messages to musikoid:
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from i-am-jack :
Thank you for your note. Yeah it would have been a bad and probably dangerous idea for me to call him. I am going to send him a card though. It makes me feel better that you understand. My mom was abusive too and not there for me. She missed most of my life because of drugs and running around on my dad all the time. Somehow I forgive her and am okay calling her even though we don't have a close relationship. My sister was abused worse by my mom and does not speak to her. I was abused worse by my dad and wish I never started talking to him again, the way he is now. I am processing a lot of shit but I made it through the day, guilty but okay.
from i-am-jack :
The Chas clinic sounds like a total shit hole. Fuck them. You deserve way better.
from i-am-jack :
"I am always restless, and highly charged, and internally brooding, at times fuming, and always struggling." You sound so much like me.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. That is sad and intense. You are a bit battle hardened after fighting for your survival for so long.
from illusionless :
I know what you mean. It's one of the draw backs of having a visible disability. People see it and automatically make you their good deed for the day, so to speak. I'm sure there are many draw backs to having an invisible disability too. Thanks for your note. I'm glad everything is going so well in your relationship.
from i-am-jack :
People have told me there's a wall around me too. At first I was not aware of it, I was only a kid. But I am now. I think it is about always having your guard up and keeping people at a certain distance. Never giving them 100%. Just what you are comfortable with them having. It can be like being guarded and a bit self absorbed at the same time. When you have been attacked or rejected a lot it comes naturally.
from musikoid :
Okay, it worked this time.
from musikoid :
I put something random here to try to use it to make sure all the past notes would delete, but it never deletes. Here goes.
from i-am-jack :
Your posts are never garbage to me. You really are a diamond finally taken out of the rough and getting to shine. You were always a diamond and had the self awareness to know your own value despite others mocking dismissal and rejection. That is some serious strength, self conviction and it's inspiring.
from jimbostaxi :
I’m going to teach him a very expensive lesson if he continues down that path, when he has to pay monetarily he might wise up ,,, no need to fight least not with me anyway,,,
from illusionless :
I respect your opinion and I will look inside myself, but I will stand by my decisions. It's difficult watching someone you care about suffer and not do right by themselves for years and years! Those behaviours affect the people around them and sucks the life and positivity right out of them. People have interventions and assert their rights to take themselves out of the situation if they feel it is taking away from their quality of life. What's wrong with asserting or expressing a need to care for yourself and get away from the person or situation sucking the life out of you? Even Jesus took long breaks to go and pray on his own! Also when you don't take care of yourself and your needs everyone and everything else suffers and then you're helping nobody! Yes, I think we should all be self-sacrificing as Jesus was to us. We should do our best to help and be there for the people around us and we should give all of ourselves to those people or cause, but I don't see anything wrong with needing to take care of oneself as well. If you don't have any expectations of anyone then I think it sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative or positive. Even God gave his disciples tasks and then gave them rest to rejuvenate themselves. As for saying that I reject people faster than others, I don't think you can really know that for sure. Also please don't judge me just because I come from a different generation than you. I am loyal to my close friends, but I am only human. I have my limits if their behavior is cruel or unhealthy.
from illusionless :
My Step-dad is a good guy despite our occasional disagreements. I don't want to cut contact. I think it is more of a misunderstanding due to my inability to communicate. He also apologized so it's all good now.
from i-am-jack :
If she does not have all her meds, oh yeah that will do it. Even just the one. It's scary how much your brain chemistry changes on that stuff. I hope she is able to get what she needs fast. Just the psychological part of being out is hell.
from illusionless :
I wrote an e-mail to Andrew. Let's see if h e answers back to me about the issues I've been having with my archives page.
from illusionless :
Sorry forgot to include this in the previous note. Experiencing depression and clinging to what you know when going through a big location change is very normal. I went through it when I moved to my current city 9 years ago. It can feel overwhelming and lonely. Once the newness of the area wears off Echo should be able to get out and make new friends and live her life.
from illusionless :
I agree with Jack. It's tough moving to a new town/city and starting over. Try to be patient with her and she will go when she is ready. As for being dependent on psychiatric drugs for your well-being, I am one of those people. I have tried many times to live my life without them, but my symptoms get so bad that it's not really "living" at all. I try to see it as no different then having to take a medication to keep your body functioning. Like blood thinners for your heart or insulin and/or types of medication for a diabetic. Sometimes medication is necessary for living a healthy life.
from i-am-jack :
I do not know your daughter or your family dynamics but maybe she is really depressed and in a funk and even scared settling in to a new life. She might not be ready to go out and explore. Maybe she just wants the togetherness a little too much right now. Not that I can't see how this would start to drive you a little crazy.
from i-am-jack :
*So
from i-am-jack :
I am glad the reading went well and the people were friendly and at the right professional level. As for the revisions, I think you should save an original un-edited copy of the script as well as the retouched version for production. I think I told you before the movie Brazil was a nightmare to get produced and the director has three versions in all. Si why not?
from illusionless :
I'm glad the reading went well and you're taking the constructive criticisms so positively! You're right in that taking the criticisms and utilizing them can only make a better product in the end. :) I'm so glad everything is going well with you and your family too. I admit I was worried about it, but now I see that you clearly knew it was the right move! :D God Bless!
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for your last note and for reading. I was so close to not posting that, even though I liked the writing. Your note made me feel like I made the right choice. Yeah it was intense and scary. I still have not looked at it since though I have been in that room.
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I have been reading here and your emails and I am so happy for you. Your life really has changed so much for the better. I have just been in a bad funk for weeks, so I have not been too interactive.
from illusionless :
:) That's okay. Take your time. I know you're enjoying the time with your family and your musical endeavors.
from jimbostaxi :
Yes I have the password I’m logged on, congrats on the family situation !
from jimbostaxi :
Totally awesome dude so happy for you! Your diary is not showing up when I click on the profile part just when I click on the diary part
from musikoid :
Echo is here and Jan too, just in case nobody's reading and blah blah blah.

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