messages to valeofenna:
(click here to add new message):

from caged-freed :
Hey, this is just a note to let you know that I'm trying to resurrect C.A.G.E.D. - and I really hope you'll contribute. Check out the updated info, and take care!
from wordsofmine :
Thank you for such nice words about my writing. I do hope you stop by once in awhile and keep me posted as to your well being. Other than that, go out there and have fun.
from chilindrina :
no!! I am going to miss you so much! I think it's good that you want to move on, though. You should never be stuck in the same place (as me hehe). You too deserve happiness. I'd love it if you came and visited a few times =) good luck sweetie {>
from chilindrina :
oh sweetie I'm so so sorry... I'm sending you millions of internet hugs!!!
from fallenorra :
Hun you seem like you need a nice big hug. *HUG* Your entry made me cry. In a way I know what you mean with what you are and dreaming of something else.
from fallenorra :
I wish I could have plants. I'm so bad with them. I couldn't even take care of a plant my soroity gave me before I left. I had a betta for a year. They are nice fish. I had a afrian jumping frog with the fist. They get along pretty well. I hope you're day is going well.
from fallenorra :
I had a CAT scan a few years ago and I had to drink that Bannan Smoothie stuff as well. I had to drink about a bottle and a half. It was gross as you can imagine. I'm glad to see you post again.
from panickygal :
Hi! I just noticed you haven't been posting lately, and I hope everything is okay. Take care! - Dee
from fallenorra :
Good to hear that you did goo being outside today or i guess yesterday. hehe *hugs* Fallen
from fallenorra :
Aww hun I had simular things as you did. My stomuch didn't swell, but I had horrible pains and no one knew what was wrong. I had tons of test and missed a lot of school. Eventually they left it with ti's just stress getting to me. So I know how you feel with this pain. I hope it gets better. *hugs* Fallen
from aucrepuscule :
I loved hearing about your Christmas! I hope you didn't feel too discouraged or lonely though. That's always a horrible thing to feel, but even more so on holidays when intimacy is expected and most of the time unfulfilled; I've been there. Oh, and I forgot to tell you thank you for adding me to your favorites. Thanks for being so nice. :) I hope your wish comes true, miss.
from fallenorra :
Nah you're not the only one who's 20 and likes stuff toys. I have one that I love and sleep with nightly.
from fallenorra :
I just thought I'd leave you a note in saying that I hope that you had a good day since it is your day. Fallen
from fallenorra :
I kno w how you feel about having someon try to find out what's going on with you and how it doesn't feel right. I had my boyfriend like that when he found out about my depression and self-injury. It wasn't easy to deal with, but he did it because he was worried and love me and I'm sure that's what Josh is doing is the same reason. ~*~Fallen~*~
from chilindrina :
You're welcome =)
from panickygal :
Just think, the weekend is almost over. Well, here where I live it is over. So, I'm sending you a great big smile :D (see my pearly whites?), a great big hug, and I'm hoping the new week is so much happier for you. *Dee
from chilindrina :
LOL!!!! Hahaha I swear I didn't realize I deleted you... it's just that I updated it, but I didn't know I had deleted you... that's funny... well, I'm sorry about that...
from sanetwin :
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend :(
from eventhewind :
I'm a fan of sleep, really... but I truly despise those times when I seem unable to do ANYTHING else. ::sympathizes:: of course, I'm also a big fan of eating... and I know how easy it is to just close the fridge door, but... please pull something out of it first. a bit more often. oh the eats you can eat! really.
from eventhewind :
whoo! a trillion notes and who knows how many hours later, I am officially caught up. squoot! ...now, if only I could stay that way. hee hee. hope you get a little joy out of all this random responding of mine; I guess I'm feeling chatty today. it happens. :> take care!
from eventhewind :
I am *so proud* and excited for you about the every-Thursday thing. I know how scary it is to set goals, but usually anticipating them is worse than going through with it... not that I ever remember that when I have a new one, mind you. ;> I'm really proud of you for taking your recovery into your own hands, even though I hate hate hate hate hate that there isn't a supportive treatment opportunity for you right now. I can't tell you what I'd give to be there, as one of your less-safe-safe-persons... and/or just a friend. it would do a lot for me, too. but for now, I guess we'll just have to support each other long-distance. know I'm rooting for you from afar. ;) ...oh, and...I know it's really painful not to have the life you so badly want, and not to know if you ever will, but don't forget that what you have now is also a life. you are creating, you are relating to people, you are impacting the world, even when you don't realize it. please don't forget that. this precious-people thing's a two way street. :)
from eventhewind :
oh my gosh! that quote about no one making a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little? I so love that quote! I heard it for the first time when I was eight - I still remember where - and scribbled it down. something I now do regularly but did quite rarely then. so, yeay! also - "my blah was un-blahed" should be the new theraflu slogan. it's fantastic. :>
from eventhewind :
I see much more for you than a life as everyone's good memory. I wish I could convince you somehow that the distance and the isolation are not your fault; I know how difficult that is to believe. almost as difficult as believing it can change. I know that our struggles are different, but I was talking with my therapist today about how much easier it is to be optimistic now than it was just a little while ago... because I've finally gotten to a point where the things I'm doing look like they're leading somewhere, and I'm doing things I honestly thought I would *never* be able to do. I know you dream big dreams; I want you to dream that someday they'll be realities. and the only kind of love worth having is unconditional; there is no clause that keeps it away from those of us who struggle with mental illness. I know it's difficult to go so long without relationships, to not believe they can ever happen, and I know in some ways, it'd feel better to give up and stop hoping... but I'm finding the things with the highest stakes are the ones you have to keep working toward; they have the highest rewards. and I've noticed...they tend to be the things I really want. bEliEvE. xo
from eventhewind :
hey, we both voted for the first time (well, for you, the first time in person) this year, with the help of our respective mommies! sweet. :> I am quoting you on the packing popcorn and marshmellows for the afterlife thing. it made me grin...
from eventhewind :
don't mind me; I'm just monopolizing your notes section. :> ...rose garden! I adore that book. it's the closest thing to a biography of my life in my illness that I've ever found. speaking of which, I can't wait to read your autobiography. greedy girl I am, reading your diary is apparently not enough. :>
from eventhewind :
I'm lighting down in diaryland again (I still hate the breaks, but at least I catch up eventually) - and I had to say again you are an absolutely... incandescent being. I am so proud of you and am enjoying your words so much, as always. the eclipse I didn't see, your triumph on the greyhound bus. (talk about an adventure!) NM will be the place where you fully recover, and I'll be cheering you on just as you did the pigeons (and I do the squirrels. ;>)
from fallenorra :
I use to love listening to Andrew Boocilli(sp?). I can't remeber what songs I love, but I do remeber I would always listen to the tape my aunt made from one of his CDs. I also like Sarah Brightman. I loved her in Phantom of the Opera. I know it's a Broadway, but it's still beautiful.
from sanetwin :
my sister, a paranoid schizophrenic, has a hard time in the "stationary" aisle of stores as well for some reason. Although it's not so much the paper clips that disturb her, but the vast array of pens. She puzzles over why there are so many to choose from and wonders how the government is using it to control us. We try to avoid that aisle.
from fallenorra :
Thank you for the kind note. I really needed that today. It's hard to sometimes not feel like I'm a ghost or just don't exist. Thanks again. Fallen~*~
from eventhewind :
I am so buried in e-mail! aiy! :) thank you and welcome to all the diaryrings you joined! I really appreciate the support for caged... poor thing hasn't had entries in months. and as for the mr-rogers ring, there's no one in this world exactly like you - which is why it's so good to have you in the ring! (and y'know, in my life. ;))
from eventhewind :
hey, you joined the gettngbetter diaryring! go you! :) I am so behind in every aspect of my relational life it's ridiculous. I hope *so much* that we'll be able to catch up with each other soon. hugs for the meantime!
from evrybodyels :
hey, thank you for joinign my fairytales diaryring. i really love your diary! i really can understand what your talking about and it isnt all depressing. hearing about your love life really gives me hope for my own. i would love for you to check out my other working diary evrybodyels ~^~Penelope~^~
from chilindrina :
Hey I'm really happy for you, it's a beautiful feeling, isn't it?? I'm glad you gave yourself the opportunity to dream this way. I'm glad you're finding out what it is to see someone, to look at someone (or talk), and feeling just "it". (I'm sure you know what I mean). You have no idea how happy I am for you.
from wordsofmine :
Congratulations! Those are big doin's for sure.
from eventhewind :
of course I still exist! :> that's true regardless of how present I am at d*land... something I finally know, so make sure you know it, too! you can always leave me a note or send me an e-mail if I'm not showing myself enough; more often than not, that works. you are most certainly not alone. ...I'm still catching up with all that's gone on for you. and your ability to astound me with Santa Fe's beauty to the point I'd want to visit it continues to stun me. :> take care, e.
from valeofenna :
i wish myself all the luck in the world, of finding a new therapist. as well as getting to enjoy this city...
from valeofenna :
shit, had a brain burp *know
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: Don't get discouraged, people like you. They just don't don't they do.
from valeofenna :
note to self: shut up
from valeofenna :
note to d-landers: you're supposed to leave notes in here.
from valeofenna :
:)
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: Lessen the fear of rejection, lessen the fear of pain, live each day as well as you can, and above all be honest of what you want to learn, how far you want to reach, what you want to do, and who you want to be..and never let those things block your view...but never let them out of your sight...they'll build a pathway toward happiness...
from chilindrina :
you should look for them, they're great ;) (haha I'm such an idiot)
from chilindrina :
hahaha I like your notes to neuroses. It's funny.
from chilindrina :
thank you for that. It makes me smile :) Hey have you heard the two leaked Fiona's songs? Extraordinary Machine and Better version of me?? If so, do you like them??
from valeofenna :
Note to Neuroses: Thank-you
from valeofenna :
Note to Neuroses: Knock it off!
from wordsofmine :
Hey, good luck with the tests.
from raincityboy :
I don't know what I'm more surprised about, that someone read my entries or that someone actually found them entertaining. I've been on an online hiatus. Too much of your life out there can be a bad thing. Anyway, all these Olympic comeback stories are inspiring me to get back in the game myself. I may reintroduce myself under a different user name, but I'll let you know.
from wordsofmine :
Ooh, spitting watermelon seeds was such fun. I read your entry of yesterday and I know some of my astrology chart. I tend to live my life via the cycle of the sun and moon and feel they are right on. I share some of my astrological stuff with the psych doctor because of how I do live. He hasn't made fun of me yet and I believe he takes it in context. I, too, like living with a routine and become out of sorts when life intercedes into that. That said, in program it is said to have a plan but it doesn't mean I have to follow it exclusively. Yeah right! Thanks for writing about A.E. Houseman. Never heard of them and shall have to go look them up on Google. Do have a grand day.
from wordsofmine :
What a great entry. I didn't know you drew. I've never used charcoal. I'm thinking I need to have a sketch class to learn some basics. It's all trial and error at this point.
from wordsofmine :
Glad you like the new look. I do too. I have had fun today playing around and getting things to work.
from wordsofmine :
I'm glad you show up here and write about what's going on.
from panickygal :
I know you probably hear the typical saying over and over again: "Things will get better", "Keep your chin up", "Everything will be okay", etc.... And if you're anything like me you'd rather not hear it. You want to scream at people - "When will it get better? I want time, place and day!" You want to feel things get better instead of being pacified for the moment with basically meaningless phrases. So, I promise you I'm not going to say anything like that. But I do want you to know that when I read the first line of your latest journal entry, "I was sincerely considering committing symbolic diaryland no-entry suicide...", I felt fear. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I became worried that I wouldn't have the wise words of my friend 'E' to read any more. It's embarassing to admit, especially posting it where the whole world can see, but I think you need to hear it: reading your journal entries, even if you just talk about the weather, a beautiful sky, or a dazzling rainbow, I feel like I'm not alone. That even though we don't have exactly the same problems, I feel like there's someone out there that understands what it's like. So, I guess what I'm really trying to get at is thank you. Thank you for giving me something that I've really needed - your words. Tonight I'll be wishing on my brightest glow-in-the-dark star that good things come your way. And, if you ever need a friend in Ohio, I'm your girl. Take care. Dee
from mitfordgal :
I am soo soo sorry that your therapist stood you up. That is unforgiveable in my book and unprofessional to boot. I hope you won't let this stop you from getting help but maybe not from that person... considering she hardly apologized! Hang in there!
from wordsofmine :
You just hang in there kiddo. I have agoraphobia to some degree and know a little of what you speak. Do what you can, as best you can and that's good enough. Let me know what really hard questions you came up with. Finally after years, I found a psych doctor whom I've come to adore as he really does listen to me. At first I didn't like him much but he's proved himself a worthy doctor. May your's be as well.
from eventhewind :
I think the people who are really worth keeping around are the ones who love you because of who you are, not in spite of it. and that means they can love who you are - beyond the agoraphobia - while still understanding that it's a legitimate part of your life. for now. ...I was so thrilled to read all the lovely details of seeing your new therapist. Dirt road and doggy and in-the-chair-jig! I really hope she continues to be wonderful. and oh! guess what I have to do this week? (on top of everything). deal with apartment inspection! nooo! my room is so messed up, as my mom and I are currently cleaning through the apartment. she can do so and keep things looking fairly clean; I never learned that skill. so, yeah, that'll be fun. I don't even know which day they're coming. aig! but I'll survive. I just wish I'd see a rainbow afterward. :) how totally cool is your rainbow conspiracy?! mmm. sending you happy thoughts!
from supertechie :
'twas free fiberglass!
from eventhewind :
oh my gosh! I have two notes from you (I think it's two) that I so never knew were there. my guestbook's already stopped informing me, not my notes, too! erg! ...anyway, I'm behind (in reading journals - stupid distance from diaryland as of late) but I'll catch up soon, and in the meantime - I have all sorts of clues to your name I didn't know I had! squee! :>
from panickygal :
Hey - thanks for the sleeping suggestions. I have to agree with you that counting sheep really doesn't seem to work. Last night I tried it and actually got more irritated than sleepy. I started wondering why people always tell you to count sheep. I mean, why sheep? Why not frogs, ducks, dogs, deer, or some other animal? And, do sheep really jump over fences? Instead of falling asleep I had to resist the urge to get up and google my questions to get some answers. Tonight I'm going to try your 'imagine yourself in a foreign land' suggestion. Hopefully it works. Here's to those blissful zzz's we both so desperately need. *D*
from eventhewind :
so today I was out in the real world (and it sucked, and then didn't, and then did, and then did with a kind person, and then was over - ah, recovery) and anyway, I was looking for a blank book, and I came across a bunch of "monogrammed" ones - each with a single lowercase letter. I had an overwhelming urge to buy the 'e' one (I saw t,c, and e - that was it) for you, but alas, lacked the cash. I thought it was funny but decided against attempting to explain the whole saga to my mom. but yes. you were thought of in Dry Ice, the store that looks (with a few exceptions) like my eight-year-old imagination exploded. someday, I'm going to get a consonent out of you. :>
from eventhewind :
so good to read about your happy venture! :) I haven't seen a yucca in years, and now I'm pining for one... hee hee. your desert sounds beautiful. healing vibes to your arm.
from wordsofmine :
Ooh, I hate having to give blood. I swear those that do that kind of work have a bit of vampirism in them.
from eventhewind :
rock on! ::applauds for you::
from wordsofmine :
Don't worry about spelling with me. I'm just happy to get the note. If I'm not sure about a word, I'll come ask.
from wordsofmine :
How cool you are putting your art up on the wall. I did that with one of my watercolors and several of my photographs. It makes me feel good to see my creativity in real life.
from wordsofmine :
Hi there, sorry to read that you're having a rough day. Hang in there, this too shall pass. I'll say prayers for you to feel the strength of your HP and a willing heart to hear the words of wisdom you need.
from eventhewind :
oh, I wish I had the words. and I wish I had more than the words. because you're right; they aren't anything near enough. I don't want to give you sympathy, even though I do feel for you. I want to somehow help you have the life you deserve, be able to go out, be able to experience people, to experience yourself fully. I want that so much. and if I could box up my doctor and ship him to you, I would. (I'd probably have to come, too, but we could make it work.) because it's too frustrating to be doing everything right- to be fighting, to want it, to work, to keep hoping when hope just cuts you inside... and not get to see the progress. because other people aren't doing their jobs. it isn't fair. I can't fathom how courageous you are, how tenacious you are, having survived all of these years. and I still believe in you, in your life, in it being more than Havisham's. I imagine you with reason to sing "a heart full of love" and my own heart grows happier. so, yes. I cannot heal your wounds [even] with words of love... but I'll continue to believe, to have hope even when it's painful. and as for me, my own heart always stirs at the line "I've come home from so far"... and I'm not quite home yet, but I've found home along the way, and I was so far gone. so that's what I wish for us. that as far out as we've gotten (or as far in) we'll find home eventually. in the meantime, this too is a life. and I mean it when I say take care. (I mean it when I say I care, as well...)
from wordsofmine :
Thank you for the link to my site and I found the title of your site very insightful. Plus, I don't plan on voting for Bush either but then I didn't vote for him in the first place!
from valeofenna :
note to self: be happy that despite the fact that you are on medication--you do know how to pronounce your own name!! when feeling erased--remember this.
from eventhewind :
you need food! arg. I am so wishing I lived close enough to bring you some. I could just leave it on your doorstep or something. and then, once you had energy, there'd be the plus of we could actually hang out. because I'd be less than a zillion miles away. but seriously. if I knew anyone in Santa Fe, I'd call them now and make them deliver groceries. this sucks.
from eventhewind :
this might be uncharacteristically short, as I'm rather ill with migraine and need to lie down somewhat immediately. but I just wanted to say that 1) you made me want to see a Santa Fe sunset more than I can possibly comprehend, 2) I really, really want you to have good people in your life, and seeing as you deserve them and are working to have them, it's not silly for me to hope it happens soon; 3) I'm not at all happy with these stupid mental health worker people who keep making things worse for you; if I were tough, I'd lay the smack-down, seriously; and 4) I am really, really sad and angry and upset that you weren't even given enough to *eat* when you were a child. right now, you may be upset about all those other kids, and I understand that... but *I'm* upset about you. and I wanted you to know that.
from valeofenna :
feel better!
from eventhewind :
the crazy thing is - Little Mermaid being my favorite Disney movie growing up - I was thinking just the other day about that song... and how it seriously is the recovering-agoraphobic-theme-song. if that isn't exactly how I feel... and it's just *weird*! I mean... does someone out there feel this way about 'Prince Ali'? :>
from eventhewind :
the crazy thing is - Little Mermaid being my favorite Disney movie growing up - I was thinking just the other day about that song... and how it seriously is the recovering-agoraphobic-theme-song. if that isn't exactly how I feel... and it's just *weird*! I mean... does someone out there feel this way about 'Prince Ali'? :>
from eventhewind :
"Knowing that because I became ill, that someone who deserved to have a friend didn't get to have one and had to be alone." I know what you mean by this (the most meaningful part of my life is also people, and the thing I'm most proud of is the kind of friend I am) - but when I read it the only person I could think of was you. you who truly deserved to have relationships and didn't get to for 12 years. I'm glad you've seen wishes come true because I'm waiting for those ones regarding you (that you've made, that I've made, that various other people have made) to materialize. take care, bright eyes...
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: Regain consciousness NOW!
from panickygal :
Thanks so much for your note. I know it's probably odd how much those things mean to me. I'm sorry, though, that I wasn't up to date with your diary when your birthday rolled around. So, I'll say it now - Happy Belated Birthday. Here's hoping we both have great years. Dee
from eventhewind :
I just wanted to leave you a note because...gosh...it's been a few *days*! I'm sorry that you can't get out today; I hope you find something restful to do... also, someone called me - or my life, rather - "normal" (in a compliment actually) ... and it continues to upset me. I guess I want people to see this for as bad as it is, so we can see what's good for what it is (and, like you said, not take it for granted) - and not accept something like my life as the norm. I don't care how many people are mentally ill. this does not get to be the standard. that's my half-awake thought for the morning. also, sunburns are not all they're cracked up to be. tans are much better. so if you take your pale white skin out again soon, put some happy sunblock on it! :>
from eventhewind :
you are sweetish! that's so cute. ...glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. <3
from eventhewind :
I believe in you. ...and there's something my doctor has said to me a few times that I think of now and again. he says that, if you can't believe just yet that it will happen - that you really will make it through this and have a good life - *doubt* just the littlest bit that you'll fail. if you can't have faith, just keep working on doubt around what you don't want to be true, around what you don't want to believe, and maybe eventually, you'll clear enough room for the hope to settle in. I'm sorry it's been such a rough day. I believe you are sincerely trying to live, and I believe you will. for what it's worth.
from valeofenna :
Note to self: be happy when you can be, enjoy your own misery when you can't be, and share it with others when it all becomes too much...also, you really need to be *not* nice sometimes...
from panickygal :
Hi - Thanks for inviting me to read your diary. I'm about half way through and I can't wait until I have time to come back on here to read some more. I can't believe how much I've found myself identifying with a lot of the things you've written about. It's kind of relieving to know I'm not the only one ... You write very well and your writing has an enjoyable poetic feel to it. So, please don't stop. Thanks again - Dee
from perdiendome :
happy birthday! was it yesterday? then happy belated! i really liked what you had to say today... i will be hoping for great things to come your way. peace.
from mitfordgal :
Happy Birthday! All the best for the year ahead! I know I'm late but I do much, much better when I know someone's name and have their birthday on my computer! (Yes, that was a hint!) But I understand if you aren't ready to take that step.
from eventhewind :
you have had an incredibly productive year. and your hopes for the next one are inspiring. I look forward to witnessing. happy birthnight!
from valeofenna :
It's okay if you need to cry yourself asleep again this year...you have a lot to grieve over, so much didn't happen that you needed to have happen. that's what new birth years are for...to start new-to look forward to walking down a new path, one that may lead to you finding the things you didn't find the year before...just don't forget that, it's the most important part of healing.
from valeofenna :
*:D*
from eventhewind :
I would never be deleting *you*... still, I'm glad you set some stock in your so-called "useless thoughts." I'm glad you're getting something from diaryland; I certainly have. just have to be careful to only offer friendship ... I always want to do more. like solve it all. erg. would if I could, would if I could. I was too into mystery (books, television, etc) as a kid; I've gotten to thinking there's an answer I can always figure out... I do believe there's a solution. but the best I can offer is to be a friend while you find it. and while I find it. and so forth. take care, bright eyes. ;)
from eventhewind :
just a few quick things. I've been told (and am more peaceful when I believe) that in every relationship, each individual has the responsibility to set their own boundaries. so, if someone is busy or not in the mood to talk, it's their job to say so. not your job to avoid them just in case. that's a logic not everyone lives by - but I do live by it, so I can tell you now, you will know if I need space of some sort, for any reason. letting you (and everyone I have a relationship with) know that is part of how I make sure the relationship continues. gotta get those needs met. ;> the other thing: notes and guestbook entries can be deleted by the person whose note section/ guestbook they were left in... so if you ever wanted one deleted, you could ask. then again, I have a theory that the only person bothered by a typo is the one who made it. I know it sucks to be anxious, and you're working so hard to control everything so that you won't lose what little you have... at least, that's what it seems like to me. but in my experience, risking that control is the only way to get anything. but it's different when you have agoraphobia. you go slow, and you have each safe "corrective experience" understanding that you have a legitimate reason that it's not as simple as desiring to take the risk. at least, I think that's what I'm learning. I do know it sucks to be lonely. these people who don't respond to e-mail, who don't leave guestbook entries, or comments - what will we do with them? my friend Stacy says she has a mental disorder that keeps her from responding to e-mail with any speed. it's funny because she treats it like an actual illness... maybe that's what these other people need. or maybe a good dose of what it's like to be locked up in a world where the computer's the only thing that gives you new, personal information / communication. that might help them. then again, my goal is still to get out - like yours is... so... I guess I don't want everyone to be locked up when that happens. :) ...not so quick as I thought, but it never is. take care, Bright Eyes. I loved your story about the walk.
from valeofenna :
Try to enjoy the few days left of this birth year. And hope that the events and hopefully people you meet during the next year give you a reason to smile, to live, and help you to find a place in which to really feel like you belong, find happiness, and really someday matter to the world outside of the four walls of your room...
from eventhewind :
she actually told you to get used to it? what the fuck is that? OY. no. I don't care how long it's gone on - do not get used to it. get better. get real. get life. yes, it takes forever; yes, this sucks beyond belief; yes, getting better is incredibly hard and as yet I have no idea what I'm doing, but STILL... refuse to get used to it. I refuse. because as we both know, this SUCKS, and who wants to settle for that? here's to hope and the work to support it.
from mitfordgal :
Hi there... thanks for your note... it meant a lot to come into work today and read it! I appreciate the kind words! I'm just a little paranoid... but that doesn't mean that people aren't out to get me :0)
from valeofenna :
Try to be happy, people do like you, even if they don't know it yet.
from eventhewind :
I love that you leave yourself notes, though I'm sorry you don't get enough of those sentiments communicated from other people. lack of connection/ contact sucks. my birthday has seriously freaked me out the past couple of years, but I won't assume I know why yours leave you on edge. what are you dreading? and on a more traditional note - when the hell is it? you can't talk about your birthday and not tell a girl when it is. then I don't even have a chance of remembering it. ...hmm. there was something else. oh. this eating thing. what's up with that? does your anxiety interfere with your eating/ digesting? or/and do you have an eating disorder? obviously, you don't have to answer any questions you don't want to... I was just a little thrown by the references to it lately; I wasn't aware. and I'm always somewhat jarred by references to not getting enough to eat, not keeping things down, losing weight, and so forth. I have legitimate basis for freaking out (in general), which I counter by learning the specifics of the situation. but those specifics are of course, yours to share or not share. I just have to do the asking, for myself. and then figure out how to take care of me while I read your journal (not the first time, so don't worry about it.) take care, 'e.' :> (I have visions of uncovering your name one letter at a time... like a Wheel of Fortune puzzle or a Hangman game.)
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: "These goods for man the laws of heaven ordain; These goods he grants, who grants the power to gain; With these celestial wisdom calms the mind; And makes the happiness she does not find."�Samuel Johnson
from valeofenna :
you can feel little too if you need to.
from valeofenna :
Be happy, and also enjoy being acknowleged! You also really need to get rid of Agoraphobia, she's not a very good friend anymore, you want to dance-she won't let you. That sucks for everyone. To thine own self: remain happy and cut your damn nails. ::intrastate internet hugs to self::
from eventhewind :
hey, feel free to promote me anytime you want. :) I think it's just good for me to continue doing everything I can to remember that I am a person, in a body, with a name. (and don't even get me started on my curiosity around your secret one...) your most recent entry has me wanting to say so much. I relate to your Target experience so entirely. the sales girls, oy... that is what I want to say to them, exactly, and they are always blonde! (or maybe I'm just more scared of the blonde ones. I grew up with a lot of scary blonde girls around.) from there, well... I know what it's like to look at life through the same stupid window. and I know what it's like to have to turn down invitations for things I'd really like to do because the possibility of them, the anticipation, makes me feel sick. I know what it's like to jump on myself, afterward, to be so angry, so ashamed, to feel so stupid and ridiculous for not just doing the difficult thing. I think now that it's not about that... because I can do difficult things. I do them routinely. this one is a disease that I have yet to understand, a recovery I have yet to understand/ trust... and so it's still a problem. and in the meantime, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I want friends! I want dancing lessons! (well, maybe just secret ones in a friend's apartment. I have a frenzied, spastic thing going for me.) I want days in the park with little kids! I hate feeling like I'm the one in my way. I'm not. and as much as I wish neither of us were going through this, I am glad to read your words and realize this isn't me. I'm not alone. that's the sort of cliche I don't ever want to quit saying... gosh, there's more. what else. I think there's a far greater danger that our fear of what people might think will inhibit our lives. I can't imagine many adults who would hold what you did or didn't do in grade school against you... and the ones I can imagine aren't as good as you deserve. I believe that our choices make a difference, and I guess we really do all sift through those "what ifs"... and then start moving onto the what nows. I think our words make a difference also. I've seen them make a difference in my life... but I would be against taking all seemingly "negative" words out of our vocabularies. I think it's extremely dangerous not to be able to speak, to communicate what's really going on, and I think that with those words gone, identifying and communicating emotions and experiences would only be harder. that said, I go with the school that believes words can limit our experience of life. that in naming an emotion or event we minimize it. everything in life is so multi-faceted and unique and in our attempt to comprehend/ convey that experience, language can be a restriction. but I prefer to push at language, to push myself to describe life more fully, to nixing certain words. *that* said, I continue to make guidelines around my word choices so as to solidify or change my beliefs. I work to say things to myself and to others in a manner that implicitly and explicitly goes along with who I am, essentially, and who I'm striving to be. so my own (er) two (thousand) cents... restricting language would restrict expression and understanding, and since I don't think it could successfully do away with those things we use it to express, I think ultimately it's not the best route. also, I'm curious about the five definitions of love. maybe there was an entry about that I missed... wow. I just scanned through your entry again, and saw the questions about love. here, I was thinking I'd said everything I felt compelled to say in response. but I haven't. however, I think it's best to end this now, so I can get into my formal wear quickly enough to receive my "longest note ever written" award. take care; I'll continue to be around (and opinionated)...
from eventhewind :
holy wow. :) yeah, that one came out rather randomly. I experiment with words to follow holy in my exclamations - holy hippos, my cousin's "holy cabooses" et cetera. it was only after I wrote holy wow that I realized the holy cow correlation. but I much liked it as well. I found your line about the grasshoppers, and how you thought *you* had self-defeating purposes absolutely hilarious. ...and, hey, I meant to ask you. this is a weird request because, y'know, it's your journal - but would you mind calling me Mary instead of eventhewind? just b'cos, you know, it's my real name and everything, plus I guess I think of eventhewind more as a place than an identity. your call, but I'd appreciate it. :) until next note. take care. :>
from supertechie :
Hey... great list. It wasn't on your list of dances you want to learn, but I teach Viennese Waltz and other 19th Century social dances at the College. You might want to come sometime. Monday and Friday, ~10:15pm to about 11:45. St. John's College Great Hall (upstairs in the student center). Totally free, and lots of fun. If you want to come, email me, IM me, or guestbook me. Or hell, just show up. Keep in mind that we're almost out for summer, so you have this week and next week (until next fall). Hope to see you there, it really is a lot of fun.
from supertechie :
For some reason, my room gets ridiculously hot, no matter what temperature it is outside. Usually, it's about 20 degrees warmer in here. So believe me... it's WARM. While Fur Elise is nice, I tend to prefer the Eroica.
from mitfordgal :
Gee, all of you adding pictures to cyberspace... I wish I had a scanner... no seriously. As much as I hate the way I look, I love seeing what my friends look like even though I probably know them better from reading what they have written. Go for it!
from supertechie :
Damn straight... We ARE the best college in town. But you don't need to grovel.
from valeofenna :
NOTE TO SELF: continue groveling...and keep that dang word 'Hope' alive, dangit...Also, next time remember to bring the following items when going on local excursions: 1)sunscreen 2)hat 3)sunglasses 4) earplugs 5)jar for catching wild possibly poisonous creatures 6)a guy to fan you, like in 'Cleopatra' 7) your tiara. 8) Happiness 9)your brain 10) and Hope. And leave Agoraphobia at home...well try at least, even if just for yourself...
from supertechie :
Hmm... don't really think that your comments about the College are fair. There's a metric crapload of financial aid available... I wouldn't be able to attend if there wasn't. And really, we have very little crime here. It's a really big deal when something happens, reported or not.
from eventhewind :
:returns to continue her own conquering: ...we're the same colors? sweet! :) I completely understand about it being anxiety-provoking to suddenly be in a body. I'm actually nervous to look at a photo of an online-friend for the first time, and I was definitely nervous to post ones of myself. I mean, it's taken me...wow, it's taken me nearly 4 years to do this. so, yeah. but I'm working especially hard right now (I'm always working at it, but right now it's a priority) to be ok, personally, with the fact that I have/am/inhabit a body, so it seemed like a good thing to post them. and hopefully the next roll of film (all the old hair/ new hair pics) will leave me with some shots I really like. it'd be cool to have pictures of me I like that don't date back to my oh-so-young days. of course, when we get to the end of that roll, you and I won't be all the same colors anymore. but my hair won't stay blue forever, much to my grandma's relief, I'm sure. :) take care, e.
from eventhewind :
oh my gosh. quotes AND especially cool words? do you have any idea how much time I'm going to spend at Echo's Cry? (p.s. hereinmyhead is heaven.)
from eventhewind :
oh my. I wish I could hug you or send you one across the states... what a brave spirit you have, fighting all this pain and loss and fear. I'm so sorry that you have it to fight and so grateful that you do fight it. that difference you mentioned - the refusal to be buried in your box, the desire to live - is so huge. you know that, I guess, but I feel like saying it anyway. it's so important. and I think you're amazing, for surviving, and working to do even more than that. I wish I had some comfort to offer, but this seems to be the extent of it. your honesty is breathtaking. take care, you.
from supertechie :
Hey there... Yeah, I added you and am now a reader, just don't know you well enough to add a comment. To explain the pirate theme: I only live in Santa Fe during the school year (I'm a Johnnie). The rest of the time, I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, where I sail on an 18th Century tallship/pirate ship (the one pictured in the layout). So that's the whole pirate thing...
from perdiendome :
sorry to hear about your back... :( feel better soon, pobrecita...
from perdiendome :
da website is kewwwwwwwwl! :) i like it! and am happy for you! i know what a great thing distraction can be!
from eventhewind :
:major hugs: what an incredibly emotional reunion. it sounds like it could be a wonderful time, and yet, I imagine and understand how many other feelings there are. I will say that your friend Melissa has grown up as well, and it's very likely that - rather than being disappointed with you for no longer being "who you were" - she'll feel the injustice you've experienced, the grief for all you've missed and all you've had to fight. still have to fight. yes, she might not understand. but she's grown up, too. she's seen some life herself, most likely. and sometimes, people will surprise you with their ability to understand. you don't have to be who you were. you don't have to be your diagnosis. you can show her who you are, so far as you know that. and however she responds, that's something you can continue doing with the people you meet. and people will stay, eventually. I know it's impossible to believe. I probably still wouldn't, if I hadn't had that one experience to drill it into me... anyway. be scared, be hopeful, be everything you feel. someone remembers you and that means a lot. I hope it goes well. and if it doesn't, you know...it will go well eventually. with someone. so take care in the meantime, ok? and keep us updated. :)
from valeofenna :
04-19-04 ANOTHER NOTE TO SELF: Despite the fact that, of those who've acknowledged your existence, you are the only one for the past three days who has written anything, continue to write, be happy, laugh at yourself, and continue to alltheweb interesting words contained within the gold diaryland members journals. Thus you shall continue to find unusual meanings and revelations hidden within the texts, as in "acknowledge existence of dragons" tears and gravity and self, among others. This may one day lead to uttter confusion, which will ultimately lead further on to utterly confusing happiness. Take care of myself, HUGS : )
from eventhewind :
I don't believe it's possible to simply erase parts of yourself. I believe you must build or find replacements, that you must help something grow in place of each trait, quirk, or habit you no longer want in your life. and so we are becoming something, although the focus often sticks on all we must undo. I'm really glad your therapist admitted to not knowing everything, and I'm hoping strong hopes for you. I want you to know what you're worth, to understand that not only are you not erasing your life, but it never was erased - by anyone - and there's a reason for that... take care, ok?
from eventhewind :
I love skittles! ;) ...and your bunny parody was tres amusing. my mom and I wrote one years ago to "White Christmas" ("Grey Easter") because here, it always rains. Well, it didn't yesterday, but otherwise it "always" does. :) many a soggy egg-hunt. ...so I took the candy quiz, thinking maybe I'd get something I hate and you love, but I got skittles, too. my teeth hurt just to think of it. but I guess, now we have something you don't like in common. (cannot form thoughts. too... tired. tired? ha. too weird.) :huggle:
from eventhewind :
glad to hear you taking your own side in the craziness with your therapist. as a friend of mine once said, "it's good to remember that doctors and such are the hired help. and there just as easily the *fired* help." ;) only after you have a replacement ready, of course. but, really, I hope you can manage to push some reality past her endless monologue in the next few appointments. sometimes being angry with a doc can do wonders, although I never like it much. take care!
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: Be relatively happy. Think relatively happy thoughts. Dream relatively grand dreams. Be relatively thankful. Voice relatively intelligent thoughts. And enjoy your relatively acknowledged existence.
from perdiendome :
hey! i got your note about the picture, and it all makes sense... and if the time comes around when you have it copyrighted but haven't purchased the gold membership yet, i definitely would be happy to host it until you do. just let me know! have peace, my dear!
from eventhewind :
I will monopolize your notes page, mwa ha ha. ...although I hardly know what to say. I am glad, extremely so, that you are finding a voice here, finding a community you haven't had for far too long, and I hope with everything in me that as I know you, I will see that progress into a life you live in that elusive outside world. I'm glad to help you feel less alone; I'm sorry that you also feel these things. I'm a little more steady today, though I think that's by sheer force of will (and chocolate.) ;) sheer force of chocolate, hmm. anyway, what I wanted to say was something like that. that and - fix your previous/ next links! they're driving me bananas! ::giggle:: (but hey, any excuse to use that expression. and I believe prev/ next are one of the things d-land tells you how to do on the html editor page, but if it's not, and you don't know how, I can look at it with my oh-so-slight html know-how and try to fix things without making your diary explode.) ok. p.s. you were successfully nudged! therefore, you rock most totally. yeay! :)
from eventhewind :
I will monopolize your notes page, mwa ha ha. ...although I hardly know what to say. I am glad, extremely so, that you are finding a voice here, finding a community you haven't had for far too long, and I hope with everything in me that as I know you, I will see that progress into a life you live in that elusive outside world. I'm glad to help you feel less alone; I'm sorry that you also feel these things. I'm a little more steady today, though I think that's by sheer force of will (and chocolate.) ;) sheer force of chocolate, hmm. anyway, what I wanted to say was something like that. that and - fix your previous/ next links! they're driving me bananas! ::giggle:: (but hey, any excuse to use that expression. and I believe prev/ next are one of the things d-land tells you how to do on the html editor page, but if it's not, and you don't know how, I can look at it with my oh-so-slight html know-how and try to fix things without making your diary explode.) ok. p.s. you were successfully nudged! therefore, you rock most totally. yeay! :)
from eventhewind :
THANK YOU! I HATE IT, TOO! :) And it's over, finally. ::relief:: I hereby suggest we make an annual celebration out of April 2nd, when we are once again free (of that at least). :hugs:
from eventhewind :
there's so much I could say after your last entry. the words, "a completely opposite protestation" are so familiar to me; so many of us reject the false and harmful gifts of the world by turning inward, ultimately putting that necessary, enraged energy against ourselves. but quietly. an implosion as you said. it's a sad and horrible trap. and to "accidentally befriend" an illness; oh, I know that, too. I also know it's possible to grow and progress and fight your way through it, past it, no matter what; it's still possible. I hope you can believe that; if not, I'll believe it for you. in the meantime, I'll believe it for you. also, what the fuck is up with people responding so inappropriately lately? (I know they do this all the time, but it's come my way more than usual over the past few days.) I'm so sorry this person couldn't give you the caring, supportive response you deserve. reaching out is so difficult, and to get that response makes it all the more difficult the next time. I promise you there are people who can understand and who will be supportive, but I offer all my sympathies in the sucktastic process of finding them...:hug:
from mitfordgal :
I'm sorry that you reached out and was left feeling worse. I can certainly identify with that feeling. Hang in there! Thanks for the note that you left with me... I appreciated it muchly!
from perdiendome :
just to make it clear, it would appear in your diary even though i host it. you may know that already, i just am obsessive about being very clear... sorry... :P
from perdiendome :
hey... sorry to hear about the insurance situation. their ill behavior does seem to be a theme today, does it not? so unfortunate... um, about the picture you so want to put up, i'd be happy to host it for you if you like. just email it to me at [email protected]. i have a gold membership, and i'm using relatively little of my space there, and so i can host it and tell you the html to use to make it appear. if you want. :)
from valeofenna :
Note to Self: I know that your little "h" hope has turned into a big "H" Hope, but never give up your search for the big HOPE, if even just for yourself-thank-you.
from perdiendome :
just thought i'd leave a note to say hi. i found your diary through mary, and i've been fascinated to read it so far... i don't have a better response yet (as in, i really like your diary, but saying just that seems lame and cliche, but i can't think of better words, so maybe those will have to do for now... ), but thought i should introduce myself since i've read several of your entries. so i'm beth, my diary is at perdiendome, and feel free to stop by...
from eventhewind :
hi, again. I wanted to say I think the version of therapy you've found is really uncool. I had a session like that most recently, and it left me feeling more than a little crazy. (job security? no, really, it was a fluke, I swear.) I find the therapists I work best with (and I've worked with a few) are those who are willing to work *with* me, who give me as much credibility as they give themselves. I think everyone deserves that sort of respect, and also - I think it's much "easier" to get better if the people you work with really understand that you do all you do for a reason and so really - *you're* the one who knows it all. no matter how many letters they have after their respective names. ...also (and this seems weird to say because I really feel like I relate to your statement about your poetry, and so the following comment is like saying to someone, "oh, by the way, I like your baby" - which is a bit ridiculous, no?) but I was very much intrigued. your rhyming journals have served you well; you have a unique ability to sound true, genuine within that scheme. I particularly liked the idea of time being softened, as opposed to softening. it raised a thought up in my brain - that wounds heal time or something... it doesn't quite make sense yet. it probably will eventually. then I can leave you another long-winded note. (I jump on myself for being so long-winded but revel in response myself. ah, insecurity.) take care!
from eventhewind :
no problem. :) it occurred to me that perhaps I should have asked you first (damn my tendency to think the worst) ... so I'm glad you're ok with it. I don't know how helpful it will be, but it's worked out once or twice in the past. so, we'll see, yes? take care...
from eventhewind :
I do not consider these thoughts useless in the least. You have me incredibly intrigued, at a time when I've become so wary of diarylanders (as many good friends as I've found, there are still thousands of journals focused on pain and glorifying pain and making a club where each person can hate herself in the company of others) I thought I was done adding to my favorites list. This does not seem to be the case. The line "even the produce is protesting!" alone has anchored me here. I wait to see what will come. (And before long, I'll pull out of this overstated, adopted voice I'm using and be the dork I really am. Life works better that way.) p.s. I disagree with Carlos Fuentes; I believe the US involves itself - so stupidly - in foreign affairs partly to avoid the fact that it doesn't understand and can't deal with its own problems. And I have to run and hide from your Nietzche quote as well; I no longer sustain myself on praise, but I do enjoy it much. Your own words, however...on school, for instance? - I adore. And I look forward to seeing both the similarities of our twinship and the distinctions between us. take care.

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