's not working on my end, but if it's still locked for everyone else, that's all that matters. Have a Happy New Year!
from anainsight :
Help! Would you please go to my diary and see if the prompt for the password still comes up, or if it will just open for anyone? It's not working on my end. Thanks!
from anainsight :
Guess what; I upgraded my software for Print Music today! I noticed you have Finale; that's a little too expensive for me. But I had Print Music for Windows 95. Now I have Print Music 2007 (or at least the disc is coming to me in the mail). Now maybe I can print up some of my music. I wish I could hear it played again. One time in junior year I wrote a flute quartet for 3 flutes and alto flute. I turned it in on Friday and that night was hospitalized with meningitis. I was out of class three weeks and was told later by my classmates that the teacher had brought all the instrumentalists in to play the quartet, but I never heard it. anyway. Hope you can manage to get away, even if it is only for a few days.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. That was a very deep and thoughtful message from your pastor. I was reading an article on Yahoo.com about church services called "Blue Christmas", for people who are dealing with grief and/or depression. Instead of bright candlelight and happy hymns, they play somber music and lay dead branches across the altar and cover them with a cloth. In a way, they're acknowledging the "winter season" in our lives. I wish I could have found one of those here in Atlanta, I would have gone to it - a chance to be sad without having to pretend to be happy. That probably would have done me some good. anyway. I got up this morning, albeit rather late, and went out and did things. Nothing really important but it was the fact that I got out rather than stayed in. So I think I've made it through relatively unscathed. BTW, I thought you ought to know that your page is starting to load V-E-R-Y slowly, even for those of us with highspeed DSL. Maybe you ought to check it out. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I'm better now. If I can just get through until about 3:15 tomorrow afternoon I'll be OK. Hope you have a Merry Christmas, as merry as possible, and a happy new year!
from anainsight :
Sorry for the mix-up: no, I don't have dialup, but your page IS appearing for me, I have DSL. Sorry I can't be of more help; I'm not sure who you have on your list that has dialup, but it isn't me. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, just thought of something re: dialup. Could it be that because you have that song playing now on your page, that it's taking too long for dialups to load? Maybe that is the answer to your puzzle. But I don't know, just taking a stab in the dark. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your note. Can't help you with that one because I don't have dialup. Sorry!
from anainsight :
Hi, just wanted to drop a note to say Merry Christmas! peace!
from morticon :
Cool! Good luck with that :)
from morticon :
I think it's great how it is! It's a nice choice of song and the credit looks good too :)
from morticon :
Yeah you'll need a direct URL to the song and then if you want it to play in the background you use this code: <embed src="URL" hidden=true autostart=true> <noembed> <bgsound src="URL" loop=infinite> </noembed> :)
from morticon :
I actually don't use Diaryland's uploading system, I use Ripway :) it's free, the URL for it is http://www.ripway.com
from morticon :
hehe, yeah it's the same as loading an image, and you use an embed src code to put it on which I can get you as well if you need it :)
from tfrunner262 :
Running in the cold, never very fun... except that if you run far and fast enough you'll be convinced that it's spring or summer by the time you're done :) Yeah, the hat and gloves are kind of essential though!! I would reccommend layering with dry-fit everything on the base layer, if you don't already, because that helps a LOT with keeping warm. And if you don't mind looking too bad-ass, sunglasses are good just to block the wind -- I've caught myself with them on after sun-down before!! Good luck with braving the cold though, I admire your efforts and need to get back out there more often myself!!
from minstrelite :
Hmmm...this is deeper than I'd thought. Let me ponder the "Car in Living Room" scenario, and I'll get back to you.
from raen :
I can't tell her to stop. She's too damned nice. And if I told her off, even politely, I could never be comfortable living so close to her again. Old ladies can be cruel. Old ladies have much less concern for breaking the law. They feel entitled to do whatever pleases them because of their age, etc. If she turned vindictive,... well, I have our cats and son to think about. Yes, I'm paranoid. :) She still drives, too. I don't want her car in my living room.
from raen :
No doctors. Sometimes I feel as though so much as walking in close proximity to a doctor's office gets me a bill of over $1,000. How much they charge compared with how much time spent with them (apart from the wait) comes out to them making about $2,100/hr around here. No, thanks. -- But, yeah, I told The Man last night that I wasn't going to see raw meat and think "well, why not?" ever again. Especially poultry.
from xt4j :
Thank you very much. =)
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed and out of place right now. But I know you will make it you have that drive! That determination to make life work for you! This is just a temporary set back in thinking that's all. God is watching you and taking care of you all the time even in your sad states and when you don't even realize it. There is a plan in the cards for you I'm sure.
from aberrations :
Hi! My name is Michelle. I just found your diary. I am bi-polar and my life was turned upside down. I was a journalist. A successful journalist living a somewhat normal life. I too an disabled. I write and illustrate, but nothing will ever be normal again. At least what I consider normal. Hang in there. Happy Holidays!
from raen :
LOL! You've got a good point there. I guess that would be restricting...to feel an unseen entity watching your every move. ... Narly. ;)
from anainsight :
Hi, I really grooved on your latest entry. My psychiatrist said something fairly similar to me this morning - essentially she said not to waste emotional energy worrying about those changes which are inevitable in life, but to just relax and do what you have to do and sort out the changes when they happen. For some reason, that really strikes a chord with me. It's funny, I'm fairly certain I've heard this before, from others, but it was something about the way she said it that really made sense to me. Maybe like you, I'm starting to "get it". Hope you have a great day. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi, you haven't offended me. The reason I removed you was that I had an anxiety attack after reading one of your entries when you seemed to be going downhill really fast, and it scared me. I don't think you're a misogynist, or anything like that. I still read you, I just manually search you and read your entries when I'm in an okay frame of mind, which isn't necessarily when you update. I hope it didn't offend you, that wasn't what I intended. But you're still one of my favorites. peace!
from requiel :
Hiya! I got your note. I'm sorry I don't have AIM I have messenger. I would love to answer any questions you have. You can e-mail me anytime!
from miedema2002 :
I always love reading your entries of insight and self-awareness. I admire you for being so strong and pushing hard to follow through with your committment to change. And you make it sound so easy! lol
from xt4j :
I'm actually exceptionally good with language; I am, however, a horrible student. Thus the C in Spanish. It's a sophomore-level class and I'm a freshman. Not only am I freshman, but I'm a very distracted student. The teacher is not very forgiving. I take the pictures with a webcam that's built into my computer; I don't do much in the way of editing them. Thanks for the compliment, but it's all the computer, how nice they turn out.
from anainsight :
So, does that mean that you click on lock/unlock, fill in the first blank with a username and password, then just give that out to everyone else?
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I can't figure out how to lock it, I wanted to make up a password and just give it to my friends, but from the looks of the "lock/unlock" page, it seems like you can only give it out to certain people. I don't know what I'll do but if it does end up locked, just note me and I'll give you the username and password.
from xt4j :
Links must all turn to ash and blow away in the wind!! This is the third time I've returned to your notes page, and the first time I've clicked on the link I intially intened to click. The people who leave you notes and the people on your favorite diaries page are all very interesting people; it's hard not to want to spend too much time perusing. But anyway, I am finally here to tell you what interesting things I have discovered on my computer. Frist of all, I have a program where I can drag and drop pictures into pre-made layouts and add ballons to indicate speech or thought, so it's like a custom-made comic book without all the work. Second, I found out that I can use the same little thing I use to take pictures on my computer to record and make movies. The only problem with that is my computer is rather stationary so if I wanted to make movies of stuff outside my room I'd have to break down and buy a camcorder. My family's never owned one. Anyway, that's all. =) I have an iMac so the programs are iMovie and Comic Life. They came with the computer, I just don't explore much so even though I've had the computer for a couple months now I just discovered them last night.
from raen :
The one I was talking about was a Yahoo! Group, not very active and not very helpful. BUT I do recommend this fine forum: http://www.dreamviews.com/forum/index.php (talks about lucidity mainly, but there are lots of members and lots of topics). And there's this one for all dream discussion: http://www.dreemmoods.com/cgi-bin/dreamforum/YaBB.pl -- Here's another site to check: http://www.lifetreks.com/
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I didn't get to see my therapist in person after the accident, but I did call her and we talked for about 30 minutes. I still haven't gotten my car fixed yet, I'm waiting on the part. But I'm still grateful I wasn't killed. My friend told me not to focus on the fact that I was nearly killed, but for some reason I need to. I need to keep reminding myself of how frightening that was, and maybe it will stop the suicidal thoughts. I hope so, anyway. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I am an adult. I turn 22 in December. I am on my own in Toronto paying my way through college and residence. I don't know why the bill was sent to my dads address it should have been sent to the college! They also told me the night of the ambulance ride that the hospital would take care of it, but my memory isn't entirely clear on that night anyway. But I can see their point of being worried and me being mom and dads kid, but they overreact too much I think.
from miedema2002 :
I can see where you are coming from, but I think that they are angry because they can't control me anymore. They know I have trust issues with them because of past happenings so they shouldn't be ones to talk! My life is my business and I shouldn't have to tell them every single little thing going on in my life. Especially something like this that woudl have worried them anyway. They alwasy overreact that is exactly the reason WHY I keep things hidden. Can you see my point of view too?
from raen :
I've thought about joining a gym over the years. But it's not in the budget, nor the schedule. And then there's my chronic fatigue and severe anti-social nature. Too many things to overcome before I step foot in a gym. Maybe one year. :)
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note and the 3,000 mile hug. Never had one from that far away before. Basically what it is, it's a health insurance thing (more specifically, the lack of) and a lot of unpleasant prospects, the main one being the possibility of becoming financially wiped out in the event of an illness. I honestly don't know what to do. But I did manage to get something to eat (I went through a drive through, not the healthiest of options, but at least I got something). The not being seen thing is a quirk of mine. I just can't stand to be seen at times. I sure hope God still loves me, because I have this feeling that I'm going to be all alone and friendless in this world for a long time yet to come. anyway. Thanks for your note, it helps put it in perspective. peace!
from xt4j :
You mentioned me in your journal. I feel so honored. Thank you, and I'm glad God is using something I wrote to bless you; I am so amazed by that. =)
from raen :
I'm holding to the hope. I need to make some healthy changes in my life. Remember how 30 felt? Well, I'm coming up on it fast. It's the whole "facing 30 freakout," and I feel like I need to make some changes now or it's all downhill from here instead of from 40 or 50. I think of how you run every morning and...I just really admire that kind of discipline. :)
from morticon :
aw thanks! hehe
from morticon :
thank you, yeah i did :)
from yarnsmith :
When you combine faith with putting one foot in front of the other it pays off.
from anainsight :
Thanks for praying for my poodle. I know it's probably crazy of me to put so much stock in a small animal, but I just can't help it, I love her so much. If I had no poodle to love me, what would be the point? anyway. Thanks so much. peace!
from anainsight :
That Music Match thing is a ripoff. It is the slowest downloading thing you could ever imagine, and how to use it is totally inexplicable. I want an ipod (red) for Christmas this year. Not that I'm likely to get it, but I understand that you can download I-tunes for free, even if you don't own an ipod, and catalog your music using it. I may do that in hopes that if I save what little money I get for Christmas and my birthday, I may be able to buy one for myself. anyway. Glad you had a good Thanksgiving. peace!
from xt4j :
What a good laugh! Hello, Andy; my name is Danielle, aka xt4j aka Foundmercy. Call me anything you like. And I'm glad you like the song on my Myspace page.
from raen :
This thought occurs: If I had a nightmare about something that could happen that same day, part of me would be hoping it would happen just so I could say I dreamed it. Well, it would depend on the nightmare. Naturally, if it was something very tragic, I wouldn't want it to come true. But it would still be thrilling for dream happenings to come to life - as if you saw the future. I hope your day is ok so far. Maybe you'll write about this dream later?
from anainsight :
I HOPE I get to see Spamalot. It's going to be here for a whole week, and tickets are going fast. I don't like to buy them online, so I'll have to find a nearby outlet. It costs $54 friggin' dollars for one lousy ticket. But I'm a sucker. I LOVE Monty Python. What are some of the songs like, and do you know anything about the plot, or is it just a musical revue of the Python's music? I haven't been able to find out anything about it.
from jehsika :
just to let you know, the red color of your links on the blue background of your page...it's really hard on the eyes.
from yarnsmith :
That looks like some pretty sophisticated software. How's it working for you?
from yarnsmith :
You are not missing anything by not owning a TV set. Actually, I watch very little TV..most of it is stupid, but I have stumbled across Rachel Ray's cooking show when surfing (cable, food network) and now it seems I see her face on every box of every kind of food in the grocery store..advertising things you can spread on crackers, advertising 50 ways you can use a jar of olives and a box of Triscuits. She's everywhere. Actually, I am more troubled about why I don't like her than about her, herself. She is interesting, cute and charming and I don't think that's why I don't like her. I also don't think it's because she smiles too much....I think in some odd sort of way, it is the shape of her smile itself that bothers me and I wonder why this should make me not like someone. The innerworkings of my feeble brain always fascinate me.
from xt4j :
Thank you very, very much for your words. I didn't expect anyone to think anything about what I wrote, much less want to say something helpful to me! But your words were helpful. Thank you lots. =)
from miedema2002 :
Ah cool I have to start Dialectical Behavioural Thereapy (DBT) It's a therapy especially used for people with BPD. No problem by the way. I'm heading to bed now goodnight.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the note. You are right about those things.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. Yeah it was hard that my mom had left at that time, but she came back and we have jsut recently gotten close, so it's nice, but my step mom mmm I only put up with it for my dad because I love my dad. Anyway thanks for hte note.
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I am only on Effexor
from miedema2002 :
Now I've read a few of your entries. I kind of think there is a way to let go and still not let your guard down. It has to do with detaching but at the same time making sure you do the right things. I'm just starting to learn how to do that myself, with regards to my brother and my sister, and some other members of my family. What do you mean by detaching and doing the right things??
from miedema2002 :
He didn't try anything because my friends were with me and we left after I was done. I didn't see if he followed or not.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I will make use of it.
from anainsight :
hi, thanks for the welcome-back! I'm doing Amahl and the Night Visitors. Very exciting but also very stressful. At least the performance is short. Oh well, gotta go get my costume ready for dress rehearsal. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Yeah, I know I will be. I'm glad that you had a good day around the village, taking in the scenery and such. If you don't mind me asking is it the Bloor West village you are in? If so I can so understand how you feel. It is a beautiful place.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for your concern. I am not 100% better yet, but I'm getting there. I'm resting tonight.
from miedema2002 :
oh, ok sorry. I wish that I had a car, but even then I wouldn't be able to drive it because I don't have a licence and I don't have a licence because I am visually impaired and wouldn't be able to pass the tests lol! I hope you get enough money to get your car. Take care.
from miedema2002 :
I can totally relate to not being able to drive and wasting so much time on the bus. I am the same way. Maybe you can get your drivers some day?
from sadhaven :
Hello, I just wanted to let you know about this new public diary called "sadhaven." It is for people who suffer from mental illness and/or addictions to vent and express themselves. If you would like to know more take a look around. Thank you.
from xt4j :
Thank you for your kind words... I was pretty sure none of those thoughts could be met with anything good. That note from you was a bright spot in a drab day. Thank you!
from requiel :
Thanks for the note! I hope you stay a while. I don't know if it's a common name among Mormons, when we named her Sierra we didn't know anyone else who had the name. Doesn't it always work that way though? You name a child thinking it is unique and over the next few years it seems like it's a lot more common. Maybe it's because we are surrounded by mountains. I dunno.
from anainsight :
hey, thanks for wishing me a good trip. I see you've changed the color of your layout several times. That's cool, how do you do that? I don't know the first thing about HTML, I wish that d'land had a preprogrammed template that would change at random every time. That would rock! anyway. Glad you got your laundry done. I decided to wait until tomorrow morning to do mine, simply because I don't have to be to my destination until 4:00 and I don't want to leave too early. so I guess I'll check back in on you guys next week. peace!
from yarnsmith :
Just wanted to pop in and say hi. I have not been able to get to diaryland much as of late but wanted you to know I still pop in and read from time to time.
from anainsight :
hey there, I went to your Live Journal and found out something very interesting. Did you know my birthday's only one day away from yours? I'm 3/28. Not going to say what year, but I expect we're probably in the same decade. anyway. So glad about what happened with your daughter. Hope you're doing okay. peace!
from wordsofmine :
I know what you mean about disability. I've had my go arounds about that but the doctor has said until I have my medications down to where I can handle life on life terms, I'm not ready to be out in the world full time. Like you, it's not forever and the disability will assist until then.
from anainsight :
Hi, how much Klonopin did they have you on? I only take 1 mg. I can't imagine that such a small amount could affect my vocal cords. A lot of my meds are a lot stronger. When you really get down to it, though, it's probably because I went so many years without coaching and daily practice. It's just that I wasn't performing very often, and having a coach is very expensive. Oh well, maybe all the work with the opera and the chorus this year will bring it back. Another problem may be that I'm singing Alto 2, whereas I used to be Soprano 2. Where is your master's from? Mine's from Converse College Conservatory of Music in Spartanburg, SC.
from raen :
I would recommend keeping a dream journal to anyone! Since I started mine, I've remembered more dreams. I'd heard that recording your dreams helps one better remember future dreams, and it does! It's like your subconscious knows you're now keeping track and dreams pop out like "Hey, look at me! Write me down!" :) I love my dream journal, and I can go back and read some of the first I recorded years ago and I'm right back in them like I dreamed them only yesterday. It's great. // About the dreams of friends of the two people from your past, I don't think it means that you should necessarily contact them. You can, sure, and it might be a good time for you to. But it could simply mean that you want/need those kinds of meaningful people close to you again. You now want what you had with those people before. Possibly. Or you might be feeling guilty that you fell out of touch. Interpretation is difficult; definitely not as easy as flipping through a dream dictionary. Do you miss those people or do you mostly miss the interaction you had with them (which isn't necessarily the same thing)? Perhaps your wanting the comfort of their closeness or just the feeling (like "good times") you had back during that time in your life. // About the journals... I wish I kept up with more often. I mean to every day, and I admire you're ability to do that! I read you every day. I definitely read more often than I write. I read until I run out of time to update myself. *lol* Usually I wait until "my boys" are asleep (man and kid) and try to do my updating then. No interruptions. And sometimes it's after morning coffee and reading the news that I try to update. I'm going to try to post an entry tonight. I have an entry in my head right now for each of my journals, but my son is about to brought home from his grandma's (about 10 minutes) so...entries have to wait. Devotion is the key, I suppose. I find interesting people that become "must reads." And I love the connection the internet provides and I want to be a part of it. I enjoy it so I stick around and let people know what's up on my end. You never know what other people will be interested in. And it's pretty cool when someone takes an interest in something small that you also like or can relate to. All about connecting. :) // I hope you recover that laptop!!
from anainsight :
I know it's kind of a sad day for you to be remembering your Mom. My mom died May 15. I wonder how I'll be feeling that day next year. Just wanted to send a friendly hello!
from tfrunner262 :
Hey I got your message, and it's fine if you read -- it's just that I can't seem to find your e-mail to send you the password info. If you could e-mail me (my e-mail is on my profile) or leave me yours that'd be great :)
from morticon :
No problem! Just go to armbell.com, click "create free forum", type in your username, forum name, etc. and hit create forum (but there also may be some other stuff to go through but I'm pretty sure it's rather easy) ^^
from anainsight :
Yeah, Saturdays are boring but usually Sundays are even worse (for me anyways). That's why I've got a list, that way I won't waste the day like I did today. XD
from trinityboy :
I'm glad to hear that you're finding spiritual sustenance, be it in the liturgy or anywhere else. There certainly is a power conveyed in the simple movements of the Eucharist - a physical telling of the story - and in joining that act in community. Thanks to God for the blessing of gentle companions in faith.
from morticon :
Sorry you were feeling down...glad you're back up again :)
from fightn4life :
Hi Andy, it is so nice to have come across your Diary once again. I pray you do not leave again because of unfriendly or mean-spirited notes left to you by an ammoniums person as you have before. Your words have helped me so much in the past and as I once said we both are very spiritual trying our best to get through the troubled times through faith. Your writings at time are a reflection of your soul, I have learned much from you about the struggles with a mental disease, my husband as we once wrote to one another about too battles with his mental demons which almost cost us our marriage. Reflections in your Diary long ago helped me understand his pain and I helped him instead of turning a blind eye and walking our door. I am so glad Andy you have taken up walking running again, one thing I always notice during your ponderings of the heart is no matter how difficult your life is you hold dear to your faith and try to look for any positive things going on. You are definitely a true spiritual survivor, I admire your faith. I wish you peace once again Andy and I am so glad I found the foot prints back to your world. Sandyz
from minstrelite :
yeah, the job's nice!
from morticon :
Congratulations about your job! I hope it will serve you well ;)
from anainsight :
I seem to have gotten over the unreasonable panic myself - except that unlike you, I could honestly not think of anything that could have brought it on. So I took my meds early and went to bed. When I woke up it was gone - now it's almost 3 AM. If I can manage to go back to sleep, I'll consider it a success - panic attack averted. I'm glad you made it through and sang in the choir. Choir is very therapeutic for me. During the years when I had to be out of it, when I was at my sickest, I missed it terribly, and now that I'm back, I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I have rehearsal tomorrow night. anyway. Good luck on the recording; I wish I had speakers on my computer so I could go to the site where it's archived and hear it for myself. Maybe one day I can. peace!
from morticon :
Hey, if you're still looking for a host to hold the Burden Project, there's this site I found: http://www.polarphase.com, depending on how much money you're planning on using, the services begin at 4.99 and the better the plan, it'll go up to 64.99. ^^
from morticon :
Ooh ooh more libertarians?! Sweet!
from anainsight :
Don't worry about your dark day. It's OK. I had one too, yesterday. In my case, I think it was because yesterday would have been my mother's 82nd birthday, had she lived (she died on May 15). I think that's why I was so low (along with some other reasons). anyway. I got up this morning and had coffee and went straight to work on the house, the computer and my sewing projects. The black veil is starting to lift. Just wanted to send you some encouragement. peace!
from ariza :
Hi, in case you haven't noticed, I haven't been on the internet! If I had my own laptop, I would love to get my IM'S back! But you can email if you wish. Jazz
from anainsight :
I am so pleased for you I hardly know what to say. You have been in my thoughts a lot lately. I know I should say "you have been in my prayers", but I don't pray. I know that's bad, and I know I should, but somehow I just can't bring myself to. But after having seen you get your miracle, maybe it will be easier for me to do it. It's always "the next right thing". Best wishes and peace!
from littlesprite :
Hello. How are you? I hope everything is shaping up for you, I really do. It is strange but in some way, having read your diary from when it was homeboy to now, I feel a sort of funny affection for it. Its linked into my growth as well. I've finally updated. Its nauseous how long I've ignored writing.
from anainsight :
hi, thanks for your note. Not all my notes are showing up. Maybe there's some sort of limit to how many you can have? anyway. I tried to do "the next right thing" tonight but I failed miserably. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing on your sudden windfall this morning. Even though I didn't succeed I'm still gonna try. peace!
from anainsight :
Hi! I just wanted to say, keep it up, esp. the job-hunting, and good luck with the meds. I'm still transitioning and I don't know as I'm all that much better, but she said it could take 2-3 months. I'm still kind of stuck in the house most of the time, but I ventured out yesterday. Keep your bank account going. And don't let the other guys drug-talking get you down. Just focus on you and doing the next right thing. That's what I'm doing for me. I realize that we're very different, we're in different situations, but I am thinking of you. I've never seen anyone be so honest about working through their stuff. peace!
from justmeasiam :
Hiya. Sorry the meds aren't treating you right. I've been there too. Most people say it may take a few weeks to really see the true effects of the meds. I agree with you about waiting to talk to your doctor. Hopefully, he can give you some hope there. I'll continue to pray for you.
from anainsight :
Just wanted to give you good wishes and say to just grit your teeth and stay with the zyprexa, it'll probably pass eventually. I'm in transition with my meds too. It's not easy but I think it will be worth it. Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.
from justmeasiam :
Hi. I've been reading you for awhile and I'd like to add you to my buddylist. But, I like to ask before I add anyone. You've mentioned how we here at Diaryland don't always fully read someone before leaving a note. I think I've read enough to know I want to add you. If you'd like to check me out first, please do. I hope your life gets to the place you're searching for. Godbless.
from anainsight :
"...I've come to believe that I need help here in the world, therapy and counseling, to figure out why I'm still, years later, making the same stupid unconscious mistakes, over and over, and jeapordizing everything I do." Right on. If there's one thing I've learned (as a fellow Christian and psychologically messed-up person who makes the same stupid mistakes over and over again and jeopardizes everything she does) I couldn't agree more. Christ will save your soul from hell. Believing that "just believing in Christ" will save YOU from YOURSELF is a fantasy at best. You have to WORK to get better. I've been working for more than eleven years. Will we ever get to stop working? I don't think so. peace!
from j-jill :
Really? That would be great! Its so awesome you wrote a Sonata. Wow. Um, yeah. I mean, if its no problem. My email is jillreece@cableone.net. Wow, thank you so much!
from susabeth :
Hi... I deleted some old notes like you asked. Let me know if I need to delete any more of them. Hope you're doing well.
from anainsight :
No matter where you go, here you are. I need to remember that one for myself. I thought if I moved away to another state I could start all over but it's not true. I'll still be me. anyway. Thinking of you. peace!
from anainsight :
I just made my daily entry, then I went back and read yours. How interesting. We both seem to be in the same dire predicament. anyway. I'm going to MAKE myself do something. Hope you can do the same as well. peace!
from j-jill :
Thank you, and I'll definately listen to some of the music.
from j-jill :
Hey, I'm sure you don't know me, but I clicked on your banner when it caught my eye, and began to read your diary. The first thing I read was about a flute sonata. I, being the flute player that I am, of course had to continue to read. I ended up visiting your website and reading a synopsis of your play, and it sounds amazing. I really love the whole idea to it. I've always loved the books about mental health issues and such, but your play seems to focus more on coming to new realizations rather than the same old life in the institute bit. I just wanted to let you know that it sounds really interesting and I will definately check back for more updates on it.
from anainsight :
hi... OK, I guess I get it, but that's OK. forgive me for being a bit unperceptive. peace!
from anainsight :
Wow, and I thought I had it bad. At least I still have a home, at least for now. I'm thinking of you and I won't be so fast to complain again in the future. peace!
from godzgirlz :
Hey it's Piper.... No email from you in a while so thought I'd drop in on you! Peace In HIM ~Piper~
from yarnsmith :
Never heard the term "God Shot" before but I like it. We just say "God Thing" here for lack of a better term. I think I will spread "God Shot" into the midwest. Life is better lived in the throws of the throngs and the swing of life even though it is tempting for us to seek out solace and solitude.
from vintagepearl :
Sendin' some Anthony Rapp love.
from vintagepearl :
Haha, I so have it now. Guess what I watched yesterday? That's right. Anthony Rapp. Well, Rent, but Anthony Rapp was in it. :) Sigh. I'm going to meet him someday. Or talk to him. At least.
from vintagepearl :
:) Thanks. But yet again I believe the script is not in my Inbox, haha. Did you remember the 83? I burst out singing "Rent" songs in Play Production and rambling about the greatness of Anthony Rapp. During this the director, Erica, took the flowers I was playing with without me noticing.
from vintagepearl :
Wow I haven't talked to anyone in foreverrr because it's been hard getting computer time lately. How are you? Thanks, it's going to take time because I've been so busy! I want to read it *right now* but again, no time, grr. Nope, only Act I, and I can't wait to finish that and get to Act II because I'm loving what I've read. Awesome, thanks! You got talent! Haha thanks again, I've got many portions memorized already, and we go on in a couple weeks. I'm not nervous yet, but I know it'll hit me hard. Hope you're well, take care!
from vintagepearl :
I've read part of your script (it worked this time!) and so far it's amazingg but I can't read any more for awhile because there's not much spare time here. I love the way it's playing out so far! Thank you for sending it to me! That's good, the calling your daughter part. I'm not quite sure why I am the way I am, probably because of what's happened and having to deal with it. Hope you're well and hope I can talk to you soon!
from vintagepearl :
ANTHONY RAPP!! That is so spectacular. I would love to meet him. But that might not be safe, because I would jump up and down and like, start crying. That's awesome. He gives off a nice-guy persona, so that's good. Alright, mail checking time it is!
from vintagepearl :
:( The attachment/text didn't show up. Sigh. I'm quite determined to read it. YOU MET ANTHONY RAPP!! AAAAAHHH! That makes me jump with glee, I know someone who knows ANTHONY RAPP! How! He's amazing! I just watched "Rent" *again* because I love it so much and Anthony Rapp just makes me happy! Oooohhh! Aaaah!
from vintagepearl :
I don't think the email worked :( I sifted through my inbox, junk mail, and then even my trash can, but still nothing. Grr.
from vintagepearl :
Haha yes. And it seems coffee and coffee products are greatly appreciated when used sparingly. I drink about one-three cups a day, which is great compared to what some people I know drink. Unfortunately the total increases when I have lots of homework to complete. Thanks! I'll be sure to read it soon. I love theater. I watched "Rent" again last night and tried hard not to cry, haha. It's so amazing, and Jonathan Larson (the writer) has become one of my heroes. Cheerio!
from opalanne :
Hi! I did send you the key, maybe it went to your junk folder? I will try to send it again. I've been reading!
from vintagepearl :
Long time, no talk! How's the script deal working out? Yes, caffeine jolts seem to make the world a better place. At least for me. Like after that first sip there's a ray of golden sunshine beaming in front of me. My own little ray. I started drinking coffee when I was fourteen, then I quit (haha), then at fifteen started again, and I just turned sixteen and my addiction has an overall steady pattern. So that's good. If you're going to have an addiction you might as well have a stable one. Unfortunately my parents do treat me not up to socially acceptable standards, but I can deal with it. I know that it could be worse. There are many in worse positions than I am, and many of them are successful, so I have no reason to sit back and complain. Even though some days suck and I'd prefer nicer parents, I still enjoy living day to day. There's much beauty in life to experience. Thanks :) I appreciate your concern and prayers.
from vintagepearl :
Hahaha, yes, I know the Isocsoles Triangle. And that functioning early in the morning (especially without coffee :O) is highly difficult. This morning I was so tired my roommate had to wake me up because I slept through the alarm. I jumped and went "Mm. Thanks." and couldn't form a sentence until after I took a shower and poured a cup of coffee. That's unhealthy I reckon. :)
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) Odysseus. I always say Ulysseus, which makes no sense. At least I'm doing alright so far memorizing my lines. That's important.
from vintagepearl :
Haha, but I'm sure weird pompous rants good be somewhat enjoyable *listening* to the music. I'm positive on that one. :D
from vintagepearl :
Eh, don't even worry about it, haha. Ooh congratulations! Well if you're blogging elsewhere on the Internet I'll just have to track you down. Or not and I'll just listen to your music. Whatever you prefer. Have lots o' fun!
from studionique :
Hey, just wanted to apologize for not getting back to you sooner about your script, I have been wrapped up in so many things and plus don't have a printer so I can print out your script, not that that is any excuse. Thanks for wanting my input and again I am sorry.
from vintagepearl :
Haha yeah I guess it doesn't. It's happened a few times before the vacation but I know kids elsewhere have it much worse, I can deal with it. Thanks :) Yess new tunes! Unfortunately I can't listen to them here at this camp thing, but when I get back to the house I'm definitely listening to them, it should be this weekend. So how've ya been?
from vintagepearl :
Haha, yes, I just rambled and I'm typing so fast because I'm realllly happy to be back! Looking foward to reading, because I've missed Diaryland so much! And the rest of the Internet! And world!
from littlesprite :
I'm glad you agree. City living is so stressful. Too stressful. And I dont even think it's that important, it's just everyone else does..and so it ends up being the way that I go because it's easy to follow the crowd. And also, a future job in the city would have to be the only way to go.
from iwantobeliev :
I just clicked on your banner because it was so interesting, and then I realized yr already on my faves list. :) Thanks so much for your note, by the way!
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) I do like that part of school, having another home it seems and most of my teachers have always been there. You grow closer to your friends too. Overall, I like school, just get fed up sometimes with the projects which take so much time, because I'd rather be reading or writing, or being with my friends. Anyways. Won't be able to note you for awhile, going to camp with the family. Take care!
from vintagepearl :
I look foward to more! Haha - yeah, at times things are so stereotypical though, and I'm left with this awkward look on my face, because apparently I'm the only one who notices the drama. But I imagine the "real world" adults speak of, with taxes and such, is just as annoying. Looking foward to the road ahead!
from vintagepearl :
Listened to some of the music from the link on your site, I enjoyed it.
from dulligirl :
I hear ya. When I was shopping and realized how much I had spent, I gulped. I've got about 11 days till my next paycheck so it's definitely buckle down time.
from yarnsmith :
Here's to boring days and long emails..sometimes we need the downtime. Talk to you later. P
from yarnsmith :
Just dropping you a note to let you know I am reading. In the case I spoke to you about earlier regarding my sister...she just had to not contact us for a little while and us let her just be...then we were all ready to just put it all back together again. Sometimes going back and forth with siblings trying to figure out where we all fit with each other after a parents death can be trying and tiring and it just needs time.
from morticon :
Yeah, I'm at cantslayme@yahoo.com
from morticon :
Sure, what's up :)
from morticon :
I'm sorry you're going through some down time, I hope you feel better soon :)
from studionique :
sorry for the delay. I haven't checked my notes in awhile but my email is studionique@gmail.com. I wish u were not leaving dland but you gotta do what ya gotta do. Remember with obedience comes understanding. Take care.
from minstrelite :
I'm closing down now, ppl. I don't have room for all the components of DiaryLand right now with all that's going on in my life. I might be back in a while, but if I do, it'll be after this studio stuff is over, so probably toward Summer. Anyway, take care--y'all are in my prayers. Peace.
from tarkis :
the most interesting people are the ones whose lives are all turned upside down.... even if for us.. it is not so much fun at the time.
from enfinenfin :
Happy belated birthday! i hope this year surprises you with all sorts of joy. Thanks for your kind words. You're a Daymaker.
from studionique :
Hey, I didn't go on the net at all yesterday, too much school design work. I would like to read your script though, I love theatre.
from studionique :
I am glad you like 36 for stress, that is a good idea to hang it up!
from studionique :
hey! that is funny that you left me a note before you knew it was me. Case in point, I am so indecisive, I keep moving around. Truth is I really don't want to do my design work, so I keep getting ideas on how to do my blog, I want readers but I just want creative freedom without people I know knowing what is going on in my mind, so I guess it is a give and take that is until I finally do banners!
from anainsight :
Wow, that is so awesome! I thought I was the only one that the Baptist church had totally warped. I'm warped enough because of all the psych. meds I take; all that thinking about sin and going to hell was warping me even further. anyway. Keep writing, I think I'll enjoy your new entries more than ever before!
from anainsight :
Hi, didn't you use to have a lot of entries? These few entries seem so different than your older ones. You used to talk about religion all the time. Have you given up on religion? I kind of feel like that sometimes. Being a musician, I love your screen name. anyway. Keep on writing. peace!
from childofgaea :
hey andy. I just transferred servers. I read you're in love! happiness! I'm so glad to hear that. I, on the other hand have just lost him, the guy I used to tell you about...hence, my prompting to transfer servers, among others. Hope you drop by: http://www.shing.tk
from brdwaybebe :
Good to hear from you and that things are going well! I hope to be in better touch in the future! Things are lovely here in PA. Working on a Passion Play that we are performing it in 3 weeks - GULP! I'm excited though and I know God will use it mightily which is what it's all about! Take care! God bless, Christy
from brdwaybebe :
Hi Andy! Just checking in and saying Hello! God bless! Christy
from yarnsmith :
Good luck with your new friend Andy and congratulations on figuring out that you indeed do have something to offer.
from aeka :
Thanks. I must say, this semester is so much better than last. I really do plan on putting a lot of effort into it--we'll see what happens.
from ariza :
Aw....
from coexistapart :
I just clicked through on your banner. This is really ironic because I was trying to check out all my old reads a few weeks ago but I couldn't remember how you spelled your name. Two years ago I used to write at my old site used to write at my old site hrdly....
from yarnsmith :
Sometimes I wonder if these teachers with godlike status have any inkling what so ever that they are being cruel? Whatever, I now realize that at almost 50 years old I need to get past this man I haven't seen since I was 17. I think I will delete the posting....now that I think about it, it is pretty immature for me to post such vile with his name in it in order to get people to click into it. I should either face him or forgive him and leave it to God. Thanks for you counseling.
from ariza :
I dunno, you seem pretty interesting. Maybe we can become 'net buddies. Write back asap, or not...
from aeka :
I just think that medication is the easiest way...and it's only anxiety medication. I doubt there would be any weird side effects.
from fightn4life :
Awesome entry, thanks for sharing. It is nice to have one day off this week so I can catch up reading entries. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so glad to see you back at Diary Land. I will e-mail soon and I want to link you back to my Diary soon as I have some time. I have so much to catch up in your Diary, can't wait. Please stop deleting it. :) Sandyz
from cammella :
I think your diary is trying to tell us something.
from dklwm :
Just a visitor. Interesting analysis and stuff you have...
from aeka :
wow! this one's even better a layout than the previous one...because now it links to your notes.
from dinahsoar :
The picture you painted of a walking prayer was beautiful. Thank you for including me. I love Psalm 34, assuring us that God draws near to the brokenhearted. There is also a scripture (but I don't remember where it is) that speaks of the things that can be shaken being shaken and the things that remain are of permanence in the kingdom. Something like that. I feel that's what He's doing. Shaking the foundation of my life (and it sounds like, yours too). Thank you again for holding me in prayer. Cassandra
from dinahsoar :
You are in my prayers. Thank you.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much for your note. I just read your entry today & am sitting here crying. I am once again living with my mom, since my dad died in 2003. It's so difficult. I get so stressed & sometimes feel more like a 'Life Alert' button than a person - here in case I'm needed, but otherwise kind of just here. She's deaf & we have always kind of spoken a different language anyway, so communication is a struggle & very draining. You reminded me of what it will be like when she is gone. How I will miss even the things I find annoying right now. Thank you for that.
from morticon :
Good goth, dope-slave, yelpy are we? Doing that kind of stuff on Kett Turton Fan got me in deep trouble, take a hint, and a good idea is to take it up camly before you flare. Good Day.
from littlesprite :
That's great. I could quote something cheesy about good friends, but then I think you already know it all :)
from dinahsoar :
I respect your wanting to be celibate and your desire to please God and your recognition that physical intimacy out of context doesn't solve anything. (I found your diary because I read Lookin4Liz & saw your note).
from bluemeany :
I saw your banner and it succeeded in drawing me in ... then your entry made me depressed. But since I can't resist a good, sad read, I'll undoubtedly be back. Your writing is great.
from littlesprite :
I'm sad to hear that but I send you smiles
from littlesprite :
How are you?
from vertfeerique :
I was reading about your ego trip vs. happiness pondering, and i think perhaps it has to do with humility. It's okay- and healthy- to feel good when you've done a good job. It becomes an ego trip when you start thinking you didn't have to work hard to get there and that no one else can be quite as good as you. And yes, being disciplined and responsible for your success is important as well. Thanks for the good read, by the way. It was refreshing to read something so sensible.
from godmoney :
ur back! yesssssss!
from littlesprite :
I'm glad. I hope you feel better soon, or at least get some comfort :)
from jendra :
Thanks for your message. Hearing from someone who *knows* what it's like is always like a salve on the wound isn't it?
from minstrelite :
Welcome back.
from fightn4life :
Hi, I just returned from a 3 thousand mile adveture. I was hoping to catch up on your entries. :( I am so sorry you are having trouble with this service. I hope you can fix this. :) I missed you. Sandyz
from orgami :
hmm I just read my earlier crazy note to you soo its been awhile well I am at a freinds house writing Lori is in North bay will go home to her eventually having my work time here with them its okay So you have a musical eh? you must be creative I draw and write poems sometimes Its on my diaryland free thing I am far too poor to own a computer so I just write all that stuff from the hour long free library time with all the other library people like democrazy anyway Hello and now Im off again scanning the band hope your day went well despite this cold weather here in North America I am enjoying myselkf
from jzyjsmalls :
I've submitted a couple of help requests in the past month since I've been updating again and have heard nothing from Diaryland in response. It's not just you--something's been up with them since their server troubles in late March.
from littlesprite :
Can I just ask you one question referring back to homelessness? I've been volunteering at a homeless shelter for more than a year now and I still haven't worked out exactly what is the thing most needed for the guys who come in. Is it an ear to listen? Or a smile? I don't want to be patronising, I don't have any idea how it feels. I worked on Christmas day and played chess with a guy, I'd like to report he thrashed me :D but I still don't feel like I'm doing it right.
from sunnyrain828 :
LOL! I like you; you are just like my mother. Except my mom had REAL reason to be freaked out when I drove, because I do not like driving! It terrifies me--and fear certainly doesn't do anything for the mental computations necessary for driving! :D -Stephanie
from yarnsmith :
I always get sick to my stomach when I ride with my daughter. I think it is all the fast start offs and quick stops. The herky jerky.
from yarnsmith :
Sounds like your life and your projects are all starting to come together. There has been a tremendous change (for the good) in your writing. You sound so stable these days and content.
from yarnsmith :
That software looks really powerful. Nothing like good software to aid a project. The lonliness you speak of at the end of your posting has me concerned about my husband...the thought of him being so lonely as he has no one in his life but me, may be the only reason I stay with him....however, I sometimes wonder if my leaving may force him to finally get a life.
from godmoney :
I got accepted into uf, duke, and Princeton.
from fightn4life :
I feel the peace you feel through your words. I too have been looking at life and wondering what I am doing being obsessive about work. I have a near phobia about missing even a night's work. I have had perfect attendance wherever I worked, even when I felt the need to regroup. I am exploring my thoughts about what am I really wanting or better yet what is it the Lord wants me to do with the precious life he gave me. We have had two family deaths within the last three days, and my sister had a near fatal fall a few days ago. I am again seeing how fragile our lives here are. We can take nothing we have hoarded in this life to the next. How sad I have often thought about this but "didn't get it" You are an amazing person. I love reading your Diary. Sandyz
from spikeswife :
Things are not always Black & White, Right or Wrong...
from synthecrux :
Nice template the one you got, just as nice as the written content it has. A peaceful sensation is what i got after reading one of your entries. I must thank you for that, even when your entries might not be written to tame hearts...thank you for writing.
from fightn4life :
How odd?? We both wrote about the Lord in our blogs tonight. Loved yours,so much passion. Sandyz
from silverluna :
Yay! You have a banner now! I randomly clicked on a banner, not even knowing that your diary was going to appear. That is so awesome! ~Sara
from hardcorefan- :
I can't believe that we have said the same thing almost 30 years apart. Isn't that weird? Andy, I had such a good day...and I love myself. I finally love myself. I now feel like I can love others deeper than before because I love myself. Is that weird?
from yarnsmith :
My AA meeting is a small, close knit meeting that rarely gets more than 12 people, usually about 6 regulars and a few visitors and people who come sporadically. The 6 regulars have become my good freinds and know me better than anyone else does. It is the one place on Earth, I feel I belong. I choose to wear the world as a loose garment. I am a loner who although capable of enjoying other people's company, is more comfortable alone. This one AA group I go to is the one place where I really connect with others on an emotional and spiritual level...they are the only people I feel comfortable physically embracing.
from luciangrey :
Might I be so bold as if to inquire your name? If not, please do not feel obligated to answer that. Mine is sincerely: Lucian. The weather... * muses for a moment * Mm. The spring this year is exceptional, I assure you. Violent turmoil. Grey, dour rain- slanted and soft drizzle at most hours contradicted by random bursts of heatless sun. The cherry blossoms are in rare form this year as well. They are blowing off of their trees in a very romantic fashion- so dense are they that they give the apperance of snow in April. It's a marvel Sir and I am not much fond of the spring. I'm an autumn boi. I am sorry for the lack of feeling you endured. There is so much to life and the relative in which to feel, even the negatives are an incredible experience worth the endurance. I'd hate to go numb (not to say I have not)... endurance is gained by enduring. Romans 15:13.
from fightn4life :
I was a bit confused by your last entry. Sounds some one has attacked your religious beliefs. I for one could care less what others think about my unshakable faith. Let them laugh; shy away from me, what ever makes others comfortable. I only answer to one God and he is my guiding light. I can survive in a world with out those that cannot accept me for what I believe regardless of their religious preference. What I cannot survive with out is the light of the Lord. I cannot walk in complete darkness. I hope what ever has happened is not letting you fall away. Sandyz
from luciangrey :
Perhaps labeling me as intelligent goes too far, * bows his head, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips * But I do appreciate the sentiment. Should you ever need a sounding board or are in need of general conversation, I am most certainly at your disposal.
from fightn4life :
Half hour huh? I must have been in the middle of a game and lost track of time. :) Sandyz
from luciangrey :
Forgive the passage of the uninvited. I happened onto your entry at random - first banner I've bothered to click in quite some time. I leafed through your entries, when perhaps I might have exercised modesty? (Forgive me for that as well, yes?) It was your entry about psychotrophics that caused me to write this note to you. I've been talking to a great many people about similar instance, the debilitating effects of the aforementioned. It takes a great deal of bravery and self-preservation to realize life is attainable without. I commend the effort you’ve exuded to do what is entirely best for you. I hope to make the similar choices. –The best to you.
from jbeckham7 :
Hi! Thanks for dropping a note! I use finale too! I love how scores are generated so beautifully and neat! :P
from fightn4life :
So glad to see you back. I have had a bug too. Good thing my computer didn't catch it. Been down that road. Welcome back. :) Sandyz
from wordsofmine :
Just goes to show how people who use think everyone else does. I'm glad you got through the experience okay.
from wordsofmine :
Glad you made it through the cookies. I remember once of someone making coffee with some drug in it. Coffee does weird things to me anyway and then add the drug. Hoo hoo! It wasn't a fun day that's for sure.
from almostnormal :
Thanks so much for the note! I was rambling horribly when I wrote that, and I am glad you didn't assume I was "bashing" the woman. I am sure she's on the path she needs to be on, and I totally respect her...maybe I should write a book and then I'd stop complaining about published authors that *aren't* me talking about things I think are best left for phone conversations, late night diners, and sunday morning bible studies. I'm probably just being prideful. Wow - what's it like living in a town that's mostly "born again" ??? I would love to live in a town like that to know what it's like when that's just *normal* instead of someone being the odd man out and feeling the need to be God's recruiter. You're so right though, I didn't think about the excitement of finding something new and wanting to share it because of the excitement. Thanks for a great alternative point of view...I can be closed minded sometimes, and there's nothing like a fresh pair of eyes on your mind to show you a different perspective! P.S. Love the music for the musical. (I'm nosey, not a stalker...just an fyi...)
from orgami :
and two were one created by God a helper an equal to co exist one in conjunction with god the traid holy and pure .. I like that pop-up I like that wisdom for so long before I was on medication to help me get grounded from past to live here in the NOW I was out there in the desert of my mind of my heart not accepting anyone Now I have a helper an equal in Lori and she and I are one believers in this world so full of wonderous things and woe at moments lost and perfect like a shadow framing something poignant and soothing subtle and charmed remaining forever locked in my heart endearment and totality of Then There Now sorry to hear that you are struggling and had bad days But not all are bad we sometimes are lost but not forever single for some months days years but not for eternity I found my one my only my equal so blessed was that day and not every day was good but there is development and I am grounded in my need of other help other then the word of God at this point Your site is calming like tranquil waters deep and reflecting dark and deep shiver......
from penutgallry :
I was referred to you from darkbeans.diaryland.com . I UNDERSTAND. Looks like we have a lot in common. Stop by sometime. :)
from godmoney :
great entry/ we need 2 catch up
from hardcorefan- :
Andy, oh mylanta, I can't believe that that happened. That's absolutely insane. Anyways, I'll try calling you sometime in the next few days. Later.
from digitalroses :
wow, another Christian. *shocked and glad*
from blankwave :
The songs sound good as far as traditional musical fare. Keep up the good work. My father is a guitar player and he left a possible record deal in the 70's to finish school and marry my mom, all on account of a vision he'd had from God. He wrote many songs thereafter for church services etc. While I'm an agnostic, I am always intrigued by this music. Such devotion is always inspiring, no matter the facet that the singer gets it from .
from poolagirl :
I was intrigued by your banner and clicked onto your site. I work for a psychiatrist, and it is so refreshing to read how well you are doing without those drugs. I personally think they are over-prescribed and dangerous. Blessings to you on your journey.
from blankwave :
i was on klonopin for almost a year. i stopped because the memory loss was ruining my life. i lost the girl of my dreams because of the memory problems plus it made me sleep walk and to others it'd seem like i was awake. the next day i wouldn't remember a thing. so i got off of it, talked to the girl for a couple of months about things, rebuilt it all, and now we're happily together again! so i know how nice it is to get off the meds.
from poorpisces :
While I appreciate the warnings I am starting to become irritated by then. Though it's my own fault as I have merely mentioned the drugs that I take in passing and not given a full discertation in the hopes of making people realize what they are used for in my life. I take a certain amount of chemicals in a certain order and quantity within a carefully meansured bit of time in order to experience particular hallucinations. They are deeply spiritual to me, and yes as I have detailed, sometimes painful because they reveal things I'd rather not see. However, that is likely no different than your own personal soul seraching and the methods that -you- employ. Telling me, in my opinion, to stop taking acid would be like telling a Rastafarian to stop smoking pot. Or telling a Catholic to stop taking wine at communion. Sure, there are risks to what I do, there are risks to anything. But the Virgo and I have discussed it at length and we both agree that what we are going for, what we get from this, is well worth the potential of death or the rubber room. So again, thank you for your concern. You are missing the point, but I can't fault you. I have made my point unclear.
from godmoney :
soon, i hope :)
from godmoney :
my sister or mother perhaps. we have windows xp so we sometimes sign on each other's accounts... and i don't think either would kno how to sign out. my sister prolly wouldn't respond. sorry! we have to catch up.
from godmoney :
i haven't been on windows in a loooong time
from yarnsmith :
Hi Andy....just wanted to let you know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or stopped reading you. I have been working 11 and 12 hour days and have to sit down now and then and catch up with certain people on my fave list. Sorry to hear of your relationship loss but delighted to know that the Burden Project is going well. Paula
from littlesprite :
Thanks. Yes I'll try, I know it is horrible to feel alone. Sometimes God is the only person you can talk to, when everything feels like it is tumbling out of control and nobody on the earth understands. Thank you for your patient advice minstrelite :)
from littlesprite :
Well I talked to one of my close friends today and she said it wasn't that she didn't want to believe in a God so much as she couldn't. She couldn't see how I could believe in something when there is no proof that it exists. She doesn't feel like she gets answers from any God, whatever religion and she finds it unbelievable that as a scientist I can believe in a God. Perhaps people are just deaf to what they ask for because they are reluctant to let themselves believe or maybe we are wrong. Belief after all is a state of mind. But then isn't everything? Thanks for your notes.
from poorpisces :
knelson1745@hotmail.com
from godmoney :
i feel like i got in2 my 1st choice even tho duke isn't my first choice. but money is a huge issue. we're 2 rich 4 financial aid and 2 poor 2 go w/out. uf's free and duke's $42,000 X 4.
from littlesprite :
I tend to find that a lot of people feel that perhaps religion is beneath them. As if it is a cult or something to be scared of when really it can give you so much hope and comfort depending on how and what you do with it. Or at least that's what I think. I sometimes feel like I make no sense at all, I'm just trying to understand the world around me. Thank you for reading :)
from poorpisces :
Thank you for understanding. :-)
from poorpisces :
:-) I would let you read the others however I am really obsessively compartmentalized.
from littlesprite :
The book sounds good to me (read the short synopsis) Keep it up :)
from wordsofmine :
Yea for people who pay their bills.
from poorpisces :
Well, I do focus on other stuff. Just not in that diary. I have 4 more, you know. ;-) That diary is specifically for that relationship and that relationship alone. Odd, how I do that, but it helps me deal with one person directly so much more efficiently.
from poorpisces :
It's all pretty much the same. "This is what I'm thinking. This is what he said. This is what we did this weekend." Easy to summarize. :-)
from poorpisces :
Me and Myself are getting along a lot better than we used to. I'm not all the way there yet, obviously, but it's a lot better than it used to be. I appreciate the thought, though :-) I'm merely worried about what the effects of encouraging these feelings will be. And by acknowledgeing them and writing about them, I feel that I am encouraging them. I don't know how this will turn out, but I have a sneaking suspision that it won't be good.
from devil-bitch :
Thanks for the Happy Birthday. I was being harsh and in the middle of a break-up when I wrote that note. I use my diary as my emotional and mental trashcan. Our break-up was mutual and necessary to our personal growth. He was never mean-sprited, only honest. We still love each other very much. It's just the only way our relationship and ourselves have a chance to grow. I've already learned a whole world of shit in just a day. I thank him for that. My stomach does hurt though but I can't move forward until I move through this. Results still pending. Duration/permanancy of break-up also still pending.
from wordsofmine :
Hi there! Good answers on your part. I'm enjoying the "Chronicles" very much. My family is spread all over the country and I stay in touch through e-mail, snail mail and phone. It doesn't take the place of face-to-face but it's better than nothing.
from poorpisces :
Yes, but it's EVER so much fun.
from wordsofmine :
When I married for the second time, in church, I was very surprised and irritated that when my marriage ended, not one person or the father, called to ask where I had been, how I felt or was there anything they could do. At that point I became very angry with God and gave up on him for a long period of time. So, I can relate to your sharing.
from godmoney :
in that case i have no choice but 2 take ur word 4 it. do u still go on windows?
from blankwave :
Ha! I'm glad you've decided rock music is okay.
from hardcorefan- :
Poor Andy. I love you!!!
from misspinkkate :
thanks for the nice note! :-D
from godmoney :
i deeply believe u feel a void of female companionship and right now you're sulking disguised as rationalizing. ur just waiting (weather u kno it or not) for the perfect girl who'll inspire and stun you.
from poorpisces :
Thank you, that's very high praise indeed! Virgos and Pisces are all over the place these days it seems. :-) I don't know how much my pitiful bemoaning my inability to convince my best friend that I'm the one for him is of interest, but please stop by as often as you like.
from godmoney :
don't go "henry david thoreau" on me. i'm sorry things didn't work out but i KNO u didn't mean that statement.
from godmoney :
i just got ur note. how're things going w/that girl?
from devil-bitch :
That's good to know. But for now I don't have means to get AIM back on my work comp because of past mistakes I made using the program. Take care.
from devil-bitch :
Good for you. You seem to be doing better without them. I make that statement from my understanding of the bits and pieces I've read from your journal.
from fightn4life :
I was absolutely fascinated by your entry about making the lack of money the depth of goodness. Awesome outlook on life, thanks for the inspiration. I am enjoying your writings. Sandyz
from hardcorefan- :
I want to be in your play!!!!!!!!!!!
from hardcorefan- :
I'm glad that you took the time to read my diary...I love precepts very very much! So, hurrah!
from wordsofmine :
I read your entry on walking and you are so right. I usually say the Serenity prayer or chant and really pay attention to feeling all of my foot (except for my very high arch) touching the pavement. Also being aware of finishing one step before taking the next. Talk about bringing you into the moment. I also like your sharing about financial stuff. It's a good reminder to me to turn the stuff over and live.
from studionique :
Yes, it makes for better reading with the picture. I am glad you fixed it. You bring great salt to this d-land.
from wordsofmine :
Hey there Andy. Thanks for stopping by and for the good wishes. Yes, walking meditation is a delight and definitely keeps you mindful. I will have to go back in your archive and read what you have experienced with this type of meditation. Thanks for the heads up.
from devil-bitch :
Somebody needs to rewrite that quiz because it was all wrong.
from iamblessed :
Hey Andy! I got that email from you, and I meant to sign up for the newsletter the next time I was on your diary. Unfortunately, my mother took the internet out of my house that day, and she hasn't put it back yet. So I'm hoping to get to that as soon as possible! Thanks! --Courtney
from fightn4life :
I loved your post "Double-Minded No More." Very deep. Each time I read it I feel something with more depth. (Your banner is Beautiful) That is what brought me here again. I love to read your words/thoughts. Sandyz
from graagh :
Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. Kierkegaard is interesting... although he seems to be a bit of an apologist for the old-school view of a small-minded creator (who only populates one ball of rock in the whole cosmos, and leaves his creatures to guess which faith is the proper one, for instance). Merleau-Ponty - sorry abou this - I just can't get into. The quotes I have read seem so high-faluting. Still, good luck in your search and I hope you arrive at something satistactory.
from graagh :
"Companions, the creator seeks, not corpses, not herds and believers. Fellow creators, the creator seeks - those who write new values on new tablets. Companions, the creator seeks, and fellow harvesters; for everything about him is ripe for the harvest." [Nietzsche] Get it?
from crateobscure :
A dear friend of me used to worship at the Salvation Army. She is in town this week for the first time in months and she wants me to go there with her.
from fightn4life :
A musician? I love it. Your dairy is intriguing. I enjoyed your post concerning life in the country verses city life. I have lived in both, but adore the mountainous country that I now reside in. Being able to take my Yoga mat out and practice while looking over the bluffs brings a sense of awe to life. Also while typing with an overview of Gods creation I am inspired to write. Conrad's on your nine months of freedom from psychiatric drugs. Lord knows the struggle fighting addiction in any form. I will fight nicotine addiction for life. As they say…very day it gets so much better. Be sure you do something wonderful for yourself today. Your life is so worth it. Sandyz
from red40 :
Hi, I found your diary and it's interesting. I like it. ^_^ I really enjoyed the "giving up financial anxiety" entry. *here here*
from blankwave :
thanks!
from studionique :
I totally know what you mean about the deletion thing, I've actually done that on the diary I use to have studiofreek. I know what you mean about not wanting to be viewed as that person you once were, it's like were snakes shedding our skin and we just want to get rid of it. It actually took me awhile to figure out just what am I doing on diaryland. I'm serious I had to write a mission statement so that I didn't feel that I was just wasting time being self-indulgent.Funny , huh?
from fan4 :
It's nice to see you back at Diaryland.
from superlashes :
wow, your diary is rare. that's all I can say. I feel so comforted when I read your diary. I look at all the adults around me...falling apart....you seem content and you have a unique sense of self. it motivates me. also, your recent entry reminded me of the philisophical delay of the problem of evil? are you familiar? probably, so does evil really exist?
from crateobscure :
What about the case where someone commits an indiscretion and they know it's wrong?
from wordsofmine :
You're most welcome. Let me know how the classes go.
from wordsofmine :
Oh I love doing the plough and I'm working on the tree pose and the reclining hero pose. Classes around here tend to be about $15 a class or if you purchase a bunch at a time the price drops and you get a few more tacked on. Good luck in your search and to doing yoga at home. I find doing what I can at home helps me in class.
from wordsofmine :
Hi there! Thanks for stopping by. As for yoga, I am taking only one class a week right now and man, what a difference it makes in my overall feeling during the week. I highly recommend a class if you have the time and money to do it.
from trinityboy :
Perhaps the meditative quality of walking is what inspired the use of labyrinths in Christian and other traditions. I walked an outdoor labyrinth at a downtown church here in TO and even in the midst of the busy city it was a profoundly prayerful and calming experience.
from loner-blues :
A fellow chronic, serial archive deleter. I love it. -cat
from cindreviews :
Cinderella Reviews is a brand new review site. So if you would like a review please come and check us out at http://cindreviews.diaryland.com/ . We hope to be hearing from you soon. Thank You!
from yarnsmith :
Hi..Good to see you are in good spirits. My self image is also that of an outcast and I am always surprised when people treat me like I am a normal person who's opinion is to be valued. At this new job everyone treats me like what I have to say and what I have to do are of great value. Then again..I am going out of my way to watch my behavior and not do anything off the wall.
from studionique :
enjoyed reading your diary although It would be nice to see the pictures on the template too. I don't know I guess I am just a visual kind of girl.
from silverluna :
so you're back to this diary? I will keep both of your diaries on my buddy list, just in case...

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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