2005-02-13 - 12:44 a.m.

I hate everything.

I'm sorry. That's a bit over zealous of me. I suppose what I should say is I'm finding life increasingly difficult at the moment. I suppose my hormones are all over the place anyway which doesn't help but nothing is going right. I can't 'not worry' or 'not think about it' as people keep foolishly telling me because it NEEDS to be thought about. It's just that right now I can't see it ever being better, I can't see things ever getting sorted out. Nothing is going the way it needs to be going and I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of it. I just want it all to go away.

I know it isn't all bad but I'm in a hole at the moment and I can't get out. I love my babies very much already - the scan on Monday was amazing and I was on a natural high for the rest of the day - and I also love Ryan very much and know that he loves me. If things were a little different it would be the perfect situation. If it were a few years later on and everything was stable...

Finances are the route of all the evils. Everything that's difficult for me at the moment can be traced back to money. I hate money. I want nothing more to do with it.

I don't have a job anymore because it was unsuitable for 'my condition'. That means I have no income, however little my pay packet was. Oh God I don't even want to talk about this. I know that it's one thing I can write down and I will still lie in bed and cry, and not sleep, and worry and it won't leave me alone. Not tomorrow, or the next day.
In 5 weeks I'll have nowhere to live. I'll have no money. I'll be getting more and more incapable of completing daily tasks comfortably as the weeks go on. And I don't know what to do.

Ryan's mum has said she'll pay our rent if he stays at university. But we need a house now. And I'm very grateful for it but I don't know what to do with the here and now. I'm sick of living out of boxes and relying on other people. And it's only going to get more and more difficult as these babies and this bump gets bigger and bigger. Everything is going to get more difficult. And all I want...need...is to be settled, some place of our own, in Belfast. But we can't afford it, and nobody can front us the money yet. And there is no solution I can see. I feel as though I'm wearing blinkers.

And I may be making this sound like the end of the world. It might not seem all that bad. Well, you'd be wrong. It's terrifying. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever had to deal with.

And at the moment I'm so tempted to withdraw from second year. Because I can't see any way of completing it satisfactorily.

I can't see any way around anything. I'm going to bed.

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