So right now I am on a walk around my neighborhood to get some steps in. So I decided to make it more of a cathartic process and just do one long voice note for a diary entry or as the adults will say a journal entry to get my feelings out while I'm walking.

So I was replaying 'A's conversation in my head. And he was just absolutely gaslighting me. For him to remember things in a certain way just show me that he is unapologetic about his actions when we broke up or even before we broke up.

There was an incident back in '06 when I went out to visit him and we visited a married couple that he befriended. Rita requested a kiss from him and not her own husband before they went off to go run an errand. She did this in front of me to show me exactly what the relationship was between them. I felt that what I saw was an indication of his, for lack of better word, "unfaithfulness". However, I was not in a mental state where I was able to break up with him so I played it off as so it didn't bother me. But it always stayed in the back of my mind. When I questioned him about it he just said that the situation happened in reverse and that it was the nature of their relationship. Gaslight #1. But I just don't believe them. I never told him how I know a couple that knew him and they knew of this long sorted situation and they read a letter of their "activities" so I just don't believe him.

Even though I miss talking to him and just missing "us", it is over. I can't be with somebody that wants to talk to me that way and then justified it by being his authentic self. He is definitely only looking at it from the point of view of himself and not in a relationship. He really thinks that he's doing himself justice by speaking anyway he pleases but does not take into account that no one is being there authentic selves by maneuvering in a way that is best for them. I think what I'll do is I will give him a different perspective the next time I speak to him so that he has a better understanding that is not just him in his bubble. If he's trying to work on a relationship that he needs to stop looking at himself and start viewing things as "us", a "team", a "teammate", a "partner". But the end of the day I see my mistake. I see the problem and I realized that it is okay to miss him. it is okay to miss that aspect of our relationship where it was good and acknowledge that what we transformed into is not what I want for myself. I'm almost 50. I'll be 50 in 2 years. I want better for myself. I want somebody that actually speaks to me with respect. I want somebody that actually considers me before being reckless in word or by action. I want that for myself nobody's perfect people mess up all the time but his excuses are problematic for me I had to do what's best for me. And he keeps saying that he never chose this for us. that he didn't want this. that he didn't think he would ever speak to me again. for someone that claims he doesn't mince words, which he doesn't, him stating that he wanted he didn't want to say and he's going to let me decide wasn't how I took it. He's portraying this as this was the only problem we had we have a plethora of issues and we are not going to work through those we were going to in regardless of the manner and which we ended we were still over. We were dead man walking. I think that we are grown enough to know that it's okay to love each other and not be with each other we just want different things. And what I find interesting is that he keeps saying he's trying he to compare all of his other relationships with me he's trying to find me another people. I need to remind him that he's not going to find me in other people. He is just going to, at best, find an imitation it's not going to be me. He needs to find somebody that is willing to deal with him and his authentic self and that's not going to be me, in any version, in someone else. He's trying to find some "warmth" that I apparently give out and other people and he says that they have some warmth but it's not the same or it's not enough. I hate to break it to him but even I won't give that back to him. that's for someone that "talks to me nice" as the kids will say these days.