messages to thruthecrowd:
(click here to add new message):

from catsoul :
1.12.2020. Hi. I feel your emotional pain. It always seems that our loved ones, the one we love so, so much knows what will hurt the worst. I am sorry you have to deal with all of that. As far as social work degree, I would just throw that out by the roadside and get that degree in creative writing. I feel that you write so eloquently. Follow your hopes and dreams. Peace. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
have you thought about transferring degrees?
from aryssa90 :
Why did he say that to you? That isn't a nice thing to say at all. I'm sorry, I've always enjoyed when we've typed/talked.
from catsoul :
9.21.19 I dislike when I can't find my pants either. Must be that you should just stay home and take a nap. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
9.21.19 I dislike when I can't find my pants either. Must be that you should just stay home and take a nap. Peace. =^..^=
from catsoul :
7.9.19. Seriously get your gall bladder taken out. My husband needed his out, he put it off, and ended up in the hospital for two weeks fighting pancreatis, for two weeks before they took out his gall bladder. It was a lot of wasted time, if only he had listened to me. Peace. =^..^=
from theshivers :
I'm here, reading and caring. Please continue. <3
from aryssa90 :
I'm sure your work is amazing. We're always our harshest critics. I hope you stay in contact with the nice assistant person! Take care of yourself in your week off <3
from aryssa90 :
I’m wondering if my antibiotics and or steroids are like a diuretic because I’ve been peeing a lot more too! Ugh, bronchitis solidarity friend 💜
from achmardi :
I've been reading you for a long time... And if you drop grad school, you haven't been defeated. Your school, professors and program has failed you around every corner and the fact that you've gotten this far against all those odds on top of everything else is incredible. You're a lot stronger than you think. <3
from catsoul :
12.16.18. Congratulations on your outstanding grades. Now you can hopefully rest and relax a bit. Peace. =^..^=
from theshivers :
I hope you know we are all glad you exist xo
from achmardi :
I'm sorry about your blood disorder diagnosis. :( I got blood clots too from IVs and surgery. But I learned that after a certain amount of time, your body sort of walls off any clots in your veins and then it doesn't become an issue. Can they put you on blood thinners? Maybe that will help with the dehydration.
from hitch-hike :
Have you looked for online programs in your field?
from hitch-hike :
My Dear... grad school is tough in terms of challenges, time, and stretching your mind BUT also rewarding in terms of new knowledge, the connections you make, being able to focus on your area of interest, and feeling a sense of accomplishment! If what you are mostly experiencing is horrible administration, poor teaching and other logistical clusterfucks, RUN!! There are a lot of poorly run programs out there and it is not worth it to waste your time, energy, and resources! They want your money more than doing a good job or teaching you anything! RUN, even if it means you are behind by another semester or even a year! Grad school should be rewarding, especially with all the work and money put into it! (Ok, I'm done now... I hope it works out!)
from raven72d :
Tell me about grad school--- I spent half my life in grad school and then law school; it was a world I felt happy in.
from raven72d :
Thanks! I'm trying a new template after all these years!
from aryssa90 :
Glad to have you in all places <3
from raven72d :
Seems to be working! My own diary is taking forever to load, too. How did you solve that problem on yours?
from raven72d :
I can't find the text in your entries! What am I doing wrong?
from raven72d :
It is indeed. I love the hint of autumn!
from aryssa90 :
2016 has been an incredibly shitty year. im still reading you. i still think of you.
from aryssa90 :
I know we havent talked as much but I'm thankful for you. We should be facebook friends!
from aryssa90 :
How are you? I went to california this weekend and I thought of you
from aryssa90 :
I would miss reading you :( I haven't been super vocal lately but I've been really into my thoughts these days. It's not always the best place to be
from hitch-hike :
Do you have an email? I'll send my social media info.
from catsoul :
Hello...I am on Facebook, and I would love to add you as a friend. email me at ambereyesforyou@yahoo.com, I will give you my name, and leave it up to decide if you would like to send me a friend request. So sending you positive thoughts for a better day. Sorry your tummy hurts, Gatorade and rice are my friends when I can't eat. Take Care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
Today, while driving, a grasshopper jumped on my car windshield. I sat there at the light and studied it before it flew away. I thought of you :)
from catsoul :
Sorry to read about your Mantis. The molting time is hard for them. My tarantula Miss Fuzzy who I had for almost 10 years passed away during one of her molts. It was a sad time. Just wanted you to know I feel your loss and sadness. Take Care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
You're a good person. You don't deserve people mistreating you. I know that family and a sense of identity is important to you but have you ever thought that it isn't that you don't deserve them, it's that they don't deserve you? They don't sound like very good people and I know it can be so so difficult but sometimes it's healthier to keep the toxic people out of our lives.
from raven72d :
I do like finding notes... And I'll be reading along, so I hope you keep writing for the long run.
from raven72d :
Glad to see you're still writing!
from aryssa90 :
Happy birthdayyyy!!!! I'm so glad I found your blog and that I'm able to read your words!
from aryssa90 :
Some teachers are pretty ridiculous but I'm glad you got it done and sent it in. Don't let anyone make you feel as if you haven't accomplished so much!
from catsoul :
So glad to read your update about that one class. You go girl....you have been doing so well. Take Care. =^..^=
from hitch-hike :
Please don't let one rotten thing (the wellness class) hold you back from something you've worked on for so long! The tuition and time to invest in it kinda sucks, but if it's only a 3 credit hour class, you can easily get it done over the course of the summer. I've had a couple incompletes and bad grades on my transcript, but I still fulfilled all other requirements and made it past the finish line. I beg, I plead... please consider.
from hitch-hike :
Congrats on the graduation!! I am so glad you were able to go all the way despite the roadblocks. This is an experience that is yours, all yours, and absolutely no one can take it away from you. You earned it through and through, and you can truly say you did it on your own (and leave it at that).
from aryssa90 :
So happy for you and proud of you!!!
from catsoul :
You did it, congratulations on your dream. Now you need to a celebratory tattoo to have a forever memory of your dream. Take Care. Peace Out. =^..^=
from achmardi :
Congrats on graduating! I know it's been rough, but you DID IT. <3
from aryssa90 :
I'm right there with you in the tattoos. Your ideas sound beautiful! If I'm ever in New Mexico again, maybe we will get a margarita and talk about houses and books and life :) And yeah, the trump part threw me off. I've stopped talking to people completely because of that and here I am having sex with a trump supporter, and planning on continuing to do so. What's wrong with me?!
from catsoul :
Start an arm collage with your tattoos, then you can add to them. Make them large enough so they remain visible and not blur out. I have been getting tattooed since I was 21 and I am now 60. You have some special ideas that need to be done. Do it now, not later. :) =^..^=
from catsoul :
hi...I am sorry to read about your dad passing away. I have been reading about you and your life. You have overcome so many hurdles and are so courageous. Take Care and be kind to yourself. =^..^=
from hitch-hike :
I am so sorry to hear about your father's death, and even more so that you don't have the support you need. It's still a huge loss even if you didn't have the ideal relationship and the effects are very real (I know, death took a father from me who was already estranged). I don't know what else I could say. I wish you could go someplace comfortable for a little while, but I doubt that's an option. This is the time to soothe and care for yourself.
from hitch-hike :
...I've gained a lot of awareness of myself and others through what I've learned in ACA, and I felt a lot more empowered in my relationships, so that's why I recommend it.
from hitch-hike :
I've been reading you for a while, and I wanted to make a gentle recommendation since it sounds like your family life and relationships has some dysfunction: http://www.adultchildren.org/literature. Although it's for children of alcoholic parents, it addresses behavioral and emotional matters we face because someone close to us has a problem that affects us. Its main point is to be honest with ourselves and others, and also to maintain appropriate boundaries without being ashamed. It might be another tool for your self-care kit!
from aryssa90 :
Hey! Just wanted to let you know I got your email and I haven't meant to ignore you I've just been crazy busy! Please feel free to email me more stuff about the house, I enjoy hearing about things not related to my job and I'm so happy for you!!
from aryssa90 :
Yay home owning! It brings its own set of headaches and heartaches but it feels stable :) are you planning on moving in with him?
from aryssa90 :
Hugs! Im doing nothing right now and it's a good way to spend he holiday I believe
from hitch-hike :
This might sound weird, but why don't you contact your local congressman or woman and tell them about the hard time you're having with SS? I'd approach them rationally and with the facts. I've known people who got administrative f^ck-ups squared away by contacting one of them, especially someone who was sympathetic for their cause.
from aryssa90 :
Bank theft is such a bitch! I had that happen to me the other day and they spent everything I had in my account at McDonald's and Walgreens! And buying houses from crazy relatives is never a good thing.
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Life is just shitty sometimes and I feel like this year totally blows. I'm here if you need me, I check my email more than dland these days
from enurta :
im sorry. but this is their pattern. i don't know what else to say. i hope everything gets better. have hope. you are so beautiful.
from aryssa90 :
I have had a horrible sinus infection all week also! My throat killed for here days. I gargles with salt water, apple cider vinegar mixed with water and hydrogen peroxide mixed with water. I did those three separately, not all mixed together and it really helped.
from enurta :
they ignore you for a reason. you are smart, they are not. smart, kind people are supposed to be stepped on. it's not an acceptable trait nowadays. brains and heart? no.
from enurta :
Amy! <3 <3 <3 i love her so much.
from enurta :
fuck siblings. fuck family. you can create your own family, one that loves you but isn't blood-related. you are a beautiful person. it's their fucking loss treating you this way....just don't forget this if they apologize in the future and come crawling back.
from integrating :
This msg is for enurta, since I have no other way to get in touch with her. I left you a msg on my notes.
from enurta :
why can't you go to the wedding?
from aryssa90 :
I totally understand those days. But I'm glad to have your words in my life :)
from enurta :
tumble drying and freezing, also getting traps that are like stickers are the only way....good luck sweetie <3 it's going to be okay. I know how fucked up it is...but try not to think about it.
from enurta :
you need to put the vacuum bag in the freezer when you're done and then throw it away. otherwise they will not die. have they become moths yet or only worms? there are traps for the full grown moths that you can buy fairly cheap. they hide in cracks in the wall and stuff and then hatch. I know what that shit is like. I had them here also. it was hell getting rid of them...all the clothes, everything, wash everything and tumble dry everything at least 50 degrees Celsius /122 degrees Fahrenheit (don't know which one you use in your country so I wrote both). for AT LEAST half an hour (the tumble dry)....or just freeze everything in the freezer. that is the only way they will die. if they are inside the mattress you need to throw it away completely <3
from aryssa90 :
My dad is an alcoholic, I'm sure I will have to go through this in the future. I totally get where you're coming from. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice, I've been angry at my dad since I was old enough to understand and I'm still angry at him now. If you need to talk, you have my email, I've been checking that more than dland these days
from integrating :
So sorry for what you're going through. <3
from enurta :
you need to forgive him to able to move on, for your own sake - and also to give him closure so he can leave this world in peace. I can understand him to a certain extent, because I have been the same...so if anything, please forgive him. it wasn't/isn't his fault. he probably suffered/suffers from some kind of mental illness (which is obvious), so do try to forgive. if you can't - tell him you have. to give him closure. but I can also understand your situation because I have seen the people who love me watch me do this shit over and over again.
from integrating :
He's not going to change.
from enurta :
you deserve better. I hope he stops, but from experience...he won't. unless he is afraid of consequences....
from enurta :
there'll always be stupid people around. anywhere you go. who try to get your attention in a fucked up ways, because they are so empty inside they feel the need to hurt others. ignore them. even dog shit is better than them.... you're a beautiful, caring, sweet person. stay strong. <3
from catsoul :
Sorry that you are feeling less than your best. Hang in there. I also don't like how mean and uncaring people can be especially when then just don't get it or care to try and understand it. Take Care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
Happy belated birthday! I'm sorry you had to go to the ER on it, I hope you did something fun after :)
from enurta :
'Luckily I really am too busy and angry enough over how i am being treated. That i don't really care if she fails her paper...no one edits my papers.' nice attitude - put yourself first for once, you deserve better "friends" <3
from aryssa90 :
Sometimes online schooling sucks! Did you email the tech people? It's good you were able to get the motivation to study even though you weren't able to take the tests. Are you still feeling as down as you were in the last entry?
from aryssa90 :
I know what you mean about the motivation. I dknt want to do anything except sleep. 2015 has been so shitty so far. But you have my email if you ever need to talk/vent :)
from integrating :
I am so sorry to hear about your cousin and your dad.
from hitch-hike :
I can relate with what you said about learning about your extended family through the DNA analysis. A lot of things I didn't understand about myself where clarified once I got to know my long-lost father's family. Isn't is interesting how much of our personality is inherited? Hopefully this new knowledge will help you have a more complete understanding of who you are, and perhaps what you may become if you choose.
from enurta :
I don't know what to say. i believe in you. and you do not need him, if he makes you that scared. and i can relate to so much....<3
from integrating :
I know because of the site still being messed up you can't tell who has you as a friend. Well I added you to mine...You are in a seriously dysfunctional relationship. I should know. My last boyfriend put me in battered women's shelters for 5 years until the fucker pulled a butcher knife on me. That was it. I wasn't about to give him another chance to do that to me again. You deserve the best! Even if that means being single. After I broke up with him, two years later I got together with an old bf from high school. Moved 2 hours away and everything. Turned out he was a verbally abusive alcoholic. I got out of there as soon as I could. I swore I would never ever let somebody treat me like shit again. Now I live with my 33 yr old son who has PTSD from being in Iraq for a year and he is verbally and mentally abusive and I have no monetary means to get away from him and I don't want to leave him with all the bills because he can't do it. It's different when it's your own son. Luckily we have been invited to go live with my aunt because my uncle has full blown alzheimer's and they put him in a home. So I'm hoping my son will change his behavior and won't act like that in front of my aunt. Hold your chin up and don't take his abuse hon. <3
from aryssa90 :
Im sorry youre struggling. Stupid snow fucks us all in the end. When you feel beaten down just by, everything, remember how far you have come. nothing and nobody can take that away from you. You are strong and intelligent and beautiful. This may be a time of setbacks for you but it will change. Nothing is permanent. The bad and the good. Email me if you need, your alst one got sent to a different folder but I added you to my contacts so it shouldnt do that now
from integrating :
Aww, sorry you're stuck at your bf's house. Don't cry, "this too shall pass".
from enurta :
<3
from achmardi :
*hugs* One thing I FINALLY learned after getting my diploma in the mail is that all the misery was NOT worth it. It's a great goal but if it's making you so upset then I say drop the class if you can.
from integrating :
I love your diary. Very creative.
from integrating :
Thank you so much for the note. <3
from enurta :
it's okay, he'll say he's sorry later. the whole "valentine's day" thing makes people agitated. it's not a special day in any way. every day is special.
from achmardi :
Sending positive energy your way, I hope you feel better soon!
from dangerspouse :
ALL men think that a cute girl's audible farting is adorable. Where have you been all these years that you don't know that?
from enurta :
I hope you'll feel better soon <3
from aryssa90 :
hello, im sorry i have been a shitty writer backer. life is shitty sometimes, it really is. but its people like you who make it a little less shitty. youre an amazing and strong person. it sucks when your support system is, well, less than supportive. But no matter what, you are heard and every feeling is temporary, even if it never feels that way. If nothing else, I hope your upcoming Dr's appt goes well, please keep us updated.
from enurta :
hey, thanks for the note <3 "Having a social circle that entirely consists of my boyfriend, my mom, of a grandma in-future law and 4 cats is beginning to get to me. I don't have friends. I thought I did, but the people who I thought were my friends are friends with other people and still have no room for me. I just don't fit." I know how you feel. but you have your boyfriend, and I know the right thing to say is "you can make new friends" but we both know how fucking hard that is. your kitties are good for you, do you have any siblings? you can hang out with their friends maybe...or you can try to get to know your boyfriend's friends? it could have been worse. but I understand...your frustration. I'm in the same boat. *hugs*
from phaythles :
Thanks! :) Hes getting better which makes me excited. Im super glad that his doctor found out why he was sick as well. I can only imagine just how bad this would have turned out if we only let the hospital "fix" him. Makes me realize 2nd opinions are sometimes necessary.
from phaythles :
Thanks for the note! Hes better now, thankfully. *hugs*
from achmardi :
Ugh, I hope your stomach is okay. Maybe it's something more like diverticulitis? Usually ovaries are a lot lower in the abdomen than we tend to think they are, so I hope it's nothing more than an infection!
from jaysthoughts :
I'll try to keep it up. Maybe even get a DLand revival going..
from jaysthoughts :
Just checking to see how many diarylanders still actually check their notes and stay active.
from aryssa90 :
that was a hilarious entry. i hope you remember. Woo :)
from achmardi :
You're definitely not alone. :)
from aryssa90 :
youre not alone :) i know online isnt as good as real life but at least you know there are people out there who do care!
from achmardi :
Thank you! Sometimes I forget that people are (probably) reading, but I think that's why I've kept a diary someplace for as long as I have. I never know who might be listening and understanding on a level I'm never sure of. <3
from hitch-hike :
Congrats on the p.a.i.d. internship!! Hooray!!
from ping-island :
thanks for the recommendation, i'll see if i can find one of those!
from almostrachie :
I'm sorry your boyfriend is being distant. Hopefully it's just a phase; I know I go through periods of time (usually in the wintertime) where I just don't want to be around anybody at all. I want to see Maleficent sooooo bad! Glad you enjoyed it :)
from almostrachie :
If it's strange to be excited about plants, hello, I'm strange; and I'm ecstatic about my sunflower and green bean plants!!
from achmardi :
Goodness, we really are twins right now. I've lost all motivation to do anything other than watch Netflix as well (and just a couple weeks ago it was My Cat From Hell, now it's The Walking Dead). I hope you get everything sorted out. <3
from aryssa90 :
You have support here! Schools are businesses, we have to remember that. It's always going to be about money with them, money before education. It's a messed up system and you deserve more. But don't think you're alone and don't think that you have no support! You should email the next person possible just to be spiteful lol or just finish out the next month and be done. Regardless, hope you feel better soon. Here if you need me!
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for your note. I'm definitely working on being more assertive and there is really no part of me that is okay with working there anymore. I may try to tick it out until mid-May though, because I have to save money for a pre-planned trip. I hope your kitties start to geth along better. I recently introduced a 12 week old kitten into the house. My poor dog is having a rough time with it, though they seem to be adjusting. Maybe with time they will be able to at least tolerate each other.
from vinternatt :
Oh yeah! Finally, someone who likes reading books from these authors. Their novels and stories mean much, very much to me. Hm, if it is only the instructor whom you have reasons to dislike, but the subject itself is okay... maybe the subject is interesting enough to make it easier to survive? Yeah, I had good reasons for abandoning this diary, I had really nothing interesting or exciting to write about.
from vinternatt :
Huhh, I feel for you - incompetant instructors are one of the most horrible things I can think of. Maybe he is projecting his incompetance to you, and this is why he always comes with this cheap answer "I know it is hard to understand"? I understand why you are so irritated. Anyway, I do share many of the mentioned interests. Especially astrology, Egyptian things, and palmistry are really close to me. And, what is the dark, moody, depressing and very Russian thing you wish to escape into? I see you mentioned Dostoevsky in your profile, what about other Russian classics? I do love Gogol, Tchekhov and Turgenjeff too... and you? :}
from wildguess :
Hi! I randomly wandered into your diary. You write about how overwhelmed you feel with classwork, and I immediately empathize. Much of my writing is also about how distraught all this unsurmountable work makes me feel. I sensed the anxiety (which I know much too well), and that "feeling" you described when you look at what you're supposed to do, your brain and body freezes and you must escape. Its odd to say but I thought this only happened to me. I just want to say that, as Im sure you've heard before, you are not alone and none of those feelings make you any less wonderful. Thank you for openly sharing your experiences.
from vinternatt :
Thank you for your note! Yes, I do understand that knowing that you are not alone gives a great help. Especially because avoidant tendencies have very much to do with isolation/separation angst. So, the fact that I am not the only one here, gives a kind of ease for me too - thanx for that, again! :}
from movingsands :
I have been reading you sporadically for a while, mostly if I'm on and I catch a new entry. I just wanted to leave a note after your last entry to say that I find it admirable all you are doing to better yourself despite the hurdles and fears. Step by step and steady on. It's sad and hard to hear unpleasantness from friends, but don't let it bring your spirits down (too much). Ignorance, unfortunately, is an illness only the ill can remedy- but not if they don't want to. Eh, long note ^_^
from aryssa90 :
It's difficult to provide much insight without more specific questions. Also, is it possible that the questions refer only to American culture since differentiation has definitely increased population growth in the states? Either way, you are not stupid :)
from catsoul :
12/22/13....I forgot to say the feeling cold and funny is or could maybe be a reaction to the start of your body trying to get rid of what you eat. Take Care. =^..^=
from catsoul :
12/22/13....Sorry you are having more digestive issues. I don't know what you ate, just feel bad for you. I can relate, though each person's case is different. I deal with digestive issues and my colon all the time. I don't do dairy, wheat, and I have a lot of food allegories. If you are like me, I too am so sick of the tests to rule something else out. I eat pretty organic, and I keep a food journal and also write down how I feel after. Then if I have an issue in my body, I cross that food off my list. Hope you feel better. Take Care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Hearing something like that, especially in such a harsh way, can be devastating. But don't give up! You are such a strong and tenacious individual. If you were following the information you had been given and what is in the catalog then you have what you need to back you up. Talk to the women who helped you before and maybe they will be able to figure it out with you. Don't let one ass keep you from accomplishing what you want! At the very most, you may have to reapply for the next term, right? You have accomplished so much in the face of adversity and as panic-inducing as thig situation is, don't ever forget what an amazing woman you are.
from phaythles :
I'm glad the note perked you up :) I am all about the warm and fuzzies. That sucks that you were subjected to that though. Eh, not all shrinks are good eggs. It always makes me cringe when I hear about the bad ones. People already feel weird for even THINKING about going to see a shrink, then they hear about the ones who created more problems by crawling inside the patients head to make them feel like they actually are damaged neurotic goods. I saw one before when I was younger, like 14. She had to be new because she seemed a little unsure of herself and me. Like she really wanted this to work. She had like a shiny feel to her. I instantly felt bad for her. I kept thinking this must be how I'll seem that whole perky let me help you please! Anyway she actually confirmed to me that it WASNT me but my family. Which made me feel good in all honesty. Like FINALLY someone else gets it. And a grown up at that! Woot woot! Haha. I feel you on the comment thing though. I swear I'll write a pretty sweet one (in my mind at least it rocked) and then I can see how many people viewed it, but no one will leave a comment. Not even a disagreement. It makes me feel like I'm not speaking English or I am some how missing the big picture of the class? Am I not understanding the material? It fucks with my head.
from aryssa90 :
I am also convinced. I'm just tired of being depressed all the time. If this small thing is going to help me cope in some small way to make it through this job and also function like a semi-normal human being, then I'll take it! Sounds like youre having a rough time lately. I didn't particularly cared for the people or the format in my online courses. I experienced much the same frustrations that you are right now, but I'm really glad you are lodging complaints, unlike myself. You really are making a difference if only by showing those assholes that they can't get away with whatever they want because its an online class! Good job :)
from phaythles :
"After a few hours of crying, some people I don't know thanking me for the argument I inadvertently started on fb in which they learned a lot, some self-reflection on the triggering section of my textbook, some sleep, as well as the assignment we had to do for my (so far awesome) abnormal psych class, (as well as reading some of my classmates VERY sad and semi lousy posts on what they do as a therapist (that honestly made me cringe inside) I have determined that I would be a good therapist." <---- That! Hah! God the road to being a shrink I swear. Don't you worry you'll be a good one :) I do agree with you that psych teachers probably do experiment on us by seeing how much we can take before we break. It'd be hard not to. Like how can you control the urge to crawl in other people's head? Abnormal psych was such a fun class. I love the personality disorders. When I was younger I damn near thought I was capable of having them all. Turns out I was actually a typical moody teenager. Hah! I feel you on the classmates though that was what I just finished bitching about in my entry. Not everyone has the depth, common sense, and friendly/helpful personality to actually become a shrink. They just think they do because they want the paycheck. My abnormal psych teacher actually said that. He was like "if you came here to actually help people then you're lying to yourself, it's about the money." Seriously? I'll make sure to NEVER come see you if I ever need an emotional tune up. Prick.
from musikoid :
From what I know of you, I agree you'd make a good therapist. Facebook can be useful, but for me it can also be a trigger. Have fun on your road trip.
from love-me-more :
I just saw the note you left me :) I will be back to read more of your diary :) I am very intrigued!
from love-me-more :
I just saw the note you left me :) I will be back to read more of your diary :) I am very intrigued!
from aryssa90 :
You really need to get out of this relationship. I know that you say there are good parts and good points but the down parts seem very down and he seems like he could possibly be emotionally abusive. Even if he isn't calling you derogatory things, creating an environment in which you feel the things you are feeling is abusive. I don't want you to feel like you cannot write these things in your journal because this is a place where you can write anything, but I just wanted to support you and let you know that you do not deserve to have a relationship like this. I consider you a friend even though we do not talk too often. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for the comments! I have taken antibiotics, I took them about a week and a half ago for the bronchitis and ear infection I had. It's horrible! I've never had vertigo before. I keep wanting to eat crap food too bc I'm going to start my period soon and every time I try (despite Bill telling me not to) I feel so completely sick. I'm sticking to jello and boiled chicken until everything is back to normal. How are things going with you?
from unhealthyme :
thank you very much!
from aryssa90 :
you arent in my way, please don't un-exist.
from aryssa90 :
i think theres just something going around making people feel this way. I too feel more and more depressed and lonely and just...wrong. I'm not exactly sure how to fix it and all I want to do is retreat into my room and do *nothing*. Like, literally nothing. I want to read and pet my dog and that's about it. I'm sorry you're going through this, except even worse. I know what it's like to feel alone.
from swallowthkey :
thank you, dear :)
from aryssa90 :
Congratulations on getting the classes you needed! Hopefully you will be able to them being online. I think life has just been difficult all around for both of us! I'm sorry about your friend but it certainly says a lot about your character if she trusts you that much. I completely understand what You mean about not being sure if you have anything worth posting. I often feel the same. Take care and hopefully things look up!
from musikoid :
Sounds like my neighborhood gets every weekend, though not usually on the week nights. I hear a lot of gunshots too. But anyway, stay vigilant and on the ball. There's no such thing as taking too many precautions in that kind of situation. Oh, and I agree with catsoul.
from catsoul :
hi, I read what you write. Diaryland is a very wonderful place to write and get it out. I am a rambler of words. I know that I repeat myself in my writings a lot. My life has changed a lot the past 6 years. Anyhoo, I just want to write to you and tell you, that no matter what you write here, it is a great thing to do. It helps. Take Care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. When I was I college, I rented a lot of my textbooks through chegg.com and they were way less expensive
from aryssa90 :
I've been meaning to write you notes about your last few entries but I am working 70 hours a week now and I have a wretched sinus infection but, I'm proud kf you, it sounds like your event went well! Also, I know that your boyfriend can at times be a source of comfort and help to you but you deserve someone who will be there for you emotionally and treat you amazingly! Maybe he can be that person but it sounds as if he hasn't been lately. I hope things improve for you there and I'm wishing you all the best!
from aryssa90 :
I want you around! You're an amazing person, just keep remembering that throughout these dark days.
from catsoul :
hi, glad you are improving....now I have the head cold and cough! I haven't had a cold for over 6 years, so this is like something new. Anyhoo, have a great day! Take care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
This is definitely a horrible flu. Every time I think it's gone, it comes back with some wretched variation. This time, it's more disorienting than before. So, I hope we both get rid of it soon! I'd like to hear more about your visit with your cousin, I hope it was an amazing time!
from musikoid :
That *is* awesome. I hope you two have a really fulfilling visit.
from atwowaydream :
Well yay. Delete my last note so I'm not a total facebook whore?
from aryssa90 :
Sorry if you get two notes, I've been using my phone and I tried posting a note but it said it didn't go through. Anyway, I'm sorry you've been so sick too. The flu is horrible. I'd share some soup with you if I could though. I hope you feel better soon, I'll keep you in my thoughts!
from musikoid :
If nothing you're reading makes much sense, I'm sure what I'm writing will be no exception. Get well -
from musikoid :
I've had the flu lately too, and coughing. It really sucks. Did you get my password? There are all kinds of new neurotic entries being posted, in angst.
from atwowaydream :
Well, whenever you feel comfortable, the offer is still there. inlethaldoses@aol.com on Facebook. I may not be good at a lot of stuff, but I do try to be a good friend.
from atwowaydream :
"Mad World" is one of those songs that can bring me to tears. Even if people in your real life aren't being good friends, at least know that you have someone on the internet who would bring you noodle soup.
from musikoid :
If you don't mind sending me your email again, I'll reply with it back to you. Or if I find your email first, I'll send it to you. But it looks like it's lost the recent disappearance of most of my Outlook inbox.
from musikoid :
I wrote "becoming concerned" where I meant to write "becoming more concerned." Sometimes I type so fast I start leaving out words, thinking I've already put them there lol.
from musikoid :
Whenever I used to be a piano teacher or a voice teacher, one of the must difficult circumstances was an overly doting parent, especially when they were observing the process. I felt as though I was becoming concerned with making a positive impression on the parent than on actually getting the information across to the student. At its worst, it was demoralizing. A couple times I wound up canceling the accounts, just to forget about the whole thing. + Oh, I still don't know if you have my password, because it's changed a few times, and I'm not very good at things like email lists.
from atwowaydream :
Yay! You rock it out, girl. It takes a lot of bravery to do what you do, and I admire that. Much love to you.
from blazingangel :
Thanks for the email. I can certainly understand the desire to be private and that people get busy in real life. Like I said before Im not on diaryland much any more, and the note thing is WAYYYYYYY too public for me. So I figured I would email you & give u a few contact options. That way if you have some of these you can add me:) So check your email ... lol
from blazingangel :
I've been away from diaryland for a while. I was going to send you a message but your link is disabled. What I was going to do see if you'd like to write a few articles for the True-emotions.net self-help Library. (full credit applies of course) If you are interested...feel free to get a hold of me on yahoo under blazing_angel_73 or via email jesilyn73@gmail.com
from blazingangel :
I hope you don't mind ... I have added a link to your page on True-Emotions.Net's (Diary Heaven section). My site focuses on helping others and I feel your diary is perfect. It lets others know that there are REAL people who deal with the same things... (thanks 4 sharing)
from aryssa90 :
Hey, thanks for the financial aid info, i'm working on getting all that sorted out. it is so stressful. I'm worried about you though. Your boyfriend shouldn't ever treat you that way and you should never feel like it's okay for anyone, let alone someone who i supposed to love you, make you feel like that. I hope you are okay and that things improve.
from aryssa90 :
Your curtains sound pretty. I need to get new curtains, Bill has hideous paisley light blocking ones that have little dangly beads on the top...they are truly atrocious. Things are better with Bill's health, thank god. I had read the book Les Mis but I hadn't seen any of the musical versions, though I'd heard some of the songs. The movie was my first real visual experience of it, which some might think cheapens the experience or something, but I thought it was beautiful. I also love the Glee versions of "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own". Those are my two favorite songs from the movie, what are yours from the musical? Have you seen The Phantom of the Opera movie? I love musicals and seeing Les Mis has just renewed that obsession.
from aryssa90 :
Happy New Year! Hope this one will be a good one and you experience a lot more firsts :)
from musikoid :
Hey there -- you sent me an email a while back but I can't find it to get your address. I have changed my password. Can you write me at andypope7 at hotmail dot com if you still wish to read? I have been on a mission to gain more readers lately, you being one of them, I hope.
from aryssa90 :
yay! glad things are going well for you!
from aryssa90 :
that entry was hilarious. I have totally given death hugs before as well!
from aryssa90 :
I just decided to check my notes and I missed like 3 from you! I'm so sorry, I didn't get any notifications! I hope you are doing well. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis but I am *so* glad you finally found someone who will listen to you and understands what you are going through. Hopefully she will help you! How are the other aspects of your life going? The club, school, the boyfriend? I hope you are doing well!
from aryssa90 :
I will write a longer note later. I just checked in before going to bed after work and wanted to tell you I'm here for you and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you are having a better day and just remember what a wonderful and strong person you are.
from atwowaydream :
Nov. 3: I can so relate to this entry that I almost curled up inside of myself from not being able to give you a hug. You're amazing, and you will get through this, I truly believe you will one day own that house.
from lostasyou :
Just so you know, I am emailing you so I can possibly get a password if that's okay? Just so you know it's me :)
from aryssa90 :
Those are awesome firsts!
from aryssa90 :
I am so happy for you! I am glad things went so well, you deserved it!
from deflective :
I'm so happy for you :)
from xnamehere :
relaaax! you're beautiful.
from spit-n-lie :
Real Monsters! oh that brings back memories. Didn't know they were on Netflix. I wish I could give you some kind of encouraging comment or advice. However, I suck at relationships - familial, romantic, etc. I have a difficult time sharing which just makes me seem emotionally barren and what not. I do know that family, and barely-family, is hard. So I hope and wish you goodness and everything nice :)
from atwowaydream :
It's not even all that special. seriously.
from raven72d :
I do love your favorite authors.
from aryssa90 :
That was a fabulous entry. I've definitely been wondering about reincarnation a lot because I just feel these massive connections to things in the past that I can't explain. It goes beyond a general interest in them and it makes me wonder if these things are so fascinating to me because of some past life. I loved your perspective on the whole idea-how even if you don't believe in external reincarnation we all have a biological one. It definitely holds true for me as well and it gave me a new way to think about it! I am glad you had fun at your belly dance class although you were in pain. I have always wanted to take some type of belly dance or burlesque class :)
from aryssa90 :
It always surprises me how rude doctors and their secretaries are. It's practically a miracle when I find a doctor I like. Today, I found the nicest dentist ever which rocked but I've had crap luck with doctors. I just don't understand why they are like that-first of all, they are being paid to do a service and second of all, just act like a human for god sake. Anyways, tangent over. I completely understand your frustration and wish there were something I could do to help!
from deflective :
That really blows. I have EDS too so I know how painful it can be. Pregnancy was torture on my hips. Thankfully I found a couple doctors who actually know what it is and understand. I've also been through the ones who assume it's all in your head or are making it up because they're too uneducated and ignorant of EDS. Keep searching, even though it's tiring, because among all the useless ones there truly are good competent doctors out there. If you haven't been to a geneticist yet, a geneticist's opinion on your record can do wonders for how some of these doctors treat you. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it.
from illusionless :
Oh my! I'm sorry your life has been so rough since childhood, but our trials are also what make us strong. As for your physical health issues, have you tried going to the ER and explaining your situation to them? Malnutrition is dangerous so please consider it. Even though I don't comment much I do read often and I worry about you.
from aryssa90 :
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time right now! You know you can always leave a note for me if you want to talk :) Cuddle your kitty cat, pets always make me feel better.
from atwowaydream :
thank goodness for kitty cats. :::hugs:::
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you're feeling down! We here at eland love you and are here for you! I hope you feel better soon <3
from atwowaydream :
i hope you find the cutest hermit crabs in all of the world. and enjoy yourself with reckless abandon. California sounds perfect for what you're looking for.
from deflective :
Thank you :)
from atwowaydream :
I can very often relate to your entries, as I'm struggling with a form of agoraphobia myself. Amazon is like this huge candy shop for the housebound, and you're right, it does feel better to know that I'm not alone. Many hugs to you, love.
from enurta :
thank you so much for your kind words <3
from aryssa90 :
How did the wedding go?
from atwowaydream :
"tonight, i want to give it all to you. . .. " LOVE that song. Thank you for introducing it to me.
from atwowaydream :
Yay! Ears with feet. The whole lot of us.
from aryssa90 :
YAY! Progress is always awesome :)
from raven72d :
Congratulations on graduation!
from raven72d :
I like that! And I like reading your entries...
from raven72d :
Pet plants? I like that idea.
from atwowaydream :
I miss those days, too. just so you know, you are definitely not alone. i deal with very similar things on a daily basis, and all of it is exhausting to the point of. . . apathy. many hugs.
from raven72d :
I liked what you had to say about the need to write.
from aryssa90 :
Thank you so much for your kind notes. They have really made me feel better and it is so much better than hearing what my family members have said. Your support is very appreciated! I hope you are doing well and that we both enjoy our year off :)
from aryssa90 :
you should totally do that! no one will love you more than you should love yourself, so being engaged to yourself would be awesome :) Maybe you should propose to him? That's how I did it, then after he got the ring he proposed to me.
from enurta :
thank you so much for the note. but what I meant with 'I am my illness' is that without medication, I am not myself, the illness just swallowes me up completely. I stop being Enurta.
from musikoid :
Just stopping by to say I really appreciated your note to Enurta. Social workers and psychiatric clinicians are always treating me as though I am an idiot or a simpleton, just because I happen to have been given a psychiatric diagnosis. I try to avoid those kinds of people whenever possible.
from illusionless :
Happy Birthday!
from aryssa90 :
Happy Birthday! That's 3 birthdays I know of on this day :)
from deflective :
Congratulations!
from aryssa90 :
I'm so glad things went well for you! You should be so proud of yourself and I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
from aryssa90 :
I am so proud of you! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!
from aryssa90 :
I hope everything gets better in the future. Perhaps once graduation is done you can have a peaceful period. Taking people out of your life who mistreat you is a great thing to do, although it can definitely be difficult. I wish you all the best and I hope that while we don't communicate frequently, you will still check in to let me know you are okay.
from deflective :
Hey, I mean just as little to my own mother, and after all this time I learned that she is so mean and spiteful out of jealousy. I'm the only university graduate and medical professional in my family, and it bugs the hell out of her, especially that I did it all without her support or help. I bet your mother looks at your accomplishments and feels insecure and is taking it out on you. You don't need her, you can build a whole new life for yourself and mean the world to whoever you choose to have in your life. You have your whole life ahead of you now. As long as you remember this, it gets better in time. I let go completely of my uncaring, hurtful mother years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. Take care xoxo
from aryssa90 :
Please do not do anything to hurt yourself. I understand how completely devastating it can be to not have your mothers support. Is it possible that something keeps her from realizing the amazing person you are and the completely awesome achievements you've done? Something psychological perhaps? You have achieved more than most people I know. While we do not know each other in person, I feel that I do know you from reading your diary and I am extremely proud of you. You are amazing and as I have said before, if you ever need to talk, please do not hesitate to contact me.
from aryssa90 :
Complain away! It doesn't matter how much you complain as long as you get your stuff done :)
from atwowaydream :
I wish you all the best luck with feral little kitty. I came on diaryland tonight feeling a little shitty, and now I'm leaving feeling like maybe there is some good in the world.
from aryssa90 :
Sorry for the return of the stomach pain! It's funny how our lives/relationships run so parallel! I too keep seeing people get pregnant/married/engaged and I jsut want to get engaged. Like you said, I would happily be engaged for awhile :) Here's hoping we both get our wish!
from raven72d :
Love the Chekhov quote.
from deflective :
I would love some natural anti-bite cream, unfortunately I have never seen it in stores.
from aryssa90 :
Have you ever written him a letter? Sometimes I have a hard time explaining what I'm feeling so I write Bill a letter telling him things I have a hard time saying or don't know how to say. You deserve to be happy, remember that.
from enurta :
thanks for adding me <3
from atwowaydream :
I went through something very similar just a couple of years ago. I know it's more than just hard, it's frustrating and exhausting and seemingly hopeless. Without insurance, everything sucks. Maybe an opening will come up, or you can ask some of these psychiatrists if they have any friggin' alternatives. You are really very much in my thoughts and prayers.
from aryssa90 :
If you ever need to talk I'm here. Please take care of yourself and take a break if you really need one. It's better to put things on hold and take care of yourself than push yourself too hard for too long. Just remember that there are people here for you and who care about you. Alyssa
from aryssa90 :
I hope you are doing better!
from xnamehere :
i'm so sorry about the missing drive. i'd be devastated too. don't think anything less of yourself though, everyone forgets things from time to time, even the best of us. i hope whoever has it returns it. don't fret, i don't think anyone dumb enough to steal it would have the smarts for identity theft. *hugs*
from atwowaydream :
I can't shoot you, darling, but I offer you delta waves. Also, totally can relate to the having to meet people at various places when I'm with my partner. I usually speed walk my way into like, the baby food aisle.
from aryssa90 :
I can totally empathize with you about the societal expectations. It's such a small town that whenever bill and I go anywhere we always run into people he knows. So now whenever we leave the house I have to get ready which annoys him but I don't think he understands how much I hate getting caught off guard with meeting new people, especially when I look like a slob! I hope things get better and you need to get more sleep! I find that a good night's sleep helps me deal with most of the other crap going on.
from lostasyou :
I just clicked on you and read your about me and I would like to read more when I have time, so I am going to add you.. hope you don't mind x
from aryssa90 :
ha, maybe we should indeed. As upset as I get, I know I will most likely not break up with him about this issue. I don't want kids so, it's not really like marriage is necessary but it is something that I want. :/
from atwowaydream :
ready to add me to Facebook?
from atwowaydream :
Beautiful entry, you beautiful girl. And you will see California again, you really will.
from atwowaydream :
email me at inlethaldoses@aol.com or send me your email, darlin'.
from atwowaydream :
i mainly just wanted to thank you for all of the sweet notes about my Hailey. it meant a lot to me. so, thank you so much.
from aryssa90 :
I'm headed to Los Angeles on Saturday! I'm bringing Bill, it will be his first time. I hope I make some time to take him to the beach, it will only be his first time seeing the ocean and his first time seeing the Pacific. We are also looking forward to laughing at the California people freezing in 65 degree weather! I'm glad you filed a complaint, it's good to stand up for yourself. I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
from aryssa90 :
so sorry to hear about the house. That is really disgusting behavior and I'm sorry you have to endure it.
from catsoul :
Congratulations to you and your mom about the house. I hope that the process goes smoothly, and the repairs to the beam are superficial. Make sure you get more than one estimate. What a way to end 2011 and to begin 2012. Take care. =^..^=
from aryssa90 :
I'm so so SO happy for you!! I'm hoping and wishing that every goes according to plan and you get a home! Coming from a home where we either lived with my grandparents or rented crappy apartments, I know how elated I was to move in with Bill and finally get a home of my own. My thoughts are with you and you have to let us know when everything goes through.
from aryssa90 :
I'm so happy he told you he loved you! I'm doing a little happy dance for you :] I am of the opinion that we BOTH need rings, let's kick our boyfriends in the butt and get that going.
from fuckxthis :
; ) (23rd october 2011)
from aryssa90 :
Oh no! Keep us updated, I hope they figure it out. Feel better, one day soon (hopefully) you'll be able to enjoy pizza and mac n cheese and wraps again :)
from atwowaydream :
It's awesome and courageous that you went, even though you weren't feeling well. I really am hoping they get this ulcer thing figured out and you can eat pizza and mac n cheese again without any problems. I send hugs.
from aryssa90 :
They gave my Cipro, I had never taken it before and it seemed to work great. I love zithromax, I used to take it a few times a year because I got frequent sinus infections, if I end up going to the Dr. tomorrow perhaps I will ask him for it. Thanks for the note :)
from aryssa90 :
i'm glad things are going a bit better for you, in the boyfriend area and in feeling better about people being rude to you. You don't deserve that and I never understand why people are so rude and immature, especially when they aren't provoked. But at least you know it's because those are just miserable people and they act that way towards everyone and not just you! My throat is feeling A LOT better now. It was disgusting to look at my throat but now it looks better as well. I still get really tired during the day and when my ibuprofen wears off I get a sore throat and a fever occasionally but I have 10 days left of those pills so hopefully that will be done before then. I didn't know you had Amish ancestors-you have such a rich history and it's so wonderful that you know so much of it. I wish my family knew more of their history, we only know up until around my great-great grandparents. Apparently they were gypsies so, I'm assuming they didn't keep detailed records. And my grandmother on my dad's side was adopted so she doesn't know too much. I'm glad you updated, I always enjoy your entries.
from aryssa90 :
thank you for the note :) It did turn out to be a strep throat and an ear infection, but a small one. It is definitely unbelievably painful, I don't really remember the last time I had it and I have definitely never had it this badly before. He gave me a shot of penicillin and prescribed me antibiotics, isn't it a bit odd he did both? Oh well... How are you feeling? Better I hope :)
from atwowaydream :
you could never be a waste of anything. even if you are years behind, you still got past it, and believe me, i know how hard that shit is. i send you love from Virginia. and i talk crap about ipads all the time (partially because i'm jealous) and if someone deleted me because of my opinion. . . good riddance to them.
from aryssa90 :
I hope things get better for you. You are a beautiful person and your entires and your life are definitely not waste of time. I love hearing about your life and seeing how much you've overcome. You've inspired me over the past few years and you continue to do so. You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are special. Never forget that.
from aryssa90 :
hope you're enjoying student government! what classes are you in again? and this should be your last year before your associates right?
from atwowaydream :
i hope your tummy is feeling better. and you're so awesome for keeping an eye out for the stray kitties.
from aryssa90 :
hope you get to a real doctor! we need you in tip top condition. I'm sorry your boyfriend is still acting like that, have you tried bringing it up with him? Most of the time I feel as if I have no one to talk to either. At least we have diaryland haha.
from aryssa90 :
Glad to hear your boyfriend is being a bit more affectionate. I am worried about your health, I was just thinking about you the other day so I'm glad you updated. I hope you feel well when term begins! Keep us updated and take care.
from aryssa90 :
please do continue to keep us updated, it sounds very severe. I hope all goes well, my thoughts are with you.
from atwowaydream :
you have a very pretty heart.
from pathofruwen :
That does sound worrisome, but try to stay calm. You know stress makes things worse. I hope it's just a simple bad reaction to one odd thing you ate. Do keep us posted. We're thinking of you.
from aryssa90 :
I hope you're okay! Please keep us updated, sending positive thoughts your way!
from atwowaydream :
What you did for those little kitties is absolutely beautiful. I really wish there were more people in the world like you, and less of those like your cranky asshole neighbor.
from journalmine :
I can relate to doing everything as right as you can and still being crapped on or just running into really bad luck like some unseen force is out to screw with you no matter what you do. You did the best you could with the kitties. The one we have I rescued from the road one night. She was only a handful, and there was no mama or siblings anywhere in sight. - - - You know, I'm starting to wonder if 90% of grandmas become a certain brand of bitchy as they get older. Mine has done the "you run up my bill" with family members before, whether or not they're paying their own way. Sit with her, talk to her, call her, write her . . . yet "no one ever keeps in touch." All that sort of thing. I hope I'm not like that when I'm an old grandma!
from aryssa90 :
You are a beautiful and unique person. Don't ever let anyone make you feel as if you don't deserve to be loved because you do. He doesn't know what he's missing out on and his behavior is ridiculous. You deserve someone who will love and respect you and who will in turn, show his love to you. I understand how hard it is to put yourself out there and be so rejected by someone you love...it's heart wrenching. Do what you think is best for yourself, but realize that you deserve someone who will love you *all the time*
from atwowaydream :
I really don't know what to say. My heart and prayers are with the entire Western area. And with you.
from aryssa90 :
great job! You should be so proud of yourself, you are such an artistic and creative person. It's wonderful to hear about someone bringing beauty and meaning into the world.
from aryssa90 :
glad to see an update! I hope you're doing well, despite the depression. Don't let the heat get you down! If you need someone to talk to, I'm here :)
from scullerymaid :
Thanks for the note! I really appreciate it
from atwowaydream :
:::hugs::: No AC really sucks, and I'm sorry to hear about all of the stuff you're dealing with. You can get through school though, you're too intelligent and determined not to. We all have our down days or weeks, and it's okay to feel that way. As long as you get back up again, sweetie.
from aryssa90 :
sorry to hear things aren't going well for you...perhaps your boyfriend is going through more than just school? either way, don't ever feel like you can't or shouldn't voice your needs. just try to remain hopeful, things will work out in the end, eventually. and if you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me :)
from aryssa90 :
glad things seem to working well for you. it would be nice to read some of your creative writings, if you are comfortable with that of course! As far as the bf thing goes...it can definitely be frustrating to not hear it, but hopefully he will say it eventually. while i believe showing it and having a partner who acts like they love you and who treats you well is more important than someone who tells you they love you but acts in the opposite fashion, i still think it's an important thing to hear (and to say). Hope it all works out for you!
from aryssa90 :
thanks for the pics, they looked disgusting. good job! haha :)
from aryssa90 :
school seems to be going really well for you! it wuld be cool if you could take pics of some of your make up work and post them, it'd be nice to see what you're doing there :) dont worry too much about your boyfriend's grandma...it can be difficult to always get along with your boyfriend's family, especially a member he is so close with. jealousy happens in both sides. just try not to let it hurt your relationship with your boyfriend right now, focus on the time you both have together. hopefully she will come around since really, she likes you. she just needs to get used to the idea of sharing him on a more permanent basis. hope all goes well with your finals etc! take care
from aryssa90 :
glad to see you're writing again! It's great that you're taking such diverse classes this semester. Learning is amazing :) I fear that the enjoyment I used to get from it is fading. instead, I just feel burnt out.
from aryssa90 :
hope you're alright...a quick update would be nice, to let us know how you're getting on!
from aryssa90 :
If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I'll try to help in any way I can, even if all I can do is listen. Things will not always be this bad.
from atwowaydream :
I hate that you're in this predicament, and I've been in a similar one before, and I know how anxiety ridden it is. You're right about the government; they blanket us all into safe little categories that won't intrude on Ordinary People.
from aryssa90 :
I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. Please try to update and let us know you are okay.
from aryssa90 :
Keep your head up! Try to be positive, you can do anything you put your mind to.
from atwowaydream :
I think we all have a once in a lifetime friend like P. . .and we always want to keep them forever, but they are always writhing in their own tragedies. Maybe send him something that would make him smile, like a 24 Jack action figure, or something during that special time in your life that only you and he would understand. I know how hard it is to make true friends, and I can tell how much he means to you. But he sounds like he's worth it.
from aryssa90 :
I'm so sorry about P. I hope that someday he'll realize what a great friend he has in you, and will reach out to you. Perhaps one day you guys will take walks again. It may take awhile for that to happen; it's devastating to lose someone so close to you, as I know you are aware. I hope P will be okay. As for school, personally you're such an inspiration to me. Seeing you struggle so hard to get this education when so many things are working against you is amazing. You are an amazing person. I know it is disheartening and frustrating that you're working so hard and there are so many roadblocks, but I think you should take a step back and see how far you've come in the last few years. Look at how much you have accomplished. Most people wouldn't even bother. Most people who have every opportunity handed to them and full health don't bother. You're a semester behind because of this class, but you're working towards it. I truly believe you can do anything you set your mind to. I have truly appreciated reading this journal. So even though you're going through a rough time, especially now, and you feel frustrated and hopeless, remember that you're an amazing person, and although we've never met, and speak only through notes, you have a friend in me.
from aryssa90 :
one day your dreams will come true. Don't be disheartened. You're an amazing person.
from neuroenigma :
If you can stand up in front of your class for three minutes and talk about yourself, you can do anything. You are extremely courageous. Try not to let the fear become more than what there is to be afraid of.
from aryssa90 :
I hope it comes true for you. Waiting usually pays off :)
from aryssa90 :
It was so nice to read your update! I am very happy for you and your bf :) I've been with mine for 2 years and he doesn't publicly do the gf thing either, so I hope he does that soon! Gah, I'm happy for you! It was also nice to read something from someone who was kind of in the same situation as me, with the whole bf thing, it's nice to not feel so alone in that regard. I'm glad you had a great time on your trip. You really should learn to swim! Swimming in the ocean just makes you feel so...free. Hope to hear more from you soon!
from aryssa90 :
We'll both be in Hollywood, yay! Be safe during your trip and have a great time! P.S. The impersonators may be mostly gone, on the news last week it said the LAPD was making most of them leave, I'm not sure if it was permanent though. Take care!
from atwowaydream :
your journal is beautiful. i think you have the strength to rise up and over your disorders. i'm certainly trying to outsmart mine.
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Just keep reminding yourself that you are smart and beautiful, because you are :] The rest of your life will fall into place. It can be frustrating and hard sometime, but focus on the good parts.
from aryssa90 :
Hope you're doing well. Haven't heard from you in awhile :) Best wishes!
from aryssa90 :
I'm glad I could offer you a small, humorous moment in light of the tragedies that are finals :) Hope you're having fun at your banquet! And you're gonna rock it, don't fret :)
from lobo21 :
Hi. Sounds like your life is getting to be as rough as the weather. Hoping it settles down and looks a lot better soon. Take care.
from lobo21 :
A hearty thanks. They were driving me crazy and for your efforts I am grateful. I have wandered by now and then and if you don't mind I would say I'd like to come this was more often. Take care.
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you feel that way. just remember that it's nothing you did. Sometimes people just need their space. Chin up, spam killer :)
from aryssa90 :
haha, i always find it weird when someone talks to me in the bathroom! I think sharing a bathroom in general is my least favorite part of living in a dorm, not to mention the people talking to you part!
from aryssa90 :
It's funny you wrote this today/yesterday (well not funny...ironic maybe?). I just had this kind of emotional breakdown with my boyfriend last night about how I feel totally lonely and how, with his exception, I have pretty much no friends. There are people I see at school that I know but, like you said, I can't just call someone up and talk. I think it's something everyone goes through...I hope it ends, for both of us. And the fear of abandonment...I have the same fear. I've never really seen a healthy, functioning relationship so giving myself completely and trusting in someone is really hard for me to do. And even as I'm trying to open up to him more and be open with my bf, there's always that nagging thought of "what am I going to do if we break up?". But, I have to remind myself that we're together now and that if I keep thinking about breaking up with him, it's eventually going to happen, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't let the roommate have that effect on your relationship. Don't condemn your relationship to failing. Because, while the break up seems terrifying and you know that if it happens it will be devastating, think of the positives, like how happy and satisfying your life will be if you do stay together. Take care :)
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Just 8 more weeks, I know it feel like forever right now but you can do it!!
from aryssa90 :
of course! aryssa 90 and then locked20 I hope you've been well!
from aryssa90 :
Yeah, I mean religion isn't always bad. I think it's good to believe in something. And I know there are those who don't act that that, it just seems that most of the people I know who go to church aren't really that great of people. And if I had done something like suggest going to a Sex Store, they would have acted all pious and talked to me about God and how their parents would be so upset or whatever. It's the double standard that makes me the angriest. I was raised Catholic but I haven't been to church in ages. I think God loves everyone who leads a good life. And he accepts that we're not always going to be perfect. But, that's just what I think.
from aryssa90 :
thank you for your note. It's nice to see someone is reading and that they actually care! I did go to the dr. and he referred me to a gyno if it doesn't end in a few days. Otherwise, I'm perfectly healthy and it's just a really long period for some reason. I'm sorry about your computer virus! I hope you get it fixed and that things at school become easier for you. Take care
from aryssa90 :
It's nice to see an update from you!
from aryssa90 :
hey! I'm glad you're having such a great time! I'm in California too, in Santa Clarita, only about 20 minutes away from Hollywood. I've been reading you for over a year and we're actually in the same state now lol, that's pretty cool.
from aryssa90 :
i'm sure you will both work it out! try to have a good christmas :) you're in love and that's something alot of people don't have.
from aryssa90 :
Trust is a wonderfully frightening thing. There's this kind of cheesy quote i always think of, something along the lines of "Love is giving someone the power to hurt you but trusting them not to". Anyways, it's silly I know, especially when love is so much more than that. It took me a long time to trust my guy friend and even now sometimes I get a little panic-y. I think it's wonderful you've found someone to share your life with and who makes you feel comfortable and secure. I come from California too and although my background is not as involved as yours, I never realized how different it is from other places. I've had to visit there twice since I moved in August and really, I understand what you meant when you were describing it. More so for me, I feel as if I'm going back to a time and place where I was a different person, even though I haven't been gone from it for so long. Anyways, I hope you have a great trip, if you are willing I'd love to see some pictures, my hometown Santa Clarita is only about 30 minutes from Hollywood. If you have the time and you enjoy cupcakes, I recommend Sprinkles cupcakes in Hollywood. :)
from aryssa19 :
thanks for your note. yeah, Us Bank is horrible. I only got them because they didn't have my bank in the town I moved to. So, I noticed you like "The Little Prince". The quote you have up there is one of my favorites but, do you think the love he had for the rose was better than the love the fox had for him? It's something my boyfriend and I discuss.
from aryssa90 :
glad you had a good Halloween! the costumes do sound super cute!
from aryssa90 :
hope things get better for you!
from aryssa90 :
im sorry thats happening. maybe he's going through something personal that he doesnt want to talk about? either way he shouldnt be treating you like that. maybe give him some room and leave him alone for a few days? if you need someone to talk to, i dunno how much help i can be but im a good listener :)
from aryssa90 :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm a may baby too.
from errantnights :
29 is a pretty old age, comparatively. I hope you don't become all crotchety now.
from journalmine :
HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY! "29" is a pretty special year. I hope you enjoy it! :-)
from errantnights :
Tuesday as in today tuesday, or seven days from now tuesday?
from errantnights :
indeed
from achmardi :
St John's College? I almost went to the Annapolis campus, and one of my friends must have graduated at the same time (from the SF campus). Goodness, I'm finding Johnnies everywhere, despite how small the school is. Anyway, completely random, but thought I'd say hello.
from aryssa90 :
thanks for your note. Im happy for you? And sad? Whichever one you wanted, I'm that.
from aryssa90 :
*crosses fingers* i hope you get it...its probably just late because you're so stressed out. Mine's been late twice since I've had my boyfriend and stressing about it just made me even later...I'm hoping it works out for you.
from famoustn :
Yeah, I'm constantly wishing for more hours in the day because I'm so caught up in work and school. It's horrible. Lol.
from famoustn :
Yeah. No problem. :) I was just looking through the people who were online and I read some of your diary entries and thought they were great. :)
from aryssa90 :
the community college system sucks. We call ours COCk. :)
from raen :
Shh. *looks around surreptitiously* It's me. I picked only the favorites among my . . . favorites :-) to add.
from errantnights :
yeah. :\
from errantnights :
what might that accomplish?
from aryssa90 :
glad you're better!
from aryssa18 :
i love zithromax, it usually makes me feel better in a jiff, I'm sorry you're still not feeling better, thats terrible! but I'm glad D's being so great for you during all this. you really deserve it.
from errantnights :
get better!
from aryssa18 :
oh no! i hope you get better soon. get lots of rest and keep us updated when you feel up to it! i'd like to make sure you're ok.
from aryssa18 :
hey i have a new diary. instead of 18 its 90 if youd like it. i really hope youre okay. just remember that youre not alone.
from aryssa18 :
oh my gosh what happened?! if you need anyone to talk to im here for you, i hope everyhting is okay
from aryssa18 :
happy holidays! glad to see youre writing again :)
from errantnights :
I am thrilled that your relationship is going so well... That is the type of thing that I live for
from aryssa18 :
glad you had a nice weekend :)
from aryssa18 :
thanks for your note. and things were great. but now theyre...not so great. hope things are going okay for you :)
from aryssa18 :
i still read your diary. and i'm very happy for you. You deserve happiness though I must say I'm glad you know that a boyfriend shouldn't be your whole life. My friends don't really get that. Thank you for your note.
from aryssa18 :
you are much better than those people. and honestly, i mean I've only read your diary on here but you are seriously one of the strongest people i have ever known. excuse my language but, fuck them. believe in yourself. p.s. hope your paper turned out alright.
from errantnights :
face
from aryssa18 :
thank you for the offer, and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here as well. I hope you are able to feel better soon , though i know it will not be easy. I can imagine how visiting with his parents was hard. Take care of yourself.
from aryssa18 :
hello, I'm very sorry about your friend Derrick. I'm sorry I didn't write anything sooner. A very close friend of my family died a few days ago too. I can empathize with what you're going through. It's very hard to lose a friend, especially when you feel as if you have so few and when they inspired you on a daily basis. I thought it was beautiful what you said, about him finally being out of the chair. And no matter how much someone wouldn't want you to cry, I think it's impossible not to. I think one of the only things you can do to make yourself feel better is to concentrate on the good and joy they brought into the world and to try and continue their work, much in the way that I think you will continue his. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.
from errantnights :
i was going to come on here and say 'you write to much for me to read at the sparse internet time that i have' but HEY look at that, you suddenly don't.
from errantnights :
never happy
from errantnights :
um, sure?
from errantnights :
i'm not going to lie for you
from errantnights :
well thought out isn't my forte. -- there's no reason why you should, except to be nice
from errantnights :
ARGHHHHSOJSf:LME.MDLHEGhgead;pwrbhpaeg44,g S:NG
from errantnights :
going to prove it. by adding me on the flickr
from errantnights :
but you're not.
from errantnights :
about the part where i am become a stalker. that was like, "i don't believe you: prove it!"
from errantnights :
i don't believe you
from errantnights :
nobody ever looks at it
from errantnights :
have you looked at my flickr?
from errantnights :
because new mexico is in like the bottom three of the united states
from aryssa18 :
hey. I understand missing someone to the point where sleep seems like the only tempting alternative. Scary about the black widow...I was randomly thinking about those pictures today...*shivers*
from errantnights :
Whenever I am trying to make something happen and it doesn't happen I get frustrated, and then when I finally get it to work I jump immediately up and run into the living room, clapping or waving my hands and shouting something like "I am the champion! I am the champion of all the world!"
from catsoul :
Wow you have alot of events happening in the next few weeks. I know that you will do just fine, I am sure people have said just don't overthink it all. I don't like that when people tell me stuff like that. I say, I can overthink it all I want to, if and when I want to. Anyhoo, take care and just do what you feel comfortable doing. =^..^=
from errantnights :
a few minutes after I wrote it I thought, "I should go back and edit that. I should put 'I don't even like it that much.'"
from realmlore :
Yeah, I figured that out earlier, too, and had to take sitemeter off all my sites. I wonder what happened.
from errantnights :
I never did any such thing, and I resent the implication.
from catsoul :
Thanks for the compliment about the tats. It sounds like you have your writing work cut out for you. I am so sure that your essay will be great. Take care. =^..^=
from aryssa18 :
im sorry. i wish i was there. "there" doesn't look so bad right now as i technically ran away from home last night and might possibly have been kicked out since my mother is refusing to answer my phone calls. But just know how wonderful you are and how brave you are. I wish i was half as brave as you are. W doesn't know what he had. He was an idiot and pardon my language and harsh judgement but he seems like a complete asshole. You deserve more than he would ever have been able to give you. I have faith in you :)
from aryssa18 :
im locking up for a few days. long story short...my mom is crazy about the internet and doesn't want me to have any kind of social interaction een through cyberland. ill unlock it in a day or two, its just a precaution. :) love your notes.
from errantnights :
I am only good at writing dialogue. I have this book all written, in my mind. I can see the scenes, but to turn that into written word means I will either write too much or, alternatively, not express every nuance - every small bit of this poetic gestalt. If I had robot actors, I could be a famous movie director.
from errantnights :
sorry for not adding you. the good news is you're in good company.
from aryssa18 :
hey. Thanks for your note back. I'm terribly shy in most cases so its hard for me to articulate my thoughts. It isn't even that ibreally like you diary, but that I am on awe of how beautifully you write. Also, while ILO am unable to wholly empathize with you, I have some level of indestandong, especially when you discuss how everyone you love ends up leaving you. I'd love to charbwith you more so... If you'd like you can add my to a messenger. But only if you'd like. Take care :)
from aryssa18 :
Hey....so unless you have alot of anonymous fans, I'm the girl that's been reading your entries. lol. How embarrassing...I swear I'm not some stalker girl, I just really like your entries. :) So yes, my name is Alyssa. I'm 18. And I love your journal.
from smashthegas :
As a former drug addict - though I was never in prison - I can sympathise with both you and your old man for what you are going through. Perhaps you will get to, if not make peace, then at least reach an understanding before it is too late. Smashxxx
from rana-kane :
Same thing has happened to me. Big meaningful entry - *crickets*. One single profane word - crowd-bringer. *shrugs* I love your entries.
from rana-kane :
Very interesting stuff in that 1908 book. Wow. Even considering all the things (dangers) they didn't know about, I bet they'd be better survivors in certain situations than we are today. We're spoiled on technology in this age.
from errantnights :
Have you ever been to Las Vegas in NM? I drove through once and stopped to get a picture (and gas) because i prefer having one of me in front of that sign better than having one of the 'real' las vegas sign(s). It's odd -- you write about your, uh, problems, and I think to myself "that sounds like me!" except I also have more problems, where I don't care about things, so they all cancel out.
from catsoul :
I will write it again. I like the detail in which you right. I get to know and understand your insightfulness of yourself and the people that are in your life. In life it doesn't matter the number of friends you have, it is the quality and trust you glean from them. Acceptance of one's self, just how they are is a big step to true happiness and joy. Anyhoo, you have a good day. =^..^=
from errantnights :
So, what was the first thought?
from crystalcb :
I don't know how I got on here but I am having isues and need someones opinion on what to do so if you read my latest entery and have any ideas thats great if not sorry for bugging you and thanks anyways
from smashthegas :
And happy belated birthday!! I'm sorry I missed it :-D
from smashthegas :
Hey I randomly got here through some clicking on the d*land page, heh. And for the record, SLayer are my favourite band heh (I saw the note below and guessed it had something to do with the new d*land layout at the time) but hey, I make no apology for that *grinz*
from catsoul :
Hi, I see that you like the author Anis Nin. I have read all of her work. Also Happy belated Birthday to you. Time does seem endless and then one morning you wake up and hey, you are whatever age you want to be. I still feel so young sometimes and I am 52. Anyhoo, just wanted to leave you a note, since I read a few of your enteries. Take care. =^..^=
from errantnights :
Imagine this with the most non-abrasive tone possible: How can you not get an A in philosophy?
from hissings :
that was sweet of you to wish me a happy birthday. thank you! :)
from hissings :
username: wannabe password: sedated really enjoyed your most recent entry... cheers!
from wench77 :
Hey there! thanks for visiting! So GLAD I could provide a group feeling thing about the new diaryland look. Maybe I should send a note to all the ones i quoted to say, "come look, you are not alone!" Andrew wrote me and said they are "still working on things" hah. You are totally right in your assessment in your saturday entry. Now someone will of course come around and say "what's WRONG With Slayer and guys?" LOL! It just seems that when it is for EVERYONE it shouldn't be so depressing.
from pbmario :
thruthecrowd@diaryland.com returned my e-mail... got another?
from fallenorra :
sorry I wasn't able to wish you a happy birthday earlier hun. I really hope you start to feel better. *hugs*
from thruthecrowd :
note to self: happy birthday
from fallenorra :
Hey hun, it was nice to see a new entry from you. I've been gone (not on-line) for a while due to my injuried hand and being ill from the medicine I am on. Take care. *Hugs* Kimme
from caged-freed :
awesome, thanks. I was trying to remember your new username here, but my mind was fried. hope things are well with you.
from fallenorra :
Thank you hun. Yeah it was cold here on my b-day as well. It was around 50 degreed the entire day and the rest of the week was chilly. Some kind of fluke I would guess.
from fallenorra :
Good luck on your midterm hun. I am sure you will do great!!!
from kittiefan17 :
lol. I took that same survey and got the same exact result! Too bad my basement's too nasty to hide in=(
from chilindrina :
PS: don't kill yourself, I love yoooou!!!!! :)

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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