integrating

The last three years have been the longest days of my life.

My dad has me a nervous wreck. My hands shake so bad I can't sign my signature anymore. It's embarrassing if someone sees me trying to enter my PIN at the grocery store. I now have social anxiety. I talk to myself quietly, but my lips move. When I'm in public I catch people looking at me and realize my lips are moving.

I am currently waiting to get the fuck out of here. I'll be moving into my new place Feb 1.

Forgot about the random facial twitches and random jerking. I jerk in my sleep. I fight sleep. I take a couple of short naps during the day.....

Then I can start meditating again.

(Today is Mon, March 30, 2020.)

Hello.

I survived somehow. I'm supposed to be happy, and I am as I walk about my apartment, but I am....sad, in pain, getting better, still ticking but not as much, reprogramming my mind.

At first I still had his energy behind me. Every sound I made, my first reaction was to automatically imagine him getting mad and how would he react.

That's something I've been working on everyday.

My favorite diaries:

jimbostaxi profile - diary
comments: ron jeremy's doppelganger
dangerspouse profile - diary
comments: i lub him. i bet he gives the best hugs.
loveherwell profile - diary
raven72d profile - diary
comments: road trip, definitely

My favorite music:

Pearl Jam
comments: "I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag."
Mazzy Star
comments: "You're a ghost on this highway and I'll love you forever."
Daniel Johnston
comments: "I rock!"
Alice in Chains
comments: "Yeah, they come to snuff the Rooster! Ah yeah"
Beastie Boys
comments: "Now your mom throws away your best porno mag. Busted!"

My favorite movies:

Highway
comments: "johnny the fox!!... you're one... daffy invididual"
Pulp Fiction
comments: "i'm a mushroom-cloud layin' motherfucker, motherfucker"
The Fault in our Stars
The Notebook
Donnie Darko

My favorite authors:

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last updated: 2020-06-03 02:17:17
this user's total entries: 491
user since: 2003-01-25

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