Here I am two years later still in Barcelona still in the same relationship.

About to get married...for papers, so that we can live together, but really marriage is still a commitment. It ties us financially, something that doesn't matter at all now but could some day in future. Am I being a naive idiot for not thinking about some kind of prenuptial agreement? I am $25,000 in debt now but who knows what the future holds. Also marriage means that you have to get a divorce if you separate. I suppose that's not really so hard but it's not as easy as walking away and never speaking again for years.

There are already the other things that tie us. The fact that his family knows me and has always been very kind to me. I've spent two Christmas's with them and they've always been open and kind, trying to make me feel comfortable. There are all the gifts he's bought me and all the plans we have for our future. He could save a lot of money if he didn't think we'd be together. On flights to see me, on finding an apartment for the two of us.

I can't be staying for these reasons. It can' be that.

He asked if I saw him when I pictured my future. I said I don't know. I feel bad for that answer. I don't really think about the future. All I know is that I will need money and health and that I hope that I'm happy.

I don't want kids. I want love.

IS he the love that I need?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I wish the answer was YES!

But UHHHH I don't know!

I don't know what to do with myself! What am I going to do with my life?!

I feel like I need to be creative but all of my creative energy comes from my love and heartbreak and longing and desire and passion and fantasy with other men.

Fantasy and Romance with boys, the major theme of my life.

How is it possible to make art dedicated to that when I'm married to a different man.

My relationship with him doesn't inspire me to make any art at all. Maybe I'm just afraid of my feelings for him. We have been in a long distance relationship now for over a year. It's not easy.

And then what happens when I find my one true passionate love? Then I can't make anything? Or I just write thousands of love poems?

I think I'm just destined for a life of pain and suffering in order to suck any type of real feeling happiness out of anything. Maybe not pain in the beginning but suspense, difficult circumstances.

The pain of being with married man was somehow tragic and romantic and wonderful, but I turn into a steal bar to avoid any kind of pain Ivan. I yell at him for touching other girls and being flirtatious. Why is it not exquisitely difficult to think that I am not enough for him? To accept that perhaps one person is never enough to satisfy another.

There is so much pain and fear in our relationship. WHYYY?

I have this feeling all the time of not being enough. Of not being fun enough. not being nice enough. not being able to fit in with his friends. not being cool and outgoing enough with mine. I don't feel special. I feel chained to reality.

I wish I could say that I can just learn to accept all of this and learn to appreciate that he is always there for me and that I can count on him and that we get along and that he just shows in love in different ways and if I just mediated on it and appreciated all the good moments we have, which are a lot of them and learn that he just has a realistic unpassionate personality and him talking to other people isn't personal he just needs to be the star among many people to feel good.

But here I am writing this fucking diary entry and it shows that I have not done that. I have not resolved my feelings to childish whims that should be overcome to grow into the person I should be. I am here complaining. And it hurts me to think of him reading this. of him knowing how uncertain I am.

why is this pain so bad?

it's the pain of so many lies. it's the pain of me not telling him about a shirt I bought because I didn't want to hear a million questions about why I bought it since I knew he wouldn't really like it. It's the pain of wanting to tell him not to ask me a million questions all the time but then feeling bad about squashing his personality.

it's the pain of hearing about ex girlfriends who gave him hand jobs and blow jobs and sex on trains and air plane and in club bathrooms and in festival tents. of him getting drunk with his ex's and one time his ex drunkenly telling him to pee on her face. of how THEY never had and problems going out to parties with him and THEY always went to afters.

Why does this pain make me want to crawl into a corner alone and cry forever, but give me no creative energy, while the other pain makes me want to create "ART".?

I don't fit in. I'm a loser. I"m a loner. Maybe one day if I try real hard to refine my manners I'll be accepted by them and I can fit in at the party, but it doesn't matter he'll come home to me anyway.

But day in and day out he's there for me. He always answers the text message. He usually has something encouraging to say. It's my mind that twist questions into accusations, negative comments into demands to change. Ryan was never really there, only as a fantasy. Jorge, the same. Through choice not circumstances. They never said anything mean to me, they just ignored me. I guess maybe I feel like I deserve to be ignored. It feels kind to me. I prefer it to being insulted or told to change. I prefer it to fights. If I'm just ignored then I can keep the fantasy alive.

The great part of being with Iain and Justin was that they were already in relationships so there was nowhere for me to go, and so it follows, nothing for me to lose either.