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I think Ava and Kevin have said it all. They are much more experienced in this then I am. I am going to miss you terribly if you do leave, and if you do write again, even somewhere else please let me know. You are a big part of my life sweety whether you know it or not. Take care of yourself. Lots of hugs and thoughts, Kathy

from ava-reborn :

Oh sweetheart, I'll miss you if you don't write here anymore. If you do start up somewhere else please let me know where you are! I'm sorry things are so crap at the moment. Maybe the break will do you and Sam good. Maybe it'll just make things worse, and more confusing. I really hope things work out well for you. It must be something in the air as me and Dave have a huge freezing cold distance between us at the moment too. Take some time for yourself, and try to get your head together. You know where I am if you need to chat! I hope you don't stay away for too long. *hugs* xx

from divacowgirl :

I can't get in either!

from x-plicity :

Did you change your password, sweetie? Miss you!

from spring-da1sy :

I don't know how you stay sane with all that daily frustration. I'm sorry, but I'd have to woner if it's worth it. Please send me your password at [email protected].

from amb1valent-k :

What he's saying is 'why can't you just be like you used to be - before you started to make this difficult? Why can't we just enjoy what we are instead of concentrating on what we're not?' The problem being that men treat a relationship as a fact or an object (like evrything else in their lives) - something solid which can be improved upon or damaged but at its core it remains the same thing. Women seem to think of the relationship as something fluid and progressive, subject to constant change, and something which needs regular examniation to know what it is just now. If you think of it as the way the sun lights a garden; the man sees the garden, the woman sees the play of light and shadows as they change throughout the day, and then the seasons beyond.

from amb1valent-k :

Of COURSE I want to keep reading! Why the change?

from ava-reborn :

As always Kevin has explained it perfectly!! That describes Dave too. Your conversation with Sam is so similar to those I've had with Dave. But it's all just going through the motions. Nothing is achieved by these conversations. It's like he's on a not-so-merry-go-round! He's going round and round, and he's throwing these words and empty IM hugs at you, but he's not stopping. The roundabout's not stopping. It slows occasionally, but just as you catch up it speeds up again. You're just going round and round. But as painful and exhausting as it is, you don't want to stop, because being close to him is better than losing sight of him altogether! *hugs*

from im2evil4u :

I'd like the password please (I'd also like to find the time to send you a damn email with my suggestions on the situation but I hardly have the time to shit these days) --Love you

from amb1valent-k :

Oh dear - he just bobs along on the crest of the wave doesn't he? Sometimes he knows it's rough sea, sometimes he fears that if he puts down he'll find it's rocky. But most of the time he just likes to pretend there's nothing below the surface. SpringD's right though. It's going to be pretty empty without him -if he goes.

from spring-da1sy :

You know what I wonder? I wonder IF Sam does move, what you're going to do with yourself then? All that drama-gone in a flash.

from lifeasme66 :

Don't worry about it hon, I know you've been very busy with all of the stuff going on in your life =) I hope all is well, you do sound better. And don't worry about me. I'm just doing the usual boy drama... what else is new? **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Move I mean't in the previous note...sorry... Sending you hugs honey. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Wow hon, once again, I am in awe of your strength. Glad to hear you are feeling well, and that you have been doing okay lately. Was worried about you! If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me ;) **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I hope he will not mood. And I can provide the valium...xoxox

from spring-da1sy :

Geez, I'm so sorry. I'll cross my fingers that the 30% chance that he won't be moving prevails.

from ava-reborn :

Aww, lovely, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I'd cope if Dave moved away. I don't see him often now, but at least I know he's there if I want to! And I know he might ride past on his motorbike at the weekend, or drive past on his way home from work. I really hope Sam doesn't move. My fingers are crossed for you! xx

from krugerpak007 :

I am so sorry. xoxox

from krugerpak007 :

I still don't know what to say since I know you are hurting. You are lucky you have such a wonderful husband though. And at least you and Sam will always have friendship? I don't know sweety, I am stuck for words. Just be happy. xoxox

from krugerpak007 :

Shit, I don't know what to say. I just want for you to be happy.

from prissy-pants :

I found your diary through the Turtle's notes page. I noticed that you and I have a few of the same favorites and seem to have a lot in common. Would you mind if I read you? You can email the password to [email protected]. Thanks.

from sweet-cynic :

ugg :( *huggs*

from x-plicity :

Those words sound so familiar. I remember thinking those very things before Abe left. When He would go off with his wife and have "meetings". I remember wanting to scream at him how much I was beginning to hate him and what he had done/was doing to me. I hope you let Sam have it.

from divacowgirl :

Let it out girl!

from amb1valent-k :

Oh dear. I used to think I was Sam and you are Jo. But I simply don't get this 'I didn't realise, until you told me' stuff. That sounds a bit like 'If you want more than this low-level relationship I want to have, then you're going to have to end it, because I'm happy where we are'. Oh dang! That WAS me, wasn't it?

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon... **HUGE HUG**

from x-plicity :

I know it's hard, but you're strong. You're a Cancer for god's sake!! We can be piss and vinegar when we need to be. Just keep doing what you're doing. It will eventually lead to where you need to go.*hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

Honey, I can imagine how you are feeling now, hurt, angry...But sam cares so much about you. he has played these games for too long now and will be back begging, I know it. Until, YOU end things, it will carry on and on. I just don't like to see you hurt. Thinking of you. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Glad to hear you are doing more or less ok, hon. But that does suck about the trip! What's he thinking??? **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I can only imagine how upsetting it must be to have to decide whether to sell the house you have been in and devoted so much time and effort in. I am sorry you have to go through all that now, and I wish Sam would be a bit more supportive now, rather than discussing trips to Hawai with screwed up people. I hope you are doing ok. xoxox Kathy

from x-plicity :

I've never known anyone as clueless as Sam...ever.

from x-plicity :

Good luck house shopping. *hugs*

from theturtle :

You could be right... she actually IS perimenopausal. But it's still annoying as fuck.

from sweet-cynic :

that was very ill-mannered of him. he should know better than to flaunt that vacation to his best friend who is struggling with money and is contemplating SELLING HER HOME of years and years to be in a mroe stable fianancial place. ugg. maybe you should call him out on it to prevent him from being thoughtless in the future?

from krugerpak007 :

*hugs* Thinking of you..

from ava-reborn :

They're really not tuned into real life are they! They don't have a clue! As for the lesbian thing, I'm with you!! I wish I was sexually attracted to women, it would make things so much easier, I'm sure! At least we'd be from the same planet!

from ava-reborn :

from krugerpak007 :

I am glad you are having some "me" time sweety. thinking of you of course! take care and enjoy your weekend. It's about time you began spoiling yourself and thinking of only you! I am proud of you. xoxoxox

from divacowgirl :

Can you teach me how to take a break from myself? Just kidding. It just seems at times that this relationship you have with Sam is so exhausting for you. I can't imagine how you deal with it, but I understand why you do.

from krugerpak007 :

Sorry you are going through such hell with the money situation... Not quite sure what to tell you. I am in hospital now for 4 months with no salary...Mmm. Money sucks..well, when you don't have it. So you are not alone. Take care sweety. xoxox

from x-plicity :

Good for you, Sweetie!!!

from theturtle :

Well, OK, you went and added me as a favorite, and made me curious, so send me a password or something (my email is on my site, just "tell me stuff.")

from x-plicity :

How funny! I just sent you an e-mail to your yahoo account letting you know about the message I got.

from amb1valent-k :

Just so's you know - I got a nice note from Sam, singing your praises and hoping you're getting support from your friends here.

from amb1valent-k :

'Steady as she goes'. Nice to have a little calmness in your life.

from nicim :

oh - that reminds me. i sure would like to read you....could I get a password?

from nicim :

no dear heart. I don't think you can ever stop if he is The One. I've tried. He is still the first thing I think of in the morning, just before I realize that's not the life I live. And the last thing at night, in hopes my dreams will be of him. *sigh* If you ever find a cure, please please....let me know. *hugs and kisses*

from lifeasme66 :

I wish I could give you more than a big, virtual *HUG*. I think you're handling this amazingly, and I totally admire you. Yes, it is sooo hard, but I think you're doing the right thing. We definitely need to have that beer! **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

krugerpark007... or I downloaded ICQ and you can find me by using my email, [email protected]. Hope we can get it together sometime at last! Miss you!

from krugerpak007 :

So proud of you. You go girl! What is with him? RRRRRR! xoxoxox

from x-plicity :

Did I mention how PROUD of you I am???

from krugerpak007 :

I have missed you. Hope you are doing ok. Have a good weekend. Maybe we can chat? xoxox

from x-plicity :

I'm proud of you, Sweetie. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

I know you know this, but I just wanted to say that I'm happy for your happiness.... but I'd also tell you to be careful. Then again, I'm in a "I hate men" mood so... maybe it's just me. **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

Ease yourself away gently pet.

from spring-da1sy :

You are so strong! Hugs

from x-plicity :

Big f---ing *hugs*, hon!

from lifeasme66 :

I will be worried about you while I'm gone, but just stay strong, be true to yourself, and take things one step at a time. And I'll be back with stories and pictures to hopefully distract you from it all =) **HUGS!!**

from spring-da1sy :

I admire your strength-this is so reminiscent of the things Dennis say, but it's not nearly as intense, and I change the subject or remind him that "friends don't do that". You're doing very well at standing your ground. I know it's hard, and it hurts-that's why I amire you. Keep it up. It will get easier once he realizes you're for real. Hugs

from spring-da1sy :

Hang in there, Love. I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain. Hugs

from lostinmylove :

Just wanted to say Hang in there. I agree with basically everyone. You will get through this. You know if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. ♥

from lifeasme66 :

Hon, I'm so sorry I've been out of town and unable to be with you through this. You are sounding better, I know you will pull through. We could both use a beer, methinks! **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

Your friends here are right - we don't understand. I didn't understand until you people made it clear to me that it was my responsibility to put an end to it. I can't see Sam doing that without the same sort of external guidance, so it will need to be you. Here to help if I can (..!)

from x-plicity :

Cut yourself off, Love. It will be painful, but it's the only way you can get through it. Walk away, grieve and then heal. It's the only way, Love. *hugs*

from ava-reborn :

Somehow they really do think that IM hugs are meaningful! And that they will satisfy us! They really do think that!! Or sending a *hugs* or kisses via an email! Virtual love is not the same. A few weeks ago, I had an evening chat with Dave. That's almost unheard of! But Mrs Dave was away. At one point I was being a bit funny with him, and confessed I just wanted him here. His reply, "I AM here!" I said I wanted him WITH me. He said he WAS! And that he was mine all night!! They weren't words to him! He really thought that! He couldn't see how empty a gesture it was to me. They don't understand. It's pointless trying to make them. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. And I can't say it will ever go away because I don't honestly know. It's been over a year since Dave and I were "together" and I still find it hard to be friends with him without it hurting. But what I can say is that it does get easier! Promise! It just takes a while to get into a certain mindset in order to handle it. I still love him and want him and I still hurt, but it's not as constant, or as intense. What's the betting though that just as I get completely to a place where I view him as nothing but a friend, he'll decide to leave her for me!! Sod's bloody law! Hang in there lovely. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to who understands. You are strong enough to get through this! *hugs* (virtual are the best I can do!!)

from x-plicity :

Oh...my heart is just breaking for you. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know that no words are suitable. I feel your pain, Sweetie. *hugs*

from barank :

oh sweetie, anything is possible. u are not a fool, u're just a woman in love. hang in there and write about ur "mess" soon, it's going to kill me until i know what's going on.

from ava-reborn :

A mess??!! Really??!! I'm shocked!!!! Next you'll be saying me and Dave are in a mess!! .....Ah, ok! *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

I am glad you are feeling good. I worry about you. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Nope, not surprised at all. I knew you were strong and that you'd pull through ;) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Welcome Back!!!! *hugs*

from barank :

thanks for the note. i'm not sure what i'm doing but oh well. as for you my friend . . . take a deep breath and prepare. for what i don't really know, just be ready and most of all, take care of YOU! YOUR NEEDS MATTER!

from x-plicity :

Good luck sweetie!

from ava-reborn :

Thanks so much for that note. I'm glad I'm of comfort to you! It really is good to know you're not alone, isn't it! I gave myself a time period for decision making just over a year ago! I'm STILL trying to decide! I hope you manage to sort out a solution which you can be happy with. You know where I am if you need a sounding board who understands!! Other people are nice and try to be supportive to us, but only you and I know exactly what we're going through! *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon... I wish I could help you. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. And I wish I had the advice you needed to fix it all. But I don't. All I can say is that you're strong, and I know you will pull through this. **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

Cold turkey isn't always the best way of dealing with an addiction; in this case a determined effort to wean yorself off might be better. It might also help you deal with the inevitable surprise of those around you who are used to you two being together so much, if you suddenly broke off all contact.

from ava-reborn :

You are not being a bitch! That would drive me fucking nuts!!! And don't you just hate it when they completely ignore your obvious upset, and say "You sound well and happy"! That gets on my tits! It's obvious they're trying to convince themselves cos they can't deal with the alternative! You're not alone lovely, "my name is Ava and I'm a Dave-aholic!!!" "I'm addicted to having my heart ripped out, shredded and trampled on!" *hugs*

from ava-reborn :

Killing us, always killing us! They don't realise that each time they tell us how they feel about us it pushes the knife in a little further, do they! I only hope we have a similar effect on them! Somehow I doubt it! I suppose I'm more fortunate in at least knowing he's not happy with her! That actually helps!! *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

He is killing me too. I am however glad to hear you are ok!!

from krugerpak007 :

I am so worried about you. I hope you are hanging in there and keeping busy. I am here if you want to chat. Just drop me an e-mail and hopefully we can meet up online if you feel lonely. Love you sweety, be strong. Thinking of you.

from barank :

me again, got the password, but what's the user name?

from barank :

thanks for the add. your comment about me really hit home. why? because you get it. i'd like the opportunity to read you if i may.

from iwanttotell :

Oh My God! As soon as I have time, I have to go back and see what happened while I was away. Honey, I am so sorry this is happening. If it has to be over, I hope you find it's for the best in the end. You will no longer have to deceive John and/or Kathy, and that will be a tremendous load off your shoulders, but your poor heart! Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Honey, I am so sorry. You are going through some tough times and my passwords are saved on my home computer so I only read now while I am at home for the weekend. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, just that I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. I don't want you to hurt and quite frankly I am tired of Sam causing you pain. I do hope that whichever way things turn out that they will be the best for you. Think about yourself now please and take care. We love you here and care! xoxoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Such a tough spot, I'm so sorry, hon. I'm like you too though, it's either all or none. I can't do halfway cuz it's just too painful. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. All I can say is that it won't hurt like this forever, this too shall pass. **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

I wouldn't assume he doesn't know the pain you're feeling - maybe just thinks the way to lessen it is by being compliant with your (eloquently) expressed desire to stop here and now. I still don't get the 'didn't know' bit. That just seems a lame denial. How could he possibly not understand what he was a part of?

from sweet-cynic :

i hate to say this, but he seems completely selfish. he's happy to have both k and you and he thinks that by being 'upfront' with k that he can happily have his way with you as well and so what if you're hurting? so what that you're willing to risk your whole domestic stability and marriage with john for HIM. he doesnt seem to want to do the same for you. whatever's safe and protects him, he's ALL FOR. this is just the impression i get from what you reveal and i pray it's wrong, but he smells like ass. and... i hope you wont be upset with me for saying that. and if you are, i will still adore the crap out of you.

from x-plicity :

It's like sam becomse aware of your pain and then goes into denial because he doesn't want to admit to the fact that he IS causing you pain. Do you know what I mean? He's a man that will always be in denial about how he affects you. Positively or negatively.

from x-plicity :

YOu're right. After a while of being in the passanger seat of a relationship like this, resentment is never far behind. I held a lot of resentment towards Abe, especially towards the end. I hated that every aspect of my life was revolving around HIS availability, even when we were living together. *hugs*

from divacowgirl :

It's quite possible that while he is away you might start to feel better about things. It could give you the opportunity to look at things with new eyes.

from amb1valent-k :

Well! Am I the only one who's incredulous? Was he convincing when he came out with this 'I didn't know...' stuff?

from ava-reborn :

OMG!! Now things make sense! I hope this is a positive breakthrough for you both and can lead to a happy future. But this is Sam we're talking about! I can't see it being that straightforward!! And as for his idea of the 2%, that niggles at me so much! Kissing, touching and cuddling is far more intimate than penetrative sex! The act of sex can be carried out with very little emotion, whereas the "foreplay" is the meaningful expression of love. That is the real betrayal. I once forgave an ex for being unfaithful because I knew that he'd had straightforward penetrative sex, without any foreplay! I couldn't have forgiven that kind of intimacy. Anyway, enjoy the time while he's away! Take time out to concentrate on you! xx

from lifeasme66 :

Wow, hon... no wonder you were drunk ;) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Maybe this new developement will change some things...but knowing Sam...maybe not. *hugs*

from sweet-cynic :

*huggs* yes. time to focus on yourself.

from x-plicity :

With Sam being away, you'll be able to focus more on you. YOu kind of neglected yourself lately. *hugs*

from sweet-cynic :

sigh. hawaii. i feel you. *huggs*

from chickpea981 :

Hey man! In response to what I read on miss diva's notes: You've all read the shit I've gone through to get to this good piece of ass! I'll trade you the dog lover, the committment phobe, and the liar if you would prefer. :P I can't read you at work anymore for some reason, so I have some catching up to do. I'll give youa real note soon enough.

from amb1valent-k :

Even if you make a choice... you'll still be who you are. And feel the same about him. It's been so long, such a major part of your life. You're in the bottom of a wave just mow; there are still more crests to ride.

from lifeasme66 :

Rather pensive entry, hon. It is hard, nothing ever comes easy. I know you know this. When I feel myself spiraling downward and becoming depressed, it becomes harder and harder to reach out to people. To go out and try to distract yourself, etc... even though you know it's good for you, you just don't feel like making the effort. I just want to say that if you ever feel like that, you'd better call me! I'm here if you ever need me, ok? **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

As long as you are smiling, then I am. Wow, isn't it great meeting diaryland friends? I am sure you guys had a good time! Have a good weekend. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

=( =( =(. It's times like that, when things are at their worst and I get the "drifting" feeling as well, that I always consider if it would be the best time to just drop everything, you know? Not saying you should, not saying you shouldn't, just saying I know how you feel and where you are. With that said, any possibility of maybe having a cup of coffee (I'd suggest beer, but I think I've had ENOUGH alcohol as of late ;) with you in the near future? **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I saw a movie the other day about two twin brothers who were dating a girl. They would "shar" her. And she thought it was the same guy all the time.Are you sure Sam does not have a twin. He is so difficult.I don't know if I am making sense, but I am worried about you. This is like emotional torture. I am here if you need to talk.Thinking of you.

from x-plicity :

I hate to see you in pain like this, sweetie. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Make him wait 2 months before sex? Man, I think I failed that lesson. What if SHE can't wait 2 months? Anyway, looking forward to talking/possibily seeing you soon!!! **HUGS!!**

from ava-reborn :

Me? Strong? I don't think so! I think I just put on a good act!! Sam has said if K finds out he'd keep seeing you as a secret?? Dave said, and I KNOW, it would be the push he needed. He would leave her and be with me. I don't know how I'd feel if he said he 'd still keep me a secret even if we were discovered! But each individual situation is different. No-one can judge any situation they're not in themselves! *hugs* xxx

from x-plicity :

Eventually you'll have to decide if the lows are worth it. When I was with Abe I always thought they were, but now that I don't have lows anymore I can't help but wonder what I was thinking. *hugs*

from ava-reborn :

Oh sweetheart, I guess you won't find the strength until the lows heavily outweigh the highs. Unfortunately, the higs seem all the more high when you've just suffered a low, so it could be a long time. I'm in no position to give you advice!! Lol! So I'll just send you hugs!!! xx

from im2evil4u :

Can I have your email address?

from x-plicity :

Lots and lots of *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Thank you so much for the sweet note, hon, and definitely... I will call you after I'm out from work today. I would love to meet up with you, I think we could both use the girl time. **HUGS!!**

from lifeasme66 :

Awww, I so wished you would have had a great weekend... I'm sorry it didn't go as you'd wanted. Got your comment, hopefully we will get a chance to talk soon. Feel free to call anyway, and if I can't take the call, I'll be sure to return it when I can ;) **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

Checked my mail - last contact was 20th Jan. I think you must have forwarded my 'The end' entry and Sam sent a farewell. I think I sent him back an explanation of why I felt I should quit the old diary (sorry I only keep received mail, not sent)

from lostinmylove :

I wish your weekend had been better. Just wanted to let ya know I am thinking about you. Hang in there. ♥

from krugerpak007 :

How? How would they be in touch with him? How do they know him? No, no. You cant leave us! I hope you are ok? It would be awful if you just dissapeared. Please take care and please be back! xoxoxo

from amb1valent-k :

Not me.

from x-plicity :

Oh, sweetie! You can't leave us! I really don't think anyone here would tell Sam anything. He's just probably trying to get you to talk to him. Ava is right in saying that men aren't as devious as women are but you must admit Sam is a bit...femmy. LOL Just know that we love you and we wouldn't disclose anything you tell us to Sam. *hugs*

from ava-reborn :

Don't disappear!! Not unless you're absolutely sure someone here is betraying you! How sure are you? Surely if Sam knew things he'd be mroe obvious? Maybe he just suspects you're still writing about him and he's trying to trick you into admitting it by pretending he already knows what you've said? Although, I'm not sure men are that devious! They're not clever enough!! Women are much more likely to be devious! Anyway, I really hope no-one here is being so low as to betray your trust. Only a couple of people actually know who Sam is, don't they? And I really can't believe they'd do that to you. Anyway, Have a wonderful weekend!! *hugs*

from sweet-cynic :

that makes me sad that someone on dland would do that to you. you'd think someone with an online journal himself/herself would realize the value of privacy.

from amb1valent-k :

You and Sam know how I love to make analogies... I used to say to we were like the two sides of a zipper. Sometimes we were completely aligned and everything ran smoothly, other times we were just a littl out of line and the teeth got snagged. If we could have been always zipped shut we would have been fine, the problem was that we were continually being pulled apart.

from lifeasme66 :

Wow hon, crazy! Well, here's hoping with both have great weekends! I might call you if I can't post, because I am unsure as to my computer (if any) setup down in Cbad... Have a great one! **HUGS!!**

from ava-reborn :

You're right, knowing it's a cycle does help a little. At least we're prepared for the inevitable extremes!! If I don't get the chance to say it later in the week, have a great weekend!!! And thanks so much for your note yesterday! xx

from lifeasme66 :

I'm not sure when you leave for your amazing weekend, girl, but best of luck to you. Be careful, yes, but have fun =) Can't wait to hear allllll about it! **HUGS!!**

from lifeasme66 :

Hehe, John to the rescue! That's great =) Sounds like we both have a big weekend coming... **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

Incorrigible. Great word. :-) Now why did I never think of playing the 'bad connection' ploy when things got awkward? I did hang up on a couple of times when the argument was getting into a ridiculous moss-gathering mess, though.

from x-plicity :

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

from ava-reborn :

Haha, "Im sorry, i think we have a bad connection...i didnt hear anything you just said!" That sums them up really doesn't it!! I'm so with you about them just being honest. Dave does the same thing. If he thinks I'll get arsey about something he will avoid telling me, even when it's obvious. He's never learned that however pissed off I get about something, it's nowhere near the venom I'll spit if I know he's not telling me something! God, isn't that the same lesson we teach our kids??!! Have a good weekend lovely! xx

from x-plicity :

I'm with iwanttotell, I'd be going crazy right now. He is so very sweet though, in the way he feel protective of you.

from iwanttotell :

Strength doesn't seem to be the the main factor in your situation-endurance, however, you've got it! How DO you do it! If I were you, I'd be screaming, "Stop this roller-coaster-I want OFF!"

from ava-reborn :

You went to a wedding on Saturday??? You can downplay it as much as you like, but what did Camilla really look like? Did Charles look relaxed?? Was the booing as loud as it seemed on tv?? Do tell!! Or are you going to pretend ot was someone else's wedding you attended??

from floaty-ana :

hey...i've moved to roxiekitten see you soon.... zoe

from x-plicity :

You're entries are never boring. Feel better and drink lots of water. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

It sounds like Sam has selective hearing issues, eh? I'm proud of you for standing your ground. I wonder if he has any clue how his words sting?

from x-plicity :

Uh-oh. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Good for you, hon =) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Here's to choosing us!!!!

from avalonte :

*hugs* Good for you lovely!! I'm so proud of you!! You're pretty much where I am now. I have yet to get a life, but I've stopped him being my life!!

from chickpea981 :

I have only one burning desire: let me stand next to your fire! *giggle*

from lifeasme66 :

Aww hon... well, just enjoy the goodness and the sweetness when it comes. You will find your way. **HUGS!!**

from avalonte :

Kevin, as usual, has it spot on! I hope you find a way of dealing with things that works for you. Whether that be cutting all ties with the love of your life, or accepting the hellish but exciting up and down ride! *hugs*

from amb1valent-k :

It's a rollercoaster, eh? The higher the height the faster the descent to the bottom, and the more you lose control of your stomach. Doesn't mean there's not going to be another ascent though. Ask yourself if you want this dizziness still. He's offering you just the flat ride - *would* you be happy with that?

from avalonte :

Oh, and thank you so much for your compliments about my sketch! I'm never that happy with my drawing so it's great to be so flattered!!!

from avalonte :

We knew it was coming. It's as predictable as fucking menstruation isn't it! We know it's coming, we're prepared for it, we know it'll be messy and horrid, but somehow it still knocks us sideways! Have a good weekend lovely. *hugs* xx

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon... =( **HUGS!!**

from nicim :

Thank you for the note. I would love to read your diary. As I said, we are all looking for The One. So what DO you do when you are not your one's One. That's the big question, the only question, the neverending burning cometojesus question that never leaves your mind, your heart. All we can hope for is.....someday.

from lifeasme66 :

I still don't know how you do it, hon. If it were me, I know his ass would be sooo kicked. What if, when you sensed him pulling back like this, you just took some time off too? Don't return his calls or emails, don't initiate for a day or so... because you are so good at anticipating when these pull-backs will happen, maybe you could remove yourself from the situation so that it doesn't hurt/anger you so? This is just a suggestion, I don't want to tell you what to do. Psst... if you want to come up to OC, we'll hang out and enjoy the weather this weekend ;) Again, just a suggestion **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

"But i dont want to make it harder on him." You sometimes protect him too much and he makes me so angry. I don't mean to be nasty to sam, but you need to think more about YOU and YOUR needs honey. I hate to see you irritated, angry and a little hurt. When I am hurt and angry, I get depressed. I don't want you to go through all that. You need to start outting yourself and your needs first. I hate to see you feeling angry or hurt by Sam.xoxox

from amb1valent-k :

Sam's instinct is to be the arbiter of what is 'going too far' for you both. he knows your tendency is to rearrange and sort things to wring the maximum possible from your lives and sees the danger in doing that is that your momentum might carry you both over the cliff. He has to set the boundary a little way back in his mind just to be sure he preserves a living futurer for you both

from x-plicity :

I'm glad you're taking things easily. There will always be back lashes and and such. I know, becasue I used to be Sam. *hugs*

from amb1valent-k :

PLEASE Be careful.

from x-plicity :

Whoa, Honey! Be CAREFUL!! You want to make sure you aren't going to be regretting any of this later. I know this is coming from a bitter old hag with 2 cats, but I'm a bitter old hag who knows. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Woah, girl!!! It's dangerous searing such hot words into my head right before I go to sleep... naughty dreams!!! >=) **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

ahhahaha x said "divine fecal matter" ahahah. that distracted me from my being distracted with your hot story from me being distracted from my night in the library.

from iwanttotell :

Yes, I'm afraid we all do love to hear your tittilating tales (sp?) The best part is hearing that you're so in control of your own emotions. Kind of "on top" if you'll pardon the pun :-)

from im2evil4u :

I know, I know. But I shall make up for my Applebee's visit this afternoon as we're dining in the most expensive steak house in the city - Peter Lugers - for Easter dinner.

from amb1valent-k :

Come on! Hurry up! We want more!

from krugerpak007 :

I have missed you! And wow. It seems I missed alot! xoxox

from amb1valent-k :

Go on! Try saying 'No!' (Stunned silence all around the world I reckon!)

from iwanttotell :

WOW!

from x-plicity :

Wow! Divine Fecal Matter!!!!

from lifeasme66 :

Woah... oh my GOSH, girl! You've just left me hanging **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

damn! that's hot. random: are you a gold member? i see that you updated and ive been having trouble and wanted to see if it's just the gold members updating.

from lifeasme66 :

Just had to say that that was a truly eloquent email you sent S. I totally felt your frustration getting back just that simple reply. But I guess it's true when they say you can't really change people. He will see what he sees, even though you might use the best communication. **HUGS!!**

from divacowgirl :

I truly hope you're having a better day (Hugs)

from avalonte :

OMG, you're right, we really are living the same life! Maybe we are actually twins, separated at birth!! Glad you managed to recover from your flip-out! I did too. But it was pretty worrying for a while there!! Have a good weekend. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon... come up to the OC, I'll take you out. Seriously. **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

oh man... breathe 1..2...3.

from avalonte :

Yes, I know you know I know!!! Hehe!! Yes, I speak to her virtually everyday.

from x-plicity :

*smoochies* Love ya!!!

from avalonte :

Well, you KNOW I understand the not being able to be "just friends" thing! Like yours, my relationship with Dave has lasted too long and too intricately to reduce to just friendship. We cannot control these relationships. Removing the physical part of the "affair" is the easy part. But that doesn't make it a plutonic friendship! Emotionally you'll always be involved!

from lifeasme66 :

I know what it's like to lose the person that "fills the holes" and yes, it is really tough, especially in the beginning. I'm sure what you'll experience will be a much higher degree (because you and S have such history) than what I have, but do have faith that people adapt to anything and that, with time, everything will heal. **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

i agree with x, if you're going to do it stick with it. it's going to be a doozy... (needless to say). i have faith in you though.

from x-plicity :

Once you've made your decision, stick with it. It seems hard now, and it will be painful for a while; but once it's done you'll notice how much of your own life you were sacrificing. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

It sounds like you've already made the decision. It's rough-I know. Is there any chance at all that you could be friends?

from avalonte :

I know you love him. You wouldn't put up with so much shite if you didn't!! Enjoy the current change in the air!! But please be prepared for it to change back again!! Make the most of it and have fun!! x

from amb1valent-k :

Well done pet. Make sure he knows you're OK with what happened and how he's reacted. Who knows - he might get comfortable with the idea you're not going to push for more and 'give in' more often.

from krugerpak007 :

OMG. What a week! You sound so good. Not beating yourself up and also taking Sam and EVERYTHING, in your stride. You sound great and happy. I am glad! (And still jealous! :-) xoxox

from avalonte :

I totally relate! I remember writing an entry describing how I felt I should have a red light in my window because sometimes he made me feel like a cheap whore! Shagging and leaving! But I knew he never regarded me like that, and it inevitably had to be that way, just as you know that about Sam. But you can't help how you feel. I so understand! *hugs* Have a good weekend.

from lifeasme66 :

Oh I know what you mean by that "empty bed" feeling, I hate that. It's been a while since I've felt it, but I remember just feeling so hollow when it happens. A big *hug* to you, hon.

from x-plicity :

Wow....

from iwanttotell :

OH MY GOD! I don't know how you resisted. Please send some of that my way for tonight. I feel like I'm going to need it.

from lifeasme66 :

Girl, you bring new meaning to the word "willpower"! I swear! **HUGS!!**

from im2evil4u :

Hey Dar'lin - please email me your username and password again. I lost your original email. THX

from x-plicity :

Love ya to pieces!

from iwanttotell :

Wow! You are so insightful. I like that you appreciate the relationship you have with John. He sounds like a good guy. As for Sam and Kathy, you're right there too-to each his own. It's nice that you care, but it's their relationship. You're sounding so positive these days!

from krugerpak007 :

You are right, things are more equal than they were, and you are calmer and take things in their stride.I am glad to hear you sounding so positive. Roll on July! xoxox K

from lifeasme66 :

Girl, you are definitely right about how you are now vs. before. I mean, I don't think I was reading you yet a year ago, but I've seen the difference between now and just a few months ago. You don't get nearly as worked up and you don't despair like you used to, it's great to see and I'm sure it has been better for you both! Yes, there's still the frustration and the venting, but that's natural for anyone in your situation! Good job, keep it up!!! **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Sam is wacky! I was just catching up now. He never changes! You two go round and round and round in circles! I hope you are taking care of yourself and not letting it get to you! I am here for you! xoxox Kathy

from lifeasme66 :

Oh geez, I swear. Good for you for not taking this as a personal offense. You are right about having way too much on your plate to worry about stepping on eggshells with him. I hope he sees that he's being totally unfair! **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

What the hell does he want??!! Good for you for telling him to stop playing games. Talking about a mind fuck!

from avalonte :

For gods sake! Men!!! 5 minutes ago, if you'd read an invitation into that, he'd have slapped you back down to reality! *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Your positive attitude is so infectious, hon! Glad to hear things are going so smooth for you internally, despite all the external rockiness... I admire you so! **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

It's so good to hear you aren't stressing as much about Sam right now. He have SO much more to be stressful about. *hugs* and keep your chin up! Luv Ya!

from misssio :

i really want to read... if linda loves you so much there is no way i could not, though I am not smart enough to find your e-mail address and send you a request to read... mine is [email protected]

from x-plicity :

*hugs* Sweetie. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.

from lifeasme66 :

I'm sorry, sweetie... I wish I could just meet up with you for coffee or a beer and give us both a shoulder to cry on. **HUGS!!**

from amb1valent-k :

You need a job because you have a need to feel valued. No one part of your life is going to do that in isolation, not John, not Sam, not a fulfilling job but together they could amount to enough to help you love yourself. You're wanting something more, and different aspects of your life seem to be giving you less than they did. Your friends here are right - you'll know when not getting enough from what you have with Sam, becomes a drain on you. xx

from sweet-cynic :

hi there. i have to say this before i forget. i've grown to admire and respect you in such a way i would a mother (i know i know, you ARE a mother) but in a way that everything you say i take to heart just because you've been through so much and lived through so much. that aside, thank you for encouraging note and i'm still here reading. hoping for the best. i would have started crying (with my emotional state these days) if john confronted me about my slight pda with sam and sam's seemingly repugnant reactions. you amaze me with your ability to crumble internally but no one is nonethe wiser around you (ie john mini me, etc) i'm glad you have us to whom you can let down your hair and vent.

from iwanttotell :

Doing the "right thing" is often the hardest thing as well. I think you're on the right track and you know it. Changes like that always come slowly for me, so go easy on yourself. When the time is right, you'll make the changes. Hugs

from x-plicity :

The worst part of having these relationships is the fact that people lose so much of themselves. At least you recognize it for what it is. Now you need to do something about it. You need to extricate yourself from Sam, unless you want to lose yourself totally. *hugs*

from amb1valent-k :

Sam's good at this 'dual-role' thing if John really buys the idea that he thinks you're getting in too close. He's doing "well" if discomfort that people might realise the truth when you behave like that, is coming over as he doesn't welcome your attentions at all....And... You need a job, pet, you really do.

from x-plicity :

Being preggers would explain a lot. Sam is like an emotional female. I don't envy you one bit. I agree with avolante, but for some reason I don't think it would work with him. Your Sam is a paradox, my dear. *hugs*

from avalonte :

Lol at Kevin!!! Would explain a lot! Anyway, just tell Sam that you'll stop contacting him completely. That you'll only speak when spoken to! That you'll curl up in a little locked box waiting for him to open and take you out when it suits him!! That's the way they'd have us if they could eh! Mind you, that works both ways! Hehe! *hugs*

from amb1valent-k :

And now it's your side that's familiar to me. The gradual withdrawals of little things that seemed to be 'OK' before, but can't now be 'managed'. Sam's not pregnant is he? xx

from avalonte :

You and I always leave identical notes for each other!! We ARE in such a similar situation. I know exactly how you feel. Have a good weekend lovely! x

from x-plicity :

*shakes head* Sam, Sam, Sam. He's so confused. Does HE know how confused he is?

from x-plicity :

I'd be a horn-dog too if i had a man that teased me the way Sam teases you all of the time. I would go freak'n insane!!!!!

from ponfarr :

Thanks for the shout-out, dear. It's always nice to hear that someone else is enjoying reading this stuff. :)

from lifeasme66 :

Hon, it is YOUR strength that I admire. Regardless of how we get ourselves into bad situations, how we handle those situations are the true tests of character. I can't say that I would do anything differently if I was in your shoes, who can really say that without knowing the whole road you've walked, but I can definitely say I'd doubt if I could handle it as well as you are. You are doing great. Stay strong, my thoughts are with you! **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Love Ya, Sweetie!!! *hugs*

from x-plicity :

*hugs*!!

from floaty-ana :

hey hun thanx for your comments they always perk me up! sorry for taking so long to get back to you dont get much time as i'd like to catch up on my buddies! please please please can you note moi you new password etc. take care i hope all is oki in your world zoe xxxx

from bitterwineuk :

Thank you for the password and an insight into your life. I have deleted your note as requested. Thanks. Becca

from x-plicity :

Thank you for sharing the story. It made me a little teary eyed. *hugs*

from bitterwineuk :

hi, found your diary through Krugerpak007. Please can I have your password as I think your diary sounds interesting. Thank you. Becca

from sweet-cynic :

i liked that entry.. how everyone is in some degree/stage of wackiness and we all need to get it together. wackiness. i like that. it's true and it makes me feel better that i'm not the only one feeling wacky.

from krugerpak007 :

Thanks. You know it is so embarrassing to be here. I feel so weak you know? Like everyone goes through bad times, and I am not strong enough to deal with it, and I just feel so weak. I mean there are people that really have problems and they deal with them on a daily basis. I have a couple of problems and can't cope. I just feel so embarrassed. Anyway I hope you feel better soon, that you catch up on your sleep and just feel good and happy in general. Take care of youself and try relax on the weekend. Have a good one. (I hope this note made sense! Thanks for yours. xoxox Kathy

from adulterous-k :

So many parallels between our situations eh?

from coeurdoux :

Got your password and deleted your note, thanks! Could you delete my note with my email addy in it?! I'm so retarded!

from x-plicity :

The letter was very good, but I really don't think he got it. Is that really all he wrote??? Makes me want to shake him!!! What DOES he want from you? Do you really know? Has he ever told you other then "nothing"? Wow...

from lifeasme66 :

Is there something in the water??? ;) **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

My dear, I don't know how the hell you stay sane. I don't even know what to say to that. Just hang in there and take more "me" time. You deserve so much. xoxox Kathy

from avalonte :

Translation....... "I don't want to be the one who ends "us", I'll leave the ball in your court, then I'm not the "guilty" party! Plus, I want to keep my options open!! One day, I might be ready to "taste the mint" and don't want to prevent the opportunity from arising! I don't want a physical relationship right now, but I don't want to put you off because I might want it by next week!!"

from lifeasme66 :

Girl, your entry was dead on. I know the feeling exactly! Sometimes, you can't do anything except shake your head and say, "whatever!" **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

*banging head on wall* Honey, I am SOOOO confused!!!! I get frustrated with him and I don't even really know him. How do you do it?? *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

Sam, Sam, Sam. He confuses me I think more than he confuses you. Maybe you just need some "me" time. You are going through so much right now, with been unemployed and all kinds of stress. The last thing you need is the extra stress that Sam gives you. I know you can't give him up, but think about what you want and need now. You need support and attention. Spoil yourself. You need everything for YOU right now. You can't only always think about him. Give yourself attention now. You deserve to be happy with less stress. I am here for you. Take care sweetie. xoxox Kathy

from avalonte :

Oh PT, I sooooo relate!! We're at a similar phase in our relationship, as you know. It's damn confusing! But for us, although it's Dave not giving me enough attention and not "being there" enough for me, it's me not letting him "taste my mint"! I can't explain the relationship to anyone else because I don't even understand it myself. *sigh* Anyway, I'm thinking of you! *hugs*

from sweet-cynic :

i don't know how you do it. *huggs*

from adulterous-k :

Certainly NOT lame. February will be better - you see! xx

from iwanttotell :

Don't say that. Things can always get worse. That is crappy that they wouldn't give you anything on the trade-in. Apparently they don't know much about doing business. I'm glad you didn't go for it. Have you thought about trying another dealership?

from x-plicity :

That car dealership is whacked!!!! You should have been able to make a trade-in. Car dealers are the scum of the earth...right under lawyers. Also I wanted to give you big hugs for your note. You're so wonderful. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

NOT LAME! Have YOU forgotten it's a DIARY? I don't know about your other readers, but I'm interested in hearing all of it-not just the exciting stuff. If we only wrote about highly interesting, wonderful times, I'd have-like-two entries!

from x-plicity :

Have fun finding a car!! What's the deal with men giving adivce anyway? They're always willing to dish it out but when we ask what shoes look better with what we're wearing, they get all paranoid! Men!!!!

from krugerpak007 :

Good luck for finding a car. Enjoy the time with Sam. And your entries are never lame! Just enjoy and have some fun. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Good luck finding a reliable, affordable car! And still, your "cool" attitude is inspiring =) **HUGS!!**

from avalonte :

Good luck finding a car! Hmmm... you, Sam and a test drive down a quiet country lane!! Have fun!

from krugerpak007 :

I am stumped for words. Just hang in there hon. And take care. And I really am here for you, even though I am not sure what to say now! xoxox Kathy

from lifeasme66 :

Sometimes, when I was totally swamped and stressed out with school or stuff at home, Jon used to tell me words of "support" but always top them off with something like "well, I could help you if you let me." On the surface, it sounds like an honest offer, but I knew he would say this because HE himself was feeling neglected and wanted me to spend time with him. Nevermind the problems and issues I was having, he still wanted me to tend to him. And he'd get sulky if I turned down his "help." I don't know if it's the same thing with you and Sam right now, but it sounds a little like it. And I don't want to sound heartless or cruel, but I do think you have a point about being okay with him being distant for a little bit. When you just have too much to deal with, you really feel like you don't have the energy to deal with his insecurities as well. You gotta take care of YOU! And there's nothing at all wrong with that. **HUGS!!**

from lostinmylove :

When I was going thru so much withmy husband, and he would just say "I'm sorry" yet still screw up the same things over and over, someone told me "An apology is only valid if you take the steps to make amends." And those words have stuck with me. Seems like Sam likes to push your buttons to make HIMself feel better, then just say "I'm sorry" to get away with it. Just my thoughts.. :) Hang in there!

from krugerpak007 :

You give me strength! You are going through a rough time and yet you are so ok with yourself and with Sam. Yip, a girl after my own heart! Love you sweetie and am here for you...xoxoxo Kathy

from iwanttotell :

I'm glad you're doing so well on the Sam situation. I bet you feel a lot better about yourself as well.

from x-plicity :

You're doing good. I'm so proud of you!!!

from x-plicity :

You are having such a rough time!!! I wish I could help you some how. *hugs* and Keep your chin up!

from iwanttotell :

I hope you don't have to sell your Harley, I mean you have to have something that brings you pleasure, right? I really feel for you, having to scramble and worry about your finances. I hope the market improves for you. Hugs

from lifeasme66 :

I admire your strength, hon. Best of luck with the money situation, I'll be praying for you. **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I doubt he would ever do that. Anything you write in the diary he knows already, thats why I think you are getting paranoid. Really. Relax and maximum, change your password if you feel really stressed about it. But don't you dare leave us!It sounds like you had a great day. And you sound good and upbeat. I like to hear you like that. Take care! xoxox Kathy

from lifeasme66 :

I was thinking the same thing about the weather today... boy, we pay up the wazoo for that sun! I like that you're happy with the new you. Everything sounds so much more content with you, it makes me smile! And, just based on what I know of Sam from here, I really don't think he would be one to disguise a request, but in case you're suspicious, you can have every requester give you some background info. Maybe a request can be deceptive, but to cook up a whole story about who the requester is?? I really doubt Sam would do that! **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

i doubt he would do that to you but just to be sure, only give out your pw to someone with a diary of their own. check it out.. see that they've developed an archive with a life that isn't sam's (ofcourse lol) and then give it to them.

from avalonte :

Awwww, don't worry lovely, I'm not going anywhere. Sorry I didn't explain that properly. I'm only going to move to a new diary with a less distinguishable name! x

from krugerpak007 :

I don't think he has got in to your diary. Really. You are always honest and open with him and you write it all down here so if anything he just recaps what you have written because it has actually happened. Am I making any sense? I am glad you two are communicationg and best you do not leave us. I would be in mourning, so best you reconsider! Take care sweetie, we are with you! xoxox Kathy

from lifeasme66 :

Wow hon, sounds like a tough spell. But just the sound of your words in this entry tells me you're taking it well! Hang in there. And if you do decide to pack up shop and go somewhere else, you're gonna have to tell me where you're going! Don't make me hunt you down! =) **HUGS!!**

from maliger :

I hope all is well. I just wrote a poem... after a dry spell. (Jan. 22nd)

from x-plicity :

Please don't leave us!!! As far as sam getting into your diary, I don't think that he has. If anything he's always had that feeling. He knows that you've mentioned your side of what has been going on in your diary and he has ALWAYS assumed that it was negative. I don't think anyone would bring up stuff in your diary to him either. He's probably just feeling insecure right now. *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

Oh dear. Will we ever understand men? Especially one as complicated as Sam. He just seems so confused and so awe struck. He doesn't know how to act anymore or what to make of this relationship. I think you should air these things to him. the promises, the behavior. Have it out. Then maybe he will understand more. Good luck and cheer up and hang in there, I am here for you. xoxox Kathy

from iwanttotell :

I thought there were TWO people in a relationship? I could be wrong. Sam seems to have forgotten that your feelings should be considered as well.

from avalonte :

Thanks for asking lovely. I will write an update on Dave soon. Things are much the same. No news really. We email & text, with lots of flirting. But I haven't seen him for a few weeks. I really don't know how to define our relationship! Messed up? That just about covers it!

from lifeasme66 :

Love the healthy outlook, it looks great on you! You go, girl! **HUGS!!**

from iwanttotell :

It's great to be able to read you again! I see you've come a long way, and Sam has stayed the same. Well, good for you!

from krugerpak007 :

Sam, Sam, dear Sam-will he ever change? I am glad you are ok though. thats the most important thing! Love you! xoxox Kathy

from x-plicity :

Sam is SO predictable! You're taking it well though. Good for you!!! *hugs*

from x-plicity :

I'm glad you and Sam had such a great time. You're right though, you need to be careful with him. He's a little looney sometimes. *wink*

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, thanks so much for your notes. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I so need a friend right now and your notes simply lift me up. You understand me. Thank you, thank you,thank you! xoxoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, you had a great time. I love to hear you and Sam so happy like this. I just want you to carry on been happy and smiling, and to enjoy all the time you guys have together. Most importnatly just be happy. xoxxo Kathy

from avalonte :

What happened to your layout?? Hope you enjoy your ride!!

from lifeasme66 :

Glad to hear you in such spirits, hon! Enjoy your day today, you deserve it! =) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

You Vixin You! Have fun on your ride!

from x-plicity :

I absolutely adore you!!!! *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

Thanks for the caring email, hon. Yeah, things are not good... and I dunno if they're going from bad to worse or what... *sigh* I appreciate the gesture, but I got home late last night. Hopefully we will get a chance to talk soon though, I'd love to =) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Relax and have a margarita for me!

from iwanttotell :

Well then, I conveyed my feelings perfectly! I don't know if I'm happy about it or not. It feels good, but I guess I'm afraid of getting lost in him like I did with Dick. Just trying to figure it out-that's all. Good to hear from you-I really miss reading you. Hugs

from x-plicity :

Phone fucks are the best...sort'a.

from chickpea981 :

OMG is right. the pictures really add something, don't they?

from avalonte :

What a great day!! Sorry you didn't get good vibes about the meeting. I hope it all works out anyway! xx

from im2evil4u :

obsolete because you are too efficient? LOLOL! What an ass.

from x-plicity :

My thoughts are with you. Hope your meeting goes well!

from krugerpak007 :

Good luck with the meeting. I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there! xoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I am sorry you have been going through such a hard time lately. That woman does sound darn rude. All it takes is a phone call. people are something else sometimes! Anyway, I am sure something will come along, just hang in there, ok? I understand about the weepiness. I sit and cry all day at work about all my issues. I think people have started thinking that its weird when I am not crying. Anyway hang in there. We are here for you! Glad everything is going well with same! Teach him a lesson when you see him again! *wink* xoxox Kathy

from x-plicity :

Just hang in there! Weeks can go by really fast! As far as my entry, SF got back with his girlfriend, "sort of". Men are such players. lol

from krugerpak007 :

I have been so bad lately. Sorry. Firstly my parents' slow internet, and now me in a total state wallowing in my own self pity..(What else is new huh?) So I hope you are doing ok sweety. Thanks for all your encouraging notes. They really lift me up. And so did your quiz answers! Take care and be in touch. Love Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

i stole your survey :) also, what's a day trader?

from lifeasme66 :

I will just HAVE to steal that survey from you, hon! I loved your answers =) **HUGS!!**

from divacowgirl :

NEVER apologize for writing what you think or feel. That's what this is for...remember ;)

from chickpea981 :

I hope that wasn't directed at me...

from x-plicity :

There are always going to be a couple of suck ass days. I'm glad you aren't letting this one get you down.

from adulterous-k :

One of the many things that we had in common was that we'd both met our prospective partners on the same date - albeit 12 years apart. 4th May - just missed you then!

from chickpea981 :

can I come in? [email protected]

from adulterous-k :

Yep - we're just stupid, and highly amused by farts. I've been meaning to ask. Something significant happen on 5th May 1989? Just being nosey

from avalonte :

Hell yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I remember when Dave's baby was born and Dave called me to tell me it was born, a girl, and healthy, etc. Errrrmmm.... too much info buddy! I care about it very loosely because it's his, but and the end of the day if it weren't for the baby there's a good chance he and his wife wouldn't be together, so I really don't want to hear all about it! I'm with X. Just accepting that they're just completely dense is the only thing that stops us battering them shitless!!!!

from supermom3604 :

Hi, thanks for the note. I would, in fact, like the username and password if it's okay. My email is stressgirl at gmail dot com. Thanks!

from x-plicity :

You are correct, Dear. Men just don't have any sense in them. The only way a woman can go a day without beating a man senseless is by accepting the fact that they are just plain dense. Not to mention, lacking of any proprioty. Damn farting asses. *smirk*

from avalonte :

Hehe, simple, the reason men find farting so funny is because ALL kids find it funny! Women have the benefit of maturing since childhood. Men unfortunately never experience that evolvement!!

from avalonte :

Haha!! Yeah, exactly! You know exactly what I mean! Why are men so lacking in general intelligence??? Anyway, congrats on the vitamin regime. I'm so happy for you that it's working. And you certainly sound a little more upbeat! Long may it last!!! *muah* xxx

from x-plicity :

You sound so GOOD, Hon!!! I'm glad things are going all right. Hope the next two weeks don't become to tedious. *hugs*

from sweet-cynic :

happy new year! i just caught up with your journal and wanted to give you a thumbs up for the God entry. Also, am very happy that you sound so motivated! and congratulations on a sucessful vitamin regime!

from lifeasme66 :

Sounds like you're on the up-and-up, girl, way to go! I'm thinking you'll be fine during this 2 week thing, maybe a little rocky at times, but you've survived far worse. It will be fine! And about meeting strange men in public places, *ahem* if I can do it, you can do it! ;) **HUGS!!**

from adulterous-k :

My vote? I like to hear about your opinions and the other stuff in your life - but hey, you have to decide.

from chickpea981 :

He may have more than sex on the brain but right now I don't want more than the current friends with benefits deal. Too many other thigns there that would make a relationship difficult. As for KB, yes, what an ass. I don't get it and I never will. Oh well, right? Thanks for the note.

from adulterous-k :

And happy New Year to you pet! I'm sure 2005 will be better for both of us! In some ways I hope what you wrote today was in response to what I thought about the tsunami. But if so -did you read what I meant? xx

from lifeasme66 :

Glad you are feeling so good and EVEN! I was grinning all through your entry =) **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Miss u! I sent you two emails and both came back to me. Cant get in to your diary because I left the passwords back in Israel. I hope you are ok, the men in your life are not driving you too mad. That you have a wonderful christmas. Thanks for everything in the past year. I am crazy about you and wish you only the best. seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays! You deserve only good! xoxoxo

from sweet-cynic :

merry christmas! i'm so sorry that there's tension between john and J. that's such a shame... and it's a shame that tension between step parents and children isn't unusual. i hope he's better about it this christmas break, and treats her with holiday and familial warmth. happy holidays

from lostinmylove :

When I married my husband, I knew damn well I was NOT JUST getting married to him... I was also committing myself to his daughter. It hasn't always been easy... but more than worth it. To love you, he has to love ALL of you - and that certianly includes your daughter. I hope you feel better... please have a wonderful Christmas.

from adulterous-k :

Happy Christmas!

from lifeasme66 :

Awww, the flu sucks! Take care of yourself, hon... plenty of fluids and rest! And thanks for the comment earlier, I appreciate all of your support as well! **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Sam can be such a "girl"! Only women read into things as deeply as he does. Maybe you should tell him so! *wink*

from krugerpak007 :

Trying to catch up and guess what an idiot I m. Your password is on my computer in Israel.Just a quick hi. At an internet cafe and trying to rush. Everything is so expensive here....I am running out of money...So wishing you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year, hope you are well! And Sam is well. And that you are doing ok!!!xoxoxo

from x-plicity :

He finally gets it!!! It's a freak'n miracle!!!!! *grin*

from avalonte :

Yeah, it's amazing how insensitive they are isn't it. I honestly don't think he had any idea how bad it sounded, him saying "I've never been happier. It's never felt more right!" Yeah, thanks arsehole!!! Remember who you're talking to please!!!! As for Dave, yeah, he does remember the date. He asked me to go online the other evening (because he's off work for a copuple of weeks) and we chatted about it. But whether I'll hear from him today is another thing. I'm not expecting to, but I wouldn't put it past him to turn up this evening. He's quite a sensitive soul! Hope you're doing ok lovely! xxx

from sweet-cynic :

thanks muchly for the "parental scolding" :) i always appreciate your advice because you are older than me (not old, just older) and you've lived like a million lives.. so i always really value your input. and it did give me new perspective.. i am being rather black and white with my dad. i made up with him tonight.

from avalonte :

*hugs* ..... just *hugs*!!!

from adulterous-k :

I have confidence - it's bad, but it'll work out fine. You'll see. xx

from x-plicity :

*big hugs*!!

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon, I am so sorry about all your drama. Best of luck finding that job, and hanging in there for the tough month without Sam. I know that fear of IM/notes at work, etc. Fortunately, Phillip and I can't IM from work, but you know I delete our emails every day. You gotta be careful with technology nowadays... **HUGS!!**

from divacowgirl :

That does suck. I'm so careful what I IM at work because of that same factor. Plus, I don't want those I see every day knowing all my business. I am confident that you'll get a better job :)

from divacowgirl :

Thanks girl, it's nice to know I've got friends here.

from x-plicity :

It will never be easy to extricate yourselves from each other's lives. The longer you stay together the harder it will become. Just hope you two will never get caught. *hugs*

from adulterous-k :

Yes, thanks, I understand. Hey - maybe I should swap places with Sam for a while! I'm sure I could get used to the climate if nothing else :-).. You OK, pet? xx

from adulterous-k :

perfect?

from avalonte :

Well, that told me! That note was quite scary! Hehe, I know it wasn't meant as a direct criticism of me personally, but it seemed that way at first. Got me quite worried! I suppose it's just my guilty conscience!

from x-plicity :

*hugs* Here for you, Hon.

from adulterous-k :

Oh dear.. xxx

from avalonte :

It's all so complicated and sucky isn't it!!! I wish I had words of comfort or wisdom for you! Hell, I wish I had some for myself!! **hugs**

from lifeasme66 :

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry, hon. And I understand it is out of pain. I'm so sorry. Whatever you decide to do, know that you have my support and my readership. And if you ever need to, please email me. We can exchange phone numbers if you need a listening ear. **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

:( .... all's aside. have you read "he's just not that into you?" I hear so much about it from my friends... especially if they're trying to gain new perspective on a recent break up or on a relationship. i haven't read it, but am dying to and thought you might have read it since you alluded to it. I'm sorry Sam's taking you for granted... but i thought all men did this to their women. does john ever do this to you?

from avalonte :

It's the mundane day to day stuff that we do with them that seems the most intimate sometimes, isn't it. It means more in a way than just a romantic fumble! When I stayed at the hotel with Dave, although we had great sex, and romantic talks etc, one of the best things for me was just sitting together watching telly!

from sweet-cynic :

i feel you about doing mundane stuff makes you feel like a "real couple".. playing house is a fun form of intimacy.

from x-plicity :

For some odd reason, when plans are made they always flop. Sorry hon. *hugs*

from x-plicity :

I agree with your friend. Sam has a co-dependancy on your crazy moods.

from x-plicity :

Wow...talking about 360....

from lostinmylove :

Buffy, and OF COURSE Angel! I still tivo Angel every Sat & Sun night hoping to catch one I missed. (There are not many - bad huh?) And.. I even cried when they were over! But it's ok because thats what boxed season sets are for! But I promise I do have a life - even if I can ace any trivia challenge about them!

from twinker-bell :

you left a msg for xplicity about the shower head and I'm not sure if you mean it, but if you did, have you ever had a tiny spot that swells up later, it always goes away, but it's uncomfortable for a bit and i think it's from that... sorry if this was an overshare

from x-plicity :

Fate can sometimes be a real bitch. Don't worry, you'll get everything sorted in the morning. *hugs*

from avalonte :

You are so gorgeous!!!! As the title of the photo says "hott!!!" So it's one of those bottles that gave you so much pleasure eh!! ;) Happy anniversary. I hope you enjoy the concert. Smile! Have a good weekend lovely!! xx

from lifeasme66 :

Hang in there, hon. I keep trying to tell myself too that there are always rough patches, and somehow, we always pull through. This, too, shall pass. **HUGS!!**

from divacowgirl :

You are a babe! Nice to finally put a face with the words.

from lifeasme66 :

Whew! No wonder Sam can't keep his hands off you! LOL what a babe! And it is positively GREAT to hear you so happy, hon =) **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

oh and im admitting now i didnt read that last entry. just saw your pic and left/leaving a note. will read it tomorrow after one of my finals

from sweet-cynic :

i agree, wowza :) you look hip and fun and hot :)

from im2evil4u :

YOWZA WOMAN! You are one hot momma! It is really nice to finally put a face to the diary, especially after that tease the other night.

from avalonte :

If you have any trouble and need some help, and he's not around, you can always ask me! I'd be happy to help!

from avalonte :

Get that photo sorted you!!! I want to see it! ;) Today's entry was really romantic! Thank you for bringing some romance to my day! x

from adulterous-k :

No picture! Does it come in a discreet e-mail form?

from sweet-cynic :

orrr you could also send me the photo and i'll resize it for you and i'd send it back. or even upload it for you.

from divacowgirl :

I don't see a pic :(

from im2evil4u :

You vixen you! How dare you tease me like that.

from switchcraft :

You don't actually have to resize the picture. If you e-mail me the link to the pic, I'll e-mail you with the code snippet to post the pic at a decent size.

from krugerpak007 :

I havent been able to read your diary or catch up. Just know I am missing you and thinking of you, and I hope you are ok sweetie! Thanks for all your notes and comments! xoxox

from x-plicity :

AHHH!!! The wittle Sammy is cwankie?! Poor thing! lol Good to hear you are feeling good today, hon. *big hugs*

from avalonte :

I didn't find it boring at all!! It's like a soap opera, lol! Isn't it just typical, you sit around on your own for ages, nothing to do, then they both want you at the same time! xxx

from adulterous-k :

Funny - Jo's the one who has encyclopaedic knowledge of where we were and what we were wearing. And dates too. I remember better what was said..

from lifeasme66 :

Thank you so much for your comment today, sweetie. It really clicked home. And thanks also for all the other support you've given me. It's hard to explain to other people what posting entries here does for me, but I would definitely use you as an example. I hope you have a great holiday, and that things stay calm and controlled and GOOD with Sam during this part of the "cycle." **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I predicted that that would be the case. I am so glad to hear you sounding relieved and happy. I can almost see the smile on your face. Its not easy, I know honey. But hang in there. We are all here to listen and to be there for you as much as we can. I am glad you two are almost back to normal. You two have too much to lose it all. I somehow feel this connection will last forever. Its love. xoxox

from lauracv :

Hey there. I pop in occasionally to see how you are doing and it looks like you changed your password. Could I get the new one? If you are sharing. Thanks. Laura ([email protected])

from krugerpak007 :

Go Avalonte. i could never have said it better myself. I just hope things will go back to normal. That soon I'll "hear" the smile in your voice. That Sam gets a life and decides what he wants and stops playing games and hurting you. men and women are so damn different. I am so sorry love. I wish I was with you right now to try and cheer you up. Love you lots and I am here! xoxox

from divacowgirl :

Take the weekend off? What are you suppose to do, get a two day lobotomy? You can't just shut down how you feel for two days. Hell, I wish I could do it for two minutes.

from lifeasme66 :

Honey, I wish I could just fly you and me to a deserted island so that we could take the time to emotionally heal. I swear, it seems both of us could use it! **HUGS!!**

from avalonte :

Men are just little boys. They want to play with the fireworks. They're pretty, they're exciting, and they're dangerous. But every now and then the fear sets in that mummy's going to catch them and punish them. So they run away from the box of fireworks. They still want to watch fireworks, and enjoy them, but without being involved in lighting them themselves, cos they don't want to get caught. The excitement of the danger becomes too much to handle, and they withdraw. Then after putting up with watching someone else have all the fun with lighting the fireworks, the urge grows in them again, and once again they find themselves meddling with the box themselves again, just dying to light them again. It's a circle. It goes on and on. It takes a very mature minded boy to resist ever lighting those fireworks again! I don't believe he can permanently cut the "lover" side of your relationship. If the 2 of you were never going to see each other again it may be possible, but not seeing as you'll have to continue the friendship. I suppose it's down to you as the "adult" in your relationship to decide what to do next. Do you put up with his temporary withdrawal and take him back later when his feet warm up, or do you make this his last chance to mess you around?! I wish I had some words of comfort for you. I've got such a similar fucked up relationship with Dave, that I'm the last person to advise you! Just know I'm here for you! *hugs*

from x-plicity :

I'm so sorry about all of this. I know exactly what you are going through, and beleive it or not the pain will lessen. It will never fully go away, but it won't be as painful later. You just have to let yourself out of the friendship entirely. I know it sounds horrible but it's either that or constantly hoping that since he is still technically in your life, there might be some hope. It's the hope that becomes the knife in the gut after a while. Trust me on that. If you do decide to try to keep your friendship going remember to keep yourself distant. This might not be what you want to hear, but I promise, having him around is going to be so much more painful. *hugs*

from lifeasme66 :

=( I still feel so bad for you. But I understand COMPLETELY how that aftermath works. You get really hurt, and find yourself just cold and distant afterwards. It's self-preservation hon, and nothing to beat yourself over. I think Sam just needs to understand that what he did/said hurt you tremendously and that you just need some time to yourself to recover. Doing anything now, when feelings are really hurt and everyone is oversensitive, may only make things worse. I would take a few steps back, tell him to leave you alone for a little while, and just concentrate on you. Nurse the pain, take the time to ride the distance, and when your heart is ready, you can talk to him again and see where you guys stand. That's just what I would do (and what I am doing considering recent events... haven't posted yet). I hope it works out, hon... please email me if you need to **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

i don't understand sam most times... i can't imagine what you're going through right now especially since in matters of sam, you have no real life support OTHER than sam.. *hugggs* my thoughts are with you

from krugerpak007 :

OMG. I just caught up now. Oh hon, I am so sorry. What is going through that man's mind. I wish I knew what the hell to say to you. Or to make you feel good. I know this must hurt like hell. I just don't understand men, and never will. I do however have this feeling that he will not be able to stick this out for long. You two have become part of each other, and it will not be as easy as he thinks. I know things will come right. Just hang in there and let him stew for a while. Take care honey. I am here....xoxoxox

from lifeasme66 :

Oh hon, I'm so sorry (and kinda shocked) at this turn of events. Maybe he will come to see how extreme it all is? I dunno what to tell you... except that I hope it gets better. <=( **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Sorry you are feeling so damn crappy. Hang in there honey.When do you have the doctor?Seems like winter arrives and with it the blues. At least thats the way it has been here...Just think, if we were nearby we could go out and have a good chat over a good bottle of red wine! Hang in there hon! Thanks for your note!xoxoxo

from avalonte :

I could have written that entry myself!! I'm fucked up and often pick fights with Dave. He remains calm and understanding. He is the one who seems like the hard-done-by one, putting up with my crap, being all patient and and bloody reasonable! But at the end of the day, he may be blameless for the particular argument, but he's partly responsible for me being so fucked up and causing the row! So he's not as shiny white and blameless and fucking superior as it would seem! SO, yeah, I completely understand where you're coming from! *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

I really hope you feel better sweety. Meds will make a world of difference. I am terrible without mine. Keep your chin up and take care! We love you, and feel good! xoxoxo

from switchcraft :

I sent an e-mail days ago, but I guess I have to leave a note ;). Let me in!

from divacowgirl :

so, I have a new friend, not ready to post about it yet, but wanted to tell you

from x-plicity :

You know, we really should work on having a convention of some sort...get together somewhere like colorodo or something!!! Wouldn't that just be wonderful? An adultry convention!! Hmm....

from avalonte :

Yeah, count me in!! I'm sorry you're feeling so blah! I know that feeling. The quicker you get yourself sorted with drugs the better!! I hope your cold shifts quickly, too! Take care lovely! xx

from adulterous-k :

Can I come? I won't get in the way

from divacowgirl :

Count me in, sounds fun!

from krugerpak007 :

Yay for make out sessions-nothing better! Glad you are sounding positive and you made me smile. take care honey. Its a new week, new experiences, lots to look forward to! Love Kathy

from divacowgirl :

Sigh, what's a makeout session and where do I sign up? Just kidding

from lostinmylove :

Hey there! Thanks for your note. Please email me if you have time, your email is so far into my old files I would not even know where to look for it! [email protected]

from lifeasme66 :

Good entry! I know it's hard to choose what gets shared and what stays hidden... hehe, I have to censor too for my private entries. I guess, it's whatever you wouldn't want Sam actually reading--that's what you censor. And a big "hell ya!" about the making out =D That IS the best part! **HUGS!!**

from im2evil4u :

That's my baby, he is cute isn't he. No, I didn't change it because of you, I'm going to change it every once and a while to show of my photographic talents.

from sweet-cynic :

i want both.. i want the strong love and the strong sexual chemistry. i think they're so complementary that it's okay to want both and expect both.

from divacowgirl :

You and I are feeling some similar vibes this week, I've been planning an entry that deals with some similar questions. I love the relationship with my husband, knowing he's always there for me...but I do miss the great sex. However, I wouldn't want to be married to someone and only have the sexual chemistry, you can't build a life on that. Besides, you have more than that with Sam obviously, or you wouldn't have stuck it out this long.

from sweet-cynic :

youre going to hate me haha i need your pw again... if you want to now ban me for being so forgetful I UNDERSTAND! I promise to write it down this time.

from lifeasme66 :

Just read your entry... to answer your question, I'd probably rather have deep respect and love vs. sexual chemistry, but that is definitely a hard question!!! Ideally, of course you would want both, but I think that's very hard to find. I might have gotten close with Jon, but I don't really think I've ever found it. **HUGS!!**

from lifeasme66 :

Ah, thanks dearest! I probably did get your email, but since I have no internet access at home (and can't check my personal accounts at work-firewalls) I haven't been able to check my email. Thanks so much though, can't wait to start reading again =) OH, and don't worry about your note... I'll delete it! **HUGS!!**

from avalonte :

I couldn't choose. I need both. It's a package. I have to be able to talk to them and connect with them on an intellectual level but also be sexually attracted to them. If the sex is crap, then the long deep discussions aren't going to keep my interest! And vice-versa, if the guy is dynamite in bed but can't provide the emotional and intellectual side of things, he's not going to last either! It's like looks or personality. Neither is sufficient on it's own for me, I need a mix of both. So, no, I can't choose. It's both or spinsterdom for me!!

from lifeasme66 :

Hey hon. Just wanted to say hello and hope all is good with you. I miss your diary. And, I would have emailed you but I have no internet access at home! Grr! **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

i miss your journal.... :(!

from krugerpak007 :

Couldn't get in today from my home computer!! Weird! Anyway tomorrow I will be back at work and can catch up. Thanks for your note. I hope you and Sam had a good day today and that all is well honey! Love Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Welcome to the "pisser mood" club...I hope you feel better though sweety. Take it easy. Love u!

from x-plicity :

Hope you feel better. Get some rest!!!

from divacowgirl :

I'm going to tell you the same thing I recently told Krugerpak. You're entitled to your diary, you're entitled to write about how you're feeling and what you're experiencing. If people choose to read what you write, that is their problem not yours. It's admirable that you don't want to hurt others, I feel the same, however, remember its a CHOICE if they read. Hang in there.

from adulterous-k :

Are you back? I still couldn't get in.

from krugerpak007 :

I am so happppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeee. I would have missed you too damn terribly... Welcome back sweety. We love you!

from im2evil4u :

You know, seeing that you have updated and not being able to read it is a terrible tease.

from im2evil4u :

Yes, its a baboon. Why is it frightening? I took that photo at the Syracuse zoo in septemeber and consider it my Mona Lisa.

from arc-angel666 :

Hello Second Love: I was told this is a place for a great read. Apparently now any more, it seems I've missed the boat. Respectfully Michael

from x-plicity :

Please keep in touch!!!! I'm always here for you, hon!!!

from divacowgirl :

I am sad to see you go. Please keep in touch.

from iwanttotell :

I'm going to miss you, but you're being true to your heart, and nobody can blame you for that. I wish you a fairytale future with Sam, with all the hugs, kisses, sweetness and love you desire. This is obviously something in your life that must take its course. Please, please be ever so careful and don't hesitate to come talk to us if you need to. Hugs

from adulterous-k :

Sorry to lose you, especially as you seem to think I may have contributed to the decision. I don't think I ever did betray anything you wrote here, but if so - truly sorry. DO be careful!

from lifeasme66 :

Thanks for the note, hon. And thank you for your continued readership despite these circumstances. I greatly value your opinion and hope that I have helped you as much as you have helped me. =) **HUGS ALWAYS!!**

from im2evil4u :

I'll will miss reading and ask you to follow your heart.

from sweet-cynic :

:*( Will miss you

from lifeasme66 :

=( I am so sorry to hear you'll be leaving. But I understand how it is. The best of luck with EVERYTHING, hon. You are the sweetest, and you deserve to be happy! Please keep in touch, I will check in on ya from time to time =) **HUGS!!**

from divacowgirl :

Girl, I can't keep up with you. Just be careful please :)

from x-plicity :

I know exactly where you are at right now. �How can these feelings we have be wrong? Sex won�t change anything, it will just be a physical symbol of the way we feel for each other.� But as soon as you cross over there will be so many more complications your head will start to spin. Sam will begin his crazy cycle again and you will feel neglected even more then usual. It�s just the way that happens. Not only will you feel emotionally rejected, there will be the physical as well. Which makes things ten times worse. I just want you to be happy, and I want you to think about all of the things that could possibly happen. Look at my situation. I don�t want that happening to you, and it�s usually inevitable. I should have just sent am e-mail. Sorry, hon. *hugs*

from x-plicity :

Ok...is this the same Sam? Was the real Sam abducted by a strange alien race and replaced with this risk taking, sweetie? Just think long and hard what's going to be happening between you. The good things and the bad. Love you hon.

from lifeasme66 :

Wow, what a question he posed you! I wasn't reading you way back when, but I still get a feeling for how monumentous Sam's actions have been lately. It must be your excitement that gives it away ;) I know about feeling like you should be careful. Emotions are hard to rationalize through so the best some of us can do is to try to keep them under control. **HUGS!!**

from iwanttotell :

Sheesh-and you thought the people who work there talked about you before! What fun!

from krugerpak007 :

The important thing is you saw each other. I so hate games. I think sometimes I am just too truthful. If I want to see someone I make no bones about it...Maybe thats my downfall? Anyway sweety, nearly the weekend. I hope it goes quickly for you, and that you manage anyway to relax and be happy. xoxox

from adulterous-k :

Well, it seems to me...oh I forgot. I don't advise you now, do I? :-) xx

from avalonte :

Oh it's so complicated!!! I SOOOOOOOO relate!!!!! *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

That was some story. I admire your way with words and patience in that situation. If that was me, I would lose patience with him and wouldn't be able to explain how he had misunderstood. I bet you were emotionally exhausted after that one. Hugs

from lifeasme66 :

Aww, hon, I'm sorry... I'm anticipating the follow-up to this entry **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

What did you right him? He seem sooo mad. lol

from poplord :

I guess I didn't expect you to see any side but hers. Thats fine. i don't need to "lessen" my guilt. i have to live with it everyday.i have every right to my side. andrea struck a low blow to my wife. i never did that or anything like it to her husband. being angry doesnt give her the right to be vindictive. feel how you want about it.andrea may have gone through a lot, but ya know what, so did i! doesn't change the fax. i wasnt aware she was justified cuz she needed to survive. she left her marriage without me.the fact that she was left alone was not my doing. she was alone before i was there.

from x-plicity :

Naughty, naughty girl!!!!

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, good news for you! Great! xoxox

from iwanttotell :

Wow, indeed! Sounds like your feet won't hit the ground for a few more days, huh? You and S remind me so much of me and Dennis. He makes me feel like a giddy schoolgirl too!

from krugerpak007 :

Wow! That sounds like an awsome day.. I am so happy for you. xoxox

from lifeasme66 :

=) Just being happy for you in your happy moment =) =) =) **HUGS!!**

from sweet-cynic :

no need to apologize.. i think really, ive just been so irritated with how dominating he is andthat doesnt help matters. but yeah.. i have a really soft spot for those less fortunate. when he said "those whocan't afford health care/ education" are those who don't work hard enough and he also said they must not want hard enough - it just tears at me. i will always have a soft spot for those less fortunate, i think mainly because i always think of my parents when they were refugees and all the shit they went though- and the sacrifices they've made for my brother and i... it just hits a really sore spot. you did pose a good question, one i've been asking myself. i'm giving myself time to see if if anything else thats latent will creep up. i really am disillusioned by him now though. give same a birthday kiss/hug for me :) when you can ;)

from imabrat2 :

Hi. Can I have your password? You can e-mail me at [email protected]

from lifeasme66 :

Aren't birthdays such the greatest?? Sounds like you will have just as much fun making Sam's the best as I did making Phillip's good =). He's still thanking me for that! And thank you too, hon, for the sweet note. I'm so glad I can be here to help =) **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

What a great entry! I am so glad about how incredibly happy you sound. Warms my heart! Enjoy the birthday today! xoxoxo

from avalonte :

I'm glad I'm not the only one who enjoyed Princess Diaries 2. K loved it!! So girly. And so escapist!! I'm so happy for you that Sam's home!!!!!!!! I was so happy to read that entry!!!! My heart actually jumped to read that he was home! Maybe because I'm awaiting Dave's arrival!!?? Anyway, enjoy him being home, lots of love, xx

from avalonte :

I know. That history makes you feel like you have one up on the wife! You know? You'll cope fine without Sam. You know you will. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! ;) xxxx

from lifeasme66 :

Wow, great entry, hon. And about passing those two weeks? It'll be tough, but I think you'll do so with flying colors, I have faith in you =) **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

I am so glad that you sound so good and so positive. You will pass the test, because even though Sam may be a bit preoccupied and it might be difficult remember that we are all here for you. So you definitely will not feel lonely. Take care sweety and enjoy celebrating Sam's birthday on Monday-what did you get him?Are you suprising him with anything? Love, Kathy

from avalonte :

Hehe, I know what you mean about logging onto messenger even if you know he won't be there. It does make you feel a little closer! I also know what you mean about being freaked out if the choice actually had to be made, even if you think you know what your choice is. I longed for Dave to leave his wife, and when he did, it was scary! For both him AND me! Anyway, *hugs* for getting through your short "separation" from Sam! Try to have a good weekend. xx

from iwanttotell :

Damn, girl, your thoughts, feelings & actions are identical to mine on this. I have so been there. Men talk about women being needy, but they do so often turn our pain into a reason for themselves to whine. It's no big deal when we're not already feeling crappy, to soothe their egos, but it's the last thing we need when we're already down. Hang in there, Chick, you're due for an upswing. Hugs

from lifeasme66 :

Aww, hon, so sorry to hear you down. I wish there was something I could do! And yes, you know it is true... no one can bring you happiness to fill any void. It's all up to you to do that for yourself. I know that doesn't help any, and I'm sorry that you feel stuck between two men that don't seem to give what you want. Even still, tough times, they do pass. And the rain always makes everything seem worse. You will be okay =) **HUGS!!**

from lifeasme66 :

Amen, girl. I know exactly what you mean about giving and giving and then feeling pissed when there's no reciprocity. That must be something totally female, and it drives me nuts too. Sometimes it helps to have other friends or other hobbies that you can turn to when you can't get what you want from the people around you (Sam). But I know that's easier said than done, I mean, I'm still looking for that myself! **HUGS!!**

from iwanttotell :

You know you're not asking for too much. Maybe J needs to be encouraged to find other work-that would be a small step in the right direction. A good relationship is a lot of work and so many people are not cut out for the work involved. I know you've known Sam forever, but did you ever have a chance to hook up with him long-term, serious relationship-wise?

from divacowgirl :

Thank you for your note. I hear what you're saying. But, its been three years and nothing has changed. I've heard the "they didn't ask for this" speech lots of times. Its called change, and everybody at some point of their live needs to deal with it. The ironic thing is that most of the changes were positive. Their dad didn't have any clue as to what girls needed and I made sure they had all those things. They all sweet and light when it involves my checkbook and as soon as thats done I'm once again persona non grata. My main issue is that I'm a handy scapegoat. Listening to my stepdaughter last night completely distort everything I said made that very clear. She has used me as a handy excuse for everything bad that has happened to her. Its also "convenient" that she chose to leave last night considering all four children were on limited restriction since they neglected their chores last week. No restrictions at mommys house.

from sweet-cynic :

i read everyday :) glad for the moment everything is okay. umm about the car. Currently we have one car since mine's been acting up but i can take the bus to school during the day. i should stop caring and just go without him but it that still ruins my day because i'm grumpy im in our class and he's at home sleeping. ah well... i guess i should just starting doing that.

from krugerpak007 :

Glad you had a good time this weekend.Mine consisted of sleeping, eating and moping about my rude comment I received...Hope to catch you soon honey, have a really good week! xoxo

from avalonte :

How cool that you get to sit and play footsie! Wow, you know how to live dangerously! I knew someone who was having an affair with someone else's boyfriend. They were all at a dinner party, and my friend started playing footsie with this guy, as he was sitting opposite. At first it was fine, until she accidentally got his girlfriends leg by mistake!!

from avalonte :

Thanks for all your lovely comments. As for the insurance, it's pretty much standard here. most sensible pet owners have pet insurance. Not so much for the animal, but because it's financially advisable! Yes, I think it's worth it, otherwise I wouldn't have it! Obviously! ;) A few years ago, Chloe had accidents and illnesses in 2 years which all together cost �300. My mum's cat didn't used to be insured (he is now!) and had an accident last year which cost my mum �1500! Now she sees the sense of insurance!! My friend's dog had an op a while ago, with follow-up treatment, all in all it cost about �2500! She was grateful to her insurance then! So, in answer to your question, yes, I think it's well worth it!! x

from krugerpak007 :

You have an awsome weekend too. (I know you hate weekends just as much as I do). But enjoy! xoxox Kathy

from adulterous-k :

I still don't get it - why are you setting your alarm for 4.40? Isn't 7.30 more normal?

from iwanttotell :

That's great. You know how you were questioning why you didn't feel funny about kissing another man in your house, with J coming in at any minute? I've been there, too. I don't get it either. I like to think that means it's right. Is that lame?

from krugerpak007 :

Glad you are feeling good, and that you had a good week! I am so bored out of my mind. I need some excitement!! And now its the weekend...:-(( Have a good one sweety-maybe we will catch each other! xoxox

from x-plicity :

Let's just hope him getting it this time will last longer then the last time. lol! *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

I think that might call for a National Holiday-we can call it "Sam got it Day". Hope it sticks.

from krugerpak007 :

Go Sam. Geez. Men!!!! Can't live with them, can't live without them... I hope you are feeling good after all that. Have a good day! xoxoxo Kathy

from avalonte :

No, his desire to rekindle isn't because of the loveliness at home wearing off, because there hasn't been any of that at home anyway. They barely even talk. They don't have a loving relationship. I think it's just that we've reached a point after months of trying to be just friends where we can't keep that up anymore! It was inevitable we'd step over the line at some point! Although, we've been keeping our distance physically, we've still chatted on msn, email, and text, and still flirted quite a lot, and been sexual!! So I think he's just reached the end of his restraint!! The difference between Sam and Dave is that Dave isn't in a happy marriage. It's barely even a marriage, it certainly isn't a relationship. But other than that, things are so similar!! Thanks for being there! I know you understand! xx

from krugerpak007 :

We are lucky indeed! I can't agree more with you about weekends. Maybe thats why I was so homesick all of this vacation? because it felt like one big long weekend...Or maybe I am just weird? Oh well, I can relate. Why the hell do we give such a damn sometimes and don't get the same from them. Why is it so much easier for them always. Rrrrrrrr...Enough ranting, back to work.... Cheer up it's Monday!!! xoxox Kathy

from avalonte :

Thank you so much for showing you agree with me! As much as i felt strongly about what I wrote, I was a little apprehensive as it's such an emotive topic, and our country seems to be making a hero/martyr out of Bigley. So it's great to have your support!! Hope you're having a good weekend! xx

from iwanttotell :

Uh-huh-that entry had 'nothing' to do with Sam! (and everything to do with Sam). I know what you mean about the internet and I think we're all hooked. Ours was out at work today for about 4 hours, and I was in a near-panic state thinking I wouldn't make it to dland today. Praise Verizon! Have a great weekend. Hugs

from list-alive :

Hello, I've recently opened a new listing site, and I would like to list you!

from adulterous-k :

Yeah - OK x

from iwanttotell :

OMG you always rave over our similarities, and now it's my turn. This is truly uncanny. Your first paragraph-about alcohol making so much difference-that's Dennis & me. If we're together and there's alcohol, we WILL mess around. If there's no alcohol, it's just a friendly time. Unbelievable!

from x-plicity :

Now is the time when you have to decide to live in his fairytale or make him live is reality. In his fairytale your "friendship" is flirty and fun and all of the good things from a real relationship but without the commitment or responsibiltiy. Maybe it's time he get a taste of his own medicine.

from iwanttotell :

It's more a factor of distance and difficulty in getting in touch than it is strength, but thanks. I'm sorry you're riding rough seas again. Hang in there. You've got me curious about Avalonte. I'm going to check it out.

from adulterous-k :

Ouch. looks like you don't want any interfering from me then.

from adulterous-k :

What can you do? Look for the one consistent thing - OK he fluctuates, but I would guess not as much as you do. But there is a constant core that you both want, both enjoy at about the same level. See what is good and hold on to it. Otherwise you'll always be opening yourself to disappointment.

from adulterous-k :

I keep meaning to ask - 'getting a yoghurt'. That's a euphemism, right?

from adulterous-k :

...so you wouldn't describe yourself as volatile? :-P

from sweet-cynic :

mm. middle of the night sleepy unaware kisses/cuddles are the best.

from avalonte :

It's always going to be an impossible situation! It's sooo similar to my situation it's scary! When I read your entries it's like I could have written it myself! Anyway, *hugs*. xx

from krugerpak007 :

I hope it all works out the way you want. I understand Sam in a way. I always expect more. I never know when to actually be grateful for what I have. I am sure you can relate. Anyway I hope you are feeling good, better about things. We MUST chat soon. I will be back on about the 12th and we will be in touch! Take care sweety! xoxox Kathy

from adulterous-k :

No problem - no worries. Good luck xx

from im2evil4u :

Hey thanks for the note. It is my pleasure :D

from krugerpak007 :

I am so sorry I have been missing all your drama, and not been there for you...Your feelings are totally normal, so don't for one second doubt yourself. There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't know how to express it all, I suck with words generally. Just know that I can relate to you, that you are not alone, that all of us love you here, and understand you. And that it is damn difficult to go through what you are. Damn difficult. I am here for you. And I just want you to feel good. Hugs and kisses and thoughts from London. Tale care honey. Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

*tight tight tight tight hug*... *sigh*

from lifeasme66 :

No, no, hon... don't apologize at all. That's what your diary is for! To vent the drama so that it doesn't drive you crazy!! I just wish I could give you a big hug when you're feeling sad like that **HUGS!!**

from adulterous-k :

You sure you're not Jo in disguise? PArt of me thinks 'you know you'll come around' but I know how much you're hurting just now. It's an impossible situation we put ourselves in, isn't it?

from lifeasme66 :

Oh honey, I wish I could just give you a big *HUG* =(

from divacowgirl :

I'm here if you need to talk, vent, or whatever.

from divacowgirl :

I'm going with, guys are clueless.

from x-plicity :

Oh, Sweetie!! Breathe in, breathe out....would you like for me to send you his e-mails, that way you know what's going on in his head? Of course he won't know anything about it. *wink* Let me know, your wish is my command. *hugs*

from x-plicity :

Sam sent me an e-mail about that this morning. He seemed so confused!! *rolls eyes* Men are so dense sometimes. He mentioned some other stuff and I gave him a "female" opinion. I made sure not to read your entry first. I wanted to make sure I gave an "unbiased" opinion. Which is really hard when it comes to you. *grin* You're my baby and I'm gonna take care of you!lol! Anyway, I hope what I told him will help things out a bit. *hugs* Luv ya!

from lifeasme66 :

No problem, hon, I love your notes! I guess the pharmacist in me wants to ask how you like Nuva Ring =) How dorky is that??? haha! Also, yes, I understand your misgivings over keeping or not keeping this thing with Sam. It's hard... and even if you want to end things, it will be even harder to actually go through with that, even if it is for the good of everyone involved. Just because our heads want to, doesn't mean our hearts can. **HUGS!!**

from lifeasme66 :

Hmm... your last entry raised some very thought-provoking points. The pill would have something to do with what you're feeling. If you just started that stuff, it takes a few months to get your feelings more "even." Besides that though, I think it's a good thing that you're standing up for yourself and your own self-respect as a human being! It doesn't mean that you love Sam any less, it just means you're loving yourself even more! **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

You are good. Too good if you ask me. I think I would have raped Sam by now. Mmm. I am a nerd-can men be raped? Hope you have a good Sunday and a great week! Thanks for all your encouraging sweet notes. You make me feel a helluva lot better. xoxox Kathy

from adulterous-k :

men-women. The two sides of a zipper that don't always mesh together. But when we do life runs smooth!

from lifeasme66 :

Nah, hon, I think you definitely did your part. You politely inquired, and if he says nothing's wrong, then you've done your duty as concerned friend. Sometimes men just don't want to talk about it anyway so... yeah, just leave things be and even if he does blame you later for not being sensitive to him, you can say "hey, I tried. You told me nothing was wrong, all I did was believe you." And you're right, men are trouble! It's just too bad the nice parts of being with them FEEL so good =) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Thinking about you, hon. *hugs*

from divacowgirl :

Puhleaze, I'm paying $65 a week for R to be there two hours a day. ITs disgusting!

from krugerpak007 :

You are so strong to be thinking of yourself and John. I think it's great. I think it's fine that Sam is a bit jealous, or feeling a bit down about it. You are always there for him, you revolve most of your life around him. It's time he realizes just how important you are to him. I am glad that you are giving John more attention. From what you have written about him, he sounds very special. I know its hard to love two people. God, this whole situation is hard. But you are handling it in the best way possible. Most of all I just want you to be happy. xoxox Kathy

from adulterous-k :

You guys talking about me again? Maybe I should pop over for a chat?

from maliger :

Good luck. But I can see that jealousy is going to be a pain in the neck, especially for you and S.

from divacowgirl :

I couldn't go away forever. Thanks for the note.

from lifeasme66 :

I guess some things never change, huh? I hope you're feeling better, sweetie, and I agree with kruger... yes, be careful! **HUGS!!**

from maliger :

In my compassionate and empathic nature, I am finding it hard to see you in this pain. I am going to tell you the truth, about how I feel about you and J. You are not happy while you are hindered by him. You will survive. Remember that song from long ago about bad relations... well it's not as obvious to you but it is one if you don't love J. It's stressing you out. Only then will you see whether the other man will have the guts to do the same, it's a gambler, and dang it, I'd be buying this ticket because I see a one in three, maybe one in four, chance of things so much better than you have now. We all have dreams. Don't give up on the dreams. That is what makes you alive. That is what makes you happy. You can accept the worst of what you can't do anything about, but this is an opportunity, not 18 years ago, but now! This is the time, while you have these feelings so strong, to make it work. It's now. It's now. How many times before it sinks in. Go for S. because you need to show that you're willing to go for S. or be alone and look for new prospects in the meantime if it doesn't work, which, hell forbid, it could but you can't play tiddley winks forever. *gives her the tiny kick she needs. peace.

from adulterous-k :

Those entries kind of made me worried about you. Do be careful of John's feelings xx

from lifeasme66 :

Aww, hon, I'm sorry you're feeling irritated this morning. But you definitely have reason to! I think it's kinda silly that Sam is allowed to be late but you aren't.. what is that all about?? And you should be allowed to be annoyed too, when he is late. But then, what do I know... I get kicked around by guys too so...! The things we do for love, eh?? **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Oh sweety, I can tell you are feeling down and a bit irritated at the moment with Sam. That is really good. You should. I guess when I read about you and Sam I get frustrated with him. I don't know if that's totally fair. I think he is giving you all he can at the moment. But now that he has admitted his love for you, it's true when you say "so what"? It's bloody frustrating. Because even though you both love each other, you both love 2 other people too. So it is a problem for all four of you. And I am not quite sure what the solution would be.And what would make you feel better. Because I think you are like me. It's almost like it's never ever enough. We want more and more-right? And we give so much of ourselves, that we get irritated that we don't get the same back. Are you with me? Gosh, I hope I am not making you miserable now. I just want you to know that I can relate to how you are feeling, and that I am thinking of you, and I wish I could say something that would make you feel good about everything. (Instead I am making you probably feel miserable, so I am going to stop now.)Just hang in there, Sam loves you. he really loves you. And you are lucky to have the love of two wonderful men. And I am sure you want more and more, but understand that men are so different to us. They never ever know what we expect unless we tell them I guess. Feel better please, and have a good week, and be in touch! Love you lots! Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I hope you guys are having a really good weekend. Come back already though... xoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

The way I see it, is that you and Sam are learning more and more, about yourselves and each other every day. (I don't know why I just wrote that but that's what I was thinking). Mm. I think maybe I am tired, and dreading work tomorrow and have to go to bed. Now that I have just taken up your entire notes section moaning about myself... sorry. I hope you guys enjoy Vegas. Looking forward to your next update! And I totally agree with Sweetcynic, about Sam and you and the pleasure thing.I promise to write to you when I am thinking more straigh than I am now. xoxo Kathy

from phangasm :

I think I see where Sam is coming from, it's a way of rationalizing. If you look at it that way, you can see yourself as a masseusse or something.

from sweet-cynic :

here's a shot in the dark, maybe when you give pleasure to someone there is still a slight emotional barrier.. whereas when you receive, you're REALLY letting them in.. you let yourself relax and be vulnerable enough to feel pleasure... you're not in control. maybe?

from adulterous-k :

Yes - strangely I can remember feeling something like Sam seems to. It was the desire to give pleasure to Jo, but the feeling that if I received pleasure in that way I was asking too much of her. (are you sure Sam sees it as a violation of his marriage?)

from adulterous-k :

in our hearts - NO. In reality this doesn't seem that much different..

from maliger :

How am I you ask? It's a bittersweet reunion. Thus the erotic love poetry if you read deep. ;)

from x-plicity :

After a while it does seem like selfishness. What can we do about it, though? Question...did you see Abe's comment on my notes page? I just want to SCREAM!!!

from lifeasme66 :

You hit the nail on the head with this: "no matter how much we love someone, we are all still selfish to a degree." That is SO true. Hope you have a great day! **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

We love your rambling first of all. I keep thinking the same thing. Give up the excitement, the feelings etc and I can't even compare myself to the extent of you and Sam, but I feel selfish. And it's hard. And I can't. So I am not sure that I could do that. Even if it was the right thing for the love of my life. It doesn't make me love any less. I am just not that strong. I know I would never be able to. I would keep thinking that you only live once so live life to the fullest. Selfish maybe? Nast maybe? Horrible maybe? But thats me... Take care of yourself and have a good week ahead! xxoxoxo Kathy

from avalonte :

Haha! I love how you liken being a mistress to being a grandparent! You're so right! All of the fun, none of the mundanities, and you can hand them back!! Lol!

from onlyuandme :

hi, I just stumbled over your diary, and I would like to read more. thanks, :)

from sweet-cynic :

hehe. glad you two worked together :)

from krugerpak007 :

I want to learn about phone sex. Why have a never had phone sex before. Ok, you and me need to meet, I need some instructions....I am glad you had such a good day, and that things are going so well. I love hearing you sound so high and happy! xoxox Kathy

from lifeasme66 :

Wow, hon! I'm just happy that you're happy! =) **HUGS!!**

from x-plicity :

Happy to return the favor, Sweetie.

from adulterous-k :

Very astute, thank you. She has been talking this week about saying these things and hoping that I will have the 'brainstorm' that makes me realise I have to be with her. That I don't get to what she's hoping for doesn't mean I love her less.

from x-plicity :

I'm worried about you, PT. Your friendship with Sam is wonderful, but it might be keeping you from dealing with the other problems in your life. Sam is almost like a bandaid in a way. He makes you feel good when you need him to, but it doesn't help you in the long run. Have you ever thought about going to couseling? Anyway, hope you start feeling better soon. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

Having identified the "muck" is great. At least you know the cause of your dejectedness lately. Can you do anything about it? Glad you had that intimate session with Sam. He does for you exactly what Dennis does for me-provides an escape. Am I right?

from x-plicity :

Naughty, naughty girl!!!! *wink*

from krugerpak007 :

Gosh that sounds like just what the doctor ordered! Glad you had an awsome time, and that you are smiling again. I like it when you are feeling happy and when things are good with Sam. Because when they are not, it screws up all the areas of life I guess. Amazing how they can have such an effect on us. And amazing how different we are to men. I am not making sense... Just wanted to also thank you for your notes, and making me feel "normal". Because I don't know myself anymore... Love, Kathy

from iwanttotell :

Problems don't come in sizes, if you ask me. If it concerns you and/or is close to your heart, then it's huge to you. I hope you don't mind my saying so, but you do seem like you're accepting less than you want. The passion seems to be gone from your entries lately. Perhaps my idea about perspective won't work for you. Hugs

from x-plicity :

Don't worry, Sweetie, I always keep my lips zipped. *grin* As far as the Medium stuff...sometimes it's better that way. At least for a while. *hugs*

from floaty-ana :

hey hun, can i have ur password again pweeeze coz im on a diff computer now and i deleted the note with your pass in or something! i hope your ok anyway xxx

from krugerpak007 :

I have still been so self absorbed I have been neglecting everyone. Sorry. On one hand it seems like you are ok, and happy and accepting things the way they are, on the other you still seem a bit sad? I hope anyway that the weekend goes by quickly for you, I know you are just like me when it comes to weekends....Only 1 more day, hang in there. And I hope you have a good week, and that you are really happy! xoxox Kathy

from maliger :

I broke her trust in a horrible moment I wish I could undo. If I were to tell more it would be breaking it again.

from x-plicity :

I'm sorry that things are so shitty. I am glad that you are able to handle things so well. I'm very proud of you. By the way, being catholic and all, I totally understand the guilt thing. lol

from krugerpak007 :

Sorry about the financial worries etc. It seems like its the story of our lives. Unfortunately everything revolves around money. That poem: beautiful. Made me start crying...I am so damn weepy these days. But it was beautiful. He is lucky to have you. Have a good weekend. xoxox Kathy

from floaty-ana :

i have been talking to him all day on msn. he sounds happy with her, im happy for him if he's happy, he is desparate to stay friends but i dont think i can. he is comming to see me on saturday afternoon so hopefully he will remember why he loves me! i dont want to get my hopes up, but i think i am comming to terms with being single. i think. that will all change when i see him i know it will. but he says he doesnt love me anymmore and i will just have to accept it. i wish you couldve seen the emails. they were awful to read, i asked him when he planned on telling me. he just said he didnt no. but he hasnt done anything wrong coz we werent together. im going to find my bar guy t nite! and forget him. i love gettin your notes, thankyou

from adulterous-k :

Very kind - very helpful, thanks. xx

from redspitfire :

You're a cool chick. Did you get my yahoo im?

from adulterous-k :

Any tips?

from sweet-cynic :

you know, i agree with you on "bad missing" and "good missing".. bad missing you're pessimistic about the outcome.. and good missing you're happy that you're missing him.. you're happy for all the reasons why you miss him. glad you're having more good days with sam :)

from x-plicity :

AWWW how sweet!!!!

from krugerpak007 :

I agree with X and Avalonte too. They just always manage to put in to words, what I think. Sam is a sweety and you will always love him. I don't know what else to say. I am feeling so blue today. I just want to weep. I don't even know why. I do know why. I am doing stupid things. Anyway sorry again to rant on your notes section. Maybe i should go and weep over an entry of mine. Take care honey. Please be in touch. Please. xoxox Kathy

from x-plicity :

I'm so proud of you!!!! What you have accomplished is very hard for most people. Hopefully things stay this way. *happy hugs*

from avalonte :

That does make sense. It's a shame in some ways that the obsessive excitement has tailed off, but it's inevitable. I guess you've just settled into the way things are. It's great really, because as fun and addictive that excitement is, it's also very tiring and all-consuming! I hope it means you will be happy and a little more relaxed! xx

from krugerpak007 :

Yey. Wow. What an entry. Thats amazing that you are feeling like this. It's good, it's good. Whats not good is I miss you when you don't write. But if it's a choice between the 2, I choose for you to be happy and content. It's the most difficult thing to love two men. It's a strain, it's hard, and I definitely don't think it is done on purpose. It happens. I am rambling. Ignore me and carry on feeling good. xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I missed you. (I was away, but I missed you)Actually I think that maybe you and Sam are overreacting? I mean firstly, you were tipsy, and he had also been drinking? Maybe everything was just misunderstood, because I don't think you guys did anything out of the ordinary. The 4 of you always do everything together so it shouldn't be a shock for both of them to find you together, especially when they knew? Well, I am trying to think positively....have a super weekend. Feel good. NO drinking this weekend. Take it easy and spoil John... xoxox Kathy

from iwanttotell :

Heh. Heh. My face is red! I'm not quite myself today. I couldn't figure how if that was true (that K called you secondlove) you & Sam got out unscathed. Just pretend I don't exist today-my mind is so elsewhere!

from sweet-cynic :

yikes. just be more careful from now till john and k's uneasiness fades out. i doubt they figured anything out.. just probably struck them as odd.

from iwanttotell :

OH. MY. GOD. Kathy referred to you as Secondlove? Is it possible that Sam heard her wrong? Is it possible that John was just unhappy because of the misunderstanding? And your drinking? Yes, it's time like these that we realize how much we're risking. Good luck squeaking out of this one. Hugs

from x-plicity :

a certain "someone" updated his profile...

from avalonte :

Big ooops!! But it was inevitable something like this would happen at some point. I hope it passes smoothly and without causing any long term damage to any of your relationships! *hugs*

from x-plicity :

Yeah, that was kind of dangerous...glad nothing "serious" happened. Sorry about feeling so pukey. The best thing to do, believe it or not, is to drink pedialite. It's a little something I learned from fellow musicians. It really does work.

from floaty-ana :

hey thanx for your note hun, i promise i'll g to the doctors as soon as i get home. i refuse to pay 25 quid for an appointment here when i can get it free at home! you sound much better lately. fingers crossed for you.

from x-plicity :

I'm soooo glad you are doing good today. I was really starting to worry there for a bit. You seemed very detached...I'm just glad you are back to your sweet self. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

You GO girl!

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, you sent that to him. I can imagine how he must have loved it. I am so glad that you are feeling so positive and happy go lucky. It's wonderful! Maybe it is the hormones? Well, it doesn't matter what it is, you are feeling good and thats what counts! Enjoy today! xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Amen. What a lovely entry. Hang in there honey and take care! We are crazy about you! xoxo Kathy

from x-plicity :

I'm so sorry you've been going through so much stress. I'm glad Sam was there to cheer you up. Take care, Hon, and remember to step back from your duties for a while. Don't worry you'll get everything done, but that's only if you are taking care of yourself. *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

I am so sorry to hear about that 14 year old boy. It makes me think that life is so short, and that we should go out and follow our hearts! I am really sorry.I am glad that Sam has been attentive and sweet. At least he is always there when you do trully need him. I feel bad for T too. And then I feel all guilty and awful. I hope you are doing ok, and that the week will be a good one, filled with just happy, good, exciting things. Take care! xoxo Kathy

from andrya-02 :

Hey I would love to read your diary, so I was wondering if it would be possible to get the password. You can either leave me a note, or email it to [email protected] Thanks! -Andrya

from iwanttotell :

Progress, sweet progress! Time can be a wonderful healer, can't it?

from krugerpak007 :

I am so irritated with men today, that my blood is boiling. We always worry, think, kill ourselves over them, and they take everything so f'ing easily. I am so so tired of their nonsense. I need a girls night out..To get out and party and drink and forget about them!O hope you have a good week ahead! xoxo Kathy

from im2evil4u :

Hey, thanks for the plug. Love ya!

from x-plicity :

I hope I'm not pissing off Sam. He is such a sweetie!! I'm just a little bitter about the "Abe thing" and I guess it shows in my e-mails to him. Please assure him that it's not because of anything you have written that I write the things that I do. I just know what it's like to be hurt in your situation and I don't want that happening to you.

from krugerpak007 :

Sometimes I want to knock some sense in to dear Sam! Try enjoy your weekend..What about some shopping to get your mind off everything for a while? xoxox Kathy

from floaty-ana :

i feel better today thankyou. i think its coz i no i definatly want to go home. and i will be near dave. wheather we r together or not we r still friends. i really hope i can go to uni this year, i no if i have to wait a year something will come up. just like it did this year...we shall see.

from iwanttotell :

It seems to me like Sam is doing the best he can (not that you're not) and he doesn't quite understand where your feelings come from. In your email to him, you made an excellent point about the difference in need and desire. I hope he paid close attention to that one. Is it possible that he's either trying too hard or too worried to actually enjoy your time together? You, on the other hand, manage to be relaxed and get enjoyment from just being with him. It's clear that you've always given more of yourself to him than he gives to you. I'd be interested in wondering where John is through all of this? Doesn't he notice your mood? The bottom line is, sooner or later, you have to make a choice to either accept the Sam situation for what it is or pull back. I know that sounds cold, and that's the last thing I would want to do, truly, but you're really hurting, and you know you can't continue like this. Hugs

from lifeasme66 :

Thanks for the info! And don't worry, your note? What note? ;) **HUGS!!**

from lostinmylove :

Not to be repetative, but just wanted to make sure you had considered: how about take all the energy you normally reserve for the jerk and put it back where it belongs - to your husband? Just my suggestion. Hang in there.

from x-plicity :

Sam can be very cruel sometimes. I think he does it protect himself though. Use this time to rediscover yourself and try to catch up with the things you may have been neglecting lately. I can almost guarantee that the time will be short. The cycle will start all over again.

from lifeasme66 :

Hiya! Just wanted to say thanks for visiting and for adding me to your faves list! **HUGS!!**

from krugerpak007 :

Gosh, I don't believe that. I don't believe that he only saw you to make YOU happy. Thats not true at all. You'll see. Give him time, but you will see. He will miss you and he will be begging to see you.

from floaty-ana :

i think you were right to send the email. guys suck. really they do. just wish i didnt need him so badly...

from x-plicity :

Sweetie, you did the right thing in sending him that e-mail. He might be pissed, but at least he knows what's going on. You were direct and honest, now it's up to him. I wish I could be there for you right now. This shit is never easy, and it's harder when you know you are all alone. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

You do not suck. Maybe I can offer a little advice from a time when things were hotter and heavier with Dennis. The key for me was keeping perspective-know what you can and can't expect from the relationship and keep it in mind at all times. Perhaps if you feel you can't accept less than what you really want, it may be time to end it or pull back some. I'm saying this as a friend and hope I don't offend you. Hugs

from x-plicity :

Take deep breaths...I wish I could tell you something that would make everything better, but I'm afraid that's as good as it gets. You just have to remember to breathe. *hugs* Here for you.

from krugerpak007 :

We are 9 hours apart. You are 9 hours behind me. So if its 4:26pm here its 7:26am at you... xoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Shit, I just took up your entire notes page. Sorry! xoxox

from krugerpak007 :

Gosh so many writing mistakes in that last note..Anyway I wanted to tell you that the way I read my diaries is the unlocked ones first and then I move on to the locked ones, and the last couple of days I find myself sometimes suddenly forgetting you and then coming back later in the day and realising. Sorry, it is not personal. I read you everyday...Right, back to the subject on hand, Mr. Sam. I hate it when you feel like this. I hate to see you down. I hate to see you sad. I hate it that one person can make or break our day. Or our lives for that matter. But thats love I guess. I wish I had something original, or hell, not even original, something helpful to say, something that could change the situation. But I am sorry. I don't. This is the situation. Thats why it is an affair.We don't set out initially to hurt others or ourselves. We don't. But it happens. I know that you and Sam will work through this. And it will be sorted out. Until the next time he has one of his "crises". Just hold on to the happy times. The love. The good times. You will get through this. God, I wish you were here. I am surrounded by crazy people in this country and need someone who can relate to me to be around. Do you ever feel like you are the only normal person around? Anyway enough about me. You know I am here for you right? Are you on EST? Sorry I am clueless with the US time zones. I am 7 hours behind EST. lets try catch each other on the weekend, and have a chat! Hugs! Kathy

from x-plicity :

Oh, sweetie! You must be going through hell right now. I'm here if you need me. *hugs* x

from iwanttotell :

I agree wholeheartedly with Kathy. She put it so well that I have nothing to add, except you're in MY thoughts too! Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

I hope you feel better. This whole life style I guess is like a roller coaster ride, especially with Sam. He finds it hard to live with his guilt, but is finding it harder and harder to stay away from you. Sweetie I hope you feel good, and thatyou do see Sam and enjoy yourselves. Have fun, laugh and be happy, but try not tonhurt, try hold on to the good things. It's not worth it when the hurting and worrying becomes more than the loving and happiness. Take care and I hope we manage to catch each other online soon! xoxoxo Kathy

from x-plicity :

Just a bit of a warning. You are going to go though this "acceptance" stage a lot. You'll feel like you have everything under control and then your resolve will falter and you will start the cycle all over again. There is a reason why Adultery is in the ten commandments. It totally destroys people. You just have to be willing to love somone enough to lose yourself. It sounds terrible, I know, it's up to you if you think it's worth it. I always thought it was and I would never take it back. *hugs* X

from floaty-ana :

he is crazy. he obviously hasnt realised how much u are putting at risk for him and what a lovely person you are. so in my book sam definatley has a screw loose! thankyou for your note! they always cheer me up. :)

from x-plicity :

It seems to me that he's becoming very attached to you and is trying to convince not only you, but himself, that isn't the case. I call it the "how can I be in love with two people" syndrome. I know, becasue I was exactly like Sam in the beginning.

from sweet-cynic :

he's truly a puzzling person. i don't know what to tell you except maybe see if there could be a couple of 'tests' u could put him through that will show his level of committment to you. if he's just stringing you along for the perks of having a hot number like you hot for him.. and stroking his ego.. or if he truly truly truly cares for you. selflessly cares for you.

from x-plicity :

That sums it up nicely. *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

hello sweety. Just wanted to wish you a good, good, good week ahead! I hope you are feeling better and that those hormones are starting to kick in! xoxox Kathy

from floaty-ana :

i no i shouldnt talk like this. i no he isnt worth it. i lovehim so much. but life is just becoming too much. its not just him its everything. its becoming to much of a weight to bear. i am screaming at my family for help. its falling on deaf ears.they think its just because i need time to adjust to living here n shit, but its not. its not anything but its everything all at once. im sorry for being such a downer. thankyou for caring.

from x-plicity :

I don't know if I would take him back. He's caused me so much pain, and yet there is that part of me that will always be madly in love with him. I really don't know what I would do.

from krugerpak007 :

Faschion, clothes, shopping, hair? Sounds like a man after my own heart. And it's not fair that you tease us like that, I want to see the photos dammit! :-) Have a good Sunday honey! xoxox

from krugerpak007 :

Glad to hear you sounding cheerful and happy. I feel so bad for T. Gosh, I can't believe that the "other woman" is staying in their bloody driveway. Poor T, she must be going through hell. Thank goodness she has you to listen to her and be there for her. Anyway honey, have a good weekend. (What did you buy with the certificate??) xoxo Kathy

from floaty-ana :

hehe thats tonight hun! and the skinniness- all camera tricks darlin! i hope you are ok. u seem to have so much thrown at you at the moment. *hugs* p.s its not till mora (ma b'day) hehe so u can say it again then lol.

from iwanttotell :

Sheesh, when it rains, it pours, huh? You do seem to be handling the pressure well. You're really 'on' right now. It's wonderful that you're on good terms with the ex and his wife-what a difference that makes. I feel for T too, but with your support, she's a lot better off than you were when he was doing it to you. Have a good weekend. Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Hopefully when you start with the birth control you will start feeling better, and get out of feeling so down. Shame sweety! How nice of Sam to remember your "anniversary." Wow, its a year already! Anyway I hope you feel better, and that you have a good weekend. Keep in touch! xoxox

from x-plicity :

I hope things calm down for you a bit. The whole menstrual thing doesn't help either. *big hugs*

from floaty-ana :

haha dont worry i have done after about 5 hours of convincing! just on my way to meet them now...she wreakons we r only goin for a few but she says that every friday....*mmmmm* alcohol!

from floaty-ana :

:) thankyou xxx

from wilberteets :

I love that DVR already!! I've already taped Dr. Phil and Oprah. I guess I can go back to work now that I don't have to miss Dr. Phil anymore.

from im2evil4u :

Re: "Holy Crap!!" Yes, I thought that as well, then realized that I should count my lucky stars that he didn't.

from iwanttotell :

I saw a commercial last night for a bc pill. Their website is thepill.com. The only reason I mention it is because I figure they'll probably have info on there about using bc to control a woman's cycle. Maybe you could get Sam to take a look to set his mind at ease as to John's possible suspicions. BTW-Happy Anniversary! Hugs

from iwanttotell :

Tsk,tsk,tsk. Men will never understand our moods. What's worse is it's certainly not a walk in the park for us-feeling like we're on the outside, looking in on ourselves, wondering why we're acting like that. Feel better. Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Awwww. Hope you feel better sweetie. Thats all you need, that damn appointment on top of everything. Anyway hopefully it will go fine, and you can come home and rest and relax? Take care xoxoxox

from x-plicity :

Hope you feel better.*hugs*

from x-plicity :

Yeah...it goes in circles until you're so dizzy you want to puke. Makes you want to fast forward just so that you can see the outcome. The truth is that you may feel that your life will end without him but in reality seperation is a lot easier then you think. I know that you love him and he loves you, but also think about all of the hurt you both are experiencing. If it's worth it, keep your chin up and enjoy the time that you do have with each other.

from krugerpak007 :

Sometimes I feel like just hitting him on the head with something hard. (Sam that is). Is today your appointment? Ughh, good luck. I hope you have a good Wednesday anyhow dear. xoxox

from wilberteets :

Hi there! Thanks for your nice notes and stuff. Now I have a friend whose diary I can't read. Wanna drop me a pw? :-)

from adulterous-k :

You've had some recent sound advice (so you probably don't need mine..) but going with it, and letting him know exactly how you feel and not hoping that he'll understand are key to it. Remember he feels just as uncertain(maybe more!) about this as you do. He worries that your reactions are to do with deciding not to do this any more. But chances are - judging by his previous history he may just be having a 'taking stock' period. And remember - this is adultery: it can't be perfect.

from iwanttotell :

Aaah, I think all of life is cycles, some larger, some smaller. Hopefully we progress a little each time we find ourselves repeating the cycle. You've learned to anticipate the bad times and figuratively batten down the hatches for the rough seas, right? I guess it might help to focus on the bright new horizon. So full of (it) metaphors today, aren't I? Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

You and sam will definitely find the time to see each other, don't you worry about that. Don't analyse everything he says. I think you should just take him as it comes. You know him, he can be full of crap, just listen and let it pass. Then you won't worry so much I think! Thanks for your message on MSN. It was nice to get here this morning after my wonderful ultrasound and see it. Take care honey and hope to catch you sooooooooon! xoxox

from floaty-ana :

haha thanx! that was written befor my breakfast/lunch/dinner of sweets!. well if you ever need a nanny....! im taking my camera in tommorow so there should be some pic's of my lovely summer class up soon!. i hope sam realises how lucky he is to have you. you seem so lovely!

from avalonte :

Good luck for Wednesday! Shame those fingers won't be giving you as much pleasure! ;)

from x-plicity :

Yeah...I saw that coming a mile away. Sorry that things seem so shitty right now. You guys will make up and it will start all over again. You should start being totally honest with him. Tell him what's on your mind the minute you think about it. Be gentle, be sincere, but be strong. He probably thinks you don't want to spend time with him. You know how that goes. Take a deep breath. *hugs*

from maliger :

He is extemely likely to be "all pumped up" if you come on to him in an unexpected, and thus excitingly dangerous but not too dangerous, place and time. That is one of the tricks my girlfriend has used on me to my pleasure. Otherwise things get monotonous and the passion might die :( ... on another note, some people like me feel that their female spouses should have the dream job as much as ourselves, and shouldn't have to work at the monotonous labors at home or at work.

from krugerpak007 :

Thanks. Even though my birthday was a week ago I am still concerning myself with all this crap. I am glad this whole thing is just canceled. God knows I hate birthdays-I always end up feeling sad and depressed for weeks after my birthday. Anyway I hope your Sunday is going well. I am glad you are focusing on John too. Enjoy and enjoy tomorrow of course. xoxox

from maliger :

And silver is good for psychic powers ;-) Val Kilmer IS cool, just read some of your profile. I currently got a goatee going on, perhaps in reminiscent of that "look" :p

from sweet-cynic :

i agree with kathy - i don't know how you did it.. befriend your first husband's new girl. anyway, what's jon like? i have a clearpicture of sam in my imagination but jon draws up a blank in my mind.

from floaty-ana :

i hate men they are so confusing! i hope you get it sorted soon xxx

from krugerpak007 :

OMG. This man can be pretty weird at the best of times! He makes me laugh sometimes!Thanks for sharing the story about your 1st husband. God, that could not have been easy. I guess I would have done the same in your situation. Well, I hope I would have. To have the strength that you had. To leave him and befriend his girlfriend. You are something! Great about MSN. I hope to catch you onine soon honey! Hope your weekend is going well. xoxox

from x-plicity :

Wow...that is f'd up. Men are soo weird!!!!

from iwanttotell :

Damn! That story sounds all too familiar! You are a class act, though, for how you handled it.

from avalonte :

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like it was fated for failure. I agree that marriage is not the answer to pregnancy!! 2 wrongs do not make a right, and all that! I admire you for becoming friends with T. I understand why you did it and it makes sense, but I could never do that. Do you still see them?

from adulterous-k :

Does Kathy know how much time you two are together? Does John?

from iwanttotell :

Ooh La La-Steamy! Since you've learned to anticipate Sam's moods, I guess it's a little easier for you. This all brings back so many memories of when Dennis & I first started seeing each other. But don't you almost wish Sam would do the 180 Dennis did?

from floaty-ana :

im not sure i dont think so, it happened once or twice when i was 14 right before i went full on ana, but the other memory loss isnt like me, i keep finding myself places and not remembering how i got there..its normal i suppose when it happens once or twice but not at least twice a week! i dunno ne more! *sighs*

from x-plicity :

Things are moving forward, hope your prepared. *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

Why is life so damn complicated? You love him, he loves you. Sam is so complicated too. I mean is only sex cheating? I guess its just how you define it? I love to hear you sounding so happy. I just hate it though when he starts acting in one of "those" moods and you feel hurt and unsure. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things perfect for the 2 of you. Hang in there sweetie, and enjoy, but I don't like to see you hurting! xoxox

from iwanttotell :

Ooooh I'm a little nervous for you now. Sam does need to be prepared with how he will react/what he will say if and when Kathy confronts him. Is honesty the best policy? Who knows! If he continues to suspect that she knows, he's going to get worse & worse, and it's not going to be good for you either. I don't envy you this situation. Hang in there and keep us updated! Hugs

from floaty-ana :

i thought we had come toghether. he says he still loves me. but he dont want me.fuck who can blame him i cant even hold a coherent conversation thesedays. thanx for your note ur lovely!

from maliger :

dude(ette) it just hit me like the freeway wall. Your relationship is just like Anais Nin and Henry Miller. Forgive my spelling and association, but you've got that whole dramatic romance going on, this is no ordinary love. Read their writings that came out of their relationship if you like wild stuff. It is probably fate's hand at work giving you the interesting life you deserve. I've been there, and she's a fan of theirs or I wouldn't have known about those novelists.

from floaty-ana :

oh my god your notes always make me laugh so much. thank you! thank you! thank you!. id kill it if i had the guts and if i knew where it was, my uncle said you shouldnt because then they leave eggs or something but the cleaner is comming tommorow, so if i sit at the computer table till dawn i'll be ok! at least she isnt scared of them!. also i have no where else to go,she is buying a house with room for me bit its not the same. id rather move somewhere on my own than live in a small house with her! ugh i give up today has gone from bad to worse!

from floaty-ana :

hey. i dunno i think maybe i do better in a way because its little binges and purges here and there. but here because i have to wait so long i go over the top. 6 today so far. i think maybe im a bit crazy or some thing. thanx for being so lovely!

from avalonte :

Isn't it funny how it's the simple things (like eating yoghurt in a car park!!) that are often the most special!

from krugerpak007 :

Just caught up now with all those entries. Wow. Hot man! And I must say that I am jealous. I miss excitement. I am so bored....I am glad that you are feeling good, that you had a good time, and that you and Sam are doing so good. And I am embarrssed to say that I never knew about the shower thing. Which makes me wonder how much I am missing. And all the other things I have missed. I think we need to talk. SOON! xoxox Kathy

from x-plicity :

I need one of those!!!!

from floaty-ana :

thanx for your note hun, im trying i promise, david is trying his hardest to help me in his own way. i think maybe i need to go home. september is so far away. *sigs* thankyou though, you made me feel a little better.

from iwanttotell :

Wow, so much to say after reading those three entries! The trip, excluding the irritable periods, sounds magical. And yes, I'd be willing to bet that you both wished the same wishes. The sexual tension must have been something else! As for the shower massage, I can say I've never tried that, but you can bet I will my very next opportunity! You are incredibly fortunate that John is so open-minded about you and Sam. Glad you enjoyed the trip.

from krugerpak007 :

I hope you guys have a good, safe trip down sweety. I will certainly miss you this weekend! Take care and enjoy! I want an update ASAP. xoxo Kathy

from lostinmylove :

Thanks for thinking of me. It has been a REALLY hard week. NEVER let your dr. prescribe that to you no matter what. I would never wish this on anyone. As for your trip this weekend, I hope you have a good time - though I wish it was just you and your husband going. But you know my thoughts there. Take care, I hope things go well for you. Keep in touch.

from iwanttotell :

You are going to have a great time. The anticipation alone seems to be doing a lot for you. Just remember (not to be a wet blanket) that one set of eyes matters an awful lot! Looking forward to lots of details. Hugs

from wilberteets :

Thank you. :-)

from adulterous-k :

Newcastle Brown Ale? From my home town?

from xperi-mental :

Sounds like everything is going well, I'm happy for you.

from maliger :

Now for this entry you have... it makes me think of my own relations with "the one", who happens to have her heart split too. Maybe I should be the one to make the move to get back into romance. What am I saying, it's been two years of breakups and gettogethers how could I even now avoid her? I wonder if she will think of me with affection or with grudges. It's a gamble, and I'm an addicted gambler.

from xperi-mental :

Your note made me burst into tears. You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. Unfortuantely, I do have to say that it wasn't about the kids. He still loves her and has 10 years of his life invested in her. That's what he told me. You also have to understand that he spent more time working on their relationship then he did on ours. It's good that he's gone. I don't think I could stand the heartache anymore.

from krugerpak007 :

That entry made me laugh. Your happiness is so "felt" and very contageous. I am happy you are happy! xoxo Kathy

from maliger :

And by your latest entry you could be moving very close to me, perhaps two hour drive... or you could already be my neighbor lol. Check out my messageboard if you want to chat. http://dramaartwriting.proboards24.com

from maliger :

Yes, underneath that cool exterior when one reads the inner diary they find you sweet. lol :p

from xperi-mental :

No, it's over between me and Abe. He went back to his wife.

from maliger :

I forgot to say thanks for adding me, I've added you now, please email me the password [email protected], and there's ways of ordering your entries right by changing the html url. minstrelite knows more html than I do, you might ask him.

from maliger :

There is no "n" in my nickname. A common misconception. It could be derived from "Malus" meaning "mast" in Greek, and "Gero" meaning "to bear" in Greek, forgive my spelling of the roots if I don't remember, lol. A rockfish that I share a name with. Rock on!

from sweet-cynic :

that was rather sweet of him.. in a bittersweet kind of way.

from xperi-mental :

That's tough to deal with. *hugs*

from wilberteets :

Thanks for the kind note. :-)

from adulterous-k :

Just because - don't question it! Did Sam get that mail I sent on your birthday?

from adulterous-k :

Oh dear - did I shock you? And - of course we're interested! Because we care.

from iwanttotell :

Glad you were able to get away. That's always a good thing :) Sam really missed you-has he done a 180 or what! Good for both of you! Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Great that you had a good weekend, and that you are smiling. Have a good week! xoxo

from krugerpak007 :

Glad to hear you back to your normal self. Hope the weekend away did you some good. Miss you. xoxo

from xperi-mental :

I'm so glad things went well!!! Naught girl!!!! Scandalous!

from iwanttotell :

Welcome Back! You really weren't yourself for a few days, but that's a woman thing! I'm glad and relieved that your b-day was so nice. Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

So it was a perfect day afterall. I am so happy for you...Glad you had a good day sweety. I sent you e-mail to your diaryland address, I hope you received it. Take care@ xoxox Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

happy birthday, darling. maybe lunch will be okay afterall? let us know..

from switchcraft :

Happy Birthday!

from xperi-mental :

Happy Birthday, Hon!! Things will turn out ok...I hope.

from adulterous-k :

hmm - pre-judging? I think lunch should be OK..

from iwanttotell :

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope it's better than you expect. Hugs

from adulterous-k :

Happy birthday. I gave him a little steer - hope it helps! He is trying though. Give him credit for making the effort even if it's misplaced at the moment. We'll get him there. xx

from krugerpak007 :

Wishing you a very very Happy Birthday and many many more. I hope the men in your life show you how much you are appreciated, and I hope everything goes your way today, and always. Best wishes, xoxox Kathy

from iwanttotell :

I don't know either. They SEEM to listen, SEEM to understand and then they do it again. I used to think it was me-that I didn't communicate clearly. I guess the key is that if we really love each other, we try harder and try to shrug off what we don't get, huh? Maybe that's why our parents told us "relationships take a LOT of constant hard work". Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Men. Whycan't we live with or without them. Do they not understnad the way we think. Obviously not. I really think sometimes that they are from another planet. We take things and analyse and analyse them. We break apart each sentence and linger on every word. They just dont understand. Am I making any sense? Take care sweety. Have patience. And be happy. The minute you begin hurting more than been happy then its not good for you. xoxoKathy

from adulterous-k :

Don't get me wrong! I think your entry today was an absolutely wonderful explanation and rang so true. I've marked it as a favourite to come back to lest I lose sight of the truth. Thanks xx

from iwanttotell :

You and Kevin have done a wonderful job of putting all the feelings of an adulterous man and woman into words. We may have a breakthrough here, even bigger than Mars & Venus! I like the way you explained why our feelings change so frequently. Thank You. Hugs

from adulterous-k :

Thanks for the letter! Remember a month or two back I said I had got tu understand what Jo was feeling? What you wrote today pretty well summarises what I'd understood. And you and xperimental told me not to tell her! That women don't want to be told what they're thinking!!

from krugerpak007 :

Let's make a "screw birthdays club"? Or lets just all get together and celebrate. Mine is also in 2 weeks and I am so dreading it. i want it to just go away. I know what you mean. It comes and it is just an ordinary day, even though in your mind you always sort of work towards that day. And all in all it is always a bit of an anti-climax. because all in all it is an ordinary day. Ok, don't know if I am making much sense. I hope that you get spoiled a lot this year honey. And that it is even more than what you expect. Much more. xoxo Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

i relate to you about your birthday. i'm turning 21 exactly a week after your birthday and i'm feeling rather down about it too. i'm throwing doug a party for his birthday on the 23rd... 5 days before mine .. and my birthdya wont be as celebrated and it just puts things into relative perspective. making a big spectacle out of his birthday and my birthday is going to be like any other day.

from krugerpak007 :

I have been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I am only catching up with you now. I am glad Kevin is taking Sam under his wing...I think that Sam needed that. Anyway I am thinking of you. Keep us updated, and cheer up. xoxo K

from floaty-ana :

sure thing its done now. thanx xxx

from floaty-ana :

hey thanx for adding me to your favorites...can i have ur pass word please so i can no a lil bout the person thats added me :)

from adulterous-k :

OK - I wrote to Sam since he'd written me four times. Not sure what he wanted really but I hope I did you no damage! In summary I think he's as confused as I am sometimes by the way you girls think!!

from xperi-mental :

I see you have found the beauty that is Juddhole. *grin* I'm worried about you, hon. I remember a time when I was thinking along those same lines. I should just walk away. Break complete contact. Ignore the feelings. After a while it drives you into such a state that you don't know what's up or down anymore. It's a bad place to be. If you need anyone to talk to send me an e-mail. We can even IM if you want. Just so you can get some of these thoughts straighted out. *hugs*

from juddhole :

Would love to take a peek. Can you send me the login stuff-o? [email protected] will find me with mad, MAD love. Gracci.

from sweet-cynic :

you know you have the same birthday as doug. pointless fact.

from iwanttotell :

Men! Sometimes you've got to wonder if they're worth it. Maybe only briefly, but it would be nice to be able to put them in 'time out' when they're not behaving, wouldn't it? Hugs

from xperi-mental :

*hugs*

from avalonte :

Hey madam president! Yeah, it's amazing how men seem to think they can do whatever they want, but so long as they don't actually stick their dick inside you that they're not having an affair!!! That's like believing you can't get pregnant if you do it standing up!

from xperi-mental :

Yeah...Let's make that a Long Island Ice Tea. *hugs*

from iwanttotell :

You can say that again, Sister!

from xperi-mental :

Ahh, Hon!! I wish we lived closer together so I could stop by and make you tea. Hope today is better.

from krugerpak007 :

So sorry to hear you feeling crap. Lots of hugs and good thoughts coming your way...Kath

from im2evil4u :

Hmmm, sounds like you and I have had similar days. Tuesday, Shitty Tuesday. Oh, wait it is Wednesday now. A toast to a new, and hopefully less-shitty day.

from appellation :

Found a link to your journal from sweet-cynics list of notes. Can I have the password? Pretty pretty please? You can e-mail it to me at [email protected]

from iwanttotell :

I know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder how I managed with my dland friends. It wouldn't do to discuss some of these things with people in our lives, but we all understand each other here. Nice, isn't it? Hugs

from xperi-mental :

I have no idea where he is. I was going to ask you the same question. Didn't he say he was going to Switzerland or something? Actually, I think he already did that...

from xperi-mental :

We all appreciate you too!

from im2evil4u :

LOL, don't worry about it. Just hit the enter key a few times next time. LOL

from im2evil4u :

You killed my notes section. :D

from avalonte :

I'm reading The Lovely Bones at the moment too. Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling so emotional. It's such an impossible situation. *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

I am so upset to hear you have been crying. I know its all so damn hard. To be in love with 2 men. Not the easiest thing in the world. I just want to send good thoughts your way..I am thinking of you, please don't be sad. xoxo Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

and by believe, i meant agree. oops

from sweet-cynic :

i believe with kathy.. beautiful entry. very heart felt. i'm sorry there is nothing i can say to ease your pain.. but i'm thinking of you *huggs* (p.s. thank you for your notes... eye openers)

from xperi-mental :

I would have been jumping all over that man right now. Kudos to you for being a "good girl". *grin*

from krugerpak007 :

Uggh..I don't think my notes help you at alll..but I am thinking of you. That entry was beautiful, and I just want you to be happy. Really happy. With everything. I wish I had a magic wand and that I could make it all work out.xoxo Kathy

from avalonte :

You two have more self-control than is humanly natural! Respect to you!

from sweet-cynic :

whew hew!

from xperi-mental :

Tell me about it!!! Yeah, Abe's the best. I'm just sick of being a target. I guess that's one of the prices I have to pay in order to live my dream. Something I'm more then willing to bear.

from lostinmylove :

Thanks for your thoughts. I hope the weekend goes better than the week has! Times like this just make me want to scream. Hope you have a good weekend.

from xperi-mental :

Oh, Honey! I'm glad you were able to spend some time with him and I'm sorry that it had to end. I wish I could prevent the pain you are going to feel. It is so hard to love somone that much and not completely have them. You'll find that the more time, the closer you become, the harder it will be on your emotions. My thoughts are with you.

from krugerpak007 :

I am sorry to hear about Sam behaving like that again. Thinking of you. xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Mmmmm, now I am very very very curious about that e-mail. Could be very interesting! Anyway I am glad things are back to "normal". Have a good week honey! xoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

*hugs*, *lots of hugs* xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

He sure is complicated....Whew, you need lots of energy to keep up with him and his thoughts...xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I ask myself that same question all the time. Trevor and I have only been married for 2 and a half years, although we lived together for 7. I guess somewhere a long the line, that initial exciting love almost disappears and we become best friends. The excitement wears off and we are left with deep friendship and trying to get by in the world with our families. Thats why people stray I guess. Thats my theory, although I see some people who have been married for years who are still so in love. So I am not sure...Anyway I am glad you had a good time together. xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I hope that you and John have an awsome, and romantic day, at the wedding! Take care! Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

G-d, Sam has major issues sometimes hey? I am so sorry that he was a bit moody. I know its hardest on you...I am not sure what to actually say to you to make you feel better, but I know he is crazy about you, he just has all these issues in his head, and it is not an easy situation for you both, and then it hits you hardest. Love isn't easy I know, especially when there are more people involved. I guess I am not really making any sense, its too early in the morning for me, but I am thinking of you, because I know right now you are hurting. And if you were here I would give you a massive hug, and tell you that you should just ignore him when he gets like this, because otherwise he will drive you mad. Take care sweety. xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Yip, it was that diary that I found after your entry. I feel horrible. So looking foward to hearing about your weekend, and its a long one for you guys too huh? I know how we LOVE weekends-ughh. I am on medication, I just need to be a bit more pedantic and take them more regularly. Enjoy yourselves! xoxo K

from iwanttotell :

Have a great weekend. Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Hello honey..I wanted to wish you a good weekend, a good Friday night out at the game. Just enjoy, and take care! xoxo Kathy

from lostinmylove :

I promise I did get your other point. And I do trust my gut... always. If you read back into my december and Jan entries before I found out about his "fling" on his trip, I knew it was coming a mile away... I just could not prove it. And I totally agree: "Ummmmm shit on me once, shame on you... shit on me TWICE shame on ME!!!" You are totally correct. Don't worry, I got your full point... but I was just reponding to my thoughts on loving two people... you may feel it, but it does NOT make the lying and sneaking around and deceit right. If you want I'll delete your note to keep down your hate mail, etc. (Thats why when I did my entry, I didn't mention your name) Have a GREAT weekend... I get to go have fireworks for my birthday! (July 4th) Take care & Good luck.

from xperi-mental :

He can call a duck a cat, but the duck is still a duck. *grin* Hang in there, Cupcake.

from sweet-cynic :

wow. can we say denial? not you, him.

from xperi-mental :

Did you read my first entry? She was nasty to nice in a matter of moments! The woman must by bipolar!!! Or something. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Now I just have to sit back and see where things go from here.

from iwanttotell :

Love the new template. Hope you got some sleep and are feeling better.

from krugerpak007 :

I like it alot. Get some sleep!!!!Kathy

from avalonte :

I love the new template, it's beautiful.

from adulterous-k :

Work out what you actually want. And if you can live with the consequences. An explosive mixture has to be stirred gently, for fear of blowing everything up

from xperi-mental :

Sam is as a predictable as the sun rising, isn't he? "Reevaluate, take charge; this is the only life you are going to have. Take control of it. Make things the way you want them to be." Those are some things that I used to say to myself. Maybe they'll help you.

from iwanttotell :

It is a rough ride with Sam sometimes, isn't it? But you're in a good position in that you know and anticipate his moods. I think you've hit the nail on the head in saying he's afraid of his own feelings for you. I also think (if you don't mind my saying so) that if you come out and lay your cards on the table, that'll give him another reason to pull back. I think you know that though, huh? Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

I am thinking of you sweety...:-) I wanna give you a massive hug, and I wanna take you out for a massive Horlicks..Don't you love Horlicks? No, screw the Horlicks! Wine. A MASSIVE bootle of red wine! xoxox Kathy

from im2evil4u :

Wait, we went through this already. You sent me the password. Weeks ago, in fact. I have been reading and I am niether shocked or dismayed I just hope that everything works out for you and that you are happy.

from lauracv :

I wandered over here from sweet-cynics guestbook, read your profile, and immediately became intrigued. Could I possibly get a password? Thank you. [email protected]

from sweet-cynic :

thanks for the news flash. i really appreciate it. guess i'm naively holding on to the fact that i KNOW he's not physically cheating on me. he comes home to me everynight and even though we're apart during the day most weekdays, i know she's out of town for the summer so nothing physical is going on. and i'm also holding on to the fact that i don't think he has it in him to actually do it. my opinion of him and his character has dropped but it hasn't dropped that low yet.... anyway, read your last 4 entries and have since added you to my buddylist. as soon as i have unlimited surfing time, i'll come back and read it again. you weren't kidding when you warned me that i'd be surprised what your journal is all about.

from xperi-mental :

This is when the change begins. This is when you have to decide if your marriage is worth keeping. In my case I didn't feel that it was. Things have always been bad for us and it was easier for me to make the transition. It doesn't seem that way with you and your husband. This is going to get really tough for you but we'll be here. *hugs*

from avalonte :

You can love someone with all your heart, but it's not the same as being "in-love" with someone. Sorry you're going through all this pain and confusion.

from krugerpak007 :

I can relate. You love him and you feel guilty about the way you behave. because you DO love him. Just in a different kind of way. You don't want to lose him, he is wonderful but you carry on doing what you are doing. Mmm. Sounds very familiar. I don't have any words there to make youn feel better because I have the same damn problem. I also dont know whats wrong with me. At least we feel the same....:-) Take care honey! Have a good Sunday! Kathy

from sweet-cynic :

Hello there. Thank you for the thoughtful comment and for sharing a snippet of your own experiences. Really helps. I hope no one feels i'm jsut disregarding their advice and their stories.. am just letting it all stew inside for the time being. was also wondering if i could have a peek at your journal. if you leave me a note with the password, i'll make sure to delete it once i get it if email is too much a hassle.

from krugerpak007 :

I can so relate. On one hand the times you spend together are great and you are so close already. On the other hand you are thinking, what can come out of it? Are you destined to both be hurt? Where does it all go to from here? I think, my dear that you should just enjoy all the time together, and what you have for now. Try not to think about it too much, because you can drive yourself crazy. Just take each day at a time, enjoy what you have, enjoy the time, enjoy the excitement and everything that comes with it. xoxox Kathy

from avalonte :

Haha!! Your message made me laugh! Thanks! I needed that. And yes, you'd be right in thinking it's not so much the kissing I was thinking of! ;)

from krugerpak007 :

:=) Yes, do you guys ever sleep? Have a good weekend!:-) Kathy

from adulterous-k :

when do you guys SLEEP?

from iwanttotell :

Wowowowowowow! What restraint you have! Inside the house! All that heat? You are GOOD! Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

Waiting eagerly for the update..:-)

from iwanttotell :

What a roller-coaster ride you've been on! I hope your father is improving. Hugs

from krugerpak007 :

He absolutely adores you...(So do I:-)) I hope you are feeling better. Maybe you needed that cry. To get out all your frustrations and irritation. Take care hon! xoxo Kathy

from adulterous-k :

pt he looks for signs that there's something wrong because he's still incredulous that you can want this so much. Help him with clues like 'I'm in the shop just now...'?

from krugerpak007 :

I hope your dad is doing better. And that you are feeling better. xoxo Kathy

from real-stories :

that's awesome I always thought that married sex would be like the hottest, I really value a sense of attachment- I've only had 2 partners and the first I was with for nearly 4 years before having sex with him, there were some cool writings about that but when I got with my current boyfriend I decided to delete the prior, which I would not have done if my current hadn't discovered my website, which isn't a problem it's kind of fun, actually you'll find one entry written by him, it's just it was kind of sad to delete all the written experiences if for no reason other than to remind me of past good times/mistakes. Hey if your willing to leave your password up on my message board thats awesome, I could delete it although I have very few people ever checking into the notes part :( BOO

from adulterous-k :

Hope your Dad's picked up by now - and do be careful when K's out of town!

from xperi-mental :

Naughty girl!!!! Playing Sam like that is scandalous!!!! I absolutely love reading about it. *grin*

from real-stories :

Hey thanks for listing me. Feel free at any point to leave comments in my guestbook or notes I love hearing from people- advice, questions- it is sort of an obsession- getting people to be able to talk about couple sex freely so that safety and stuff gets out there with it :)

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, you have him wrapped around your little finger!

from avalonte :

Actually, I've just rechecked. Have I got that wrong? Are you from Canada? Maybe that wasn't you with the high res. Do you use 800 x 600? In which case, was it hard for you to see my layout before I changed it? Thanks.

from avalonte :

Thanks for letting me know, hon. But you use 1280x1024, right? I only have about 2 or 3 readers who use that res. So I have to keep the majority sweet. Sorry if that means it's crap for you. Anyway, have a good weekend, hon. x

from krugerpak007 :

Shame sweety, I hope you are feeling a bit better! Yes, I forgot that the weekends are the pits....Glad I am not alone in that department..Anyway I hope you have a good one anyway!! Feel good! Love, Kathy

from xperi-mental :

Sam has improved soooo much!!! I'm so glad that you two are getting on the same page. Things will eventually get easier...or they could get harder. You didn't want to hear that, I know. It just all depends on how much the two of you are willing to accept the situation. The more you see each other the more it's going to hurt when you don't see each other at all. Sometimes it's good to just step away for a while, just to get used to the loneliness. Just a suggestion. Love ya and have a good weekend!

from poplord :

lol...thank you!

from krugerpak007 :

I know its is damn difficult. To want someone so much. It's not an easy situation. It goes from one extreme to another. Your happiest moments, to your saddest moments..There is never an inbetween. It's hard, its hard. Take care sweety. be thankful for what you two have in the meantime, for how far Sam has come, for the love, for the good times. Try cheer up. Love u. Kathy

from xperi-mental :

You might never get caught, but you have to always prepare for the worst. I hope you two never do.

from xperi-mental :

I had met Abe's wife once, and well...she didn't really like me. So I guess a frindship wouldn't have been possible for us, but I was always very curious about her. I found myself wanting to know how Abe and her were like together. I wanted to be her friend because I wanted to be in that part of his life too, but I also knew that wouldn't be possible. One thing to think about though. Keep in mind that she will eventually find out about you two. Would it be easier for her if she was your friend or if you were just an aquaintance? The hurt will definitely be there but would the betrayl be worse if you two were buddy/buddy?

from krugerpak007 :

Mmm, difficult question. To tell you the truth, I never ever wanted to meet Guy's wife. I was consumed with jealousy and never ever even wanted to talk about her, although I had no choice, since he used to maon about her all the time since they were going through a divorce. Now, that they are back together, I think I still would not want to meet her. I would just compare myself to her all the time and think about what she has that I don't that makes him stay with her. I guess this is not at all like your situation since all 4 of you are friends. G-d I am not helping you at all here am I? Ok, enough rambling.I'll leave the professional and our hero to answer-Kev, where are you....?He always knows just what to say. Sorry xoxoxo Kathy

from adulterous-k :

What? You mean Sam reads my rubbish? OK - I'll think about that one overnight.

from iwanttotell :

You sound like you're on Cloud Nine! I'm so pleased for you. Just remember, once you go all the way, you can't go back, but it IS fun!

from xperi-mental :

Abe and I think you and Sam are so sweet!!! Actually you guys become a conversation topic for us on occasion. Abe asks the same question, "Why don't they just fuck already!?" *grin*

from krugerpak007 :

I am crazy about you!

from adulterous-k :

Jings! Another roller-coaster week for you PT?!

from xperi-mental :

Sounds like you had an awesome weekend! Glad to hear it. It's nice when the people I care about are happy! *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

Yeyyy, so glad to see you happy and smiling again. I am glad Sam spoilt you and attended to you today! You certainly deserve it. I hope that your weekend went by ok, and that you have a happy, good week full of action! xoxox Kathy

from xperi-mental :

Maybe he is trying to give you space? I've felt rejected and ignored on so many occasions, I couldn't even count them. What helps me get through that is I try to put myself in his shoes. You know him so well, Sweetie. Why would he not e-mail you? Is he afraid that he'll write something to you that will cause things to go sour? Maybe his wife is home for some reason? Sit back away from your feelings for a second and try to think like a man. For some reason it always helped me to keep sane. Believe it or not, usually my made up reasons were very accurate. He loves you, he would never do something to make you feel slighted. Just remember the circumstances of your relationship and remember that if he could he would be holding you right now.

from krugerpak007 :

Oh honey...please, please try and cheer up. I can relate I guess though. I am also always the one who says sorry, makes sure everyone around me is ok. I was just thinking that every Friday I send the people closest to me messages by phone to wish them a good weekend. And then they reply. Well I have had it. For once why can't I hit on the reply button-RIGHT?!! I promise you that if I was there I would give you a whole lot of attention now to make you feel better..Hope you feel better, and hope the weekend turns out better than what you think. xoxox Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Who would ever think that men can be so moody?I hope your day improved sweety. I hate to see you feeling like that!And I hope you are feeling better! xoxox Kathy

from iwanttotell :

It only gets better, Dear. Hugs

from xperi-mental :

Claim PMS!!! I think he might understand that one.

from xperi-mental :

Not to mention "It's cute that you think I'm listening to you."

from krugerpak007 :

Glad you had a good time. Maybe he will surprise you and behave himself this time...Take care! Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

Enjoy!

from xperi-mental :

You know, I find that I tend to want to throw down Abe all of the time too! I think he feels the same way about me though. *wink* Glad things are going good for you two!

from adulterous-k :

Hey! Maybe Sam snores too!

from krugerpak007 :

I also agree with Kevin's last entry. I think about you guys all the time..Anyway hope you have a good weekend. I know how we hate it usually..:-) Take care honey. Kathy

from xperi-mental :

Sounds like Sam's admittance to his feelings is going to be a real downer for a while. Hang in there, Sweetie! This too will pass.

from avalonte :

Argghhh!! Men! Is life with them ever anything else but a rollercoaster ride?! x

from krugerpak007 :

Aren't men weird sometimes. (No offense). But I just think that sometimes they just totally do not get us. In fact I know they just totally don't get us. Just give him time sweety, you guys will overcome this little thing too. You know Sam. Sometimes he thinks a little too much and then stresses out. Just give him time to come to terms with whats happening, to get used to it, and it will be fine again soon. I know it. You two are crazy about each other. Sam just needs time for each step that you guys take. More time than we are used to. So hang in there and take care! Kathy

from adulterous-k :

Jings! How I emphasis with Sam - This does mean a lot to him. He's frightened you don't REALLY feel as much (but it's just so incredible that you could!) and looks for those little nuances that suggest you either never did, or have started to wane. Be encourage Pt - this emotional insecurity on his part is a good thing as far as his feelings towards you are concerned. It matters!

from xperi-mental :

We will always be here for you! *hugs*

from krugerpak007 :

What would we do without Kev? :-) Take care, I am here for you....

from adulterous-k :

X is right. It's a big step. But it's also just a progression and an expression of what you both feel. - and by that I don't mean to belittle the magnitude of the step nor condone it and say that it is what you should do. Only you know the 'should' of that situation. What I mean (and X is kind of warning you about) is that relationships of this kind have a momentum, and this is the next forward movement. If you continue to move forward then what X warns you of could well follow. The hardest part is the ultimate step she has taken (for good reason!)- and even harder than that is holding back from doing that to prevent pain from your other loved ones, while still maintaing what you have now. My advice (and why take that ?!) would be to wait until well after you're both sure that's right for you. xx

from iwanttotell :

Very well done! It takes a lot of courage to be that honest & open. I don't think you'll regret it.

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, that email was absolutely awsome, no wonder he loved it.. I wish I could write like that, exactly the way that I feel. Keep us updated honey! Take care xoxox Kathy

from iwanttotell :

Oh boy! The defining moment. You both want it, but it will change things. I agree with everybody else-please consider this very carefully before you go through with it. Hugs

from xperi-mental :

Wow...ok...take a deep breath! I was in your very shoes at one point. You know, having "the talk". I think I'm going to have to have more space for this. Read my next entry.

from thecailleach :

I agree. Tell him the truth. Tell him you would be there but you are afraid it is too fast, not just for you but for him, and that you need to seriously talk to him about it and make sure there will be no regrets on either side. Good luck.

from krugerpak007 :

Well, he seems definately ready to take your relationship to the next level. I think you should be very honest with him, but at the same time I think both of you should discuss this and think about it carefully. I think you should both feel ready. Take care sweety..:-) Kathy

from xperi-mental :

You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm glad you had a good weekend! *wink*

from krugerpak007 :

Hey hotty! I was dying all day to read your update but the diaries were down and I couldn't get in for hours... I am glad you had a good time, and I hope you have an awsome time when you get in to "trouble" for what you were wearing. take care and enjoy, and be happy! Kathy

from thecailleach :

I am in! Whoo Hoo! Thank you again and sorry about the frustrating part...

from krugerpak007 :

Enjoy the ride honey! Can't wait to hear about it...Take care! K

from thecailleach :

I still can't get in but thank you.

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, Sam has come such a long way. I know how you feel about weekends, but with Guy out of the picture, it seems like I don't feel like anything anymore :-) Enjoy Monday's ride sweetie...

from iwanttotell :

Wow. I'm glad you handled it well. I know I would've fallen completely apart and babbled and made excuses for why I was there with him, totally putting us more in the spotlight. You've done well, but do be more careful, please.

from adulterous-k :

It can go to whatever level you eel comfortable with. But (for your own happiness) don't lft a level until you're absolutelty sure. Be careful pet - this is important!

from adulterous-k :

..and J?

from krugerpak007 :

Thanks for your notes as usual... It is a pleasure to read how happy you are! Take care! Kathy

from xperi-mental :

I'm soooo happy for you!!!!

from thecailleach :

Not yet... I keep trying though.

from xperi-mental :

Wow...things are going really well for you two. Just be ready for the changes in feelings toward your spouses. That can cause another bout of arguing and misunderstanding. Just be really cautious in your dealings with Sam during those times. It seems he will probably experience them before you.

from krugerpak007 :

It looks like things are heating up in a big way. Just think carefully before you take the next step. Don't let yourself get hurt...Hugs! And thanks for all your notes. Kathy

from thecailleach :

Thank you. Reading other people's journals is enlightening... and familar. I can't get your password to work though.

from im2evil4u :

Funny you meniton that. While I recovered from the adrenaline rush, I suffered with a bout of guilt thinking I had flicked my cigarette in the vacinity earlier and started the damn thing in the first place. There is a good chance I did, but I'll never admit it.

from im2evil4u :

I'm kicking myself in the ass for not coming to my senses earlier. I mean, firemen + a camera = good freaking times. No?

from thecailleach :

I would like a password if you would give one.

from krugerpak007 :

I also agree that it's definately the emotion! I can relate about weekends. I count down the hours to be back at work, busy and in action if you know what I mean. I am so glad things are going so great for you. Be happy, take care and thanks so much for your amazing notes...Hugs! Kathy

from adulterous-k :

Yep - it is the emotion that's the affair, not the sex. And yet the world sees it differently.

from xperi-mental :

I have a question for you. Do you think that Sex will be the next step in your relationship with Sam? And if so, do you think that it will cause your relationship to end? I'm asking because it seems that thigs have suddenly jolted forward for you two and what you describe in your writing is very similar to what happened with Abe and me before we went to that next step. I find myself very worried for you, sweetie.

from avalonte :

Thank you! Yes, you're more than welcome to share my kitties! I'm so happy that things between you and Sam are going so well! Like Kathy, I'm very jealous!! ;) xx

from krugerpak007 :

I am so happy for you...and so totally jealous..

from im2evil4u :

Would you please email me you user name and password? You left the password in a comment weeks ago and it doesn't work. May I come in now?

from krugerpak007 :

Again you put my thoughts in to words. How we need to feel that they care, that they appreciate and that we are not the only ones giving, giving and putting everything at risk. Sam sounds great and that he is really making an effort. I am glad for you! Take care! Kathy

from xperi-mental :

I'm so glad that things are back on track!!! Take care, Sweetie.

from avalonte :

Thank you so much for your kind message at the weekend. I really appreciated it. And I'm soooo happy for you that things are back on track with Sam!!

from krugerpak007 :

I am glad things are on track! xoxo Kathy

from iwanttotell :

Hello. I would be interested in reading your diary. I get the feeling we have a bit in common.

from adulterous-k :

I actually wrote today before I read you. Without access to him I know what he's feeling, even after reading you I don't know what you are! Take it from me - he's only being cautious because he doesn't understand the signals you're giving him. He fears you're about to finish it all and doesn't understand why, doesn't want to be hurt, but also doesn't know how to stop you hurting. In his position (which I am, often) I would be desperately wanting what you have to continue. Why can't it? Yes you fel like the glass is half empty but its half full too! And as for Oprah - take no notice of the media - they just give you a crassly simplified picture of a horribly complex situation!

from xperi-mental :

I understand where you are at right now. You start to forget who you are. It's like you've become someone completely different and the person you once were just kind of died. Just try to find a home with the new you and you might like her a little more. As far as you and Sam go things will be back to normal in no time. They usually do.

from krugerpak007 :

Just catching up now... I am sorry that you have been going through some difficult days. I don't know what to advise you. It is so difficult these predicaments. It is very hard to love two people. And I know most people think we are crazy but you never know or can judge until you go through it. I am sure you two will work things out. For the meantime, just be content that you know he is crazy about you. Where there is a will there is a way. Thinking of you, and behind you all the way! Kathy

from adulterous-k :

He's confused! You're giving him back-off signals!

from avalonte :

I soooooooo know what you're going through! Dave is totally the same! I get all the "friend" shit for a while, then all of a sudden we're back to being an "item" (of sorts!) I never know from one day to another which hat I'm supposed to be wearing!!!!

from adulterous-k :

Thank you. You do say EXACTLY the same things, and yes I've repeatedly heard 'All of this just tells me I'm not enough for you'. But I know she is, would be were it not for the accident of timing. But that's answering the wrong question. Thanks again xx

from adulterous-k :

You know? When I'm reading you I'm thinking 'if I could just figure out what the problem is here I could understand better why Jo goes off on one sometimes!' I'm a man: I know - I don't get it, and I won't! [But I have learnt from you and x-p not to try to tell her what I think I've understood..

from xperi-mental :

Men!!!! *rolls eyes*

from xperi-mental :

I love that song that Avalont just mentioned. My two favorite lines are: Spotty stain of "I'm ok, you're not ok." & I'm kicking myself that I shared spit with you!lol The songs called Leech by Incubus, the most awesome band in the world!!! Anyway, just wanted to say Amen to your entry.

from avalonte :

I said those very words yesterday to a friend! "Stop the ride, I want to get off!!" And I keep listening to a song which has the lyrics, "The ride's over, did you enjoy yourself?!" Very appropriate! It also has the line "so fuck yourself and fuck this bleeding heart of mine!" As you can imagine, I scream both lyrics out with gusto!!! ;) Take care, lovely. Have a good weekend.

from xperi-mental :

I wish I could be where you are at emotionally. Things would be so much easier right now.

from xperi-mental :

I don't know what direction I'm going in. Life's like a spinning compass, just don't know where north is anymore.

from xperi-mental :

I'm so proud of you!!!!!

from adulterous-k :

Haha! sometimes I wish I really knew you! Nice weekend, take care x

from adulterous-k :

Oh dear yes - she's right. We want to be able to find the answer all the time, and be praised for figuring it out. Hope you don't both think that's why I send you notes! :-P I'd best keep quiet! xx

from xperi-mental :

Men!!! *rolls eyes* They try to have an answer or a solution for everything. It's just a male thing. Let him answer the questions and praise him for taking the time. Men are like puppies. They like to be praised when they think they are doing something right. Good Boy!!! *pat pat* LOL! *hugs*

from xperi-mental :

Very moving letter. If that doesn't make him realize what's going on, nothing will.

from krugerpak007 :

I feel that what you write in your diary, is an expression of my thoughts, that I just can't seem to put to paper. I am with you, so with. Take care, it will work out.

from krugerpak007 :

I can relate honey. Sometimes we feel like we give everything and don't always get what we give in return. Cheer up, things will look up!They have to!

from xperi-mental :

*hugs* I know what you're feeling. Hang in there long enough and it evenually goes away. Unfortunately it always comes back. It's like a pendulum. Once you're in the air expect to be coming back down again in a backward swing. The good thing is that you know you'll be swinging forward again.

from adulterous-k :

I hear these things you're saying from Jo. The one thing you (seem to) know is that it can't be perfect, can't be everything however much you know you'd like that. But that doesn't mean the only sensible alternative is break it all and make it nothing. Because once it's started it can never be a complete nothing again. 'When it's over, it's not over'. Between those two things there will always be fluctuations, and hard as that is to accept you won't always 'fluctuate in sync.'

from xperi-mental :

I find that Abe isn't exactly the most talkative when it comes to e-mails and such, but it's all so worth it when he whispers all of those wonderful things in my ear. Hope you begin to feel better, Sweetie. It seems that there is a plague of blahs going around.

from xperi-mental :

You are where I was a few weeks back. It's like emotional death knowing that someone you care about so deeply is going to leave. In some ways you want it to happen, because it will be an end to the charades and life would be back to normal. Unfortunately that feeling is so tiny compared to the tremendous loss you feel. I'm here if you need anyone to talk to. *hugs* Dre

from krugerpak007 :

I also so hate weekends.....The only thing I like is been able to sleep an hour or 2 longer, other than that-they suck! Take care sweetie! Kath

from avalonte :

Aww, I just wrote an entry cursing weekends, too!! *hugs*

from xperi-mental :

I hate weekends too. No contact whatsover until monday comes along. There's only one prhase for it. It sucks. *hugs* and hang in there.

from adulterous-k :

Reading you is a bit like looking back on where we were three, maybe four years ago. In answer to your last question - yes it is inevitable! You will be seen, someone will talk and yes the lying skills will be called into question. Always be prepared for that. Because it will happen and you have to be ready. xx

from krugerpak007 :

Just catching up now... Glad that is all over and everything is ok. You guys really have something special!

from avalonte :

I'm glad things have sorted themselves out! And you're not a sucker! Just a soft-hearted woman in love!

from xperi-mental :

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but at least it all worked out.

from adulterous-k :

Reading your last two entries I actually wondered for a fleeting second whether this was Jo writing to me!! I think I know what he feels, but would struggle to either explain or justify it. Thrilling as your weekend sounded I just got a bit scared for you that you were taking too much risk. Be careful, pet. It's important. xx

from poplord :

i just really need to break the cycle..or the treadmill i guess! lol thanks so much!!

from avalonte :

I vote dumb, stupid, pathetic, ignorant, dense, self-absorbed, selfish, insensitive, and brainless. And I'm just being kind!

from xperi-mental :

Maybe he's menstrual. Get it? Men-strual! Ha! Ok, so maybe a lame joke won't make you feel better but hopefully a *hug* will. Take care, sweetie.

from xperi-mental :

Can't wait to read about it!

from krugerpak007 :

Hope you are having a great time!

from adulterous-k :

Having a good time?

from xperi-mental :

Have fun sweetie!!!!

from im2evil4u :

Thank you for the comment! and the questions (that I answered BTW) but I cannot get into your diary. You gave me the password but what is the user name?

from adulterous-k :

It's knowing that someone wants to be able to make the difference that counts, isn't it? not whether they can actually achieve it. Being down can be such a lonely thing, but even if you can't get out of it knowing someone's looking out for you cuts through that lonliness.

from xperi-mental :

I am sooo proud of you!!! You handeled that like a pro. It still sucks that he feels the need to pull away from you but it seems like you surprised him a bit with your lack of a "femenine reaction". Good for you.

from xperi-mental :

That really does suck, sweetie. Well, since you do know him as well as you do, you'll find a way around this. XXXX

from ghostiness :

Aw, thanks for the visit! I do love Buffy, and Queen of the Damned. However, I haven't really read any Anne Rice... though I do really want to. I'll pick one up soon, maybe let you know how I like it ;)

from avalonte :

As I point out in my list of 101 facts about me, I don't believe monogamy is natural for humans. It is desirable, preferable, and morally right, but I don't believe it's natural. It's a hang over from our cave men days!

from krugerpak007 :

You summed it all up in that note you left. I think I will post it in my diary if you do not mind. Thats exactly what I was thinking, feeling etc...What to do, what to do? Hope you are having a good weekend, thanks again for your note honey. Take care, Kathy

from adulterous-k :

Well! I never meant to make anyone cry, and I'm truly touched! It's tough, it really is, but we're happy again this evening. I just saw Xperimental's description of me as a gurdian angel! In one respect I'm in heaven, but I want to assure you I'm not dead yet! xx

from xperi-mental :

Sexual frustration is the worst! It sounds like you have Sam eating out of the palm of your hand. Hang in there.

from krugerpak007 :

I ask myself the same question always. Is it possible to love two? Is it best to stay with one and keep seen the other in order to to hurt? Isn't life hard sometimes?I am with you honey...xoxo Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

That entry put a smile on my face. It is so good to "see" the smile between your words. Did that make sense? Anyway take care and continue been happy! xoxox Kathy

from xperi-mental :

Yeah buddy!!!

from xperi-mental :

Kevin is a treasure. He has given me so much good advice. He's like the guardian angel of all of us adulterers. *hugs*

from adulterous-k :

Not giving up - no! Just being wistful for the way it used to be two years ago and more. Maybe I should do a recap entry to explain?

from wench77 :

Hiya! Thanks for doing my gettinolder survey! Yes yes yes re the kneeling down/gettin up thing (oh my knees!). I think it is so funny that women my age are having their kids start to leave home (which was the case with my mom) and I'm wondering if I want to adopt. I've got it all backwards. As for the motorcycle... you'll just move up to one of those huge things with hardcase saddlebags, big front end fairing with floorboards, and surround radio speakers. hehe. At about 65. Hmm, I should get inspired by your responses to get back to the gym and doing my yoga. I feel creaky, in need of a stretch, and not as strong as I'd like. Ah it is spring. Maybe that will help. Thanks again! Tah!

from xperi-mental :

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about being in a constant state of arousal. It was like that between Abe and me for quite some time in the beginning. It's enough to drive you mad!

from xperi-mental :

Things are pretty hot between the two of you. You know, it's only a matter of time before this goes to the next level. I hope you two will be ready for that.

from punkrocksara :

may i have the password?? [email protected]

from punkrocksara :

may i have the password?? [email protected]

from krugerpak007 :

I just bought an expensive toy! :-) And it was worth every cent....:-) Sam really sounds serious and he is obviously crazy about you. You hang in there too girlfriend! xoxox Kathy

from xperi-mental :

I know what you mean about uncontrolable heat, I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't have Abe the way I need him...I'd probably buy a really expensive toy. *wink*

from krugerpak007 :

I know. It is the most confusing thing in the world. I wish I knew how to help you think, or be comfortable with your thoughts. I am also confused, worried, guilty, stressed. Life isn't easy I guess, especially with relationships and marriage. I am here to listen... Take care honey.

from adulterous-k :

yes! I knew you would understand. xx

from krugerpak007 :

When I read your diary sometimes I feel like its me. Does that make sense?I hope you had a great weekend! Kathy

from avalonte :

Hmmm... that's a tough situation, hon! Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Let your hair down, and forget about things for a bit!

from xperi-mental :

I can relate with Sam. I did that whole pulling away thing a lot in the beginning. Actually I still do it on occasion. By the way thanks again for your supportive words. *lots of hugs*

from avalonte :

You're so right! You are me and I am you!!!! Lol! Can I ask for a short history of you and Sam? How did you meet?

from xperi-mental :

I once had my two guys in the same room once...it was very nerve recking. By the way I love the new template.

from poplord :

wow...both of them working together????? geezus, i don't think i could act normal in that situation!

from krugerpak007 :

Wow, we sure do have a lot in common. I am glad I found your diary. Take care. Kathy

from krugerpak007 :

I think we may have some things in common. Is there any way you would allow me to read your diary?

from xperi-mental :

It's strange how powerful lust can be, even stranger is how powerful it is when it's mixed with love.

from poplord :

just noticed you added me to your fav's too. thanks!! so then i went to check out yer diary, and i need a password or something. i feel so left out!!! lol

from xperi-mental :

I love your writing and I find I can identify myself in you. Hope you don't mind if I add you to my favorites list.XXXX

from adulterous-k :

Over the years I've become accustomed to the parallel existence thing - duplicity seems to have become second nature. I still can't handle the emotional difficulties, struggle with concealing highs and lows that are in my head while I'm in the 'other life'. I don't know whether to worry about the effect on my sanity, or to be concerned that I have a sanity that seens to absorb the problem. Thanks for reading me so avidly! Take care (!)

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