i haven't written in awhile....as some of you know i was trying out blogspot, still am.

since this is where my somewhat sad entries are already i've decided to use this one for the thoughts i have that are not always soo fun. like my mom's death.

so onto to one of my sad feelings.i just finished watching the butterfly effect on dvd. movies like this one and "frequency" always make me so incredibly sad and wishful.

it's like if i could only warn my mom to stop smoking she would still be here. she probably would not have lung cancer.

yes i know she may have died anyways but not likely.

or if i could really go back and make sure the nurses didn't mess up my grandmothers type of dye that they were injecting in her for her tests, she would've lived and my mom wouldn't have had to go through what she did.

now granted that may have made my mother not meet my father therefore not having gotten pregnant with me but i like to picture the changes with all of the other stuff happening.

i just remember having this huge gut feeling that if my mom did not quit smoking that she would develop lung cancer. i know you are saying ya right but honestly i truly felt that.

it was after my stepmother's stepfather had died of his lung cancer.(a couple years before she was diagnosed)

i was visiting my mom, i was in the living room by the telephone and it was like a voice inside my head said that if she doesn't quit, she will end up just like him. i so wanted to beg her to stop, to tell her of my gut feeling but i knew she wouldn't listen and i guess i was afraid she woud just think i was either nuts or just over-reacting.

but i truly felt that way....god why didn't i just stop her. why didn't i explain it and maybe she would've believed me?

don't worry i now it's not my fault.

it's just hard to know how right my gut was and that there was nothing i could do to stop this from happening.

i just miss my mommy and that will never go away.........

ps heather if you want my address for my other blog, just contact me, i still read yours all the time

previous - next

if only....... - July 12, 2004
Back to normal (whatever that is)..... - June 17, 2004
Goodbye's , the saddest word.. - June 16, 2004
Not so good now.... - June 16, 2004
Thank god for little boys and girls.... - June 16, 2004