11:09 p.m. - 2007-03-29
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its been months since I have been on here.. alots changed I got a job a good one working for a union. Ryan and I got back together for a little while then he took a whole bunch of stuff from my house and stopped returning my phone calls God I can be so stupid sometimes. There is something bout being almost thirty that is so painful all these things I want to do but can't find time for. Seeing myself getting older repeating the same dreary routine day in and day ouy.I often feel like I am on auto pilot and mearly existing to provide a future for my children. I am not all hung up on Ryan anymore which has ofered me so much relief when he reappeared it was like I knew right away nothing had changed I just had wished it all away in my head while he was gone. I am going to keep writing here because I need to have some sort of an outlet for all the stress nad tension I feel at the end of each day.. I need to be able to sleep again.

3:31 am - 2006-10-22
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It is three thirty in the morning and guess what I am awake still... must be to be here writing again., I am starting to get sick think from lack of sleep this week and not eating right. Went to the bar with a bunch of friends Saturday night and surprized myself ...I had a good time.. I was so worried I would be a big mope and drag everyone down well it felt so good to be surrounded by all my friends again thatexcept to say once don't bring up his name we split the night was a roaring success. I danced , did shooters, ugh even tequila, and played pool.
Mom and I made up I called her back the other day and said Iwas coming to pick up the kids she actually said sorry she never acknoledges that I have feelings ever it was weird then she asked if when I came to take them to get pumkins if she could still have them over night I let her keep them but when I was out there she hugged me and said she loves me I don't remember her ever hugging me.Except for the days I had the boys like was in labour she was great then... but not before or since.When I had my second son I was told that if I didn't get my tubes tied I wasn't getting any help from her. Even though I had just had magor surgery I came out from the ansthetic begging them not to do it. It is a decisdion I have hated making since then... the things we do to keep family happy.It is just not worth it I think I need to stay single for a long while and make myself happy. I am contented living alone usually, I miss little things like cuddling and not having to shovel the driveway but I can cuddle my puppy and pay someone to shovel driveway without someone invading my space again. Complaining about the soft pink walls in my kitchen... I have two boys I like pink and fem. stuff but you rarely see it in my house because there stuff multiplies who cares that my kitchen is pink it is my happy spot :-)

12:42 a.m. - 2006-10-21
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I am so sicl of being the one made out to be in the wrong and to tell you the truth I don't have the strength to deal with other peoples crap right now. I went to drop my kids off at my moms and was having a look at my nieces new pet she decided to pitch afit cause I shouldn't be in her room half an hour after Iwasn't in her room anyway... so in the end my mom starts lecturing me about respecting her space if I am going to come visit any more well fine fuck them all I just won't visit anymore they can cook their own Christmas dinner and talk down to someone else all day because I won't be hosting anymore "family" functions at my house I don't know why I bother I can't afford to I always get upset and it just reminds me that my relationship with them is never going to get any better. I pray sometimes for her( my mom) to just once say that she is proud of me or that she accepts me and I have shaped my life around doing things that might get that result but it never happens. I take courses and workshops and baysit for her and god the list goes on and on but none of it matters all that matters is that for some reason when Iw as young she didn't form any kind of bond with me and I always knew it I felt it. Then came foster care,grouphomes living on the streets she didn't participate in my life really until I had kids and evne then she tells me how much of a failure I am.. how I couldn't do it on my own how impressed she is with my sister inlaw but not me.It all just makes me want to puke I could never treat my boys like that like I love one and not the other because I love them both !!! This can't be all my fault I was to little when she started hating me for it to be my fault wasn't I? Caqn it be a small childs fault/ I always wonder if there was something I did was I not cute enough outgoing enough .. enough of wnatever it was she was looking for having kids as young as she did that made her hate me and take it out on me. She destroyed my life I can't bond with anyone because I am so scared it will end up like this that they will only pretend to care about me when they want something or that they will leave me as soon as it is convenient for them what else am I supposed to think after the way she was allowed to drag me up cause she sure as hell didn't raise me. I am so tired of not belonging anywhere or to anyone always being the outsider God I just want to give up but Ican't stand the thought of her getting my boys..It really feels like that is all that keeps me here is protecting them.

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