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"Can’t seem to want to be in one place forever." I think that you'll know when it's time to settle into one place for a while. This may be more about life stage rather than determining the perfect place to live. Moving around will help you better understand yourself and your needs/desires. Houses, babies... lots coming up for you, and I can't wait to hear the details.

from swordfern :

Hope that you find someone to spend time with there. Loneliness is terrible and can feel endless and harrowing. I'd join you at the beach if I could.

from swordfern :

How are things going? I just thought of you and realized that you are supposed to have moved by now.

from happyone :

10/26/21: Lana del Rey is the best!!!! So loving Blue Banisters!

from comebacktome :

You will love Australia, lots of great diving. Conservative government which is crap, but depending on where you end up, you will fit in with the beachy crowd :)

from jimbostaxi :

I'm wishing you guys all the best in your new life in the “land down under.”

from swordfern :

Sometimes these big life upheavals can be exactly what we need to shift ourselves into a new way of being. Vancouver is a challenging place to live in many ways; it can be hard to imagine a future here. I'm sad that you are leaving, and at the same time I'm looking forward to hearing about Australia. I'll miss you!

from the-grey-one :

much love to you too ! <3

from papotheclown :

That Burnham special was amazing. I've watched it twice now.

from jimbostaxi :

Self-care is very important I agree 100 percent! Unfortunately, I'm more of a self-destructive kind of guy, In between my howls at the moon, there would be nothing but sobs.

from papotheclown :

Thank you so much! That means a tremendous amount to hear.

from the-grey-one :

*praise hands* - that’s a lot of trauma you’re coming face to face with every day. i have a lot of respect for the hearts out there that are strong enough to keep showing up every day, i’m glad yours is one of them!

from swordfern :

Merry Christmas! I have very much enjoyed learning more about you over the last year. I feel kindred to you in a way, perhaps due to living in the same city, but also for deeper reasons. All the best, Shannon.

from portlypete :

If you’re not dead from Covin, please say.

from portlypete :

If you’re not dead from Covin, please say.

from sophunique :

I hope you're doing well after possibly being exposed. My entire family had it in june/july and it was nothing. I had the flu a few years ago and that shit was bananas. This virus (our experience, as I know others have had it bad), we had some nausea, felt tired, fever of 99.4 for a few hours, and diarrhea. Not all at once. Just rest and take care of yourself if you get it. I haven't noticed any lingering symptoms. I have noticed that when someone hears I've had it they step back a bit. So lame. Feels like I'm a leper. People are scared. I get it. Hope you fare well!

from swordfern :

The trip to Australia sounds amazing!

from comebacktome :

Hullo from Oz. Not to be That Person, but if I might offer you some insider info- if he wants to come, he'll need to do it now. Unfortunately it's not just the rules but the extensive cancelled flights, it often takes up to three months to get here between the paperwork and getting on flight. Lots of horror stories of being stuck in between with cancelled flight legs too. And he will have to quarantine for 2 weeks upon arrival in Sydney most likely and then travel to wherever, and some states are then strict about travel from particular states (NSW and VIC). Essentially this is not a short term proposition, and so he may need to make a decision sooner rather than later because it may take quite a while to actually get back. All the best to you guys, I hope it isn't necessary.

from frankie123 :

yeah!! that rotation's not til later in the program; i think exactly one year from now? but a couple of the teachers say that's the best one to work

from papotheclown :

I cannot tell you how encouraging your note was. Thank you for that.

from raven72d :

Sea lions! They sound magnificent.

from portlypete :

Just to add: no one became an expert overnight, so don't ever feel intimidated just because it's your first time. (That goes for sex too, if I can remember that far back!) :-)

from portlypete :

That sounds like an awesome experience. I prefer to watch whales from a boat - I believe they can be quite big. Right now, living on an island seems like the greatest idea ever! Go for it.

from swordfern :

What a dreamy entry (sea lions). FWIW, I very much enjoy climbing with beginners. In the past, others invested their time in my growth, and in turn, I hope to give that back to others so that they too have a an opportunity to learn and participate. There are times when I have an objective, and in those cases I chose an experienced team; however, group events are always 'lowest common denominator' and are more about the social aspects of the day rather than achieving a specific goal. So! While it sucks to be the new person, we ALL have been there before.

from frankie123 :

that was such a lovely read (diving together)

from portlypete :

'Average' is a result! It is what you do with it that counts. (I found that out late in life).

from jimbostaxi :

Thank you for the note. I think my journey through this would be infinitely worse without this place and all of you guys.

from swordfern :

As I read about his post about you, my heart clenched. Seeing something like that would make me very happy too. I'm glad that he did that for you, especially right now when you really need it.

from the-grey-one :

aww yay! so sweet!

from swordfern :

Jealousy can be viewed as a call to action. What is missing from your life, and how can you bring that thing into your life?

from swordfern :

Ugh re: coming across photos of the ex. FWIW, I came across photos of Russell's ex, and she appears dour and dowdy, which makes me wonder about his standards. Further, to reinforce this, I came across a pencil sketch that he did of her, and she has her arms crossed and is looking down with a frown, further reinforcing my impression of her. So if the ex is hot, then it's unnerving; if the ex is not hot, then it's also unnerving. Hahahhahahah ugggggggghhhhhh. (You're going through a relationship transition, with him being away for a while. There is opportunity in this. And it is also going to present challenges. Much empathy.)

from swordfern :

I'm sure you know this, but you show up better to support others when you take care of yourself. (I've also been thinking a lot about the concept of the individual vs. society/privilege. My current conclusion is that even though he is privileged, the white male can still have had a difficult, traumatic life. He must acknowledge that society has not limited his potential in the way that it limits people of colour and must not compare his trauma to racism. However, he, despite privilege, is not immune to trauma. I don't know where I'm going with this, and I am working to learn more and engage in conversations, but I wanted to let you know how your discussions have catalyzed an important debate for myself. If our conversations around racism aren't uncomfortable, then we are likely doing something wrong.)

from swordfern :

Reading your entries is such a gift. I was up in the night thinking too much about relationship 'trajectory' and whether I'm making the right decisions, and this entry is timely. "Making the most of now" - really, that's all there is. xoxo

from swordfern :

❤︎

from swordfern :

Hah! Yes, I know that I would advise myself to talk to him about it, and I will once I'm able to have the conversation from a less painful emotional place. I know exactly what it's triggering in me, and it has nothing to do with him. He's done nothing wrong, and it shows that he is committed and loving. I knew he was in a long relationship, similar length to my previous, but I didn't realize they had wed. "Other's successes highlight your own failures." It's triggered my internal pain of never having had someone love me enough to commit to a future together.

from dangerspouse :

Wow. Yeah. I don't normally comment on anything that isn't risible, but if you really are mired in this loop of anxiety and distress, you really perhaps should consider therapy. You work in mental health, right? I'm guessing you could find plenty of professional resources for developing coping mechanism...I hope. I don't know where you are, but many state and local governments have mental health outreach programs started up (gratis) for people who are understandably having a hard time with the current nonstop inundation of scary tidings. All the best to you, I hope you find succor. Soon.

from jimbostaxi :

I'm very pleased with her progress at the moment. She is resting at home without the use of oxygen and the fevers seem to have stopped. I want to say we are in the clear but no one knows for sure. The one thing I do know is that her smile lit up our dark bedroom and my heart. Thank you very much for the note :)

from swordfern :

I am (again) listening to the book "Untethered Soul" to help work through the anxiety that emerges when I am at home, alone, for long stretches. This book has taught me a lot about problematic thought patterns. Not sure if you've spent time with this book before but it could be a useful companion to talk therapy. I feel as though I'm treading water lately, my head just above the drowning water of anxiety. I think a lot of us are experiencing this, but I don't think it needs to be normal. I can tell that your partner wishes to help you stay afloat; and that is a measure of honest love.

from swordfern :

I love our mirrored relationships. I get so excited when I see your name lit up in red on my buddy list. Reading you is a highlight of my day. xoxo

from frankie123 :

andrew is the cutest

from swordfern :

Thank you for sharing the story of your relationship, which sounds so similar to mine. And for evidence that it can last, that I may never have to accept that things have to change.

from swordfern :

Ahhhh!! I'm so happy that it went well!! I had a somewhat related experience where I thought I could be pregnant and didn't want to tell him because I considered it my fault and didn't want him to have to stress about it. When I got my period, I decided to tell him about the whole thing and instead of it becoming an argument or blame/defense thing it was a bonding experience. He wished he'd known what was going on so that he could have helped work through it together and immediately suggested that it was just as much his fault. Such a difference from how things would have gone in my previous relationship... Anyhow. My conclusion is that you can use these moments to determine the character of your partner. Sounds like you have a good one in your man!

from swordfern :

I'm happy to help you work through things like this. Intrusive thoughts like this need to be let out and processed. He has chosen you, chosen to move forward with you. That's your vulnerability, your trust in him. That's one of the hardest parts about love to bear. xoxo

from swordfern :

Just throwing this out there - would you ask him directly about it? It could be a good conversation to have, if you can manage to bring it up in a way that is not accusatory or defensive. FWIW - I look up my ex on social media and have ZERO interest in being with him. I would have to think about more why I do this - maybe I want more evidence to confirm my decision, maybe it's just curiosity about what's going on in his life after me.

from swordfern :

What are your worst fears?

from swordfern :

Hah! Thanks for the encouragement. It will happen soon. And I know it will be like a dam letting go: I won't be able to stop saying it.

from jimbostaxi :

My theory is we are not ready to know yet. When a new Tesla or Ramanujan are born they will bring us into the time of enlightenment and exciting things will follow.

from jimbostaxi :

Was going back through your stuff and got to 10/26 entry and Im like wow,,, the words were so deep and moved me... :)

from loveherwell :

that was so kind of you to say (in your note)! it sounds as though 2019 treated you quite well. i hope 2020 does the same :)

from the-grey-one :

dr gabor mate was a physician in van’s east side for years and he’s been doing a lot of work with ayahuasca in regards to treating addiction/trauma, you can follow him on facebook (he’s also got some good books as well). plant medicine is gaining ground for sure! i first got into it 10 years ago and have gotten to see it get a lot more attention. if you’re interested in trying it yourself feel free to email me!

from swordfern :

Ahh why have I not been reading you?! A local Dlander! Thanks for the compliment! Merry Christmas!

from frankie123 :

"love is not guaranteed, especially the romantic kind. And it is an honour a blessing a straight up miracle to feel that kind of love whether it is reciprocated or not. And that’s all that takes up my heart these days, this utmost realization that I am one of the lucky ones" -- woow! i love this (& happy belated)

from the-grey-one :

i know, it suuucks, spent the rest of the day physically and emotionally hungover. 0/10 would not recommend

from frankie123 :

so chill and so sweet

from elusive-you :

if you want to share, i'd like to keep reading. regardless, hope you're doing well.

from frankie123 :

yooo that's the field of work i'm studying to get into right now! super cool. best wishes for your trip; i hope it's exactly what you want

from the-grey-one :

hear hear!

from jarofporter :

i find that changing the way you think requires input from like-minded others. without that, we tend to drift back to old habits.

from the-grey-one :

yes absolutely! i tried getting it to you a long time ago but with the site broken i couldn’t get through (your profile is still unclickable for me!) , my email is lazi_(at)hotmail.com, happy to bring you back into the fold!

from jarofporter :

3/16 - your entry sounds so much like me - I've felt that same sense of not belonging all my life. I understand, and I hope you can find somewhere to be you, and that you find your tribe...

from the-grey-one :

i know that jealousy well, you have a wonderful attitude towards it. i’m very happy for you with this entry : )

from the-grey-one :

hey! your notes are fixed : )

from elusive-you :

same. absolute exact same.

from jarofporter :

that's how it is for me, been that way for years...

from frankie123 :

you're in vancouver, too! i'd forgotten! the air sure smells sweet but holy it's like walking through soup today

from frankie123 :

i THINK i sent you an email? to that one that's listed on your profile?

from the-grey-one :

just wanted to leave another note saying how much i relate to your struggle/fight with changing your thoughts, or rather becoming aware of them, and accepting them to a point where they stop holding the same emotional charge. bah, just, yes. definitely relate, and love to hear how someone else is dealing with it all. i think you are awesome.

from newschick :

haha love this post. trader joes is very sneaky! :D

from elusive-you :

have a good time :)

from jaysthoughts :

Just checking to see how many diarylanders still actually check their notes and stay active.

from silver4 :

A couple of the more popular/busier clubs these days are Marquee at cosmopolitan and XS/Surrender at Wynn/Encore. Another good busy one is Light at Mandalay bay. That one is a bit newer and it is based on cirque du soleil acts. Marquee is PACKED but people seem to love it. Also 1oak at mirage is a pretty busy one too. I think those are the most oft discussed clubs of late :) hope this helps!!

from silver4 :

Have fun in Vegas!! It is insanely hot right now, enough that the long time locals are complaining, and there was a heat advisory warning put on until Wednesday. The weekend will be great though, only like 110!! Let me know if you need some suggestions :)

from jarofporter :

http://warpednormal.diaryland.com/140602_27.html i remember thinking this way before. wish i could get back there. glad to see these recent posts!

from jarofporter :

YaY! i'm glad you did - after recommending it to you , i decided to get my copy back out & re-read it (sitting next to me right now!). i'd forgotten how helpful it really is!

from jarofporter :

hey! did you find "three magic words" by U.S. Anderson yet? i really think it would be beneficial for you to read!

from elusive-you :

you're gonna be fine.

from jarofporter :

damn, sorry to hear it. and yes, it will be ok, eventually.

from frankie123 :

i can't tell you how many times i've read one of your entries and just wished i could learn to see the world the phenomenal way that you see it

from the-grey-one :

hey, just letting you know i think your diary is fantastic

from elusive-you :

happy birthday!

from silver4 :

I like that: "don't want to keep anyone around...just for the sake of having someone around". Spare the energy expense to everyone involved. Definitely not fair to anyone. I feel like I *try* to do that, too, but it just takes me a while to realize it's pointless to keep them around if I want something better. Ohh this never-ending quest! Entertaining though. I'm jealous you went ice skating. Everyone is going skating these days; I need to get my butt out there and do the same before the season is over.

from and-darling :

Gah. I do agree... I used to fall in love so easily and now I just can't. Sometimes I feel like I'm not giving them a chance to prove something.

from jarofporter :

agreed, it's not fair. guess that's why i haven't dated either - waiting for something amazing. hope you find it...