messages to musikoid:
(click here to add new message):

from i-am-jack :
Sorry I didn't specify what entry, but I tried it again and this time it worked. I like it.
from i-am-jack :
I tried to click on the link but I got an error page from Box. "Rock horns" made me think of growing up in the 80's when the saxophone and horns were really a big thing.
from musikoid :
zap
from swordfern :
Yeah, you're right about her comment triggering feelings of shame and anger. I grew up with a critical father, so I immediately assumed that the woman's comment was criticism. Laughing was the only way to deal with it in the exposed and very public environment. The comment felt like a microaggression around how a woman *should* look. Thanks for reaching out. I wrote about it because it was a funny story, but it also cut deeply so I appreciate your intuition around my hurt.
from fragilegirl8 :
I agree. I don't see how people jump for one relationship to another but I see it all the time. I admit I did that 20 years ago.
from jimbostaxi :
She's one of the main reasons I'm still on this earth. That kid has a big heart and I hope the world doesn't ruin her. Thanks for the note! :)
from swordfern :
Hello Lovely!
from fragilegirl8 :
I agree with your note.
from i-am-jack :
I am too familiar with the feeling of craving coffee when I can not sleep. For some people, just the right amount of caffeine can help you fall asleep. I also think sometimes your body wants to feel awake if it can not sleep. Sometimes I get that overtired feeling where the elevator is stuck and either I need something to wake up or fall asleep, not this in between static feeling.
from i-am-jack :
The trucks never came back today, at least not here.
from i-am-jack :
If they come back I might look into it.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah I am worried it might be a long job and they will be back every day for weeks. It was just weird. Sometimes my landlord knows what is going on, but he didn't this time. The trucks were generic and not marked for the phone or cable company.
from chakra-nadi :
hah, no I live in Iowa now. South from Minnesota, I guess.
from chakra-nadi :
The song you posted was very unique. Definitely put pictures in my head. Very cool.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks. Moved here from Denver, which was a total craphole but at least I could smoke up. I don't know anyone here to get it from and it pretty much sucks, but as they say, it's probably for the best. I guess.
from fragilegirl8 :
I hope and pray for the best for your daughter. My sister has led a similar lifestyle. She is currently in rehab.
from jimbostaxi :
Well, my mind would tend to agree with you but my dick thinks we are both wrong Lol. I'm just kidding. fate? Destiny? I don't know,, crazier things have happened to me Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Thank you for the kind words. Yeah, the whole experience was very unexpected but who knows maybe will cry over beers and talk about our lost loves. They say misery loves company right? Lol.
from chakra-nadi :
Someone wouldn't expect someone in a wheelchair to be able to get up and go up a flight of stairs but people with mental illnesses are expected to have the same abilities as a "normal" person. A shrink should know better than to put someone with anxiety in this sort of situation I've had to deal with. It shows genuine lack of care.
from chakra-nadi :
Thanks, and thanks for the heads up cuz it was in my spam folder for some reason.
from i-am-jack :
I think it's a good sign that your brain is working on your music in your sleep.
from chakra-nadi :
Are you accepting applications for new friends? May I have the pass to your journal? [email protected]
from jimbostaxi :
Like a million people live here. So there are times when I get surprised that I have house guests. My stepkid married this girl and then got basically conned into taking in her whole fucking family. Jail or a psych ward is quieter than my house and probably has fewer people.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better.
from i-am-jack :
No worries. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
I would miss you if you left, but I also understand. Everyone has a different experience with the site, but to me it is like catharsis and therapy. A support group. You do say things in the the setting of group that you probably would not say to random people or even people that you are close to. You get to get it out and off your chest in a safe place and go out into the world feeling a little lighter and better.
from i-am-jack :
To your "How Dead the Horse" entry, I think you are not sure whether to hold onto hope or let it go. Also you are still replaying everything and processing and analyzing it. But it sounds like you already know how you really feel deep down inside. Quiet your ego mind and ask what your True Freedom really wants. Do you feel drawn back or do you feel drawn away?
from jimbostaxi :
Get some rest and as always you have my number so I'm just a text away. :)
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas!
from jimbostaxi :
Merry Christmas! Stay safe.
from fragilegirl8 :
I hope you have a Merry Christmas.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I wanted to let go of the hate so that helped me. I hope you're feeling better from the other day. Thanks for the note :)
from i-am-jack :
It makes me happy hearing you heard from her and the phone was just in the creek the whole time.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the notes! Yeah, I felt a tinge sad so instead of holding it in, I let a bit out for an entry.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, I'm trying :)
from i-am-jack :
Happy Thanksgiving!
from jimbostaxi :
Happy Gobble gobble day! Stay safe!
from fragilegirl8 :
Just want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving.
from whystinger :
I used to really like Benadryl but now am not a fan. Benadryl used to turn my exwife into a live troll until it wore off and that could take a day or so. I have taken it a time or two to help sleep but do not like how I am groggy the next day. Just think, at one time I had to live on Benedryl during allergy season and never experienced those issues. Dimetapp would turn me into a troll.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks. I am going to try to go soon.
from musikoid :
Test
from i-am-jack :
It's good that you are getting out of the house and enjoying the nice days. But if the couch is a problem, maybe try moving it to another spot to break up the association or even put pillows or something on it you would have to move first. Setting up mini obstacles can make us too lazy to do the habit we want to break, if we have to get to it first. It also kills the impulse and makes you think more and make a conscious decision.
from musikoid :
zap
from i-am-jack :
I know exactly what you mean about certain spots and associations.
from i-am-jack :
" I'm so strapped you'd think I was living in a straitjacket." I love that.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me feel a little better. I often answer "How are you" with what I am doing or with a witty comment like I am peachy or I am still breathing, how are you? I used to be bad at accepting compliments, but now I can say thank you and genuinely feel their kindness, even if I don't agree. I go into it deeper in the entry, it's a thing that developed over time. And I feel like it doesn't apply here, because we all read each other all the time and are real.
from i-am-jack :
I feel bad about how I feel about people asking me how I am doing. It's an innocent question but such a complicated social dance.
from i-am-jack :
It was about going to the show tomorrow.
from i-am-jack :
Good luck!
from i-am-jack :
To me it sounds like burn out. You reached that place of literally not being able to go anymore. You were doing a lot of work for a toxic person (regardless of his likeable traits, he is toxic) for little in return and even losing money on it. Few people would have kept it up as long as you did. It was not a fair situation from the start.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks. I rarely log on here on weekends. I am mostly on here just during the week during work hours. I hope you're doing well also.
from jimbostaxi :
Gotcha on the password and ty for the note. We had dinner at Red Lobster and had a little party for her. She mentioned more Barbie dolls would be fine so I will probably do that.
from fragilegirl8 :
I come here to escape too. It helps some to vent here.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on 4 years!
from fragilegirl8 :
I agree
from jimbostaxi :
That part of everyone's Dland profile is frozen and can't be updated.
from jimbostaxi :
Jeez, my profile picks were what like 20 years ago? I guess I still kind of like all that but I wish I could update it. I really should eat only salad when I'm out my doc says I need to lose weight. Lol, it was a pleasant meal with the family and I guess salad all the time is very boring. Lol. Hope all is well and thanks for the note.:)
from jimbostaxi :
It's freaking awful and some days I want to bang my head on my desk because of the working conditions. :(
from i-am-jack :
Thank you, it just came to me. ;^)
from fragilegirl8 :
Did you change your password?
from fragilegirl8 :
I was thinking the same thing with 9:11
from i-am-jack :
I hope you are able to navigate it. I read your latest entry and it was really beautiful.
from i-am-jack :
That kind of obsession with perceived absolute loyalty, bad talking others who "betrayed" them are the makings of a narcissist. My boss from WI was exactly like that. They make you feel like you are golden, when really you could be crap any time they decide. The way someone talks about other people speaks volumes about them. I am also wondering if there is "future faking" going on. The narcissist promises to make your dreams come true, but has no real intentions. That happened to me too.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad it went well. It must be a massive relief to have that out of the way and be able to move forward with what she really wants to do.
from i-am-jack :
I think you both are doing the right thing by doing nothing. He probably wants drama and if you give him nothing, eventually he will probably go away. It could either take a few times or he could get the point right away, depending how he is. You two are being the bigger people. Also I really hope it goes smoothly when the ex roomates come to take their stuff.
from i-am-jack :
That makes it just plain scary.
from i-am-jack :
I am a behind on answering your notes, but I am glad you are feeling better and had a nice evening. The thought of magical Karens is a little scary though.
from i-am-jack :
It seems more and more young people are getting into the van life to have their own place and their freedom. Rent right now is so ridiculous, even impossible to pay for a lot of people. So people are getting braver and more creative and it's catching on. But it almost seems hardwired into some of us to want to get away, whatever we way choose.
from i-am-jack :
Well if some of the people in Moscow don't like that you are giving your all in Pullman, they missed out. That's completely on them. They should have treated you better. I'm glad that you found a place that appreciates you.
from i-am-jack :
I read your new profile.
from i-am-jack :
Ironically I feel God's presence the least in churches, unless they are empty. But I can find it even more in nature. I found it in the morning glories growing in the backyard.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I saw the profile change. That space is to voice whatever you want and in my opinion, no one should comment on it. It took me 20 years to find something that made me happy.
from jimbostaxi :
Matt's words were right on the money👍
from fragilegirl8 :
Congrats on 4 years.
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, stand by for my thesis titled “The man, the myth, the legend”
from i-am-jack :
Depending on how long you were on them and how high the dose was, it can take years to heal sometimes. At least you got out before it had any long term memory loss (both short and long term). When I was in the hospital once, they were giving me Ativan every 3 or 4 hours all day and I began losing my short term memory. As soon as I got out, I stopped taking it like that and went back to normal. Anyway, I am glad you got off that stuff unscathed.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you got off the benzos and time healed your brain. I have heard some real horror stories when it comes to benzos.
from jimbostaxi :
Maybe there's some confusion. I read that and that's why I left my initial note. After you left your second note I went back and reread it and it all seemed the same. My fault I guess my note was too generic and added to the confusion.
from jimbostaxi :
I had to look it up but ok, yeah, that makes sense.
from jimbostaxi :
Aww, protector of the meek! You're a good man Charlie Brown!
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for relating. Did you do anything special to make it come back or did it just return on its own?
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, my friend ill always carry some weight on my shoulders from how things went down. Maybe a few bottles of wine and good food will ease the pain but I doubt it will ever erase it.
from i-am-jack :
They had me down as bipolar, but had things like paranoia, etc, as their own things individually. I guess they didn't know what to make of it all for years.
from i-am-jack :
The crazy thing is, I never used to be like this. And it only seems to be getting more and more out of my control. I know for sure that I am not ADHD but sometimes it looks a lot like it when I am really scattered. I remember you telling me about the schizo affective diagnosis. You probably know there is a bipolar version. That's what I have. The Master Interrogator of all people diagnosed me and it tied up a lot of mini fragment diagnoses. For years with me, it was rule out Borderline personality disorder. He finally ruled it out. Then again, I was not 100% honest about a lot of my crazier symptoms until I got into the program.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for reading, I know I have said it before, but no pressure to keep up, especially when I am manic, disjointed, etc. As for art for art's sake, I definitely do not want to write for pay and the most I would do with art is maybe have a small store on Etsy. My issue for a long time has been not being able to let go and enjoy it as a meditative practice very well anymore. I am constantly judging and grading myself and it just ruins the experience. That comes from my childhood. I am not as harsh on myself with writing, but it definitely happens. I know I need to have some kind of creative outlet in my life and enjoy it the way it's meant to be. I have to do something to take some of the constant stress off, without resorting to substances. As for my amateur therapist friend we met here and I think that set the tone. It and I was just too much for her. There was more to it, it got complicated, but that was how she told me off. I never feel like you are dumping on us, that's part of what this site is for. I appreciate the more real experience you get here, rather than the toxic positivity and glossy highlight reels you get everywhere else. I think we have this unique blend of community and catharsis here.
from swordfern :
Thank you for your kind words. I have not lived in Newfoundland. I visited there a year ago, and it left an impression on my soul.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds like a much better plan. Why not? Maybe she is a bit shaken, but she needed to know these people are ripping her and you off, and you are 100% right that that money could be used to feed people instead. I'm sure once she calms down, she'll see you're right.
from i-am-jack :
Damn they are just bad bike mechanics. I never really thought about how there could be bad mechanics for bikes too. Is there somewhere else you can go? At least you had someone finally fix the kickstand.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you got home safely and didn't have to be alone on the dark trail too long. They really did a bad job on your bike. I hope you can get some reliable lights soon.
from jimbostaxi :
“In wine, there is truth” we will see how much truth I can pour out Lol.
from jimbostaxi :
We never lock up during the day and I think my daughter gave her a key when they left on vacation. She's always here and she is let's put it as nice as I can,,, she's stacked! Lol. Fran’s cancer made me need as much help as I could get and she was part of that. On the food front, I've been on a role going to a lot of places which is cool but rather lonely. I'm going to order wine at the next place I visit so be prepared for my review. I read up on yours last night but I will catch up again later. How's your situation? Hopefully better.
from floodtide :
Congratulations on your contributions to Emmett's growth and successes. You should be proud of yourself. Obviously you inspire him as much as you teach him. You'll find your way with Zoe and others: you have these gifts.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thank you for the prayers
from swordfern :
Your note highlights the inherent privilege of travel. Some folks choose to not travel; others simply cannot travel. You may not have been to many places, but that doesn't mean that you haven't had a lot of life experience. Plus, I bet that you've read a book or two. :)
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, maybe I will find some pearls! Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Yep, that will be number 7! I'm still in shock! Thanks :)
from msafire :
Damn even reading these notes is rich! HA HA Between you and Jimbo on his notes page I am setting intention to go to a fancy Italian restaruant to celebrate my new job and order a Cianti ( but they won't have that on the wine list! HA HA that is really OLD fashioned, right??) Hell I need to learn to stay AWAY From Italian men; but learn to enjoy the parts of the culture that I DO LIke- just for me. Will be sure to order Tiramisu for desert. DM me pw if you will! Ciao ( I guess time to REALLY STOP prograstinating making an actual budget! Not the Guesswork kinda one that is getting me in hot water the past month or so!!)
from punkedupqt :
hiya. im looking to reopen my page and find new people to follow. saw you on here and thought id bother to ask. anyway, love and light to you! <3 always, m.
from silentcries8 :
Hahaha! Thank you for the note. Amen to that, someone should have warned me! One of the only true facts in the entire diary. Thanks for the connection, I’ll look you up next time I log on. Gotta go mind those tremors:)
from jimbostaxi :
Well, thank you for your confession. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Wine never has been my thing. I mean it could be my thing if I had it more than a few times in my life. I guess it's never too late to treat my palate to new experiences.
from musikoid :
zap
from whystinger :
I still have to memorize your pw... so I don't have to keep looking it up.
from i-am-jack :
I agree that coming out was the right thing to do, just to clear the air, before any misconceptions or misunderstandings came up. Now things can keep moving in a positive direction without any worries, on that front anyway. I'm glad this musical has been good for you and you are taking care of yourself. Congratulations on your days clean and setting boundaries with your daughter.
from i-am-jack :
You found your people. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
I'm happy you found your niche. ;^)
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, it felt good they got the package and it was intact. It doesn't seem nearly enough because of them just learning of Frans's death. I wish money was no object and I could do a lot more for them quickly. We will send more stuff after the kids and I talk and form a plan.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you! That means a lot to me. ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for checking in on me. I am not in the best place mentally, but I am handling it. My therapist doesn't want to lock me up, so she trusts me. Thanks for saying you believe I am okay.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks for the note. I do like my singles group though. It's been good for me.
from i-am-jack :
Also I really like the new color of your layout.
from i-am-jack :
I am starting to wonder if part of it is the 5G and a certain kind of lighting. There are these new really harsh LED lights that are starting to make their ways into stores and they are so disorienting and high contrast. As well as some kind of wide spread energy shift. The sushi place I used to enjoy going to started getting weird some time ago. It used to be pretty relaxing except for those weird flat screens on the walls with the overclocked, HD motion. I don't know what they call it, but if you have seen it you know what I am talking about. Now the whole place feels really off and fake. I haven't been there in a while, but I'll try to see if I can figure out why or how it feels off.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for relating that you can sense something is energetically different too. I feel less crazy and less alone with it. It is still beyond bizarre. This is a sudden shift past the "new normal" even. I am going to try to take notice of what places feel the most strange and which ones feel the most "normal" and see if I can make any connections.
from swordfern :
I would like to read you. Seems like we have a few friends in common. My email is [email protected]
from i-am-jack :
Experian and the other main credit companies often have lots of mistakes in everyone's records like that. When I filed bankruptcy, I had to access all 3 and they all had things like places I never lived and cars I never drove, but my identity had never been stolen. Greenpath (the people helping me) told me it would be like that. There was enough right information to confirm who I was though.
from i-am-jack :
I have had a lot of talks with my siblings and none of us felt loved. I have been going through my core wounds slowly, but I don't think I can get any more core than that. That is the core core wound if that makes any sense.
from jimbostaxi :
Congrats on the article with your pic! And thanks for the note :)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations about the article with your picture. That's pretty cool. I hope there is a good turn out.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, out of all the possible outcomes this was the best. We have had a few video chats and calls and there have been many tears. I united family and I think Fran would be proud.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for commenting. Like I said to Chakra-Nadi I wasn't sure if I should have posted it, since I was being an asshole, even for me. Something about the way you put it, made me realize Ward wasn't a strange choice, being that the show was about an idealized but believable family. I think my mom was thinking of him in terms of having a romantic relationship with him and choosing him to marry. In this story, she was the lesser of the two evils, but they are both narcissists, and she is a spoiled pill princess. She was mostly absent from my childhood and even from my life today, which is why she doesn't come up often when I write.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad things are going well and I really like how you threw out the old script, with the doctors and just were real in the moment with the new doctor.
from jimbostaxi :
I see you have been keeping busy and are making progress on modifying everything. Very good! :) yes, that whole thing with Rita felt like Fran was around.:) ty for the note!
from musikoid :
Exactly.
from i-am-jack :
Oh I totally agree about being free. As for the false morality, it is an unfair and inaccurate way of judging someone's character, especially if it's for a job! The only thing that really tells you about someone is they are good at playing the credit carnival game.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad that things are going well.
from i-am-jack :
Oh I have needed a change for years. That was a huge part of what drove me to seek that scam job in another state. I have lived here for about 20 years, minus a few times I moved out and came back when it didn't work out. It's hard because I love this house and my landlord but this city is becoming more and more intolerable. But I don't even know if what I want is possible, and I would rather stay here than go somewhere else exactly the same. This whole area and the surrounding areas have been declining for years. My childhood neighborhood is getting kind of scary. I am the kind of person who doesn't like to move around and really want to find my "forever home", but I am starting to wonder if that is possible these days. The way neighborhoods go down the drain inevitably. However I do think some people are more nomadic and need to keep moving every so many years to be happy and for things to stay fresh.
from i-am-jack :
Yes I watched a Frontline special about the credit industry. It's pretty evil. That's exactly it, they don't like responsible people they can't make money off. But it's such a catch 22. You have to have good credit to do so much, but they don't want you to have it. I also think it's bullshit that they consider paying your bills on time for years as "no credit" since it's not a loan, card or debt of some kind. It seems like you have to have just enough debt that you are paying on, to be in the sweet spot. I have no credit either.
from i-am-jack :
And it's definitely the system and not you! The system does not like responsible people who pay their bills on time and don't get into debt.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you know yourself and your patterns. It does seem like you both want to leave Moscow and move to Pullman for good reasons though. Maybe some of us aren't meant to stay in the same place for too long? I looked it up and the population of my city is 92,591. Supposedly it's declining my minuscule percentages, but it just keeps getting more and more crowded in my general area. There are just too many people and too many cars. You have massive families with 6 cars cramming into two or three bedroom houses. As for what the people here think, that's probably better suited for an email. It's divided and depends on what side you are on, how you feel. All I know is I have wanted to live in the country since I was born. So yeah for me the grass is greener. But this is the most aggressive dirty city I have ever lived in. I don't like the person I am kind of forced to be here.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, I am sick of my fucked up town too and know where I really belong, but have no idea how to get there. And never have to come back. I know exactly what you mean by hating it even more when you have to come back after being somewhere you love.
from wordwhore :
Hey, saw your name in someone else's notes and wanted to come say hi. I know I see you online elsewhere, but still. All the best.
from whystinger :
I know what you mean about running. For me, the lessons that I have relearned (in that entry) were many. That is the wonderful thing about the universe or God, if you don't learn your lesson the first time, we generally keep repeating it until we learn. Example: I stayed up too long last night and today certain things aren't working like they do when I get more sleep. Thanks for the note!
from i-am-jack :
Wow congratulations!
from jimbostaxi :
It's almost like I'm going back in time and eating lemon meringue pie with my mom at Woolworth's lunch counter Lol what's next? Maybe I'll start collecting cassettes again. :)
from i-am-jack :
" there's no point on earth in starting the day with a lousy cup of coffee if you don't have to." I love that! It's so true. I also relate to having that first cup to yourself in a meditative spot verses at the high anxiety computer. I try to have that first cup away from the computer most days now.
from jimbostaxi :
Granpa duty is great all the playing and no bad guy stuff. When I'm tired I leave and take a nap. :)
from swordfern :
I love notes, and I especially welcome yours! Your perception of Daniel is spot on. I was in a relationship with him for most of my adult life, and he was emotionally abusive for most of that time. I was never good enough for him; nothing was good enough for him. He was always right; my opinion was always wrong. Him cutting off my hair and holding it in front of me is, as you say, two acts of violence. After doing a whole lot of therapy, I learned about emotional abuse and realized what was happening to me and left him, much to his dismay. There was nothing that he could do about me leaving, asides from claw pitifully at some money and joint possessions, and in that moment I learned how to stand up for myself and my own needs. I appreciate you reminding me of this, of how my identity - my long hair - is my own and can no longer be shaped by his actions. Thank you.
from jimbostaxi :
Yes, and I have six total! Good thing as they are a constant source of material for my blog Lol
from jimbostaxi :
I will probably just sit there because it's easier. Lol thank you for the note.
from jimbostaxi :
I know I'm sensitive about her passing it's just I don't know how to tell people that so I sit there and listen. I should probably speak up somehow instead of complaining.
from jimbostaxi :
I was extra sad one day and I stumbled upon that quote while looking for something else. Immediately I knew it was a perfect fit for my page and even now when I log on I still love it.
from jimbostaxi :
That kind of sucks he waited until now to read it. Since this is your baby rewrites to make someone understand it isn't going to sit well. I guess sitting down with him and breaking each part down is out of the question huh?
from i-am-jack :
That's funny.
from i-am-jack :
I hope things work out for the best, whether or not you move. Also exactly, who saves or even *has* paper paycheck stubs these days anymore?
from i-am-jack :
Okay I read the entry before the last where you went and saw the apartment and it looked really nice. The high pressure sales tactics are still kind of suspicious though.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that does not sound good at all. It sounds like they are trying to hustle you. I would suspect there was something wrong with the apartment, if they are trying to pressure you into closing the deal so fast. I'm glad you are not doing it.
from jimbostaxi :
Never a good sign if someone is pressuring you. Be careful and hope it all works out.
from jimbostaxi :
Well, you can only try, right? This rest falls into the hands of the universe and is out of our control.
from jimbostaxi :
Good luck! Hope you get the apartment. :)
from i-am-jack :
*was after my first acid trip
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for reading those entries. Yes, maybe things go back to normal, but they are not the same because you are not exactly the same. The first time I experienced that after my first real acid trip (the times before, I didn't take enough to really experience it). For a while, feeling changed kind of disturbed me until I realized it was actually a good thing.
from i-am-jack :
I have some catching up to do with your entries, but I hope you get the apartment. I'll pray for you. And thinking toward life instead of death, that's powerful.
from i-am-jack :
It's okay. I was very manic when I wrote all of that. It's a lot and it's intense. I don't ever *expect* anyone to read anything I write, but it is nice when they do. This is pretty much my self therapy. When I started here, I was writing into the void and I still write that way, despite the void now being a small safe bubble of friends with passwords. Thanks for relating as a fellow healthy loner. ;^) Thanks for reading too.
from jimbostaxi :
It was a sad day but everything was so beautiful. People came to show their respect and be there in our time of need. She truly was universally loved and will deeply be missed. Ty for your kind words.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty, I don't wish this sadness on anyone.
from i-am-jack :
My mom did something similar to my sister. She basically held her hopes and dreams for ransom and she'd never be anything or be worthy of anything unless she lost weight. She really wanted to be a child actress but my mom said she wouldn't look into getting her an agent until she lost weight. Not that my mom could even afford that probably, but still. It really messed her up.
from i-am-jack :
You nailed it on the head. My mom very much was caught up in the old mindset that a woman's kids were a social statement about the mother. She was extremely superficial but came down the hardest on my sister. My dad could be superficial too, but for him it was our obedience, morals and intelligence that he wanted as a statement about him as a father. That is really sad and disgusting that your fiance had to grow up hearing that from her own father. I have heard my dad talk that way about other women, but not family. He definitely talks about my sister's weight though and has no tact.
from jimbostaxi :
Thank you for the notes, my friend. Things are very bad right now so forgive me if I seem curt or distant.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I hear ya,,,, I would prefer to cry everywhere I went but I don't see many people open doors for me if I did. Lol
from illusionless :
I don't think you sound crazy. I think it makes perfect sense. Than you for your input on the matter. I appreciate it.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the notes. Well as up and down as I am, eventually I'll feel differently. I have felt this way before a few times in my life and it passed. But I also need to look at my own habits and part in it. There is definitely room for improvement.
from i-am-jack :
It's not so much that I am bored, I am just tired of everything from cleaning to bathing to driving. I just want to set pretty much everything and forget it for the rest of my life some days. I feel like I missed out on a lot of my young life and am not living the life I wanted when I was older either. I am tired of getting hurt, getting screwed over and having anxiety. And none of that will be over until my life is. I am not suicidal, as much as it sounds like I am, but that's just where I am at right now.
from i-am-jack :
As for your pastor, that is really weird that he has all those other business endeavors. It almost sounds like the church is a hobby for him rather than a true calling.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you feel better soon. I know what you're talking about, how sometimes when you are sick, it feels like a relief that you just get to rest for a while.
from i-am-jack :
Oh it's very freeing, especially for people like us that don't have to go to a job every day. I think we are better adapted to it, having been outliers our whole lives anyway. I wanted to get here my whole life, it's just strange to arrive here in such strange times.
from i-am-jack :
To the friends note, I understand.
from i-am-jack :
As for society, for me, spending that time in lockdown and the whole collapse of normal life as we knew it, really opened my eyes to how much it was all just a bunch of constructs and rules that we all agreed to and lived by. Of course, I have heard things like "Time is a man made construct" for years. Before, I just shrugged and thought "Well, yeah technically." Now I really see it, experience it and I will never unsee it.
from i-am-jack :
I understand about your "friends". I guess I think of friends being two souls that enjoy each others' company and connect on some level. When I was younger, I hung out with a lot of different kinds of people at all different ages and got something from them all. But I understand what you are saying about the nature of how you bonded and how that is causing some problems.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope that you are able to mend your friendships and you all come out of this even stronger and closer.
from i-am-jack :
With the mess that everything is now, it has never been more alluring to just leave society. I have always known I wanted to live my own life that did not follow the general "normal" template, but the more time goes on the further I want to get from everything.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I have been reading and keeping up, I just haven't been commenting much. Congratulations that your show being produced has become a reality!
from jimbostaxi :
Nothing good ever comes from venturing out in a blizzard. Lol. Better to keep my fat ass home where it's safe.
from jimbostaxi :
Snow, my mortal enemy lol
from i-am-jack :
Happy Easter! ;^)
from illusionless :
Wow... That's very profound. Thank you for your insight. It is much appreciated. :) I'm really happy things are going so well for you these days with your job. You seem more confident and grounded in your entries now.
from illusionless :
Shame? How so? I'm really curious of your interpretation of the dream. ^_^
from whystinger :
Sounds awesome to get to a brainstorming session. Happy for you!
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on things moving in the right direction!
from illusionless :
Happy belated birthday!! :)
from i-am-jack :
Your latest entry is really beautiful. I also really enjoyed the Servant one. I'm glad you are getting so much out of this project. " It's such a deeply meaningful narrative, about a young man who feels he needs to be extraordinary, and who cannot settle for being ordinary. But in the end, he finds his true nature -- in being ordinary." I relate to this a lot too. For years, I chased the idea of being Someone without even a clear idea. Like I went through a phase of wanting to be famous, but didn't even know what for. I think we share this because of our similar fathers. Being told we were some kind of special child or prodigy then on the other hand being berated and told the exact opposite. I wanted to be Someone because that was the furthest thing from nothing, but now I am happier just being another blade of grass.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I get what you're saying. They have an agenda and I don't have time or patience to deal with their shit.
from i-am-jack :
Oh we were definitely weird in good and bad ways.
from i-am-jack :
My brother is actually the youngest. He was the golden child. I blame my parents for his royalty complex. For being the youngest, he kind of ran the show with my parents. I am actually the oldest, yet mentally I am the youngest. My sister is the middle child and raised me and my brother, when my mom was not there for any of us. When my brother got older, both he and my sister looked after me like the lost lamb.
from i-am-jack :
The funny thing is*
from i-am-jack :
Note two: The funny thing us, my sister and I tripped on acid a few times, when we still lived there as a family. We even tripped with friends, right under the Old Antagonist's nose, though we tried to leave the house as much as possible. We smoked a lot of weed. The actual smoking happened at the park, then we'd come home. My brother covered for us, but wanted nothing to do with any of it. He was super straight laced most of his life so it was totally unexpected that he would wind up the way he did.
from i-am-jack :
The World Peace Molecule was really trippy then and even more now. Yes, the Old Antagonist is my dad. It isn't so much that he is old in age, more like all the drama with him is old. He rarely rears his nasty head in my life now, when he used to be a big player. For a while, after both me and my sister left, my brother had the whole house to himself. The Old Antagonist was mostly living at my step mom's place. Yes, married since 2000 and have separate houses. Anyway my brother took over and threw a lot of drug parties in his room, when he wasn't going to raves and parties somewhere else.
from i-am-jack :
Manic or not, the spiritual experience entries were really beautiful, even if the thought of you dying made me sad. I think you really did experience your vibration raising and the glow and shine that comes with that.
from jimbostaxi :
I'm glad that you get it because I don't think most people out there can relate. Thanks for the note!
from i-am-jack :
I second "Thank you for being you." ;^)
from illusionless :
I find it gives me leverage over the situation.
from illusionless :
How so?
from i-am-jack :
Wow... thank you. That makes me feel really good. I wasn't sure how I felt about posting that one. Self gas lighting is an interesting concept. I am not sure what you were doing is that as much as a bit of adult make believe, method acting either a part of you that exists or the person you want to be. There is also the old saying "Fake it til you make it." There are lots of days I fake a good mood, for the sake of being pleasant to other people on the phone or ringing up my order, and after a while, I start to feel it.
from illusionless :
Thanks. I've been crying tons the past three days and I think I'm in a bit of denial. It's just weird that he would tell his friend he doesn't have feelings for me when all or majority of his actions prove otherwise. It's weird. We're still okay now. We still flirt and he doesn't stop it or say anything. I'm not supposed to know he said that really. So just playing everything off as normal at the moment.
from illusionless :
Yes. Amidst all the chaos in the world it's nice to see God still throw us little people a bone sometimes. Miracles are precious.
from illusionless :
Congrats on the R-Top gig and all the great new things happening. You seem so upbeat in this entry. I hope things continue in this positive way for you.
from i-am-jack :
That's so great to hear!
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you had some realizations and things are moving forward.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for reading through my last entry. No pressure ever to read everything I write. I am sorry things are not going well. I hope you can work through it and make it to better times. I am always rooting for you.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations! ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I have been a bit AWOL. I just caught up on the last few days and I am glad you're feeling better and like yourself again. I hope the new therapist helps.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I have been a bit AWOL. I just caught up on the last few days and I am glad you're feeling better and like yourself again. I hope the new therapist helps.
from i-am-jack :
That's why I didn't catch it. ;^) Sorry for any confusion.
from i-am-jack :
I'm kind of laughing now, because I meant "note", but typed not instead. Yes, that was a mistake.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for the Idaho crisis line. I will pass it along to him and keep it for myself as well. That's great that they don't care where you are calling from and have helped you before. Those lines can be hit and miss. Thanks for the resource.
from i-am-jack :
To your not agreeing with chakra-nadi, you both are right. He absolutely is in it for what he can get out of me. That is classic narcissism right there. They are almost vampires in that they need someone else to feed on. It is very dysfunctional and it only seems to be coming out more and more with time. Your story about your friend and the pictures of his woman is close to how he shows me all these pictures of himself and needs me to validate every little thing he does or shows me. He gets kind of puffy if I don't make enough of a fuss or engage the way he wants. Thankfully it isn't as bad as your friend. I could not handle 3 or 4 letters a day.
from i-am-jack :
He doesn't usually do that. Sometimes he Skypes me at 5 or 6 when he gets up, but knows I will see it later. But yeah, he is a lot to deal with sometimes. I have been recommending he see a real therapist for over a month. I have been telling him to call a crisis line, talk to someone professional, etc. It came out yesterday that he doesn't have health insurance, but he finally admitted he needs real help. That's a huge step.
from i-am-jack :
"Vague little challenges sometimes zap me of my motivation" I know that one all too well!
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks :)
from illusionless :
Thanks. :) Yeah, I confided in my mom about the conversation with dad and she's pretty pissed off. She called it abusive and doesn't believe he would talk to anyone else the way he talks to me. She thinks I should eventually bring up how he made me feel about it. Today is a mental health day since I didn't sleep too well last night along with the panic attack.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, it was cool to think back but I need to make new memories! That might help me through these dark times. Thanks for the note.
from jimbostaxi :
Jimbo was here! Yes, I was I know you can't believe it!
from i-am-jack :
;^)
from i-am-jack :
You definitely have a talent for beauty and that does help people. It lifts them up and makes the world a better place.
from i-am-jack :
I really enjoyed your thoughts on beauty. While there are definitely things in the world we can all agree are ugly, beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. I have also loved things *because* they were ugly, like this old pea green car that used to be at the end of the block. It was an old green junker, but I loved it. I see beauty in things people think are ugly or worthless all the time.
from wordwhore :
👋
from i-am-jack :
I hope you got out and enjoyed the day.
from i-am-jack :
Right now, I just have one lap top that is my main computer. Years ago, I read an article that suggested having a second computer just for writing/studying/quiet time if you are getting too distracted or bombarded. For a long time, I didn't feel like I needed that, but I still tucked the idea away. It is something I am wanting more and more, but right now I am saving up for car repairs. After I get that done, I think I am going to look into getting a second computer. Just something small.
from i-am-jack :
Honestly I felt bad for saying that, but sometimes he has no off switch. There was a day a few weeks ago, we basically had a therapy session for 10 hours! The last several days, I have spent most of the afternoon, but thankfully not all day, basically doing emotional labor for him. I am exhausted and honestly feel like I need a separate computer so I can get on and just be able to relax, have some down time, and not have to be "on" all the time, on demand.
from jimbostaxi :
Here is where I voice all the stuff I can't say out loud. A mixed grab bag of emotion and truth it's like a shitty pinata at a kid's party. Damn it's all Milky Way bars! Wtf! I knew I shouldn't have come here! Lol. Thanks for the note.
from i-am-jack :
Also it's good to see you in a productive place.
from i-am-jack :
I think everyone has to learn a whole new way of coping and being, that is different than anything we have ever had to do before. I was watching this video about a hermit in Scotland. He was in his 80's, lean and full of energy as could be, but was never worried about his health, or even dying. And he had had a few real emergencies and a couple brushes with death. I thought that was really inspiring. He was that at peace, happy to be alive, but not at all afraid to go.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for relating. Here there is one really good hospital that the clinic I go to tries to send people if they can. When the pandemic first hit, there was a 2 year wait list to get into the psych ward! Yeah like someone having a crisis can wait that long. Now it's more like unavailable until further notice. There really is no safety net. That is something I was worried about if I ever moved out into the middle of nowhere. But I am doing it now. It doesn't matter if there are several hospitals near me, if I can't get in them. They may as well be 10 hours away.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better and getting things done.
from i-am-jack :
Good luck coming back down from being manic. Hopefully it will be a gentle drop off and you will not get too low or depressed. I am starting to crash out and have been sleeping a lot, but it isn't depressed depressed, so far.
from i-am-jack :
It's both sad that he lost interest and amazing that the site is still up and running after all these years. Also that a lot of the original community is still here. It's more of a retirement community than a ghost town I think. One of the last old dives of the old Internet.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for reading. I looked it over again and yeah it flows the way it's supposed to. It has been a while, but that is part of how I write here, part of the prose/style/sound. I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to writing last night, both being as manic as I am and I had some magic brownie earlier but it peaked several hours later and stronger than usual. Still I made myself write, because a fire was scared under my ass. I really do think that Diaryland is already a ghost town and Andrew has lost interest and is letting it continue to exist and run its course. Some day all this will be gone. I saw he updated again, but I still see the same last entry. It pisses me off, because it's probably an easy glitch to fix on Andrew's end.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know you can see it. After what happened to Flood, I am a bit freaked out. It was the same notice. But so far everyone can see my test entry even though it disappeared on my end briefly. Just what I need, more anxiety. ;^/ I am feeling a bit better generally, but I was so manic the other day I made a dumb faux pas on a forum. I didn't realize how disjointed it was until someone told me and I realized just how manic it was.
from i-am-jack :
Also let me know if you can see my test entry. This morning I got the Diaryland death notice that my diary has been moved off line, which these days means it's gone.
from i-am-jack :
I got your email. I have just been in a bad manic place. It was a very stressful week and a half and I was forced into a super manic Go mode to get through it. It can take a long time for me to calm down from that even after everything is over.
from jimbostaxi :
The numbers are way underestimated because I work by myself and see very few people and still got it. So whatever they're saying is on the low end. Right now Soccara and I just have sore throat and cough but we are better than the unvaccinated people here. Thanks for the note.
from musikoid :
Test.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know. ;^) No hurry.
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. I'm sorry it took a long time to acknowledge it but lately that is how life is for me. Crazy-ass busy and then my priorities change. As for your situation, I don't really know enough to comment, but there is the possibility that your wife was doing the manipulating and using techniques like gaslighting and projection to help pull them off. When my ex-wife would give me the silent treatment was when we were married and she was pissed at me - that is manipulative and abusive. Example: She was over $14,000 in credit card debt and had 108 pair of shoes in the closet (literally, I had counted them) she wanted to buy another pair. I simply asked "you have $14,000 of credit card debt, should you really charge another pair of shoes?" She got pissed, stopped talking to me, bought three new pair and never wore any of them. She didn't talk to me for about 7 days when she realized that her "silent treatment" didn't bother me (I just went on with life). I did not break contact with her after the divorce to try to manipulate her and while I would like to have stayed friends with her, I realized that it would prevent both of us from moving on and she would start working at getting me back into the painful relationship. I ended contact to move on and so that I remained healthy.
from wordwhore :
Also, where I am currently it is 25°, but where I'm going the low will be -9°. Supposed to be a balmy 4° when I arrive. I hope the season is good to you also.
from wordwhore :
I've been reading until your entries disappeared, but I mostly just don't know what to say, as I've said before. I should be better at saying I've stopped by I guess, but I've never been good at small talk. Thanks for the heads up on the typos. I'm glad the relapse didn't happen.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you the email.
from i-am-jack :
I will answer the longer note in email and I just got the entry link. I'll read it right now.
from i-am-jack :
I just got your notes. Yes, it was the "nevermind" that made me not ask about it, but I still wanted to acknowledge you. I don't really have hours anymore. I am sorry I missed the first note where you wanted to share the entries with a few people. I would have said send them, if I had seen it before you said nevermind. I am always signed into Diaryland and most of the time I don't shut my computer down, so it probably looks like I am on when I am not, a lot. I had that with another friend and another site. He thought I was on but not answering.
from musikoid :
https://musikoid.diaryland.com/220108_62.html
from i-am-jack :
It's fine. I got that you changed your mind about sending them. I just didn't want to ignore you and let you know I saw the notes.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting you know I got your notes.
from jimbostaxi :
Send it again. Thanks
from i-am-jack :
Feel free to use anything from my last note that you want.
from i-am-jack :
Oh good. I'm looking forward to it.
from i-am-jack :
You're welcome! ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas! ;^)
from wordwhore :
I hope your Christmas is chill and pleasant.
from i-am-jack :
I am definitely interested in reading your article about Dollar Tree raising prices. I believed you but looked it up and damn. It seems to be a bad move already. I have two near me and have shopped there for years. I will not buy any of their personal care items like lotion, etc, anymore unless it's a name brand. They shrunk the sizes AND changed the formulas to watered down crap. This one cream I had been buying for years, broke me out after they changed it, so never again. They have already been "going cheap" with stuff like this, so this annoys me and makes me think I will be shopping more at Family Dollar like I already have been. Another one that raised their prices was Aldi. I used to be able to get boxes of mac and cheese for 29 cents. Most of their canned foods were 29 cents and tuna was around 50 cents. Not anymore. I stopped shopping there.
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas! Thanks for letting me know you got the package. I'm glad you like it. That makes me feel really good that it's actually a perfect replacement for the old beanie.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the congrats. Yeah, I've started only find out at the doctors office as well. The scale is my enemy. It makes me go on total head trips that make me go back to what I don't want to do. Ignorance is bliss in this case.
from jimbostaxi :
Every day I try and see where I'm at mentally. It's a constant adjustment and many days I'm on the verge of calling the suicide hotline. Doing what I can to breathe and function. Thanks for the note.
from i-am-jack :
I don't blame you at all for leaving the job. You don't need anyone in your life that doesn't take no for answer.
from jimbostaxi :
The comment was made because I had to fight to get early access. So then she said, “don't tell me your that needy.”
from i-am-jack :
I am so glad you've tested negative so far.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, “emotionally needy.”
from jimbostaxi :
I'm.not sleeping much if at all. It doesn't take much for me to lose my mind.
from i-am-jack :
I listened to your audios and I think the one for the hospital is very good, but I see what your friend means that some parts could be polished a bit, like the phone moving around. But all in all, I think you spoke it very well. As for the audio message to your "friend" I don't think you were too hard on him. He had it coming and I think you parted ways with him honestly and with grace.
from whystinger :
I'd like a set of keys. you can email me at whystinger"at"yahoo.com. Work is crazy busy for me, so it may be a while before I check email or use the keys. Thanks!
from wordwhore :
Thanks for your thoughts, A. I'm having bad anxiety and can't coherently respond rn, but I wanted you to know they're appreciated
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you rationalized it, even if it is very frustrating. Also I have been praying for you.
from i-am-jack :
That is very very weird. I got a bit of a chill reading that.
from illusionless :
Yes, it's the same in Canada as well. Thanks. Same for you. In the end it's all in God's hands not ours.
from i-am-jack :
I hope your beanie turns up. I am the same way in the winter, down to having my ears covered, especially when I'm sleeping. I have several, but have my favorites. I am sure you could find a new one at Goodwill. Maybe get two and keep the other in a drawer as a back up.
from i-am-jack :
There is so much ancient lore about this. The little people. The fae. Ghosts. Often they are feared, but not all of them are bad. Sometimes they are being mischievous or are just angry at you. They always say don't piss off the fairies. I have had positive experiences with them too. I have had them return things I thought I lost for good. Like in minutes and right back where it went. So they are not all the same entity/s. Some are kind and some are not.
from i-am-jack :
I believe you and know exactly what you are talking about with things magically disappearing and reappearing in odd places. It has been happening my whole life.
from swordfern :
Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for the note regarding running chafing. It's great to know that others suffer similarly lol.
from jimbostaxi :
Happy Thanksgiving!
from i-am-jack :
Happy Thanksgiving!
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you made it to 8 days, with a little divine intervention. I hope you can get some restful sleep.
from i-am-jack :
Yes you put it perfectly, doubts vs self sabotage. I also think sometimes we hold ourselves back for other people or personal reasons. I know I do that a lot.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you feel better soon.
from i-am-jack :
It's just a theory I heard/read once. Of course there are lots of factors at play in life, different situations, different goals etc. More often than not, it's probably multiple things that seem to be getting in the way of our goals. We live in dynamic world. But it's good to identify and get to the bottom of self sabotage if it's there. And of course the 100% theory is just a theory and not the only way self sabotage can play out.
from illusionless :
Thank you. It was a beautiful occasion. It gave me much closure along with lasting openness of the happy memories.
from jimbostaxi :
Appreciate the offer but I think I'm going to do some research on it and go slow. When I'm ready with a rough draft ill run it by you and then we can take it from there.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the links I enjoyed them very much. I would like to do one that doesn't rhyme but I'm not ready yet.
from whystinger :
I was leaving a note for Jimbo and saw yours. Is the EiB your creativity? Some awesome stuff my friend. Love it.
from wordwhore :
🙏
from i-am-jack :
I am always rooting for you and will pray for you. Do you think there is anything going on deeper than the nature of addiction itself, that is sabotaging you? If you are not 100% on board with any goal no matter how much you want it, it will not happen. I once read that it only takes one person to pull the emergency brake and stop the whole train. If even a tiny part of you wants to hold on, he can derail your efforts. Try meditating on it and see what comes up. You can even ask your mind if all of you is onboard and see what comes up.
from i-am-jack :
That was one of the worst ones. I felt like I wasn't a real person or even human just a bunch of bad programming like a computer. I was so manic I couldn't sit still. I was squatting in my chair bouncing up and down on my haunches. That was when my therapist finally saw for herself what all these meds do to me. She never forgot it and never tried suggesting even the "milder" stuff to me again. She was surprised because supposedly Abilify is safe for teenagers. When my sister was in the hospital one of the friends she made was on it and had restless legs and well everything else too, so bad, she was screaming and kicking the ground. She got moved to the special ward upstairs, when the Abilify had destabilized her. And they kept trying to fix "the problem" by giving her more!
from jimbostaxi :
Sure, I would love to see some of your poems.
from jimbostaxi :
I always get super nervous with poems but sometimes it's just easier to describe my mood. Each short line expands the narrative without any fluff. The coffee shop girl makes me smile but nothing more than that. Just her being nice to an old fool on his way to work. Thanks for the note!
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. The worst of the food poisoning is over, I am feeling a bit better each day. I am just taking it easy, laying down when I am tired and eating mostly bland foods but I am slowly starting to be able to get back to normal food wise. As for the misunderstanding, it's okay. I should have trusted my better judgement. Sometimes people just need to vent. Especially on here. Thank you though. As for bipolar, it's pretty much the norm for me. My medication manages the psychotic/paranoid/not sleeping end of things. Anything I ever tried for the rest of it has been disastrous and the Seroquel isn't without its side effects. I am used to being up, down and all over the place. I have mostly been in the mode of fighting through my depression to at least have a day and function at some level, but still feeling like shit. I spent most of the summer not functioning and don't want to go back.
from i-am-jack :
Hey, I have been meaning to let you know I have been reading. I am not in the greatest place. I got food poisoning on Sunday and am just now starting to feel almost better.
from wordwhore :
Yay laundry and good convo with e!
from wordwhore :
Thanks.
from wordwhore :
I've been reading, just no spoons to offer much in the way of response. Glad you got coffee.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note! Those entries usually write themselves when I'm feeling out of sorts. They are may way of saying something aloud without ever having to speak. :)
from fragilegirl8 :
try now. I forgot I could do it from Diaryland
from fragilegirl8 :
Email me for password
from musikoid :
All good.
from i-am-jack :
"It doesn't make as much sense I thought I was making when I thought I made sense, if that makes sense." Yes, exactly.
from illusionless :
You have been in my prayers. Yes, I think my grandma is very proud of all of us. She will be greatly missed.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry that note was so scattered. I think sometimes my racing thoughts (which usually are a good thing when writing) race too fast and get messy and start not making sense. Also sometimes I start almost talking in my own language or in a way that only makes sense to me and don't realize I am doing it until someone points it out. Even my therapist who has learned my language, has times when she tells me to slow down, she isn't understanding. I was having trouble that day for some reason. Sorry for the confusion. Also the format of the notes box makes it harder to catch mistakes. I hope this note makes better sense.
from wordwhore :
I only drink certain brands of coffee and I'm very particular about hot coffee. But before it goes into the fridge, I put in a little bit of dark chocolate syrup so it never gets that weird old coffee taste that coffee gets when it sits out too long. It isn't enough to really sweeten it. It just takes the bitter edge off.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, Jimbo doesn't usually write about happiness so It surprised even me how upbeat it turned out. Lol
from floodtide :
Your entry today, Oct 12, a new letter to Echo, is beautiful, powerful, very healthy, and was probably hard as hell to write. For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing even though - or especially because - it's so difficult. But it's the right thing for both of you.
from i-am-jack :
I understand. I hope you feel better. I wasn't alive in the 70's except as a baby in '78 and '79, but I have been missing better, more innocent, less fucked up times too. Badly.
from illusionless :
It's okay. I think everyone's diaries are confusing in that sense, especially if you don't know each other in person. Thank you for remembering. I'm glad you are enjoying playing the piano at the United Church in your area.
from illusionless :
I used to go to a United Church, yeah. I don't live in the city that church is located in anymore. There is a church across the street from me so I will start going there.
from i-am-jack :
Third note: I agree that the moral has lifted and things have calmed down a lot in the media, but you like you said he isn't exempt. The tire fire that has been burning the last several years is going to be burning for a long time, especially when there are people who keep it burning, because its in their best interests. Things have gotten better in some ways and stayed the same or gotten a little worse in others.
from i-am-jack :
Second Note: I agree that there are different levels at play. But what I meant is that they can tell the difference between a human and say a box, but the objectification is what makes it scary. It's the more sociopathic and dangerous version of when people sexually objectifying someone. But instead of seeing a woman as a conquest or a set of tantalizing parts for one thing, they have discriminated against a certain group to the point of them not even being human or having a soul. They literally do not register as human in the brain. They feel they can treat them as bad as they want, like vermin. Just being a ____ person (fill in the prejudice) means they are not people. And the brain scans showed the actual lens these people see people they are prejudiced against through. It's kind of hard to explain. But yes, dehumanizing treatment of people as sub human mutants definitely falls into this. It's the same mindset people have in war about the enemy and it's dangerous and sad that humans are capable of seeing other humans as not even their own kind.
from i-am-jack :
First note: The surprising and scary thing is people that seemed a lot smarter than that, got sucked in. My dad used to hate conspiracy nuts and now he has completely drank the Koolaid. He used to be a lot smarter than that, but he started losing his mind during the Y2k scare and is completely nuts now. People that I thought were good, humble, golden hearted sensible people ended up becoming subjects of King Orange the terrible somehow believing he cared about the average to low income working class. I can't help but wonder if they would have fallen for it without social media and all the clever editing, framing and well, brainwashing tactics.
from i-am-jack :
Third Note: Divide and conquer is exactly what's happening, it's timeless but I think it has reached a whole new level, thanks to social media and Big Tech.
from i-am-jack :
Second note: I was thinking that as I was typing it. The people that treat homeless people badly probably see them as things and not people.
from i-am-jack :
First note: Oh I agree. Conspiracy nuts have been around for decades, but suddenly they have all this attention and are being amplified, promoted and riled up to terrifying levels, like explosive wind up toys. They don't even realize they are pawns. It's almost a crazy cult.
from i-am-jack :
Yes there have been experiments done with brain scans showing people's reactions and brain activity of empathy, sympathy and concern reacting to different kinds of faces and people in pain. They reacted the strongest to their "tribe" and reacted the lowest to the ones most different from them. In some studies, startlingly, some people see certain people they don't like more as things. The object center of their brains lit up rather than recognizing another person. I am not sure how much of that is learned though. Children don't act like that. The wiring and the capacity to use it for evil is definitely there. It's timeless. Louis the XIV purposely kept his court under one roof and created and fueled divisiveness among them to keep them from turning on him or over throwing him. So even the rich and powerful play the less rich and powerful under them. It's a shit flow chart (like the famous cartoon sketch) from the richest at the top down to the poorest at the bottom.
from i-am-jack :
I actually don't think it's *that* over the top. I am not a conspiracy person and avoid them at all costs, but there is always way more and way worse going on behind the scenes, and what we are seeing/hearing is bad enough. Big Everything is taking over the world, if they haven't already.
from jimbostaxi :
For future emails, I’m going to start using my Gmail instead of Yahoo. The name is still the same. Thanks!
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better and you are the youngest almost 70 yr old I have ever met too. I guessed you were in your 30's when I first started reading and talking to you. And how can something be both radical and moderate? All that stuff is just getting way too divisive and stupid, I think.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I have been reading. ;^)
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, praise coming from an accomplished writer like yourself feels good. The overwhelming desire to be taken more seriously was my key motivator. In the end, all I ever wanted was to leave something to be proud of and touching.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, you are too kind my friend! That type of writing always makes me super self-conscious. It’s a side a cabby rarely gets to show. Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, humor is my default setting. Why deal with something when I can just shrug it off with a joke. The more painful it is the more out in left field my response will be. Voice messages let me go full-blown lunatic because I can play off how you articulate a response. As for my entry, I never know how those things will be received but I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
from illusionless :
Echo is included in my prayers. I'll also pray for you too.
from wordwhore :
🙏🙏💙
from wordwhore :
Thanks. I've been bad at communicating lately.
from illusionless :
Thank you Musikiod. I appreciate your kind words. I think you are 100% correct about all the uncertainty at this time.
from i-am-jack :
I deleted both of the triggered emails. I hope you are feeling better, just having gotten it out, even if we didn't read it.
from jimbostaxi :
Maybe, it's was calming and unsettling at the same time.
from wordwhore :
Thanks
from wordwhore :
Hey, did my phone default to the old un/pw or did you change it again in the last week or so?
from jimbostaxi :
Yes, hold it together for her sake. Sometimes that constant reminder is enough to push us forward. :)
from jimbostaxi :
I'm glad you liked my latest entry that means a lot to me. The hope was real and I'm glad that I expressed it in a way so my readers felt it too.
from wordwhore :
Thanks me too
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, thanks, sometimes the spur of the moment entries come out better than the ones I've planned out. :)
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks. From your mouth to god's ears :)
from musikoid :
Thanks
from i-am-jack :
Your "New Times" entry is beautiful.
from jimbostaxi :
Twenty years doing this so I confirm that.
from i-am-jack :
Coffee with milk and honey sounds really good.
from i-am-jack :
The thing is these colors never completely fade out, as in disappearing like nothing happened. Especially blues and greens. Especially on white and blonde hair. One time,I dyed my hair this blue color that turned out wrong and it looked like a pen exploded on my head. I had them try to lift it with a soap cap (strongest bleach you can do) and I was left with scabs and crunchy blisters in my hair, and still traces of blue and now green too! That was as much as it was coming out. There are lots of videos of people saying blues/greens that were semi permanent or even temporary, stain your hair permanently. I just didn't want to see this happen to you, knowing what I know.
from jimbostaxi :
Never pack a cake with your gym shorts? Haha
from i-am-jack :
I don't suggest dying your beard blue unless you want it to be some shade of blue forever until it grows out. Blues and greens are almost impossible to fully get rid of, even with bleach. It says semi permanent, but it's not.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on the church job, I hope everything goes well and you get it for sure. Also the Bobby thing is interesting. Bobby is you basically and you want to dress more the part of who you really are/want to be?
from i-am-jack :
I am glad that you had a wake up call and are doing something positive with it all. That is a huge step forward in your recovery, not letting your past define you, and moving toward good health that does not rely on or need those meds anymore, instead of just being a lifer.
from musikoid :
I just think it was a huge wake up. Even advocating for ADHD vis a vis Bipolar is pointless because no psychiatric drug has ever truly helped me and most of them have hurt me considerably. It just irks me that these doctors believe shit that was written 17 years ago, whether it was true or not at the time, and as though people don't change. I try not to let the past "define" me and I get the feeling these doctors care more about the past that I don't want defining me than the present which can and should. I'm done.
from i-am-jack :
As for the Seroquel, they started me at 25 and bumped it up to 50 in a month I think? I am on a soggy bender for a whole month sometimes longer starting pretty much anything new, but Seroquel is really strong. If I take it and stay awake, I feel like a tiger that's been hit with a tranquilizer dart, and stagger off and just fall in the bed and pass out. Still, after 10 years! It's crazy. It was really harsh and hard to get used to. Like I said, I still sleep all the time and never feel rested or really wake up. Your story makes me feel better that it's not just me. People don't always believe me that it really makes you that tired. I am glad you were able to get off the med merry go round. I mean, if you can't even get what you need and *know* works for you, then why play their game anymore?
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know the Whitaker link was stretching out my page. I didn't see it on my end, but I know what you mean. I deleted it. I still have it in email you sent.
from wordwhore :
Indeed.com
from illusionless :
It's all good. We're cool on my end too. I never go on Skype anymore. I am on Discord the most. I am on Zoom for OA meetings mostly, but I can keep it open and we can video-chat there if you want.
from i-am-jack :
*thought you meant* See? ;^)
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I meant you had a story you wanted to tell me about your time on Seroquel. I am kind of manic and not reading at 100% clarity.
from i-am-jack :
Yikes Risperdal can cause breast growth in men. Yet these are "acceptable" side effects and worth the benefits? Yeah when it's not *them* taking it.
from illusionless :
That's okay. I did read but I am often quiet these days. I am not on Diaryland that often. I respect your wishes to have a small and faithful group. I did read your entry and saw your e-mail. I have just been busy packing every day right now. I will answer back.
from i-am-jack :
Can I have the link to your story?
from i-am-jack :
I remember that you took it and it went so bad that you are considered allergic to antipsychotics if I remember right? I suspect that it is *causing* my psychotic night episodes. I am not like that during the day and I take it at night. The reason I don't stop taking it, is I do have psychotic tendencies and it has benefited me a lot, especially with the paranoia, which got really bad. Really bad. I don't want to be that guy again.
from i-am-jack :
They also probably don't or have never taken medication that causes them more harm than good or dealt with the never ending psychiatrist merry go round. I believe you and I have been there. I currently am dealing with the fact that my Seroquel makes me sleep 10-12 or even 15 hours and I never really wake up. I never have any energy unless I am manic. I want to at least decrease my dose and go more and more holistic. I have been into natural medicine since I was in my 20's and often laughed at. "Going off your meds" or refusing to take meds, has a huge stigma attached that unless they have been there, people just do not get. I more than understand and support you.
from i-am-jack :
Good luck on your holistic journey. It must feel amazing to stop taking medication that you never needed and actually made you feel worse. Congratulations on your new freedom.
from i-am-jack :
Wow... I'm sorry.
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry for your loss, A. 💙
from i-am-jack :
The note thing is probably innocuous but it is kind of creepy. I'd feel like I was taking the bait too.
from wordwhore :
Thanks. Apparently she asked my sister why I was mad and RFB told her, so I don't really need to explain much at this point.
from i-am-jack :
Everyone likes me better drunk, I know how that goes. Also, have you thought of wearing a cross to bed? The Ghost has some pretty bad problems with sleep demons and entities and never takes theirs off. You could have it blessed and then wear it for night or general protection.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is invasive and rude of her to just say she is coming over to get the workbook. Especially after how everything went. If you wrote in it, she should let you keep it. She should anyway. She is just acting like a catty ex that left something at your house. Maybe you can have a friend return it to her, so you don't have to see her. That or mail it, if you really have to. I 1000% relate with how you don't want people coming to your house. I'm glad that your house feels holy and peaceful again. Maybe helping your guest sort of cleansed or blessed the house.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds so Canadian or what we call Yooper (The weird accent people in the UP or upper peninsula have) I am right by Canada though, so I pick it up.
from i-am-jack :
That just makes it feel more personal, like normal conversation. I say "Ya know?" a lot. Especially if I don't think the person is listening, or if I have been talking for too long.
from i-am-jack :
I gave your latest entry a listen. I really enjoyed it. You should do more like that. You have a great radio/story telling voice, even when you are just casually voice blogging.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad it went well. That was very compassionate of you.
from i-am-jack :
I hope things are going well with your guest.
from wordwhore :
No, not medical, unfortunately. You have to have certification for that.
from musikoid :
"High school doesn't necessarily end when we graduate and grow up." Too true.
from i-am-jack :
*had the misfortune
from i-am-jack :
Human contact can definitely be stressful and draining. I'm sorry you had to misfortune of having to talk to that lady. She sounds very aggressive and opinionated, the kind that thrives off the very interaction that drained and pissed you off. That must be hard living in a small town, having to deal with the same people all the time and worry about things like gossip and your reputation. High school doesn't necessarily end when we graduate and grow up.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you were able to get out and connect with friends and feel better. I hope you discovered a new coping mechanism.
from i-am-jack :
Holy shit that therapist sounds like a bitch. I'm sorry but she does. That was completely unprofessional, immature and uncalled for. You have every right to ask to not be emailed and she should respect that. It sounds like she wasn't working out for you, with all the homework she was throwing at you and not letting you talk. I think her true colors came out and you should end things with her. She isn't earning a dime of what she is being paid. There are plenty of bad therapists out there that cause more harm than good, sadly. I had one that was gaslighting me and making fun of me, as well as smirking and threatening to send me to the hospital all the time for little things. I have also dealt with a lady who dealt with criminals most of her career, I know how they are! Anyway, I don't think you should give her anymore time, money and especially your peace of mind. Maybe now is not the time for therapy and you will find the right person at the right time. It isn't you, it takes a while to find the right fit sometimes, since they all have their own style.
from i-am-jack :
That's great that you now have 3 coffee makers. It sounds to me like the old one just crapped out. I had one do something similar mid brew. It just stopped, despite being hot. There are 2 elements inside one for heat and one to make the water come down, and either one can go. They aren't typically servicable because they want you to buy a new one. Coffee makers live about 5-10 years depending on use, so it's good to have a backup or two in your case.
from wordwhore :
That sounds like a horrendous experience. I don't know what you said to her, but yes, anyone trained to deal with PTSD should expect and be able to handle erratic behavior from a triggered person, it is sort of in the job description. Her job should be de-escalation, not threats of police involvement. Unless you actually threatened her physically in some way, that seems extremely uncalled for. This is so unfortunate. I know you were hoping for some relief or you'd never have agreed to therapy in the first place. Best thoughts.
from wordwhore :
Sounds like possibly the little doohickey that the top of the coffee pot is supposed to press up to allow water to escape is not functioning, or perhaps the basket where the water is supposed to come out is blocked? (I believe "carafe" is actually the name for the coffee pot, but I could be mistaken.)
from floodtide :
Hey, friend - I don't remember if I wrote via e-mail before I went to Georgia; I don't see a note on this page from me any more recent than the brief response to the bipolar diagnosis. Thanks for your notes and support, and thanks again for sharing the lovely news about Phil H. (I think I DID respond about that? I hope so. But God knows where my brain was in the weeks prior to late June.) Spent 5 weeks in rehab/psychiatric treatment at Black Bear Lodge on Yona Mountain in northeastern Georgia. (Perhaps even closer to Furman in Greenville SC, where I went to college, than to Atlanta, into which I flew and from which the drive was about an hour and a half.) Hardest and best thing I've ever done. Unfortunately came home developing a terrible case of pneumonia and have been knocked flat since Friday evening. SOME small improvement; finally got a diagnosis and some antibiotics today. Hoping they make a difference SOON. Thinking of you, and hoping you are well. Love, flood
from i-am-jack :
The backstory of Awake the Dawn is beautiful.
from wordwhore :
I was actually remembering you mentioning the stuck point as I was typing about that.
from jimbostaxi :
Life is full of twists and turns unfortunately most of mine have not been noteworthy events for my page. Things are pretty much unchanged so Instead of being repetitive, I stopped writing. I’d rather use this place to help me when I’m In crisis than abuse it with mundane news like “oh today was garbage day.” Besides, that Jimbo is alive and well just trying to survive in this plague-filled world. How is Andy?
from i-am-jack :
It's a life long journey and it's all connected.
from i-am-jack :
Third note: I don't really know what to say, but thank you for today's conversation and the entry that started it, even if you did delete the entry. People enjoy your catharsis and get more out of it than you think, but I respect your choice to delete things.
from i-am-jack :
Second note: It's crazy how deep that childhood programming is. Even when you are aware of it. For me, it was my dad that did the most damage, but my mom did too. I was only as good or as bad as my behavior. I was only worth my obedience and good grades. I was only worth what I did right to make them happy. And they could take it back at any time, I fucked up. I had no inherent worth. I still have a hard time imagining I can be liked for me and not for what I am doing for someone.
from i-am-jack :
First note: Wow you had a cool realization about people pleasing and uncentering too? I like that about the single eye and the scattered eye. It sounds like he could be talking about your 3rd eye, the single eye that looks in, not out. It all does come together. People pleasing definitely scatters your mind and energy. There is a lot written about having a scattered will and focus and how you will get nowhere. You can't even have your own vision, if you are watching what everyone else is doing or thinking of you.
from i-am-jack :
Do what you need to do. It didn't mess me up. But the note conversation we had gave me an epiphany and helped me a long in a big way, so the entry itself helped me in an unintended way.
from i-am-jack :
I think we default to that because that's how it was when we were kids. We completely looked to our parents and other adults in our lives for all that. That and we are such social creatures that we continue doing that, often seeking and creating our own family dynamics over again. Somewhere deep inside we probably still believe we need the acceptance and approval of the others to survive, even at the expense of our center and own identity. The programming runs deep at both the childhood level and the deeper reptilian brain level. That's why it's so easy to default to.
from i-am-jack :
"The relationship between people-pleasing and uncenteredness." Wow thank you for that. Something about the way you put it, opened a new deeper understanding for me. It was like the pieces were almost together and that closed the gap that I wasn't even aware of.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. I'm glad you are feeling better and more centered. I think everyone has and does that, we look out instead of in, trying to find ourselves. We look to other people's opinions, rules, etc. It's too easy.
from i-am-jack :
Where is the center is a good question. Personally I think "the center" is relative to how big a picture you are looking at and where you are looking. There is no absolute center. When you are looking at people, they tend to be pretty self centered. We do each have a center, but when it comes to religion and politics, so many people are obsessed with being right, that they want and even *need* their center and core beliefs to be the center of the universe. That's why many people can't live in peace or just let people have their faith and beliefs. You have a bunch of out of control human egos fighting to be the center of the universe. I think you should stop trying to figure out *their* constantly shifting center and center yourself in your own center and your own faith. In your own relationship with God, like you so beautifully wrote the other day. I hope this makes sense and didn't make you feel more uncentered.
from i-am-jack :
That is probably way better than what you heard coming through the walls at Tweaker Square. I am so glad you are out of that place and you have a roof over your head that you really like.
from i-am-jack :
That's really good and pretty amazing that many college students stay quiet most of the time. I'm glad you have a nice place to live.
from i-am-jack :
That's crappy about the party people starting up just as you wanted to get to bed. For some reason I imagined your apartment complex being full of mostly older quiet people who liked it that way. A friend of mine recommended those noise reducing ear muffs. I got some and they have saved my sanity this summer. They don't completely silence everything and seem to work least effectively on the noise people want to get rid of the most, but they help a lot. It's like there is a wall of silence and you hear a much smaller faint version of the big noise and most of the ambient noise mostly disappears. I just wish you could sleep in them. They are too big, hard and clunky for that.
from wordwhore :
I was referring to the example which I saw on Facebook, the one which prompted the whole pair of entries in the first place. "Saying 'identifies as' is a microaggression." I wholly disagree.
from illusionless :
Commenting on the -Mental Disaster- entry, I do agree the world has become lax when it comes to pot as opposed to when it was illegal and seen as a drug like any other. If you feel you have a problem then it doesn't matter what the masses think. Only you know for sure and if you want help for it then you can get it if you so choose. It's up to you. I've had things in my life that people wouldn't classify as addictions, but I do. I know my thought processes and how certain behaviours affect me and invoke a response. I can empathize with your entry. Hope you're well and safe. Take care.
from wordwhore :
Thanks for sharing the link to that wiki. Having read it, I believe I was correct. Glad it was of benefit to you.
from illusionless :
Thanks. :)
from illusionless :
Hi. I don't think I have your user/pass can you please e-mail it to me?
from i-am-jack :
Also I wonder if you are starting to experience some burnout with the musical, maybe even a drop in mood, though not necessarily depression, because that's the other side of high energy/passion and the highs aren't infinitely sustainable. Having issues with people may have started your mood drop.
from i-am-jack :
The garbage pickers story is really creepy. I hope it isn't starting to get unsafe around your apartment. It sounds like a nice quiet place most of the time.
from i-am-jack :
"I understand Him to be -- outside of preachers, outside of sermons, outside of anything other than the research of my own heart." That is really beautiful!
from wordwhore :
Good luck with the demo. Hopefully Dave will do the whole thing.
from i-am-jack :
Also your commentary on the Care button and it being used weird is funny. The way you broke it down is hilarious. "Would anyone come up to a musician after a set and say: "I really cared about your great jam in the middle of Summertime?" It is weird, looking at it that way. But I think they mean they care about you and what you are doing/your life though I know how you feel about that word, especially having to hear it thrown around and so condescendingly when you were homeless. The Facebook face doesn't mean it in a pity way but a softer version of love way I think. Though love is another word that gets thrown around a lot.
from i-am-jack :
117!!! Damn! Is that normal or is that severe global warming? I always thought it was cooler where you live or about the same as MI. It never gets that hot here. The highest it usually goes is 103 during a heatwave/emergency. Summer is mostly 90 now with some 80's mixed in. Most of my life it had been mostly 80's until about now through August, we got 90's and maybe a heat wave. It's definitely changed in just the last several years here. And I feel you on the onset of old age and Big City Stress. For me, it's the onset of Middle Age and Big City stress. My patience is wearing thinner and thinner with the young punk asses taking over this area. And no, me and my friends were never like that. Not even close. I am starting to identify more and more with being "an older person" and call myself an old crank (have been since I was young) and people laugh but it's true! I laugh too.
from i-am-jack :
My sister definitely was burdened at a very young as the family caregiver. She played therapist to my mom all the time. My mom was either actually gone (running around) or absent because she was drugged up. My sister just assumed the role because someone had to and she is naturally like that. The sad thing is our whole family is mentally ill. She was just the one who ended up shouldering it all, and her own.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you have a new sound designer and are moving forward. Hopefully he will work out. It's never a good idea to suppress your better judgement or not listen when something is telling you something. But we all do it. Especially when we really want something. As for brain maturity, I have heard that too but mileage definitely differs individually, and we are always learning more about it. But it's a safe general fact. My sister has always been mature, wise and older for her age, being forced to take care of me and my brother as a middle child. They tend to get the hardest role. I am mentally the baby as the oldest, strangely enough. My brother was the golden child and had the doting of being the actual baby and all the rewards of being the "oldest" instead of me.
from wordwhore :
Enjoy your time off. Glad your chest pain did not return.
from wordwhore :
Regarding chest pains, when you combine it with the dizziness and all the stress, it sounds concerning. I hope you will get checked out. Be well.
from i-am-jack :
As for the kids, it's hard sometimes to remember they are not functioning at the same maturity level, even if they are mature for their age. My therapist reminds me of this all the time with the Ghost, since there is an age gap. They are past of age, so it's not inappropriate. Anyway, the Ghost is more mature than their peers to the point of feeling all their friends are dumb and wishes they were in my age group. But they still the age they are. Because of that advanced maturity, I hold them to a more adult standard than I should. And I have to be reminded all the time. It helps to remember what you and your friends were like then.
from i-am-jack :
I agree with Nick the email wasn't that bad. I think your anger and frustration were justified and you expressed it without going too far. Some people really don't listen or worse, won't, and it's totally human to finally have enough. You were being too nice for too long. I do the same thing. I go from doormat to in their face pissed off and they can't figure it out. We all have to figure out the right balance. I think you are handling it respectfully even when you are angry.
from i-am-jack :
Damn, I am sorry everything went down the way it did. I don't have musical training, so I don't understand technically, but even I understand you just wanted that one part fixed and that's it. Not all the extra liberties he took. It reminds me of when a band remasters a classic and adds all this extra dumb crap that doesn't belong. Maybe you weren't as nice about it as you feel you should have been, but after all that, I don't blame you for letting him have it. I hope you can mend your friendship, even though you cannot work together.
from wordwhore :
I can't tell from your latest entry if the workshop is maybe back on in some fashion? Sounds like it is, but maybe I've misunderstood. If not, I can certainly understand your despair. Best to you.
from i-am-jack :
I emailed you the part of your entry I left the last note about. I didn't want to put it here with people's names being in it.
from i-am-jack :
I think you were being forward, rather than putting him on the spot. Though sometimes that can happen a little when we are forward. Also this is my least favorite holiday, at least living in this neighborhood. It was the usual barrage non stop for about 4 hours and now I get to hear it all the time (though in smaller bursts) until about Halloween. Someone set off one of the really big formerly illegal ones at 9am, just one, just because they could.
from illusionless :
I don't blame you. My American friends all seem to be saying that lately. Canada is far from perfect as well. Everywhere is chaotic right now.
from i-am-jack :
I'm all caught up again. ;^) I am reading, even if I am reading your entries like a book.
from wordwhore :
Your functionality is precious and I use this metaphor often: you have to put your mask on first in the airplane before you try to put on someone else's.
from wordwhore :
My father used religion as a weapon most of my life, so admittedly for that and other reasons I never followed the non-Jesus part of Bible as closely as many at the same level of faith I once had did,, but I guess my stance has always been that I cannot fathom of an acceptable version of God that would let child murderers and abusers and the truly heinous off the hook without any sort of remorse on their part. As for PTSD, yes, I believe that is one of my many mental health afflictions. Never formerly diagnosed, but have been triggered badly enough once that I locked myself in a room with all the guns for 24 hrs because O stood up from his chair during an argument, I'm pretty sure I qualify.
from wordwhore :
I'm going to respond in a 2nd entry.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah he and the reach of his toxic cloud, even if it is second hand through other people, seems unending. And he absolutely is fucking with me even if just at the passive aggressive catty level.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I am around. I caught up on a few days of entries yesterday. I have just been beyond exhausted with a bunch of shit on my end.
from wordwhore :
Definitely disrespectful of him, more so because you have asked him to stop, and I certainly feel the situation has changed from what it once was.
from wordwhore :
I've been guilty in the distant past of asking if you'd taken your meds and for that I do apologize. It was not my place. I was coming in with my own biases from my father and projecting them on you. We've obviously made up since then, but I don't know if I ever apologized fully before, and as the opportunity arose, I wanted to do so.
from wordwhore :
Hurray for unexpected money!
from wordwhore :
Don't have any insights on any of your posts at present, but I am reading along. Hope you enjoy the day.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for your comment. Yeah, guilt does make it really hard to be yourself and live your own life. I was so happy for you when you got the place you have now and got out of Tweaker Square.
from i-am-jack :
Wow I'm surprised you have never had gummy candy. Growing up, I had it all the time. It started as bears, then became other shapes like worms, then fruits, etc. There are both CBD ones and THC ones in some states. My best friend old roomate lives in CO and they have so much of that stuff. They even make grown up THC versions of popular kids candies, like sour patch kids, which I don't agree with.
from wordwhore :
I take CBD gummies. They have no THC, so there is no high, only the calming & mood-lifting affects of the CBD. Maybe pain-fighting too, though I'm not sure I've experienced that. They also help me sleep if I take them before bed.
from wordwhore :
Thank you.
from i-am-jack :
I completely agree with you on the Portland thing. I don't even want to get started on the far extreme left. I think you were right in putting it out there that you don't want to write on the topic anymore and why. You don't need this in your life. I hope you find a way to decompress after all that and have a good day.
from wordwhore :
Sleep paralysis is never ever pleasant, is often terrifying, and sometimes what worked before does not work the next time to get out. If I can relax and hum, I'm usually okay and wake up, but it's the relaxing part thats tricky—especially in times when there is some evil being coming at you in the dream. Glad you were able to ride it out. I hope your meeting goes/went better than expected.
from wordwhore :
That sounds promising!
from wordwhore :
Hopefully therapy went well and helps much. Glad you were able to find the words for the email.
from wordwhore :
It is gross, for sure. And so exhausting.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you have such a wise and good friend.
from jimbostaxi :
She is very talented. Just listened to it again and sounds great. Wish I could say something more constructive. Thanks for the note! I hate flipping out cause now I'm like a broken record saying ,, I'm sorry,, I'm sorry,, etc
from jimbostaxi :
Oops, (you are) I meant
from jimbostaxi :
Your too kind sir! :)
from wordwhore :
I did indeed eat and feel a bit better. And I've sent you the out of gas story now.
from wordwhore :
I'm going to send you an email.
from wordwhore :
Glad it worked out! Reminds me of the time we ran out of gas 1000 miles from home. A story for another time.
from i-am-jack :
I didn't know that she didn't manage your regular money anymore, just the donations. And I agree that would definitely be wrong and I'd never suggest that or think you would do it.
from wordwhore :
Hope you were able to get the cash for the show!
from wordwhore :
Thanks for your note. I agree, re-examining later is good.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note and offer my friend. Today, I woke up from a nap and I saw Soccara missing. I wandered around calling her name out and just heard deafening silence. I became confused and scared and then I recalled she is staying with my daughter. My next realization was how many days and nights will I wake up calling her name when she is really gone. That shit is super depressing,, and ,,, I can't even think about what state of mind I will be in when it happens.
from illusionless :
Thanks. I'm sure I will feel better. Congrats on your 3 month anniversary of getting your shot. :)
from i-am-jack :
That is so great that you are making amends and have no more rage left. It's also great to hear you are getting your cast back and found a good therapist. It really is hard to find a good one. I hope things work out with the job.
from i-am-jack :
You could probably find something online, even if it is for kids. The kids ones would make it fun and not overwhelming.
from i-am-jack :
The Nyandi one. And yes I am a fast reader. Back in middle school we had Reading Lab once a week. It was different stations that helped you learn things like speed read. As silly as it sounds, I really have Reading Lab to thank for a lot of my reading and comprehension skills.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is a beautiful story! Congratulations on reuniting and all the pieces coming together.
from i-am-jack :
I also see the theme of Norman giving you well intended but bad advice in the dream.
from wordwhore :
That's just wonderful. I know how heavy that loss has been on your heart for a long time.
from wordwhore :
Thanks! Feeling much better now
from i-am-jack :
Wow! Congratulations! That must feel amazing! I am so happy for you.
from wordwhore :
That is amazing and wonderful news!
from jimbostaxi :
Thank you very much! Occasionally, I churn a decent one out lol :)
from jimbostaxi :
Congrats on the job Father Muskoid.! :) i think if we ever did that run ill buy you a hat like father Guido Sarducci :)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on getting the job. That's cool that you can finally get paid, instead only volunteering.
from wordwhore :
Thank you. I truly appreciate that from you.
from wordwhore :
Hope the run went well. Good luck with the job!
from jimbostaxi :
Sounds like the start of a good story. Did you hear the one about the priest, writer, and cab driver? Lol The three of us drive around the country while you heal them. Jack writes and Jimbo’s behind the wheel.
from i-am-jack :
Hey just letting you know I got in. The password worked. Hopefully you got that sleep.
from wordwhore :
Sounds like a lot has happened since I last caught up with you! I hope cutting out the pot again helps you be your best self. Just like any other medication, when the side effects outweigh the benefits, it's time to reassess, and especially when there is a history of addiction factored in. I know just what you mean about listening to other people over your own instincts. I have gotten much, much better about it, but I used to think anyone who sounded confident knew what they were talking about and I must be wrong. Often to my detriment. Hope you got some rest!
from i-am-jack :
*across water
from i-am-jack :
I'm pretty sure it is a common dream experience. Even some of the places are the same. I dream of seeing train tracks going across what looks like a dark swampy, foggy lake and my sister and some people she knows have also seen train tracks going across a water. I know I have seen art of it before. I can resend the email. I'd love to hear about some of your recurring dream places when you remember some.
from i-am-jack :
I have a lot of dream places I visit a lot, and yeah you do know you are there again. Many of mine are unsettling in some way, but not all of them. I dream of a few really bad malls. In one, it always gets shot up or something and I know it's coming. Another one, you can not leave. I end up lost in the basement in a maze, riding in scary elevators. Sometimes I make it to the parking lot, but can't get out or somehow am back in the basement again. This is a theme in general, but I dream of that mall a lot.
from i-am-jack :
You know, most of the time I was just experiencing it as it was happening. It wasn't sleep paralysis, but I wasn't lucid dreaming either. The garden gate was a place I have been in other dreams, many times. I am usually at some kind of party, but it's weird because two different yards are connected by this weird hedge thing. Almost like those hotel rooms that are connected by a door inside. There is just a really weird not good feeling about it that I can't describe, despite the place and the garden itself being beautiful.
from wordwhore :
I'm glad your mother experience was a positive one. My mother certainly made sacrifices for us as well.
from jimbostaxi :
Awww, thanks bud. :) life gets exhausting constantly feeling like I'm pushing a boulder uphill. It's like fuuuuuck enough already just let me get ahead of the game once. Nice having you around too!
from wordwhore :
Thank you, I'm glad it was of value to you
from wordwhore :
Helps a lot with my anger.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks, I didn't want to get it but peer pressure got to me. Lol
from wordwhore :
I've definitely experienced that level of triggering from comments, where it ruined my whole day. Thankfully, that last round only lasted an hour or so and I mostly had it under control. I think because I've started trying to use less anger in my replies and find more constructive ways to try and make them reconsider their positions. I also know how to recognize those who won't change their minds and just block them instead of responding. But the better plan is still to just leave it alone. Because sometimes the anger wins. For a while I was typing out as hateful a reply as I wanted... and then deleting it without posting it. That helped me to stop feeling the need to reply so much.
from wordwhore :
Thanks. Yeah, it wasn't great. Sounds like you're figuring a lot of things out. I'm glad.
from i-am-jack :
It is very scary and it's crazy someone can wield that kind of untouchable formidable power and be that stupid at the same time. As for the quote, we can only hope that's right/true.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for leaving me a note. Yeah, it has been a while, a long while since my last entry. It almost feels like that was a different world then and it was just 3 months ago. I wish I knew what comedian said it, but someone said these days you can practically write "We Didn't Start The Fire" each week, as fast as shit is coming and happening. At least to me, it feels like time is moving slower, but more is packed into it, which doesn't make sense. But yeah I thought the Twitter thing was a small victory and a move in the right direction. But I am not sure if his power and influence is diminishing or if it has just moved underground where it's even more dangerous. It is a breath of fresh air for now though.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, glad to have you back in the mix! Thanks for the kind words. :)
from wordwhore :
Thank you! Whirlwind is probably accurate. I'm behind on yours, but will try to catch up.
from jimbostaxi :
Sorry for the delay getting back to you. I haven't been on here except for replying to notes and emails (occasionally ill put up an entry.) Things are ok over here just trying to figure life out. In my downtime, I sleep a lot so it's hard to shake the cobwebs out of my brain.
from musikoid :
zap
from wordwhore :
Friend, you seem to be (or have recently been) spinning out, and I am sorry that is the case. I know from experience that it sucks. I hope you can get centered and have some peace again soon. Best.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, everything is good. Hope all is well with you.
from i-am-jack :
If it makes you feel better, I have never once thought "What kind of a weird trip is Andy on?" I think like anything *we* notice the little perceived flaws and mistakes about ourselves but no one else does.
from i-am-jack :
That or they correct one imbalance and create even more. You have probably seen the happy little commercial where the cartoon lady is talking about her tardive dyskinesia like it's perfectly okay her meds caused this, she can just take another medication with its own side effects and problems.
from i-am-jack :
I know exactly what you mean by meds affecting your natural energy level and motivation.
from wordwhore :
Good luck with the new meds!
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I have been reading. I know you don't live in a bubble, insulated from the world right now, but it's strangely comforting and gives me a sense of normalcy reading your entries for some reason. Maybe because despite everything your show is going on and things seem to be coming together and going really well. I'm glad you have that. I hope you can keep your mood and mind in a good place. For what it's worth, I think you are a musical genius.
from wordwhore :
Good luck with your energy levels. Thanks for your note. Yes I lack a shower here. Or hot water. I was using a kettle and a camp shower and that became tedious. But I may swap back to it.
from wordwhore :
Glad your interaction was better this time! Been wondering how you were.
from i-am-jack :
It's good to read you again. ;^)
from wordwhore :
I understand a bit better about the $ now. That makes sense. Pausing for reflection is something I am still working on. It can be very difficult. Thanks for your notes.
from wordwhore :
2 bits of great news! My advice (which you did not ask for) is try to leave the $ there for your needs and don't give in to the instinct to give it all away. I'm sure that's why it was put there, to spend on your needs, and as you often have struggles at month's end, I know I'd be relieved to see you weren't having to struggle for a while. It is of course for you to do with as you will, but I hope you'll opt to take care of yourself. You *are* worthy of it, you know. Best.
from wordwhore :
I'm glad your Christmas was good! I still have to fight my impulses regarding texting when angry. I realized a few years ago that fighting via text, when I am a writer whose business is words, was a very bad idea. Because I know how to choose the most vicious ones and they may not realize the connotations of the words they've chosen because they don't live in that world of written nuance that I do. You being a writer also, I can imagine you might have similar experiences. Plus we both have that internal well of rage that gets us in trouble because it messes around with our impulse control.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note. I agree with you on COVID being a part of life now. Thank you for the good luck. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
from i-am-jack :
Merry Christmas!
from wordwhore :
Exciting stuff! Merry Christmas!
from wordwhore :
Thank you so much! That compliment is very kind and much appreciated.
from wordwhore :
I hope you can work thru your funk. I never know when it is better to embrace my bad mood & ride it out, "sit in my feelings" as it were, or try to distract myself to get in a better place. The answer isn't simple because it isn't always the same. Some moods need navel-gazing to work through and others need to be fixed before they take control. Hope you find that balance for yourself.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the info. I love heartwarming.
from jimbostaxi :
It's a winter wonderland outside but it's impossible to enjoy with all the wind. Just dropped by to wish you a safe and Merry Christmas!
from wordwhore :
Forgiveness and hope are definitely intertwined. I wish you strength.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it's weird. I am used to the tub and like how it makes me slow down and relax, but sometimes I develop this really bad anxiety around it if I go too long without getting in. It is more like a temporary phobia more than an enemy. I actually really like that tub, my bathroom as small and odd as it is and once I get in, it feels good. Waiting too long is definitely a huge part of the problem. There is a name for it. Sometimes people with anxiety or depression have certain things they have trouble with and keep putting off until it becomes this huge thing, even if it is something relatively simple and easy. For some reason it becomes this huge terrifying dragon of a task they have to face. The longer they wait, the bigger and more intimidating it becomes. I really don't want to develop a full on phobia of something that I like and well need to do. I need to do better for both my mental and physical health. I just need to do it.
from illusionless :
Glad to hear I'm not the only one feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm glad you enjoyed the Zoom production. Let's take it all in for another year! ^_^
from musikoid :
So you're used to the tub as opposed to the shower, which seems foreign and in fact aggressive toward you when you happen to wind up in one. I can see where the shower would be altogether like an enemy, whereas the tub is only a temporary enemy due to the immediate factors you describe. I think I get it. I'm just concerned that the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become.
from i-am-jack :
Oh I live in a house built in the 30's and I have a clawfoot tub. The bathroom is more of a "bathroom-ette" and is so small I sit sideways on the toilet and suggest guests to too. The room is shaped like a triangle and there is no room for a full standup shower. I have gotten so used to it after 20 years, that when I do use a shower somewhere else it feels really aggressive being pelted with water. I appreciate the speed, but prefer the more relaxed tone of the tub. If I consistently use it, I enjoy it. When I get in that space, I develop a horrible anxiety around but once I get in, it's usually not a big deal. Part of the problem is I have had several panic attacks in the tub and had a few blood sugar drops. I make sure I eat before getting in now. It is both an unfounded but not totally unfounded thing.
from wordwhore :
Thanks for your thoughts. The deleted entry was definitely ugly, to my mind. I seem to be back to myself again, for now at least. Let's hope it sticks for a while.
from musikoid :
Note:
from musikoid :
Test.
from wordwhore :
Thanks so much! Hope you enjoy it. Glad reading the post worked out. I liked her post as well
from wordwhore :
Thanks for your notes. I'm sorry I triggered unpleasantness for you with my entry. Hopefully it will lead to you being able to work thru some things and feel better on the other side. Hugging is a bone of contention for a lot of people, even outside the pandemic. Several people I know just... don't like it. But they are forced to by their families as being part of society's mandates. I hated all of that as a child. I was lucky in that my mother allowed me to say no, I don't want to, when I was little. I'd say I was out of hugs or kisses or whatever. Not sure if I came up with that or she did. But hugging is very much like a dog exposing its belly. It's a vulnerable state you shouldn't enter if you aren't comfortable and don't feel safe. Best.
from illusionless :
You haven't told me that before. I'm glad it speaks to you. I hope you're well these days. I'm doing alright. Done Christmas shopping and doing my best to feel the holiday spirit.
from wordwhore :
I can still see your entries using the un pw that I had
from wordwhore :
It works!
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, thanks for the note! Yeah, Every so often I have to put. what's swirling around in my head on the page for an update. Maybe one day it will be more upbeat.
from musikoid :
Test.
from illusionless :
Understood. A quiet life is best. Less stress. I hear ya. I hope the vaccine comes sooner than what I think too! Now that Biden is in I think things will improve. I will pray for your continued success.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the note. I'm sorry you don't get much human contact either. It sucks the election is taking so long and become this huge thing. It must be stressful living in the U.S. right now. I am glad you at least have human to human contact a couple times a week. I can see how you would feel attached. It's human instinct. We're all lonely and reaching out. Humanity was not meant to live like this. About the vaccine, I doubt any safe/working vaccine will be available until early 2022 at the earliest, but that's my guess. I hope I'm wrong. The sooner we get back to normal the better!
from i-am-jack :
It's sad but I feel better knowing I am not the only one who feels that way. I also realized this is the only place online I feel comfortable or safe enough talking about any of this.
from wordwhore :
I misread your note at first and thought you said "I colored the whole day." And I thought, well, I guess that's as good a coping mechanism as any... then came back to my notes today and realized what it actually said. 🤦🏼‍♀️
from wordwhore :
That must have been a hard letter to read, but giving you a renewed sense of purpose will hopefully be a good thing. Best.
from i-am-jack :
While becoming too dependent or even codependent is not ideal, sometimes it's better than being left to your own devices when you really shouldn't be.
from i-am-jack :
I really think you should look into both. Maybe it could help? I don't know much about it from experience, the closest I come is feeling like people think I am a lot smarter than I am and I worry about them noticing or realizing how dumb I am. That or thinking I am a nice person, but getting to know me better and discovering I am a chocolate covered turd. I don't know if that counts for Imposter Syndrome. I know too much about self sabotage.
from i-am-jack :
If I actually go to the party, it depends on who is there and if I want to be there or felt obligated to be. If I want to be there then I am usually one of the last to leave, if I don't want to be there, I leave after the first person leaves. However, most of the time, I am an introverted party pooper that doesn't go to most things anymore. All my friends know maybe means 90% chance of no. Like you said, it isn't antisocial, just introverted.
from jimbostaxi :
Keep your fingers crossed she might settle down with a good guy eventually and give you one. :)
from jimbostaxi :
I walked around with one of my granddaughters for a little while. I had no costume on but I definitely would have said, ”I'm Fat Bastard” if anyone asked. Lol
from musikoid :
Zap?
from i-am-jack :
It's okay. Take your time.
from i-am-jack :
Also I know *exactly* what you mean by needing that weekly check in. My therapist has been squeezing me in a second time, though I feel like I need constant sessions like in the old program.
from i-am-jack :
I am not sure if you know about Imposter Syndrome, but it sounds like you have it. The sense of them finding you out is a huge part of it. The brunt of it is not being able to fully believe in yourself or that your talents are real and there for are not able to fully receive admiration. Somehow you feel like you are tricking them that you are talented. My sister had it with her art and even with weight loss. I don't think you also being a regular person takes away from your talents at all. We all are regular people at the end of the day.
from i-am-jack :
It's not just Diaryland, but wherever we find those little pockets of friends. Our lives are not the same without them and theirs are not the same without us. In real life, I can be a party pooper a lot and think they will have just as good a time if I am not there. But they insist "Nooo, it's just not the same without you there." I understand your proces, but it isn't the same without you here.
from wordwhore :
Self-esteem, sense of self-worth, they're difficult to come by and 1000s of compliments and accolades can never truly replace them. It is possible to stop feeling unworthy, though.. I am proof.. I don't have the secret formula or I'd give it to you. You just have to keep at it. Think of all you've accomplished in the last several years alone! No small amount, for sure. I have faith you'll get there,, is what I am trying to say. Best.
from jimbostaxi :
Got it I’m in. Thanks
from jimbostaxi :
I'm drawing a blank on my password and for the life of me, I don't know what I did with the newest one. Sorry :(
from i-am-jack :
"DiaryLand just wouldn't be the same without me. And the world wouldn't be the same without DiaryLand." I agree. ;^)
from wordwhore :
I noticed you weren't posting and then had it redirecting again, so I figured you must be going thru some stuff.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you got sleep! I fall apart fast too if I don't get any. I know what you mean by tossing and turning and making weird noises. The one that strikes me in the night is intense rage.
from i-am-jack :
If you were *supposed* to die in a gutter, you would have. There are obviously bigger plans and purpose for you! <3 I'm glad you made it out and are here.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you worked things out with K.
from i-am-jack :
It's interesting in a synchronicity way. I looked up Matthew 7:3-5 I remember that one. Yesterday and even continuing is this theme of looking at myself, my part in things, and the theme of everything being seen through a lens whether it's clear or not. I am being prompted to think about and look at my own lens.
from i-am-jack :
Oh okay I probably got it mixed up honestly, only having two K's in mind and both of them involved with the musical. It can definitely be hard to see your own part in things, but it's a sign of maturity and makes things better in the long run for yourself and everyone around you.
from i-am-jack :
You didn't put me off at all. I have just not been in a good place. I can't remember what you wrote or where, but I thought she was bossy and nosy and it did not go over well with a lot of people so she did not have a lot friends. There seemed to be an element of you having compassion for her and seeing the good in her and putting up with the bad.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting you know I have been reading and keeping up, just haven't been commenting much. It sounds like maybe you need to let Kelsey go if she is making things harder instead of assisting you. From what I gather, it sounds like her credentials appeal to you but you don't work well together. She doesn't seem dedicated or even like she's doing the work to do her job and even over stepping her place a bit. My advice is let her go. Even if you feel sorry for her because no one likes her. She doesn't seem to appreciate any of it anyway.
from wordwhore :
Hopefully by now you've figured it all out! Communicating, especially via text, can be incredibly frustrating.
from wordwhore :
Glad you found a creative outlet 10.18
from catsoul :
10.12.2020. Hi. Your previous user name and password were sobriety and brainwash. If this wasn't you, then I am confused and sorry to bother you. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
10.12.2020. Hi. I got a new laptop. So I have to reenter everything. So you you email me your username and PW please at: [email protected] Thank you. Peace. =^..^=
from illusionless :
It is, but I went through the same thing with Easter so I can handle it.
from wordwhore :
Ever since I started letting the dog be my alarm clock, I've slept so much better
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for your note. Maybe regrouping is the right word? Maybe there is an element of letting a lot go at once, that I never wanted to carry or be engaged with in the first place. I have grown weary of the world and what a toxic environment it has become. I waste too much of my energy on and for other people and don't work on or take care of myself. Whatever is going on, I have to make this shift. I have a feeling it's the first step to better shifts and hopefully a better me and a better life.
from i-am-jack :
Welcome back! ;^)
from wordwhore :
stay strong, friend.
from illusionless :
"it's that our natural human need for regular contact has been suppressed for so long that people are being driven crazy by it." You hit the nail on the head right there! Couldn't have said it better. :)
from illusionless :
People have become very lax about it in Canada as well. I don't think it's due to disbelief as much as it's about being sick and tired of being cooped up and having to live like this. I think it goes against human nature because humans, in general, are naturally social and outgoing creatures. I hope your depression lifts soon. Thank you for the well wishes regarding my step-dad. I'll write about things once I know more. I'm sorry for the scares around you regarding covid. Watching the horrendous experience videos over Facebook doesn't help. All we can do is our own part and let others do what they do, right or wrong. Stay well and safe ok? Sending prayers your way. :)
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry you're depressed. I've struggled with it all day. Mine never got as bad as it often does, but it sounds like yours took you pretty far down. I hope you can find some optimism soon. I know it is not an easy thing. Be well, friend.
from wordwhore :
It's difficult when events align in that way. Im glad you're feeling better. I can't vote yet or I would have. Soon and then I'll put the whole thing to bed too.
from lust- :
Oooh experiment?! I'm intrigued!
from jimbostaxi :
Yes! We were very excited about that. Hopefully, her progress continues and I can take my head out of the oven :) thanks for the notes! :)
from i-am-jack :
I read today's entry and got your note. I look forward to reading it, I love the Tuesday Tune Ups. But no hurry. I hope you can find some peace.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for the compliment. I am pretty cathartic, but there are things I don't talk about or very often. I do stop myself sometimes if I am being too abrasive even for me, so I can't say that don't care what people think or write dance like no one's watching. Especially because I am locked now. Still it's my cathartic outlet and I write like I don't even expect people to read it. But I remember what it was like when lots of people were. I think the whole not caring what people think thing is complicated. Everyone cares what someone or certain people think. We want people to be authentic. We want real. Not someone who is as they say these days "doing it for likes". I love the sayings "You do you." and "Live your best life". However, while we generally don't want people to be people pleasers, we definitely don't want the other side of that coin either. Narcissists, sociopaths and just self centered heartless people. It's a balancing act of being true to yourself and the people around you but also being a decent human being.
from i-am-jack :
We're good. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't unintentionally making it worse somehow. As a social species, it *is* deeply hard wired in us. From the time we are infants, there is this need to feel accepted. It's equally important for survival as the physical needs. You can't get any more hard wired than that. Before modern times, we needed each other to survive. We had to work together for everything. Even though times are different now and we won't die, there is still this primal social fear of being ostracized. I believe it is very close to being instinctual and one of our Reptilian brain's deepest fears. The nature of sites like this can bring those feelings/fears up. It doesn't help that we live in such weird times.
from i-am-jack :
I hope I didn't say something that rubbed you the wrong way. I am not disagreeing with you at all and it isn't my place to. I respect and understand and get what you are saying. And I agree that at least 99% of the time people are bullshitting about that.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, I don't think you talk too much. You write more than some people, but so do I. I find you, your life and your thoughts very interesting and often relatable. But at the same time, I understand your need for a private outlet and what a diary means to you. If it makes you feel any better, everyone starts to feel that sense of "I put too much of myself out there" sometimes, if they are on any kind of social outlet, especially if they are an open book. I experiences it myself in the past when I was unlocked and at my height of "fame" on this site. Many other people who write online and many of my favorite Youtubers experience this from time to time.
from wordwhore :
I used to think about who was reading, but I had to let go of that. I simply *need* a place to say what I can't say elsewhere. I still use nicknames even though most of the people who read know me on Facebook by now because maybe habit, but also maybe it helps disassociate my entries from the actual people in my life for my readers. Also, I just assume people who read what I say spend way less time thing about what I've said than I spent thinking about what I was writing. And often, once I have written an entry, I forget it. Writing it down and hitting the submit button is my casting my bad feelings into the fire, I suppose. Your own mileage may vary, obviously, and if it isn't doing you a service, then why continue? On the other hand, if it is, if venting here saves you from venting at someone else (I can't remember how you worded it in the entry) while in a highly charged state, then maybe it *is* worth continuing. Only you know for sure. I wish you well in your decision making.
from wordwhore :
No, no, not offended at all. I do think there should be a word between spiritual and religious. Somewhere between "wears a caftan 24/7 and steals ideas from 11 different Asian religions, 2 talk show hosts, and a gap commercial" and "rigid, close-minded, judgemental, uptight, wouldn't know a joke if walked up and introduced itself, believes they alone will escape hell because everyone else is a sinner." Which are obviously the extreme examples of negative associations for those 2 words, but a word that places you somewhere in the middle ground between too serious and not serious enough in people's minds.
from wordwhore :
Yes, sorry, the absolutely that referred to your note - I had not even seen your entry at that point, but would never have have responded that way regardless :) When I said "likely neither" I meant likely neither the way they have decided being spiritual means or the way they have decided being religious means. For instance, some people have an idea of spiritual people as being flighty and or religious people as being rigid. And they make that association regardless of other evidence, if you tell them you are one or the other. I hope that provided clarity and not further obfuscation ;)
from wordwhore :
Absolutely that. As for your entry: The spiritual not religious thing is hard for people to grasp. They have ideas aboutbwhat each other those words means and if you're one you must be one way and if you're the other you must be a different way and the truth is, you are likely neither way, regardless of how you identify. People like their labels and prejudices. They're comfortable, I guess.
from lust- :
Smoke cleansing: It's been used by many Indigenous people and is called Smudging in North America (and maybe other places). Natives typically use white sage for their ceremonies. South American tribes use palo santo. If white folks use these things without knowing the source or the history then they are culturally appropriating since the tradition has gone on for many centuries by folks Indigenous to the lands. In Catholicism, incense is used during prayer. My family uses Indian Sambrani (benzoin/resin) to cleanse spaces. My parents are Catholic so my mom and relatives will typically say a prayer when doing this. I'm not religious, but more spiritual, so I will set an intention to clear the space of negative energy and allow any positive energy, guides, and ancestors to come through if they wish. There's a lot more to it and information is available with a quick search if you're interested in learning more about the history and different cultural aspects. Re: being quiet when first starting a job and the maintenance staff being uncomfortable...maybe it did make them uncomfortable. I think it's just their personalities though. They're both cousins and seem to have a very joking personality, but it's hard to do that with someone you just met, so instead they go the route where they talk about the person and make it seem like a joke...if that makes sense. Basically, not everyone is super witty about their humour. Hah.
from wordwhore :
My sister, actually. My best editor of all the ones I've had because she won't hesitate to tell me exactly where I've gone horribly wrong and how much she hates a character or a scene... but will also tell me when it's a great scene.
from jimbostaxi :
Holy cow batman there's a raging inferno In my pants! Lol
from i-am-jack :
Also another thing about the Seroquel is it helps me sleep. I used to get bad insomnia from working the grave yard shift and if I don't sleep I fall apart and get psychotic fast. Before Seroquel, I took Paxil for about 10 years and got pretty addicted. I still miss the way it felt when it put me to sleep, but after so many years I had no heart beat and felt nothing. It also killed my sex drive which still hasn't recovered.
from i-am-jack :
I just type like that. Even before all the coffee. One time I accidentally reprogrammed the letter keys on my dad's computer, because it had a macro button. Most keyboards don't have that setting and I am not 100% sure what it's for but apparently you can use it to change what the keys do. He wasn't amused and had to fix them all.
from i-am-jack :
The Sunny I am seeing just moved down south somewhere. As far as I know, she has always lived here. Does your Sunny's last name start with E? I am on a low dose of Seroquel but not everything else they would have me on. It does help with my paranoia big time and I remember what I was like before it. I think I should stay on it for now, especially while living in the city. But I am having thoughts about what it might be like to come off. Another reason I keep taking it is I have to be on something for the credibility of my disability case. I am definitely against being drugged brain dead the way these pill pushers want you.
from i-am-jack :
I have a yellow chair in the hoarder room that has some good associations with it. Maybe if I ever get the room cleared out and made into a sort of quiet den, (quieter) I can try it. I have no idea what key or sequence does it either. Another one I set off is the Windows magnifier. That thing is super annoying. I am guessing you type similar to me, fast and all over the place sometimes. I use the backspace all the time, as much as the letters, without thinking about it too much.
from i-am-jack :
I really like the idea of the meditation chair. I wish it was quiet enough around here to try it. Sadly I have mostly had to give it up. It's never quiet. Also I know exactly what you mean by the magic key that deletes everything and there is no undo option.
from i-am-jack :
I have the same problem with relaxing. I have pretty much lost the ability to. You really can't make yourself and trying to relax doesn't work either.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I think it's important to keep things light and not let her see me worried.:)
from musikoid :
Oh I see, I wrote Maggy instead of Mazzy.
from i-am-jack :
About the kid aging out, you might have more time than you think, as long as they want to stay. Often times on TV, 20 year olds are cast as characters that are supposed to be teens.
from i-am-jack :
I thought that was her name too for the longest time.
from i-am-jack :
It's actually Mazzy Star. Fade into You was their big hit. The singer's name is Hope Sandoval and her bandmate's name was David Roback. Sadly he's passed. I love Fade Into You and a few of their songs.
from i-am-jack :
I hope the lonely low mood passes and you feel better soon.
from illusionless :
You didn't offend me at all. Thank you for sharing your opinion with me. I welcome all points of view.
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hope it helps.
from lust- :
My spiritual practice has many components - earthing (walking barefoot in the grass), meditation, yoga, smoke cleansing my space, Oracle and tarot readings, moon and bathing rituals, gratitude journaling...I think that's it. Hah. I try to do them at least four-five times a week. I have morning and nightly rituals. I began meditating regularly after my breakup last November and it has aided me immensely. I even do sleep meditations every night. Anywaaay! That's that. Hope you find the male lead. Will feel really nice when everything comes together.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the note. You made me realize something with your note. If it took something as simple as knowing that I liked her to break off their engagement than obviously it wasn't that solid and something else would have broken it off sooner or later. I highly doubt that would happen and even if it did, that would be her choice. Regardless, I agree with what Jimbo said.
from jimbostaxi :
Fiery redhead! Very nice, good job.
from i-am-jack :
The thing with the green piano sounds like it felt like one of those frustration dreams. That must have been disorienting when you positive you were in the right room and they kept telling you it never was there. But you "knew" it had been. It probably was just an overloaded mistake. But I can empathize, I told you the story about how I was sure my boss hid the coffee basket so I couldn't have any. After telling me I could have as much as I wanted. It was just in the dishwasher. But until I found it I was furious and convinced they'd hidden it for some reason. Now I am wondering if there is a connection between my paranoia and feeling overloaded. I am making overloaded mistakes too lately. Last night I noticed I left the butter out, then immediately forgot again. It was still out this morning and I finally put it away. At least butter can be left out and I didn't have to throw it away.
from wordwhore :
Exciting! Best wishes for it all to go well and for you to get the funding you need!
from i-am-jack :
I actually relate quite a bit being shook up by my own issues with the therapy clinic currently and a lot of it my PTSD too. That's weird that no one notices your hands shaking. Usually my right hand shakes all over the place and my thumb has a mind of its own wagging like a stressed out tail. It really creeps people out and puts them on edge. They seem to think I am going to punch them or something, when really I am in total flight mode. I have to explain I have a nervous twitch. That or try to hide my hand. Also the Zoom thing would have pissed me off too. I'm glad it got better.
from i-am-jack :
Cable companies are notoriously greedy and shady. They purposely make it hard to cancel service and put you through a gauntlet of sales tactics. Sadly they are all like that these days. I'm glad things went well at rehearsal.
from i-am-jack :
I hope everything works out with therapy and congratulations on the exciting news you can't quite tell us yet.
from wordwhore :
I hope you find therapy beneficial. I think it could be a very positive step. Best.
from i-am-jack :
"I have a feeling Tracy might call some kind of three-way meet to smooth things over" I'm sorry I saw the "might" after I posted the note.
from i-am-jack :
I hope the meeting goes well and you all can work together without any conflict.
from lust- :
What city do you live in? Sounds great that there are three yoga studios on the main strip, although competitive for them!
from illusionless :
You're welcome. Glad you sorted it out. :)
from illusionless :
I'm sorry you're having all these conflicting emotions right now. I've had the same issues regarding the sabbath day. Is it okay to work if you're still worshiping The Lord in all you do? Maybe this will help: "Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” Mark 2:27-28. So the sabbath is a gift for us to have a day of rest among the busyness of every other day, but I don't think we HAVE TO take the sabbath day off. It's just encouraged, I think, to give us a day of rest to reflect and revitalize ourselves, but if one wants to work I don't think it's a big deal. Back then Jesus was considered to be working on the sabbath day and he didn't care. I've prayed and asked God if I could choose another day of rest once in a while because I would have things to do on Saturdays sometimes. Generally I try to keep the sabbath day but I don't think it's a big deal if you work on it every once in a while. lol sorry this note came out a little redundant. TAke care.
from i-am-jack :
I didn't catch the deleted entry, but that's a good idea for you to have a deleted folder. I do the same thing but for unposted content. As for the windy lady, maybe the best thing you can do is not engage her. You don't have to talk to her just because she talked to you. Treat her like a troll. Maybe you can even block her on the forum, so you can't see her posts anymore.
from i-am-jack :
This almost comes back to our brief exchange on coincidence and synchronicity and the sense that helps us tell them apart.
from i-am-jack :
I understand what you were saying. We do have some of the traits and imaginations that can run away with us sometimes. If anything, the article helped me understand my dad's mentality better. It's also a bit cautionary. My brother over indulged in some really really strange stuff and he went off the deep end too but in a different and far more insane way. I have always believed in safe guarding your mind and what you allow in to it. You can't control that 100% but you can control quite a bit of it.
from musikoid :
zip
from i-am-jack :
I am definitely not a conspiracy theorist or nut. If anything I try to avoid anything like that. I don't want to hear it and don't want it in my mind or my life. One of the main reasons I disowned my dad is he totally went off the deep end with that stuff. He used to be way smarter than that. Now he believes the moon landing was fake and that entire ball of yarn. He used to not be able to stand those people and now he is one. However this helps me understand a little better how it happened. With me, I don't go looking for that stuff, it finds me. The coincidences with the computer happen far too often and other people have the same experiences. My therapist's husband is ex military and was in surveillance, he is sworn to absolute secrecy but told her it is more terrifying than you can even imagine. And that was many many years ago. Long before all this technology. If anything I tend to err on the side of naive most of the time, but I can't unsee what I see and unnotice what I notice. I think it is also deliberately programmed to be misleading like how the Facebook friends page works. They want us to assume it's a certain way. My best friend old roomate believes it's happening, but it's not a big deal because it's only to sell us stuff. Maybe it's true, but I think that is only part of something bigger.
from i-am-jack :
Forgot to add, was for the specific breed I had mentioned.
from i-am-jack :
I think we both are paranoid but at the same time we have a much higher attention to detail than most. We notice every little thing and how it relates and connects (or doesn't) to every other little thing. So we can connect the dots even when we don't know what picture it's making because it's too big. We connect the dots in our little corner of life. Most people don't have the conversational recall we have. We can remember things like talking about a certain random thing with someone and then getting an ad for it later. When maybe neither of you even had your phones on you. This happened to me with chickens. I was talking about a certain breed (not common at all) and how maybe one day I will have chickens again, if I live in the country. That night I get an ad from my pet chicken.com. It was random conversation and not something I had been remotely looking for online.
from i-am-jack :
It's extremely creepy to the point where I can't even get on sometimes for days or weeks. Then I tell myself, may as well. It's too late. They got my number and everything else. What I think is happening is this is all being done by computers and phones and they are compiling these files on everyone, important or not. Every one. I mean, they even made accomodations for people who don't have smart phones and social media. I have been doing my best to keep out of the eye in the sky and it still knows everything about me. What really creeps me out more than anything else is why? And I have some tin foil hat thoughts on that one. We have an idea of what's going on but we have no idea.
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Best thoughts.
from i-am-jack :
I know exactly what you mean about the paranoia of Facebook knowing your sexual fantasies, but with me it's other coincidences. Youtube and Firefox stories seem to know what I am thinking all the time, even if I never said or typed it out anywhere. I get recommendations based on thoughts all the time. I know it sounds total tin foil hat.
from i-am-jack :
Wow the thing about Facebook is creepy and weird, the deeper true nature of the programming. I would guess the people at the top of my friends list would be the ones I visited most too. Another thing you may or may not know is they play connect the dots with people's phones. These days all phones "talk". They ping off each other and triangulate social patterns. Somehow they accounted for old outdated phones. The people you are around the most offline, also come up as friends suggestions. Especially if you text them and they have Facebook on their phone. Even if it's not on yours and you never gave Facebook your number. They know who we all are. It's creepy as hell.
from i-am-jack :
I looked it up and it said all their beans are Arabica, so no Columbian blends. It sounds like #3 is your blend with Seattle's Best.
from i-am-jack :
I'm pretty sure that #4 is stronger than #3. It basically tastes like French Roast which is considered medium dark. I think you would like it. I have had #3 before and it is good, but #4 is my go-to. Seattle's Best is also my favorite brand. I like it better than Starbucks, which my landlord usually gives me for Christmas. I am the same way about my coffee! I think it's a coffee drinkers thing. You need *your* coffee, *your* way to start the day. I am not up for anything good or bad, until I am at least working on that first cup.
from i-am-jack :
Even when I threw that word around as a kid, I never said it to a woman in anger or as insult and definitely never would now. That is just nasty, low, verbal abuse and I am sorry your daughter got called that. I'm glad she blocked him and you did too after giving him a piece of your mind. I have an idea who he is and I hope he's out of her life for good.
from jimbostaxi :
Yep, fingers crossed! Thanks for the note.
from i-am-jack :
Usually breakfast blends are weak, whether it's coffee or tea. You can tell the strength of Seattle's Best by the number on the bag. Some of the flavors like the vanilla don't have numbers, but the main blends do. I looked at pictures online and strangely their breakfast blend doesn't have a number, but Portside is #3. I remembered you like #3 more than the name of it. I like #4 but it confuses me sometimes looking for the bag because the name is 6th avenue Bistro. Anyway, I feel you on what a frustrating downer it is to start the day with inferior coffee. It throws you off.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, I picked that word up in high school. I figured out after I left my bubble of friends, where we threw it around quite a bit, just how offensive it was. When it offended people who were not offended by much, I got it. And now I almost never use it, except on rare special occasions that call for it. And yes, they are all on a power trip. Everyone from the people at DHS up to the heads of departments. The state level admin people are the absolute worst. They are the ones who come up with all these flaming hoops to sift out as many people as they can. Just let them fall through the holes. You have to be just in the right sweet spot just to get any help and well, survive. I know you know that one. The horrible hospital downtown admitted the beds were hard, the showers cold and the food awful, because they wanted us to leave, especially the homeless people. They wanted to turn beds, like tables at a restaurant.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for reading all that. I actually mean the administrative c*nts at the top, above the people who interact with us patients. I don't use that word a lot, it's the last true offensive word, but it suits them. There are a lot of doctors, therapists, etc who don't care, but it's the people above them that are even worse. They really don't care about people at all, it's all about protocols and of course funding and money. The worst part is they pretend they care then fuck over so many people. I thought eventually I would be in a place where my fear and paranoia of these people would go away and I would be safe. I know I am triggered, but I don't think it ever will. It's so stupid, they are trying to pull the tele-therapy because they don't want to pay for it, when we still need it. They also bully and threaten the people that work with us. My case manager told me that we need to start using their Skype (Doxy or something like that) or she will get written up. She basically was pleading with me! Sad that a great lady that actually cares could lose her job over this if people refuse to use it. I know she wasn't supposed to tell me she'd get written up, but that's how they get treated.
from musikoid :
zap
from wordwhore :
I have faith you will figure it all out. Look at how far you've come. I am so impressed by your growth, truly, and I am certain you're capable of much more.
from wordwhore :
Personally, I feel your diary should be a place where you can freely express yourself and if you don't feel you can do that, then that makes it a less useful place. I know I am a new addition to your current readership,, so if having me reading makes you uncomfortable, I will step away, just say the word, no hard feelings.
from lust- :
I'm a millennial and even I have issues using iPhones. Not my thing. I can't say I completely understand where you're coming from, but I do to a point. Would be nice to go back to simpler times. Have a great day!
from wordwhore :
That's a very interesting way to look at it. It does make sense. Like if you eat out of boredom instead of hunger, you won't feel good about it afterward. Out of season.
from wordwhore :
I used to hate myself for self-love, but then I worked out that every person has those urges. Why would a loving creator create us to fail? I don't believe they would. Sometimes I still have a mood drop after (from the depletion of endorphins), but there generally isn't guilt anymore and I find treating it like eating when hungry or scratching when you itch helps tremendously with viewing it in a less self-hate-inducing light. Your mileage may vary.
from wordwhore :
Thank you. I'm not caught up on you just now, more when I am.
from wordwhore :
Thanks. I'm thinking I've figured out the cause.
from lust- :
Hi! I would like to read your diary. You can email the password to [email protected]
from i-am-jack :
Lifelong attitudes toward one's self don't "exactly vanish overnight." They really don't. We do it in different ways, but we both have this need to be in everyone's good graces. Whoever "they" are.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad that you found a doctor you like. I hope you are able to work with him for a long time. I am not completely medication free, I am still taking a low dose of Seroquel to both help me sleep (if I don't sleep I get psychotic quick) and to keep me from getting too paranoid, delusional etc. Even if I am "not taking enough for it to work" in some of their eyes, I know what the "before" is like compared to now. And there are side effects that I do want anymore of. I suspect my episodes in the middle of the night may be a side effect, similar to how sleeping pills can cause sleep walking. However in their book, I also "need" to be on a higher dose, anti depressants and something for my anxiety. Which makes sense on paper, but not in action, with my I react. You are not even supposed to give anti depressants to bipolar people, which I am.
from i-am-jack :
I know what you mean by feeling the need to explain yourself to everyone. I always feel like I need to justify myself. What helps me is stepping back out of the picture and realizing when it would be appropriate and when it would make things awkward. Saving face is not always a bad thing. You don't always owe everyone. I think it's our low self esteem that makes us want to explain.
from i-am-jack :
It sounds like the doctor's visit went reasonably well. At least he is actually both listening to you as well as paying attention to your demeanor, rather than slapping a diagnosis or worse a bunch of pills on you. It can take years to figure out though and from my experience, you need to stay with the same doctor/therapist etc for the long term, which is not easy with the turn over in that profession. If you can even find the right people at all. I feel you on the meds. I am pretty much adverse to most medication, even stuff meant for my diagnoses. You could very well be ADHD or bipolar but have sensitivity and intolerance to medication. I also know what you mean by giving you the stuff that works. I have been given so many harmful off label use meds it's not funny. They had me on anti seizure medication once! High doses that made me throw up. I had a constant migraine, nausea, vomiting and it began to warp my hearing! As soon as I got out of the hospital, I cold turkeyed that shit. Fuck I will live with my problems. I choose to live with my anxiety because they don't give out proper anxiety medication anymore and anti depressants make me numb and suicidal. Their solution is neutralize me with a bunch of crap into a drooling zombie and get rid of me. So I feel you.
from wordwhore :
Thanks. I'm just catching up with you. Glad the doctor's visit went well. Hope your nausea abates soon.
from illusionless :
I will pray for you at your doctors appointment. As for your note on the Marilyn Manroe quote? I agree with you. Your explanation of it really resonated with me. Thank you.
from i-am-jack :
He might need to get to know you more and see what you are like in various states. Five days off is probably not a long enough time to make any real serious statement diagnoses. Then again, I am not a professional, but I also received a lot of slap dash diagnoses in the hospital, since they only see you for a few days and have to make the best quick assessment they can based on what they see of you at the moment. I actually think it would better news to hear he wants to rule things out at this point. My brother has the same problem but on a massive scale. He does and has done so many drugs, no one knows for sure how much of it is psychosis and how much is drugs. I'll pray for you.
from i-am-jack :
I am all caught up reading. It doesn't drive me crazy that you delete your entries. Especially since you explained your writing process on here to me. Also I got and enjoyed your other notes, that is more an email topic for me. My sister and I can go down that rabbit hole for hours. I think we live in a world of both randomness, coincidence and synchronicity. But it's that "sense" (much more accurate word than feeling) that helps us sort it all out. I think we receive the messages in whatever language we will notice and understand. But sometimes you wonder are you just "seeing faces in the woodgrain" sorta speak. Usually when I wonder that, I get an even bigger confirmation sign that I can not deny or ignore.
from illusionless :
Got it! Thank you very much. I've already read a couple entries. Sounds like you're doing pretty well over all. Happy to hear it. :)
from jimbostaxi :
My dream happened then a few hours later downstairs tenant was hospitalized. Who knows maybe that's it or it means nothing. Lol
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note Andy. It's wonderful to hear from you again. :) No, I don't have your most recent password. May I have it please? You can send it to my e-mail. If you don't have it anymore let me know and I'll give it to you again. Hope all is well.
from i-am-jack :
Interesting. That's really weird.
from jimbostaxi :
Ahhh yes that was a freaky kind of interesting. I don't really have dreams like that so least it was a change of pace.
from i-am-jack :
Maybe the person that's supposed to see it is you and maybe it's the beginning of a theme. Sometimes there can be repeating coincidence for a while, until you figure it out or get the message. You just know. You just have that feeling it means something. For me, it has been shooting stars. I know it's the time of year, (I haven't caught the perseids yet despite being up early late and looking) but I have seen more individual shooting stars this summer, than in my whole life probably.
from jimbostaxi :
Dream? I think that notes for someone else.
from wordwhore :
And best of luck with the lyrics. Nature probably will help!
from wordwhore :
That's actually the best way for me to make those connections, is in that form
from i-am-jack :
That's great that it went well.
from wordwhore :
It sounds like the musical is finally coming together. I'd like that for you.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you were able to safe guard your boundaries and not feel bad about it.
from i-am-jack :
My landlord drove past a little league game and he said it was the same thing. It has been a block party here all summer. Every summer has to out do the last, pandemic or not. Are we having a party or a pandemic? It's hard to tell.
from wordwhore :
Thanks for your note. My back is nearly better.
from jimbostaxi :
Sending healing prayers your way! I still never went to see if I have COVID-19 antibodies, I probably should get that checked out.
from i-am-jack :
I really like your entry about negative negativity. There is a lot of truth in that concept. I think we all need to think about that sometimes so we don't get stuck in it.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, feel free to improvise,,, so your saying that’s too far away?
from jimbostaxi :
I'm sorry, your in the dumps my brother.... ask one of those nice ladies to go for a jog,,, or bingo! You got to be in it to win it! :)
from wordwhore :
You're not a mutant monster. I'm sorry you're feeling the loneliness so acutely. I hope you can alleviate it soon.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad when you re-read the message to both of them that you didn't see any problem with it. I think you are handling it very well and maybe more mature and head on than they are prepared to deal with or know how to respond to. You are being super transparent when most people are more used to whispering and talking behind each others backs. Some people don't know how to deal with that kind of upfront honesty. It's the only way to really get to the bottom of things.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think your personal email to Echo or how you handled Evan were all fucked up at all. You were the adult and simply don't have time for some tweaker kid's rude behavior. You didn't sink to his level, you blocked him. Everything you have now is hard earned. You went through so much to get where you are today and you have the right to safe guard yourself and your peace. Even with family.
from i-am-jack :
I have not been on the computer as much in the last few days, but could have sworn I checked Diaryland more than I did. I don't think the buddylist lights up when it should sometimes. I was on yesterday and see I missed a couple days of your entries. Anyway I really like how you observe your Sabbath and how you described it "In a day of mostly trying to "receive" and not "transmit" That explains it so perfectly.
from jimbostaxi :
I rarely call anyone,,,, my life is mostly text. I would be unable to use zoom to discuss the most earth-shattering event in my life. I probably could manage a one on one setting but announcing it on a phone,,,, in group chat,,? I would rather shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails than experience that.
from i-am-jack :
I am not a musician, but your creative process is really interesting to watch. I know what you mean by this "The problem is that I myself cease to feel that essential feeling at some point during the process. I relinquish awareness, and yield to a false facsimile of my original sound, without even knowing it." But with writing, art. You can start duplicating your style more than feeling it sometimes, like you said without realizing it. Also I never thought any of your music sounds trite or overdone. Finale does have a built in campiness to it, being midi. But it's endearing and after hearing you on the piano, I can hear a good idea of how the songs will sound played with a band. I think I know what you mean by ornaments though. I do not like most remasters. It sounds like they just drop the bass and in the worst case add all these extra bits that sound silly and out of place. I can't pick up any over the top razzle dazzle in your songs.
from jimbostaxi :
Strange in one person's eyes maybe endearing to another. People are quick to label someone outside of their predetermined norms as strange. Let's hope whatever the behavior he exhibits it's not too distracting.
from jimbostaxi :
Observing the Sabbath seems like it's going well for you. I just dropped by to catch up a bit on how you were doing. I looked into therapy and it seems everything's on Zoom so I won't be trying it anytime soon.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty :)
from jimbostaxi :
It's very exhausting and its almost as if the more you need the system the more they throw you under the bus. My wife is very fortunate that we are advocating on her behalf lots of people have no one. I hate to make it seem like I'm some psycho but there is literally no line that I would not cross to get her help.
from i-am-jack :
Maybe it's not my place to say, but I feel the same way you do about my family. (In your letter to Echo). Right now my mom is leaning on me as her sole emotional support, and it's hard. She wanted to text all day at first and I had to nip that in the butt. I feel for her, but I can't talk all day every day. Especially when my family is usually pretty spaced out with communication. The way you need space from California, I need space from my family dynamic. I think you were setting healthy boundaries and spoke your truth gently.
from wordwhore :
I'm glad the situation with Echo resolved better after another conversation.
from thunderdave :
Cool, send me an email: ohionewshound(at)yahoo(dot)com
from thunderdave :
I like to think I do, and I think my body of work shows that even though it's mostly in a single region of one state. :) People just need to realize there is more to being a journalist than just looking up the work of others and copying, aggregating or passing it along. There's also the inane amount of rumor-control and chasing down false leads.
from wordwhore :
Canada sounds a wonderful idea. If I didn't have so much tying me here and had the means, I might do similar myself. Wish you well on all things, from immigrating to adding new instruments.
from jimbostaxi :
Hi, things went fine with that but there are complications. Her dentist referred us to the oral surgeon. Now with chemo going on if she gets an infection, it could be fatal. Tomorrow morning we go to the oral surgeon and pray he helps her. Thank you for the notes!
from musikoid :
zap
from thunderdave :
Daily, I get messages or see posts saying: "The media won't report this!" when it's either 1) years or even decades-old news that was heavily reported at the time, or 2) News that did get reported ... because I reported it and no one read the story the first time. Social media allows conspiracy theory out into the open and allows any goofball with a phone to think they're an independent journalist. I went to school for this, folks; I have legal, ethical and moral obligations. I have editors. I have people assigning my stories and if they don't like how they turn out, they are handed back covered in red ink (well, bytes of data colored red approximating red ink ...)
from thunderdave :
There are a lot of us, but also a lot of former journalists now in public relations as well. And the industry is suffering right now with the pandemic and the loss of ad revenue. So I hope there are still some of us left to meet.
from thunderdave :
It's definitely a balance: You have to talk to your readers, but in a way they can understand. So you can't use arcane words but you should also try, when possible, to enlarge their vocabulary. At least, that's my belief. I've been doing this for 20 years now (news writing, at least) and it's a constant challenge but also an opportunity.
from thunderdave :
Thank you. I love language and the roots of words. English is so weirdly fascinating -- and I've been speaking it all my life!
from thunderdave :
Well, a looong ways back, yes. My Dutch ancestors decamped for the States before they were the States to avoid some religious persecution. The Irish and Scots parts of me came later. I just enjoy a variety of words.
from thunderdave :
You sussed that out pretty well, I have to give props. Context clues and all that.
from thunderdave :
Hey hey, alright! Always happy to meet another :)
from thunderdave :
That's accurate :)
from jimbostaxi :
Awww ty my friend! All our fingers are crossed and I will update later. :)
from i-am-jack :
Also don't feel obligated to catch up or even read everything I write. I know I write a lot especially when I am manic.
from i-am-jack :
"I get more accomplished but it still has the same effect of stilling that anxious fire that burns within me day and night" That is *exactly* why I am doing what I am doing.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are in a dark place, I hope it passes and the light returns soon.
from i-am-jack :
It does vary from state to state. Here a therapist can not see you if you are family or a friend. They can lose their license for talking to you outside therapy or hanging out with you as a friend if you are a client. Maybe with you and her it's not so much a conflict of interests as it is degrees of separation.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you went to the ER and were able to get a brace. I hope it heals quickly and well.
from i-am-jack :
Actually her mom might not be able to see you as a therapy client because it would be a conflict of interests, being that you are her daughter's teacher and friend. From what I understand, there is a therapist's code that they can't see someone if they are too close to the therapist or each other. It would definitely be mixing business and not pleasure but your personal life.
from jimbostaxi :
For now, I am denial, all is well I tell myself. That will temporarily work until chemotherapy comes along. Then the waterfall of tears will most certainly begin again. Take care.
from musikoid :
zap
from i-am-jack :
Sorry about that! I remembered after I posted it and couldn't edit. It won't happen again.
from i-am-jack :
I understand.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you feel that way, only seeing your neurosis, but I can't say I haven't felt that too sometimes. I always enjoy your writing and especially liked the entry before last about transcendence and embrace.
from jimbostaxi :
I appreciate your note my friend and sorry your going though shit. On this end, I can't tell you the course of action yet. Everything is still up in the air including whether or not I want to be on this planet. All options are open.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know. I actually didn't notice they were off. I read your latest entries, but didn't feel like I had anything helpful to say. Sometimes I just read and let people vent.
from i-am-jack :
There have been times this site was a completely empty venue for my words. Times where old friends no longer wrote and I hadn't made new ones yet. It is a weird feeling, but it can also be strangely liberating. I say just write here for you, when you want to. You do have other outlets with an audience and interaction, just not as much here right now. You might make new friends here too.
from jimbostaxi :
I can't tell you how many times I've sat back and said, ”well, hopefully, I will get to do something good with this borrowed time.” That should be the minimum price someone should pay for another chance at life. Stay safe, my friend, and be careful of those middle schoolers wielding skateboards.
from i-am-jack :
Forever and ever amen!
from jimbostaxi :
The orange menace shackled! :) happy day!
from i-am-jack :
Amen!
from i-am-jack :
Mania is only "fun" up to a point. I feel you there.
from jimbostaxi :
Richard is an older gentleman whose issues with OCD are legendary. That night it was about his ex-girlfriend but it just as easily could have been about a pen, door, book, or a zillion other things. I pray Soccara stays well and, thanks for the note.
from jimbostaxi :
Setting deadlines is part of being in charge. Maybe that will motivate the ones who are slacking.
from i-am-jack :
I know what you mean. Somehow it's different than seeing yourself in the mirror.
from i-am-jack :
It's still a good picture, what I notice is your joy and your smile, not your weight.
from i-am-jack :
I love the picture. You look so happy to be back at the round table.
from musikoid :
zap
from jimbostaxi :
Gotcha :) just me joking around.
from i-am-jack :
It sounds like maybe you need to take a break from journalism, even if you are good at it and part of you wants or maybe even feels obligated to do it, *because* you are good at it and have a unique perspective that needs to be shared. It is a lot to keep up with right now.
from i-am-jack :
"I have done nothing, for not knowing where to start." I relate to this so much. Sometimes I get stuck in these loops where I can not seem to put things in the right order, so nothing gets done. I call them priority loops. Sometimes I have to tell myself that doing something, even if it's out of order, is way better than wasting hours stuck in a loop and getting nothing done. Sometimes things do need or would be more efficient done in a certain order, but more of the time it's my own weird OCD patterns. Sometimes I get stuck between the "right" order to do just two things that are unrelated.
from i-am-jack :
That is really weird and interesting that we have that in common too. Wow. However with me, it's not completely unfounded. I really am the lost lamb type. However (again) I do notice that my family and friends nanny goat me sometimes, and not anyone else. I don't like that. No one does. They worry about me all the time but I can't say I didn't earn it. Still, sometimes I feel like they think I am a kid or I'm too dumb to live my life.
from i-am-jack :
That must be crazy trying to keep up with writing about all this when it really is changing every day.
from i-am-jack :
"God does not dwell in buildings made of human hands." I really like that too. While I love beautiful old churches, I honestly feel a sacred presence more when they are empty and quiet. However, I really feel God the most when I am alone in nature.
from i-am-jack :
Yes, that is my brother in Oakland, last I knew too. He is 6 yrs my junior, yet somehow once he wasn't a little kid anymore, he looked out for me too, but not as much as my sister. It's weird, but mentally I am the youngest. My relationship with him did not really start until my sister moved out and we had to get closer. Most of our lives we fought, but when it came down to it, we had each other's backs. After she moved out, we put all that aside and became friends. I miss him all the time, the person he was before the drugs and schizophrenia got him. The reason I have not read your piece on Covid in the homeless community is it comes a little too close to home. I have no idea how he is,now that I disowned my dad again. My dad was the only one he kept in broken touch with.
from i-am-jack :
My sister and I are two years apart. However we really are like fraternal twins. We have always had that twin connection and used to tell people we were. Our dynamic is really weird. While I was the cool older brother she looked up to and wanted to *be* (she told me later) I was also the lost lamb she was always protecting, looking after and worrying about. Mentally she is older and raised me and my brother. She still obsess worries about me, despite not being my keeper anymore.
from i-am-jack :
My entries are public to people who have a password. Your readers who don't, won't be able to see it.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me feel good that you knew I was reading/around. And thank you for your huge compliments on my entry. I know at least that you won't think I am crazy, since you have had your own experiences, but it can be out there for people who have not. The strange thing is, my sister and I were born that way. My therapist does believe I have been schizo since childhood. She has a very logical but open minded take on these things. She does believe in possibilities and things we don't understand and can't explain. But also in magical thinking and psychosis. And yeah, my poor sister and brother have both gone off the deep end from going too deep down the rabbit hole.
from i-am-jack :
I just want to let you know I am reading, I have just been in a really low, shut down, quiet place. I don't find your production notes updates tedious at all, it's nice to know how it's going. I just don't always have anything to say.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better and things are going a little better. I have been reading, I just didn't always know what to say or have something to say.
from i-am-jack :
That is definitely weird that she wanted you to ride all that way to come to her house. As far as I know that has to break some therapist's code and maybe even law depending on the state. Maybe she thought it would be easier to go through the paperwork with you in person? It's still weird though especially the way she insisted it wasn't a long ride.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks, I didn't take it as the unwanted kind of advice. It's true I do need to calm down and break the self perpetuating circle. Yes I have studied animals and animal behavior for years. I was reading animal books and field guides as a kid, both books for kids and challenging myself with adult level books. I took zoology and a lot of biology classes but a lot of what I know was self studied. Fun fact, your reptilian brain is what makes you jump when you think something is a spider and what makes you see faces in woodgrain or other patterns. I am a lot less fight or flight online too, and very much so in real life.
from i-am-jack :
I know *exactly* what you mean about being high and the feeling of enjoying putting words on a page.
from i-am-jack :
I am not sure if I told you (too?) but I believe that is the nature of pack animals and humans as complex social animals. I believe we are like puppies testing and wiggling each other to see where our footing is and what we can get away with. A lot of people find that offensive, insulting or a very primitive way of looking at things. People forget we have two brains and the reptilian brain doesn't just have physical functions, we still use it quite a bit at the behavioral level. Since I study so much animal behavior (all different species) I see it all the time. It helps me make sense of things a bit better, though humans are so complex and unpredictable. Thanks for the advice to try to breathe, let go. I have been trying to take it easier the last few days and make myself relax as funny as that sounds.
from i-am-jack :
Okay I understand better. I did not know the details of the deflection you were experiencing with your other friend. No, I don't do that with close friends. I hope you are able to work it out and get past it. Out of context, I thought that we were doing the same thing and I worried I was in the same boat. I was paranoid/worried that you might think I am a toxic manipulator type that can not be trusted. I shared a personality flaw/behavior of mine that I was probably more proud of than I should have been. I can hear my sister in my head telling me that's not a good thing. I have also been thinking about authenticity a lot lately and am feeling kind of guilty. In an unintended way, reading your note made me call myself on my own shit a bit. I am also in a space of not liking myself, so I tend to project that on other people on top of the paranoia. Growing up in my house, something like what I said would get you ripped to shreds so many things are way bigger of an offense in my head than they might be to other people.
from i-am-jack :
Reading your entry this morning, it sounds like you feel the same kind of paranoia I do about other people.
from i-am-jack :
I really appreciate you updating me and even more that you are re-reading it. I have been extremely manic and my anxiety is higher than it has been in years, so I am sure that came out in the email. Sometimes I don't make a lot of sense in that state to others, but it sounds okay to me. Sometimes I almost talk in my own language and don't realize it. It isn't anything you did that made me paranoid, it's just a deep rooted fear/paranoia I have that I am going to lose my friends. Some of it is the environment I grew up in, some of it is me, and a lot of it comes from that old friend on this site that didn't tell me anything was wrong with our friendship, acted like we were great, then one day out of the blue said she was done. The other shoe really did just drop. She said a lot of hurtful things on the way out that have stayed with me. It scarred me and now the fears I already have are even worse.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for letting me know.
from i-am-jack :
I answered your last note in an email.
from i-am-jack :
I have been like this for years. For me, it is definitely a defensive/self protective thing. I try to deflect people away from me/how I am doing etc. Playing conversation tennis is one thing, but more often I can get people involved in very one sided conversations simply by keeping the focus entirely on them. Who doesn't like to feel heard? They walk away feeling good, satisfied, probably feeling good about me as a friend and don't even notice they never really got anything about me. Some people can not or never hold a real two way conversation with me and never notice. That is how good I am. Contrary to my writing here, I really don't talk about myself much in real life. Like I said in my entry, I feel like no one really wants to hear it. I feel like a train wreck most of the time and would rather escape myself for a while and hear about you.
from i-am-jack :
I am too familiar with "wanting or needing to have it just right, just exactly my way". Needing certain things to be just so. Sometimes it's not realistic or possible and that can make it very hard and maybe even harder on the people around you. Especially if they don't see the problem or understand.
from i-am-jack :
It's like the chicken and the egg. "Ultra-sensitivity to psychological "associations" is a huge part of addiction. Some people get addicted more easily than others. Some have an addictive personality and can get addicted to pretty much anything.
from i-am-jack :
I wouldn't take that guy's comment too seriously. I think that is kind of a go-to explanation for some people when they don't understand something and it might be true in some cases. But I think we are just creatures of habit. Our brains are habitual and become conditioned and our minds make associations. But we are not slaves to our programming if we can recognize it. Changing it is a lot of work but very possible. It was hard for me to get used to writing Diaryland entries in the word processor then copy pasting them at first. I was so used to the entry page and even the specific size I set it to, but after having so many entries blown away, I made myself learn. Now it would be just as weird and hard to write if I tried to use the entry page to compose. Anyway, also both of us being on the spectrum are even more creatures of habit than most. Spectrum people can be very particular about how they like doing things.
from i-am-jack :
Also I had some interesting "static" this morning. Half awake I heard/thought "Fred's in his own dumb world, I have to save him." Then I began dreaming it was Fred Flintstone and he was totally oblivious to the CoronaVirus and I had to somehow do something. Wilma had on a mask but he didn't even seem to notice anything had changed. Then I realized it's a cartoon world and they were fine and I never even liked the Flintstones. Especially Fred.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry that Echo is still running off and getting into trouble, falling in with the wrong crowd all over again. I wonder if this is how she's coping with everything going on right now? Not that it makes it better or okay.
from i-am-jack :
This is going to sound crazy but maybe you were picking up "static". Have you ever been falling asleep and "heard" bits of conversation or things like this out of context that don't make sense? I think we are picking up some kind of static radio waves of human thoughts. My friends who also meditate have experienced static at night, but I haven't experienced or heard of it during meditation. Maybe it does have personal meaning? What do elephants mean to you? Let the first thing that comes to mind pop into your head.
from i-am-jack :
It took them years to figure me out. For a long time they said I was bipolar type 2 but then realized that was part of the schizoaffective which tied up a lot of loose ends and dangling particle diagnoses. I am still crazy pizza there is a lot going on. You probably know I am high functioning autistic too. Aspbergers. But they are trying to phase out that term and just call it the spectrum. I am sorry you are being hit with so much at once and thrown into a manic state. I hear intrusive voices all the time. It was absolute hell at times before I was on medication. There was a task force living in my head that were trying to get me to kill myself. They would talk to me for months sometimes. It is way better now, but yes I still get them and it can be bad, especially if I see pictures with them.
from i-am-jack :
Ok thanks for letting me know. I know that sometimes when I can't read because of depression, I can go through the motions of moving my eyes across even pretty basic stuff and not absorb a word of it. That or I start seeing words completely wrong realizing it didn't make sense or was bizarre then go back and re read it. Sometimes if it's bad enough, perfectly normal sentences don't seem to read right in my head. I have high reading/writing/comprehension so it's just good old fashioned brain fog from depression or over sleeping.
from floodtide :
Like Jack, I have been reading. Steadily. This note comes after your long entry in which you asked if anyone who is reading understands manic-depressive disorder. I can't claim that I do; I have had relatively little experience of it. I have several other friends who have been diagnosed as such, but I wasn't a witness to the pre-medicated, pre-therapy parts of their lives. My friend/former-co-worker Tim at Panera: Him I've experienced in extreme periods of mania and in extreme depression. When he says hurtful things while in a manic state I have to remind myself that he won't think or feel the same come this time tomorrow. Thinking of you and sending love and care.
from i-am-jack :
I just want to let you know I've been reading. I will try not to send you any long notes or emails until you are in a better place to read. I definitely understand bipolar disorder, I live with it too. I have the type that is depression most of the time with manic episodes. It's actually the affective part of schizo affective disorder.
from i-am-jack :
I related to the entry Homeless is Home so much, despite never being homeless. The parts about low self esteem are things I have felt for years and even more now. While I don't want to live on the streets, I do wish I could get away from all this somehow. I wish I was already in my nowhere house. I feel like people living out in the country are so lucky right now.
from floodtide :
Congrats on 17 months - that is incredible, and it inspires me. Thanks for your kind notes, you've been in my thoughts. And I hope you get some rest.
from i-am-jack :
You probably saved her from her evil ex by asking about her and getting everyone talking. For a horrible situation, at least it ended well.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad your daughter is back at her apartment, safe and surrounded by friends who care. That was quite an outpouring of love and concern.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. I wish I knew what to say. I can't even imagine reading that as a parent and not knowing where your daughter is and what's happening. I hope she is safe and you hear from her soon.
from jimbostaxi :
Happy bday! Glad she gets the song and sorry to hear about the weird sounding accompaniment. I almost forgot, wear your helmet!!! :)
from floodtide :
Happy birthday! I am so glad you mentioned it in your diary, or I'd never have known. I'm glad you had some pleasant human interaction today, and I agree with what you said about "social distancing" being - potentially - a misnomer. We can connect without the contact if we commit and offer each other our full attention. (For a lot of people, that's going to take some practicing to re-learn, if they ever learned it in the first place.) I also agree with Marilyn: please wear your helmet! Some of us don't want you adding a closed head injury to your resume. XO
from i-am-jack :
Happy birthday! I didn't perceive your writing as having been under any influence other than just the rush of the creative process and excitement over everything coming together. With everything going on, I don't blame you and have been thinking about it myself honestly. The way you are describing sharing your song with other people reminds me of this blip of Stevie Nicks talking about how she knew Dreams was special when she wrote it and having to share/trust the others with her song.
from i-am-jack :
I can't wait to hear the finished song. I think I am going to wait until you release it with her vocals to give it a listen, just to get the full experience, you know? I'm happy that you are so happy and full of creative life.
from jimbostaxi :
Three days? Wow, things are coming together.
from i-am-jack :
"physical distancing" rather than "social distancing" because we're actually becoming socially closer. Only physically distant." I really like this. Also I know what you mean by once normal things feeling like a distraction now.
from i-am-jack :
You described her well. I was screaming that she needed to lose her job, that she was working in the wrong field. She has zero empathy and zero concept of triggers. She is the queen bee and does what she wants.
from i-am-jack :
"Sheltering in place in a psychological boomerang. I find myself wanting to "hide" until the whole thing is over (if & when)... " I am all too aware of that dichotomy. Feeling crazy being stuck inside, but also just wanting to sleep until it's over. If it ever ends.
from i-am-jack :
As for the receptionist, she is just a bitch. My therapist told me I am definitely not the only one who has a problem with her. That same day she set off two other people. Yet somehow she keeps her job when this really nice girl everyone loved got fired.
from i-am-jack :
*just outside OF Detroit. I really can't type for some reason lately.
from i-am-jack :
I live in a pretty typical suburb just outside the Detroit, but the city attitude spills over so much, it is not at all what suburbs were originally designed to be. I often imagine cheesy 60's/70's city music playing (like in old movies) It takes me about 30 to 40 minutes to get there, but most of the obstacle course is psychological than anything. I was on a roll writing that series of entries and I want to finish the last part, but it almost feels like there's no point now. Everything has changed. The therapy building is now doing tele-sessions and I am enjoying them for a lot of the same reasons you are enjoying church from home.
from i-am-jack :
*at the movie theater
from i-am-jack :
Damn. That's scary that it's in Moscow now. It has been here for about 3 weeks and 2 cases have become 500. There was a confirmed case that the movie theater in the mall 15 minutes away from me. It's in both our backyards now. Stay safe.
from jimbostaxi :
I posted some stuff about the family because of the crazy times we're living in. I'm not really comfortable letting my sadness leak all over my page but sometimes it happens. Take care my friend be safe
from i-am-jack :
I have been reading, I have just been in some really fucked up headspace so I have not been saying anything. To anyone, really right now. Reading you has been strangely comforting, like a breath of stability, calm and as close as we can get to normalcy right now. I really like your thoughts on this time maybe being to really go inside and find ourselves and our place in the bigger picture. I also loved your piece Summer of Love to Come.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for the message this morning. Appreciate that very much👍
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better and calmed down and had your friends. I never experienced what you went through on the streets, but I feel you so much on putting on airs, wanting to impress people, etc. Not being able to be yourself. Having to hide parts of yourself and your life story.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the prayers. :) The bank finally paid me back the money that was stolen this morning so been paying bills and such. Things are looking up again. Hopefully my mood catches up soon.
from i-am-jack :
Good but rough around the edges is how a lot of personal transitions can feel. It's kind of like going through mental or spiritual (sometimes both) puberty. And as for being disturbed/sensitive, if it makes you feel better those things would rub me the wrong way too. Especially the drive by comment. No one likes being nanny goated or "schooled" by someone whose opinion we do not want.
from i-am-jack :
I am so glad you're okay. It's also really great news that you reconciled with Flood.
from jimbostaxi :
Jeez, chest pains fuck I’m sorry I missed your call. Hope that sexy nurse fixed you up proper :)
from i-am-jack :
That is exactly why I want no neighbors in any direction from my own house if I ever get one. I always joke I would fit right in at a retirement complex if they would have me. Facebook, Google and now Firefox constantly creep me out too. Every time I write about my nowhere house, my ads all think I am in the market looking to buy now. I got an ad with a house that looked very similar to what I imagine, just smaller and in the wrong area, but still.
from jimbostaxi :
Erased :)
from jimbostaxi :
Password is working! and I’m on the Andy board again coool :)
from musikoid :
zap
from jimbostaxi :
Glad you put out those fires :)
from jimbostaxi :
Let’s not be in such a rush for Armageddon lol.
from jimbostaxi :
Double yikes!
from jimbostaxi :
Yikes, I just read that entry to Norman and the church.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks :) Yeah, Its NYC I figured people would recognize that better than a Long Island pic lol
from jimbostaxi :
Hows the pic look that I added to my template look?
from jimbostaxi :
I thought my company was ridiculous for taking such drastic measures but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry.
from i-am-jack :
My friend left and I am slowly coming back to the real world. I caught up on your entries last night. I especially liked your poem.
from i-am-jack :
I'm just letting you know my friend is visiting again and I probably will not be on here for about a week.
from i-am-jack :
I listened to the improvise. It sounds nice for church and reminds me of the kind of music they played when everyone had communion, the quiet praying part. It's a shame you have to re-record it because an improvise is well, improvised and completely in the moment unique. Maybe you can edit out the background noise and clean up the sound somehow? Unless you don't mind doing another one.
from i-am-jack :
I really enjoyed the Dangers of Liberation series. The whole thing was excellent and I see nothing wrong with the last installment. We are our own worst critics. I know exactly what you mean by burying an entry with another one. I have done that too. I'm glad you had a good meeting and got a new bike. Sounds like a nice day to go out and enjoy it.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for being my friend too. I have been really up and down too. It's been a really weird, shitty mixed episode.
from i-am-jack :
It doesn't sound like an excuse at all. You are just being completely honest. I think it can be too easy to get caught up in that and many people do get addicted to their platform and sometimes fire off words they regret. But then add in mental illness too.
from i-am-jack :
I definitely accept your apology/amends, but also you never owe us anything. You don't owe us access to your personal life and private thoughts, you *grant* us a window into your life. And you have full control over what you share through that window. That is really strange that your sexuality entry somehow got that many views from such a small audience. I know sometimes I click here and realize I already read something but definitely not that many times. However that is definitely a hot topic (no pun intended, I am being serious) that naturally gets a lot of attention. That is an unusually high amount of clicks though. Anyway, I always appreciate what you share and never want you to go out of your comfort zone for us readers.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting you know I've been reading and I got your emails.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the texts! :)
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, I just was catching up on all your adventures. It was quite a compelling read there my friend. I would hit it point by point but I will save that for the next one. On this note I will just say double trouble :)
from i-am-jack :
Just want to let you know I read your latest entries and it's good to see you writing again. What you said about a little bit of Paul's energy being with everyone is really beautiful.
from i-am-jack :
(((Hugs))) If that's okay. I am sorry about your friend. That is really sad, sudden and shocking.
from i-am-jack :
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be around people because I feel like I need to protect them from my shit. I hate the question "How are you?" Either it's an empty social gesture and they really don't want to know, or they are someone close to you asking and they mean it and you really don't want to worry them/bring them down but you also respect them too much to lie. Most of the time I'd rather talk about the other person than me. I have therapy and my writing to talk about me. As for being seen, for me it's a whole big complicated weird hang up. Much of it rooted in social anxiety. I also feel I communicate better in the written/typed word or on the phone than in real life. I feel like you actually have the person's attention.
from i-am-jack :
I got your notes and read your last couple entries. As far as I know, none of your notes are missing. You haven't done or said anything to offend me. I'm sorry I made you think so, but I also know that feeling. That is always the first thing I think if I have not heard from someone in a long time. I have just been in a really dissociated disconnected place. I have been isolating more than usual, even for me. I am trying to come out of it, but I am not coming around that fast. I hardly even have the words to describe it, which is making writing really hard. It's hard to make yourself write when it's all coming out shit, but you feel like you need to.
from jimbostaxi :
There’s this one passenger in particular that I wrote that about. He forces a conversation then he answers in a fucked up way. I try and keep our exchanges as brief as possible so I don’t have to hear his phony ass lol
from i-am-jack :
Damn. Well that tells you all you need to know about her. I don't know her motives. She could just be a party girl/play girl having fun or she could really be getting off on making guys jealous and competitive over her. Either way you can't take her too seriously.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah sadly her self esteem probably is extremely low. It usually is when someone needs that much attention. Especially sexual attention. It's also not worth getting any more attached and jealous over her. Easier said than done I know.
from i-am-jack :
I agree with you. It isn't worth ruining the peace of where you live or your reputation for her. To me, she has always seemed like trouble. Either she is a tease, promiscious or both. Just the way she whispered behind Brad's back to you that she's available and willing. Dropping the tired old line that usually comes from male players "There's enough of me to go around" to your faces. She is everyone and no one's girl. You don't need that.
from illusionless :
That sounds very frustrating. Good for you for dealing with it so well. :)
from illusionless :
Strange. I tried logging in with the most recent log in information and it didn't work. Maybe I missed the newest one? Please e-mail it to me. Thanks. I got the rush of e-mails as well on that date or around then.
from wordwhore :
Not copyright troubles, no. My publisher has done some things it shouldn't have and aren't paying people like they should've and the option to get my copyrights back without a buyout is there.
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, just saw your new note :)
from jimbostaxi :
Jack used trifecta lol not me :)
from wordwhore :
Quite a day you've had. Your patience was tested, but it looks like you passed the test! I would not have been able to handle the first test, as people who unexpectedly yell make me shut down and go nonverbal, generally. Good to hear from you.
from jimbostaxi :
I’m here checking in before the world explodes just like you my friend. Trying to make the best of what I got and pretending to be happy about it. Thanks for the password :)
from i-am-jack :
That was quite the trifecta you went through. I have no idea how you kept it together.
from illusionless :
I think this was all the backlog of e-mails about notes already sent. I know they hadn't been working for a long time. Never get notified if I get a new note. Andrew must be working on that part of the site or something.
from musikoid :
On December 18, just a couple days ago, I got all these notifications about notes from both of you and all kinds of other people, too, including me myself. Very strange.
from jimbostaxi :
I got that same notification but no note
from i-am-jack :
Hey, I got a notification in my email, that I got a note from you and another friend, but there are no new notes on my page? I haven't gotten an email notification in years so I'm not sure if you tried to leave me a note or not and it glitched.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you an email. I hope you are not mad at me.
from musikoid :
zap

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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