5:30 a.m. - 2006-09-21
an uphill battle
Yesterday I told David I wanted him to move out. I thought my heart would break.
I didn't want him to move out as much as I wanted things to change. I wanted him to leave because I felt these things would not change.
David is much more capable than people would believe. He has been led to believe by people that love him that he is dumb..stupid..incapable. What did he have but to live up to those things? And boy..did he.
Lately..I have felt all alone. I lost my job with benefits on August 23rd. Since then..I have mainly felt alone with the stress and the depression and the anger. I really think David did not grasp that I thought I was going crazy from all of it.
It seems that his attitude did not change at all from the day before I lost my job until yesterday. I think he did not realize that our reality had changed.
I have been getting increasingly frusterated over the fact that David really does not know how to be there for someone. I do not think he has ever EVER been in a relationship where the woman desired more than occasional sex and a night out. I need to be held..loved..cherished..told all of these things...not taken for granted. I need a partner.
I told him to leave yesterday. He asked me a few times to say it was what I wanted..which was like a dagger in my heart.
I went over to Lisa's and talked to her about it. As usual..she was supportive and exactly what I needed.
When I got home..I saw him online from his parents house. We talked. He asked me if I was SURE I wanted him to move out. I said that I was not really sure about that. But I was really sure things needed to change. I was really certain we could not move forward unless things changed.
I told David.."follow your heart". And he replied "You are my heart" which made me cry and is the closest I've ever gotten to knowing how he truly feels about me.
And then he came home..and I could look him in the eye again. There really wasn't much more discussion. I have laid some ground rules..and told him that these are things I need..no..I demand. In exchange..would you please tell me if there is anything I could do for you? He said that there wasn't.
I went to bed..exhausted...but a lot happier than I've been in a while.
I will say..being in a relationship with another bipolar person is much more work than even I could've imagined.

1:54 p.m. - 2006-08-18
He's not manic anymore....
David isn't manic anymore. Thank God.
However..last night was the 4th night in a row that we were intimate. I am a happy, happy girl!
More updates later!

10:04 a.m. - 2006-08-16
I think he's manic
David is manic. At least..I think he is. Two months ago..he bought these expensive Traxxas radio controlled cars off of EBay. Total for both cars..around $400.00. Used. I'm not kidding.
Since he bought the cars..there have been nothing but problems with both of them. Seems..once you go through 3-4 tanks of gas in the cars..you start needing to replace things. Which sounds like a crock until you go to the Traxxas website and it says so.
What a pain.
Anyway...red flags went up last night as it seemed he was obsessed with getting the cars back in working condition. Nevermind the cost of parts for these cars...the time and effort he puts into figuring out how to take off and put back on the parts is..well..a lot.
The cars were all he could talk about. Also..he was talking about the astronomical (I'm exaggerating a bit) cost of getting them fixed.
I was getting irritated.
At bedtime..which is about 9:30 for me..I told him I was going outside to smoke a cigarette and then I was going to bed. I was already mad because earlier we had planned some intimate time and it definitely did not seem it was going to happen.
So I went to bed..fuming..but realizing.hey..he has nothing to do but focus on something..so "Why am I mad?"
About a half an hour after I went to bed..I was almost asleep. However..the fact that I was gritting my teeth was preventing me from fully relaxing into slumber. I do that when I'm aggravated..and often without realizing it.
He walks in..I jump a mile high when he says "Babe...I'm in here"..loud..so loud I was expecting trumpets to sound in the sky to herald the second coming. He scared the crap out of me.
And then he climbed on top of me like a friggin caveman...unable to be anymore obvious than he was at that moment.
I appeased the beast..and eased off into slumber. I woke up shortly later to realize he was not in bed with me. He was at the computer..at 12:30 a.m...attempting to put our credit accounts online. Why this could not wait until the daytime was beyond me.
Irritated..I went back to bed. I was almost asleep when the dogs came running into the bedroom playfighting..and they jumped on the bed to continue their fight. I kicked their snarly butts off the bed and went to sleep. Only...the next time I was almost asleep..David turned on the hall light and left the bedroom door open. The brightness woke me up. I became very cranky.
I went into the dining room where he was sitting at the computer. I asked him when he was coming to bed..after all..us chicks like to spend the night in the bed with our guy! He said he'd be right there.
I stomped off to bed and slammed the bedroom door. It was quickly becoming apparent there was no sleep to be had..by me at least.
David came into the bedroom..and he assured me he was done at the computer and he was sorry. As I was drifting off to sleep..he said..I forgot to turn the computer off..I'll be right back. It was 1:30 a.m.
At 2:30 a.m. I woke up because the stupid hall light was shining into the bedroom again. I was very pissed when I walked out of the bedroom..into the hallway..into the living room..and he was sitting on the computer.
I said "Is that how you turn off a computer?" At this point..I was really pissed. During night hours..I really am a different person. I like everyone in my household present and accounted for. I also like to sleep in bed with my beloved.
My frigging beloved has to be manic. First he's obsessed with the cars..then he's up on the computer when he should be sleeping all hours of the night.
None of this made me THAT angry. I was just annoyed. It seemed that if it wasn't Dave waking me up..it was the hall light..or the dogs..or any damn thing. So today..I'm trying not to fall asleep.
Dave called me this morning to tell me he'd dropped Jackie off at school. By the way, I told him "YOU SUCK". Of course..he's a guy and didn't know why. I reminded him gently that he kept me up all night long.
I was freaked about the obsessive issue because David can get worked up on an issue and next thing you know..we are having it out. We have been fine now for over a week and a half...and I don't want anything to mess it up right now.
By the way..Jackie had a great first day of school yesterday! I'll post pics later.
By the way...I need to call my therapist. She called me a few weeks ago and I haven't called her back yet. Though the city of St. Louis has fulfilled it's obligation to provide therapy for me...she still wants to see me one more time.
We are supposed to be going over to David's parents house tonight.
Well..talk at you later..
Melissa

12:18 p.m. - 2006-08-14
Some pics....
I love this guy:

I love him so much I got on this thing..which presents my phobia's on height and speed, which goes hundreds of feet up in the air:

You will forget I had a panic attack.

Oh..David spent $169.00 on a pair of Oakley sunglasses on Friday.
I do not mind this...it was his money to spend..but I paid $8.00 on clearance for my J.LO sunglasses.
Looking like "The Fly" is just an added perk.

12:12 p.m. - 2006-08-14
The reason I live...
What keeps me going..my daughter Jackie.

1:07 p.m. - 2006-08-11
My other diary on diaryland....
I am an updating fool today! I even updated my other diary on diaryland...the one I've had for 3 years. I looked at it yesterday and realized I've got 600 plus entries in it!
That's a lot of memories I've got saved up there.
If you want to check out that diary..leave me a note with your email address...so I can send you password info..and you have to swear to keep it safe. It is locked because I have a web stalker..who unfortunately..gave my diary name to the local newspaper last year. No.I'm not kidding.
Yes...it was even published.
Yes..this chic sucks.
yep.

1:03 p.m. - 2006-08-11
Question
Does being bipolar make you any less worthy of being loved? Why in the world would I think that? Maybe it's because many people think that way...
Hmmmm....

9:53 a.m. - 2006-08-11
Calm
Things are going well with David and I. We haven't had an arguement since Monday..and that is good.
We have been intimate 3 times since Monday..again..a good thing. Since our intimacy seems to keep us connected.
Because of how men treated me in the past..I am still surprised and caught off guard by David's affection and tenderness. I am still surprised when he reaches for my hand or hugs me for no reason.
I am worried I will have issues for the rest of my life with my sleep. I already have two sleep disorders..and have said things to David in my sleep that would make any man say "WTF"?
I did it again the other night. He walked in an hour and a half after I went to sleep and woke me up..talking about us going to the Motley Crue/Aerosmith concert..and that we had tickets..and I bit his head off. I don't even remember what he said..except for "What?" and eventually him saying "I didn't mean to sound mad at you"..which even now..touches me..because I think it's starting to sink in that his words have wounded me in the past. He's finally seeing that he is RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of his mouth in anger. That..my friends..is proof that boyfriend is evolving.
We are making some progress.
Even though..my sleep disorders have been with me for 23 years and don't look like they'll be leaving anytime soon..he realizes too that there are just some things not worth getting upset about.
Namely..the crazy crap that I say when I'm in a sleep state.
My adopted Mom is visiting for a few days. She hasn't seen Jackie since before she went to visit her Dad in early June..so Ma came out to spend a few days with us. I thought I might dread it or be crabby about it..but I am fine that she is there.
Proof too..that I am evolving. I'm no longer seeing her as the enemy.
Man..I am so tired. Much of the week I was up late or could not sleep. I was stressing about a lot of things..things I really could do nothing about at midnight.
This weekend..we hope to go see Talledega Nights and also to get some of Jackie's school shopping done.
Well..that is all for now. TTYL.

9:52 a.m. - 2006-08-11
Us
David and I..two weeks ago:

12:44 p.m. - 2006-08-09
Genesis
Hi there. My name is Pandora. Well..that's not really my real name..but it's the name I'm going to use for this diary.
This diary is about a new relationship I'm in with a guy named David. Now..that is his real name..
David and I are 31, and we are both bipolar..which has presented some unique challenges. We are engaged..and love each other very much. I'm willing to invest in a life with him.
However..this is all contigent upon his willingness to talk to his doctor about the few and rare..but scary..bipolar aggression and agitation.
I used to have the same problem..but my doctor put me on an anti-psychotic..a very low dose..the lowest..and I haven't had an episode in 3 years.
David has lived with me for 2 months..and we've already had 3 episodes where he was irrational and wasn't making any sense.
Now I know how frusterating it was for people who love me..to see me so torn up and tortured and always in turmoil and very sad and depressed. David is not depressed..but you can tell the disorder very much has control of David. David has not yet learned to harness the beast.
And he hates medication. He takes what's prescribed..but he hit the roof when I suggested we "maybe" should raise the dosage of his Abilify.
So..without further ado..here's the entry from my other diary here on diaryland:
I do not want to come across as long- suffering or a martyr...but I do need to talk about what's going on in my relationship without people thinking there is something seriously wrong with me or David.
I didn't know I was bipolar until a few years ago. I have lived with the diagnosis for about 3 years. Most of my life I've known there was something seriously wrong with me..but never knew what it was.
I do dare say..that those years I went undiagnosed were pure hell and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. The emotional torture and turmoil and angst made me absolutely want to die to rid myself of the pain.
I know that loving me was hard for people around me. I said things I didn't mean to say..I kept a wall up around me so no one could reach me..I'd isolate for months. Not to mention I've done things that have worried people around me..and when I was back to normal..worried myself.
I'm in a good place in my life right now..and I guess...I'm finding out what it was like to be around me all those years.
David really..um..confounds me sometimes. He really is a great guy. He is really sweet and loyal and loving. But when he gets himself wrapped up in bipolar agitation and irritation..it scares me. He cannot be talked out of whatever his emotion at that moment is.
I am not used to being in a relationship at all and thus..having an argument really upsets me. Especially when it makes no sense why we're arguing.
We're arguing..though there are few times we are..but when we do..it's 100% because he is obsessed with whatever we're talking about and about either getting his way or being right.
I sometimes wonder if he is the only one who is allowed to be bipolar..symptomatic..mad..upset. I wonder if he even remembers that I have issues too..and that as an emotional person..I get upset too..and that is fine..and he shouldn't take it as a personal affront.
I can see that I really need to take care of myself and make sure I feel validated and able to express myself. In the future...he doesn't know it yet..but since we're both bipolar..I think we should go to counseling to work out some methods of communicating that aren't confrontational.
Right now..the last few days..I feel myself bubbling up..and releasing tension like a pressure valve..and overreacting to situations. I don't want to keep letting it out like that..but if I don't..I'm going to blow up..and it's going to be ugly.
Things are calming down again..since Jackie is home. But I am more than a little irritated with David's illness. I know it is not his fault he is bipolar..nor is it mine that I am. But I am aggravated that he gets so mad about stupid things....and even though it hardly ever happens..it hurts me..because I don't like to fight.
I am mad that this illness has robbed me of so much. And now..I fall in love with a great guy..who has the illness..and I am so angry. Angry that we are going to have additional bumps in the road thanks to our mood disorder.
I'm not willing to walk away..not now.
But I'm angry that I even have to consider being willing to walk away or not. I hate this illness. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
There are treatment options available for this obsessive issue....but will he do it? I don't know.
I don't want it to come down to an ultimatum..because I don't think that's fair to do to people. But someday..it might. It's me..or this obsessive issue. Either you get treatment for it..or you lose me.
Either way..I don't know if I can deal with this forever.
I really love David..that's the hard part.
I love him.

*************************************
That was the entry for yesterday. After I wrote that entry..I wrote David a letter expressing my frusteration and feelings about the issue..and also letting David know how these episodes affect me. I know from experience that in some instances..you can't control yourself. But that's in an extreme situation. In everyday life..you should be able to control your reactions to life going on around you.
When I got home yesterday from work..I was still pretty sad. I gave him the letter and he read it. And then..I cried..because I am emotional..and stuff like this stays with me for a couple of days. He then stood up and came over to my seat and he held me..and told me he was very sorry.
I believe David is sorry. I know he loves me. But I really think he does not know how to manage his emotions. I don't think he's ever been taught. And when everyone around him makes up excuses for him...it's frusterating for me. Yeah..I know he's bipolar. But so am I. He's a grown man. He should act like one.
So..believe me..when I say..the other night..Monday night to be exact, the evening following the day where we got into it over something completely stupid, mainly..my refusal to go on a roller coaster..and I was making dinner. Chicken and mashed potatotes and peas and carrots. Yum. But I actually considered ramming the chicken down his throat. I was that mad.
God..I was so upset. And I slept hard that night...partly from exhaustion of a day in the heat, walking all over an amusement park..and an hour long argument about why my phobia is scary..and partly because I was depressed. And then I spent yesterday at work almost in tears all day because I was so sad.
But we talked about the note I wrote him..and I told him that getting married and buying a house were dependent on him getting on a medication for his irrational and aggressive behavior..and I think he believes I'm for real.
I am..I'm not joking. I will not marry him unless I have the insurance...that he will get on medicine for that and stay on medicine. Medicine is no fun..but everyone else in the house takes it..so he needs to man up.
He already takes Lithium, Abilify and Wellbutrin. Now..he needs some tinkering with his dosage or he needs soemthing that will help with the aggression. Either way..we need to find a solution.

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