2005-05-29 - 6:13 p.m.
Dear Diary..
I just got back a little while ago from Denise's (in PA). You know what? I feel like killing myself everytime I'm together with Denise and Marie. There--I said it. :( :*(
I don't know..something about the way they are with each other when they're together makes me feel SO left out..and not only THAT--but just plain INFERIOR. It's like my brain keeps reminding me of how I'm stupid and worthless..and that I'll NEVER fit in no matter how hard I try. :*( I feel like an idiot..I feel like I don't belong with them; like because I've never had a boyfriend I'm a worthless piece of shit.
When Denise was asking me (ONCE AGAIN) if I still wanted to move (DUH!) or did I have it "on the back-burner"..I wanted to scream!!! How many times do I have to say that I am DYING to get out of here! How many times do I have to say the same thing over and over and OVER, again???..and yet, STILL, I am asked the same things! She doesn't "get" it because I'm still living where I am so she probably assumes that I have decided not to pursue moving for now. Maybe that's my fault for giving her that false impression..but..sigh..my family will NEVER understand me. They'll never understand the anxiety I live with of dealing with people. They'll never understand the fears that plague me and make my life a living HELL..and how can I ever explain to Denise that, "No, I CAN'T just go visit Allentown, PA BY MYSELF!!" You're talking to an IDIOT who was BORN DEFECTIVE!!!!..and can't even do ANYTHING she wants to do because the world is a fucking SCARY PLACE and I don't belong in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People don't understand..and how can I tell them that I'm a FREAK??????..a freak of nature??? I'd probably hear, "Well, go on medication..see somebody..blah, blah,blah.." I don't WANT to see somebody!!! I don't WANT medication!!! NOTHING WORKS FOR ME!!!! I went on Paxil and it did NOTHING but give me bad dreams!!!..and I don't want to have to deal with side effects..and that doctor that was supposed to put me on something else changed her mind and said I had to go to a shrink!!! WHY?????? Am I CRAZY because everything I do involving people makes me ANXIOUS????? I guess I am!!!..but I can't help it!!!..and..I just want to be NORMAL. :*( ..and that's something I NEVER was and never will be..even if I manage to do something to help myself, nothing..NOTHING..can ever erase the past..and THAT is what hurts me most of all. Nothing will ever give me those wasted years back-no pill or therapy session will ever change the fact that I am and will ALWAYS be a freak of nature!!!..and I'm constantly reminded of that everytime I get together with Denise and Marie. There is something about being together with them that makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit!!!..and I'll NEVER be able to feel differently!!! Even if I ever manage to have a boyfriend..somebody to love me..I'm ALWAYS going to feel like CRAP because I can't change my past..and the fact that I'm a FREAK!!!!!!
I never want to die SOOOOOOOOOO badly as when I get together with them! That's all I was doing the past two days--just WISHING AND HOPING AND PRAYING that I will DIE from Anorexia or SUICIDE because it hurts TOO MUCH..and I don't wanna live anymore..and I don't wanna care anymore..and NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING can change that..change how I feel..because I've ALWAYS been a freak of nature and that's the way I'll always be, ALWAYS!!!..and I'll NEVER, NEVER, NEVER fit in!!!! I'm crying so bad right now, but it doesn't matter..'cause all the crying in the world won't stop the pain or change anything. I'm a worthless FREAK..who's too afraid of the world and can't help herself because she works TOO hard trying to make it seem like she's got it all together..and GOD FORBID the facade should be broken..and GOD FORBID I should have the courage to help myself..(like Marie, who I so admire)..BUT NO..I will not help myself because I don't want side effects and I'd rather try to do it on my own (not that that's ever helped)..and I don't want to spoil the facade; it would mean there's something wrong with me (heh..there IS, but I digress)..and it's too much!!! WHY couldn't I just be NORMAL, *NORMAL????* WHY did God have to do this to me????..where EVERYTHING in life is HARD!?!?!?!?!..dealing with people is HARD?!?!?!?!?!..and everything is just scary as HELL????? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Denise was talking about my getting a car and eventually driving up to see her, with the same nonchalance of visiting Allentown, PA (I told her that I was thinking of moving to the Lehigh Valley 'cause it's not too far away and it's not too rural or too populated)..and I wanted to say, "But I can't just drive up to see you! I'm afraid!!!"..same as I wanted to say that about visiting Allentown, PA. She told me, "Know what you have to do? You have to travel. Get yourself a hotel room and visit the area and see how you like it". Doesn't she think I *KNOW* that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I *KNOW* this!!!!..but I can't get myself to do it because I'm too afraid!!!!!!! I *WISH* I could just be like *HER* and do things, but I *CAN'T*!!!!! She had even mentioned (beforehand), "What about Colorado?" MY GOD!!! We had that conversation at least two years ago!..same exact thing!!..and I remember saying that I changed my mind..that I couldn't do it; I've never even been on a plane..and I don't know if I could live so far away from family not knowing anyone!..and it just amazes me how she seems to think that I would be so capable of doing all these things..between driving up to see her and moving to Colorado despite not knowing anyone! WHERE has she been all this time that she doesn't know me by now?????..know how worthless and stupid and backwards I am????..know that if I was able to do at least ONE-TENTH of the things she's suggested, my life would be so much more richer than it is????? HOW could she NOT see after years and years of living with me and knowing my life's journey that I'm a fucking scaredy-cat??!!..that I'm NOT her!??!!..nevermind trying to hide (miserably) my social anxiety and depression (for the most part).. Can't she see the way my life's been????..(no boyfriend EVER; no socializing EVER!!!), that I'm FUCKED UP????.. Is she so blind to who I REALLY AM that she can't see it????..or does she just REFUSE TO???
I am starting to cry again..I can't help it. :*(
I remember when Marie and I were having an "email war" and I sent one of my letters (that I had sent to Marie) onto Denise..and in it, I mentioned my social anxiety..and there was absolutely NO response from Denise, whatsoever. NONE. She didn't care.
I think what makes it very difficult for me to be around Denise (especially) is the fact that she reminds me of Ma, big time. I never had a good relationship with Ma, and I don't really have a good one with Denise, either. I feel just as awkward and inferior with Denise as I did with Ma..like I just don't fit in; I can't connect..and it hurts like fucking Hell..because I *want* to feel like part of the family..but no matter WHAT I do, I NEVER WILL, EVER. I'll just continue to be the worthless piece of shit that I am..and that's it. I'll never amount to ANYTHING.. I'll just have to sit by and watch as my nieces and nephews (to add insult to injury) make something of themselves..while ME, I continue to be the worthless scum of the Earth that I am.
I HOPE I DIE SOON. I SO *HATE* THIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :*(
