Try.

I've started writing something a couple times now and lost it.

So, try again.

Of all the places I feel like I have nothing to report, this should be the easiest. C'mon. Say anything.

It's fine. It's not fine, but it's fine. It's hard to write entries when I can't sit still. Cadence is over now working on his homework (or is supposed to be) so that makes it a little bit easier to sit still. Body doubling. Social activity, which I am so desperate for these days even though I feel like I have very little to say most of the time.

I pace again. This happened when I tried a particular med in 2017. I don't remember how long it happened then, but it wasn't as long as this... this has been going on since September. I stopped using my step counter sometime last summer, I can only imagine the amount of steps I've taken in these last seven months. It's exhausting and frustrating. It's so hard to do anything else.

I switched psychiatrists. He put me on a different med for akathisia, and that didn't do anything. We're in the process of taking me off the one that probably started it, but coming down in dosage hasn't stopped it either. I'm afraid that even going off won't stop it at this point, which means that's it's just on me to modify.

I don't just mean that it's hard to sit still. I mean that I wander through my house for 6-10 hours a day, looking for something to do and rarely finding it.

So, I have severe anxiety around cars, that keeps me at home. I'm afraid of wasps or whatever other little monsters, that keeps me inside. Then add to that the pacing and I am the caged zoo animal during winter, pathetically moving to and fro within its limitations, waiting for this horrible season to end.

And with the reduction in this med, I don't know, I've mostly been fine, but damn if I'm not constantly thinking about death (mine or others around me, primarily Dan) and it's making me feel a little bonkers.

There are good things! I've started a morning routine in the last couple weeks of drinking a fruit smoothie in the morning instead of ignoring breakfast, and playing a round of a dance game on the Wii. In the last six days I've added driving around the block! That's huge, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I drove around the block once like a year ago, and it was months and months before that that I drove at all.

I'm keeping up with therapy. I still like my house. I have four (!) visitors coming over the next few months, starting next week. I've given myself things to look forward to even if some of those visits also come with their own unique anxieties. I helped a friend edit a little book she wrote.

There are some things, it just doesn't feel like enough, especially when a large chunk of last year was so active. And while it's evident that I'm sad and having trouble, I'm still going through life trying to mask the worst of it. Which means I'm not letting it out at all and it's just churning in me.

Even here I have trouble really saying things. But sometimes I do. You get it. Thank you for that.