From Mary Dougless: Why did Mr.Rogers have to die?

Assclowns Answer: First off Mary, even if I wasn't answering your question almost a year later, you asked me over a year after that creepy old bastard's death. That's one reason he's dead: he was a creepy, old bastard... and he had stomach cancer. I guess that's what you get for going from being a kickass naval sailor who kicks the shit out of communists to being a lame ass old bastard who is ordained a minister and molests children.

From Pilga: i have so many boyfriends, its not even funny! OMfg im dating a sack of poopy. all the people laugh at me when i make out with him, i have poop smeared aroung my mouth. they are jealous. should i let my poop screw me up my butt, or in my left nostril?

Assclowns Answer: I wouldn't say it's not funny. It's fairly humorous how fucking retarded you are. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is a sack of shit (quite literally, according to you.) Hell, I'd laugh at you, too if I saw you making out with a piece of shit. I don't really see the harm in letting him go up your ass, especially considering where he comes from. I might be a little reluctant about taking it in the nostril though. Not only because he is a smelly piece of shit, but also because I don't know his approximate diameter, or that of your nostril, so I couldn't guarantee your safety there.

From Skyy: So, I got in this fight with my friend over where we were going to go eat one day, and we couldn't decide on anything. So eventually, she picks this seafood place (I'm allergic to fish. Yes, you can be allergic to fish). I tell her I'm allergic, and she's like, 'You just don't like it because I like it.' Which, really isn't true. And now she's all mad at me because I didn't go. Help me suck less.

Assclowns Answer: I'm sorry that your friend is a total fucking moron, but I'm not one. Yes, I know you can be allergic to fish, my mom is allergic to fish. Tell your friend not to be a fucking idiotic whore monger and to get over herself. If you guys are such good friends, why the hell would you lie about being allergic to something just because you didn't like it. If the stupid whore still doesn't believe you or whatever, fuck her. You don't need to hang out with anyone who thinks you're that petty anyway, because she's probably that petty and stupid.

From Bee Man: I have a project to do on Canada. Dont Santa Claus live in Canada?

Assclowns Answer: You fucking dolt, how did you end up with a project on Canada anyway? Canada fucking sucks and there is nothing there. No, Santa Claus doesn't live in Canada. He lives at the North Pole, sticking his jolly old dick in the reindeer and elves all year until Christmas time comes and then he exploits his under paid midget workers in order to give gifts to ungrateful little bastards like you. And that's where Canadians come from.

From Booty Quaker: There's this girl in my Algebra class. One of those "white girls who thinks she's black" types. Always invoking the name of Kanye West as though he's the second fucking coming of Christ or some shit. And she wears this big white, poofy jacket...makes her look like the Michelin Man's whore. Frankly, I'm tired of listening to her loud stories of four-wheeling in the woods with "Darnell" or whatever-the-fuck his name is, and how I need to find some guy to blow every day. So, other than dumping a whole tank of Liquid Paper on the bitch (and, believe me, I've got it all mixed up in my dad's tool shed), what advice do you have to bring this girl back to reality?

Assclowns Answer: Hell, the plan you've come up with doesn't sound half bad, but add some acid to the mix, maybe some oven cleaner or something else to melt her flesh, then she won't have any mix-ups about what race she is. I know the type you are talking about and I think they all need to be set on fire. Do anything to teach this stupid cunt bag a lesson. Tell that Michelin Man mounting bitch to get her head out of her ass and go to speech therapy and break a mirror on her face. And assuming you're a girl, get some guy you know to piss in her gas tank.

From Melly: Hey I kno this girl who doesn't talk to me anymore. She hangs around with this fagg and practicly worships him. I herd him saying some really mean stuff about her should I tell her or no?

Assclowns Answer: Now what really bothers you about this situation? That you heard him talk some shit about her or the fact that she found someone who was more worth talking to than you? Do you not like him because she stopped being your friend to be friends with him? Does it bother you because he's gay? Or does it bother you that she has friends besides you and you have no one else up your ass all the time? Get over yourself, you've probably been friends for quite sometime and you're just pissed off because she's moved on from the dullness that is you and you've not interesting enough to find new friends. Hell, if you two were such good friends in the first place, this wouldn't have happened, so right now, I think you're simply wasting my time.

From Single Male Seeking Single Female: Im a 27 year old white male. I like long walk on the beaches, candle light dinners, pina coldas, and getting caught in the rain. Im seekign a single white female that enjoys my hobbies, prefably a very attractive, between the ages 18-30.

Assclowns Answer: This is a question and answer site, not a singles bar for the mentally handicapped seeking dates with punctuation marks. Learn to spell, type and not be a fucking moron. Why not try date a normal girl as opposed to very attractive commas? That's where all your problems are coming from.

From norman: Nice and thought filled site you've got here!...

Assclowns Answer: Thank you, I wish I could say the same.

From Bob Mcgoogle: I cannot believe I handed over my diary to you. This is the most pathic ass ripping I've ever seen! you can do better without calling everybody "bitches" who dare write you a question. I think you can do better.

Assclowns Answer: I think you meant "pathetic," and don't regret it. I'm sorry I'm not up to the par you had expected of me, Bob, but I'm sure we can't all be like you... bitch.

What the hell can I say? I'm out of work.