messages to patheticness:
(click here to add new message):

from jimbostaxi :
The fact that they didn't text you directly about the bike is not surprising. They are just postponing the inevitable argument that will take place. I've known people to go to extreme lengths to avoid unpleasant conversations. The funny thing is they exert ten times more energy doing it the hard way than if they spoke to the person directly. Yes, they are being selfish,,, will they admit it? Doubtful.
from jimbostaxi :
Sorry, I missed the ”YOUR” lol.
from jimbostaxi :
Happy belated fourth! Kind of fell away from here a bit and need to catch up on everyone's journeys. Just wanted to say hope all is well and thanks again for notes. :)
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, I never expected to be writing about a family tragedy here. It's so insane I've basically refused to process it for the moment. I know denial is not healthy but least I'm not soaked in tears. Thanks for the note.
from patheticness :
Thanks for your note!
from jimbostaxi :
Yes, you were justified about the drinking. It’s good that you vented and put all those feelings in and entry. I miss being able to pour my heart out In my diary. It’s like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I bared my soul. Take care.
from jimbostaxi :
Wow, thank you very much for that awesome note! It's always hard when I write about feeling like that if it resonates with anyone else but me. Your note made me smile and I can't wait to read your own tributes. Take care and stay safe.
from jimbostaxi :
A face-first plunge,, you are very lucky indeed! That could have been a whole lot worse. If I took that fall with my luck I would have knocked out all my front teeth lol.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, good luck on the weight loss! See someone snuck in to read lol I made myself a mango and avocado salad yeah me! Had tomato, cucumber, shredded amer cheese and ranch dressing! ,,, heck better than fast food. Have a great day!
from patheticness :
saudades, i wish I could write in your notes. I liked reading your story about Sammy. I don't know why but relationship stories always interest me. Go figure! Ive had some interesting ones haven't I? I laugh about them today and wonder what the heck was I thinking back then? I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. Cancer sucks.....I know from experience of losing my mother in law and brother in law to it...hugs!!
from patheticness :
Aww thank you Saudades for the compliment! :)
from saudades :
Hi! I'm catching up now on your diary, how did it go? I'll try to read there. Did you get a cat... how sweet! I love cats. :-D By the way, I have never thought you are or were pathetic in any way. I think you are authentic, which is different. Sometimes if we are authentic, then other people mistake it for pathetic.
from patheticness :
Thanks Saudades and it's ok, don't apologize! I disappear from here sometimes for a while too! But when I come back here and check notes and don't see anyone it's a pathetic kinda lonely feeling, lol. Yes, I'm pathetic! But I get past it and today, yay! It's you! Thank you! I'll check out that entry, and thanks for the tip. And yeah, oddly enough, I'll be starting my new job ON my bday! And thanks for remembering btw! Later!
from saudades :
I apologize how I disappear from Diaryland, and can't reply to your notes. Please accept my apology! It's so embarassing, but one day everything changes and I don't even check my e-mail that much either. Geez! Anyways, I meant to say that perhaps you could do back-ups of your entries in case DL does go poof! You could create a private Gmail address, for example, and e-mail yourself your entries . Of course you'd have to be careful with the password and address never being known by anyone but you. You could also store it somewhere. I think I will do this for my own diary, at least the very old entries that actually never survived because of my own actions but because of WayBack Machine. Check out my entry from 2001. I'll leave a link. Even if your diary is locked now, the machine stores entries that were public at whatever time in the last 20 or so years you wrote them. I recovered I think about 5-10 very , very old entries. One was so incredible (the one dated July 20 2001) to have back. And I do think the meaning had significance, to me, that I was only able to understand at the a ge I am now. I couldn't believe how all that I dreamed had a connection to events that happened many years later. I hope your birthday's all very good !:) Here's the link https://archive.org/web/
from saudades :
Yay! Congrats on the new job. And your birthday's coming up soon. Hugs!!
from patheticness :
glorycloud, Did you email me? I would need your email address please. Thanks!
from glorycloud :
Never received an e-mail telling me how to unlock your diary-peace Jonny
from musikoid :
Yeah let me send you an email.
from musikoid :
Yeah let me send you an email.
from patheticness :
jimbostaxi, awesome! Thanks for reading!
from jimbostaxi :
Im in! It works :)
from jimbostaxi :
Hey! All is well here ,,,lol,, i think,,, Ty for the note! Ill email you :)
from patheticness :
Ok I did it. I just sent notes or emails to some of the ppl who sent me notes on this page. Some of them I forgot prob DO have my current username and password but may not have read me in a while. However, Entwined, Chalet-Lines and Ravenly (though I do have you on fb), and especially Ghostofsoup, where are you??? Are you well and happy? Do you come here to look for me at all? I still have the same email that I had back when I was blondeness. supersue3@hotmail.com if you want to email me or get my current user name and pword here. Miss you guys!!! Hope you are well!
from patheticness :
saudades, thanks so much for your note! I know what you mean about Dland one day going Poof! So surprised it hasn't by now. I can no longer access my Blondeness Diary at all. I did start writing some of it by hand a long time ago, in case that happened, but I didn't get very far. At first I was like, "NOOOOO!!!" all that history of my life, just gone, just deleted, poof! Can no longer go back to read it all and laugh or reminisce or what have you. In a sense though, I don't need to revisit the whole Daniel thing anymore, though that was mostly when it was good, not the bad stuff that is on here, but oh well. Past. Gone. History. Still some good memories and a pivotal point in my life though. I cannot believe to this day that I just up and flew off to England without telling anyone but my best friend and Dland ppl....nuts! My sister is still a little mad at me about that to this day, lol. Ok, well, I told myself I was going to get some real life stuff done before I do another entry, so I'm off to do that but I do have some good stuff to write about in a bit, yay!
from saudades :
Hi! Aww. Thank you. Oh my gosh, yes, I remember back in 2002. I'd had my heart broken already but nothing quite as bad as what was to come. So looking back that must have been so hard. But I remember I was at my university's computer writing to you once. That was insane what the dude did. Oh well, who knows what happened to him? I remember one time in the year 2000 or so he said something I said was stupid LOL! It always makes me laugh because he didn't get the point. ^_^ I'm not allowed to turn on my notes. Diaryland is weird for me. Almost nothing works. Thankfully I can still write entries, though.I'm amazed at that. I'm afraid one day the whole site will go POOF! Hope not, though. It'd be real sad. By the way, I am not caught up but I just read that you still have a video rental. Oh my gosh!! Those are very rare. How lucky.It's awesome they coop with the other biz. That should be more common. I miss the 90s a lot these days. Hugs, my friend! I'll read more soon. All the best
from patheticness :
Saudades, ok I'm pretty caught up on your diary now. Was still not able to sign your notes, so hope you check here. Thanks for mentioning me in your diary and yes, I remember that phone call btw! So cool! And you are like me, 2 readers, lol. I remember when I had so many back in the day and they all supported me during my whole Daniel breakup and everything. Really helped me get thru it all. Anyways, I'm rambling, much to do today so off I go!
from patheticness :
Not sure if you guys will check here for the replies to your notes, but thank you for your kind words Musikoid. I still have to catch up on your journal soon, maybe tomorrow. Saudades, oh wow, 19 years, it's been that long, huh? Makes me feel old lol,but yeah, that makes sense, I've been married over 16 years now with J, and I met him about 10 months over the break up with Daniel...ahem...I mean "S" lol, who cares now, he doesn't read this, no clue whatever happened to him. Wow, the history...seems so long ago and like yesterday at the same time, so weird! Thank YOU for YOUR sweetness btw, You helped get me thru some really tough times in my life. Ok, I have to go, have limited time right now, but tomorrow I will read your entries and maybe write another one myself.
from saudades :
Thank you for what you wrote about me. How sweet of you! I remember being like 16 or 17 and reading your secrets from my stepsister's house in California, and that was like 19 years ago.Thanks so much for your sweetness.
from saudades :
Yay, I'm really happy we were able to get back in touch!! :) I was just about to change it because I thought you weren't anymore or something had gone wrong, and I tried to wait a week or so, and then bang! You had just written on yours a day back, so I was checking it and it just seemed like "a call from the universe" lol, so that's really, really cool. I need to catch up w/ older entries but I'm sorry about this, we all hate it (most people do ) I'm sorry they passed away :(
from musikoid :
I think it's hard for all of us to deal with loss. I'm always affected when someone whom I know dies, even outside of good friends and family. I know that people go when their times come, and that only God holds the keys to life and death. But it's still pretty tempting to think that God made a mistake. Blessings.
from patheticness :
Yay! Suadades! Thank you so much! I got it and I emailed you back with mine! Hurray!! :D
from saudades :
I am sending you an e-mail from ankaica [at] yahoo [dot] com , it may land in your spam folder. Hope we get in touch! :) Hugs
from saudades :
Ohhh! okay gotcha. I didn't know. I was thinking maybe you weren't interested because I sent it a long time ago, and I wasn't aware the password wasn't working since I checked w/ you. I'll e-mail you my password very soon. Thanks!
from patheticness :
Thanks Musikoid, I sent you an email!
from musikoid :
Hey I'm around again and I'll read you. I don't think I know your password, and I'll send you mine in an email. Just email me first at andypope7@zoho.com
from patheticness :
Does anybody even read me anymore? Just curious. Does anyone need my password? If so, give me your email address please and I'll send it to you. I'm not here too often though, keep in mind. Thanks!
from patheticness :
You still out there Saudades? I emailed you a while back and have not seen your reply with your user name and password?
from patheticness :
saudades, I didn't get your email and the password I had for you no longer works, lol, not sure how long ago you left me this message, it's been ages since I've been on here, sorry. But yes supersue3@hotmail.com is still my email address. You email me and then I will reply with my pword again lol. I'll try to get on to check it fairly soon.
from saudades :
Oops! I will send an email to supersue3@hotmail.com Does that work? I hope so
from saudades :
Hi dear, can you please send me your password if you don't mind? I would love to read you again. Mine is still the same, but if you need it let me know. My address is ankaica [at] yahoo ( the rest as per usual, normal) Thank you!
from patheticness :
disolved girl, if you want to read my diary, which I rarely update, lol, email me at supersue3@hotmail.com for the password and I'll send it to you. ;)
from patheticness :
Wow, just saw your note you left me!! Yes, I remember you and thanks so much for the kind words. Yes I am alive and well and I have changed a LOT too since back in "the day". I'm not at dland very often at all anymore, mostly cuz I cannot usually find enough time alone to devote to it, but also because it's lost it's appeal, since I no longer have many readers and don't get a lot of input, not that that should matter. I'll be on again soon though. Don't have the time today, just popped in for a second since I was on the computer, and took a chance that someone might have somehow signed my notes and whoolah! Yay! Thank you! Hope all is well with you!
from disolvedgirl :
goodness what a blast from the past. are you still alive? I just remembered my diary here...the chronicles of a suicidal young woman I hardly recognize...But I remember you. You were kind and sweet to me when few people were. I hope you are well, my blonde friend!
from patheticness :
I cant even get my password to work to get in to read my own diary to see where I left off. Whats the point of doing an entry if no one can read it, including myself. I'm in a crappy mood. I wanted to go to this free concert at the Y Sat night. It's a band called Bread of Stone. Never heard of them, so I looked it up. They are a contemporary Christian Rock and Pop band and I like the music I hear, though I'm not a regular listener of that music, I do like it. The boys were like, "Nah..." when I pitched the idea to them, not even knowing what kind of music it was then. Then I looked it up and I pitched the idea to D and she's like, "I'm not really into Christian music anymore, sorry." And I'm like thinking to myself that why does she have to be so antichristian about everything now that she went through this? Just listen to the music then, not the lyrics. I wish I could help her find God again but then it comes across as preachy and she doesn't want to hear it. And no one will see this and it sucks. I can try to copy and paste it into my journal entry but don't know if it will ever be read. I'm just really in a crappy, no shitty mood right now. I'm on the verge of tears even. Trying to make D and Jl and J all happy is really wearing on me and I'm just so sick of it. What the hell about me??? Whenever I want to do something, "Nah...."
from patheticness :
Still never enough time in a day. Yesterday morn I was misearable with cramps and then went shopping with Jl. This morning I get called into work early. Gonna be a busy weekend, so maybe I'll be on next week, who knows? We shall see..... winter morning sucks though. Winter school mornings especially. Sick of this bitter bitter cold, dragging myself out from under covers, and the kids too, fighting with them to get ready and get going while I'm making lunches and there are so many "extra" steps to do in the winter time like warm up the car, lay out all the coats, gloves, boots, etc, allow extra time for them to put it all on...ugh...just sucks....trying to remind myself that one day I will miss this when I look back, but it's hard to do now, lol! Ok, I'm off!!
from saudades :
Hi, I hope they got there well ... it's Friday. Hope it all goes well for you and them, hugs and good luck. :)
from patheticness :
Aww thanks sweetie! I havent been here in a,while. Life is busy and crazy, still mo computer and its hard to navigate this from my phone. I see u have updated and i will read u soon. Love ya!
from saudades :
hi dear ! I just want to drop by to say I'm reading ♥
from patheticness :
I hate thus. My last entry never showed up and ive sick if trying to talk sense into my sister and u am just sooooo frustrated right now!!
from patheticness :
My sister frustrates me, so does my niece, and ive been having nightmares last couple of nights, which are unrelated. Ill get into it later. Still no computer.
from lollirottt :
Can I have your pw? ode2solitude2010@hotmail.com
from patheticness :
Thanks Saudades! love ya girl!
from saudades :
Don't worry so much about Jl, she's still a kid. I know she's an adult now, basically; I understand the behavior is unacceptable, but my own sis is the same way ... some people never change until they have to live life on their own. And even then, they have this attitude-- the only force that can kick bad attitude out of someone are the hard knocks of life, unfortunately. Don't worry so much, it sounds like they're okay within the circumstances. Hopefully they will move where you are, but if they don't... then you can't live life for them, either. One can only help so much, you know? Sometimes we give so much to others, than we are left empty and don't even realize it. Big hugs to you.
from patheticness :
I meant narcissa! sorry for the typo!
from patheticness :
Thanks saudades!! one of my true "orignal" dland friends! I cherish that! I just sent you an email by the way! Thanks to narscisca too! I appreciate it.:)
from narcissa :
hey - one thing is that i never see when you update - i'm not sure why your entries don't show up in the little box, but it's definitely a cue for me to check all the ppl that i follow. [i get what you're talking about... there's something about having that feedback at least sometimes]
from saudades :
OH DEAR, I'm still reading you. I know how you feel, though. I had to stop writing here except sometimes because it caused me more hurt than good. Know that we care, well I care what you feel. But I understand that if you don't feel it helps you, it's okay. I stopped being a regular because all I got was (except for a few cases of very good people) hate, judgmental attitude, complete psychos erasing me from their lists without a word when they'd pretended they were my friend (go check her out, her name is enfinblue, she's the reason I got sick of it--- she kicked out so many people, what a bitch she is, I don't mind saying it in public and letting everyone read it! because she is one), and haters and bullshit. Fuck them all! ♥
from patheticness :
.
from narcissa :
6/30/17 - just caught up on some entries - so sorry to hear about R - it's a lot for you and your family. [and thank you for your wise and kind words on my page.. i am exited about being an auntie!]
from patheticness :
Thanks Saudades,the kind words mean a lot.:)
from saudades :
I'm so sorry about another loss for your extended family, my friend. It is heartbreaking. When my mom was in her situation, it's a good thing we had a lot of people around us to help with the legal/bills/etc. parts of it... It must feel so cruel to have to look at those things right when you just lost the most person in your life. It must almost be like a cruel joke, waking up must be hard enough to do. You're doing a really good deed by helping her through this time, even if it is difficult and she doesn't react like you'd want. More to come later. :-( What sad news...
from narcissa :
i can't imagine. Loved your lemon cookie story... what a calm moment in a terrible time.
from narcissa :
oh that's okay, it's a dreary story. I appreciated you taking the time to comment. Your lines to your mom always make me pause... i'm sorry, what a hard loss.
from glorycloud :
yes when I use the expression death flow I mean I am closer to the end of my life span-but I should add that I am also closer to being with the Lord in the New Creation-I tend to be gloomy old man-thanks for asking and have a good week-peace
from annanotbob2 :
Thanks for your kind note! best wishes xx
from musikoid :
I can also relate to being addicted to the online diary thing. I'm going to close down again for a while. Something happened that threw me off for hours, and I'm not comfortable with it. I have other things I need to throw this attention toward.
from narcissa :
I do like my boyfriend, but now we live in two different countries and it's *so* embarrassing but I guess I forgot how to do things on my own. I really never thought that would happen to me : /
from musikoid :
Oh - hi - I wrote that sort of rambling, but then I took your advice and read back through some of the previous entries. I didn't find too much of the faith in God stuff, but I definitely found the drug addict. Denial is a really weird power. People don't like to admit that they're -- drug addicts -- I don't anyway, it's like the lowest of the low. But reading my words, the way I come across -- OBVIOUSLY I'm a drug addict. I hope I can use that information to my benefit, and never use again.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your kind, wise words. "Addiction" is an odd issue with me. I can definitely relate to Internet addiction as a daily phenomenon, but this thing with the substance seems to leap up out of the blue and take me by surprise. It's almost impossible to maintain a One Day at a Time approach against it, because I almost never desire it until -- something changes, I don't know what. That's why lately I've been framing more along the lines of me having a bipolar diagnosis, and treating that first. It's well-known that people in manic phases of untreated bipolar can make all kinds of erratic decisions, substance abuse being one of them. I do know that A.A. and N.A., though I attend occasionally, never seem to work at any dosage. If I go daily, they don't work; if I go periodically, they don't work; if I never go at all, they still don't work. It's just a downer. But I'm thankful for my health and that I made it through. It might be that the infrequency of use has kept me healthy - I still have all my natural teeth, except for the two wisdoms and one molar. Most "tweakers" are toothless by the time they're thirty. Now, the marijuana substance, that's another story. And I don't have an issue with alcohol either, I'll slowly sip my glass of Cabernet whenever I damn well please. Those programs are all too extreme. They make you "identify" with the worst aspect of your character as though it's all you should ever own. And then they make you quit *everything* even if you don't have a problem with it. It just puts too much pressure on me. The route using the doctor, the therapist, and so forth, seems a lot saner. Nobody in my family or among my close friends gives a shit if I have a beer. The whole focus is insane. Then again, I'm the one who's focusing on it - so maybe I'm insane. But I'll keep fighting. Thanks again for your astute kindness.
from patheticness :
saudades, I keep forgetting that your notes feature is not turned on, so I'll drop you a note here and if you don't see it soon I'll shoot you an email. Just wanted to say hello and I am reading and I am still a friend as much as I can be virtually. Sending hugs your way and so glad you and your friend have mended fences, so they say!
from patheticness :
Thank you so much saudades. Means a lot! hugs!
from saudades :
It made me feel so sad, I felt like choking up ... :( Praying for and thinking about you all.
from saudades :
I'm so sorry to read about what's going on. Heart goes out to D & R, and to you. Love you. I missed the last entry, but I got caught up now. ♥
from patheticness :
Thanks to all who showed interest. I have emailed my password,let me know if you did not get it. Thanks to those who have added me. Musikoid, welcome back and thanks for the note!
from narcissa :
if you leave me your email address, I'll send you an email
from annanotbob2 :
annamills46@hotmail.com I also double post - still lingering here for old times sake but have another https://annanotbob.wordpress.com/ where comments can be left on each post! Wowsers! Best wishes x
from musikoid :
That movie sounds really right on and encouraging. Oh - I have been back for a while - I might have a different password but I will send you an email. It was hard staying away, I couldn't find a place to write about it when stuff happened.
from patheticness :
Thank you to all who signed my notes. If you havent already, please list your emsil here if you can and i will send it to you later tonight. Thanks!
from glorycloud :
Hi I suppose you know by now Diaryland has been abandoned by its founder a couple of years ago-so it is broken-but I paste here what I write in my main online diary Crookedfingers in LiveJournal. Yes I will like to read your diary-e-mail at jonnyray49423@Yahoo.com. peace
from narcissa :
hi! i love reading new journals! please! password me! [and yes, please lurk, or read and don't lurk]
from annanotbob2 :
Hiya - saw your note at narcissa's - I'm in a world of death and cancer and all that so maybe we can read each other. I don't know if the email still works here tho... xx
from saudades :
I don't mention the name of the person or the intial but ... because ,. there's a reason for that, in the comment below.You're welcome, nothing to thank me for- I'm here for you , you're my friend! ♥ HUGGSSSS bear hugs
from saudades :
Hey OMG I read it all. :-( What can I say? It's so sad, I am so sorry .... OMG can't believe ...is she 21 now? OMG.... wow when the story began wasn't she 7? (Btw feel free to delete this comment). I was like, my head was spinning over that fact. I just CAN'T believe so much time's gone by.
from patheticness :
awwwww thank you for your emails, your notes, your kind words and your hugs that I have been horrible about returning, but I have been reading them and your diary and intend to email you soon, I hope too anyways! Hugs back to you!! You are too sweet!
from saudades :
Big hugs to you :-)) ♥
from saudades :
AWWWWWWWW I just wanted to say what a beautiful, heart-warming and so spiritual entry. I was very touched, isn't it amazing how it all melts away sometimes...? It feels that way for me too.... Oh about my diary. Really, please believe me here. Hehe! Don't worry if you can't check in often, dear, I don't care much about my entries. I write them whenever the mood strikes, but I don't pay them any mind. LOL.
from patheticness :
btw I'll pop back on later to read "you", only had a little time to do my long entry this morning.
from patheticness :
aww thanks for all your sweet notes saudades!
from saudades :
At least your one reader's a lifetime fan :) Muah :)
from saudades :
I read you for sure. I'm catching up on all your entries. Yeah, man, I can't even turn on my notes. I've been bullied on DLand. Up until 2008 (around then), I 'd never had a problem. Then some people decided they were going to be the police, and I know of at least half a dozen people who had to close off their diaries because of those busybodies.
from saudades :
Oh sorry to hear about your sister. My own sister ... I can't even talk about her without losing my cool. We just don't get along. We love each other, sure, but we don't even talk. She lives in another state far away and doesn't text back. She's very mean, cold, nasty, if I weren't in decent company I'd even state it with the b word. : S Oh, to answer an earlier question I am not going anywhere. I wish I could! I am dreaming about it. :) I wish so much I could get away.
from saudades :
It's okay dear, I know how you feel. I am glad that 2 trusted people read me, it is so much more free than if you have a dozen readers most of whom don't care. I've had both situations, and it's much better to be more free, without fear of scaring readers away or causing offense. I'm blessed to have you and my other friend read me. I'm thankful.
from patheticness :
my last note was supposed to be an entry. I did it in haste from my phone, I'll update maybe tomorrow.
from patheticness :
I miss my sister D. She wont even talk to me since they gotthe most recent opinion at a new cancer clinic, last week wed. Her text about it said Hey Sue, sorry I havent texted u today about the Dr. Umm...not the news we were hoping for, no surgery, not cuz he doesn't need it, but its gonna be too risky. Didnt really like talking about it, maybe in next couple of days Ill feel up to it. I told her I was off all day the next day but worked long days on fri and wat. She did too. She said maybe on sunday, which is today, cuz she had to work on Thurs afternoon and didnt want to call before work and get all upset. I said cant she call me in the morning? She said she would see how she feels. No not up to on thurs. Never heard ftom her. The last time I tsljed to her, not text was friday the 17th, 10 days ago. So this afternoon i texted are we talking today? What time? No response for a while then she tells me she didnt hear her phone but she has a headache and took some Advil and is going to rest and call me in a nit. Im her sister! Why cant she talk to me about it?? Gotta go....
from patheticness :
ok so if anyone wants to read me, sign my notes here if you want me to email you my password, thanks!
from patheticness :
Saudades awww love you too! Just sent you an email and then I read your most recent entry and forgot I can't sign your notes. Are you planning a trip or just dreaming about it? Either way good luck and good for you!
from saudades :
♥ Love you!
from musikoid :
I feel ya on the taking of the "good health genes" for granted. I've managed to squeeze by so far with nothing but a low thyroid level and low Vitamin D, each of which is easily treatable by medication and a supplement. But I really ought to start watching what I eat. Like the stereotypical bachelor, I eat a lot of canned food. Just yesterday my doctor cautioned me to avoid that, and go for the fresh produce, which I tend to pass by. Caffeine can be a bane as well. No one I know is getting any younger, myself included -- much as I hesitate to admit it.
from musikoid :
My sister had scoliosis for years and was supposed to lose 100 lbs in order to have an operation. She swam regularly but was never able to lose the 100 lbs. So she never really dealt with it. I think it made it harder for her to deal with the other health issues that ultimately got to her. I guess I'm saying, probably not a good idea to let it go just because it's not bothering you. But I'm not trying to be doctoral. I still enjoy what Bertand Russell said: "One should never worry about one's health unless one is unhealthy." He chain-smoked till he was 80, started to feel unhealthy, so quit and last to, I believe, 98. I try not to trip over health issues, but they're on my mind because so many people I know have been succumbing lately, or are very ill suddenly. But I wouldn't worry about stuff like Diet Pepsi's. Exercise seems to cover a multitude of sins. And I would *never* think of someone as an alcoholic for having a beer or two after work. I understand why you clarified that, though, because some people do assume such things, which of course is a problem with our society and all the mixed messages we receive around alcohol. But that's another story. Just wanted to let you know I'm still on board and trying to catch up.
from patheticness :
hmmmm ok weird...thanks so much. As long as I AM locked though,that's what worried me. Thanks for taking the time, appreciate it!
from musikoid :
That happens to me to - the same exact thing. But the entry actually did post and your diary actually did lock. Also, once you log on yourself, it will not ask you for your password again until after you've logged off and logged on again another time. But that's the way it's supposed to be, and you probably know that already. Not sure why it always only shows the previous entry at first, but it does that to me too. If you go to the Archives, you can always find the most recent entry, and click on it from there. Hope that helps.
from musikoid :
That happens to me to - the same exact thing. But the entry actually did post and your diary actually did lock. Also, once you log on yourself, it will not ask you for your password again until after you've logged off and logged on again another time. But that's the way it's supposed to be, and you probably know that already. Not sure why it always only shows the previous entry at first, but it does that to me too. If you go to the Archives, you can always find the most recent entry, and click on it from there. Hope that helps.
from patheticness :
ok so i logged out and closed out and when I logged back in and hit my diary, it did not ask for a password-is that cuz I am logged in myself already? Also it took me to my entry before the new one, but when I hit older, the new one was there to click on so I did and was able to read it. I tried logging out and doing the whole process again. Same thing. So am i locked or not? What page are you guys getting? Do you have to type a password or no?
from patheticness :
ok this is weird. So, I locked my diary, clicked on my diary and it asked me for the password to get in so I was like, ok cool, it's locked. Then I accidentally closed out the window and had to go into it again to do my entry and I know I didn't log out on this page so it came right up, i wrote my entry and posted it, but then when I click on my diary, it did not ask me for the password and only went to the last entry I wrote before this. Either it didn't post yet or didn't post at all, and am I locked? Can any other readers enlighten me? Did you have to log in with a password and what is the current entry showing? Thanks for your help!
from musikoid :
Briefly, on the password thing, I personally finally decided to lock my diaries, not so much because they might be able to figure out it was me or any of the other possible worries, but just so that I would stop worrying about it.
from musikoid :
No problem on the typo. I was trying to be original by choosing the "k" - then found out there's another Musikoid prowling around the Internet, also a singer-songwriter type. You can't win! Merry Christmas. :)
from patheticness :
Musikoid, sorry for the typo!
from patheticness :
I will just quickly answer your notes here. Saudades, I'm glad you liked my entry, thank you. You have a great christmas! Musicoid, yes that is true, job security is a blessing.:) And I'd rather work here than to be stuck in a job doing something I'm not cut out to do or that bores me. I feel like my current line of work is my "identity" so to speak. And hmmm....I'll have to google myself now lol. Have a great Christmas btw!
from saudades :
♥ loved your entry. thank you very much for leaving me a note here... ♥ aww, 1925 is the year the great gatsby was written....
from musikoid :
Well, that's good that you enjoy your job and like your customers. Also, I imagine if you've had the job for a while, it would be a blessing despite the occasional mistreatment. Sometimes it's best not to make changes because at least we know our current evils and can adjust to them more easily than the unknown. By the way, you do show up on Google, unless there's another person by your name in the exact same line of work. :)
from musikoid :
I've read the 2015 entry and also your newer entries now. It does cause a lot of frustrating thoughts to enter into my head, but I'm glad you pointed me to it. It brings up some stuff that happened on my own job when my Mom died - not exactly the same thing at all, but the way I was expected to just "get over it" and show up after only one day off (a Friday before a weekend) and act as though nothing had ever happened, when obviously my entire world had changed. Reading what happened to you, it also brings to the surface how I like to *think* that when things like this happen, it's a "communication problem" that could be solved by *communication.* But chances are, it couldn't have been, because they wouldn't have been sympathetic. They could have thought to call the client (if I understand correctly the dynamics of the job) and explain that the photographer's Mom was on her deathbed, and of course whoever the client was would understand - even on short notice. But that they didn't think to do so means, more likely, not that they didn't *understand* - but that they didn't *care.* I hate to say that, but my experience pans out that this is true. This is also why having talked to them since then has not been gratifying. You probably get the vibe that no matter what they are saying, deep down they don't give a shit. But one thing I can tell is that they do *need* you on that job. That's obvious. If something like this ever happens again, I'm not suggesting you be a b---h but you DO have leverage. Thanks for sharing.
from musikoid :
I will read that soon and note you about it. I'm just kinda stressed and overloaded today. Stopped to make a brief D-Land check, but just want to let you know I'm still with ya.
from musikoid :
Jn & your boss are being a bit thoughtless there, don't you think? I don't want to plant a bad seed, but it's disrespectful. And what kind of a boss would make you work while your Mom was on her deathbed? I'm not trying to be negative, but it kind of makes me mad.
from musikoid :
Well good for you. In what little I know of you, one thing I can tell you are NOT is a heartless person. :)
from musikoid :
Wow - that note I left was really long. Sorry about that. But I just wanted to say thank you for your note, and I guess we all have our vices. Or if not vices, our quirks. I hear we're supposed to work out all those kinks, but my personal feeling is it's better just to take some of them to the grave. I'll pray for your brother. You are a good person to be so caring. Many people don't care about their birth families at all these days.
from musikoid :
I can relate to the Drunken Brother being a bit difficult to deal with. And family weirdness in general over money. I'm praying for the other brother - and also, these things are being brought up now in my head because my sister died and also my friend Rob has been taking care of his Dad whom it sounds like might die any minute now. My sister left everything to her friend Katherine which is okay although it brings up how five years ago she told me she was leaving me $250,000 - I can't help but think that something happened in the five years that caused her to doubt I would be a worthwhile investment. Ostensibly it was to help me produce my musical but there's been homelessness, substance abuse, stigma - so I guess what I'm saying is we all have our vice. I didn't resort to street drugs until I'd been on the streets for almost three years and nobody was letting me inside their front doors because they assumed I was a drug addict. And now that I do live inside, I don't resort to them now, so I always wonder what it is about somebody who would seem to have everything, like my brother, and yet need to fill some hole with alcohol. When I filled the hole, at least I knew what hole I was filling. But I'm probably defending myself, because none of us are righteous in God's eyes, and these recent events have me inescapably realizing how easily it could all be over in a flash. Me, I could state a case that I might be a bad guy at the Judgment, but I have no doubt you will be with your Mom and your mother-in-law in heaven, when your time comes. Sorry if I crossed any line, but wanted to express that while it was fresh.
from musikoid :
Thank you for your note. You never know how much your sister is a part of you until she's gone.
from patheticness :
saudades, what happened to your arm? Did I miss something somewhere? I read some of your previous entries but didn't see anything about it. Sorry, just now trying to catch up. Anyways, I hope that whatever it is you are feeling better very soon. Hugs to you!!
from patheticness :
Thanks a little late to musikoid for the bday wishes. I have not been here in a while. Thank u saudades for your note. I agree about the paying thing, i was hoping to get a free bonus reading with our pedicure, like my co worker got. Did not sign up for a ghost hunting expedition instead lol. I have not heard from nor contacted the lady since so at least shes not pressuring us as to if we r still interested or not or anything.
from saudades :
I have no gifts whatever for that sort of thing (spiritual understandings and so on), but I grew up thinking it to be very normal, commonplace stuff, and have very close kin who most definitely do have insight or gifts, and they have helped me so much. I'll ask her and get back to you. I believe these things should be completely free of cost, too, btw! Hehehe. Big hugs to you.
from musikoid :
Happy Birthday. :)
from saudades :
Awww thank you.I tried turning my notes on but that day it didn't work , I will try again. :D I did see your email but I wanted to reply via computer because cell phone kills my hands. Thanks so much for you good advice, you're right. I probably read too much. But she is kinda whacked, lol. ;-) Oh well, I'll let it rest cause I don't want to confront her, she is the kind who would take it to a whole new level. Thank you dear! Big hugs to you . :)
from patheticness :
And oh wow I just read your latest entry and thank you SOO much for mentioning me in it, wow! I'm having a great bday but not sure when I'll have time to do an entry about it. J has just run to the store quick, Bn is at a sleepover and Bd is at a neighborhood friends house. Anyways, as far as your entry that chick sound kind of whacked, lol, weird, not to "judge" or anything. It is possible you are just reading too much into her comments. It sounds like she is trying to sound all intellegent to impress ppl or something like that like my exhusband did and Daniel did at times too, whether he meant to or not. Maybe before writing her off, so to speak you can talk to her about how certain comments have bothered you or offended you or that you hope you are not taking them the wrong way. But then again, I myself wouldn't have the guts to confront her that way, lol so not sure if you will. It might cause her to get angry or more indignant and say more stuff or make you feel more judged for taking it in "such a way" or whatever lol. All I can say is I'm your friend so there! LOL! Good luck with her and all though. Love ya! (not ly!) I hope you see this since I can't sign your actual notes. If you do let me know, if you don't I'll try to email it to you soon! Later!
from patheticness :
saudades, it says you are not accepting new notes, so I will answer you here. Why yes it is and thank you so much for remembering! How sweet of you!
from saudades :
10/14 Isn't it your birthday today? Muaaaa, happy birthday girl! ♥
from musikoid :
Is anybody besides me having trouble with DiaryLand navigation? My most recent entry at this time is http://musikoid.diaryland.com/uare.html but I'm pretty sure you can't access it except by pasting that url into your browser. It doesn't show up in the archives are on index.html. I'm experiencing a few other sources of frustration here as well, so I thought I'd "ask around." Apologize for leaving the same note for everybody - but in this case, it seems the thing to do. Since I have two diaries, the complications are compounded, and so I'm not sure how much of the current navigation issues are mine & mine alone. Let me know, please, if you can. Thanks.
from saudades :
I'm so sorry about your sweet squirrel. My mom is like that, she loves to name squirrels, bunnies, and and birds she sees. My 15-year-old cat passed away some months ago, but wherever she was before there are many new flowers popping up in our garden. Oh, thanks so much for leaving me a note here on your entries. I'm so hard to track down, but it's mostly because I'm afraid of people leaving me hateful comments, now. :-( But I'm kind of coming back to existence since there are people who are so nice here, too. I'm like that too, always reading into nature and life for signs, but I have trouble because I think I should look for more positive, love, light messages than for bad omens, but the mind kind of pulls us either way. ♥ Hope you are well. Thanks again so much. :)
from saudades :
Oh, just to correct, my address is ana.areas (at) yahoo (dot ) ES ... not dot com, but dot es. Even I get it wrong. If you want to say hi. I'd write to you first, for sure, but I have no idea where to write. So glad I could say hello to you and tell you that I've always thought about you.
from saudades :
Awww... I've been here. I just never write anymore. Some woman started bullying me here about in 2010 or 2009, plus my life got so bad for some years, then I just stopped writing. But I always wanted to get in touch with you., but I got locked out of your other diary. I didn't have your e-mail either :( I love you too!!! You mean a lot to me. I remember when I first found your diaries in 2000, was one of the first I found. Anyway, everything happens for a reason. Nobody stalks me or cares about me so I'll leave you my address : ana.areas (at ) yahoo (dot) com. Love. Again, so very sorry to hear about your mom. I know she meant everything to you. There's nothing I can say, except that I have deepest sympathy and heartfelt, sincere hugs. Anything I can do, please drop me a line. Every now and then I write a post but nothing coherent, I'll sure give you the password, dear (your name!) BEAR HUGS!
from saudades :
Hi dear. Do you remember me? It's been a long, long time, but I wanted to tell you, I am so sorry about your mom. And don't worry, that sister of yours... *sigh*... she's ALWAYS been like that. (((BIG, BIG HUGS)). I lost touch with you, but I never have forgotten you.
from musikoid :
You're welcome. :)
from musikoid :
You're a good person.
from musikoid :
Yes, I believe it's gone now. One less thing to worry about -- I myself would not like to have seen my personal email address showing up on a google search. To be honest, however, I'd be more concerned about DiaryLand members seeing it and deciding to email me out of the blue. That happened once when I had a public diary - I got an email from a total stranger, the subject line reading: "Your Offensive Diary." I didn't bother to open it.
from musikoid :
It says the note is gone now but it's still showing up on the page after a refresh. There's nothing else I can do but wait.
from musikoid :
P.S. I suppose you could say I'm also 40-something. But it would be a pretty long "something."
from musikoid :
I'm trying to delete it. Sometimes they don't delete right away, unfortunately. I'll keep trying.
from patheticness :
Also you made me curious so I googled my own name but I myself did not come up on my searches, so you may not be thinking I am the same person lol. But that's ok. I also googled my email address and my note to you came up, yikes, might want to delete that note with my email address in it, not that I think anybody is going to google my email address!
from patheticness :
Wow. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment so thoughtfully on my entry! I appreciate all of your kind words and sorry to hear of your losses as well. And yes, I'm probably one of the oldest dland members, lol. Not "old" persay but I am in my 40s now!
from musikoid :
P.S. I also lost both my mother and my mother-in-law in close succession (two years apart), and although I've never had a miscarriage (of course), I can identify with the difficulty in dealing with loss.
from musikoid :
Check your email. User/pass is there. I finished reading your entry. If you think that was "rambling," you sorely underestimate yourself. Except for my own ADHD interfering in places, I was with you all the way. I can relate to all the in's and out's of the online diary concept. To lock or not to lock, and so forth. I keep mine locked because I want to let flow real names of people and places, and I also want to limit my readership to a number that is more manageable. I used to keep it unlocked and hassle with the abbreviations, etc., but I found in the end that my motive was mostly a more-or-less grasping penchant for unnecessary levels of attention, sort of like hanging all my laundry out to dry and taking what comes. It led to some pretty unnerving places, and while I never really lost any sleep over it, I definitely got sidetracked during my waking hours with a lot of pointless defending of myself and my inclinations in conversations with trollish types who couldn't have cared less. There was also the concern that somebody in 'real life' might be reading. I think that's a valid concern, because even if they aren't likely to be reading, I don't need the worry. But that's just me. I also get that you have a life now - in fact, I googled your name on the Internet and I *think* I know who you are (maybe not) - you're actually obviously older than was my initial concern (expressed in the first email), and you and I might actually be in similar but not identical fields. There were a few people by your name but one of them kind of matches up to what you're saying in your entry, maybe two of them. Finally, I get that you have a life now, and you are not "pathetic" as once you regarded yourself to be. I also now have a life (finally) but I was definitely pathetic, not too long ago, to be honest. So yes, I will continue reading, and I would be honored if you choose to do the same.
from musikoid :
Got your note and also had just read the first two paragraphs of your most recent entry. I'll resend the email with the password, but I also wanted to say that, although I admit to having not quite digested your diary entries very well (skimming them due to length and perhaps an initial intimidation), I am happy to say that I was completely absorbed as I read the first two paragraphs of your recent entry. You said so many things that struck a chord with me, it literally had my heart jumping. I'll no doubt be able to write something more valuable than this once I've read and digested the entire entry. I have a (slight) reading disability based on ADHD, but I've been overcoming it fairly well of late. But I definitely will not comment frivolously if I have nothing to say. Oh, and by the way, I have not (and won't) go back and read your earlier entries. I'm more interested in who the person is today than what got them this way - at least at this point.
from musikoid :
I had to change the user-pass for reasons unrelated to anything hitherto discussed, but why don't you write me at andypope7 at zoho dot com if you still want to read me. I just read your entry and I am sorry to hear about D.
from jimbostaxi :
That crying thing yep that happens to me,,, never used too,, sometimes it will start over something silly ,,
from musikoid :
Oh wow - I somehow missed your note, from a ways back. Sure I'll send you an email. Lemme work on that tonight, it'll give me something to do while I'm in waiting mode.
from jimbostaxi :
No problem anytime :0) I've never been to one of those fortune tellers but I can't say I would put much stock in what they would say, too many people out there trying to hustle people in a fragile state makes my blood boil.
from jimbostaxi :
Dont feel lonely there's somebody always around in here :9) I sometimes come and bounce from diary to diary other times I come and just dump my thoughts in here and go back to my daily grind. I'll be checking in on ya from time to Time don't be a stranger :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, i found your diary through a friends page hope you don't mind me dropping in and reading :0)
from musikoid :
I'll admit I'm looking for readers. But since I don't know you I'd probably have to send you a brief application with multiple choice questions before deciding to let you in. It wouldn't have matter a few months ago because I was hella screwed up and I figured nothing mattered. Now I suddenly am getting my shit together out of the blue so I just have to make sure you're not snarkly.
from patheticness :
lol well, thanks again, not sure to reply here or at your notes so will do both lol. I didn't know anybody else even came to this site anymore except me!
from musikoid :
Well - I also know what it's like not to receive notes for too long on this site lol. Thanks for yours as well...
from patheticness :
Wow a note, lol. Thank you so much for your kind words and my heart goes out to you too.
from musikoid :
I know what it's like to lose your mom. I'm sorry.
from patheticness :
nobody ever writes in my notes anymore waaah! Should be writing this in my journal but that would be even more pathetic of me. Miss all of my old friends I had here. Was bored and just re-reading some old stuff in my notes. Wish I knew whatever happened to some of you that meant so much to me and were there for me through some really tough times in my life. Rhi?? You ok out there? Chalet lines? Saudades? disolved girl? Ravenly, havent even seen you on fb in a while? I guess you guys won't see this though lol. later...
from vinternatt :
Hello there, I would like to express sympathy for your little girl who had never been born. It was indeed a rough thing what your ex-husband said; and I can imagine how painful it was to see the Facebook-message about your friend's big son! They say one can never forget their unborn children. I really feel for you, I hope you don't mind me - a stranger - write this. (I do not think you are pathetic.)
from patheticness :
Wow a note from someone new? Sorry just saw this dangerspouse. Didn't think anyone ever came here anymore. Thanks for ur comment!:)
from dangerspouse :
I know you're depressed, but I hope you have a happy birthday. If not now, at least in years to come.
from saudades :
ok, I will I will hehehe ;) Thanks for the story, yeah, I stopped by her old main (?) blog one day last year I think, and she was still writing, but ha! he got what he deserved. I'm glad that things became so good for you in ensuing years and that you got the blessings in life you always desired so much. xoxo. As for him, I found his blog back in 2000 and yours through his. Haha, I quickly got bored of his and just read yours! :D
from saudades :
PPS- Man, I'm such a bad friend. I still feel bad I didn't get on the computer to greet you on your day in October. From now on you're getting massive parties every birthday.
from saudades :
I'd add you to my list so that I could know when you update, but I better just bookmark you because I want to protect your privacy!!! XOXOXO :)
from saudades :
Oh man I never read that below until now. I'm sorry! <3
from saudades :
well, I hope he got himself sorted out.... whatever happened to the Katrina girl? I think she's still around. Whatever, she seemed a little weird in the head if you get what I mean.
from patheticness :
Tonight is the premeire of the Bachelor. This season, he is a Brittish guy. He's not even all that cute. English accents USED to make my heart "flutter", but now I think it will annoy me. It might be fun though that I'll understand some of his expressions and stuff, that the ordinary American girl would not.</P>By the way, my ear surgery went fine. It's still healing on the inside, so I have yet to notice a difference in my hearing and it still constantly rings, but this afternoon, I get the stitches on the outside taken out. I feel like Frankenstein. It's like the back of my ear was sewn back on, all the way down the length of the crease of my ear.</P>Not much else to update on really. The kids are doing great. Bradley is our little chunky linebacker, so cute.:)
from saudades :
we want more updates! lol
from patheticness :
Thanks so much Rhi, especially for letting me know that you are still here for me in "this" place too.:) And I'm sure you are right too...thanks...;)
from chalet-lines :
"It's just not "right." Is it?" if by right you mean normal, then of course it is, Sue! you and Daniel were the world to each other for so long. of course you still think of him, and you barely even do! you had a flashback, everyone does. i have flashbacks of old friends, family, of years long gone. everyone does, honey. i swear. you hear a song or see a picture or smell a perfume and all of a sudden you're back there. it's nostalgia. and i bet he does have these samefeelings toward you. you were so close. neither of you can just forget that, as if the other never existed. as if you didn't make a *huge* impact on each others lives/. i'm sorry, btw, that it took me so long to respond, i always forget to check in here when i'm not bothering to update. endless hugs and love coming at you.
from patheticness :
omg, I didn't know anyone still read this anymore! Thanks for the note saudades! It's been ages!;) And yeah...I don't know if that was him or not, who knows?
from saudades :
maybe that's not him. who knows?
from patheticness :
Thank you! And by the way, I know I've told you before,but there have been times in my life when you gave *me* the hope that I needed at the time too! So we are even, maybe...;) *hugs*!!
from chalet-lines :
lol sorry i was still logged in as you, but the below was mine heehee =P
from patheticness :
i proud and happy for you Sue, i cannot even put it into words. and you do give me hope doll. i don't have much of it lol but most is thanks to you *muah*
from patheticness :
Thanks so much Saudades!!! ((HUGS)) Sorry I didn't respond to you sooner. Can't wait to get hooked up online again at home. When? No clue just yet, but I'll let you know...;)
from saudades :
I want to send you a big wedding present and flowers and candy and baby products! I'd go to your wedding! Except you live too many hills away, and my feet get purple from walking intersates! Yo yo yo cheer up, more people than you know will come! Hey Jason has a strange sense of humor?? Oh gosh !!! :*)
from patheticness :
Thanks, and you are right...:)
from chalet-lines :
*gigantic hugs* i wish i could come Sue it breaks my heart for you...this is your big day...fuck them all...quality is better than quantity and all that and you have a lovely new little family.
from patheticness :
Hello there....:)Thanks for popping in Saudades...;)
from saudades :
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :)
from patheticness :
Thanks Chalet....;)
from chalet-lines :
fuck her...she is an immature little brat and you don't need her Sue...you are on to bigger and better things =)
from patheticness :
awwwwwwwww...thanks soooooooo much!!! I wish you lived nearby too!!!!! =( Thanks for the baby blankie, tee hee, I will cherish it in my heart....=) I miss you guys too btw... ((hugs))
from chalet-lines :
Sue why all your friends such assholes? grr. wish i lived nearby. had a dream the other nite that i did (right after a lovely dream about little debbie coffee cakes and circus peanuts...yum), and i bought a cute little blankie sleeper for your babe. i woke up before i got to come over with it though =( Sue i keep seeing such cute little baby things and wanting so bad to be there with you, i wouldn't be a dick like those, we could go shopping together, would be so nice. ah i'm prob the asshole, haven't read the entire entries, my eyes are bothering me. i'm rambling. i miss constant Sue updates. *sigh* have to remember you *do* have a life now lol. just know you are missed sweetheart. a lot.
from patheticness :
I'm trying to do a short one, but it won't let me do so!! Grrr!! Thanks so much for dropping in. I'm on my lunch right now, at the library, so not much time. I have written a longer entry on Friday, to post in my other journal, but can't do so until I stop at home tonight after work. I do miss you guys btw!
from saudades :
You must update soon! :D Lots of love
from patheticness :
I love you guys soooooooooo much---ALL of you (my "friends"!!) Thanks so much for coming to my defense, and for *knowing* me and *understanding* the real me truely. It means more than you can ever know. And you know what guys? Don't worry about me, cause I'm *FINE*, I don't need the BULLSHIT, it's OVER, it's the fucking PAST and I have a whole new life ahead of me now. I don't need to open up this can of worms again or get involved in any "battles", etc, etc. So, you guys don't need to either. Ignore the bullshit and let it go. Other ppl should too. Concentrate on your/their own lives and forget it. It's a lesson that took me LONG time to do and I obviously had a very difficult time doing it, but I HAVE!!! So none of this is going to start it all back up again damnit! Why NOW???? Guh!!!!! Enough said for now...;) ((Hugs)) to my friends!
from saudades :
Hey, Sue. I agree with the girls, no need for all this drama. And glistenen - to read even the comments in Sue's diary, what is it to you? You don't need to defend your friend. As Disolvedgirl pointed out, this was supposed to be a PRIVATE journal where Sue could talk about her most personal feelings without worrying about people she didn't trust reading. That can hardly be called two-faced. As you said, you were an acquaintance, not a friend. If Katrina went into hard times like those, you would probably support her just like we did Sue, so get off your moral high horse. We have nothing to apologize for.
from ravenly :
You need to IGNORE HIM. He is nothing but trouble in your life, trying to come back and stir shit up again. I really think he enjoys making you feel like shit about yourself. Think about it, you have this whole new awesome life youve dreamed about FINALLY, the FUCKING AMERICAN DREAM and he comes back in with his metaphorical bullshit and makes you cry. Him and K GET OFF on how they make you feel, he is so riddled with his own fucked up mental problems. You are 100% entitled to see things YOUR WAY and YOU were right about him and K from the VERY beginning! How does that make sense for what he calls Skewed perception? Id say you were right on target! You were probably right on target for most of it, he just thinks he can come in with an army of adjectives and metaphors and attempt to sound intelligent. His comment about how he tried and tried and (oh do you feel the drama here?) even went down to a childs level of intelligence to explain himself is NOTHING more but a VERY obvious attempt at making you feel stupid and make you question your thoughts/feelings. Ive read your journal from the very beginning. ANYone with an iq over 15 can see you were hurt and were doing NOTHING more than venting your feelings. In YOUR DIARY, from YOUR PERSPECTIVE (which, I will say again, you were obviously RIGHT ON TARGET with him and K before you even FOUND OUT For sure). This is YOUR place to do/say/feel/scream. You even went as far as to put a disclaimer on your journal! Dont let him get you down sweetie, I wish wish wish I could make you see how obviously pathetic HE is, and not you. You are/were just blinded with feelings. Screw the rest of those jerks that feel the need to come in here and tell you that your feelings are wrong and that you should feel bad for writing what you want. ITS YOUR JOURNAL! You not only had your heart completely shattered by the ONE person you loved most and trusted most, but then you find out that shortly after he is seeing someone else and placing their whole relationship on the fucking net for you to read. I am sorry, but MOST PEOPLE would not have the courage to avoid reading a personal journal of someone they love, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL! And you said recently that K had written somewhere in her journal that at their very first meeting at some pub there was thoughts of KISSING but they couldn't so glistenen obviously doesnt know her friend THAT well to say that nothing wasn't even a *thought* of them hooking up because why K write that in her journal if it were completely innocent?
from disolvedgirl :
There's a lot I could say but it'll just get me all worked up, so I'll just say this...First, I didn't realize you had linked to Daniels journal from here. Guess I missed that part. Second, glistenen is wrong about you thinking the world revolves around you. It is completely understandable that you would read into the things on people's journals when you are upset. It doesn't mean you think the world revolves around you, it just means you are upset and sensitive. *I* certainly don't think the world revolves around you, and I came to prety much the same conclusions as you. Everyone has their issues and problems, even those who would like to think the a large readership gives them, in their words "validation." Whatever. "They" just lost a reader. Third, not that anyone who was bothered by this journal would be reading this, but I want to point out that Sue did not advertise this journal. She didn't say "hey look here! Im going to say mean things about my ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend!" She didn't even use their names, so as not to show up on searches. She invited certain people here to read what she was embarassed/afraid/whatever to put in Blondeness. Her writings were honest and if someone feels that they were offensive to themselves, or a friend, they need to realize that the world DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND THEM. Sue did this for HERSELF. Ok thats all for now.
from chalet-lines :
'are you really that person?' - god that just annoyed me more than anything else i think. probably because it seems, who the hell is he to ask this, look at himself, he changed in 1 fucking second and had you wondering for months who the hell he was anymore. and what did you do to deserve that question? because you were oversensitive at times? because you were upset? because you were fucking heartbroken and needed to be sad, angry, rant and poke fun? i am so proud of you Sue, for putting all this shit behind you and moving on, you are so strong honey. out with the old, in with the new, eh ;) *hugs* i am with u, always sweetheart, love u, rhiannon.
from patheticness :
agreed.
from glistenen :
I agree that the last thing you need is more drama, especially with the baby on the way. I hope you understand my anger at your statements, and defense of my friend. I did consider you a good aquaintance at one point, but this will be the last time I talk to you. Ha, no great loss for either of us I suppose.
from patheticness :
I have to say I totally agree with you and it's not worth arguing. I've said everything I need to say in my entry. Thanks for your input--it's over now---the last thing I need is more Daniel/Katrina/anyone associated with them DRAMA. I have a life to live.
from glistenen :
Perhaps I shouldn't have put it "made stuff up" but you have been over analyzing Katrina's diary an obsessed freak and turning it into demented laments and diatribes to YOU. I'm sorry, the world does not evolve around Sue. AND there was NOTHING going on between Katrina and Daniel before or immediately after the breakup. It took ages for either of them to get interested in the other, believe me I know. Katrina told me everything that happened when it started happening, and it was months after you and Daniel were history. I guess it just makes you feel better to call Katrina a bitch, even though it's you making up the bitchyness in the first place, with your overactive imagination. You'll go believe what you want, because your "friends" who defend you seem to make you feel validated inside. At least I KNOW both sides of the story. I do empathize with you, I really do, but this diary and the injustices you've been pouring on my friend are disgusting. I told you, long ago, to not read their diaries, that it would do NOTHING but hurt you. NOT because there was something there to hurt you, but because I KNEW you would blow the tiniest thing out of proportion. You did it anyway, and look what's happened. Urgh.
from patheticness :
Not that I need to defend myself, but I'm sorry I never MADE anything up about anybody==?? Excuse me? Whatever...
from glistenen :
Hey Sue. This was an interesting read to say the least. I'm glad I got to see how you really feel about me and my best friend. How did saudades put it? "Don't worry about K's friend, she's just as ****ed up as she is!!! LOL LOL LOL" and your response was "LOL, thanks I needed that?" Ha. Yeah, thanks heaps. You should take me off your favorites list because I am disgusted to be associated with someone so two faced and fake. I'm not sorry. I hope that now you are pregnant and to be married you can stop making stuff up about my friends, and about me.
from ravenly :
OMG SWEETIE! (((HUGS))) How amazingly awesome! I can't believe how great this is, that FINALLY your dreams are realized...Soak it all up and realize how wonderful this truly is :) Love ya lots :)
from patheticness :
omg! I missed you tooooooooo!! Thank you so much for dropping by and for your wishes.:) And actually, we're sorta hoping for a boy first, but either would be welcome with open arms why of course!=) Just hope for it not to be twins, k? LOL!
from entwined :
oh my god...has it really been this long? im so happy for you!!! =) i really am. good luck and lots of kisses and lucks, ive missed hearing from you. =) ive been so busy, but i know everything's going to be alright for you. i hope its a girl. =)
from patheticness :
"all those times u were terrified u would never have this and now it is all here, no dreaming at all, just ur beautiful life." Those words really hit home and made me realize...wow...thank you so much sweetie! It's good to hear from ya! ;)
from chalet-lines :
oh my god Sue i am *so* happy for u, wow i can't believe, this is so wonderfully amazing, i can't even describe it. i am so glad u have finally found ur place, ur family. u see? all those times u were terrified u would never have this and now it is all here, no dreaming at all, just ur beautiful life. *hugs & all my love* ...so SO happy for the both of u =)
from patheticness :
LOL Thank you all!! And yes immer, you still read?? thanks...;) ((hug)) more updates after the weekend!
from immer :
CONGRATULATIONS!! (see, i still read)
from ravenly :
Do you realize I got online today AT WORK just to see what the outcome was??? Still waiting to hear from ya, but WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO I am sooooooooo happy for ya :) :) :) :) :)
from saudades :
:D AHHHH WOW!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, GIRLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((BIG, BIG, BIG HUG)))))))
from ravenly :
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I am sooooooo excited for you :) :) :) *jumps around and dances* Yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww :) I want more details!!!
from ravenly :
Oh sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SOOOOOOO HOPING AND PRAYING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! Yes, I DO want you to test NOW, but trust me I understand your desire to wait... But in the meantime, know that I am praying and hoping my heart out that you ARE pregnant, sweetie you DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!! I will refrain from jumping up and down til you tell us, but you better be writing an entry come Thursday!!!!!! :)
from patheticness :
Thanks so much Saudades...:) Now I have come home to find I hear from two "missing souls".;) Hugs to you too and may you have a wonderful year ahead. That goes to all of you! Psst! Rhi! Gotcher email...;) patience? Thanks..:)
from saudades :
Just dropping in to say hi and let you know I'm still here and I'm sending you a hug. Happy New Year! :)
from patheticness :
Raven, you are NOT Pathetic!!! >:l I'm sorry I wasn't around if you needed to vent. I will be back online later to catch up some, and to do a couple of entries. In the meantime, *hugs* are being sent your way!! And to everyone else also! I've been unable to access Saudades and Chalet's journals!! :( Email me!!!
from ravenly :
Hey there pathetic,,, I think I will steal Pathetic and you can keep blondeness. Cuz right now I AM PATHETIC!!!!!!!! I am one drunk and two very upset at copdude...Maybe I'll post an entry to explain..MAYBE I WONT"!!!!!!! Either way I am soooooooooooo freak upset at theworld..life sucks..But it IS nice to hear that nice people like you and jason do get their way every once in a while.
from patheticness :
oops...how do I edit that? Who is that blondeness person? I meant to say "patheticness junkie", yeah, yeah...;)
from patheticness :
I feel like it is---shark free that is....I sure hope so...:) And thank you so much for the encouragement and support and smile by the way. It does mean a lot...:) And in between my "diving" in and enjoying life, I will try my best to come here and update for you, my Blondeness Junkie, lol, and keep up on you too...:) *HUGS*!!!
from ravenly :
She lives onnnnnnnnnnn :) Yay :) Thank God you updated...I can finally relax and let go of this obsession! I know what you are saying about having a fear of happiness. Because you are afraid of it slipping through your fingers...But you've jumped in now and I am willing to bet these waters are shark-free :)
from ravenly :
uhm, Hello??? can anyone hear me?? Is this the phantom diary of patheticness? where OH WHERE is sheeeeeeeeeeeeee??????????????????????
from saudades :
Where have you been, Sue? :)I hope you're having fun out there. Ciao!
from chalet-lines :
Subconscious, stop being such a dick and let Sue get on with her life, she deserves to be happy, stop getting in the way!
from ravenly :
GIRL! Where are yououuououou??? talk soon!
from patheticness :
*hugs* to you Raven! I'm trying...eeek!!! I am.... thanks! =)
from ravenly :
Hey girlie :) What awesome news!!!!!!! I am soooo happy for you! Its ok to be scared, that is what love is all about. If you WEREN"T scared, it wouldn't be right, you wouldn't be in love. Fear is a natural thing as well as doubts. My problem is I DON"T fear. I DON"T fall in love. Be happy about where you are, squeeze your eyes shut, hold your breath and JUMP right in sweetie! Its life, live it ;)
from patheticness :
chalet, That is just what I needed to hear, and thank you...:) but would you tell my sub-concious that now too??
from chalet-lines :
*hugs* to u both, Saudades, i hope life eases up on u and Sue, i hope u can chase away the doubts in ur heart, they take up too much space, not enough room for all the love =)
from saudades :
Thanks, Sa. ((HUGS) to you too. :) I'm really happy for you!!!! Don't think about "losing" anything, just enjoy!!!! :)
from patheticness :
*HUGS* to Saudades!!!! :(
from saudades :
Hi. :) I haven't been around much, either. I've been a little bit depressed and sort of down and out lately, but hopefully I'll cheer up soon.
from patheticness :
*HUGS*!!!!!!!!! I am so happy to hear from you, and all that you say (as is the usual case)!! But I never got either email....:( Try sending again? Thanks sweetie! Now, what happened to Saudades and to Raven too? You out there? :p I should talk. I pull disappearing acts too...:rolleyes:
from chalet-lines :
hon u are so sweet to worry about me, i'm ok though, i sent a reply to ur dream email, it was about a day later but i sent it off, have u still not received it? grr stupid computers! i will resend it in a bit...as far as s goes, fuck him, he doesn't deserve ur time, u have 2 lovely new people in ur life, and u *definitely* are good enough for them hon u deserve nothing but the best *hugs*
from patheticness :
Yay! I missed you too!!! Can't wait for the updates! Thanks so much for dropping in!!! Now where is Chalet?? hmm.....??
from entwined :
im back. =) i missed you. im so happy for you. updates soon. =) take care! mwahs
from patheticness :
Thanks Chalet and Saudades...;) And yes, my babes are adorable, thank you...:p So many entries I keep beginning, offline for here---soon to come---so hard to find the time! Love ya guys!!
from chalet-lines :
aw i loved all the piccies, ur babes look so sweet together! and u and Jason make a cute couple =)
from saudades :
Hey, what are you talking about? What disclaimer? What? You look so cute in that photo!!! :)
from patheticness :
Thank you both.... Saudades, I hold nothing against his daughter. I don't even KNOW his daughter yet, and so far, up until he did THIS, he has been a nice guy, really, and I REALLY do like him a lot... I wish I had done more entries on more about him... It feels like such little time...but still... I'll have to get into it... I'm giving him a chance. I really don't feel it's right of me to just "dump" him for this. It's not that he didnt' know what to do. I think he just simply forgot, from the way he acted. I think he knew he should have done *something*, from the way he is treating this whole thing as much more than it should be so soon..... more later thanks to both of you... *hugs*
from saudades :
Hi Sue. Happy belated birthday! :) I'm sorry I didn't read it was your birthday earlier! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You should tell us about what you did with your sister and your niece. That must have been fun. What can I say to you about Jason? I'm sorry he forgot your birthday. Maybe he didn't know exactly what to do. What would you have done if it had been his birthday? I don't want you to get mad if I say this, but it looks like you don't really like his daughter and you don't really like the way he acts. Why not wait for a guy whom you like everything about? Those are the relationships that are worth the strife. But then again, that's just what I think. I hope you feel better soon and that stuff works out, but if it doesn't, wait for the right one!
from chalet-lines :
aw Happy Birthday sweetheart and fuck him, he is a selfish asshole, he is only wrapped up in himself and whatever is in his life right now, he is only in the moment, u can't live like that, he is a shit and i wish he hadn't done that to u, i'm sorry, u did not deserve that *hugs* i hope u had a good time anyway
from patheticness :
*hugs* back, and lol. No, he already believed he was female for how long? lol
from chalet-lines :
*hugs* so glad to hear it went so well hon...btw i think u shoudl stick with Princess for his name hehe i like boys with girls names...i'm wierd;)
from patheticness :
hmmmmmmmm...more names to ponder...guh...lol thanks again for that "cats" site address, btw...;) Not that it helped me, miss picky....lol....
from disolvedgirl :
Thanks for the note... What really gets to me is that, even though Im not CERTAIN, Im pretty sure based on the way things happened that if the misunderstanding with human resources had not happened, I would have gotten the job.... Anyway, its over now, and at the very least Im not stressing about it and obsessing about the phone ringing... I hate that feeling. About the kitten, Ive always thought Mestopholes would be a good name for a cat (its from the musical Cats) I cant remember any of the other names from the show but there are some good ones... Another thing I thought might be cute, since he "lied" to you about his gender is Pinnochio :-) April
from patheticness :
ok I'll send again then...;)
from saudades :
I didn't get that e-mail for some reason. I wonder if something's wrong with my e-mail.
from patheticness :
ok...sent! ;) And thank you so much again, and yes you are right...i HAVE come a long way. And you know what I have learned, wow..that TONIGHT I am NOT going to read S's journal and spoil my great mood!!! I'm so proud of me....=) *HUG*!!!!
from saudades :
You can send them to me if you want my opinion. :) I'm sorry... I know how you feel about S. It's okay. It doesn't mean you're going back to something, it's just part of the fact that the scars from that may never fully go away, but it doesn't meant they'll always hurt. A day may come when you don't hurt so much. You'll give all that happened a few thoughts, but you'll go back to thinking about something else pretty soon afterwards, and when you do think it won't hurt. Think back to January. You've managed to overcome pain you never thought you could. Be easier on yourself. You should be proud of how long you've come. We are. :) (hug)
from patheticness :
ok April, they are sent...;) any one else? Just say the word and they are sent. I need more opinions anyway, lol, dunno WHY!!! Because I no longer trust my own judgements on anything....lol....
from disolvedgirl :
Hey! I want to see the pictures! You know my email address. Please? April
from patheticness :
saud, Gotcha! I will watch what I say. I've already thought of that. I told him in an email before, that I keep an "offline" journal, but he probably knows better, who knows? And erica, Yes, I'll be careful..already a plan...;) You will need to tell me your stories too!! email me soooooooooooon!!!! :p *hugs* to you guys--eeek...wish me luck with this...:p
from ravenly :
GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!! I am SOOO Proud of you for doing that! You are going to have SOOO much fun!!!!! I did that last year and had A BALL and will be doing it again SOON once I get moved into my new house I just bought! (Forgot to tell you that!!!!) Anyhoo, congrats & be CAREFUL, make sure and only meet at public places. make sure and update often! I will be starting my diary once I get in the groove of things and you and I will compare notes :) Love ya! E
from saudades :
Oh, I forgot to say: please take care of yourself, Sa. Sleep well, eat well, and remember not to worry too much! It'll all work out, don't worry too much! Don't stress yourself out. (((HUGS)))
from saudades :
Hey Sa'! I was just reading your other diary, and I was like, oh, no -man! don't tell more about the ad in your other diary, unless it develops/materializes completely. If I were you, I'd be guarding myself against S. He and his company are like a pack of wolfs. In your recent entries you keep saying "I'm not going to write about this HERE..." People could take it that it implies you have another diary. Whenever you say that, you could say, "This is for my paper journal only," or something like that. Don't give anyone any clues about where your diary is. I don't know, this could be just a pile of paranoid, know-nothing advice, but I just have a "feeling" that you should protect this diary from people you don't want reading it as much as possible. About the ad, I hope that if you do get in touch with someone, they are really nice, and don't forget to take all the safety precautions everyone knows about this thing, and NO... it's no "desperate," it's just trying something new.Hey, why not? There might be some nice guys out there... I'm GLAD you are making all of these decisions, it's like saying, "Hey, guess what, bitch? I still have my dignity!" and you do, you are the best! :) Love and hugs to you!!!!
from patheticness :
Thanks Erica...:) And you are right, about all you said, this I know now, trust me. And I intend to do all that you said, but still not sure about the rubberband thing, LOL!! :p *hug*!! thanks for signing me.....:)
from ravenly :
Hey girlie...Put a rubberband on your wrist and everytime you get the urge to go sneak a peek at their journal, snap it!!!! Better to feel a little phsyical pain for a few seconds than emotional pain for hours/days/etc. Forget they even exist!! I know that the "friendship" with Daniel means alot to you, but think about what it is REALLY doing to you! Other than occasionally throwing you a crumb of hope it is causing you more pain than anything. Sweetie, trust me, it is WAY too hard to maintain a friendship with someone you have those feelings for, ESPECIALLY when there is someone else involved. Sweetie, please MOVE ON!!! Work on yourself, from the inside out, get to know YOU, what SARAH wants/needs for herself and no one else. Then and only then can you offer yourself, wholly and fully to someone else and feel that TRUE, everlasting love. I honestly believe that Daniel was more to fill a void in your heart/soul that was lacking in your marriage than an actual "soul mate". You WILL find someone that treats as well as Daniel (ahem, ALLEGEDLY) did. And they will be perfect for you in so many different ways, ways you nor I can probably imagine. My (gag) parents are a perfect example of this. They have an amazing relationship, even after all of these years. It DOES happen, and WILL happen to the BOTH OF US SO HELP ME GOD!!!! Love ya lots, Erica
from patheticness :
wow thanks so much guys, because I needed to hear all that from you, cause I went and read her dland journal...ugh... I wish I could somehow put a BLOCK on myself from going to certain sites, lol! Like parents could put blocks on sites for thier kids, but then I would know the code or whatever...hmmm.. I keep thinking maybe the more I read, the more it will sink in, but do I WANT it to sink in anymore, haven't I tortured myself ENOUGH??? Yeah, it probably won't last....and he'll try to come crawling back after she dumps him, at least as my friend..,...and maybe one day he will grow up and realize what he did to me, and it will be too late. It IS already too late. How could I have been so foolish to think I was loved more than anyone, and that it would be forever? Yeah...right.... *HUGS*....say more stuff guys, bash them some more, get me angry at him again, make me hate them both, make me realize how grateful I should be for not being a part of his life anymore? Thanks....;) Love ya all!!!!
from chalet-lines :
god...i can't believe what he said about u breaking it off 'hit and run' um what the fuck does he think he did to u? its not like u had never thought about ending contact and then woke up one day and decided to do it, u had been agonising over this for such a long time...honey do not let him do this shit to u, do not apologise, do not give a shit because he has no problem with any of the things he says or k says, he doesn't apologise for them or take them back. u have every right to feel the way u do. he knows it so all he can do is throw things back at u, try and make u feel bad. *hugs* don't worry about him anymore, don't read his diary anymore (as difficult as i know this is), don't bother with him. he has been treating u like garbage long enough, he can go fuck himself.
from saudades :
That motherf'er, man, if I had a baseball bat, now... LOL!! I wouldn't hesitate to use it on him. And Erica, girl, YOU finally came here and said it just STRAIGHT, man, straight: "their lovey-dovey ain't-gonna-last-more-than-a-year crap". EXACTLY. *Exactly*. You watch, Sarah, just you watch how it all comes down. They're both WAYYYYYY TOOO YOUNG to know left from right when it comes to life and long-term relationships. He was such a smartass to you. I'm PROUD of you for lashing out. That motherfucker. He deserved it!!!!!!!!!!! Just you watch, though! This little fairy tale with K isn't going to last long. You can tell from miles that it's going nowhere but to breakup dumpee land. You made the right decision, Sarah. A million ((HUGS)) for you! You're our heroine!
from patheticness :
omg!! Erica??? *HUG*!!!!! I sent you an email, explaining how, and where, did you not get it??:p email me your current email address. Mine is the same. Then I will tell you. And YES, I want to get together tooo!!!! And I'm working on finding some kind of college or park class one night a week, to enrich my 'soul', have fun, get out, and maybe even maybe meet ppl??? wish me luck!:)
from ravenly :
Hey girlie, Its good ole Erica from MI. Anyhoo, I am dyinnnggg to know how on earth you found his journal. I did what YOU did but ddin't find anythign! Where is it??? Ok, that bastard is an ASS as I have told you at least 1000 times before. I agree with what everyone else has said on here. He is not nearly good enough for you!!!!!! you WILL find htat one great person!! YOU WILL!! You just have to believe it in your heart! It could happen tomorrow!!! You are too good of a person to have to deal with this crap and read their lovey-dovey-aint-gonna-last-more-than-a-year crap. They are both WAYYY too young to think they have found the "one" and so much will change for the both of them in the comign years. You wait, you watch... I hope we can plan another get together soon!!! I miss the CITY!!!! Love ya kiddo, take care and quit reading and here are a thousand ((((HUGS)))) for you! erica aka ravenly
from patheticness :
yeah...he's an ass... and now he KNOWS damnit, he KNOWS I know of his journal, yet he did not hesitate to do an oh so wonderful entry about her and how he wantted to sneak off somewhere and remove her garments!! He can't even express how he feels about saying goodbye to me....not even to me... fuck him...fuck him so much fuck him K, hope he enjoys it :***( WHY am I still reading???????????????????
from disolvedgirl :
oh jeeeeez. As i was reading your entry, i was thinking... I bet she ends up telling him that she found his journal... because I knew that he would be telling you all that crap about "misconceptions" and stuff and I figured you would want to finally let him know that you "caught" him. And as soon as that thought entered my head i KNEW that if you did tell him you found it, he was going to be very very short with you and try to turn it around to look like "poor me" and thats EXACTLY what he did! He KNEW he was caught in the lie of it all. And i DO consider it a lie when he is telling you things like "reading this, you have a lot of misconceptions about my life at the moment" Bullshit!! He took exactly the route I knew he would. People dont like to have their lies exposed. I hope you can finally let this go now, after seeing this side of him. I know I sure dont like him much :-P April
from patheticness :
lol you're welcome saudades but you know, what hit me most? He's back...the same old S I love, how he is capable of loving with everything he has, being so romantic, so caring...only NOW it's with HER...:*( oh well over
from saudades :
Thanks for your e-mail! Well, what can I say? He's someone else. How weird, what time does to you. Yeah, c'mon, my advice does suck. Yeah, I agree with you: to hell with him,too!
from saudades :
Thanks for your e-mail! Well, what can I say? He's someone else. How weird, what time does to you. Yeah, c'mon, my advice does suck. Yeah, I agree with you: to hell with him,too!
from patheticness :
It's ok...;) And no, you don't bog me down! I appreciate it...:) I'll admit, sometimes I'm not READY to accept all of it, depending on mood swings, but I come around...;) And I'll email you about my 'findings', which were an honest accident! :o
from saudades :
Sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you. I have a thought to cheer you up: you are a REAL woman. K's just a confused teenager. :) How did you find their diaries? I'm just curious, maybe you can tell me through e-mail or something, but if you can't, that's okay. I'll try to find some computer nerd advice. I don't know if I have mentioned that before. I hope you are feeling better. I'm sorry to always "bog you down" with my crappy advice. I only want you to know I'm here to give you support!
from patheticness :
oops too late it doesn't matter though I don't work with him anymore or commuicate at all with him anymore, and if I don't ever hear from him agian, it won't be any different than it was before the email. I'm fine with it, I am not going to feel humiliated when I will never see him again most likely, and if I do, then it's a good thing, or whatever..:p Thanks though..:)
from saudades :
Sorry, I posted that too soon! I can only hope you won't e-mail him. He may be SHOCKED to read all that, especially the apart about "What did I do wrong(Because I want to live and learn)" He's NOT going to "get" it at all, and it'll be all just a big confusion. I hope you think twice before you e-mail him!
from saudades :
OMG, DON'T e-mail Juan! If I were you, I would SO not e-mail him. You may regret that e-mail for a LONG time. REALLY. Don't do it! I will try to come up with some computer advice. I am so sorry about it all! It rips me apart!
from patheticness :
one more thing, disolved girl? HOW on EARTH did you find them????:p I mean with me it was an accident, I just stumbled across it almost, but HOW??:p Don't tell me here..shhh...tell me via email or icq, k?;)
from patheticness :
Thanks so much to both of you...and for the little laugh at the hillarious mocking of their babbling! LOL! And if he does, which he will in time, discover, then good, because I don't WANT to go there and that will give me the strength I need to stay away...;) *hugs* to you all....so many, many hugs of joy and light...no, no...of love....=)
from chalet-lines :
ok well i should really be sleeping and there isn't much else i could say that i didn't already email but i wanted to leave u a little note here and let u know i am thinking of u sweetie...and i agree with dissolved girl, don't want to make u paranoid but *deeni* is a computer freak, he could prob find out if he got the feeling u knew where they were...also agree with dgirl that if they find out u know where they are they will start babbling...geez i always thought my babbling was annoying and obnoxious...come on treeni let's go to yon house of my coosine personage, wear ur dress of light, lalalalala...god...tell me they will not be sick to death of each other after a fucking year of that shit.
from disolvedgirl :
grrr. I just wrote a long note and when i tried to post it, diaryland went down for about 5 minutes and i lost it. grrrrrr. Anyway, im not gonna spend too muh time on this one in case it happens again, but I was basically saying that I found all the websites/journals you were talking about (im am sooo good.) and i dont think you should go on reading them. its just gonna make you sad. also, if they have a counter or tracker on the site, and daniel knows your IP address or even the name of your isp, which im sure he does, then they will know that you have been there. so dont be surprised if they password it. i wanted to send him an email saying something like "So you are in love again, and planning all those things you said you could never have. Are you planning on breaking her heart too?" but I figured they would then quit speaking in regular language and start saying things like "I am going toi flyyyy with the sleeeevies and then i will eat some cheese. then I will dance in the grass of LIGHT. oh LIGHT" So i didnt send it. Im amazed that she can write so many real sentences one right after the other like that. HA. Anyway, just remember that you didnt find out anything that you didnt already SUSPECT, so please dont let it get you down too much. At least you know the truth now. :-( April
from patheticness :
Thanks again for all you say....:) And thanks for making me a year..well..a little more younger...shhh!! :p And adoption? Well..I dunno...to be honest, I have thought about artificial insemination one day, if I ever get desparate enough...if I am 40 and no man or kids yet...but...I dunno... And adoption would me more....a good thing...for a poor child who needs a mom... But here is the thing. I want the whole dream. I want my child to have a father, to know it's father, I want to share the whole "family" experience, and I feel that is better for the child. And my friend, Michelle, she has been trying adoption for years now, with one heartbreak after the next, the money is a LOT, and the Mother's change their minds a lot...in her case...:*(
from saudades :
I would have cried reading that long entry ("Commence long entry") if I weren't in the middle of a lobby right now. OMG, Sarah! I wish I just knew you in person so that I could be there for you. I would make you peppermint tea or blueberry smoothies, depending on the temperature outside and sit there and just be there. I know all I can give you is advice and words and my own wisdom, my own experience, but I know what it's like when friends give you words and their wisdom. I'm think, "What the ---- are you thinking? Doing THAT would kill me. She just doesn't know what she's talking about," and you know? It's so true. Some friends go ahead and give me really positive advice, but they don't understand what I'm feeling, they don't understand he is my BEST FRIEND (or was, I don't know... :*(... good lord, you know?) So, all I can do is be here for you. Oh, good lord, this is how we get the training to be good grandmothers one day. AND FORGET WHAT THE LITTLE WEASEL STACIE TOLD YOU!! You can't have children anymore? BULLSHIT!!!! BULLSHIT!!!! My aunt just had her child about five years ago, and she was like 43 or older! YOU HAVE TIME, MAN!! Listen to me, what Stacie told you is *B*U*L*L*S*H*I*T*!!!! You are *SO* still able to have children, man. 32 is by no way in HELL old. Just a few years ago, you were still in your twenties! It's nothing! 90% of the women I know who are mothers had their child PAST age 30. No way, girl. Stacie might be trying to be nice in a way, don't take it against her, but, GIRL, believe you me, you are not old AT ALL. I know SO MANY people who are way older than you who have had their first kid. It's all a matter of what is happening in your mind! You are as young as you think! You look about six years younger than you are in those picies you posted! Don't let what Stacie told you bother you at all. Are you menstruating? Then you are still so able to be a mom, girl! In about 21 years, you'll stop menstruating, or even later, THEN you can tell me you are worried, but by then you are going to be a happy mommy and your kid might even be old enough to live away from home by then, so don't worry!!!!!! That shouldn't be something you are worried about, no way. Let me ask you something else that I'm just curious about, have you ever thought about adoption? I always think about it, even though I've never even had sex. What do you think about that? I'm just curious, b/c maybe some day I might do it. I don't know. I just want to know what you think about that. :) LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
from saudades :
Okay, I think it's clear already how I feel about her sexual inuendos and all the love she is experiencing and whatnot (it makes me feel really bad for you, I understand how you're feeling, believe me.... so at least here's the advice from someone who cares about you, and feels your pain because she's felt the exact same pain recently....) So I won't even discuss my reactions so much as what I think about it all, and how you should avoid getting hurt in the future. It hurts like hell to admit it to ourselves, Sue, but he's in love with that girl for better or for worse and obviously he DOES NOT give a care about who may come upon her diary because, as you know, he is full of that bullshit in his head that it's her diary, oooooh, ooooh, waaaaah, waaaaaah, her personal little space. Let him think that bullshit if he wills it so. Who gives a flying fuck anymore? It is you we're worried about. He's very immature in relationship to how you would feel. Perhaps it's not that he doesn't CARE about the fact that you are suffering. I don't think he CONSCIOUSLY is saying, "All right now, let's hurt Sue, let's see how we can hurt her." It's just that in his mind, either you are not reading, you are not feeling hurt, you are not SHOWING signs of response, so he goes along thinking what he may think. He isn't going to change in thinking that. He thinks what he likes to think, and he doesn't know WHY perhaps what she is posting could be hurting you. Obviously, if he is with her, he does not love you in "that" way anymore. I know that is like a knife splitting you from the gut, through the heart, and up, but realize his mind is full of other thoughts. He is thinking about himself and about K where he is concerned. He is not so much thinking about you in the loving way he did, let's say a year ago. That's just the way it is, and it is a damn hard thing to know, believe you me, but at least you know now. He may care about your feelings very much, in fact he probably does. I can't see how he wouldn't unless he is an absolute jerk, and I get the feeling that he deep down is not just someone who threw you out the window and laughed it all up. No. He is not like that. I'll give him THAT credit, THAT benefit of the doubt. Someone who loved you that much and who cared about you so much, and who was your closest, deepest friend for so long, cannot suddenly go like an evil clown and laugh you all up like that, that he just simply wants to hurt you and doesn't care. So if you can find some relief in that, then good, but I understand if you can't. I mean, I am going through basically the same thing RIGHT NOW, the same kind of experience where someone loved you and all of a sudden woke up one day and decided you were wrong for him, and the next day he was telling you about some beautiful girl he is falling in love with, and he thinks it is all okay in a way. Why? Because he's a guy, I think! After all! After ALL, it turns out that this love of mine IS a guy, not a perfect boy without something that is going to hurt you. So I'm coping with the same things as you. You have much more reason to be hurt because you were together for so long, and I know that, and that's why my heart goes out to you, and as a bystander, as someone who can perhaps look at it in an objective way (of course, I'm 100% in your side, not his, so it is objective only to the point where I care about your happiness and that is all), what I think the deal is and what I would do if I were in your shoes, knowing what I know through having read your diary for more than two years. Okay, first of all, what you are doing is playing a game with him. "Let's see who cares first, let's see how much we can torture each other by not writing, let's see who suffers more, let's see who can show her/his love first," and I notice, Sue, that be it because we're women and have more of an upper nature, we think about feelings more than they, the men, do. So this guy isn't suffering like you. No way. If her were, he would have broken down a long time ago. He does not sit there agonizing for one of your e-mails anymore; instead, he found someone else who is meeting all his current needs, just like you met his past needs. I know that may sound harsh, and it is; I *KNOW* there is more to what you two had than that, you have SO much more, you have DREAMS, you had so strong a dream and a wish for the future, and together you felt like nothing could come between you. But there you go, his head got messed up. He had an emotional breakdown. Suddenly this wasn't exactly what I wanted, and he left the relationship he was in with you because for GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT REASON he couldn't take it. God only KNOWS what it was, Sue. He never gave you the right answer, and I think it's because he himself didn't know. Obviously, it wasn't being in a relationship because, look! just a few months after he changed his whole outlook about how he was just "DESIGNED" to not be in one. God, is that boy young. Is he naive. So knowing all this, I think you should just cut it off once and for all. What is hurting you, Sue? Reading her diary, waiting for his e-mails, being on a silent game of "let's see who can write first, let's see if he actually gives a damn," and EVERY time he leaves a little note in your notes feature or sends you a little something, you send him ten thousand times the love he is sending you. It hurts me so much to have to say this, I know it is so hard to hear, but he doesn't love you anymore - not that way- and perhaps even the friendship that you had is lost. If you ever want to be friends again, you're going to have to be COMPLETELY honest with him, COMPLETELY, 100% HONEST. If reading her diary is hurting you like hell, don't send him messages where you insult him, don't wage a war against anyone. Only you will get hurt in that war. My advice? Do the hard thing, and do it for you, for your life, in order to find real love again, the only way to do this is to find yourself again. There was a time when you didn't know Daniel at all and you still survived, and you still dreamt of a happy future, you still had wishes, and you still had that will to live that is inherent and ever-present in ALL humans. Sue, the future can be so much better than the past. It is hard to believe, but that is where your joy lies, that is where your peace lies. It is INCREDIBLY hard to accept that all you have is the present and the future. Change your thoughts, Sue. Know yourself again, and this doesn't mean superficially, it means really getting to the crust of who you are and what you want to do. BELIEVE ME, Sue, any happiness you find with a man is momentary. Some marriages work, but that doesn't mean they don't have to face difficulties and stress. Having a child can be the best feeling in the world, but ultimately, the child is also another person, not you. Nothing can fill you inside except you. Nothing can make you complete except you. The day you begin to love yourself deeply, sincerely, the day you RESPECT yourself and never say you are pathetic (because you are NOT!) is the day in which you won't measure yourself by any role you have with another person, be it your spouse, lover, your child, or a member of your family, or a close friend, or anyone. Your love and respect for yourself should stem from the fact that YOU are the person called Sue, and that you are INHERENTLY full of love to give and full of worth of being loved. That is the only truth, and it cannot change, at any time, even if the love of your life or whom you thought was the love of your life leaves you. You are still 100% worthy of being loved and full OF love. It is inmutable and unchageable, and that is why certain people are happy even though they're single. I KNOW you want an established,loving, caring relationship, and a family, but before you get to that point you have TO CLEAN HOUSE INSIDE YOURSELF, because if you don't, you will keep suffering disappointment after disappointment, and become jaded, and become hurt. Don't worry anymore. Simply tell Daniel the truth, and I think the truth is this (but don't forget that this is only advice and that the real answer lies only in your lips, in your words, in your truths. If *I*, Ana, were Sue, I would write Daniel an e-mail entitled something like "Urgent/Important, please read very soon." And it would lie the whole truth: Dear Daniel, I now can accept that you don't love me anymore. I now won't participate in any recrimination against you. If you want to know the truth, what K has put in her journal has made my life hell in the past weeks. It hurts so much. I just want you to know that in order for me to heal, I can't keep up with this game. I can't wait for you to write when you please. I agonize about you, and no matter what, that is not right. I think we should end the friendship now if you can't at least let me in a little bit." Maybe that's what you need, Sue. Forget him. Forget his love. Forget his friendship. Simply, cease to care about him and anything he does if it hurts you. If something he does is hurting you and you can't work it out between the two of you anymore, then simply end it. I know it is hard, but it is also the only way you two could ever be friends in the future. You're not going to be friends if you keep expecting more than what he is giving, which is almost nothing at all. It hurts so much, I really know how you feel. :( But it is the only way to begin cleaning house inside, being happy WITHOUT a man, and THEN, *only* then, can the future you dream of really come true, because then you'll be a full person. There is a great secret to happiness in relationships, and maybe it is not so secret anymore, but it is true, believe me: no one can complete you, no one can make you happy, no one can hurt you except yourself. Because all the time that you loved him, it was you feeling everything. You weren't him, you were you. And you are still you, and you can still be very, very happy, fulfilled, and realized. We can see it in the future that you will one day be complete in and of yourself, you have always been. You just have to meet her again. THEN, happiness will come to you by itself. It's hard as hell, God, I REALLY know. But I've been through it before, I'm going through it, RIGHT NOW, too, I am feeling the knife ripping from the gut up and splitting me apart, but ONE DAY, Sue, I *PROMISE* you, I will be very happy again, and he won't hurt anymore, the memories won't hurt anymore. If I can do it, so can you! If I can believe in this, you can too! And anyone can. It is the truth about life. The answers are all within you and you know exactly what the best solution is. It may not be the easiest, hell no. It could be the hardest, but after the pain, comes the new you. After the night, the day, Sue. Just believe in that, it happens. Look at how many people have been in a relationship so close and so loving and have had to go through the hell of separation. YEAH! It was unfair, dammit! But it happened, because there were two people in there, and he decided it wasn't what made him himself anymore. So, I know it's hard, but don't hate K, don't hate him, don't hate anyone. Hate will only hurt YOU, after all. Will it hurt her? No way. She is happy, so is he. So why should you not be? Find a way to be happy, Sue. That class you wanted to take, that is GIVING YOURSELF a gift, the gift of having FUN being you. The kareoke, for example. I know that everytime you remember Daniel and what you had, it hurts... but you're not the only one going through that. Most of us go through it, yeah, it's the truth. I know how much pain you've felt and how much pain they're making you feel, but you need to take steps to avoid getting hurt, because YOU are the one feeling bad. It won't hurt him to know that you are hurt. It will only hurt you. So stay away from that diary. If the person who has just broken my heart started writing a diary about another girl, I wouldn't read it. You know, I am fortunate because I don't even know her name, and even though I'm tempted, I will stay just like this, and let her be whoever she may be. I won't give her power in any way. He doesn't make me me. I've been crying like never before. Every night I remember when we were so close, when he cared so much, and every night it hurts me and I cry, but if I ever want our friendship back (because we too were friends before anything came between that), I have to let go first. SOME day, Sue, I'll find another guy who will love me, but I won't need him to be complete by then or for anything. Relationships are about being complete together, not about filling a void. True happiness together doesn't require that somebody else meet your needs. So, whomever it might be (God, I still have hope it will be him, but you know the way life work, I just can't uproot someone like that), and the truth is that Daniel won't ever go away fully, he'll always be there, but can you love someone again and feel incredible love again? YOU BET! Daniel is not the end of the world. WHO KNOWS, SUE? Maybe you will one day be in a relationship were the love will be incredibly wonderful and you won't miss the days with Daniel, they won't hurt so much anymore. You know it's true. Ask anyone who has ever gotten a long-term, super-close, super-loving relationship. There are more of us out there than you can think. Be strong, Sue, and know that we love you. I'm sending you a BIG, BIG ((((((HUG)))))) and all the positive energy in the world. Be happy! Be optimistic! Life will go on! You can do it, Sue! Look at how much you've survived already! You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO incredibly strong. You thought you wouldn't be able to laugh again. You felt like dying when he first left you. And now look at how much fun, DESPITE ALL THE PAIN, you've had, at how many adventures you've been living. Life kept moving on, and you kept changing. Forgive him, forget him, and forgive her and forget her, too, and move on. It's the only way, the only way to be happy again. I KNOW it is so much easier to just hate her right now, but that is short-term relief. Work toward the long-term effect of great and wonderful change, a new happiness, something new... I am going to end this book of a letter with a quote from an old song that I know. "When I am here in life/ I live this great moment/ Looking at you, I feel so many emotions/ But I am an optimist/ Because/ If I laughed or if I cried/ What is important is that I LIVED emotions..."
from patheticness :
Thanks for the hug. *hug* back! Yeah, I know, but I know him too. He would defend her that she has the freedom or 'right' to post whatever she chose in her personal journal, etc, etc. And maybe I don't have a right to complain and it's my own fault for reading it, but it's not as IF *I* have written anything in my other journal, that I know they both read, to offend or upset or hurt either of them....GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! God, I soooooooo wish I had a piccy of Juan to post!!! Of me and him...oh well...:(
from chalet-lines :
sweetie i am so sorry about the diary shit...that is fucked up of her to write those things and again i have to wonder, what does he think about all that, does he just not care, not read, i mean, like u said, it is not really cheating or anything but still if he cares about u at all u would think he would tell her she could have the decency to leave that shit out *hugs*
from patheticness :
Thanks so much for again being there! :*) *HUGS* to you too!! I'll admit I've been getting a little worried about you and have been thinking of sending you a short email to check on you. I know I still owe you the big one...;p Not much of anyone around lately....oh well...:) I'm off to try to catch up reading other ppl now. Love ya!! *hug*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from chalet-lines :
hey sweetie sorry i haven't written any notes in a bit, i am hardly out of bed grr i suck...anyway...*great big hugs* for u sweetie, i know things are hard right now but they will get easier, u just have to fight to get through the shit and then it will be ok "if ur going through hell, keep going" u will get out hon *lots of hugs & love*
from patheticness :
stacey, Hi! I like your username btw, as I have a similar nickname myself (under another name as is used in this journal!). You found me, eh? That's ok...:) I only ask that you do not list my other journal as a fave, as well as this one is all. Cause I think snoopy S and K look into my faves and stuff. I might still email you eventually, if you want K's journal addresses. And no, of course I don't mind if you read both my journals! I hope it's not too confusing for you! Saudades, LOL! No, you are NOT mean!!:p I wish I *were* sometimes!! Yes, he signed that in response to my happy entry where Juan said he'd go with me. I couldn't figure out if he was truely 'happy' for me, or just glad it took some of the guilt off of his back...:rolleyes: This just in: I HATE MEN!!!!!! Thank you...:)
from saudades :
Oh, man!! :) Hahahaha! Gosh!! I'm so mean!!
from saudades :
I just read S's "note" where he says that your entry "put a fun smile" on his lips, as if you were the paid entertainer for him. You were too kind and nice to him, when he was obviously cold and a jerk. You know what you should tell him next time he posts something to your other diary's notes? Simply post this reply in return: "Shut up."
from superstacey :
hey thanks for the reply :) you read me?? lol, y writing is shit :x. anyway, i'm sorry, but i found your other diary :/. just by perusing your faves and their faves, like you did to me. soooooorrrrrryyyyyyyyy. i wasn't looking for it!!! anyway, shhh it's a secret and i won't tell anyone. and seriously, i won't read the other one / this one if you don't want me too. love, stacey p.s have a good weekend!
from patheticness :
Hello Stacey! Wow, a new 'fan'? lol! I noticed you added me to your faves, and of course I researched your journal (and I now read you too btw) and your faves and their faves, etc, etc,to make sure that I can't be linked to this journal by S or K. But there is always that chance anyway, isn't there? S doesn't have a journal at dland anymore to read. K still has two of hers. I may email you at a later date with my other address. I'm panicky about giving it out to an 'outsider', lol, but it SEEMS like I may be able to trust you.... My sis is gonna be here all weekend, I'm on my lunch at work, and I may not be online all that much this weekend. Thanks so much for reading me and for signing my notes, btw!
from superstacey :
argh FINALLY!! i've been reading your [patheticness.diaryland.com] diary for about two months now, almost from the start...and i just found you on the list of updated diaries, that's how i found you. and on your page, there's noooooo.way.to.contact.you. heh. i was wondddering, seeing i've been reading sooo much and i'm really interested, what's the address to your other diary/"S"s orrr whoevers, because i feel like i'm missing out on so much stuff!!!! staceyrroy@hotmail.com thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhankyou <3
from patheticness :
It's ok Saudades. But I'm ashamed of myself, because it just so happens, that RIGHT before viewing her pics, I had just stupidly send S a 113 k reply to his last email!!! I got back today: Ok, I'll reply soonish. Proabably within the week, definately within 2. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!>:l
from saudades :
Sorry, that was such a crude language massage, I just wanna let you all know I'm more refined than that, we're all more refined than that. He has not refinement. THEY have no refinement. They think it's all a joke. I'm sorry, Susie :(
from saudades :
I'm so sorry... :( What irks me is: doesn't she KNOW? Doesn't she KNOW what you two went through just a few months ago? If they were such "friends," blah, blah, blah, why hasn't she ever mentioned the realities of you and S before? God, I just don't understand, she's a heartless bitch, and he is someone you should shut away from your life. He doesn't deserve any fucking e-mail, Sue. Just tell him one day, in a couple months, to fuck off... oh man, I'm sorry, I just HATE to see her and HIM!! hurt you this way, when they KNOW WTF is going on. They act like it's all a joke. Doesn't he give a shit about your feelings seeing that? Some love he had. Motherfucker. God, he's a bitch. I hate him. I'm sorry, urgh.....I just can't STAND to know how much they hurt you :( BUT!!!!! Chin up, girl. You will survive. These f'ers can f' themselves
from saudades :
Sue, congratulations for having such a wonderful time. You see? It went all so good, and he sounds like SUCH a charming person!! Awwwww, Juan is so NICE. I bet that if I knew him in person I would think of him as a sweet person. He's from Colombia! They have beautiful accents there, I've always liked Colombian accents. There's something so serene and polite about the way they talk Spanish, and by the way, yes, in our countries it is a custom that is very natural and normal to greet ALL your friends, whether they are guys or girls, with a a kiss on the cheek or two. In some countries it is even four! But most of the time it's between one and two kisses on the cheek. It's more warm than a handshake, and it says to the other person, "I am glad to see you, my friend!" basically. At the end, it is like saying, "Take good care of yourself! I hope all is wonderful 'till we meet again!" basically, that's what the kisses mean. They're a sign of friendship between friends. He sounds so patient and kind, like he's a really thoughtful guy. I LIKE HIM! He's got MY stamp of approval ;) I wish I'd secretely been there on microphone to translate for you! LOL! ;) He sounds so CUTE, too!! Aww! Cool! Well, now it shouldn't be hard for you to be his friend at least. He sounds like someone with a kind heart who's looking for friends and somewhere to put down roots, and he's so "Mr. Adventure" like you said!! Wow!! Extreme sports! Cool! He's a nice guy. Congratulations on your "date" or "concert experience with a friend," so considerate the guy. He gets browny points for speaking Spanish. :) YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care, dear!
from patheticness :
Thanks Chalet...and I did btw..;) *great bigger hugs*!!!
from chalet-lines :
yay! i knew he wasn't just being a dick and there was a good explanation for why he hadn't called *great big hugs* have an absolutely wonderful time sweetie!
from patheticness :
hmm...ok....maybe it's a wee bit too late for you on the East coast..sorry I missed you... I'll be *fine* btw, I'll do my best to just follow the advice you gave below..:)
from patheticness :
Ana, I just emailed you!! YES!! CAll me?? I am a nervous wreck, mostly because I know HE might be, wondering if this is a 'date' or not, and maybe hoping not, and afraid of making him think it is, and of wanting it to be, or wondering if he DOES want it to be, and....call me!! And btw, thank you so much for all that you said below, it was beautiful....:) *hug*!
from saudades :
Sarah, I'm going to be your therapist here. I am here to take away ALL the nerves about Juan. I am going to be back on again tonight, but if you'd rather speak to me on the phone, I have a calling card and can calm you down?? If so, you can e-mail me by tonight, I live in Eastern Standard Time. Hmmm... it seems to me that Juan is a really nice guy, but I also think that there's a lot of confusion and expectations that you and people (like Judy) have been putting in your head. He seems to be a little bit more clear-headed and may not be so aware that this is a "date." Maybe he hasn't thought about it that way at all or hopes that that's not what's going on. He seems like someone who's pretty calm about most stuff, and just serene. The reason why he might have been nervous may be that he in general is just a person like that: he wants to make sure he does something "right" at work an in life, and he may feel very insecure about himself deep inside. Even though he might seem like someone who can have lots of confidence b/c he's cute or intelligent or something, he might see himself as someone else, who is more vulnerable, not precisely b/c he's thinking about dates and a relationship, but because he has certain ways of dealing with women and with life. It seems to me that you have been getting too many ideas and expectations from him, and if you go into tomorrow's date without a clear head, a clear, reasonable purpose, and a lot of peace in your heart, you're going to THINK that everything you say is a mess-up, but if you can get that peace in your heart, and your mind, then the lovely person that is you will effortlessly - did you hear that? EFFORTLESSLY - come out. And THEN what will happen is that EVERYTHING you will have said will have sounded WONDERFUL, and you and Juan could BREAK THE ICE and simply begin a nice friendship for now. When our minds are not clear, we don't know what we're doing. Don't go into this thinking it is a date and that you have to wear something perfect and you have to be something perfect and you have to invent or pull out some conversation topics and some tricks to impress him. There is a rule for writers that is helpful here. If you write to IMPRESS, the readers will know and they won't enjoy your writing or appreciate it. If you write to EXPRESS, those who can read will appreciate your expression, and they might even agree with it and even FEEL it. That is what you should think about with Juan. He is a possible friend, a possible person YOU can get to know. Don't thik about what you have to do to appeal to him; think about the person you are, and how that can show through you, it can pour out, what is inside, and help him. When we are ourselves, only then can we make REAL friends. EVERYTHING ELSE is just "icy," you know, not ourselves. My greatest advice ends with the simple gifts of life, the metaphor we can feel when we really meet those who become OUR FRIENDS, our friends in some way: BE YOUR WHOLE-HEARTED, WHOLE-MINDED SELF. All the time. With him, and with you, and with anyone, all the time. What you see as truth is what you should express. YOU, Sue. THAT IS WHAT IS REQUIRED. Come as you ARE! Be REAL! Be your beautiful, wonderful self. Think about it: you've lived more than thirty years.... you have more than THIRTY YEARS' worth of beauty and ingenious thinking in you, you can create ANYTHING... Think about fields you've seen, green. Oceans you've seen. Trips, and people, and faces, and DREAMS you've had. How COMPLEX of a human being you really are. YOU ARE *AMAZING* and you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH more than meets the eye, so much more! Infinitely more. What is important is what invisible to the eye, and that is what ALL great friends, and all great lovers come to learn about each other. That is why people stay together into old age and live loving each other, with patience, with kindness, with wisdom, even as their bodies become old and frail, and they watch each other die when there is no more. WHY? Because they KNOW each other. They KNOW there's more to a person than what's outside. In you are a thousand, a million secrets, of life and love and your person. YOU CAN GIVE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! You can give, because you have everything inside of you! Peace, Sue. Peace. Just remember about the most incredible things that have happened to you throughout your life. The first time you went on a long trip far from your home state. When you first got your OWN apartment for YOU. When you became independent. When you flew across the ocean. When Julia was born and you had a niece. Think only positive thoughts. What are you scared of? If YOU are yourself and come in gratefulness for that precious and loving human being you are, he will see that, he will feel comfortable because you will be you, and that might allow him to be *him*. He's just like you... full of experiences... think about what is below the surface all the time. He's coming because he likes Creed and wants to hear their songs, and you can get to know him.. at least just a little bit more... take it ever so slowly. If by the end of tomorrow's concert and what ensues you feel just a little bit closer and more comfortable and open with him, then you have conquered a million mountains: you have met someone knew. He is not a stranger anymore. That's all. Take it day by day... Don't worry about the future. Only TODAY. Because the future will take care of itself, day by day. E-mail me this evening if you want me to talk to you some more or write to you, I'll do ANYTHING to help you overcome those worries and get all the fear outside of your heart. Ana. :)
from patheticness :
thank you guys!! I am literally BUBBLING from head to toe!!!!!!!! LOL!!! Yeah, well, I didn't want to come on TOO strong or scare him off, AND I wanted to test the waters if he had a girlfriend, sooo...I guess he doesn't, cause he didn't mention that!! And like Judy said, when I said, "It's ok if he thinks it is just as friends, we can start out that way maybe..:)" and she said, "He's not stupid, he *knows* what the deal is, I am sure of it!!" LOL!! :D
from entwined :
i am so happy for you....=) i am so excited actually so good luck! =)
from disolvedgirl :
Ooops, I didnt read your entry in time to post anything, but Im glad you went for it anyway. The only thing is, you threw in that part about "even if just as friends or casual" or something like that. So maybe thats what he thinks... Lets hope not! April
from chalet-lines :
i think you should go for it hon.
from patheticness :
oh..and by the way, I love you guys tooo!!!!! so nice to feel loved....=)
from patheticness :
LOL! Thanks sooooo much!!;) Let's see, there is what you wrote, ;), then someone named chabs wrote, "Sarah (;)) rules, Treeni drools!!", LOL! Then someone did the internet easy one (someone I know!;) ) and then there is a private one, but no clue who that is from or what it's about--??? :p Yep...insecure...why does that make me feel better in a way? odd.....because maybe she knows that S will never love another like he loved *me*?:p
from saudades :
Right on, entwined!!!! :D
from entwined :
wo-ow, she deleted lots of stuffs on her gbook? tell me all about it coz im really freaking curious. im about to tie my fingers by not typing in 'insecure ugly witch!!!' on her gboook, but you know she might be thinking it will be on your side which is really true but let me not give her that satisfaction that we are even much interested in her? dumb bitch. she's really freaking insecure, believe me, i mean if you are secure would you post pictures like that and write things like that? dumb bitch. grrr....=) see how much we love you? we do. =) take care.
from patheticness :
thank you to chalet for your compliments...:)and yeah, she deleted a bunch of stuff, lol! and thank you entwined too...for your 'pride' in me...:) again, you guys always make me smile, and that is good...yay...=)
from entwined :
i really am trying not to hate k but i do. geesh. bitch. im glad everything is okay with u! im proud of what you did =)
from chalet-lines :
so i just went to check on k's guestbook and it says 404, the page is not there anymore...did somebody write something evil that made her take it down? haha. good. fuck her.
from chalet-lines :
awwww i just finally got to see your piccies...the first time i tried the site wouldn't let me in, then i tried again another day but it was when the older page was screwed up so i couldn't get to the entry where you had written the addy...grr...but i finally got in to see them and awwwwwwwwwwww so cute you all are! i am off to bed but i wanted to let you know, you all look precious =)
from patheticness :
Did any of you leave a private message in K's gbook??? If so, Can you fill me in? tee hee!:p Apparently S *is curious*!
from patheticness :
Yes,the word FREE suddenly hit me as soon as I read it saudades and thank you for that reminder...:) No more phone calls, "Can you come pick me up? I just lost my job. You mind if I crash at your place tonight?" Then not even making it worthwhile...:rolleyes: Yeah...I'm feeling a bit better about it...and thank you.. you admire me??? wow...thanks....=)
from saudades :
Ah, friend! I'm so happy you are rid of him. He was no prize, that's for sure. Well, you are such a sweetie! :) You deserve so much better than that garbage-bagger who collided against your world, just to steal from you. What a loser he is! Oh, well, let's forget about him. I am hoping you are feeling good now. Being single is much better than having all that baggage and someone there to tell you that a certain song is "forbidden," as if he'd written it or the song writer had explicitly written it just for him and his emotions. I can't believe he treated you like that. If he tries to contact you or if you bump into him, girl, RUN-don't walk- away. Stear clear of that harm! Well, hopefully this is the last time I have to complain about that guy! YOU'RE FREE! YOU'RE POWERFUL AND GREAT BY YOURSELF! I admire you, you're awesome!! :)
from patheticness :
Raven, ok...if you click on 'previous' a few times at the bottom of my page, you can catch up on my entries, YES you have missed a lot, but they are there, just not located on the older page. And call me or email me girl?? What's up with next weekend? :p Entwined....I read your entry...*hugs* go out to you...I totally relate...even if I'm left wondering, did Wood dump me or me him? I think he dumped me, in his whimpish way, but I am the one who SAID something, so blah!!:p I'm proud of me too btw....:) *hugs*
from entwined :
sarah, i really think she's a meanie bitch. i am fighting the urge to write something in her guestbook because i dont wanna stoop down her level. posting more pictures...i bet she does that because she's insecure, i mean if you are secure why would u post pictures of yourself and ur boy when u know very well the ex can view it? eeeky. the evil gfs do that, i mean jay's wife did that to me. and all i can say is, ooh, you girls better chain ur man to your sides. i am majorly sad right now, for 'dumping' someone too. i just dont know when i can ever be happy, but hum, i guess i can only follow ur advice and enjoy being single again.
from ravenly :
Hey girlie! Just htought I would let you know that I cannot see past hte entry "Oops, I emailed S"....So I may be missing some entries! ARRGGHHHHH I've been reading your notes, I couldn't agree more all of hte peeps on here!!!!! Wood is an ASS good for YOU!! I am very proud of you for sticking up for yourself like that! YAY FOR SARAH!
from patheticness :
oh...and psst! Lorraine is the one who signed her gbook the fist time-about how insensitive she is....tee hee...:p This is unlike me to be enjoying something like this so much...it's the new me?:p
from patheticness :
Wow! Long messages from all 3 of you! I am speechless! Ok, well, no I am never *speechless* as I must rant, lol, but I am soooo touched and it's so easy to bring happy tears to my eyes guys--all of you---just to know that you are in my corner and all...:*) It REALLY really helps me out right now--that--all of you--- and KNOWING how much of an ass is now out of my life and then knowing that I have my sweet kitty who purrs and loves me as soon as I walk in the door, and then Jules--yes, she IS a treasure of a child like you would not believe!!! Oh..ok..the gbook is in her main journal- and now read what 'chabs' wrote! LMAO!! No response to it yet. Chabs reads my other journal. As far as I know, she does not know of this one--she has signed May's gbook looking for me once, as my other one is still inactive. I bet pretty soon "you know who" will be putting a password on her diary to avoid all the 'evil' ppl, LOL! "NYAH!!!!" :p I love you *all* btw, with your hair up, down, half-faced, cake faced with make-up, etc, etc.! *huge hugs*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from saudades :
I agree with chalet-lines and disolved girl, Sarah...man, especially about that stupid treeni and his boy-toy deeni. I couldn't believe it when I saw the pics, what the fuck is she thinking? Was she planning this when you were with Daniel or what? She MUST know what the dove means. She MUST know that you read the diary. I wonder what "Deeni" thinks. His mind is so bizarre, just like hers. Too much bullshit on their minds. Her entries are as vague and acid as anything he could have written. Does she do it on purpose? ONE thing I am curious about that I didn't understand... : Did you post something in her guestbook that I didn't see? Because you said, "I'm surprised he didn't jump to defend her in her guestbook." Can you tell me which one is it on - her main diary or her other one (I know which one is the main). I want to go see that post... Hmm... something else, I ESPECIALLY agree with chalet-lines about how Daniel didn't DESERVE a reply and you should have waited about two weeks and then sent a two-liner just like he used to do to you. Remember those days? When you would e-mail him paragraphs and paragraphs and he would send you a slimy half-ass one-liner, basically putting you down ("No, you may not... =P") Fuck him and his girlfriend, and that asshole Wood, too. Dump him short and sweet. "Wood, it's over, goodbye." And that's it. No more Wood ever, tell him to give you back your money and fuck off. Someone who has to put your hair down and who has to act tired all the time like he doesn't want to be with you is just not worth one more worry. You have enough shit in life to put up with. Tell them both to fuck off. You deserve a REAL man. Neither of these bastards are... fuck. HMMM... on a lighter note :) I LOVE those pics of your niece and you and your sister. She's so cute! What a treasure of a child she must be! Much love from me. :)
from saudades :
chalet: right ON, girl! :)
from chalet-lines :
ok, now it is alright for me to be writing because i am fully made up and ready to go and as i was finishing my makeup i thought of wood the ass commenting on how women wear too much makeup...i have heard from several women that their men feel this way...fuck them! they are the ones wanting us to look like fucking movie stars and super models yet we are not supposed to wear the makeup? news flash dipshits, all those lovely ladies are fucking *coated* in makeup, foundation, concealer, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascar, blush, lipstick, bronzer, etc...wood can kiss my fucking ass, i am an eyeliner whore, i wear it nice and thick with lots of mascara and dark purple eyeshadow on now i got from the dollar store...the best eyeshadows i ever have i get there...oh and i wear way too much perfume too i bet that would bug the shit out of him...this place smells like a whorehouse...well i guess that's appropriate though, look what lives here eh ;) anyway...my point was...fuck men...that always seems to be my point but oh well.
from chalet-lines :
one more thing though, i cannot remember exactly what you said and cannot seem to find the entry in my hurriedness but you said something about all this bullshit with your men and why is it happening to you or something to that effect, forgive me, i am full of allergy meds on top of running on no sleep...and running into walls :P...but sweetie you do not deserve them, THEY do not deserve you, you are a beautiful and loving woman and you deserve someone who will love and accept you, someone who will love your hair up or down and if they don't, they will not have the need to tell you so. they will be content knowing that you like it. they will not have to talk down to you, even in playing, they will not have that stupid fucking need that all males have whether its extreme (with *sigh* some of us) or to a lesser extent, that need to control "their" woman, that need to make her feel small so that they can feel big. you deserve someone who wants you to feel your best. always. *hugs & love from a half faced girl*
from chalet-lines :
i agree with dissolvedgirl, he has been just plain mean sometimes. you know, i was on a yahoo group a while back and some shit went down, no need to go into it and make short story long ;) but everyone decided it was best to be "honest" but really all it was was an excuse to be bitches. and i told them flat out that honesty does *not* equal cruelty. yes the truth can hurt but it doesn't have to, it doesn't have to be done in such a way. and you don't have to be honest about *some* things, i mean, god so what if he didn't like your hair the way you had it, has he ever heard of just being polite? you don't have to comment on every fucking thing. ugh. he really pisses me off. and so does "deeni" ugh their stupid little nickies make me sick! does he *ever* think of your feelings? does he ever think to say to his precious little treeni that maybe posting pics of them cuddling or hugging or always fucking touching in every single pic might be a *little* upsetting to you? he did not even deserve a reply. you should have waited a week or 2 and then written what you did. i would write more but i am going out quite soon...i shouldn't even be writing this, i am half dressed up with half my face on!
from disolvedgirl :
Some of the things he has said to you have been downright mean. I dont care if he IS the type to speak his mind! So am I! But there is a way to speak your mind without hurting peoples feelings. And it is NOT normal for him to act that way about sex. Sure, stress can kill the mood, but he should not act the way he does when you bring it up. Something that I was going to mention a long time ago, but never did for some reason... I think its a bad sign when someone has a cell phone but no home phone. It makes it very easy for them to be deceptive. OH! And his little "something going on" comment was UNACCEPTABLE! Seriously, if it was nothing for him to hide from you, then he should have told you what was going on. The fact that he tried to keep it mysterious, I think proves that it was something he didnt want you to know about. Blah blah BLAH to him! PLEASE get out of this before you get in too deep!! April
from patheticness :
chalet, we already emailed on the topic, but just know you will always be the one and ONLY you, and YES, that IS a good thing!!!;) *hug*!! entwined, Thanks so much...:) I almost used the word muchly, but it reminded me too much of S and K (shudders)! I am soooooooo shocked that he did not sign her gbook to defend her or say something to me or email me or whatever...:rolleyes: For now....I'm just keeping silent..;) All is ok....and I think I might be able to post those entries myself this week after all, seeing as Wood is going to call me 'later in the week'---fine...gives me time to catch up on my internet junkiness..tee hee...:p MY deep, dark secret...:o I'll let you know though sweetie...;) *hugs* oh....and chalet...thank you for your password...yaaay!;)
from entwined :
i have been a good evil friend, sarah. i know. sucks to them. =) u can email me the entries anytime dear. i hope you're all good. =) mwahs.
from chalet-lines :
hon you think you are a drama magnet...jesus, i am like one of those huge magnets up on a crane they use to pick up cars at junkyards! you remember the girl i told you about who sort of copied me a bit? ok now i have a girl who i (stupidly) gave my diary addy to and she is *literally* copying me, as in copying and pasting my most fucking intimate thoughts into a journal she didn't think i would find...it is on livejournal, she gave me her addy for hers here at diaryland but i found the other because i am sneaky!...i am locked for the time being as a result...i wanted to mail you the pword but yahoo isn't working so i will write it here cuz i don't care...username = chalet-lines. password = imscared. argh. why am i constantly involved with psychos?
from patheticness :
thanks so much to both of you, saudades and Tessa..;) It feels good to finally pop back here. As for emotional investment? Well, I'm not saying that I am allowing myself to fall in love, but i'm scared now, because of his circumstances he is currently going through, that I'm well....caring? Developing feelings of sorts? And maybe getting in too deep emotionally than i intend to already...guh...WHY must I always be a 'DRAMA' magnet?????? I just feel like....he needs me....I can't let go of him now....whether I ven want to or not is undecided, but I'm thinking not...and wondering if i'm making the right choice or not or if I will regret it or...gughg...I NEED to do sssooooooo many entries and CATCH up!!! HELP!!!!! hug me? lol..:p *hugs*
from chalet-lines :
i am much too tired and slow witted at the moment to write out a good note so i will just agree with everything Saudades and Entwined said to you, daniel is a dick, i am not sure about Wood, he doesn't seem like a *terrible* guy or anything just not the brightest, most intuitive type that you truly need for a long term relationship. but you know, this is your first since daniel, maybe a long term thing isn't what you want/need, maybe you just need to get out and have a bit of fun, get some more experience, just do whatever feels right. just don't let yourself get too attached to him hon, i don't want you to get broken up if things don't work out with him. *hugs* you know what you are doing better than i know though, you just do whatever your heart tells you, you will be alright. and you don't need to be happy at all for the other two. fuck them. seriously. i would love to just smack them both. all i need is a plane ticket and my folding chair, i will take care of them. i agree with whoever said it might feed into their egos and whatnot to write things in your other diary, don't even let them have that. rise above it all because you *are* above it all. *hugs, love & good nite, i really need to get off this computer!
from saudades :
Thanks, entwined!! :) Well, Sarah, to tell you the truth, Wood seems sort of like a bit of a jerk sometimes. I agree with what you said, "Is this what I really want?" The vocabulary he uses for certain things... is so demeaning... I don't know. I'm not sure he's worth the emotional investment, but then again you know better what you're doing. I hope you are having a nice holiday right now. :) Take care
from entwined :
i need a friend like saudades to tell me like it is. =) i love what saudades just told you, sarah. man, i missed all this excitement because i finally had work. both of your diaries just made me cry now. yes, fuck fuck fuck him. i felt your fucking pain. fucking daniel. does that mean most of the guys out there are just good for words and they will never even be man enough to prove it? fuck that., whatever sweet words he told u before is just a fucking lie!! how can u ever trust him ever? fuck that girl as well. waaaa...i can just imagine her fucked up smile now, she's having daniel and all that shit, u know what u shouldnt be open to how they had hurt you in ur other diary, for all u know, ur just empowering their egos...overanalyzing it...maybe, but then again ull never know. let them know how fucked up they made u and now u are just a better person. that entry about what he took from you, the fairytales and all the hopes...but he never took ur love away from you, because now you know u have so much love to give...and yes, he doesnt deserve anything from you again...believe me sarah,,,i know what that feels like...but im beginning to realize that my life wouldnt end because he left me and he made another chapter of fairytale in his life and he just ended ours so unfairly...maybe it will mean that i will have better fairytale and it wil mean that next time my head wont be stuck on clouds anymore...so i can look at the next chapters realistically, maybe thats how it should be. i dunno. i think im happier now being more realistic and not clinging on dreams anymore. look at you and wood how u can say things like that to him now and really make an effort to get what u want and be happy. you take care sarah, and i love you, we all do. =)
from patheticness :
Your entry had me laughing my ass off saudades!! In a good way though...that you would get so pissed off, in my behalf, for me and my feelings? Wow...and you know...you're right...and to be honest, you've said a lot of things that I have never had the nerve to or guts to for that matter, that I feel deep inside....and no, I'm not offended, but whether I feel like stooping to that level of what might seem or look 'immature' to others, (WHY I care, I have no idea)...I don't know, not that HE hasn't....really...but...you know, you're right though....you are....and thanks by the way...and I mean that!!(((Hug)))
from saudades :
Frankly, Sue, you SHOULD tell him to fuck off. Hey guys, are you WITH me?!? Doesn't this guy deserve Sue to finally tell him to FUCK HIMSELF AND GROW UP AND STOP TELLING HER SHIT? Can you *BELIEVE* the way he talks down to her in his e-mails?!?!?! He is SO stupid!!! I HATE HIM! I HATE DANIEL! HE'S SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT!!!! Who gives a fuck what he thinks? Sue, you don't have to all of a sudden get HAPPY he and the girl or whatever went and declared themselves in love. You don't HAVE to. Why SHOULD you? Why SHOULD you search for the feeling and the emotion to say, "----- and ----, I wish you the best in the world. I am so happy for you, really, and I hope your love exceeds all expectations and that you marvel and rejoice in the smiling face of the sun and of love and life" In your entry you're like, "Oh, I know I should say that." *NO*!!!!!!!!! You DON'T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!! You NEVER have to!! EVER!! You can tell her publicly to screw herself, and he, too. He can fuck himself. Who gives a shit? I'm absolutely *SICK* of his sending you STUPID e-mails like the one he just sent you. DOES HE THINK HE'S SMARTER THAN YOU? HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM!!! UGH!!!! FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can tell them to go fuck themselves!!!!!! FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why should you be happy for them, why should you rejoice? That's not true. You're not. He lied to you, and he left you, and that would all be things that could be understood between human beings... *IF* he didn't sound like such a smartass who thinks he has it all figured out, it's all in his stupid philosophy! OH, GO FUCK YOURSELF DANIEL!!! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! Sorry. I just had to say that. He'd hate me if he read it, but I don't care. He treats you like shit. You should start treating him like he deserves, don't spoil that stupid brat anymore. I'm SO sorry for speaking my mind so clearly, but really, Sue, I have always been so sympathetic to YOU and how YOU feel, that I don't care if I sound like an evil witch toward him and her. It's not their relationship what bothers me... it's the way he speaks down to you! When he is the immature one here. I'm sorry, but Sue, I mean... I say this with all respect for you. If I ofended you, I hope you can forgive me, but it's true. Are you with me, guys?!?! I love you, Sue! TAKE CARE!!!!! (((BEAR HUG)))
from patheticness :
thanks so much saudades..:) ((Hug)) appreciated and returned.
from saudades :
I love you!!! ((((((((BEAR HUG)))))))))))
from patheticness :
btw, disolved, I just might take you up on that offer. It helps to have more ppl to talk to....email me and maybe we can exchange numbers, seeing as it's free for you and all....and thank you....
from patheticness :
thank you so much, all of you...:*) *Hugs*!! And disolved, boy, funny how you hit the nail RIGHT on the head, almost word for word!!!! And chalet, you're right...so right....god it still hurts it still hurts it still hurts... what sucks in a way, not then not in a way, is that so much I said before, trying to figure out all the reasons he left? I was right in so many of them, and he didn't realize or want to admit that then, but he is now... and why do I hate being right?? I should be relieved...maybe I will be soon....maybe it will make it more over, but that is what hurts so much again, I guess.....letting go of that dream once and for all.....it's just so fucking sad.....
from chalet-lines :
god that makes me so fucking mad, how could he do that to you? he said over and over how he couldn't be that way with ANYone else, wtf, you deserve so much better than that honey i am so sorry you are having to go through this, it is not fair, you are too good a person to be caught up in this stupid childish bullshit, its such a stupid game and i wish you didn't have to deal with this, i'm sorry this isn't coming out right but i just woke up and GRRR i am mad at him. he does not deserve an angel like you *hugemongous hugs*
from disolvedgirl :
Sigh... well, at least its out in the open now. I bet he said things like "It wasnt until recently. we never really knew it was growing into that. i never knew it would end up that way." etc. Anyways, we are here for you as always. If you ever just need to chat on line or even on the phone (my cell phone has free long distance at night) just let me know.
from saudades :
Expect e-mail from me soon. What I have to say just doesn't belong in a clean-language place like Diaryland.
from patheticness :
Really? wow...now that is weird...in a good way...yay!!:D I'll be back in a couple of days btw, to write about even MORE things Jeff and I have discussed over the course of this weekend, as we were both drunk, lol....:) Communication is cool!:p But I'm still being cautious...;) love ya! *hug*!
from chalet-lines :
aw i am so happy things have gotten better...omg, you want to know something *very* wierd...i just got that email forwarded to me a day ago -the one you were talking about in your other diary and i was going to forward it to you! the only reason i didn't is because i had to forward it to my addy from yahoo groups and i had forgotten to do so. wow that email must have been destined to find you ;)
from patheticness :
thanks so much guys!!! it's soooo good having your there/here btw...=) *hugs*
from chalet-lines :
i agree with Entwined hon, i don't think it is worth it. at the very least you need to change some things, be vocal about everything, maybe he is just blind, but if things don't get any better then it is time to get out before you become the doormat because it will happen so quickly *hugs*
from entwined :
i honestly dont like wood and how he is treating you. one thing i have gotten from sweet boyfriends turned jerks are when you are doubting and remembering all the bad stuffs, then its time to move back and brush yourself off, before it buries you. i am sorry for sounding so cynical about this (i think this is partly from the crap i had to endure) but he is not worth it, you deserve someone who will nurture you and not just use you! you cant even talk to him about important things inside your mind and heart...just know that deserve so much more and that i think that you are so much more than you think yourself to be. =)
from disolvedgirl :
Grrrr! Im starting to wonder about him now! Boring in bed is no good! Dont you lose your nerve, I mean it!! You tell him he needs to shape up! You are on such a roll with your life, keep it going! April
from patheticness :
well....there will be more details to come at a later date concering his 'givingness' or more like lack of...ugh...anyways...yes I am being honest with myself, and I am also beginning to feel 'used' in more than just one way...and I plan on discussing this with him,if I dont lose my courage...more later...;) *hugs* to you...
from disolvedgirl :
Sex stuff from Sarah! You go! BUT, I sure hope Wood is a little more uh... lets say, giving... in bed than he seemed from that entry. It can say a lot about a guy if he makes sure that his partner is satisfied. No one thinks any less of you. Just continue to be honest with yourself. April
from patheticness :
Thanks Chalet...and don't worry...it's ok..:) I was actually even ok, remarkably..:) And yeah, I'm starting to get the picture that it's not REALLY Wood's fault, he is just soooooooo clueLESS about some things for some reason, and I am too 'nonagressive' to fill him in....guh....I'll have to work on that..;)
from chalet-lines :
shit, i forgot *yesterday* was the 15th, i am terrible with dates, i thought it was today, i am sorry i didn't leave a note or a card or anything sweetie, i hope the day was alright for you *huge smothering hugs*
from chalet-lines :
aw honey i'm sorry things have been going this way...*sigh* men are just insensitive, they don't realize when they have fucked up, even the nice ones (wow did i just admit that there are nice men out there?!), if anything else happens you have to tell him so he knows. btw, i got your email and read it and was about to start to reply but i figured it would kill you to have finally gotten it out and then get mine back a few hours later! so i will wait before i even start on it ;)
from patheticness :
Again...I thank you soooooo much, entwined, for all of your wonderful words that made me cry....:*) *hugs* go out to you!!!!!
from entwined :
hi sarah. =)i think that we all fall into that category where we expect too much and get hurt and dissapointed that it really isnt what we dream of. we let ourselves be vulnerable enough to open to happiness but also to be open to hurts and dissapointments as well. im beginning to realize that to be happy, i have to be happy with myself first. i know that you are capable of giving so much, and that is the best thing. =) just dont expect too much because i dont ever want to see you get hurt again. and i know that eventhough you are a strong person, i really dont want you to fall and stumble again. good luck and im praying for that baby you lost. (and praying that you will one day, have another.)
from patheticness :
thanks 'disolvedgirl'...=) Yeah....I think he likes me too...wow...and I think I like Wood....wood is good...hmm...lol...but not love, but like is ok too...:) It's getting a bit better....it's just so different it all.... so...ok...I will update now, how's that?;)
from disolvedgirl :
Yay! keep the entries coming! No more secrets :-P Im wondering... you told S, but what EXACTLY did you tell him? Just that you are dating a new guy? Dont mind me, im just nosey. Anyway, I am still SOOO proud of you. Don't forget that. It seems like things are really working with Wood. But I know you will continue to question it for a while... I really think he likes you though :-)
from patheticness :
and the part that said, "thank you *so* much, once again.;)"
from patheticness :
hmm...part of my last one got cut out. "about what kind of emails that S sends" LOL!
from patheticness :
Saudades, You crack me up! I was laughing my ass off at this notes entry you just sent!! About what kind of *so* much btw, once again...;) *hug*
from patheticness :
Entwined, You will get that strength back. It will be a long road, and I think you are already on it, or have been, and it will waver, but you'll be ok. And I'll be ok too. Cause you know what? You are sooooooo damn right! WE are NOT the 'pathetic' ones, THEY are!!! whoo hooo!!! *millions of hugs and high fives to you* And I'll answer your recent email soon..:)
from saudades :
Sue, you are doing the right thing! Leaving him without a concrete, tangible reach-out and giving him a taste of his own medicine is what he deserves. Now he gets to see what it's like, and he gets to think about whether that's what he really wants! The jerk! :) GO SUE!!! Stay in your place, girl, stay strong! Go on and let him go whine to K if he needs to whine. Besides, what kind of e-mails has he been sending? "Ummm, no you may not ask.. prffhghttt fjkkkkjjjkkk ugh,,, ::hees:: ee kjfjfkfjfkfjfk fjkkkkkkkkk toon toombleee.. igh, igh.. :::falls over::: hamster, hamster!" LOL! Go Sue, you're doing better than ever, don't let him get to you. Teach him a thing or two about communicating with the ones you love! :)
from entwined :
thank you for pasting that entry for me. i really am very grateful for people like you. i feel nothing still though. its okay for you to post it, my site, her site, wow, and she thinks im pathetic? her husband is still sending me emails and sending me pictures of himself! ill just email you my anger though, because i really need to release. thank you for everything. and i promise that i wont do anything stupid. and i hope you will find happiness as well. at the end, we all need to be happy. i know i just wanted to. and i ended up with broken pieces of my heart. but you know what? i will move on. and its not us that is pathetic. its them. people who are empowered with other people's vulnerability. wow. is this an entry? haha. i will post soon. and if u have time please check ur email and my love goes out to you and to wood. i hope things will be better for you. and for me. (hugs))
from patheticness :
LMAO!!:D I've noticed that before, LOL! And what is with those drawn on eyebrows of hers?? LOL!:D Thanks so much---I needed that laugh..;) *hug*!! I miss you btw!! I have GOT to get on that email!!!!:p
from ghostofsoup :
absolutely you are a million times prettier! perhaps its just the lighting but it seems as though she could use some bleach on the upper lip area ;)
from patheticness :
really?:) Thanks guys..;)
from ghostofsoup :
*hisses* at the piccie grrrrr...i have to agree with Entwined, you are sooooooooo much prettier than she is.
from patheticness :
You are soooo right about all that you said, except I think you meant to say that S is cute? Not K!!!>:l lol! It's ok....I forgive you..;) Anyway, yeah, i was on the phone with Tracy, venting again, and Wood called me...yay....just to talk, and to let me know he may not have to work tomorrow and he wants to do lunch maybe....:) He's making an effort I think, and I'm just not seeing it, because I'm not in love or something...but he deserves a chance, other ppl do not...:p Thanks again...:)
from entwined :
i know what that feels like sarah. i want to hear him again, feel that hug again, but i dont feel loved anymore. i think i bring it upon myself, but this is just me, i feel like this and its a sad, lonely feeling. i do compare people i meet other than him, and even before something good happens (with other guys i befriend) i close myself again. just go slow and just be happy. maybe its good sometimes to have fun without being attached emotionally (and yes, we do know what EMOTIONALLY means). its hard not to compare, but just enjoy what you have now. (isnt it better than sitting alone and getting all paranoid about s and k's friendship?) on another note, k sure looks really cute. =) maybe i should find myself a nice english man? =) oops. ooh, but that girl, nope, not really cute. and im not just saying this because you're my friend, but you are a thousand and one degrees hotter than her!! mmm, hug, dang. pfft. haha. =)
from patheticness :
thank you so much entwined....right now I'm wishing that I didn't delete it now....I need to hear that voice again...I need to feel that love again....to hear it it someones voice....I'm going off on a tangent now..lol..oops...:o Anyway, again....thank you...again... *hug*
from entwined :
i was reading how you deleted the voice mails and i cried, yeah, im weird, but that is so hard to do, listening to the voice and letting it go. i wish i have a bit of your bravery. =) good luck sarah.
from patheticness :
I agree too Saudades...and so hang he still does...:p And April, it's not *really* a secret. It won't be after I spill it to you guys....I will.... just hold on....:p
from disolvedgirl :
HEY! No fair keeping secrets!! :-P April
from saudades :
Sue, I love you too. :) Hey , by the way, I agree with the wonderful people here. LEAVE HIM HANGING!!! He deserves it! :)
from entwined :
you have been there for me countless times as well. i am so sure if its my turn to ask for your shoulders,ears and hugs, you wouldnt even hesitate. =) i love you too, sue! =) ((hugs))
from patheticness :
God, do you guys know how much I*love* you??? For some reason, reading just the smallest thing can bring tears to my eyes. I honestly do not think I could have gotten through this as far as I could without all of you here, and I soooo mean that!!:*) (((hugs))) April, thank you...because I was just about to start his email, answer the long one, tell him how the fact that he no longer lets me 'inside' at all anymore still hurts and how I don't feel I did anything at all to deserve that, etc...then I was going to tell him about Wood....just that I met someone, but I don't even know where it's going or anything....and I don't...but...uhm...I'll tell you guys something else later....maybe...uhm..yeah... uhm....but after reading your notes feature, maybe you're right, maybe I *should* leave him hanging a little more....hmmmmm...tee hee..:p And 'ghost', Thank *you* so much too, and yes, you are sooooooo right, once again, about ALL that you ever say! How do you do that? Know how to say all the perfect things no matter what?;) love ya!!! *super huge hugs and kitty snuggles from whisper too*!!!! I'll be working hard today on emails, laundry, and babying myself with chicken soup, etc.... I'll be back later...:)
from ghostofsoup :
sometimes out of character can be a good thing sweetie...its ok to go out and have a bit of fun, you deserve it, even if things with Wood don't work out, so what, you've got nothing to lose at this point, right? and btw, i think you should let *him* hang for a bit, he's left you in the dark more times than i can count, he has to have known it hurt you, yet he couldn't be bothered to explain things. he doesn't deserve how nice you are to him. i know i have perhaps been the lone one holding out for him with you but even so, even though i would love to see the two of you back together, i think you should get out and have some fun first, he has definitely been having a good time with no regard to you or your feelings about it, so why not do the same, not even to pay him back, just for your own good.
from disolvedgirl :
I am SO proud of you! And even though "S" may not be making things complicated on purpose, he CERTAINLY is doing it for a reason. He cant STAND not knowing what is going on, even though he has kept you in the dark for sooo long. Now, one little entry, and he is going crazy. Maybe his intentions are totally innocent, and he is maybe feeling a little jealous or whatever, but he still has NO right to just jump back in when it suits him. I dont see anything wrong with talking to him about Wood---LATER. For now, I would just BE, just LIVE, and not worry about how it will affect S. (But still, keep us updated on the news!!!!) But wait til "whatever" has actually HAPPENED before TELLING S what has happened. I think it will be easier for you to sort out YOUR OWN true feelings about Wood if you arent telling about him to S, or hearing anything from S about the situation. I can just imagine "S" saying something like "I know that I have no right to feel this way... but I am sort of sad/jealous/whatever" And that would break your heart! Dont you deny it!! So figure some things out for YOU first!! Ps I added you to my ICQ list... Awaiting your approval :-) April
from patheticness :
thank you sooo much entwined....=) I say that so much to you and others here that it begins to sound redundant and repetitive, and I wish there were different words for the same expression of gratitude... stay tuned....and then tell me I stil have your support?...lol....:p
from entwined :
you go girl!!! (that is for calling wood,btw) there is nothing wrong in being friends with a guy, and there you go for not feeling guilty, because there is no reason at all to feel like that. whatever else that's going to happen (hopefully all good and positive) i give 100% all out support to you! =)
from patheticness :
lol thanks...;) again...lol
from saudades :
Don't worry about K's friend, she's just a ****ed up as she is!!! LOL!! LOL!! :)
from saudades :
Hi... :) Want to know what I think? I hope you don't mind if I tell you, but I think you shouldn't tell him anything yet. I mean, nothing's for sure with Wood. I think you definitely deserve to at least see who he is and what he's about. You haven't given yourself that chance yet. Why should S have to know anything about it? He certainly doesn't tell YOU anything. (That e-mail -"Ummmmmmmmm, I don't really mind, no rush, uh..."- was so childish!) Who knows what he'd REALLY think about it all? I think he doesn't need or deserve for you to reveal your life to him. What you do is your OWN time and life and right -- Don't feel guilty! You know you love him. He knows you love him. Though I have NO CLUE if he at this point knows what THAT means... sorry for the sarcasm...You love him... deeply... and that that could never change right now. So why feel guilty that you want to meet a new friend and possibly let him treat you right? You can never lose with a new friend or someone close. It doesn't mean anything yet. You can be clear with Wood about where things stand if there ever arises a need to be clear. You are not lying to anyone or doing ANYTHING wrong. It's the opposite: you are doing the RIGHT thing, which is living life, giving yourself the chance to experiment, to try new things - not only with new people, with old friends, but with life in general. Life in this way is like a process. You try to see what works and what you want with what you have on the table right now, see? S doesn't need to be informed of your decisions in everyday life! Give yourself the chance, girl! Don't keep yourself locked up - literally and figuratively - because of S! You deserve sooooooooooooooooooo, sooooo, *so* much more than that. He is so messed up that from an objective point of view, I think that telling him about any of your experiences in friends and things could not do him any good. But of course, this is just my opinion, dear Sa. Please forgive me if I'm being too forward about it. You know best in your heart what to do always. :)
from patheticness :
thanks...=)
from saudades :
I'm sorry. :( It must be a sad day to take. ((HUG)) I've been reading, just not commenting lately b/c I usually was so tired I needed to go sleep, but I have had lots of comments. LOL. :) And I'm sorry I haven't e-mailed you about your dreams yet, but I've hardly been home at all these past couple days. And you have so much mail to answer, too! :) But I'm hoping you feel better soon. Ciao!
from patheticness :
LOL!! (Sue gives Saudades a high five!!!) Thanks for the support...yaay...:) Only problem is? May 20th is coming up...that's our 'anniversary' of so many things....and I know he will let it go, without even saying anything, but I'll be damned if I will....I will link the entries I want to of those memories, and *remind* him, not that it will do any good....I dunno....or should I not? I'll see how I feel then....I just have this thing about deliberately 'monitering' my own entries....guh...but it's a good thing, right? I don't have to hold back HERE, I still have some place I can call 'home'....:)
from saudades :
GIRL... Right on!! Gimme five!!! Woooohoooo!! :D Good luck on keeping your willpower to write just business on the other one. GO SMARTNESS!!! You can do it!! You know you got delivery!!! ((HUGS))
from patheticness :
You know what Saudades? Every word you say is correct!! And I thank you.....and all of you....so much....and I will continue to bare my soul HERE, where it is loved and welcomed and hugged, not neglected or ignored or thought of as almost an 'annoyance' of sorts sometimes.... *HUGE HUGS*!!!! =)
from saudades :
I agree with all you said. Why should he have a right to know everything, while you never are allowed to know anything? Don't let him think he can trash your heart around anyway he pleases. Show him you're not going to take it anymore! All his bullshit! Why can't he speak clear? Why can't he be sincere? You are always holding on, and he's always acting like it's such a big effort and so hard to do just to send you a little e-mail. I think he acts like he feels that it's such a big effort to just reach out a tiny iota, a "0.0000000000000000001" of love. He's dishing out breadcrumbs of friendship. Are you his best friend or not? I mean, fuck. He should get over all his stupid issues and simply reach out to you and be your fruend. What's so hard about that? Even if he were not to love you anymore, why couldn't you be best friends again? He sucks. :( Sorry to speak my mind so clearly, but I think you should know that if you feel you deserve to also be "vague" and to not let him in, then we support you 100% He doesn't deserve for you to bare your soul all the time, it's not fair how much you allow him to see of you when he never acts like he cares. So if you feel like writing here more because you are more yourself here, then you should give yourself that much-deserved peace. Love, Saudades ((HUG))
from patheticness :
Thank you so much 'ghost'!;p LOL!;) I read your entry and I was hope hope hoping I was the one you did not hate. Yay!!!!:) And I was laughing at your "I have to pee. I'm back." I don't know why that struck me so funny....? Anyway, i will FINISH that email TONIGHT! I know I keep saying that, but I MEAN that NOW!!!;p *hugshugshugs* I'm sure your grandma loved the plant..;)
from ghostofsoup :
the duck flies at midnight! i almost stepped in ducky poop yesterday!
from patheticness :
To Saudades again (last message) LOL!!!! I'm so glad I made you laugh!!:D I was just going skitzo and after reading again, after your signing of my notes, I was ROTFLMAO too!!:D Thanks again!;) And you are welcome...:p
from patheticness :
To Entwined: LOL! Thanks so much. It's so nice to know I have so many friends in my 'corner' so to speak and it means so much.:) No, you are not a bad girl!!!:p ((hug)) and mwah...:) Thanks for being so sweet...:)
from patheticness :
To Saudades: Yes, I'm sure I am reading way too much into things, most of the time, or all of the time for that matter...:p It's just so hared...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! I'm REALLY working on getting past/over all of this....yes, pass that Wine! LOL! (glug, glug!) There..:) LOL And thank you so much by the way, and it's so nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks they don't make any sense whatsover!!!:rolleyes: ((HUG)) back to ya!!!!!!!:) You made me smile, btw...and that's a good thing...=)
from saudades :
ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL, LOL, LOL!!! I thought I was the only one absolutely sick of those "blahs," "blehs," "skanks and cheese." Good lord, thank you for that!!!! *LOL*!!!
from entwined :
sue, i read k's journal, from s's quote from hers something about looking far and not appreciating what is so near, man, that has made me soo angry at her, i was like thinking'the nerve of this lil' girl man.!! grr' or maybe i am only thinking that because u are my friend and she just makes a mess of all of this haha, oh my i am a bad girl. but anyawys, take care! mwah
from saudades :
Ooops, I mean't in that sentence "you can't just uproot him out..." instead of "you can just uproot him out..." And also, what I meant is that even though I've read some of her diary, I can't say I know it well enough or understand her enough...Like, if it weren't because of you and I were just a regular diaryland reader, their diaries would make NO f-ing sense in this world, for love and libert's sake, my gosh...
from saudades :
Man, kjre, you and I need to break out some red California wine and just sit there and talk our hearts out and cry rivers. What is one supposed to do? I can *see* how frustrated you must be... I try to put myself in your shoes, and it's just too hard. It must be so painful to have to read those pieces of crap entries that are so vague and that no one can understand. I just can't understand him, I just can't. I don't think you should panic about his welfare. I think he's going to be okay. I haven't read her diary or understand their history well enough, and to be frank, I have a hard time reading his. But I'll try to read them and see what they are saying. From what I have read, though, I think that maybe you are reading too much into what they say. Maybe she is trying to deny it, too? I don't know. I frankly can't speak about them w/o making a mistake, I don't know them. But I can understand how you feel. You can just uproot him out. If I were you, I would be feeling the exact same thing. :( Pass the wine. (But only at home, don't drink and drive! LOL...) Take care of yourself, "Sarah", ok? Sending you a big :::HUG:::: If you need someone to talk, you know I'm there for you, girl.
from patheticness :
wow...thank you so much for all that you just said...:**) *big hugs*!!!
from ghostofsoup :
do not feel weak or wimpy for emailing him. you love him, you care about him, as a friend and as more but even if you weren't more, you would still care. don't feel bad for being yourself. you are a sweet, caring woman who worries about the people she loves. enough to email even if she's unsure about doing it, unlike *some* people who are off in lalalaland and don't seem to have the time or whatever it is that they need to email *you* when its obivous you are feeling just as awful. don't feel bad about it, don't feel wimpy or any of those things. feel proud that you are a wonderful, loving person. its the last thing in the world anyone should be ashamed of.
from patheticness :
Yaaaaaaaaaay!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!:) Btw,I have to update you on stuffs, on the super LONG email I sent him,and he sent me a little short one until the long one comes along. You will not beleive all I said in my email to him, I even surprised myself...eekk.. but the little reply gave me a little sigh of releif....:) More later!:p Is the suspense killing you?:p
from ghostofsoup :
yayayay!!! i'm the first to sign here! now if only i actually had something to say;)

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