2003-05-08 - 1:56 a.m.
haarumphh!!!
I've spent 15 years doing martial arts of different styles trying to control something inside me that is tried so hard to come out, and on occasions has done.
I'm a nice guy, i get on with people i'm friendly, why must I live with the beast?
I've controlled it for so long but it still surfaces every now and then, which makes it harder, you train to control but you know that if you lose control you can use what you trained in to hurt people even more.
i know half a dozen spots that can kill pretty quick and my friends call me fluffy!?!
I care about my friends and do love them but not one of them truly knows what I feel every day. Its been 17 years since I did what I did and not one day goes by when I don't regret my actions, but it wasn't me it was that thing inside, the thing I've tried so hard to hide to lock away and never ave to confront again.
How easy it is that man can objectify an impulse, say that they did it because they had a poor childhood. I can't, I had a good childhood, was shown right from wrong but I still nearly killed someone, and I did it with ease no malice, no forethought just a simple 'execution' of a decision.
Since then I have tried to avoid confrontation, true I do martial arts, but its a friendly environment and I'm sparring with friends, there is forethought to the sitiuation I fight but I'm concerned with my welfare.
Outside of martial arts, I don't know, but I know how to kill and what scares me is that in a small part of my mind I'm willing to use that, morality aside I would kill if I was confronted. That scares me, a lot, everyday I wake up and know that there is a demon iside me, its hard to hide it.
i spent 6 years at an all boy school hiding it after hurting that kid, 6 years of being bulied because I wouldn't fight back, 6 years of knowing that if I hit them in the right place I could do them some serious damage but after hospitalising Jason I had to stop myself.
This is sort of a confessional entry, as I have had to deal with these feeling s for so long and I was pushed around by drunken idiots tonight and I had to force myself to walk away.
Life is precious and it scares me as to how easy it would be for me to take it away from someone not just them but the repurcussion it would have on the family.
If anyone reads this please understand I am a nice guy, just ask my friends, I'm always there for them but everyone has a dark side, its just that mine is really dark. It makes up for the nice thiongs I do, i'm there whenever a friend needs me, I'm always clothes shopping with the girls, drinking with my mates, there is nothing short of damnation I wouldn't do for my best friends.
If you read this and your concerned I apologise its ust an exorcisim of sorts.
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